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Two Wives Share About Their Journey

 

We the family

Vinodhini and her family

We all deal with temptation from the enemy and from our own sinful nature. Whatever the source of the accusing voice you hear against your husband – we must die to ourselves, our sin and resist the temptations of the enemy and submit to God! Here are two wives’ stories.

FROM VINODHINI:

A few things in order which I did to shut those accusing voices against my husband

1) Since Feb 2013 I was in the process of identifying my sins (Idolatry, pride, self righteous, identifying myself as the spiritual leader etc) Though I confessed them, though I started practicing to control my anger, my tone and the voices in my head I failed miserably and my husband was ready for separation.

2) My husband asked me to change myself before I destroy relationships. He CAUTIONED me. He told me clearly that I should change while I always felt HE should change.

3) I was not convinced about my need for change, but since he kept himself away from me I started missing him. That’s when I began to think how can I bring back life into marriage.

4) One day while doing a simple google search I found April’s blog in Jan 2014 and the post was something like number of things wives do to make their husbands go away. That struck the chord… I REALIZED I WAS doing just that.  I almost spent close to 20 hours in two days to read popular posts in this blog.

5) I wrote my story and the mess I was in to April and the QUESTIONS she asked me made the difference to me!!!!!

6) I had a clear understanding about my IDOLS, the IDOL was my HUSBAND AND MYSELF. I wanted things my way, keeping ME above everything else. I had to purge my thoughts and my actions.  It was hard… It wasn’t easy but soon I felt lighter.

7) The most important question which made THE difference in my life was – WHAT IS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST???

Ahhh… this was my Ahhaaaa moment!!!… Where was Christ in my life, If I had Christ in His rightful place… If my relationship with him would be right… Everything will be right!

My eyes were now open to see my HUSBAND as my HEAD appointed by Christ… And I began to see him as a co runner in this race of life… And I understood my role as his HELPER.. I understood that he is weak, sinful and needs CHRIST… But I was doing everything wrong by CRIBBING, DISRESPECTING, SHOUTING, LISTENING TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD, SATISFYING MY DIRTY FLESH etc… And I was not being the HELPER God wants me to me… I started giving CHRIST the rightful place… Everything is not ALRIGHT now..

  • My husband still is the same… He does what he used to do before.. BUT I no longer REACT to his actions I still hear voices accusing him in my head… But the moment I hear them, I say,  “Jesus, can You see what’s happening? Did you see how my husband hurt me?? But I submit to You.” And when I go to him I find PEACE!!!!

8) Now I know how SIGNIFICANT GOD is and how INSIGNIFICANT I am… I’m far from being perfect, my storms in life have not reduced, I have too many problems to handle.

I am WEAK, but HIS GRACE is truly SUFFICIENT in everything!!!!!

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Dong and Nikka

FROM NIKKA:

When I repented for my sins and when God opened up my spiritual eyes, I was at my most “broken in spirit” state. Everything I was holding on to seemed shattered — my religion/faith, my career, my relationships with my immediate family, my relationship with my husband… We were also at a point in our lives when we were selling my parents’ ancestral home, etc. So, everything that brought me a sense of security, of comfort, of familiarity was removed from me… and I was left “naked” and “helpless” before God.

It was in this state of brokenness that the Lord found the perfect opportunity to call me by name again. I was very poor in spirit. I answered Him and He convicted me of my sins.

They were so many!!! I was stunned. I couldn’t speak for days.

Then, I repented. Then, I offered my life and submitted to Jesus. Then, I submitted to my husband Dong. By then I was just so tired of leading, of living in fear of the future, of “controlling” our lives…

Two weeks after that, I found your blog.

I perused the top posts again and again. I printed them out, read them over and over… highlighted important points and read my Bible. Before that, I was scared to open up the pages of the Holy Book feeling that I could never interpret the verses correctly and I might be misled… but the way you shared about your life and quoted Scripture made me believe that I should stop the fear of reading the Bible and just do it. I felt that if you can put into practical application what you read in it, I could do that too!

That started my love for the Holy Book. I now spend hours devouring every word, and understanding the wisdom embedded in them!!! I am so thirsty for God’s Word and the more I read, the more I learn about myself, my God and my faith. The more I learn about God, the more I find get to know myself and my relation to God. — that is,

  • I am NOTHING and yet He considers me to be His Child.
  • I am NOTHING and yet, Jesus died for ME!

All along, my notion of God was fitted according to how I thought Him to be, and not Who He really was — which was that He was sovereign and in control. I was not, even with my best efforts.

What took you a good two years or more to learn Biblical submission, took me only less than two months to “learn.” So much so that just a few short weeks of practicing it in real life, my husband already asked that I blog it for Filipinas and non-Filipinas all over the world because he felt that godly advice on marriage is much needed in this day and age.

