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God Answers a Wife’s Question – “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Spend Time with Me?”

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From a precious wife. I am so excited about what God is beginning to do in her heart!!!!!  Thank you for allowing me to share!

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I stumbled across Peaceful Wife’s blog after Googling (seriously) “why doesn’t my husband want to spend time with me” (or something like that – I tried Googling it again to see and I can’t find the blog as a result anymore!)

Anyway, the post that was linked was http://peacefulwife.com/2013/09/06/im-going-to-stop-pursuing-my-husband/ and as I read, I felt a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. I’ve been married for two and a half years, and my husband and I have a baby who’s just under a year old.

Although I try my hardest every day to uplift my husband, I never realized just how disrespectful I’d been – things like

  • withholding sex and cuddling because I wasn’t feeling loved
  • making enormous financial decisions without his input
  • trying to be the spiritual leader in our household… the list goes on.

It definitely got worse when our baby was born this past spring – our baby is very fussy and needy, and I was always putting our baby first (hard not to do with a newborn) and barely giving my husband any respect or attention at all. Naturally, I began feeling very unloved. Despite all the work I was doing, it felt like my husband didn’t see it or didn’t care.
So I’d been praying for God to change my husband. I’d considered separation. I let thoughts of an old ex-boyfriend (from seven years ago!) with whom I have absolutely zero contact play around in my mind. But I bit my tongue (something I learned to do early on, thank God) and prayed. I got mad at God. I asked God why He wasn’t doing anything to help my marriage.

Then, your blog. Here was His answer:

“You need to recognize your controlling ways and learn to submit joyfully to your husband.”

And it was scary. But as I read Peaceful Wife’s post and all the comments, and continued to read the blog, I felt a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. I am a steamroller! I couldn’t believe just how disrespectful and controlling I’d been, all the while lauding myself for being that “cool, laid-back wife”… oh my. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I asked God for the grace to allow me to step back and let my husband lead in our family. I recognized just how difficult this is going to be, but I absolutely trust God (not to mention my husband’s capacity for making smart decisions). I don’t know why I always felt like I needed to rush to make decisions, or not trust my husband, but his track record reveals a man of sound heart and mind! And he is a terrific father; I am so blessed to be married to him. I’m just so glad I found Peaceful Wife’s blog and was reminded of God’s sovereignty and my husband’s role as leader in our family.

I think a lot of my fear and control has to do with the roles my parents exhibited in their own marriage (which ended when I was in university, when my dad cheated on my mom [a recovering alcoholic] with my best friend’s mother [a drug addict]…. sigh!) My mother was a doormat for my father. He walked all over her and treated her very poorly. He never abused her, but he was not very loving and my mother worshipped the ground he walked on. I can see now that my mother didn’t respect him, though. When I was 4 and mother had gone through a rehab program to finally kick alcohol,

She booted my father out of the house, saying she didn’t need him around to help raise the kids.

My dad revealed to me when he left my mom 30 years into their marriage that he hadn’t loved my mom since that day in 1986. I can’t imagine the pain that ripped through my father’s heart when my mother showed him that phenomenal amount of disrespect. She did beg him back a few months later, and he did return, but it was not a joyful marriage, and like I said, it ended in separation nineteen years later. My father told me that the only reason he’d returned was for my sibling and I.  I know my relationship is not my parents’, but at least knowing where my fear comes from can help me hand it over to God and not live in fear.

After all these revelations and prayer, I am not joking you when I say I saw a difference in my husband within hours.

(From Peacefulwife – every couple’s story is unique. The timelines are different. Sometimes there is an immediate response. Sometimes things get rocky after that for awhile. Sometimes it takes months or years to see a “response” from a husband, and there are some cases – rarely – where a husband never responds favorably to his wife’s genuine change of heart, respect and honor. We are not responsible for our husbands’ response, we are only responsible for our obedience to Christ.)

