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Nikka’s Second Interview with Her Husband

At a Family Outing in Pampanga – Feb 2012
Nikka Alejar is my dear friend and sister in Christ from the Philippines who has started a blog www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com.  I plan to feature a post from her once a week on Wednesdays.  I am so thrilled about what God is doing in her life and marriage.  What a joy to get to watch this story unfold for God’s glory!
ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE:
I am going to be on an email vacation through next Monday.  Thanks for understanding!  You may comment on posts – I hope you will encourage and bless one another.  Much love to all of you!  -April
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FROM NIKKA:
he told me that he “felt like a failure” for not making me “happy.After that interview I wanted to ask him further but decided to hold it off for a later time. It was a heavy topic and remembering past hurts was not my idea of a happy birthday. (The interview was done on my birthday. :)While my husband was busy with the computer yesterday, I went beside him, with  pen and paper in hand, to conduct our second interview.This was a heartbreaker. 🙁

Dong, bringing me to my hosting stint in Cainta Rizal – April 2012

Nikka: Why was it that you withdrew emotionally from me before, so much so that I thought you did not have feelings?

Dong: Self-preservation. I did not want to be blamed. I was feeling helpless.

You were just always playing your video games and I thought you did not care about anything. You were too quiet and would not talk to me about what was bothering you.

To tell you my feelings would have been a sign of weakness. I didn’t want to just bawl in front of you. I still had my pride (as a man). I didn’t want you to take away from me the only thing that I was holding on to…. and yet, you still argued with me.

There were times when you would tell me that you were willing to ‘let me go’, since you have already fulfilled your part in helping conquer my eating disorder/making me feel more self-confident , and that I was free to look for a man who could provide for me…

Because you looked SO unhappy. I felt that I could not do anything for you anymore. In my mind, I already did my role, you could leave me already.

Dong bringing me to another hosting stint – July 2012


You told me before that  you wished you were “more normal” but that you were just “too simple”…

You remember all these things?! I have forgotten some of the things I’ve said already.

I have a great memory! I also made a mental note to ask you about these eventually. I just did not know it was to happen now, because I have already changed…

(Answers my question.) I said that because ordinary people (men with 9-to-6 jobs) seemed to go through their lives without problems. I felt that if only I could be happy being a regular guy, YOU would be HAPPY. 

(Editor’s Note: Dong has had a string of jobs. None of which really fulfilled him. He is by heart a businessman,but he said just recently that if his businesses did not flourish, he would take on any job, no problem, but he just wants to pursue (and be supported by me!) in his plans first.)

In one emotional moment in the past, you told me before that  you were afraid I might leave you and the family any time to pursue my career…

Because you were joy-less. You were always unhappy. You were always in search of something and it seemed to me that you were not finding it at home…

Why is my happiness SO important to you?

I ask myself that too. Why is your happiness important to me? Why can I just NOT care? (We both laugh.) You know what? It is just my nature to make you happy…   

If you base my life on pictures, I looked “happy”. I even think I was actually “happy” (most of the time, especially when in public). It is my nature to be cheerful and giggly.

New Year’s Eve – 2012

What my husband was referring to was the quiet type of joy. The type of joy that was peaceful. The type of joy that did not need a BIG event with plenty of people and fancy dressing up. He was referring to me, being “happy“, while just being with him and our kids. That kind of still joy, I did not possess, because I was always worrisome and restless.

I am guilty of all that he mentioned above. 🙁

was unhappy. With him. With how I felt he SHOULD be. With how I felt he SHOULD act. With how I felt he SHOULD think. With how I felt he SHOULD run our family. I was unhappy with almost everything about him! 🙁 Although, in my defense, I really did LOVE him.

To Dong, his equation was:

Nikka is happy. = I am successful.

To me, my equation was:

Dong is successful. = I am happy.

If I am happy, Dong thinks he already is a success! Well, we all know how MY EQUATION will work out for me. No matter how “successful” Dong gets, I will still be unhappy. We humans are a bottomless pit of discontentment. We were wired to always be restless. We were made to find rest only in God alone.

What I also failed to see was how I was contributing to him not being able to LEAD our family. What I did was I got the “reins” from him, insisted on “running the show”,  and had the nerve to complain about him not being proactive, taking initiative or leading. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too!