Thank you for connecting the dots for us, April. I know that without your blog and without your transparency, honesty and loving leadership to us women, the path would have been more difficult. I praise God for what He has done through you and through your ministry. :) I praise God for the community of women here who regardless of denomination bond together because of our common love for God.

NIKKA’S RESPONSE TO A FRUSTRATED WIFE:

I feel that the Lord is about to make a breakthrough in your life!!! I am hopeful for you, sister in Christ! Though you claim to have ‘blinders” on when you are overcome with the unbridled desire to rant at your husband or to tell him off on what he is doing wrong, the mere fact that you can acknowledge that:

1) You have a problem.
2) The problem is you cannot stop yourself from telling him what he needs to do or not do, etc… and
3) You are giving in to the voices in your head and to your sinful flesh

– are already signs that you are not as spiritually blind as you think you are. :) That is wisdom right there. The ability to know that something is not right. Knowing it though is one thing, being able to do something about it is another.

I can sense that you are trapped. You are in deep spiritual bondage, and long to be freed from the vicious cycle of wanting to point out your husband’s flaws when you so desire to just respect him and keep silent. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Prayer, my dear sister. Lots of heartfelt, humble prayers to our loving God.

That and a repentant heart. Psalm 51:17 “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

As a challenge, can you just for the day, just keep still? Do not judge him. Do not say anything bad to him. Do not even allow yourself to think badly of him. Today, focus only on his good points. Resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises and your demons start their maniacal accusations against him again, hush them up by holding your tongue so as not to give them power or say something you might regret. And while you are doing this, keep in mind the verses …

  • Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” —Ephesians 4:2
  • Proverbs 10:19 “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

I shared with you these verses because you cannot just STOP and have a void. You have to STOP and redirect your thoughts to God’s Word so your mind and your tongue can be bridled. :)

This is a daily journey. All you need to do is take baby steps. Be patient with yourself too while at it. Nobody masters this! Not April, not me, not anybody among us.. We fail but we rise up again. We sin, but we repent and move on. The important thing is you do not remain fallen. Just stand up and do your best again.

You can do everything through Christ Who strengthens you!!! :)

God is so good. :)

Love,

Nikka

41 thoughts on “Two Wives Share About Their Journey

  1. Kelly,

    Most of us share a lot of similarities… And the best we’re on the right path and we can understand each other better because our goal is the same – its ONLY JESUS!! 🙂

    April,

    Thank you April, I’m excited to be a testimony on this blog… I came here in a mess but God turned it into a message!! Praise God!

    Nikka,

    I figured that we have a lot in common 🙂

    Have a rocking weekend people!!!

    Love you all Peacefulwife’s
    Vinodhini

    1. Vinodhini,
      I am VERY excited to get to share your testimony! And your beautiful pics. Can’t wait to share more from you about all that God is doing in your heart. You are a treasure.

      Much love!!!

    2. Nikka,

      Your words and testimony are always a blessing! Thank you for speaking the truth boldly!

      Vinodhini,

      It is a blessing to get to know you and see the amazing work that God is doing in your heart and life! As another wife said, you sound like a completely different person from not that long ago when you were commenting on your tooth and all the struggles in your life. Now you are overflowing with praise and love for our Lord Jesus! What a beautiful work He is doing in you as you seek and trust Him alone, above all else! I am so excited and inspired to see what is happening in your life! I hope you will keep us posted so we can continue to learn from and pray for you. I particularly liked your recent comment about trying to do the right thing for Jesus and not to be seen as an “angel” by others. How right you are that motives are tricky, impossible for us to control, only through prayer and constantly being in God’s Word and depending fully on Him can HE keep our motives pure. We are completely helpless in this area by ourselves. This is such a difficult area for me, too. Thank you for your honesty.

      Much love to both of you my dear sisters! xox

      1. Dear Cat,

        Im liking the fact that my change is visible 🙂 I’ve asked April in one of my mails.. I’m really scared if I will fall back but her answer was.. I need to trust in God and not my capability… 🙂 And I remember this analogy used by Pastor Paul Washer – suppose if we are hit by a large truck… Will we remain the same? We will not.. If we then come in contact with our God the creator of everything, who is beyond our comprehension.. Who is larger than anything we can think, powerful than anything else how will be same again??… I think thats the power of transformation… I’ve understood that Im really really insignificant thats where my change flowed from…

        And we are all the same:)

        Love
        Vinodhini

        1. Hey Vinodhini, and Nikia I was blessed by you and Nikia’s kind words, they are encouraging. I listen to Paul Washer as well, he is definitely a man of fervency in the Lord. I’m happy about what God is doing, in you all’s lives, its encouraging, I love being on this journey with you all.

        2. That’s a very clear analogy to keep in mind! Any that will help me keep my insignificance and God’s sovereignty in perspective is helpful. Thank you!

          1. Before my marriage I was a very legalistic Christian.. I mean regular to church and church activities and I never thought I had any sin in me. And there is nothing for God to transform me so drastically.. And when I heard of testimony’s where people encountered JESUS and suddenly took a U turn I never could comprehend!

