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Screaming on the Inside

From a precious sister in Christ, Terrie:
This picture was in my newsfeed this morning, intended as humor, but it struck a chord with me. Maybe it strikes a chord with you, too. As believers, we are expected to react to the tragedies and trials in our lives according to the Word of our God, and of course, that’s exactly what we should be doing.
Sometimes, though, it’s not that easy, is it? Sometimes, those Living Words can feel just like typed words on paper. Sometimes, our spirit does not absorb what our eyes are reading, and what our mind already knows. Sometimes, we are too ashamed to admit to those closest to us in our faith walk that we are stumbling on two broken ankles. We may even find ourselves beginning to just go through the motions, so no one knows how frail our faith has become. We are smiling and praising on the outside, but inwardly, we are screaming.
I know, because recently, it happened to me…
Just before my ninth year of walking on the narrow path, “The Event” happened in my life that knocked me so far back, I began to wonder if I had ever been on the path at all, or if I had just been deceiving myself. I turned to my wiser sisters, who encouraged me, prayed for me, and directed me to the Scriptures that held the answers to my dilemma. At that time, I couldn’t find the words to tell them how disconnected I felt, no matter how much encouragement was coming my way.  I spent almost two months saying “HalleluYah!” and “Amein!” to my brethren, using only my mouth, and dying inside a little more each day.  I was smiling, but still screaming on the inside.
  • I backed into a dark corner, where my enemy and my pride wallowed together in a pity party, each feeding the other, while my spirit was starving. It got harder and harder to smile through the internal screaming, and so I gave in to the isolation instead….
I was ready to chuck everything, from my Bible to my marriage, right in the river. But I have come through the fiery furnace, most of the way, at least, and am already beginning to give thanks for this core-shaking event.

Day after day, I awoke to a feeling of desperation and to the wetness of tears rolling down my face. “The Event” was my first conscience thought in the morning. Even in my despair, I knew that my God was the answer, and I cried out to Him often, even if the only words I could form were “I need You!”.  I hung Scriptures all over my house, and spoke them aloud often. For a while, I would feel the strength and peace to get the day started. Without fail, though, “The Event” would seep past the guard on my thoughts, and I’d find myself weeping again. Or fearing. Or playing the “what if” game. Little by little, shame would creep up on me.

  • I was ashamed that my faith was shaken.
  • I was ashamed that even though “The Event” happened to me, my reaction to it was every bit as sinful as “The Event” had been toward me.
It was not unlike being caught in a whirlwind. I was spinning out of control, and more scared than I have ever been in my life. My days ended much like they’d started, with tears on my face, wrong thoughts in my head, and my enemy laughing…
I knew that my Father hadn’t let go of me, but was unsure of exactly what was happening. And so, I cried out some more. Finally, in a fit of tears, I told God everything I was feeling. I even confessed my anger toward Him for allowing “The Event” to happen to His own daughter! He patiently waited for my tantrum to be over, and whispered one Word into my spirit…Pride. I understood then that in order to give “The Event” to Him to work for my good, I had to let go of it. Pride kept it clutched in my hands…
  • ~Pride is the most common crack in our armor, a place for our enemy to take a foothold (See Eve’s story). Whether his foothold becomes a stronghold or not is up to us!~
With this new understanding came the beginning of my journey back to the Narrow Path. I began to see how “The Event” could be used by both my Father and my enemy.
  • My Father could use  it for me to bear fruit in the future. That is HIS will for my life.
  • My enemy (who is really YHWH’s enemy) could use it to tarnish my testimony. That is his will for my life.

The choice as to what role “The Event” will ultimately play in my life, which is truly a choice between life and death, is mine to make…

