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The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage


I am not a therapist, a counselor, an expert or a pastor.  I’m just a wife and I am starting a discussion here. I do not claim to have all the answers. Here are some ideas to think about and prayerfully consider. If you have severe issues in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel!


I know that MANY of you are suffering in your marriage with the pain of sexual rejection.  The pain can be excruciating.  And many women think they are the only wives whose husbands refuse them.  Reading marriage books that constantly talk about how men want intimacy all the time just drives the knife deeper in your heart when your husband refuses you.  It can make you think that there is seriously something very wrong with you – and that every other husband on the planet desires his wife sexually but yours.  That is a lonely place to be.  This is something almost no one talks about and it  is not a topic that gets addressed much.  (For those of you with the opposite problem, check out this post)

There are a number of reasons why a husband may have a lower drive than his wife or why he may refuse her advances – many of which I have seen as a pharmacist:

– he is exhausted/stressed/sick

– he feels very disrespected by you (disrespect can actually be a HUGE, HUGE turnoff for many husbands.  It would be the same for them as it would for us if we felt very unloved. Check out my post about respect, disrespect and respect and sexual attraction).

– he has a naturally lower drive than she does at this time of life (especially as men grow older this can be the case – and sadly, women often have an increasing sexual drive as they grow older, especially into their 30s and 40s, this can make things very frustrating sometimes).

– he is experiencing a loss of desire due to depression or due to certain medications (blood pressure medications, some anti-depressants, some prostate medications, Propecia, etc.)

– the timing may not be best for him (most men have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning – sometimes just changing the time of day can make a big difference.)

– medical issues like E.D. that become increasingly common as men age (especially over age 50) – thankfully there are some extremely effective rxs for impotence.  Prostate surgery, diabetes, high blood pressure, peripheral arterial disease and other medical problems can trigger E.D..   The rxs are quite expensive (sometimes $20-30 per pill), but some insurances will cover a certain number of pills per month. (Be VERY careful about talking about this subject with your husband – sometimes, no matter how gently or respectfully a wife brings up the topic of impotence, a husband can feel extremely emasculated. It may be wise to pray a lot about this before talking with him. As a pharmacist, I know that it is very difficult for men to seek help for something so personal and so tied into their sense of manhood.)

– obesity can greatly affect sexual desire in men.

– sex has become a chore (i.e.: to try to get pregnant or deal with infertility treatment)

– serious pornography addiction can vastly lower a husband’s sexual desire and drive for his wife (this is, unfortunately, more and more common)

– infidelity

– low testosterone levels – the Dr can check his blood levels and there are injections and topical gel preparations of testosterone that can be very helpful to increase energy levels and sexual drive for men with this situation (but again, you will have to approach this topic with EXTREME sensitivity and probably a lot of prayer – it would be easy to offend a man greatly about this issue.)


– First, it could be important to think about examining your motives.

  • Is it possible that you may measure how much your husband loves you, or how lovable you are, by how often you have sex with him?
  • Is it possible that you use sex to get affirmation and to feel loved because you aren’t getting any emotional or spiritual connection?
  • Is it possible that you are trying to control your husband’s sex life and thoughts about other women/porn by trying to initiate sex frequently so that he “won’t be tempted” to look at other women or to use porn?
  • Is it possible you are attempting to find your worth and value in sex instead of in Christ?
  • Is it possible your husband is feeling smothered/disrespected/pressured?

If you are using sex to try to control your husband or to keep his thought life pure or to find affirmation of your worth – you are going to be dissatisfied and your husband is probably going to resist.

– PRAY!!!! Ask God to show you your true motives that may be hidden from your own consciousness. Ask God to give you wisdom and healing. Set your heart completely on Christ and find your worth, your identity, your hope, your strength, your joy and purpose 100% in Him. Be content in Christ alone. Take your desires and pain and rejection to Him and find shelter in His wings. Lay your desire at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to help you find satisfaction and contentment in Him no matter what your husband does or does not do.  Trust His sovereignty to be able to handle this problem for His glory somehow and ultimately for your good.

It’s possible that backing off could be something to consider – if you have been initiating every day or frequently and your husband is rejecting you often. He may feel smothered or pressured. Guys don’t like to feel like their affection, attention or sex is being demanded of them.  Or he may just need a few days (or weeks) to feel his own desire for you and to begin to initiate himself. This is SO HARD!!!!!! I know this is the last thing we want to do in this situation. But sometimes it works. The key is to expect nothing. If he does initiate – AWESOME. But assume that he won’t for awhile. Let your body just be “off” instead of “simmering.”  You may have to purposely stop feeding the fantasies of having sex with him for awhile and see if that doesn’t give him a chance to want to pursue you.  (PS, for wives whose husbands want MORE sex – learn to turn your body “on” to “simmer” by consciously thinking about having sex with your husband often and by flirting with him more and being open to his advances and thankful that your husband desires you.  If you are having pain with intercourse, please talk to your OB/GYN as soon as possible!  There is often a lot of help available for such problems.)

– Sometimes our schedules are TOO BUSY!  Being extremely busy all the time leaves no time for the things that are most important in life – intimacy with God, intimacy with our husbands, time to cultivate relationships in our families and time to spend with friends.  Pray and ask God and your husband what can be cut out of the schedule!

-Some husbands begin to resent sex during the long, expensive, sometimes humiliating (for men) process of infertility treatment. If sex has become 100% about trying to get pregnant – it takes the joy out of it for many men (and really – it takes the joy out of sex for many wives, too).  It could be time to take a break and just ENJOY your man without all the pressure.

The greatest gift we can give to our husbands during love making is to ENJOY them, to truly savor them and to be ecstatic, relaxed and delighted in this sacred and precious act of oneness.When we express our pleasure and rapture (with our facial expressions, words, body language, responsiveness and movements) – we greatly bless our men.

– If there are medical issues, major sleep-deprivation or extreme stress going on – pray about and ask your husband about seeing a doctor.  But if you do suggest he see a doctor, it may be wise to only suggest it once, in a very pleasant, non-pushy way and then let him decide when and if he will go.

– obesity greatly contributes to lower desire and even to erectile dysfunction.  This would be another delicate topic.  But you can pray about the issue, and seek to have most meals at home and to have more baked chicken/fish/vegetarian dishes with beans and less red meat and cheese and fattening things.  Make sure he has time to go for a walk or jog or to the gym if he wants to.  Be sure you are cooperating with your husband as a partner, not mothering him or dictating to him what he needs to do.

– Sometimes something as simple as trying the morning instead of at night makes a big difference. I know mornings can be rushed. But men almost always have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning.  It could be worth rearranging the schedule a bit to try this.

– Sometimes using touch to initiate instead of words can work better.  It almost never works with a man who has been resisting you to say, “I want sex!”  But sometimes just using touch very slowly – something you know he really likes – can be a better approach WITHOUT words.  Cuddling, spooning, a massage – but no verbal pressure.  And be prepared to just enjoy the affection even if he doesn’t respond.  If you resent him or get angry, that is going to make the whole situation much more difficult to overcome.

Men do tend to be very visual.  (If your husband is not particularly visual, this may not matter as much.) Wear your hair the way he likes it more often as a gift to him.  Wear your make up the way he prefers when you can.  Dress in feminine clothing to remind him that you are a woman.  Take care of your body – get the sleep, nutrition and exercise you need to be healthy.  Respect your body and treat it well.  When you respect your body and yourself and you make an effort to look your best, your husband appreciates that more than most men would ever say.  (This does NOT mean you need to be a size 2 or do dangerous things or have an eating disorder or exercise obsession.  But it does mean spend 15 minutes maybe – primping a bit before you see your husband.  And be a good steward of your body for God’s glory and to honor yourself and your husband.  Exercising for 15-30 minutes a day 5 days a week would be a healthy, reasonable amount of time and effort.  Your husband may even be quite willing to watch the kids while you go for a 30 minute walk or jog or to the gym.)

– If your husband is feeling disrespected and controlled – he may have told you this, or he may have just unplugged and gone totally silent. Check out the posts at the top of my home page on about respectdisrespect and signs your husband may be feeling disrespected. Consider thinking about ways that you could stop any disrespect, even the unintentional stuff. And then study your husband and figure out what most speaks respect to his masculine soul.  Depending on how disrespected and wounded he feels – it may take months or even a year or years for him to begin to trust and feel safe again.  And there are some rare husbands who never open their hearts again to their wives.  Ultimately, we obey God’s commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 out of our love and reverence for Christ – NOT to try to change our husbands.  We must be willing to accept our men exactly as they are and stop trying to change them before God will work.  And God’s timing may be much longer than ours.  We can trust Him and His sovereignty with the timing and results.  Our concern is to live in obedience and to abide in Christ no matter what our husbands do or do not do.

– If there are pornography issues – this is EXTREMELY painful for a wife. But with the power of God – your husband, you and your marriage CAN find healing and hope! You can check out for an ebook on this issue or you can look up for help with porn addictions.

– if there is infidelity – please find a godly, Christian counselor who is experienced in this area and who will promote obedience to God’s Word. You may have to leave for awhile, or he may have to leave for awhile in order to begin to heal. And we will pray for God to bring both of you to Himself first, and then we will pray for healing for the marriage but most of all for God’s will and His glory.

I Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife,  and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately – you cannot control your husband or force him to be intimate with you.  So there may be a LOT of waiting involved – depending on why his desire is low.  Waiting is HARD.  It is not fun.  But it is an important part of learning to die to self.   I pray for wisdom for each of you that God might show you how to turn to Him and lay your pain at His feet.  I pray He will give you courage and wisdom to do what is helpful and will promote unity and healing in your relationship as far as things depend on you.  And I pray that God might work in your husband as well so that He might convict him of any sin or give him courage to find the medical help he needs to restore sexual oneness to your marriage.  But I pray for God’s peace even in the waiting and for Him to fill you with His joy as you learn to trust Him and seek Him with all your heart.


My suggestion is not to quote scripture or use words to talk about the things of God or that he is not following God’s Word.  That will likely alienate him even farther from you.  In this situation – I Peter 3:1-6 would be your most powerful tool.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

PS –

A husband mentioned something very important in the comments, and is allowing me to share here:

Thanks for addressing this topic. I’ve had conversations with my wife when she suggested that she’s been on a bullhorn and putting up billboards to initiate. I’ve had to learn her VERY subtle methods of initiating.

If there was a point when the man initiated often and was rebuffed often, his antennae might not be up for his wife’s initiation. It’s like in public speaking, when you think you’re being overly expressive, you’re barely scratching the surface. Sometimes a woman might think she’s being obvious but she’s not.

I would encourage a woman to ask her husband if he’s even aware that she’s initiating.


Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseling but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.


When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

She Has the Stronger Sex Drive – Shaunti Feldhahn’s site

Are Particular Sexual Activities Wrong in Marriage?

Placing My Higher Sexual Drive Under God’s Control

My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me

Thriving in a Marriage without Sex If Necessary

Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction in Marriage

Signs Your Husband Is Feeling Disrespected (and Unloved)

263 thoughts on “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage

  1. Thank you so much for this post Peaceful Wife. I have a wonderful 16-year marriage and this is the only area in which we’ve struggled.

    Things have improved greatly over the past several months as I’ve turned our situation over to God and worked to be a more loving and submissive wife. I’m confident that things will continue to get better.

    It’s good to know other wives are also dealing with this. Most of the Christian literature I’ve read about sex talks about men always being ready and wives being resistant. Not much is written about men with lower drives.

    1. LisainVermont,

      I am SO thankful to hear that things are going so much better and that you are seeing improvements. PRAISE GOD!

      I know… it is extremely discouraging to be a wife in this situation and then to read books and not even feel like anyone understands. That is why it is so important to me to talk about this issue. It’s a BIG problem! And it is much more common than many people think.

      1. Curtis,

        Ugh! I am so sorry!!

        Would she be willing to talk with me? Does she have a history of sexual abuse, medical problems (pain during sex)or depression? What brought this on, are you aware? Was this always an issue?

        What was her parents’ marriage like?

        What was your parents’ marriage like?

        How do you treat her, talk with her, relate spiritually and emotionally to her during all of this rejection?

        Has she forgiven you for your sin?

        Can she trust you now?

        Praying for God’s healing for you both!

          1. What brought it on? Not real sure. It tapered off a number of years ago and she refused to restart it. I try to listen very carefully to what the Lord tells me about my marriage. As for her she usually stays up all night watching soap operas, emailing, watching YouTube or surfing the web or Facebook. I do my best to ask for forgiveness if I do anything wrong, but honestly she records of any and all transgressions and really just isn’t a very forgiving person. She has a very high sense of entitlement, I feel. She is also involved part time with an independent children’s ministry. As for corresponding with you, honestly I don’t know. 

            1. Curtis,

              Sometimes we wives really struggle with being forgiving. I sure did. Until I realized what a MASSIVE sin that was.

              I also understand that she may not be willing to talk with me.

              Has there been ANY intimacy at all in the last 10 years?

              What happens when you share your needs?

              Does she realize that you have feelings? A lot of wives don’t think their husbands have feelings – of course, that is not true. Are you able to tell her how hurt you are?

              Would she be willing to read a book?

              If she would- I would recommend “A Grace Filled Marriage” by Dr. Tim Keller first. It’s great for both husbands and wives. A lot of wives are willing to read marriage books – I pray God might give you favor. Maybe you could buy it and have it laying around – she may pick it up.

              Praying for God’s wisdom for you as you seek to lead your family and love your wife with God’s love.

              My husband has a site

          2. I pray and read my Bible daily in the morning before anything else. She rarely does, aside from sometimes listening to praise songs. We do all go to Church every Sunday

    2. What a load of crap! Submissiveness as a solution? I’ve been married 30 yrs to a man who has consistently rejected me. He has never initiated sex. He’s made every possible excuse imaginable as to why; too tired (then goes out for a 6 mile jog), ate too much, stressed about work or anything else. Attempting to talk to him about this has been futile. He becomes angry & changes the subject & deflects. It has made me hate him. I went from a happy, loving woman really in love with him to a bitter, resentful woman in poor health along with severe depression. My poor health precludes my leaving but living in a strictly platonic marriage with little to no communication is becoming too much to take. Currently I have returned to the Catholic Church & try to stay busy. We’ve led parallel lives for many years. He is completely satisfied with this pathetic excuse for a marriage. The separate bedrooms , no sex unless I plead & even then it’s totally selfish on his part, & worse no meaningful communication & if I attempt it he starts a huge war & days of the silent treatment. I have been submissive otherwise how would I have tolerated this for 30 yrs! He is a cold, arrogant awful person & sadly this is my lot in life.

      1. Diane,

        Wow! You definitely do have a lot of bitterness. I can certainly see why. It sound like there are extremely severe issues sexually in your marriage – and 30 years is a very long time to suffer like that. 🙁

        Sometimes, there are situations where if a wife backs down and doesn’t pressure her husband, he may come back toward her. It is certainly worth a try – and then, if that doesn’t help – there may be other things going on that don’t have anything to do with the wife. There are many causes for sexual rejection. If there are medical issues or some kind of major unrepentant sin issue in a husband’s life (like severe pornography or masturbation addictions) – a wife’s behavior may not matter. No matter what the cause – the defrauded spouse will feel hurt. It is hurtful! This is not what marriage is supposed to be like. It is not an experience I would wish for anyone in marriage.

        Are you interested in finding spiritual healing for yourself in Christ? That is, thankfully, available, no matter what your husband does or does not do. I hate to see this bitterness destroy you, my sister.

        I’m glad to do a spiritual check up with you if you would like. And I would also be glad to pray with you about this very painful situation – that God might take it all and use it for good and for His glory. He is able to do things like that – I’m so glad we serve such a mighty God!

        Much love to you!

        1. Anyone who is interested is welcome to look up the following terms on my home page:

          – insecurity
          – security
          – discontentment
          – bitterness
          – fear
          – how to stay filled with the Holy Spirit
          – a spiritual check-up

        2. Diane,

          I’m not sure if there are more serious issues going on, as well? If one or both of you had a history of sexual abuse, for example – that would make things much more complicated. I also don’t know if he has medical issues or side effects of a disease, like diabetes, or side effects of blood pressure meds or anti-depressants? There are other things that can create a low libido or lack of interested in sex for men, too, most of which you have no control over.

          But the great news is that you can control you. And you can work on your side of things so that you are as welcoming as possible – and sometimes that makes a big difference. One thing I learned in the past 7 years about men is that they don’t respond well to demands or extremely negative emotions as motivation to do something we desire them to do. Really, women don’t respond very well to that approach either. Men respond more to respect and honor, not to pressure – if they are going to respond to something we would like for them to do with us.

          I have tons of resources here if you are interested in checking things out. I would be glad to direct you to some posts that could possibly be helpful, depending on the details of your situation.

          Much love to you!

        3. I thought it was most men’s dream for their wife to want it. Every guy should feel so lucky. I wanna marry someone with a high sex drive and will kiss and cuddle me and tell me he loves me and I’ll do the same. I’d totally spoil him. That’s the one thing in life i wanna get right. Who i marry.

          1. Jes,
            I’m not going to be able to approve your first comment – I think that it may create a lot more pain for some women who are already really hurting in some very complicated marriage situations. But I appreciate you clarifying in your later comment. And I am thankful that you want to reach out to encourage the ladies who are hurting. Thank you!

      2. Diane, I could have written your response. I was widowed at a young age and had small children. I met my second husband at church six months later and he swept me off my feet. We married very quickly and he immediately changed into a domineering, abusive partner. He rarely initiated sex and when I tried, he quoted scripture saying it was good for us to be apart and told me to get my mind off earthly things. Now, nearly 30 years later and two more children (all grown now), he has moved to the TV room – first room when you come into the house where everyone can see him – and been there for over two years. After three months, we had a big argument and agreed to try to be intimate again. On ONE occasion, I said I was tired and he deserted me for two years! I also battle health issues (autoimmune) that are severely affected by the stress he causes. I’m not the happy person I used to be – and worse – I feel ruined. I’m resentful and combative, defensive and easily hurt. I feel like I no longer love him. On a recent vacation, we agreed to try and rekindle the passion, but the next day he was so indifferent to me that I actually felt totally worthless as a human being. When I tried to communicate that passion also required ongoing kindness, he actually threatened to call one of MY sons and ask his opinion about my unreasonable expectations. I went from hurt, to angry, to full on terror. I literally had to beg him not to call my son about our private matters. My prayers are with you. I tell myself that God is in control, but my focus is no longer on my marriage. I need to take care of me. Other than resentfully paying the household bills, my husband does nothing for me. I need to rejoice in the Lord and find a way to rekindle my own peace and happiness.

