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“I’d Love More Affection from My Husband” – A Fellow Wife


Administration note from Peacefulwife:

Our children are on spring break, and I am not going to be as available to comment this week as normal. I may sneak in every once in awhile. But you are all more than welcome to comment, discuss, encourage each other, pray for one another, build each other up and support one another! Thank you for the fantastic job you all do of this every day. I am so blessed to get to know each of you.


From our sister in Christ, a Fellow Wife (“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband in the Wrong Ways,” “Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority“:


I want to give you an update to my emotional hormonal email from the other day.

Thankfully, first and foremost, while I had some moments of irritability and moodiness, I did not blow my top at anyone and we are all happy about that! LOL!

What I did do was share with my husband last night that I felt sad he was not more affectionate with me.

I am really sorry I did that now. It did not go horribly wrong- no argument or anything but I regretted it because I think I hurt him and I felt convicted later.

I told him in a very nonchalant, almost joking way, “Are you aware that there are days when we only have 3 times of contact? A kiss goodbye, a kiss hello a kiss goodnight?” I wasn’t hateful or mean in my tone. Still regret it though because I soon felt very bad about saying this…

  • His reply, “No, I am not aware of that because I don’t sit around and worry over things like that like you do.”

He sounded hurt. πŸ™ Let’s just add that to my terrible wife list.

I told him that I did not worry over it but that I had noticed it and I always felt a bit sad that we didn’t have more affection between us.

  • He said he was not an affectionate man.

I told him that yes, he was and that when we were dating and in the first couple years of our marriage that he always was holding my hand/putting his arm around me. (This was before we bought the recliner where he always sits now. I hate the recliner. πŸ™ )

Anyways, I was by then feeling badly that I made him feel badly. He didn’t say that he felt badly but he sounded like he was hurt/offended. Also, I then was convicted and reminded that there are many women out there that would LOVE to have a husband that kissed them 3 times a day and I am really blessed.

  • He told me that just because he was not very affectionate did not mean that he did not love me. I told him I knew that and did not doubt his love. I told him I was really thankful he was so faithful in kissing me those times of the day. I told him I also loved that he always called me such sweet pet names.

He seemed to feel better and winked at me.

I felt better that he felt better but I felt really terrible about myself. I was thinking, “When am I ever going to learn? Why can I not focus on what he does do instead of what he doesn’t do?” And I SO need to do better at that.

But, thankfully, there was no argument. I *think* I handled it better than I would have 2 years ago. But I do not plan to bring the issue of affection up again for a very, very long time.

  • He also told me he tried hard to be a good husband. I told him he was a good husband and I was grateful for him. He told me I was a good wife. I told him I tried to be a good wife. I told him that I would do a lot of things differently if I could go back. He told me we were fine. Which is equal to “do not worry” in his vocabulary.

Anyways, just sharing. I really need to work on focusing on the positives and my blessings instead of what I still don’t have from him. But it could have gone worse. I am thankful I was able to get myself quickly in check and get my attitude straight before I got in trouble.


I find that I personally begin to go into a tailspin if I start thinking much about what Greg “should do” or if I focus very long on what I want or what I need. I do ok if I ask for something in a pleasant way. I think it is important for us to ask for what we desire, want and need. But I try not to get too hung up on the outcome or answer. If I begin to focus on, “Greg ought to….” or “Why isn’t he…?” or “Look what that husband did for his wife…” my thoughts can very quickly spiral out of control and crash.

If I feel lonely, I usually go sit beside Greg or cuddle with him. He is open to that and if he is watching TV, he is always receptive to me sitting with him these days. Now that I know that he “always feels connected to me” – that “feeling connected” is his “default mode” in our relationship – I don’t assume evil motives from him like I used to. I always thought that if we weren’t actively “connecting” that we were “not connected.” But that is not how Greg looks at things. So now, I am able to know that we are “connected” unless I actively disconnect from him. I find that now that I have this better understanding of how he looks at our relationship, I don’t feel lonely nearly as much!

Greg isn’t a super affectionate guy. He will often respond if I initiate affection. I am VERY affectionate! I like to be touching all the time. Greg is not the kind of man who will put his arm around me or reach out and take my hand – and that’s ok! If we are at church and I want to hold Greg’s hand, I reach for his hand and he is usually very willing to hold my hand for awhile. He often plays with my hair at night if I go sit by him on the bed most of the time. I love that. But he doesn’t normally initiate affection. I often hug or kiss him when we walk past each other in the house – he seems happy about that. (When I began this journey, he had gotten to the point that he barely looked at me, barely touched me and didn’t talk to me or listen to me. So things have changed quite a bit at our house in the past 5.5 years.) He’s fine with me sitting by him and touching him if I want to. So, now instead of trying to demand his attention/affection, make a big deal out of what I want (i.e.: have a BIG TALK about it), I just go sit by him, smile and put my hand on his leg, rub his shoulders or cuddle up to him. I ask him about what he is watching sometimes. Sometimes I am quiet and just enjoy being with him. Sometimes I have something on my heart and if I know he is ok with me talking, I will talk with him. We have a lot of great conversations that way. There are some rare occasions where he will come hug me out of the blue. I love when he does that! I am always sure to thank him.

