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Breaking the Romance Addiction

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Here is a bit more from the wife I quoted in yesterday’s post about The Artificial Romance Issue – How Romantic Movies/Novels/Music Can Be a Stumbling Block. I am so thankful for this precious sister of mine and her willingness to share what she has learned the hard way.

———————–

I’m not going to lie to you, it was really difficult to let go of my ideas of romance. I wanted very deeply to get love letters, flowers, dates, etc from my husband that I understood I would get if he “really” loved me. He thinks those things are blandly vapid and somewhat emasculating.

This was a point of contention in my marriage… I realized that romance was so commercially dictated today that I was unable to even see my husband’s home-grown version. You know-

  • the “bring the trash can back from the curb in the pouring rain so I wouldn’t get wet”
  • the “stop to pick up milk for the children”
  • “get up and go to work without complaint (even though if he were single he probably would choose a much less stressful job)”.

I couldn’t see these things because to me they were “expected” and thus “not romantic”.

I had to train my brain- still do, in fact.

Every time I see him doing something thoughtful or something I don’t think he would do at all if single (and I look hard for it), I say to myself “how romantic”.

And, although I like a good sappy book or movie, I can’t consume them anymore because I know they mess with my thankfulness. Nice side effect is that my husband can’t stand chick flicks and is now happier on movie nights… :)

I work at a library and am amazed at how many women haul out bags filled with “honor books” that are basically female porn. They are 100% pushing discontent for women. I feel for them because I know they feel trapped- they only feel the rush of lust when reading romance novels. Life seems bland by comparison. But like how you cannot see for a time after being blinded by a bright light, your ability to feel the romance of your husband can be restored by strict purity and thankful thoughts. Don’t be surprised though if what you end up seeing is not the slightest bit conventionally romantic.

Wean yourself from those desires– they are a slavery. There is a vivid life of freedom beyond it.

—————-

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I, too, realized a few years ago as I was learning about respect and being a godly wife and woman and about submitting to Christ and to my husband – that even the Christian romance novels left me feeling disappointed with my own husband, jealous, covetous and feeling like I was missing out in my marriage.

I stopped watching any romantic movies and reading romance novels of any description. I also stopped reading marriage books about what husbands should do because if I “go there” I know that I can easily start to feel like a “victim” if my husband is not doing all of the things the book talks about.

I personally also dropped all expectations about Valentine’s Day and even birthdays and anniversaries. I don’t force my husband to get me anything. If he gets me something, I appreciate it and thank him. If he doesn’t, I am totally fine. I am so thankful for what God has done in our marriage and in my heart. I don’t have to have a store bought card and flowers to know how much my husband loves me. I can see his love for me every single day.

I cannot allow anything to distract me from a spirit of gratitude and joy in Christ.

To me, there is great freedom in enjoying what I have and savoring and being content with my situation and my life as it is right now. I look for the ways my husband speaks love to me and don’t demand that he show love to me the way I want him to. I see his love for me when he:

  • fixes up the guest bathroom because my cousin is coming to visit
  • renovates our house to make it my dream home
  • does the laundry without me asking and even folds stuff and puts it away all on his own! (He didn’t used to do that when I was controlling and disrespectful!)
  • cuddles with me every night
  • goes to work 5 days a week to provide for our family
  • brings home something for me from the flea market that he thinks I’ll enjoy
  • plays with our children
  • takes us to church
  • helps me when I am in pain or sick
  • listens to me, talks with me and cares about my feelings
  • makes me laugh with his great sense of humor
  • desires me
  • cares more about what is best for me than what is best for him

The greatest love story of all time is the one between Christ and His bride, church – and I get to be part of that! I also get to portray the church as I live out my marriage vows to my husband as he portrays the love of Christ. It is much better than fiction. It is very different from fiction – it is not a Hollywood script – but it satisfies in a much deeper way to seek to please Christ alone and to bring Him glory.

You want to know another amazing secret?

