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When Your Husband Rejects You

 

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I am not a therapist, psychologist, a licensed sex counselor, a pastor, a trained counselor or a psychiatrist. I am just a part time pharmacist and a wife who loves Jesus.

The survey questions I had a week or so ago revealed several things about my readers and their marriages that I would like to take some time to discuss.

First – a few results from the survey (about 550-605 women responded):

  • 75% percent of you said that sex was either very important or that you can’t live without it. 21% said you could take it or leave it, and the rest were not very interested in sex at all.
  • 79% said that your husband’s affection was either very important or extremely important. 18% said it was important but you could live without it. The rest were not very interested in affection.
  • 25 of you said that your husband did not initiate ANY physical contact in the past month (for some of you, your husband may be deployed, which could skew those results).
  • A few hundred of you have experienced your husband’s sexual rejection of you. Some of you are able to accept this graciously, but for many, there are a lot of tears and hurt feelings – understandably.
  • About 230 of you have a fairly difficult time talking with your husband about sex.
  • At least 223 of you are pretty unsatisfied sexually in your marriage.
  • 196 of you say that you desire sex more often then your husband does.
  • 109 of you have sex once a month or less (20 of you say you never have sex with your husband anymore).
  • 65 of you say that your husband doesn’t enjoy touching you affectionately very much.
  • 248 of you say your husband sometimes turns you down for sex. 66 of you say your husband often turns you down for sex. 22 of you say your husband always turns you down for sex.

So – There are some major issues going on here for some of us in the sexuality department. Today I want to discuss how we handle situations where our husbands sexually reject us, turn us down, don’t respond or can’t respond. I don’t have all the answers here. I have some ideas to suggest. But I would like for this to be a discussion. I believe that there are a number of you who  may have some really helpful ideas, solutions, approaches and suggestions that may greatly bless some of our other sisters.

MEDICAL ISSUES:

Many of you may be dealing with medical problems on your end or your husband’s end. As a pharmacist, I know that obesity, diabetes, blood pressure problems, exhaustion, depression, low testosterone and many medications can cause a low sex drive for men. A man who has had prostate surgery or who has enlarged prostate may have sexual issues, as well. There are many products that can help with low sex drive in men and with erectile dysfunction today.

  • Exercise and losing weight (if a man is overweight) can boost testosterone levels
  • Viagra, Levitra, Cialis – these are (unbelievably expensive) pills that can help with erectile dysfunction and desire issues for men. They tend to run at least $25 per pill, sometimes more. These drugs do have potential side effects and drug interactions, so your husband would need to discuss these things with his doctor.
  • Caverject – a penile injection that a man can use to help with erectile dysfunction.
  • Muse – a urethral suppository for erectile dysfunction.
  • vacuum devices – can be used to pull the blood into the penis, then a “rubber band” type of device is placed on the base of the shaft of the penis to prevent the blood from draining back out.
  • testosterone – topical or injections can be used for men who have low testosterone, this will increase their energy level and libido, but is only for men who do have low testosterone and there are many possible side effects, particularly if these products are used in too high of a dose.
  • Hitachi Magic Wand – this is an electric vibrator that is also a deep tissue massager that can help men and women who have difficulty achieving orgasm.

If you have questions about medications or medical devices, please contact your pharmacist or doctor. If you have medical issues yourself, please talk to your doctor or OB/GYN about possible solutions.

Here is a post I wrote about dealing with erectile dysfunction. Please keep in mind, this is a very painful subject for most men, sometimes no matter how a wife mentions this subject, it is going to feel emasculating to a husband. To a large degree, a husband may need to decide to go to the doctor for this on his own. In my mind, this would be something to pray about and seek God’s power and wisdom about as you consider how to approach your husband.

PORN ADDICTION:

This topic just breaks my heart. But, for men who are addicted to porn, the neuronal pathways in their brain become permanently altered and if the addiction gets severe enough, eventually men lose the ability to be aroused by their real life wife – no matter how beautiful she is. They train their brains to only respond to porn – which gives the brain hits of neurochemicals that are identical to the high a drug addict gets from heroin or cocaine, but porn can be even more addictive than those things.

  • Check out John Piper’s site www.desiringgod.org “Pornography, The New Narcotic”  and his follow up post, “Hijacking Back Your Brain from Porn.”
  • www.xxxchurch.org is a site to help people overcome and recover from porn and sex addictions, this is the site our youth minister recommends to parents at our church. I haven’t read all of the posts on the site, but the ones I have read seemed very helpful to me.

A HUSBAND FEELS DISRESPECTED:

This is an issue that many wives are not aware of, or may not be before they read much on my site or other books about respecting our husbands. Many husbands have shared on posts in the past that when they feel controlled or disrespected by their wives, they may eventually lose their sexual desire for their wives. Not all husbands do. There are some husbands who would be receptive to sex no matter how upset they were. But there are a large number of men who shut down sexually when they feel dishonored, belittled, humiliated, constantly criticized, verbally emasculated, verbally attacked, disrespected or treated like a little boy instead of a man.

If you are new to my site, I would highly recommend that you read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission. There is also a post at the top of my home page that shares 8 wives’ stories about how their sex lives changed as the wives began to truly respect and honor their husbands.

And let me mention here – I don’t think it is possible for me to overstate the importance of this:

  • PLEASE do not criticize your husband sexually or humiliate him about his performance or his sexuality!  PLEASE!!!!! Not in private, and absolutely never in public.  Even the slightest implication a wife makes that her husband does not or cannot sexually satisfy her can be crushing and even devastating to many husbands.

A HUSBAND HAS BEEN REJECTED TOO MANY TIMES:

I have also seen husbands whose wives have rejected them hundreds or thousands of times eventually just shut down and refuse any sexual contact with their wives.

  • A very helpful resource for wives may be www.forgivenwife.com.
  • I’d love to see us as wives seek to be as sexually available as possible to our husbands in accordance with I Corinthians 7:1-5.
  • A Precious Example – a wife who gave her husband the most wonderful gift

INDIVIDUAL IDIOSYNCRASIES:

There are some husbands who just have a lower drive. That is not wrong. Some men are much more visual or much more sexual. Some are not as much. There is a continuum of what is normal, not every man is the same. Some men may be totally healthy and normal and be happy with sex once a week or once every two weeks. Really!

There are also issues that come up as a man ages where testosterone levels decrease and prostate problems increase that can affect desire and performance at times. But there is medical help available!

SEVERE ISSUES:

Sometimes sexual problems are caused by a husband being involved in infidelity of some type. If that is your situation, please seek godly, experienced, biblical counseling ASAP! I am not addressing wives whose husbands are involved in adultery in this post. In fact, I wouldn’t want to have sex with my husband if he were cheating on me, until he VERY CLEARLY repented and took tests to check for STDs and was showing extreme transparency to me. It would be a long process of rebuilding that lost trust. It is not impossible for God to heal a marriage after infidelity. I have seen Him do it many, many times. But you may need extra help in this situation.

If there is physical abuse going on, or addictions to drugs/alcohol, please seek godly help! I am not able to address these situations.

If your husband was sexually abused or molested as a child – he is going to have severe spiritual/emotional/sexual scars to try to overcome. If you were sexually abused, molested or raped, you are going to have severe spiritual/emotional/sexual scars to try to overcome. You and he may both need experienced, outside help for this kind of situation, as well.

———

If you have a husband who is feeling extremely disrespected (and he is not involved in adultery), here are my suggestions. Other wives, you are welcome to chime in here as well!

****  PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!  Pray for God to heal your sexual union for His glory. God gave sex to us in marriage to be a glue to hold us together. The enemy wants to keep us from having a healthy sexual union. God desires us to have a satisfying, vibrant, fulfilling sex life in our marriages (Song of Solomon, I Corinthians 7). Pray for the strongholds to come down, strongholds of any sin on either side of the marriage and strongholds of the enemy.

1. Stop the unintentional and intentional disrespect immediately. Learn what feels disrespectful to your husband. Avoid those things. Say nothing rather than bulldoze him or attack him or put him down. (The Frustrating Quiet Phase)  Look through the Peacefulwife Timeline at the top of my home page and read all the posts  you can find on this topic. Your Words Can Cause Catastrophic Damage.  A Wake Up Call for Wives.