  2. Thank you so much for addressing this. It’s so true that you really don’t see the other side addressed. Pretty much since day 1 of our marriage (a little over 2 years), I have been the one with extremely more drive. I felt insecure, unworthy, unattractive, because of it. I would try to address it sometimes, asking why mine is higher/why not/etc, but all he would say is that he is exhausted. So, it’s only been on his terms, when he wants to. I tried to wear special things and go into the room he was in and he totally denied me—-I never tried again and wanted to sink into the floor in tears. To be so brave to do that and to be completely waved away. Now, when he was able to take his time, it was soooo worth the wait, but because it was soooo great of course I yearned for that frequently. I also always wanted to be spiritually connected in this area, too. I’ve been praying about this, and having to give my resentment, anger, sadness, over to God frequently. About 2 1/2 months ago, things changed. Oh my gosh, I am just in lala land. It’s like he’s a completely different person. I’m sooo loving it and so is he. We’ve been going through a lot of stress with the home we bought not being safe to live in, having to live apart while he fixed the house, having a baby—now things have settled down just a bit. He also went to a doctor and they gave him some medicine for depression. I’m happy that the medicine helps and praying that God will heal him of depression. Seriously, he’s different then when we were even dating. I’m so thankful to God, excited, and just in bliss. Those that are going through this please keep praying and keeping your hope—-I went from sinking sadly into the floor in tears to being in bliss with a flirty, full of drive, husband 🙂

    1. Butterfly Dove.
      I am so glad you shared your story!!!!!

      Depression can really greatly impact people – men or women. And make them not be interested in lots of things they usually would be interested in. I am SO THANKFUL he got the help he needed and that you are both doing so much better.

      THANK YOU, GOD! 🙂

  3. Totally agree with all of your advice. I have to talk to God frequently about my desire to become bitter and resentful at times because my husband “gets it when he wants it, but I don’t”. I have to refrain from quoting scripture, and watch that I don’t turn over and go to sleep angry and letting out audible sighs of frustration. I’m working on improving in so many areas and trusting and submitting to God. I am working on allowing my husband to pursue me and be the man, instead of me being the aggressor. He does tend to respond more when I back off. That is really great advice ladies, if you can manage to find constructive ways to busy yourself with working on you, instead of just silently stewing over what he’s not doing.

    It’s a process, and a difficult one! I’m someone who was sexually assaulted at a young age, and grew up using seduction and sex as a means of getting my self-worth. It’s a hard habit to break. The silver lining is that my husband has definitely put his foot down and demanded something deeper and more spiritual. He doesn’t fall for all my little seductive tricks. He is much more attracted to me when I’m super vulnerable, elusive, and confident/fiesty/playful. Even though he’s got the ring, I guess the man likes the chase!!

    1. Crystal,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a heartbreaking one! But I know God is at work in you and making something so beautiful. I can see Him forming Christ in you, and a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear.

      And I can see Him working in your husband to form a more godly man, too.

      Thank you for being patient with this process and with God and your husband. Waiting in peace and embracing the hard times and the lonely times to learn all God has for us to learn is a big part of maturing in our faith!

        1. Jes,

          Can’t see which comment of mine you are asking this question about at the moment. Things have dramatically improved in our marriage since I learned to stop disrespecting my husband (inadvertently) and have been treating him well. Very thankful to God for the healing He has brought to our marriage.

          1. Sorry. That was meant for someone else. But i wonder what you mean by respecting. I know what it means but i know ppl have sometimes different definitions. Just curious.

            1. Jes,
              I happen to have some posts about that. 🙂 You are welcome to search my home page for:

              – what is respect in marriage
              – signs your husband may be feeling disrespected
              – what is disrespectful to husbands?

              Yes, every man has his own definition of what it means for him to feel respected. These posts may be helpful. 🙂

              Much love to you!

    2. This breaks my heart because you have a right to have fun and also ask for it when you want it. Besides it seems weird that he would be hurt by you taking sexual interest in him. Though maybe i misunderstood? He sounds controlling and that is a very unfair situation. I think if you’re unhappy you have the right to voice that. I don’t think women were meant to lie down and resign to misery. Sometimes we have to make things happen.

      1. Jessica,

        Crystal’s situation is also quite complicated on both sides. It’s easy to make assumptions and give snap advice without knowing what is really going on – but that isn’t always the most productive approach.

        Wives absolutely need to share what they need and desire – I have many, many posts about that if you are interested, I can give you some links.

        My desire is for wives to be sensitive to God’s voice and His Spirit. Sometimes God will prompt us to wait and pray. Sometimes He will prompt us to act. He knows what is best in every situation and He knows how to heal marriages and broken people and relationships. If we run ahead of God or try to be in control ourselves, that often creates a disaster as it did in the early years of my marriage.

        Being overly submissive and passive is destructive for women. Being controlling and disrespectful is also destructive in our marriages. There is this place in the middle where we soar on wings like eagles in the Spirit of God’s power far above human ability – that is the place I want women to get to be. It is the best place in the world!

          1. Jes,
            There are some men who would be thrilled to have a wife who greatly desires sex with them, yes. And then there are other men who are struggling for a variety of reasons.

            Before marriage, Satan’s tactics are to try to tempt us to get involved in sinful sex and to get involved in premarital sex/fornication. After marriage, his goal often becomes to keep a couple apart and to try to destroy their sexual intimacy. This can happen in a number of ways and sometimes the issues change over time.

            The goal is for every married couple to enjoy a healthy sex life together. But sometimes there are a lot of obstacles in the way. Let’s pray for those who are hurting for God’s wisdom and His healing for them in this area and for Him to use even these painful trials to bring about great good and to bring glory to Him ultimately. 🙂

            Much love!

      1. Jes,

        I didn’t approve that comment, either, so Crystal hasn’t seen it yet. There is a long backstory in her situation that is quiet painful. Thanks for rethinking things. It is tempting to jump to conclusions or judgment about things – but it is wise to be sure we understand the whole situation before making snap judgements. 🙂

        Much love to you!

        1. Jes,
          Something I try to focus on with this blog is to think primarily about the things that we as women have control over. I used to be a pretty controlling, disrespectful wife – for over 14 years in our marriage. I thought it was my responsibly to “help” my husband change and to tell him everything I thought he needed to do differently. My husband became increasingly shut down and I took over and did everything my way. I had no idea how much I had wounded him with my words and my attitude.

          There are plenty of things husbands can improve on in many of these situations. And plenty of things they “should” do. But I have found that we have the most power when we focus on what God calls us to do as godly women and wives and as we allow His power to transform us. We can influence our men. We can certainly respectfully ask for what we need and set healthy boundaries as appropriate. If we are being seriously sinned against or abused, we may need to prayerfully, respectfully separate until our husbands genuinely repent and trust is restored. But I find that it is much more productive to learn how we can best communicate effectively with our men and what motivates them and how we can be faithful and obedient to Christ ourselves rather than focusing on blaming our men.

          Of course, there are times we do need to confront them, but our hearts need to be right before God first.

          You are most welcome here. I hope you will look around. The things that are shared here are things I sure wish I had understood before Greg and I got married over 22 years ago.

          Much love to you!

  4. I’m glad you quoted 1 Cor. 7:3-5. While it seems that statistically it is more often wives who violate this passage (as it was in my case), the passage is definitely a two-way street. Assuming the wife has done her best in trying your suggestions with a loving, respectful attitude, or perhaps along with trying those things, I think it’s very appropriate to try marriage counseling. If the husband is a Christian but does not respond to any of these things or to counseling (or refuses to go to counseling), at some point I think it’s appropriate to take it to your church leaders for help under the Matthew 18 model.

    1. Itycharles,
      This is where being a pharmacist and counseling patients for the last 20 years comes in handy! I can talk about practically anything with anyone – doesn’t phase me at all. These are important issues. I want to see Christians approaching these strongholds of Satan with the power, love and sound mind Christ can give us and the authority of His Word. I want to see marriages healed in the church and unity in marriage and in the body of Christ. I pray God might use me any way He will. Please pray for God to give me His Words and wisdom!

  5. Being denied intimacy from your wife is cruel. I heard my wife also on voice tape speak in a way she never speaks to me about her and her partners sexual parts. That was long time ago, and the pain is just as bad as when it originally happened.

    Ladies, don’t use sex as a tool in exchange for your selfish pursuits. Also don’t have sex, than not get your way the next day, and make comments, I gave you sex yesterday, as that really puts the husband into depression and challenges his faith in God.

    1. Loyal Reader,

      That is a good point – intimacy is something that should be freely and joyfully given. It is an ungodly use of the gift of our sexuality for us to try to force our husbands to do things for us or to buy things for us in order for us to be intimate with them. It is also ungodly for us to use sex to manipulate our husbands with guilt.

      Let’s honor God and our husbands by being selfless, giving, joyful, accepting, gracious, merciful and Spirit-filled wives who give willingly and cheerfully of ourselves to our husbands.

  6. Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseliing but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.

    1. Another abuse survivor,
      I am SO THANKFUL for your point. How I wish NO ONE EVER had to endure sexual abuse. But you are absolutely right, men or women who were raped or molested or sexually abused can have terrible emotional/spiritual scars that are incredibly painful in marriage. I hope you might allow me to include your comment in the post.

      1. Please do. There are so many of us. It’s very difficult on marriage and many survivors are not able to marry or if so, sustain their marriages. With over many many years of counseling and a very loving husband, we r celebrating our 25th anniversary this yr. I am eternally thankful. Praise Him.

  7. To an anonymous husband,

    Yes, if she is experiencing physical pain with or after intercourse, it could be a matter as simple as more lubrication or more time is needed before intimacy to be prepared. Or it could be that she has internal muscle spasms, or dyspareunia. I have included a link to WebMD’s definition and causes of this disorder. I would strongly recommend she talk with her OB/GYN. Depending on the particular cause, there are many things that may help reduce her pain dramatically.


    I’ve been almost married for three years and I have to say that I’m just tired of being turned down. I’m tired of being challenged on everything I say or do. I’m tired of being reported to your mom for my shortcomings. I’m tired of feeling like I’m so low your list of important people where the dogs are more important than me. I’m tired of people have more say so in what we do than me. I’m just tired of being neglected.

    Done Venting.

    1. Lord,
      I lift up Rookie Writer, his wife and his marriage to You in Your throne room in heaven. You are sovereign and I lay this couple at Your feet, Jesus. They know You. Their marriage is to be a glorious living parable of the profound mystery between Christ and the church. But You are not being glorified here. There is much pain here – on both sides, I am sure. I pray that You might tear down the strongholds of sin and the enemy in this precious marriage, Jesus. I pray that You might open Rookie Writer’s eyes to all that You see from Your perspective. Give him Your wisdom and Spirit of power, love and a sound mind to breathe life and healing into this marriage. Give him the power to love his wife with the unfathomable, unquenchable, immeasurable love of Christ – not because she deserves it – but because He loves and honors You and seeks Your glory. Let Your Spirit soften his wife’s heart, too. Let her hear Your voice and be willing to obey You in everything. Bring this husband and wife both to You. Let them put You first – way above anything else. Then let them serve one another in humility and be generous with grace, mercy, forgiveness and selflessness. Give them the mind of Christ. Give them unity. Make them one in spirit, mind, heart and body by Your power. Use this marriage to greatly impact the world for Your kingdom. Give Rookie Writer wisdom to lead his wife with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, patience, love, peace, self-control, godly wisdom and let him gently, carefully lead her in Your path towards abundant life. Help him to stand in the gap for his wife in prayer. Help him set a godly example for her and be full of Your Spirit. Let him demonstrate Christ to her. Thank You that You have given him such powerful weapons – Your Word, Your Spirit, Your love, Your example. Give him godly mentors. Give her godly mentors. Partner with him to breathe life, health, strength and vitality into this marriage. Help him to see that even if she doesn’t change right now, as long as You are his partner, there is every reason for hope! You alone can open her eyes and change her soul. But if he will live in obedience to You and abide in You and live with You as Lord, You will change him first and then partner with him to heal his marriage and wife according to Your timing, Your will and for Your greatest glory.

      In the Name and power of Christ,

      1. Amen. You’re remembered in my prayers too, Rookie. Hold on hard to the Lord because there are better days ahead. This is His promise for you and your family in Jer. 29:11.

  9. Thank you for this article, it really touched me in a way that was new to me. There is a lot here I had never thought about with my husband. I know there are stresses, but age differences (7 years) and levels of testosterone are a new things to me. I think I will have him read this and just be open and see where we can go from here. Thanks for this great post I think it will help us tremendously.

  10. Please send me more info. I am in my 30’s, my husband is in his 50’s. Its hurts me more than you can imagine that I am in a relationship with little to no intimacy, much less sex. I feel that it is last on his list of priorities. Considering we’ve had this problem for three years, emotions are very raw on both sides. Help me hold on. Patricia

  11. Ron,

    Your situation breaks my heart for both of you. So much pain on both sides.

    There are absolutely times a husband’s sexual rejection is beyond his control. Medical issues, side effects of some medications, past sexual trauma/abuse… these are major issues that will require a lot of help!

    A wife’s control/disrespect can definitely destroy her husband’s attraction for her, too. Just like a husband’s lack of love can destroy a wife’s attraction for her husband.

    Praying for healing for you and R and for all who are suffering such difficult situations. God is able to heal those who have been broken. How I pray that we might be able to spare our children from such brokenness and damage – that we might set a godly example and keep them from abuse, neglect, pornography, molestation, evil and temptation – so that they will be well prepared to be godly husbands and wives and parents.

    1. Ron,

      I figured it was a green light to dating and courting if they said they were Christians, that they believed Jesus, that they carried their Bibles and read them and that they liked to attend Christian services twice a week.

      I agree – those are not high enough standards. It is very possible for someone to claim Christ and go to church and still not be submitted to Him as Lord. That was me for many years, too!

      Thank you for sharing.

  12. When I had a mastectomy, my husband moved into the guest room and he is still there. It’s been over a year. I’m to the place, I wouldn’t even care about sex, if I could just have an occasional hug or kiss. I am trapped by my cancer (stage 4) in a relationship with controlling platonic friend! Emphasis on the controlling and platonic part, because any friend who treated me with so little concern for my feelings would have been dropped. If I make any request for affection, I “have a problem” and need to give “antidepressants another try.” (As a submissive wife, and because I was in the midst of treatment, I tried them once – made me nauseous, gave me panic attacks, nightmares, I was an emotional zombie, and I took myself off them after I realized one morning I had been trying to get prescription bottles open to commit suicide. Lost 5 pounds each week on them. I have since found out my cancer treatments have been doing wacky things to my thyroid – unusual, but not unheard of when there already was a problem, and antidepressants mess with the thyroid, too.)

    Anyway, it is apparently so hard for my husband to express any affection, that when my brother died, he tried (like he knew what he should do) but could not bring himself to actually hug me. Took him 3 days to work up to being able to give very brief hug. I really have no idea what to do. He says I have a problem, not him. He says I need therapy, but only if he can go in first to tell him/her so they won’t be “siding with me” like the cancer center’s counselor. (I refused and then quietly found a Christian counselor on my own. She has helped me a lot, but she says I have a right as a wife to emotional support, kind of like what the counselor at the cancer center said. Both said this is a time when I need more emotional support, not less.) When my latest PET scan showed no sign of currently active cancer, he sounded totally uninterested the evening I told him, but the next day brought home flowers and gave me the first kiss I had had in months. And he has been a little better ever since, but still in the guest room and still no intimacy, physical or emotional.

    I have strong doubts about my husband being a Christian. We met in church, but about 10 years into our marriage, he became angry and dropped out of church. I have trouble believing a true Christian would not only hold onto this kind of anger for 20+ years, but expand it to encompass all churches and pastors and Christians. I started to hope lately, because he started reading his Bible again after all this time, then I found out he was mostly reading Revelation and other end time prophesies because he started using them to “back up” his criticisms of churches. I suggested I Cor. chapter 7 to him, and he told me I misunderstand and as far as I know, he did not even look at it. He says he has prayed for me during cancer, but will not pray with me.

    1. Elizabeth,


      I am so sorry to hear that you have been battling cancer. What a challenge and time of trial in and of itself! I’m VERY happy to hear that you are doing so well physically now!

      I don’t know much about your husband at all. And I don’t know what your marriage was like before your diagnosis.

      I can’t help but wonder if your husband might not have been trying to somehow distance himself emotionally from you in order to protect himself more from the pain of what you were going through? Not to say that was the right thing to do at all. But I have a feeling that he may have felt unable to deal with the scariness of cancer, the treatment and face the thought of losing you. So maybe he thought if he emotionally distanced himself he would experience less pain?

      It seems to me that he may have been terrified and felt ill-equipped to offer support and maybe he couldn’t even function himself much less be a rock of emotional support for you – possibly.

      I agree that you would need more emotional support during cancer and all the treatment. I’m so sorry that he shut down like that.

      I’m encouraged that he is responding a bit now.

      I pray that God might work in his heart and that He might empower you to be the wife of His dreams. I pray for healing in your marriage!

      Sending you a HUGE hug!

      1. 2 Corinth 1:3-7 indicates that God comforts His own and wants His own to comfort His own. He wants to comfort His own through and by means of His own (Phil 2:13). So you can’t count on your husband for that comfort. PLEASE join every Christian small group you can for spiritual and prayer support. Attend grief and cancer support groups. You can’t get Love out of a spiritually dead person, so get among those who are spiritually alive so He can comfort you through them. Mercifully the Lord allowed my ex and I to be separated before I had major health issues, because she had made it clear that she was not my wife for the “worse” or “poorer” or “sickness” times of my life. I joined as many small groups as possible and the Lord comforted me in my distress.

      2. On the other side of the story i would like to hear also about a stuation where by wife denies their husband their sexual rights out of no reason

        1. Mike,

          Wives usually do have reasons why they reject their husbands. But God’s Word commands us not to withhold ourselves sexually from our spouse. So – I desire to help wives find ways to overcome the obstacles they may experience so that they can joyfully give themselves to their husbands sexually.

          I address this issue in two posts and one Youtube video:

          “Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband.”

          The Respect Dare – Day 38 – Initiating Sexual Intimacy

          Withholding Sex in Marriage – 5 minute Youtube video

            1. Jessica,

              It is a pleasure to meet you!

              I only write for wives. So, I don’t “tell men what to do.” But, scripture commands both husbands and wives not to withhold sex from one another I Corinthians 7:1-5.

              Husbands have equal responsibility, and possibly even more responsibility because they are accountable in God’s sight as the God-given authority – who is to lead humbly, selflessly, lovingly, wisely the way that Christ leads and loves His church.

