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The Voice in His Head – From the Archives

by the Respected Husband

On Sunday, September 23rd, the Peacefulwife ran a guest post by Kayla Gulick titled My Demon. In the article, Kayla described how all of the voices in her head accuse her husband of the worst. This prompted a discussion between the Peacefulwife and me. She then asked me about whether a guy has similar voices in his head that paint a bad picture of his wife’s intentions.

FROM A HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

I told her that husbands do have a voice in their head, but it rarely talks about their wives. It is a voice telling them “You don’t have what it takes to do ……,” “You are a failure at …..,” “You are an inadequate husband, father, or son”, and “You are not good enough.” Now, I need to clarify that this voice isn’t on all of the time and usually confined to one topic at a time. This is very different from how the Peacefulwife has explained to me about women’s brains where you have an internal voice coming at you accusing your husband and justifying your disrespect and need for control almost constantly (when a wife is cherishing sin in her heart and is not filled with God’s Spirit).

Much to my surprise, after I had made that statement I turned to find the Peacefulwife with mouth agape, stunned, and fascinated with my response. Shortly, after a little water and some cool compresses on her forehead, she said, “Hmm…Satan’s strategy is to attack the God-given spiritual authority from two sides. The accuser fills the wife’s head with a barrage of ammunition against her husband about how he is not worthy of respect and how she is totally justified in her disrespect and contempt. AND the accuser fills the husband’s head with thoughts about how he is not worthy of respect and that his wife is absolutely right in her observation of his faults. The two accusing voices paralyze leadership in the marriage, in the church, in business, and in government.”

IS THIS NORMAL?

Not wanting to jump to conclusions too quickly, we wondered if this theory held up in other marriages. Understanding that a voice in my head just started saying, “Yeah….Sure, check this out…You will only find that you are different than other guys. Other guys are better than you and wouldn’t think like this at all.” So, the Peacefulwife posted the question on the Facebook page. Shortly, Kayla Gulick responded that she had just asked her husband the same question without giving him my response and he said THE SAME EXACT THING.

Another reader, a husband, responded, “I ditto your husband. We fight the fear that we may not be ‘up to the job’ almost every day. But we are men, so it is shameful to talk about it.”

A husband wants to hide any insecurities or faults that he thinks he has because he is afraid that his wife or family will not respect him.  He is afraid that he might lose any clout that he might have with his wife and family if he was to let a weakness be revealed.

Wow….So far so good with testing this theory. At church on Sunday evening, we asked the same question to several men to see if they responded in the same way. Their responses seemed to first indicate that maybe I do think like a man and secondly, and probably most importantly, that the idea of Satan attacking the spiritual authority of the marriage from both sides was probably true.

So I started searching for a way to describe what a man hears in his head and I came to the conclusion that the voice in his head is all about exposing his insecurities. I found the following quote from Jake Dudley, a 24 year old blogger, to be a really good description of how a man thinks.

And that’s all insecurity is – FEAR. Fear of things we have no control over in the first place. I know what it feels like. I’ve been faced with the doubt you experience when you are staring at a person of the opposite sex wanting soooo badly to tell them how you feel. But instead you stand there frozen from the insecurity of thinking they’ll NEVER like someone as ugly as I think I am. I’ve stood at the crossroads of a major life decision thinking that no matter which I choose I will fail, so instead I turn into a little boy and run away from all possibilities. I’ve ended things and started things and ignored people and ran away from opportunities all because somewhere along the way I believed my self-inflicted insecurities defined who I was as a man.

But here’s the thing: insecurity has NOTHING to do with who I actually am as person. Instead, it has EVERYTHING to do with who I’m terrified of becoming if I take a risk. I usually think I’ll fail. I usually think I’m not good enough. I usually think girls think I’m ugly. I usually think my time has run out. I usually think and think and think my way into a pity party of self-loathing and doubt that I forget that I was created in the image of an extraordinary God.