            But April, helped me see the huge mountain of sin!!! Ohhhhh I definitely got to understand my insignificance and God’s sovereignty… But our flesh is nasty… It kinds of shows its ugly head now and then… But as along as we are rooted in Christ we will overcome!!!

            Love
            Vinodhini

          2. Vinodhini,

            I can so relate to your description of being a legalistic Christian. I grew up in a family and church like that and took on that persona myself. And just as you described, I could never relate to those whose lives were drastically changed by Jesus because I’ve always been a “good” person and didn’t have that much sin to confess or be saved from (Ha!). Someone once told me that my life was a testimony to God’s faithfulness to families, from generation to generation, when they are faithful to Him. I guess that’s one way to look at it, but I know that going to church (and looking down on others who don’t live the same way) is not what God commands or desires of us. No wonder it was easy to put my faith on the back burner when I moved away from home. It wasn’t rooted in Christ and His saving grace, but in my own pride that I was a good person. Self-reliance doesn’t get one very far when one’s world comes crashing down. I am so thankful for God’s unfailing love and mercy! I pray continually that He will help me to really see and understand how sinful I am, that He will save me from being so blinded by my pride because you are right — it’s ugly head rears itself at every opportunity. Only by staying grounded in His Word am I prevented by falling on my face over and over. “In Your Light, we see Light” (Psalm 36:9b)

          3. Ahhh.. so much similarity:).. Hugs dear Cat:)

            I’m reminded of this song when I read your post – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f60gaoZ10aY&feature=kp

            Lyrics are beautiful!

            A thousand voices
            A thousand lives
            A thousand prayers rise in the night
            What is it we seek?
            So many stories
            Lord, I hear
            And all these questions in my ear
            Can we come out clean?

            Different faces
            Different fears
            Different failures lead us here
            Show us how
            We’re all the same
            Desperate for a change
            We’re all the same
            We need your love
            We need your love

            We take our secrets
            To the grave
            Spend our lives out in the shame
            Afraid to show our needs
            But as we run our hands
            Along these scars
            May they tell us who we are
            We are the redeemed

            So if we’re casting stones
            If we’ve forgotten what we know
            That we don’t walk alone in this life
            Let your love
            Get inside our bones
            Lay it deep within us, grow
            May we bring in the ones left outside

            ‘Cause we’re all the same
            All desperate for a change
            We’re all the same
            We need your love
            We’re all the same
            With hands held out for grace
            We’re all the same
            We need your love
            We need your love

            I need your love

          4. Thank you for sharing that beautiful song, Vinodhini. Hugs to you, too, my precious sister! 🙂

  2. Kelly,
    I’m so amazed at the incredible group of women God has brought together and the way He is working in everyone and using each wife to build up and bless the others. I just have to praise God for this incredible blessing!!! 🙂

    Thank you for sharing! 🙂

  3. Hi Vin! Hi Kelly! Hi April! Hi Peaceful wives all over the world!!!

    Whether it be in India or in the Philippines or in the U.S. or wherever, we women are bound together because of our fallen Mother, Eve. We all are sinful, and most of us want to “rule over our men”. Now, after the Lord has convicted us, we are now bound together not by sin, but by our common love for God!

    I need all of you, sisters, as I tread this path.

    We seem many but we are actually few. The world thinks what we are doing is weird or funny or crazy! But, with all of you, I feel safe. We understand each other. We comfort each other. We support each other. 🙂

    I am so blessed to have many peaceful friends from all over the world!!!! 🙂

    My cup runneth over. I feel so much love.

    I love all of you. 😀 Mwah!

    In Christ, your sister from Manila,

    Nikka

    1. Nikka,

      I was thinking this morning about the beautiful sisters in Christ God has blessed me with all over the world. Makes me cry happy tears of joy just thinking about it. Who would ever have thought that God would bring us together like this and bring such love, support, encouragement, unity and power through His Spirit to women who have never met. Yet, we are more strongly connected than biological sisters, in my view!

      God is truly answering my prayers to raise up women all over the world to become a godly generation. He is answering my prayers for Him to move across His people in a powerful and mighty way to bring a new Great Awakening in our day. And He is answering my prayers for us to cast off the lies of this world and to build our lives and marriages on Christ and to leave a godly legacy for those who come behind us.

      I am in complete and total awe.

      I used to dream of being a foreign missionary when I was a girl. When we got married, I thought Greg was keeping me from doing all that God wanted me to do. Ha! Of course, back then, there was no internet even. And now, God uses me to reach women around the world from my living room.

      We serve a powerful, loving, sovereign, mighty, indescribable, majestic, omniscient, holy, loving, gracious, ABLE God.

      I cannot wait to hug each of you one day – whether here on this earth or in heaven! What a wonderful time we will share!

