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What is Attractive/Unattractive to Our Husbands?

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Greg and April at Magnolia Plantation, Charleston, SC – April 2013

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I am not an expert on this issue (or any issue)- unfortunately.  I am just a wife who loves Christ and longs to bring Him glory in everything. However – I do believe I have wisdom to share – and I am absolutely certain that there will be much discussion in the comments that may help fill in any gaps I may have in this post.

(I write primarily for wives who tend to be more Type A and controlling – if you are the opposite of that, this blog may not be a good fit for you. If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, please do not read my blog but seek godly, wise, biblical counsel ASAP! Please be safe!)

These are generalities.  They may not all apply to all men. What is most important is what is attractive to your particular husband!

Be sure that YOU are focusing on becoming the woman God desires you to be!

Some of these things  about being attractive to our husbands are things that wives can work on and change in themselves or things that God can change in us.  Some of these things are not things we can change as easily. Some things we cannot change at all. More than our trying to please our husbands or change “for them” – my prayer is that we will seek to please and honor Christ with our faith in Him, our abiding in Him, our obedience to Him, our being full of His Spirit and in the way we celebrate the gift of femininity He has given to us so generously.

This is my understanding  – it is all open to discussion.  Gentlemen, you are welcome to weigh in with your thoughts on this issue. I want to be sure I represent my brothers accurately. (these lists are not in any particular order of importance):

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THINGS THAT TEND TO BE UNATTRACTIVE TO HUSBANDS:

  • an unfeminine appearance or more masculine appearance
  • an argumentative, contentious spirit
  • a wife who says she is close to Christ, but whose life does not match her claim – who doesn’t have the fruit of God’s Spirit in her life
  • an uncontrollable tongue
  • insistence on pursuing her own “happiness” at his expense
  • an uncontrollable temper
  • masculine-looking clothing
  • no care or thought being given to her physical appearance
  • the expectation that he is there to serve her
  • a very loud or overbearing personality
  • a take-charge/domineering/bossy approach
  • a spirit that tries to control or change him or dictate to him what he “should” do
  • a total lack of ability to think for herself and a lack of her own opinions, beliefs, convictions and ideas
  • immodest dress in public (a wife who is trying to get other men to lust after her)
  • flirting with other men
  • PRIDE or arrogance
  • selfishness
  • an independent spirit that pushes the idea, “I don’t need you!”
  • specific ungodly mindsets from feminism
  • a desire to pressure, nag, push and force him into deeper commitment
  • lack of manners or rudeness
  • disrespect
  • a sense that he is her “project”
  • a trust in SELF instead of in God
  • idolatry of self, being in control, her husband, marriage, children, looks, weight, food, money or anything else!
  • coldness
  • vanity
  • insecurity about appearance or feeling loved
  • manipulation
  • demands
  • wide emotional swings (emotional lability)
  • mind-games
  • deception
  • materialism
  • a sense of entitlement
  • greed
  • brutal “honesty”
  • selfishness
  • self-righteousness – looking down on others
  • a critical/judgmental spirit
  • gossip
  • withholding sex
  • a belief that she should be his “Holy Spirit”
  • disloyalty
  • overuse of makeup/jewelry
  • extreme hairstyles
  • a promiscuous lifestyle and attitude

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April at Magnolia Plantation in Charleston, SC – April 2013

THINGS THAT TEND TO BE ATTRACTIVE TO HUSBANDS:

  • a lot of genuine smiling
  • classy, feminine clothing (skirts, dresses, flowing fabrics, etc)
  • meekness (“bridled strength” or strength under control)
  • self-control
  • authentic friendliness
  • affection
  • appreciation and a thankful heart
  • a pleasant/friendly facial expression and tone of voice
  • long hair (for a lot of men) – if possible, wear your hair the way he likes it when you can, just to bless him
  • receptiveness to his advances
  • receptiveness to his ideas
  • joyful desire for him during sex
  • honesty and truthfulness in a spirit of love
  • a desire to be his helpmeet and to bless and serve him
  • a cooperative spirit
  • admiration/respect
  • modest clothing in public
  • joy in being available to him sexually and in allowing him to cherish and treasure her body in the privacy of the marriage bed
  • youthfulness/a feminine figure/physical beauty (making the most of our appearance in a healthy, confident, godly way)
  • chastity
  • a willingness to be on his team
  • the ability to be “dependent” on him in a feminine, godly,  healthy way
  • humility
  • understanding that he has feelings and emotions and sensitivity to seek only to bless and not to wound him
  • a peaceful spirit from God
  • graciously receiving his compliments and gifts without arguing
  • kindness
  • general physical fitness (to a healthy, not obsessive degree)
  • good posture
  • a willingness to follow his leadership  (if your husband is demanding that you submit to him or “obey” him or is trying to coerce you into sin – that is not good!  Seek godly counsel ASAP!)
  • gentleness – in speech and in demeanor and in words and attitude
  • patience – in all things, including in waiting for him to commit or to propose
  • a friendly and curious desire to understand his heart, his perspective and his world
  • an interest in what is important to him
  • a willingness to encourage him to dream and pursue what God desires him to do
  • acceptance of him for who he is
  • loyalty – protecting him, not bashing him/criticizing him/disrespecting him to others (if you are in danger, then you do need to seek help, please!)
  • a strong belief and conviction that divorce will not be an option once she is married
  • a nurturing spirit
  • tasteful makeup (some men even prefer very little make up or none)
  • a purposeful rejection of worldly wisdom and the world’s ungodly ideas
  • compassion
  • the love of God in her heart
  • a deep desire to know God more, to find contentment in Him alone and to seek to joyfully live in total obedience to Him