2. Begin to use your words to give life. Begin to use your words to encourage, bless, praise, build up, genuinely admire, honor and respect your husband. Research what it means for a man to feel respected by his wife and what a wife can do to powerfully motivate, bless and breathe life into her husband as she learns to understand his masculine heart and needs. What Is Respect in Marriage? My Wife Would Bless Me If

3. Lay down your expectations. Don’t try to control him in the area of sex. Don’t try to initiate every single night if he is rejecting you fairly often. Giving him a bit of space (waiting for days or possibly weeks) in a situation like this can sometimes help him have a chance to feel his own desire for you more and to want to come to you.

4. If possible, talk with your husband about if he reads your cues or if he is missing them. Some husbands don’t realize that their wives are trying to initiate sex. It would be great if you and your husband could talk about this and maybe you can ask him about his cues that he wants to have sex so you won’t miss his either.

5. Approach him in the morning if possible. Men have the highest levels of testosterone generally in the morning right before or around the time they usually wake up.

6. Some husbands prefer a hands on direct approach rather than a wife initiating with words. Some husbands like words. This will require you to study your husband to know what works best for him.

7.  If things are EXTREMELY tense between you, you may want to just start by sitting in the same room with him quietly and smiling at him whenever he looks at you. Maybe you could eventually move to sit quietly beside him while he watches TV or whatever he is doing and you could read a book and just enjoy being near him.

8. Then, once you are able to be in the same room together and you are smiling at him more often, maybe you could offer a shoulder rub or back massage. If you need ideas, there are videos on YouTube from massage therapists that can give you some great ideas. As things continue to be less tense and if your husband begins to relax a bit, some husbands may respond best at first to a wife’s hands or mouth (if you need more detail on this, we can talk about it in the comments, or you can check out my friend, Kayla’s, series on sex). This could be a great way to begin to bridge the gap if there hasn’t been a lot of sexual intimacy in recent months. I am aware of a number of husbands (not all, but quite a few) responding positively when a wife approaches them in this way just to bless the husband at first for a number of weeks or so. That could be a place to start.

9. Wear your hair the way he likes it whenever possible. Wear clothing he likes whenever possible. Especially if your particular husband is quite visual. Make some effort to doll yourself up for him just to bless him no matter what his response. (If you have issues with food or body image, please seek godly help! There is victory available to us as daughters of the King, we don’t have to be enslaved to addictions and fear! As we give absolute surrender to Christ, He has the power to heal us. There are many godly resources available about these issues.)

10. As much as possible, if he does turn you down, I pray for God to give you the strength to accept this graciously and calmly. I think it is possible to ask for what we desire, then respond with a bit of sadness but to maintain self-control. I know this can be extremely painful and feel very personal. Sometimes a husband may just be tired or extremely stressed or have other things going on. Sometimes it is not personal. But, if we get really emotional and upset, and especially if we lash out verbally in anger in those moments, it is easy for us to create severe emotional/spiritual injuries to our husbands surrounding their sexuality that can be almost impossible to recover from. If we can approach our husbands with empathy, understanding and patience and turn to God for the power to respond in a way that honors Him, we can bless ourselves and our marriage. But if we lash out and say things like:

  • If you were a REAL MAN, you’d want to have sex with me!!!
  • Are you gay or something?!?!?!! You must be! Every other man in the world wants to have sex with his wife but you!
  • If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll find it somewhere else!
  • What is wrong with you!?!?!  I thought men all want sex all the time!

… those kinds of words can destroy and crush a husband’s soul and make him completely shut down sexually on you. I don’t want to see that happen!

I am not personally aware of ANY husbands who respond positively to a wife’s verbal insults and attacks or to a wife who is freaking out.

When we get hysterical and super emotional and upset – that can be pretty scary to our husbands and we can unwittingly repel them when we respond with a huge burst of negative emotion. The bigger deal we make of these situations, the bigger the wall we are building that we will have to overcome the next time, from my perspective.

Some wives try things like:

  • say, “Ok. Well, would you hold me while I do X, please?”
  • approach in a different way, maybe something they know their husband really likes
  • enjoy just cuddling
  • go pray for their husbands and themselves
  • go journal their thoughts and feelings privately
  • plan to try again in the morning
  • understand when their husband is really tired
  • go clean the house
  • go work on a hobby

There is a wide range of normal sexual desire in men. Some men want sex once a day or more. Some men are fine with once a week or once every two weeks or so. There are MANY, MANY factors involved in this issue – spiritual, emotional, psychological, neurological and physiological. I can’t begin to possibly address every specific issue in one post. And, I am not a sex therapist. But – I hope that maybe we can talk about this together, brain storm  and come up with some ideas and approaches to try to use to bless our marriages and our husbands. A lot of you had really helpful ideas that you shared with me on the survey. You are welcome to share them here. It’s fine if you want to be anonymous. 🙂

 

RELATED:

Please check out my good friend, Kayla’s amazing series on sex in marriage

ForgivenWife has included a link for us to learn what happens to husbands when we reject them sexually – she said the comments on the post are important for us to look at.

We have an enemy of our souls who wants to destroy our lives, our marriages, our husbands and our families. This is SPIRITUAL WARFARE, my sisters! Where there is sin, we give the enemy a foothold in our lives – unforgiveness, bitterness, addictions (like pornography), resentment, hatred, pride… The only way to overcome the enemy is absolute surrender to Christ. THEN we will have the power to resist the devil and he must flee. God is able to give us victory!

Please check out David Platt’s 4 part series on Angels, Demons and Spiritual Warfare  and his series on Family, Marriage, Sex and the Gospel on Youtube

 

85 thoughts on “When Your Husband Rejects You

  1. April, you are God sent. Such helpful advice for wives and future wives. I still have a lot going on in my life but I am standing still to see the salvation of the Lord. Love you.

  2. I will speak in the low testosterone issue. I started seeing signs of this in my husband about 2 years ago. He did not want to talk about it. He made every excuse why he was not interested in sex and why he was tired and grumpy all the time. It took me 6 months to get him to go to the doctor. It took another 6 months to get him to go get his blood drawn for his test. He was in complete denial. His test came back very low. He was pretty much in shock in the doctor’s office. The doctor told him he has wives dragging their husbands in all the time like this. The problem is when it is low, men becomes very apathetic. They aren’t able to see that they once enjoyed sex and they should now. They get down and just don’t care about anything. I would recommend to any woman who has a husband that turns down sex to “encourage” their husband to be tested. It made a huge difference in my husband. He now loves sex again and he is much more energetic.

    1. Daisymae,

      Yes low testosterone affects a man in so many ways! As a pharmacist, I see how many men are on testosterone medications and it is quite a number of them. This is pretty common – and not something that is a man’s fault. I wish men could know that this is just a medical situation that is EASILY resolved, it is not a personal failure in any way. A blood test. A prescription. And most men feel SO MUCH BETTER! They have their energy back and their libido and performance returns.

      Thank you very much for sharing!

  3. I have been married for 14 years- and rejected much of that time. For several years, I got accustomed to just once a month. Now, things are difficult. I don’t know at what point things got so bad, but months go by without any contact physically. I sleep in the same bed, but feel so lonely. I am not a nagging, disrespectful wife. I have spent the majority of my marriage trying to build him up. In reality, I was seeking his approval of me, and I was doting on him all day every day. When I got burned out, and realized that I was dishing out WAY more energy than I was getting in return, he became MORE distant, and MORE unloving. If I was doing something “wrong” I could understand. But I feel as if I’m simply being punished for setting boundaries. He has lied to me about some pretty serious issues that I found out about recently, and he claims me and the kids are disrespecting him all the time. But I think the truth is, he doesn’t know how to come to terms with his actions. And instead of being honest and vulnerable, and giving me time to heal and forgive, he tells me to “just get over it” and can’t understand why I’m still hurt. He is a “nice guy”. Everyone tells me how nice he is. His mother continually tells me what a wonderful, perfect son he is. But I am lonely. I am hurt. And I am left to believe that the problem is me. I have dug deep inside myself to find blame, and “fix” anything that is wrong with me. But I can only take this so far- I need my husband to be willing to do the same. At this point, he isn’t interested in taking any responsibility for what has become of our relationship. We recently had an argument- which usually begins with the fact that our teenage daughter is being disrespectful to him (and instead of confronting HER, he pouts and storms off into the other room, and then gets angry at ME), and in the course of the heated discussion, he pushed me. And about 3 months ago I went into the room (again, where he had sulked and left the room where he should have confronted our children) and he told me to “shut up” and “F*** You”. He then stormed out of the house. I really am not trying to disrespect him. I’m trying to help him see that as a father, the only way he’s going to get respect from his children is if he TEACHES them respect. Right now, he demands it and gets angry when he doesn’t get it. It’s not working.