              Here on this blog, I focus on what we as wives can do on our end of the relationship. We can’t make our husbands do anything. The only person we control is “me.”

              I am sorry that you may be hurting today and am happy to talk with you if you are interested. I don’t have all the answers, but I will do my best to point you to the healing, hope, Life, peace and joy that can be found in Christ.

              Much love!

              1. I think i hurt for the women on here who deserve better. I don’t remember everything i said while back. It seems secular society faces the fact women have sexual needs but the church ignores their needs.

              2. Jessica,

                I hurt for the men and women who are lonely in their own marriages and who feel rejected by their own spouse. SO much pain and heartache here. 🙁

                My goal is to get husbands’ and wives’ needs met in ways that honor God. My experience – after having over 4 million hits and tens of thousands of comments and conversations with people – has been that when women are fully submitted to Christ and understand their husbands needs and focus on meeting their husbands’ needs – most husbands eventually respond with love, care, concern, humility, and a servant’s heart to meet their wives needs, as well.

                We sometimes try to make and force our husbands to do what we want – but men don’t respond well to that approach – neither do women.

                I want every marriage to flourish and to have wonderful, satisfying sex – and even more than that – to bring great glory to God. That is the goal. And when we follow Christ and trust Him and are willing to obey Him and listen to His voice – He often brings healing in every area of a marriage.

                I can’t count how many wives have shared with me that after they stopped demanding sex and stopped trying to control their husbands and stopped disrespect – and began to honor their husbands, respect them, and treat them well – that their sex lives improved dramatically. Of course, there are other issues that could be going on, as well. But many times – as God changes a wife – He begins to heal the husband and marriage, too.

                For some examples of that very thing, where wives who felt rejected began to experience their husbands desiring them again, check out this post.

                How is your walk with Christ and your marriage going?

                Much love to you!

                Why Do I Have to Change First?

  13. Peaceful wife Iam in a marriage just like you said feeling undesirable because my husband won’t be intimate with me. We’ve been married only 6 months on Oct 20, 2013. Iam so hurt. I thought about iniciating but Iam afraid he’ll reject me, so Idon’t. Ialso thought about counseling, to embarrassed to tell that my husband of 6 months doesn’t desire to make love with me. Ithought labor was hard at least Iknew it would end eventually, Idon’t know if or when he will desire me again. My heart is broken && I’m frustrated. #Loosing Control

    1. Losing Control,

      Would you like to talk about this together? I am SO SORRY you are hurting so much! That kind of pain of feeling so rejected is just excruciating.

      Here are some things that would help me to give you some direction if you would like to email me the answers – or you can answer here if you prefer…

      1. How long has it been since you’ve been intimate?
      2. What was your relationship like before marriage?
      3. Does your husband have a porn addiction or any mental health issues or drug/alcohol addictions?
      4. Is it possible he feels disrespected? (I have a post at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect)
      5. Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
      6. What was his parents’ marriage like?
      7. What was your parents’ marriage like?
      8. DOes he suffer from any medical conditions like diabetes or high blood pressure?
      9. How is the rest of the relationship going lately?
      10. Do you have a young baby in the family now? If so, when was the baby born?

      Much love to you!!!!

      1. Peacefulwife thx for responding…answers: 1. Aug 9,2013
        2. In my opinion
        3. He watched it b4 we got married. Iasked him to stop, he did for awile but recently started again.
        4. Iread your post to be sure of the disrepect, not a factor, he
        never mentioned that. Only that he’s just tired.
        5. We both have relationship w/Christ. We fast && pray. Go to church as a family.
        6 &7. Our parents were never married to each other.
        8. No
        9. We don’t talk much, we still
        date each other. Have issues w/
        bills being paid equally. Iforgave
        but never forget about him telling
        a young lady that he still got love
        for her eventhough he’s gettin
        married && called her beautiful.
        Ican’t stand when he calls me
        that but Ikeep it to myself.
        10.No baby. He adores my children. He has no children. 1st time married @ 39yo. Iam 43yo. Ifraid that his desire is for younger ladies. #LosingControl

        1. Losing control,

          He much porn is he watching? It can be possible for a man to be so addicted to porn, he doesn’t feel sexual desire for his wife. Is he willing to get help? If you search “pornography” in my home page, I believe you can pull up a post with a link to a free ebook for dealing with porn in a godly way by Brent Riggs.

          Is he depressed?

          Is he working a lot?

          Does he have medical issues that cause erectile dysfunction?

          Has he felt criticized sexually?

  14. This article does not surprise me when I realized it was a religious article. Growing up all I hear about religion is how a women suppose to please her man and not both ways. It has really made me stay away from religion and has caused me to keep a distance with God. Men and Women are equal bottom line.

    1. LucretiaS,

      It absolutely DOES work both ways. I dont’ write for men. So I don’t write about what they should do. My husband has a blog for husbands. But YES, the commands God gives are that husbands should not deprive their wives. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it. Husbands are to be selfless, humble, gentle, respectful and to treat their wives with great honor or God will not hear their prayers.

      Men and women are equal in value in God’s sight YES!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!

      Anyone who told you that women were inferior was not teaching what God says in His Word. men and women are both image bearers of God. And Galatians 3:28 says that there is no difference to Him between male, female, slave, free, Jew or Greek or Barbarian.

      These principles I talk about would apply for husbands, too – I am just not teaching men. But just because I don’t teach men, does not mean that these things don’t apply to them.

      Much love to you! 🙂 Thanks for your comment!

      1. Lucretia,

        I pray that you might read God’s Word for yourself and not allow any human to come between you and God’s love for you. 🙂

        I Corinthians 7:1-5 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

        Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

        I Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

        The kind of love God commands both husbands and wives to have for each other is AGAPE love – unconditional love. All believers in Christ are called to love all people with God’s kind of love. Men and women. This is the love to build a marriage upon. 🙂

        I Corinthians 13:-1-8a If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

        With love,

        1. God calls ALL believers – men and women – to submit to Him 100% as LORD of their lives. He calls all of us to believe on Jesus and accept His death for us that He died in our place. He paid for everything we have done that has offended God – so that we might be able to have a real relationship with Him – even though none of us deserve it at all. “There is none righteous, no not one.” It is a gift that we can come to God – and it is by His grace and our faith in Him, not because we have anything good in us (Ephesians 2:8). Then, He desires His Spirit to fill us and give us power to live in obedience to Him for His glory.

          He calls all believers in Christ to die to our old sinful self – allow it to be nailed to the cross and buried with Jesus. Then we are to put on our new self in Christ. He gives us new hearts, new minds, new spirits.

          He gave up His life for us, and then we give up our lives for Him. He took our sins. He gave us His right standing with God. He took our punishment. He gave us His holiness. He took our death upon Himself, then He gives us His eternal Life.

          We lay down our wisdom, our rights (because we have sinned against God, we have no rights before Him), our dreams, our goals, our plans, our resources and all that we are. We sacrifice all that we are to Him in thanksgiving for all that He has done – becoming a human, dying in our place, conquering sin and hell for us. Such a great love He has for us! Then, we pick up His Spirit, His desires, His plans, His wisdom, His goals, His dreams, His priorities, His power and we seek only His will and His glory.

          He gives us the power to live and to love as He does.

          And with His Spirit – we receive His supernatural love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The fruit of His Spirit will be in our lives daily as we live for Him and yield to His control in our lives. That is how the CHristian walk is supposed to be for all men and women who follow Christ.

          This is what God has done for me! I used to be anxious, afraid and worried all the time. I trusted SELF not God. But God set me free from my old ways and has given me this new abundant life.

          I pray you might find it, too. 🙂

          You are PRECIOUS to Him and He can give you satisfaction, peace, joy, purpose and fulfillment that nothing in this world can ever give to you.

  15. I am married for 04 years and my husband never had sex with me so far. (believe me or not). He is not interested in having sex with me at all. He never kiss me. I just live coz im not dead.

    1. Nichra,

      Goodness!! If your husband never ever consummated the marriage -you probably could file for an annulment. Have you talked with your pastor/priest about this?

      I am SO SORRY that you are going through so much pain.

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Would you like to talk a bit more about what is going on? I will do my best to point you to God’s Word and to Christ.

      There is a discussion about divorce and annulment going on today on my post The Bible and Divorce.

      Much love to you!

    2. Dear “Coz I’m not dead”,
      If your husband claims to be a believer and is an active member of a church, I hope and pray that you Love Jesus enough to obey Him and do Matthew 18:15-17 with your husband and the church. If you get to v. 17 and he rejects the appeal of both you and the delegation of believers from your church, then Jesus instructs you to relate to him as you would to an unbeliever. That would move your relationship to that of 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, where the believing wife is instructed to not leave her unbelieving husband, but if she does leave him and he still wants to live with her as her husband, then v. 11 instructs her to remain separated but single, or be reconciled with him. When he no longer wants to live in marriage with her and he separates himself from her, then she is no longer bound to him in the Kingdom of God and is free to remarry. Having dealt with this before and seen the failure to obey Matt 18:15-17 result in marital tragedy affecting mates and their children, I hope and pray you will love Jesus enough to obey Him. I know Mat 18:17 might appear to be hard to do, but all you need is a delegation, of 4 or more, to join you in confronting him about his rebellion and disobedience of clear Scripture in 1 Corinth 7:1-5 and Prov 5:18-20. Praying for you.

    3. Nichra:

      Good grief! My heart goes out to you. I totally can’t comprehend the callousness nor what even might be going through his spirit to treat someone like that. Let me pray for you: “Dear Lord Jesus, be with this woman and especially be with her husband. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t or would be afraid to be intimate with his wife, but You do Lord. Give him courage to face up to whatever he needs to do to deal with this situation. And in the meantime minister to her needs in her heart and soul; comfort her; help her look up and draw close to you and be healed. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

  16. I would agree with what you said about wives needing to give your man some space, allowing him to come to the wife on his own time and his own terms. I took this approach. Typically, I am the one who initiates, and I usually feel like I’m begging. I’ve backed off more and more over the years, and this last time I just made it my priority to let him initiate. Unfortunately, it took him 4 months. Then one day, at 10pm, out of the blue he says, “wanna do it?”. It was painful, and I started bawling. I told him that after 4 months of no intimate contact, I needed some touch, some indication that he wanted me. It took him another 3 days to want it, and I still ended up initiating it. It’s more than frustrating. It’s heartbreaking. It really makes you feel repulsive. I used to get excited around him, and my desire for him was so strong. Now, I look forward to him not being home, because the pain is so hard to bear. It’s easier to be alone, then to be near him and not be desired.

    1. MHMC,
      I am so sorry for your pain!

      Do you know what is going on with him? Medical issues? Stress? Side effects of medication?

      Praying for wisdom and healing for you both.

      1. He’s always had anxiety- I’m sure there’s some depression in there, too. We’ve always had issues in the bedroom- for most of out marriage it’s been once or twice a month. It just seems to have gotten much worse. Other issues in our marriage have boiled to the surface, and as I’ve been trying to get help, counseling, seek out pastoral help, he keeps refusing to participate. I’ve become aware of some lies, and it has created lots of mistrust. I know these are all causes of a lack of intimacy, but it makes me angry that instead of trying to find solutions to our problems, he just keeps ignoring them- and me.

          1. Sorry- working from two different computers-
            My husband rarely says anything. I confronted him recently about giving me the silent treatment. Very frequently he outright ignores me. He even gave our 13 yr old daughter the silent treatment for 3 days. When I confronted him about it, he stopped ignoring her, but it was a very cold relationship. He has been on medication for anxiety twice in the last 5 years- currently on it now for the last 2 years. I’ve been through the whys and the how’s. I’ve blamed myself for not making him happy. I’ve read the books that tell the wife to be more kind, understanding, respectful, etc. After 13 yrs I’m at a loss. I ask God every day to change both our hearts. I pray that someone comes to him and tells him what God is saying him (he’s certainly not going to hear it from me). I understand a certain level of thoughtfulness needs to be used to discuss these things, but it seems I’ve done all that and still nothing. I really have tried to be what he says he wants- yet he does nothing. He even went so far as to say he wanted to “spice thing up in the bedroom!That’s after 13 years of saying no to me more times than I can count. You asked how I initiate- it’s different every time. Sometimes I even say that I would like him to “consider it” days in advance thinking that might help. It doesn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something really wrong. Either this has something to do with him trying to control, or he’s having an affair. Either way, I continue to pray that God reveals the truth.

            1. MHMC,

              It is possible that there could be a medical issue, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc, depression (some medications can also lower libido dramatically and affect sexual performance).

              What was his parents’ marriage like?

              What was your parents’ marriage like?

              Was he sexually abused?

              Is he addicted to porn?

              How is your relationship with Christ going?

              Much love!

              1. Thank you- He’s been like this most of our marriage- even before he ever went on medication for anxiety. I have considered the low T as a cause- problem is, we have gone moments in our marriage (very few and far between) when he’s trying to “smooth” things over with me, and we will have sex 2 to 3 times a week! It seems, especially when you look at these instances, that he really does have control over it physically. If I were to guess, it’s a mental problem, not a physical one.

                His mom says about her marriage: “It’s been a 50 year sentence”. She is not happy, even less now that my husband’s dad has had a stroke. My husband’s father was/is very selfish.

                I don’t know about abuse- I used to think he told me everything, but I’ve recently been made aware of secrets that were kept. I honestly don’t know if he would tell me if he was sexually abused. I know he suffered mental/emotional abuse from his father.

                I’ve discovered porn in the past, but no idea if it’s still a problem. He has admitted to masturbating as well, which upset me since he says no to me all the time.

                As far as my relationship with Christ goes, it’s been hard. I trust Christ. I love Christ- I know God has a purpose in it, and that the only way my husband will change is through his own faith in Christ. But I have been suffering from depression. I recently lost my job (long story, but it had to do with something my husband did and my employer found out- it was nothing to do with what I did, but I lost my job anyway), I’ve been so saddened by the state of our marriage, I’ve been seeing a counselor once a month for 2 years- reading the Bible used to be something I truly enjoyed and couldn’t wait to come home from work and study the Word- but now, it’s a chore. I don’t know why. I’m not angry at God. I am angry at my husband, but not at God. I pray- and I cry. I look forward to church and being with other Christians, because it’s all the Word I’m getting right now.

              2. MHMC,

                What is your counselor saying for you to focus on?

                If there is a porn addiction, it is very common for husbands to eventually not be able to respond to a flesh and blood woman, even their own wife.

                What was he like before marriage? Was there ever a time that he seemed excited about having sex?

                I am SURE there will be a lot of bitterness and resentment toward your husband that you will have to lay down. If you hang on to bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment, it will choke your relationship with God – grieve His Spirit and keep Him from forgiving you (Matthew 6).

                To find the joy in your walk with Christ, all the bitterness and unforgiveness will have to go.

                I plan to post this on this site in a day or two, but you may find some help in a post on my other site today about Finding Contentment

                I am SO sorry to hear about your job. Is your husband still working? Has he apologized for what happened with your job?

                Sending you a HUGE HUG my precious sister!

    2. You have a right to ask for what you want. I think these men who don’t like their wives coming onto them are on a different planet

      1. Jessica,

        Of course women may ask for what they want and desire! And we can do it in a way that draws our men to us rather than repels them. MHMC’s situation is rather complicated. But yes, women may ask for what they want. 🙂

  17. i feel rejected by my husband numerous times. we’re married for a year but we’re together for 5 years. our sex life is not as active as it was during our first 3years. it hurts me alot everytime i got rejected. But he is a good husband, i have no complains regarding his attitude. But everytime he refuse to make love with me i feel insecure to myself and i doubt myself of not being a good wife. it feels like i dont give him the satisfaction. Another thing is that i feel our marriage is not a good one. i’m feeling alot of negative emotions. it hurts me so much. But after reading this article somehow i was enlightened. i cannot say im not hurt anymore. but thank you for this article. this made me realize to seek God’s help and pray for my husband. because before my mind is being rebellious as i want to make revenge to him because im so mad at him. i almost forget that God is just a prayer away. thank you because i feel better now. it is so shameful but i have to admit i foret HIM when everything in my life is okay. thank you. i feel blessed.

    1. joanne,

      It DOES HURT so much when our husbands reject us. I have definitely been there.
      I pray you might look around at some of the other posts on my site. Especially the ones at the top about disrespect and respect. There is some eye-opening and life changing stuff here that I don’t want you to miss! 🙂

      I’m right here any time you need to talk. I thank God that He is giving you hope!!!!

      Much love my precious sister!

      1. when he initiate he never get rejected. we just make love when he wants to but when i am the one who initiates i always get denied. i already told him this but nothing has change. before i came up to your article i told myself last night will be the last time i will be rejected because i will never ask him to make love with me and if he will be the one who will initiate i will say no as my revenge to him and will sait until the time he will say sorry to me for rejecting me all the time. yes i feel like im a bad wife but my ego is telling me to do so. but now i realize it wi not work. Honestly speaking i dont know if i want to have sex with him again because after last night i feel cold to him. but now im praying for our marriage that’s all i can do now because honestly i dont know what to do it feels awkward.

        1. Joanne,

          How often were you trying to initiate? What would he do?

          Sometimes husbands don’t always recognize our attempts to initiate.

          I Corinthians 7 contains God’s commands for us in this department.
          3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

          So, I think it is important to be available to him. I want him to be available to you, too.

          Is he feeling overall very respected in the marriage?

          Does he say anything that he wants to be different?

          I will do all that I can to point you to Christ and His Word and healing for yourself and your marriage. 🙂

  18. There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.

  19. After years of searching for answers to my husbands rejection I came across a few websites that describe “intimacy anorexia” coined by Dr. Douglas Weiss.
    It’s becoming more and more recognized and has been hurting marriages for decades. It’s the active (and subtle)withholding of affection, intimacy, etc…
    When I found this it described our marriage exactly and was such a relief to find an actual problem that we could pinpoint. If you tend to second guess yourself when it comes to the way your spouse treats you and/or they are more charming and doting around others you might want to check it out. Husbands or wives can be an intimacy anorexic, and it usually is because they don’t like themselves very much so they put others down to make themselves feel better. It’s emotional tourture for the rejected spouse and gives an amazing relief to feel validated. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and I’m happy to not have to wonder what’s so wrong with me that he rejects me anymore.

  20. I am at such a loss. My husband of 12 years has never shown any interest in being intimate, romantic or even showing affection towards me. A few moments ago that intimacy doesn’t matter to him. He tells me he never thinks about me but yet he tells me he loves me. I am so confused,hurt and lonely.

