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a pic I took of a "wedding cake topper at Wal-mart

But I’m Right! I am the Better Leader. I Should Be in Charge.


  • This seems like more than I can handle (part 1)
  • When do I get to the “peaceful” part? (part 1)
  • I don’t want to lose my voice in my marriage. (part 2)
  • I feel like I am losing myself. (part 2)
  • I feel so lonely. (part 3)
  • I don’t know how to say things respectfully to my husband, so I am just not saying anything at all. (part 3)
  • My husband isn’t changing at all.   (part 4)
  • Respect doesn’t work on my husband. (part 4)
  • But I’m right!
  • I’m so scared to give up control! I need to be in charge! Everything will fall apart if I don’t take charge!
  • He doesn’t deserve my respect! (Part 6)
  • My husband doesn’t love me and is not on board with this marriage. (Part 4)
  • Why can’t HE change first?  Why do I have to change when he’s the one who is so far from God and so unloving? (Part 7)

9. But I’m Right!

Hold on here, ladies!  This is probably going to be a painful one.  I pray that God’s Spirit will speak directly to you today – as I pray for every post.  My wisdom is worthless.  The only message that matters is God’s truth and His Word.  May we each be prayerfully attentive to anything His Spirit wants us to hear.

I’m going to deconstruct what God showed me a few years ago was really going on in my mind, heart and soul…  and – it was NOT pretty.

Here is what was behind my attitude for those first 14.5 years in our marriage that “I’m right.”

  • I truly believed that I was always right and Greg was always wrong.  Always.
  • I also believed that I understood God’s will and Greg didn’t.
  • I believed I was more spiritual and more spiritually mature than Greg.
  • I prayed daily and read my Bible daily.  Sometimes I prayed for 4 hours/day on my days off.  See how spiritual I was?
  • I told God what He needed to do.  I dictated things to Him.  I could just see it all so clearly.  So – I was happy to tell Him what He needed to do in each and every situation.  Because – I clearly knew best and had such incredible wisdom.
  • I believed that I was a strong Christian and Greg was not.
  • I believed I was “better than” Greg.
  • I believed I made better decisions than Greg did.
  • I believed I was smarter than Greg.  I had the grades and scholarships to “prove it”.  And I could quote so much more of the Bible than he could.
  • I believed I “had” to take over leadership in the marriage because Greg “wouldn’t” lead.  I mean – I asked him to make decisions.  And then I waited all of 5-20 minutes.  When he couldn’t come up with an answer after I pressured him that whole time  – I clearly had to take over.  He should think just like me and make decisions as quickly as I do – or he’s obviously “wrong.”
  • I trusted my wisdom much more than I trusted Greg’s wisdom.  His ideas didn’t make sense to me.
  • My perspective was the only one on the planet that I deemed to be “correct” and “valid.” If someone didn’t think just like I did – they were automatically “wrong.”
  • I set myself up above God, too.  Not consciously – but I believed I was “above” having to forgive people.  I deserved to hold on to grudges and resentment because other people were wrong and I was right.  There were a number of passages in scripture that I just blatantly ignored and did things my way instead – not even acknowledging that I was rebelling against Scripture.

I was blind to my mountain of sin.  I didn’t just have a 2X4 in my eye.  I had a massive forest. 🙁  Turns out I – April Cassidy – am a WRETCHED sinner.  I never truly faced that before.

So – I don’t know if you are able to see it or not –  It’s just so obscure and difficult to notice (ha!) –  but – my PRIDE was through the roof.  I’m not sure how God measures pride.  Mine was off the charts.

Quite honestly, looking at it now – my pride must have been as big or bigger than Satan’s.  He set out to be “equal” to God.  I set myself above God in my heart.  I worshipped SELF.  I trusted ME.  I thought I was an awesome Christian.  But I didn’t actually trust God.  I didn’t understand His sovereignty.  I lived as if I was sovereign and everything was completely up to me to make things happen “right.”

