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The Beginning of a Wife’s Journey

Farmland Sunset

 From Peacefulwife:

I believe that wives need to hear other wives’ stories from every stage along this road of learning to be a godly wife, what it means to respect our husbands, what it means to biblically submit to our husbands, what it looks like in a variety of situations – and how God works through every baby step of the way. This will be a very long journey.  It is probably not going to be something that changes in a few days or a few weeks. Each wife’s story will be unique.  I believe this wife’s story may be something that many other wives can relate to.  I am REALLY EXCITED about what God is doing in her heart.  I believe that her willingness to allow God to change her, her focus on Christ, her humble attitude now that she has seen her sin, her willingness to repent and to obey God are going to open the flood gates of heaven in her life for God to change HER first.  We are praying together for her and for her husband and child and for God’s will for their future – that He might be greatly glorified in this family.  Please pray with this wife for God’s power and for His Spirit to accomplish His purposes and His will in this situation.

A HUGE thank you to this wife for giving me permission to share her story.

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I realize that the early years of our relationship were the best, not only because relationships are usually great in the beginning – but because that was when I acted like I needed/relied on him.  I was acting submissive then (without knowing), and I yielded to his leadership because I did not know how not to… I was going through a difficult time and he was my source of hope.

As time progressed, I got stronger (emotionally), and with the strength I got less submissive (this is what I am seeing in hindsight – at that time I did not even know what submissiveness was and how it affected relationships).  I love my husband and always felt loved by him throughout the years, even though we had problems over the years -constantly arguing, always disagreeing, not seeing eye-to-eye on anything, and most often and trouble-some – I felt that he put his family above me.

My in-laws and I ended up with many bad issues/arguments…and one day in the heat of an argument about them on the phone – with me hundreds of miles away,

My husband said we were over.

Life was never the same after that day.

I cleaved to God like I have never done before and I learned more about marriages/GOD in the first year of the stress than I knew in all my life before.

I eventually moved to this country, and have seen God work wonders in my life. My first 2 years here were the hardest…I was lonely, empty and drained. My husband still stayed nearby with family and I stayed with our child – he was always welcome to join us. He did not. (I now realize that my continued angry, disrespectful behavior would not have been welcoming even if he wanted to!)

Though my husband’s heart is locked shut to me — he sometimes visits (not often enough), he cooks for us, bake with me at Christmas time etc. — but he is still so far from me emotionally and his heart is in no way focused on God or on our marriage. He seems to have lost all desires to be my husband and our leader… and he still speaks of wanting a divorce (He does this whenever I argue with him and push him — of course after the “Love and Respect” book I won’t do that anymore).

When I “argued/pushed,” as stupid as it sounds, I had good intentions! I just wanted his eyes to see right from wrong. Oh, stupid me for trying to be Holy Ghost in his life! I now know that I am responsible for my actions only…I should do what God wants and He will bless me as He sees fit.

For years I have prayed/fasted for my marriage— and I saw nothing happening — but a few weeks ago after hearing of the Love and Respect Book on the Dave Ramsey show…I knew God was working all along!!!!!!!

It is like Karate Kid I watched as a teen. The boy wanted the man to teach him karate but every time he went for training the man would give him chores! Oh, how he wanted to not do the chores and just learn karate! However – in his wisdom, the karate expert was using all those chores to train him to fight! Remember that show??? God has revealed to me, that all these years, he has been putting the pieces of the puzzle together!!! I saw nothing in the flesh that looked like restoration, but oh, God has been weeding out the old things and planting new seeds! And it does not matter if he starts with me!

I was so focused on trying to love my husband when he was being uncommitted and unloving to me…..it took everything out of me. Then I had to learn to forgive…BUT OH, it was a HUUUUGE part of the puzzle when I noticed that my lack of respect — my lack of submitting to my husband was a MAJOR part of the puzzle. God has revealed to me that he taught me how to really love my husband, when loving him seemed impossible, because that is the foundation of everything! God is love!  I had to learn to forgive my husband.

God could have shown me the respect piece of the puzzle a long time ago…..but I was not ready for it! I found your site shortly after reading the book or shortly before I finished it….it was less than 2 weeks ago, but it feels like a lifetime!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, to God a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. One by one God has been teaching me the skills. Love (I mean Godly love), forgiveness and respect are just some of the “skills.” He has taught me so much more, I am just pointing out the major “moves.”

