The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage


I am not a therapist, a counselor, an expert or a pastor.  I’m just a wife and I am starting a discussion here. I do not claim to have all the answers. Here are some ideas to think about and prayerfully consider. If you have severe issues in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel!


I know that MANY of you are suffering in your marriage with the pain of sexual rejection.  The pain can be excruciating.  And many women think they are the only wives whose husbands refuse them.  Reading marriage books that constantly talk about how men want intimacy all the time just drives the knife deeper in your heart when your husband refuses you.  It can make you think that there is seriously something very wrong with you – and that every other husband on the planet desires his wife sexually but yours.  That is a lonely place to be.  This is something almost no one talks about and it  is not a topic that gets addressed much.  (For those of you with the opposite problem, check out this post)

There are a number of reasons why a husband may have a lower drive than his wife or why he may refuse her advances – many of which I have seen as a pharmacist:

– he is exhausted/stressed/sick

– he feels very disrespected by you (disrespect can actually be a HUGE, HUGE turnoff for many husbands.  It would be the same for them as it would for us if we felt very unloved. Check out my post about respect, disrespect and respect and sexual attraction).

– he has a naturally lower drive than she does at this time of life (especially as men grow older this can be the case – and sadly, women often have an increasing sexual drive as they grow older, especially into their 30s and 40s, this can make things very frustrating sometimes).

– he is experiencing a loss of desire due to depression or due to certain medications (blood pressure medications, some anti-depressants, some prostate medications, Propecia, etc.)

– the timing may not be best for him (most men have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning – sometimes just changing the time of day can make a big difference.)

– medical issues like E.D. that become increasingly common as men age (especially over age 50) – thankfully there are some extremely effective rxs for impotence.  Prostate surgery, diabetes, high blood pressure, peripheral arterial disease and other medical problems can trigger E.D..   The rxs are quite expensive (sometimes $20-30 per pill), but some insurances will cover a certain number of pills per month. (Be VERY careful about talking about this subject with your husband – sometimes, no matter how gently or respectfully a wife brings up the topic of impotence, a husband can feel extremely emasculated. It may be wise to pray a lot about this before talking with him. As a pharmacist, I know that it is very difficult for men to seek help for something so personal and so tied into their sense of manhood.)

– obesity can greatly affect sexual desire in men.

– sex has become a chore (i.e.: to try to get pregnant or deal with infertility treatment)

– serious pornography addiction can vastly lower a husband’s sexual desire and drive for his wife (this is, unfortunately, more and more common)

– infidelity

– low testosterone levels – the Dr can check his blood levels and there are injections and topical gel preparations of testosterone that can be very helpful to increase energy levels and sexual drive for men with this situation (but again, you will have to approach this topic with EXTREME sensitivity and probably a lot of prayer – it would be easy to offend a man greatly about this issue.)


– First, it could be important to think about examining your motives.

  • Is it possible that you may measure how much your husband loves you, or how lovable you are, by how often you have sex with him?
  • Is it possible that you use sex to get affirmation and to feel loved because you aren’t getting any emotional or spiritual connection?
  • Is it possible that you are trying to control your husband’s sex life and thoughts about other women/porn by trying to initiate sex frequently so that he “won’t be tempted” to look at other women or to use porn?
  • Is it possible you are attempting to find your worth and value in sex instead of in Christ?
  • Is it possible your husband is feeling smothered/disrespected/pressured?

If you are using sex to try to control your husband or to keep his thought life pure or to find affirmation of your worth – you are going to be dissatisfied and your husband is probably going to resist.

– PRAY!!!! Ask God to show you your true motives that may be hidden from your own consciousness. Ask God to give you wisdom and healing. Set your heart completely on Christ and find your worth, your identity, your hope, your strength, your joy and purpose 100% in Him. Be content in Christ alone. Take your desires and pain and rejection to Him and find shelter in His wings. Lay your desire at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to help you find satisfaction and contentment in Him no matter what your husband does or does not do.  Trust His sovereignty to be able to handle this problem for His glory somehow and ultimately for your good.

It’s possible that backing off could be something to consider – if you have been initiating every day or frequently and your husband is rejecting you often. He may feel smothered or pressured. Guys don’t like to feel like their affection, attention or sex is being demanded of them.  Or he may just need a few days (or weeks) to feel his own desire for you and to begin to initiate himself. This is SO HARD!!!!!! I know this is the last thing we want to do in this situation. But sometimes it works. The key is to expect nothing. If he does initiate – AWESOME. But assume that he won’t for awhile. Let your body just be “off” instead of “simmering.”  You may have to purposely stop feeding the fantasies of having sex with him for awhile and see if that doesn’t give him a chance to want to pursue you.  (PS, for wives whose husbands want MORE sex – learn to turn your body “on” to “simmer” by consciously thinking about having sex with your husband often and by flirting with him more and being open to his advances and thankful that your husband desires you.  If you are having pain with intercourse, please talk to your OB/GYN as soon as possible!  There is often a lot of help available for such problems.)

– Sometimes our schedules are TOO BUSY!  Being extremely busy all the time leaves no time for the things that are most important in life – intimacy with God, intimacy with our husbands, time to cultivate relationships in our families and time to spend with friends.  Pray and ask God and your husband what can be cut out of the schedule!

-Some husbands begin to resent sex during the long, expensive, sometimes humiliating (for men) process of infertility treatment. If sex has become 100% about trying to get pregnant – it takes the joy out of it for many men (and really – it takes the joy out of sex for many wives, too).  It could be time to take a break and just ENJOY your man without all the pressure.

The greatest gift we can give to our husbands during love making is to ENJOY them, to truly savor them and to be ecstatic, relaxed and delighted in this sacred and precious act of oneness.When we express our pleasure and rapture (with our facial expressions, words, body language, responsiveness and movements) – we greatly bless our men.

– If there are medical issues, major sleep-deprivation or extreme stress going on – pray about and ask your husband about seeing a doctor.  But if you do suggest he see a doctor, it may be wise to only suggest it once, in a very pleasant, non-pushy way and then let him decide when and if he will go.

– obesity greatly contributes to lower desire and even to erectile dysfunction.  This would be another delicate topic.  But you can pray about the issue, and seek to have most meals at home and to have more baked chicken/fish/vegetarian dishes with beans and less red meat and cheese and fattening things.  Make sure he has time to go for a walk or jog or to the gym if he wants to.  Be sure you are cooperating with your husband as a partner, not mothering him or dictating to him what he needs to do.

– Sometimes something as simple as trying the morning instead of at night makes a big difference. I know mornings can be rushed. But men almost always have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning.  It could be worth rearranging the schedule a bit to try this.

– Sometimes using touch to initiate instead of words can work better.  It almost never works with a man who has been resisting you to say, “I want sex!”  But sometimes just using touch very slowly – something you know he really likes – can be a better approach WITHOUT words.  Cuddling, spooning, a massage – but no verbal pressure.  And be prepared to just enjoy the affection even if he doesn’t respond.  If you resent him or get angry, that is going to make the whole situation much more difficult to overcome.

Men do tend to be very visual.  (If your husband is not particularly visual, this may not matter as much.) Wear your hair the way he likes it more often as a gift to him.  Wear your make up the way he prefers when you can.  Dress in feminine clothing to remind him that you are a woman.  Take care of your body – get the sleep, nutrition and exercise you need to be healthy.  Respect your body and treat it well.  When you respect your body and yourself and you make an effort to look your best, your husband appreciates that more than most men would ever say.  (This does NOT mean you need to be a size 2 or do dangerous things or have an eating disorder or exercise obsession.  But it does mean spend 15 minutes maybe – primping a bit before you see your husband.  And be a good steward of your body for God’s glory and to honor yourself and your husband.  Exercising for 15-30 minutes a day 5 days a week would be a healthy, reasonable amount of time and effort.  Your husband may even be quite willing to watch the kids while you go for a 30 minute walk or jog or to the gym.)

– If your husband is feeling disrespected and controlled – he may have told you this, or he may have just unplugged and gone totally silent. Check out the posts at the top of my home page on about respectdisrespect and signs your husband may be feeling disrespected. Consider thinking about ways that you could stop any disrespect, even the unintentional stuff. And then study your husband and figure out what most speaks respect to his masculine soul.  Depending on how disrespected and wounded he feels – it may take months or even a year or years for him to begin to trust and feel safe again.  And there are some rare husbands who never open their hearts again to their wives.  Ultimately, we obey God’s commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 out of our love and reverence for Christ – NOT to try to change our husbands.  We must be willing to accept our men exactly as they are and stop trying to change them before God will work.  And God’s timing may be much longer than ours.  We can trust Him and His sovereignty with the timing and results.  Our concern is to live in obedience and to abide in Christ no matter what our husbands do or do not do.

– If there are pornography issues – this is EXTREMELY painful for a wife. But with the power of God – your husband, you and your marriage CAN find healing and hope! You can check out for an ebook on this issue or you can look up for help with porn addictions.

– if there is infidelity – please find a godly, Christian counselor who is experienced in this area and who will promote obedience to God’s Word. You may have to leave for awhile, or he may have to leave for awhile in order to begin to heal. And we will pray for God to bring both of you to Himself first, and then we will pray for healing for the marriage but most of all for God’s will and His glory.

I Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife,  and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Unfortunately – you cannot control your husband or force him to be intimate with you.  So there may be a LOT of waiting involved – depending on why his desire is low.  Waiting is HARD.  It is not fun.  But it is an important part of learning to die to self.   I pray for wisdom for each of you that God might show you how to turn to Him and lay your pain at His feet.  I pray He will give you courage and wisdom to do what is helpful and will promote unity and healing in your relationship as far as things depend on you.  And I pray that God might work in your husband as well so that He might convict him of any sin or give him courage to find the medical help he needs to restore sexual oneness to your marriage.  But I pray for God’s peace even in the waiting and for Him to fill you with His joy as you learn to trust Him and seek Him with all your heart.


My suggestion is not to quote scripture or use words to talk about the things of God or that he is not following God’s Word.  That will likely alienate him even farther from you.  In this situation – I Peter 3:1-6 would be your most powerful tool.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

PS –

A husband mentioned something very important in the comments, and is allowing me to share here:

Thanks for addressing this topic. I’ve had conversations with my wife when she suggested that she’s been on a bullhorn and putting up billboards to initiate. I’ve had to learn her VERY subtle methods of initiating.