Whereas he’d barely said 10 words to me in the past few days, all of the sudden he posted a picture of me on Facebook, praising me with some sweet comments – very unlike him. The difference? God created the space in our relationship for us to fulfill our respective roles, and I am able to see my husband with new eyes. I am actively praying about respecting my husband. I have so much to learn, so much scripture to reflect on, so much repentance to do. I wrote a note for my husband this morning and put it in his lunch, apologizing for some of my ‘steamrolling’ behavior in the past few months.

I know it is dangerous for me to expect any response, so I am not.

When he comes home from work today, I will greet him at the door with our child, give him a hug, and allow him to pursue me in his time and space, whatever that may be.

Thank you to Peaceful Wife for creating a space online which has evidently already helped so, SO many women. I am not much of a YouTube watcher, but I began watching Peaceful Wife’s videos last night (channel “April Cassidy”). Submission is scary, especially in a culture that promotes aggression in women. I’ve followed God’s will in so many areas of my life and have been so blessed, and I’m excited for whatever His will is in my marriage.

THIS IS FREEDOM!

29 thoughts on “God Answers a Wife’s Question – “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Spend Time with Me?”

  1. Wonderful story. 🙂 I love listening to wives “getting it”. It’s amazing. God’s Work in hundreds of marriages through a personal conviction from a life experience, and then being divinely led to April’s blog is not a coincidence. 🙂

    Just one question: How can her mother “worship the ground he walks on” have no “respect whatsoever for her father”?

    1. Nikka and Cat,

      Thinking about this wife made me so sad. . . for it was my mother, too. I don’t know if she idolized my father as much as she simply wasn’t able to focus on all his good qualities while “covering over” the “warts” in love. Her nature was extremely perfectionistic, and she strove to control everything and everyone in her family and environment. She felt if we didn’t do everything the RIGHT way–from worshiping to doing the dishes in the correct order and manner–all would be lost. My father shrank not just from her but from us and our home, because every time he came home she began berating him about something.

      She was a perfectionist by nature–she sewed absolutely beautiful garments, down to the last tiny detail, etc.–but she was also raised during the depression in Dust Bowl Oklahoma and witnessed deprivation and broken systems all around her for years. Her own mother held their family of nine together after my grandfather fell from an oil derrick and broke his back. Despite having seven children, she rode sidesaddle throughout the country giving piano and music lessons and accepted any kind of food as payment. She was also the church organist and a “pillar” in the church as well. My mother no doubt absorbed the message that if women weren’t strong the world would cave in. Then in her own marriage, when my father’s nature–free spirited, creative inventor more intent on discoveries than on paying the light bill–triggered insecurities, she simply took control, as her mother had had to do. Only she tried to change my father too, by nagging. This, of course, made him feel disrespected and unappreciated and he stopped even trying to make her happy.

      I know things would have turned out so differently if both my parents had really understood their respective roles in God’s arrangement and had seen their own shortcomings clearly. If my mother had appreciated and nurtured my father’s intelligence and creativity, who knows how far that could have taken them! And if my father had done more to show love to my mother by making sure basic needs were cared for first, she may have been able to relax and trust him to take care of us. Instead they entered the vicious cycle that lack of love and respect create, and our family became broken. After all these years, I still cry thinking about the enormous loss and pain it brought to all of us. If my parents’ experience can serve any good, I pray that it will, to motivate us not to inflict pain on our own families in the same way.

      1. P.S. By “this wife” I am referring to her mother, the one who said she didn’t need her father to help raise the children.

      2. Thanks for the sharing, Elizabeth. I went down memory lane with you right there. Seems to me your mother was so “put together”. She was extremely efficient and was a “pillar” in the community – in whatever way or fashion. I could imagine how this ’emasculated” your father. 🙁 She seemed to have no need for him, and his passivity and creative nature had no way of stepping up the plate as the leader, since the void for that role had already been filled.

