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A Wife Faces Regrets and Finds Hope

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From another precious wife:
I really appreciate you taking the time and offering your encouragement and support. It means a lot to me. I am on day 3 right now and

last night my husband said whatever you are doing, keep doing it. 

I know he is happier and has said so. I am feeling relief in doing this as well. I am also seeing the faults and stress I brought to my marriage and relationship in the last few years. Especially as I read and clearly can see what I have learned so far. I even see the same pattern in what I did to my first marriage and all of this has made me a bit sad.
I never knew what I was doing and how mean I really was to do this and to the people that only wanted to be close to me. Even my own children have heard me yell and be angry. That’s many years,too, and all I can do now is push forward and pray I can show the new me as I am going to be today.
I read about how God will forgive us of our sins on your site and that felt good but I am still caring this burden of guilt for the divorce of my last marriage and breaking up my family.
That is the one thing I can’t seem to shake away nor have I figured out how to either. As a result it hinders sometimes what I can offer to my present marriage  and I want so bad to figure out how to move on. I am seeing a therapist now to help me with this struggle.  I was married to a good man before and he took care of the family as a provider, however, I was craving deeply the need for intimacy and passion in my life. However, over time the relationship got very unhealthy with addictions on both our sides. I no longer carry any addiction and it was short term.
However,  my ex-husband never would stop  drinking and I can see today that his true master was his alcohol and still is.  I can see that it kept his interest in his family and in me to more of the minimum while he frequented bars on his way home from work instead of having family dinner or family time most everyday of the week. It only resulted in me screaming and yelling asking him to quit. I threw his beer in the trash and he never yelled back and I looked like the crazy one. Perhaps I was, too, but then one day I stopped fighting and that’s when I started to stray from him.
As I am reading the book  I can’t help but look back. I can see  that maybe I could of never  surrendered to my ex husband when all the time I think I wanted too. Not if he carries an addiction to alcohol and still does.  After 23 years of marriage there was a day  I saw my ex-husband’s computer and found out he was looking at gay porn. It bothered me greatly and I struggled looking at him the same way.
We talked, I yelled, we talked, I cried and then one day I said I wanted a divorce.
He didn’t fight, cry or wish for me to stay. It was so sad and hurtful. He is a very passive man, too, and I left without him screaming or fighting for me. He did suggest that we stay together and I could see/date a partner and he see/date his and that was like confirming this was a road I couldn’t handle. So I left and have felt guilt ever since because it hurt my children. They’re more adults now and have moved on with their lives but I carry this burden inside. It’s been 5 years and I still cry. It’s so hard for me, still.
I was attracted to my husband because he was truly the opposite of what I was married to before. I didn’t let go though of the old behaviors that I learned in my prior marriage and this I can see clearly since finding your site and reading the book. I was still that wicked lady (fighting, struggling, yelling) and today I don’t want her back again. There is no reason to bring that behavior.
  • My husband has no addictions and he has said so much what the book says too about what I “was” doing but I couldn’t accept or see it. I guess I had to find it and read for it myself to see myself inside.
I feel blessed as I said to have discovered what I have. I want to let go of the past and my “guilt” too. I’m working on it but I wish I had the secret power of how?  I think I shared my story with you because something tells me you might have that answer. So far you have given me more than I have ever had in my life and last 25 years. Even if you can’t, perhaps my openness is just a little more about me and being vulnerable I feel like it might be ok. So, thank you either way.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
There is freedom from sin in Christ – TOTAL FREEDOM from every single sin.  
Jesus paid our debt to God in full.  Not one cent of debt remains.  When God looks at you now, He sees Jesus if your faith is in Him and you have received Him as your Savior and as your LORD.   If Jesus’ blood is sufficient for God to completely forget our sin – it is certainly sufficient for us to also forgive ourselves.  I am not above God that I should refuse to forgive something that He is willing to forgive.
 
YES, it would have been great if you could have known then what you know now.  I have certainly felt that way about my past, too.  How I WISH I had known 19 years ago what I know now!  Maybe things would have been different?   Why couldn’t I have understood all of this before?
But PRAISE GOD He has opened our eyes NOW!
 
  • Your husband’s addiction was not something you could control.  Your divorce is in your past.  You can repent to God for that now and find forgiveness for it if you realize that you had sinful motives.
  • You can repent to your children for any sin on your part.  You can repent to your ex-husband for any sin on your part.
  • Then you can trust God to work in your children’s lives and in your ex-husband’s life for their good and His glory.
  • God can change and heal them.  God can open their eyes.  You cannot.  You can pray for them and live out a godly example for them to see.  But only God can convict and change people.
 
Thankfully, God is sovereign – even over our sin and mistakes.  That is the key to finding peace – trusting in God’s sovereignty.   Our God is able to use even the awful things ultimately for our good and His glory.
 
God is now using my 14+ years of sin in my marriage to bring thousands of women to Himself around the world.  Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.  Even our sin.
 
Embrace God’s forgiveness through Christ.  Put all your faith in what Jesus has done for you and submit yourself fully to Jesus as LORD.  Then let’s see what amazing adventure He has in store for  you and what a beautiful picture He is creating through your life to draw others to Himself!
 
I am so thrilled about what God is doing in your heart and in your marriage now.
 
  • We will pray for your ex husband to find Christ.  
  • We will pray for healing for your children.  
  • We will pray for healing for you and for your current marriage.
  • We will pray for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your marriage now!
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PS:
This sweet wife did send an apology to her ex husband – and began to feel so much more freedom in her spirit, a lifting of the guilt, and began to embrace all that Jesus has done for her to pay for her sins in full.
God allows us to feel guilt so that we will return to Him.  Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  Worldly sorrow leads to death.  God does not intend for us to live in prolonged guilt, but to turn from sin and turn to Himself and be healed and set free!

 

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