    1. Jathy,
      Goodness! That would be very painful. 🙁 what were things like in the beginning? Does he have any medical problems or is he on rx medications? Any history of sexual abuse or porn addiction?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?
      And your parents’ marriage?

      Any addictions or infidelity or mental health disorders or abuse in the marriage?
      Sending you a huge hug!!!
      Much love,

  21. Where to start. I met my Husband after a bad break up with his Ex. He was never into sex so much but I thought it would change. Ha! He wrote me the most romantic letters that swept me off my feet. All of a sudden he broke up with me to go back out with his Ex. I was devastated but moved on. A few months later we ran into each other while I was on a date with someone else. He started to call me again because he was jealous I think. He told me he really loved me and that he broke it off with his ex because of that. At 23 I believed him. Still very rarely had sex. Maybe once a month. He worked construction and was always tired. I would reach for him and he would push me away. I would cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me. We got married and went on our honeymoon for 2 weeks. Not once the whole time did we have sex. I had to almost force him the night of our wedding!! I went through all kinds of depression thinking I was not good enough for him, self doubt, etc. I was a fairly attractive girl. 5’9 125lbs. Never had trouble before. After 1 child (bounced back quick) it got even worse. Maybe 2 times a year we would have sex and it was always about him never about me. He would say sorry get you next time. Was trying to have another child so we had sex more during this time. I miscarried 5 times. The last I was 5.5 months pregnant. He was mad and upset and said no more! He didn’t want to go through this anymore. I started working out and was in the best shape of my life. He still had no interest in me. We were going to a work party for me one night and he decided he did not want to go. I was upset and went, drank to much and ended up having a one night stand with someone. Someone at the party told my husband 2 years later because she had a crush on him. It destroyed him and me. He then tried to put his mark on me and have sex all the time. Then he would scream and yell call me all kinds of names. He became physical. It was horrible. Long story short it has been 17 years since then we had another child (He thinks its not his sometimes just to hurt me) Looks exactly like him. He has numerous medical issues and could not perform if he wanted to now. I am 53 and have had sex maybe 10 times in the last 10 years. None the last year at all. I know I should leave but feel scared and terrible for my son who loves his Dad. He has one year left of HS and figure I can stick it out, but them I will be the bad guy for leaving my Husband after 28 years because he has so many Medical Issues. Trapped for the rest of my life! In my heart I believe that he was never in love with me and it was only his Ex and she rejected him again so he turned back up in my life because he was the kind of guy who couldn’t be alone. I should have never have done what I did. I regret it everyday of my life. So down about myself and I know now in my heart that it wasn’t me but something with him, but I can’t seem to erase the years of self doubt and very low self esteem about myself. Just felt good finally sharing my story. Thank You

    1. Kri,

      Goodness! What a nightmare. 🙁

      I am so sorry that you have both been through so much pain and heartbreak.

      Are you safe? Is he still physically abusing you?

      Jesus is able to heal you. He is able to bring something beautiful from this awful situation. If you are interested in talking about how to have a relationship with Him and how He is able to forgive you and give you a new heart and a new mind and real joy and peace, I’d love to talk with you about that.

      You may also want to seek a godly Christian counselor who will give biblical counsel. You have had some very serious issues in the marriage.

      But – I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ! In Him, all things are possible. 🙂

      1. Thank you for your reply. It is just good to get this off my chest. I have gone to counseling. I was told I should leave. He refuses to go to counseling. For soooooo many years I really thought it was me. I still have my own issues of not feeling good enough. He doesn’t trust me anymore and it has been 17 years. I know I have turned in to an unhappy person when I am at home. I no longer have any desire to have sex. Just so sad all the time. There are so many things I want to do in my life and because of his physical handicaps (Most brought on himself). He is a Diabetic who never took care of himself. He is extremely overweight now, eats whatever he feels like, almost lost his foot 10 years ago due to the Diabetes. He can barely walk now and I am sure he will be looking at amputation before long. He does nothing to help himself. Sits in his chair most of the day. Never does any kind of physical activity anymore. I know he is extremely depressed also but does absolutely nothing to help himself. I will never be able to do anything. He can barely walk anymore. I can no longer keep up with all the chores at our house. I just want to sell and move into something more manageable for me. It almost seems like something must have happened to him as a child. His whole family is very dysfunctional. Doesn’t speak to his Dad who left when he was 12 and didn’t see him again until he was 19 years old. His Mom has many, many issues, his sister has been married twice and both husbands left her for other women. My brother in law has been married 3 times and is going through his 3rd divorce. My parents basically had a story book marriage and were very in love. Unfortunately my Dad passes when he was 63 and my Mom never quite got over it. She passed from Alzhiemers a few years ago. In my heart I know I deserve better, I deserve to have someone love me and want me but I am scared. My insurance is through my husbands job and I don’t want to upset the apple cart at this point because of my son. Just not sure what to do. I used to be so attracted to my Husband. For so many years whenever I saw him I would get butterfly’s in my stomach but yet I knew in my heart he never felt that way about me. I can’t believe that I have wasted most of my life living with someone who was never attracted to me. I have always been a strong person and can handle almost anything thrown my way, but when it comes to him, I am a mess. He has a quick mind and a very sharp tongue. He says some of the most horrible things to me. Last year I went to bed one night and his dog who is very protective of him was sleeping next to him, I came up with our old dog and his dog charged him and had him by the face and he was crying. I kicked his dog to get her off of the old one who could not defend himself and he flipped out on me in front of my son. Called me a vicous Cxxx. I could not believe he said that to me. I got so angry I said what did you say to me? he repeated it and I slapped him. I grabbed some clothes and left. My son and daughter kept calling me begging me to come home. They both said he was horrible to say such a thing to me. I ended up going back the next day. I am a complete animal lover and would never just do something to harm one of my animals. Funny his dog did the same thing again recently and he hit her and threw her outside. Way worse then what I did. I didn’t say a word. I just looked at him and I knew he thought about what he had said to me that night. He would never just apologize to me. I live in Sandy Hook Ct and between what happened here last year and my home life I am just devastated I’m just worn out. Thank you again for listening to me. 🙁

        1. Lostinlife,

          I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ, my precious girl!

          Was it a Christian counselor you spoke to?

          I’d love for you to read my post today

          Let’s talk about how you can move forward to become the woman and wife God desires you to be, and how you can find healing, wholeness, real peace, joy, purpose and identity in Christ.

          And we will trust God to begin to work in your husband’s heart, to bring him to Himself and to bring healing to him.

          Much love to you!!!!!

          Also, please check out – Spiritual Causes of Depression and Anxiety.

          Let’s take your burdens to Jesus. He is the only one who can heal you. But He is able to give you a new heart, new mind and a new life. And, He is able to do the same for your husband, too. It sounds like he has been very deeply wounded in his childhood and is still imprisoned by what happened to him.

          Much love,

  22. The moment I met my husband in 1993, I knew beyond any doubt that he was THE ONE! When I arrived home that night I woke my mum and told her: “Mamma! Tonight I met the guy I’m going to marry!” He was like I thought an angel would be. He was kindness, gentleness, strength and goodness personified. Beautiful soft blue eyes, and to me the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. We started dating in March 1993 and got married in Dec 1995.
    Now, 18 years and 3 children (15yrs, 14yrs, and 10yrs) later, I’m amazed at the immense physical pain I feel in my heart that reaches up into my throat and strangles me so hard that the tears just run like rivers down my cheeks and neck and soak my bra…I do my mourning at night when everyone’s asleep. I say mourning, because the pain feels the same as if someone had died.
    He does’n want me and I’m wondering if he ever really loved me. I can deal with him not being interested in sex, but not with being rejected on all other levels.
    When you love someone you are interested in her life. You want to know what she likes and what she’s interested in and what is important to her. You would look in her eyes when having a conversation with her…you would actually want to have conversations with her. You would want to share in her joy and know when she’s sad. You would want to hold her hand tight and give it a kiss. You would give her hugs and make her feel safe. It would be important to you that the kids know you love their mummy. You would kiss her good night and good morning. You would acknowledge her expressions of love and respect for you. She would from time to time see you as excited about her as you are about your new fishing gear.
    I feel so alone. So sad…
    I love Jesus and have a wonderful personal relationship with our Lord. My husband is a Christian, but doesn’t feel it necessary to be a born again Christian. He doesn’t want to go to Church. I do pray for him. I want him to have the joy in Jesus that I have. I want him to be the king of our household as God intends him to be.
    I work hard to try and be a submissive and respectful wife and I still need a lot of work! I am a work in progress an by no means even near perfect but I am trying. I have shared my concerns with him many times over the years but he just doesn’t even try. I’m thinking that he may never have loved me….

    1. Karen,
      I am so glad to hear from you! Goodness, I feel your pain. I had hundreds of nights of tears myself earlier in our marriage. It is very painful to feel utterly rejected for long periods if time.

      Would you like to talk about this with me?

      I am praying for all of you!

  23. I have been looking for a blog to vent and see if other women were going thru what I am… We have been married almost 18 years.. We use to have a wonderful sex life but my husband has chronic back pain and for the last 5 years it has went to none.. He is on lots of medication and I know why we don’t but it’s so hard for me to deal with because I have a strong sex drive.. I’m the only one who works and it’s just hard.. He’s a wonderful man and had always been good to me.. Please pray for me

    1. T Stafford,

      That is so hard!

      I severely sprained my lower back the week after our honeymoon. Waited 6 years of dating and saved sex for marriage, had a glorious week and then I couldn’t bend over, get out of bed, put on my shoes, sit, stand, walk, roll over in bed. It was awful. I cried all ready every day for months. Greg stopped touching me. He turned me down every time I tried to initiate. I know now that he was afraid he would have hurt me, and I know that he would have. But I was completely devastated and spiraled into the most awful depression of my life. My back got better but it took many months. Now, I do exercises and go to a very good chiropractor, but as a pharmacist, I know many patients with severe back pain who cannot do that. Lower back problems make sex almost impossible because you can’t move. All the motions required for sex cause further injury. 🙁

      Would he be willing to use his hands on you, maybe? That wouldn’t hurt his back, hopefully.

      I am praying for you!!

  24. This topic has really helped me. I pray about it and even though he refuses to touch me I have find peace with reading your article. My husband problem is mainly he would rather watch porn. After our four kids he lost interest really after the 1st the few times in past 10 years we have been intimate I got pregnant. But even after getting fixed and more he does t have any interest in me. I feel just as you said unattractive, depressed and miserable. It’s hard loving someone and being attracted to them and not get anything in return no hugs kisses or I love yous or sex. Literally nothing presents or Christmas or birthdays anniversary’s and so on. Not even recognized I feel alone and humiliated.

    1. Army wife,

      Porn addiction can change a man’s brain so much that he is no longer able to be roused by his wife. 🙁 That is not your fault! It is not about you being inadequate. This is sin that has him ensnared. And the enemy rejoices and desires to use this sin to destroy him, his life, your marriage, you and your family.

      Is he willing to get help? Does he have a godly male mentor or accountability partner? has resources, even for wives of husbands who are addicted to porn. And has a book for couples who are struggling and suffering from the awful consequences of pornography.

      What does your husband say he needs? When did things change?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      How’s re the other areas of your marriage?

      What do you do when you feel so depressed, upset, rejected and in pain?

      I wish I could hug your neck, my precious sister!

  25. My husband gave up pornography, by the grace of God, around the time that we got married and became sexually active. He is a very godly man and has succeeded in maintaining abstinence in this area, but it seems as if now he’s shut down that entire portion of his brain. Our sex life is much like you described in this article. But I don’t want my husband to think of sex (or even just his desire for me) as something dirty. I’m sure he knows that sex is a beautiful thing God created for a woman and a man to share in their marriage, but how can he begin to see sex in this positive light? Rather than just putting up his guard all the time to protect from falling back into the same sin? It’s as if he’s always on the defense and doesn’t want to ever pursue me. Do you know of a resource I could point him to to help him?

  26. Erik,
    This breaks my heart. 🙁

    I have heard from quite a number of husbands who were rejected over and over for many years and then eventually they kind of “snapped” and they began to refuse their wives. I think because the pain was just intolerable, perhaps?

    I have a post about a wife’s respect and sexual attraction at the top of my home page – could be interesting.

    Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

    Thanks so much for your comment. I am praying for healing for you both!

  27. I googled and found this post. I am so upset. My husband of 6 years is an amazing man. We’ve been through a lot together. Fought infertility, failed treatments, a surprise pregnancy that ended in stillbirth, and recently the adoption of our daughter. After losing our son, our relationship was stronger than ever. We became Christians together about 2 years ago and it has been an incredible journey. Problem is, lately I feel rejected by him sexually. We rarely have sex, it’s usually quick and almost robotic when we do. I’m overweight and feel very self conscious about it. I am afraid he’s no longer attracted to me. He says that’s not the case. I was previously married and in that relationship, I developed the mindset that sex = love/attention/self worth. Our marriage was struggling and sex was the only “positive” attention I got from him. I’ve shared this information with my husband and he says that it’s not fair that I hold my past relationship against him. But I’m not, it’s not a choice I’m making consciously, its engraved in my head and on my heart. I can’t help but feel loved when we are more frequently intimate and feel unloved and disconnected when we aren’t. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he’s usually quick to stash it under the rug so to speak because he doesn’t like confrontation. Unfortunately, when I feel disconnected and rejected, I respond with distance and anger. Why?? It doesn’t help the situation any but then he asks me if something is wrong and while I’d love to use that as an open invitation to be honest with him, the way he asks me sounds like he’s annoyed that he’s having to ask vs. asking out of pure concern. So instead, I feel attacked and just respond with, “nothing’s wrong.” I know this is not right but I don’t know what to do. I made him a gift earlier this week and gave to him. I apologized for being so mean lately hoping it would open the door to conversation and instead he just acted like it was no big deal. I’m so lost and I’ve been praying and trying to be encouraged but I feel myself pulling away from him a little more each day. I just don’t know what to do. I fear that he’s using porn. I caught him using it one of the first few years we were together and we had a huge conversation about out and he promised he never would again. I have no reason to believe he it’s other than he deletes his web history. And I think my insecurities are possibly clouding my vision because it makes me worry that he is using it again/still. I’m so upset, I just don’t know what to do.

    1. I’m so sorry, everyone’s situation is different but I know the pain of rejection, insecurity, feeling unloved, and everything else you mentioned. My husband also told me that it’s not me, I did gain a few pounds after we were blessed with our daughter but I’m still “normal” weight and honestly I feel pretty confident in my skin. I try not to let the rejection make me feel bad about my body but it’s so hard not to, no matter what your shape or size. He also uses porn, which is so hurtful because clearly he’s thinking about sex, just not with me. I will be praying for you and all the others here, I hope this is just a test for us and that we can find happiness in out marriages again. As others mentioned, no matter how wonderful our husbands are it’s hard to feel loved when you’re going through this.

  28. I didn’t see this reason posted in the article, but possibly it’s listed in the comments? My husband habitually sexually rejects me because he is passive aggressive. He withholds as a means of control…not just sex, but whatever my need is (compassion through medical crisis, affection, patience, ….etc.) If a passive aggressive person knows what it is you need, (or even if you’ve made an agreement with them concerning your needs) they will set out to stonewall that need from being met. Expectation, of any sort, is met with rejection and withholding. This is a serious personality disorder and causes many wives to feel like they are “losing it.”

    1. I have read about passive aggressive behavior Nd believe that is what I am also experiencing from my husband. I sued to think it was just in the area – now I know it’s any time I want/need him. I recently fell and hurt myself. Instead of coming to my aid and making sure I was ok, he stood at the top if steps with his hands on his hips and just watched me struggle to get up off the ground. I struggled with this behavior for years- he responded this same way when I fell while I was pregnant. After learning about this, an going back an reviewing the things that I’ve seen and heard from him, if realized that I’m not dealing with normal behavior. This is more than that. It’s a need for control, and a need to disconnect. Anything to be independent and not be accountable to anyone. An yet it’s an inward longing to be loved and wanted. It’s very strange behavior. And it can make the spouse feel crazy, unwanted, rejected yet pulled in at the same time. The only way to lib with it is to learn how to not take any of it personally, and leArn how to respond to the behavior in a very matter of fact, unemotional way. I have not learned how to do this, and spend much of my time crying wondering What I did to deserve his anger an rejection.

      1. MHMC,
        Goodness, that makes me so sad!!!!! 🙁

        Sometimes husbands do awful things because they are sinners – not because their wife did something “wrong.” I’m so very sorry that he won’t help you when you have fallen. Praying for wisdom for you and the resources you need.

        1. April, in reading some of your other posts, I’m getting frustrated (and angry, but that’s my problem). Your advice to controlling women lists all the things they do, that they shouldn’t, and all the things they should do, that they aren’t. I appreciate that, because it helps me put into context what I am, and am not, doing. The part that makes me frustrated is this:

          I am a very outgoing person. (Not necessarily controlling, as I like to be independent, but I am the kind of person that when I see something that needs to be done, I just do it). There are things on the list of “dos” that actually make my husband angry. For instance, not offering advice when listening, and just being there for support. My husband seems to take it personally if I don’t respond in a certain way. I’ve tried to figure this out, and continually feel like I am just falling short. Through our interactions, it feels like he WANTS to be treated as a dependent, which is really frustrating to me, because I’m wanting a leader. He wants me to earn money and work full time because it eases the burden off of him to work. However, after his career switch, he started going to school and only works part time. It feels as if your advice- which is great advice- is the exact OPPOSITE of what makes my husband happy. This makes me feel like I’m living with an unbiblical husband (which I’m starting to believe is the case, even though he professes a faith in Jesus). He displays an opposite personality with me and the kids than with anyone else. He is happy and cooperative with others, and becomes angry and disengaged at home. I feel at a loss. I really don’t know how to act. If being a “peaceful wife” makes him angry, do I just keep being a “peaceful wife” until he accepts it, or do I go back to whatever works for him- even though it so unhealthy? (And makes me feel ugly, worthless, and unloved).

          1. MHMC,

            Each husband will have his own sense of what is respectful/disrespectful. I offer lists with examples to get women into the ballpark -especially with husbands who don’t or can’t articulate what is respectful or disrespectful to them. But the most important thing is what your husband needs.

            There are times when a wife is changing and husbands get angry about the changes. Especially if they begin to feel conviction about their own sins. And sometimes husbands will lash out and try to get their wives to go back to the old ways because they can then blame their wives’ sins for their own behavior and don’t have to face their own sins.

            I believe you may need a one on one biblical, Christian counselor for your situation. I think it is a bit more complicated and you may need more specific help.

            Thank you very much for sharing!

            I’m sorry this is so frustrating.

