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Respect Doesn’t Work on My Husband

1363174_99728195We are looking at some FAQs that I receive in this series.

  • This seems like more than I can handle (part 1)
  • When do I get to the “peaceful” part? (part 1)
  • I don’t want to lose my voice in my marriage. (part 2)
  • I feel like I am losing myself. (part 2)
  • I feel so lonely. (part 3)
  • I don’t know how to say things respectfully to my husband, so I am just not saying anything at all. (part 3)
  • My husband isn’t changing at all.  
  • Respect doesn’t work on my husband.
  • But I’m right!
  • I’m so scared to give up control!  Everything will fall apart if I don’t take charge!
  • He doesn’t deserve my respect!
  • My husband doesn’t love me and is not on board with this marriage.
  • Why can’t HE change first?  Why do I have to change when he’s the one who is so far from God and so unloving?

7. My husband isn’t changing at all.  

Let me share some secrets with you that will help to reframe our thinking:

  • It’s going to be extremely important that we don’t make “changing our husbands” our goal.  We are not God’s Spirit.  We are humans.  We don’t change people.  Only God changes people.  We can INFLUENCE people – but we must wait on God to change people.  God commands us to love and respect our husbands as they are right now.
  • Seeking to become the godly wife Jesus wants me to be, seeking to please Him, honor Him and bless my husband have to be my goals.  I will have to constantly check my motives and re-set my eyes on Christ when I start to feel discouraged.  I need to focus on asking God to change ME.
  • Disappointment and frustration are usually signals to me that I am putting something before Christ in my heart and that I need to check my priorities and motives – especially to see if I am putting something above Christ in my heart.
  • It’s actually a blessing that husbands don’t change quickly in this process.  If they did – we would continue with our idols of wanting to “feel loved,” romance, trying to be in control and trying to change our husbands ourselves – as if that is our place.    We would also find our contentment in our idols instead of in Christ.  God is not going to let me find contentment, peace and joy in anything but Himself.  The fact that it usually takes husbands many months or even years to change gives us a chance to refine our motives and learn to keep our eyes on Jesus no matter what our husbands do or do not do.
  • Husbands are “slow responders” to change many times.  That is a great thing because they tend to be more steady and stable emotionally than we sometimes are as women.  Some husbands don’t like change – even “good” changes.  They like consistency usually and like things to be predictable.  It is a strength for a leader to be consistent and not easily swayed and moved by feelings or rash and hasty decisions.  It is also a great strength of a leader not to be swayed by someone’s emotional plea.  If your husband has not allowed you to control him or change him – PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!  That is because he is a strong leader and he wants to do what is right and not allow himself to be coerced into something that he doesn’t agree with.  It means he has a backbone.  It means he stands for his convictions.  These are GOOD things.  I have heard it said,

“The only thing worse than a husband you can’t change is a husband you can change.”

  • When God starts to change you – it is probably going to freak your husband out a bit.  He is going to be really confused.    He won’t know what is going on.  And most likely, he will not say a word to you about it.  Give him time.  He needs to see that this is not a phase, it is not a fad, it is the new you in Christ.  As he sees that this is for real and it is a permanent thing (not that you are perfect, but that you generally actually respect him and that you cooperate with and honor his leadership) – he will begin to eventually feel safe and start to let down his guard.  The more wounded he has been by your disrespect and control, the longer it will take him to begin to trust you.  But usually it is many months  or a year or longer.  There are occasionally husbands who never change.  That is more rare.  You can still experience God’s peace and joy and be a godly wife even if your husband never changes.  And, God is able to lead us through our husbands, even if they aren’t believers.  If our husbands aren’t asking us to clearly violate God’s Word, God may be leading us through them.
  • Even if your husband never does change, it is important to accept him as he is and to learn to love him with God’s love and find things to respect about him.  It’s good and healthy, in my view, to assume he is not going to change and just to love him, accept him and honor him right now for the man he is today.
  • Respect is how we as disciples of Christ should treat everyone.   Respect comes out of MY character.  It has very little to do with the other person and very much to do with my character and my heart.  I respect others out of reverence for Christ.  I especially am careful to respect those who are in positions of God-given authority over me – my husband, my church leaders, government leaders, police officers, my boss/supervisors/managers, etc.  By God’s power living in me… I use manners.  I am not selfish.  I am kind.  I am not rude.  I am not arrogant or prideful.  I am self-controlled.  I am polite.  I behave more like Audrey Hepburn and less like guests on Jerry Springer.  I don’t yell and scream at others.  I don’t bully them.  I don’t cuss.  I don’t gossip.  I don’t bash people verbally in public.  I don’t use sarcasm to hurt people.  I don’t make other people the butt of a joke.   I don’t humiliate them.  I don’t seek to insult them and call them awful names.  This is part of being full of God’s Spirit.  I find the good to appreciate and focus on.  I have a thankful spirit.  I use wholesome words that bless others.  I learn to look at people with the love of God and with His perspective. (I Corinthians 13:4-8, Philippians 4:8)  I don’t use my words to destroy others.  I use my words to give life, to heal and to build up.
  • At first, I will have to hold in all my negative thoughts and comments and it will feel like trying to hold back an ocean of negative emotions.  But, as God helps me to take each thought captive and to replace my sinful thinking with godly and biblically sound thinking – eventually, I won’t even think the sinful, disrespecting, prideful, idolatrous and controlling thoughts – and can kick any tempting sinful thoughts to the curb immediately.
  • God will reward your obedience to Him in heaven no matter what your husband does here.  Jesus counts the way you treat your husband (and other people) as if you are doing those things for Him.  (Matt 25:31-46)  My level of respect and biblical submission to my husband are an outward indicator of the level of reverence and submission I have for Jesus.  Jesus says, “Anyone who loves Me will obey My commands… Anyone who does not love Me will not obey My commands.” (John 14:21,23)  

