Administration note from Peacefulwife:
Our children are on spring break, and I am not going to be as available to comment this week as normal. I may sneak in every once in awhile. But you are all more than welcome to comment, discuss, encourage each other, pray for one another, build each other up and support one another! Thank you for the fantastic job you all do of this every day. I am so blessed to get to know each of you.
From our sister in Christ, a Fellow Wife (“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband in the Wrong Ways,” “Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority“:
I want to give you an update to my emotional hormonal email from the other day.
Thankfully, first and foremost, while I had some moments of irritability and moodiness, I did not blow my top at anyone and we are all happy about that! LOL!
What I did do was share with my husband last night that I felt sad he was not more affectionate with me.
I am really sorry I did that now. It did not go horribly wrong- no argument or anything but I regretted it because I think I hurt him and I felt convicted later.
I told him in a very nonchalant, almost joking way, “Are you aware that there are days when we only have 3 times of contact? A kiss goodbye, a kiss hello a kiss goodnight?” I wasn’t hateful or mean in my tone. Still regret it though because I soon felt very bad about saying this…
- His reply, “No, I am not aware of that because I don’t sit around and worry over things like that like you do.”
He sounded hurt. 🙁 Let’s just add that to my terrible wife list.
I told him that I did not worry over it but that I had noticed it and I always felt a bit sad that we didn’t have more affection between us.
- He said he was not an affectionate man.
I told him that yes, he was and that when we were dating and in the first couple years of our marriage that he always was holding my hand/putting his arm around me. (This was before we bought the recliner where he always sits now. I hate the recliner. 🙁 )
Anyways, I was by then feeling badly that I made him feel badly. He didn’t say that he felt badly but he sounded like he was hurt/offended. Also, I then was convicted and reminded that there are many women out there that would LOVE to have a husband that kissed them 3 times a day and I am really blessed.
- He told me that just because he was not very affectionate did not mean that he did not love me. I told him I knew that and did not doubt his love. I told him I was really thankful he was so faithful in kissing me those times of the day. I told him I also loved that he always called me such sweet pet names.
He seemed to feel better and winked at me.
I felt better that he felt better but I felt really terrible about myself. I was thinking, “When am I ever going to learn? Why can I not focus on what he does do instead of what he doesn’t do?” And I SO need to do better at that.
But, thankfully, there was no argument. I *think* I handled it better than I would have 2 years ago. But I do not plan to bring the issue of affection up again for a very, very long time.
- He also told me he tried hard to be a good husband. I told him he was a good husband and I was grateful for him. He told me I was a good wife. I told him I tried to be a good wife. I told him that I would do a lot of things differently if I could go back. He told me we were fine. Which is equal to “do not worry” in his vocabulary.
Anyways, just sharing. I really need to work on focusing on the positives and my blessings instead of what I still don’t have from him. But it could have gone worse. I am thankful I was able to get myself quickly in check and get my attitude straight before I got in trouble.
I find that I personally begin to go into a tailspin if I start thinking much about what Greg “should do” or if I focus very long on what I want or what I need. I do ok if I ask for something in a pleasant way. I think it is important for us to ask for what we desire, want and need. But I try not to get too hung up on the outcome or answer. If I begin to focus on, “Greg ought to….” or “Why isn’t he…?” or “Look what that husband did for his wife…” my thoughts can very quickly spiral out of control and crash.
If I feel lonely, I usually go sit beside Greg or cuddle with him. He is open to that and if he is watching TV, he is always receptive to me sitting with him these days. Now that I know that he “always feels connected to me” – that “feeling connected” is his “default mode” in our relationship – I don’t assume evil motives from him like I used to. I always thought that if we weren’t actively “connecting” that we were “not connected.” But that is not how Greg looks at things. So now, I am able to know that we are “connected” unless I actively disconnect from him. I find that now that I have this better understanding of how he looks at our relationship, I don’t feel lonely nearly as much!
Greg isn’t a super affectionate guy. He will often respond if I initiate affection. I am VERY affectionate! I like to be touching all the time. Greg is not the kind of man who will put his arm around me or reach out and take my hand – and that’s ok! If we are at church and I want to hold Greg’s hand, I reach for his hand and he is usually very willing to hold my hand for awhile. He often plays with my hair at night if I go sit by him on the bed most of the time. I love that. But he doesn’t normally initiate affection. I often hug or kiss him when we walk past each other in the house – he seems happy about that. (When I began this journey, he had gotten to the point that he barely looked at me, barely touched me and didn’t talk to me or listen to me. So things have changed quite a bit at our house in the past 5.5 years.) He’s fine with me sitting by him and touching him if I want to. So, now instead of trying to demand his attention/affection, make a big deal out of what I want (i.e.: have a BIG TALK about it), I just go sit by him, smile and put my hand on his leg, rub his shoulders or cuddle up to him. I ask him about what he is watching sometimes. Sometimes I am quiet and just enjoy being with him. Sometimes I have something on my heart and if I know he is ok with me talking, I will talk with him. We have a lot of great conversations that way. There are some rare occasions where he will come hug me out of the blue. I love when he does that! I am always sure to thank him.
For me – I do MUCH better and feel a lot more sane, stable and peaceful if I focus only on Jesus and what God desires me to do on my end of the relationship. I am most empowered when I focus on the good things about Greg, the blessings in my life, thanksgiving, joy in Christ, contentment in Christ, the peace God gives to me, praising God and my own journey to learn and absorb all I can from God.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
When you would like more of your husband’s attention, affection and time, what do you do? What do you say? How does it usually work out? How do you seek to honor Christ and your husband in this area? If you have struggles to share, you are welcome to share them. If you have success stories and godly wisdom to share, we’d all love to hear that, too!
I am assuming that most of my readers are spending time in the Bible daily, that you are praying fervently, that you are seeking God with all your heart, that you want to know Him more than anything and that you weigh my words (and everyone’s words) against Scripture.
SCRIPTURE RELATED TO TODAY’S POST:
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I believe we can word verses 12 and 13 also to read “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether feeling very loved or not feeling very loved, whether receiving a lot of my husband’s attention and affection or whether he is ignoring me. I can be content and full of the joy and peace and power of God through Him who gives me strength.”
It is ALL about our walk with Jesus!
FOLLOW UP IN SEPT 2014
Please check out how much God has done in A Fellow Wife’s Life over the past year! “A Fellow Wife Reflects on Her Two Year Journey”