If there was a point when the man initiated often and was rebuffed often, his antennae might not be up for his wife’s initiation. It’s like in public speaking, when you think you’re being overly expressive, you’re barely scratching the surface. Sometimes a woman might think she’s being obvious but she’s not.

I would encourage a woman to ask her husband if he’s even aware that she’s initiating.


Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseling but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.

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247 Comments on “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage”

  1. LisainVermont
    May 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    Thank you so much for this post Peaceful Wife. I have a wonderful 16-year marriage and this is the only area in which we’ve struggled.

    Things have improved greatly over the past several months as I’ve turned our situation over to God and worked to be a more loving and submissive wife. I’m confident that things will continue to get better.

    It’s good to know other wives are also dealing with this. Most of the Christian literature I’ve read about sex talks about men always being ready and wives being resistant. Not much is written about men with lower drives.


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 2:58 pm #


      I am SO thankful to hear that things are going so much better and that you are seeing improvements. PRAISE GOD!

      I know… it is extremely discouraging to be a wife in this situation and then to read books and not even feel like anyone understands. That is why it is so important to me to talk about this issue. It’s a BIG problem! And it is much more common than many people think.


      • Curtis
        January 15, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

        I ran across this article while looking for any help or guidance in dealing with my wife who has rejected me for the last 10 years. She refuses to talk about it, deal with it, or take any action in any way at all. I can’t describe the pain I go through to say nothing about the temptation and the ways I have fallen. The Lord has at times encouraged me and made me very strong, and at times been very angry with me for the ways in which I have sinned when I fell spiritually. I feel like I am made to hold up to absolute perfection while all her shortcoming are not up for discussion. Any words of guidance or advice would be welcome. We are Christians, by the way.


        • peacefulwife
          January 15, 2014 at 9:59 pm #


          Ugh! I am so sorry!!

          Would she be willing to talk with me? Does she have a history of sexual abuse, medical problems (pain during sex)or depression? What brought this on, are you aware? Was this always an issue?

          What was her parents’ marriage like?

          What was your parents’ marriage like?

          How do you treat her, talk with her, relate spiritually and emotionally to her during all of this rejection?

          Has she forgiven you for your sin?

          Can she trust you now?

          Praying for God’s healing for you both!


          • peacefulwife
            January 15, 2014 at 10:00 pm #


            What is her relationship like with Christ?

            How is your relationship with Christ?


            • Curtis
              January 15, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

              What brought it on? Not real sure. It tapered off a number of years ago and she refused to restart it. I try to listen very carefully to what the Lord tells me about my marriage. As for her she usually stays up all night watching soap operas, emailing, watching YouTube or surfing the web or Facebook. I do my best to ask for forgiveness if I do anything wrong, but honestly she records of any and all transgressions and really just isn’t a very forgiving person. She has a very high sense of entitlement, I feel. She is also involved part time with an independent children’s ministry. As for corresponding with you, honestly I don’t know. 


              • peacefulwife
                January 16, 2014 at 8:46 am #


                Sometimes we wives really struggle with being forgiving. I sure did. Until I realized what a MASSIVE sin that was.

                I also understand that she may not be willing to talk with me.

                Has there been ANY intimacy at all in the last 10 years?

                What happens when you share your needs?

                Does she realize that you have feelings? A lot of wives don’t think their husbands have feelings – of course, that is not true. Are you able to tell her how hurt you are?

                Would she be willing to read a book?

                If she would- I would recommend “A Grace Filled Marriage” by Dr. Tim Keller first. It’s great for both husbands and wives. A lot of wives are willing to read marriage books – I pray God might give you favor. Maybe you could buy it and have it laying around – she may pick it up.

                Praying for God’s wisdom for you as you seek to lead your family and love your wife with God’s love.

                My husband has a site


            • Curtis
              January 16, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

              I pray and read my Bible daily in the morning before anything else. She rarely does, aside from sometimes listening to praise songs. We do all go to Church every Sunday


  2. ButterflyDove
    May 2, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Thank you so much for addressing this. It’s so true that you really don’t see the other side addressed. Pretty much since day 1 of our marriage (a little over 2 years), I have been the one with extremely more drive. I felt insecure, unworthy, unattractive, because of it. I would try to address it sometimes, asking why mine is higher/why not/etc, but all he would say is that he is exhausted. So, it’s only been on his terms, when he wants to. I tried to wear special things and go into the room he was in and he totally denied me—-I never tried again and wanted to sink into the floor in tears. To be so brave to do that and to be completely waved away. Now, when he was able to take his time, it was soooo worth the wait, but because it was soooo great of course I yearned for that frequently. I also always wanted to be spiritually connected in this area, too. I’ve been praying about this, and having to give my resentment, anger, sadness, over to God frequently. About 2 1/2 months ago, things changed. Oh my gosh, I am just in lala land. It’s like he’s a completely different person. I’m sooo loving it and so is he. We’ve been going through a lot of stress with the home we bought not being safe to live in, having to live apart while he fixed the house, having a baby—now things have settled down just a bit. He also went to a doctor and they gave him some medicine for depression. I’m happy that the medicine helps and praying that God will heal him of depression. Seriously, he’s different then when we were even dating. I’m so thankful to God, excited, and just in bliss. Those that are going through this please keep praying and keeping your hope—-I went from sinking sadly into the floor in tears to being in bliss with a flirty, full of drive, husband:)


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

      Butterfly Dove.
      I am so glad you shared your story!!!!!

      Depression can really greatly impact people – men or women. And make them not be interested in lots of things they usually would be interested in. I am SO THANKFUL he got the help he needed and that you are both doing so much better.

      THANK YOU, GOD!:)


  3. Crystal Blount
    May 2, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    Totally agree with all of your advice. I have to talk to God frequently about my desire to become bitter and resentful at times because my husband “gets it when he wants it, but I don’t”. I have to refrain from quoting scripture, and watch that I don’t turn over and go to sleep angry and letting out audible sighs of frustration. I’m working on improving in so many areas and trusting and submitting to God. I am working on allowing my husband to pursue me and be the man, instead of me being the aggressor. He does tend to respond more when I back off. That is really great advice ladies, if you can manage to find constructive ways to busy yourself with working on you, instead of just silently stewing over what he’s not doing.

    It’s a process, and a difficult one! I’m someone who was sexually assaulted at a young age, and grew up using seduction and sex as a means of getting my self-worth. It’s a hard habit to break. The silver lining is that my husband has definitely put his foot down and demanded something deeper and more spiritual. He doesn’t fall for all my little seductive tricks. He is much more attracted to me when I’m super vulnerable, elusive, and confident/fiesty/playful. Even though he’s got the ring, I guess the man likes the chase!!


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 3:21 pm #


      Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a heartbreaking one! But I know God is at work in you and making something so beautiful. I can see Him forming Christ in you, and a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear.

      And I can see Him working in your husband to form a more godly man, too.

      Thank you for being patient with this process and with God and your husband. Waiting in peace and embracing the hard times and the lonely times to learn all God has for us to learn is a big part of maturing in our faith!


    • Jessica
      June 26, 2015 at 9:51 pm #

      This breaks my heart because you have a right to have fun and also ask for it when you want it. Besides it seems weird that he would be hurt by you taking sexual interest in him. Though maybe i misunderstood? He sounds controlling and that is a very unfair situation. I think if you’re unhappy you have the right to voice that. I don’t think women were meant to lie down and resign to misery. Sometimes we have to make things happen.


      • Peacefulwife
        June 26, 2015 at 10:00 pm #


        Crystal’s situation is also quite complicated on both sides. It’s easy to make assumptions and give snap advice without knowing what is really going on – but that isn’t always the most productive approach.

        Wives absolutely need to share what they need and desire – I have many, many posts about that if you are interested, I can give you some links.

        My desire is for wives to be sensitive to God’s voice and His Spirit. Sometimes God will prompt us to wait and pray. Sometimes He will prompt us to act. He knows what is best in every situation and He knows how to heal marriages and broken people and relationships. If we run ahead of God or try to be in control ourselves, that often creates a disaster as it did in the early years of my marriage.

        Being overly submissive and passive is destructive for women. Being controlling and disrespectful is also destructive in our marriages. There is this place in the middle where we soar on wings like eagles in the Spirit of God’s power far above human ability – that is the place I want women to get to be. It is the best place in the world!


  4. David J.
    May 2, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    I’m glad you quoted 1 Cor. 7:3-5. While it seems that statistically it is more often wives who violate this passage (as it was in my case), the passage is definitely a two-way street. Assuming the wife has done her best in trying your suggestions with a loving, respectful attitude, or perhaps along with trying those things, I think it’s very appropriate to try marriage counseling. If the husband is a Christian but does not respond to any of these things or to counseling (or refuses to go to counseling), at some point I think it’s appropriate to take it to your church leaders for help under the Matthew 18 model.


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm #


      That is an excellent point! May I add it to the post, please?


  5. itycharles
    May 2, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

    you are always down to earth with issues others are scared to whisper. you are doing an awesome work


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

      This is where being a pharmacist and counseling patients for the last 20 years comes in handy! I can talk about practically anything with anyone – doesn’t phase me at all. These are important issues. I want to see Christians approaching these strongholds of Satan with the power, love and sound mind Christ can give us and the authority of His Word. I want to see marriages healed in the church and unity in marriage and in the body of Christ. I pray God might use me any way He will. Please pray for God to give me His Words and wisdom!


  6. Loyal Reader
    May 2, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

    Being denied intimacy from your wife is cruel. I heard my wife also on voice tape speak in a way she never speaks to me about her and her partners sexual parts. That was long time ago, and the pain is just as bad as when it originally happened.

    Ladies, don’t use sex as a tool in exchange for your selfish pursuits. Also don’t have sex, than not get your way the next day, and make comments, I gave you sex yesterday, as that really puts the husband into depression and challenges his faith in God.


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

      Loyal Reader,

      That is a good point – intimacy is something that should be freely and joyfully given. It is an ungodly use of the gift of our sexuality for us to try to force our husbands to do things for us or to buy things for us in order for us to be intimate with them. It is also ungodly for us to use sex to manipulate our husbands with guilt.