God somehow uses me now to be a little part of hundreds of other real life romances. I get a front row seat to see God change women and change their relationships and marriages for His glory. It is the most addictive and exciting thing ever! I get to watch the power of God create each unique romance. I wouldn’t trade my intimacy with Him, being in the center of His will and His pouring out His power into other people’s lives through me for anything!

54 thoughts on “Breaking the Romance Addiction

  1. Love these posts!! I too have given up on Hollywood romance flicks. I’m now addicted to real life marriages and listening to other wives share how God is changing them and their marriage. It’s breathtaking!! It is so important to not miss the ways our men are trying to be romantic. The other day I was having a very off today (hormonal) and I was just a bit unpleasant and short all day. My husband got upset with me earlier that day about something causing me to cry. We never really dealt with it but carried on the rest of the day. Later that night I was out playing with our girls and he was doing yard work. I was sitting on the steps, he came over put his arms around me and said, I’m not sure what’s going on with you today but I want you to know I’m here and I love you.” What I thought was kind of an apology, he later told me he was being romantic. Don’t miss the little things that your husband does to bless you!!

  2. These have been two really great posts. I have often deliberately gone “off” reading romance novels in the past, only to find myself back in them and spending way too much time reading during the day…slacking off on housework, etc… and yes, my attitude definitely changes for the worst towards my husband as I compare him to these unrealistic heroes–and it’s definitely true that Christian romance novels are just as bad as all the rest as far as creating unrealistic expectations… recently I was newly convicted and gave them up again, this time I think and hope for good. And the result is that I slowly find my mind becoming more turned to God and His Word, feeling cleansed from bad attitudes and more predisposed to be appreciative towards my husband. I love this post about looking for all the hidden romance. Our husbands do go out of their way to serve us in these ways because they love us; and really, that’s all we want, is to know we are loved. The American culture throws it’s definition of romance at us from all directions, but let’s keep our eyes open for Biblical romance, which is exemplified by Jesus, who “came not to be served but to serve.”

  3. This is important because many young ones out here are looking for a person who simply does not exists; I also know for a fact that men will be men and, not do anything really romantic because most of them don’t think of anything romantic. I stop reading such things and watching such things because it makes me depressed other than the fact that I get those whom are wolves that just want to score; I tend to surround myself in things that are based on intense subjects like Classics, Philosophy, Sociology and much more.

    As mentioned before King Solomon warned about what we read and, this goes for the same in what we watch as well because there are some things in life that just will never happen.

  4. So what you are saying is that girls/women don’t actually like pretty, girlie female things like getting flowers, a card from a father or husband, perfume from a husband, taking you to see a chickflick etc, that women don’t actually really like those things. But rather have been brainwashed by commercial and media to believe that our hearts like (desire) them?

    1. … or (sorry April, I just had another thought) … is it in the definition of “romance” … just like healthy sex is in the definition of what sex really means – as oppose to sex like in porn.

    2. Robyn,

      Women sometimes DO like these kinds of things that are pushed commercially. But, it is not something our husbands always want to give. What I am hoping is that we can see the ways our husbands show their love and appreciate what they are giving instead of trying to make them show us love in a certain way on certain dates with a lot of demands of pressure.

      Does that make sense?

        1. Robyn,

          Women are wired to think about emotional/spiritual connection.
          men are wired to think about a physical/spiritual connection.

          This forces us to grow in maturity and holiness and to learn to be selfless. 🙂

  5. I agree wholeheartedly with 2 of the things you shared:
    1) I don’t read things that tell husbands how to behave (in fact, I purposefully avoided watching the movie “Courageous” because I didn’t want to find myself hoping my hubby will implement whatever the men accomplished in it)
    2) I released my husband of all expectations regarding holidays….actually of all expectations, period!

    Both of these can be used to stir up vain imaginations concerning how “I” think he should be acting/treating me.

    I also loved the part where the wife said that she looks for anything that her hubby does for her/the family that he wouldn’t have done if he was single and then makes sure she flags it in her heart as being “romantic”.