Like I did nine years ago, I will choose life. Every day. This time, with a plan to combat the wiles of my enemy and those of my second enemy, my own pride…
  • I will choose the Narrow Path, which is lit by the Word of my God.
  • I will forgive freely, as I have been forgiven.
  • I will think on the things that are praise-worthy.
  • I will repair my armor by keeping my pride in check. No stronghold can be taken without first having a place to take a foothold.
  • I will remember that when I pray for “Whatever it Takes” sometimes whatever it takes will hurt.
  • I’m going to let any hurt propel me closer to my Father, who will reveal what the hurt can teach me about Him.
This time, if  I start to hear the screaming on the inside, I will seek wise counsel in honesty, and be accountable for my own faith. I will not be backed into a corner, alone, ever again!
Has this new knowledge instantly changed my every emotion connected to “The Event”? Oh, if it were only that easy, who would need a Savior? This new knowledge has, however, instantly changed how I will REACT to those emotions. YHWH’s way, or the enemy’s and my own ways?
I share this private “Event” from my own life because I see so many prayers requests on a regular basis. Reading between the lines, I see that many of you have had “An Event” in your own faith walk that has shaken you, too. Oh, it may be different than mine, but the side-effects on you and the pressure on your faith has been the same. I share because I know how hard it is to admit that we’re sliding down a slippery slope, and that we can’t see how Abba could bring good from “The Event”. That would be to admit that we don’t trust Him!
I beseech you, friends, if you are screaming on the inside
  • RUN to the throne…Yell, kick, cry, shake those fists if you have to, He already knows what you’re feeling!
  • When you’re spent, ask Him to change you, through and through. He is so faithful!
  • Next, connect with a believer or two whom you trust, and be brutally honest with them. Ask them for support in prayer and to hold you accountable as you wander through the briars on your way back to the Narrow Path. Stay connected!
Every day, life and death are set before us. Making the choice is an action, not a feeling. The “Events” and our reactions to them are  going to show us where we are truly standing, on the Solid Rock, or in Sinking Sand…

57 thoughts on “Screaming on the Inside

  1. This post could have easily been written for me, by me and about me. I find myself sliding back into this tunnel of doom. There is no specific event, there are many. Some of which I THOUGHT had been dealt with, forgiven and forgotten.

    While I know the Word, the words seem hollow – they bounce off my spirit, making no impact. I confess them, but they seem hollow, I cling to them but they escape me after a while. I repent, I cry out to God BUT STILL. I find myself not moving beyond this point. Or breaking free, but not breaking loose…so I find myself back here, after a sunday morning church high; or some time spent before the Lord during quiet time; or time spent in worship while I drive. Then “something” happens or triggers and my spirit starts deflating…and I feel like such a fraud!

    Obviously this has repercussions on my marriage, my work, my role as a mother, a friend…BUT
    Through it all, I believe in God and I believe God. He will never leave me nor forsake me and will help me through.

    Thank you for sharing!

  2. I think for me and “My Event” its the shame I feel for feeling so inadequate and yes lately at times like a fraud wondering if I really did hear my Heavenly Father calling me out to “go and tell”. Questions that will slip in my mind…… I am a seasoned Christian, aren’t I? I did hear my Heavenly Father calling “go and tell” didn’t I ? I am walking in the will of God, aren’t I? And so it goes and I remember a long time ago reading a small pamphlet from The Daily Bread Devotions entitled “Why Good Christians Doubt”. I wish I could find it again because all I remember is that it was encouraging to remind us about the fight we have between the strong desire of our spirit man to rise in power and the flesh man that has so many “why’s”. As I was feeling a little out of sorts the other day especially, it’s been like that for a few weeks now, I took my coffee outside on the deck where it was rather chilly. And I began thanking God that I could feel the cool and feel others things but that feeling was not enough for me, that my Faith was my lifeline to my doubts and then he reminded me about trust. And it is vital to me to TRUST when I cannot see or when I am simply feeling along the walk waiting on my Faith to really kick in because one thing that is my constant, JESUS, he has always come through in little ways and certainly big ways – but always in ways that I know it was him. And he will give me the encounters I need for encouragement because he knows my heart and he sees my battle and my desire to truly serve him. And the enemy of Yahweh is our enemy too indeed and he tries so hard to cut a cord of nutrient in us from our Abba Father, but I remind myself often that No WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER. I remind myself that I am indeed a child of God and that this to shall pass. I know God has good plans for me, for good and not evil and for a sound mind. So indeed I also fight at times and I am so thankful that the scripture is so very true and will prevail in us – Greater is He that is within us – than he that is in the world! Praise God that you have the strength to turn your “EVENT” into a witness that truly gives God the glory and gives you the strength. I know you have encouraged many of us, many blessings for your life.

