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God Answers a Wife’s Question – “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Spend Time with Me?”

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From a precious wife. I am so excited about what God is beginning to do in her heart!!!!!  Thank you for allowing me to share!

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I stumbled across Peaceful Wife’s blog after Googling (seriously) “why doesn’t my husband want to spend time with me” (or something like that – I tried Googling it again to see and I can’t find the blog as a result anymore!)

Anyway, the post that was linked was http://peacefulwife.com/2013/09/06/im-going-to-stop-pursuing-my-husband/ and as I read, I felt a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. I’ve been married for two and a half years, and my husband and I have a baby who’s just under a year old.

Although I try my hardest every day to uplift my husband, I never realized just how disrespectful I’d been – things like

  • withholding sex and cuddling because I wasn’t feeling loved
  • making enormous financial decisions without his input
  • trying to be the spiritual leader in our household… the list goes on.

It definitely got worse when our baby was born this past spring – our baby is very fussy and needy, and I was always putting our baby first (hard not to do with a newborn) and barely giving my husband any respect or attention at all. Naturally, I began feeling very unloved. Despite all the work I was doing, it felt like my husband didn’t see it or didn’t care.
So I’d been praying for God to change my husband. I’d considered separation. I let thoughts of an old ex-boyfriend (from seven years ago!) with whom I have absolutely zero contact play around in my mind. But I bit my tongue (something I learned to do early on, thank God) and prayed. I got mad at God. I asked God why He wasn’t doing anything to help my marriage.

Then, your blog. Here was His answer:

“You need to recognize your controlling ways and learn to submit joyfully to your husband.”

And it was scary. But as I read Peaceful Wife’s post and all the comments, and continued to read the blog, I felt a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. I am a steamroller! I couldn’t believe just how disrespectful and controlling I’d been, all the while lauding myself for being that “cool, laid-back wife”… oh my. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I asked God for the grace to allow me to step back and let my husband lead in our family. I recognized just how difficult this is going to be, but I absolutely trust God (not to mention my husband’s capacity for making smart decisions). I don’t know why I always felt like I needed to rush to make decisions, or not trust my husband, but his track record reveals a man of sound heart and mind! And he is a terrific father; I am so blessed to be married to him. I’m just so glad I found Peaceful Wife’s blog and was reminded of God’s sovereignty and my husband’s role as leader in our family.

I think a lot of my fear and control has to do with the roles my parents exhibited in their own marriage (which ended when I was in university, when my dad cheated on my mom [a recovering alcoholic] with my best friend’s mother [a drug addict]…. sigh!) My mother was a doormat for my father. He walked all over her and treated her very poorly. He never abused her, but he was not very loving and my mother worshipped the ground he walked on. I can see now that my mother didn’t respect him, though. When I was 4 and mother had gone through a rehab program to finally kick alcohol,

She booted my father out of the house, saying she didn’t need him around to help raise the kids.

My dad revealed to me when he left my mom 30 years into their marriage that he hadn’t loved my mom since that day in 1986. I can’t imagine the pain that ripped through my father’s heart when my mother showed him that phenomenal amount of disrespect. She did beg him back a few months later, and he did return, but it was not a joyful marriage, and like I said, it ended in separation nineteen years later. My father told me that the only reason he’d returned was for my sibling and I.  I know my relationship is not my parents’, but at least knowing where my fear comes from can help me hand it over to God and not live in fear.

After all these revelations and prayer, I am not joking you when I say I saw a difference in my husband within hours.

(From Peacefulwife – every couple’s story is unique. The timelines are different. Sometimes there is an immediate response. Sometimes things get rocky after that for awhile. Sometimes it takes months or years to see a “response” from a husband, and there are some cases – rarely – where a husband never responds favorably to his wife’s genuine change of heart, respect and honor. We are not responsible for our husbands’ response, we are only responsible for our obedience to Christ.)