DISRESPECT was huge in my marriage. I would have never thought that before reading the book/reading your website….how blind and ignorant I was. 

I wanted my husband to love me so much (I am talking about even before he relocated), and when he was not loving me “the way I wanted him to,” I reacted disrespectfully – 

the vicious cycle destroyed my marriage.

My husband visited us last week, and when he left and we talked on the phone, I told him how happy we were to see him and how we love him. I recall him saying that he always knew there was love between us, but he could not live “like this” anymore. Just a week or so before the visit, he told me that he loves me, but was not “in love” with me. Despite the state of my marriage,

My husband has always said that he knew love existed, and I always wondered why that was not enough.

I finally know…love for me was everything, respect for him was everything.

I am hurt by not disheartened by my husband’s lack of “being in love,” with me…instead I rejoice that despite everything that has happened in our marriage, he can still say – he knows that he loves me. Whatever is good, I will think on!

Your site has been so helpful to me. I feel as if some of the things that are written were written out of my head!!!  I am guilty of always pushing my husband to “decide/answer/respond now.” I did not know that his ways were so different from mine and I did not respect the God made differences in my husband.

Yesterday, I called him and I apologized for my lack of respect over the years.

I told him how ignorant I was, how I was always confused by how if he said he loves me, he could not just want to be with me, and how I realize it was my disrespectful behavior that robbed him of his sense of commitment to us. I told him my heart’s sadness and how I finally see how I wounded his heart/feelings and I asked him to forgive me.

I did not mention anything he did wrong (and oh, there have been many! His actions/choices have been very hurtful to me).

He said, ok and that he understands what I am saying, and we ended amicably.

I asked nothing more of him, and I did not try to make him tell me how he felt about what I said. I learned that from your blog! One week ago, I would have asked him to respond, to tell me how he felt, to try to have a LOOOONG conversation. I made it short, and I was just happy that he allowed me to speak to him and that he said he understood “exactly” what I meant.

I believe that though my husband’s heart is hardened, that in time God will replace his heart of stone with a heart of flesh. I pray that God will restore the years the locusts have eaten from my marriage and that God will use my marriage to bring him Glory – to show that He is powerful and mighty. I do know that our son is watching me carefully and that he has been learning about the power of love/forgiveness and now respect. He has seen how God has worked in our lives and though he hurts from the broken marriage, he has also been blessed by seeing how God has been with us and provided for us and comforted us. He is such a good prayer partner to me, and I love how he loves his dad – despite how hurt he was at first (and I am sure he still is)

My number one heart’s desire is for my husband to come to know God and accept him as his personal Savior. I will give shouts of joy and songs of praise when that happens!!!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

When  I see a wife have an attitude of humility, brokenness, repentance and willingness to totally surrender to God and obey Him in everything – I know God is going to be moving mountains in that wife’s life.  I am SO EXCITED to see what God has in store for this precious sister of mine!  This is the spiritual place we have to start from.  Getting rid of all pride and all sin, seeking God with all our hearts, wanting to know Him more and to please Him no matter what the results might be.

RELATED:

How to See God Do Big Things in Your Marriage  7 minute Youtube Video

How to Apologize for Disrespecting and Controlling Your Husband 7 and a half minute Youtube Video

My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect 6 minute Youtube Video

What Speaks Respect to Husbands in Marriage

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

Love, Honor, Respect and Submission are Gifts 

What is Biblical Submission

Biblical Submission Does Not = The Husband is Always Right

I Have Hurt My Husband Deeply, Now What?

16 thoughts on “The Beginning of a Wife’s Journey

  1. Good morning, April. I was trying to post a comment but I forgot my wordpress password and now i’m a little short of time.

    Please let that wife know I will be praying for her. I have no doubt, she will have days or nights where her heart will cry out for faster results… and even moments she will question if she should even hang in there for her husband. But the fact that the Lord has softened HER heart, it means she is on the right path. I am excited to hear more about what God is doing in her, her son’s and her husband’s life because GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS and He will restore!

