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The Respect Dare, Day 38 – Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage

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You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God. I Peter 2:2-3 MSG

Today, Nina Roesner – author of The Respect Dare – talks about how God truly knows best for us and is kind to us. When He gives us guidelines or commands – it is for our ultimate good. Even if we can’t see it at the time.

Let’s get ready to really trust Him – in EVERYTHING.

The topic for Dare 38 is about wives initiating physical intimacy more with our husbands.

  • If you are dealing with infidelity, this post is not about that kind of situation, please seek godly help!  Trust must be re-established before sexual relations can be re-established, in my view.  And it would be wise to be tested for STDs if there is or was infidelity going on in the marriage.  Keep in mind that HIV doesn’t show up until 6 months after the sexual contact that could cause the infection.
  • If you have SERIOUS problems in your marriage – physical abuse, active drug/alcohol addictions, uncontrolled mental health problems… those things go beyond the scope of this blog or this post.  Please seek godly, experienced, professional help ASAP!
  • For the sake of wives who need very practical suggestions and examples, I am going to go into some detail – more than usual – about things to avoid saying and things that may be productive to say.  If you prefer not to read about details on this topic, this may be a post to skip.

While I am very passionate about this topic – I also cringe inside – because I know that there are many of you who DO initiate – or try to initiate love making with your husband – and you are rejected often. The last thing I want to do is make those of you who are being sexually rejected by your own husbands feel even worse. So, I am going to speak to you for a minute – and then redirect you to some other posts that I think might be helpful for you. You are NOT alone if your husband rejects your sexual advances. There is a very sizable minority of women for whom this is reality. It is extremely PAINFUL to desire your husband and to be turned away.  So, I am going to write two posts today.  One for wives who are being sexually rejected by their husbands, and one for wives whose husbands desire them to initiate more and participate in sexual intimacy more often.

FOR THOSE WIVES WHO ARE FEELING REJECTED:

If you have been trying to initiate intimacy with your husband, and he is turning you down, or just not very responsive, here are a few ideas to consider and pray about for your particular and unique situation

1. Many women try to initiate sex with their husbands verbally.

Here is a very important piece of information – men aren’t really into words as much as we are. Not only that, sometimes our words can actually be a turn-off  ESPECIALLY if we are not very tuned in to respect.

If you have been attempting to initiate intimacy by saying things like,

  • “I want to have sex now.”
  • “Let’s have sex.”
  • “We need to have sex!”
  • “When are we ever going to make love again?”
  • “Goodness, it’s been TWO WEEKS!  How long do I have to wait?”

Words like that are not the way to get your husband’s blood pumping.  Flirty words or telling him what you want to do with him may work with some husbands. But a verbal demand for sex, especially if your man tends to reject you,  is WAY too much pressure and feels controlling to many men.

There are some men who don’t like for their wives to pursue them.   They like to be the one to pursue.

2.  Even worse, sometimes wives try to initiate sex by saying disrespectful, blaming things.

  • “Why won’t you ever have sex with me?”
  • “Turn off the stupid TV, I want you to make love to me.”
  • “If you were a real man, you would want to have sex with me X times a week.”
  • “You must be cheating on me if you don’t want to have sex with me!”

These approaches are a sure ticket to his refusing you today, and probably many times in the future.

Disrespect is a HUGE sexual turnoff for many men!

3. Or, if you are being controlling about it and trying to force or guilt him into making love with you – it is probably not going to work – particularly if your husband is feeling very disrespected and controlled in general in the marriage.

So, approaches like…

  • “This book says that men want sex more than women. You hardly ever want sex. Something must be wrong with you! You need to see a doctor or something because I am dying over here.”
  • “I need to have sex 4 times a week. You aren’t holding up your end of the bargain. What am I not good enough for you? Am I not enough for you? You think I’m too fat, don’t you? That’s it! That’s why you never want me anymore. You don’t love me at all!”
  • “I need sex and you aren’t giving it to me. What kind of man are you? Any other man would be GLAD to have me.”
  • “I should have never married you, you are terrible in bed. And you never do X, Y and Z for me like I want.”
  • “If you really loved me, you would want to have sex with me right now.  You better show me that you truly love me or it’s over!”
  • “After ALL I’ve done for you this week/month/year!  You won’t even make love to me!”

