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Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice – From the Archives

A REMINDER:

I write from the slant of a wife who was dominating, Type A personality, take-charge, controlling, overly responsible, overly “helpful” and prideful with a passive husband. If you tend to be too quiet or have a very dominant husband, my slant may not be the angle you need because you are going to have to correct from the opposite direction. If your husband is abusive, my blog will probably not be a good fit for you – the things I talk about with respect and biblical submission in a normal marriage may be triggers for abused women.  I don’t want to cause any wife harm! Please seek godly help if you are not safe or if you have severe issues in your marriage. Thanks!

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This is a continuation of the post two days ago about how wives tend to have VERY specific and high expectations of exactly what it means to be a spiritual leader – and how many of the things we expect aren’t even biblical.  Not only that – but our expectations can lead to grave sin in our hearts (contempt, bitterness, resentment, disrespect, rebellion against our husbands or God, divisions, factions, fighting, hatred – and ultimately lost unity in our marriages and families).  When our children (and those around us) witness a marriage like this, they are repelled from Christ.

Let’s look at ways that many husbands actually DO try to lead in their families.

There is a good chance that your husband is trying to lead you (or used to try to lead) – but – are you listening?  Are you following?  Do you  acknowledge his attempts at leadership?

In real life, husbands tend to lead in “subtle” ways.  They don’t usually announce – “We will now begin our 6:30pm nightly Bible study time.  Here is an outline of the books of the Bible we will be covering for the next 12 months.  There will be  a test every week and here is a list of all the Bible verses I expect each family member to memorize each week.  You will all be graded. There will be an essay question once a month, with extra credit options.”

I think sometimes we as wives tend to expect our husbands to stand in front of our families like a pastor and preach or like a Sunday School teacher and teach for 1 hour every night.

I would like to suggest, that MOST husbands don’t follow that type of style, but they often DO try to lead their families in many ways, especially if they have a wife who is supportive, cooperative and full of real admiration and faith in them.

EVERY HUSBAND IS UNIQUE

Each husband has his own style, personality, perspective, gifts and strengths.  Each one will have his own particular brand of leadership – and it will change as he grows and matures.  But keep in mind that NO husband arrives to marriage completely spiritually mature and with a total grasp on godly leadership.  Godly maturity and leadership are developed over many years, decades even.  And the more we cooperate and support our husbands’ attempts at godly leadership, the more quickly they will learn and grow and honor God.

Also – remember that for a husband to be a great leader – HE HAS TO HAVE A GREAT FOLLOWER.  If you are trying to lead – you are not following.  If you are busy criticizing, you are not following.  It’s time for us to learn to be supportive, encouraging, godly, loyal and faithful followers! (I Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:5, I Timothy 3:5 – be sure to compare EVERYTHING I or anyone else says against God’s Word!)

MY HUSBAND’S BRAND OF LEADERSHIP

This section is a description of my husband’s particular style and how our marriage works now.  Your marriage WILL look different.  That’s ok.  Follow YOUR husband’s leadership and appreciate his strengths.  Admire and thank him often for what he does for you and your family.

My husband leads first of all by example.  Even when I was so disrespectful and controlling – my husband was often peaceful, forgiving, patient, kind, generous and loving.  Back then, I thought I was so spiritually mature and “above” him because I read my Bible daily, I prayed a LOT (sometimes 4 hours/day), I wrote my prayers in a notebook, I could quote lots of scripture, and I “knew” how things should be.  But I held grudges, didn’t forgive, was very impatient, rude, condescending, holier-than-thou, disrespectful, prideful and was committing constant idolatry –  putting my own self and trying to have control up as idols in my heart.  I also put my husband and our marriage as idols in my soul.  And I didn’t even see it.  Like Eve, I was so blind and deceived, but I thought I knew best.  Imagine the blessings and miracles I missed out on for 15 years because of my disobedience to God’s Word and the sin I cherished for so long in my heart.