    1. SusanB,

      I didn’t watch Courageous or Fireproof either. It is just WAY too easy for me to think, “Why won’t my husband do X, too?” I can’t go there! It messes with my grateful, joyful spirit way too much.

      I released my husband of all expectations, too. It was actually very liberating. And now, anything he does for me – I view as a gift. So, I feel much more loved than I ever did before.

      I like that, too. This wife has some really helpful and practical ideas that can bless a lot of marriages. I’m sure there may be some women who aren’t affected by these things (romantic books/movies/love songs), but I AM affected by them – so for me, they are not beneficial.

    2. That’s VERY interesting SusanB, I found even any scriptures that speak directly to or about husbands – I had to recopy out and void those sections. (I couldn’t bring myself to white them out of the Bible) – sounds wacked I know, but it worked!!

      1. Robyn,

        I totally understand why you needed to do that! That is why I hardly ever post the verses about husbands and just focus on the wives’ part on my blog. It is TOO easy to point fingers at our husbands when we read that instead of focusing on what God commands US to do.

      2. Robyn,
        You are SOOOO right regarding avoiding reading scripture that tells men how to behave. I’ve heard countless women say “the Bible says he’s supposed to ________ and he doesn’t”. Although they may be correct in their observation, they need to stop expecting/hoping they will embrace these biblical directives for them. I know it’s difficult because if they are a believer, they should be seeking to walk in godliness, but that isn’t always going to be the case.

        The unfortunate thing about our society today is there are very few people willing to allow others into their lives. And there are fewer people willing to pour themselves into others. Men, especially. They generally don’t have the support system or accountability to thrive as a Christian….much less a husband.

        A lot of the reason is because everyone is so independent these days and prefer to avoid relying on others or seeking advice when there is a need. And because they choose to be independent, few people, if any, even know that they have a need.

        But we, as a wife, see everything about them, making it difficult to not say anything. Yet it is not our place to be their advisors. And add to the mix that men don’t generally like unsolicited advice….especially from a woman….and even less from their own wife – the one who’s supposed to believe in them, not condemn them (according to their view, at least). They see this as acting like their mother, which doesn’t ever breed intimacy.

        All this to say, seek to be the godly wife God has designed you to be and avoid expecting him to be a godly husband. Once you settle this, you’ll be surprised at how much your attitude will improve towards your husband.

        1. SusanB,
          Dropping all of my expectations and focusing on my own sin, my obedience and my relationship with Christ was VERY powerful in my life! MUCH more powerful than the 14 years I spent pointing at my husband and telling him and God how he should change.

          Great advice, Susan!

          Thank you!

      3. @ SusanB, “All this to say, seek to be the godly wife God has designed you to be and avoid expecting him to be a godly husband. Once you settle this, you’ll be surprised at how much your attitude will improve towards your husband.”

        That isn’t what surprised me the most though. What was amazing was that as I let go and let God grow me, He changed my husband’s heart to WANT to infill into my feminine heart. It is truly a case of casting your bread on the water and it coming back buttered!

  6. Wow, this post is amazing. I guess you are right. Lately, I am in great pain. I have to give up so many expectations at once. Plus, being respectful, no more wining, ask only once (this is hard) and be content in the Lord.

    I hope I make it soon on the other side, because it hurts. I want flowers, I want “I love you” phone calls… This is not easy.

    But you are right because it’s true that in “his” own special way, dh does show me love. I don’t want to be ungrateful.

    1. Yas,

      Sometimes – you will read more than you can absorb and you may have to slow down. It is impossible to make all the changes at once.

      Ask God to help you see what to focus on primarily. And ask Him to cleanse you of all the sin you can see. Ask Him to fill you up. Spend time in His Word . Listen to His voice.

      I love you phone calls and emails and love letter are AWESOME! If he does that for you – ENJOY it! But if he doesn’t – that needs to be ok, too. Look for the ways HE shows you that he loves you and appreciate that deeply. 🙂

      Sending you a huge hug!