For me – I do MUCH better and feel a lot more sane, stable and peaceful if I focus only on Jesus and what God desires me to do on my end of the relationship. I am most empowered when I focus on the good things about Greg, the blessings in my life, thanksgiving, joy in Christ, contentment in Christ, the peace God gives to me, praising God and my own journey to learn and absorb all I can from God.


When you would like more of your husband’s attention, affection and time, what do you do? What do you say? How does it usually work out? How do you seek to honor Christ and your husband in this area? If you have struggles to share, you are welcome to share them. If you have success stories and godly wisdom to share, we’d all love to hear that, too!


I am assuming that most of my readers are spending time in the Bible daily, that you are praying fervently, that you are seeking God with all your heart, that you want to know Him more than anything and that you weigh my words (and everyone’s words) against Scripture.


4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirableβ€”if anything is excellent or praiseworthyβ€”think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in meβ€”put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.


I believe we can word verses 12 and 13 also to read “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether feeling very loved or not feeling very loved, whether receiving a lot of my husband’s attention and affection or whether he is ignoring me. I can be content and full of the joy and peace and power of God through Him who gives me strength.”

It is ALL about our walk with Jesus!


Please check out how much God has done in A Fellow Wife’s Life over the past year! “A Fellow Wife Reflects on Her Two Year Journey


87 thoughts on ““I’d Love More Affection from My Husband” – A Fellow Wife

  1. Thanks for sharing Faithful Wife!
    I’m proud of you for speaking what you were feeling in the way you did. Whilst it may have upset him you didn’t berate and whine and pitch a tantrum! I’m guilty in the past of doing those 3 things and not the wise way you brought it up.

    I definitely have whined in the past when my husband isn’t around. I’ve made critical and snappy remarks, I’ve sulked, I’ve yelled…my hubby works extremely long hours and some years he even worked 10 days away and was home for 4 days. In his spare time he mostly always did his hobby or caught up with his non-Christian friends. I wasn’t coping at home on my own with the two kids, no family support here. So I got jealous that he could go out whenever he wanted. I got mad that he chose to hang around with people I knew were a bad influence on him. I was mad that he wasn’t helping me. I was upset that he told me to “get over it” or “toughen up” or “be thankful I’m just at a mates and not getting drunk or in fights”. He manipulated me back. He threw out nasty words back. He sulked and threw tantrums. He did things out of spite. And we grew further and further apart because of it. We were hurting one another daily. He was the instigator and I was the reactor. He pushed me to break and freak out and prove his point, and I rose to it each time instead of controlling my reaction, praying, holding my tongue, speaking wisely…

    I’m at the point now where I am with us living as room mates more than lovers and best friends because I looked to my husband to fill my needs of love, affection, attention 100% rather than God. I came with expectations that weren’t based on reality and I’ve sure learnt over the 10 years of marriage what it’s all about. I have SO much more to learn and grow and change.

    I don’t know if any of this has made sense. But the post made me think about my “victim” behaviour over the years and how I need to change.

    Praying for you Faithful Wife!!

    April-praying that your time with the kids is fruitful, fun and relaxing x

    1. Godlywifetobe–

      I have had many tantrums in my history. It took me a long time to learn to communicate by sharing my true feelings rather than my frustrations and anger. Anger does not work with my man and I doubt any others. However, sharing my true feelings goes over much more smoothly… Feelings just are and we have them and they are true but not accusatory. You will get there, dear wife. We are all learning together.

      1. Sorry for calling you “faithful wife”. I was tired, that’s my excuse πŸ™‚

        Thanks for your encouragement!

  2. its all about jesus yes and amen. i am stuggling a bit today with this very issue. my husband said the other day that he doesnt like me hugging him while he is asleep in bed. i can also tell he gets a bit irritated if we hug for too long on the couch. so i am lost and confused as to how to be affectionate without anoying him. he does often initiate little gestures of affection as we walk past each other in the house. my problem is i feel unloved when he rejects affection or sex. for some reason sex can never be more than 2 times a week. anyway i know i need to stay close to christ because at the end of the day its all about jesus. my husband did say he feels like being the person he is

    1. he feels like the person he is isnt good enough and that he is unapreciated. im trying hard to change any tips ladies. God bless u all

      1. Mum of 5,
        Are you thanking him and praising him for all he does right? πŸ™‚

        How often do you to about that you desire more affection? What do you say and what expression do you use and tone of voice? πŸ™‚

        1. april i do need to tell him more when i appreciate the things he does. i also realise now that i should stop telling him all the time when when im not satisfied.