 

59 thoughts on “What is Attractive/Unattractive to Our Husbands?

      1. April,

        Since the start of this journey, I must say that you look more radiant and all of just 22 years old nowadays in your pics! 😉 The real beauty really is inner beauty. It just comes out on your face. Praise God! 🙂

  1. Superb list, April. I would add “Appreciate him for the things he does, not disparage him for the things he doesn’t do.”

    I would also add that there should be a reciprocal perspective from the gents’ point of view, in that a good wives is a treasure to be cherished.

  2. April: I found your blog a couple of weeks ago. I’m in a new marriage having been divorced many years ago from an abusive husband. I’m blind in my left eye as a result of the abuse.

    My husband now is a godly man and I treasure him for his desire to continually strive to be close to God’s heart. In this marriage, I don’t want to make any mistakes and am taking the advice you present here along with the comments of others to be come the woman/wife that God wants me to be.

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey and helping us learn and obey God’s instruction for us to be wives of blessing to our husband. Many thanks to Greg for sharing his viewpoints of what he went through. It helps tremendously to understand his thought process/feelings are the changes were occurring.

    Cody

    1. Cody,
      I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered from your first husband. 🙁 That breaks my heart! I don’t EVER want anyone to be abused. 🙁

      I’m so glad you are with a godly man now. I pray God will continue to bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory.

      I agree – it is extremely helpful for us as wives to hear from the husbands’ perspectives.

      Much love my precious sister!

  3. Please pray for me:-)
    There is a lot of stuff going on in my heart that needs changing. I just need some earnest prayers, thank u.

    1. Sharon:
      You will definitely be in prayers. God has brought me through so many severe problems and HE can do the same for you. It probably won’t be the way you would expect; but His way is DEFINITELY the best way. Trust Him and do whatever he leads you to do. It can be painful at first; but it truly yields peace and freedom!!

      Cody.

      1. Ty u all for the prayers, I definately felt the prayers and God has rescued me from somuch, I praise him, prayer. Is a huge key in this walk.

  4. I find short hair and tattoos on a woman to be unattractive. Everything else was pretty much covered in the lists.

      1. You’re welcome April. It’s very encouraging to see how you, Nikka and all of the women on here are blessing their husband as God intended 🙂 This is true success so as we all struggle in life remember that a submissive wife is a successful, victorious wife! Blessings to you all and your husbands and may God grant me a woman of such quality on day! 🙂

        1. Sean,
          I pray for a godly wife and Christ-honoring marriage for you. Thank you for the encouragement. This is a TOUGH road for women to walk – we are kind of like pioneers in this wilderness of our culture, learning to become the wives God desires us to be. I appreciate the affirmation – and I know the other wives do, too.

  5. April,

    Thank you very much for these lists. It definitely gives us some very specific areas that we can address if we aren’t already. Or, interview our men to rate the importance of each one to him 🙂 God has blessed you with a very thorough mental process and I praise Him for that!

    I also want to thank you for including Rick’s list as well. I absolutely agree with you that we wives need to be extremely careful reading husband lists because it can be DEVASTATING to our ability to die to self and let go of expectations. Having said that, just as our Lord gives our husbands a desire for godliness and attractiveness in their wives, he so gives us wives the same desire for godliness and attractiveness in our husbands. He created us relationally this way. This list from Rick confirms for me that it’s okay for wives to desire (NOT EXPECT) these things from a godly spouse. It’s okay for us to talk to our Lord about these good things and state the desires of our hearts. As long as they are pleasing to Him and not done out of selfish (or hormonal!) ambition.