My husband leads in more subtle ways that I used to miss:

  • He gives me direction and guidance.  Often what he is saying is really God’s Word to me – if I will but listen and cooperate.  My husband may say, “I think you are spending too much time blogging.  I want you to take a break and spend some time with the family for awhile.”  THAT IS SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP, LADIES!  Or he may say, “I think you need to take a nap today.  You haven’t been getting enough sleep and I can see you are really worn out.”  I am wise when I listen to his suggestions.  The whole family benefits from my husband’s wisdom and leadership.
  • He helps me say no to unhealthy commitments.  He sees where I get out of balance or zealous to do something that might take too much of my energy and leave me drained with nothing but scraps for my family.
  • He disciplines our children.  My husband may be more strict or harsh with our children than I am.  Or sometimes, he may be more relaxed with them than I am.  But his powerful influence on our children is a HUGE way that he leads spiritually in our family.   If I cooperate with him, tell him my feelings and perspective, but trust him to handle situations as he sees best – my children learn real discipline, they learn to have godly character, they see the unity in our marriage and they see my example of how to submit to God-given authority.  My example is the standard upon which  they will base their own future submission to God and God-given authority.
  • He desires physical intimacy with me (especially once he felt genuinely respected by me).  God designed sex to be the glue that holds a married couple together physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Both the husband and wife are bonded to one another during the one flesh relationship with a cocktail of neurotransmitters and endorphins (a natural “high”).  And sex unifies the married couple spiritually in ways we can’t begin to fathom.  It helps to keep divisions away.  It removes tension and helps promote forgiveness.  This needs to be a HUGE priority whenever physically possible in marriage.  And I count this as one of the ways my husband gently leads me and creates a very loving, strong, tight-knit, unified, vibrant, flourishing marriage relationship.  It’s important to stop serving the family and just enjoy and savor each other.  Kind of like our quiet time with God rejuvenates our soul.  Relationship and intimacy is much more important than my to-do list.
  • He handles the salesmen and solicitors.
  • He gently confronts sin in me when he sees it.
  • He tends to see the big picture.  My husband doesn’t get bogged down in every little detail like I tend to do.  Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with all the daily little details and having my husband there to help me step back and look at the bigger picture saves my sanity many times!
  • He takes care of his own spiritual connection with God.  He decides how, when, where he reads the Bible and prays.  He seeks God’s will for his life and our family.  He prefers to pray privately – I support him and don’t try to force him to pray out loud with me like I used to.
  • He doesn’t get swayed by emotions like I do.  There are definitely times when my hormones and emotions completely engulf me and I feel like I am drowning.  My husband is my rock and is able to pull me up onto dry ground.  There are times when I know I can’t rely on my feelings, and during those stormy days, I trust my husband’s words, his love for me, God’s Words and His love for me – and I don’t trust my feelings.  I keep my eyes on Christ and I keep my eyes on my husband and hang on tight, knowing that my feelings will settle down in a few days.  I don’t allow myself to be tossed about by my hormones and feelings.  I trust God and my husband and don’t lean on my own understanding.  My faith in Christ and my man are much greater now than my faith in my own wisdom or my emotions.  My husband can pull me up onto the rock of his steady soul and he is a resting place, a safe place for me.
  • He takes responsibility and is accountable for the ultimate decisions.  It took time for this to happen – over the course of a few years as I let things go and allowed him to lead.  This is a HUGE relief for me!  I couldn’t carry all that weight.  It overwhelmed me before.  Now, I am so FREE!  I can share my perspective, my feelings and desires, but then I trust my husband and God to work out each decision for what is in my best interests.  I can’t always see what is best.  When I try to lead, I take us the wrong way. I feel such weight off my soul since I know HE is the one who will answer to God, not me.  What a blessing!  I feel safe, protected and cherished.
  • He handles the finances now.    I took care of the finances for the first 16 years of our marriage or more.  And that was ok.  But it ended up that I was telling my husband what to do (when my hours were suddenly cut at work) – and that didn’t really work well.  I told my husband, “I can’t handle the finances anymore.  Here are the accounts and passwords.  Thank you for taking over.”  And then I left it with him and never touched it again.  He is saving us money in ways I had never even thought about!  And he feels the full weight of his accountability this way.  So he makes very wise decisions.  Also, he is able to treat me by taking me out to dinner or buying me things and I’m not telling him, “You can’t do that” anymore.  He is MUCH more generous with me AND even more responsible now that he is in charge!
  • He drives when we are together.
  • He gives me the better vehicle.
  • He encourages me to rest and relax – two things I am REALLY AWFUL AT DOING!
  • He researches books on marriage for me and buys me lots of books about respect, biblical submission, godly femininity and godly marriage.  He lets me share what I am learning and he listens and discusses things with me and shares his insights and perspective.
  • He takes time for himself to recharge.  Unlike a lot of us wives, husbands are usually careful to have some down time so that they don’t burn themselves out.  I really admire this about men!  And he encourages me to slow down and just savor cuddling together and being together without running around like a crazy woman all the time.  That has been very healing for my soul!
  • He has fun with me and our children.  This creates a much more healthy balance for all of us than my constant seriousness did.  He definitely brings an amazing balance to our family that I was not able to bring when I tried to be in charge.
  • He stays calm and collected under pressure.  His ability to face difficulties with dignity, poise, strength, courage and self-control helps me be able to have those same qualities, too!
  • He is my compass.  If I am having a particularly difficult time with our children, I will ask my husband if he thinks I am being too hard on them, or unreasonable, or if he thinks I am being too easy on them.  His perspective helps me steer straight and not veer off too far one way or the other like I am prone to do on my own.
  • He makes the final decision.  I am free to suggest anything, to ask for anything, to want anything, to feel any way.  And most of the time, my husband does what I ask since he loves to see me happy.  But if we don’t agree – I willingly and cheerfully cooperate with his call on that issue.  If he made a mistake, I don’t hold it against him.  I trust God to use even his mistakes for our ultimate good.  I thank him for his decisions and for looking out for the best interests of everyone in the family.
  • He is the one I go to first.  Whether it is good news, or a decision that must be made, or awful news – I call/text/email/talk to my husband FIRST about things.  I seek out his opinion and his wisdom before I make decisions.
  • He does a lot of behind the scenes work on my blog. 
  • When I am confused about something – I go to him.  He also is always willing to listen and talk with me about issues that come up and spiritual topics – whether they are things I am writing about or situations people are in or family situations at home.
  • He listens to my desires and concerns but ultimately he decides what church we go to and when we go to church and what classes we attend and how involved we are.
  • He gives me quite a bit of freedom to make many of my own decisions. He doesn’t micromanage me.
  • He decides how to use his time.  He decides what house project he wants to work on and when.  He decides his own priorities.
  • He arranges our vacations and finds great deals on them.
  • He handles all of the gift buying for our children.
  • He says, “no” or “wait” to me when what I want to do looks like it will cause problems down the road.  That is a way that he protects me and our family. The times he has said, “no” – I have almost always been able to see in hindsight that what I wanted to do would have been a big mistake.  I’m so thankful he is willing to stand for his convictions even if I don’t agree at the time.