      1. April,

        This ministry of yours had spread far and wide — farther and faster than any actual visiting of foreign land. The internet is a scary tool that is being used for evil by some, but it also is a wonderful tool to connect all of us without leaving our countries or our houses, even! It is a tool for blessing each other, regardless of nationality, race or color.

        I am so happy too about what God has done for all of us, April. Truly, your site has become a haven for most of us. My day is not complete without reading your posts because it always enlightens and strengthens what I already know and believe in.

        Thank you, April. 🙂

        God bless you more!

      2. That is such a beautiful comment, April. God is truly at work here. What an amazing thing it is to witness it.

        I am so thankful for His inspiration for you to share and teach other wives why we are failing despite working so hard to “make” our marriages happy and fulfilling. No one ever explained to me how to be a Godly wife, though I desired to be one. I was clueless.

        I feel like a different person than I did earlier this week when I found this blog. I am convinced that He led me here like a sheep to water, so that His overflowing goodness could wash over me and clear my world-weary eyes. I have a true thirst and yearning for Christ as I have never had before.

        He has blessed you with the gift of presenting His Word in a way that can be heard by our souls and not just our ears/eyes. Thank you for honoring that gift by creating this blog. 😊😊

  4. Very good post! My tongue has gotten me in trouble many times shooting off at my husband. Even now at times like last night I’d get mean thoughts toward my husband, just as the enemy wants me to speak out loud to him but instead I silence my tongue to not tear him down, I’ve done enough of that over the years!! If anything I see that I need to bridle my tongue, bless and curse not.
    Y’all have a great weekend!
    With Love,
    Amy

  5. Thank you ladies for sharing your experience, strength and hope in God. For years I have bitten my tongue so as to not speak those damning words to my husband, but the voice of the lying liar who lies would just get noisier inside my head and put another layer of hardness on my heart and sickness in my soul. Today I try to do what Nikka wrote above:

    You have to STOP and redirect your thoughts to God’s Word so your mind and your tongue can be bridled.

    As soon as I recognize that negative thought, I turn to God, acknowledge that it is not of Him, ask His forgiveness, then praise and thank Him for his mercies and goodness. It does take practice, but this discipline is beginning to help my mind be conformed — and it causes my demon to shake in his boots!

    1. Marcia,

      YES! Just trying not to say those things isn’t enough. Even just thinking them is sin. God wants to completely transform our minds as we learn to take each thought captive. PRAISE GOD He is able to give us victory over the enemy and over our sin.

      Thanks so much for sharing!

  6. Self-control is something God has REALLY been dealing with me on. I, too, have those thoughts and hear those voices…..always accusing my husband of wrong. I have to stop and force myself to recognize that I have no “proof” that the thoughts/voices have any basis in truth. They are usually one POSSIBLE explanation for his actions and are ALWAYS the worst case scenario. Sometimes I have to leave the room and pray….or call a friend to pray with me….but God gets me through the anxiety and allows me to fight the lies with His truth. He has even, in some cases, given me the gift of extending grace to my hisband even IF it were my worst case scenario. Let me tell you, that is ALL God! 🙂

    I want to throw this out there, in case anyone is considering a fast. God told me to give up wine/alcohol for 40 days. I had been resisting because I work in a very social atmosphere and drinking is the expected social norm, but I finally dove in and started doing it. There have been situations that have been tough, but God reminds me that this is all about my obedience to Him, so I do it for Him and give it to Him. He has blessed me so much by speaking to me like never before. I have never heard His voice so clearly as I have during this fast. He has been calling me to give up ALL sorts of things and has been blessing me as I do. Interestingly enough, my husband has been wanting me to give up alcohol for a long time, as even one glass of wine causes the thoughts to go from my head out of my mouth, with nothing to stop or slow them. I have said some VERY hurtful things after a glass of wine. So, I can tell that he respects me more for doing this and he hasn’t even had alcohol in front of me for nearly two weeks. Just yesterday, God told me to give up some freelance work that I have been clinging to, because of fear of finances, but He assured me that He will provide, so I have peace about it. 25 days left in my fast and I can’t wait to see what else he will do!

  7. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 I love hearing what God is doing in your lives because it is a tangible reminder that He is at work, doing what He said He would do in His Word.

