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Standing By Your Man When It Matters Most – By Chelsea

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*** Many thanks to April for allowing me to share today. I pray that this blog was an encouragement to you. I would love to have you visit me at my blog “Keeper of His Home” and my Facebook Page as well! May the Lord bless you and keep you as you strive to be the keeper of His home!

 

“Marriage is easy!” says the newlywed couple who have yet to face one of life’s anticipated or unanticipated trials. Oh, the wake up call that follows when the first challenge hits! It’s then that we find whether a couple will thrive, survive or divide under the pressures of hardship, loss, confrontation or one of life’s little emergencies. This, my sisters, is where we find out what kind of wife we are when the unexpected happens and we face the big question: will I stand by my man?

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4
Many women simply do not understand how very important our support means to our husbands. With just a word or a look, we can either bring them honor or shame. We can win their trust or lose it. We can build them up or tear them down. This holds especially true in times of testing or trouble. Knowing they we will be there to stand by our men in loud and clear support, as their number one support system, is of monumental value. A wife who supports her husband is an excellent wife and an excellent wife is a crown to him, as Proverbs 12 says.
“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:11-12
 
“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” Proverbs 31:23
In our home, we recently had an unfortunate opportunity to test this concept.
My husband and I were involved in a situation where we had to meet with a person we greatly respect spiritually and love as a friend, but the meeting was not pleasant. It was in fact something of a confrontation. My husband was quite deflated and hurt by the whole situation, though that was not the intention of our dear friend. In those moments, I had the opportunity to support my husband, remain neutral or come against him.
Being that this person bringing the confrontation was someone we greatly respect, it would have been easy for me to remain neutral in the matter, keeping my mouth shut and my eyes firmly planted on the floor. It might have been tempting to nod in agreement with this spiritual mentor and, by doing so, side with him instead of my husband. Yet the Holy Spirit confirmed in my heart that my place was beside my man, supporting him in word and in deed. This showed my husband that he could trust me, count on me, that I was proud of him, and that he could fall into my arms for rejuvenation later.
A few days later, I woke up to find a precious love note in which my husband thanked me for my support and love through this trial. His heart cherished me for my devotion, and my heart overflowed with joy that the Lord’s Word is true indeed. I was a crown to my husband that day. Though I fail at times (more often than I’d like to admit), I pray that I am a crown to him more often than a shame.
Do I Support My Husband if He’s Wrong?
That’s an excellent question. The answer is one that is dependent on another question…will issuing support put you in a place of approving of or taking part in sin? In other words, is your husband asking you to commit sin or to accept sin in order to grant support? If the answer is yes, then you need to pray about God would have you proceed. Just remember that there is a difference between being “wrong” and being in “sin”.
Can you and should you support your husband if he’s wrong?
Sure!
One thing I learned early in my marriage is that it’s okay for your husband to be wrong. It’s okay for you to submit to his leadership and offer support even when he’s making bad choices. For example, your husband decides he’d like to start a business during a recession. Watching many other businesses fail, you are fairly sure this business is not a good idea, but your husband is confident about it. Should you dig your heels in and hold your ground?
No, you should support your man and trust God with the rest. If that business fails later, God will take care of you. Do you give your husband the “I told you so” lecture? No. You offer grace, support and work on rebuilding his confidence. He will cherish you all the more, and may have learned something in the process. The question is, do you trust God enough to allow your husband to be wrong? Ponder that one.
Supporting your husband doesn’t mean you tolerate or participate in any sin in his life. In other words, if your husband struggles with pornography addictions, support doesn’t mean you run to the store to get him another “magazine”. Support means you do everything in your power to (without preaching at him) show him that the love of a supportive wife is better than any lust this world has to offer. You satisfy him physically and you build him up whenever you can. You show him through grace, love and support that God loves him. You support him in prayer. You do not nag or usurp spiritual domination. You do not participate in sin but you do not crucify him every time he falls. That is support. For more about this issue, take a look at my blog “When Your Husband is in Sin”.
“When you’re standing at the crossroads
 and don’t know which path to choose
, let me come along
 ’cause even if you’re wrong I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you. 
Won’t let nobody hurt you. 
I’ll stand by you. Take me into your darkest hour
 and I’ll never desert you. 
I’ll stand by you.”
Love this song by the Pretenders! Does your husband know that you’ll stand by him? That you’ll never desert him, even in his darkest hours? I hope so. I hope my husband knows that and I’m going to spend my life proving it to him. I’m going to stand by him when no one else does, when it matters the most!
 