There are other ways, too.  But maybe this will give you a few things to think about.

1. What are some ways your husband leads you?  You are welcome to share!

2. Gentlemen, what are some ways you try to lead in your marriage and in your families?  What is your definition of spiritual leadership and what do you believe God calls you to do?

RELATED:

A Husband Answers – “Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”

19 thoughts on “Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice – From the Archives

  1. Thanks April
    This was so helpful
    I am amazed at how you were able to search your heart and put all these ways about your husband down, it must be very handy to go read when you might be “having a moment” 🙂

  2. Still waiting for (and wondering if I will ever experience) that moment when the following is true of me – “Both the husband and wife are bonded to one another during the one flesh relationship with a cocktail of neurotransmitters and endorphins (a natural “high”). And sex unifies the married couple spiritually in ways we can’t begin to fathom.”

    Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the physical relationship with him and I know he feels more closely connected afterwards. I just don’t get any bonding out of the experience! My strongest connection and sense of bonding with him still comes from times when we get lost in conversation with one another. My “Love Language” is very definitely quality time!

    1. moj8668,
      I love bonding through deep conversation, too! 🙂

      Maybe you can pray that God will help you find ways to bond through physical connection, too? Maybe you can focus on thinking of looking for how bonding it is? Our thoughts are very powerful! If you start talking to yourself about what an intimate, precious, holy, sacred, beautiful experience sex is and what a gift it is that he desires you in this way – maybe it could help change your thought patterns? Like – focusing on Philippians 4:8 things about sex, and things to be thankful for about it?

      Not sure if it would help – but it is a thought.

      Much love!

      1. There is some emotional healing that needs to take place as well. In the distant past, hubby has struggled with “adult entertainment”. It hasn’t been an issue for years (Praise God!) but as a woman who has been a plus sized girl most of her life, I still struggle with living up to the images I know he saw. There was also a time early in our relationship when we would have an argument, hubby would ask to table it till the next day and we’d go to bed. I’d still be hurting and then I’d see “the look”. Oy. That definitely does NOT help one to connect love and bonding with the physical act between husband and wife. We have been anything but loving to each other, I’m still stinging from the things he said and my own guilty conscience and he can just set all of that aside.

        He and I have spoken in-depth about this and he is being extremely supportive. But I wonder – am I a horrid wife if sex is NEVER a bonding experience for me?! I do enjoy it and I ALWAYS participate enthusiastically. No matter how I try, it does not make me feel as close to him as time spent in conversation with him does!

        1. moj8668,

          I think that the emotional scars you have had may have a lot to do with your feelings. But – I also think it is an interesting thing to think about the fact that for a lot of husbands, talking and emotional “connectedness” does not feel like bonding at all to them. But we want them to do it with us!