  8. Can someone help me here. Me and my DH are separated, he does not live here. We have had a horrible relationship. He tends to move out back and forth a ton. Never have felt “married”. Drinks a lot. Friends alot. Basically acts single. Yes I have my own issues, all mine are more with regards to my tongue. I dont have addictions or sneaky behavior or act single. I asked God recently what the problem was, was it me, him or both of us. I immediately took a look at my own idols, which would be my relationship, my husband, and our problems. I repented and am working on these things and my tongue and having a quiet spirit I once had before my DH. My DH was going to move back home “soon”. no official date but not right this second. As soon as this all happened with me and I asked the Lord that, things started to be revealed to me all at once it seemed. I found he was looking at a porn site on my computer one time, (dont think he is addicted but know he has no issue with looking at it), his drinking was taking place, he would make semi-rude comments to me, etc. This whole time I remained calm, spoke about these things respectfully, etc. Even when he was having his drinks the one day, i didnt say a word. Told myself I am not responsible for him, he is a grown adult and its not my sin. Things just kept coming though. Id ask him questions in a convo and he gets very defensive if he doesnt have answers. (normal everyday convo). Calls me a detective, makes fun, etc. I feel its very rude and degrading. I feel belittled. I let it go and remained calm and respectful. Then the last straw was he calls me after work to tell me he will be going to his friends the rest of the afternoon/evening and will not be seeing me or his children that day. I asked a question about it and his response was very rudely, “is there a problem?” I felt so belittled and degraded. I asked if he could take the baby with him and he said no b/c he wanted to drink. I was left to do the household tasks, shopping, cleaning, etc. and he knew it. I stopped him there and said its best we act separated and not like we are “dating” and he come to get the baby when he can to see him (my older daughter is not his) and we keep it strictly about the baby. He got mad, yelled at me, and i even said i was not discussing /arguing. he continued and was very angry defensive and said fine and hung up on me. havent heard from him since.
    NOW- when you are trying to bite your tongue, be more quiet spirited, and respectful and you are feeling almost abused, and degraded and belittled by how he is speaking to you and the things he is doing- when do you draw the line b/c surely the Lord would not want me being emotionally abused or spoken to like im a piece of trash. Id love to continue on my respect journey with him but I cant lose myself in the process and be belittled and feel like I cant make a convo with him b/c im “asking too many questions” or basically told he will do this and if I dont like it too bad. isnt that abusive?

    1. Lotus,

      It is great to meet you! I’m so sorry things are very difficult right now. 🙁

      Sin is always abusive – whether it is our own bitterness, unforgiveness, disrespect, hatred, judgment, jealousy, pride, self-righteousness, idolatry, stealing, lust, etc… Sin hurts people. It hurts God. It hurts the sinner, too.

      I don’t like to throw around the word “abuse” a lot unless there are extremes going on. I think it can be damaging to label our husbands as “abusive” especially when we have also been sinning a lot against them – and they could just as easily label us as “abusive.”

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your primary purpose and goal in life?

      What is your primary purpose and goal in your marriage?

      If you haven’t, please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect, spiritual authority and biblical submission. And, you may want to search “Stages of This Journey.”

      There are many posts that I believe will help you and bless you here.

      How long have you been working on respect and becoming a godly wife?

      What does your husband say he wants in the marriage?

      Much love!

  9. I seem to have a hard time staying on track lately. I do great for a while and then my husband does something I don’t like and I go right back to my old ways for a 1/2 to full day. Once it hits me what I am doing I feel so much remorse! I feel like I will never get this! I beat myself up for not being able to remember not to react wrongly! While talking to God about it, I decided to make myself a reminder using the rainbow (God’s promise). For seven days I am going to wear a yarn string around my wrist from one color of the rainbow starting with purple. Once I stay on track for seven days, I will change to the next color. So if it takes me 14 days to have 7 good days only then will I change. I am hoping that with the reminder I will daily choose to be soft spoken, smile and not react in sinful ways.

    1. Daisymae,

      Sometimes tangible reminders can be helpful! I wore a rubber band on my wrist and snapped it on my wrist as soon as I thought or was about to say something disrespectful, argumentative or complaining.

      That is a neat idea!

      praying for you to have plenty of time with God and to abide in Him and be full of His power. He is able to give us the strength to be the godly women He commands us to be. 🙂

      Much love!

  10. thank you April. I am the person who wrote a couple weeks ago on your other blog, has this journey gotten any easier for me, under the name Shana. I just used my email name this time. After that frustration I really decided to give it a go and that was for the whole last week- that is what led to this post on this blog lol. And you recommended your blog “the frustrating quiet phase” on the other blog you answered me on. I just read it. Thats exactly what I was tryign to articulate in the post i wrote above. I finally made a decision and was being respectful no matter, and realized he is not mine to control and I am not responsible for his sin. so much freedom at first! until more days went by and everyday i was biting my tongue multiple times, over nasty things and even just normal sarcastic stuff id normally say that wasnt too bad. I got to the point I felt I had no voice- b/c I realized once i stopped trying to control him and once i bit my tongue on anything mean, nasty, etc., I wasnt speaking nearly as much! its a good thing. I can wake up and see literally how bad it was but also with having more of a quiet spirit and not going crazy everytime something didnt go my way, it was starting to make me feel like an “abused wife” or someone real quiet who cant say anything. I felt taken advantage of by him. which im sure he wasnt doing. Logically I knew in my head last week if I had just say “ok go watch your basketball game with your firend, have a good time, bye” I KNOW logically that was the right thing to do- I know after doing that a few times my husband probably wouldnt even go anymore that much OR he would at least approach me a bit nicer about it. I asked him why he approached me so rudely last week about that and he said b/c he knows anytime he wants to do ANYthing I have a issue with it or find one and he came full force just wanting to put his foot down. WOW ok. lol How do you get thru the beginning when you used to say so much negative nasty stuff and control so much, that now you are so quiet the devil makes you feel taken advantage of almost. this is so terrible, that I am so bad at the mouth with things and try to control things so much that when I dont i feel as if it is wrong and abnormal. what an eye opener! I notice i speak a lot to other people too including family, about marital issues and personal things that do not need to be said whatsoever. I have no filter anymore! Its really bad. its SO hard to get through this.

