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The Dominant Wife-Passive Husband Combo — A Perfect Recipe for Disaster

 

This is my profile pic as the PeacefulwifePhilippines. It captures my (ex) dominant personality and my husband’s passive personality. Although at the time of this pictorial with Brown Sugar Photography, I was already a surrendered wife. 🙂 I thinkDong was just acting here. Emote! Hehe.
Wednesdays are going to be Nikka days here at Peacefulwife this year.  Nikka is a Christian/Catholic wife from the Philippines.  She began her journey of surrendering to Christ and learning to respect and biblically submit to her husband just recently – in September of 2013.  I welcome the wisdom she has to share and her passion for God, her husband, her children and life.  I’m thrilled she can join me on this adventure-filled journey of learning to become a godly woman and wife!  You can find her blog at www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com
Dominant Wife. Type A. Go-getter. Obsessive. Compulsive. Overachiever.
Passive Husband. Type B. Laid-back. Relaxed. Cool.Usually an underachiever.
This is NOT a good recipe for marriage.
Well, guess what?!
That was OUR recipe. It was our recipe for the longest time, even as boyfriend-girlfriend from 1997 to 2004. It still was OUR recipe from 2004 to some parts of 2011 and 2012 as a married couple. And, It was only in 2013 that I threw away that recipe, burned it, and came up with a new one! It sure was YUCKY! I don’t know why I kept it for so long! 😛
Note the non verbal gesture, seemingly denoting I was “in charge”. At that time, I was my at my worst “controlling behavior.” – 2010
You see,  I am a homebaker. I know and breathe in recipes. Some recipes just make you very unhappy. Too much salt, too little sugar, too much of this, too little of that. However, after tweaking a recipe and baking it again and again, one will be able to wonderfully come up with the PERFECT mixture of ingredients! Everything is just right! It’s delicious and a delight to eat!
Cheesecakes are my specialty! 🙂
Customized Cupcakes with Marshmallow Fondant toppers
Mini cakes by Veronica’s Kitchen! (Wait for our website!:)
Revel Bars are a favorite among family, friends and clients. 🙂
Well, in a Dominant Wife-Passive Husband scenario,  
THE WIFE has:
TOO MUCH
  • control
  • leading
  • deciding
  • nagging

and THE HUSBAND has:

TOO LITTLE

  • control
  • leading
  • deciding
  • say in their life decisions

Suffice to say, there will be TOO MUCH:

  • anger and resentment in both parties (“My husband is so demotivated! If I don’t lead, nothing will happen!” or “My wife is too overbearing! If I say anything, she will just shout at me/grumble/force her way, so I would just rather shut up and make her have her way to keep the ‘peace’.”)
  • disorder from having muddled or interchanged roles
  • shame from both parties (the wife feels so unfeminine and the husband feels so emasculated)

There will also be TOO LITTLE

  • joy and peace (The couple can fake it but they themselves feel very unhappy and discontented with the setup.)
  • God-inspired order (Roles are interchanged. Wife feels too tired from having to wear both the pants and the skirt in the relationship. Husband feels very depressed from having to wear no pants at all! Figuratively of course.)
  • fulfillment from having done one’s true role in the marriage (The husband is intended to be the leader, the wife is the follower.)
How come I became that DOMINANT and Dong became that PASSIVE?
 
Me and my younger sis, Erica – 2001
I was :
 
– the elder of two siblings/panganay 
– innately driven (I knew what I wanted to be at a very young age and strove for it and achieved it!)
Mama and Papa on their wedding day, visiting Lola’s grave -1975
– was innately ambitious

– had extremely motivated, career-oriented parents as role models
– was orphaned early (Mama died when I was 17; Papa died when I was 32, so I have always felt that I should seize the day or live life to the fullest, because people die!!! People DIE!!!!!!)

Kuya Toby, Kuya Egoy, Kuya Gino, Kuya Pochie, Kuya Jojo, Dong

Dong was:

– the youngest of 6 boys/bunso
– laid-back and relaxed
– had simple dreams and goals
– had less career-motivated/more family-oriented parents

Alejars at Fontana (incomplete though) – wacky most of the time! 🙂 – 2010

– still has both parents alive  (nearing their 80’s, my husband is in his mid-40’s)

Do you know that in such a setup, the passive husband will NEVER rise up to the challenge of leading? And I mean NEVER?!

Here is an excerpt from April Cassidy, the Peacefulwife’s blog post on Dominant Wife-Passive Husband: The Passive Husband’s Take :

Reverend  Weaver taught a class called “7 Basic Needs of a Wife, 7 Basic Needs of a Husband”  this spring. We LOVED this class! Mr. Weaver has his theology straight and explains God’s design for marriage so well.During the class, he mentioned that in all of his years of ministry, whenever he sees a dominant wife marry a passive husband, the husband NEVER rises up and takes authority from his wife and begins leading. Not once. As a former dominant wife myself, I think this is a pretty important piece of information. And I love Rev. Weaver’s advice. He said that a dominant wife must use her leadership gifts toempower andencourage her husband’s leadership. He said it is very difficult for a passive husband to learn to lead. And he said it is very difficult for a dominant wife to learn to give up leading. BUT IT CAN BE DONE! I am proof of that!!!But the inverted relationship will NOT be made right until the WIFE yields the leadership and control. She must make the first move. And she must foster her husband’s learning and leadership gently with plenty of praise and admiration. The more she respects him, the more confidence he will gain and the better leader he will be!”Powerful stuff, huh?

I was convicted by this blog post, along with so many others of  April.

No wonder then that Dong was having difficulty finding his purpose or his place under the sun. He was as passive as passive goes, and I was as dominant as dominant goes. He couldn’t fulfill his goals or even realize what he wanted to do with his life with my constant NOISE — whether physical, mental, emotional, psychological or spiritual. I had to step aside. I was getting in the way — in his way and even God’s Way!