    1. MHMC,

      Goodness! 🙁 What a difficult situation.

      Is he dealing with depression, mental health disorders, addictions, a history of abuse, side effects of medications?

      How long have things been very distant?

      Are you seeking godly counsel? It sounds like you may need some additional support and help.
      Are you safe?

      Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Sending you a big hug and praying for you today!

    2. Goodness gracious… I guess I am not as good a woman as I should be, because when a man acts that way – and especially if he gets physical with me (pushing me)!!, I would not be honest if I told anyone, that I would be pausing to tell the kids the importance of respecting their dad! Sorry 🙁
      In my opinion (and I might just be ignorant), MHMC’s lack of respect is not the issue here. A wife’s “lack of respect” is not the only thing that causes some men to act terribly…..sometimes the problem is bigger than that, and often has absolutely nothing to do with their wives.
      MHMC, I am not advising you or anyone here — I am simply sharing my own opinion. However, there is a time when it is ok to think of ourselves.

      1. Prayinglikehannah,

        I agree that there is never an excuse for a spouse to push the other one. I would like to know more of the story before I judge him, though. There is a big difference, in my mind, between a small push that didn’t hurt his wife and a big push that broke bones. I am not sure if this is a one time incident or if there is a history or if there was any substance abuse or provocation involved.

        But, no husband should ever push or hit his wife and no wife should ever push or hit her husband.

        I have seen wives who demanded that their husbands hit them and threatened them and insulted them and egged them on. That is unwise. I don’t think that was the case here. But I hope we can get more of the story.

        It sounds like everyone in the family is miserable. I want to see God heal this precious husband and wife and children for His glory. He is able to do that.

        If a wife is unsafe or her children are unsafe, I would certainly encourage them to get help ASAP and try to get somewhere safe if possible. Of course, if a wife is not safe, sometimes the most dangerous thing she can do is leave. So, please, any wives who are not safe, please find experienced, appropriate help if you truly believe you need to leave.

        MHMC,
        I am praying for you and your family! And I am here and glad to talk and pray with you. I am not an expert. But maybe we can dig a bit and see what resources could be helpful?

        Much love!

        1. April:
          “I would like to know more of the story before I judge him, though.” Great that you are doing that — for the record – I was not judging him – as I said, that is just my two cents on the situation. But at no point was I judging him; I was clearly stating what I would do/not do in that situation, as presented.

          1. Prayinglikehannah,

            Ok. 🙂

            I am just walking through the way I process these kinds of situations…

            I think it can be easy for us in our culture these days to assume that a man who pushed his wife is a monster and that there is no hope for him whatsoever. But – thankfully – one push is something that is forgivable and I have seen God heal marriages from much worse than that.

            I know with my children, when one tells me, “He hit me!” I always have to ask that one, “What did YOU do?” Because, most of the time, there is more to the story.

            I don’t EVER want any wife to be abused – or any husband. I long for every marriage to be healed and to showcase the incredible love, mercy, grace and power of Christ.

            My hope is to get more to the root of what is going on. I think we are obviously not seeing the whole picture yet.

            Thanks for your love and concern for MHMC and I know you will be praying for her. 🙂

      2. There are very few times where one person is completely responsible for all of the damage in a marriage. We are all sinners and we do all sin and usually, what I tend to see is that both the husband and wife are often pretty equally wounded. We are not responsible for our spouse’s sin. But we are responsible for our own attitudes, sin, obedience to God and our actions.

        I value everyone being able to share his/her opinions here. My prayer is that as we do so that we might converse in a way that would be edifying to all that would build the unity of the body of Christ.

        These are difficult situations. Please pray that God might give me wisdom and those who comment wisdom as we seek to support, encourage, exhort, speak the truth in love, build up, bless, pray for and surround each one with the power of God’s Spirit and His love.

        Thanks!

      3. thank you for that comment. I am also going through this. Husband lives in his own space and most of the time i feel ignored. he says he has distanced himself because I have been disprespectful. Honestly at times it is hard to be respectful when you are being treated what you perceive as badly. I have read the love and respect book by emerson and its a great book. but we keep slipping back into old ways. I agree that it must be horrible for a man to feel disprespected but how is it that he can treat wife bady and still want respect…… I am struggling… maybe we are just not suited. Marriage is really hard, or is it only me feeling this. my husband makes me feel like such a failure. shouting at me and telling me what a horrible wife i am…

        1. Banalta,

          It IS hard to be respectful when we feel unloved. And it is hard for husbands to show love when they feel disrespected. Such a horrible cycle. Men can treat their wives badly and still want respect just like wives can treat their husbands badly and still demand love.

          All of us need God’s power to do this! All of us are wretched sinners. None of us are “compatible” without God’s intervention and help.

          Marriage is not just hard, it is impossible apart from God’s power!

          How is your time and walk with God going, my sweet sister?

          I’d love to walk beside you on this journey.

          What is your husband’s relationship like with God?

          I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page. They can be a great place to start.

          I’m here whenever you want to talk – and many other wives will be glad to support, encourage, pray for and exhort you as we walk together. You don’t have to do this alone!

    3. MHMC,

      I don’t know if this is the case in your home or not but I wanted to share just in case.

      If your husband feels that you are putting the children ahead of him or that you are “taking up” for the children against him, that is huge disrespect to a man.

      I have a friend that is a wonderful person and a great wife. She could not understand why her husband was being so mean and distant. I figured it out pretty quickly one day when she describe an argument. She was concerned because her husband was being so hard on the children so she often took up for them.

      I explain to her that if she would just support him no matter what (short of abuse), he would most likely be much less harsh with the children in the future and be a much happier man. I felt that he was being so harsh because she was always trying to protect the children, thus putting them higher up on the priority ladder.

      Another thing she was doing was sitting and cuddling with her boys in the evenings. I told her to stop that immediately and start focusing on her husband in the evenings. He may not want affection but find something to do for him. That doesn’t mean she can’t ever cuddle with her sons but her husband was feeling that the children came before him and that needed to be fixed first.

      She called me just a few days later telling me what a difference it had already made.

      I will admit I have a lot of problems with other aspects of this respect process but my husband does know he always comes before the children. So maybe you could think and pray on this for a while. Unless your husband has a mental illness or addiction, I would bet there is an area that he feels disrespected in that you just haven’t figure out yet. It wouldn’t hurt to ask him if he feels that the children come before him.

      I am praying that your will find your answers.

    4. Your post could have been mine. I will be praying for you. I found that I had to file for divorce for my husband to take the issues in our marriage seriously. God does not intend for man and woman to be married and yet celibate. Seek counseling for yourself and for both of you if he will go. Follow God’s outline for resolving problems. If counseling doesn’t work, go to a deacon or pastor in your church and do your best to get him assessed for mental health issues. I think with my husband it was a combination of porn addiction and mental health problems. We are still in the midst of our struggle. I am participating in resolving things with him, but also following through on the divorce while patiently waiting for God to help me decide which path is best for me. I certainly don’t want a divorce, but it has only been that very real threat which has moved my husband forward in seeking treatment. The book “Love Must be Tough” by Dr. Dobson was very helpful for me.

      1. dairyqueen,

        I am praying for healing for you both and for God’s deliverance for your husband from the porn addiction as well as the mental health problems. And I pray that He might draw you closer to Himself than ever. I pray that you might continue to wait on Him and to hear His voice clearly. I am sure God doesn’t desire a divorce either. I know that He is able to bring healing to this situation. I am sending you a huge hug and praying for you and your husband! Much love to you!

    5. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 12 YEARS MARRIED 3 YEARS. I FOUND OUT A YEAR AGO THAT HE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON ME SINCE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED AND HE IS SENDING MONEY TO SEVERAL PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD INCLUDING THE USA. HE WASN’T PAYING ANY OF OUR BILLS. I AM DISABLED AND A DISABLED VETERAN. HE TALKED ME INTO PUTTING HIS NAME ON MY CHECKING ACCOUNT. I WOULD PUT MONEY IN IT EVERY MONTH LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT HE WAS SENDING MONEY TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF FEMALES. NOW WE ARE BROKE.