One Man’s Insecurities by Jake Dudley, www.corycopeland.net

A WIFE’S ROLE

A guy is always going to have insecurities and feel inadequate to fulfill his role as a husband and father. How can a wife work to control the demons that are not only speaking to her but her husband as well?  Your husband needs your respect, your trust, your belief in him, your admiration, and your affirmation. These are the confidence pills for the common insecurity. With a little boost of encouragement your husband can overcome and lead your marriage. I found the following quote from www.greatdatespot.com to be a great description of the role of a wife in handling his insecurities:

But here’s the thing- a man’s wife has a special place : she can truly build him up and quiet all other voices of insecurity -or- she can be the loudest voice of insecurity in the world. It’s a strange and magnificient power that you women yield. And it’s a power given by the source of security.

And while it may seem that these two oppose one another- they don’t. After all- a marriage is supposed to be mirror image of a person’s relationship with Jesus- so if it’s Jesus that a man’s security comes from- then it makes sense that a wife can wield similar power…if she chooses.

Ladies- you should understand- you have two choices here- to be the voice of encouragement and bolster your husband’s security or to be the voice of insecurity and rejection and crush your man (yes- you have that power). There is no third choice- if you choose to disengage and try to be in the middle- you are choosing the latter.

Ladies- your acceptance is not just vocal- though it is that. It’s not just sex, though it is that as well. It’s not respect, though it is that too. It’s all encompassing. Give him great compliments, give him great sex, give him great respect and you will see your husband be spurred on to become the man he was always meant to be. Think about it- the key to your husband becoming who he was meant to be- who you really want him to be – lies with you. Jesus could fully do it without you- but he chose to give you as a gift to your husband to speed it along. And I know, that seems like a tall order. That seems like a lot of weight on your shoulders. But it is your burden- or your joy- depending on how you look at it. Now that is your choice.

http://greatdatespot.com/2010/05/21/a-husbands-insecurity-from-10-things-men-wish-their-wives-knew-about-men/

Every wife wants her husband to be the moral authority for their family. Every husband wants his wife to be his biggest supporter, confidence booster, and encourager. When he can feel that he has your trust and appreciation it is like giving him a shot of energy.   That is why it is so easy for a man to literally become unplugged when he does not feel he is getting this support.  So what do you have if your husband is the moral authority of your family and you have the gift of energy he needs?

Moral + (e)nergy = Morale

Your marriage will have great morale. If my equation is correct the more of the energy you give him the greater the morale will be in your marriage. He will have the self confidence, self esteem, and drive to be the leader in your marriage and family.

But I know there are many who might say that, “My husband is definitely not the moral authority in our family and there is no way I can affirm him after what he has done.” Unfortunately, these husbands probably need the most support from their wives and yet their life yields very few opportunities for their wife to show praise and compliment thim. I think Priscilla Shirer addresses this pretty well in the following quote:

Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.

But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

Your Husband’s Two Biggest Fears, Priscilla Shirer

If we understand the destructive nature of the voices in our heads and that Satan’s plan is to attack our marriage and family we can start silencing the voices. I know when I feel that my wife is in full support with me about something the voice I hear is, “You can do this because she trusts and believes in you.” The Peacefulwife is very good at saying, “I am going to look out for the good in my husband and let God deal with his sins.”

Let’s build up the morale in our marriages starting now.