I remember one emotional conversation we had when he told me that:

“I don’t know what my role is anymore in this family. It seems that you can do it all by yourself. I am not needed here. I could leave you and the kids so you can find somebody more worthy of your love, because I feel like a failure, but I love you and I love the kids. What will happen to them when I go?”

Heartbreaking. And yet, at that time, I was thinking. “It’s so easy! All you have to do is to motivate yourself, find your passion, or find a job you love or whatever, and give your 100 percent best, and give it all you’ve got, and success will be yours!!!!!!” Well, to me, that made perfect sense. I was used to going after MY dreams. I sounded like a life coach. I thought I was being a great cheerleader to him! Not. He was a simple guy, with simple dreams and I could not understand that then. I think a part of me just refused to understand that at the time. So many sins of pride from my part! So unattractive!

When the Lord opened my eyes and the scales of disrespect fell from them, I saw myself for who I truly was: arrogant, selfish, worried, fearful of the future, lacking in faith in my husband and God, putting things in my hands, bitter, resentful, etc. etc… I just had to STOP, RETREAT and REPENT.

I couldn’t talk for days. I was SHOCKED by the level of my sins.

My eyelids, eyelashes, and hair got burned by an oven accident in 2011. I am grateful it didn’t ruin my face. 🙁

Now, in 2013, I feel lit up from within because of this submissive journey. My spirit is all aglow! (And I am not wearing false eyelashes anymore! They have grown back. Yay!)

When I did find the strength to talk to Dong, I apologized for my behavior and told him that:

  • I was so so so sorry for hurting his feelings.
  • I was just so clueless! I thought I was actually being so nice to him by being so driven and contributing to the family income.
  • I did not want to lead the family anymore. I was turning over the reins.
  • I am getting out of my way, his way and God’s Way.
  • I wanted him to lead me and our family to where God wants us to go.
  • I loved him and that my gift to him was my submission to him.
That is the REASON for this BLOG.
 
Dong saw through my heart and my real desire to change, and told me one time:
 
“I want you to blog about your journey. Write your own version of the Peacefulwife’s blog for the Philippines. Our country is in dire need of role models to follow. I am sick and tired too of hearing about husbands and fathers saying that the worst thing that can happen to a man is to get married and have kids. Why do most men feel that way? Shouldn’t we feel happy that we got married and have children? ” 
Wow. Just wow.And he even said,

“I AM ENJOYING THIS, WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE DOING. I AM REAPING ALL ITS BENEFITS. I WISH FOR MORE MARRIED COUPLES TO EXPERIENCE THIS.”

GOD. IS. AMAZING.

IN FUTURE BLOG POSTS, I WILL BE SHARING JUST HOW MY GIFT OF SUBMISSION HAS AWAKENED MY PASSIVE HUSBAND’S LEADERSHIP QUALITIES AND HOW HE IS SLOWLY BUT SURELY BECOMING THE MAN GOD WANTS HIM TO BE.

We are one inBreadmaking. Let’s go make some bread! 🙂

I have already fulfilled my dreams. 🙂 It is time to support his. Whatever happens, I am 100% with him every.step.of.the.way.
My prayer, like my husband’s prayer, is for more couples to experience what we are experiencing. This is totally a God Thing, not a Nikka or Dong thing.
Only God can convict hearts and it is only He Who could change us. I am deeply humbled that God patiently waited for me and for my change of heart all this time. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that all that had happened to me and to us in the past and not so recent past, would be used by God to awaken other married couples’ eyes, so that they too can experience what true peace is. The kind the world could not give, but only Christ could give.
Isaiah 54:13
And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
 Isaias 54:13
At lahat mong anak ay tuturuan ng Panginoon; at magiging malaki ang kapayapaan ng iyong mga anak.

MAY WE ALL BE RICHLY BLESSED!!! 🙂

73 thoughts on “The Dominant Wife-Passive Husband Combo — A Perfect Recipe for Disaster

  1. One of the most important elements in success is preparation.
    Men need to learn, while growing up, how to fully realize their masculinity, and embrace dominant, leadership, and confidence as a part of their character. Planning skills are also necessary for good husbanding. Hopefully these things can be learned from fathers.
    Then men will be better prepared for their roles in a marriage.

      1. I agree that we need to see more examples of Godly marriages. I would also venture to state men would be seen as the “bad guy” if they put on their dating site page “Looking for a submissive woman who will respect me as the husband and allow me to have final say. She must not be argumentative, nagging or disrespectful. She must at all times greet me with a smile and kind words.” Can you just imagine what comments he would get back?! I would have been one of those people who called him a chauvinist pig!! Society is constantly bombarding our men with the notion that they have to sit back and not be so dominant or strong leaders. Because of this, their confidence is lacking. I have told exactly 4 of my friends about the new dynamic in our marriage. If I told any others that I gave him control of the checkbook and final say in all things- that I greet him with a smile each day and find joy in making his lunch each morning, they would think I had lost my mind. Ironically, these same friends who would think I lost my mind are commenting on how happy I am- how content I seem to be and how they wish they had such a “healthy” relationship with their husbands! I am praying that God gives me the right opportunity to minister to them about Godly Marriages. It would help if I had some examples (celebrities, church elders, community leaders) to point to.

        1. Sara,

          Ha! That would be quite an interesting dating page ad! These are probably not things a husband can really demand from his wife – but they absolutely are godly qualities that men desire and need in their wives.

          We have emasculated men and told them not to lead. Then we lose our respect and attraction for our passive men who won’t lead. That has got to be incredibly frustrating for the men.

