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God Begins to Work in a Newlywed Wife’s Heart

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From a precious sister in the Lord (with her permission):

Dear Peacefulwife,

From the bottom of my heart, I just want to say thank you. Three days ago, I came across your site from a specific internet search: “My husband doesn’t care,” because at that time I honestly thought that my husband no longer loved or cared about me anymore. That day was like rock bottom for me. I woke up, and my husband was gone. No note, no text, no call, nothing. I had to go to work that morning, and he took our only car with him. I tried to call him but I got no answer.
You see, I’m a newlywed (been married since June), and my husband and I recently moved to a new city which is thousands of miles away from the majority of my family. I had no one close to rely on for an emergency ride. As a former country girl, I am still scared about being alone and unprotected in a city full of strangers. I was so hurt and frustrated as to why he would disappear on me like this, knowing that I had to go to work, knowing that that car was my only form of transportation. He knew all of this, but chose to ignore it so obviously he doesn’t care of me, right? I cried as I called a cab, and I secretly cried when I got to work. I was thinking why does he have to do this to me, and why do I love him so much? He is such a mean, hateful person and blah, blah, blah…
And this is why I was blindly searching the internet as a way to comfort myself when I found your blog.
At first I was skeptical. “This site is too radical. This isn’t the 1800s anymore. My husband and I run things equally, that’s how it is done nowadays, etc.,” I thought. I’m already submissive (or so I thought). What is this about respecting my husband and such? I already respect him (again so I thought). But thank the Lord I didn’t close the window. I guess your God-given words touched a part of me that knew they were true.
I wanted a way to fix my husband. I wanted to make him stay with me, talk with me, smile, do the things that he used to. I wanted him to love me again because I didn’t feel loved. I felt so discouraged and have been feeling that way for a while. I felt like a failure as a wife.
  • I stopped cooking after my husband seemed to prefer eating out (now it is more like he eats out because I stopped cooking).
  • I have never been a neat person, and he is a neat-freak.
  • I pray to God that He can work in our marriage and develop the solution as this is an ongoing problem even now.
  • I’m a habitual procrastinator.
  • Sometimes I forget things, important things.
  • I beat myself up a lot.
  • I tried to please my husband in everything that I did, and that was my problem. I made being a wife, trying to please my husband, an idol. You can’t please another person all the time, and that is what I tried to do. My relationship with God has always been wishy-washy, but I had put a lot of things in front of God when it should have been vice versa. Thank you for reminding me to put my complete focus on God once again! First God, then my husband!
That first day I read your blog (I read so many entries that day), I repented. I want my marriage to be honorable to God. I want my husband to be happy. We’ve only been married for almost six months (and we both consider divorce not an option), so I didn’t want the rest of our lives to be full of unhappiness and strife. I felt so bad.
I haven’t been respecting my husband at all.
  • I yelled and cursed at him because I felt lonely and I wanted him there, but that of course made him shut down and pull away more. He stopped talking to me. He stopped holding me. My coworker one day was talking so positively about her husband, and when I thought about the unhappiness in my marriage, I wanted to cry.
  • I was (so) bad that I even walked up and pulled the television cord out the wall once because I felt that he was ignoring me while using the TV as a medium. What did that accomplish? Nothing. I was just so angry at the time. I had actually been repeating in my head all the negative things about my husband for a whole week before that happened, and my anger and bitterness just came to a head. Before that, I didn’t even know I had it in me to be so bitter. I don’t blame my husband for not wanting to be with me. It would have been scary to be in the same room with me at that moment.
And now of course after repenting, what do I do now? I suppose I’m in the quiet stage now (and it is only two days in). It is hard.
  • At first I wanted to dump all the hurt I felt on him as soon as I saw him, but I forced myself to stay silent.
  • I am extra careful whenever I am around him to be extra positive.
  • I wrote him a note apologizing for what I’ve done (I can’t trust myself to talk with him yet. I am not yet in complete control of my emotions).
  • I baked a pie. He didn’t eat it.

