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A Wife Faces Regrets and Finds Hope

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From another precious wife:
I really appreciate you taking the time and offering your encouragement and support. It means a lot to me. I am on day 3 right now and

last night my husband said whatever you are doing, keep doing it. 

I know he is happier and has said so. I am feeling relief in doing this as well. I am also seeing the faults and stress I brought to my marriage and relationship in the last few years. Especially as I read and clearly can see what I have learned so far. I even see the same pattern in what I did to my first marriage and all of this has made me a bit sad.
I never knew what I was doing and how mean I really was to do this and to the people that only wanted to be close to me. Even my own children have heard me yell and be angry. That’s many years,too, and all I can do now is push forward and pray I can show the new me as I am going to be today.
I read about how God will forgive us of our sins on your site and that felt good but I am still caring this burden of guilt for the divorce of my last marriage and breaking up my family.
That is the one thing I can’t seem to shake away nor have I figured out how to either. As a result it hinders sometimes what I can offer to my present marriage  and I want so bad to figure out how to move on. I am seeing a therapist now to help me with this struggle.  I was married to a good man before and he took care of the family as a provider, however, I was craving deeply the need for intimacy and passion in my life. However, over time the relationship got very unhealthy with addictions on both our sides. I no longer carry any addiction and it was short term.
However,  my ex-husband never would stop  drinking and I can see today that his true master was his alcohol and still is.  I can see that it kept his interest in his family and in me to more of the minimum while he frequented bars on his way home from work instead of having family dinner or family time most everyday of the week. It only resulted in me screaming and yelling asking him to quit. I threw his beer in the trash and he never yelled back and I looked like the crazy one. Perhaps I was, too, but then one day I stopped fighting and that’s when I started to stray from him.
As I am reading the book  I can’t help but look back. I can see  that maybe I could of never  surrendered to my ex husband when all the time I think I wanted too. Not if he carries an addiction to alcohol and still does.  After 23 years of marriage there was a day  I saw my ex-husband’s computer and found out he was looking at gay porn. It bothered me greatly and I struggled looking at him the same way.
We talked, I yelled, we talked, I cried and then one day I said I wanted a divorce.
He didn’t fight, cry or wish for me to stay. It was so sad and hurtful. He is a very passive man, too, and I left without him screaming or fighting for me. He did suggest that we stay together and I could see/date a partner and he see/date his and that was like confirming this was a road I couldn’t handle. So I left and have felt guilt ever since because it hurt my children. They’re more adults now and have moved on with their lives but I carry this burden inside. It’s been 5 years and I still cry. It’s so hard for me, still.
I was attracted to my husband because he was truly the opposite of what I was married to before. I didn’t let go though of the old behaviors that I learned in my prior marriage and this I can see clearly since finding your site and reading the book. I was still that wicked lady (fighting, struggling, yelling) and today I don’t want her back again. There is no reason to bring that behavior.
  • My husband has no addictions and he has said so much what the book says too about what I “was” doing but I couldn’t accept or see it. I guess I had to find it and read for it myself to see myself inside.
I feel blessed as I said to have discovered what I have. I want to let go of the past and my “guilt” too. I’m working on it but I wish I had the secret power of how?  I think I shared my story with you because something tells me you might have that answer. So far you have given me more than I have ever had in my life and last 25 years. Even if you can’t, perhaps my openness is just a little more about me and being vulnerable I feel like it might be ok. So, thank you either way.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
There is freedom from sin in Christ – TOTAL FREEDOM from every single sin.  
Jesus paid our debt to God in full.  Not one cent of debt remains.  When God looks at you now, He sees Jesus if your faith is in Him and you have received Him as your Savior and as your LORD.   If Jesus’ blood is sufficient for God to completely forget our sin – it is certainly sufficient for us to also forgive ourselves.  I am not above God that I should refuse to forgive something that He is willing to forgive.
 
YES, it would have been great if you could have known then what you know now.  I have certainly felt that way about my past, too.  How I WISH I had known 19 years ago what I know now!  Maybe things would have been different?   Why couldn’t I have understood all of this before?
But PRAISE GOD He has opened our eyes NOW!
 
  • Your husband’s addiction was not something you could control.  Your divorce is in your past.  You can repent to God for that now and find forgiveness for it if you realize that you had sinful motives.
  • You can repent to your children for any sin on your part.  You can repent to your ex-husband for any sin on your part.
  • Then you can trust God to work in your children’s lives and in your ex-husband’s life for their good and His glory.
  • God can change and heal them.  God can open their eyes.  You cannot.  You can pray for them and live out a godly example for them to see.  But only God can convict and change people.
 
Thankfully, God is sovereign – even over our sin and mistakes.  That is the key to finding peace – trusting in God’s sovereignty.   Our God is able to use even the awful things ultimately for our good and His glory.
 