RELATED:
Spiritual Authority – (includes a section about what to do if someone in spiritual authority over us asks us to sin)

48 thoughts on “Standing By Your Man When It Matters Most – By Chelsea

  1. Thanks for this post today.
    God is really talking to me about respecting and honoring my husband.

    I find it hard when he doesn’t always treat me with love, attention, sacrifice and respect himself. I know God wants us to love even if we aren’t being loved and that’s where I have trouble because my flesh wants something back in return or to be treated equally.

    I’m slowly working on this. I need the Holy Spirit to help me. I want to be changed. I want to be a godly, beautiful wife.

    God bless you for sharing your heart with us.

    1. Unhappywife,

      I’m so glad this post blessed you. It IS hard to repay evil with good. But God can give you the power to do this, my sweet sister!

      You know what I think would be an amazing first step? I would love to see you call yourself something that shows your faith in God’s ability to change and heal you. Maybe godlywifetobe?

      Sending you a huge hug, my friend! 🙂

      1. Thanks April
        Your encouragement to me and sharing your heart and life has helped me and the Holy Spirit is speaking to me.

        I’ve changed my name too 😉 No more unhappy wife in my future, but a wife being refined and made holy.
        X

        1. Godlywifetobe,

          I think this name change is an important milestone in your journey, my sweet sister! It is the beginning of looking at life through eyes of faith and all the possibilities in Christ! If only you could see what He has planned, you would be in awe. I am so glad to get to be on this road with you. 🙂

          1. Thank you April. I’m so glad to have found you and this blog. I will be back often to ask for prayer and encouragement as some friends think I’m putting up with too much and I should just leave. But God has told me to stay and that’s what I will do!

          2. Godlywifetobe,

            Be wary of friends’ advice that is not biblical, my precious sister. IF you are truly in danger, you may need to separate and be somewhere safe and get help.

            But if you are not in actual danger, God may desire to change you first and to use you to pour the blessings of heaven and healing into your marriage. 🙂 I have seen Him do it hundreds of times!

            The key here is to keep your eyes and faith completely on Christ – not your husband.

            Much love,
            April

          3. I’m not in danger. His behavior is verbal/emotional/mental and it’s not a constant because he works so much and we go through cycles.

            I definitely am using wisdom and discernment in who I now share things with. I don’t want friends like Job. I want friends to remind me of the end goal and how far I’ve come and the changes that have occurred so I can finish this race well!
            X

    2. Kelly,

      The secret is to repent of all sin and to abide in Christ – to be in His Word, to be full of His Spirit, to seek Him more than anything, to want Him and to realize that JESUS IS EVERYTHING! Nothing else really matters but Him.

      It is important to get rid of all the idols – even though it is painful, and to learn to find contentment in Christ alone. He is more than enough. God purifies our motives as we go through these trials to make our faith more and more valuable and precious in His sight.

      Sending you and Unhappywife (or as I may have to call her, “Godlywifetobe”) a huge hug!

    3. Ha!
      Kelly,
      If your husband was willing to find your keys in horse poop – I believe that is SERIOUS evidence of his love for you!!!!!!! 🙂 That is an awesome story. Ugh! Asking for help is hard! I can so relate! 🙂

    4. Good morning sister! Wise words there from Peacefulwife. I have watched women walk through the struggle you are walking through. To love and respect a man who does not show you the love you need is hard indeed. It takes a lot of sacrifice, mercy and definitely prayer. Whenever you feel like you can’t do it anymore, retreat to your prayer closet, read the Word and ask God to renew your strength and resolve. The race is hard and long, but the reward at the end is worth it. Make honoring your husband your personal mission in life. Praying for you sister! God bless you and thanks for commenting!

      1. Thanks for your encouragement. I am feeling overwhelmed at this task, and currently having depression doesn’t help. But it’s something I want to do. My goal since I became a Christian 14 years ago was to please God.
        Would appreciate prayers of strength!

    5. Oh Kelly. What a story!

      I used to throw little tantrums early on in our marriage too.

      Yes my husband won’t say “I love you ” often but does say “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you.

      I’m working through breaking down expectations and getting my love and affection from God.