          As your friends see God change you, you WILL have opportunities to share God’s wisdom with them. Your life and attitude and marriage will point them to Christ. They will keep asking questions. I pray God will give you His wisdom to answer and to share His life-giving truth with them, too. They may reject you or make fun of you. That’s totally ok. You have the relationship you’ve always wanted with God and your husband. That more than makes up for any rejection/criticism you may experience.

          Don’t Expect a Lot of Outside Support

        2. Sara,
          I keep thinking about your dating want ad example. You know what? Women put exactly that kind of thing on dating ad sites. “I want a godly man who will love me like Christ loves the church, lay his life down for me, lead me selflessly, forgive me freely, be generous with me, be romantic all the time, want to always emotionally connect with me and act like the hero of a romance novel every day.”

          The more I learn about marriage and godly relationships – the more I realize it is much more about ME being the person God wants me to be and a lot less about expectations of someone else.

          Of course, believers are to marry other believers. But we go really crazy with our expectations sometimes!

        3. Hi Sara!

          It really feels like a ‘dirty secret’, what it is we are doing, right? 🙂 I too could not tell a soul about what was happening in my heart at the start of my journey. I was scared to be told off as weird religious nut or something. I kept it close to my heart and did not even want to blog about it because I was afraid of being ridiculed.

          But, God’s Truth is not really of this world. When my husband told me to blog about it, when I finally found the courage to do so, I did. I do not regret the decision. 🙂

          “Happy” and “content”. Yes, that describes us peaceful wives in this journey. So liberating!!! 🙂 I pray too that you will be able to minister to other women. We need more examples of Godly women. There is a dearth to be filled.

        4. Candace Cameron Buhr (sp) just came out with a book regarding being a submissive wife. She could be a good celebrity example. She’s DJ from full house and Kirk Cameron’s sister.

    1. redpillsetmefree,

      Yes I agree. Being a mother of 4 young children (2 girls, 2 boys) aged 9, 6, 3 and 8 months old… I hope that they will be impacted by the godly order in our marriage (a work in progress) when they grow up. I hope for our boys to be commanding yet selfless leaders and for our girls to be of strong characters yet respectful helpmeets, should the Lord deem for all of them to get married.

      Our daughter Therese once drew a family picture of stick drawings in her Prep class, 3 or so years ago. I was the biggest stick figure there. Her Daddy’s stick figure drawing was almost only as tall as her! (In her mind, she thought perhaps that I am the boss and Daddy is her playmate.) In a recent drawing, (she is now Grade 3) she has made Daddy much bigger already. I am much smaller but still bigger than her. 🙂 That makes me happy knowing that in her mind, she now knows who is the head of the family.:)

  2. A lovely post and very on-target. Our marriage, too, followed the wrong ‘recipe’ for years. Thankfully, we are following a new recipe now, although I am still tweaking with it to get it exactly the way it should be. 😉

    Nikka, I want to tell you that every time I see pictures of you, I notice how pretty you are!

    And your treats look yummy!

    1. A fellow wife,

      Minus all the bitter aftertaste my former recipe produced, this new recipe tastes really sweet with no added sugar! 😉

      Thanks for the compliments! 🙂 They say, I register well on camera.:)

      I wish you were nearer so I could bake you a blueberry cheesecake! 🙂 Our home bakeshop is called Veronica’s Kitchen. I bake cookies, bars, cheesecakes, breads, cakes, cupcakes….You can find us on Facebook. 🙂

      1. How did you know I love Blueberry? 😉 By the way, I am the wife that emailed you regarding your post on PMS the other day. Just thought you would like to know I go by “A Fellow Wife” here. 🙂

        1. Oh…. You are my co-monster then! Hahaha!!! I am so happy I am not alone in my bad PMS,seemingly demon-possessed states. 😀

          I did not know you love blueberry but I felt like you might. I was right then! I make a mean blueberry cheesecake! It was the first thing I baked back when I was 17 (I am 38 now) so after a million hits and misses, it is now a hit, thank God! 🙂

  3. Thank you for this. Although God led me to your blog, April, some months ago, after radically changing my heart, I hadn’t really got the passive/dominant characteristics before. That is so true in my marriage. Her words echoed my thoughts over the years. It is explained so well here (or my heart is just ready to HEAR it).. His family history compared to hers. The personality we are born with and experiences we have. We bring so many factors into our marriage.

    I am continually overjoyed at the confidence, leadership and joy I see more and more in my husband. And less stress, more peace and joy in my life. Getting myself off the throne is so worth it!

    1. learningever,

      I’m so glad that Nikka’s post blessed you! God has given her such a clear way of explaining things. I love it!

      I think that birth order and our past experiences as children DEFINITELY impacts us and can cause us to learn to take control. And then, if you have a husband who was the youngest, you can see how the dynamic was set up to work this way – passive husband, dominant wife. It goes totally against our old sinful nature to learn to undo all that we learned and to relearn things God’s way.

      But, yes! It is absolutely worth it! Thanks for sharing!

      1. Thanks for the compliment, April! 🙂

        Ain’t it amazing that God is using us former dominant women to spread His Teachings on marriage? He created us. He knew/ knows what we are capable of.

        On our own, leading our families we ended up frustrated and resentful. With Him holding our hand, He is now using our leadership skills to EMPOWER our husbands’ leadership.

        A good leader is a good follower, they say. And if we were capable leaders then (although that was clearly not our role in the marriage thus the disorder), NOW, and correctly so, we could be even better godly followers of Him, and of our husbands. (Now that is our role and the correct order of things) All praise goes back to Him! 🙂

    2. Hi learningever!

      I too was led to April’s blog two weeks after I let go and let God reign. He really makes these divine appointments for us when we are ready for Him. 🙂

      Maybe your heart is ready to hear what I wrote that’s why it resonates so well. God’s Timing is perfect. 🙂

      I don’t know where or when I started believing that I deserved to be treated like a princess, meaning, my husband has to be at MY beck and call. Thing is I was not content with being a princess, I wanted to be KING! So far from the Biblical truth that we women were created to be helpers of men. Not the other way around.