      Start a list of the things he does do for you and of his strengths and focus on that. 🙂

  7. April, sounds like your next book after the one you’re working on now should be a Christian romance novel that portrays a Christian wife who understands that her husband’s actions are romantic even if they’re not Hollywood romantic. That would be one that you could actually recommend to your readers.

    Also, I’m impressed that you and others have intentionally avoided Fireproof and/or Courageous. I have been very troubled about those films’ popularity among evangelical Christians, because they are actually very problematic if you analyze them carefully. They are very one-sided, marinated in the cultural feminism that has so pervaded the Church. Men are portrayed generally as bad, selfish, lustful, unspiritual, etc., while (especially in Fireproof) the wife is portrayed sympathetically despite patently unbiblical behavior (gross disrespect for her husband, nagging, discontent, sexual refusal, flirting with a co-worker and considering an affair until she finds out the co-worker is also married, etc.). The “happy ending” is for the husband to change, apologize, grovel, etc.; the wife never acknowledges any fault. There is some lip service at the end to the idea that sometimes it’s the wife who needs to try “the Love Dare” rather than the husband. I’ll believe that when they make a Fireproof or a Courageous that features a disrespectful wife who does an about face. But in the Church today, you can safely and popularly exhort men to “man up” and lead (though only as a servant leader); you can’t exhort women to submit and respect.

    1. It’s actually really helpful for me to read that some of you have also actively avoided Fireproof and/or Courageous….I had to do that, they would for me be the very worst kind of romance movie, I get and am appreciative that these films have benefitted many couples, but they would just feed my tendency to fantasise about what I can’t have Instead of concentrating on the good in what I do have!

  8. Fireproof is actually a very carnal-minded movie masquerading as spiritually oriented.

    The woman is like a Christian Kate Gosselin – emasculating and disrespecting her husband, then turning tearfully toward the camera and saying:

    *sniff* “He won’t lead, so I end up having to…”

    Such movies are designed to LOOK like they are about wifely submission, while subtly implying that the woman will ultimately determine when submission is appropriate.

    I would actually prefer a woman with an addiction to sex-and-the-city. At least it is clear what it is. Better a wolf than a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  9. Wow! This is an awesome post! I found myself getting teary eyed just tlike I used to when looking at a “Hollywood romance” movie when the wives talked about looking at the practical and truly romantic things that your husband does. Goodness, my husband does so many things. I feel horrible about how ungrateful I have been and continue to be. I need to watch a two hour movie every weekend (at least) highlighting all the stuff he does for me. Taking out the trash, doing the laundry and loading the dishwasher to name a few tasks that I kind of really, really dislike doing. I need to work on “evening the score” domestically (as a goal not a competition):)!

    This “mirage” of romance in our society is just such a hazard for the woman who desires to be a peacefulwife! It just highlights how we must commit to not loving the world and it’s lusts. These days I just feel like I am surrounded on every side by cleverly veiled satanic traps!

    HOWEVER, THANK GOD FOR BLOGS LIKE THIS! WE ARE THE SALT OF THE EARTH!

    1. Elle,

      I’m so glad that this blessed you. WOuldn’t it be awesome if we could watch “movie clips” of all the romantic things our husbands did for us!?!? We can at least replay them in our minds and rehearse, remember and be grateful for them. 🙂

      Yes, we are surrounded on every side by lies, deception and temptation. We must be sober minded and alert. We do have a very active enemy who desires to destroy us.

  10. My wife is ADDICTED to reading this stuff. She carries her kindle with her everywhere except work. We had a conversation about 7 months ago regarding this and I told her I can’t compete with this unrealistic men and the porn. She told me she “skips” all the sex parts and it’s her outlet/hobby to relax. Meanwhile, she never plays with the kids and doesn’t do anything around the house other than a few things. I’m hurting because I don’t think she realizes what it’s doing to her. And to all the authors out there writing these books, I really wish they would stop the madness; it’s ruining marriages.
    Thank you for this article!