    2. Mum of 5,

      I am so sorry you felt unloved. . . . My deceased husband loved to touch me, and the adjustment to my present husband who isn’t by nature nearly as affectionate has been hard for me. It’s hard not to remember and feel sad. I told my husband I that I need affection and try to express my appreciation when he holds my hand or sits close to me on the couch while we watch a movie. He’s a wonderful husband in so MANY ways, so I have much for which to thank him and be appreciative. Reading the information on this site has helped me realize that lack of touch does NOT mean lack of love, and focusing on this helps me understand him. I want him to be who HE is, and making allowance for this difference is part of respecting him as a person. Sometimes I can tell he’s consciously working on trying to be more affectionate, when he suddenly remembers to give me a morning kiss, for example, but on those occasions I know he’s doing it because he thinks he should, which isn’t as meaningful because it’s not spontaneous. So, just letting him be himself is really the best for me, because when he does touch me, I know he’s motivated on his own.

      Do I still sometimes LONG for him to come up behind me at the sink, put his arms around me and snuggle into my neck? Oh YES. He doesn’t. But, he is slowly snuggling into my soul, and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. We are growing closer in love, respect, and understanding, and this kind of closeness means the most to me.

      You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and much love to you!

      1. I’m odd enough to not care if my husband is doing something not out of spontaneity but rather because he knows I desire it. The fact that it feels awkward to him, I interpret as how lucky I am that he loves me enough to do it anyway! We even laugh about it. I share this hoping it might offer another way of thinking of his efforts.

        1. Julie,
          I totally agree! If he is making the effort, it is because he loves his wife. When I started respect and biblical submission, it was very awkward and I had no idea what I was doing. But I was doing it because I really lived Greg and wanted to learn to meet his needs even if I didn’t understand or have the same needs.

          I like your mindset!

        2. Julie,

          You are so right! That’s one of the great things about my husband, that he loves me enough to try to be more affectionate. I’m glad you and your husband laugh together, too; my husband and I laugh about so much in any given day. Isn’t humor and looking at the light side of things wonderful? Thank you so much for your positive encouragement, and much love to you, my sister!

      2. Thank you Elizabeth for your honesty and advice – I feel exactly the way you do about my husband. He is great in so many ways and God has done the work.

      3. thanks Elizabeth, its intresting when the lord puts two people with different needs together. i guess its his way to refine us and help us become more like christ. i know because of my marriage struggles the lord is teachinh me so much spiritually πŸ™‚ i just need to keep pressing on and not taking any backward steps

        1. Mum of 5,

          I’m really stretching and growing spiritually and in so many other ways in my marriage, especially with the solid scriptural insight and comments from other wives on this site. I agree with you completely that when an adjustment in marriage is not easy, it requires us to rely more on God for strength, wisdom, and guidance, and really refines our motives. I’ve also had my eyes opened to how differently a man thinks. I’ve learned not to have as many expectations, to relax and appreciate who my husband is, and how to TRULY forgive. I also think about all the ways in which I fall short of being the perfect wife and am so grateful that my husband is patient, kind, and forgiving.

          Please don’t worry about taking backward steps, because we’re all human and that will surely happen on occasion to all of us. It certainly has with me! The expectations and experience of many years are deeply embedded, and to train myself to think differently is an ongoing process, one I’m definitely getting better at, but not without making painful, even heartbreaking (I can’t believe I did that again!) mistakes. I have to be careful not to compare my present husband with my deceased husband in the area of affection, for example. Not only is it not fair to my husband, but the truth is that he shines in many areas my deceased husband did not. He may not come up and hug me from behind at the sink, but he often dries the dishes! πŸ™‚ And how sweet is that? πŸ™‚

          I wish you all the best, my sister, and am so glad you’re here!

    3. Mumof5,

      I was devastated when we got married and Greg didn’t want to cuddle all night. And when he turned away from me to sleep, I took that as a sign of him rejecting me.

      Now I know that Greg does love me deeply. He just has different preferences about how much touching he likes. And now I know he always slept on that side and that is how he is most comfortable. It was not a personal rejection of me at all.

      Greg doesn’t like me to touch him much at night when he is sleeping because I would wake him up by doing that.

      Some people didn’t have a lot of affection growing up. So too much affection can feel smothering. Some men don’t bond through affection, it is just not a need of theirs. Some people have physical issues where staying in one position for a long time is painful for their joints or muscles.

      The fact that your husband initiates affection with you often tells me he loves you dearly. It sounds like he probably is fine with a good bit of affection, but maybe just not all day and all night. I don’t think that he is purposely being unloving, though.

      Much love to you!

      1. April deep down i know he loves me heaps. i think the enemy just uses my weaknesses to get me down some days. my love language is pysical touch. his is acts of servive. we both have words of affirmation as a second one.

  3. Hello, mum of 5!

    Please don’t feel that your husband’s lower level of desire reflects on you. Two times a week is fairly normal from what I’ve read and heard from others. Some men simply have a lower level of testosterone, and some have other natural, normal reasons.

    I’m sorry that he isn’t one for showing affection physically. In response to your hubby saying he isn’t good enough or feeling appreciated, I noticed you said you are trying hard to change. If you can focus on what your husband does that is good and show much that means to you, then he may want more physical touch.

    Once he feels respected and appreciated, he will certainly be more willing to listen to any needs you have.

    Hope blessings come your way.