    1. Lotus,

      Yep. That is how the beginning of this journey is. Check out Nina Roesner’s description of how this journey often goes.

      The first part is that we become quiet so that we don’t use our words to bring “death.” We have to stop the sin first.

      We do give up the power of our sinful nature to destroy our marriage and our husband. That feels like giving up our voice at first.

      But then, we take on the power of Christ and His Spirit and we begin to learn how to operate in His strength to begin to give life, encouragement, honor, respect, blessing and strength to our husbands.

      The silence comes first. We learn the beginning of wisdom by stopping the sinful stuff. But it doesn’t stop there. THANKFULLY! We don’t just hold back an ocean of all of our negative emotions forever. God removes our sin. We die to our old sinful self. IT HURTS! Then we put on our new self in Christ and begin to live for Him.

      Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy. He WILL ATTACK YOU right now, because he wants to steal, kill and destroy your life, your marriage, your joy in Christ…

      Yes, you will probably have to repent to everyone in your life. I sure did! I was a wretched sinner towards everyone, not just my husband.

      The ONLY way you can do this is in God’s power.

      How is your time with God going?

      Much love!

  11. I’m beginning to realize just how much pride I still have to overcome.

    My husband and I have only been married for a few months, but two weeks after our wedding, his company was bought out, a new manager was brought in who is incredibly demeaning to everyone and actually makes work less efficient, they’ve asked my husband to relocate a few hours away which he doesn’t want to do, there are some issues with his adult children, some legal issues we’re trying to sort through on completely unrelated subjects, and my husband is just under a tremendous amount of stress. Plus factor in dealing with my daughter’s father, which is typically a fairly cordial relationship, but it’s still added stress. I used to feel like this respect thing was so easy. HE made it SO easy to respect him! Now, with all of this stress, I’m learning that I’ve made him an idol. If he is very preoccupied with work and other things, and doesn’t kiss me as often or hold my hand, I start to feel disconnected, because he’s always been VERY affectionate.

    When we were in the middle of a very deep conversation, I expressed a sadness that he wasn’t quite as physically affectionate that way lately. I said it just that one time, and that I know it’s because he’s under so much stress, and I never brought it up again. But since then, he’s brought it up several times, saying that I’m never happy and how he’s not enough for me. Despite the fact that I write him love notes almost every other day, or at least a few times a week, I thank him every day for things that he does, I keep a journal where I record things to thank him for that I’ll give him next year (a year of thanks). It makes me wonder if I should not share my heart with him anymore, or at least not now while he’s under this much stress. But if this stress lasts for many more months, or years, should I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself? It seems that rather than understand my heart, rather than come up with a solution where we can work together to improve, he’s just simply not enough for me and that’s all there is to it.

    It’s to the point where I am almost hesitant to be intimate, because he’s so stressed, exhausted, and worn out that he will sometimes fall asleep, and if I suggest that we go to bed, he gets angry with me for indicating that he’s not enough. I don’t want to be intimate if it’s going to end with him being angry with me. I’ve asked him in calm moments how I should handle it so that he doesn’t feel disrespected, but he just says he doesn’t know, all he knows is that it makes him feel like he can’t satisfy his wife.

    I was so prideful when we first got married because it seemed so easy to respect my husband. He is SUCH a good man, so worthy of respect in every way. I constantly tell him how proud I am that he’s such a hard worker, and so good at his job, that he works so hard at home to fix it for us, that he’s such an amazing step-father. I just find it very difficult to share my heart if I am sad about anything. He can easily see on my face when I’m upset so it’s not easy for me to keep things to myself. If he’s angry about something and I sense that nothing I say will make it better, and I try to be quiet, he gets upset that I’m not responding.

    My husband is amazing in every way. He treats me like a queen! I’m a much better woman, mom, wife, and daughter because of his love, support, encouragement, and belief in me. I’m just not sure how to support him under such a tremendous amount of stress. When he’s asked what I think he could do for his stress, I’ve pointed him to Christ (he is a believer and encourages me as well), I’ve encouraged him to find time to read the Bible (he says I motivate him by faithfully reading mine each morning), listen to worship music all day, focus on God, know how much God loves him and how He is working all things out for his good. He focuses a lot on his own abilities to get the results that he wants, and I know that’s why he’s so exhausted and stressed. But – I only give him advice like that if he asks. Never unsolicited.

