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A Separated Wife Finally Begins to Experience the Peace of God in Her Life!

Tuscany Sunrise

From Prayinglikehannah, THANKS for allowing me to share your beautiful story, my precious sister!

PART 1

April,

For years I have been praying for God to fix “my husband,” not seeing how much fixing I need myself.

I read somewhere in one of your posts where you spoke about how God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that his power would be evident. I think the more I prayed about my husband, the more God allowed his heart to be hardened, so I could focus on MYSELF! I genuinely believe that. I used to wonder, how on earth it was possible for my once sweet husband, to have such a hardened heart – even when there was no reason for it! I do believe that God allowed that for my own growth in Him to take place….for me to find joy in him alone, instead of being so dependent on my husband emotionally…for me to be refined to be what He (God) wants me to be.

I am at a place of peace now, as I focus ONLY on me.

Of course, I DEFINITELY still pray for my husband (everyday). But it is not selfishly as I did before :(, when my main focus was for my marriage to be restored, and for God to “fix him.” Now, I know that I can be happy even if God does not honor that request. My joy is in God. I now, pray for God’s will for my husband and my family. I pray for my husband to taste how sweet and reassuring salvation is, because that is what is important!

I can confidently say that, while I love my husband, while I want restoration, (and some more things too, including daughters! :) ) I have placed EVERYTHING at God’s feet. I am focused on my own flaws right now. I can trust God that He will not withhold anything good from me. I can trust that ultimately – everything will work out for good. (Romans 8:28-29)

I find myself thanking God for the way he has used all the pain he allowed to make me a better person. As humans, we all have some level of selfishness in us. I think one of the major things we can use to assess our motives in prayer re our marriages, is this —- >

  • Are we changing in the ways we react to “everyone” or just our husbands? Are we just wanting to become peaceful in our roles as “wives”, only?

It is very likely, that if we are being refined as a whole, if our focus is on God’s will for us, and not just our desires for our marriages/husbands, we will become brand new. I am a different person from when this started! I am a better mother, sister, child, aunt, friend, employee etc.

  • God has been changing ME as a whole, because this cannot only be about my marriage. This is about God’s will for me as His child.

Thank God, that I am finally not focusing on my husband. What a place to be!

PART 2

Hearing you say you can’t stop thanking God, is joy to my ears! Why? Because it reinforces that you are praying for me…and I know that many times, it has just been the prayers of others, that have held me up – times when I was just too weak (sadly) to pray for myself. Even when I am praying steadfastly, I believe in the power of group prayers.

I wish I could say there was “a moment” that clarified things.

I have had many moments over the years that should have clarified things! I have even had times when I believed things were really “clarified,” but my motives were still primarily based on wanting my marriage restored, wanting my husband to change etc. It was not about totally leaving things at God’s feet, and focusing on me. I don’t think the things I wanted were wrong, I just think I did not put my desires in the right order. My priorities were wrong.

  • I still want those things – (including….daughters :) whew, how exciting that will be!) – but how secondary those are to my relationship with God, to my desire for my husband’s salvation, to my willingness to accept whatever God wants for me, to my willingness to grow in this “bad weather” of my life, to my willingness to be joyful in “whatever” God determines is what he will give me.

So it wasn’t a crash course… it was just the “education” from taking different courses I would say; courses such as –

  • real trying situations with my husband
  • reading the Bible
  • reading other books
  • reading from you and other Christian women on this blog
  • praying
  • trying to hear God
  • learning at church etc.
  • I think I also really heard from God, that HE was the one who allowed my husband’s heart to be hardened all these years. I really believe that.

I felt like the more his heart hardened, the more I acted like a bratty child in the supermarket crying for something and throwing a tantrum at God (my parent), God did not just take the thing off the shelf and give it to me, he let me throw my tantrum for as long as it took for me to realize I was not going to get it that way. It was not a bad thing to want a little candy….. but, my approach was bad. I was more focused on the candy, than honoring my parent.

It has been a VERY long road for me, with much heartache, and I guess God refused to yield to me! Because He is a good parent, who knows that I should be yielding to HIM! If I focus on my husband, I would never improve, because he is lost…… I cannot expect him to see clearly, I cannot respond to him the way he responds to me. I on the other hand, should act like a child of God. Remember, when all this started years ago – I was not saved! So when I cried out to God from day one, focusing on my marriage – he knew that there was something more important that needed to be fixed. He used the trials to save me first!

RELATED:

A Peaceful Separated Wife

A Peaceful Divorced Wife

ROMANS 8

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified;those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

38 thoughts on “A Separated Wife Finally Begins to Experience the Peace of God in Her Life!

    1. Thanks Godlywifetobe … Oh how I love the gift of prayer! I am praying for you too…quite frequently actually!

      1. Thanks my dear 🙂

        I sure hope I can get to that point when I can clearly say that I’m trusting 100% in God and not in my husband and that no matter what happens I can say I love my husband and God is good.