If you compare my line of thought with the Pharisees – I think I would have made a pretty “good Pharisee”  – if women were allowed to be Pharisees.  You know – Jesus had much more harsh words for the Pharisees who were prideful and self-righteous than He did for thieves, murderers, adulterers, tax-collectors and prostitutes.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  James 4:6

God didn’t answer my prayers for Him to change Greg all those years.  I would get so mad about that, too!  I would pray for Greg to pray with me.  That was clearly God’s will, right?  And by that night at 11:30pm when Greg didn’t pray with me, I was SO ANGRY at God and at Greg.  They were NOT doing God’s will!  It was exasperating.  I tried to drag Greg and God around to do MY will.  But I didn’t see that my pride caused God to oppose me to my face.

Really – although I never consciously saw it this way and would never have SAID any of these things to myself or out loud, what I really expected was for:

  • Greg to submit to ME
  • God to submit to ME
  • other people to do MY will
  • other people to obey ME
  • people to admit that I was always right, wise and good
  • people to see that they needed my help and my wisdom desperately

I expected, basically, to be worshipped – because I worshipped myself.


You know – when you see it all broken down and written out like this – it looks REALLY, REALLY AWFUL!

This is what in my heart when I was disrespectful, controlling and contentious.  

  • Idolatry of self.
  • The belief that I am sovereign, not God.
  • The belief that it is my RIGHT and my DUTY to make other people do what I think they should do.
  • The belief that it is the responsibility and duty of others to do what I say to do.

This is why I could get so angry if people didn’t do what I wanted them to do.  This is why I believed I should and could control others.  This is why I had the right to be disrespectful – because I had myself in my heart as god.  Other people owed me obedience and reverence and respect.  They would face my wrath if they wouldn’t cooperate with my leadership and my self-appointed “authority.”

  • Is there any sin that is worse than idolatry?

I am truly the chief of sinners.

I committed idolatry every waking moment for probably 30 years.  I thought I trusted Jesus.  I said I trusted Jesus.  But the fruit of my life and reality was that I didn’t trust and obey Jesus.  I was not full of His Spirit.  My sinful nature was in firm control and I broke the 1st commandment constantly.  Thousands and thousands of times – hundreds of thousands of times or more.  I was an idolator and didn’t even know it.

That is why I had no peace or joy.  I was worried, afraid and very lonely.  I was trying to carry the weight of God on my shoulders.  That is STRESSFUL!  And I was trying to carry the weight of the marriage and family on my shoulders that God designed Greg to carry, not me.  That was too much weight for me!

My pride repelled God and repelled other people.

  • Is there any sin that is worse than pride?  

That was the sin of Lucifer (who became Satan).  It is a root sin for practically every other sin – my thinking that I know best and my wisdom is higher than God’s and I am exempt from having to obey God’s Word because I am above God.

I am SO VERY THANKFUL that God humbled me.


  • God is wise.  I am not.  God’s wisdom is infinitely higher than my own.  My wisdom is foolishness in God’s sight.
  • God is God.  I am a sinful, weak, small human made of dust.
  • God is good.  I am not.  My best attempts at holiness are like “filthy, bloody menstrual rags” in God’s sight. (Isaiah 64)
  • I am desperately wretchedly sinful on my own and I NEED the blood, mercy, forgiveness and grace of Christ.
  • The wages of sin is death.  Romans 3:23 – that is what I earned.  I deserve separation from God.
  • I didn’t just owe Him $2000 sin dollars or something small.  I owe Him BILLIONS.
  • I have sinned MUCH.  Now I have been forgiven MUCH.  Now I can love Jesus MUCH.
  • God’s Word has wisdom.  I need the wisdom of God and His Word.
  • God’s Word says that my husband is to be the head of our marriage and our home.  God designated Greg to be in charge, not me.  I Corinthians 11:3.  That is God’s wisdom for me.
  • Greg has wisdom to offer to me that will bless me.
  • I do not always know best.
  • I am not always right.
  • God always knows best.  He is always right.
  • Greg may know better than I do.  He may be right sometimes and I may be wrong.
  • Humility is beautiful and is the first step of this journey.  I must be “poor in spirit,” able to recognize my utter spiritual poverty before a holy, righteous, just JUDGE and King of the universe.