            It is possible that he is fighting you about leading because he may not want the responsibility. It may be that he is eventually glad you give him the leading position. But almost all men hate change, even good change.

            Praying for you to find the resources and counsel that you need and most of all for sensitivity to God’s voice and His Spirit. He can prompt you about what exactly to do and say in a given situation in ways that I never possibly could.

            Much love to you!

            1. Thank you, April. It is helpful- and reassuring- to know that it may not be me. I’m willing to take responsibility for what I’ve done and said- but I’m not really willing to be held accountable for his actions. Your prayers are appreciated.

              1. MHMC,
                Men are sinners, too. A wife may do everything perfectly, and a husband may still choose to sin. It also may be growing pains as you are changing, that forces him to have to face things he hasn’t had to face before. I wish I could hug your neck!!

                Did I tell you about the post, “I’m Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband and He Is Being More Unlocving Than Ever…” If not, you may want to search for it on my home page.

                I don’t know how much of it may apply, but it might give you some things to prayerfully consider. 🙂

  29. Me and my husband have been married for 1 year but together for 8years. Sex was great between us but since we have got married we hardly make love. He always rejects me and comes out with a million excuses. I feel so sad hurt n upset that i dont know what to do anymore. Always question myself maybe hes gone off me or maybe there is another women. I just dont know what to do. Please any advice or help would be grwatly appreciated.

    1. Kiran,
      I am so sorry to hear about this painful situation. :(. I wish no husband or wife ever had to feel this kind of pain. How do you respond when you feel rejected? What does he say? What is your relationship with Christ? What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Do you know if there could be medical issues going on or if he is very stressed, depressed or exhausted? Or is he feeling disrespected? I have a post at the top of my home page about signs a husband may be feeling disrespected that might be helpful. And a post about respect and sexual desire that could be helpful, depending on the situation.

      Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!

      1. Well his excuses are he feels tired, its late (when its only like 10pm), hes not in the mood, often says hes stressed coz of work but thats his own fault he brings his work life home he does not know how to balance his work and personal life. When he rejects me i get angry really angry and it ends up in an argument where i then start accusing him of having an affair. Yes he has often said he does not like my attitude and how i speak to him n i disrespect him but he makes me be a b***h tohim. I am soo fed up inside this is killing me i feel there is no trust on my part coz he does shady movements! Feel so lost, i have no one to talk to and so embaressed about this situation. I feel hes not physically attracted to me 🙁 :-(:'(

        1. Kiran,

          I don’t know if he is having an affair. But if he is not, and you respond to him with hatred, anger and accusations of an affair, you are shooting yourself in the foot, my precious girl! That kind of behavior repels men far, far away.

          You cannot control him. You can only control you. If he is having an affair, I pray you will be able to find out and find godly counsel soon. If he is not having an affair, I pray you might apologize for being so untrusting and disrespectful – without justifying your behavior.

          I have a lot of YouTube videos that may be helpful about nonverbal disrespect and about how to ask your husband for things so he wants to say yes. My channel is “April Cassidy.”

          I think your approach will have to change dramatically if you really want to draw him to yourself instead of approaching him in such a destructive way. The destructive approach comes very naturally to all of us, but it doesn’t work. I pray you will be able to find hope in Christ and learn how to die to your old sinful self and live in the power of Jesus so that you can begin to breathe life, blessing and healing into your marriage and become the wife God desires you to be and that will most bless your husband.

          Check out my post about what is attractive/unattractive to husbands. Maybe it will bless you. You can search “attractive to husbands” on my home page.

          Praying for you to find healing in Christ.

          Also, you may want to check out the post “how to make your husband an idol.” And “how to be an anxious, lonely wife.”

          Much love to you!!

          1. Thank you so much for your guidance.. i will take a look at all recommended…i pray this gets better too x

  30. As a husband, and a Christian husband in a marriage with a Christian woman, I found some very relevant information in your article. I have had problems getting worse and worse for years, and have not had relations with my wife for the last 4 years because of it. I did check on my medical situation, and there is a possibility that it might be my weight – but otherwise everything else seems okay. I haven’t been able to figure it out all this time – but I do know that I am perfectly capable of getting physically aroused – its just very fleeting and once the flag goes down they don’t want to raise again.

    Now, the issues that began even before I was having problems was a sense of rejection, which grew to comments of disgust by my “christian” wife. Negative comments about our relations, during relations and even expressing boredom while we are in the act. She rejected me sexually in this way for a bout 4-6 years, ending it in a way that made me feel like having sex with her was a utility rather than what it began as (two people who were just crazy about each other sharing a great experience) – THAT was all taken away by her attitude. A general attitude of not only wanting to be the “alpha female” but the “alpha male” in our house. She will not listen to anything I say about what she does, but is constantly trying to control me and the house. Its a constant battle with her, passively and overtly depending on the topic. I feel like her attitude is like me drinking saltpeter. I have always been easy going, and tried to have a fair and balanced relationship. I have never been a bully or in any way hurtful towards her. I don’t know why she turned from a person who thought I was special to someone who can’t stand everything about me – but yet wants to hit me over the head with the problem that I can’t have relations with her.

    And the other part is that if I have healed (perhaps it was a temporary issue?), I will never know if things changed because although she wants to use the situation to attack me she doesn’t wan me to try and see if it has changed. In other words, she demands that I magically know I am healed before she will attempt to have sex with me. How am I supposed to know that – I don’t know. But its been another strain in our relationship because I can’t test anything due to her being uncomfortable with me possibly not “making it” again.

    I’m sorry if it bothers some females – but sex is a different animal. A man has to feel like you are turned on by him, or it turns HIM off. This is where you need to be active – you cannot just say “If I wasn’t turned on I…” – no, that doesn’t work. It takes you to make him feel wanted. You can say anything you want but those flags are not going to go up unless certain criteria are satisfied – some of which too much talking is not going to help. You cannot convince your man to become aroused, you cannot argue him into it, and the atmosphere you create based on how he is and how you try to manipulate might negatively affect his sexual ability. Its a basic nature that does not appeal to logic or debate. Now whether or not that is my issue remains to be seen. I’m not a person who thinks on those things all the time. But I know that I do feel there is something not right about going into a sexual experience – some kind of pressure that I didn’t used to have… and not where it should be.

  31. Thank you so much for addressing this difficult issue– bringing in the spiritual aspect is very refreshing and eye opening. I’ve only been with my husband for 3 years and am doing my best to keep myself in shape after the birth of our daughter, but this has increasingly become a bigger and bigger issue for us. We are Muslim but the same basic principles still apply. Perhaps God is doing this to bring me closer to Him and to test my commitment both to Him and to my husband. Everyone is tested in life and this must be one of my tests, but the rejection and the waiting are so hurtful. I wasn’t close to God at the time I met my husband, and I was into the club scene getting lots of attention from men, etc. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that just to be desired again which is completely ridiculous because I’m so blessed to have a great husband and beautiful daughter. But I guess this is how God tests us. Sorry for the long post but I really wanted to thank you for sharing this. If anyone is interested in an ongoing support group to help women dealing with this issue I would be interested. Thanks again and God bless

    1. Kate,

      It is wonderful to meet you!!

      There are precious few resources for wives in this situation, in my view. And it is such a painful thing for any spouse to experience. I am glad you are here. You are welcome to share any time. I can understand that it would be tempting to go back to the place where you felt so desired. But I am glad that you see that there is nothing good that could come from that.

      Congratulations on your baby! And on your marriage.

      I am praying for you – that you might find the hope, peace, joy and healing available in Christ.

      Much love!

    2. In order for God to bless your marriage you must first be a believer in Jesus Christ and have Him as your Lord and Saviour. Please go onto AllaboutGod. Com it is a website put there by the Billy Graham ministry to lead people to Christ.Until you settle the Lordship issue you cannot expect to be blessed in any other area of your life.John 3:16 says for God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

  32. I’ve been married for 30 unhappy years, and have not left my wife because I honestly don’t think the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage. My wife claims to be a Christian, but has admitted to using sex as a weapon against me, describes herself as “hardhearted and not submissive”, and has insisted on separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. Early on in our marriage she announced to me that we could only have sex on Sunday evenings because that was her only free time. I could go on, but I think the point is clear. She is obviously not the submissive, caring wife, and in my opinion should not have married. It’s been over 15 years since she’s touched me in an affectionate manner. I’ve struggled my whole marriage with lust and temptation, but who wouldn’t? You can’t get blood from a turnip as the saying goes. I’ll look back on my marriage as a waste of 50 years and go to my grave cursing my wife for knowingly destroying our marriage with her willful lack of sexuality and affection. I feel as if I’ve never even had a wife, as she is aloof, detached, and lives in her own little world of religious books and the internet. It’s not always the man’s fault.

  33. I am a young wife, only been married 5 months and my husband and I really struggle with this. He deals with health issues that make him not be in the mood for sex. Coupling that with me as a new wife trying to learn the art of respect (something that I thought I understood before marriage, but that totally changes and becomes a whole different thing when you live together) things are challenging and a lot different than I expected. When he doesn’t want sex I tend to feel like he doesn’t want me which isn’t the case, but is certianly what Satan wants me to believe. What advice do you have for me? How can I channel my sexual desires without disrespecting my husband, and his medical concerns that are out of his control?

    1. Allison,

      Yep. I didn’t have issues with respect before marriage – but getting married changed everything! Totally different ball game.

      This is a tough thing. We had a terrible struggle the first summer we got married because I severely sprained my back a week after we got married, and my husband was working on the house we were going to live in with his dad 6 nights per week until 1am. Our honeymoon was glorious, and then, no intimacy for months. I cried constantly and felt so rejected and betrayed. Greg was exhausted working 40 hours per week at his job and then working another 35-40 hours/week on the house. He knew he would hurt me if he tried to be intimate with me. But he never said that, he just stopped touching me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

      Medical problems can be challenging. I hope your husband will talk with his doctor about possible options – as a pharmacist, I can tell you that many, many men take things like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. There are also other options, as well.

      But, in the mean time – I wonder if your husband would be willing to be intimate with you in other ways?

      What do you do and say when you desire him sexually, but he can’t be available to you?

      What does he say about this? I would imagine it is probably a very painful, sensitive, delicate issue for him.

      1. He is usually just exhausted and tired and I desire him. He will say just give me some time to relax and since I work over full time. I can’t wait up for hours and am usually asleep by then or he’ll just say no not tonight. At first I begged and he still knows but I just try to let it go. It still hurts though.

        1. Allison,
          How long has this been going on?

          Have you tried initiating in the morning? Sometimes that is a better time for men.

          I’m so sorry for your pain! Yes, this does hurt. I am praying for wisdom for you both!

          1. Thank you. I really appreciate the prayers. He knows how I feel and I think he really wants to give more of himself but can’t with the migraines insomnia etc. Just pray for the both of us that is so so appreciated.

          1. He’s a full time student and I work at this time. He always has a hard time sleeping and has migraines often. We have tried sleeping medicines but it only makes things worse as far as attitude and desire. Sleeping medicines drain him even worse.

  34. kkr,

    Would she consider going with you to a trusted pastor or godly mentoring couple? Or would she consider reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or For Women Only By Shaunti Feldhahn? In the meantime, Christ CAN give you the power to overcome temptation – and I pray you might seek Him with all your heart. This may be a long process. I pray God might open your wife’s eyes to your needs. But I also pray for you to be able to repent from the sin you are involved in and to focus on becoming the man God calls you to be!


    With the love of Christ,

    1. Kkr,

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Is your wife familiar with 1 Corinthians 7:1-5? Does she know the level of temptation you are facing and how much she could help you in this battle?

      Praying for you both!

  35. I dont even know where to begin … I am a husband for ten years and a farther for almost two now … my marriage is ok at best not great but ok. I was a pastor for about 12 years met my wife in our church. We got married and the first couple of years were heaven fantastic my wife thought and treated me like I was superman then she just flipped to where she was unhappy more often very whiny naggy nothing I could do ever pleased her. I would ask her what I did wrong she would talk to me very condescending and rude ( still does), so one day I decided to retreat emotinall and physically and spiritually and now most of the time when she asks me questions I respond with I don know but I am sure you will figure it out. I used to matter, my opions had value, I used to be important an now I have gone from trying to drink the pain away to finding comfort in porn to contemplating suicide at times even tho I hate suicide still do. I feel ashamed and powerless and forced to hide behind a false facad just to keep the pace. Many times I have tried to say something only to be met at times with teeth and hair to the face so I have come to a conclusion maybe its all true, maybe I am just a joke and I dont do anything to deserve or earn respect. I love reading all your testimonials but also find they are somewhat discouraging due to the fact my wife is always right. Well to wemon kind thankyou for prooving to us men we are not needed wanted and are usless … I guess I was just borne th wrong gender… pray … just pray I hurt so bad and I know KNOW deeply believe I know I am not innocent …. but I am exhausted…

    1. Joey,

      How my heart breaks for your pain, my brother! 🙁

      Thousands of women read this blog. Most of us started out as controlling, disrespectful wives. I was one, too. I want to give you some encouragement. My heart just aches to hear how low you are right now.

      Most likely, your wife’s actions, motives, words and attitudes have very little to do with you and much more to do with her reverence for and submission (or lack of) to Christ. And, most likely, your wife may not have had many, or any, godly examples of Christ-like femininity, biblical submission, respect, etc… We have all absorbed so many destructive messages from our culture. Many women have no idea they are being disrespectful or that disrespect hurts their husbands. I had no clue that I was contributing to my husband becoming more unloving and passive. I thought he was the whole problem, until God woke me up in 2008 to my lengthy list of sin. Before He woke me up, I was completely blind to my control, disrespect, pride, self-righteousness, unbelief, idolatry of self/happiness/my husband/control, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment…I was mortified when God showed me my sin.

      I am sure you know, porn and alcohol won’t fix anything in this painful situation and will only make things worse.

      God’s design for marriage is that husbands are to love their wives unconditionally and wives are to Reapect their husbands u conditionally. That doesn’t mean that wives must respect sin or that husbands must love sin. But, the commands God gives to husbands and wives in Eohesians 5 are not conditional. It does not say, “wives, respect your husband’s if they are doing x,y and z to your satisfaction.” And it does not say, “husbands, love your wives if you feel respected.” We will each be individually accountable for our own obedience to God no matter what our spouse did or did not do.

      Many wives have their husbands, romance, happiness, control or feeling loved as idols. You can search my home page for
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – happiness
      – romance
      – feeling loved
      – control
      – but I’m right!

      Many men have feeling respected, their wife’s happiness, or sex as idols. I don’t know if that is the case in your situation. It is something that I have seen. What I mean is, it is easy for us to take a legitimate God-given need and make that more important in our hearts than anything else. If I have to have this thing to be content or happy, and it is not Christ, I personally know now that I need to let God examine my motives and my heart for idols. Even if my needs are not being met by my husband, I can have contentment in Christ alone. I don’t have to depend on what my husband does or does not do for me to be at peace in Christ. It would be great if my husband met my needs. But even if he doesn’t, I can be unshakable in Jesus.

      Most women who are disrespectful or controlling are powered by big time fear. (You can search “fear” on my home page for posts about this.)

      Many husbands read my site and use it to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages. You are welcome here. I have seen God change husbands first many times and begin to heal marriages through a husband who began to fully submit to and obey God. Of course, I have seen God change wives first many times, too. You have tons of power to breathe healing and life into your marriage IF you are abiding in Christ and filled with His Soirit, walking in obedience to Him. I cannot guarantee God will change your wife when you want Him to. But I can guarantee He will radically change you for His glory. And, if your wife is going to become the godly wife God desires her to be, it may be only after God begins to change you to become the man He desires you to be. You don’t have to be a victim. You don’t have to be discouraged and depressed and turn to worldly things for relief from your pain. Christ is the greatest Treasure! He can meet the deepest needs of your soul in ways your wife, alcohol and porn never could. How I pray you will turn from those destructive pathways and turn fully back to Christ, my precious brother! He is able to fully heal you!!! He is able to flood your heart with I real contentment, peace, joy, acceptance, purpose and abundant spiritual life!
      You cannot control your wife. But you can become the man God calls you to be. And you can, through the power of God’s Spirit, begin to lead her.

      A book that I believe is a great place to start together as husbands and wives is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.that is the book God used to open my eyes to my sin. Another great resource is Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only and Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Men Only. Those books help us understand each other much better as men and women.

      I am praying for you! I pray you will look to Christ alone for fulfillment, identity, purpose, satisfaction, peace and joy. I pray for God”/ greatest glory in your life and marriage!

  36. Wow! So many Christians hurting and indifferent to each others needs. And when we DO know our needs, find excuses that render those needs “non life threatening” and don’t execute or do them. The church could be so much stronger. These are hard times for many. those hard times make it even harder when a partner will not give proper affection. We are weak as a church. Sure there are some rare couples who are doing well, but it seems that many suffer from a lack of faith of what a believer has as expected duties.

    For myself; my wife is in menopause. You wouldn’t know it, she has long dark hair, slender figure and we still have young kids. I am in fit shape but as some may know, unemployed-house dad in grad school. My wife has exhibited some delusional behavior lately. This morning was nothing unusual. refusal for intimacy, then came to me after breakfast and told me that I needed to stop yelling in order for her to feel sexy toward me. She said the 3 (out of 8) kids we have, came to her and said I was scaring them from yelling at the older one (who has autism). He was being disrespectful and I called him out on it. Anyway, I doubted her story and went to each child separately to corroborate the complaint my wife had on my “yelling.” Turns out none of them complained nor recalled me yelling at anyone. This is not the first time.
    needless to say, this adds to my already depressed condition. I am proposing we stop any-what little we do, sexual activity since she is so appalled by my “abusive behavior” that doesn’t exist. She has refused to make efforts to treat her Vaginismus for 9 months and disrespects me so often I am giving up. Oh, we get along ok. We discuss current things and schedule, but I feel labeled as a boisterous, abusive, feared (she claims my autistic 20year old is afraid to admit to people I am abusive towards him, while he has had NO incidents of abuse from me whatsoever). So, while she is mostly ok with conversations and her job, I am targeted as a complete jerk and that is why she will not be intimate with me. I am looking for estrogen high foods now.

    I am officially giving up. While I do not know what that looks like, it does not involve splitting up since we cannot afford it and we have special needs kids. I will not stop going to church, but the smallest excuse will keep me from there.
    I always hoped for a great job to retire from and to be a bible study teacher and be a respected man in the community and at home. None has happened. I wish I could be more encouraging here. I hoped to be a hero in the church. I was going to be a servant with the servant heart. The man!!
    The only relaxation I have left at 52, is fitness.