    1. thanks kimberly. the lord brings me through this journey. but sometimes i backslide a bit and his lack of initmacy bothers me. i know i still need to change alot and be more positive and content

      1. Yes my hubby doesn’t like me holding him in bed for too long-like the whole night either, he doesn’t like when I cuddle too long either. I think the longer you are married the less the cuddling becomes, but maybe it’s because I was so disrespectful that I pushed him away. The more I respect him the more affection I get and the more he wants to spend time with me. It takes time. I see my hubby trying to do more for me, the more I understand him and not try to make him do stuff.

  4. Thank you Faithful Wife and Faithful Wife for your openness to help others. I found your remarks to be very helpful concerning my journey in my own marriage. Sometimes Satan can try to make us feel alone with our own emotions. Hearing other Godly women’s stories – women who are doing their best to do it God’s way and not their own is very encouraging.

  5. The more I respect my hubby and not nag, the more he is willing to out of nowhere desire to give me what he believes a women needs. He desires to learn more about my wants as he is being sensitive in the spirit, it comes naturally. God is giving me the desires of my heart from my husband(for me it is long talks, sleeping with him in bed, and cuddling)only after my patience, and understanding came. I shouldn’t expect all of this stuff and need my hubby to fill my every desire at my drop of the dime-this is controlling behavior. When I patiently wait it is more like to be filled. But when I nag and come at my hubby with my discontentment verbal talks it pushes him away, and makes him fill less of a man. I tested the verbal talk-here’s what happened:
    I said “I would like to spend more time with you, his response, I’m here everyday, we sit and watch tv, Im always communicating with you(not long talks-like I want). I replied well that’s not what I mean, What I meant I coudn’t communicate it back to him to where he would understand-so he said well what Im giving you is not enough, I already have alot on my plate. He was really focusing on his golf at the time-most of his attention was on that-he was always in the room swinging his club, or into a youtube video about golf. So I said I understand you are trying to focus on your golf game, and whenever you are into your hobbies, you tend to not be into me as much. So I said that is ok, I know this is the norm,-he said how can I get to where I gotta be with my game If I dont press hard-I gotta stay focused. I said ok, but felt convicted that I brought it all up, and ended it with my understanding of knowing how he is, and later realizing that my lack of hobbies-drive-and will to get into something fun-was making myself just want hubby to fill up my lack of not being into anything;also maybe he was still an idol in my heart; and we talked about that as well the next day. So I let God be my focus to give me a guarantee fulfillment-not hubby or people in general. That brought relief, and I came off in a reprimanded way that kind of was putting him down. If I reworded everything like this-Hey hon, I have been feeling kind of lonely lately-I’m not exactly sure why, but maybe we could enjoy each other more soon and do something fun in the house-just one on one time, me and you, would you like that? Just being very humble, instead of,YOU DONT EVER SPEND TIME WITH ME?!
    There is so much to learn in this because as wives we want our husbands to feel like they are doing their best-because they are, just because they aren’t meeting our every feminine need doesn’t make them any less than a good man- we really have to seek God in prayer. Not God can you make my hubby spend time with me-because God didn’t answer that prayer, I prayed and prayed, and my desire didn’t get met so I took it to hubby. God wants us to be content in everything, I believe once God knows we are content-most of our fulfillment will come from Him then eventually God will allow our husbands to be sensitive, we have to KNOW OUR HUSBANDS, know what they like and don’t like.
    If I would of came off humbly I believe hubby would have heard me and I wouldn’t of felt convicted or bad for what I was saying, also If God was my first desire I would of been filling fulfilled, also if I had a hobby or something fun I was into it would bring balance to the relationship, and I wouldn’t be looking for hubby every chance I get to bring me fun. I would be content at ease, and feeling great, and putting it all in God’s hands.

    1. Sharon, I always love reading what you share. So much of your experiences and lessons learned mirror my own. You articulate it so well. Thank you for sharing regularly!

    2. Your comment was very encouraging. Thank you for that! You are right… Putting the focus on ME and doing my part can encourage him to respond and I have seen that before… I just have to be very careful to not fall into using that as manipulation and to keep my focus on doing it because its what HE needs and what God commands me to do. I am still so unsure and fragile ( for lack of a better word) in this. I have to be so careful to guard my intentions…. Your comment was very helpful to me!

  6. Eccl.
    3 To everything there is a season,
    A time for every purpose under heaven:

    2 A time to be born,
    And a time to die;
    A time to plant,
    And a time to pluck what is planted;
    3 A time to kill,
    And a time to heal;
    A time to break down,
    And a time to build up;
    4 A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
    A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;
    5 A time to cast away stones,
    And a time to gather stones;
    A time to embrace,
    And a time to refrain from embracing;
    6 A time to gain,
    And a time to lose;
    A time to keep,
    And a time to throw away;
    7 A time to tear,
    And a time to sew;
    A time to keep silence,
    And a time to speak;
    8 A time to love,
    And a time to hate;
    A time of war,
    And a time of peace.

  7. Thanks for sharing this. There are a lot of good things here, and I agree with most of what you said.

    It’s good to focus on what your husband does do instesd of what he doesn’t.

    It’s good to remember he loves you and to assume his goodwill even when he doesn’t show that love.