…are NOT going to work!

You can’t label your husband the bad guy and expect him to be full of wonderful sexual feelings for you.

You can’t try to manipulate and guilt and shame him into physical intimacy.  This is not only going to make it improbable that you would be able to be intimate that night, but you may hurt and wound him so much that he permanently shuts down sexually with you.

 

2. If you have been critical of your man’s sexual performance lately (or even a long time ago, depending on the severity of his wounds) – he will probably reject you.

That is a very deep pain for a man, a verbal emasculation. It will take time for him to heal and feel safe enough to trust you.

Sexual criticism of him HAS TO GO.

If you have been disparaging in the past – only say positive things about any affection or touching he gives you from this point on. Try to heal the damage that has been done by your words.

If your man feels you disrespect his sexuality, or you imply he doesn’t satisfy you or that he is inadequate sexually – expect him to shut down on you sexually. There is almost nothing more destructive to a husband’s sexual desire for his wife than her complaints or disrespect of his sexuality. I cannot possibly emphasize this enough!

Make sure that you are respecting your husband and not inadvertently treating him with disrespect. Disrespect is a huge turn off for many men. Check out these posts if you haven’t because many times wives come across disrespectfully towards their husbands without ever knowing it or intending to.

3. I would suggest attempting to initiate WITHOUT words if you are going to try anything.

  • If your husband is very visual – lingerie may be a great idea
  • But, if your husband feels pressured by you when you wear lingerie, then skip that and just wear short shorts and a tight t-shirt or something fairly casual. Let him get a glimpse of you changing but be non-chalant about it. It has got to be no-pressure if you have a man who resists if he feels pressured sexually.
  • Offer him a massage if he likes that. Go slowly. See if he is interested in more touching after the massage.
  • Spoon up to him and press yourself against him and just relax and inhale his masculine presence and enjoy touching him if he is ok with that.
  • Kiss him passionately.
  • Hug him passionately.
  • If your husband likes to flirt, flirting with him is a good idea. If he hates it, don’t do that!

Some husbands will feel too pressured even by the things I have mentioned in this section.  In that case, you may have to back away and wait and be receptive for him to come to you.

4. Whatever you do – if he tends to reject your advances – be prepared that he may reject you and be prepared to take “no” gracefully.

Assume it is not personal, unless he tells you it is, just assume the best – that he is not up for intimacy right then. Then be available and receptive to him if he begins to come closer to you. Take your pain to Jesus and pray for His will.

I have a story one wife shared about her husband who prayed for her as his wife for 9 years for her to have a sexual desire for him. She had almost no desire at all that whole time. He prayed in faith. One day, God changed his wife. Now she is the one initiating all the time. The prayer of someone who is in right standing with God is powerful and effective. This is an AWESOME subject to pray about for God’s glory and for the unity and strength and health of the marriage.

Some other related posts:

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection

Making the One-Flesh Relationship a Huge Priority in Your Marriage

Respect and Sexual Attraction

SHARE:

If you have experienced sexual rejection from your husband – and God has brought healing and you would like to share what God has done with other wives, you may leave a comment anonymously.

FOR THOSE WIVES WHO HAVE NOT BEEN INITIATING BUT WHOSE HUSBANDS REALLY WANT THEM TO:

I know that there are a myriad of issues that can be going on with this side of the coin, as well. Some of you are afraid to trust your husband. Some of you feel like a piece of meat to your man. Some of you don’t feel emotionally/spiritually connected and feel cheap and used when you have sex without the rest of the connection going on.  (Remember, if there are SERIOUS issues like drug addiction, alcoholism, infidelity, uncontrolled mental health issues… please get help ASAP!  I am not speaking to wives in these extreme situations in this post.)