      When I got off my throne too and threw away my tiara along with my attitude, I felt so much AT PEACE! 🙂 It really is worth it! 🙂

  4. Nikka- good for you for choosing the straight and narrow path. God’s way will always bring joy, marital harmony, and, of course, peacefulness. The world will scorn you but God is smiling because His path leads you to His kingdom. Love you, my sister in Christ. (p.s. I tried to leave a comment on your blog but was unable). And April, bless you for allocating this day for those wives who need help and understanding for their dominate natures.

    1. Hi Gleniece!

      Thank you. It is a straight and very narrow path. I am thankful April already connected the dots for us. It’s so much easier too knowing we fellow wives are in this journey together. It is a difficult trek but not lonely at all. 🙂 It’s actually like a little club, The Peaceful Wives Club, that is growing in numbers every single day, all over the world! 🙂

      Love you too with the Love of the Lord. 🙂 I apologize for not being able to leave a comment. April also asked about where the subscribe to button is. I am too non-techie to answer any of your concerns 😛

      1. Veronica,

        I was able to leave comments on your blog – but I had to sign in under a google or wordpress account (there are a few other options), and then you have to retype 2 words. Then it will publish. 🙂

    1. Thanks Nyillah!

      The thing is, we’ve only just begun! 🙂

      My husband is known to take his time and decides on things slower than I, so I am learning to be patient and keep still while he hones his leadership skills. I told him, “Follow your heart Honey. I know the Lord will lead you into doing what is best for our family. I am just here.”

      Please continue to pray for the success of my husband’s plans for our family. Thank you and God bless you!

  5. Gah! I SO NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!

    Looking very much forward to the next post.

    Is there anything accompanying for men, on how to take UP the reins?

    1. Irconsiderer

      It can get pretty daunting at first. And, quite awkward. I am not out of the awkward stage yet, to be honest. Just read April’s posts here. It is a wealth of knowledge on how to be this rare breed of “submissive (to the Lord and to their husbands) wives”. We are all in this, together!God bless you in your own journey, sis. 🙂

  6. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s amazing how much of myself I see in you and April’s stories! Praise God for opening our eyes to our sin and beginning to give us His strength to change!

    1. Hi Nicole! 🙂

      I saw so much of myself in April too.
      And you see so much of yourself in both me AND April. 🙂
      I am pretty sure if a dominant wife read something you wrote, she too might say she sees herself in April, me AND you!

      We really all are daughters of Eve, the first woman to display independence and contempt for authority. We now all must go against our fallen nature that seeks to rule over our men. With Christ’s Help, we can conquer this sinful flesh and follow His Order of Marriage:
      God the Father
      Christ
      Husband
      Wife

      Yes,praise God for opening our eyes! I was blind for so long!

  7. As I’ve said before, we have this same dynamic in our marriage. I have also been a “dominant woman” and I believe this is a generational sin in many families. I remember hearing “funny” stories about my grandmother being so tough that she had a black eye when my grandpa met her! She went on to have 5 strong daughters and one son (can you imagine the type of woman he is married to?) My mother was the oldest of the six and I am the oldest of her three daughters. My paternal grandmother smoked, drank, and cussed and my father did as well.

    I don’t anticipate this opinion will be popular BUT As I have prayerfully considered this issue over the weeks, I think it has been revealed to me that the culture we live in (I can’t speak for the Phillippines, but I imagine a similar effect) does not support submissive women. (Duh! But I think it’s so much deeper than we realize. . .) From a young age, we are taught to learn and offer up the RIGHT answer, stick up for OUR position/argument, know who WE are, be OURselves, get OUR education, better OURselves, don’t let any man push US around or say he’s better than US or keep US back from OUR dreams. In our younger years, we fight with our brothers, or fathers, and this is considered NORMAL.

    PURSUE YOUR PASSIONS! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! MAKE A WAY FOR YOURSELF! is shouted at us indefinitely. YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE!

    Then we are encouraged to find a man who will love us unconditionally, support our ideas, support our dreams, etc. We meet a man, fall in love, make plans to marry, and in many cases date, court, or become engaged for many months or years before we actually marry. All the while nursing our own self interest and self fulfillment. Many of us choose a different career path than our spouse and work hard for OUR degree, often entering the marriage with much debt. Once we marry, and fall under our husbands covering and authority, we feel “smothered”, “held back”, “mistreated”, “unfulfilled”, etc.

    I can’t imagine being the man here. It would be like taming a wild horse!

    It’s so sad, but the women who’ve come before and paved the way for feminism, women’s liberation, etc. have done SO MUCH DAMAGE to all of our marriages today. They’ve influenced our mothers and grandmothers, us and our daughters(!) to fall for the lies of self interest and self promotion. As a result, we don’t obey our fathers, our Lord, or submit to our husbands. It goes against everything we’ve been taught to believe. Even in “good Christian” homes. . .

    As Christians, we are literally called to DIE to self. ALL of our hopes, dreams, expectations, etc. we HAVE TO lay down at the foot of the cross and submit that HIS will be done. We MUST respectfully submit to our current authority. We MUST rest in the One who made us and knows us and TRUST that the desires of our hearts will be known. Until we get this right as a culture, this will continue to be such a struggle. . .

    This blog is SO VALUABLE for Christian women everywhere! (As evidenced by readers ALL OVER the world!) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for all of the wisdom here!

    1. Fallenshort,

      You are exactly right. This goes very deep in our culture – to impact our understanding of who God is, who we are, what femininity and masculinity are, what marriage is supposed to be, our expectations in life, our goals, our dreams… being independent, in control and dominant are the values our culture esteems, pushes and promotes in us as women.

