|Dong, bringing me to my hosting stint in Cainta Rizal – April 2012|
Nikka: Why was it that you withdrew emotionally from me before, so much so that I thought you did not have feelings?
Dong: Self-preservation. I did not want to be blamed. I was feeling helpless.
You were just always playing your video games and I thought you did not care about anything. You were too quiet and would not talk to me about what was bothering you.
To tell you my feelings would have been a sign of weakness. I didn’t want to just bawl in front of you. I still had my pride (as a man). I didn’t want you to take away from me the only thing that I was holding on to…. and yet, you still argued with me.
There were times when you would tell me that you were willing to ‘let me go’, since you have already fulfilled your part in helping conquer my eating disorder/making me feel more self-confident , and that I was free to look for a man who could provide for me…
Because you looked SO unhappy. I felt that I could not do anything for you anymore. In my mind, I already did my role, you could leave me already.
|Dong bringing me to another hosting stint – July 2012|
You told me before that you wished you were “more normal” but that you were just “too simple”…
You remember all these things?! I have forgotten some of the things I’ve said already.
I have a great memory! I also made a mental note to ask you about these eventually. I just did not know it was to happen now, because I have already changed…
(Answers my question.) I said that because ordinary people (men with 9-to-6 jobs) seemed to go through their lives without problems. I felt that if only I could be happy being a regular guy, YOU would be HAPPY.
(Editor’s Note: Dong has had a string of jobs. None of which really fulfilled him. He is by heart a businessman, but he said just recently that if his businesses did not flourish, he would take on any job, no problem, but he just wants to pursue (and be supported by me!) in his plans first.)
In one emotional moment in the past, you told me before that you were afraid I might leave you and the family any time to pursue my career…
Because you were joy-less. You were always unhappy. You were always in search of something and it seemed to me that you were not finding it at home…
Why is my happiness SO important to you?
I ask myself that too. Why is your happiness important to me? Why can I just NOT care? (We both laugh.) You know what? It is just my nature to make you happy…
If you base my life on pictures, I looked “happy”. I even think I was actually “happy” (most of the time, especially when in public). It is my nature to be cheerful and giggly.
|New Year’s Eve – 2012|
What my husband was referring to was the quiet type of joy. The type of joy that was peaceful. The type of joy that did not need a BIG event with plenty of people and fancy dressing up.
He was referring to me, being “happy“, while just being with him and our kids. That kind of still joy, I did not possess, because I was always worrisome and restless.
I am guilty of all that he mentioned above. 🙁
I was unhappy. With him. With how I felt he SHOULD be. With how I felt he SHOULD act. With how I felt he SHOULD think. With how I felt he SHOULD run our family. I was unhappy with almost everything about him! 🙁
Although, in my defense, I really did LOVE him.
To Dong, his equation was:
Nikka is happy. = I am successful.
To me, my equation was:
Dong is successful. = I am happy.
If I am happy, Dong thinks he already is a success! Well, we all know how MY EQUATION will work out for me. No matter how “successful” Dong gets, I will still be unhappy. We humans are a bottomless pit of discontentment. We were wired to always be restless. We were made to find rest only in God alone.
What I also failed to see was how I was contributing to him not being able to LEAD our family. What I did was I got the “reins” from him, insisted on “running the show”, and had the nerve to complain about him not being proactive, taking initiative or leading.
I wanted to have my cake and eat it too!
|Our firstborn Therese eating a cheesecake I baked. 🙂|
What I failed to do too, was to search my heart for my own sins – of pride, of envy (towards other women having “more motivated” husbands), of bitterness and resentment. Mine was full of sins and yet I was quick to point out his “numerous” sins!
|Counting other people’s sins does not make you a saint.|
I did not know that then.
But I know that now. 🙂
After the interview, my husband and I ate dinner and talked some more about light topics this time. Topics that made us laugh and bond. My heart was happy just having him around. 🙂
My prayer is that fellow wives who are just like I was: dominant, opinionated, self-righteous and proud — will find it in them to STOP, SEARCH THEIR HEARTS and REPENT. It’s never too late!
Only then will God be able to work from within.
When we are so full of ourselves, the Lord has no space to work within our hearts. That’s why He said,
|Photo from Howard Carter‘s blog|
May we all be richly blessed! 🙂