Quoting Nina Roesner here:

“Initiating sex communicates respect in a unique and special way to our husbands. When our husbands feel desired by us, their esteem is built, thus enabling them to fully and confidently engage in their roles as men.”

For a much deeper understanding of just how critical our sexual desire, availability, receptivity and willingness to initiate sex can be to our men, check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, “For Women Only.” It will help you really get inside the minds of men to see that:

For our husbands, sex IS a very emotional and spiritual connection.  It is FAR MORE than a physical release or physical connection.

I’d like to see it be a very emotional, spiritual and physical connection for all of us in our marriages, too!

For them, it empowers them to be confident in every aspect of their lives – ready to go “slay the dragons” for you. It makes them feel like our heroes. It gives them strength and energy in ways that we may not be able to fully understand. And in marriage, sex bonds them to us in a powerful way. It is possibly the ultimate way that we can allow our men to feel our love, acceptance and respect – it is how they most feel loved for many men.

Here is an important note –

For your husband, it is not just about having sex – it is knowing you desire him and experience pleasure with him that is key here! He desires you to enjoy him sexually, not just tolerate him as a chore or duty. He needs to know you are excited to be with him.

SIDE NOTE:

This is a picture of what God desires with us in our one Spirit relationship with Him!  He wants us to be EXCITED to be with Him, to be passionate for His Spirit to fill us up.  He wants our hearts to be completely captivated with Him – not just worshipping Him and praying out of duty.  NO!  He wants our hearts to be on fire with longing for Him – to be One with Him in Spirit.

That is what sex is!  It is a picture of the unity Christ desires to have with His church.  The one flesh picture between the husband (who represents Christ) and the wife (who represents the church) is ALL ABOUT us worshipping God, inviting His Spirit to live in our hearts and in our bodies.  We become the temple of God’s Spirit.  Much like the wife, temporarily houses part of her husband’s body in the one flesh relationship.

This is a sacred and holy act.

WHAT ON EARTH DO I DO?

Well, you can see a few ideas in the section above for wives who are feeling rejected. There are some basic do’s and don’ts there that may be helpful. But if your husband is feeling sexually starved for you, or he is asking or begging you to initiate. It’s time to just jump in! ASAP!

  • If he likes lingerie, wear some special lingerie and maybe let him get a little peek in private before you go out for the evening.
  • ENJOY his attention.  Be THANKFUL for the fact that he desires you.  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING AND GIFT!  Many wives never experience that joy.
  • Send him sexy text messages (IF he won’t get in trouble at work and won’t be too distracted and IF you are REALLY, REALLY sure that you are texting the right person! Careful here, ladies!)
  • Flirt with him if he enjoys that!
  • Ask him to slow dance with you (if that doesn’t embarrass him).
  • Boldly take him by the hand and take him to the bedroom and lock the door.  Begin to undress him.
  • Start with a massage. Use oil if you want to. (Put a towel down on the bedding first!) Just enjoy touching him.
  • Kiss him with passion and genuine desire.
  • Tell him what you want to do with him.
  • Tell him what he does to you – how he makes you feel – this makes him feel so powerful! ie:
  1. you give me chills when you touch me here!!
  2. you make my heart race when you do that!
  3. that feels so good!
  4. I really like that!
  5. mmmmm
  6. please don’t stop!
  7. your hands feel so warm, you just make me melt.
  8. I like it when you hold me close like this.
  • SMILE at him a lot!
  • Be verbal about saying when things feel good.
  • Savor this gift that God has given you to be able to enjoy this holy and sacred moment of being one flesh together!
  • HAVE FUN!!!! ENJOY HIM!!!!!!
  • Talk about what first attracted you to him.
  • Talk about what you find attractive in him now.
  • Ask him what attracted him to you.
  • Tell him any little fantasies you have.
  • Ask him about any fantasies he has and what he might like for you to do with him/for him.

Ok, hopefully these ideas will get you started. A big key is for you to:

Focus on sensual thoughts and ideas about what you want to do with him all throughout the day. Using your imagination often to purposely think about sex and about how intoxicating your husband is to you helps get your motor primed and simmering so it will be easier be “on” later.