Our firstborn Therese eating a cheesecake I baked. 🙂

What I failed to do too, was to search my heart for my own sins – of pride, of envy (towards other women having “more motivated” husbands), of bitterness and resentment. Mine was full of sins and yet I was quick to point out his “numerous” sins!

Counting other people’s sins does not make you a saint.

I did not know that then.

But I know that now. 🙂

After the interview, my husband and I ate dinner and talked some more about light topics this time. Topics that made us laugh and bond. My heart was happy just having him around. 🙂

My prayer is that fellow wives who are just like I was: dominant, opinionated, self-righteous and proud — will find it in them to STOP, SEARCH THEIR HEARTS and REPENT. It’s never too late!

Only then will God be able to work from within.

When we are so full of ourselves, the Lord has no space to work within our hearts. That’s why He said,

Photo from Howard Carter‘s blog

May we all be richly blessed! 🙂

23 thoughts on “Nikka’s Second Interview with Her Husband

  1. I know this may be a little off topic…but I could use some advice. I have been in this process of change for about a year now and my dh is very pleased with where we are now but he is still waiting for it to go back to the way it was. He wants to know why I was so disrespectful, controlling, unsubmissive, etc for the last 14 years. I don’t know what to tell him except for I didn’t understand the roles in marriage. He is far from God right now so I try to stay off the subject as much as I can. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

    1. anon,

      The reasons we were disrespectful, controlling and unsubmissive are multi-faceted:

      – the sinful nature was in control
      – we had self and/or control and/or our husbands as idols
      – we didn’t understand God’s sovereignty
      – we didn’t realize that we were being disrespectful
      – we believed we had the right to demand our husbands submit to us (because of our idolatry and disobedience and lack of understanding of God’s design)
      – we absorbed many lies of our culture
      – we didn’t understand our men or how they think or that we hurt them
      – we didn’t know how to change
      – we didn’t have the power of God’s Spirit in control (either because we hadn’t accepted Christ or we were cherishing sin)

      It will take a long time for your husband to trust that this is real and permanent. I talked to Greg last night about that very thing! It was about 3.5 years into my journey before he felt safe with me.

      Are these things you can talk with him about right now if he is far from God?

      I don’t know – that will depend on how the Holy Spirit prompts you. But, if he is serious about wanting to understand, you can definitely share these things with him, or, I have some posts he may be interested in reading if you want some links.

      Much love!

      1. Oh!

        And, most women have had ZERO godly examples of what it means to be a godly wife – even in the church, many times today. Plus the examples in the media show disrespect for men/husbands as being “normal.”

        1. Thank you so much for your response. There are so many things I regret and wish I would have understood many years ago. Another thing my dh talks about is what do we teach our kids so that they do not have to go through what we have? I think this is one of the biggest reasons he wants to understand why i did what i did. We have an 11 yr old daughter and 6 yr old son.

          1. Anon, I would like to add a little something from a husbands perspective. You believe he is far from God. I believe it’s entirely possible, he may not be willing to share how his relationship with God is. One of the scariest things in my life was telling my wife I was returning to living by faith. Why? Because I was afraid she would use it against me. I would encourage you to assume you don’t know where his heart towards God. It may be closer than you think.

          2. Yeh, great topic! Would like to hear also more about that. Our judgement can be sooo false, just because a man decided not to share his deepest thoughts and experiences any more. There might be going on a lot between him and GOD… And when GOD gives me suddenly a glimpse of what a deep thinker he really is, it is humbleing sooo much. How prideful i can be!

          3. Daniella,

            Yes, a man’s silence does not mean he is not hearing God. I have learned that with my own husband, for sure! Just because he doesn’t talk about things like I do, doesn’t mean he isn’t experiencing things with God.

            Thank you so much for sharing!

          4. I used to think that way until about a month ago when he told me he didn’t believe in God or the bible anymore. His reasoning was because he always tried to do right by me and the rest of his family and it gets him no where. (He grew up in a very emotionally abusive home with alcoholics and addicts as parents) how could God do that to him? When he always tried to do the right thing…This is why he says he doesn’t believe. I am still hoping and praying that he still does somewhere deep down inside. He really is great husband and father!

          5. Anon,
            We will pray together for God to open his eyes. And for you to walk in His power and to bless your husband, that your life might be part of how God draws him back to Himself. God doesn’t want any child to be abused. His parents will be accountable to God for those sins – I pray they might find forgiveness and healing in Christ themselves!!