I didn’t let myself feel bad though because I’m respecting my husband because it honors God in my marriage and not whether he deserves it or not. He can choose not to eat my pies, but I should forever make them available to him.Β 

I am still reading your blogs (you have so many, thank goodness), but also recognize that I need to start rebuilding my relationship with God. I’ve been so backwards. The Lord God will direct my paths. I am praying that I can continue down on this road for a happier marriage. It’s my second day in giving my husband respect so there hasn’t been much change in him (I’m sure he is waiting to see if this is some sudden phase or not). And we honestly haven’t spoken much in three days. We sleep apart, and we practically live apart, but today we spoke briefly, and it was calm. No animosity at all. This all just gives me hope!
Thank you, Peacefulwife, for being a mouthpiece of God and for showing backwards, sinning wives the truth! I needed the truth. It hurt, but I needed it.
Thank you so much!

24 thoughts on “God Begins to Work in a Newlywed Wife’s Heart

  1. Dearest Newlywed Wife,
    I have just prayed for you and your marriage. I praise The Lord that He has shown you the Truth of His Word and restored you in His Grace so early in your marriage. I pray that as you rely completely on the power of the Holy Spirit, your marriage would be transformed into a shining light upon a hill representing the one flesh covenant of Christ and His Church.
    Much love to you,
    A 23-year Wife

  2. Dear new wife,

    Marriage is hard. My husband and I are about to celebrate our second anniversary. Our first year was really difficult. I thought to myself, “Is this what marriage is really all about?” There are things you just don’t know about your spouse prior to the wedding day that you can only learn after you get married. You not only have a lover, a best friend, but also a permanent roommate. Our second year has been better than the first and I anticipate our third year even better than that. Keep seeking the Lord. I hope you and your husband can talk through these things soon. I expect it will be an on-going conversation over time.

    God’s blessings in your marriage,

    A Sister

  3. New wife,

    PRAISE YAHWEH for this revelation so early in your marriage!!!! I will also be praying for you (both) daily . . . this is such an important time for you! This is so encouraging to me as well, being married 16 years, that there are new wives following who have their EYES OPEN!!!!!! Soooo awesome! WAY TO GO (!)

    And thanks again, April! (!!!). For guiding her to the Truth during a time when there are so many other “solutions” floating around out there. . . .

  4. Dear Peacefulwife,

    Thank you for sharing this. I am crying in our only car, as I read your post. I feel as if I wrote this letter.

    God is SO good.

    -A 9 month old wife.

    1. G.,

      My husband and I got off to a really rocky start just one week into our marriage. I spend every night the first 3 months of our marriage crying. I wish I knew then what I know now.

      I thank God that He is allowing some of the wives who come behind me to see it sooner. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you! πŸ™‚

      Sending you a huge hug!

  5. I discovered the peaceful wife’s site a few days ago as well and it is awesome. She is awesome. I am thankful and appreciative. Continue to do what you’re doing because you are doing it for God. Your husband will come around and if you continue doing what you’re doing your marriage will end up much better than it has ever been before. You are in my prayers.

    1. Sonya,
      It is wonderful to meet you! Thanks for encouraging our sister. :). Yes, it is my prayer that I might be faithful and that His Spirit might speak through me to everyone who reads.

  6. With you in prayers dear newly wed
    Because you have now chosen to work the Word, you will begin to enjoy peace in your marriage henceforth amen. The work maybe hard now but your reward will soon come. With incredible compensation. I celebrate your testimony in advance.
    I am a newly wed myself (just under a month) and by His Grace I have been living my marriage by the Book and it gets better and better. You too will testify. Amen.
    Peaceful wife, you are such a blessing. God bless you.
    E’

    1. E,
      Thank you for encouraging our sister in Christ! Congratulations on your new marriage. πŸ™‚ I pray for God to richly bless your walk with Him, your husband and your marriage for His greatest glory! πŸ™‚

  7. “There are things you just don’t know about your spouse prior to the wedding day that you can only learn after you get married. ”

    This sounds like a new post topic and a much needed sermon in most churches.

    “This is so encouraging to me as well, being married 16 years, that there are new wives following who have their EYES OPEN!!!!!!”

