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Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places


Insecurity seems to be a practically universal struggle for women.

We want security in our marriages, and – really, with other people, too.  We want to know that we are lovable.  We want to know that no matter what happens, those we love will still love us.

We want security in the love of our husbands, their ability to protect us, their ability to provide for us, their trustworthiness, our safety with them, etc…

When Greg and I took a class on the 7 Basic Needs of a Husband and the 7 Basic Needs of a Wife – our teacher said that the #1 basic need of a wife is “A wife needs the stability and direction of a husband who is functioning as the spiritual leader of his family.”  I believe that another way of saying this is “security.”  I think that is interesting, considering the wife represents the church in marriage and the husband represents Christ.  Also interesting that the #1 need of a husband is “a wife who respects him for who he is as a man.”

Ideally, our husbands would be godly men in whom we could place our trust and confidence and they would never disappoint us.  Trouble is, they are all human, and they will let us down at times.

Here is a little secret about real security for you.

If you try to find security in anything or anyone other than Jesus – you are going to be full of fear, anxiety and insecurity constantly!

Trust me… I have personally gone down that road way too many times.

Sometimes as women, we think we are honoring and serving Christ, but then we start to put our faith in other places, too – without consciously even realizing it.  We start to look to other things/people to find our identity, to find our purpose, to feel safe and secure in our hearts.  “If I could just have X, I would feel safe.  I would be happy.  I would feel secure.” Things like:

  • self
  • romance
  • trying to be in control
  • perfectionism
  • people pleasing
  • education
  • high grades
  • sports
  • marriage
  • sex
  • our man to do what we want him to do  (“If he would just do what I want, everything would be great!”)
  • a man who never ever ever notices that there are any other beautiful women on the planet (“If I can keep him from seeing that woman at the next table, I can feel secure.”)
  • my man’s sinlessness (even in his thought life – this is a HUGE idol for many women!  “If I can just monitor his computer/phone all the time, and if I can watch to be sure he is not sinning at all, then I can feel secure.  Then he won’t sin against me and I will be safe.”)
  • children  (“If only I had a child, then I would be able to be happy/content/fulfilled.”
  • money
  • a great career
  • luxury
  • a house
  • a fancy car
  • having certain friends
  • popularity
  • adventure/excitement
  • partying
  • drugs/alcohol
  • escape
  • fame
  • beauty
  • having a certain body shape/size
  • being a godly wife, respect and submission can be idols if our goal is to control our husbands and we are not obeying God with the right motives to please Christ alone, we can even think God “owes” us if we think we are doing  a “good enough” job and begin to demand that God do certain things for us in return – NOT GOOD!

The list could go on and on.  What we are really doing here is – we are trying to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts with things that will never satisfy us.

Worldly things cannot bring true contentment!  God Himself makes sure of that!  I am so thankful!

Only Jesus can truly satisfy the deepest needs and longings of our souls.

These other things can easily become idols that we put above Christ in our lives – these things can become more important to us than intimacy with Him.  That is one HUGE problem!  Idolatry breaks the most important commandment to have no other gods in our lives but to worship the One True Lord God and serve Him only.  To God, when we put other things in His proper place of worship in our lives, and try to find our identity, purpose, fulfillment and contentment in those things – it is as if we are committing adultery on Him in a marriage covenant.  But His covenant with us is even more sacred than a marriage covenant.  This is SERIOUS stuff.  Many times, we don’t even realize what we are doing!  But there are some symptoms we can look for to tip us off.


  • desperation for something other than Christ
  • neediness towards the thing/person we idolize – thinking we MUST have that thing/that person to be happy!
  • despair
  • loss of joy
  • anxiety, lack of peace (any sin can create this, and there can be other causes, too – but not trusting God but trusting self or something else, not living by faith in God does create huge anxiety!)
  • depression (this is one cause for depression – it is not the only one!)
  • fear (this is one of the causes of fear)
  • willingness to sin to have the thing/person in which we place our trust, a willingness to go after our idol no matter what the cost to us or anyone else
  • obsession
  • extreme anger when someone attempts to take our idol away
  • the things of God seem boring
  • God’s Word does not spring to life when we read it
  • a lack of ability to hear God’s voice
  • disobedience to the Word of God
  • comparing ourselves to others
  • complaining
  • arguing
  • increasing sin
  • a hardened heart to God
  • lack of love for Christ, a heart that has grown cold towards Him
  • pride that I know what is best
  • discontentment
  • bitterness

There are many more – but hopefully this will help us recognize what we are doing.  Basically, our sinful nature is in control – but we are not getting the happiness we want and we become more and more sinful as we try to reach for that thing we think we have to have.   It consumes us.