        I am glad that though this was the case with you (my parents had a very cold relationship wherein they practiced “to each his own”. What you would call egalitarian now. Not a very happy scenario either.), God had shown you His Design for Marriage and are not bound to repeat the same mistakes. That way, from your own marriage, the future marriages of your children will be influenced for the good.:)

        Thanks for the explanation on my question. I think that explained it. 🙂

        Love,

        Nikka

      3. Elizabeth,
        What a story! What an incredible woman your grandmother was! My heart aches that your mother and father missed out on what could have been a beautiful marriage. God has given you such a clear understanding of His design for marriage through the lack in your parents’. I’m so saddened that they and your family experienced so much pain. I pray, too, that God will use their story to bring healing to others. Thank you so much for sharing.

      4. Elizabeth: “if my father had done more to show love to my mother by making sure basic needs were cared for first, she may have been able to relax and trust him to take care of us.” In my experience, this wouldn’t have made any difference (though I’m not countenancing any failure to provide those basic needs, by any means). Your mother’s definition of “basic needs” would have differed from your father’s, or for some other reason she would still have felt insecure and would not have trusted him. My wife grew up very poor in a single-father home. From the beginning of my career (after four years of grad school following our wedding), my wife had more than she’d ever had as a child — a nicer apartment, newer/nicer cars, etc. Within 7 years of our marriage, she had a brand new 2400 sf house and our first child on the way. Over the years, she had new minivans, whatever clothes she wanted, and bigger houses in nicer neighborhoods. Our kids attended Christian schools at various times and our two oldest went to Christian colleges. We had one vacation to Hawaii and many summer vacations at the beach. We didn’t have everything we wanted every time we wanted, and we built up significant debt that needed to be dealt with (and could have been), but we had plenty — certainly more than the basics. And none of this was at the expense of my being at the office all the time; I spent more time with her and our kids than any other family we knew. Yet she still found plenty to complain about, to disrespect me for, and to make her feel “insecure,” to the point that our finances were one of her two primary reasons for divorcing me. If the wife is self-reliant, she’ll always feel insecure and find reasons not to trust/respect her husband, regardless of how well he provides for her.

        1. David J.,

          Your story breaks my heart. 🙁

          Wen we don’t have Christ first, but have self or control or romance or financial security or whatever else as idols, we truly will never be content. We will always be insatiable and insecure. Idolatry destroys not only our fellowship with God and robs us of His blessings, peace, power and joy, but it, just like all sin, destroys relationships, too. 🙁

          I am praying for you and your family.

      5. When I read this, just for a moment I thought I had posted it and forgot!! My mom and I have a rocky, at best, relationship. Her only hint at love to me was sewing clothes. Unfortunately, I needed physical touch and words of affirmation. My father, by the time I came along, had learned his place (of submission). It just makes me angry when I think about the years that are lost. He would come home and talk to her about his day while washing up but she ignored him, even talking to me while not listening to him! Once I said to her “Daddy is talking to you” and she just shrugged her shoulders and replied “he doesn’t care if I listen or not”. I knew then I wanted my marriage to be different! No one could clean house to please her. I often wonder if that was her self worth… I was married at 17 and had no idea how to even use a washing machine!! Or a myriad of other things 🙁 I just hope we can go into the future being intentional wives, meaning we realize we have but one life to give our husbands our best.

  2. Beautiful! Praise God that He has revealed His truth to this wife so early in her marriage. So many of us continue on in our selfish blindness for years, decades even. And what a miracle that her husband is responding so soon – God is obviously at work in their hearts! I will pray for His continued presence with them and for healing from the brokenness of the past.

    Nikka, sounds like her mother had her father as an idol in her heart but he, being human, failed her. She saw only his failures and so could not respect him, but, being so deceived, continued to idolize him even though she did not find contentment and fulfillment in him because that can only be found in the Lord. Does that make sense? That would be my take on it.

    1. Hi Cat!

      Yes, I think that explains it. 🙂 Thanks! 🙂

      The phrase “worship the ground he walks on” is too romantic, but quite skewed and unrealistic. To “worship” a mere human will just make you frustrated and angry eventually because the object of the idolatry is just as flawed, if not more so, than the one “worshiping”. It also makes for a “suffocating” love setup. All these “romantic” messages we hear about in love songs and watch in movies, are really a viewed distortion of true “love” for one’s spouse.