    As a husband and marriage blogger I would like to say I disagree with one thing, though:

    I think it is ok to communicate your needs and desires with your husband (without getting hung up on the answer) in a respecful way. It’s also fine if his feelings are hurt when you do this. Love and respect are not primarily about emotions. Sometimes we need to hear things that hurt our feelings.

    In fact it could be said that holding back your needs and desires back is dishonest and therefore disrespectful.

    Not that you should let him know of all the things you would him to do, of course. Moderation is required.

    1. Daniel,
      Thanks so much for sharing a masculine point of view!

      I agree that wives do need to share their needs and desires – even if it hurts their husbands’s feelings at times.

      The sticky thing for many wives here is that many of us were very disrespectful and controlling for a long time. Some of us complained and criticized our husbands about their lack of affection every day for years. Some of us said things like , “you obviously don’t love me at all!! If you loved me, you would want to hold me. What kind of man are you?!? You won’t even put your arm around me…”

      If a wife approached this issue that way for years, it will be a very sensitive topic, even if she only brings it up occasionally. If this was the case, I believe a wife may do better to focus on showing appreciation for the things she likes that he does. I think she can ask for what she would like at times. But I think formerly controlling and overly vocal wives may have to be extra careful when asking for things not to fall back into pressuring and trying to control their husbands.

      Also, many times, husbands will begin to be more receptive and more affectionate when they feel honored and respected for a long period of time.

      I would love to hear a husband’s suggestions for how wives might approach this issue in ways that would feel respectful to their men.

      I always appreciate your insights, Daniel! Thank you very much for sharing!

      1. I actually think that Fellow Wife did a pretty good job with how she handled it. Maybe something along these lines would be a little better:

        “I really appreciate that we kiss three times a day, that really helps me feel loved. Sometimes I would like it if we could have a little more contact throughout the day because that would help me receive your love even better.”

        That way it is framed as something that would help her receive (an action) his love (which is assumed to be in place already) rather than something he’s failing at.

  8. I think this touching thing really depends on the man. For example, my primary love language is touch, my wife’s is quality time, for her meaning conversation,or doing things together.
    April’s suggestion of initiating contact I think would be welcomed by most men.Even when I’m in the middle of projects, if my wife comes up and touches me affectionately, it is very pleasant and welcome. Only at the height of her controlling behavior were her efforts to get my attention through affection unwelcome.I think the key is reaching out,without demanding. Making yourself vulnerable to your husband, without expectation, tends to bring out tenderness in a man. At least, it does with me.

    1. Tc, this was so very helpful to me. Thank you! I really appreciate that you shared how you enjoy your wife’s affection and allowing herself to be vulnerable. That encourages my heart and perhaps can give me the courage to move toward my husband a little bit more.

  9. Things like affection, time spent together, and sex are generally better gotten by inspiring rather than directly asked for, I find.

    When my husband was still under my controlling, disrespectful ways of being, addressing those types of things was never a positive experience and I generally regretted bringing them up.

    Now that our relationship has been restored, I could gently ask for more affection, but it’s still better to inspire by affirming him when he does the things I like. And focusing my thoughts on looking for ways to do what I know he appreciates inspires him to do the same for me.

    My husband is a great role model for me to ask for less and focus my thoughts on serving with a spirit of joy and appreciation……Seriously, I was obsessed with my own needs when things were bad between us, and that didn’t help either of us, and the worse part is how it grieved the Holy Spirit.

    Lord, bless him, change me, as April recently wrote is a great prayer.

    Sometimes a husband’s personality just makes it hard for him to do certain things that we crave, too. One of my prayers is to become a woman marked as both resilient and adaptable to the needs of others. I had a mom like that and know it came through years of walking with the Lord and a disciplined heart. It was a beautiful thing that continues to inspire me and my sister.

    Wow. That was a rambling comment! Sorry.

    1. Your comment really helps me to approach differently next time, I like the inspiring and affirming, I think this will work with my hubby best.

    2. Julie-

      Thank you for this precious and inspiring comment. It is a very good and convicting reminder that I may need to realign my focus to meeting his needs and leave him meeting mine a matter between him and God.

      I am so very thankful to have this community of Christian sisters to speak with and learn from!

  10. April,
    I love and appreciate your spin on this and that you shared that a lot of times you simply initiate affection.

    This is a point I frequently get hung up on.

    I don’t know where the line is between being affectionate and smothering. Because I have been a smothering, pushy, controlling wife in the past, I tend to go to the other side of this equation too severely….. I end up leaving affection and the responsibility of it to my husband then I end up feeling neglected.

    Finding that right balance is a very, very tricky thing. But reading how you handle those times you feel lonely or a little neglected is an encouragement that maybe I need to move toward him more. I just have such a fear of falling into old habits.

    Maybe I could just begin by going to sit near him and let him have that space to decide to be affectionate or not….I just don’t want to push for anything….I want what truly comes from his heart and nothing that I have manipulated him into….. But perhaps I have been a bit unfair in leaving “the responsibility of initiating affection” on his shoulders…. I just never want to put myself in the position of being “the pursuer” again. That is not fun.