    So when newlyweds start to come down from the “high” and real life settles in, when you think you know how to be respectful and submissive, when your husband gets stressed and you fall flat on your face because you aren’t really that good at respect and submission yet, and you don’t know how to express hurt without making your husband angry…then what?

    1. Struggling to Learn,

      I was just talking about this with someone today! HOW can we better prepare Christian women to be godly wives. I mentioned how much easier it is to respect and submit to our men before marriage and how much more difficult it becomes after marriage. I don’t know that it is entirely possible to completely prepare a woman for this. Maybe to some degree, it is something we all have to experience and hash through and turn in desperation to God for.

      We had a number of trials hit us QUICKLY within one week of our marriage – and things immediately went downhill so fast I was in total shock. I was actually pretty respectful and cooperative before marriage. But when I got severely hurt and Greg couldn’t get an engineering job for 6 years, and parents began to take over, and I didn’t get my way for the first time in my life and Greg and his dad worked on a house for us to live in until 1am 6 nights a week for the first 3 months of our marriage and Greg stopped talking to me, touching me or looking at me and I just cried all day every day – I had no idea where to go, who to turn to, what to do… and everything I did in response made things so much worse!

      When men are under a great deal of stress – they can be even more sensitive than normal to disrespect. He may already be feeling like a failure as a man in other areas – and just the slightest hint that he is failing you in some way may be too much for him right now.

      I don’t think that means you should never ask him for things or share that you miss him. But I do think you will need to realize that he will be EXTREMELY sensitive and that the words you use and tone of voice and non-verbal body language you use will have a very large effect on him.

      I’d love for you to assume that he still loves you just as much and to understand that he is preoccupied with many worries and a large load on his mind.

      How many hours per week does he work now?

      Have you ever approached him in the morning? That is usually the best time for men.

      I”m glad that he is able to articulate to you that he feels like a failure when you say you are sad he hasn’t been as affectionate.

      I wonder if some of these approaches might work (with a pleasant tone of voice, doesn’t have to be a happy tone of voice, but not a scolding or upset one)?

      – I miss you.
      – I feel lonely, would you have 5 minutes to hold me, please?
      – I can’t wait to be in your arms again soon!

      What happens if you don’t say anything, but just initiate physically?

      If he gets upset that you are not responding – maybe you can ask for a bit of time to formulate your thoughts before you share your heart?

      This is where you realize just how much you need Jesus and learn to begin to depend on His strength and power instead of your own. Welcome to the refinery!!!!!! Be open to all God wants to show and teach you and be willing to learn and study your husband to best determine what he needs. Sometimes, you won’t be able to make him feel better. Sometimes he will have a really bad day, or week or month, or longer.

      I pray you will be sensitive to God’s voice and responsive to His Words and that you will allow God to shape you to be the wife and woman He desires you to be!!!!!

      Much love to you!
      April

      1. Or, when he wants you to respond, but you don’t want to say the wrong thing – you can just simply state your feelings. “I feel sad.” “I feel scared.”

        Husbands tend to measure their success by the happiness of their wives. So – if you do share that you are sad, that could make him feel like a failure. I hope you will try to share when you are happy, too, so that he sees that he can please you. 🙂

      2. He works close to 12 hours per day, and then sometimes brings work home at night too. We don’t have much time together in the mornings; I wake at 4:30 for Bible study (and hopefully exercise if I have time!) while he “snoozes” 🙂 until around 5:30 or so. He is out the door around 5:45 or 6, and I’m rushing to get into the shower by 6 to leave at 7. When he does bring home work, I have never once complained about it, only asked if I could do anything to help, bring him a drink, etc. Sometimes he will decide to forgo the work, but then he gets stressed that it’s piling up and for some reason, I allow myself to feel responsible, because he says he decided to spend time with me instead – for which I do thank him.

        I’ve tried to initiate physically, by texting him throughout the day, telling him how I can’t wait to be with him, but then at night he will usually say he has work to do, or he’ll ask me to sit on the couch with him – and then we sit for so long that I get exhausted and have to go to sleep since I wake up so early.

        My prayer is for God to make him productive and efficient at work, grant him favor at work, flood his heart with peace and joy and draw him close to Himself, relieve his stress and fill him with faith, take his faith the size of a mustard seed and grow it in His power.

        I do have to work on remembering that he loves me, even if he isn’t quite as affectionate for a time, or even if he decides to do something else rather than be intimate. I need to continue to pray, pray, pray!!! My husband will overcome these trials. Through God’s power, we will overcome them together!