  3. Oh, how much i relate to this… In recent days the screaming voice got louder again. Need prayer. Feel like Mary and Joseph who lost Jesus and searched desperately for Him. I know all the theory, but got tired… Hate to be lukewarm. Hate to smile only on the outside…

  4. Boy this is EXACTLY where I have been over the last year or so. And I have taken things to god and tried to pray scripture. Wow. Tyanks

  5. There are so many times I feel like I am screaming on the inside. Screaming sometimes in pain and honestly screaming inside hoping someone would see how fake my smile is….I’m such a quiet person the kind who rarely reaches out. Pray for me sisters. ..

    1. Praying for faith,
      I pray that God might greatly increase your faith and help you turn wholeheartedly to Him and find refuse and healing and hope in Him alone. Sending you a huge hug!!!

  6. Sisters,

    I count myself blessed to have y’all in my life via this blog!
    I am going through an “Event” as we write, and this post is key to how I choose to handle/deal with it.

    PraylikeHannah, I LOVE what you wrote, “Who are you going to release this to? Your Father or the enemy?”


  7. Thank you for this post. If the whole world could read this, I think there would be far fewer “Events” and a lot more willingness to do whatever it takes to strengthen precious relationships. So few people actually think about how much hurt they will cause!

    I think our heavenly father understands when we scream and don’t understand why such painful things happen to a person of faith. “Events” of this magnitude literally knock us off our foundation sometimes, in that we are in such intense pain we can’t think clearly. Imagine the pain of a thumb that has been smashed in a car door; when the pain is at its most intense it’s impossible to think or respond calmly. All we can do is scream, groan, gasp, and try to breathe until the pain lessens. Suffering from an “Event” is the emotional equivalent of smashing your thumb (or worse!) only the pain lasts much longer! Lashing out at God then is like saying, “Just get away from me”–or worse–to someone attempting to sooth us five seconds after our thumb is smashed. Every ounce of our energy at that point is needed for dealing with pain, and there is no room in our consciousness for anything else, least of all trying to be polite. Only when the pain subsides enough can we begin to think clearly, process what happened, and begin to heal. Our Father understands this and loves and carries us through the pain, then helps us heal.
    I am so sorry for what you have suffered, but am so glad you allowed God to help you grow spiritually from this. Your post was a real encouragement to me! Much love to you and all my sisters here.

  8. Andrea,

    Wow! thank you so much for sharing!

    Yes, I think we have to get to the point that we are even willing to suffer, if we know it is God’s will and that He is using it for our ultimate good and His glory. That is total surrender. I want what You want, God. No matter what the personal cost to me!

    I appreciate your willingness to share your story, I know it will bless many wives. I pray for His greatest glory in your life and marriage!

  9. Terrie,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Like the other wives who commented, this resonated with me. Some days I can truly feel God’s peace and joy, feel His everlasting arms holding me, and other days I am such a fraud — smiling and calm outside, broken and crying inside. Thank you for the reminder that choosing life is an action, not a feeling. And thank you for outlining your “plan to combat the wiles of my enemy and those of my second enemy, my own pride.” Very helpful. I copied it down to keep it handy for the days I don’t feel so strong. God bless you and all of the other wives here — I lift you all up in prayer to our loving Father.

    1. Cat, One of my most repeated prayers is that I won’t get to the Throne on judgment day and discover I was a fraud. James reminds us that we deceive ourselves if we are hearers of the Word, and not doers. To be doers of the Word, we must learn to die to self. Perhaps these “events” are teaching us to do just that! Blessings, sister

      1. Yes, Terrie, I believe you are absolutely right — our “events” are teaching us to be doers, not just hearers, of the Word. I have been a hearer of the Word for my entire life. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t a doer, always thought I was a pretty good person, but ACK… my pride! And without my “event” which started me on this journey about 6 1/2 months ago, I would still be strolling along blissfully unaware of how displeasing my life has been to God. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Blessings to you, too, my sister!