THE RESPECT DARE, DARE 38:

Pray that God will help you overcome any embarrassment, fear, concerns, medical issues, anxiety, privacy issues, body image issues and that God might help you embrace the idea of initiating physical intimacy with your husband. Be confident in your body. Stand tall. Enjoy this gift God has given you to share with your husband.  Pray for healing of any past issues or wounds. Pray that God might tear down any strongholds of resentment or bitterness in your heart or unforgiveness. Pray for Him to help you take your physical intimacy with your husband to new heights. Pray for the resources you need if you have physical issues or emotional issues – that you might begin to take steps this week to seek how to overcome those issues.

  • I’d like to dare you to plan to attempt to initiate intimacy 2 times (or more) this week if at all possible.

AND,

  • I would also like to dare you to have a willing and receptive spirit towards your husband sexually this week. If at all possible, if he attempts to initiate intimacy, please warmly receive him with joy and delight. (Unless he is actively involved in infidelity or there are extremely serious issues going on) Please think about the verses in I Corinthians 7

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt youbecause of your lack of self-control.

So, if your husband asks about having sex or pulls you in close  or even if he grabs you in a way that doesn’t seem super romantic to you – melt in his arms and say, “yes!” with a smile on your face.

Eventually – pray about this becoming a life-long habit. 🙂

***  God does not endorse spousal rape.  He desires husbands and wives to be available to each other willingly and voluntarily.  There is nothing in Scripture about demanding or forcing a spouse to have sex.  Christ is a gentleman to us.  He desires us to be one with Him in Spirit every day, but He does not force Himself on us.  He waits for us to come willingly and voluntarily to Him to have spiritual intimacy with Him.

47 thoughts on “The Respect Dare, Day 38 – Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage

  1. “For our husbands, sex IS a very emotional and spiritual connection. It is FAR MORE than a physical release or physical connection.”

    THANK YOU!!!! I’m glad some women get it! There is no bigger turn off than a woman that thinks men are just empty sex machines. Sex has deep spiritual and emotional significance to most men and that is why many guys run when they experience it. They are trying to avoid the inevitable.

    1. Joseph,

      This is REALLY helpful and insightful. It actually explains a lot – I had never really pieced that together. That the intensity of the emotional/spiritual connection could be what causes a man to run – i.e.: in “casual sex.” That makes sense to me. Thank you.

    2. I feel rejected in this sense…
      My husband seems to have become “lazy” in bed, I don’t know how else to put it because I don’t want to say selfish, but seems he is less concerned if I am satisfied these days… it’s been a thing for a little while so I haven’t mentioned it to him, just hoped it would get better, well he was at work a very long day didn’t get home till almost 1am, left at 9am, and I was thinking of him all day. Well as soon as he gets home he cuddles up with me and I think it is going some where, well then he asks for something..(Something only pleasing to him, I am not sure if you want TMI..) well it used to be pleasing to me to because I am a very giving partner and love to see my husband satisfied, but that is really the only way he initiates sex anymore, is asking for that. He loves it but I mean I am getting bored, I would like to be kissed passionately and touched all over and have him initiate in that way but he doesnt take the time for MY body anymore. After him being pleased I think he could tell I didn’t want to cuddle back, and wasn’t responding much so he asked are you ok baby? I said yeah! And fell asleep, uhh. Because I can not tell him I feel dissatisfied in bed, it will make him embarrassed and I feel he would push away more. I know my respect hasn’t been that great lately. I wonder if it was if he would feel a need to please me again? I don’t feel I can talk to him about this bc I don’t want to hurt him or pressure him into Something he doesn’t want to do, so Can I pray about this? Or is this some thing I need to communicate to my husband ? Its been almost a 8 months since I have felt he’s truly tried or cared to satisfy me…

      1. UNO,
        I can appreciate you not wanting to hurt your husband. That is great! But, I do wonder if you could ask for what you would like, too? Asking for what you want Ina pleasant, friendly, flirty, fun, non-pressuring way is good. He can’t read your mind. Maybe he doesn’t know what you would like?