          6. Hi anon2326!

            Nice to ‘meet’ you! 🙂

            There was a time that my husband was devout in his morning prayers, reciting the Psalms by heart. Then, when I got into my most controlling behavior, one day, the prayers just stopped. He also did not like to go to Church anymore and although he was still a believer, he began having doubts already and being pessimistic about the Faith.

            I hold myself responsible for most of it, because that was the time too when I was preaching so much to him about God and yet if you looked at MY life, I was acting as if there was no God! 🙁 I was always depressed, fearful, worried, tired, cranky, joyless. If there was a God, then why was I, who claimed to love God, so negative and yucky? I think that turned him off a lot. I was a ‘false advertisement’ of this Loving God.

            Sometimes, other people look to US to see God, and not finding it there, lose their faith in Him. Of course, they will be accountable to their own sins later on, but it is important to note that OUR own walk with Christ is being looked at closely by those who are losing their way or are wayward in theirs. It may be that they think we are “spiritually superior” to them, and seeing how Christ-less we are in our behavior (although we may be blind to it), instead of Christ-like, that repels them big-time. It may lead them to conclude that there is no God. 🙁

            He sounds like a good husband! He’s a keeper! 🙂

            God bless you and I will also include you in my prayers. 🙂

            Nikka

          7. And just to add, since I started my submissive journey, my husband has again started going back to church. He even put up an app in our computer so I can have my daily Bible readings. 🙂 My husband has always been a believer but I think he also was looking to me, to fortify his. When I was living a life of contradiction (Christian but was always joyless), that was when he started waning in his faith. As husband and wife, we should really boost each other’s faith in God. We have separate walks of faith, but being ONE because of marriage, it is most likely that one might trip if the other is weak.

  2. I am kind of in the same boat job-wise. My husband is kind of his own boss but we recently found out we’re having another baby! With one in high school and one in junior high, we thought we were done. Lol. But he’s stressed and worried about not being a stable provider. I work from home and will take a maternity leave and nurse. And I know we can make it. I don’t know how, I just know we will. But how can I help his worries about not being a good provider? I hate to see him stressed. Any advice welcome.

    1. Hi Sandy!

      Nice to ‘meet’ you! 🙂 Congratulations on the additional bundle of joy! 🙂

      Any upcoming birth or addition to the family at first, causes a bit or a great deal of stress – “How can we provide for the new baby? He/she is another mouth to feed… , how can we afford to pay college tuition?” etc.etc… but it is ultimately about trusting God, Who blessed you with another baby, to take care of you. Trusting Him that as a steward of His child, He will not leave you nor forsake you.

      If my advice is any worth, maybe this is the perfect time to assure your husband that whatever income he or that the both of you will earn, together, you will and can make it work. There might be material sacrifices involved (ex.not buying that new car or not going on that luxury trip) but you CAN make it work.

      The world say “Children are a burden.” God’s Word says children are one of the greatest blessings He can give a couple. (Psalm 127:3-5).

      My husband and I also underwent some periods of worrying last year when I was pregnant with our 4th. But when Isabelle came out, all that worrying proved senseless. And you know what? God provided! No sooner had Isabelle come out than we were able to sell off our property. The one that we have been unsuccessfully selling for the past 7 years. See how God’s Timing is perfect? Even when we worry a bit, but still trust in Him, He makes “all things work together for good”! How much more if we do not fret at all and just leave it ALL in His Able Hands? 🙂

      I will include your pregnancy in my prayers. God bless you and your family, Sandy. 🙂

  3. Thank you so much for this! What really hit home for me was Husband is successful = I am happy. This was me! ( And something I work daily on, trusting God to lead my husband) God showed me not only was I hindering my husband being successful but also He was not going to bless us as long as I was disobedient. I see so much more now how my husband really wants me to be happy. Before there was so much tension with my controlling that he shut down and I thought he didn’t care anything about me or my happiness.

    1. Hi Daisy Mae!

      Nice to ‘meet’ you. 🙂

      We are blessed to have husbands whose happiness is making us happy. 🙂 I did not see that for what it was before when I was too prideful and judgmental of him.

      We are all a work in progress, but with God’s Help we can win against our old controlling selves.

      God bless you and your loving husband,

      Nikka

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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