      Let’s honor God and our husbands by being selfless, giving, joyful, accepting, gracious, merciful and Spirit-filled wives who give willingly and cheerfully of ourselves to our husbands.


    • In His Image
      June 6, 2013 at 6:38 am #

      I heard my wife also on voice tape speak in a way she never speaks to me about her and her partners sexual parts. That was long time ago, and the pain is just as bad as when it originally happened.

      I’ve heard many men saying that they have had this happen to them. And it appears (as is your experience) in each case to be a wound that NEVER heals (since the man is made to know that he is basically sexually inadequate — that he has failed as a man — and that he can do absolutely nothing about it). Yet there are so many women who deliberately sexually humiliate men in this way — indeed, it’s now celebrated in the media (you see it in so-called ‘comedy’, yet in truth it’s about as funny as rape). We live in a society where male wickedness is (rightly) condemned, but female wickedness is seen as entertainment (or even as a virtue — as being ‘assertive’/’emancipated’/etc.).

      As Paul says, it’s best not to marry, but if you are going to marry, then choose a virgin with a tender conscience and a functioning sense of shame who loves God more than our vile society.


      • peacefulwife
        June 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

        How I pray that we all will carefully consider how we treat our spouses – that husbands and wives might all be kind, respectful, considerate, loving, protective and trustworthy in the way we treat one another. I pray we will not purposely strike out against each other. I pray we might be full of mercy and grace for each other. I pray our marriages might be havens of safety, peace, joy and intimacy. That we might work as a team in a unified way for each other’s good.


      • peacefulwife
        June 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

        How much heartache could be avoided if we all obeyed God’s Word and men and women reserve sex for marriage. The fallout of sexual sin and sin in general in our culture is catastrophic.

        I pray we might, as God’s people, repent and turn from all of our sin and turn to Jesus, dying to self and living for His glory alone!


      • Loyal Reader
        June 25, 2013 at 12:37 am #

        The other wound that doesn’t heal quickly is knowing my wife’s mother knew her daughter was spending alot of time alone with this man. I have alot of shame, remorse, wondering how God will judge me for being a spy and catching her. It’s so sad, the devil won then and is still attempting to gain control. My wife when confronted, when I’m hurting and she doesn’t provide the basic things running through this blog, I will commit sin and fall into bringing up the past. She will then, reply nothing happened get over it, I actually like older men, etc. Or tell me how terrible I am in a sexual sense.

        I met my future bride after hearing other boys speaking in vile disgusting way about what a slut she was in high school. I didn’t attempt to date her then, but I called her and warned her. Somehow a matter of Godly circumstances brought us together, I believe. I worked really hard to be loving, nurturing and build her confidence back up. The pain is intense, why would she do such a thing. That is why it’s so hard when she acted so horribly with me desperately wanting my wife, and kids suffered while she pursued a selfish hobby (play theator).


        • peacefulwife
          June 25, 2013 at 9:58 am #

          Loyal Reader,

          I am so sorry that things are so painful for you in your marriage. I pray that God might work in both of your hearts, draw you to Himself, heal this marriage and bring great glory to Himself through you and your wife.

          If you are interested, I can get you the contact info for a lay pastor who does men’s ministry and counseling whom I trust.


  7. another abuse survivor
    May 2, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

    Men who remember sexual abuse will often have similar issues to women as well as many of their own. There can be many reminders that are part of regular sex and can lead to.remembering for the first time. They may be reminded each time. There is shame and fear of act itself as well as what they remember. There are counselors for individual and group counseliing but many can not ask for help. I’m a female survivor but there are a few famous male survivors that have told their story. it can be a huge barrier to regular sexual relationship and by no fault of the survivor. Hope this helps. This happens by people they knew as church members, coaches, teachers and family friends.


    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

      Another abuse survivor,
      I am SO THANKFUL for your point. How I wish NO ONE EVER had to endure sexual abuse. But you are absolutely right, men or women who were raped or molested or sexually abused can have terrible emotional/spiritual scars that are incredibly painful in marriage. I hope you might allow me to include your comment in the post.


      • another abuse survivor
        May 2, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

        Please do. There are so many of us. It’s very difficult on marriage and many survivors are not able to marry or if so, sustain their marriages. With over many many years of counseling and a very loving husband, we r celebrating our 25th anniversary this yr. I am eternally thankful. Praise Him.


        • peacefulwife
          May 3, 2013 at 5:50 am #

          Thank you, another abuse survivor and congratulations! I praise God with you!


  8. peacefulwife
    May 3, 2013 at 5:58 am #

    To an anonymous husband,

    Yes, if she is experiencing physical pain with or after intercourse, it could be a matter as simple as more lubrication or more time is needed before intimacy to be prepared. Or it could be that she has internal muscle spasms, or dyspareunia. I have included a link to WebMD’s definition and causes of this disorder. I would strongly recommend she talk with her OB/GYN. Depending on the particular cause, there are many things that may help reduce her pain dramatically.


    • peacefulwife
      May 3, 2013 at 5:58 am #

      PS –
      Not all women are able to climax during intercourse. Most cannot. That doesn’t mean the husband is doing anything wrong.


  9. Rookie Writer
    May 3, 2013 at 10:08 am #


    I’ve been almost married for three years and I have to say that I’m just tired of being turned down. I’m tired of being challenged on everything I say or do. I’m tired of being reported to your mom for my shortcomings. I’m tired of feeling like I’m so low your list of important people where the dogs are more important than me. I’m tired of people have more say so in what we do than me. I’m just tired of being neglected.

    Done Venting.


    • peacefulwife
      May 4, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

      I lift up Rookie Writer, his wife and his marriage to You in Your throne room in heaven. You are sovereign and I lay this couple at Your feet, Jesus. They know You. Their marriage is to be a glorious living parable of the profound mystery between Christ and the church. But You are not being glorified here. There is much pain here – on both sides, I am sure. I pray that You might tear down the strongholds of sin and the enemy in this precious marriage, Jesus. I pray that You might open Rookie Writer’s eyes to all that You see from Your perspective. Give him Your wisdom and Spirit of power, love and a sound mind to breathe life and healing into this marriage. Give him the power to love his wife with the unfathomable, unquenchable, immeasurable love of Christ – not because she deserves it – but because He loves and honors You and seeks Your glory. Let Your Spirit soften his wife’s heart, too. Let her hear Your voice and be willing to obey You in everything. Bring this husband and wife both to You. Let them put You first – way above anything else. Then let them serve one another in humility and be generous with grace, mercy, forgiveness and selflessness. Give them the mind of Christ. Give them unity. Make them one in spirit, mind, heart and body by Your power. Use this marriage to greatly impact the world for Your kingdom. Give Rookie Writer wisdom to lead his wife with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, patience, love, peace, self-control, godly wisdom and let him gently, carefully lead her in Your path towards abundant life. Help him to stand in the gap for his wife in prayer. Help him set a godly example for her and be full of Your Spirit. Let him demonstrate Christ to her. Thank You that You have given him such powerful weapons – Your Word, Your Spirit, Your love, Your example. Give him godly mentors. Give her godly mentors. Partner with him to breathe life, health, strength and vitality into this marriage. Help him to see that even if she doesn’t change right now, as long as You are his partner, there is every reason for hope! You alone can open her eyes and change her soul. But if he will live in obedience to You and abide in You and live with You as Lord, You will change him first and then partner with him to heal his marriage and wife according to Your timing, Your will and for Your greatest glory.

      In the Name and power of Christ,


      • Nana
        May 5, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

        Amen. You’re remembered in my prayers too, Rookie. Hold on hard to the Lord because there are better days ahead. This is His promise for you and your family in Jer. 29:11.


        • peacefulwife
          May 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

          Thank you for praying for Rookie Writer, too! You are a blessing!:)


  10. cararogers
    May 16, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

    Thank you for this article, it really touched me in a way that was new to me. There is a lot here I had never thought about with my husband. I know there are stresses, but age differences (7 years) and levels of testosterone are a new things to me. I think I will have him read this and just be open and see where we can go from here. Thanks for this great post I think it will help us tremendously.


    • peacefulwife
      May 16, 2013 at 12:29 pm #


      I am so glad this has been encouraging to you. I am here if you want to talk!

      Praying for oneness on every level in your marriage. And praying for God’s greatest glory in your life!


  11. Patricia
    June 14, 2013 at 2:07 am #

    Please send me more info. I am in my 30’s, my husband is in his 50’s. Its hurts me more than you can imagine that I am in a relationship with little to no intimacy, much less sex. I feel that it is last on his list of priorities. Considering we’ve had this problem for three years, emotions are very raw on both sides. Help me hold on. Patricia


    • peacefulwife
      June 14, 2013 at 7:41 am #


      Is it ok if I email it to you at the email address you have provided?


  12. peacefulwife
    June 17, 2013 at 4:19 pm #


    Your situation breaks my heart for both of you. So much pain on both sides.

    There are absolutely times a husband’s sexual rejection is beyond his control. Medical issues, side effects of some medications, past sexual trauma/abuse… these are major issues that will require a lot of help!

    A wife’s control/disrespect can definitely destroy her husband’s attraction for her, too. Just like a husband’s lack of love can destroy a wife’s attraction for her husband.

    Praying for healing for you and R and for all who are suffering such difficult situations. God is able to heal those who have been broken. How I pray that we might be able to spare our children from such brokenness and damage – that we might set a godly example and keep them from abuse, neglect, pornography, molestation, evil and temptation – so that they will be well prepared to be godly husbands and wives and parents.