        Much love!!!

        1. I think he knows because we used to talk about it, he used to be very into pleasing me, we would take baths and just talk about it and he was very responsive, and would try the things I told him in bed, now he never does.. that’s how I know somethings been different and because I know he can, that’s why it hurts me 🙁 because I would never want to displease him, that’s why I work hard to keep that part good for him. But he’s not returning the favor, I will try to pray about it a few days or weeks and if nothing changes I will try to bring it up in a pleasant way. I have gave little cute hints here and there. he doesn’t catch them, well he does but doesn’t do anything about it.
          very frusterating 🙁

          1. UNO,
            Is he super stressed at work? Is there tension in the marriage? Does he feel safe with you? Is he feeling respected? Does he have tension or stress in his family? Or has he been sick or exhausted?

            Sending you a big hug, my friend!!

          2. April,
            You are the sweetest. You truly care about each of us, huh?
            Spoke to hubby in a respectful joyful way. He’s been a little stressed at new job. I’ve been a little less respectful lately; but he was more than responsive and wanted to make it up to me last night. I’m feeling so loved and satisfied by him. So thankful for your constant encouragement.

          3. U.N.O.,

            WOOHOO!!! I am so excited that things went better and that he wanted to make things up to you! 🙂 I hope you will write this down and rehearse the memory of his love for you often. 🙂

            Yes! I absolutely do care very much about each of you. Y’all are precious to me!

  2. I just wanted to say thank you. I read this post today and really learned something. Though I don’t mean to be, I have been very disrespectful toward my husband lately. I didn’t realize that was one of the reasons he withdrawled sexually. Sex has become more and more seldom and I am the only one who ever initiates anymore, usually trying to guilt him into it by telling him it’s been over 2 weeks…and so on. We are a young couple and just passed our “honeymoon” stage so I didn’t think a sluggish sex life was normal. Anyways, after reading this today I sent him a text at work teling him I was sorry for being disrespectful lately and then talked him up saying how wonderful he was. I also told him that what he says is important (because he says I don’t listen to him). He texted me and asked if I wanted to have sex as soon as I got home from work. I was floored! It worked that fast! I will definitely be more careful about what I say and do so that I am more respectful. It really hurts our relationship when I’m not and I know that now. So thank you!

    1. Anonymous,

      I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
      Thank you SO MUCH for sharing!

      I hope you will let me anonymously share this on my FB or in a post on the blog.

      What a blessing and huge answer to prayer! 🙂

  3. I think that this is a great post. I also wanted to add too that when your husband rejects your sexual advances it can also be because of undisclosed sin (ie. pornography, adultery, etc). I am not saying that this is always the case as the other reasons you mentioned are definitely a possibility as well.

  4. Its a wonderful work, u really are inspired to touch this most sensitive confidential aspect of marital life. My husband is tired of always being the initiator of sex and sometimes will go mute saying if am ready and needs him let him know. I have neva initiated for 5yrs now and this makes him feel uncomfortable n not satisfyin me. But afta readin this i’ve changed n he became surprised n asked whats happening. Kudos 2 u and d Holy Spirit dat gave u d inspiration.

  5. Thank you Respectful wife for your blog but I have a question!.. I try as much as I can to be submissive to my husband.. sexually, in spirit, and I work hard to make our home agreeable…

    My question is: what if your husband always seems “too tired” to please you sexually? You know what I mean… often he makes me work hard to get him “there” but then falls asleep.. this happens so often that I get so discouraged! that I begin to loose faith in our marriage.

    Can you please help me as to what does this mean? maybe he is not ready to commit his soul to me? he does not love me? He is very attentive in general and treats me with a lot of respect, however this is the one point where he stumbles…

    I’m facing such a difficult situation, I don’t know what to do about this. We are a really long time together and we have build a life together. He says he loves me.

    P.S. Please reply in this post if you so wish, I won’t give you my email for privacy reasons.