  2. This is so true. I am continuing to see that support, ‘being on my husbands side’ and loyalty are so important to him. It can be easy to waver when you ‘see the other side of an argument’ but so important to keep on his ‘team’ as it were. Husbands sure do appreciate that!
    Blessings and thanks for a well thought through post.
    Alison Joy x

  3. WOW how I needed to hear this if for confirmation purposes alone. The journey to let go of good involvement in ministries in order to stand with my husband has not been easy. I feel that I am on a detox program but truly trusting God day by day, moment by moment and indeed my husband has needed me in situations that only God knew were coming. One of the areas that blessed me from reading this blog is supporting my husband when I feel he is wrong. Recently there was a situation between my husband and a Pastor that hurt deeply – one word in an email but because of past disrespect and hurts that my husband has endured it was like the last straw and it has caused a separation and distance from the church and church family. In my heart I felt it was all a misunderstanding and should be confronted face to face, however I had to consider the deeper scars and hurt my husband had and try to help him work through and walk through biblically to keep the bitter root from taking hold. He is fighting it and does not want to have this deep hurtful feelings so it is a struggle. It is indeed better but only God can heal the hurt and because I feel I must support my husband not only by my feelings but by standing by him and sharing when God opens the door the path to healing by the Word. Not preachy, not get all religious and spiritual – just being his wife and like Jesus through love and compassion and understanding. It would be great if we could work out the hurts and disappointments in those we love, but we can’t. But we can be honest, truthful, loving and use the right words at the right time and as my husband says, use man answers instead of getting all wordy as we women tend to do at times :). But most of all, prayer with thankfulness and trust that God will help us just as he tells us in James 1:4-7…..count these trials as joy. And also Isaiah 45:2 “I myself will go before you, and he will make the mountains level; I’ll shatter bronze doors and cut through iron bars. And last I love the scripture from Exodus that has helped me so much recently … Ex. 33:14 And He said, “My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.”. So glad that God understands we all have baggage and we can bring it with us and he helps us take our time to unpack – even if we have wrongs.

    1. Wanda,

      WOW! Thank you so much fro sharing what God is showing you. I definitely understand what you mean about a detox program in letting go of ministry. I kind of feel like that right now with giving up emailing wives!!! But, God is so good. And He is all that each of us need.

      I am so glad that you desire to bless your husband in ways that will mean the most to his masculine soul. LOVE that passage in Isaiah! And in Exodus.

      I’m so glad that God is able to heal and pray for His healing for you both and for the situation with the pastor. That God might be greatly glorified in the end.

      Much love to you!

  4. Amen sister. You know it’s a God moment when you are able to get through such pain and hurt, and then to grow closer to the Lord yourself, recognizing where we have been wrong too. Praise the Lord for the great work He is doing in your life and that you encourage others with that testimony. Thank you!

  5. Attended a marriage intensive program in Colorado. The christian counselor went into an angry tirade at me over theology. My wife sided with the nut job, and failed to stand by me.

    1. Hopeful husband– we are all works in progress. I am sorry to hear you were hurt this way.

      Wives-
      I too am guilty of being my husband’s opponent instead of his teammate in the past. I pray that we wives continue to grow in Christ and gain strength through Christ to honor our husbands and be their Helpmates. God is great and can turn every situation to His purpose.

    2. Hopeful Husband….that must have a painful experience. Sometimes we wives don’t understand the hurt we cause when we do not stand firmly on our husbands’ team. As I always advise the ladies I counsel with, we must continue forth in forgiveness, love and grace, winning our spouse over by our good conduct and praying always. God bless you brother!

  6. I’m torn right now in knowing whether to support my husband or not. He has a huge test coming up for work and has chosen to study for the test on weekends which means he’s not attending church. Do I support him in his job and studying for the test? What do I do about the fact that he’ll be missing many weeks of church? This has always been a bone of contention with me as I was always in church no matter what. I still feel bad skipping even if I’m sick. I’m scared if he doesn’t go he’ll grow further from God than he already is.

    1. Caryn,

      Thankfully, God is sovereign, even over your husband. He is a grown man and I believe needs the freedom to make his own decision. Even if he is “wrong” – you telling him what to do is not going to help (I Peter 3:1-6). It is your genuine respect and your responding in the power of God’s Spirit that will bless him and draw him closer to God and to yourself, not your lecturing him, criticizing him, telling him what he better do, condemning him, etc.