Submission begins for every disciple of Christ when we submit ourselves totally to Jesus.  Then, out of reverence and submission to Him, I then obey His commands to me as a wife to respect my husband and submit to (honor his leadership).  God is God.  I submit to Him!  Not the  other way around!

10. I am the better leader.  I have to be in charge.

That picture at the top of this post makes me REALLY sad now.  But it accurately portrays my attitude earlier in our marriage.  It is not a beautiful picture of marriage!  I made a selfish mess out of things.

God does not designate the husbands to be the leaders because they are “more valuable” or “better than” wives or because wives are “second class” somehow.  He designed marriage to be this way out of His wisdom and in order to showcase the profound mystery of the relationship between Christ and the church.  In Ephesians 5:22-33, God intends the husband in every marriage to represent the selfless, unfailing love of Christ for His church.  And God intends the wife to represent the reverence, adoration and submission of the church for Christ.

God has assigned us parts in as if in a “play” – that our children and the world around us might watch and be in awe of this relationship that points clearly to Christ and His salvation that is available to us all.

This is not about who has a higher IQ or a better college education.  It’s not about who makes a better choice about individual decisions.

This is about God’s wisdom that is infinitely higher than my own.  It is about His purposes being fulfilled in my marriage.  It is about His glory.  

It is about HIM – not me.

  • If God will be greatly glorified by me following my husband’s leadership – great!  I accept His will and His design.  I want to be the best follower I can be.
  • If God wants to show me that He is able to lead me through this imperfect husband of mine to accomplish His will – who am I to tell God that He is wrong and my way is better?  I humble myself before Almighty God and seek to obey Him in all things whether I understand it or not, whether I agree with Him or not, whether it is politically correct or not, whether anyone else is obeying Him or not.
  • If God wants to draw people to Christ through this particular design for marriage, and He is my LORD – then I am on board all the way.  “Lord, tell me what You want me to do.  I’m on it!”
  • If God wants to teach my husband to be more like Christ by having him lead in our marriage – I will support all that God wants to do in Greg’s heart and life.  I will be a teammate to Greg, cheering him on and blessing him as he seeks to fulfill God’s role for him.
  • If God wants me to be a servant to my husband and family and to others – that is what I want to be!
  • If God wants to teach my children and model for them how to submit to God-given authorities in their lives – then I want to set the most beautiful and God-empowered example for them ever and leave a godly legacy for them to follow.  I want those who come behind me to find me faithful by God’s power working in me.

This marriage thing is not about Greg and April.

It is about God.

It is about His kingdom.

It is about His glory.

What a blessing, honor and privilege to be God’s daughter, to be free from my sin, to have access to the riches of heaven, to be able to play the part God has assigned to me with passion, joy, thanksgiving and honor.

When I do things God’s way – He is glorified and I am blessed.

44 thoughts on “But I’m Right! I am the Better Leader. I Should Be in Charge.

  1. April, I am really loving this series! I am seeing things about myself that I didn’t see before. God is really opening my eyes and heart, more and more!! Thank you so much! 🙂

    1. Bridget,

      These are some tough things to face. Very humbling things. But we have to see this stuff before God can change us. There are so many blessings on the other side of this painful step.

      I am glad God is using this to help you see things more clearly. 🙂

      Much love!

  2. Yes,yes! I echo what Bridget said. Looking at the idols and pride in my life.. Wow. Seriously, I didn’t know the level of sin. No wonder peace hasn’t been my companion very much.

  3. I especially like the “play” metaphor. I used to want to “play” the lead AND the supporting role. As though, if say, the play was Jesus Christ Superstar, I would want to play Jesus AND Judas… at the same time! Hilarious and confusing! Firstly, I am a woman. Secondly, I should only stick to ONE role — TWO roles at once makes for a bad play wherein I would be exhausted and the audience would be unhappy AND confused! 🙂

    Thanks for the daily posts, April. Your blog plus the Bible are my daily source of strength. My spiritual Vitamins. :)God bless you, dear sis!

    1. Veronica,

      Yes- one person attempting to play two parts would be confusing for the audience and exhausting for the actress. So true! 🙂

      I continue to pray for you and for your country!! You are all on my heart all day every day.