    • Ron Tyler
      June 17, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

      Thanks for the prayers and understanding. My peers in my recovery groups and I have realized that the common mistake I made in wife selection for my three marriages was that I failed to understand well and obey well 2 Corinth 6:14-7:1. I failed to make sure that they had the same commitment to obeying Jesus in all areas of life as I strove to have. My standards were way too low and foolish. I figured it was a green light to dating and courting if they said they were Christians, that they believed Jesus, that they carried their Bibles and read them and that they liked to attend Christian services twice a week. I forgot what I was taught in BIOLA in 1960, that the easiest place to backslide is in a Christian school or a large church because you and those around you can think you are a great Christian by just doing those things and having that reputation. So I have learned that one who seeks to submit to the lordship and reign of King Jesus in all areas of his life should seek one for marriage who seeks the same. Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” NKJV So here I am at 72, having less to offer but seeking more in marriage. To give me hope the Lord let me meet one of the godliest women I have ever seen or known, humble, gentle, unselfish, kind, compassionate, committed to selflessly serving the saints and definitely not thinking of herself more highly that she should. Of course the more I watched her the more I realized that I was totally unworthy of such a sister, that the obstacles to having a relationship with her are Andean, monstrous and impossible to overcome without the miraculous intervention of the Lord. So I have backed off like Boaz in hopes that she’ll be like Ruth, understanding that the divorce won’t be final until August, and that R could repent in genuine godly sorrow, commit herself to submitting wholly to the Word of God, and seek reconciliation. It’s all in His hands and I hope to be ready to accept what He does.


      • peacefulwife
        June 17, 2013 at 10:10 pm #


        I figured it was a green light to dating and courting if they said they were Christians, that they believed Jesus, that they carried their Bibles and read them and that they liked to attend Christian services twice a week.

        I agree – those are not high enough standards. It is very possible for someone to claim Christ and go to church and still not be submitted to Him as Lord. That was me for many years, too!

        Thank you for sharing.


  13. Elizabeth
    September 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    When I had a mastectomy, my husband moved into the guest room and he is still there. It’s been over a year. I’m to the place, I wouldn’t even care about sex, if I could just have an occasional hug or kiss. I am trapped by my cancer (stage 4) in a relationship with controlling platonic friend! Emphasis on the controlling and platonic part, because any friend who treated me with so little concern for my feelings would have been dropped. If I make any request for affection, I “have a problem” and need to give “antidepressants another try.” (As a submissive wife, and because I was in the midst of treatment, I tried them once – made me nauseous, gave me panic attacks, nightmares, I was an emotional zombie, and I took myself off them after I realized one morning I had been trying to get prescription bottles open to commit suicide. Lost 5 pounds each week on them. I have since found out my cancer treatments have been doing wacky things to my thyroid – unusual, but not unheard of when there already was a problem, and antidepressants mess with the thyroid, too.)

    Anyway, it is apparently so hard for my husband to express any affection, that when my brother died, he tried (like he knew what he should do) but could not bring himself to actually hug me. Took him 3 days to work up to being able to give very brief hug. I really have no idea what to do. He says I have a problem, not him. He says I need therapy, but only if he can go in first to tell him/her so they won’t be “siding with me” like the cancer center’s counselor. (I refused and then quietly found a Christian counselor on my own. She has helped me a lot, but she says I have a right as a wife to emotional support, kind of like what the counselor at the cancer center said. Both said this is a time when I need more emotional support, not less.) When my latest PET scan showed no sign of currently active cancer, he sounded totally uninterested the evening I told him, but the next day brought home flowers and gave me the first kiss I had had in months. And he has been a little better ever since, but still in the guest room and still no intimacy, physical or emotional.

    I have strong doubts about my husband being a Christian. We met in church, but about 10 years into our marriage, he became angry and dropped out of church. I have trouble believing a true Christian would not only hold onto this kind of anger for 20+ years, but expand it to encompass all churches and pastors and Christians. I started to hope lately, because he started reading his Bible again after all this time, then I found out he was mostly reading Revelation and other end time prophesies because he started using them to “back up” his criticisms of churches. I suggested I Cor. chapter 7 to him, and he told me I misunderstand and as far as I know, he did not even look at it. He says he has prayed for me during cancer, but will not pray with me.


    • peacefulwife
      September 3, 2013 at 9:44 am #



      I am so sorry to hear that you have been battling cancer. What a challenge and time of trial in and of itself! I’m VERY happy to hear that you are doing so well physically now!

      I don’t know much about your husband at all. And I don’t know what your marriage was like before your diagnosis.

      I can’t help but wonder if your husband might not have been trying to somehow distance himself emotionally from you in order to protect himself more from the pain of what you were going through? Not to say that was the right thing to do at all. But I have a feeling that he may have felt unable to deal with the scariness of cancer, the treatment and face the thought of losing you. So maybe he thought if he emotionally distanced himself he would experience less pain?

      It seems to me that he may have been terrified and felt ill-equipped to offer support and maybe he couldn’t even function himself much less be a rock of emotional support for you – possibly.

      I agree that you would need more emotional support during cancer and all the treatment. I’m so sorry that he shut down like that.

      I’m encouraged that he is responding a bit now.

      I pray that God might work in his heart and that He might empower you to be the wife of His dreams. I pray for healing in your marriage!

      Sending you a HUGE hug!


      • Ron
        September 3, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

        2 Corinth 1:3-7 indicates that God comforts His own and wants His own to comfort His own. He wants to comfort His own through and by means of His own (Phil 2:13). So you can’t count on your husband for that comfort. PLEASE join every Christian small group you can for spiritual and prayer support. Attend grief and cancer support groups. You can’t get Love out of a spiritually dead person, so get among those who are spiritually alive so He can comfort you through them. Mercifully the Lord allowed my ex and I to be separated before I had major health issues, because she had made it clear that she was not my wife for the “worse” or “poorer” or “sickness” times of my life. I joined as many small groups as possible and the Lord comforted me in my distress.


        • peacefulwife
          September 3, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

          Thank you for your advice and encouragement for Elizabeth. I appreciate your kindness greatly.


      • mike
        September 4, 2013 at 7:53 am #

        On the other side of the story i would like to hear also about a stuation where by wife denies their husband their sexual rights out of no reason


        • peacefulwife
          September 4, 2013 at 8:25 am #


          Wives usually do have reasons why they reject their husbands. But God’s Word commands us not to withhold ourselves sexually from our spouse. So – I desire to help wives find ways to overcome the obstacles they may experience so that they can joyfully give themselves to their husbands sexually.

          I address this issue in two posts and one Youtube video:

          “Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband.”

          The Respect Dare – Day 38 – Initiating Sexual Intimacy

          Withholding Sex in Marriage – 5 minute Youtube video


          • Jessica Hinckley
            September 11, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

            The same should go the other way around.


            • Peacefulwife
              September 11, 2014 at 3:19 pm #


              It is a pleasure to meet you!

              I only write for wives. So, I don’t “tell men what to do.” But, scripture commands both husbands and wives not to withhold sex from one another I Corinthians 7:1-5.

              Husbands have equal responsibility, and possibly even more responsibility because they are accountable in God’s sight as the God-given authority – who is to lead humbly, selflessly, lovingly, wisely the way that Christ leads and loves His church.

              Here on this blog, I focus on what we as wives can do on our end of the relationship. We can’t make our husbands do anything. The only person we control is “me.”

              I am sorry that you may be hurting today and am happy to talk with you if you are interested. I don’t have all the answers, but I will do my best to point you to the healing, hope, Life, peace and joy that can be found in Christ.

              Much love!


              • Jessica
                June 26, 2015 at 9:30 pm #

                I think i hurt for the women on here who deserve better. I don’t remember everything i said while back. It seems secular society faces the fact women have sexual needs but the church ignores their needs.


                • Peacefulwife
                  June 26, 2015 at 9:54 pm #


                  I hurt for the men and women who are lonely in their own marriages and who feel rejected by their own spouse. SO much pain and heartache here.😦

                  My goal is to get husbands’ and wives’ needs met in ways that honor God. My experience – after having over 4 million hits and tens of thousands of comments and conversations with people – has been that when women are fully submitted to Christ and understand their husbands needs and focus on meeting their husbands’ needs – most husbands eventually respond with love, care, concern, humility, and a servant’s heart to meet their wives needs, as well.

                  We sometimes try to make and force our husbands to do what we want – but men don’t respond well to that approach – neither do women.

                  I want every marriage to flourish and to have wonderful, satisfying sex – and even more than that – to bring great glory to God. That is the goal. And when we follow Christ and trust Him and are willing to obey Him and listen to His voice – He often brings healing in every area of a marriage.

                  I can’t count how many wives have shared with me that after they stopped demanding sex and stopped trying to control their husbands and stopped disrespect – and began to honor their husbands, respect them, and treat them well – that their sex lives improved dramatically. Of course, there are other issues that could be going on, as well. But many times – as God changes a wife – He begins to heal the husband and marriage, too.

                  For some examples of that very thing, where wives who felt rejected began to experience their husbands desiring them again, check out this post.

                  How is your walk with Christ and your marriage going?

                  Much love to you!

                  Why Do I Have to Change First?


      • Peacefulwife
        September 11, 2014 at 3:20 pm #


        How are things going with you, my sister?


  14. Loosing Control
    October 18, 2013 at 6:40 am #

    Peaceful wife Iam in a marriage just like you said feeling undesirable because my husband won’t be intimate with me. We’ve been married only 6 months on Oct 20, 2013. Iam so hurt. I thought about iniciating but Iam afraid he’ll reject me, so Idon’t. Ialso thought about counseling, to embarrassed to tell that my husband of 6 months doesn’t desire to make love with me. Ithought labor was hard at least Iknew it would end eventually, Idon’t know if or when he will desire me again. My heart is broken && I’m frustrated. #Loosing Control


    • peacefulwife
      October 18, 2013 at 6:54 am #

      Losing Control,

      Would you like to talk about this together? I am SO SORRY you are hurting so much! That kind of pain of feeling so rejected is just excruciating.

      Here are some things that would help me to give you some direction if you would like to email me the answers – or you can answer here if you prefer…

      1. How long has it been since you’ve been intimate?
      2. What was your relationship like before marriage?
      3. Does your husband have a porn addiction or any mental health issues or drug/alcohol addictions?
      4. Is it possible he feels disrespected? (I have a post at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect)
      5. Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
      6. What was his parents’ marriage like?
      7. What was your parents’ marriage like?
      8. DOes he suffer from any medical conditions like diabetes or high blood pressure?
      9. How is the rest of the relationship going lately?
      10. Do you have a young baby in the family now? If so, when was the baby born?

      Much love to you!!!!