    1. William,
      I agree with you, this stuff is addictive and promotes discontentment and fantasy and unrealistic expectations. Praying for wisdom for you as you seek to address this in a godly way.

  11. Another area I struggle in. I want text messages letting me know he’s thinking of me, a card on my birthday, flowers as a surprise. I really really want those.
    I think it comes down to how we show our love to others. My friends all say I’m the most thoughtful and caring friend they have. I think about people and actually put that into action with a phone call, card, flowers, note. I like to show people my love and affection for them. I don’t do it to get it back.

    I get a bit frustrated too because it can feel like the blame is all put on the wife while the husband gets to go along however he want and not die to self either. Why must the wife be the one to change her love language and the husband do what he pleases? We are both called to love and respect.

    I’ve tried hard to find things my husband does.

    He goes to work
    He comes home and sleeps next to me
    He takes care of the yard
    Sometimes he takes the kids fishing (few times a year).
    He says thank you for his dinner.

    1. Godlywifetobe,

      Thank you for sharing that this is a struggle for you. I think it is probably an area of struggle for almost every wife I have ever talked with out of hundreds of wives on this journey.

      I used to feel the same way.

      I actually hope that you might allow me to quote some of your comments here on posts because you are articulating the struggles that are practically universal among wives who begin this road. I happen to have quite a number of posts on these topics!

      Most likely, your husband does not show love in the exact way that you do. That doesn’t actually mean he doesn’t love you – by the way. It may just mean he’s a man! And, it may mean he is different from you. But different doesn’t mean “wrong.”

      A few issues here:

      – If he is feeling really controlled or disrespected or you try to demand that he do these things for you, he will not do them. Men HATE being told what to do or forced into things. Check out “Why Your Husband May Not Immediately Do What You Ask Him to Do” And, it may be a good thing that he doesn’t do what you want if you are trying to make him do these things. It actually wouldn’t mean much if he did something just because you tell him to do it. He knows that. And he knows that you know that. Men want to do things because they want to do them. Not because someone insisted they do them. It’s ok to occasionally ask for what you’d like, “Honey, I’d love a card on my birthdays. That would mean so much to me.” – in a pleasant voice and with a smile and no pressure.

      I tried to force Greg to do these kinds of things for me. One year I demanded that he write me a love letter for Valentine’s Day “with at least 3 sentences.” He didn’t do it. I got SO LIVID. How would he not do this SIMPLE thing for me!?!? He obviously didn’t love me like I love him! I understand now that I was trying to make him do things and demand that he express love in a specific way (that happens to be very difficult for him- words about emotions are as difficult for him as building a set of shelves would be for me). Shuanti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only” is VERY HELPFUL to help us understand how real men think and feel and what expectations we may need to consider laying down.

      – Your husband probably shows you love in other ways – the primary one being – he goes to work to provide for the family. Even if you work, too, this is one of the biggest ways men try to show their love for their family. PLEASE thank him once a week or so for that!

      – THANK HIM for these good things! You actually have a lot more to work with here than MANY, MANY wives I talk with! Please keep adding to this list of things you admire and respect about him. When you pray, take a list of your sins and a list of the things you are thankful for about your husband before God in prayer.

      I am not blaming wives here. What I am doing is focusing on the only parts we can control – US. Your husband will have his turn, too. Not to worry! As you continue to grow in Christ and are full of His Spirit and stop responding sinfully when he doesn’t do what you want him to do, but offer him real mercy, love and grace and he sees the peace and joy of Christ in your heart for months and months on end and he sees that you are unshakable… he is going to get confused and curious and he is going to start to feel convicted for the sinful ways he acts towards you. And he is going to be able to be in the best position on the planet to hear God’s voice.

