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I Feel Alone, Discouraged and Like I Can’t Say Anything Right to My Husband

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We are talking about some FAQs that I get from a lot of wives who are just beginning this journey toward becoming godly, respectful, biblically submissive wives with peaceful and gentle spirits who do what is right and do not give way to fear and are very beautiful in God’s sight.

  • This seems like more than I can handle (part 1)
  • When do I get to the “peaceful” part? (part 1)
  • I don’t want to lose my voice in my marriage. (part 2)
  • I feel like I am losing myself. (part 2)
  • I feel so lonely.
  • I don’t know how to say things respectfully to my husband, so I am just not saying anything at all.
  • My husband isn’t changing at all.  Respect doesn’t work on my husband. (Part 4)
  • My husband doesn’t love me and is not on board with this marriage. (Part 4)
  • But I’m right! (Part 5)
  • I’m so scared to give up control!  Everything will fall apart if I don’t take charge!  I’m the better leader! (Part 5)
  • He doesn’t deserve my respect! (Part 6)
  • Why can’t HE change first?  Why do I have to change when he’s the one who is so far from God and so unloving? (Part 7)

5. I feel so alone on this journey.

There are a number of reasons why some wives will feel this way as we seek to become the godly wives Jesus desires us to be.

  • Being a godly woman goes completely against the world’s wisdom, our culture’s wisdom, our friends’ and family’s wisdom.  There will not be a lot of support for wives who make this journey, even among most people who claim to be Christians.  Unfortunately, many people who claim Christ today do not live in obedience to His Word and do not live with Him as Lord.  Finding godly mentoring wives who actually do respect their husbands and honor their husbands’ leadership can be almost impossible even in many churches.  If you start talking about respecting your husband, some people will get upset – particularly other women.  And if you actually talk about biblical submission or honoring your husband’s God-given leadership, there are women, even in the church, who will insult you, become very angry, verbally attack you, ridicule you, say that you have joined a “cult” and will pile contempt on you.  We aren’t used to being persecuted as disciples of Christ in the West today.  Part of the reason we aren’t persecuted much is because our “Christianity” has been watered down by so many ungodly influences and ideas that many of us don’t live much like Jesus did and don’t obey much of what He has instructed us to do.  But when you begin to submit to Christ in everything, including how you treat your husband and how you honor your husband’s authority in your marriage – you will be DIFFERENT.  You will be very noticeable.  And you may well be a target of verbal persecution.  That’s ok.  Jesus said we would be persecuted in this world.  He sure was!  If we think we are living for Christ and no one ever attacks us for the way we live – something is probably wrong.  The world does not understand God’s design for marriage – but the world is drawn to Christ when we live out God’s design for marriage! (Titus 2:5)  The gospel of Jesus is glorified when we cooperate with our husbands’ leadership and respect them.
  • If you are like me – I took several big steps back from almost everyone in my life when I began this journey.  I realized that there was so much sin in my heart and it was spewing out of my mouth constantly.  I didn’t want to say something sinful.  So during my “Frustrating Quiet Phase” I became quiet not just with my husband, but with everyone.  I needed to learn God’s wisdom and discretion.  I didn’t trust myself to talk because I knew something disrespectful of my husband would come out if I tried to talk at all with my family and friends.  Ideally, you will have a godly mentoring wife you can meet with, pray with and learn from.  If you don’t – that is why I write this blog.  I didn’t have a mentor either.  It was just me, Jesus, God’s Word, prayer and 30 books about godly femininity and marriage in 2 years.
  • This journey is also lonely at first because you have to give up your desire to “feel loved” by your husband if that has become an idol for you.  Your marriage is probably a bit rocky in the beginning of this journey, anyway.  That is why you were looking for help.  And suddenly, you aren’t sharing every thought you have with your husband.  You aren’t sure what to share and what not to share.  If your husband is far from God – it is generally wise NOT to share much verbally about what you are learning spiritually (I Peter 3:1-6).  He can hear your actions, attitude and behavior much more clearly than a long explanation of what you are learning spiritually at that point.  If your husband is close to God, you may be able to share  some of what you are learning – but in the early stages, it is very easy for what we are learning to come across disrespectfully to our husbands, so we have to be SUPER CAREFUL!

Whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT say things like,

– “So, I am learning that I have to respect you even when I think your ideas are really stupid.”

– “I am going to try to trust you now even though you have given me so many reasons why trusting you is a ridiculous and foolish thing for me to do.”

– “The Bible says I have to respect you even though you totally don’t deserve my respect at all.”

– “I guess I have to let you be the leader now – but I know you’ll just mess everything up.”

It is better – MUCH BETTER – if we are not sure what is respectful and disrespectful at first – that we not say anything than to say something even more damaging like these statements above.