    I will move into all veg and fruits diet. My waist is already at 34. (6’3,” 205lb guy) I am going for more lean! It’s all I can do. I’m good at it and I can. Alone, but I can and will.
    April has been very encouraging here and I recommend people listen to her logic and scripture she has mentioned.
    I am remembering all the hurting and lonely, affection-starved people here. The Lord has not ever moved on my prayers, but I will mention all of you who are hurting so much. I speak to my Lord daily, though He has not given me a job I so need and desire, I will speak of you all anyway.
    So sad, Christians too.

    1. Jeff,

      Please, please don’t give up on Christ, my brother! Your family needs you to be strong in Him. He DOES answer prayer. It seems to me that you are under attack, as well as your whole family. The battle is an invisible one. I know that you have been through a long time of pain and suffering. But you can be the hero – not in your own power, of course – but in the power of Christ and HIs Spirit working and living in You. I know there may be some issues to work through, possibly some bitterness. But my prayer for you is not for you to give up on Jesus or your family – but to press in closer to Him and to seek His face with all that you have and all that you are. Don’t allow the enemy to win here! You may be the only one in your family who is able to intercede and who is able to pray fervently for God to open the floodgates of heaven to heal your family and marriage. If you are with God, you have all of the power of the universe at your disposal.

      My prayer is for you to be willing to allow God to do any changing He desires to do in your heart – that is where your power is – to focus on your walk with Christ and to allow Him to radically change you. We will pray together for Him to heal and restore your family and marriage, as well. The enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Your wife and children are not the enemy. They are probably his captives. I believe God desires to do great things through you – but there may be a time of refining first, and a time of you learning to seek and trust Him even when the circumstances are still a mess. But I believe God can and will use this time of great trial to strengthen your faith, to refine any dross, to help you to grow to become the man of God He desires you to be that He might use you in mighty ways for His greatest glory.

      If you haven’t, please check out Watchman Nee’s book The Normal Christian Life, and E. M. Bounds books on prayer.

      Much love to you, my brother!

      1. Some inspiration for you who are hurting and seem not to be receiving answers for your prayers from God.

        There are some prerequisites to answered prayer:
        1. A relationship with Jesus Christ. (John 17:3)
        2. Faith that God can and will answer your prayer. (Hebrews 11:6)
        3. Obedience to God’s Word and what He has clearly revealed for you to do. (John 14:23-24)
        4. Repentance of all known sin. If we regard iniquity in our hearts, God will not hear us. (Psalm 66:18)

        Sometimes, there is a delay in God’s answers to our prayer. These are times of testing our faith to prove and refine it. E. M. Bounds describes the importance of delay in his book Prayer and Faith:

        “Faith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honored. It takes God at His Word, and lets Him take what time He chooses in fulfilling His purposes, and in carrying on His work. There is bound to be much delay and long days of waiting for true faith, but faith accepts the conditions. It knows there will be delays in answering prayer, and regards such delays as times of testing. During that time it is privileged to show its mettle, and the unyielding stuff that it is made of…

        (description of the importance of Jesus’ delay in going to Lazarus when he was sick)

        Jesus’ delay was in the interests of a greater good.

        Fear not, O tempted and tried believer, Jesus will come, if patience is exercised and faith holds fast. His delay will serve to make His coming the more richly blessed. Pray on. Wait on. You cannot fail. If Christ delays, wait for Him. In His own good time, He will come, and will not tarry.

        How much patience is required when these times of testing come! Yet faith gathers strength by waiting and praying. Patience has its perfect work in the school of delay. In some instances, delay is the most essential part of the prayer. God has to do many things before He can give the final answer- things that are essential to the lasting good of the one who is requesting favor at His hands.”

  37. Hi, love the post , I came across it while looking to find help to relight the fire in me sexual because finally my wife is a flaming star ,real quick here is the background history been marry for 34 plus years,but she was sexual abuse and had blocked it out untill the second night of our marriage and wow it all came back ,so being I made a vow with God and her but more with God because Iconsider myself a returning child and did not want to mess up with God anymore, so I pour my heart into God and her by reading and buying all the relationships book I could get ,but she would read with me but yet she went to church EVERY Sunday faithful, she tried council, but once they told her that the person was satanic she would not go back bacause the person was a church going family member, so let move to now after get myself to the point where it was ok if we did and ok if we did not she is a flaming star now and I’m a puff dragon with no fire and she is having a big problem with it so Ineed help to get my fire back because Ialmost told her that she can Ihave her freedom and go else where but being I know satan TACTIC I did not let it come out but is trying to find ways to resolve our problem and your post is right on time and point in my case ,rejection low testosterone and disrespected willing to try almost anything as long as it is GODLY.

  38. I was searching the Internet for men, who’s desire might have diminished due to constant rejection, and your blog touched me. My wife and I have just seemed to have a decreasing sex life and it is completely frustrating. We both love and respect each other dearly but sexually I am just exhausted. Every time I bring it up the issue of sex the topic of size comes into play. I am too large and it hurts. I consider myself average but after 8yrs I imagine she would be used to it…….. I’m tired!

    1. HRN,

      I am so sorry for what a difficult situation this would be for you both. 🙁 I do hope that she might be willing to talk with her OB/GYN and perhaps they might have some suggestions? If length is the main issue, there are some devices that help with that available online.

  39. Thank God I have found this page.I cannot express to you how comforting this is for me to read. Thanks again. I believe God has lead me to this website. I have been silently suffering but this is like a dose of medicine for my sanity. Thanks again precious lady. I will try your suggestions.

    1. Lanette,
      You are most welcome! You are not alone in this, as you can see from the comments. I pray God might give you His wisdom and healing. Much love to you! 🙂

  40. Thank you so much for this article! I needed it so badly. As a wife of a man who struggles with depression and stress and is a recovered porn addict, I have been rejected by him many times when I’ve clearly initiated. It is very painful. This article was very encouraging to me. Just to know that other women go through this too is encouraging. I can so relate to feeling like something is wrong with me because all the Christian books I’ve read on instance tell the woman to up her game when my marriage is the complete opposite. Again, thank you so much for your article!

    1. Kathleen,

      I’m so thankful this blessed you. You may want to search “porn” on my home page search bar – I think some of those posts may also be helpful.

      You are most welcome and loved here. It’s wonderful to meet you!

  41. Great, well thought out article. Neither spouse should sexually reject the other. Your title is apropos: sexual rejection is devastating (and destructive) to the love that the rejected spouse feels towards his/her spouse, and that is very harmful to the marriage.

  42. Joe,

    So heartbreaking! I hate to hear about the pain you have both experienced. 🙁

    I am not sure if you are talking about a porn addiction or sexting or strip clubs or what, exactly. But – here is what I have seen over the past few years as I have conversed with thousands of women and hundreds of men:

    “We are most tempted to sin when we are being sinned against” – Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage.

    What usually happens is a sinful cycle. For instance: a husband feels ignored or neglected. He succumbs to temptation of some type. This causes the wife to feel unloved and unsafe. She feels that trust has been broken. So she withholds herself even more. He feels more ignored and neglected and goes further into his lust and sin. She respects him even less and trusts him even less and pulls away more.

    Both husband and wife usually contribute in some way to sin.

    And yet, God never gives any of us a free pass to sin just because someone sins against us.

    If I feel unloved and feel that my husband is not giving me enough attention, I may be tempted to look to another man for attention – but God does not condone me to sin. I will stand accountable to God for my obedience to Him and for every thought, every word, and every deed no matter what my husband does or does not do. He will be accountable to God for his sin and his obedience to God. We will be judged by God individually. So even if my husband ignores me or neglects me or refuses to meet my needs, God holds me to my end of my marriage covenant and does not excuse sin in my life.

    In our marriage, my husband became very passive and unplugged. I didn’t know that it was largely due to my disrespect and control. He never confronted me about my sin. I felt justified all those 14+ years to treat my husband the way I did because I was hurting and felt unloved. He felt justified to unplug and be passive because I was hurting him and he felt disrespected. But neither of us are justified to sin in God’s eyes.

    God calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her selflessly and with agape love no matter what their wives do or do not do (Eph. 5:22-33). And God calls wives to honor and respect their husbands so that the word of God is not maligned (Eph. 5:22-33, Titus 2:5). But He does not call husbands to love their wives’ sin and He does not call wives to respect their husbands’ sin.

    If one spouse confronts the other about his/her sin, and that person refuses to repent, we are to follow Matthew 7:1-5 and then Matthew 18:15-17. There can be cases where there is unrepentant sin where a spouse may need to separate until the other spouse is willing to repent and change and allow God to transform them to be more like Jesus.

    I don’t teach men on my site, but many men use my site to reverse engineer things in their marriages and their relationships with Christ. But the things God teaches men and women are often similar. With wives, I focus on what God calls us to do, our faithfulness to God, our obedience to Him, our holiness, our willingness to repent of all sin, our willingness to allow God’s Spirit to be in control instead of the flesh no matter what our husbands are doing. We are called to be godly wives and God will reward us for our obedience even if our husbands don’t change and don’t meet our needs in this life time. The same is true for husbands.

    1. Joe,

      Perhaps, as you allow God to change you and fully submit to His Lordship, your wife will see, in time, that you are being transparent, trustworthy, and Christlike. And perhaps her heart may soften to you. Our God is a God who is able to fix broken people and relationships.

      We will pray that God might work in you both forHis greatest glory, my brother!

      1. Well,
        I love her so, i feel like i have been ripped in half, she threw me out of ghe house in june of 2014 and divorced me in sept 2014 im devastate, i taught her how to drive, her sin of rejection caused my sin of infidelity, i never had intercourse but did some stupid things, shes a Christian and if she didnt love me then that makes our children bastards, doesnt it….
        Why would a Christian do something God despised ?
        Apparently her pastor and his wife pastor (non bible ) told her God wouldnt be mad at her for divorcing me…
        How dare them, tell her that, they never called or ever talked to me, they stuck up for her ,because all the tithe checks were in her name about $7000.00 per yr to a small church….
        They never once talked to me, i attended that church frequently……
        They took the side of the checks, her checks, wven tho the that money was half mine, i hope both the pastor ned and his pastor wife sue burn in hell….. they could of stopped this, and choose the money instead, now i all alone at 63 crying myself to bed every night…. my punishment just doesnt seem to fit my crime…..
        How can a man go on being ripped in half bleeding profusely and my other half , live in my home i worked so hard for ? She still getting my ss check for $700.00 per month, thats all thats keeping me going, is thinking theres hope, because i dont think she would keep that money unless theres hope… unless shes that angry and vindictive…. Joe

        1. Joe,

          My dear brother! I can feel the depth of your pain in your words. I am SO VERY sorry for the pain you are both going through.

          And yet, I want to be really careful here – because it would be easy to go off on some unsound theology in a painful situation like this. And unsound theology will make things much worse instead of us listening to the truth and the truth setting us free.

          Your children were born in wedlock – so they are not “bastards.”
          The truth is, her sin of rejection increased your temptation to infidelity – but she cannot cause you to be unfaithful. That is a decision you made. Her rejection was a decision she made. She probably felt justified in that because she felt unloved or something. We all tend to justify our sin. But God does not do that. We are each guilty of our own sin and accountable to God for it.

          It is only when we begin to focus on our own walk with Christ and our own sin and what God wants to change in us that we can begin to heal – in my experience.

          We all do things God despises. He despises all sin. Your sin. My sin. Your wife’s sin. It’s all completely repulsive to God. Why do any of us ever sin in any way if we know Christ?

          I wish that they had talked with you, as well. Perhaps you can speak to them? But I am very concerned about the hatred that is in your heart – it will destroy you, my dear brother! I pray you will run to Christ and find freedom in Him and abundant spiritual life! I pray for His healing for your soul and for your marriage for His glory!

          Much love in Christ to you!

          How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
          I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually

          1. Apachejoe,

            I’m so sorry that you feel like the pastor and his wife didn’t try to help you or involve you or support you. I can understand why that would be very upsetting. I’m glad that you don’t hate them. Hatred is so very toxic!
            I”m really glad you have a strong support system and people who are praying for y’all. That is awesome!

            How is your time with God going?

            Jesus does say we are to love Him so much that in comparison, our love for other people looks like “hate” but there are many commands about that we are to love others and not hate them. He is not literally talking about hating anyone in that passage. The second greatest command is for us to love others as ourselves.

            There is every reason for hope in Christ, my dear brother! God can restore and heal you. I pray that you might discover His peace and joy and walk in holiness by the power of His Spirit working in you. I pray for healing for your soul and your wife’s soul and for reconciliation in God’s perfect timing – and that your marriage might bring great glory to God.

  43. I really need help with this I’ve been married for thirteen years love my husband to pieces he started with type 2 dibeties. Before then we were struggling through this issue with sex at first I thought it was me the blame am I to heavy am I attractive anymore what’s wrong with me I would buy sexy lingerie make beautiful dinners I always cook but I would do things to enhance the mode nothing turn hI’m on he wouldn’t talk to me nothing I became very frustrating very frustrating!!! What the World!!!! He doesn’t talk!! I had to force it out of him through a dear friend of his he recommended us to see a special doctor so we did and he prescribed something for him and glory!! It work for a while it was very expensive we couldn’t afford it anymore then the dibeties got worst so we haven’t had sex for three years now what can I do this is crazy I need much prayer a pastor wife goes through so much listening to other people problems praying for others who prays for us right now I lay before God crying I don’t understand he doesn’t touch me hold me he doesn’t eat with me watch TV I’m alone all the time please pray for us feeling lonely.

    1. Deborah,

      So heartbreaking! Is he willing to cut out sugar from his diet?

      Diabetics tend to develop impotence as a complication. 🙁 There is almost nothing more depressing to a man and more emasculating than that. I would imagine that he may be very depressed, discouraged, and feel extremely defeated. If he sees you really upset with him and sad a lot, that probably contributes to his feelings of depression and like he is not good enough and is not meeting your needs.

      Has he shared what he needs? Does he have anyone to pray with him and encourage and minister to him – a man?

      Is he willing to talk about his medical situation with you at all?

      How do you respond when he doesn’t meet your needs and you feel very lonely?

      Sending you the biggest hug! You are not alone in this – many, many people are going through very similar fiery trials, my precious sister!

      I will pray for you right now!

  44. Not sure if it site is still operating but married 15 years have sex twice a year if I’m luckky!!!!! feel so angry lonely ugly n goin crazy need to finally talk please if u could

    1. Suezanne,

      I am so very sorry to hear about what is happening in your marriage. 🙁 Are you dealing with addictions or medical issues? I’m happy to talk with you about this.

      Much love to you!

  45. Thanks for the post. Everything you say is from the lord,I just don’t nt know what to do with my husband whose turned me away year now almost five years. Yes I have had to learn to give all to jesus and he loves us to ancwith that greater peace . by now I hear he had affair from a caller I found to be true still forgiven ancpray for him and us but it hurts so bad ,I love jesus and him.he will not talk to me I mean the silent treatment and when leaves house if i text but he don’t,nt return callls back again for arroubd a year now but put n jesus hands, as of last month he served me divorse papers not telln me anything after thirty four years marriage ,except as told ,it’s all about jesus to me,I try to let him know and show him I love and respect him as a person ,its like its all about him and not us. am so grieved and have no clue what to do next becauseeeee, he never showed up for court date so I am left wondering what next, I love seeing Jesus within n my our lives I thought he was same but not, so I stopped even being able to be happy about him arround him.

    I got yearssss ask him to go out together whatever he want to do or just dinner but nothing theses past maybe seven years I ask him for us to seek help he tells me no. I am marryed yet its like not at all.he goes to work comes home leaves say goes out with the guys to the shop etc.and then comes home and sleeps on sofa . I have put this n jesus hands and self daily. But I need Jesus wisdom daily to just believe him got the best but I got to move on within with him .any jesus centered advice would be helpful along with blood jesus prayers for me and us.sorry so long ,I am n need of sound holyghost filled judgement on what to do next I am exspecttting a mirqcliuos for us turn around ,is that foolishness on my part as some Christian leaders tell me it is while others agree with me for jesus to do it thank you so much for Christ centered help amen

    1. Tina,

      I’m not really sure what is going on with your husband. I’m so very sorry for your pain. 🙁 My heart aches for you, my dear sister!

      Have you gone to godly counseling?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      This is something I can’t know for you. It will take much prayer, maybe fasting, and seeking God, allowing Him to prompt you about what He desires you to do each moment. I know God has the power to change your husband and heal your marriage. That is my prayer. I desire for you to wait on the Lord and obey whatever He shows you to do – in the Bible and as you seek Him in prayer.

      Much love to you!

  46. Very insightful blog!

    I have this issue but in reverse. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong towards my wife. She says she is happy and still desires me but her actions show she is happy but does not desire me anymore.

    We sit and have deep emotional conversations almost daily… spend almost every evening together and I listen to all of her suggestions but nothing works. She has even said she doesn’t know what she wants

    I’m afraid she no longer wants me in a sexually way and I’m weakening in my fight against lust for other women and more and more tempted to look at pornography and I hate it. I want to live for God and I do not want to ever have an emotional affair or start looking at porn regularly but the temptation could become to great soon.

    1. Anon986,

      My brother! I’m so sorry for your pain. 🙁

      The pharmacist in me wonders if she is on medications that may be affecting her libido – anti-depressants, birth control pills, etc…? Has she talked with her OB/GYN? There may be a low testosterone issue going on. If the relationship is going well and you are giving her lots of emotional connection and you are doing the things she suggests but she is still struggling to have sexual desire – my first question would be to examine to see if something medical may be going on.

      Is she very stressed or depressed? Has this happened recently? It is a change from before? I’m not sure what age she is, but it could be that she could be in peri-menopause if she is in her 40s or 50s, especially.

      Is she willing to read resources for wives about this? If so, may be a big blessing.

      I don’t want you to be tempted into sin! Please stay as close to Christ as you can – He can empower you to overcome the temptation. I pray you might come together as a team to find a good solution for this. And prayer is certainly a good place to start, as well. 🙂

      In Him,

  47. Thank you for a twist on this topic. My 5 yr marriage is at a tough point. I’ve been “waiting” for intimacy, sex with my husband and pursuing him in creative very obvious ways ( lingerie, tasteful photos for him, speaking his love language.) I have been so patient with him, speaking openly about my hurt and frustrations and temptations when he rejectes me. I am a runner and boxer, in the best shape of my life! He’s told me he’s totally attracted to me. Our bigger issue is his constant exhaustion. He knows it but doesn’t change it. He goes on “crazy cycles” of up to 2 weeks at a time when he doesn’t even know what is going on in my life, much less even wanting sex with me. Add in his temper and one instance of physical abuse and I’m just over it. He has been very selfish and thoughtless of me. So here is my BIGGER problem. He is just recently the last few weeks making a consistent effort to pay attention to what’s going on in my life and initiating sex a little more. Asking me to forgive him. Made open his problems with his men’s group, even the one time physical abuse and all his verbal crap. I want to but I have this deep built in aversion to him that scares me because I can’t connect with him at all. He isn’t my friend and he certainly isn’t my lover. I don’t want to participate anymore, I don’t want to try! Help!