      I read the book Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley a few years ago – a VERY IMPORTANT BOOK for all Christian women to read, by the way! She was a feminist. Went to college and majored in women’s studies. Later she came to Christ. She traces the feminist movement from the 1700s in the first part of this book. When she got to the 1800s and early 1900s I just wept and wept and wept. I finally saw where so many of my ideas about myself as a woman, myself as a wife, marriage, my husband, masculinity, femininity, birth control, children, God and church came from – from a handful of ungodly women who were hell-bent on destroying God’s design for authority in the church and family and who were hell-bent on distorting God’s definition of femininity, masculinity, marriage and family.

      I realized with horror that the things these blasphemous women wrote about in books 100 years ago or more were thoughts that had lived in my head for decades. I had no idea where they came from. I just swallowed the ideas from the culture and never even questioned them. I saw how intentionally they destroyed and undermined the authority of God and His Word and the God-given authority of those God has given us to lead, guide and protect us: pastors, the church, the government, parents, husbands… I got so angry. SO ANGRY.

      The ideas these women taught had impacted me. They had almost destroyed my marriage. Generations later – their ideas were crippling me as a woman of God and as a wife and mother.

      I decided that if the enemy was able to use a few vocal women to cause so much destruction to our entire culture, surely God, in His power, could raise up some of His women to tear down the lies and rebuild on the truth of His Word. It is my prayer that God might use me to do this and that He might raise up many more women. The last few generations have dropped the ball. 100 years ago, things were not perfect. I am not saying we should make things just like they were back then. I want us to pick up the ball and set a godly example, by Scripture’s definition, for those women around us and those coming behind us and for our sons and daughters – that their future relationships with God and with their spouses might be richly blessed.

      I hope you might allow me to use this comment in a post, my friend! So many important points. And you are only beginning to scratch the surface.

      1. Yes, yes, yes, sister. 🙁 What a fallen world. We live day to day in ignorance of exactly how fallen. As you said, we talk about these “deep” issues and we only scratch the surface.

        I know He IS rising up a culture of women to tear down these lies. And you are quite a force for those works 🙂 I pray protection for you and your family daily, as I know Satan attacks fiercely those who threaten him. But GOD IS BIGGER THAN THE BOOGEYMAN! And He WILL prevail.

        I only started reading this blog months ago, but you teach a truth that is timeless and I feel as though I’ve known you (and many of your readers) all of my life. Of course you may use my comment 🙂

        And thanks, Nikka, for getting this conversation started 🙂

      2. April,

        “I finally saw where so many of my ideas … came from – from a handful of ungodly women …”

        I haven’t read that book (but would like to at some point for greater understanding of it’s effects on church history), but, to be fair, Feminism is a repackaged “Western/American” version of European Social Marxism, with different labels that American women accepted easily. It was actually funded by the Rockefeller family. Even “MS. Magazine” in the 1960’s was funded by a shell company owned by the CIA, as confirmed by Gloria Steinham herself.

        There were several elites that had a vested interest in the destruction of the traditional family unit a long time ago, because they wanted a society wholly dependent on the government (that they control).

          1. Yep. Sorry to bring bad news, but Feminism was NEVER about equality. That was just the platform used to convince women they needed to “Free themselves from the evil Patriarchy” and all God-given authority meant to lead and protect them. It was easy for them to point to sins and failures in their husbands as “reasons” they “needed” to take control themselves, even labeling minor inconveniences within their families as “oppressive”. This was the common reaction to social propaganda at the time (like “Rosie the riveter,” claiming that all men thought that women weren’t “strong enough” to go into the workforce or work in military factories, something few men would have wanted or ever challenged women to do, but women “took offense” to that propaganda message and started leaving their homes and children, trying to prove to themselves and everyone else that they were “strong enough”.)

            My sister even had that poster on her wall during her college days.

            Here’s another fact:
            The elites knew that they were only taxing 50% of the nation while women were at home raising children, so if they could convince the women that home-life was “oppressive” (undesirable) then they could convince those women that working a “real” job (like husbands) would be “fulfilling”, and then the government (elites) could tax all the women too (or 100% of the population). Easy money!

            Rosie the riveter was never fighting for equality! She was convincing women to ditch their family authority structures and become another taxable citizen.

            It was NEVER about equality, just reprogramming the society to become psuedo-European socio-economic slaves of the Governement (also why all US monetary policy was taken away from Congressional oversight, and is instead handled by the Federal Reserve, which is conveniently run by those same European elites). The US hasn’t been able to make its own financial policy decisions for a long time now (which is why it is nearly irrelevent whether or not the Congress can pass a new budget, because they can’t decide the monetary policy that governs that budget.) The sad part is that the Federal Reserve uses (invests) our money to make themselves more money, but then any loses/expenses (bad bets) are written-off by the FDIC (ie: taxpayers), so we are quite literally paying the elites to gamble with our own personal money, and then paying them again to cover any debts/lost bets.

    2. Hi fallenshort!

      I think we are all in the same boat, regardless of what country we find ourselves in. In the Philippines, we have this term for henpecked husbands — ‘under-de-saya’. Literally translated to mean ” under the skirt.”

      This is a caricature of a husband who hides under his wife’s skirt because it is the woman who LEADS and MAKES DECISIONS. He hides under her skirt not because he is afraid of others, but because he is afraid of her! She lords it over him.

      Yes, I agree with the points your brought up. Women’s magazines, TV shows, all these self-help books… for all the entertainment value that they are worth, wrongly teaches us that to live in this world is to fulfill MY needs, MY wants.. The world seems to revolve around ME and MYSELF.

      All that we are doing then as surrendered wives are so counter-cultural and ‘abnormal’ that we are bound to be scorned at or given raised eyebrows.

      But, who says, being a Christian was easy? 🙂 We aim only to please God.

