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The Respect Dare, Day 16 – A Sink Full of Dishes

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Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29

THE DISHES IN THE SINK

Unfortunately, I have a story to share about how I did NOT use words to bless and benefit and build up my husband.  Well, I have many stories, but I am going to share one that I definitely regret.  It is a good example of what NOT to do!

One day, I came home from working as a pharmacist for 10 hours around 7:15pm – it must have been about 12-13 years ago.   I walked into the house and smelled something wonderful wafting into the hallway from the kitchen.   Greg generously had cooked a big supper for us.  This was before we had any children.  I walked into the kitchen grateful that supper was ready.

Then I saw the sink.

It seemed like almost every pot and pan we owned was in the sink needing to be washed.

Greg proudly told me that he had supper ready.  And when he saw me look at the sink, he said happily, “And look, I rinsed off the dishes for you!”  He clearly believed he had done well and had been thoughtful.

I snapped at him sarcastically, “Yeah, that’s just GREAT!  You get a C+.  You didn’t finish the job.  I still have to wash all of those dishes and I still have to dry them.”

I knew that I would not leave dishes for him to wash, and I was angry that he didn’t wash the dishes the way I would have.  See – I was clearly “right” and he was clearly “wrong.”  That was how I looked at it then.

His face fell.

  • I can’t remember if I thanked him for making supper for me.
  • I definitely didn’t thank him for rinsing the dishes.
  • I didn’t ask politely if he would please also wash the dishes after supper.
  • I just fumed.

Eventually, Greg helped me a lot less around the house after I treated him with such negativity and criticism when he was helping me with chores.

 

TODAY:

Now, my husband is folding and sorting and putting away laundry as I type this post.  I didn’t ask him to.  He is just doing it all on his own.  I just thanked him enthusiastically for all his help.

If my husband does laundry, dishes, helps with the children, mows the lawn, works on my car, works on the house, kills a big roach or spider, brings me something from the flea market, makes supper, rinses the dishes, clears the table, takes me out to eat, cuddles with me -ANYTHING – I THANK HIM and SMILE!

  • I politely, pleasantly, respectfully ask for what I want and need.
  • I allow my husband to decide to say yes or no.
  • I don’t try to force him to do things my way.
  • I refrain from criticism.
  • I express appreciation when he does help me.
  • I accept no graciously.
  • I also understand that his time table is slower than mine many times, so I don’t rush him if he says he is going to do something.
  • I just trust him and wait patiently.
  • If he doesn’t do something – I don’t make a big deal out of it.
  • I seek to have a servant’s heart and serve and love and respect seeking to please Christ alone.

I let him do things his way and do not demand that he must do things my way

If I realize I did or said something disrespectful – I immediately apologize and do not justify myself or explain myself.  I just say, “Oh!  I am so sorry.  That was disrespectful of me.”  Then I try to start over again with a respectful attitude.

THE DARE:

– Let’s use our words to bless, thank, appreciate, encourage, lift up, build up and praise our men sincerely.

– Let’s focus on what is done well more than on the negatives.

– When we do mess up, let’s apologize quickly for our disrespect without justifying ourselves and get back up and keep going.

– From Nina Roesner in The Respect Dare, “Let’s refuse to find fault in (anyone)… the rest of the day.”

RELATED:

How to Ask Your Husband for Things So He Will Want to Say Yes – Youtube video 13 minutes (my son helped me on this one!)

Won’t I Lose My Voice in My Marriage if I Respect My Husband and Biblically Submit to Him?  Youtube video – 10 minutes

How to See God do BIG Things in Your Marriage – Youtube video 6 minutes

17 thoughts on “The Respect Dare, Day 16 – A Sink Full of Dishes

  1. Thank you for the reminder to have a thankful heart… it is so easy to fall into the pattern of ‘expectation’!

  2. God is always dealing with my “better then thou” self. We my husband’s family farm weekly (2 hour drive one way), especially now that our harvest is starting to come in (1/2 acre garden). We have multiple issues with our blended family, one of which is his 26 yr old (deliberately unemployed) son who still resides at the farm. I’m not a neat-freak, but was taught well that if one makes a mess, one cleans it.

    I have steamed repeatedly and have spoken very unkindly to my husband at times about the mess and the laziness of this free-loading son. For reasons that I won’t go into but that I understand, my husband has not asked him to leave. This past weekend, I realized that if it’s not important to my husband that his son cleans up after himself, it need not be important to me. I don’t have to get upset and I don’t have to clean up after him. In fact, it dawned on me that my husband doesn’t mind things not being neat all the time. My neatness issue is mine, however, I expect my sons (teens) to clean up after themselves. So, even though my preference is neatness, it doesn’t have to be a bone of contention between us. At the parsonage, I can enjoy a more tidy atmosphere. At the farm, I’m willing to let him have it the way he is comfortable. Praise God for helping us find peace when we seek it.

  3. I hear ya on this one… I’ve been picking up the house lately, make sure all the dishes and laundry is done, plus make sure our 5 yr old, and 2 yr old sons are in bed by the time my hubs gets home from work. He comes home around 10, which i have to leave for 10 to go to work on overnights. sometimes, i get mad, bc i get no thank you, but lately, im just like… Ill do it bc it’s my duties, if I dont et a thank you that’s alright with me. Im doing it because im pleasing God, and honoring him. God Gave us these Amazing Husbands, and we need to treat them with respect. keep ur heads up ladies.