    And I LOVE the realistic human disclaimer at the end that reminds us that this is a lifelong journey and while some of these things come more easily to some of us, some others will also be a bit of work, for which our Lord does not requre perfection. If we could all just show a little grace to ourselves and our spouses, that would go such a long way to a peaceful marriage.

    1. Fallenshort,
      You are most welcome. I am glad this was helpful. 🙂

      I try not to post things about what husbands should do, because it can so easily throw wives into a very ungodly frame of mind. It can for me!

      I pray this post will be a blessing and maybe a starting point as we as wives seek to embrace godly femininity.

      1. Yeah, I can’t lie. There was definitely a little bit of me saying, ‘ooh, that’d be nice, ooh, yes, I’d sure like that. . .’ while reading through that list.

        And I’m sure if my husband read your list, he’d have those same reactions. . .i think that’s just human nature. . .

        I guess we just have to know going in that we are sinful in nature and we have to hold those thoughts captive and not give them a voice so that we are not motivated by selfish ambition. . .

        1. Fallenshort,

          It is VERY tempting to start feeling deprived if we read a list like that. Yes, I am sure it is human nature.

          I just do better to avoid things written for husbands. 🙂

    2. Amen, yes I must keep in mind how tough it is for women of God to learn submission 🙂 I have a difficult time enough as one man submitting to God let alone another person lol. You wives are real champions of the faith! Be blessed!

  6. I know you are coming from a place of helpfulness, but I feel this was a really unfair statement.

    youthfulness/a feminine figure/physical beauty

    1. You can not change your age.
    2. All women have a femenine figure by being born female. Women come in all shapes and sizes.
    3. You have what you are born with.

    I agree that men are attracted to what they percieve to be attractive ( eye of the beholder ). Just like women are. And different men will find different women attractive.

    But it is unhealthy to make being ” more beautiful” or “more attractive” motivation for self improvement. what is considered to be beautiful is never the same. It changes with time, place, and person. Also, a standard of beauty is often only attainable by a small minority.

    Evidence of this is all around us. Plastic surgery, eating disorders, beauty pagents/contests.

    It is important to be happy with who you are and to not be only concerned with how you look. Men are often attracted to women who are not riddled with insecurities or vanity.

    Taking care of yourself is important to be healthy and being healthy has lots of benefits, like feeling good about yourself. But healthy women don’t all look the same in the end. Same goes for men too.

    1. Julia,

      I agree that there are things we cannot change and that it is possible to turn some of these things into idols or unhealthy obsessions.

      I spent very little time on physical appearance, and I did talk about at the beginning that there are things we cannot control on the list. Just like, many women are attracted to tall men, but that would be an unchangeable thing for men.

      Physical appearance is important to most husbands. I don’t think I can change that. But yes, what is beautiful to one may not be to another. I don’t want any wife to see one line on a list in a blog and decide to have an eating disorder to try to be perfect in some unattainable way. What I hope is that women might be able to acknowledge that their husbands appreciate feminine appearance and beauty and find out what is important to their husbands and make some effort to please their husbands visually in a healthy way that shows respect for their husbands’ preferences.

      For many years, I just wore jeans and a tshirt, no makeup and a ponytail around Greg and never dressed up unless we were going out. Then, I cut my hair very short even though I knew Greg loved my hair long. That sent a message to him that he wasn’t very important to me. Now, I try to look decent when he comes home from work most of the time. I wear my hair down often because I know he likes it best that way. I wear skirts and usually am dressed as nicely for him as I would be if I were going out in public. He doesn’t force me or pressure me to dress up a bit for him, I just do it to bless him.

      Sometimes women want men to just not be visual. But, they are visual, most of them, to varying degrees. So, instead of us wanting them to change, maybe we could do something to seek to bless them – not to our own destruction – but just a bit of effort to show them they matter to us, that we respect our bodies, that we cherish our femininity and that we respect them.

      I didn’t say there is a specific size women should be. Most husbands do not expect their wives to be a size 2. Most husbands would just appreciate their wives putting forth a little effort with their appearance.

      I know this is an extremely sensitive issue for a lot of women. I don’t ever intend to hurt women. If this is an area that causes a lot of angst for a woman, she may need a godly mentoring wife or Christian counselor to talk with about it. If any women want to talk about this issue here, we can have a discussion about it. 🙂

      Thanks for the comment and for sharing your concern. 🙂

    2. Julia,

      That is a great point about men not being attracted to insecurities or vanity. I need to add those to the list! Thank you very much!