  4. This. THIS. If you wrote nothing else, April, this post in and of itself contains the wisdom and the biblical perspective that would revolutionize Christian marriages if it were taken to heart by Christian wives. As you know, my own marriage was very similar to yours, but without the awakening you (thankfully) experienced. In most other Christian marriages I’ve observed over the years, the story is similar. At best, even if the wife doesn’t insist on being the leader of the two, she insists on being co-leader and has at least some significant areas in which she disrespects her husband. As a result, after my divorce I was very skeptical that your teaching would find much of an audience; not that it isn’t both critical and true, but because it goes against the grain so much. So I’ve been blessed to see the number of women who have responded to your writings (with God’s help, as I’m sure you’d say). God bless you and keep it up.

  5. Wow. I saw myself (thankfully how I used to be) in your post. I too saw myself as always right and the better person in my marriage. The fact that my husband and I have just celebrated our 30th anniversary is, first, because of God’s love and mercy, and second, because my husband is such a good, gracious man. For the last few years I have been learning more and more about how to be the woman God wants me to be. Your blog has so much God inspired wisdom. I truly thank you for sharing!
    It feels so wonderful and yes PEACEFUL to release my death grip of control and relax in God’s and my husband’s care. I am truly feeling “the peace that passes all understanding.” My husband is smiling now and being sweeter to me more and more every day.
    Keep the posts coming!

    1. W.,
      Congratulations on celebrating your 30th anniversary! What a blessing! 🙂

      I am so excited about what God is teaching you and all that He is doing in your heart.

      Tell me something, W., many women in the early stages of this journey are terrified to give up control – looking back now – do you feel like you had to sacrifice anything that was actually valuable to do this God’s way? It sounds to me like it has been more than worth it to you. 🙂

      I love that you are living in God’s supernatural peace and resting in His love and your husband’s love. I know I NEVER want to go back to my old ways of doing things! You could not PAY me to do that stuff anymore!

      Much love to you my sister!

      1. Thank you, April!
        The changes in me did not happen overnight. You speak of a journey. That is exactly what it is and the destination is personal joy and peace.

        As far back as I can remember, being in control of my own life was prominent in my attitudes and actions. My father left my mother for another woman when I was five. I was home and witnessed the horrible verbal and physical fight that culminated in his squealing car tires as he left. I saw my Mom weeping and begging him not to leave. I guess this was my first lesson in self-reliance. I’d never put myself in a position with anyone where I would need them so much I’d fall apart if or really WHEN they left.

        I truly thought that self-reliance was evidence of personal strength and was a laudable trait. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. Being too attached to someone was just asking for trouble. I was saved by Christ and believed the Bible but I had no understanding of my own sin: arrogance, pride, and distrust of everyone INCLUDING God. I was blind to my own sin and was convinced I was better than most people. This spilled over into my marriage in a poisonous tide. I grabbed onto the steering wheel from the passenger seat all the while thinking I knew better. And the most incredulous thing? I thought my husband would be pleased that I wasn’t a needy woman, that he would be happy that he didn’t have to see after me! Boy, oh, boy.

        So, have I given up anything of value? No, I think I have FOUND that treasure in a field that Jesus spoke of. I have traded my ashes for beauty. I have a growing relationship with Jesus that is real. I trust God to take care of me. My realization that I am as you said a “wretched sinner” was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because of this, the poisonous tide in my marriage has changed to the sweetest water. I am not perfect in this journey but I want my life to be a testimony to what following God’s plan can do in a marriage. My husband responded positively almost immediately to the changes in me. Where before he never mentioned God, now he occasionally reaches out to take my hand to pray over our meal. Where before he was sullen and absent, now he plans things for us to do TOGETHER.

        But the greatest change has been in me. I am calmer and more joyful. I have discovered that from the passenger seat one can truly enjoy the scenery! I can rest when I get tired or dance in my seat if I want to! 🙂 I look forward to the rest of my journey.

        I am thankful for your blog. It is such a blessing to have this helpful resource readily available. You and your husband are on my list of people I thank God for in prayer.