    I appreciate the comment one husband made about how he loves when his wife comes up to him and offers him affection and puts herself out there with vulnerability…. And how he loves that about her…. That may be key here for me…. To give that affection while allowing myself to become vulnerable and expect nothing back?

    My husband almost always welcomes his affection. I believe this may be yet another tweak on the finding balance scale… Perhaps I have swing too far in one direction?

    It does seem if I begin being affectionate, his efforts stop as if he may be thinking, “ok, she’s got this. I am done.” And perhaps that is another point where I swung too far one way? Perhaps being close to him but not too close is a good start. Just going to sit by him when I feel lonely and being content with that may be a good start.

    1. A fellow wife,
      I started by just sitting near Greg and reading while he watched tv. I didn’t talk much at all at first.

      The thing is, if a man is not by nature super affectionate, he may not mean anything by not initiating affection. If he welcomes your affection and you love affection, that is fine! If he starts to pull back or says he feels smothered, then you may need to back off a bit.

      It does take time to find this balance. And he may be more receptive as he feels respected over a longer period of time.

      And, as he feels more respected, he is also better able to hear your heart and care about your needs and desires. So, this will be an evolving thing, most likely. πŸ™‚

  11. Wow, Julie, your words rock!!! I’m adding becoming a woman who is ” resilient and adaptable to the needs of others” on my prayer list for myself. What a beautiful example your mother is.

    It helps so much to hear these experiences and that 2 to 3 kisses a day is the norm for other wives out there too. My husband likes to layer up and is hypersensitive to sounds, fabrics, textures and tastes to some foods. He even has trouble eating when there’s too much noise in the room. I’ve learned that whatever touch he gives me is very intentional and probably only because he’s trying very hard to love me. I’ll be working on accepting this and showing gratitude for what he’s able to give I’m sure for years to come. Things are better now but we still go encounter by encounter with physical intimacy happening 1-3 times/month (and that’s a good month!). My old way of demanding more from him only repelled him and made him feel like I was abusing his trust. I felt like I was starving!!! Sometimes now I even feel weird when he does touch me. It has a foreign feel. This is an area I’ve been praying about and seeking the Holy Spirit’s direction for. I’ll be printing out this post. God bless you, April.

  12. Oh, Ladies….How I appreciate the encouragement, the supporting, and the learning from one another here! Wish I could give you all a big group hug!! God is so good to us! Thank you, April!

  13. Hi A Fellow Wife!

    I just wanted to encourage you in your journey, that you are doing the best you could and I love it that your husband thinks you are a good wife! πŸ™‚

    I never had a problem with affection with Dong. He is SUPER affectionate with me — always hugging me or even giving me a kiss on the lips in public, admiring me in front of others, holding my hand when we walk, putting his arm around me when we are standing side by side,etc..

    He has always been like that even when I was most controlling, but did not do that as much when we were ‘unplugged’ due to marital frictions before, but since I became respectful and Biblically submissive, well… he is all the more sweeter and more affectionate!

    Lest I make you ladies hate me (Haha!) I will stop right here. πŸ˜‰

    I am blessed to be with an affectionate man because I am a very touchy-feely person too. πŸ™‚ Just wanted to share since April said to share…. πŸ™‚

    Love you all,

    P.S. Hi Eliza! Welcome to the Peaceful Wife community. We are all in this journey together! πŸ™‚


    1. Hi, Nikka. Thank you for your encouragement. All marriages are just different and that is okay. We can each celebrate the uniqueness God has given us, right?

    2. hi, Nikka!! I have been reading your blog as well. You are a blessing, my dear! I have been so touched by your transparency (Peacefulwife, as well as many others). Besides being a respectful, obedient, submissive, God and husband-honoring, reverent woman, I would love to continue to learn this type of humility. God Bless all of you and your willingness to be used of the Lord to be a BLESSING!

      1. Hi Eliza!!! πŸ™‚

        I am blessed to know that my transparency (sometimes I view it as ‘social suicide’ — too transparent!) has inspired and blessed you. It is only in exposing my ugliest side could I touch another person’s life. I am glad it has touched yours. You are not alone in this journey, sister. In the Philippines too, I seem nearly alone in this counter-cultural, seemingly archaic mode of thinking and behavior. But who said following Christ was easy, right? πŸ˜‰

        John 15:19
        “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

        Nobody “hates” us here though. We love supporting each other and each other’s journeys in the Peacefulwife haven. πŸ™‚ Together, let us all strive to honor God through our marriages, whatever part of the world we may be in. πŸ™‚



  14. Oh the recliner! I truly despise that thing! I told my husband the next one we get will be a loveseat one. πŸ™‚

    My husband was extremely affectionate in the beginning. He is an affectionate person anyway. But, with me it has dwindled down to almost nothing. It makes me really sad. I know that it is a result of my behavior.

    While I do want it back, I have to stop being sad, hurt and offended by the lack of it. That was just pushing him further away. I have to let God provide that now while I work on me.

    I chose to believe today that God will restore my husband to the man that he was. I know he was a much happier and content man then.