When a wife refuses to obey God’s commands by disrespecting her husband, she cooperates with Satan and becomes a megaphone that amplifies the accuser’s message to her husband.  But when a wife respects and follows her husband, she cooperates with God and becomes an amplifier for God’s voice and His will.  WOW!  This is POWERFUL stuff!  May we use our power for great good, ladies! – The Peacefulwife

25 thoughts on “The Voice in His Head – From the Archives

  1. Hey:) I am a new wife (nearly 5 months) and I love being my husband’s wife too. I soak up so much of God’s truth on the different areas of marriage in what you share with us on your blog. Considering that I got married at 38, I so feel the pressure of getting it right all the time, considering the seminars, weekends away I attended, speaking to more mature wives, reading, watching my friends’ marriages, speaking to newly weds, yet, I seem to beat myself up when I fail him. Sometimes I even go to the extent of thinking that my husband is being unreasonable with what he expects from me. As I write, I think we are both anxious to get it right and get it right now. In some sense this is good, but on the flipside this can be really bad. As it places demands on us which we cannot do or accomplish. I am greatful for a lot in our marriage: that we pray together, pray for each other, he can say that he loves me and is very expressive of how he feels (sometimes too expressive). I love him all the same. I know he needs all the assurance, re-affirmation, encouragement, no matter what! I love him dearly and I know that God has put us together. Stay blessed and thank you Peaceful wife!

  2. I do hide from my wife because it is wise. This of course, entails a lot of lying and a burdened conscience. From practice, Women cannot handle everything all at once. Everyman has to determine the strengths of their spouse and dish out the ‘dirties’ as she grows stronger over the course of the marriage. Women are inquisitive creatures, they crave to be trusted and promise never to let you down to the death…but their actions don’t display that evidence.
    Secondly, I do have negative thoughts about my wife too. But these arent just unjustified dark impulses. I get tired of disobedience, on-tap worship demands, lack of synchronicity..but to cap it all..lack of appreciation. There is progress but it’s slow. I tend to see it as ‘the burden everyman has to carry’ for their wives in obedience to Christ’s command to love them. This isn’t the perfect life by far! This isnt what i expected. To God be the glory, I guess.

    1. Truehusband,

      I have seen so many marriages like this – and it completely breaks my heart.

      I pray that God might give you the power of His Spirit to lovingly, tenderly, selflessly lead your wife towards Christ and towards obedience to His Word.

      Your godly leadership is greatly needed! It will not get better on its own.

      My husband NEVER mentioned to me my sin – my disrespect, my arrogance, my pride, my rebellion against God’s Word, my idolatry of self and of him. I don’t think he realized how deeply my sin went – all the way to the very core of my understanding of God, my lack of understanding of His sovereignty, my belief that I was sovereign over much of life myself, and my understanding of my identity.

      How I WISH now that my husband had lovingly, firmly, respectfully confronted me in my sin during those first 15 years of our marriage. He chose the easy route – going passive, thinking that was more peaceful. It was not. My sin just grew and deepened, and the destruction got worse and worse.

      If you haven’t seen my husband’s site, you may be interested to see what he has to say – http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com.

      I pray that you will be able to let go of any resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, lies, etc… and live in the power of Christ, being the man of God’s dreams, leading your precious family and standing in the gap for them – that God might be greatly glorified in your life and marriage. I pray for His divine wisdom and for Him to work in your wife’s heart to open her spiritual eyes and for conviction of every sin in this marriage, mourning over the sin, godly sorrow and true repentance. I pray that God might use you to free your wife from being held captive by the enemy’s lies.

      In the Name and power of Christ!
      Amen!

  3. WOW! ! ! This post is spot on. I never connected this issue to Satan’s strategy to neutralize men, gut the emotional integrity of a marriage and ultimately destroy a family. My wife’s attitude towards me expressed through her words, looks or general demeanor has a huge impact on my confidence and energy to fulfill my role as a husband and father. She can either spur me on to love and good deeds or shut me down and withdraw. Marriages are dynamic, not static.

    I appreciate this blog soooo much! ! ! This message and the challenge to Christian women to become the women that God created them to be has been absent. I cannot tell you how how many men I have mentored who have responded to the message of Promise Keepers are trying to love and lead their wives who are not getting any respect or honor in return. Many wives look at their husbands love and gentleness as a ticket to control and dominate them. As a result, many are disillusioned and end up more emasculated than before.

    1. Dave,
      Thank you for the comment and masculine perspective!
      Thank you also for the encouragement. Please pray that God will speak clearly through me – that I would do nothing but share His message and His truth and wisdom for His glory. Please pray that God will raise up many other women to share the work load in His church in our culture – that there might be godly mentoring wives to be examples and to teach the other wives God’s design, truth and wisdom.

      I pray that God might heal the marriages in His church – that His Name might be greatly exalted! If we cannot obey Him and honor Him in marriage – which is the very picture of the relationship between Christ and the church – we have nothing of value to offer to the world!

      1. My prayer is that the Lord will build a movement that will have the same impact on women as PK had on men. I pray that the Lord will continue working in and through you so that many marriages can become what the Lord created them to be. I pray that He will raise up thousands of husbands and wives who have supernatural marriages that can be models for others to emulate.

        Thanks for your ministry.

        1. Dave,
          That is my prayer, too!

          I pray God will use me any way He will to get His truth out to my sisters who are stumbling in darkness when they could be walking in God’s light.

  4. I’ve always wondered if the need by so many men to have a “man cave” is not just a result of having someplace to have for their hobbies/interests but a place to run to where they don’t have to face their failures, lack of leadership and or lack of support.

    1. Wayne,

      I think that may be true. It is difficult for a husband to stand firm in the face of repeated disrespect and a wife who will not cooperate with his leadership. Apart from being filled with God’s Spirit, most men either leave or fight for their honor in such situations.

      I also think men sometimes need time to get away so they can process their thoughts and emotions quietly when they are trying to solve problems.

      Thanks for the comment!

  5. Thank you so much for this timely and eye opening post! We live so often with expectations and assumptions; never realizing how wrong we really are. You have just blessed my day more than you know! Thank you.

    1. Reviver1,
      I always assumed my husband’s expectations and assumptions were exactly like my own. I thought we looked at life the same way. I thought we thought and processed information and emotions the same way.
      Nope!
      It is infinitely easier to give grace when we begin to truly understand the struggles that others face and the battles they have in their own minds.
      I’m so glad this was a blessing to you!

  6. Hi April, I really needed this encouraging reminder today. Some days I feel like I really get it and go through good strong periods and somedays I feel far away and lost. But I will keep striving to be the Godly wife that HE intends for me to be.

    Thanks again!

    1. Christine,

      I am so thankful for my husband’s willingness to share this post. It’s almost scary how much power we as wives have in our marriages. I pray we will cooperate with God and use our influence to give life, healing, hope, encouragement and blessing to our men!

  7. Hi, ive just recently started ‘following’ the peacefulwife’s blog, and this particular page (The Voice in His Head – From the Archives) is spot-on! I thank you so much for it…i am in my second marriage and we have four children between us, and it has been such a struggle at times being a ‘step-family’. My husband actually forwarded this website onto me (and he’s not a believer!) so recently i turned back to Jesus and asked God to take over and I totally ‘get -it’, i am treating my husband in a different way and if i feel myself getting upset or angry, i just say to God ‘please help me here, i’m not listening to my negative voices’…the more i let the small stuff go, the better it gets. Its only been a couple of weeks, but i am determind not to change back….Its a really long story…my husband does not believe in Jesus, but believes in God that is within himself) but the other night he thanked me for being undertanding with him and showing him his faults and lots of other nice stuff like that, and i said…it wasnt me, it was someone else….i said it is Jesus, and he said, well then i love him too…i’m not sure what that means for him, but it goes to show, that if you are nice and kind and forgiving and do not keep being moody and accusing and generally unhappy (despite feeling that it is not your fault!), your husbands will realise and over time begin to change, i really believe that i can’t do this without God, we can’t do it on our own (which is what i’ve been trying to do for years!). What i liked most about this post was :
    “Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego. AND: The Peacefulwife is very good at saying, “I am going to look out for the good in my husband and let God deal with his sins.”