    2. Cat, I so understand what you’re saying! Some days I even think that I’m doing okay because I have God’s amazing guidance and presence in my life. I’m leaning and learning like I never imagined I would! But you know on the other days when I’m literally screaming inside, I know that I need to find a safe way to release those emotions and that it’s okay to do that. If I’m alone, I wail and cry until it’s over, if not I might write down my thoughts. I bring my emotions and pain before the Lord and ask for His help, His comfort and His wisdom. But first I experience my emotions, every one of them, because as I’m just starting to learn in my life, emotions are normal and it’s good and healthy to experience them. I never knew that before. This is one of the many things God is teaching me right now. I heard a quote on the radio today, I think from a book called ‘To Crave’, “God gave us emotions so we can experience life, not destroy it.” I really don’t think that you are a fraud on those days, you are a human experiencing life! I can see that you know what to do with those emotions, you are bringing them to your Heavenly Father and allowing Him to guide you through them. I kind of know what you mean though because really I can’t go around wailing and sharing my pain with everyone. When I go out I have to pull myself together even when I’m crying inside. But I don’t think that I’m a fraud for doing that, not everyone is safe and I need to take care of myself. If people ask I don’t pretend everything is great though. But you know I find people rarely ask and it’s easy to change the subject if they do. I have one friend that I’m able to share everything with which helps. It helps me to know that Jesus understands great pain, He understands betrayal and that even He expressed emotions, at times in the presence of others. He is the ultimate Comforter because He get’s it!!! How amazing is that! I’m praying for you and your journey! Thank you for being such an encourager on this blog!

      1. Melanie,

        Thank you so much for sharing these wise words. I am struggling to learn the same thing about emotions — that it’s normal and healthy to experience all of them. I have so long pushed away any negative emotions and shut down rather than sharing them (a huge part of what has damaged my relationship with my husband — I imagine it has felt so disrespectful to him that I seemed so unwilling to trust him). I guess I get easily overwhelmed by such emotions and end up feeling so lost. Thank you for the reassurance that I’m just a “human experiencing life” in those moments and the reminder that bringing those emotions to our Father is the only way to heal and grow through them.

        On one of those days, recently, I was reminded of the words of Isaiah 53:3 “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised, and we esteemed Him not.” The rejection and sorrow I feel is no where near that of what Jesus experienced, but it is reassuring to know that He experienced the same emotions with which I am struggling. He felt exactly as I do and can comfort me like no one else.

        I also love verse 7 “He was oppressed, and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth: He is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He openeth not His mouth.” If Christ would remain silent, fully trusting His Father even when forsaken by Him for the sake of our sins, then surely I can bring my pain to the Father and be still and wait as I trust Him to lead me through it for His glory and my good.

        Thank you for your encouragement and prayers. You are such a blessing to me, my friend, and I know to so many other wives here, too. I am praying for you, as well, and am so thankful for the loving support God has allowed me to find here.

        1. Yes Cat, that sounds so similar to my experience. I truly believe that my inability to really feel my emotions, much less express them, ended up ruining my marriage. I grew up in a great Christian home but I realize now that expressing negative emotions was not allowed. As well I grew up in the church and I just felt like as a Christian I shouldn’t be sad or angry so I just tried to block those feelings and keep going. I never took the time to analyze and understand what I was feeling and why and then give those to God. We do have such an amazing example in Jesus Christ! What an amazing gift from God that He would send His Son to earth to be a man, to experience life, the good, the bad, the painful and then death, an excruciating death that brings us freedom today!

          I’m going to mention a book on todays post that you might find helpful in this part of your journey.

          I really couldn’t have made it this far in this journey without you and the other women on here!

          1. Melanie,

            Our backgrounds and current situations sound so similar! (I see that so often here on Peacefulwife.) I grew up in a Christian family, in the church and even Christian schools. I too only realized recently that expressing negative emotions was not acceptable. Thank you for pointing me to the book recommendations in your other comment. I will look into those.

            Can I offer a book recommendation, too? “Telling Each Other the Truth” by William Backus identifies all the ways we avoid honest communication with one another and the damage it causes in our relationships. It is very straightforward and Scriptural based, particularly the exhortation in Ephesians 4:15 to “speak the truth in love” (denying my emotions is not loving, but actually hurtful to others). It outlines very practical steps to take in breaking bad communication habits and establishing new God-honoring ones.

            I am motivated to change and grow in this regard for several reasons. First, I realized that denying these emotions to myself and others was dishonest (I was so blinded I never saw it this way!) Also, I began to truly understand how hurtful it was to my husband and how damaging it was to our marriage (In the moments when my husband would be bending over backwards trying to get me to just share my heart and I was so tied up in knots inside I couldn’t get out of my own way to do it, I KNEW something was wrong with me, but I never realized what I was doing and, when the upset of the moment past — because he was always willing to forgive and move on even when I was too paralyzed to actually deal with any conflict — things just went back to the way they were, I never tried to change, I didn’t know how). Finally, I felt the great weight of responsibility in teaching and leading my children by example as they experience various emotions and learn how to express and cope with them appropriately.