      The primary goals here are not to get you cards and flowers and romance. The primary goals here have got to be:
      1. For you to abide in Christ and to be living in total fellowship and obedience to Him to bring Him honor and glory. That is the primary purpose why you are on this planet.
      2. For you to bless your husband and to be a missionary to him God’s style – obeying I Peter 3:1-6 and paving the way, being a partner with God to make it as easy as possible for him to hear God’s voice so that he will come to Christ. Only God can open his spiritual eyes. But you can make it MUCH easier or MUCH harder for him to come close to you and to God by your obedience or disobedience to God’s Word. His eternal destination has got to be priority right now. He is spiritually dead. You don’t expect a corpse to get up and serve you and lavish you with love, right? He can’t love you like Jesus does because he doesn’t have God’s Spirit in his heart. He is dead. For eons after this life is over – his spiritual destiny hangs in the balance. You may have to die to self to help be a partner to God to make it easier for him to come to Christ. What sacrifice would be too great for a wife to make if it meant that her husband would come to know Christ as Savior and Lord in the future?

      The believing Christian spouse carries all the burden of demonstrating the unfailing love, mercy and grace to the unbelieving spouse. You are supposed to be alive in Christ. You are the only one who can hear God’s voice. So you have infinitely greater responsibility right now. Check out “When My Spouse Is Wrong.”

      – Yes, God calls your husband to love you as Christ loves the church and to honor you. And, it is my prayer, that one day your husband will be on his face in repentance before God and before you begging for forgiveness for his sins. But the only person you are responsible for is you. You cannot make your husband love you. You cannot change him. You cannot open his eyes. You can repel him if you disrespect, dishonor and try to control him and make him do what you want. You can repel him from yourself and from God. Or, you can choose to die to your own will and live to honor Christ and seek to do all that you can in cooperation with God to draw him to God and to yourself by using God’s methods and His wisdom, not your own.

      Does that mean you will get cards and flowers one day? I don’t know.

      If you obey God will He change you? YES! Guaranteed!

      And if you want your husband to come to Christ, THIS is the only path by which that will happen. God gives you very clear direction in I Peter 3:1-6. That is your assignment. Until God changes your husband or until God calls one of you home.

      I want to see Jesus say to you, “Well done, My good and faithful servant” to you when you stand before Him in heaven no matter what your husband does. You will be graded individually when you stand before God.

      Please check out:

      My Husband Forgot Our Anniversary

      My Husband Didn’t Get Me Anything for Our Anniversary, And I’m So Happy to Be Married to Him!

      The Idol of Romance
      Breaking the Romance Addiction

      A Challenge for You, Ladies – not to argue or complain

      Smile!

      Replacing the Tapes in My Head

      And, please, check out today’s post!

      What you are experiencing is normal. My prayer is that you will see that this is all about you and Jesus and that you might be willing to follow Him in total trust and faith and experience the abundant life He has in store for you and that you might bless your husband and that God may bring him to Himself.

      We will continue to walk this road together, my precious sister!

      1. PS

        Husbands tend to show love more by:

        – doing things
        – taking care of the house and yard
        – desiring physical intimacy
        – being in the same room together (many men bond without words, but by doing activities “shoulder-to-shoulder”)

        I would love to see you thank your husband for something every other day – just a sentence or two.

        Men are VERY, VERY, VERY different from women. They have a whole masculine world that I knew nothing about until 5 years ago. Enjoy him. Explore his world. Learn how he thinks and feels and care about what is important to him. Discover the amazing man he is. Tell him when he does anything you admire or respect. Tell him you are proud of him for the things he does do. Be sincere!

        Check out “From Clark Kent to Superman”

        You have SO MUCH POWER in Christ here that you are not tapping into that you could use to bless, affirm, encourage and honor your husband. As you learn to do this, you will become the woman God desires you to be and the women you have always wanted to be. You will “win” no matter what your husband does. But – he will also be such a beneficiary, too. When you bless him, you are on his team, so you will also be blessed.