      HE HASN’T HAD SEX WITH ME IN ABOUT 5 YEARS. I HAVE BREAST CANCER AND I HAD A RIGHT PARTIAL MASTECTOMY WHERE WAS HE NOT WITH ME. ANYTIME I HAVE GOTTEN SICK OR HAVE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME EVER SO I FIND IT EXTREMELY HARD TO FORGIVE HIM AND FORGET.

      MY DOG WAS REALLY SICK BACK IN MAY OF THIS YEAR. THE VETS ALL TOLD MY HUSBAND TO BRING MY SON HOME TO ME. HE DIDN’T. IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO SEND THOSE THINGS MORE MONEY. MY SON DIED. HE HAS CALLED MY DOG BY ONE OF THOSE FEMALES NAMES. HE HAS CALLED ME BY HIS 2ND EX WIFE’S NAME SEVERAL TIMES INCLUDING WHEN WE ARE BEING INTIMATE. HE HAS BEEN CALLING ME OTHER FEMALES’ NAMES.

      HE TELLS ME THAT HE LOVES ME I HAVE AN EXTREMELY HARD TIME BELIEVING HIM. I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL A COUPLE YEARS AGO FOR CHRISTMAS CUZ I COULDN’T BREATHE WELL. HE WASN’T WITH ME. HE LIED SAID THAT HE WAS TIRED AND WAS GOING TO MY PARENTS’ HOUSE. WELL I FOUND THE RECEIPTS. I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AND HE WAS SENDING MONEY TO THOSE FEMALES THEN ABOUT A WEEK AGO WE WERE BROKE DOWN IN A VERY SMALL TOWN AND I WAS CONTACTED BY 2 OF THE FEMALES ON MY SPARE PHONE THAT MAYBE 5 PEOPLE KNOW THE NUMBER AND THEY WANTED TO TALK TO HIM. HE DENIES GIVING THEM THAT NUMBER. I KNOW THAT I DIDN’T GIVE IT OUT SO I DON’T TRUST HIM.

      I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR OVER A YEAR TO FORGIVE HIM AND EVERY TIME I START TO HE DOES SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN. HE TALKS IN HIS SLEEP. I LOVE IT SO. SO EVERY TIME I START MOVING FORWARD WITH HIM I END UP TAKING 50 STEPS BACK. HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT HE IS GOING TO DIVORCE ME. I TELL HIM TO DO IT. HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE ME AND HE KNOWS THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT TAKES GOOD CARE OF HIM WHEN HE IS SICK AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE KNOWS THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. I STAY WITH HIM CUZ I LOVE HIM AND I CARE ABOUT HIM. I MYSELF HAVE SEVERE TRUST ISSUES AND I JUST DON’T TRUST HIM HIS WORD DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL CUZ EVERYTIME HE TELLS ME, “I GIVE YOU MY WORD,” HE DOESN’T DO WHAT HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO DO.

      1. Veronica Bonney,

        Goodness! What a tough situation. 🙁

        I’m very sorry to hear about all that has happened – with your husband and also with your health.

        I guess I am a bit confused. If you have a husband who continues to cheat on you and take your money to send to other women, I really can’t understand why a wife would stay? It seems to me that you could act with respect and love for God, your husband, and yourself all at the same time by putting limits on the kind of sinful behavior against you that you will tolerate. Why not leave until he is serious about changing and shows real signs of repentance? You can love him. That is awesome. But why stay in this toxic of a situation? It sounds like things are pretty bad and that y’all may need a one-on-one, experienced Christian counselor to help you sort through things who can really get to know you and your situation in person.

        What is your relationship with Christ? Would you be interested in finding the healing that is available for you spiritually in Him?

        Much love and a huge hug to you!

  4. Ladies,

    Ok, imagine this with me…

    What if, instead of eating out multiple times per week – we sit down as a family at the table together and have a yummy home cooked meal most every night. We can cook healthy meals, baked chicken/fish, less saturated fat and salt than we get from restaurants, more fresh veggies and fruit, AND we can connect with our families emotionally and maybe even spiritually. We can save money by not eating out, boost everyone’s health by having healthier food, increase the family communication and bonding and give a great time to spiritually connect and train our children. I have a post about this idea here. It is a win/win/win/win/win!

    What if we started packing our lunch and our husbands’ lunch and children’s lunches and started making healthier choices for lunch and breakfast, too?

    Then, what if, instead of everyone going to play video games, watch TV or surf the internet, we all, as families – went for a walk, explored nature, played basketball or catch in the yard, went to the county leisure center and went for a run together or something fun and active? That would help ALL of us have better physical health, spiritual health and mental health (not filling our minds with stuff from the media and video games), our husbands’ testosterone levels will go up, our health will benefit, our children will be more healthy and active and less likely to have obesity issues…

    We can cheerfully suggest (using our Influence Authority) things like this and look for ways to bless our families. If our husbands are not on board. Ok – we don’t want to nag or force them into anything. But if we suggest it in a respectful, cheerful way – without pressure – our husbands may just take us up on our suggestion and we might all have a lot of fun together!

    I would personally love to see our children less involved in sports lessons and more involved in family time like this – exploring a national park, going to the River Walk together, riding bikes together, talking, interacting, sharing, parents demonstrating a godly example of how to relate to each other, parents leading discussions about God, His creation, His Word, His wisdom and loving Him with all our hearts! This is what God commands parents to do in Deuteronomy 6!

    It could be the beginning of something unbelievably beautiful!

    For a post on hearing how one husband wishes his wife could see that he thinks she is so beautiful and how much her body image issues hurt him, please read here.

    1. Okay so speaking about cooking healthy dinners…here’s where I need some help.

      When we got married, I didn’t cook. My husband knew that full well and took great pleasure in letting everyone know that he does enjoy cooking. However, we eat out probably 6 out of 7 nights.

      Lately, though, he’s been indicating that it makes him feel as though I don’t consider him much when I don’t offer to cook dinner every now and then. So, obviously, this is something on which I want to improve.Here are my roadblocks:

      1. I don’t know how to cook. At all. (Seriously, I’ve burned water.)

      2. I’m a vegetarian, and he is not. I could eat pasta for every meal (there goes the whole healthy aspect!) but he needs meat. I don’t mind cooking it, but I have no idea where to find what I need and I have no idea how to prepare it (see number 1).

      3. I get home after my husband most nights. He works a job where he is on the road during the day and can come home to do paperwork around 4 p.m. I work until 6 p.m. and don’t come home until 6:30 p.m. Crockpot meals would be awesome, but obviously with me being a vegetarian and him wanting meat, we can’t make one meal in the crockpot for all of us (including my 6-year-old daughter who is a picky eater).

      I want to bless my husband. I want to feel like a “real” wife who does “real” homemaking things for her family. Obviously this isn’t a food blog, but we’re all wives from all walks of life, and we all want to find ways to respect and bless our husbands more. This is one area in which I struggle mightily and could really use some guidance!

      (PS – Last week I got off early around 4 p.m., and I found some kind of instant marinade, so I made him chicken with that – just threw it in a pan with two chicken breasts, seemed easy enough – and some pasta for me and my daughter. He LOVED it – I overheard him telling people at work and some of my family members about it the next day. I want to bless my husband like that more often, if only I could find some quick, EASY things that I could make at 6:30 p.m.!)

      1. Melissa,

        Let’s pray for God and your husband to help you with specific ideas and wisdom to creatively address this important issue!

        Great job on the chicken breasts and pasta!

        There are plenty of Youtube videos and online cooking videos that can walk you through various recipes. There are sites devoted to quick and easy recipes. You could even use two slow cookers and have meat in one dish and a vegetarian dish in the other pot.

        How about ask him for some ideas about what he would like you to cook? His favorite meals, etc?

        Thankfully, you can learn to cook! There are many cookbooks and websites that can give you LOTS of help! 🙂

        I’m excited that you want to bless your husband in this way! WOOHOO!

        1. The idea of using two slow-cookers is too logical for me and it never crossed my mind. Logic is overrated. 😉

          Thank you! That’s definitely an option and I have a ton of slow cooker recipes that I could try. I need to do a search on YouTube for some tutorials.

          I have asked my husband for suggestions and he just says he’s a simple guy and a sandwich works for him. Maybe I’m making it too hard on myself? Either way, I will learn some things and I will bless my husband!

          Thank you!