    1. Nora,
      I have a post on “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage” you may want to check out.

      What time of day do you usually attempt intimacy?

      How many hours/week does your husband work?

      How much is he sleeping?

      I don’t know that this means anything about his love for you. I wonder if he isn’t just exhausted – that would be my first question.

      Unless you have factual evidence that he does not love you – I think this is just a matter of not understanding him and assuming evil motives that probably aren’t there.

      Does he take medications?

      Can you ask in a friendly way to get to “finish first” so that he will still be engaged?

      Does he initiate sex with you?

      What does he say he wants/needs?

      What do you say and how do you respond when you feel disappointed in him?

      Let’s hash through this together. 🙂

  6. This is interesting April, my husband doesnt like my shyness, I am a little shy, but i use to be into sex way more in the beginning of our marriage, HAVE I BECAME TOOO HOLY….in that particular mindset, I must admit God has cleansed me from some stuff but Ii think I have lost the margin of my sexuality and sensuality.

    1. Sharon,

      Check out David Platt’s 4 part series on Marriage, Family, Sex and the Gospel on Youtube. Great stuff!

      Praying for God to give you wisdom and for opportunities for you to bless your husband in this way.

      If you need to talk about things, I’m here!

  7. I am floored at how chock-full of grace, love, and Biblical truth this blog is. I am learning all the things I am doing wrong in my relationship with God and my marriage. I have only been married a short time but it is never too early to build a strong, lasting relationship. I have decided to rededicate myself to Jesus and to biblically submit to my husband. Please accept my sincerest thanks for taking the time to share all of this wonderful information. Please don’t ever stop! I just can’t get enough, thank you so much.

    1. Theresa,
      It is wonderful to meet you!
      Thank you for sharing that you have received such encouragement. What a huge answer to prayer that is for me. 🙂 I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you! 🙂 Please let me know how you are doing.

  8. I find myself in a bit of a rut here where I want to tell my wife about this site but then that thought keeps me from asking questions and looking for advice that she would read, thus eliminating a certain level of privacy that she enjoys. I am not anonymous. She has access to my email and knows my internet and email name too.

  9. I tried initiating sex with my husband tonight. We were just taking and i was telling him how thankful I am to be so attracted to him, how sexy I think he is when he does (blank) he laughed and thought it was cute and pulled me close.. I said we should have sex honey, I really want you right now, he was smirking a little and quite.. I said what babe? He said I’m just trying to think I said about what he said I am just really tired honey. I said oh ok. He said how about I make It up to you.. tomorrow after work, come home to me and I’ll make sweet love to you I said ok he said is that ok baby? I’m really sorry I said yes of course babe. . He pulled me close with his hand on my face and my forehead to his. And fell asleep. He is sweet but I can’t help but feel completely rejected and awful about myself. I was thinking sinful thoughts, even of withholding sex from him tomorrow because I feel so unwanted now.. and just weird. I know I won’t be into it tomorrow bc I feel like it’s pity? I feel like he is sinning, I have sex with him sometimes I’m tired, Idk I am so sad right now… please pray for me.

    1. Sara,

      My sweet girl!!!!!

      I know the pain of sexual rejection. It hurts so very much!!!

      But – it sounds to me like your husband was sincerely very tired, maybe he knew he didn’t have enough energy to really give himself to you the way he wanted to. I vote to take your hurt and pain to God and to ask Him to help you extend grace to your husband. Then, enjoy him tonight!

      Many wives have husbands who just reject them every time and never offer themselves. You are richly blessed to have a husband who wants to make this up to you. Focus on the good things about him today, don’t allow yourself to become bitter. Then enjoy that time tonight with him and show him how much you love being intimate with him. Your smile, affirmation, appreciation, kindness, understanding and acceptance of him as being human and imperfect will draw you to him. If you allow yourself to become bitter, resentful, hateful, angry, cold and hard, you can easily create a huge chasm and keep both of you from having what you both really want, intimacy with each other!

      How is your walk with Christ, my friend?