Some reminders – God’s commands for me as a wife are to (this list is not exhaustive):

– respect my husband (Eph. 5:33 – note that there are no qualifications.  God’s Word simply says “Wives must respect their husbands” it doesn’t say IF they deserve it or WHEN they love us the way we want them to.  God holds us accountable to obey what He commands to us no matter what our husbands do or do not do just like He will hold husbands accountable to love us as Christ loved the church no matter what we do or do not do.)

submit to my husband/honor his leadership as I honor God’s leadership so that the gospel of Christ might not be maligned (Eph. 5:22, Titus 2:5) (Spiritual Authority)

– affectionately love him (Titus 2:3 – phileo love)

– have self control, be kind, live a pure life (Titus 2:3-5)

– not use words about spiritual things to try to drag a wayward husband to God, but to live out real respect for him with my attitude and behavior (I Peter 3:1-6)

– have a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:1-6)

– be giving and generous of myself with my husband sexually, not withholding sex from him. (I Corinthians 7:1-5)

– do him good and not evil all the days of my life (Prov. 31)

– all the commands about how I am to love others, forgive others, repay evil with good, bless those who curse me, pray for those who mistreat me – all apply to how I treat my husband, too.

8. Respect “doesn’t work” on my husband.

God designed men to need respect.  Unless there are SERIOUS sin issues, abuse issues, mental disorders or addictions going on – most men DO respond to respect in time – meaning, respect is a deep masculine need in every man’s heart.  Most men, when they know they are genuinely respected and honored by others, respond by wanting to serve and protect.  In marriage, a wife’s respect can inspire her husband’s love.

Here are some things to consider:

  • Sometimes a wife hasn’t fully understood all the ways she has been showing disrespect to her husband.  She may think she is being totally respectful, but if he still feels disrespected by her body language, her tone of voice, her rolling her eyes, her sighing, her dictating things to him, her undermining his authority as a dad, her over-involvement in his family’s drama, her lack of support as he handles a contentious ex-wife … or whatever it may be – there is still a problem she needs to address.  ALL of the intentional and unintentional disrespect has to go.
  • Sometimes a wife tries to respect her husband for a day or two – and she doesn’t see any changes, so she declares that “respect doesn’t work” on her husband.  This is not something we do for a day or a week or a month.  This is something we do until the day we die because it is a command of God to us as wives.
  • Sometimes a wife thinks that her respect will fix her husband’s serious pornography addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction, PTSD, ADD, Asperger’s, severe depression or some other serious sin issue, mental health problem or spiritual problem in his life.  A wife’s respect can be very healing.  But we can’t change people.  We can’t heal people.  If our husbands have these kinds of issues, they need a lot more help than we as wives can give by ourselves.  They may need medical help.  They may need godly counsel from a godly male mentor.  Our respect doesn’t fix every issue in a man’s heart.  Our respect does meet their deep masculine needs – but there are things that are beyond the reach of our respect.
  • Sometimes a wife has the motive “I’m going to change my husband.”  Husbands can see through that.  Fake respect doesn’t count with men.  It has to be real.
  • Some wives try to be respectFUL but don’t really respect their husbands.  I did this for awhile.  It doesn’t work.  I have to ACTUALLY find things I really respect about my husband for him to feel respected – just like we as wives want our husbands to genuinely love us for who we are, not just be loving.