  12. Struggling to Learn,

    I just stepped in to office with the same kind of feeling you are going through… My husband has some heavy work load and hes just having a long face at home… And I was wondering if he was upset with me… but then it was nice to see your comments and Aprils advice here…

    At this point I think we should trust God is in control and our Husbands definitely do love us! and I can very well understand that its terribly difficult… But we need to watch out for satan’s trap because this can lead to unhappiness, sorrow and the worst is we begin to disrespect them in our heart and which can be easily seen in our body language… And this in turn leads to MORE stress for our husbands 🙁 and in the end we both suffer…

    I love the prayer your making and Im praying the same now for my husband…

    Love
    Vinodhini

    1. Vinodhini, you are right. It shows in our body language very easily and that’s something I have desperately got to work on. Especially when it comes to being sad, it shows up in my face and voice easily.

      This morning was not a good one. I woke, did my Bible study, worked out, walked into the bedroom to pick out my clothes for today and my husband, out of the blue, tells me that he isn’t sure what’s going on with me but I’ve been acting completely different. I asked him what I’d done to upset him, and his response was that he wasn’t going to discuss it again. He said I ask him all the time what i can to do help him, but then I never do it. I asked for an example because I try to do everything he asks, and he said it was pointless to keep telling me over and over again. I told him I felt blind-sided because we had a nice evening last night, we only had a few minutes together but we put my daughter to bed together, prayed with her, then he and I sat on the couch for a little while before he said he needed to get some work done and I went to bed. He sarcastically apologized and said he must be wrong then. I told him that he knows my heart is to help and do what I can, but I also forget and I need him to remind me if there are things he needs. He said he doesn’t know my heart anymore, and then he left for work.

      I’m just at a loss right now.

      1. Oh Kelly, you helped! Thank you so very much! I do struggle with feeling like a failure many times! My husband needs my support, I realize that, and I try to give it to him – but I think he expects me to be God. He expects me to be able to fill his every need right now, and when I can’t, he says that I am oblivious to his needs. I am not oblivious, I am simply not God. I do as much as I can, but I can’t fill him. And I think I have to stop trying. I’m not sure what that means as far as what I do daily to support and encourage him, but I have to stop taking on God’s responsibility to be everything to my husband.

        Is it bad for me to at some point tell my husband that I am doing as much as I can to support, but if he feels like it’s not enough, I’m sorry, I simply am not able to do any more? I will jump through hoops when he gives me something specific I can do to help him, but if he’s expecting me to just be intuitive about his every need, I can’t do it. I just can’t. I am not God. I love my husband, and I know him better than anyone, but I still can’t read his mind. Even God wants us to come to Him with requests, despite the fact that He CAN read our minds. 🙂

        Kelly, you have such an encouraging and positive attitude! It sounds like you are working very hard to respect your husband’s needs and requests, and to remember each of those needs. Thank you for sharing your examples and being an encouragement to me, and all the wives who read this!

        1. Oh, I never meant to convey anything like that! He is most definitely not abusive in any way! I feel completely protected with him. I apologize if I gave a wrong impression. I do pray for all wives, or ANY person, in an abusive situation!

  13. Kelly, thank you so much for all of your encouragement. No, my husband is not a police officer – he’s not quite that particular about how things are arranged or cleaned. I’m probably more particular than my husband is, but I am not nearly as particular as your husband! For you both to be such polar opposites in that area, and yet have a growing marriage, it’s obvious that there is a lot of love and intentionality in honoring each other.

    My husband just feels weary by me asking what he needs. He feels that I should understand him well enough to know these things without asking, and he doesn’t want to have to answer those questions repeatedly (despite the fact that the answer could change on a daily basis depending on different life circumstances – I should understand him well enough to know what those changes are).

    He said I’m reading all of these blogs on how to be respectful and how to be a godly wife, so I should know by now what to do for him. He asked me what I could possibly be learning, if I have to ask him what he needs.

    We got some bad news the other day and I tried to put a positive spin on it, but he said he felt like I just didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, that I’m lost in my own little world. I’m generally a positive person, I do smile a lot, but that seems to make him feel like I don’t understand the pressures that are happening right now. So…smiling or trying to be optimistic tends to have a negative effect. Asking how I can help him has a negative effect.

    How do I support my husband when he is so monumentally stressed over numerous issues that optimism and requests for his needs have a bad effective? Should I be negative with him, and just pray that God will reveal my husband’s needs to me so I don’t have to ask again?

    We are in a much better place today. He says he’s struggling and fighting. I said I’m trying to fight with him, I just sometimes feel unarmed. I’m so glad we’re doing better today, but I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds over the past week. I don’t feel safe emotionally with him right now. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

    I had a thought this morning that he doesn’t need to hear about my emotions right now. He’s so stressed that trying to share my heart about how this week has hurt me would be counter-productive. This time, this season, is about him, not about me. I need to focus on how he is feeling and what he’s struggling with, and not bring to him my struggles because, as he has said before, he’s dealing with “real life stuff.” I’m not sure if that was God telling me to focus on my husband’s emotional health right now rather than mine, or if it was my own thought so it may not be correct.

    I need to go pray some more…

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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