  • At first, you haven’t learned yet how to find all of your contentment in Christ – so there is a time of figuring out how to do that, and before you get to that point, it can feel lonely.
  • You begin to see the disrespect in other marriages and in your friends’ conversations.  You start to see how almost all other women bash their husbands, put them down, criticize them constantly, disrespect them blatantly, make jokes at their expense, treat their men like they are stupid idiots – and you realize – “I can’t be as close to these friends/coworkers/Bible study members as I have been.  They are an ungodly influence on me.”  Husband bashing and having a judgmental, critical spirit is very contagious.  We cannot afford to closely associate with women who encourage us to disrespect our husbands.

In time, you have incredible fellowship with God – which more than makes up for the loneliness with others, in my view.  And, in time, most likely you will also have much closer fellowship with your husband – which is way better than having a lot of women friends, anyway, in my book.  And then, in more time – God may give you a ministry to other wives or He may give you godly friends you can enjoy.

6. I don’t know how to say things respectfully to my husband, so I am just not going to say anything at all.

There may be a brief time when this is necessary during the Frustrating Quiet Phase.

I have tons of posts and resources to help you learn to say things respectfully (please scroll back through my Blog Timeline at the top of my home page or search for topics on the search bar on my home page).  And, if there is something specific you want to say to your husband, but you aren’t sure how to word it, please leave me a comment and I will be happy to give you some suggestions. 🙂  You may leave comments on this post or any post – and we will hash through the issues together. 🙂

I also have a lot of video posts on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy” where I demonstrate how to have a respectful tone of voice that is friendly and pleasant – not angry and condemning.  I also talk about nonverbal disrespect and how important it is for our facial expressions and body language to convey genuine respect.  I have a video about how to ask for things so that your husband wants to say yes.  I am not saying he WILL say yes.  I am saying he will want to say yes if he can if you approach him in a feminine, friendly, respectful way.

Here’s the thing.  You can’t fake respect for your husband any more than he can fake love for you.  MEN CAN TELL!  If you are not sincere, if you are just using flattery, if you actually don’t respect him but are trying to be respectFUL, it won’t work.  Your husband needs to see that you can find REAL things about him to respect, appreciate and admire.

Your feelings, desires, opinions and perspective are important!  Your husband needs your input and needs you to be plugged into the marriage.  He doesn’t want a woman who has no thoughts, no opinions and no personality.  He loves YOU.  It is possible to learn to speak your mind and heart in respectful ways that your husband can best hear.  This will involve things like:

  • saying “I want”  or “I don’t want” things (Laura Doyle The Surrendered Wife – not from a Christian perspective, so weigh each statement carefully against scripture!)
  • saying “I feel ____”  “I feel sad.”  “I feel lonely.”  “I feel happy.”  “I feel nervous.” (The Surrendered Wife)
  • giving requests and suggestions instead of demands  and directives.
  • saying what you want to do but then saying, “Whatever you think is best for us.  I trust you, Honey.”

It is important that you keep your primary motive as being “I want God’s will above everything else.  I trust God to lead me through my husband, even if I don’t agree at the time.”  If your husband is not asking you to clearly sin or condone sin, share your heart and what you want, but then if he still feels strongly that he should decide another way – graciously trust his leadership and allow God to work in his heart.  This means that I am ok if I get “my way” or not.  Because I trust that God is able to bring about His will in ways that I can’t begin to understand as He leads me through Greg.

RELATED:

A Real Life Example of Respect and Submission  – check out the little miracle that I got to witness because I trusted God and respected and submitted to Greg.

43 thoughts on “I Feel Alone, Discouraged and Like I Can’t Say Anything Right to My Husband

  1. Reblogged this on The Heartbeat of the Home and commented:
    I absolutely love this woman’s blog. It seems to be written directly to me as everything said is relatable. She handles issues with such a wonderful Godly approach and is so heartfelt. She truly desires to help other women in their marriages. Please check her out! I’m sure I will be reblogging a lot more from her!

  2. p. 61-62, p. 93-94 et p. 143)

    Dear PW,

    Lately, dh and I have been doing pretty well. I try not to argue, even though I think it is hard.

    Yesterday, we were talking and were relaxed. Lately, dh has been very relaxed. Suddenly, he told me this : what are you waiting for to take down your useless videos on Ytube? Really, I didn’t recognize him.

    Now, I never knew I have useless videos on YTube. He sure didn’t think so when we were courting.

    I haven’t made a video in ages, but these topics were dear to me.

    I felt so awful… I had a idea it was wrong, but I answered him, and I was defensive:

    me : since when were my videos awful?
    dh : what?!!!!
    me : I didn’t know you wanted me to take them down.
    dh : so, do we have to tell you everything?
    me : * silence *
    dh : so you are not talking?
    me : what?
    dh : so you are not talking?
    me : I don’t know what to say….