      Firstly, only God should be worshiped. Secondly, all the drama in the world to show that the wife loves her husband (hurting herself if he left her, etc.) does nothing for the man (may only repel him!) if she did not speak his language — that of RESPECT.

  3. Kelly, This sight “popped up” for me too, just when I felt completely hopeless and in pain. I know it was God’s spirit helping me find scriptural insight, as well as the encouragement of others who care.

    1. It was such a refreshing thing to read, as opposed to all of the “he doesn’t love you anymore and is probably cheating” articles that seemed to come up! Major changes in my relationship already.

      1. I agree. All of those articles only add fuel to the insecurities that are so hurtful to a relationship. I too, found this site to be a breath of fresh air. It helps me to keep my mind focused on the ONLY thing I can (and should) control…..my thoughts, attitudes, words, and actions. Trusting God to control everything else is SUCH a relief and I would have never considered that without this website.

  4. Ladies,

    It is my prayer that every post will inspire every wife to depend on Christ above all and to find contentment in Him alone and to live in obedience to Him no matter her circumstances in the moment.

    There are thousands of wives who read my posts. I had been neglecting the wives who are in the midst of separations and difficult times, so I have had some posts lately about how wives even in difficult circumstances can experience the peace, power and miracles of God, just as much as wives whose circumstances are less difficult.

    The number of situations of women who read my blog are extremely varied. I pray God might use me to bless, benefit and encourage all of them.

    I pray we will all understand that we need not be discouraged or afraid no matter what our husbands are or are not doing, but that God is sovereign and that He is able to bring great glory to Himself and blessings to us in any trial or time of suffering.

    My prayer is that we will cling to Christ alone as our hope and put our faith and trust in Him alone. Yes, my prayer is for EVERY marriage to be healed, for every wife and husband to come to Christ, for every marriage to be a beautiful depiction of the biblical design God has given to us for His glory. But, I want us all to see that there is beauty and power and hope in Christ even if we do face our deepest fears. God is able to use even those things for our ultimate good and His glory. So, we cannot lose! We can rest in and trust God’s love and sovereignty to accomplish His purposes in our lives. No person, not even our husbands, can thwart God’s good purposes in our lives.

    Much love!

    1. April:
      I don’t want you to think that you have “ignored” wives who are in times of separation or other challenges. I am one of those wives and I learned – “Oh so much” even from the posts which were less relevant to my current situation. However – I have really – REALLY – appreciated the posts from women whose situations are not as “normal,” as their challenges are similar to my own. Such posts have been such a source of blessing and strength to me.

      It is hard for all of us — but hearing from others who also face challenges and rise above them, helps to strengthen those who are still a little “under the weather” associated with their situations. I also hope that the posts from wives with great challenges, will also alert those who have this opportunity to learn, to use it! And save themselves from the heartaches and pain that can result from ignorance.

      I am not responsible for my husband’s sins…. but I have enough of my own. And if I knew “then” what I know now – just focusing on my sins — only—, would have made — OH so much difference!

      Thank you for your blog. I found it after reading Dr. Emerson Eggrich’s (Sp?) book about Love and Respect – and I felt a light bulb go off in my head…I then wondered how I could apply all that when my situation was so much “gone” (in the flesh). I then googled, how to respect an unloving husband, and there I found your site.

      1. Prayinglikehannah,

        I’m so glad that those recent posts have blessed you. I hope to cover as many different scenarios and situations as possible – highlighting how God is sovereign and our submission and obedience to Him brings about what is ultimately best for us and grows our faith so that we can experience the miracles of God -sometimes in ways we don’t expect, sometimes in direct answer to our prayers.

        I appreciate hearing your perspective so very much. 🙂

        Praying for you today!

        With love,
        April

  5. 95% of the marriage, couples will not want sex at the same time, I’m learning that someone has to sacrifice, or someone just needs to show love as in understanding, or just being patient, we can’t make the other person understand or be patient, we can only be ready to receive or give ou mates what they need. I am just learning this as I have told God I want to be available and never reject my husband or withhold my love and afection from him. Just thought I would share, thx Peaceful Wife for allowing God to use you to open our eyes more.