      For whatever my opinion is worth, I vote to say something like, “I’m so sad that you won’t be coming to church with me. But I know that this test is really important. I’m so thankful for the way you provide for me and for what a hard worker you are. I trust you to make the best decision here, and I support whatever you believe you need to do.”

      It would be great if he could go to church. But is it a sin for him not to go to church so that he can pass this big test? He will answer to God for that. He doesn’t answer to you. You can tell him how much you love going to church together. But, maybe he feels that his job will be on the line and that he could lose it if he doesn’t do well on this test? Maybe he is trying to be the best provider possible and just doesn’t have enough time to do all the things that are important to him?

      God is able to speak to him about this. He is able to convict him if it is an issue to God. God is also able to help your husband to grow spiritually. Missing a few weeks in church to study for his test on his job is not going to make him fall away from his faith if he has real faith in Christ. What would be much more damaging, in my view, would be to have a wife who freaks out about him missing a few weeks in church and who acts like he is not a strong Christian because he isn’t going to church for a few weeks or who tries to force him to do what she wants him to do when he really believes that studying is what he has to do.

      In my view, this is a great opportunity to support him, honor him and show him you are on his team and do whatever you can to make it easier for him to do well on his test and to be close to God – and realize that those two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

      I hope you will pray for him, encourage him, show gratitude for his work ethic, build him up and seek to bless him during this extremely stressful time in his life.

      Much love to you!

    2. Caryn,

      Thanks for sharing sister. I agree 100% with Peacefulwife in her advice. She hit the nail on the head. Ultimately, if your husband does drift further from God (which might not happen anyways), it won’t be criticisms or looks of disappointment that bring him back. I have seen women win their husbands over without a word, like scripture says, by their good conduct, honor, respect and love. Show your husband that you are 100% on his side and then pray for God to lead him and do His work in him. I love what Peacefulwife suggested to say. Absolutely.

      Trust the Lord sister. He is sovereign and He is in control. You follow Him in loving and supporting your man and let God do the rest. 🙂 God bless you!

    3. Ar the heart of this is the assumption that your husband is far from God. You can’t know your husband’s relationship with God, unless he chooses to share, and even then it may not be accurate.For instance, my style of prayer is praying many times in specific situations during the day, without any formal prayer time extremely beneficial. As a result my wife never actually sees me praying.It would be easy for her to assume that based on her observations I am far from God,when the exact opposite might be true.Your husband’s relationship with God is HIS relationship, and just as every child’s relationship is different, so every Christian’s relationship with God is different.

      1. Ted C,

        So true! Thank you very much for sharing a husband’s viewpoint here. We can’t know another person’s heart. And, he actually may he very close to God and feel that he is doing the most spiritually beneficial thing by seeking to provide well for his family. It would be irresponsible for him not to study for his big test. Maybe this is the only time he has to study?

        Thankfully, missing church for a few weeks doesn’t have to impact his faith or relationship with God at all. Is it ideal. No. And I am sure he would acknowledge that. But, it is temporary.

        What an incredible opportunity for a wife to demonstrate she is on his team and trust him and has faith in her husband. This is also a great chance for her to focus on the sovereignty of God over his life and hers, as well. God is able to bless her as she trusts Him in the midst if this time. 🙂

    4. Hi Caryn! I have an idea you could suggest. When we don’t go to a formal service we stream a service through a church that will broadcast live. We prefer Andy Stanley at Northpoint Online, but there are many to choose from. He can watch these anytime and they only take an hour or so of his time, which might be a good study break 🙂 DISCLAIMER: this is only a suggestion. I agree with the others that it’s not soul changing to miss a few weeks of church, so whatever you do, don’t pressure him !! 🙂 . .although, I’m like you and I feel withdrawal if I don’t:) I’ll say a prayer for you that it all works out 🙂

  7. The idol of people pleasing often makes us stand by everyone but our husbands. 🙁 It does not make sense but I used to do that. 🙁 At the start of my submission journey, I have realized my rold in the family as his helpmeet and as his teammate too. He needs my support and my full confidence in him even when and especially if things are not turning out the way he wants it to. We are ONE because of marriage. It does not make practical sense or biblical sense to go against your other half. We should be their better halves, not their bitter halves!