      2. Hey Melissa,
        I didn’t know how to cook either when I got married! What helped me is the Cook’s Illustrated cookbooks. They are tested by America’s Test Kitchen 100’s of times, so you know it works, and they tell you why you a recipe works and why you need to cook it that way, so that you can slowly start to learn the basics of cooking. When I started, I would read the recipe several times over, buy the exact ingredients it said to use, and cook the meal step by step, exactly as the directions say! Don’t try to ‘throw things together’ if you don’t know what you’re doing. That helped me a lot to practice recipes exactly. Even practice some of them when he’s not home to see how they turn out. Check out this website, it has recipes, videos, how to cook tips, and I would suggest starting with one of their cookbooks! http://americastestkitchen.buysub.com

        1. Thanks, E! I looked at the website and there are SO many books! It seems like it would be helpful. Yes, I definitely don’t want to throw things together yet. I can follow recipes though!

          I appreciate your suggestions and advice! Thank you!

  5. Hi,

    I used to struggle with having my husband reject me sexually. I was also confused and hurt because I thought “every guy wanted it all the time.” I did not think I was disprespectful at all. I thought I was a good wife. Now that we are past this point in our life and I now know that I was an extremely disrespectful and controlling wife and I am just now starting to slowly change this. At the time, my husband did not articulate why he was rejecting me, but looking back, he has told me. He told me that he felt I was trying to manipulate and control him into having sex with him by trying to seduce him and he (not necessarily consciously) wanted to withold from me on purpose to prove he was in control and I wasn’t. He also said that I “complained” about sex when we did have it but saying things like “I don’t like this position” or something like that. He said it felt like a “lose/lose” to have sex because either had to go without or do it and gratify a controlling, complaining wife and most of the time it wasn’t worth it. Now, when I’m regularly not being controlling, he enjoys being seduced! Now, if he is genuinely tired from work or whatever, he’ll just explain that he’s just too tired or that he has too much on his mind to think about being sexual. And it’s usually just very occasional that this happens and so it doesn’t hurt my feelings. I also thought that I “never” rejected him and one time I was bragging on myself to him for not rejecting him and he told me that I actually have done that! He told me that I will inadvertently reject him by saying things like “well, I can’t right now, but I can before bed tonight” and other ways of delaying it. I was shocked! He told me as a general rule if he asks for it and I’m not “taking off my clothes immediately” then it is somewhat of a rejection. Haha! I was honestly happy to hear that because in the past I wondered did he even want to see me naked at all? Thankfully, we have been able to work through this. And now that I have repented to him for my old ways, we are able to talk about things if they do come up without layers of hurt, confusion, arguing, etc. Previously to this blog, I couldn’t find any resources for why this was happening to me besides major issues like adultery, porn, etc and that was not at all what our issues was. Just plain ol’ disrespect!! Hope this helps someone!

    1. E,

      Love this. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. I know – I couldn’t find info on this in books either. Except for The Surrendered Wife. But even there – it wasn’t enough detail for me!

      I wonder if you might allow me to share this on my FB later, please? I believe your story will most definitely bless other wives!

      I think that wives NEED to hear other wives’ stories like this so much. They need to know that they aren’t the only ones struggling and hurting. They need to know how husbands think and what they feel. Greg never told me why he rejected me either. Now I know that he was either exhausted or felt too disrespected. He is able to tell me that now. But he never said a word then.

      How helpful to know that your husband felt that if you delayed sex by a few hours it felt like rejection to him – what important information!!!!!

      Love this!

  6. Hello Everyone!

    I’m glad to see this nutrition/exercise conversation going on here. (And how timely as we get our first tease of spring after a very long, cold Ohio winter). I would like to add that I believe most of us have NO IDEA how much our Standard American Diet (which sadly is impacting many other cultures) of ridiculously low levels of vitamins, minerals, sleep, and exercise, plus high levels of activity/ stress is wreaking havoc on our bodies and minds. I agree with April and Deep Strength. Ladies, some of us need to make some BIG CHANGES!!

    Many years ago my husband experienced ED for many months. He found a wonderful book and followed it very carefully. He overhauled his diet, got necessary sleep and exercise, and started to take some herbal supplements. His verility came back tenfold and he has not had a problem since. I shudder to think what a lifetime of meds would’ve cost us had he gone that route. Bodies need balance and regular fine tuning.

    We all know we feel better when we get that right. Our attitudes/ perspectives/ motivations can all be affected by allowing this to slip. The respect we show each other can be affected. When adrenal/ thyroid health and hormonal balance are disrupted, awful things can happen and I would imagine a husband on the other side of that is left wondering who this woman is who replaced the wife of his youth.

    With him on meds for his change of performance, and her on meds for hers. . .plus all those “side-effects”. Ugh, it’s no wonder we all struggle to get along. . . .

    1. Fallenshort,

      Wow! I am so excited to hear how well diet, exercise and sleep worked for your husband.

      You know what? I have taken many continuing education classes on nutrition/lifestyle changes as a pharmacist and about hypertension and diabetes and obesity. And I have learned that we could not have chosen a worse lifestyle if we tried than what we have here in the West.

      Lots of saturated fat and salt. Almost no healthy fats. Tons of processed foods and eating out. Very few fresh foods. So many chemicals. A very sedentary lifestyle. Lots of stress. Chronic and severe sleep deprivation for almost all of us. Too much time on the computer and electronics. Not enough real face to face time with friends and family. Almost no time to just be still before God.

      We think we can abuse our bodies like this and they will work well. But we can’t! God’s law of the harvest stands. We reap what we sow.

      Thank you so much for sharing your husband’s story.

      And YES! our health, sleep deprivation, adrenal burn out, hormones, and everything is so adversely affected when we don’t take proper care of our health.

      The meds for libido and ED and testosterone can easily cost thousands and thousands of dollars per year.

      My motto is always to try lifestyle changes first. Drugs always have side effects and a cost. Not to mention interactions.

      Diet, lifestyle and exercise are the way to go whenever possible!

  7. Thank you so much for including a link to my blog today, April. Our husbands are deeply affected by sexual rejection. The comments on a recent post show what happens to our husbands’ hearts when we do this. I wish I had understood earlier in our marriage how much I was hurting my own husband.

      1. Peacefulwife, thank you for this blog. I tune in many times and it has helped me many times. Am I right in saying that women need to share things to get them off their chest and gain perspective?? I spoke to friends about problems in my marriage and to my mother in law. My husband has been unable to forgive me for these things. He says I have not changed. I don’t speak to people anymore but it is really hard and I feel so alone at times. our marriage is not in a good place at the moment. My husband says I have been disloyal, (speaking to others), disrespectful (not backing him up with kids, but a lot more to that story..) lacking integrity, can’t trust me, calls me a liar…. and now we are no longer having sex together. I don’t feel any love from him. He ignores me. I do call out to God and believe in God to fix things. I do try.
        I am the breadwinner and manage costs of home kids etc My husband contributes little and I mean very very little financially. I do all the cooking shopping and all other housework. We have one kids together and he is good to him. But he appears to have completely withdrawn from the marriage.
        thanks for this blog and thanks to other people for contributing, it really helps to read similiar stories, makes me feel less alone…

        1. Banalta7,

          Many husbands feel that if a wife complains about him or says negative things about him to others that it is very disrespectful. You are welcome to share anonymously here. I believe this is a safe place.

          When the wife is the breadwinner, that puts such strain on the marriage many times. 🙁 I have not seen that scenario work well.

          How long have things been difficult?

          What is your relationship like with Christ now?

          Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

          How long have you gone without sex now?

          Are either of you dealing with addictions, mental health disorders, infidelity issues or a history of abuse?

          What was your parents’ marriage like?

          What was his parents’ marriage like?

          What do you believe you need in your marriage?

          What does he say he needs?

          What do you believe God desires you to focus on from your side of things?

          Much love!

        2. Wow. I could have written this! We are separated right now. Have been 9 months. I’m not sure where we are headed. I’m afraid and lonely. I have heard these exact things from my husband and details are so similar down to the fact he is helping VERY little financially. I don’t know what has happened! It wasn’t always this way. I have said a prayer for
          You. I truly feel your pain.

          1. Tammy and Banalta7,

            I am not sure exactly what is going on with both of your husbands, but I do know this… most men derive a great sense of purpose from their work and for most husbands, providing financially for their families is the number 1 way they try to show love for their families many times. The couples I am aware of where the husband does not work often have a role reversal. Many times the wife ends up resentful about having to carry the whole financial burden, and often does the housework and childcare as well. Husbands in this situation are much more likely to be depressed and more likely to have heart attacks. Many husbands lose respect for themselves. Many times wives lose respect for their husbands. Husbands sometimes feel quite emasculated in this position. And, too, as they see their wives lose respect for them, that greatly impacts sexual desire – really for both spouses, many times.