  8. This is a lovely article, but it raises many questions for me. I just wish Nikka would have explained how the transformation actually occurred. What did she do differently? What are some examples? She seems to give a before and after picture, but not how exactly she got from before to after. Also, my other concern is that perhaps Nikka is now trying to be someone who she is truly not. Earlier in the article, Nikka lists that she was ambitious, driven, and motivated. What’s wrong with that? If a woman is ambitious and driven, this article makes it seem that something is wrong with her; she needs to change in order to become less ambitious and passive. But is something really wrong with her? So all driven and ambitious women should change if they want to have a happy marriage? Perhaps ambitious women should not have to change, but just marry men who are more driven and ambitious then them.

      1. Lexi,

        Oops! About to leave out your last point.

        Nothing is wrong with being ambitious and driven. But, if a woman disobeys God’s commands for her as a believer in Christ and as a wife – that is a huge problem. I am still very ambitious and driven, a go-getter, with strong opinions, ideas and feelings. But I no longer try to control my husband or demand my own way. I no longer disrespect my husband. I place myself under his God-given authority and leadership in our marriage and I put all of my strength, drive, ambition, power and motivation behind him to bless him. I seek God’s will over my own now. Life is not about getting what I want. I die to myself, as God calls all believers to do, and submit myself fully to Christ, desiring to obey Him and to live by the power of His Spirit working in me for His glory.

        I hope that clears things up. Let me know if it doesn’t. 🙂

    1. Hi, Lexi

      I can only speak for myself here. For ME personally, I had to hit a point where going on in my marriage the way it was was more painful than giving control over to God. I realized that I could not change my husband or control him. I realize that it wasn’t my place to do that.

      I prayed a lot. I cried a lot and grieved what I felt I was losing. You can actually a post about my experience on this blog on the date of 9-14-13. I had to process through a lot of emotions.

      Then- for me- I started focusing on letting go of my husband. I forcefully made myself stop attempts to control my husband directly and indirectly. I could only focus on letting go at first. Sometimes it would be so hard I would close my eyes and tell myself to “let go- let go- let go” and just breathe through the temptation.

      I studied a lot about what the bible said about marriage.

      Now I am starting to venture a little deeper into respect. I could not do it all at one time. I am learning about respect a little at a time. The very first act of respect is letting go of trying to control your husband.

      Every wife’s story is different and personal.

      I do feel freer when I can step back and allow my husband to have his own journey. It is a journey of millions of steps.

      I hope I have offered you some explanation.

      It is a blessing to do marriage God’s way.

    2. One more thing…. I am STILL myself (and I was also ambitious, driven and motivated and still am) but I am myself under God’s spirit. I am ambitious to learn GOD’s plan for marriage, I am driven to do marriage right and motivated to keep my heart in the right place.

    3. Hi Lexi!

      Thanks for your comment. 🙂

      This was just one post of many posts in my blog. http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com.

      I did not change overnight. And I don’t think I will be true to myself if I just literally became a different person, especially since the Lord really has heaped lots of abilities in me (which I try to use at all times for all people, thus being “spread too thin”).

      I did change interiorly, by letting go of my desire to control. 🙂

      I am still the same person, but am redirecting my efforts towards empowering my husband’s leadership this time, and supporting him in his businesses, baking and decorating for Veronica’s Kitchen, and tending to the four kids, including breastfeeding an infant. See? I am still busy. But, peaceful busy, 🙂

      It’s hard to explain all of it here, but if you read my blog, you would understand. You may want to read it in portions, otherwise it might give one “indigestion.” :)God bless you Lexi!

  9. April, what a great way to help you regain some of your time for your family, by giving yourself a “day off” from writing and letting Nikka share with all of us wives. Thank you, Nikka, for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing more from you!

    I began my respect journey at the same time as you, Nikka (Sept 2013), but God has a different path designed for me. I’m so happy that you’ve become such a blessing to your husband and family. I pray my husband and I will be there one day.

    We’re a funny mix of the recipe you describe. I’m the motivated go-getter, but I’m also the laid back one who can roll with the punches. My husband is definitely NOT laid back. He gets anxious and uptight over what I might consider minor and, for the longest time, was unmotivated and directionless, even in a job where he was unhappy. I would do the same thing, what I thought was encouraging and supporting him to go back to school, get a different job, whatever! My husband is very intelligent and charismatic, I truly believe he could be successful in whatever he put his mind to. But he just wouldn’t make any moves! I didn’t understand!

    Our circumstances changed–we had our first child, we decided I would stay home rather than return to work, then he was laid off from his job and forced to pursue a different career path. He seemed to blossom! He LOVES what he does now and is REALLY good at it. It’s not an easy field and he works really hard, which meant we spent less & less time together. Not good. Now we’re in a spot where he’s formed an emotional attachment to someone else and is no longer invested in our relationship.

    Meanwhile, God opened my eyes to my sinful ways of being controlling and disrespectful. Praise God that He led me to the Peacefulwife where I’m learning so much about submission and being a Godly wife as well as about really trusting and walking with God, relying on Him, rather than myself or my husband which only leads to discontentment and disappointment. I know God has a plan for our marriage through all the heartache of the moment and, while I’d really like to have an easier route to His will, I am excited to see what He is going to do with and through us.

    Your story is encouraging–Thank you!

    1. Hi Cat!

      Hugs to you, sis. The sentence: “Now we’re in a spot where he’s formed an emotional attachment to someone else and is no longer invested in our relationship.” caught my eye and I read and re-read it. It made me sad. But, we will lift you up in prayer,Cat. You and your husband. There is no heart God cannot soften.

      Could it be that this new job or career path has given him a sort of new sense of accomplishment and pride, and this other woman might just be “readily available” being in the same workplace, and he feels a ‘connection’ with this woman, thus the emotional attachment? (This is a great temptation to most men AND women. Officemates are together for most hours of the day and sometimes get into ungodly ‘friendships.’)