    We had therapy 6 months ago, and its really helped, my husband has changed a lot and been through lots of personal anguish and had to face up to his behaviour, but i have been so hurt and confused in my head because of his lies and general behaviour that I hadnt wanted to forgive and forget so i wasnt moving on, and i was not dealing with my behavious, i thought i was fine! so we were not getting anywhere…someone has to make the change and women these days do not like the thought of being ‘submissive’ they think they should be in control, call the shots etc…i believe it is just a case of being more thoughtful, less selfish and consider your husband in everything…as it is early days for me, i have a long way to go and we have been though a lot but i do think that wives and turn things around, just by being nice as a start!!!

    Thank you so much, i feel like i am very much supported here. God bless.

    1. JuR,
      I am so excited about what God is doing in you and your husband! I pray your husband will come to faith in Christ as his Savior and Lord and find the abundant, eternal life only Jesus can offer!

      I’m really thrilled that you can now see that there were things in your own heart that were causing destruction in the marriage. It is so easy to look at our husbands’ faults and sins and demand that they change. It is HARD to look at ourselves. But that is where our power is in God! He can change us. Then He wants to partner with us to draw our husbands to us and to Himself.

      I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s prescription for women in your situation – your power is in your genuine faith and joy in Christ and your respectful behavior, not your words about God or sin or spiritual things. Your power is in putting your faith fully in Christ and His sovereignty over your life, knowing that He can use even this painful situation and even your husband’s sins and faults to make you more like Jesus and to bring Him great glory. Then you can’t lose! So there is nothing to fear. 🙂

      I am always glad to hear from you any time!
      You may also email me if you would like to.

      aprilc@sc.rr.com.

      Thank you so much for sharing what God is doing in your life!

      I also have a Youtube channel “April Cassidy” where you can watch videos about some important topics about godly marriage and faith in Christ. 🙂

  8. I think that what I’ve been doing is thanking my husband for being the man I want him to be/think he should be when he’s not being that man. I just wanted to build him up and thought maybe if I thanked him and built him up for something I want him to be, that maybe he would try harder to be it. I think the opposite is actually happening :/ I see him actually pulling away from God. Then again, I am too. I think I’m leaning on him too much to be my spiritual leader because I’m expecting HIM to motivate me to spend time with God. That would be nice, but I can’t expect him to be responsible for my personal relationship with God, right?

    1. rebecca,
      I would suggest thanking him for being the leader in the marriage and carrying that weight. But for the most part, thank him for things he actually is already doing. Praise him for the real good you see in him right now. Thank him for working and providing well for the family. Thank him for his love for you and the children. When he spends time with you, thank him for that. Thank him for taking care of the lawn or for disciplining the children if he does. Praise him for things he does. It may be too much pressure if you are thanking him for things he is not doing – that may be confusing.

      You are responsible for your own relationship with God. Yes, ideally, your husband would support your spiritual growth – but you are responsible to God for working out your own salvation between Him and you. 🙂

      I hope that helps!

  9. Echoing Dave’s comments, ” I love this post soooo much” is a true reflection of my affections towards this website. It is the only place I can come to seek the reassurance I need to keep on defending my rights when the problems start. I have since learned that this is good for her. Thanks April.

    1. Truehusband,
      I am glad you are encouraged.

      This may be a matter of semantics, but I like to think of the commands of God for husbands and wives more as responsibilities, duties and privileges rather than “rights”. A husband definitely has the weight of each decision and the accountability before God for all that he does – no matter if his wife is cooperative or not.

      I pray that God might give you His supernatural wisdom, love, patience, gentleness, humility and direction to lead your family in a way that brings great glory and honor to His Name.

  10. Amazing post and so helpful to hear it from a husband’s perspective. Thank you RespectedHusband! This really encouraged me to change the way I try to analyse HTB and to keep my love on. So powerful! What an honour to partner with God to build up our men. Thanks for sharing in such a clear and honest way. God bless your ministries and your marriage!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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