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A FEW MORE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT RESPECT :

– Your respect will not turn your husband into a woman – THANKFULLY!  He will still think and act like a man.  He is not going to suddenly think like a woman and want to sit face to face and talk about feelings automatically.

– Your respect will probably  make him feel loved and relaxed. THAT IS GOOD!

– Your respect may well increase his sexual appetite for you because he feels so loved. That is a good thing. To a lot of husbands, sex = love in marriage.

– Your respect will not make him be a mind reader! It is necessary and important to respectfully share your needs, feelings and desires.

And YES!

We do need to lay down our expectations that “if I respect him, he will love me the way I want him to.” This is ultimately about pleasing God, obeying God and blessing our men.

Here is my youtube video on this topic.

Respect Doesn’t Work on My Husband

RELATED:

Is it ALL My Fault?

My Purpose at Peacefulwife

29 thoughts on “Respect Doesn’t Work on My Husband

  1. Ted C,

    Here is the passage:

    Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

    Hmm.. he says, “I say this as a concession, not as a command” right after talking about that spouses should fulfill their marital duty with each other – but you may be right that it could be that marriage is the concession.

    I want to be careful not to say “this is a command” if Paul says it is a concession. But maybe he is talking about marriage.

    Great point!

    Thank you. 🙂

  2. Great thoughts! I would like to offer an observation from a woman who was sure that respect didn’t “work” on my husband.

    First off, I was expecting a very “girlie” response from him. I honestly wanted his through process to go something like this – “She’s been so great lately; super-respectful, very pleasant to be around. It makes me want to sit with her and talk about my feelings.” Instead what tended to happen was – “She’s been really awesome lately. Must mean everything’s cool and I can just chill, not worry about a thing, and then enjoy her ‘company’ later tonight.” The more diligently I worked at showing my husband respect, the LESS he was drawn to meet my needs. He isn’t a bad guy. My behavior communicated that I had no reason to be cranky with him so he figured he was golden!

    Sometimes our very well-meaning men will interpret our increased respect as a sign that everything is going along swimmingly. It may take them some time to understand that you are making a choice to respect them consistently.

    Just a caution to other readers out there – if you are trying to learn to respect your husband, you need to surrender ALL expectations. Including the one that says, “If I get good at respecting him, he’ll act more loving.” It isn’t my job to change the man I married.

    1. moj8668,

      This is AWESOME!

      You bring up some great points.

      Some truths to consider:

      – Respect will not turn your husband into a woman – THANKFULLY!
      He will still think and act like a man.

      – Respect makes him feel loved and relaxed. THAT IS GOOD!

      – Your respect may well increase his sexual appetite for you because he feels so loved. That is a good thing. To a lot of husbands, sex = love in marriage.

      – Your respect will not make him be a mind reader! It is necessary and important to respectfully share your needs, feelings and desires.

      And YES!

      We do need to lay down our expectations that “if I respect him, he will love me the way I want him to.” This is ultimately about pleasing God, obeying God and blessing our men.

      Much love!

      Thanks for the observations!

  3. Just wanted to elaborate on the statement shared at the end of this post.

    “If I respect him, he will love me the way I want him to.”

    I urge anyone who has this idea in their mind to release it. Let’s break this statement down and address the heart behind this dream and why it’s a dangerous attitude to embrace.

    “If I respect him….” “If?” First of all, you are implying that you have a choice here. As if it’s also okay if you choose not to respect him. That refraining from doing so is an acceptable option. Respecting him is something you’ve been commanded to do (Eph 5:22)

    “…he will love me…” Don’t you get it? He DOES love you. He might respond more lovingly towards you, but who wouldn’t be more inclined to be nice to someone who’s being nice to them. The response here could merely be a conditional response to your conditional behavior. Is that really the motivation you want him to have towards you?

    “….the way I want him to.” Aha! Here’s the ultimate goal of the dream. It’s root is self-centered. It’s all about “ME” and what “I” hope to get out of “MY” actions. Face it – he may never show love to you the way that you want him to. That doesn’t mean he isn’t showing you love. A man was designed to provide and protect. When he chose to marry you, he was agreeing to take on the responsibility of your well-being and safety. That is a huge life-changing decision for him to make. And it is not only you he’s taking responsibility for, but any children you may have as well. Wow! Whatta guy, if you ask me!!

    Your ultimate goal is to be focused on pleasing God, obeying God and blessing your husband.