            Yes, praise God for the incredible gift and example we have in Jesus! Right down to experiencing and dealing with all the messy emotions that go along with being human.

            Much love to you, my dear friend and sister! I am blessed to be journeying and praying together with you.

            1. Cat, Your response to Melanie stopped me cold mid-sip of my first cup of coffee this morning! I grew up under the spirit of alcoholism and abuse, which is the reason I was an atheist until age 40. That’s another post in itself! But your insights based on Ephesians 4 are spot-on! Not once throughout this whole “event” in my relationship have I conveyed my emotions honestly or effectively. They have seeped out in resentful and damaging ways, instead. I look forward to taking this new information to Abba in prayer, and to gleaning from the book you referenced. I have always looked at my lack of sharing my intimate feelings, the bad ones at least, as being a peacemaker, which I had to be in childhood. Now I see that it is just another area where I’m not living in truth and freedom. Thank you, sister!

              1. yoursistersojourner, I’m so glad that you’ve gained this insight for your life! I pray that God will bring healing to you in all areas of your life, including your emotions!

              2. It seems to be our human tendency to be at one extreme or the other! It’s so awesome when we can see the good that is coming from being refined! I pray that God will do the impossible in your marriage as well!

              3. Yoursistersojourner,
                This was a whole new concept to me, too — that by not sharing my emotions/thoughts/concerns (particularly the negative ones) I was actually being dishonest! And unloving! That’s a pretty shoddy kind of peace I was trying to keep. I hope that you’ll find the book helpful. I certainly did and am glad I mentioned it. I am praying for you! Love & blessings!

              4. Cat,

                It’s interesting how we can convince ourselves that our motives are righteous- but we can be blind to our own sinfulness. I’m so glad that you are learning to listen to your heart and feelings, not that they are the most important thing, but it is important to be authentic and honest – yet at the same time kind and loving. We do tend to go too far one way or the other – not enough talking or way too much talking! Either extreme is sinful and destructive.

                Much love to you!

              5. Cat,
                I was so excited when I found out there was SOMETHING I could control!!!!!! ME! And I also get to control how much of God’s Spirit I allow into my life. So – I ask God to let me have the faucet WIDE OPEN! I want the Holy Spirit coming FULL BLAST into my life!

                It is very freeing when we stop trying to control things we can’t control – others and God – and focus on what we are actually responsible for.

                Much love!

            2. Cat, that books sounds perfect! Thank you for suggesting it, I think it will really help me, in all of my relationships. I’m at the point with my mom and sister where I’m just tired of us all being so fake with each other. I’ve tried to express a bit of my sadness but just didn’t feel like they got it. I think my whole family probably needs to read that book.

              My husband has always feared conflict so whenever it would arise he would be very quick to apologize afterwards. So many times it should have been me, but it always took me a VERY long time to apologize. So basically we never got to the root of any problems and I never had to change either! Now my husband calls me an ‘apology machine’! I think he’s pretty thrown by it. Now I’m very quick to apologize if I recognize that I’ve sinned against him in any way. If I ask him for his forgiveness he gives it but I don’t really feel like his heart is in it. It feels like he can forgive me easily because in his mind he’s already written me off so he doesn’t really care what I do or don’t do. He recently told me in a conversation about people in our lives that he wishes that they would all just leave him alone and that he wants people to stop caring about him. He didn’t say it but I’m pretty sure he meant me as well. This is the man that has expressed that he is angry at God for pursuing him… Right now you can’t see it in my husband but he truly is a man after God’s own heart. Oh how God grieves for him and their severed relationship. I know God’s pain is greater than mine because His love is greater.

              I’ve been feeling the same way about wanting to teach my children about emotions, that they are okay. I want to teach them to identify their emotions, then ask themselves why they’re feeling that way and then decide what they can do about it. I’ve posted a list of ‘soul words’ on my fridge that lists emotions, so that we can look at it together and pinpoint what’s going on. We’ve just started this recently. Before when my kids were upset or crying I would just tell them to go to their room until they were ‘done’! Yikes, I was going to turn my kids into emotionally unhealthy people who run from emotions. just. like. me.!