  1. Thanks so much. This is exactly me. I have to finally let go and let God’s will be done in my life and in my marriage. I have been acting like a spoiled, tantrum throwing child. So thankful how God is refining me as I go through the fiery furnace. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Soyarosser:
      “This is exactly me.” I say that so many times when I read posts on this blog — even when our situations are different, there are so many similarities. So it is good to have a community where we can learn from each other and encourage each other. Yup! that fiery furnace is so HOT, but I am better already… it is definitely “refining.” I love my post-furnace self…and I am not even done going through it as yet.

      1. Prayinglikehannah,

        Ha! I like that “I love my post-furnace self.”
        It does make it more bearable to endure the furnace as we see the beauty God is developing in us, I think!

        Much love!

  2. PrayinglikeHannah,

    God is doing a beautiful work in your precious heart, my friend! Thank for your sharing your heart with us so we can praise Him and pray for you.

    I love how you came to realize and believe that God allowed your husband’s heart to be hardened. That is seeing God’s sovereignty even in the midst of suffering and trusting Him not only with the results, but also with carrying you and your husband through the pain. It’s actually so much more comforting to think that God is the one who hardened your husband’s heart because that means He is also the one who will soften it in His time and His way through His power.

    Much love and prayers for you. May God continue to very richly bless you with His presence, strength & grace.

    1. My dear “blog-friend” 🙂 Cat –
      Yes! I believe God made him hard to me… I am not saying the same is true for everyone else; but I definitely believe that in my case. God was trying to get my attention for a long time… I kept ignoring him, more out of ignorance than disobedience. I REALLY wrestled with God about the pain he allowed in my life! I have shed so much tears. I have been really sad, as I watched my world crumbling before my eyes and the love of my life, turn into someone I could not recognize – BUT GOD! It was all about him.

      I am glad He loved me enough to allow me to go through what I needed to make me who I am today. I LOVE the relationship with Him. It is so easy to say we have faith, we trust God etc. But, wow! It is when he tests us that we REALLY learn what those things mean! I would never know the joy of his presence if He never allowed me to be alone, I would have never known the brightness of his light if He did not allow me the darkness…. I am glad he opened my eyes.

      My husband is not more powerful than God… My strength and my future rest in God.

      1. Prayinglikehannah,

        Oh, more happy tears of joy!!!!!!!!

        What God is doing in you is SO POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I can’t wait to turn the page and see what He does next. 🙂 I know it will be for His glory and for your ultimate good. I know it will be glorious.

        Much love!
        April

      2. Oh…and Cat… when you say
        “…….because that means He is also the one who will soften it in His time and His way through His power.” That sounds good to me! 🙂
        But I have to keep focused on the “His time” and “through His power” parts

      3. Amen! This is truly beautiful! Praise God for His Light and His Joy in your life! And for your friendship, support, and encouragement in mine. What a blessing each of the peaceful wives here are! And what a work God is doing in so many lives!

      4. Praying like Hannah,

        Your journey sounds so similar to the journey God took me on about 2 years ago when my husband left and while gone met someone else. GOD used the time of our separation to truly refine me. He taught me many things. Like I had my hubby as an idol and he taught me to truly depend on Him to be my provider my protector and the lover of my soul. Though that time was extremely painful I would never take it back because the intimacy I experienced with Christ during that time was priceless.

        God also began to show me the part I played to destroy my marriage when I got my eyes off my husbands sin which I was deceived into believing was much worse than mine.and saw my sin the way God sees it.

        I think it’s amazing that God spoke the same thing to me that he hardened my husbands heart against me because he was gonna use this to refine me and bring Him much glory Just like pharaohs.He used it to teach me how to love unconditionally and give mercy and grace. How could we learn to reflect God in these ways if we were married to a perfect man. AND when God did bring my husband home I really got to experience the truth that the kings heart is in the Lord’s hands and he turns it wherever He pleases. I praise our sovereign God and u are in my prayers today. May the Lord keep you and so satisfy every longing you have with Himself. Our God is FAITHFUL!!!!!!!!!

        1. Jessica:
          Thanks for sharing your wonderful testimony; quite encouraging!! Whoo whoo whoo…your husband is home. Thank God for your restoration! 🙂 🙂

          My husband’s leaving was by default more than anything else. He did not move out to move away from the marriage. He had to relocate for other things in our life, which we both looked forward to enthusiastically; but I think that eventually gave him the “opportunity” to move out emotionally and mentally – and that was how it played out.To date, I am not dealing with a third party of which I am aware, but I have had enough stress even without that….believe me!