      Looking forward to your reply and I am praying with you and for you, Cat! God bless you and your family. 🙂

      1. Hi Nikka,

        Thanks for the hugs and prayers. 🙂

        Yes, it is something like you decide. This other friendship is with someone at work (I know nothing else about the person) who he feels a connection to and feels like this person loves him unconditionally, accepts him for who he is, and shares thoughts/feelings/ideas with him. These are all things he feels I do not do.

        I think the combination of my disrespectful controlling ways and my family upbringing where I learned to guard my inner life because my opinions/preferences weren’t always validated wasn’t good. I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable and now realize the damage that has done in blocking intimacy in our relationship. I also realize my attitude and actions have not always communicated respect to my husband and I can now see how he came to think I wanted to change him.

        April has been an incredible support for me over the past several months, encouraging me to keep my focus on Christ, find all I need in Him, and trust my husband to God. I cannot change his heart. My words to him about our marriage are poisonous right now. I am trying to focus on I Peter 3:1-6 — winning him without words and cultivating a gentle quiet spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear. Not an easy assignment by any stretch of the imagination! My journey is step-by-step (not even day by day) as I try to remain in Christ and release my husband from any of my expectations. He is responsible to God, as am I. I have stayed stagnant in my relationship with God for far too long (I’m not blaming my husband in any way, but I think, in a sense, I wanted to be at the same place spiritually with him–not healthy for either of us) so now that relationship is my priority and I will trust Him to restore my marriage in His time, if that is His plan.

          1. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers, Nikka. I so appreciate and need them. Having grown up in the church, basically, it can be so easy to “talk the talk”, but to “walk the walk” is another story. I’m constantly checking and rechecking my motives–pride sneaks in so easily and is so damaging.

          2. I too check and recheck my motives and I do my best to nip in the bud that pesky pride. Dying to self not only daily but minute by minute is a sure-fire way to tell the enemy that we no longer belong to him, so he better flee!

            God bless you sis. Let’s walk this walk together. 🙂

        1. Dear Cat,

          Firstly, I will be praying for your husband and your marriage.

          Secondly, ..”I will trust Him to restore my marriage in His time, if that is His plan.” It is His Plan, God put you together.

          So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). Matthew 19:6.

          Have a blessed day

          1. Remsley,

            Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. I can’t even describe how wonderful it is to hear that you and others whom I have never even met are praying for me & my husband! The world would call us strangers, but we’re actually family, brothers & sisters in Christ, and it gives me chills that somewhere someone is lifting up my marriage to God. Thank you!

            Thank you, too, for your encouragement to think about the restoration of my marriage as God’s plan since He brought us together. I guess I’m just trying to focus on one day at a time and not plan for what might come next. I do believe that God brought my husband & I together and I know that He can heal us. I love my husband dearly and am praying for and working towards restoration. I guess I feel like I don’t want to make assumptions about God’s plan, but since I already know that He had marriage planned for us, maybe it’s not an assumption, but faith in His Plan and His sovereignty.

            Thanks and God bless you!

  10. Thanks, Nikka, for sharing your story here. I’m the one you’ve connected with about “powering down.” 🙂 The explanation of your family hisyory for both of you was a huge help foe me. I was raised in a “church going” home (non-Christian) to be independent & happy by a clinically diagnosed narcissist & a passive father. My husband was raised in a Christian home by a very dominant father & a very obedient mother (doormat) so we entered marriage from completely different perspectives. I thought I was amazing enough thst I could easily do this “submissive” wife role. Little did I know how off base I have been for 17 years. Even after being on this journey for several months I still find myself struggling to let go of control. Yet each time I do, there is hope & more peace in my marriage. But it is a moment-by-moment choice. Looking forward to seeing you each Wednesday! You, along with April, are an inspiration & a ray of hope when I’m looking at the ugly. Thank you!

    1. Hi “powered down” Sally! 🙂

      We are all daughters of Eve, she who displayed the first flash of independence first to God (!), then towards her husband. What we are experiencing (the desire to control our husbands) is a consequence of that sin from The Fall of Man. 🙁 That is what is NATURAL for us women due to our fallen nature. So, it is not surprising that everywhere we look, there are really MANY dominant women!

      What we are doing right now (submitting to God then to our God-ordained authority, our husbands) is what the Lord commanded for us wives to do. To submit to Him by submitting to our husbands. That is what is NOT NATURAL. This is what is against what the world says. Because we are now “not of the world”, the old is gone, and we now possess new and renewed spirits in Christ! 😀 Praise God! 🙂

      Reading your account, wow. That is a “weird” match of personalities, for lack of a better term, from both sides. I am not surprised you came into marriage not really knowing what a godly marriage was or how you should act.

      I have been off-base too. I thought I got the Christian wife down pat! It is laughable and pitiful how I TOTALLY did not get it, and yet I thought myself to be so kind and nearly perfect! Yuck! LOL.

      Oh well. I am glad we are all now able to “see” ourselves for who we are. We are no longer blind. We are in this journey together, Sally! We serve a POWERful God! 🙂

      God bless you! 🙂 Thanks for the compliments. Like April, I do this all for God’s Glory! 100% commitment but also 100% detachment. I will stop any time I feel that the blog is already veering away from glorifying Him alone.