      I think if you look over the list again, most of it is about us being secure in Christ and content in who were are. I also don’t believe you will find that I am emphasizing only paying attention to appearance.

    3. Hi, Julia.

      I just want to say that I think what April meant is to” do the best you can with what God gave you.” 🙂

      For example…I know for me, being a little over 5 foot, I am never going to be tall and leggy and have a super lean, long figure. But I can still dress pretty with clothes that flatter my figure….

      And we cannot change our age! But we can do things that help us to look good FOR our age. Eat well, exercise, use moisturizer or eye cream or whatever we feel comfortable.

      But I have learned that ALL of that will not cover an ugly personality and inner person, which is what matters the most.

    4. You might find this of interest, Julia. I’ve known since high school that superficial exterior “beauty” in women was an initial attracting factor, but that how I perceived this was very quickly altered by a woman’s character. Young women regardless of appearance who had beautiful characters became more beautiful, and “attractive” young women who weren’t nice started to look – forgive me – a little ugly.

      I can’t say that this is the case with every guy, but it is with me.

      1. Navigator1965,

        Yes, a person’s godly character can make them radiant and make them more beautiful – or, a person’s ungodly character can cause even external beauty to lose its appeal.

        Thank you for your perspective! That was very helpful.

  7. I loved this article 🙂 I have noticed my husband loves when I dress up and take extra care of my appearance but he absolutelys hates to hear me talk about it. If I exercise all the time but do it for my health and not because I say I feel fat he is happy. But when I obsess over exercising but don’t do any extra he gets very irritated. I never understood this it’s the same with anything that has to do with my looks. He never wants to hear any kind of insecurity.

    1. Kara,

      A lot of men feel like how their wives look is a reflection on them. When a man’s wife looks (and acts) her best, he tends to enjoy that and appreciate that she makes him look even better. When a wife talks about feeling fat or ugly – it feels like a personal insult to husbands, sometimes. Check out the post by the husband about his wife’s body image issues.

      I know a number of husbands who deeply WISH their wives would graciously accept compliments from their husbands instead of arguing with them that they aren’t beautiful.

      Husbands tend to feel happy when their wives are happy and love for their wives to feel confident.

      I am not sure that many wives know just how deeply affected our husbands are by our appearance and our attitudes about our appearance.

      Maybe one of the guys would be willing to expound on that?

      1. Wow, I did not realize that a husband felt insulted if a wife was putting herself down. New eye opener and total game changer there!

        I know that my husband has always had little tolerance for comments of that kind and gets very frustrated quickly. He tells me he doesn’t even want to hear that kind of talk. I just thought he was afraid of ‘getting in trouble’ if he took part in the conversation.

        I did not realize he might feel that I was insulting his choice of a wife. Good food for thought.

        1. A Fellow Wife,

          If someone, anyone, disrespects a man’s wife – that was his choice in a spouse and it is difficult for a man not to take that as a personal insult.

          I know that I don’t like my children to insult themselves, either. I will say to them, “NO ONE is allowed to talk about my child like that!”

          Maybe we need to look a little more into this important topic. 🙂

  8. My wife has never been a small girl. She was however when we first met incredibly easy to be with, and talk to. Somewhere along the course of our marriage she got the idea that, I cared that she did not measure up to the world’s standard of beauty. Her spirit was beautiful to me, and I liked her body. I tell her she’s cute and she does the typical,”yeah right!”, or “Your deluding yourself” response. I only want her to realize, she can be attractive, even if she never measures up to the world’s standards of beauty, and if I think she’s cute , my opinion is the only one that matters, since until I’m gone from this world I’m the only one she’ll be married to. It would be like me telling her, I’m not good-looking, when she calls me handsome, or pointing out all the ways I’m lazy, when she compliments me on how hard I work.We can all do better at almost everything, but if our mate says they see something worthy of a compliment, let’s just accept that they see it, and that it’s there and accept the encouragemnt to do better.

    1. Ted,
      Thanks so much for sharing!
      I would love to see wives graciously accept their husbands’ compliments as gifts. It is a blessing to our husbands when we can do that. Very important topic!

  9. Wonderful list, April!
    I’ve been on the road to peacefulness ever since I read Love and Respect a couple of years ago. I found your blog about 4 months ago and it has been such a help to me!
    What a difference my changing attitudes have made in my marriage and in my relationship with the Lord! 🙂 I recently followed some advice of yours from another post and asked my husband if there was anything he’d like me to do differently that would please him and he replied, “Smile at me. I love that.” I admit I was surprised. At first I thought he was just giving me a “pat” answer, but he was completely serious. So now I make it a point to smile when I first see him in the morning and every time I walk into a room he is in. I greet him with big smiles when he arrives home and when I get home from work. I never realized how much of a blessing my smile is to my man! I have also taken it a step further: when we are out in public, I frequently look up at him in front of others and smile, smile, smile! I want everyone around me to know how happy I am with him. And he just GLOWS.