          So, I think you may possibly be able to heal and move towards enjoying things more. Men are often able to compartmentalize sex in ways that we as women cannot – having sex when we are angry or hurt, for example, can be really difficult for us, but not for them many times.

          But there may be some differences where you may not feel bonding during sex. That isn’t necessarily wrong. He may not feel bonding during talking. That isn’t wrong, either. It is different. Hopefully you will each continue moving towards each other and be willing to meet the other’s need. 🙂

          Thanks so much for sharing!

          1. Thank you for this post 🙂 I have opened my eyes more to the ways my husband is a leader. He is an unbeliver who says he is one day open to religion. So I just assumed that makes him a bad leader. But with your post I can see how he has been a good leader he will give me good advice on how to handle work, sleep, friends, family, and his advice has always been better than what I wanted to do. I just have always been very rebellious and just recently I have been allowing him to lead and I see how it has affected him and i in an amazing way. I’m still struggling with respect but I’m listening more to his leadership and being a better follower. We talked yesterday about me drinking wine on a daily basis and he told me to stop and I did not have a glass before bed last night. I am fasting today for lunch and I feel like this can be the next step into submitting to God in obedience and to submitting to my husband. I feel an excitement to be obedient. Never thought I would feel that lol. Thank you for giving me a place to share and grow 🙂

          2. Kara,

            WOOHOO!!!!!!!

            I thank God for what He is doing in your life. This is the path that you MUST take if your husband is going to be able to hear God himself in time. I am so glad you can see some good leadership skills in your husband. If he is not asking you to clearly sin – God is able to lead you through your unbelieving husband. He leads entire nations through unbelieving kings and presidents. He is sovereign! Even over your husband. 🙂 I’m so proud of you for listening to your husband’s leadership and I hope you will thank him for what he is doing and for sharing his wisdom with you and I pray you will be cooperative with him and listen for the ways God wants to speak to you through your husband.

            Being obedient to God and full of His Spirit IS THE MOST EXCITING THING ON EARTH! It is the only place where you can have the fruit of His Spirit – His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. It becomes the most amazing adventure to see what God will do each day. I am so excited that you are seeking God with all your heart and that you desire to live a life of holiness and obedience for His glory.

            It doesn’t get better than that!

            Much love to you!
            April

  3. Wow, April. Our lives could be parallel. Of course, I am abit older. I WAS a lot like you WERE. Thankfully, I no longer have identity with that female. I do thank Father for His grace and lonnnnnggg mercy as I went through the metamorphosis from being a sub-consious feminist to daily striving to be the woman of God my husband deserves. Many times, if we wives would just get our pride and arrogance out of the way, we will actually see our husbands have our best in mind. Our job is to pray for them, respectfully offer opinions, support their decisions, and be submissive. It is daily dying to self, renouncing the spirits not of God, and walking in His plan for our lives. He wants us all to live in freedom s we can be effective for His Kingdom here on earth. Blessings!

    1. Kathy,
      It is wonderful to meet you! I love hearing a bit about your story. You are always welcome to share any time. 🙂 I am sure God could use you to greatly encourage many wives who are still beginning this journey.

      Amen!!!!!! Amen!!!!!

      Much love
      April

  4. Thank you for this April. My husband does many things like this too and it is so easy not to notice. Luckily I do notice, most of the time, at least after the fact.

    It is absolutely amazing how my husband has stepped up since I started submitting. I am far from perfect, but progressing every day. Thank God. I love seeing my husband flourish.

  5. Me and my husband are Christians and love god deeply I have been studying scripture more then ever lately and have been becoming closer and closer to god. When me and my husband get into arguments ( which has been a lot lately) and I feel I need to leave , but I am safe to stay he usually asks me too stay but I am so hurt and uncomfortable being at “home” should I follow his leadership or make my own decision in those cases?

  6. Hi Peacefulwife,

    Are husbands expected to be practical leaders or spiritual leaders?

    It just seems like the list you gave in your post are mostly practical leadership.

    Is one better than the other?

    1. heart,

      Here is a recent post about male spiritual leadership. The passage refers specifically to male church leadership – but it is the best definition of male spiritual leadership I can find in Scripture. Of course, the passage I share in the post contains requirements for male church leadership – but these would be noble goals for husbands/fathers to strive toward as well.

      See if this might be helpful. 🙂

      Both are necessary – the spiritual and the practical. But our definition and expectations as women about our husbands’ spiritual leadership is often what gets us in a lot of trouble.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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