        Your power is not in looking at what he needs to do differently. That is a dead end road – I took that road for 14.5 years. It is destructive.

        Your power is in focusing on Christ and what He desires to do in your heart and life! This is the path to peace and joy and incredible contentment and fulfillment! 🙂

        Much love to you!

      2. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed. Feeling like it’s all my fault. I’ve lowered my dose of antidepressants two weeks ago and I think that I’m putting too much burden on myself trying to be perfect like you all on here.

        1. Godlywifetobe,

          No one here is perfect!!!! I can promise you that!

          It took me over 2 years to begin to feel like I had any clue what I was doing with stopping disrespect and beginning respect. It took 3.5 years for my husband to feel safe with me again. This is a LONG, LONG, LONG process. It took Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare, 10 years to get to the place where she felt like being a godly wife was something that was beginning to come more naturally.

          Here is the usual process she outlines: Learning to Respect and Give Up Control Is a Process

          You are not at fault for everything in the marriage! You are only responsible for yourself. 🙂 Your husband is accountable to God for himself and he will stand before Him to give an account one day.

          This whole thing is a lot like eating an elephant, you can’t do it quickly. You can only absorb a little bit at a time and work with that and then take another few bites and digest that the next day. It is the process of sanctification – being made more and more like Christ.

          And, our husbands are not perfect. My husband still watches tons of TV, just like yours. My husband doesn’t help the kids get ready or put them to bed. I mean, now – he will if I specifically ask him to. But, I usually do that stuff, just like you do – the difference is my perspective now.

          As a pharmacist, I know that there are several weeks after a change in anti-depressants when anxiety or depression could get worse. If that is happening, you may want to talk with your MD.

          And, I would recommend – slow things down. Don’t try to learn all of this at once. Pick one or two things to work on each week. And, most of all, spend time with God, seek Him and pray. He is able to heal you and change you.

          We are all here right beside you. 🙂

          If you need to take a break and not read about these things for a week or two – that is ok!

          I pray you can get some rest and I pray God will help you take baby steps.

          Much love to you my precious sister!

          1. Thanks for the reminder that it takes time and to do it slowly. I tend to just grab at a task and go all in and get it done right away.

            I will take small bites 🙂

  12. Wow, this is so true. I stopped reading romance novels for similar reasons. One, they are often “sanctified porn” . Women don’t need to see the whole thing unveiled and are quite capable of filling in all the necessary gaps. The second reason is that it makes me want something that most likely, cannot be had. I think its hard when you see another woman who apparently is getting stuff like that, but often, not always, but often, its been women who are controlling and demanding and the guy HAS to do it or he will be in the dog house if he doesn’t ante up with what’s expected. Some of the men I know who are the most “romantic” also seem to be really crummy leaders who can’t stand up to their wives when its necessary that they do so. What’s up with that? Perhaps the husband who finds that stuff emasculating has a point.

    I actually love a lot of the Fireproof and Courageous message, although I’m aware that there are some serious faults to it. I was glad to see a man who actually stopped using his wife’s sin to justify his own, and submitted to God in Fireproof. I loved Courageous but at the same time, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that as usual, the evangelical community thinks it has to ape the world to get the gospel message across and now other churches are opening up “movie making ministries”. How come in churches where prayer, the bible and passionate seeking of God were central, the Holy Spirit was quite adequate at drawing people to God. It seems that now men of God are to stand up and lead their families because the point of the gospel is having healthy strong families. This is preferring salt and pepper to the actual meal I think. The message still sounds too much like ” Get your life right with God by admitting you need His help to make it work and then your life will work and you will be happy”. Its kind of a watered down gospel I think.

  13. Goodday,I also agree with what you’ve said. I am a single girl of 21 and I haven’t had a boyfriend or anyone I’m even thinking about and while I think its not God’s time for me to meet my life partner, I also know I have an impossibly high standard,I expect to feel a spark wen I meet “the one”,and I don’t know if that really happens in real life,I also expect him to show a grand gesture of love before I can even agree to date him,and now I know that might possibly never happen. I just hope I haven’t overlooked my “the one” because he didn’t make my heart pound when I first saw him.