God is now using my 14+ years of sin in my marriage to bring thousands of women to Himself around the world.  Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.  Even our sin.
 
Embrace God’s forgiveness through Christ.  Put all your faith in what Jesus has done for you and submit yourself fully to Jesus as LORD.  Then let’s see what amazing adventure He has in store for  you and what a beautiful picture He is creating through your life to draw others to Himself!
 
I am so thrilled about what God is doing in your heart and in your marriage now.
 
  • We will pray for your ex husband to find Christ.  
  • We will pray for healing for your children.  
  • We will pray for healing for you and for your current marriage.
  • We will pray for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your marriage now!
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PS:
This sweet wife did send an apology to her ex husband – and began to feel so much more freedom in her spirit, a lifting of the guilt, and began to embrace all that Jesus has done for her to pay for her sins in full.
God allows us to feel guilt so that we will return to Him.  Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  Worldly sorrow leads to death.  God does not intend for us to live in prolonged guilt, but to turn from sin and turn to Himself and be healed and set free!

 

RELATED:

I Want a Divorce!

God Stops a Wife’s Divorce Plans

He Doesn’t Deserve My Respect

19 thoughts on “A Wife Faces Regrets and Finds Hope

  1. What an amazing story of Gods redemptive power and grace! I am struggling with a sin right now that has become a daily pattern and has left me feeling like I am without hope. Just reading this story and then the gospel, which I do know and have known, preached in a new refreshing way today humblest me and makes me want to cry and seek God and His grace and repentance. Thank you to this dear wife for sharing her story. Much needed on a day and week of despair. God bless…

    1. missysue722,

      God can certainly remove the guilt of your sin, too, my sweet girl! I’m so glad you want to seek Him. And very glad that this wife’s story encouraged you to look to Christ. He is truly our only hope!

  2. One of the best posts I’ve read on your blog. Powerful testimony. It really spoke yo my life to reconsider my thoughts a bout divorce. Marriage has been so though for us. But we are trying because of our kids but I am holding on because of my trust in Jesus Christ. Through Him I can do it.

    1. Yasmin,
      I’m so glad this was so helpful to you.

      Jesus IS able to heal broken people and broken marriages.

      God allows for divorce in cases of infidelity (although it is not mandated – many people can and do overcome adultery by God’s power and have stronger marriages later!) and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. I know our society allows divorce for any reason. But if it is not about those two reasons – divorce is sin on our part.

      David Platt has a 4 part sermon series called Secret Church – Family, Marriage, Sex and the Gospel that has a powerful section about divorce. It would definitely be worth listening to. 🙂

      There can be times separation may be necessary if there is abuse or addictions or major problems – but with an eye toward reconciliation and trusting God’s power to work and move in us and in our husbands.

      I have a post about considering divorce “I Want a Divorce”

      And “God Stops a Wife’s Divorce Plans”

      I’m here if you want to talk more about anything. I will do my best to point you to Christ, my precious sister! 🙂

  3. Thank you for this post. So many people struggle in marriage it almost seems hopeless at times. I keep catching myself starting arguments with my husband over silly things. I had the furnace off and he said leave it on at least 60 degrees so it doesnt get too cold in here. I was too hot so I shut it off all the time. He wasnt being orderly or mean, just letting me know it needs to be on and he explained why. I started yelling at him I was hot. WHoa. I stopped myself and abrubtly said OK I understand what your saying. 60 degrees wont be too warm in here.He went to watch TV and I texted him an apology. He came upstairs an hour later and we discussed my reactions and how my past abuse causes me to be on guard. Its become very important for me to catch myself, stop, change my response, apologize and then a short discussion about it with him later. Ive found this helps better than trying to say nothing because if I stay quiet Im still argueing with him in my head at times. Better for me to talk it out and thankfully he is very open to this. Heseems relieved the more he realizes how messed up I am in this area and thats fine. Im sure Ive made him feel completely incompetent as a husband over the years and I can literally sence the relief in him during these talks. His degree of compassion for me varies with how intense our conflict was.. He appreciates me stopping myself. He sees my struggle better now as we have been on this past for months now.Im really seeing how TV is his cooling down period. He uses it to escape our marriage. I dont blame him and Im gonna leave him alone about that. Better the TV than another woman. This is a process. We both need to heal.Im so glad he is committed to the process.Ive told him so.We hug more now. Sort of a comforting type of hugging.No words needed but just a sign of hang in there, were gonna make it through this.I remind myself every day, he is not against me. We are on the same team.Thanks for continueing the stories on this site and shareing your knowledge and insights.

  4. I often struggle with the overall idea of Grace and forgiveness. I want to believe when I truly repent of my sins with a contrite heart (meaning- I know what I did was wrong. I know why it is wrong. I know how it has hurt myself or people I love and I am (key word here)EARNESTLY trying to never do it again). So when I make this confession to God, I know I am forgiven but I still feel dirty and sinful. It is my pride. God says I am forgiven. I need to let it go… but I like to carry it around like my cross to bear sometimes.
    I have been reminded by many wonderful people that when I refuse to allow the Grace to wash me clean that I am sinning against God. I am telling God “Who are you to tell me my sins are forgiven?!”
    When I am specifically struggling with letting go of a sin, I often ask myself if I am really contrite. Do I really believe in my heart what I did is wrong and I shouldn’t do it or am I just doing some house cleaning and moving some furniture? Often times, when I do not open the door to God’s Grace, it is because there is more to the story/sin and I have not fully come clean to myself or God.
    I want to hug this wife and tell her to fully give this guilt to God. He will wash her clean and bring glory to her situation.

    1. I just thought today would be a perfect day to share my daily bible verse I sometimes look at. It really blessed my soul
      Isaiah 1:18

      “Come now, let’s settle this,”
      says the Lord.
      “Though your sins are like scarlet,
      I will make them as white as snow.
      Though they are red like crimson,
      I will make them as white as wool.
      This is Gods word to you sara When you come to Christ in true repentance.

    2. Sara,

      I used to not forgive myself either. It is impossible to extend grace, forgiveness and mercy if we will not receive it ourselves.

      PRAISE GOD that Jesus’ blood is strong enough to cover ANY and EVERY sin in my life. 🙂 If God is satisfied with the payment Jesus made on my behalf for my massive debt to Him – it would absolutely be pride to say, “God may accept Jesus’ blood to cover my sins, but I am above God and I refuse to accept His blood as adequate payment for my sin against God.”

      Thank you so much for sharing and for your love for our sister. 🙂

  5. Tami,

    I am so sorry today is so hard! Praying you have time to get your eyes on Christ and to find the wisdom, strength, power, love and courage you need to honor God today in the midst of the storm.

    I am praying for you!!!!

  6. we need to be careful and correct our thinking/word usage when it comes to forgiveness. this whole “forgiving ourselves” thing is rampant. We can add NOTHING to His forgiveness. think about it! If we could forgive ourselves why did He do what He did to provide the forgiveness we need… i see nothing in scripture that supports or speaks of “forgiving ourselves”. Let us correct this misleading phrase. We need to accept/receive/acknowledge HIS forgiveness, recognizing that we cannot forgive ourselves and how GRATEFUL we are that HE has done it! DONE. FINISHED.

    1. Luann,

      God’s forgiveness is all that is needed, that is true. Some people hold sin against themselves and do not accept God’s forgiveness – that is not our place! What God accepts as adequate payment for our sin is more than enough. 🙂

  7. Thank you Ladies not only for your blogs but your comments. My marriage has been unhealthy for years I prayed for him for us…. its not until I filed for Divorce and he left as nd moved in with a virtual stranger (women) that I understood how much I loved my husband. My best friend gave me the power of a praying wife she felt Gods presance and he wanted me to read it. I read it in a week it shook me to my core. I was doing it all wrong and listening to the world instead of God. That day God told me to withdrawal my divorce petition I could not make myself do it. Today after reading your stories I had the courage to withdrawal and I immediately felt Gods Peace & Presance♥ Thank you Jesus! Thank you Ladies God Bless…

  8. This post is EXACTLY the struggle I face daily. I have tried to find something on your blog before to help me with this issue and I hadn’t untill today.. The way it echoes my situation is uncanny. I too left my previous husband (children estranged) 6 yrs ago. My pain from the guilt, regret, loss, remorse, shame came with it. He too was an alcoholic, porn and gambler.. I had only just given my life to Christ and thought I needed to leave such a place as destructive as that marriage was. I realise now it could have been possible to have changed WITHIN that situation but would that have meant my husband would have changed along with me?
    Never the less Ive now married a God fearing man whom supports me through this “peaceful-wife” journey.. I pray every day for forgiveness for leaving my family and pray that I become the wife Jesus wants me to be.
    But the pang of guilt still remains. So much so that I doubt I’ll ever get over it but need to learn how to deal with it. It saddens me so much. Debilitates me at times.
    I have apologised to my ex and my children. They all see the difference in me.
    This blog has been a blessing in my life- so thank you and God bless you all.

    1. Sheli,

      My heart breaks for you and your family and for the pain you are experiencing now! I can understand why you left your previous husband. That was a lot of sin and toxicity going on – on his end of the marriage over which you had no control. I assume you asked him to stop those things and he refused?

      I’m really glad you repented and have apologized to everyone.

      The whole divorce and remarriage thing for believers can be rather confusing. I don’t know that I have a handle on all of the implications, myself.

      I know that God doesn’t want us to live in guilt, and that Jesus died to take away all of our shame and guilt. I pray He will give you His wisdom and peace about exactly what He desires you to do to make things right – and that you might obey His voice and live in peace in your heart.

      Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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