    Lay down those dreams. Choose to live in reality. I guarantee you, your life will end up being filled with joy and contentment because you’ll be walking in accordance with the calling the Lord has on your life and there’s no place I’d rather be, that’s for sure!

    1. Susan,
      So true!

      This one statement that moj shared – is one that almost every wife gets stuck on. I’m so glad she shared that!

      I appreciate your elaboration on this topic so much. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience! 🙂

  4. I’m encountering a hiccup. My husband is a movie fanatic. That is an understatement and I cannot make you understand the depths here but we own well over 800 movies. It’s pretty close to an addiction …we have a toddler. We come home and they play video games for an hour most nights while I cook dinner and then we pop s movie in to eat and spend the rest of the evening in front of the tv. I have in the past asked for no tv time and other ways to enjoy each other but this is my husband’s passion and so far this is how he chooses we spend our evenings.

    For the last 2 evenings, my husband has gotten noticeably irritated at our son and I for talking during the movie. (He is 4). I didn’t read too much into it last night (bc my husband had a sore throat) but tonight my husband has gotten irritated again and is upset with me saying we, but especially I ,wouldn’t be quiet for the movie. I stated in a calm voice that our son cannot be expected to sit still and quiet for 2 straight hours, he is incapable & I enjoyed our family and was responding when our son talked to me. He stated he enjoyed our family time as well but I was “egging” our son on? That is when he said it was more me and I was being a butthole? Because i walked past the kitchen sink to go to the bathroom sink to wash my hands (he was using the kitchen sink) I calmly said I was trying to avoid conflict and stay out of his way because he was agitated. I asked if I had done something other than talk during the movie? He said no but now i brought our son into it? I feel like he has tried and succeeded in starting a fight with me? I don’t know how to respectfully proceed? I have given him cool down time for the last 45 minutes while I put our son to sleep. My husband feels like I have done something wrong? I apologized for talking in the movie. Is there something I am missing? Are we being disrespectful talking? Am I to train my son to be silent? (He is a very animated and loving boy) is my husband having an off night? Sigh I would love to say this is first time I’ve seen this behavior but it isn’t nearly as common as it once was.

    1. Prayingwife79,

      Oh, the TV issue! I can relate.

      If it were up to me – we wouldn’t have a tv in our house! But my husband loves the tv – so I trust God to handle that. It’s not my place to tell my husband not to watch tv.

      I agree that expecting a 4 year old to sit still every night and be quiet for 2 hours is probably pretty unrealistic.

      There are plenty of people who do feel disrespected if people talk during a tv program or movie.

      I personally think that if you have to watch tv for 2 hours, it would be better to engage your son in discussion and to relate to him and talk with him – but I am not your husband!

      What if there could be some type of compromise?

      What if you and your son would sit for 15-20 minutes with your husband – quietly – and watch with him. Then maybe you and your son can go to another room in the house and play?

      Lots of men tend to “bond” without words. Sitting quietly together watching a movie can feel “bonding” for men. But – the same may not be true for a 4 year old.

      If your husband is sick, that is going to make him much more easily irritated, too – as a pharmacist, I have sure seen that! 🙂

      Maybe, when your husband is feeling a bit more well-rested and is in a good mood, you could suggest this compromise to him from the angle of:
      “I really want you to feel respected. I love that you want us all to do something together. How about if our son and I watch X minutes of the movie tonight with you and then I will take him out of the room so that you can be undisturbed and uninterrupted?”

      But – you MUST say this with a pleasant tone of voice and a smile. Don’t pressure him for an immediate answer.

      Praying for wisdom for you! Let me know how you are doing. 🙂

      1. Praise God! So went to bed last evening … He fell asleep while I was putting our little one down. This morning I got up and started my day with Prayer (like almost ever other morning). I asked that my voice be a vessel for God’s words and that I convey only respect to my husband… Once my husband was up I said “good morning” he returned with “good morning” I went about getting ready. He followed me to the laundry room and said that he was sorry for last night!!! He said he didn’t feel well and that was no excuse, but he was sorry for the way he acted !!! And he hugged me! So we hugged and I tried not to tear up… I only said thank you. And then that was it.. Our morning progressed like a normal morning as we all got ready for our day! Love yous were exchanged and off to our works we went!! Thank you for your spiritual guidance! This definitely feels like progress!

        1. Prayingwife79,
          WOOOHOOOO!!!

          THANK YOU, GOD! 🙂

          That is beautiful. I’m so glad that he apologized and that you were able to make up and be reconciled and feel at peace. What a wonderful answer to prayer!