  15. Thank you very much for posting more about this topic, April! It’s so important and with the mainstream thought that “all guys love touching girls and crave physical intimacy all the time”, many are caught off-guard when their husbands turn out to be “different” and don’t know how to handle it!

  16. Thanks April for sharing. My husband is not affectionate at all by nature, culture and also education. His dad is everything but tender.

    It was hard for me at the beginning of our marriage cause I am very affectionate too. When we walk, he gives me his hand time to time but most of the time, I put my arm under his and he’s ok with that.

    He doesn’t really like to kiss and even for a good day kiss, it’s not natural for him. I do miss it a lot but what can I do besides telling it to The Lord.

    We talked quite a bit about the fact that I need affection as women do generally. I think it doesn’t see it as part of a woman need even if I told him. Many times, I asked for it or did as April, sit by him and cuddling. But I really not to make any demand anymore. I feel so tired about and it doesn’t work. Many times now, I prefer to stay with unmet needs that begging as I use to do.

    He did improved in this almost 2 years of marriage and almost each night give me a good night kiss and usually also hug me for a short time.

    But it’s still insufficient but do with it. I can’t change him and even if I do pray he becomes more affectionate, I don’t think he’ll ever be really affectionate.

    I do give my needs to Jesus but he can’t in person approach me and give me a hug. My husband in a ideal situation should be that chanel
    but he is as human and imperfect as me. I try to accept it and be grateful.

  17. My marriage is struggling in this area to. My husband had a very bad childhood. His father was very abusive, his mom left when he was very young, & his step mom showed him no love & treated him awful. My husband has always had trouble showing affection. We’ve be been together 9 years & he was a little affectionate the first year but then got comfortable & feels I am needy because I tell him I need this to feel secure & appreciated. He thinks I should just know he loves me because he works so much to provide a great home & nice things. I would rather have his affection & attention than material things. Our sex life is great but he don’t understand that’s not the same thing as affection & compassion. He recently started his own business so that’s taken alot of his attention from me & kids.

    1. Sheri,

      Goodness, no wonder affection feels unnatural to him. It is a language he never learned as a child – and, no doubt – feels very foreign and alien to him now.

      A lot of men feel the way your husband does – they show love by providing well financially and materially. Sometimes they feel frustrated that wives don’t feel loved in the way they are trying to show love.

      You may certainly ask him respectfully for things and tell him how much you would enjoy him just cuddling for 5 minutes or holding your hand. You can explain that you understand he doesn’t connect that way or bond that way, but that you do, and you would appreciate these things greatly. But, if you try to force him to be affectionate, you will repel him.

      Thankfully, in Christ, you can be content whether your husband gives you affection or not. Really!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Much love to you! and a BIG HUG!

  18. I feel lonely even though im married. My husband is a little affectionate but it hurts because when im going thru something most of the time he really never say anyrhing unless i started getting on him about it and i feel we been together for to long and sometimes i get fustrated by wanting to leave

    1. Terri,

      I am so sorry for your pain! I have had a lot of lonely nights in my marriage, too. So I can certainly relate.

      Is your husband rather introverted and to himself? You would prefer more intimate conversation and emotional connection?

      What are your personalities like?

      Would you be interested in looking for some ways to heal and find contentment and fulfillment? I would be glad to talk with you some more. πŸ™‚

      You are welcome to search my home page for:

      – loneliness
      – lonely
      – insecurity
      – security
      – contentment
      – introvert
      – emotionally distant
      – shut down husband

  19. I am finding it very lonely with my husband, I agreed with an earlier comment where we say goodbye in the mornings, going to work, hi in the evening and goodnight. The 2 teenage children as well as work come between us and love in a physical manor fails. I have spoken to him but like the original message I come out as the guilty one. He says that I am depressed. This doesn’t help at all!

    1. Rebecca,

      It’s great to meet you!

      Would you be able to share a bit about how you approach him when you are feeling so distant and unloved?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      What is your husband’s general personality?

      What is your general personality?

      Was there a time when y’all had more time together and you felt closer to your husband in your marriage?

      Is he particularly stressed or overworked right now?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      Much love and the biggest hug to you! I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ in your situation!

  20. Ugh, I’m struggling guys! Please know I am sincerely TRYING to wrap my head around around this.
    The whole time I’m reading, this one quote His reply, β€œNo, I am not aware of that because I don’t sit around and worry over things like that like you do.”just keeps replaying in my head! I’m thinking “Well, since she rarely does this and she was respectful, why wouldn’t he just turn towards her maturely and bring something positive instead of criticising her?!”
    So I read and reread and read it again, and I am seriously on the verge of tears! I love my husband more than words can say but his lack of affection over the last 4 yrs has thrown me into such depression… I’m seriously now contemplating giving up. Only because it hurts too much.
    I have known for yrs that I have to find a way to not have my peace and joy tied so closely to how my husband loves me but rather with Christ. I have failed miserably 😞
    But at the same time… I’m reading this and thinking: Why wont any responisibility be given to your husband? Why do you feel guilty for desiring and verbalizing something God has instructed your husband ALSO to do… Love you. Be gentle with you. Etc…???
    Again, I’m not judging I promise! I’m sincerely asking!
    I’m trying to figure this out. I’m trying to find a way to either 1. Help my husband WANT to be affectionate with me or 2. Stop needing affection so badly that the thought of living without it is too much to bear.
    I’m struggling to understand the mindset you ladies have, it seems so sad to me. And yet… I can’t help but wonder if it’s ME who’s wrong.
    Would any of you be so kind as to help me understand this better. I’m staying open and I’m praying. God bless you all.