    Well, the remaining of the evening was awful. I was clumsy, I talked very low and I felt confused. DH asked me if I was well. In a strange way, I could say, he was back to normal. He was being nice again, like I have known him lately. We have not been fighting lately. I told him I was fine. He said no, there must be something. I insisted I was fine. I didn’t know what to say.

    But, even this morning, I feel really bad. Now, in my mind, I don’t think it is worth the fight. Plus, we haven’t been fighting for a long time. DH has really been nice to me. On the other hand, this morning, dh was nice again. So I think I will just let it go.

    Even so, big ouch for this.

    #2
    You are right about feeling lonely. I feel super lonely in my walk with Christ. And now, respecting dh is not very popular. It is true, we realise how few people respect their dh. It is sad.

    1. Yas,

      I am really proud of you for not arguing – that goes totally against our old self. We want to defend ourselves and argue and prove we are RIGHT! That is what comes naturally.

      It is ok to say how you feel and what you want.

      I am very glad your husband has been so relaxed! THAT IS AWESOME!

      What are your Youtube videos about? Has he ever told you he had an issue with them before?

      I don’t think you were disrespectful in that interaction. You were obviously surprised. “I don’t know what to say” was a fair answer. I think you actually handled that pretty well!

      So he was concerned about you and could tell you were upset? That is a good thing.

      Do you believe that it would honor God to take the videos down? Maybe you could take them down out of respect for your husband. You could always just make them “private” and they could be posted again in the future if things change.

      How is your time with God going my precious friend? 🙂

      Sending yo a HUGE hug!

      I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart. The changes just in a few months have been huge! He’s not done with you yet. 🙂

      1. Dear PW,

        Thanks for your message.

        To answer your questions :

        1. When you asked, I realized that once, a long time ago, we had actually talked about these videos. DH was wandering what was the point of the videos. I told him I just wanted to share about life, family, hair, women, nothing special. He had told me that he didn’t see the point, and that if I would do videos, it would have to be for a greater goal, like ministry. But we left it like that. Anyway, I will take them down, just out of respect for him. I will save them on a DVD as a souvenir for myself.

        2. My time with God has been just 6/10. I feel I do what is required, but no extras, like trying to memorize the Bible or do a deeper Bible study. I think I will get to it tonight.

        Thanks you once again!

        1. Yas,

          I am proud of you for taking them down out of respect for your husband. Maybe in the future, you may want to do some type of ministry videos. That could be a future calling of God on your life. 🙂

          I think your idea of saving them for yourself on a DVD is a wonderful idea.

          If you have time, check out some sermons on youtube by David Platt or Tim Keller. They help to make it so clear how great our debt is to Christ and how our motive to obey Him must come from pure joy and thankfulness for His grace that He gave to us so lavishly.

          Also, if your time with God is mediocre and the Word is not jumping out at you, ask God to reveal any sin in your heart that may be grieving God’s Spirit and repent and ask him to flow through you full blast. Give yourself totally to Him, holding nothing back. Be willing to do anything He asks of you. 🙂

          I am right here if you need prayer or encouragement. I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart! 🙂

          1. Thanks you PW for your post.

            It took a while, but I delete all the videos.

            I won’t talk about it, only if he asks. I don’t want to brag… but not sure about it.

            I have started listening to David Platt. I will continue to listen to the pastors you have suggested.

            Thank you.

  3. I could use some input…..
    I am actually single, 21, and living at home with my parents. But I have an issue that this post discusses. My Dad, who obviously I need to respect, has beliefs that contradict mine. He thinks that women should speak up and share in group situations like Bible Study and Sunday School. Whereas I believe that scripture teaches that women are to keep silent in those situations. He will at times blatantly ask me to share something and will publicly humiliate me for not participating. Where is the balance of obedience/respect and sticking to what I believe scripture teaches? He knows why I do what I do. Thanks for you time!

    1. sister in Christ,

      Ugh! That puts you in such a quagmire!!!!

      I have a similar situation sometimes. My Sunday School teacher whom I greatly respect and admire as a godly man will occasionally ask me to talk about biblical submission to our mixed adult class. I have explained to him that I would be honoring I Timothy 2 and 1 Cor 14 about women being silent in church when God convicted me for answering in class constantly before. But sometimes, he will ask me to talk about biblical submission. Yikes! I prefer not to speak in class or in church. And it can even get a bit iffy on the blog how exactly to obey those verses when men read my blog even though I only write for women.

      But, when he specifically has asked me to, I have shared. I try to only talk about me and what I have learned and not give directives as if I am in authority.

      I wish your father would respect your desire to honor God’s Word. Ultimately, the authority of God’s Word trumps human God-given authority.