  11. Hi April and Nikka, thanks for your post. Our marriage recipe seems to be controlling wife dominant husband, which has led to some fireworks as my husband definitely objects to being controlled! He wants to lead and sees it as his God given role, which is great, and what I want, the trouble is for me (because of major issues in our past, we have been married 17 years and had many circumstantial challenges) trusting him and his leadership feels like jumping out of an aeroplane not knowing whether the parachute will open! I am an anxious worrier, which I have picked up from my family background and find I am repeatedly running to God with the same fears which I struggle to move on from, its so frustrating! Its almost like if I don’t worry it leaves a frightening vacuum in my mind and I feel like I’m dropping the ball somehow and I end up going back to the fearful thoughts, really annoying! Anyway I have read many of your great posts April and feel like I have learnt a lot of the theory, its the practical minute by minute application which is so tricky! Just wanted to share really so I don’t feel so alone on this road I’m stumbling along on! 🙂

    1. Ronnathen3,

      I am so glad you shared!

      I invite you to read my posts on worry. You can search worry, fear, control and discontentment on my home page. Then let’s talk about these important issues some more. You don’t have to do this alone, my precious sister! Jesus can give you total freedom from your fears. I can walk with you on this journey and point you to Him! 🙂

    2. Hi ronnathen3!

      I was/am just like you! I am a worry-wart control-freak. 😛

      But when God gives us a new spirit, we do not want to go back to our old selves again. 🙂

      It still is hard as we speak for me. There are still days I want to lead because my husband is a lot slower than me in decision-making, but if I view it from the point of view of eternity, suddenly,his actions do not seem SLOW. I then become more patient and I just keep still. With eyes turned on heaven, all that we do becomes more meaningful, even if somewhat awkward.

      I have only been in this respect journey since Sept 2013, so this is really still all new to me. 🙂

      Yes, it does feel like jumping off an airplane!!! 🙂 And guess what sis, my parachute opened!!! 😀 Now, to focus on just reaching the ground safely without dictating to the wind where to go… 😉

      God bless you in your own journey! The best is yet to come! 🙂

  12. The type of relationship described fits my marriage to a T. I know marriage is not designed to be that why. I think that’s why I secretly wish my husband and I could switch roles I.e if I was the man in the relationship it would be ok for me to feel and act like the dominant one. Note I don’t want this, I want to be the submissive wife but because of my husband’s underacheiving tendencies along with his loss of faith in God and lack of goals or directon in life it makes doing so extermly hard. We are struggling financially but he continues to make poor financial choices. Buying a beat up car to restore, bought a 1500$ road back without even talking to me about it and questions me why I don’t trust him. Additionally, and I think what 2 of my biggest struggles are he is younger than me and does not feel the drive or motivation to get to a place where he can better support me staying at home or at least just working part time when we finally decide to have kids. Which again frustrates me and further makes trusting him difficult when I see him be so wasteful with money. As much as I would love to not have to pinch every penny I’m learning to do so that when the time comes we can afford to live on a smaller salary but worry he won’t come to that point. I know it sounds like I’m blaming him but the truth is as result of those things I have such a hard time letting go. The few times I have, he has done nothing. I should also note he has angry issues and I believe is depressed but refuses to get help. I just don’t know how to continue trying to submit and to let go of the reins with all of that going on. Again I want too but when I get just leave me alone, I don’t want to be bothered or have to be pressured to do anything it’s hard. Anybody got advice. I’m 31, naturally anxious and worried it will take a long time for my husband to learn to lead and to become motivated to care for a family. If I was much younger I don’t think I would worry as much but I would like to have several kids before I’m 40.

    1. Ritaroo,

      It’s great to meet you!

      How long have you been married?

      How much younger is your husband than you?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      Any history of abuse, violence, drug/alcohol addictions, infidelity, mental health disorders?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What was he like before you married him?

      How do you treat him when he doesn’t meet your expectations?

      Do you trust God completely? Or do you actually trust self a lot more than God?

      What are your greatest fears?

      Most husbands DO take a long time to go from being very passive to being godly leaders. Yep. It will take time for him to learn. And you will have to step down for him to begin to step up. You will be doing a LOT of waiting. This is going to require you to trust God and His sovereignty instead of yourself.

      Right now, you have reasons you feel like you can’t trust your husband, so it is easy to think you can justify leading yourself because he has failed or isn’t perfect.

      Almost every wife I have ever talked to about these issues – and there have been hundreds – says the same thing:

      – I can’t trust my husband.
      – My husband won’t lead.
      – I have to lead.

      I know I thought those things before.

      God commands us to trust Him and cast our anxieties on Him. You will have to choose between faith in God and your anxiety. You cannot have both. It’s time to get rid of the anxiety – which is from the sinful nature and is often a symptom of trusting self over God and putting self up as an idol in our own hearts. It was for me.

      Are you willing to let go of your dreams and trust God?

      Will you let go of when exactly you will get to have children and if you will?
      Will you let go of your agenda for your marriage?

      Will you focus on dying to self and laying all of your desires at the feet of Jesus and seeking His will and His glory alone? Will you honor Christ as LORD and walk in obedience and trust more and more?

      Why is your hubby depressed?

      Why did he lose faith in God?

      What are you doing to obey God on your end of the marriage and to bless, encourage, respect, praise and show faith in your husband?

      What does he need from you?

      I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s prescription for wives in your situation – you will not be able to use words to try to draw him to Christ, but your respectful attitude and godly behavior WITHOUT words. Words feel very pressuring to him right now.

      I have a post – Waiting Becomes Sweet

      I have MANY, MANY posts about inspiring our husbands’ godly leadership and giving up control.

      You can search on my home page for:

      idol
      idolatry
      contentment
      leadership
      leader
      control
      bitterness
      expectations
      stages of this journey
      dying to self
      how to make husband an idol

      I’m glad to hash through these issues with you and will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word! 🙂

      Much love!
      April

  13. Hi there

    Its been extremely relieved and useful for me to chance upon this blog. You have inspired me, when I felt helpless about how I was going to mend back all the broken pieces. I just didnt know what to do. But Im going to take heed of all that you have mentioned to me!

    Thank you sooo much! 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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