    Thanks for this reminder, April. 🙂

    Nikka

  8. Great post Chelsea, thank you! I can relate to NOT supporting my husband at times 🙁
    Some Sundays he says he needs to rest so we shouldn’t go to church. In the past I would be angry and show him that i disapprove his decision, or sometimes would “make noise/whine” until he gave in and we would go to church together.

    When i started on this journey to become a Peaceful wife, I began saying ‘okay babes, if you really want to rest then we won’t go to church even though I really wanted to go to church today’ (am i doing okay, April?) Most of the time he would decide to go to church after my graceful reply.

    But i am still struggling with all this. I think i expect too much from my husband. Like last night, he had a meeting at work so I had said I would go home using public transport and not wait for him. I finished work late and wanted to buy something in town so i ended up waiting for him (which he didn’t know). His meeting ended at around 7pm and he was surprised to find me sitting in the car. He said he had a case to prepare for and went back into his office. Can you believe I waited for 2 hours in the car for him?? i was soooo angry! yes, he had to prepare for court but after seeing me waiting for him i thought he would take his work home and prepare for his case at home! I have to confess that i could not talk to him and cried all the way home! i prayed and still could not speak to him. He made conversation asking me about my day but i gave one-word answers. He asked what was wrong and i said nothing because i wasnt ready to talk about it. Pliz help me! i don’t want to be the kind of moody wife who is not supportive but i cannot help it!

    1. Nothando,

      You know – you could also say, “I would really love to go to church today” – he may be ok with you going without him? If not, then, your answer was totally fine as far as I can tell. 🙂

      The car thing – I don’t think he would be able to read your mind. Maybe a text could have been helpful if that would not have interrupted his meeting? “Honey, I decided to wait in the car for you. Does that work? ;)”

      And, if you are upset, saying nothing is not really honest – and it was obvious you were upset. It could be helpful to say, “I’m feeling upset.” or “I’m feeling frustrated.” or “I’m feeling angry – but I probably should have let you know my plans had changed.” Or “I am upset. But maybe I shouldn’t have expected you to read my mind. That wasn’t really fair of me.” Or “I feel upset after waiting so long. I was surprised you didn’t take your work home. But, I should have asked for what I wanted and let you know my plans had changed instead of expecting you to read my mind.”

      Much love!!!!
      April

    2. Nothando, pleasure to meet you sister. Thanks for sharing. You know, you are doing the right thing by not nagging/whining your husband into going to church with you. I agree with Peaceful Wife that very sweetly loving on him, letting him know that whatever he decides is fine, but then asking him if it’s ok if you go alone is a good thing. I know at times when marriage has been shot at by the fiery darts of the enemy, I really need the refreshing in the Word, worshipping the Lord together and fellowship with my brothers and sisters in the Lord. We need that refreshment so that we can continue walking in the Spirit and be peaceful wives. Amen? So pray he will go with you but be willing to go alone if needs be.

      I totally understand your frustration and hurt. I don’t know if I would say that’s expecting too much of him, but I would say that our expectations sometimes get in the way of letting us be truly grateful for the good things we have. For example, there are many women around the world who have husbands who won’t work and support their families. These wives have to work double jobs to care for their kids while their husbands sit home watching TV. Some women have husbands who have lost jobs through no fault of their own but they are living in extreme poverty. Thinking of this makes up grateful that we have husbands who have jobs and are willing to work hard to support us.

      I would also encourage you that men view work totally different then women. Men place great importance on their work. It’s a manly thing. They are also often not as good at multi-tasking and can be more easily distracted. Perhaps he didn’t bring the work home because he’s got some stress about it and needed total focus?

      At the end of the day, we know our men won’t always be perfect or make the right choices. In those areas where they are rough around the edges, we need to be in prayer, trust the Lord, be graceful and do not let our emotions get the better of us. Forgive your husband without being asked. Choose to let this go and to move forward in love and honor. I encourage you to avoid the silent treatment. No marriage was ever helped by it but rather it only makes conflicts worse. Offer grace, sweetness, romantic love and let there be peace.

      God bless you sister! God’s going to bless you for having a heart that longs to be an awesome, peaceful wife. That’s wonderful!

      In Christ’s Love,
      Chelsea

  9. absolutely amasing post. i can only hope that someday i meet a woman with similar qualities like the women in these blogs.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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