      1. It is good! It is great!! At the beginning of our marriage I struggled with respect but with God’s grace, His word, His sovereignty and your blog of course I have overcome it! I cried myself to sleep last night about the rejecting but took my pain to God and woke up today feeling refreshed and ready to show my husband love and grace and not hold this against him. Your response helped emensly, thank you!!

  10. Please help me.. how can i respectfully tell my husband i need more (Good) sex ? I am nervous for this talk i dont want it to have the opposite effect and him feel embarrassed and angry.. i dont feel he rejects me just no pursuit of me… and when we do it seems he is bored, bc i know i am. This is devastating to me and ive been putting it off but need to just have the talk, but dont know the words

    1. unknown,

      I can understand your hesitation to talk about this. Do you know if he is having medical issues, or if he just has a low drive? How long have you been married? How often are you having sex? Did either of you have sexual partners before marriage? Is there any addiction to pornography in the marriage? How often do you attempt to initiate sex?

      Do you know that he is bored? Or are you assuming he is bored?

      Is he super stressed or exhausted?

      I address some of these issues in this post.

      Much love to you!

  11. Well, my heart goes out to those people who are in marriages where one partner in oblivious to being oblivious. I have posted here before. I must say that for a pharmacist, you are full of wisdom. Your Christian faith comforts me when I come to this site. You and your husband look so friendly…I just like you both.
    I am at an end here. That end is a concept more than an action.
    My wife at 50 is still an incredibly beautiful and intelligent woman. Her long dark hair and slender body are better than most young women. I have no criticism for her body yet she desires to lose some weight so the toning workouts at home have begun. My marathon training and heavy lifting makes me the pro here, but at 30 years of marriage we have not had coital sex for 9 months due to untreated Vaginismus. I began a process to get away from internet soft porn in June 2014. I was highly successful through August, relapsed a bit and recommitted to absolutely no porn of any kind after October 2014. I have been a raging success so far! I did, however, blame my wife’s lack of sexual initiating to be a large contributor to my porn addiction.
    I have been battling unemployment for 5 years and was successful getting into grad school for psychology and getting a “welfare wage” for my Down syndrome child. My wife went to work as a social worker 3 years ago due to my unsuccessful job search. To this day she claims I am “doing the job search all wrong.” Her job has tainted her to be “more knowledgeable than me in raising kids and defusing arguments among them and us as parents.” There are 5 special needs kids among the 8 kids we have. All of the top 5 are over 18 now.
    My wife will not seek treatment for the Vaginismus. She claims that if I was working, she would have time. However, she spends more time on Facebook-Christian prayer groups than she does with me or making a 10 minute phone call to schedule an appointment. I have visited the web sites on treatments and she claims she has too, but is not willing to do anything. I am maintaining my vigilance to stay off porn and I am doing well in spite of the fact that she has no sex acts she is willing to do as an alternative, since coital sex is so painful.
    I have been trying to go to our room and just sit close to her to “be where she is” so we can be together, but I am competing with her Facebook Christian friends.
    I feel that her disrespect of me in so many ways, that I have not mentioned here, make me out to be “the unemployed dweeb no woman would want to be with-sexually.” I am avoiding her now. Not in an immature way. I just am not “chasing her.” Sooner or later she will scold me again and remind me “how unloving I am and that is why I do not get any sex.” The statement is benign since the “sex” is boring and she is unwilling for me to stimulate her either, even though I get a “high” off her climaxes.
    So, as they say, “couples who are not having sex are doomed.” I believe we are doomed, but she takes advantage of the fact that I have no real income and money is short these days and the mortgage is always late. I cannot leave if I wanted to, and I don’t.
    Our 30th anniversary trip planning is coming up. I refuse to plan anything unless she gets treatment. The sex over the years has been boring, just boring. In the past (before 2000) sex was electrifying! We often have arguments over the raising of our autistic 20 year old son who has gay problems. I am apparently “very mean and I am a poor father to not see this.” Her view of me is so disrespectful I am beside myself. My autistic son has a different opinion than hers.
    So, it is in the Lords hands. I cannot do anything. She is, in her words, “sick of hearing the word disrespect.” In the meantime, it has been 9 days since our last sexual encounter (which was somewhat painful for me, she is so bad at “other things”) and she could care less. The record was 16 days without a sexual encounter back in July.
    I am withdrawing voluntary affection to her. She can hug me or kiss me, but that’s it. I predict another lecture from her. She gets mad at me for most things. I am “in trouble” daily. I don’t want to seem vengeful, but she twists scripture to justify her disrespect saying I am unloving and therefore she can call out my violations and correct me in anything she sees fit! I told her she is in sin and she says I am in sin…ugh.
    I would love counseling but she will not commit the time. I can’t even get her to our autistic sons therapy.