              1. Glad to suggest the book, Melanie, and I hope that you will find it helpful. I sure did! And I agree — so many of us could benefit from the lessons in it. It would be really awesome to be able to work together with one’s spouse to learn to speak the truth in love to one another, but the author does point out that, since we cannot change others, even just focusing on ourselves and learning to speak the truth in love on our own we will notice improvements in our relationships.

                I hope it will be helpful for all your family relationships, too. I’ve been apply what I learned to my communication with my parents, as well. Praise God my parents are believers and very gracious about the concerns I have approached them about (issues to do with “leaving and cleaving” which I now realize I never fully did).

                “Apology machine”, eh? 🙂 While my husband hasn’t labeled me as such, I’m sure he’d agree. I feel like I’m constantly telling him I’m sorry. He doesn’t accept my apologies, though, and he’s told me to stop, he’s sick of hearing it. So I’m trying to be careful and come up with other ways to acknowledge my role in situations where I wrong him. Our husbands sound like they are both in the same broken place. It is so heartbreaking to see how much pain he is in. Thank you for the reminder that it hurts our Father’s heart even more because He loves him even more than I ever could.

                Wonderful idea to work on “soul words” with your kids! Yes, it scary to think that the unhealthy boundaries and bad emotional habits I’ve developed could so easily be passed on to my children! I need to be so cautious and prayerful in order to “nurture them in the discipline and teaching that come from the Lord” (Eph 6:4) and not that which comes from sin and fear and pride.

  10. This was timely! I had another of many such ‘events’ this morning, when things were going so well 🙁 I needed to read a post like this. Thank you x

    1. Just this morning, JUR? You must still be numb and reeling! Hold on, sister, decide to stand through this, even though it feels like you can’t. Our Heavenly Father has you in His hand, even if it feels like you’re grasping at air trying to hold His. Until you can begin thinking clearly and moving forward, hold on to that knowledge with all you’ve got.

  11. Sisters, your comments stir my spirit and my heart! I type through tears knowing I’m not suffering this human condition alone, without support, encouragement and love. Our adversary has a big fat bull’s eye on marriage! After our covenant with our Heavenly Father, marriage is our biggest covenant relationship, we cannot allow him to take a stronghold! For those of you who had an event in their own relationship, I’m curious as to how much time has passed since the ground shook. I am between three and four months, and already I have seen so many changes in my perception since the truth came out. Again, thank you all for the kind words, I could see your lovely spirits shining through them!

    1. I am sooooo happy I found u all.I have a lot to share but I just want to thank God for you all. I was screaming inside alone in my room as my husband and I don’t sleep in the same room …I am an immigrant too so I am soooo lonely being with him in this country I found u when I was asking God for any Christian chat ,,I want to ask you to Pray for me and I really need your company ….

      1. Graceful,
        You are most welcome here! You may share anything you like. It’s wonderful to meet you! I pray for God to do a great work in your heart. 🙂

    2. Thank you for this post, and how honest it is. I can relate to the feeling of helplessness and desperation.. and so few people in my life knew about it!!!

      My event—finding out about my husband’s infidelity– happened a little more than a year ago. WOW how things have CHANGED since then!! We are both brand new people thanks to the saving grace of the LORD! I thank God that in his infinite wisdom and mercy allowed this to happen to reveal MY hardness of heart and awful sin!!

      I still struggle some days to let go, but recently I read the story of Jesus healing the crippled man by the pool. Jesus asked the man “Do you want to be well??” Wow!! That jumped out from the page at me!! I am so tempted to feel sorry for myself and hold on to my hurts, but Jesus can’t do His healing work unless I truly want to be well! So that’s what I’m working on right now!! 🙂

      God bless!!

  12. “The event”, that cursed event. I am no stranger to the event. I am thankful that I gave my struggles to God in my crisis. We all encounter “events” and crisises. That is this world. I pray that each woman here would reach out to make Christ their number one and to surround themselves with godly sisters when we are feeling ourselves slipping away from that narrow path. Thank you Terrie for sharing your story.

    1. Lively Writer, I pray God washes over you like a wave, filling you with His peace and love. Even if you feel like you can’t grab ahold of Him today, believe that He is holding you! He is the ONLY thing that will bring you through this even better than you began. Hard to believe, I know, while the flames of the furnace are still nipping at you…but He is so much bigger than anything that comes your way!

  13. Livelywriter,

    Well, vasectomies weren’t an option in biblical times!