    1. Jen,

      It’s wonderful to meet you! My heart breaks to hear about the issues y’all have had in your marriage. Goodness, so much pain!

      I’m really glad that he is going to a men’s group and trying to be accountable and seeking to change. That sounds like steps in the right direction. 🙂

      If you don’t feel safe or don’t believe you can trust your husband – maybe it is time to involve a godly, trusted, counselor to help you and your husband rebuild the trust and to walk this healing journey with you?

      How is your walk with God going?

      Do you believe that you are safe now?

      Much love to you!

  48. Just wanted to ask for prayers in this area. I am trying to find my completeness in Christ. Hard not to want sex. It has been 3 weeks. Many months ago I asked him to read Sheet Music. I marked it up with thoughts and questions. He hasn’t touched it. I don’t know whether to bring it up or not. He doesn’t like me to initiate that much. I can walk around naked and he will just fall asleep. I know that he is extremely stressed right now, but he has been for such a long time. Just pray that God will take this need away and that I will concentrate on being the best disciple of his that I can be.

    1. Elizabeth,

      I will lift you and your husband up in prayer right now!

      How are the other interactions going in your marriage?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Sending you a huge hug, my dear sister!

      1. Other interactions are fine. He hugs and kisses me. We never fight. He confides in me.

        My walk with Christ is good.. He is enough.

        1. Elizabeth,

          I pray God might show him or you a way to reduce his stress and I pray for healing sexually in the marriage! I also thank God that He is able to use painful times like this to draw us closer to Himself and to refine us and grow us in our faith. I pray for His greatest glory for you both!

  49. April,
    My husband has not touched me going on Ten months. Touch is one of my love languages. It hurts so very much. I’ve lost 60 pounds. Mostly as a result of not eating. I’ve gone to Christian counselor’s and still seeking help. My husband has been unfaithful with multiple partners. This is not the Godly man I so respected. I realize now he was on the throne of my heart. I’m working so very hard April. One way I know I’ve committed sin is we would argue the day after wonderful sex. I felt insecure the day after like was I good enough or performed well.

    He does not want sex as often as I but, as I said I had no idea that he was going outside our marriage. He also sexts which I know little about. It’s just as wrong as being unfaithful. Some nights lately I cry. I can’t sleep for the deep hurt that I feel.

    I love my husband so very much. This person that I know is not my husband! Please pray for me! I’ve worked so very hard April. My relationship with Christ is back to where it should be. I see my husband’s needs as he battles cancer. Please pray for me sisters on Christ. My heart is breaking. I need new strength. I’ve come so far but, I suddenly feel such rejection and pain. I want so much to win my husband by my behavior. There are no compliments or touch. There is much criticism. I rebuke the devil daily and have walked through my house in every room rebuking the devil. He can not have my family!

    1. Vickie G.,

      Oh no!!!!!!! He is still being unfaithful, my dear sister?

      What do your counselors suggest to do?

      What do you believe God desires you to do?

      It sounds like your husband is in such spiritual bondage. Let’s all pray together for God to release him, to open his eyes, to bring him to godly sorrow and mourning over his sin, and to bring him to real repentance and conviction. Let’s pray that God will bring him to regeneration and healing in Christ!

      I pray also for God’s wisdom for you. I know you want to take care of him as he is so very sick. I also realize if he is involved in unrepentant infidelity, there may need to be some healthy boundaries put in place (by you) out of respect for your marriage covenant, and for yourself. Ultimately, only God can open his eyes. But I do pray that God will empower you to be the wife He desires you to be and that He will draw you closer and closer to His heart.

      Sending you the biggest hug, my dear sister!

  50. We have only been married for two months. We met at church, dated for three years, and faithfully waited until we were married to have sex. But now, two months later, I find myself often rejected. If he doesn’t feel like being intimate, I don’t get anything at all. It hurts so bad, I feel so undesired sometimes. In the times leading up to the wedding he’d tell me how excited he was to finally be with me. But all of that’s changed.

    If I try talking to him he gets defensive and it just starts a fight. Sometimes I hug him and he just stands there, or rolls his eyes when I go to kiss him. He has no idea how much this hurts. I’m sure he loves me, I respect him, I do everything I can for him, and I know he’s not looking at porn.

    Our marriage brought about a lot of big changes for him, but it did me too. We both work hard, and sometimes I just need him when I come home from a long day. I’ve been seeking God….but I don’t know what to do…

    1. Katie,

      Congratulations on your new marriage! 🙂

      You know what? I so relate to you, my precious sister… things began to go wrong 1 week into our marriage. We waited until our wedding night to be intimate, as well. Had 3 awesome days of a honeymoon, and then came home and lots of problems started happening. I severely sprained my back. Greg and his dad were working on an old house for us 6 nights per week until 1am after working their full time jobs. Greg stopped talking to me, touching me, or kissing me goodnight. I cried all the time. I tried to make him come back to me. The more I pushed and pressured him, the farther away he went. I had no idea I was disrespecting and repelling him. He had never seen me act like this. I had never seen him act like this. We had no one to turn to to help us. And there was no internet to research these things on!

      Would you be able to talk a bit more about what is going on? What has changed for you both? Is he super stressed at work? Are you coming across as needy and clingy? Is it possible you may be making your husband an idol in your heart?

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      It sounds like he may be feeling disrespected. If you get a chance – check out the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page – maybe that might shine some light on something?

      I’m glad to walk beside you on this journey, my dear sister! 🙂 Sending you the biggest hug!

      1. Thanks for responding 🙂
        Soon after I read this article I did look at your post on disrespect. When I pray, I ask God to change me, not him. I don’t feel that I’ve been disrespecting him, but sometimes I feel like maybe I domineer or intimidate him unintentionally. I truly don’t mean to, my pastor talked about respect in pre-marital counseling, and everyday I pray for him and build his confidence. He works full time so I can finish my last year of nursing school. We both are from a small town. I’m used to the big city but he wasn’t. I know he’s unhappy here, and it’s partially my fault because I have to finish school. As far idolatry…I don’t think I’m making him an idol. He’s not always a very open and emotional guy, so I was prepared for some lack in emotional intimacy, but the decrease in physical intimacy completely caught me off guard. I never though that I would be dealing with that. My relationship with God is solid, and every day I ask Him to make me a better wife. Maybe I am missing it somewhere…I just don’t know where.

        1. Katie,

          Hmmm… What expectations do you believe you have?

          Can you tell what different expectations your husband may have?

          What does he not like about being in the city? how many hours per week is he working? Does he like his job? Is he sleeping okay? Any medical issues?

          Has he voiced anything negative to you? What does he say during arguments?

          How do you approach him about the lack of physical intimacy issue? What do you say, what tone of voice do you use? Do you think he feels pressured or like he is a failure in your eyes?

          Is it possible he just didn’t know what his sexual appetite would be and maybe it is a bit lower than he expected once he got married?

          What happens if you wait and let him initiate – not resentfully, but graciously?

          Much love to you! I am glad to try to hash this out with you. 🙂


          1. Katie,

            What was his parents’ marriage like?
            What was your parents’ marriage like?

            Is one family a lot more affectionate than the other?

            What is your husband’s general personality? Introverted or extroverted?

            1. Hi! Sorry it’s taken so long to respond. I’ve been crazy busy.

              I don’t think my expectations are too high. I guess I just expect to be loved and desired. We were talking about intimacy yesterday and he said sex just isn’t a big deal to him. In a past fight he’s said I should be happy with what I get when I get it.

              As far as the city, he says he just doesn’t like the business, our home town is much smaller and slower. He’s very laid back. He works 40 hours a week at a job he does very well. He says he likes it, but he always tells me when and if he has a bad day. When we’re just talking he says I’m good wife and I’m doing everything right, and that there’s nothing more I can do to please him.

              However, when we fight he says he didn’t know I’d be this complicated and that I make everything a big deal. I’ll admit I get worked up about some little things, but I’ve gotten a lot better at not nagging (especially since we’ve been dating!). We had a talk yesterday about physical intimacy, I told him that he takes very good care of me monetarily and even emotionally, but that I really needed him physically. That’s when he said that sex wasn’t a big deal to him. It is to me and I get so mad and frustrated that I can’t have anything because he doesn’t feel like it. There’s no compromise.

              We had a good talk yesterday and right afterwards he started being intimate and touching me, and then he just stopped all of a sudden. I tried to make a joke of it and said “hey! I’m not a light switch, you can’t just turn me on and leave me there”! (lol). He laughed and went back to his phone. I build him up and encourage him everyday. He doesn’t initiate intimacy. I have to ask for hugs and kisses most of the time. I thought his sexual appetite would be a lot bigger!

              He said all the time before marriage how much he wanted me and couldn’t wait until we were married. We both come from divorced homes, and when we got married, we chose to never make divorce an option. His dad was physically and emotionally abusive to his mom, and he ended up being raised by his mom in a single parent household. He decided as a teenager that he would always respect women and refused to turn out like his father.

              My parents divorced when I seven. My dad was emotionally assaultive and my mom had an affair. She would bring me with her to cheat on my dad with the man that would eventually become my own abusive stepfather. I know that’s not okay, and I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in “The One.”

              My husband has all of those qualities….I just feel alone. I feel so alone. I don’t even want to ask him anymore. I thought that maybe he didn’t want intimacy because he didn’t want me to get pregnant. We both decided that we don’t want children (we’d rather foster), but I’m already on birth control for PCOS. I’m a bigger girl…not huge, and he says he thinks I’m beautiful, but I feel so undesired and it’s really taken a hit on my self-esteem. I keep praying, I tell God that I trust Him with my marriage and my husband…the waiting is just so painful. I guess I just want my husband to love me the way I love him. I would do anything for him. I know he’s a gift from God.

              Sorry for the super long post!

              1. Katie Black,

                Thank you so much for answering those questions – this helps me understand a lot more. 🙂

                When you say that you expect to be loved and desired – that idea probably has a whole page worth (or more) of unwritten expectations that you have in your mind of the things that you want that make you specifically feel loved and desired, I would guess.

                It is entirely possible that your husband does love and desire you – but that his definitions and expectations are just very different from yours.

                It makes things a lot more complicated that you both had the examples of marriage that you did. That breaks my heart! 🙁 It doesn’t sound like your husband had a good role model for what it means to be a loving, godly husband. And you had a lot of poor examples, also. I would guess that you may feel even more insecure and have more issues with trust after what you have experienced?

                Did y’all have some godly premarital counseling?

                Do you know if your husband is dealing with any porn addiction or medical problems that could cause his libido to go down?

                Has he said how often he would like to be intimate?

                I wonder if y’all might be willing to read some books together? Like maybe “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or “For Men Only” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn (if reading about men being visual freaks you out, please just skip that chapter for now. Lower drive men don’t always have as much temptation in that area).

                It sounds to me like y’all have very different expectations. I think you may find a lot of freedom in laying down many of your expectations of your husband. I also think that you will probably need to be pretty patient with him because probably most of the only physical touching he saw with his parents was abusive. I wonder how that may have impacted his view of intimacy in marriage?

                I can tell you this – if you try to pressure him or demand sex or you approach him with anger, bitterness, resentment, and condemnation – you will repel him.

                Has he talked about what he needs?

                Oh goodness, I really hate that he left you hanging like that. 🙁 No fun!!!!

                What would happen if you allow him to set the pace a bit more for sex and patiently wait until his appetite tells him he wants intimacy with you?

                Waiting is painful – but sometimes it is the most important part of God’s answer to our prayer. He uses that time of waiting for us to learn the sufficiency of Christ and to learn to trust Him more and grow in our faith.

                Do y’all have a godly mentoring couple you meet with?

                What do you do when you feel alone, my dear sister?

                Marriage is hard. We all enter marriage with so many expectations – and don’t realize our spouse has just as many, but they are not the same as ours. There is MUCH dying to self in marriage.

                Here is another post that may be helpful about what we can do when we are feeling deprived in our marriages.

                I’m always glad to hash through things with you any time. I pray you might embrace this opportunity to become more like Jesus and to draw closer to God – and that you might be able to focus on becoming the woman and wife God calls you to be – rather than focusing on what you want your husband to do for you. When you focus on what you can control – there is much power. When you focus on what you can’t control (him) – you will remain very frustrated and stuck.

                Much love to you!

    2. Your story really resonates with me (and ironically we also have the same name). I’ve been married 4 years and have a daughter that’s almost 2, but even before I was pregnant this was an issue. When I met my husband I wasn’t religious at all and we didn’t wait for marriage, but then I became closer to God and we decided we should take a break until we got married on paper. The break was about 1 month and when we finally got married he wasn’t in a hurry, in fact nothing happened on that night. He will at least tell my that he finds me attractive but it still hurts because even though our mind can understand, sometimes our hearts can’t. Thankfully we have been able to compromise although we still have ups and downs (and arguments about it) and I hate being the one to initiate 99% of the time. He uses porn which really isn’t helping, but I try not to nag him about that because he knows it’s wrong. Finally I’m starting to see this experience as a test and a lesson from God to bring me closer to Him, only seeking him instead of the fleeting happiness of this world. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and i hope you are able to find a compromise with your husband. Sometimes I try to bring it up in a more joking and lighthearted way because understandably men can feel inadequate when dealing with this issue. Anyway, I’m praying that things get better for you soon

  51. Hello. My husband has refused me for ten years. He announced to me about a year ago, that: “God had commanded him, to make love to me.” God must have changed His mind, as I am still waiting. He refuses to support me emotionally as well. My mother recently passed, and he refused to support me emotionally through my trial and to attend the funeral with me – forcing me to attend to all arrangements, etc, on my own – I received wonderful help from friends and spiritual advisors – and I felt God’s presence, with me.

    A long story short, I met someone at my mother’s funeral, who was extremely attentive, wanted to spend quality time with me – to take my mind off of the previous day’s events and made his intentions very clear, as to where he wished this to lead to. He was very persuasive, yet, I turned him down. I ended up spending the day after alone – in my hotel room and lonely, telling myself that this was only right. However, deep down, I regret not allowing myself some comfort, at a time when I so desperately needed it.

    My husband is only not concerned with the fact that, I am not being nice to him, caring nothing for my pain and grief. I think I really need someone to tell me, that, as a Christian woman, I should continue to carry on, as I am and not succumb to temptation, because I know, if presented with another opportunity, I don’t think I could be as strong, again. Thank you for reading, and God Bless you all.

    1. Star,

      Oh goodness! What a painful situation, my precious sister!!!!! 🙁 My heart breaks for you. Does he have medical problems going on? Or do you know why he has refused you for a decade?

      How are things between you in other areas?

      I’m so thankful that you turned that other man down. What a disaster that would have been!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      I would love to encourage you to check out a free download of the book Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. I believe it will greatly bless you and strengthen your walk with Christ. 🙂

      Also, check out “Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord”


      “When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

      Much love and the biggest hug to you! Continue to be faithful to Christ! You will never regret that. God will reward you for your obedience and faithfulness in heaven. You don’t have the power in your flesh to overcome temptation, but if you are walking in total submission to Christ, He can empower you to walk in victory. 🙂

  52. We used to be almost every night then it’s down to once a month. He rejects me all the time. “I’m tired” that’s what he says “sometimes it easier or faster to just handle myself” that’s the other excuse… he would rather watch porno. I’m a submissive wife I think sometimes to submissive but I do everything for him. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. He hardly kisses me anymore. He doesn’t ignore me, everything in our marriage is great, we talk, do stuff together but the sex isn’t there. And when we do he always tells me how great it was but if it was that great why only once a month. I’m beyond depressed over it.

    1. Anonymous,
      So painful! 🙁 How I wish I could give you a hug, my sister!

      What is your definition of being “submissive” would you say? There is definitely a point where I believe wives can be “too submissive” and that is a problem. Just as much of a problem as a wife being too controlling and dominating, like I was for a long time in our marriage.

      Have you done much studying on the effects of porn addiction on a man’s libido with his wife? From your very brief description, my first thought is that a porn addiction is probably what is shutting down his desire for you. I can share more about this if you haven’t studied up on it yet, if you would like.

      Is he also really stressed, sleep-deprived, or working too much?

      How long have you been married? How long have things been like this? How long has he been watching porn?

      What does he say when you say you would like to have sex more and that you miss having sex with him?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

      1. I definitely think it has to do with porn and the fact he is tired. I know this. And I’ve told him I’m frustrated, I need him. I’ve put myself out there a few times a week and still get rejected. I told him it hurts and he always says he is sorry… we do believe in God and have a relationship and I take my vows seriously. I do everything for him, cook, clean, make his lunch for work, I take care of our child and most of the time my step children, I work full time… I do it all. But I do it all because love is not a feeling but an action and I show my love through action. I’d do and have done so much for him so the rejection has really hurt. And it’s been going on for a year now. Now it’s gotten worse with the porn. I don’t know what to do.

        1. unnamed wife,

          I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing! 🙁 When a spouse withholds sex purposely, it hurts. Deeply. And it is a sin against the other spouse and God (I Corinthians 7:3-5).

          Have you done any studying about porn or looked at any resources for Christian wives whose husbands are addicted to porn?

          I invite you to search my home page for “porn” for some resources.

          Also, has resources for spouses of those who are addicted that may be quite helpful.

          Have you ever asked him to go to counseling with you if he is unwilling to change?

          Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin.

          How are you doing spiritually, my dear sister?

          Much love to you!

          1. Spiritual not so good. Other things in my life are bad but here is the thing, I have this great husband who helps me through it all. He lifts me up when I am down . That’s why the rejection hurts so bad. I will have to study about the porn and see if there is a good non harmful embarrassing way to approach my husband about this. I seriously before I read your article thought it was because of me, because I’ve gained 10lbs because I wasn’t doing enough around the house because we’ll I blamed myself but I think it’s the porn. He has been watching it since we got together (5yrs) and I can always tell when he does t watch it often because he wants me.

            1. unnamed wife,

              You can work on your own end of things. You can stay in good shape and look amazing. But if your husband is addicted to porn – he will still have no appetite for a real life wife. That is what porn does. It destroys a man’s ability to be aroused and attracted to real women and changes the nerve pathways in the brain. It is an addiction. Yes, please do study those posts. There are ways you can offer support to your husband. Some suggestions are in this book – I have a post about the book here.