      How often does this happen? Do you have any other options for Bible studies you could attend?

      1. I could be completely wrong, but I don’t entirely agree with what you say there. Okay. Silence is important for women. I entirely agree because it says that we are to show our godliness through them. It’s also another thing if you are not allowing others to give input or to learn because you are always speaking. That is a problem too. I think that there is a unique balance between silence and leadership. Words are not always necessary, but when we do speak, it should be powerful and God-breathed words. It should not be our flesh but Him.

        The Lord has led both my husband and myself to start a new ministry on my college campus. We are going to be leading Bible studies. My purpose is to show how women are to submit to their husbands and still can be used of God. Some nights, my husband will not be able to lead because of over time. It will be left up to me to lead the studies alone. Because I am a woman does that mean I shouldn’t teach others? Does that mean I should cancel Bible study because my husband isn’t there? No. Absolutely not.

        Again, I personally believe that there is a delicate balance that we all need to discover for ourselves. Some may not be able to lead because it would cause them to fall. Others would be disobeying God if they refused to speak up at all.

        Again, I could be wrong. I was raised in a place where no women were allowed to speak. I found that offensive because they were not giving us the spiritual freedom to do what God asked us to do. My current church, it’s rare, but the Pastor allows his wife to give a message to get her perspective on the situation. I love that because it’s in those settings that men and women can understand how a woman thinks and what God can show her. We are not hermits or turtles. God speaks to us too. And through that, He can use us, in silence, in our actions, in our words.

        In response to the original question, if God says you need to be silent, then be silent. If God says that you are allowed to say something, say something. It’s a situational thing, and EVERY situation is different. Jesus didn’t heal blind men in the same way every time, did He? No. He looked into heaven and set it motion on earth. 🙂 Try to respectfully discuss with your dad your beliefs and the verses that support this. Ask him if he could really take time to think about what you said and maybe limit how often he asks you to speak. Does that help at all?

        1. Mrs. Anaya,

          It is my deepest desire to honor and obey God’s Word.

          I don’t believe God is saying women are not to speak ever. And it is my understanding that the word “silent” does not mean total quietness in those passages where women are commanded to be silent at church. There are passages where women are described to prophesy and pray in the Body of Christ.

          It is pretty blatantly stated in those passages that women are not to teach men or have authority over them to teach. I believe women may be able to encourage and share certain things – but directly teaching them is prohibited according to the passages in Timothy and Corinthians.

          I was raised in Southern Baptist churches where these passages were never discussed. Women spoke all the time. No one seemed to be concerned about it at all.

          We are not hermits. God does speak to us, too. Absolutely.

          It is my prayer that we might seek to honor and obey God’s Word in all that we do and say and that He might be greatly glorified.

          Do these passages only apply in the church service? Do they also apply in Bible studies? What about on blogs?

          I don’t have all the answers here. I have my own convictions after studying and trying to understand the original meaning of the words that were used.

          I do know that doing something that goes against our convictions that is not done in faith is sin. I don’t want to encourage women to purposely disregard God’s Word and their convictions. This young woman obviously has shared her concerns with her father, and he continues to purposely ask her to speak in front of the group. In my view, he is being disrespectful of her convictions.

          Titus 2:3-5 says that older wives should teach the younger. This is what I do on my blog – I teach women.

          Last fall, I was writing posts for men, too. But God brought me to those verses and I slammed up against them and could not get around them. I studied and read and studied and prayed. My husband and our Sunday School teacher and the pastors we know felt it was unnecessary to obey those verses. I personally now would rather obey God’s Word than ignore verses. Ignoring verses got me into a lot of trouble in the past!

          I eventually pulled the posts for men and apologized on the blog. Many men were upset that I stopped writing for them. Several ministers felt that what I was doing was unnecessary.

          Maybe.

          What I do know is – it has kept me from a lot of very sticky situations with respect-starved husbands looking to me for respect. It has also kept me from temptation. And, I have done an informal little survey of a number of men about women speaking in Sunday School or church. Some of them, it doesn’t seem to bother. But others feel intimidated by the quick and wordy answers that some women are able to give because they can’t answer in the same amount of time, and then they feel that their faith is not as strong as it should be.

          Is it possible that God left those passages in there by mistake? I kind of doubt it. But even if it was an error on God’s part – I believe He will be pleased when we seek to honor Him and obey His Word regardless of what anyone around us is doing. I think there will be different interpretations of exactly what these passages mean. I didn’t have the convictions I do about those passages until last fall. I don’t judge other women. God is our judge. It is Him we seek to please.

          I appreciate your perspective and insights! 🙂 I pray for God to greatly use you and your husband to bless many with His truth, hope and love!