    When I first heard this song from Chris August, tears started streaming down my face!!! This is how God restores marriages. <3
    http://youtu.be/ECGZz5ScfL8

    So very thankful of your blog. God is doing awesome things through your little corner of South Carolina!!! 🙂

    Have a great day,
    Marie

    1. Thank you, Marie!

      I definitely see that she is on the right path. I get so excited when I see a woman ready to surrender to God and trust Him and obey Him – it is always the first step towards God doing miracles in her own heart.

      I, too, love this song by Chris August, “Restore!” It makes me cry!!!

      Thank you for the encouragement for this precious wife and sister in Christ. 🙂

  2. THAT was/is an amazing story! Kudos to this wife for doing the hard HARD work of growing with God and allowing God to work in her husband. Blessings to you sister 🙂

    1. I heard from this precious wife today – I hope hope hope she lets me share all the amazing things God has been doing lately! IT IS MIND BLOWING! 🙂 THANK YOU, GOD! YOU ARE SO VERY ABLE and SO VERY GOOD.

  3. I’ll be praying for you and your family anonymous wife. God can do some much good in our lives when we finally lay ourselves down at His feet. It sometimes takes a lot of heart surgery to get us where we need to be for Him to grow us into something lovely. I’m still on the surgery table myself 🙂

  4. This story brought me to tears. It made me feel like my struggles are so small. But perhaps it is just that I was able to stumble upon your blog early in my marriage. This easily could have become me. However sad it may seem, it is great to be able to share these experiences with one another here, safely, and know, we aren’t alone. I wonder, how did we get here? Why are we (women) so different from men anyway? What is the meaning of these struggles I wonder? These will be the questions in my prayers tonight. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Jessica,

      It is great to hear from you!

      These are the important questions in marriage.

      God designed us to be very different – for His good purposes. Our culture has given us a bunch of twisted lies about what femininity, masculinity and marriage are supposed to be. We have unknowingly been drinking poison – and it is destroying our marriages. God’s design for marriage works. He has wisdom – and we do not! The meaning of the struggles is to point us to our desperate need for Christ. Marriage is to represent the relationship between Christ and the church with the husband representing Christ and the wife representing the church to the world – and to our children, (Eph.5:22-33).

      God will use the differences in men and women in marriage to drive us to Himself and to refine us, exposing our sin, and making us more mature and holy and fruitful for His kingdom. 🙂

  5. Dear Sister in Christ, you are inspiring. I will pray for you and your family. I ordered the book Respect and Love. Thank you for sharing. May our beloved Lord God watch over and bless you and give you wisdom and peace.
    love, Joy

  6. Hi April 🙂
    I have been back and forth on this journey for over a year now. When God led me to your blog, I finally found that I truly understood what submission meant…and how to do it! I had tried so many times before, but my husband had not really understood what I was doing, nor understood what his role was in our family. I feel like we both finally “get it”. 🙂

    I think my biggest issue now is that I feel like I have SO MUCH TIME. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom of four ages 9,6,4,and 3. I get to spend all my days with my children, which has been my dream since I was a little girl.

    I am a good multi-tasker and an “efficiency geek, so to speak, so all this (we have been together 13 years) time I was able to try to control my husband, as well as educate and care for our children and our home. I have seen wonderful changes in my husband, just in this short time of us “getting it”, and I praise the Lord that we finally do!

    So this afternoon, our studies are finished, the house is clean, the kids want time to themselves to play, and I am sitting here alone. I have read “the surrendered wife”, which gave me great ideas of how to spend my time. But, today, I feel like there is just too much time.

    Did you or any other women ever feel this way? And what did you do to help yourself?

    Thanks so much!

    1. Apiano,

      I do understand!!!! The first 2-3 years, I filled hours per day reading, praying and studying.

      Once you start to have a handle on things and find you have too much free time – I think it is a great idea to prayerfully consider ministering to other wives who are earlier in this journey. Of course, check in with your husband first. But – God calls the older wives to mentor the younger.

      I personally started a blog – and then one for single women. Now that takes care of the extra time on my hands – but more importantly- God pours through me into other wives’ lives and I get to see Him do miracles!!!! 🙂

      Maybe there is some ministry God may have for you?

      Praying for His wisdom!!! And His glory!!

      I am thrilled about all He has done in and through you so far and I can’t wait to see all that He has in store!

      Much love,
      April

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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