    But – here is my suggestion.

    Pray. But ask God to refine your motives. Ask God for His will. Ask God for His glory in your life.

    You don’t have to give consent. You can say, “That makes me sad.” Or, if your husband knows very well that you are against a vasectomy, it may be wise not to say anything when he says he plans to get a vasectomy.

    Our God is able to change your husband’s heart. Our God is able to lead you through this man. I pray you will focus on your part, becoming the godly wife God desires you to be. That is more important than having another baby. I pray you will seek to find all of your contentment in Christ no matter what your husband does or does not do. I pray for God to radically change you and to use you to bless your husband and to accomplish His purposes here on earth.

    Sending you a huge hug my precious sister!

  14. I wanted every one of you to know that I have gone through these comments and prayed for each of you. I gave thanks for those who’ve shared their wisdom, and pleaded for those of you who are pinned against the wall by our enemy today. All hands up in praise that God has not left us alone in our struggle, but provided sisters to uplift, encourage and educate us! HalleluYah, He is so good!

  15. I seriously cannot thank you enough for opening this website and sharing God’s loving Word and showing us His way.

    I am grieving…and that is okay. The pain is preparing me for something greater than my desires. A tough pill to swallow and it still catches in my throat a little.

    Whenever I found out I was pregnant at 19, I felt so alone and had to search my soul for the answer. Sin surrounded me, yet My Father gave me the Grace to move forward with conviction.

    How beautiful that scary time was, I knew I was on the path He intended during that time…I had such peace. Then, I lost my way. For a very long time longing for a companion, a husband was my idol, when I finally let that go, He blessed me with my husband.

    What is different this time, is that I KNOW (because of your ministry) that He is turning my face toward Him now. It is scary and also thrilling. It feels like my naive faith is maturing.

    Your ministry spoke to me in a way I could finally understand what God asks of each and every one of us. Give Him 100% trust and control…there is no middle ground. Anything less and we risk our own destruction of His gifts. Years of church going could not open my eyes like they’ve been opened here. We are all blessed by your heeding His call to share.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart, April.

    Your friend in and through Christ,


    1. Livelywriter,

      This is the stuff I WISH I had understood and learned in church – but I didn’t get it. It is exactly what Jesus asks of all who follow Him – taking up our cross, dying to self, losing our life so we can find it, living in obedience to Him to show Him our love, repenting of sin, abiding in Christ, being filled with His Spirit, tearing out all the idols…

      Yes – He deserves 100% of our trust and submission. He will take nothing less.

      I am so glad that God is using this blog to bless you and deepen your walk with Christ. That is a HUGE answer to my prayers! 🙂 You are a blessing! Thank you for walking this road with us!

      Much love my precious sister,

  16. I love how you emphasize the CHOICE involved! I am finishing a week long series at on “How to Speak LOVE into your Marriage.” It’s about being intentional about what you say to your spouse, including a number of experiements!

  17. Thank you Cat and Yoursistersojourner!!!

    Here is yoursistersojourner’s follow up on this post, by the way!

    I hope to share it on my FB page soon, as well!

  18. Yoursistersojourner,

    SO TRUE! I agree completely. That is so important for us to understand at the beginning of this journey. Thank you for encouraging our precious sister!

  19. Wow! Sorry but i am a MALE but I truly can empathize with this post. Thank you Sis Andrea. you sound like my wife -but I do hope my wife can see herself instead of blaming it on others. there is a HUGE amount of pride and lies to protect herself. My heart has been used like a yo-yo. each time it goes down it crashes and shatters into a million pieces. I am hurt AND numb. Only God has kept me from wanting to just throw in the towel. I do hope many more saints (female AND male) will admit that the old man is still there and that we should all surrender EVERYTHING and TELL EVERYTHING to God. He loves us more than we love ourselves. The perfect one gave us HIMSELF and even gave us HIMSELF in the form of the Holy Spirit to help us expand HIS kingdom and to make it home. These excruciating testimonies are sorely needed in the body of Christ to shame the enemy and to glorify Abba. Wow! We can call the GREAT I AM , abba. So mindblowing. May God be glorified in the lives of His children.

    1. Thank you for chiming in, CrushedMale! I agree, The Body of Messiah needs to start sharing the struggles on this Narrow Path and the testimony of how faithful Abba is through them! Blessings to you. Your Sister Sojourner, Terrie C

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