      • Losing Control
        October 18, 2013 at 7:29 am #

        Peacefulwife thx for responding…answers: 1. Aug 9,2013
        2. In my opinion
        3. He watched it b4 we got married. Iasked him to stop, he did for awile but recently started again.
        4. Iread your post to be sure of the disrepect, not a factor, he
        never mentioned that. Only that he’s just tired.
        5. We both have relationship w/Christ. We fast && pray. Go to church as a family.
        6 &7. Our parents were never married to each other.
        8. No
        9. We don’t talk much, we still
        date each other. Have issues w/
        bills being paid equally. Iforgave
        but never forget about him telling
        a young lady that he still got love
        for her eventhough he’s gettin
        married && called her beautiful.
        Ican’t stand when he calls me
        that but Ikeep it to myself.
        10.No baby. He adores my children. He has no children. 1st time married @ 39yo. Iam 43yo. Ifraid that his desire is for younger ladies. #LosingControl


        • peacefulwife
          October 18, 2013 at 7:58 am #

          Losing control,

          He much porn is he watching? It can be possible for a man to be so addicted to porn, he doesn’t feel sexual desire for his wife. Is he willing to get help? If you search “pornography” in my home page, I believe you can pull up a post with a link to a free ebook for dealing with porn in a godly way by Brent Riggs.

          Is he depressed?

          Is he working a lot?

          Does he have medical issues that cause erectile dysfunction?

          Has he felt criticized sexually?


    • Patricia Mims
      October 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

      As I read your post tears ran from my eyes. Please know you do not suffer alone.


  15. LucretiaS
    October 26, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

    This article does not surprise me when I realized it was a religious article. Growing up all I hear about religion is how a women suppose to please her man and not both ways. It has really made me stay away from religion and has caused me to keep a distance with God. Men and Women are equal bottom line.


    • peacefulwife
      October 27, 2013 at 7:05 am #


      It absolutely DOES work both ways. I dont’ write for men. So I don’t write about what they should do. My husband has a blog for husbands. But YES, the commands God gives are that husbands should not deprive their wives. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it. Husbands are to be selfless, humble, gentle, respectful and to treat their wives with great honor or God will not hear their prayers.

      Men and women are equal in value in God’s sight YES!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!

      Anyone who told you that women were inferior was not teaching what God says in His Word. men and women are both image bearers of God. And Galatians 3:28 says that there is no difference to Him between male, female, slave, free, Jew or Greek or Barbarian.

      These principles I talk about would apply for husbands, too – I am just not teaching men. But just because I don’t teach men, does not mean that these things don’t apply to them.

      Much love to you!:) Thanks for your comment!


      • peacefulwife
        October 27, 2013 at 7:31 am #


        I pray that you might read God’s Word for yourself and not allow any human to come between you and God’s love for you.:)

        I Corinthians 7:1-5 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

        Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

        I Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

        The kind of love God commands both husbands and wives to have for each other is AGAPE love – unconditional love. All believers in Christ are called to love all people with God’s kind of love. Men and women. This is the love to build a marriage upon.:)

        I Corinthians 13:-1-8a If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

        With love,


        • peacefulwife
          October 27, 2013 at 8:09 am #

          God calls ALL believers – men and women – to submit to Him 100% as LORD of their lives. He calls all of us to believe on Jesus and accept His death for us that He died in our place. He paid for everything we have done that has offended God – so that we might be able to have a real relationship with Him – even though none of us deserve it at all. “There is none righteous, no not one.” It is a gift that we can come to God – and it is by His grace and our faith in Him, not because we have anything good in us (Ephesians 2:8). Then, He desires His Spirit to fill us and give us power to live in obedience to Him for His glory.

          He calls all believers in Christ to die to our old sinful self – allow it to be nailed to the cross and buried with Jesus. Then we are to put on our new self in Christ. He gives us new hearts, new minds, new spirits.

          He gave up His life for us, and then we give up our lives for Him. He took our sins. He gave us His right standing with God. He took our punishment. He gave us His holiness. He took our death upon Himself, then He gives us His eternal Life.

          We lay down our wisdom, our rights (because we have sinned against God, we have no rights before Him), our dreams, our goals, our plans, our resources and all that we are. We sacrifice all that we are to Him in thanksgiving for all that He has done – becoming a human, dying in our place, conquering sin and hell for us. Such a great love He has for us! Then, we pick up His Spirit, His desires, His plans, His wisdom, His goals, His dreams, His priorities, His power and we seek only His will and His glory.

          He gives us the power to live and to love as He does.

          And with His Spirit – we receive His supernatural love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The fruit of His Spirit will be in our lives daily as we live for Him and yield to His control in our lives. That is how the CHristian walk is supposed to be for all men and women who follow Christ.

          This is what God has done for me! I used to be anxious, afraid and worried all the time. I trusted SELF not God. But God set me free from my old ways and has given me this new abundant life.

          I pray you might find it, too.:)

          You are PRECIOUS to Him and He can give you satisfaction, peace, joy, purpose and fulfillment that nothing in this world can ever give to you.


          • Ron Tyler
            November 1, 2013 at 3:13 am #

            For godly wives who have God fearing, God loving and Jesus obeying husbands who are not ministering to their wives intimately and sexually: God says “21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah.” Ephes 5 “In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. . . . the husband is not in charge of his own body, but his wife is. . . . the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. . . a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. . . [kai] the [ho] husband [anēr] does [exousiazō] not [ou] have authority [exousiazō] over [ho] his [idios] own body [sōma], but [alla] the [ho] wife [gynē] does (Mounce Grk).” 1 Corinthians 7:4 Clearly the wife has the right over her husband’s body and he should submit to her right, she is in charge of his body and he should submit to her charge, she has the God ordained and appointed authority (Romans 13) over his body and her husband should submit to her authority, she is the master of his body and he should submit to her mastering. “21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah.” Ephes 5 “Skin hunger” is a valid psychological and physical condition (…/201308/skin-hunger) and if a wife is suffering from skin hunger she has the right and authority to expect her husband to submit to her authority over his body and, if nothing more, at least lay together naked, skin to skin, to satisfy her need of skin hunger. She has authority to require much more, for example her husband’s obedience to Prov 5:19 and 1 Corinthians 7:2.


  16. nichra
    December 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    I am married for 04 years and my husband never had sex with me so far. (believe me or not). He is not interested in having sex with me at all. He never kiss me. I just live coz im not dead.


    • peacefulwife
      December 16, 2013 at 2:37 pm #


      Goodness!! If your husband never ever consummated the marriage -you probably could file for an annulment. Have you talked with your pastor/priest about this?

      I am SO SORRY that you are going through so much pain.

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Would you like to talk a bit more about what is going on? I will do my best to point you to God’s Word and to Christ.

      There is a discussion about divorce and annulment going on today on my post The Bible and Divorce.

      Much love to you!


    • Ron Tyler
      January 11, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

      Please permit me to share with you the 1 Peter 3 experience one of my relatives had. She was this little, slim and delicate Christian sister. I had the honor of being her house quest back in the ’60s and she told me her story.
 This is how I remember it. She was gloriously saved in Jesus while married to her chauvinistic, arrogant, proud, rich and unfaithful Orthodox husband. He really believed that her place was pregnant, bare foot and in the kitchen. They found out after their second child that her heart was weak and she could die during childbirth and so was told to have no more children. He got her pregnant four+ more times. Soon after being saved the Lord used these times of great peril to lead her into submission and obedience to His Word in 1 Peter 2 + 3


***1 Pet 2:19 For this [is] a grace, if for conscience [toward] God anyone endures grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory [is it] if you patiently endure [while] sinning and being buffeted? But if you suffer [while] doing good, and patiently endure, this [is] a grace from God. 21 For were you not called to this? For Christ also suffered on our behalf, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps, 22 He who did no sin, nor was guile found in His mouth, 23 who when He was reviled did not revile in return. When He suffered, He did not threaten, but gave [Himself] up to Him who judges righteously. 24 [He] Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that dying to sins, we might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed. 25 For you were as sheep going astray, but now you are turned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. 1Pt3: 1 ¶ IN THE SAME WAY[— as the servants of 2:18-25] , wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands, ———— with all reverence, not only to those good and forbearing [husbands], but also to the perverse ones.

1 Pt 2:19 For this [is] a grace, if for conscience [toward] God anyone endures grief [because of her husband], suffering wrongfully. 2:20 For what glory [is it] if you patiently endure [grief from you husband while] sinning and being buffeted? But if you suffer [grief from your husband while] doing good, and patiently endure, this [is] a grace from God. 2:21 For were you
not called to this [marital suffering]? For Christ also suffered on our behalf, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps [when your husband causes you to suffer], 22 He who did no sin, nor was guile found in His mouth, 2:23 who when He was reviled did not revile in return [so when your husband verbally abuses you, do not verbally abuse him in return]. When He suffered, He did not threaten, but gave [Himself] up to Him who judges righteously [so you also shouldn’t threaten your sinning husband but instead give
yourself up to His care].

      —————so that if any [husbands] do not obey the word, they may also be won without the word by the conduct of the wives, 2 having witnessed your chaste behavior in [the] fear [of God]. 3 Of whom let [it] not be the adorning of garments, or outward braiding of hair and wearing of gold, or of putting on clothing, 4 but [let your adornment be] the hidden One of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, the meek [strength controlled] and quiet [peaceful] spirit, which is of great price in the sight of God. 5 For so once indeed the holy women hoping in God adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands [by their own choice]; 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; whose children you became, doing good and fearing no terror.

      She became a faster and a prayer, leading all of her kids to be beautifully saved. Her husband was not stupid or blind,
 and soon realized and was told by his buddies that he had a great wife, an awesome wife, and appreciation and respect began to sink in to his chauvinistic head. He was very proud of his precious and well behaved children, the envy of his buddies. Sometimes when he had one on his lap, his beloved child would 
say something like, “Daddy, do you love Jesus? Are you going to be in Heaven with us? Daddy, I want you to be in Heaven with me. Please??????????!!!!!!!!!! Daddy?????????????!!!!!!!!!!”. He was deeply moved.

      In the meantime, all the sister’s prayer and fasting had resulted in her having such a close and beautiful
 relationship with Jesus that He had given her the gifts of discernment of spirits, healing, prophecy, tongues and interpretation of tongues. She eventually ministered healing as a part of a well known healing ministry. He gave her a large women’s teaching and counseling ministry at a large Protestant church. Father blessed her husband with a very slow lukemia that woke him up to spiritual Truth. Before he died he had become one of the kindest and most Loving brothers you could ever hope to meet. After he died, Father blessed her with a genuinely born again brother who became her husband and partner in ministry.

