When There is No Happy Ending in Sight

This is an email from a wife who is in an email support group for wives whose husbands have committed infidelity or have abandoned them.  God is doing HUGE things in these women in the midst of some very dark and difficult days.  This precious sister in Christ allowed me to share her story this week.  I’m so thankful for her.  She tried to stop her husband from divorcing her, but he is not a believer and he refuses to stay.  

Sometimes a wife can do everything “right” but her husband will not stay and will not change.

Sometimes it is impossible to prevent divorce.  Sometimes separation can be necessary to bring healing – and couples may reunite.  Sometimes they may reunite after divorcing.

Some couples may never salvage their marriage covenant.

A wife cannot force her husband to stay if he has decided to go.

This is an excruciatingly painful time for this wife – and several others in our group.  Please pray for God’s wisdom, for Him to empower her not to be overcome by bitterness and for His greatest glory in her life and for her husband to come to know Christ.  Only God knows the ultimate ending of this story.  Christ is still with this beautiful woman.  He has never left nor has He forsaken her.  Her faith has been growing by leaps and bounds this past year.  It has been a VERY HARD year for her.  But God is able, somehow, in the midst of the destruction and ashes to bring beauty:
Having quite a day here…
I started attending a national class called Divorce Care.  This week it was about anger.
Today is very emotional for me, as my attorney and I spoke about the agreement and what all goes into it.   He wants me to hold out and make dh show what the properties are worth and get an appraisal on his business or keep my share of the business…blah blah blah.  He wants me to get a fair settlement and come out ahead. He is on my side. I know that.  Struggling though because dh agreed to something that I think will be fine for me and I don’t want to go any further. I don’t care about worth and all that. I want to sign on the dotted line and get it over with. So that was upsetting.  Also, I read an email that dh sent to his attorney, which was copied to my attorney and then forwarded to me.  I broke apart reading these words, “My wife’s counsel will be sending you an agreement”….
He called me his wife.  I’m crying again.  I know that technically I am… but he hasn’t said those words to me or called me his wife in so long and to read those words in an email to his attorney…  Just heartbreaking.  I’m an emotional nightmare today.   My attorney’s last words to me were, “Let’s have this conversation again tomorrow morning when you are in a better frame of mind”. As I cried to him and slobbered over myself.
One huge reason for my hystericality…is that.. the most poignant thing said in the class, which I reviewed this morning and really went through in my heart and mind was that

I have been keeping my husband in a prison.  I have kept him locked up tight in the “you hurt me” prison.  Our entire marriage since the first affair.  I am his prison warden and I have seen to it, that I have kept this guy locked up tight and doing time for what he did to me.

Well, where do prison wardens reside?
In prison with the prisoner.  We are just on different sides of the bars.  But sure enough, I have been locked up in there with him for years and years.
  • I’m ready to set him free.
  • I am ready to open those prison doors and let this man go.
  • to stop holding onto the hurt and the pain
  • to stop holding onto the need to be right
  • to stop holding onto the need to make him pay
  • to let go of the need to have him acknowledge me and my pain.

There is so much pain in opening those doors and releasing him.

I know there will be much healing too.

I don’t want to be in prison anymore.  I want to be healthy and whole and I want to forgive him and want to stop rehashing all the things he has done and I want to heal.
My head is pounding from crying all day and I have to see him tonight.  I want so badly to share all this with him, but now is not the time. There may be a season for that down the road.
I read this poem this morning on a friend’s FB, reposted it to mine, and am sharing it here.  Of course it made me cry.  I might have to accept today will be a crying day for me.  Take some Tylenol and get used to it.
“After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises…
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And with every goodbye
You learn again.”
– Veronica A. Shoffstall
God has GOOD things in store for everyone who puts all of their hope and trust in Him and who desire to obey and please Him alone.

Romans 8


For wives in very difficult marriages/situations, please check out Nina Roesner’s eCourse Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity.