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Tone of Voice

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Sometimes, I think that it might be helpful if we seriously had to watch video footage of ourselves interacting with our husbands and children.  Well – it would be terrifying, for some – but it might help us really get a good look at how we come across to those we are supposed to love the most.

IF YOU ARE LIKE I WAS…

My tone of voice was often condescending, holier-than-thou, sarcastic, angry, disapproving, impatient, sharp and unpleasant when I would talk to my husband.

I didn’t really think about it.  I mean, I was aggravated with him a lot, and I knew I wasn’t making any effort to control my tone of voice.

GUESS WHAT?

Our words are a big part of disrespect, but our non-verbals are even bigger many times!

A hateful, aggravated, annoyed, irritable, impatient, harsh, angry, scolding tone of voice spells HUGE disrespect to our men.

THIS TAKES PRACTICE:

I had to VERY CONSCIOUSLY watch my tone of voice.  All the time.  I still do have to watch myself with my children.  I don’t have much trouble with tone of voice with Greg anymore.  I tend to want to raise my tone of voice when my children  haven’t obeyed me after a few times of me asking them to do something with a pleasant tone of voice.  So, what I do with them, is I try to either whisper or sing my words to them if the pleasant/respectful tone of voice doesn’t work.  There are times I lose my temper.  Then I apologize.  But we also work on them obeying on the first time Mama or Daddy asks them to do something – so they are not off the hook!

You may have to actually practice in front of a mirror to be able to speak with a pleasant tone of voice to your husband.  Or even better, try practicing as you record yourself so that you can listen to what you really sound like.

WHAT TO DO?

  • Consciously keep  your volume normal or softer than normal when you are getting angry or irritated.
  • Consciously watch the edge on the tone of your voice, and soften it, making it sound pleasant and friendly (unless you are sad or angry – then keep it more neutral, but don’t let that angry tone kick in.)
  • Try whispering when you want to scream.  IT WORKS!  Your man will hear you more clearly, and you won’t be losing your temper.
  • Smile when you are speaking to your husband whenever possible.
  • CAUTION – don’t sound like you are talking to a kindergardener either – that can come across as patronizing.

KEEP IN MIND

Your husband has wisdom, too.

Your way is not necessarily the only “right” way.

Seek God’s will HIGH above your own.

Pray for God to give your husband wisdom to lead you and your family.

Pray for God to teach you to be a joyful, cheerful, supportive, respectful, cooperative follower.

Praise your man whenever he does something well!

Here is my Youtube video on this topic!

Why Nonverbal Disrespect is So Hurtful to Our Husbands  7 minutes (tone of voice and facial expression)

ALSO –

Please check out Thomas’ comment on the comments section of this post  – VERY HELPFUL!

24 thoughts on “Tone of Voice

  1. Hi April, losing temper is good coz it shows power I think but like not always tho .. I do kinda most times not always but sometimes just so I can win..
    good post..enjoooyyyeeeeeed it
    X A

    1. Ccavanaugh,

      Check out the youtube link on the bottom, I have a video where I give a demonstration of tone of voice and facial expressions. I will have another post on a similar topic tomorrow along with another Youtbe video link.

      If you still want more detail, let me know!

  2. This is a good one! The way we say something is as important (sometimes more important) than what we say. Also, human communication is 75-90% non-verbal, which means our facial expressions, gestures and body language set the “tone” even when we are not using our voices.

    When working with couples, I often videotape the sessions so they can watch how they respond to each other. Even turning down the sound is effective, because it matters less what they are saying and more how they are saying it (body language, facial expressions). For example, you can watch a couple with no sound and tell if their conversation is filled with kindness, frustration, contempt, affection, etc. Turn the sound on and the tone of voice also reveals things (like if the body language says one thing but the tone of voice says something else).

    We rarely see ourselves as others do.

    1. Thomas,
      THAT IS AWESOME! I really think if people did video tape themselves – they would be shocked at what they are actually communicating.

      Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insights. I pray some couples might try this!