      Now that is the worse case scenario, believer married to

      Now that is a worse case scenario with an unbelieving husband. If your husband claims to be genuinely born again in the Spirit by total reliance on Jesus alone for his salvation, then please fast and pray about doing Matthew 18:15-17 with your husband and a supportive group from your church. You have my prayers dear sister. I hope you become a prayer and a faster like my relative did.


    • Ron Tyler
      May 13, 2014 at 4:53 am #

      Dear “Coz I’m not dead”,
      If your husband claims to be a believer and is an active member of a church, I hope and pray that you Love Jesus enough to obey Him and do Matthew 18:15-17 with your husband and the church. If you get to v. 17 and he rejects the appeal of both you and the delegation of believers from your church, then Jesus instructs you to relate to him as you would to an unbeliever. That would move your relationship to that of 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, where the believing wife is instructed to not leave her unbelieving husband, but if she does leave him and he still wants to live with her as her husband, then v. 11 instructs her to remain separated but single, or be reconciled with him. When he no longer wants to live in marriage with her and he separates himself from her, then she is no longer bound to him in the Kingdom of God and is free to remarry. Having dealt with this before and seen the failure to obey Matt 18:15-17 result in marital tragedy affecting mates and their children, I hope and pray you will love Jesus enough to obey Him. I know Mat 18:17 might appear to be hard to do, but all you need is a delegation, of 4 or more, to join you in confronting him about his rebellion and disobedience of clear Scripture in 1 Corinth 7:1-5 and Prov 5:18-20. Praying for you.


      • MHMC
        May 13, 2014 at 4:08 pm #



    • kleronomia (@kleronomia1)
      May 13, 2014 at 6:14 pm #


      Good grief! My heart goes out to you. I totally can’t comprehend the callousness nor what even might be going through his spirit to treat someone like that. Let me pray for you: “Dear Lord Jesus, be with this woman and especially be with her husband. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t or would be afraid to be intimate with his wife, but You do Lord. Give him courage to face up to whatever he needs to do to deal with this situation. And in the meantime minister to her needs in her heart and soul; comfort her; help her look up and draw close to you and be healed. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.


      • peacefulwife
        May 13, 2014 at 9:16 pm #

        Thank you so much, kleronomia! I am praying with you for our sister and her husband!


  17. MHMC
    December 21, 2013 at 12:55 am #

    I would agree with what you said about wives needing to give your man some space, allowing him to come to the wife on his own time and his own terms. I took this approach. Typically, I am the one who initiates, and I usually feel like I’m begging. I’ve backed off more and more over the years, and this last time I just made it my priority to let him initiate. Unfortunately, it took him 4 months. Then one day, at 10pm, out of the blue he says, “wanna do it?”. It was painful, and I started bawling. I told him that after 4 months of no intimate contact, I needed some touch, some indication that he wanted me. It took him another 3 days to want it, and I still ended up initiating it. It’s more than frustrating. It’s heartbreaking. It really makes you feel repulsive. I used to get excited around him, and my desire for him was so strong. Now, I look forward to him not being home, because the pain is so hard to bear. It’s easier to be alone, then to be near him and not be desired.


    • peacefulwife
      December 21, 2013 at 6:21 am #

      I am so sorry for your pain!

      Do you know what is going on with him? Medical issues? Stress? Side effects of medication?

      Praying for wisdom and healing for you both.


      • MHMC
        December 21, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

        He’s always had anxiety- I’m sure there’s some depression in there, too. We’ve always had issues in the bedroom- for most of out marriage it’s been once or twice a month. It just seems to have gotten much worse. Other issues in our marriage have boiled to the surface, and as I’ve been trying to get help, counseling, seek out pastoral help, he keeps refusing to participate. I’ve become aware of some lies, and it has created lots of mistrust. I know these are all causes of a lack of intimacy, but it makes me angry that instead of trying to find solutions to our problems, he just keeps ignoring them- and me.


        • peacefulwife
          December 21, 2013 at 10:16 pm #


          What do the counselors say for you to do?

          Is he willing to go to the dr?

          How is your relationship with Christ?

          Much love!


          • mhmc
            December 23, 2013 at 2:33 am #

            Sorry- working from two different computers-
            My husband rarely says anything. I confronted him recently about giving me the silent treatment. Very frequently he outright ignores me. He even gave our 13 yr old daughter the silent treatment for 3 days. When I confronted him about it, he stopped ignoring her, but it was a very cold relationship. He has been on medication for anxiety twice in the last 5 years- currently on it now for the last 2 years. I’ve been through the whys and the how’s. I’ve blamed myself for not making him happy. I’ve read the books that tell the wife to be more kind, understanding, respectful, etc. After 13 yrs I’m at a loss. I ask God every day to change both our hearts. I pray that someone comes to him and tells him what God is saying him (he’s certainly not going to hear it from me). I understand a certain level of thoughtfulness needs to be used to discuss these things, but it seems I’ve done all that and still nothing. I really have tried to be what he says he wants- yet he does nothing. He even went so far as to say he wanted to “spice thing up in the bedroom!That’s after 13 years of saying no to me more times than I can count. You asked how I initiate- it’s different every time. Sometimes I even say that I would like him to “consider it” days in advance thinking that might help. It doesn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something really wrong. Either this has something to do with him trying to control, or he’s having an affair. Either way, I continue to pray that God reveals the truth.


            • peacefulwife
              December 23, 2013 at 6:43 am #


              It is possible that there could be a medical issue, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc, depression (some medications can also lower libido dramatically and affect sexual performance).

              What was his parents’ marriage like?

              What was your parents’ marriage like?

              Was he sexually abused?

              Is he addicted to porn?

              How is your relationship with Christ going?

              Much love!


              • MHMC
                December 23, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

                Thank you- He’s been like this most of our marriage- even before he ever went on medication for anxiety. I have considered the low T as a cause- problem is, we have gone moments in our marriage (very few and far between) when he’s trying to “smooth” things over with me, and we will have sex 2 to 3 times a week! It seems, especially when you look at these instances, that he really does have control over it physically. If I were to guess, it’s a mental problem, not a physical one.

                His mom says about her marriage: “It’s been a 50 year sentence”. She is not happy, even less now that my husband’s dad has had a stroke. My husband’s father was/is very selfish.

                I don’t know about abuse- I used to think he told me everything, but I’ve recently been made aware of secrets that were kept. I honestly don’t know if he would tell me if he was sexually abused. I know he suffered mental/emotional abuse from his father.

                I’ve discovered porn in the past, but no idea if it’s still a problem. He has admitted to masturbating as well, which upset me since he says no to me all the time.

                As far as my relationship with Christ goes, it’s been hard. I trust Christ. I love Christ- I know God has a purpose in it, and that the only way my husband will change is through his own faith in Christ. But I have been suffering from depression. I recently lost my job (long story, but it had to do with something my husband did and my employer found out- it was nothing to do with what I did, but I lost my job anyway), I’ve been so saddened by the state of our marriage, I’ve been seeing a counselor once a month for 2 years- reading the Bible used to be something I truly enjoyed and couldn’t wait to come home from work and study the Word- but now, it’s a chore. I don’t know why. I’m not angry at God. I am angry at my husband, but not at God. I pray- and I cry. I look forward to church and being with other Christians, because it’s all the Word I’m getting right now.


                • peacefulwife
                  December 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm #


                  What is your counselor saying for you to focus on?

                  If there is a porn addiction, it is very common for husbands to eventually not be able to respond to a flesh and blood woman, even their own wife.

                  What was he like before marriage? Was there ever a time that he seemed excited about having sex?

                  I am SURE there will be a lot of bitterness and resentment toward your husband that you will have to lay down. If you hang on to bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment, it will choke your relationship with God – grieve His Spirit and keep Him from forgiving you (Matthew 6).

                  To find the joy in your walk with Christ, all the bitterness and unforgiveness will have to go.

                  I plan to post this on this site in a day or two, but you may find some help in a post on my other site today about Finding Contentment

                  I am SO sorry to hear about your job. Is your husband still working? Has he apologized for what happened with your job?

                  Sending you a HUGE HUG my precious sister!


          • Ronals Tyler
            December 25, 2013 at 1:00 am #

            Thank God you are still initiating, still doing your best to obey the Word in Prov 5:19 & 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 – to be letting him know you are willing, to be intimately having him, to be respecting his sexual authority over your body, and to not be denying him for any other reason than agreed upon prayer and fasting. Please think about what I’m about to tell you. I didn’t really understand it until it happened to me. When the mother of my children left me, something glandular happened in my brain, and my testosterone level dropped way down into the female range, and my estrogen levels rose to normal female range. It was amazing. I had been very sexually active since age 10 when my dad’s magazines got me hooked on porn. Then at age 45 I was estrogen dominated, and no beautiful woman on stage, screen, church, magazine or sidewalk moved me. They were just people, just another person. No temptations. No burning desire that I had to control for 35 years. And then it got so bad i had gynocomastia and began to grow a female breast! The endocrinologist put me on meds and within 3 years I was back to normal testosterone levels, to normal head turning reaction to very attractive women. The news is full of how American men are getting too much estrogen, from the food they eat to the fat cells in their bodies, making men more and more passive and less sexually stimulated. So ladies, before you give up on him, get his testosterone levels checked, and if necessary, treated. Put cheap gas in your car and your car will run like a car on cheap gas. Can’t expect an estrogen dominated male to behave like a normal fully testosterone male. Sex is a glandular experience and sometimes the glands need a little medical help.


            • peacefulwife
              December 25, 2013 at 7:30 am #

              Thanks, Ronald!

              Yes, there actually is a HUGE decrease in mens’ testosterone levels today because of the foods we are eating and the sedentary lifestyle and a host of factors. This is a very significant problem. Thankfully, low testosterone can be treated very successfully.