God designed us to find our identity, our purpose, our fulfillment, our strength, our refuge, our joy and peace in Him alone.  






When I see negative feelings, anger, jealousy, discontentment, greed in my soul – it is a big flag to check my motives and to look for idols in my heart.  They must all be torn out by the root.


If we begin to feel very insecure with a man, it is often because we have taken our eyes off of Christ.  It’s time to ask myself some hard questions in the light of God’s Word and His Spirit

  • What is my purpose here?
  • Why do I feel insecure?  Is he sinning against me?  Or am I trying to find security in him that I can really only find in Christ Jesus?
  • What is the goal of my life?
  • What do I believe I need to make me happy?  Is it anything other than Jesus?
  • Could I be putting this man above Christ in my heart?
  • Am I expecting this man to meet needs that only Jesus can meet in my soul?
  • Am I trying to please this man or this person above pleasing God?
  • Am I seeking this person’s approval above God’s approval?
  • Am I looking for reassurance that I am worthy of love in this human relationship?
  • Where am I looking for my security?
  • How is my communion with God?

sometimes we are insecure because our husbands sin against us.  Sometimes we are insecure because we expect them to be Jesus to us in ways that no human could be.  Sometimes we make our husbands into idols and expect them to be responsible for our joy and contentment.  That is not right!  Only Jesus can give us real, unshakable, joy and contentment.


The way that we develop a godly, feminine, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:4-6) is that we put our trust 100% in our sovereign God.

  • THAT is how we can be at peace no matter what our circumstances.
  • THAT is how we can be unshakable.
  • THAT is how we don’t have to struggle with feeling insecure about our looks, our bodies, our abilities, our lovability or anything else.



I’m sure that “self esteem” experts wouldn’t like what I am about to share.  But, God says that we are all wretched sinners.  How is that for boosting our self esteem?

  • God says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Romans 3:23
  • “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… ruin and misery mark their ways, the way of peace they do not know.  There is no fear of God before their eyes.” Romans 3:10-12, 16-18
  • We are all image bearers of God.   We were created to bring glory to God (Genesis 2).  But we all became slaves to sin.
  • We all deserve God’s wrath and judgment for our sin.  (Romans 6:23)
  • We can do nothing on our own to restore a right relationship with God.  (Ephesians 2:8)


Once I receive the gift that Jesus offers to me – where I accept that He took the wrath and punishment upon Himself for my sins that I deserved – and I accept that in total faith and trust in Him – He gives me a new life.  He gives me a new identity.  He gives me a new heart and mind and a new nature.  He crucifies my sinful nature with Him on the cross.  All things become new.  I accept Him not only as my Savior – who saved me from the punishment God would have righteously given to me for my sin – but I accept Him as Lord.  Now He is the Master.  I am a slave to Him.  I am free from sin and now I am a slave to righteousness!

Our security is found in Christ alone.

We’ll talk much more about these issues in the next post!!!!!

THIS is exciting stuff! 🙂



Roots of Insecurity

Our Identity in Christ -THIS is My Security!


You are welcome to leave comments!   I would love to hear from you.

30 thoughts on “Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places

  1. All I can say is WOW! Very Timely
    This issue has cropped up in my life over the last 36 hours and I am miserable because of it. It all started with an unwise comment, a careless attitude about things that are extremely hurtful, because he was raised differently and sees them as no big deal. And there is no talking through it, it only gets worse. My Demon.

    Just this morning while running, I cried out to God to help me transfer all my security back in Him, and stop looking for it in my husband. And once again trust that He will provide the needs of my heart and will work accordingly.

    My heart is still aching, but I have rest in my soul. Peace that God will provide security.

  2. Mel, I am right there with you experiencing near the same thing……Help me Oh Lord, to walk, think, speak, be in the spirit..I HATE this flesh, I HATE how it makes me feel complete opposite of secure, content, happy. I know Jesus tells me to NOT trust in emotions, but I am really struggling right now. I can even see why I am, looking for the things you speak of April in my husband instead of Christ……I am miserable, and I have made my husband miserable too. Help me Lord!