  3. I am so grateful for your Godly example and very needed teachings to us women on this particular topic….I so need to apply this in my life as I foolishly succumb to my bad temper too often…please pray for me…I really want to be a Godly women who loves, respects and honors her husband. Again thank you so much for your wonderful dedication to God’s work with these issues and significant teachings.

    1. Sammythebeautiful,

      You are more than welcome! Thank you for the comment. 🙂

      These are such important issues! They impact our ability to shine for Christ. I believe this must be a huge priority for Christian women – to allow God to regenerate our hearts and minds and purify us of our sinful attitudes that lead us to sinful speech that is so destructive to us and everyone around us.

      Lord
      I pray for Sammy – that You might empower her to see things from Your perspective. Let her have Your heart and mind! Cleanse her of every stronghold of the enemy and sin. Let her forgive anything she has against anyone and release all bitterness and resentment. Fill her with Your Spirit of power, love and self-control. Give her a new vocabulary full of praise and thanksgiving. Give her a new mind that focuses on the good – Phil 4:8. Remove the ugly tone of voice from her speech. Let her live in true humility and show affectionate love and friendliness to her husband and family.
      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

  4. This is a very important post. My husband tells me all the tome, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. So I’ve been trying to be conscious of my tone. I have recorded myself during and argument (I’m also working on not arguing) and felt awful. I have been extremely discouraged, though, because even when I am purposefully altering my tone to be pleasant and cheerful, yielding to his will, he says the same thing! So for a few days, I just said “poo it!”because I feel like he wants something that is ridiculously specific, and if he isn’t willing to tell me what it is, how can I achieve it?! Of course, that didn’t help either. I do understand, however, that I have spoken to him like this for years, so he isn’t going to respond when I fix the problem once or twice, it’s just hard when I need affirmations that I’m doing this correctly. : /

    1. God gives you the affirmation you need, think about how much better you feel after approaching things differently. I understand where you are coming from, I’m there now. I’ve been very disrespectful to my husband for over a year now and he still doesn’t know how to take me at times, due to my past reactions either verbally or facially. It’s a long journey, but with God involved all things are possible ! But I feel so much peace within myself now that I am obeying God’s commandment to be a respectful wife, there will be Good days and there will be Great days. Take one day at at time Patrice. May God Bless you and your Family.

  5. I *really* struggle with the tone of my voice when I’m upset, hurt, angry, or have been denied my way by certain people that I know have more authority over me. This is a huge area that needs improvement for me…thank you for writing this post, it has really helped me become aware of this sin of mine! I’ll go check out the video, too. 🙂

    -Michelle

    1. Michelle,

      This is one of the most difficult areas. It requires the power of the Holy Spirit, for sure. I’m glad this was a blessing to you. I think if we had to see ourselves on video, we would cringe at how harshly we come across sometimes.

      Much love to you!

    1. Shy,

      Sounds like a really important issue to pray about and ask for God’s help about!!! 🙂 Thank you for sharing. I know my tone was AWFUL when I started this journey, too.

  6. I have been disrespecting my husband with my tone, body language and facial expressions. You video was what I needed to hear and this comes right on time after my husband just said to me “what is your problem why are you being so mean and bi***%” and all I could say was I don’t know. And to be honest I don’t know why I am so aggravated with the man that I love and he is truly a good man. I am a Christian an Ordained Deacon and a follower of Christ. I love the Lord with my whole heart and mind and spirit and my actions of late are not pleasing to the Holy Spirit and not pleasing to the Farher. This article and the video made me weep but I needed to have the mirror placed in front of me. God bless you and thank you.

    1. Denise Brady,

      I think if we had to see ourselves on video, we would be shocked sometimes at our tone, body language, and facial expressions. It is hard to look at these things – but praise God that He doesn’t leave us in our sin but gently addresses it so that we can repent and allow Him to transform us to be more like Jesus! 🙂

      I am so excited about what God is doing and will do in your life!

  7. “A hateful, aggravated, annoyed, irritable, impatient, harsh, angry, scolding tone of voice spells HUGE disrespect to [wives] ”
    It goes both ways. It is sad but true how much husbands do this to wives.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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