    • Jessica
      June 26, 2015 at 9:36 pm #

      You have a right to ask for what you want. I think these men who don’t like their wives coming onto them are on a different planet


      • Peacefulwife
        June 26, 2015 at 9:55 pm #


        Of course women may ask for what they want and desire! And we can do it in a way that draws our men to us rather than repels them. MHMC’s situation is rather complicated. But yes, women may ask for what they want.:)


  18. joanne
    January 7, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    i feel rejected by my husband numerous times. we’re married for a year but we’re together for 5 years. our sex life is not as active as it was during our first 3years. it hurts me alot everytime i got rejected. But he is a good husband, i have no complains regarding his attitude. But everytime he refuse to make love with me i feel insecure to myself and i doubt myself of not being a good wife. it feels like i dont give him the satisfaction. Another thing is that i feel our marriage is not a good one. i’m feeling alot of negative emotions. it hurts me so much. But after reading this article somehow i was enlightened. i cannot say im not hurt anymore. but thank you for this article. this made me realize to seek God’s help and pray for my husband. because before my mind is being rebellious as i want to make revenge to him because im so mad at him. i almost forget that God is just a prayer away. thank you because i feel better now. it is so shameful but i have to admit i foret HIM when everything in my life is okay. thank you. i feel blessed.


    • peacefulwife
      January 7, 2014 at 1:38 pm #


      It DOES HURT so much when our husbands reject us. I have definitely been there.
      I pray you might look around at some of the other posts on my site. Especially the ones at the top about disrespect and respect. There is some eye-opening and life changing stuff here that I don’t want you to miss!:)

      I’m right here any time you need to talk. I thank God that He is giving you hope!!!!

      Much love my precious sister!


      • joanne
        January 7, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

        when he initiate he never get rejected. we just make love when he wants to but when i am the one who initiates i always get denied. i already told him this but nothing has change. before i came up to your article i told myself last night will be the last time i will be rejected because i will never ask him to make love with me and if he will be the one who will initiate i will say no as my revenge to him and will sait until the time he will say sorry to me for rejecting me all the time. yes i feel like im a bad wife but my ego is telling me to do so. but now i realize it wi not work. Honestly speaking i dont know if i want to have sex with him again because after last night i feel cold to him. but now im praying for our marriage that’s all i can do now because honestly i dont know what to do it feels awkward.


        • peacefulwife
          January 7, 2014 at 4:22 pm #


          How often were you trying to initiate? What would he do?

          Sometimes husbands don’t always recognize our attempts to initiate.

          I Corinthians 7 contains God’s commands for us in this department.
          3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

          So, I think it is important to be available to him. I want him to be available to you, too.

          Is he feeling overall very respected in the marriage?

          Does he say anything that he wants to be different?

          I will do all that I can to point you to Christ and His Word and healing for yourself and your marriage.:)


  19. peacefulwife
    February 5, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    There are two more stories I would like to include in my book – planning to send to editing this week! I’d love to have two husbands’ perspectives about how wives can respect their husbands sexually.

    I’d like one husband’s story who has felt disrespected, smothered and too pressured by his wife to have sex and how painful that was for him and how a wife could bless her husband in such a situation. And I’d like one husband’s story who felt rejected often by his wife and how painful that has been from his perspective and how a wife could bless a husband in this situation.

    I’d like something between 250-1000 words (more if you would like) – not too explicit with the sexual details, please! I want to focus more on the respect and emotional and spiritual aspect of these scenarios.

    Thank you so much!

    I’d like to have the stories this week, please.


  20. Annette
    February 13, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    After years of searching for answers to my husbands rejection I came across a few websites that describe “intimacy anorexia” coined by Dr. Douglas Weiss.
    It’s becoming more and more recognized and has been hurting marriages for decades. It’s the active (and subtle)withholding of affection, intimacy, etc…
    When I found this it described our marriage exactly and was such a relief to find an actual problem that we could pinpoint. If you tend to second guess yourself when it comes to the way your spouse treats you and/or they are more charming and doting around others you might want to check it out. Husbands or wives can be an intimacy anorexic, and it usually is because they don’t like themselves very much so they put others down to make themselves feel better. It’s emotional tourture for the rejected spouse and gives an amazing relief to feel validated. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and I’m happy to not have to wonder what’s so wrong with me that he rejects me anymore.


    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2014 at 9:17 pm #


      I am not familiar with that term. Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry for your pain. How I pray for healing for your marriage.


    • peacefulwife
      February 13, 2014 at 9:18 pm #


      Is there a recommended treatment for this, I wonder?


      • kdkdkd
        February 14, 2014 at 2:27 am #

        Hmmmm. . . . .certainly worth checking out.


  21. Jathy
    February 14, 2014 at 2:18 am #

    I am at such a loss. My husband of 12 years has never shown any interest in being intimate, romantic or even showing affection towards me. A few moments ago that intimacy doesn’t matter to him. He tells me he never thinks about me but yet he tells me he loves me. I am so confused,hurt and lonely.


    • peacefulwife
      February 16, 2014 at 9:01 am #

      Goodness! That would be very painful.😦 what were things like in the beginning? Does he have any medical problems or is he on rx medications? Any history of sexual abuse or porn addiction?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?
      And your parents’ marriage?

      Any addictions or infidelity or mental health disorders or abuse in the marriage?
      Sending you a huge hug!!!
      Much love,


  22. Kri RUstici
    February 19, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

    Where to start. I met my Husband after a bad break up with his Ex. He was never into sex so much but I thought it would change. Ha! He wrote me the most romantic letters that swept me off my feet. All of a sudden he broke up with me to go back out with his Ex. I was devastated but moved on. A few months later we ran into each other while I was on a date with someone else. He started to call me again because he was jealous I think. He told me he really loved me and that he broke it off with his ex because of that. At 23 I believed him. Still very rarely had sex. Maybe once a month. He worked construction and was always tired. I would reach for him and he would push me away. I would cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me. We got married and went on our honeymoon for 2 weeks. Not once the whole time did we have sex. I had to almost force him the night of our wedding!! I went through all kinds of depression thinking I was not good enough for him, self doubt, etc. I was a fairly attractive girl. 5’9 125lbs. Never had trouble before. After 1 child (bounced back quick) it got even worse. Maybe 2 times a year we would have sex and it was always about him never about me. He would say sorry get you next time. Was trying to have another child so we had sex more during this time. I miscarried 5 times. The last I was 5.5 months pregnant. He was mad and upset and said no more! He didn’t want to go through this anymore. I started working out and was in the best shape of my life. He still had no interest in me. We were going to a work party for me one night and he decided he did not want to go. I was upset and went, drank to much and ended up having a one night stand with someone. Someone at the party told my husband 2 years later because she had a crush on him. It destroyed him and me. He then tried to put his mark on me and have sex all the time. Then he would scream and yell call me all kinds of names. He became physical. It was horrible. Long story short it has been 17 years since then we had another child (He thinks its not his sometimes just to hurt me) Looks exactly like him. He has numerous medical issues and could not perform if he wanted to now. I am 53 and have had sex maybe 10 times in the last 10 years. None the last year at all. I know I should leave but feel scared and terrible for my son who loves his Dad. He has one year left of HS and figure I can stick it out, but them I will be the bad guy for leaving my Husband after 28 years because he has so many Medical Issues. Trapped for the rest of my life! In my heart I believe that he was never in love with me and it was only his Ex and she rejected him again so he turned back up in my life because he was the kind of guy who couldn’t be alone. I should have never have done what I did. I regret it everyday of my life. So down about myself and I know now in my heart that it wasn’t me but something with him, but I can’t seem to erase the years of self doubt and very low self esteem about myself. Just felt good finally sharing my story. Thank You


    • peacefulwife
      February 20, 2014 at 6:04 am #


      Goodness! What a nightmare.😦

      I am so sorry that you have both been through so much pain and heartbreak.

      Are you safe? Is he still physically abusing you?

      Jesus is able to heal you. He is able to bring something beautiful from this awful situation. If you are interested in talking about how to have a relationship with Him and how He is able to forgive you and give you a new heart and a new mind and real joy and peace, I’d love to talk with you about that.

      You may also want to seek a godly Christian counselor who will give biblical counsel. You have had some very serious issues in the marriage.

      But – I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ! In Him, all things are possible.:)


      • Lostinlife
        February 20, 2014 at 8:53 am #

        Thank you for your reply. It is just good to get this off my chest. I have gone to counseling. I was told I should leave. He refuses to go to counseling. For soooooo many years I really thought it was me. I still have my own issues of not feeling good enough. He doesn’t trust me anymore and it has been 17 years. I know I have turned in to an unhappy person when I am at home. I no longer have any desire to have sex. Just so sad all the time. There are so many things I want to do in my life and because of his physical handicaps (Most brought on himself). He is a Diabetic who never took care of himself. He is extremely overweight now, eats whatever he feels like, almost lost his foot 10 years ago due to the Diabetes. He can barely walk now and I am sure he will be looking at amputation before long. He does nothing to help himself. Sits in his chair most of the day. Never does any kind of physical activity anymore. I know he is extremely depressed also but does absolutely nothing to help himself. I will never be able to do anything. He can barely walk anymore. I can no longer keep up with all the chores at our house. I just want to sell and move into something more manageable for me. It almost seems like something must have happened to him as a child. His whole family is very dysfunctional. Doesn’t speak to his Dad who left when he was 12 and didn’t see him again until he was 19 years old. His Mom has many, many issues, his sister has been married twice and both husbands left her for other women. My brother in law has been married 3 times and is going through his 3rd divorce. My parents basically had a story book marriage and were very in love. Unfortunately my Dad passes when he was 63 and my Mom never quite got over it. She passed from Alzhiemers a few years ago. In my heart I know I deserve better, I deserve to have someone love me and want me but I am scared. My insurance is through my husbands job and I don’t want to upset the apple cart at this point because of my son. Just not sure what to do. I used to be so attracted to my Husband. For so many years whenever I saw him I would get butterfly’s in my stomach but yet I knew in my heart he never felt that way about me. I can’t believe that I have wasted most of my life living with someone who was never attracted to me. I have always been a strong person and can handle almost anything thrown my way, but when it comes to him, I am a mess. He has a quick mind and a very sharp tongue. He says some of the most horrible things to me. Last year I went to bed one night and his dog who is very protective of him was sleeping next to him, I came up with our old dog and his dog charged him and had him by the face and he was crying. I kicked his dog to get her off of the old one who could not defend himself and he flipped out on me in front of my son. Called me a vicous Cxxx. I could not believe he said that to me. I got so angry I said what did you say to me? he repeated it and I slapped him. I grabbed some clothes and left. My son and daughter kept calling me begging me to come home. They both said he was horrible to say such a thing to me. I ended up going back the next day. I am a complete animal lover and would never just do something to harm one of my animals. Funny his dog did the same thing again recently and he hit her and threw her outside. Way worse then what I did. I didn’t say a word. I just looked at him and I knew he thought about what he had said to me that night. He would never just apologize to me. I live in Sandy Hook Ct and between what happened here last year and my home life I am just devastated I’m just worn out. Thank you again for listening to me.😦


        • peacefulwife
          February 21, 2014 at 9:15 am #


          I believe there is every reason for hope in Christ, my precious girl!