    1. Jennifer,

      It is great to hear from you! I know that “the one” is a big concept in our culture now. But, I am not sure that is biblical. The One we need – who will meet all our needs perfectly and never fail us and satisfy our souls is Jesus. Apart from that, Scripture commands us only to marry men who are “in the Lord.” There is not a concept of “it has to be a particular man or you are doomed.”

      The truth is, all men are wretched sinners. And all women are wretched sinners. Any man you marry will have some strengths and some faults. There is no perfect man except for Jesus – because He is God.

      Many of us started as friends and developed attraction over time to the men we married. There may not be a Hollywood moment when you meet a guy. You may not be all tingly immediately. That doesn’t mean that a guy isn’t for you.

      I have a blog for single women, as well. You are welcome to go through the posts there, I have a feeling there may be several that could be helpful. http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com

      Also, please check out:

      Soul Mates
      The Fantasy of Romance
      Jesus Is Our Greatest Treasure

      You may also like my videos on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy”

      Much love!

  14. Just read the post on ‘Breaking the Romance Addiction” and today of all days..I started off this morning on the wrong note with my husband.We’ve been married for almost 16 years (early next year) and I still feel he doesn’t understand me and behave ‘the way I can feel the love’. Reading this was really liberating and the thought of releasing him from all expectations is such a wonderful piece of advice.I should focus on my relationship with my God and be living a life that is pleasing to Him..Thanks again April for sharing your thoughts…:) God bless

  15. As a husband my problem is a bit different to others in that my wife is totally addicted to novels, but its all male homosexual stuff. She was always a good reader and got books from the library, but when she got the kindle 3 years ago she started downloading these books. I can see all the titles as the bill comes through my emal. She buys about 25 per month, every month but what concerns me is she does not seem to be interested in anything else now. She does the cooking etc, but otherwise sits down from early morning to late at night reading them. Even on a recent cruise she spent most of the time in the room reading. Now my main concern is that she is not getting any excercise and at 68 is in my view is asking for trouble as she is overweight. I walk or work outside to keep fit myself, but she stays inside reading.

    1. Garrett,

      It is a pleasure to meet you! 🙂

      Goodness, that doesn’t seem healthy for your wife’s soul. Have you shared that you believe she should stop reading these things?

      1. Yes I have raised the issue and her response is, now that she has retired (12 years ago, actually) she just enjoys these books. I dont know what to do as she gets angry if I say anything or mention the Amazon montly bill of around $200. Although its not that which concerns me, its the addiction. Her eyes dont even seemto get tired.

        1. Garrett,

          Does she understand that she is addicted?

          There is a site that may be helpful with resources for you and for her – http://www.xxxchurch.org
          They offer biblical Christian help and support for people and spouses of people with a variety of different types of porn addiction.

          If you are believers in Christ, you can appeal to your God-given authority as the head of the home to gently, lovingly ask her to stop reading this material. You could appeal to God’s Word about how lust is sin, and addictions are unhealthy and how God commands us as believers in Christ not to have even a trace of sexual immorality in our lives and that reading this stuff will contaminate her mind. I can get you Bible references for those concepts if you are interested. You could remind her that this material will destroy her fellowship with God and you could share your concerns about how this filth would be affecting her thought life, her soul, and your marriage.

          If she does not listen to you, the biblical model for confronting someone about sin is found in Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 18:15-17. Then you would ask her to talk with a godly counselor or trusted pastor with you about the issue. You can search my home page for “confronting our husbands about sin” most of the principles would apply for husbands confronting wives, as well. You may also want to check the post at the top of my home page “When My Spouse Is Wrong.”

          I can absolutely understand your concern about this material. I don’t see where that genre is going to be productive or healthy anyone to read. It certainly sounds like a significant addiction to me.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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