  4. Well today I read the dare and thought piece of cake. I read my Bible. I got ready for work. I am basically a nice person. I know that I can use my tongue like a weapon at times but I rarely lose all of my self control. You can see what’s happening here. I am a pretty good person, unless you ask my husband, he doesn’t share the same view of me as most of the other people in my life. Anyway did I get an eye opener. As we are driving to work I start having negative thoughts about some situations and I am thinking how I am going to let some people know just how I feel about their actions. Then I remember the dare and I actually think to myself “oh, I can’t say anything today, I will have to deal with that tomorrow. What an eye opener. I’ve got some work to do. I think I will have to repeat this course when we finish up. I don’t really like my sin showing for all to see, but, I need to get it out of me in order to be truly rid of it, I can’t thank you enough April for your transparency. It is really making a difference in my life.

  5. I’m loving your daily challenges.
    What great reminders.
    Just when I think I’m doing well and my heart has been changed, I get comfortable, don’t pray, and in sneaks a bad habit. Namely, a bad attitude.
    I need these reminders!
    Thanks!

  6. So I spent today unsuccessfully attempting to only focus on the positive. Picked up a magazine and every picture on every page was totally designed to cut down the celebrities in it. Had to put it down. Watching tv and the show focused on all the negative qualities of the contestants. DH has decided to take action through the Aust Fairwork Ombudsman against his old employer. So challenging. This Dare has made me acutely aware of the negativity we all live in. And do you know what I noticed? Before the words come out, unwholesome talk is born in our hearts and attitudes.
    Lessons learned:
    – staying silent is good, having a wholesome heart is better
    – I’m seeing more and more good in my husband. Remembering how wonderful he really is. Actually thankful that his old employer has done wrong by him because I have the chance to encourage, support and uplift him during a hard time. Wow. I’m so thankful to God because there is change and hope happening.
    Much love Tam

    1. Tam,

      YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

      We are swimming in constant negativity, critical attitudes, put downs, disrespect, hatred, contempt, gossip, selfishness, pride… it is blasting us from everywhere.

      And you discovered the secret – it is a heart issue. That is what God wants to change. He wants our old self nailed to the cross and dead – and He wants to give us a new heart and new mind – a “new man in Christ.”

      You are EXACTLY right. Being silent is better than spewing all that nastiness. But if it is still in your heart and mind – that is still sin! And it is still a big problem. You can’t fake any of this stuff. It has to be a heart change.

      I am so excited about what God is doing in you! This is awesome!

      Thank you for sharing on your journey. I love it!

  7. This is day three of me attempting this dare. I know this post is a year old but I’m late to the party! I just wanted to comment on how this dare looks easy but has been my most difficult one yet. It says so much about how we are so inclined towards the negativity in our lives. Now, if this is a great struggle for us, why do we expect our husbands to be perfect in their behavior? Something to think about.

    1. Mrs. G.,

      So true! I had no idea how negative I was. I think if we had to see and hear ourselves on camera – we would be very shocked just how much negative energy we may send to our husbands without even realizing it.

      Yes, as we see that we ourselves are sinful, it is much easier to be thankful for the grace of Jesus and to extend His grace to our fellow sinners!

      Thank you so much for sharing!

  8. This one today wasn’t just about my husband it was also about how I deal with my children. My pray today is that I see every little good thing my children and husband do and thank them, use words of kindness, love, respect, goodness, faithfulness and most of all self control. Big challenge!

    We are in the middle of big marriage problems, (husband packed up his stuff the other night and left in our camper after working late nights and living on only 10hrs sleep in 48hrs. Then got up went to church and I started an argument with him! I went and found him prayed for him then got him to come home) we have also decided to sell our house and move into a motor home to free up our finances. We have just worked 2 months on painting fixing carpeting etc. Now people are coming through the house we need to keep it clean and tidy everyday,. My biggest challenge is my daughter can be very disrespectful towards me and my boys can be silly and not listen.

    How do I balance calmness, respect and kind words with, this needs to be done, done now as people are coming to view and done to a high standard because we have invested time and money into this.

    1. Adele,
      YES!!!! So much of this journey applies to our children and to all of our other relationships, too! I’m glad you are seeing this. 🙂 WOOHOO!

      Oh goodness. I am hopeful that he realizes after he has had more sleep that he doesn’t wan tot leave. I pray for God’s wisdom for you both. And that you might both be willing to move toward unity, respect, and godly love.

      Why does he want to leave? Does he want to stay separated? Or that was just a temporary thing? Would you like to talk about the argument you started?

      You may want to search the word “challenge” on my home page and check out

      – the tone of voice challenge
      – the smile challenge
      – a challenge for you, ladies (not to argue or complain)

      Also, you can search my Youtube channel, April Cassidy, for “Non-verbal Disrespect” and “Advanced Self-control.”

      So how many people are planning to be living in a motorhome and for how long?

      Are the children biologically yours and your husbands together? How old are the children?

      How is your time with God going?

      Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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