          It took a LONG time for me to take my eyes off his part! It was almost impossible for me to do – there were many things about my husband to focus on! Once my eyes opened to MY part — I was in shock. I have learned, that even if someone else is “more wrong,” we cannot heal until we accept our own wrong — that’s the only part we are responsible for. I now know that I played a major part in my marital mess…. 🙁 but I genuinely could not see it then. All I knew was that I loved my husband so much and he was being the bad guy. If anyone told me I was wrong, I would think he/she was crazy. But, when I took my eyes off his flaws and focused on mine – my goodness… I got busy! There are just so many things to fix! I did not see what a disrespectful wife I was — that is my part….regardless of my husband’s part. I also idolized my marriage and my husband (silly to think I did, when I was disrespecting him) — but I was unaware that I was doing either… I did not know what Godly submission was, or what disrespect to a man looked like. I was too busy wanting to be loved my way……Oh, how ignorant…

          My husband’s heart is still hard right now, but I am so glad to find God through all this…God has softened my own heart, otherwise, I could not love my husband through all this. I want my husband to be saved more than I want anything else…I feel as if he is missing out on so much! His salvation is my #1 prayer request….

          Thanks for your kind words Jessica…. warms my heart 🙂

          1. Prayinglikehannah I struggle with the this everyday. I’ve been so focused on how to fix my marriage, on how to convince my husband that his wanting a divorce is wrong on so many levels that I’ve made fixing my idol. I have always been my own worst critic so my flaws and huge mistakes are something I Try to work on everyday but I realize the motivation to fix me lies in getting my way with my marriage.

            How does one who so desperately wants her marriage to be restored, let that go? How do you lay that at the Cross? What does that look like really? I hear it or read it all the time but no one has actually said HOW to do it. I want to put God first, and I want to trust Him but I still think about, scour the Internet about how to get my husband to love me and want our marriage as much as I do. HOw is that working for me??? It’s NOT! The more I grasp and pull, the more my husband turns away from me and now I think he has closed the door altogether!

            I wake up every morning and aT first I feel refreshed and then I remember…. how my husband says he has no feelings for me,
            how he feels he’d be better off without me and how he says our kids will be better off with divorced but happy parents than with parents who are stuck in an unhappy marriage…..

            as soon as my brain remembers these things usually within a few seconds of waking, N overwhelming sense of dread fills me!!!!

            How do I put those things down and give it to God? I pray for that to HPpen. I don’t want to think like this all the time but I don’t know how to truly let it go and find peace no matter what happens….

            Thank you!

          2. Sara,
            I know PrayinglikeHannah will have a lot of wisdom to share with you. I would also like to suggest a few posts, if you are interested, that may be a blessing.

            You may search my home page for:

            – husband idol
            – idol
            – idolatry
            tearing out the idols in our hearts (video)
            – perfectionism
            – people pleasing
            – control
            taking our thoughts captive for Christ – video
            Is Divorce the Worst Thing That Could Happen to a Believer? – video
            – when your husband says, “I’m Done.”
            – what is respect in marriage
            – what is disrespectful to husbands
            – submission means holding things of this world loosely
            – contentment
            – fear
            – insecurity
            – security

            Much love to you! 🙂

  3. I sure hope I can get where you are someday! For about 8 months I acted like a tantrum throwing child until I found this blog 3 months ago. I have seen how God is using this time to work on me and refine me, and oh how I needed it! I know that if my sweet husband heart hadn’t becoming hardened towards me over the last few years that I would not be looking inward, I would not be seeking Gods face, I would not be becoming the woman God created me to be. So it is good, I see that! I just am not in a place of peace right now about my marriage never getting better or possibly ending. I just need to keep coming before my Father and bringing Him my fears and hurts and disappointments and allow Him to refine my motives continually. Thank you for sharing your story so that all of us could be encouraged. It is really helping me to walk this hard road knowing that so many others are walking it with me! Praise God for that!

    1. Melanie,

      I am so excited about what God is doing in you! What a blessing that you have faced these painful trials because they have brought you to Christ. I pray that your marriage might be restored for God’s honor and glory – but more than that – right now, I pray that you might be able to hold everything loosely but Jesus and trust God with the details and the ending and just focus on allowing Him to make you more like Himself and on abiding in Him and being filled with His love, power, mercy, grace, peace and joy.

      Much love!

    2. Hi Melanie:
      I am glad you are encouraged.
      “I sure hope I can get where you are someday.” You will in time. Just know it is not an express train. I thought I was on the right road, when God opened my eyes to MY part. From the first 2 posts that April shared from me months ago; it would seem that I was definitely “there.” But though I was on the right road, the “I get it” train stopped many times for me, and I certainly needed to stop and re-fuel! We have to be realistic… it is hard, so we will get weak sometimes – especially if we fail to keep fuelled by constantly feeding on the word and looking to God. But, he will give us the strength to keep at it. If someone had asked me if I could do this prior to all this, I would say no way.. but, God chose me to be the one to bear this burden for the ultimate good of my family. I know that, and as such He has given me the strength to do this. He will give you the strength too.