        1. W.,

          Wow! Your experience with your parents BREAKS MY HEART!!!!!!!

          You learned to expect men to leave and to expect to have to take care of yourself. That dramatically impacted your understanding of God, men, marriage, masculinity and femininity… I can’t begin to imagine how big the scars would be from that devastating experience.

          I LOVE your story! Gives me chills!

          I wonder if you might allow me to share these two comments anonymously as a post? I think that many other wives might be greatly encouraged.

          I am so excited about what God is doing in your life and marriage!!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

          Yes – this is the treasure Jesus was talking about- it is worth giving up everything else in the world to have it.

          Much love to you my precious sister! Thank you for shining for Him and allowing Him to work in you!

  6. Love this post April!!! Such incredible life changing truths!!! And I’m a testimony of that!!! Praising God for you! And praying each wife that reads this will allow God to let these truths change them and their marriage and bring Him Glory in the process!! I think one of the biggest changes I’ve experienced as I’ve done this journey is I have an unshakeable trust in God! I truly believe He is sovereign and I delight in waiting on Him in every situation. He is faithful!!

    1. Angelique,

      It has been quite a ride since July of 2012 with you! 🙂 I am in AWE of all that God has done in your life, in your husband and in your marriage. I praise Him that He opened your eyes and for the beautiful work He is doing in your life. You are a treasure and a blessing to me my friend! Thank you of praying for the other wives. This week – I have seen God move powerfully in so many lives. I can’t wait to see all He has in store! 🙂

      That is the most important thing – our walk with Christ, our trust and faith in His sovereignty, our obedience to Him. 🙂 It’s pretty amazing to be able to say, “I delight waiting on Him now!” I can remember when I was the WORST wait-er EVER! 🙂 But now – I trust Him. How I pray that my trust and faith will just continue to grow exponentially. 🙂 I pray the same thing for you. He is so very good and He is faithful. AND – His timetables are perfect.

  7. God gave me a test on this one today. Yesterday, my husband had to make a decision. I knew he was making the wrong decision but I didn’t push my opinion. I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing. Today that decision turned out to be wrong and cost us money we didn’t have. In the past, I would have insisted he do it my way in the first place and if he didn’t I would berate him all day for not listening to me. But, instead, I just didn’t say anything and just planned a nice afternoon for us. I am not happy with what happen and I want to question God why He allowed this to happen but I am trying to be at peace and see it as a test that I am passing.

    1. Great job, DaisyMae!

      This is part of God teaching your husband to lead. It is by his mistakes he will learn the most. I hope he is willing to learn and grow from this experience. I am so proud of you!

      If this continues to happen, you may have to address it – but right now, let’s see what God does! 🙂

      keep me updated, please!

    2. Gail,


      The consequences of that one decision would be extremely painful to live with. Goodness. I cannot imagine! I am sure your husband grieves over it every day himself. I am so thankful that God has given you the power to forgive your husband. That bitterness could have destroyed your marriage. I don’t know God’s plans for your precious grandbaby. But I am so thankful that you see God’s sovereignty in the midst of all of this.

      I pray for God’s will and His glory for you, for Mark, for your marriage, for your daughter, for your former son in law and for your daughter.

      Thank you for sharing. I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

      Much love to you!

      1. Gail,

        Goodness, how heartbreaking!!!!!

        As a pharmacist, I have seen many people and families go through dealing with various addictions. Meth has to be one of the worst – and is very prevalent in the area where I work.

        I cannot begin to imagine what a strain this put on your marriage. I am thankful for you sharing your story – and I think you describe a pretty normal dynamic where a mom is more tempted to try to nurture and intervene and fathers are more likely to try to allow the child to suffer consequences of their choices and learn from their mistakes.

        You are right that there is not the support for parents of children with addictions that there is for parents of children with serious illnesses. That is extremely unfortunate – because families in a crisis like this need more support, love and prayers than ever.

        Hmmm… you give me much to think about. Thank you so much, Gail!!!!

        And thank you for allowing me to share more of your story. 🙂 I have a feeling God has plans to use all of it for GREAT GOOD.

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