    1. Barbara,

      These are great questions! I know this is a REALLY different way of thinking for most of us.

      This wife was respectful in her eyes. But – she was still “controlling and disrespectful” and pressuring her husband from his perspective. He had heard these same thing thousands and thousands of times before she began this journey. There was still a lot of healing that needed to take place at this point on his end.

      Also, some men don’t have the same needs we do. Some of them truly don’t feel any need for “emotional connection” or “attention” and can love their wives and feel loved without these things – even though many wives do want and need these things.

      Husbands absolutely have responsibility. They are accountable to God and will answer for neglecting their wives or being unloving. They have even more commands for them on their side of the marriage than wives do in the Bible. But we don’t focus on what husbands “should do” on this blog because we only control ourselves. It is pointless to focus on things we don’t control. Not only is it pointless, it can make you lose your sanity to try to control things that are not under your ability to control.

      It isn’t sad to realize that you are responsible for your own emotions and spiritual well-being in Christ and to find all of your security, joy, peace, and acceptance in Him. It is empowering! Then, you can be content no matter what your husband is or is not doing.

      I invite you to search my home page for “fellow wife” and read her other posts. And I invite you to search my home page for:

      – idol
      – idols
      – idolatry
      – insecurity
      – needy
      – control
      – contentment
      – security
      – enmeshed
      – interview with my husband (understanding a passive husband’s mindset)
      – when she surrendered (by my husband)

      I have MANY posts here about how to ask for things in ways that encourage your husband to want to say yes. But, even more importantly, I have many posts here about how to find all of your contentment in Christ and how to allow God to radically transform you to become the woman He longs for you to be and to help you deal with issues in your own heart. πŸ™‚

      This journey is a lot like “eating an elephant.” It takes many months or years. You can’t digest it all in a week or a month. It is the lifelong process of sanctification, really.

      My husband was VERY unplugged and emotionally/physically detached from me when God revealed my sin to me – you can read my “about” page to see more. I had prayed for over 14 years about that God needed to change Greg to make him more loving and more godly and a better leader. Then, God showed me that I had not been the most awesome Christian wife the way I thought I had. In December of 2008, I read the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and God opened my eyes to my mountain of sin – my disrespect, control, idolatry of self, idolatry of my husband, negativity, contempt, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, unbelief in Christ, etc… I was MORTIFIED and shocked. I began a journey to become the woman God called me to be. Eventually, 3.5 years later, my husband felt safe with me again. Now, Greg is much more affectionate with me again and receptive toward me talking with him, touching him, and being around him. He still has his personality – which is rather introverted. He still needs some time to himself. But I don’t resent that anymore. I accept him for who he is. We have the relationship we both always wanted. But I am not expecting him to be perfect or to meet the deepest needs of my soul that only Christ can meet now. I am filled to overflowing with Jesus, and can be content when Greg gives me attention or when he doesn’t. That makes him much more excited to reach out to me and to be with me. He loves to see me happy now. And he cares about my feelings now that he feels honored and respected.

      However, it is important not to seek to change as a way to make your husband change to love you more – but to seek to change just to please Christ and to know Him more and to bless your husband without seeking anything in return from Him.

      Much love to you and the biggest hug!

  21. I stumbled upon your article and agree wholeheartedly! We have had the “talk” before! And it actually better than I anticipated. His feelings might have been a tad hurt but he was more concerned with the fact that he didint notice his disconnect from me.

    We are now back in that stage where he is physically here with me and the kids but not mentally most of the time, like he is distracted. I’m trying so hard to not bring it up. I just talk with Jesus and war with the devil who likes to try and change my thinking. I’ve really focused on showing him attention. Early in our relationship it was always recpriocated. Now I can hug him, rub his back, kiss him and he does the bare minimum or just sits there still looking at his phone, iPad, etc.

    I know I need to just focus on my joy in Jesus but sometimes it gets hard when life is quiet and I give myself too much time to think about it. I don’t think he is physically cheating but I would’t be surprised it there was some internet searching or chatting going on.

    Giving it to Jesus! Thanks for the article

    1. Wifey,
      Thanks so much for sharing! Glad things are improving. I know it is frustrating when you feel like he is not engaging with you like you would really like him to. I can relate! I love that you are focusing on Christ.

      If you are interested, you are welcome to search these terms for some related articles (perhaps some may be a blessing):

      – expectations
      – space
      – husbands emotions
      – oneness
      – closeness
      – insecurity
      – security
      – contentment
      – fear
      – husband idol
      – bitterness

      Much love to you!

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