          1. Mrs. Anaya and Sister in Christ,

            Here is a really fascinating look at this topic from a different angle from my friend who actually became a pastor at one point – and the issues she had with it and why she decided to step down. She answers my questions in this post:

            They Called Me Pastor

      2. If I can offer my opinion on this too, as far on the “teach or have authority over a man” passage, you’re right to pay attention to those but I don’t think you have too much to worry about. Allow me to explain.

        Firstly, when you define “teach” in the BROADEST sense it’s really obvious that everybody teaches everybody. It’s almost unavoidable if any interactions described between believers are happening in general.

        Paul was clearly talking about appointing teachers, like “mentors.” A classroom teacher gives an assignment, or a private teacher (like music lessons) tells you what to practice. They “teach” with an agreement understood by you, the teacher, and the community that you do what your teacher tells you–it is NOT simply explaining to someone how to do something. Again, that’s pretty much impossible to avoid. The difference is like running into a gas station and a worker explains to you how to “turn here, turn there” specifically how to get where your going, and someone who is basically commanding you to so as part of some lesson to be taught.

        Therefore to apply this rule with blogging, writing, or most conversation is kind of impossible, as you’re not “appointed” and (unless I’m mistaken) nobody reads what you write with an understanding that “April is appointed as my teacher and I must follow every word.” It’s pretty much take-it-or-leave it for men and women both.

        To reinforce the point, let’s look at what Paul says about authority. I think you might agree with what I’m about to say: every authority figure is compelled to share in the risk of the followers. In other words, if a parent tells his child to do something, and the act blows in the child’s face and causes him harm, the parent doesn’t just say “well that’s too bad, you’re on your own to take care of yourself now.” A follower follows a leader with the understanding that the leader will take care of the follower as necessary (to the best of the leader’s ability and necessity, of course). That’s how it always works with parents/children, husbands/wives, commander/subordinates (military), even masters and slaves. In the early church people pooled their resources (Acts) or at least made absolutely sure everyone was provided for, and so when a TRUE church leader would lead the people, that same relationship is implied.

        ALL THAT TO SAY, a relationship with an appointed teacher carries the same understanding–we’re all in this together, so a student does not have to worry about his teacher leading him astray at the follower’s own expense alone, if that makes sense. What I’m saying is, if you’re comparing Paul’s rule and you’re thinking of church leaders as they commonly are today, in which congregations usually don’t provide for one another (or at least, in general that’s not an understood rule) that’s not really an accurate image. No leader, teacher, mentor, etc. has any business expecting someone to follow his or her every order if it’s not implied that the leader is going to back up his words of direction by making sure the student is taken care of inside of the mentoring relationship and/or within the community that enables the teaching (the Pharisees “wouldn’t lift a finger to help them”). Again, think parents/children, husbands/wives, can you imagine submission in those relationships with it implied that the subordinate is on his/her own when something goes wrong in the direction? A (Christian) man came into my life and tried to micromanage me and the results were devastating, with me alone to pick up the pieces–happens to people too often, unfortunately.

        In my mind, unless somebody tries to appoint you as a teacher over a group of male students, all you’re doing with a blog article or a response is implying “here’s some ideas for you, take it or leave it.” It’s not expressed or implied to men OR women in any case that “you have to do as I say because I’m appointed as a teacher.” You are just not breaking that rule, because if you were you’d have to go through the REST of the Bible that tells all about how believers encourage and edify one another (without any conditions for gender) and pretty much slash everything, which I think would be terrible. I really don’t think you could actually POSSIBLY violate Paul’s rule inside of a blog or conversation.

        BUT, let me encourage you, though, in that I think your manner is coming out of good instincts when you talk to men in my observation. I think I observe you avoiding “do this” (imperatives) language which is really excellent, and a lot of the influence women can have with men in general is similar to 1 Peter 3 in the “winning over without a word” sense, i.e. without being “pushy” with language and such, yet managing to be HIGHLY influential. Not to say you can’t explain how to do something–there’s just an avoidance of forcefulness in tone. Similarly, I’m sure men’s faults can be severely irritating too, BUT, deriving that scripture generally promotes a submissive manner in women (such as the recently discussed silence in the churches matter) can establish that sort of asymmetry in male/female interactions generally.

        We can see accounts of women preaching the gospel to men (such as after Jesus’ resurrection). Certainly nothing wrong with that–it’s quite important. There are tons of comments all over your writing that are likewise decidedly gender-neutral, and some of your comments on submission are good for men to apply to authority figures too, at the very least as a matter of example.

        I studied such passages pertaining to women too, because like you say almost every church glosses over and ignores them and doesn’t apply them at all. I too take them seriously. Even still, it’s important not to get TOO focused so as to expand the meaning in such a way that contradicts Scripture’s general messages, i.e. how the body of Christ interacts in so many ways.