Whereas he’d barely said 10 words to me in the past few days, all of the sudden he posted a picture of me on Facebook, praising me with some sweet comments – very unlike him. The difference? God created the space in our relationship for us to fulfill our respective roles, and I am able to see my husband with new eyes. I am actively praying about respecting my husband. I have so much to learn, so much scripture to reflect on, so much repentance to do. I wrote a note for my husband this morning and put it in his lunch, apologizing for some of my ‘steamrolling’ behavior in the past few months.

I know it is dangerous for me to expect any response, so I am not.

When he comes home from work today, I will greet him at the door with our child, give him a hug, and allow him to pursue me in his time and space, whatever that may be.

Thank you to Peaceful Wife for creating a space online which has evidently already helped so, SO many women. I am not much of a YouTube watcher, but I began watching Peaceful Wife’s videos last night (channel “April Cassidy”). Submission is scary, especially in a culture that promotes aggression in women. I’ve followed God’s will in so many areas of my life and have been so blessed, and I’m excited for whatever His will is in my marriage.

THIS IS FREEDOM!

16 thoughts on “God Answers a Wife’s Question – “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Spend Time with Me?”

  1. Wonderful story. 🙂 I love listening to wives “getting it”. It’s amazing. God’s Work in hundreds of marriages through a personal conviction from a life experience, and then being divinely led to April’s blog is not a coincidence. 🙂

    Just one question: How can her mother “worship the ground he walks on” have no “respect whatsoever for her father”?

    1. Thanks for the sharing, Elizabeth. I went down memory lane with you right there. Seems to me your mother was so “put together”. She was extremely efficient and was a “pillar” in the community – in whatever way or fashion. I could imagine how this ’emasculated” your father. 🙁 She seemed to have no need for him, and his passivity and creative nature had no way of stepping up the plate as the leader, since the void for that role had already been filled.

      I am glad that though this was the case with you (my parents had a very cold relationship wherein they practiced “to each his own”. What you would call egalitarian now. Not a very happy scenario either.), God had shown you His Design for Marriage and are not bound to repeat the same mistakes. That way, from your own marriage, the future marriages of your children will be influenced for the good.:)

      Thanks for the explanation on my question. I think that explained it. 🙂

      Love,

      Nikka

    2. Elizabeth,
      What a story! What an incredible woman your grandmother was! My heart aches that your mother and father missed out on what could have been a beautiful marriage. God has given you such a clear understanding of His design for marriage through the lack in your parents’. I’m so saddened that they and your family experienced so much pain. I pray, too, that God will use their story to bring healing to others. Thank you so much for sharing.

  2. Beautiful! Praise God that He has revealed His truth to this wife so early in her marriage. So many of us continue on in our selfish blindness for years, decades even. And what a miracle that her husband is responding so soon – God is obviously at work in their hearts! I will pray for His continued presence with them and for healing from the brokenness of the past.

    Nikka, sounds like her mother had her father as an idol in her heart but he, being human, failed her. She saw only his failures and so could not respect him, but, being so deceived, continued to idolize him even though she did not find contentment and fulfillment in him because that can only be found in the Lord. Does that make sense? That would be my take on it.

    1. Hi Cat!

      Yes, I think that explains it. 🙂 Thanks! 🙂

      The phrase “worship the ground he walks on” is too romantic, but quite skewed and unrealistic. To “worship” a mere human will just make you frustrated and angry eventually because the object of the idolatry is just as flawed, if not more so, than the one “worshiping”. It also makes for a “suffocating” love setup. All these “romantic” messages we hear about in love songs and watch in movies, are really a viewed distortion of true “love” for one’s spouse.

      Firstly, only God should be worshiped. Secondly, all the drama in the world to show that the wife loves her husband (hurting herself if he left her, etc.) does nothing for the man (may only repel him!) if she did not speak his language — that of RESPECT.