            The posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect and biblical submission may be helpful.
            But I am sure that there is a lot going on emotionally and spiritually in your husbands’ minds because of being in this situation. I pray that God might heal them and give you, as wives, wisdom about how to best attempt to restore the proper roles and respect to the marriage. I pray for God to tear down every stronghold of sin and the enemy and to bring light, truth, hope and beauty to your souls and your husbands’ and your marriages!

            I am praying for you both!

          2. Tammy,

            What is your relationship with Christ?

            What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

            Would you like to talk about what is going on?

            Much love to you!

          3. Hi. I have a close relationship with Christ. I attend church each week, I read my bible, pray, etc. My husband is distant from The Lord at this time. He got very hurt by the church in 2012. Long story but we were attending a church our close
            Friends up started and they literally closed the church door and moved several states away in a week’s time. No one really got a clear explanation and they ceased contact once they moved. Since then is when things got worse. I resigned last spring after 18 years of teaching due to stress and had hoped this would help our marriage and family. Instead he left in June after I suspected infidelity. It’s been a roller coaster since. He tore his ACL in October and needs surgery but we have no insurance. My life has really just been torn apart. I Finally started seeing a therapist becaue I am not handling any if it well. I am trying to wait on The Lord and have faith my marriage will be restored but the waiting is lonely and difficult. Our story is complicated. I wish he would go to counseling but refuses and is not a believer in the benefits of counseling. I am always searching for encouragement and that’s how I found your blog.

  8. DeepStrength:

    So, you are a male. Thanks for that point of clarification. Thanks too for your compliment! Have a pleasant day 🙂

  9. April, I would like to add to that. No matter what size you are, dress nice, fix your hair, apply some make up if that is your thing. Many women on get fixed up when they are going out. I think it is just as important to get fixed up before your husband comes home from work. We need to work on our health and weight if that is an issue but we can’t all be supermodels so make sure you make what you do have look the best it can.

    1. Daisymae,
      I don’t think our husbands expect us to be supermodels… but remember how when we were dating, we took time to fix our hair and makeup and wear something nice? We were so excited to see our men? We wanted to look our best for them? They still appreciate it when we make some effort to look beautiful for them. We may not be able to do it all the time – but sometimes would be a blessing to our men, I think. 🙂 It shows them that we think they are important and that we want to honor them and that they are valuable to us.

      1. Yes, exactly April! It is kinda of a pet peeve with me. I get in debates all the time with women over this. They say their husbands should love them the way they are even in dirty sweat pants and stringy hair. I also get criticized because I wear my hair the way my husband likes it and I wear skirts because he likes them. I like the way I look. I think I am pretty and feminine and it makes my day when my husband says so too! I do believe that men feel honored and respected when they have a pretty wife on their arm or one to come home too. I just want women to realize that looking pretty does not come from the modern media image. The most plain woman in the world can look pretty in neat feminine clothes and a big smile!

        1. DaisyMae,

          Yes, husbands are to love their wives no matter what. But – why would we not want to bless them if we could without really much effort at all?

          I used to wear no makeup, a ponytail, jeans and a t-shirt every day that I wasn’t working. I didn’t care what I looked like for Greg. I didn’t care what he liked. I eventually cut my hair VERY short even though I knew he loved it long. He never pressured me or asked me to wear anything in particular. Sometimes, he would ask me to dress up a bit more often. I ignored him. 🙁

          Then I read about godly femininity and about how men think and about respect and disrespect and was shocked to see what I was communicating to Greg through my lack of attention to my appearance. Now, I wear skirts every day. I love them! Greg feels more masculine when I look and act more feminine. That is a GOOD thing for our chemistry! And I wear my hair down as often as possible and wear it long – and he loves it. My favorite time of day is when we cuddle in bed at night while he watches tv and often he plays with my long hair.

          I didn’t know what I was missing before!

          Thanks for sharing!

  10. I can only laugh about this since I am sticking close to Jesus and not basing my own worth by what my husband does: today I sneaked to his work place & put a fun invitation to him in his car for a rendezvous any time this weekend…he called me & thanked me & said it was so nice, then he asked me to do him a favor. I was so excited! I said, “of course.” He then asked me to go to the library & get him a book so he’d have something to read this weekend. I didn’t pout or cry- I just said sure! From reading your blog I know I shouldn’t hound him or bring this up. I should be pleasant & patient. I do really look forward to more frequent sex some day…

  11. Oh gosh! Now I really need prayers! I just made a nice, healthy dinner & my husband called to out for beers with his good buddy. Rejected again, in a way.

    1. So, this is how my night ended up – I decided to watch David Platt’s “Angels, Demons, and Spiritual Warfare” video, as you have recommended (SO GOOD!) while hubby was gone. I was peaceful when hubby got home…I think he was surprised and amazed because this would NOT have been my response in the past (angry, silent, bitter, etc. behavior). He SNUGGLED UP with me on the couch and said, “I’m a lucky man.” Wow! God is faithful. And even if hubby hadn’t done that, God is still faithful! Praying for all our marriages as we struggle for holiness on this journey…

      1. LOVE this, Renee!!! WOOHOOO!

        Right, anger, bitterness, the cold shoulder treatment, etc.. do NOT draw our men to us. We repel them when we act that way. I’m so excited that you got to listen to one of David Platt’s messages. So Spirit-filled! What a blessing to watch God at work in your life and your husband’s life already!

  12. Since we have been practicing NFP and periods of abstinence in our marriage, these issues are non-existent. It has truly blessed the intimacy of our marriage!

    1. Mrs. G,
      That is a great point! Many other couples have found the same thing to be true for them!

      I have two posts about The Birth Control Issue
      Part 1
      Part 2

      Ladies,
      Please be sure to check out Thomas Haffner’s comments (a marriage counselor, by the way) about natural family planning and how it impacted his marriage – very interesting!

  13. I have asked my husband:

    “Would you like it if I wore makeup?” His response, “You don’t need it”.

    “Is my weight a problem? Should I do more to lose weight?” His response, “I just want you to be healthy.”

    “Would you like it if I wore High Heels? Would you prefer I wear skirts? Would you like it if I had long nails?” His response, “No.”

    I have asked him about my clothes- he likes when I wear my business attire. (Not practical for around the house)

    My hair: He likes long (I have shoulder length hair, and try to keep it at least that long)

    “Are you happy?” His answer, “Yes”.

    My point here is, some women DO try to show their husbands the utmost respect. Sometimes he try so hard, everyday to bless our man with what he likes. I ask him what he wants for dinner, he says he’s “not picky”. I ask him if he would prefer more sex (sometimes we go months without it), his response, “I can live without it”. It is hard to read the above suggestions, when your attempts to bless your husband for years has been taken for granted, or just plain refused. I just worry that women who are already used to beating themselves up for not being “good enough”, will feel even more worthless. It becomes a huge spiritual battle, when you don’t even feel like your husband LIKES you, let alone loves you. My daily prayer is, “Lord, HELP US!”. I really don’t know what else to pray anymore.

    1. MHMC,

      I don’t every want to discourage any wife!!!

      I hope to offer some suggestions of things to try. But this is not an exhaustive treatment on the subject of a sexless marriage at all.

      There are some situations where husbands won’t respond positively no matter what a wife does. There are some situations where a wife is doing everything she possibly could do and her husband continues to reject her.

      In such circumstances, I would advise wives to seek godly, experienced, appropriate counsel and to continue to pray and put all of their trust and hope in our God who is able to heal and bring beauty from ashes.

      Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I am so very sorry that things are painful and beyond frustrating right now. I am praying for you, my sister!!

      1. Thank you, April. I wasn’t criticizing you, I was just speaking for myself (and I hope other wives) who have searched out sites like this one looking for some glimmer of hope, and yet find the same (good and biblical) advice, that is just inappropriate for their situation. It is a shame, that there are few places to go to for help in those situations, where the husband rejects the wife, no matter what. The worldly advice is to leave without question, and most Christian advice is to stay without exception. I just want to know (as well as others) what to do when you don’t want to leave, but staying is just so painful. There is no real physical danger to worry about, and no proof of infidelity, so what do you do? I’ve been asking myself that for months, now. And the only answer I can find, is to wait. Be prepared for the worst, pray for the best, and somewhere in all that, God will give the answer. My counselor told me to quit investing all my energy into my marriage. At first I thought that was bad advice, but now I see why she said that. My husband gives no response, whether I put in all my energy, or none. And it is healthier for me to save that energy for when it really counts. It’s a painful, lonely place to be, and I hope other wives in the same situation know, they are not alone.