  4. Big hugs you PLH!!!! So happy for you & the growth you are continuing to see daily. Yahweh is doing such a good work in you!!!! Just AWESOME!!

  5. It is truly merciful of God our Father that he doesn’t always cave into our self-centered, incessant demands. I’m thinking of when he gave the Israelites meat to eat in the desert after they whined and complained but also sent leanness into their souls with it (see Psalm 106). The cost to selfishness is so high! He shows great patience and wisdom and love to us when he stands by and allows us time to come to our spiritual senses and surrender our hearts and plans to him before moving on our behalf. I have been a recipient of this mercy A LOT and have even prayed that God will allow me to kick and scream and be uncomfortable rather than to give me what I want if he has something different in mind. I’m glad that so many others can relate! 🙂

    I wanted to thank you, April, and the community of wives here for opening up their hearts and experiences to one another. Online fellowship can really be a help at times! Also, April, I love how respectfully and edifyingly (new word??) you handle even the toughest comments that people post sometimes. To God be the glory for your gracious example.

    1. Growing Up Spiritually,

      It is very loving of God that He does not give us things that are not for our best even when we demand and pitch a fit. David Platt has a sermon where he talks about “the danger of giving sinful people what they want” and he talks about how Aaron made a golden calf for the people to worship when Moses was delayed in coming down from the mountain. That was not love or godly leadership to give them the idol they wanted. Many of them were destroyed because of their sin. God wanted to destroy the entire nation after that and start over with Moses’ family and if Moses had not fasted and interceded for the people for 40 days, God would have cut them all off because of His righteous and holy wrath over their sin.

      I love that prayer. Yes, may God only give us what He knows is best, not what we think we want!!!!

      You are most welcome. It is such a blessing to have this community of women to support, encourage, exhort, share, bless and pray for one another. This journey to become a godly wife can be lonely many times. I love the support and unity and the Spirit of God that is found here.

      It is my prayer to always respond in the power, love, truth, grace and power of God. Please pray for God to give me wisdom and His Spirit to do this. It has to be ALL Him.

      Much love!

    2. Hi Growing up spiritually:
      “……and have even prayed that God will allow me to kick and scream and be uncomfortable rather than to give me what I want if he has something different in mind.”

      I wish I was that wise from day one…. I would have saved a lot of the energy and the time I spent on my tantrums. If God gave in to me, nothing my husband gave me (even those daughters that I have my heart set on : ) ) could be as fulfilling as having this relationship with God. I did not know what I was missing when I did not have this. Thank God for salvation and for loving me enough to want me to have it so bad, that he allowed me the pain that I needed to get it. Oh, how I wish I was not so stubborn then!

  6. This article was truly an eye opener. My husband and I separated and have been distant for a few months now. I can say that I have played a HUGE role in trying to control my husband and idolizing my marriage. I have not been connected to God for a few years now and when ever I was it was because of my marriage and for Good to change him. From this site I can now recognize I am the issue four my troublesome marriage. I’m currently in the proceed of reestablishing my relationship with God. I want to do it for myself and not my marriage. Please pray for my strength and my perseverance to purse God and while hearty accept his love for me. I’m still struggling with the pain of my marriage trail and I pay to overcome if he never returns. Please pray.

    1. Candibee27:
      Oh, how I know how you feel 🙁 — but it does not end there, how I know how you can feel better! 🙂 – I did the same thing…. I started off in a friends with benefits relationship with God! I wanted to do his will, IF he would heal my marriage. In fact, when it all started going downhill, I prayed and told God that if He healed my marriage, I would accept him as my personal savior and get saved. Who did I think I was?! 🙁 — Oh, what a silly child I was.

      I think it is easy (natural) to start off with the wrong motives….. but you have realized this and that is a BIG step! Good for you! Don’t think you have to start off with huge steps… but the Bible is such a place of peace… maybe, a simple devotional will help you daily as you try to spend time with God daily…maybe listening some praise and worship songs daily, spending time with matured Christian women… listening good sermons, even online if you don’t have a good church right now….. Also, have you read the Love & Respect book by Dr. Emerson Eggerich? I think that book is so good at helping us see OUR part…which for me played a major role in me refocusing. I trust that God will soothe your pain…. just allow Him to do it His way.
      You are in my prayers……

  7. It for sure is a turning point when you realize your prayers have been selfish ones that need to be changed. I had the same revelation about my prayers. Instead of praying to “fix” him I started praying for peace, understand and love. It is amazing the way our minds and attitudes can be changed and reshaped when we approach things differently!

    1. Cassie,

      I love this!!!! I’m so thankful God is gracious enough to open our eyes to our error and sin and show us His narrow path. It truly does lead to His peace and joy. 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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