  12. Hi..

    I read about the sex part…and my husband first off is an unsaved man..he at one point seemed to be a Christian but then is not anymore… He is a sex addict and I have a extremely low sex drive…first off sex is painful for me..and the only time it feels halfway tolerable is in one position and my husband wants to do a ton of positions but I can’t…and my husband doesn’t want to have a baby anyways so he prefers no sex and instead wants me to give him blowjobs like alooooot and wants to ejectulat in my mouth and on my face which is disgusting and degrading to me.

    And he curses and says things ppl say in porn to me..I told him no but he says that is the only way he really gets turned on..and I hate it…I’m not a porn star. But he knows I don’t want to do it often because I find anything sexual just horrible..maybe because he treats me like a porn star… And he has had me do stuff to him right after putting me down badly and other sexual things and I start to cry whole doing it and he says wats wrong then insists on still forcing a blow job on me so he can get off.

    He has watched porn all growing up he says he hastn in the past few months and looks at pics of me to masrerbate which he knows is sin and hurts me..but doesn’t care and continues to do it… I have offered blow jobs to him every other day and then he wants to do it non stop all the time…if I’m sick he wants it if I’m exhausted he wants it…if I’m crying and hurting he wants it and doesn’t care and gets angry with me and puts me down if I don’t and says that he is gonna madturvate…

    he also buys only sex stuff all the time…(edited out by Peacefulwife) .all he talks to me about is sex and sex always….never any normal conversation…I’m just tired of it… I am trying to be obedient and respectful but how can I when all he wants is for me to be a 24 /7 porn star with a disgusting mouth on her and to Always do disgusting degrading things always

    1. Heather,

      Goodness! This sounds like a very difficult situation. 🙁

      How long have y’all been married? Does he acknowledge that porn is sin?

      Have you ever reached out for help?

      Please check out http://www.xxxchurch.org for resources for you.

      What was your relationship like before marriage? Did y’all have any godly counseling?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister?

      Much love to you!

  13. So so helpful, thanks so much and I am loving the wealth of knowledge and Biblical insight on your site!! It is so helpful and refreshing!!

    1. Tracey,
      It’s wonderful to meet you! I’m so honored to get to walk with you on this road. May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory. 🙂

  14. Thank you for writing about this. I’ve felt alone in my demise for so long.
    The issue in my marriage is that my husband seems to have no interest in me. I feel more like a roommate then his wife. There is no intimacy between us anymore. I have to practically beg him to hug me and beg even harder to be kissed. Then when he does he rolls his eyes at me and grudgingly does it.
    When I try to flirt or touch or initiate sex he will just ask me for oral sex. And most of the time I’ll accommodate then he’ll roll over and go to sleep leaving me even more frustrated. Or when we finally do have sex there is no foreplay. It’s over before I even get warmed up.
    Anyway this has been going on for years. My biggest hurt right now is I discovered he’s been watching porn and taking matters into his own hands. (If you know what I mean)
    At first I thought he was having an affair and I was devestated. But this feels almost the same.
    I keep feeling it’s my fault because I have put on about 50 lbs in the 22 years that we’ve been together.
    How can I compete with these young girls on the screen? I can lose weight…..but that’s about it. My looks won’t change. And I’m not willing to do some of the things that he’s watching. I checked out the sites he’s been watching…it’s heartbreaking.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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