        Okay, super-long response but I’m done. 😉 For your consideration. I pray the Lord blesses your efforts for clarity on His word.

    2. If I may suggest a way of looking at this . . .

      If you examine passages like “I do not suffer a woman to teach or have authority . . .” the crux of that is a teacher/student teacher relationship in which a student is to feel like he is being “ordered” to do something by the authority of a teacher.

      Here is what I firmly believe you can do, and the way you can look at it. Consider Deborah, the prophetess (many like to fantasize about her like a female authority figure, but that’s not the case).

      A man won’t be obligated to follow a woman’s teaching like a student is compelled to obey his teacher, BUT, a man can certainly ask a woman for her to share her input and knowledge. If a man is lost, he can ask a woman for directions. If a woman truly has a word from the Lord and a man wants to know (think Debora again), a man can ask and a woman can share.

      Yes, that passage tells women to be silent in the assemblies, but I believe the spirit of that passage is to instruct women not to make assertions and determine the direction of the conversation. I recognize that’s debatable when you simply take the passage at face-value, where it simply says “don’t speak.”

      Consider the way that previous to that passage Paul discusses prayer in tongues followed by prophecy–in that SAME group setting. Earlier in the same book he said that a woman needs to pray or prophecy with her head covered to indicate the she was beneath authority (something is literally placed ABOVE her head, a “sign of authority,” and she’s literally underneath it). Hence, I conclude that women do participate in the prayer and prophecy according to that passage, otherwise there would have been NO need for Paul’s comment on a sign of authority.

      My conclusion is that you can look at your situation this way: a man is asking for your opinion and any wisdom you may have, and because of that you can offer it by way of his request. No “usurping of authority” has taken place if that attitude is taken on. The spirit of all of those passages, “to be in support,” is to ensure that men are doing the leading and that never gets impeded. A man might ask his wife for a bit of knowledge in many different areas and she can give it. But there is a line that must not be crossed in spirit, that a woman starts to talk like a boss to the men.

      1. I had one tiny thought I wanted to add for clarification, hopefully not to beat it to death:

        If you (a woman) is essentially being asked by a man to speak, you’re not “speaking out” as it were, but responding. Paul had said “if she has a question she should ask her husband at home,” so that’s still a sort of a “speaking out” thing not prompted by someone else, but responding to something is still a “submissive” act, not an assertive one, if that makes sense.

        “Responding” is an exceedingly feminine thing to do. 😉

        May God bless you all in your efforts to honor Him and His word. I know I’m always asking God questions about things like that.

  4. It has been happening every month or two I am concerned it will be a lot more often now that the issue has come to a head. It is our small church’s adult Sunday School and covers teens through seniors. That puts Daddy and me in the same class with no real option for avoiding it.One of the things he requests is that we read from scripture which I am not sure is okay.

  5. Thanks for putting so much time into sharing! Mrs. Anaya… I would hold that it simply is not Biblical for a woman to teach a man. In any setting.

    “Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence.” 1 Timothy 2:12

    Paul goes on to state that women are not allowed to teach because we are more easily deceived. He does give exception in Titus 2 for an older woman to teach the younger women. But only on certain topics- as Peaceful Wife does here.

    I honestly don’t see how it is a situational thing. God said it. So that is simply the way it is. Should a husbands love for his wife be only situational? No. Should our respect and submission to our husbands be situational? No.

    Peaceful Wife….. could you point me to the passages that describe a woman praying and prophesying in the church? Interestingly, yours and my situations have been similar. This is a Souther Baptist church. All of church leadership except one family and my mom and sisters agree with the status quo. Even in this other family, the wife still speaks though her husband believes in silence. Pretty much, everyone thinks I have flown off the handle.Some have even called it rebellion.

    Should I simply refuse to contribute? Only contribute when asked to read scripture, but nothing more? (I can’t see how reading the scripture the teacher requests can qualify as teaching.) Obey Dad and join in the discussions?

    Thanks so much for your time and insight.

    1. Sister in Christ,

      I can’t help but notice that almost all the verses in the New Testament that are directed at women were glossed over when I was growing up as “not culturally relevant” and we just ignored all of it. 🙁

      That did not help me or my marriage or my walk with Christ!

      The passage I am referring to is the one about head coverings – I Corinthians 11:
      But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,[a] and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. 5 But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is the same as having her head shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head.

      7 A man ought not to cover his head,[b] since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; 9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 It is for this reason that a woman ought to have authority over her own[c] head, because of the angels. 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12 For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.

      13 Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14 Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, 15 but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. 16 If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice—nor do the churches of God.

      I assume a woman would not be prophesying alone at home. Prophesying would also have to be out loud. And I assume this is talking about her praying at church. But – it doesn’t specify if she is praying out loud or not.

      This will be something I believe you will have to study and research and come to your own convictions.