        1. MHMC,

          I believe that I Peter 3:1-6 is your answer and I Corinthians 7. Stay. PRAY. Seek God. Find contentment in Christ alone.

          This is a very helpful post that I think may be a blessing… Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

          Also, I believe that it IS entirely possible to find total contentment in Christ no matter what our husbands are or are not doing.

          You may want to search “contentment” “content” and “discontent” on my home page for some additional posts. 🙂

          Much love to you!

        2. MHMC,

          I am sure you have already had this conversation – but – have you shared with your husband I Corinthians 7 and that he is putting you in a position of great temptation?

          I know one wife who decided to tell her husband that she was considering adultery because he refused her. It worked for her when she first approached him that way.

          I don’t know that I would want to threaten my husband with adultery – but I do think that a wife could share that she is being put in a position of much temptation and that she wants to be faithful and ask her husband what he expects/wants her to do.

          1. Yes, we did have that discussion last fall, when we went four months with no physical contact except for a “peck” or quick hug. I had been tempted because of it, being home alone every night when he’s at work, and on the computer for hours. I confessed to him what was happening, asked for forgiveness, and he admitted that his actions brought me to that place. He said he felt he was partly to blame. But since then, there has been no effort to improve the situation. He may feel responsible, but he takes no responsibility to change.

            I may devote some time to writing about my situation, but I prefer to have reconciled with my husband and looked back with greater wisdom and understanding to pass on to others. I feel right now, I am so much in the midst of the problem that I can’t see a solution. I pray all that is made clear in the coming days/weeks/months.

            I have thought about sitting down with him and giving him a goal for us to reach. I have asked him many times over the years to go to counseling with me. He attending one session, (because he thought it would help ME with MY problems) and has refused any more. I want to give him an opportunity to go to counseling by himself for a while, and when his counselor feels it is time, to bring me in for couples counseling. I am not very confident that he will agree, but maybe if he knows I won’t do this forever, he’ll try to make things happen. If he continues to refuse help, and refuses to improve things, and refuses to take any more responsibility for what has happened, I feel I have no others choice but to leave him to himself. He acts like he wants to be alone- that may just end up being what he gets. I don’t want it to come to that, but at some point, tough love has to be used or nothing is ever going to change.

            God is going to provide- either a way through or a way out. I trust that my life is in HIS HANDS, and I am willing to submit to whatever path He grants me. I pray for answers, I pray for understanding, I pray for wisdom, faith, and peace. And the longer I wait, the stronger I feel, even though I still don’t know which direction I’m going. God is building my confidence in Him- and I just need to wait.

          2. I also want to add that I’m not doing “nothing” in this time. I’m here on this site, and others trying to gain perspective. Two other blogs with good information is the Time-warp wife, and To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. I’ve also been reading books that are of some spiritual encouragement (besides, of course, the Bible). I just received a devotional on living the Psalms that I am excited to get into. I also found a 40 day calendar called the “40-day respect dare”. It’s a flip page desk calendar that I can have on the dining room table, and every day read what the respect dare is for that day. I WANT to move toward healing and reconciliation- and I hope these are some ways I can do it. Of course, I am reading the Word, attending regular church and Bible study gatherings, and seeking wise counsel from Christian women. Though I do agree that we should not talk bad about our husbands, I also believe that if we do not share these things with trustworthy people, we run the risk of being abused and condoning it with our silence. My mom never said a bad word to anyone about my dad, and after his five year run of infidelity, she was treated with much disrespect and aggression from my father and ended up leaving in fear. If she had wise, Christian women to talk to, she may have seen the signs and left before she feared for her safety.

            I do believe that anyone in a similar situation should first seek the Bible for answers. Pray. Trust God. Wait. God gave us women an intuition, that if used in the correct way, will tell us when something is really wrong. We get so used to second guessing ourselves, believing we are no good, stupid, or unreliable, that we don’t trust what God has naturally instilled in us for our good. When something is wrong- talk to God, wait for an answer, and if your gut is telling you something- compare it to what God says. Maybe that IS your answer!

            In my case, I’ve known for years that something was wrong- and instead of confronting my husband (IN LOVE) and expecting some spiritual maturity to come from our relationship, I criticized myself, believing that I was the problem, and that if I just did what made him “happy”, things would get better. What I didn’t want to admit was that he was never going to be happy. He is seeking fulfillment in things that are of this world- and neglecting his family in the process. God was giving me signals for a long time- I just wasn’t listening. My faith and hope were in my husband, not God. When we find ourselves in that place, we need to confess our idolatry, ask God for forgiveness, and seek His Ways, not our own. I’m still working on learning God’s ways in my marriage.

          3. MHMC,

            I agree with your approach!

            I think it is important for women to have godly, spiritually wise mentoring wives they can share everything with. I also agree that they shouldn’t run their husbands down to others. And I do think a wife can share with a mentor in a way that is still respectful but honest. But, yes! Women need someone trustworthy who will uphold biblical marriage and principles that they can talk to about these kinds of serious issues.

            There is almost no marriage where problems are all one person’s fault. I love for wives to work on their issues. But there are some issues that belong to our husbands that we are not responsible for. I don’t want any wife to label herself no good, stupid, worthless or any such awful thing! We are daughters of the King! We have the resources of heaven at our disposal. We are image bearers of God. I want us to know our identity and power in Christ, 🙂

            Thank you so much for sharing all that you are learning! I love it!

          4. I agree about the importance of being able to share with others. I also read the bible, other blogs etc. Today has been bad and I’ve realized how alone I am
            In this. Most everyone is tired of seeing me upset and want me to give up. Many of these are Christian people who mean well but encourage me to divorce or give up because of my suspected infidelity of my husband. my family has no idea the extent of everything. I’m
            Unable to share. And because I don’t want to be discouraged in my walk of faith for reconciliation I have pretty much isolated myself. My anxiety is awful and I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time in a month. I just ask
            You all to please pray.

          5. Tammy-

            In my experience, all I can say to you is, DO NOT ISOLATE yourself! If you can find a Bible Study, or if you have an “online” Christian woman friend that you can write to, or if you can just go out with a close friend once a week for coffee. You need emotional support. You don’t have to be alone. Even if you don’t talk about your husband with these people, do get out of the house on a regular basis. Seek out like minded Christian sisters who can encourage you in your spiritual walk. If you can afford it, see a counselor. I started seeing a counselor when my depression (which was lifelong and mild) became a major depressive episode due to my situation. It really did help me cope with specific issues at home, at work, and in life in general. One thing I used to do to make up for the lack of physical touch was get a massage once a month. It wasn’t the same thing, but it did do wonders for my emotional state. Don’t let your husband suck you into a despairing, lonely life. I do believe, that if we choose to stay in these miserable marriages, we can at least be socially active. Isolation will eventually drown you- be social.

            I always used to have this perception that I needed my husband’s “permission” to drive anywhere if it was for my own enjoyment. He would usually give me a loud sigh, or show some form of disapproval if I was driving more than 5 miles from the house. There were actually many times I would turn down invites because I was more interested in making my husband happy (and I usually just ended up sitting in front of the TV the rest of the night.) Now, I no longer ask for “permission”. I realized that, within reason, I should never feel guilty for having coffee with a friend, or driving to see family, or having lunch with a coworker. As long as I don’t spend out of our budget, and don’t neglect my family or household duties, it is good for me to have regular lunch dates or coffee dates with friends. I hope you can do the same.

            Blessings to you in your journey. It can sometimes feel like a battle- but you do not have to fight it alone.

          6. Tammy,
            You are welcome to share here! I’m so glad that some wives can connect who are experiencing similar trials and that y’all can support, love, pray for, encourage and bless one another. 🙂

            Of course I will pray for you!

            How is your relationship with Christ going?