    Me too, as a single, never-married man!! It’s so good to hear so many stories of wives, and especially new wives, that finally see their own sins as well, and who are commiting themselves to deal with those sins with God to become godly, biblical wives! Thank you!!!

    This gives me some new hope that more women are “getting it,” and are starting to change the ways they think about and treat treat their men. Men need this kind of encouragement so much! We need to see girlfriends / wives who speak to and treat their men well!!! Thank you!!!

    I especially liked the following statements:

    “Continue to do what you’re doing because you are doing it for God.”

    Yes, this is important! We HATE being manipulated by our girlfriends/wives!

    “In that sentence I explained a womans point of view and gave him some praise to motivate him to listen and gave him a choice to listen to me or not by asking. …… I apologized to my husband for not taking better care of myself and getting overwhelmed because of it. I also told him I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness. That made him relax and feel understood.”

    I love reading from a wife that realizes AND TELLS HIM that she is responsible for her own happiness!!! This is a HUGE burden lifted of of our shoulders!!! I feel really happy for your husband!!! Thank you!!!

    Good job, wives!!!
    Thank you!!!

      1. I realized what really meant the most to me in her statement (other than taking her own responsibility for her happiness) was her apology.

        “I apologized to my husband for…”

        I’ve only ever seen a handful of women apologize for a handful of things, and usually those are very small and inconsequential things.

        I realize this is my own issue, but I would REALLY like to see a lot of Christian women apologize (to me and all Christian men) for all the pain and damage they have done to us.

        I’m tired of watching Christian women walk into church and laugh or shrug-off their sins against men as if those aren’t big deals, never minding the compulsory charge to seek our forgiveness or address the grievances they have caused us.

        And the church keeps repeatedly forgiving them when they neither thought of nor bothered to apologize to us at all.

        I know we should forgive women anyway (at least for our own sakes), but the requisite profit and worth of hearing Christian women tender to us their sincere admission of their debts (sins) and humble, repentant apologies to Christian men for those debts (sins) could induce an essential and fundamentally powerful, therapeutic, and restorative fruition in most men. We need this!!!

        I would love to see an entire (or several) dedicated day(s) at church (perhaps even Mother’s Day) when ALL Christian women stand up and apologize to the men for their sins against men, and repent humbly for all they’ve done. It would be a day when all the “tourist” women scream at and leave the church and some Christian men return. We’ve certainly already had our fair share of Father’s Day and thousands of normal Sunday services like this for years. I would love to see the women take their turn.

        Who here wants to “Woman-Up” and organize this in your churches?

        1. RG,

          I am have some posts coming that are a bit along these lines, maybe not a Mother’s Day service.

          But, I do want us to all repent of any sin we have committed against God or anyone, certainly including men. I know many men feel that women are not confronted about their sin in church today. I have to agree that was true for me.

          It is important for us to be confronted about our sin – in truth and love – so that we can repent and turn to Christ and stop destructive ways.

          Stay tuned…

          1. RG,
            You know what would be awesome on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day would be to talk about the power a wife has to bless her husband and children by respecting her husband genuinely and by supporting his authority as a father and as head of the home.

  8. You know, reading this post is like being slapped in the face for me. I think i’m the only one that sometimes feel so lonely, that my husband doesn’t care with me. But i was wrong. I’m not the only one though. Feel confused when i was looking the best way to get over from this feeling.
    But reading this post somehow make me realize that i must start change my self first. I can’t push people to act the way i want to. Especially to built a close relationship with God. I know it is not a coincidence that i can stop here and read your post. I do believe He have a better plan for me πŸ™‚

    Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post dear πŸ™‚

    1. Marialc,
      You are most welcome. You are right! Your job is to focus on Christ and allow Him to change you and to become the woman of God’s dreams – no matter what your husband chooses to do. As you obey God, your joy and peace and your respect and willingness to cooperate with him and honor him will speak to him in ways that nagging, criticizing, lecturing, preaching and pitching a fit could never do.