      I think the most important thing is not to be in an official role as “teacher” over a man. I do not understand all of the implications of this passage or all of the reasons why it is in Scripture.

      But – does our participation benefit others? Does it honor Christ? Are we just trying to draw attention to ourselves or make ourselves look knowledgeable?

      It is my prayer – that everything we do would be for the edification of the body and the glory of Christ.

      1. Sister in Christ,

        But then, Paul does say a woman should not ask questions in church, but ask her husband at home. So, asking a question could be an issue.

        I think it would be awesome to be able to read the original Greek! But you can look up sites that go into the meaning of the original Greek words in these passages. That could be very helpful.

      2. Sister in Christ,

        Sorry – I am trying to do laundry and cook supper and keep thinking of more things – I apologize for so many replies!

        The culture DID play a part in God’s commands, in my understanding. But I don’t see where these commands for women to be silent are suggestions or culturally related.

        But – the women in the Old Testament did not enter the sacrificing area and the main court of the temple. They could only go to the court of the women. It was RADICAL that women were allowed in the church services for Christians in the first century. Women weren’t educated in the synagogues like the men were.

        In Corinth – the women often led the pagan worship rites and there was often sex involved – and temple prostitutes.

        But – I believe that there is still wisdom here for us today. Possibly protection for us in some way as well.

  6. Thanks for your input! No problem about the multiple replies. I would personally hold that the praying (aloud) and prophesying were outside of the church. Otherwise their would be a contradiction in scripture. Oddly enough, I am the only family member to believe that women are allowed to prophesy at all. But that is just a rabbit trail. Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my questions.

    1. Sister in Christ,

      I think it is important to define “church” – which it is my understanding that is the body of Christ. Prophesying is a gift to edify the body.

      But – you are right – prophesying is a rabbit trail in this particular discussion.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      I pray God will give each of us His wisdom.

  7. Sister in Christ,

    Are you willing to take a humble approach with your Dad? Is he the kind of Dad you can have a good close talk with? If so, perhaps you could approach it from 1cor8:12&9:22… this is a matter of conscience to you, whenever you speak in church it rests very uneasily on your mind. It torments your very soul. It distresses you to have to be at odds with him. Even if he does not feel it is sinful, could he help you keep your conscience clear? You could tell him when he makes theological arguments that you want to agree with him, but your conscience will not allow you. Leave it at that and ask him to pray for you in this issue in the meanwhile. Gentleness, refusal to argue about the doctrinal issues, and a really humble spirit may help you.

    1. Renata,

      I love your approach!

      There are verses about those who are strong bearing with the weak and not asking them to violate anyone’s conscience. Romans 14

      Those would be helpful verses to appeal to – as well as “anything that is not done out of faith is sin.” Paul went to great lengths not to offend other believers’ consciences – not eating meat offered to idols and not drinking wine.

      “If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died.”

      Chapter 14:1-23 addresses a number of these kinds of issues.

      There is also Acts 5:28 “we must obey God rather than men.”

      Sister in Christ -This is a command in scripture you desire to obey, not some made up idea.

      I love Renata’s approach and I believe these other verses support you as well.

      1. Yeah, April, I totally was not intending to make it sound like a made-up idea. Oops! SiC, You are not going to change your Dad’s mind by arguing about theology with him. It is something he will have to come to on his own. Lowering yourself, humbling yourself willingly for the sake of peace, while not abandoning what is right, is honorable. It is really tough to do at your age because you feel a bit like you are regressing into childhood by going out of your way to appeal in a respectful way. It is also tough to do when you are old, only for different reasons. Read the book of Esther and think about how your Dad likes to be spoken to. The whole idea is that at this point you are going to have to gratify his feelings because it has become a sticking point for him. Allow him to save face and feel benevolent. Learn this skill early. It will truly help you throughout life.

    2. Thanks so much! That makes a lot of sense and I will see what I can do. Because of our specific family situation, I may not be able to reason with him too much (he has a degenerative disease that is slowly killing his body and brain). I think he may be willing to concede to the argument of conscience. His preferred method is to debate the doctrine and so neither of us winds up budging. I think the main issue is it is humiliating for him to not have his daughters speaking up. Thanks so much!

  8. Don’t reason with him about the conscience issue. It is competitive in an arena he may feel vulnerable in because of his health. Make a seriously impassioned emotional plea. Not a constructed point-by-point argument.

  9. Honestly, arguing with emotion will NOT work with Daddy. He has always viewed any kind of emotion as a mute point. “Emotions are just feelings and not reality.” It would probably cause anger and even less chance of being allowed to stand my ground on what I view is an important issue. Pointing out that it is a matter of conscience is a lot more likely to gain me some ground.