  6. What if you rushed into a marriage without knowing your husband well and soon learned that he doesn’t make the best decisions for the family and because of this, you can’t trust his decision making or else face being in bad situations all the time? On top of this, you are the only one working at this time?

    1. Keisha,

      It is great to meet you! Thankfully, God is sovereign, and His Word applies to us all. He is able to lead us as we seek to obey and trust Him. :). Every wife I know began this journey thinking her husband couldn’t lead well. But in most cases, as wives obey God and learn to respect and honor their husbands, husbands eventually begin to step up and lead. Will they make mistakes? Yes. Will they even sin sometimes? Yes. Just like we do!

      If you have serious issues, please seek godly, experienced help. 🙂

      I am excited to see what God has in store for you!

      1. Keisha,

        Oh!
        What is your relationship like with Christ?

        Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

        Does your husband have any addictions, history of abuse, mental illnesses?

        What kinds of bad decisions does he make?

        Much love
        April

        1. Thank you for responding. I am a recent convert from baptist to apostolic by way of my husband’s father, our bishop. My husband was raised under the apostolic doctrine, however, he is in a back slide state right now. I recently was called to minister. He is addicted to reefer. He suffers from past physical abuse from his biological mother. His dad remarried and gained custody of my husband and his siblings. In the beginning, he was living a double life to gain approval from his dad. He often felt like his dad wasn’t active in his life due to his ministry. I back slide in the beginning as well, but I still made good decisions in term of finances. We are going into our 3rd year of marriage and it things got rough after the 5th month.

        2. He was arrested for drunk driving. Even though his license was suspended because of it, he still drives. He was pulled over and now he is facing federal charges for driving with a suspended license. He tries to get me to pay bills let. His motto is to wait until the collectors threaten to shut off services. He spends the little money we have on his habits. He listens to hard core ganster rap music in front of the kids, he hangs with the wrong croud, he teases the kids at times. I have four kids that are not his own. One has adhd. He openly displays his dislike for her. It’s a lot more but I won’t point all the blame on him. Before I allowed God to lead my life, when situations arise, I lashed out on him with curse words and very loud.

          1. Keisha, i pray that the Lord will heal your marriage. May He give you peace that surpasses all understanding in Jesus’ Name!

  7. So grateful and hopeful to read a real life story such as this one. Just like all of you, I am also learning how to be respectful to my husband, even when he doesn’t deserve it. God never asks us to do anything easy! I can’t say I have seen any changes in my husband, but I am also spending time checking my motives to make sure I am doing it out of obedience and love for God and not to “manipulate” my husband. I have spent a lot of my time in the past, even recent past, playing Holy Spirit to my husband, and God just keeps convicting me to “be still and know that I am God.” He’s doing a good work in me, during this chaotic time. My biggest struggle is dealing with my husband’s pornography addiction that he feels no remorse or guilt over. I have to constantly remind myself that my sins are no better than his, so I can stay humble and compassionate. Believe it or not, I’m actually a Christian counselor. I know that this addiction comes from a place of pain and hurt. I’ve committed in my spirit to stay completely committed to this marriage. My husband just keeps distancing himself further and further away and refuses to see any problem with his behaviors. Everything is always my fault, which I know is a lie from Satan. Don’t get me wrong I am more than willing to admit my faults, which I have confessed and asked forgiveness for from God and my husband. God is teaching me to wait and trust in Him. He keeps telling me that the “battle is already won.” Thank you for the encouraging article! I need more of those.

    1. Melissa,

      I’m so glad this blessed you!

      I pray God will work in His power in your husbands’ heart. He is able to convict in ways that we never possibly could!

      I’m so glad you are committed to your marriage covenant and that you desire to grow and become a godly wife and woman just to please Christ. Your heart is in the right place!!!!

      I have a post about pornography if you are interested.

      Much love! I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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