    2. My hubby and I were out bowling when this issue came to a head for us. I was getting frustrated because hubby wouldn’t respond when I tried to strike up a conversation with him. Little did I know he was getting frustrated because I was trying to talk about other things.

      **Side note – this bowling outing was for youngest daughter’s 16th birthday so it was us, the kids, and their “significant others”. We’re not talking a league tournament here!

      Finally, his frustration got the better of him and he said, “Why can’t we just talk about bowling? Why do we have to talk about something other than what we are doing?” This led to a rather lengthy discussion on the issue. Oh, let’s get real, we argued at length.

      Turns out, hubby is a typical guy who likes to focus on exactly what he is doing. I’m a typical girl whose brain looks like a computer screen with 287 windows opened or minimized and I have little control over when or if a certain one will pop to the forefront. When my actions distract from the activity, hubby feels that I am trying to keep him from engaging.

      I love the compromise idea expressed by another poster – agree to spend some time with him and some time away from the movie with your son. That allows both of you to have what you desire in the situation.

      1. moj8668,

        I believe that the way men’s brains are designed to focus on one thing at a time is a HUGE part of the issue here- with the movies or with bowling.

        Most men focus on one thing. They don’t have all the extra millions of nerve connections between the two halves of the brain. They also DO NOT connect emotionally by talking about emotions and feelings and things.

        Many men bond just by doing something together quietly shoulder to shoulder.

        They don’t have the same needs we do. Their brains are not wired the same way ours are. Their needs are very different from ours. They look at life through the lens of “respect” not “love.” Most men talk about things and events, and have little interest in talking about people or feelings.

        They can’t have those 287 windows open on their computer screen all at the same time like we do – EXACTLY!

        Sometimes, I wish I could just have one thing on my mind, or even better, nothing. There are times that seems like it could be a really handy skill to have!

        Many of the conflicts in our marriages are a result of us assuming our men are just like us and them assuming we are just like them. We are SO VERY DIFFERENT!

        The books that helped me the most with these concepts are:
        “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
        “His Brain, Her Brain” by Dr. Walt Larimore MD.

        Thanks for sharing your insights, moj8668!!!! I appreciate it so much!

  5. Ive happily stumbled upon this blog and gosh it has inspired me so very much!! I have a wonderful husband but our marraige has been pretty rocky… we’ve only been married for a little more than a year. The past six months has been wonderful and so dreamy, but we’ve hit a snitch…my husband made a terrible mistake and i had to deal with it….but i also made a mistake… we are still making it work and i love my husband more than anyone on this planet…but he has detached from me and is pushing me away…this is terribly difficult and painful
    .. i dont know what to do or how to handle it…when i talk to my husband about it he says i should stop over analysing and look for faults in a perfect marriage…but we dont have sex and he hardly expressess any affection towards me…??

    1. Izzy,

      I am so glad to meet you!

      It sounds like things have been very painful lately.

      What does he say he needs?

      How do you handle the lack of sex and affection?

      Are you both working through the issues, or are you paralyzed?

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

  6. “not use words about spiritual things to try to drag a wayward husband to God, but to live out real respect for him with my attitude and behavior (I Peter 3:1-6)”

    Can you elaborate on this? What if your intention is to share and impart wisdom? will that be incorrect? Is it wrong to initiate godly conversations like about the bible or a sunday message that I heard?

    Since I am the only christian he knows and talks to, and the one who led him to Christ, isn’t there a bit of responsibility on my part to follow through on sharing spiritual things with him?

    can you please help me draw the line between stepping in and just being an encourager?

    thank you very much!

    1. heart,

      Great question!

      Is your husband open to your words? Or does he perceive that you believe you are spiritually superior to him? If he believes you look down on him or think you are “better than he is” it could be better not to share. God’s Spirit is able to help him to grow. It is not really your responsibility to teach and train your husband spiritually. If your husband seems to enjoy these conversations – that is great. But if he resents you or shuts down or seems angry when you are “helping” him – then it is time to back off.

      The line will vary depending on the couple and it will vary at different times in one marriage – this requires the sensitivity of the Holy Spirit and it requires sensitivity to your husband. 🙂
      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you for your response!

        That is true. Actually there are times when he finds it helpful and encouraging, There are times when he just doesn’t want to hear it.

        When I do share I try to be as careful as possible with my tone and the way I share that it does not come off as me lecturing him. I ask him for his input and when he says something, I acknowledge it as something insightful and wise.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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