  3. It was such a refreshing thing to read, as opposed to all of the “he doesn’t love you anymore and is probably cheating” articles that seemed to come up! Major changes in my relationship already.

    1. I agree. All of those articles only add fuel to the insecurities that are so hurtful to a relationship. I too, found this site to be a breath of fresh air. It helps me to keep my mind focused on the ONLY thing I can (and should) control…..my thoughts, attitudes, words, and actions. Trusting God to control everything else is SUCH a relief and I would have never considered that without this website.

  4. Ladies,

    It is my prayer that every post will inspire every wife to depend on Christ above all and to find contentment in Him alone and to live in obedience to Him no matter her circumstances in the moment.

    There are thousands of wives who read my posts. I had been neglecting the wives who are in the midst of separations and difficult times, so I have had some posts lately about how wives even in difficult circumstances can experience the peace, power and miracles of God, just as much as wives whose circumstances are less difficult.

    The number of situations of women who read my blog are extremely varied. I pray God might use me to bless, benefit and encourage all of them.

    I pray we will all understand that we need not be discouraged or afraid no matter what our husbands are or are not doing, but that God is sovereign and that He is able to bring great glory to Himself and blessings to us in any trial or time of suffering.

    My prayer is that we will cling to Christ alone as our hope and put our faith and trust in Him alone. Yes, my prayer is for EVERY marriage to be healed, for every wife and husband to come to Christ, for every marriage to be a beautiful depiction of the biblical design God has given to us for His glory. But, I want us all to see that there is beauty and power and hope in Christ even if we do face our deepest fears. God is able to use even those things for our ultimate good and His glory. So, we cannot lose! We can rest in and trust God’s love and sovereignty to accomplish His purposes in our lives. No person, not even our husbands, can thwart God’s good purposes in our lives.

    Much love!

  5. 95% of the marriage, couples will not want sex at the same time, I’m learning that someone has to sacrifice, or someone just needs to show love as in understanding, or just being patient, we can’t make the other person understand or be patient, we can only be ready to receive or give ou mates what they need. I am just learning this as I have told God I want to be available and never reject my husband or withhold my love and afection from him. Just thought I would share, thx Peaceful Wife for allowing God to use you to open our eyes more.

  6. So grateful and hopeful to read a real life story such as this one. Just like all of you, I am also learning how to be respectful to my husband, even when he doesn’t deserve it. God never asks us to do anything easy! I can’t say I have seen any changes in my husband, but I am also spending time checking my motives to make sure I am doing it out of obedience and love for God and not to “manipulate” my husband. I have spent a lot of my time in the past, even recent past, playing Holy Spirit to my husband, and God just keeps convicting me to “be still and know that I am God.” He’s doing a good work in me, during this chaotic time. My biggest struggle is dealing with my husband’s pornography addiction that he feels no remorse or guilt over. I have to constantly remind myself that my sins are no better than his, so I can stay humble and compassionate. Believe it or not, I’m actually a Christian counselor. I know that this addiction comes from a place of pain and hurt. I’ve committed in my spirit to stay completely committed to this marriage. My husband just keeps distancing himself further and further away and refuses to see any problem with his behaviors. Everything is always my fault, which I know is a lie from Satan. Don’t get me wrong I am more than willing to admit my faults, which I have confessed and asked forgiveness for from God and my husband. God is teaching me to wait and trust in Him. He keeps telling me that the “battle is already won.” Thank you for the encouraging article! I need more of those.

    1. Melissa,

      I’m so glad this blessed you!

      I pray God will work in His power in your husbands’ heart. He is able to convict in ways that we never possibly could!

      I’m so glad you are committed to your marriage covenant and that you desire to grow and become a godly wife and woman just to please Christ. Your heart is in the right place!!!!

      I have a post about pornography if you are interested.

      Much love! I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

  7. Keisha, i pray that the Lord will heal your marriage. May He give you peace that surpasses all understanding in Jesus’ Name!

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