              Would you like to talk about where you are spiritually? I want you to find spiritual healing in Christ, my precious sister. I’m here if you would like to hash through some more things together.

              Much love to you!

  53. Many years ago my wife told me that sometimes when we’re intimate, “it doesn’t seem like we’re making love it seems like it’s just sex”. Is that so wrong? That kinda took the “fun” out of love making for me.

    1. Erik,

      It sounds like that was really painful to hear.

      I think sometimes husbands and wives can have very different expectations and priorities about intimacy on every level. Sometimes, we can be prone to think that if our spouse doesn’t do things just like we do, they don’t “love us the right way.” But many times, it is not a matter of one person doing things “right” or “wrong” but just that we are different. I wonder if that could be what was going on?

      Thanks for sharing!

  54. Hi April,

    Its Faith, I was emailing you about a month ago on the jealousy post.

    I have a problem that I’m not sure how to deal with. Last week I noticed a decline on my husband initiating. He seems to prefer oral sex to me, or at least it seems that way. we have talked about it several times in our marriage and he says its easier and less work for him. or that he is just tired. so in the last few months we have been intimate about 2 or three times a week (together an d usually I give him oral sex once a week. Last week though he only didn’t initiate so I did and he just wanted oral sex. Then last night again I thought we were going to be together and he just wanted oral sex. we got into it as i told him i was feeling rejected. he said he was just tired. in the past he would usually make love to me after we talked or argued or in he morning he would initiate.

    He didn’t do either so this morning I was hurt and angry wondering what was going on? I asked him and again said he was tired. I asked if there was anyone else or porn as he has struggled with this (porn) and he said no. Just not like him. I’m kinda freeking out. I noticed him since last week not as affectionate with me during the day too.

    so i came to read some post and read this one and one of the comments talked about a woman talking about her past lovers. I just realized last weekend we talked about my first boyfriend who I had a baby with. We were talking about abortion and he asked if i considered one i said no because we loved each other and I also told him the my boyfriend said he was going to get me pregnant so that no one will have me. then my husband said well you let him. I was surprised by his response.

    I told him more about my relationship with my childs father that we were going to get married and how i broke it off. We have been married for 22 years and i don’t think i ever talked about this with him. I’m wondering if this is why he is distancing himself from me. what do you think? I wonder if he was hurt by what i said or just the thought of us being intimate.

    I need some advice as i am getting angry and needy and hurt. We rarely fight and i don’t want to. but not sure what to think. Am i being selfish, is he or is God putting us through this. not sure who to direct my anger. I don’t want to be angry but i am.

    1. faith,

      I’m so sorry things are painful right now. 🙁 I don’t know your husband’s heart. I don’t know if he is actually just exhausted – that is possible. Or if he is hiding something. Or if he is feeling very hurt over the information about your child’s father that is new information to him.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Have you shared that you would really love to be intimate with your husband in a non-pressuring, positive kind of way? That you miss regular sex? It is important to respectfully share what you need without being negative or disrespectful. And I think it may be wise to be prepared to ask him about if there is anything he wants to talk about, if he is feeling upset about the things you shared with him. He may need a bit of grace to process some of those things.

      It could also be helpful to journal your angry feelings and ask God to help you see your motives and to process your anger so that you don’t begin to hold on to bitterness.

      You are welcome to search my home page for:

      – bitterness
      – conflict

      Much love!

  55. Hello April,
    So since i have talked to you last month, my husband decided to switch his anti depressants because he felt tge one he was taking( Effexor) wasnt working for him anymore. Now hes on Cymbalta for about 1.5 weeks.
    He used to be the one initiating every day to twice a day for the past 4 months. That spoiled me enormously. Now since hes on Cymbata his drive is down to 0. How long does it take to see if hid drive will come back up or is it a side effect that will stay? I feel so crushed. I googled Cymbalta and got depressed myself as i read that it s very common for men to lose their drive on it. How should i approach this respectfully? I have been praying about it ever since it started happenning.
    I will definetely not take our sexual intimacy for granted ever again!

    1. NB,
      As a pharmacist, I have seen that antidepressants can cause a drop in libido. It could be good to give it about a month, if possible. By then, it will have kicked in and you should know how it will affect him long term. If you can focus on the truth that this is a side effect of this medication, not a personal rejection of you, perhaps that can be helpful. He may notice it himself and talk with the doctor himself. But if not, maybe you can be praying about when to bring it up and how.

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you foryour encouragement April! I hope all of this will work itself out. The wholr last year up until november was really rough fir our marriage includng absolute lack of sexual intimacy. So it was still new and exciting as he switched the med. Especially since he is not affectionate otherwise and still very sceptical of my new self.

        1. NB,
          I’m sure that if this continues on his new med, he will check with the doctor about switching RXs or you may pray about when you believe God wants you to mention something to him about it. Praying for wisdom and healing for you both, my dear sister!

  56. I have a similar problem to the one I am replying to. I am not physically attracted to my wife, I love her, but think she has an unattractive body. She thinks so too, even before I married her she would always wear a shirt when we would have sex – still does. She gained about 85lbs. then lost it before we met. So she hides it well under clothing. We have overcome a lot over the past 20 years, but I am still sinning in my mind by thinking and looking at women on the internet with attractive bodies. Could you please help?

  57. Wow, you sure stoke a nerve here, still getting comments after 3 years… I’m one of those husbands who has experienced a “strange” vibe around our sexual life for years. Over the past 18 months, I’ve agreed to give my wife a complete break from intimacy (not that she needed my permission, but agreeing made it easier with expectations).

    Both believers, she spends hours in the Word and journalling and worship every day. I don’t have the same type of devotional life, but am listening to His voice during the day, praying, reading, watching teachings, etc.

    Both my wife and I have known childhood trauma, and live with disabilities. She has many sensitivities and intolerances to environment, foods, and people. I’m more of the engaging type, while she needs to feel safe, to the point of being obsessive (she may say she is just being discerning and wise).

    For the past 18 months I kept giving of myself, serving her, and pursuing support and prayer on my end. She only meets people online, and from she told me, she doesn’t disclose much to them, so most know her more through her gifts and selective information.

    However over the past 6 months, as I got frustrated a few times with being isolated and not getting any feedback, she finally pointed to the need to be alone. That meant having me out of the house completely. At first I said OK, so I spent a week at a friend’s place. She wanted to hold me hand and just be together for a few minutes as we pulled up at my friend’s place. Wow, I thought ‘OK, something is going on!’

    Coming back home, she mentioned it had been good for her, maybe a bit too short, though. A few months ago, I went to visit my daughter across the country, and spent almost 3 weeks there. My wife then felt it was time for me to come back, so I did.

    We had a great 2 days, feeling good about being back, and then something happened and she withdrew again. Something about the way my words come out at times when I’m wounded and feel neglected and upset that we’re ignoring the elephant in the room: in short, she hopes I will MOVE OUT, like a separation, and making it clear that we may never get back together.

    In all this, I’m expected to continue not desiring her (not going to happen) and “understand” that it’s over.

    I don’t go out, I have put down porn for 14 years now, I don’t flirt, I don’t gamble, I don’t drink, I’m normally gentle, patient, and serving. But it seems to mean nothing to her, there is always something she can cling unto that seems to suggest that there is something very wrong with me, although when she tries to put it into words it just doesn’t make sense to me. And that compounds things, because if “truly” I could hear the voice of God, then I “would.”

    So today I was trying to find out if other Christians have considered the spiritual consequences of depriving one another of sexual intimacy, and if others notice the ways the enemy uses this to destroy self-esteem, respect, and create strife about peripheral things, leaving the obvious unaddressed: the spouse on the receiving end is exposed to spiritual assaults daily, and who speaks of these consequences? How do wives justify being unaware or oblivious, even dismissive of the true dangers of these kinds of situations for their husbands? And how are we men supposed to respond to such, when we do all we know to be kind, serving, pure, compassionate and seek help for ourselves without using defilement?

    Sorry for the long post, but I’m facing this difficult situation without any input on her part (if I talk too much now, she puts her fingers in her ears). I suspect she has formed soul ties with someone online, or with a line of teachings that justify her drifting away. That’s how it feels, so it may just be a spiritual thing though. But any “angle” I try to try to break the silence, the wall of isolation, bounces right back at me in a negative way. She seems to have made up her mind.

    Very confusing…

    1. breathebetter,

      It is an honor to meet you, my brother. But how my heart breaks for your pain. 🙁

      Has she had godly, experienced counseling for the trauma she endured?

      Does she say why she believes that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 doesn’t apply in this situation?

      Marriage is supposed to involve healthy sex where both husband and wife feel honored, respected, safe, and loved.

      Is she willing to read any books with you? Like maybe Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? Or is she willing to talk with a godly mentoring wife who is living out honoring and respecting her husband?

      I think it is possible that many women don’t know how men think and can’t imagine any perspective other than their own. It is possible that she doesn’t understand that she is placing you in harm’s way and into the path of temptation. Or that she is so wounded she is unable to see that.

      Are you able to share any of her words that don’t make sense to you about why she believes there is something very wrong with you? Maybe I could help you decipher it?

      How have you attempted to address the situation? Sometimes wives can’t “hear” things that are from a masculine perspective with which they are not familiar. Sometimes they respond better to things like, “I feel unloved when we go so long without sex.” “I feel really hurt by the lack of intimacy in our marriage. That is how I connect with you. I want us to have a strong, healthy marriage on every level.”

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you, my dear brother!

  58. I rejected my wife nearly two years we are separated now. We began to drift and couldn’t reconnect. I know it may have seemed purposeful. She stayed gone with her needy man-hating friends all the time, I do mean all the time. She got two DUI’s in three years. The money and legal hassles made me very angry.

    She absolutely refused to clean or cook or buy groceries or help any at all around the home. After work and overtime and side jobs and yard work and domestic chores it was all I could do not to fall out at times. When I raised questions I was ‘whining or complaining.’ She works too, I know. But not on weekends as I often did and I was willing to help around the home not do it all.

    She didn’t want to sleep in the same bed anymore either. Her CPAP machine was the excuse. It didn’t bother me. I wanted her close to me at night. She stayed up till the wee hours on Facebook every night and used pills to sleep and pills to wake and pills for everything. The sex we did have felt like I was interrupting her Facebook time. Quickies every time. Felt like a whore house and I was on the clock. I lost all interest in her. Not for her looks or body. As she thinks. She is devastated but won’t see my side. She repulsed me for her disrespect not her body.

    Things weren’t always this way at all. We used to have a tender, affectionate and passionate relationship. A very deep love. I DO LOVE MY WIFE ! I truly do. I am as heartbroken as she is. She became selfish and narssistic and I don’t want a quickie and then off to my own bedroom everytime. Sometimes it’s fine but I thought marriage should be more.

    I did lose all interest in her but not because I didn’t love her. We used to sleep together, love together, and we referred to each other as soul mates. This hurts because rejection is a two way street. There are reasons for it – not unrational and malicious as some think. A drift begins and neither can or will reach for the other. I hate what has happened and that I have the rejector moniker placed upon me. I stayed because I thought we could break thru and its not like a girlfriend you can just bail on when your married.

    I pray she sees my side and wants to reconcile because I do love her very much.

    1. Brian,

      There are always two sides to a story. Often, there is pain on both sides when there is sexual rejection. My heart hurts for you both. 🙁

      Have y’all been able to talk through some of these issues? Do you both feel like you can share your concerns and voice your needs and be heard?

      Often, if even just one spouse begins to move toward the other, in time, miracles can happen. I have seen that many times.

      I wonder if y’all might be willing to read a book together? Perhaps something like Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs?

      Much love in Christ to you, my brother. I pray for God’s healing for you both individually and for your marriage. The enemy is having a field day. But, in Christ, you have weapons you can use to defeat him.

      1. Thank you for your prayers. We have talked she’s confused and hurt. She speaks of reconciliation then backs off of it. She wants to fix herself first her own issues. Im giving her room and space but if she texts me I tell her how sorry I am and that I do love her. I was just disgusted with her the past two years and totally turned off by her. I know it has damaged her. I didn’t cheat or leave I hoped we could break thru. I tried to tell her it wasn’t her body or beauty that repulsed me it was her utter contempt for our marriage. Even my mother in law who lives downstairs told her you can’t be a spectator wife and be gone all the time and do little at home but Facebook. I do love my wife despite our problems I truly do and she says she loves me. But not in love and I’m not quote in love either. I do want to be in love again and restore our marriage. When we attended church as a family a decade ago was the best years of our life and marriage. Empty nest now and empty hearts too I guess. My wife is a restless spirit. I do want to love her and I want her to let me is what I’m saying. I reject her behavior so much it carried over to bedroom and and every part of our marriage. She knows the reasons are not totally irrational on my end she said so. She is struggling. I told her today that I love her. Left her money for bills and flowers on the front porch. I don’t chase her or call or text I give her room. We had discussed the bills but I gave her flowers too. I live with a retired. Coworker who is an alcoholic. Blacks out can’t remember things for days. It’s hard being separated and living here. I have to take care of him. His son is gone in the military and he’s divorced. The rejected wife sometimes may be loved much more than she believes I think she stonewalls me sometimes too. I pray we can reconcile !

        1. Brian,

          Praying for God’s wisdom for you about how to approach your wife and how to begin to seek to reconcile and to heal the marriage. Is she willing to go to godly counseling with you? Does she know what changes you need to see so that y’all can begin to rebuild the marriage? Does she have a godly mentoring wife to meet with or a godly prayer partner?

          How may we pray for both of you, our brother?

          1. No she has no Christian friends anymore. Sadly. Her step mother is a Godly woman but they’re not close. No counseling she says even though she says she needs it. It’s free where I work but it’s secular based. She knows we both need changes in our individual lives and married lives. I guess we need supernatural miracle to heal our marriage. We love one another but have so many difficulties.

            1. Brian,
              A lot of men find healing here in Christ – many use this site to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages. You are welcome here and I believe you may find encouragement. My greatest prayer is first for your own strengthening in Christ so that you have all of God’s love, wisdom, discernment, and power to seek to lead in a godly way and to pray. And I pray for God to draw your wife to Himself. Ultimately, it is only God’s Spirit who can open our eyes to sin. I know I couldn’t open my own eyes. Praying for the healing and awakening that He can provide.

              I would like to invite you to check out Encouragement for Those Who Are in the Trenches and the comments afterward. There is a husband there who is in a similar situation whose comments may be a blessing.

        1. Wife says she wants to reconcile but needs time and space which I do give her generously. I don’t bug her or text her unless she texts me. She saw me at the grocery store Saturday and ran up and hugged and kissed me. She wants to go on a weekend trip to talk and spend time. I agreed to. But is this a game ? Is this just an emotional reaction ? Since rejection was the major issue would playing hard to get make our problem seem the same ? I am pushing her away when she says she wants to meet and interact ? Reinforced of the reasons we separated in the first place. Making her decision feel right. The hug felt heartfelt and genuine. Being a tough negotiator make her want it more or push her away. She knows now that she is alone how much work I did around the home now that she must do it alone. She says she misses the US that was before we drifted apart. What do I read into all of this ?

          1. Brian,

            I don’t know your wife’s heart or motives. It is possible she is being authentic. It is possible she is not. If she has not really changed, that will come to light soon enough. It would be great if y’all really could take steps toward reconciliation. Often, these need to be slow steps as trust is carefully rebuild. Would she be willing to involve a godly counselor to help you both build a new, solid, godly marriage? This kind of situation requires the discernment and wisdom that only comes from God. I pray for His perspective and wisdom for you!

  59. How do you handle rejection from a husband that has been unfaithful? I’ve pulled my self esteem out of the mud, with Gods loving kindness, but I can’t deny the pain rushing back with every rejection. He’ll lead me on at first and say, “when I’m ready”. That may be once a month. He is almost 10 years older than I. I cry and pray and let it go. This is the cycle.

    I’ll be ok for a long time and won’t even make mention of it, and turn those desires off. But every now and again I find myself back here to this place of doubt, hurt, anger and resentment. I know nothing not too hard for Gods grace to smooth over, but it’s here and I have to deal with it. I have fear of my future, is this going to be always? Definitely not the marriage I envisioned.

    He’ll say things like he doesn’t know what’s wrong or he’ll let me know when he sees a doctor, yet I feel these are all responses to deflect. I know where my worth lies and who loves me above all the rest, but I am still flesh and do desire to be desired by my husband in that way. I’m always in between balancing my emotions and covering them up to get by the day.

    1. Healed Heart,

      Oh, my sister! Do I understand correctly that he had an affair with another woman? How long ago was that?

      Have either of you seen a godly counselor to help you with all of these scars and wounds?

      Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me? I would love to see you experience all of the healing that is available to you in Christ – then He can give you the wisdom and discernment you need about exactly how to handle these difficult things.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      Much love!

      1. Hi April! I would love some tools. Well, he has had several sexual encounters over the course of our 7 year marriage. In which he doesn’t admit. No counseling, except from the master who loved me back together again. Talk about being broken! I am in a good place, it’s just this hurdle of still being rejected and not having the assurance that he’s still not involved in extramarital sex. I can’t wrap my head around, how can you deny and reject me, but be involved with other women? It really did a number on my self esteem and worth. I know my worth now, and that’s how I’m able to get through. Please feel free to email me!

        Kindest Regards

  60. Your blog has been Christ speaking to me daily. This post as well as the one where the wives were sharing their various stories of sexual rejection has been a God send. I have posted on a couple other articles/blogs with you about my situation and I keep coming back to your site to be lead in the right direction. I find that I have one question that needs some perspective and seem to find exactly what I wasn’t looking for :), but what I need.

    My husband is stubborn and I think very hurt by my dominance of our family and our intimacy. I need to back off completely but I am very impatient…but the stories I’ve read today remind me how painful and difficult it can be but that it can have wonderful results. Wife 6 had a very very similar situation to me and she waited 6 WEEKS before he initiated…and I thought 2 weeks was hard! And I understand it might even be longer than that! Lead me Lord!

    Thanks for everything you are doing April. You have changed my life…with God’s help of course 🙂 🙂

    1. Trying,
      So thankful these stories have been a blessing to you. I think it is easy for us to be deceived that we are alone in our trials and that no other Christians are facing the problems we are facing. But many others face very similar obstacles, burdens, and temptations. When we can talk about it out in the light together, I believe we can find courage, strength, and hope in Christ and blessing in the fellowship among our sisters in Christ to continue on in obedience to God, seeking His greatest glory even as we face fiery trials.

      Much love!

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