    1. W,

      I LOVE THIS!I hope you might allow me to share it on my PW FB page. SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Thank you very much for sharing. Sometimes, it is really just some very small things that make the biggest difference. 🙂

  10. I’d add two things to the list here; basic physical fitness and good posture. Not every woman is going to have a certain list of physical attributes, but she can make the most of what God gave her by developing a basic level of feminine strength and pose. Not a bad idea for a man, either.

    To draw the picture, watch an old movie, especially one with Fred Astaire. The old actors and actresses do not appear to be ones who can “rock the swimsuit look”, but they do have the basic physical strength and posture to command the attention of the whole room. That, or watch an athlete or someone trained in classical dance–without causing anyone to go into sin by falling into lust, they command the attention of the whole room simply because their walk is so graceful.

  11. Dear April,

    I trust you are well.

    Yesterday I got home after my husband and I was a little tired from my work out. I greeted him and he was telling me about his day while I grabbed something to eat.. along the way, he said to me with a smile on his face “Give me a Smile”… and I said, I thought I was smiling…, he said no… you haven’t smiled since you got back. I instantly smiled and felt bad inside. I have been watching your YouTube videos and I think I have about 48 more videos to go since I am new and doing some catching up. I have noticed that in almost 80% of your videos, you mention SMILE, THE POWER OF SMILING, and ASKING WITH A SMILE. Smiling seems to be really important to men and sometimes as women, we get so engrossed in everything else and we don’t pay as much attention to our non-verbal/body language. My husband has said to me a few times; do you realize how pretty you look when you smile?  I believe this is something I need to work more on.

    Last week Sunday, for the first time in years I covered my hair. I have read 1 Corinthians 11-6 in the past but I just moved passed it and didn’t meditate on it. A very long time ago, maybe about 4 years ago my husband said you should be covering your hair. He never said it again. So after I read the blog post about hair covering, I went into the word and read that verse again for myself. I asked him if he desired that I cover my hair and if he would be so kind to explain that scripture to me better. He said yes, he believes I should cover my hair to church but that he was never going to force me to do it. Hair covering is not a common practice where we worship, but we also attend another fellowship that practices hair covering.

    My goal is to serve and reverence God. I want to graduate from not expecting my husband to notice any change, give me positive feedback or any acknowledgements but to DO IT with all abandonment of self-gratification, knowing that it is unto Christ.
    Dear April, again I want to say thank you to you for this blog. Also thank God for using you to reach so many. It’s so refreshing to know that all of us are on this journey together to be godly women. I have used every opportunity to tell people married and single about this blog. I believe single people would also benefit from this blog because they are start practicing and preparing to be godly women/godly wives.

    God bless you, your home and all that you lay your hands to do. There is nothing on this blog that I have found that is false doctrine. We can all change our environment if we listen to the words you put out to us from God through this blog and your videos. I pray that God continues to keep you, strengthen you, and enlighten his word in your heart. I pray that whatever areas you need him to do a new thing; he will do as he is more than able. Amen

    A Huge Hug & Thank you from the United Kingdom.

    1. I Choose to Respect Him,

      I praise God for what He is doing in you! Smiling is a BIG thing! When we are filled with the joy and peace of Christ, it comes easily. But sometimes we don’t even realize we aren’t smiling much – so it is good to know that and to consciously think about it – not to be fake, but to bless others. 🙂

      I love your heart for God. So beautiful!

      Please pray that God might empower me to be completely faithful to Him. I never want to misspeak even one word. This is an awesome and humbling responsibility to minister to so many. I desire God to be pleased with every single word and every single motive in my heart.

      Much love!!!!! 🙂

  12. Dear April,

    I will have you in my prayers and yes I can imagine having to answer so many questions whilst making sure that what you are saying is godly. I believe that when God sends you on a journey, he also provides grace, wisdom, the resources and all that you would ever need.

    You can see from all the comments that God is truly using you to reach so many women all over the world and it’s truly a blessing. We all say I wish i knew this a long time ago, but i believe God uses our imperfections to his glory.

    God isn’t looking for perfect people; he is looking for people who will serve & seek him whole heartedly. David was imperfect but he was a man after Gods heart. Despite all his flaws and shortcomings… he always ran back to God.

    God bless you and keep up the good work!

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