      Praying for God’s miracles in your heart first, and in your husband and your marriage. πŸ™‚

  9. Thank you newly wed! In the same boat as we have been married for 5 months. I moved into his house that he shared with an ex, so yeah there has been a lot of bitterness and resentment that came spewing out of my mouth many times only to end up with days like yours. I am sorry about your day, but if it helps, your story is helping women like me in these early stages. Fairy tales tells us its twinkling stars and martial bliss…. The reality is ITS HARD WORK to compromise and share and swallow your pride. One time I was so angry but swore I wouldn’t say anything hurtful, I bit my tongue until it bleed and ran out of the room shaking and crying- I believe I literally died to my flesh that day. I know God was proud that I kept my mouth shut, but gosh it was hard and it physically hurt me to control myself. After that first time though, it didn’t get so hard anymore. And I know its sad to say, but practice makes perfect. I know I am changing because the other day I was able to sit on the couch quietly listening to him tell me (to me it seemed like criticism) about me babying my son. And instead of yelling and getting angry, I was able to calmly say “I respect your thoughts, however I disagree with you.”

    1. Crissy,
      I am glad you are growing and learning, this part is painful to be sure. But it gets better!!

      You may ultimately disagree with your husband, that is ok. But do seek to honor his wisdom and suggestions as much as possible and to appreciate his willingness to bring up his concerns and to share his ideas. God may just speak to you through him sometimes. πŸ™‚

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His greatest glory in your life!

  10. I would yell and scream like a mad person almost all the time! yeah! And i thought.. I had to hold my dignity and not give in.. my husband is the sweetest gem! He never ignored me.. not even once. I took it for granted! Always yelled, shouted, frustrated and showed my anger! When he would not reply.. I got even more tense and yelled! And then it led to tears and he immediately feels sorry even after I crush him. He consoles me and says sorry for nothing wrong he did.

    I realized today that, Satan takes control of our emotions and turn it to anger and tries to seprerate us! My husband seems to feel hurt most of the time and just doesn’t make love. Instead he tries to take me to expensive restaurants..gets whatever i need.. does watever i ask and take care of our boy..5 month old.

    I realized what a beast I’ve been. I’ve let God out of our marriage and all this is happening. After reading all this..I was in tears. I realize how wonderful and an amazing person my husband is and as I read thru.. I asked God to change me.. I begged to God. Earlier today I told my husband angrily on phone that he doesn’t love me anymore and I hate everything. He said, he just doesn’t feel like talking about it as I was not respecting him. I yelled and slammed the phone. After,I read this and prayed for just 2 minutes.

    I was wondering whether I should call and say sorry or should I keep quiet and keep praying until my emotions surely settled in. I got a call from my husband just as I was thinking this way. He said, “Hi, dear.. I’m sorry if I angered you. I’ll come home in an hour. What are you doing?” I couldn’t speak.. all i did was weep uncontrollably! Yes, God had given me a gem and I wasted my time not appreciating him.

    I said I was sorry. He said it was okay as usual. I’m gonna pray everyday. I ve backslid on prayer. I used to think that I’m not sinning.. but not giving your husband respect itself is a sin. I’ve realized the truth. Ready to be a submissive wife and a prayer warrior! Gotta start reading my Bible not just by habit but in truth.. Thank you so much.

    1. Debbie,

      How I praise God for the way He has opened your eyes today! He did something very similar for me in December of 2008. I was mortified when I finally had to see my own sin! But I am so thankful for His mercy in showing us our sin so that we can repent of it and turn fully to Christ and allow Him to heal and transform us for His glory.

      Check out “Apologizing Stories” – that may be a blessing.

      Also, I am glad to help you find resources to help you with the next baby steps if you are interested.

      Much love to you!

      1. Debbie,

        I invite you to check out some of these posts, you may search my home page for:

        – ways husbands lead that their wives may not notice
        – what is disrespectful to husbands?
        – signs your husband may be feeling disrespected
        – what is respect in marriage?
        – why do I have to change first?
        – how to be filled with the Holy Spirit
        – husband idol
        – happiness idol
        – insecurity
        – security
        – discontentment
        – contentment
        – lordship of Christ
        – healthy vs unhealthy relationships
        – godly femininity

        Let me know how things are going!

        Much love!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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