            Much love,
            April

          7. MHMC,
            I actually think that your perspective right now is perfect for other wives who are in the middle of a similar storm. 🙂

            I love what God is doing in your heart,

            But I am not pressuring you at all. You can let me know when you are ready. But I do think you have a lot of wisdom to share that would bless many wives even now. 🙂

  14. This topic is very difficult to give any advice since the situation from all of us are very different; but in my scenario i can say that patience and long talking is what have helped me and my husband finish some problems that were really destroying our relationship.

    @peacefulwife thanks for putting this topic on the table , i have learned a lot from all the comments.

  15. Hello, I can not sleep and was rejected by my husband tonight. I am going on a girls trip this weekend and will be gone until Tuesday and really wanted to have sex with my husband tonight. We have not in like 2 weeks and 2 days ago we tried but he was done extremely quickly bc we have barely touched due to his work schedule. He has been working until 2-3 am and leaving at 7am, we just started a business and while I am so proud of how extremely hard he is working it’s like what about me ? I mean u would never be fine with work taking over my life and never having energy to have sex with him. Tonight I asked and he literally said muffled “we can try” and then started snoring. I know he is exhausted and tired but what about me? I know I am not supposed to be mad but it’s so hard.

    Also something has been taunting me. My sex life in my marriage is fufilling to me it really is. But I can’t help but think it def could be better.
    We are both Christians, at the time we started dating I definitely lived my life for Christ a lot more than him but he was saved. Now he has really stepped up and become our spiritual leader, but during dating he always pressured me to have sex with him. When I turned him down he was very winey about it. Sometimes angry. I would always feel so guilty and knew I should want to please God, not him. But I still always gave into him. I wrote him a letter once we got engaged, saying I really wanted to try to wait and what a blessing God would put on our marriage bc of it, after all he does command it there must be some reward! Well…. Needless to say, that didnt happen. We had an incredible intimate time dating. Since we’ve been married it’s been down like a hundred notches. I’m not kidding, and I can’t help but believe I am getting punished by God. People have told me God loves you he doesn’t do that, but maybe he does. Maybe I will just forever miss out on a great sex life because of my previous mistake, even though I’ve asked God to heal and forgive us. Idk, April what is your take on that? And can I tell my husband I am extremely hurt he has been working so much that he is too tired to even sleep with me at night ? And then in the same breath tell him I’m proud of him? I don’t want to confuse him but I need more sex!!

    1. Your husband liked the chase, and now that youre married, the thrill of the chase is gone. This is common in marriages. Happened in my marriage as well. Make the change. Next time you go on a date, start making out in the car. Tell him how proud you are if his commitment and hard work at his job. Go to bed naked, and don’t say or do anything. Keep him guessing, and he will feel excited again abiut the chase. (these are just suggestions. They aren’t necessarily solutions. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes our men have deeper issues going on. Regardless, dont blame yourself. Seeking a solution is good, but always trust that GOd will cause a change if you gi ve it all to him.)

      1. Thank you so much. I agree with this. I do these things some times but with no response. I really need to let go of his area of my life and let God do with it what he wants, it just is VERY important to me and doesn’t seem that way to my husband.:/

        1. Just pray about it before pursuing your ideas. I made the mistake of pursuing my husband, and he just pushed himself farther away. Sometimes its not anything to do with you, and they just need time to figure out their own problems. Pray for his restfulness, pray for his priorities, pray for his relationship with Christ. No matter what changes you make, it wont be truly fulfilling unless you are BOTH pursuing Christ first and foremost.

        2. Nikki,

          It seems to me that he may be in intense “provider mode” trying to take good care of you. And it sounds to me like he must be beyond exhausted. Please do not assume that sex with you is not important to him. The enemy would LOVE for you to make assumptions that your husband has evil motives – when he probably does not.

          Sending you the biggest hug!

    2. Nikki,

      Goodness, I can’t fathom that schedule. How long has he been working like this?

      What you are describing is how the enemy works in our lives – to entice us into sex before marriage when it will cause lots of damage to our future marriage, and to keep us from sex when we are married so that it will cause lots of damage to our marriage.

      How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister?

      I think you can tell him how proud you are of him and share your needs, too.

      ie:
      “Honey, I am SO proud of you and amazed at how hard you have been working on the business. Your work ethic and drive to push and make this a success is incredible. I understand this has taken a lot of your time and that you want to provide well for us. I’m so thankful for you. I do have to admit that I miss you terribly. I know you are exhausted. I hope that things might be able to slow down a bit soon so we can enjoy some more time together and more intimacy. I love being your wife.”

      1. I have said all those things. I haven’t even complained. I tell him how incredibly proud of him I am because I truly am. He is not making himself available to me..

        If that is how the enemy works… Then I guess he’s did the job in my marriage. I am very close to Christ, that is how I am able to stay peaceful and sane when I want to lash out at my husband, (praise Jesus) that is how I can focus on Christ when focusing on my husband is exhausting me. But I can’t help but feel defeated thinking that we have permanently ruined this part of our marriage that is supposed to be amazing. It just makes me sad

        1. Nikki,

          I don’t believe that your sex life is permanently ruined. Our God is able to bring healing. There is every reason for hope in Christ, my dear sister! I assume that this time of such an intense work schedule is a temporary play, correct? How long has he been working this much so far?

          1. It is only temporary bc the business is new, and he is getting in the flow of things and doing many things by himself, causing him to want to/need to really get a lot of work done. I don’t believe it will always be like this, no. He doesn’t make time to actually ha e sex with me bc he’s too busy looking at porn when he gets a spare minute. No he doesn’t always do that either, but it always seems he does when he doesnt seem available to me. I know he is stressed but it’s not fair he doesn’t look to me to relieve tha stress he looks to something else. I am getting so frustrated and losing my hope

          2. Nikki,

            Please search “porn” on my home page for some posts that may be a blessing. And also, please check out http://www.xxxchurch.com for resources for people and their spouses who are involved in this painful addiction.

            When do you believe that the schedule will improve?

            If you get a chance, please check out this book, Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray. There is a free download here. I believe it will bless you greatly!

          3. I think hopefully it will improve within the year… Maybe less than that. When I speak with my husband about watching porn he says he is disgusted with himself for it and wishes God would take it from him… He’s even cried once to me, but how can I believe it when he still does it. And this is where my anger about our sex life stems from. I will check out that book. Also I am starting to have bitterness and resentment. I love and respect my husband very much so I do not want to nurture my bitterness I want things to get better, just being honest about my feelings here, but I really want to get professional help and my husband does not. I think he is embarrassed and he also thinks he can overcome with out professional help and says God will heal him but in the mean time he’s continuing to fill his brain with filth and I’m getting the results of that

          4. It takes more than willpower to break a porn addiction. He needs to be fully dependent on God to pull him away. I used to pray, Lord make as disgusting to me as it is to you! Dont shame him when you talk about it. Share how you feel about it, without using the word you, and without saying “that”. (I feel that)… If it is comfortable, and if he is willing to be open with you, maybe sit and go through that xxxchurch website together. If he knows you support his healing, and are not interested in guilting him to change, he will be more trusting of giving his heart to you. It will be hard. What he is doing is wring, and has nothing to do with you, or what you are not providing. But when we give it all to God, he gives us the ability to show incredible grace. Blessings to you.

          5. Nikki,

            The pain for a wife in this situation can be so intense. 🙁 And for the husband, too – addictions are AWFUL!

            Have you read much about porn addiction and how it works, my dear sister?

            I think you may find the resources that would help you both at the http://www.xxxchurch.com site. Then he won’t have to feel so embarrassed, but there is help there and a lot of resources and support available.

            Sin always hurts the sinner and the ones sinned against – and, of course, it grieves the heart of God. But God can empower your husband to walk in victory – he just may need some extra help and support, and of course, much prayer.

            Also, if you are in a fairly strong place spiritually – the book Through His Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn may help you better understand your husband’s temptation and ways you may be able to support him.

            Much love to you!

  16. There is one item missing. Forgive me if I missed it..but there sexual lives in the past definitely impacts marital intimacy.. Not all come to the Lord at a young age so not all saved themselves for marriage..I have found that it shapes their view and creates a very selfish view of intimacy ..couple that with a past of watching porn and add to it arguments about the rejection and you have a recipe for disaster

    1. Sandra,

      This is true. Sexual sin from the past can bring much baggage into marriage and can distort a spouse’s view of God’s design for sexual intimacy. God gives us the boundaries He does – that sex is only for marriage – because sex outside of marriage is so destructive.

      Thankfully, there is healing available in Christ. But it can be a long, painful road.

      Thank you for this!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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