    1. Meg,

      Idolatry always causes misery, pain and discontentment. It sure did for me!

      Praying for you to be able to have the power to tear out those idols by the root and truly depend on and worship Christ alone, finding all your needs met fully in Him as Lord. 🙂

  3. This was so helpful for me today as I have been struggling the last few days with exact what you wrote on. God is so amazing that through our technology todayHe can use someone to touch a heart and witness the word of GOD without being in the same place or even knowing a name. I thank you for letting GOD use you to do this very important task. Your blog has helped me in more ways than you know.

    Have a blessed day!

    Sent from my iPhone

  4. Oh ,April. I have been struggling just this morning with insecurity over my husband’s lack of employment. This trial has lasted for almost three years. It can be put me in such a state of self-pity when I can’t even afford to go to the thrift store. Most days, I give it all to God and trust and I am at peace. Today I needed to be reminded that Christ is my security, my hope for better days. He alone will carry me through this. Thank you, April.

    1. Gleniece,
      That is certainly a very challenging trial – and a lengthy one, too. 🙁

      I pray that God will provide for your family, and especially that He might provide just the right job for your husband. But I definitely pray also that you will find your security in Jesus.

      Much love to you!

  5. This is so good, April. Unfortunately, my wife and I were always told (from Christian college on through Sunday school classes and marriage seminars) that a wife’s # 1 need from her husband is security. We would both nod our heads, because we were both aware that she really did have a great need for security. But neither of us had enough sense to stop and think, “Wait a minute. No man can promise or deliver security for any length of time. He can try NOT to create INsecurity — by being faithful, working hard, etc. But there’s way too much in life that’s completely beyond his control — the economy, his job security, other people, etc.” For us, the insecurities I couldn’t control really started rocking us about 15 years into the marriage and didn’t really let up thereafter. Even then, it wasn’t until after she had filed for divorce that something finally triggered the realization in me that we had been sold a bill of goods all those years. Ultimately, she was looking to me for the security that only God can provide, and — no surprise — I couldn’t give it, even if I had been perfect, which I certainly was not.

  6. Thank you April! After 4 long years of holding on to so much useless thoughts in my head…I can say that I am free!You have opened my eyes and ears to the woman God has wanted me to be all along! My sister sent me your blog and i will forever be grateful to her and you! You saved my life and my marriage!!! Thanks again! 🙂

    1. Mahalo64,

      What an honor to meet you and THANK YOU, GOD!!!!!!!!!! This is a huge answer to my prayers that GOd might speak through me to wives and set them free from all that ensnares them, that they might become the women of GOd’s dreams. I hope you will let me know how you are doing. I am always glad to hear from you, talk with you and pray with you! I wish I could hug your neck!!!!!!!!!

      Much love, my precious sister in Christ!

  7. Thank you God for directing me to this blog today. My heArt knows that only God can fill these holes, but i have been putting my husband up as an idol and expecting him to fulfill me in all areas, and instead be filled with disappointment when he “proves” he is only human. I thank God for my husband who works hard for our family, who is a wonderful father and tries hard to meet my needs, even those that are beyond his power. I pray today that God will again become Lord of my life and please God forgive me for my sin against You.

    Peaceful wife-I would be thankful and honored for you to pray with me to focus on God and keep Christ at the center so that all else will fall into place. I pray for God’s will in my marriage & my life ! I pray that God will direct me to the sin in my life immediately each day, each moment. Thank you for this wonderful blog.

    1. Prayerful wife,
      I believe God brought you here. :). And with this humble, contrite, repentant, teachable spirit, I know God honors your prayer and He will change your heart completely!

      I lift up this wife to You. I pray that You might convict her of every sin, give her godly, not worldly, sorrow – the sorrow that leads to humility and true repentance, not depression and paralysis. Remove her fears. Empower her to tear out every idol. Let her die to self and live completely submitted to Christ – no matter the cost. Use her to bless her husband and family, Lord. I pray for Your will and Your greatest glory in her life and marriage and family!

      In the name and power of Christ,

  8. A great encouragement, thank you so much. I can carry on with the strength and help of Christ x

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