  10. April, I am so thankful for your obedience to the Lord Jesus in hosting this blog. I enjoy reading it so much and sign on to do so most every day.
    I’ve been following the peaceful wife path for a couple of years now and have seen such a difference in my marriage! My home life is peaceful and contented. I would never go back to my old controlling ways. But…

    I have recently been praying for God to use me somehow in this area, to get the word out and be a witness that respect works, and that Jesus is the answer. And wham. He has my attention now. While I was following his Word at home, I have NOT been following it at my job and out in the world. Respectful and peaceful behavior in Christian women is not meant just for their marriages. I have said and done some spiteful, impulsive things that have come back to bite me very, very hard and I am so ashamed. In my personal life, I am back at the convicted stage with repentance. I see how terribly controlling and mean I have acted with friends, coworkers, and family members and I am sickened by it. I wanted God to use me to save marriages but first I have to address my all around behavior. How could I have been so blind to my own sin? I’ve been treating my husband according to Godly principles and have reaped those rewards, but outside my marriage relationship I’ve still been my same old critical, controlling self.

    I feel overwhelmed and sad. I want to change and that is the first step but I just don’t know where to start. I am praying and studying the Word about peace, joy, and self-control. I have decided to begin with a smile to people at work and to ask them questions about their lives and their kids etc. something I never really did before. That seems like such a small thing though. I have so much to change that I just feel overwhelmed.

    Please pray for me. I feel like such a small person right now, like I can’t say or do anything right outside my home. I am questioning everything I ever thought and it’s so scary. I don’t trust my own judgment anymore about anything and I am terrified to even open my mouth.

    How could I not see?

    1. Convicted and Ashamed,

      Yep! I had to go apologize and repent to all the people in my extended family for my control and disrespect and sin, too.

      As you seek God above all else and repent of all sin and ask Him to fill you with His Spirit – He will give you wisdom about how to love and honor others -especially as you feast on His Word! It sounds like you are in “The Frustrating Quiet Phase” – that is the beginning of wisdom, in my view!

      You are “poor in spirit” – meaning, you recognize your spiritual poverty and desperation for God. That is the ONLY place we can start.

      I pray for God’s wisdom and direction for you! I think there may also be posts here that may be helpful.

      Much love to you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store!

  11. I’ve been having this thought about giving up “feeling loved” and I’ve been struggling with it. Maybe you can help. I don’t see many articles written for men about giving up “feeling respected” and it’s making my head spin a bit. I believe the only fulfillment you can have is from Christ, no person can fulfill you, and expectations will only lead to destruction in a relationship. In order to live freely and with true love it has to come from God, the source, so that you don’t run dry and feel empty because you’ve given yourself away. I understand all this but I hesitate at the thought of giving up wanting love from my husband…that’s what I married him for right? To love him and to receive love back? That’s what gets my engine running, that’s what really helps me connect with him is when he speaks my language and shows love for me. I need to speak his language and show him respect through action, that’s what he understands, and that’s what gets his motor running. That’s what encourages him and makes him feel supported. It’s difficult for me to understand the concept of giving up that desire for love…help?

    1. Aubrey

      Men can absolutely have “feeling respected” as an idol in their hearts, too. “I have to feel respected by my wife or I cannot be ok!” I don’t write for men, so I don’t talk about that, but it works both ways.

      Yes, the only fulfillment any of us can find is in Christ.

      Yes, you need and want love from your husband. That is not bad. The problem is when you put your desire to feel loved by your husband above your love for and obedience to Christ. If your desire to feel loved by your husband leads you to sin – bitterness, resentment, pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, hatred, contempt and sin against your husband- that is a big problem.

      You can share what you want and need. But then the question is, what do you do when he doesn’t meet your needs? Can you find all of your contentment in the sufficiency of Christ alone? Are you expecting your husband to meet needs that truly only Christ can meet? What are your expectations? Where is your hope and faith?

      You can desire love from your husband. But if you decide, “I MUST feel loved the way I want to feel loved and I will not be content in Christ unless I also have THIS” – then you may be dealing with an idol.

      Please search my home page for:

      – discontentment
      – contentment
      – idol
      – idolatry

      Much love to you!

  12. Hello PW,
    I am currently on the journey towards becoming a Godly wife and learning how to show respect to my husband. My husband had shut down emotionally and lately does not want to talk to me, have sex, or touch me. I am having a hard time with his silence. I feel alone and often wonder how long we will go through this phase. Is this common, that some men shut down and don’t want to talk or touch at all? My silence can really draw him closer to me? I believe the scriptures and have faith in the Lord that my husband’s heart will one day be drawn to me again, but I guess that I am shock that almost total silence will work? Did you go through this with Greg? If so, how long were the both of you silent before starting to communicate once more? Thanks for your time. You are such a blessing to so many.
    The Revived Wife

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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