          Was it a Christian counselor you spoke to?

          I’d love for you to read my post today

          Let’s talk about how you can move forward to become the woman and wife God desires you to be, and how you can find healing, wholeness, real peace, joy, purpose and identity in Christ.

          And we will trust God to begin to work in your husband’s heart, to bring him to Himself and to bring healing to him.

          Much love to you!!!!!

          Also, please check out – Spiritual Causes of Depression and Anxiety.

          Let’s take your burdens to Jesus. He is the only one who can heal you. But He is able to give you a new heart, new mind and a new life. And, He is able to do the same for your husband, too. It sounds like he has been very deeply wounded in his childhood and is still imprisoned by what happened to him.

          Much love,


          • Mark
            May 4, 2016 at 10:50 am #

            I have a similar problem to the one I am replying to. I am not physically attracted to my wife, I love her, but think she has an unattractive body. She thinks so too, even before I married her she would always wear a shirt when we would have sex – still does. She gained about 85lbs. then lost it before we met. So she hides it well under clothing. We have overcome a lot over the past 20 years, but I am still sinning in my mind by thinking and looking at women on the internet with attractive bodies. Could you please help?


  23. Karen
    April 13, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

    The moment I met my husband in 1993, I knew beyond any doubt that he was THE ONE! When I arrived home that night I woke my mum and told her: “Mamma! Tonight I met the guy I’m going to marry!” He was like I thought an angel would be. He was kindness, gentleness, strength and goodness personified. Beautiful soft blue eyes, and to me the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. We started dating in March 1993 and got married in Dec 1995.
    Now, 18 years and 3 children (15yrs, 14yrs, and 10yrs) later, I’m amazed at the immense physical pain I feel in my heart that reaches up into my throat and strangles me so hard that the tears just run like rivers down my cheeks and neck and soak my bra…I do my mourning at night when everyone’s asleep. I say mourning, because the pain feels the same as if someone had died.
    He does’n want me and I’m wondering if he ever really loved me. I can deal with him not being interested in sex, but not with being rejected on all other levels.
    When you love someone you are interested in her life. You want to know what she likes and what she’s interested in and what is important to her. You would look in her eyes when having a conversation with her…you would actually want to have conversations with her. You would want to share in her joy and know when she’s sad. You would want to hold her hand tight and give it a kiss. You would give her hugs and make her feel safe. It would be important to you that the kids know you love their mummy. You would kiss her good night and good morning. You would acknowledge her expressions of love and respect for you. She would from time to time see you as excited about her as you are about your new fishing gear.
    I feel so alone. So sad…
    I love Jesus and have a wonderful personal relationship with our Lord. My husband is a Christian, but doesn’t feel it necessary to be a born again Christian. He doesn’t want to go to Church. I do pray for him. I want him to have the joy in Jesus that I have. I want him to be the king of our household as God intends him to be.
    I work hard to try and be a submissive and respectful wife and I still need a lot of work! I am a work in progress an by no means even near perfect but I am trying. I have shared my concerns with him many times over the years but he just doesn’t even try. I’m thinking that he may never have loved me….


    • peacefulwife
      April 13, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

      I am so glad to hear from you! Goodness, I feel your pain. I had hundreds of nights of tears myself earlier in our marriage. It is very painful to feel utterly rejected for long periods if time.

      Would you like to talk about this with me?

      I am praying for all of you!


      • Karen
        April 13, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

        Yes I would:)


  24. T Stafford
    April 21, 2014 at 8:37 am #

    I have been looking for a blog to vent and see if other women were going thru what I am… We have been married almost 18 years.. We use to have a wonderful sex life but my husband has chronic back pain and for the last 5 years it has went to none.. He is on lots of medication and I know why we don’t but it’s so hard for me to deal with because I have a strong sex drive.. I’m the only one who works and it’s just hard.. He’s a wonderful man and had always been good to me.. Please pray for me


    • peacefulwife
      April 21, 2014 at 8:07 pm #

      T Stafford,

      That is so hard!

      I severely sprained my lower back the week after our honeymoon. Waited 6 years of dating and saved sex for marriage, had a glorious week and then I couldn’t bend over, get out of bed, put on my shoes, sit, stand, walk, roll over in bed. It was awful. I cried all ready every day for months. Greg stopped touching me. He turned me down every time I tried to initiate. I know now that he was afraid he would have hurt me, and I know that he would have. But I was completely devastated and spiraled into the most awful depression of my life. My back got better but it took many months. Now, I do exercises and go to a very good chiropractor, but as a pharmacist, I know many patients with severe back pain who cannot do that. Lower back problems make sex almost impossible because you can’t move. All the motions required for sex cause further injury.😦

      Would he be willing to use his hands on you, maybe? That wouldn’t hurt his back, hopefully.

      I am praying for you!!


  25. Army wife 2005
    April 27, 2014 at 9:07 am #

    This topic has really helped me. I pray about it and even though he refuses to touch me I have find peace with reading your article. My husband problem is mainly he would rather watch porn. After our four kids he lost interest really after the 1st the few times in past 10 years we have been intimate I got pregnant. But even after getting fixed and more he does t have any interest in me. I feel just as you said unattractive, depressed and miserable. It’s hard loving someone and being attracted to them and not get anything in return no hugs kisses or I love yous or sex. Literally nothing presents or Christmas or birthdays anniversary’s and so on. Not even recognized I feel alone and humiliated.


    • peacefulwife
      April 27, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Army wife,

      Porn addiction can change a man’s brain so much that he is no longer able to be roused by his wife.😦 That is not your fault! It is not about you being inadequate. This is sin that has him ensnared. And the enemy rejoices and desires to use this sin to destroy him, his life, your marriage, you and your family.

      Is he willing to get help? Does he have a godly male mentor or accountability partner? has resources, even for wives of husbands who are addicted to porn. And has a book for couples who are struggling and suffering from the awful consequences of pornography.

      What does your husband say he needs? When did things change?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      How’s re the other areas of your marriage?

      What do you do when you feel so depressed, upset, rejected and in pain?

      I wish I could hug your neck, my precious sister!


  26. Kayce
    May 11, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

    My husband gave up pornography, by the grace of God, around the time that we got married and became sexually active. He is a very godly man and has succeeded in maintaining abstinence in this area, but it seems as if now he’s shut down that entire portion of his brain. Our sex life is much like you described in this article. But I don’t want my husband to think of sex (or even just his desire for me) as something dirty. I’m sure he knows that sex is a beautiful thing God created for a woman and a man to share in their marriage, but how can he begin to see sex in this positive light? Rather than just putting up his guard all the time to protect from falling back into the same sin? It’s as if he’s always on the defense and doesn’t want to ever pursue me. Do you know of a resource I could point him to to help him?


  27. Erik
    May 14, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

    My wife and were married 20 years ago. Occasionally had sex before we were married however the fear of pregnancy kept us from really enjoying it. She told me sex would be better if we were married ’cause we wouldn’t have to worry about that. It didn’t get better. She quite often avoided sex(she later admitted that). Most discussions we had about sex were very short and sarcastic on her part. I would try to arouse her at night and get no response so many times I would go downstairs and “ring my own doorbell” so to speak. That is something that never occurred to me I would be doing after I got married. About 10 years after we married she recorded Dr. Phil on the Oprah show, told me to watch it and then she went to bed. When I finished watching I went to bed and she was sound asleep. At that point I gave up. I think I actually went through a mourning process. We still had sex, no more or less than before but really didn’t mean much and not much enjoyment on my part. Now she wants sex and doesn’t understand why I’m not initiating anymore. A few years ago my erections started going south. Any health issues have been ruled out. Started using viagra, that has helped. She wanted me to refill a couple months ago (the first 6 pills lasted 7 months). I explained to her that they were expensive. Her response was “they`re still cheaper than a gigilo”.
    Sex has probably been the most frustrating part of our marriage and one of the biggest disappointments in my life. I liken our sex life to a balloon, if someone lets the air out you can blow it back up again but ours has been popped and I don’t know how to put it back together (and I will NEVER want to get a new balloon). Any suggestions would be appreciated.


    • peacefulwife
      May 14, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

      This breaks my heart.😦

      I have heard from quite a number of husbands who were rejected over and over for many years and then eventually they kind of “snapped” and they began to refuse their wives. I think because the pain was just intolerable, perhaps?

      I have a post about a wife’s respect and sexual attraction at the top of my home page – could be interesting.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Thanks so much for your comment. I am praying for healing for you both!


  28. Sad & Lonely Wife
    May 29, 2014 at 10:52 am #

    I googled and found this post. I am so upset. My husband of 6 years is an amazing man. We’ve been through a lot together. Fought infertility, failed treatments, a surprise pregnancy that ended in stillbirth, and recently the adoption of our daughter. After losing our son, our relationship was stronger than ever. We became Christians together about 2 years ago and it has been an incredible journey. Problem is, lately I feel rejected by him sexually. We rarely have sex, it’s usually quick and almost robotic when we do. I’m overweight and feel very self conscious about it. I am afraid he’s no longer attracted to me. He says that’s not the case. I was previously married and in that relationship, I developed the mindset that sex = love/attention/self worth. Our marriage was struggling and sex was the only “positive” attention I got from him. I’ve shared this information with my husband and he says that it’s not fair that I hold my past relationship against him. But I’m not, it’s not a choice I’m making consciously, its engraved in my head and on my heart. I can’t help but feel loved when we are more frequently intimate and feel unloved and disconnected when we aren’t. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he’s usually quick to stash it under the rug so to speak because he doesn’t like confrontation. Unfortunately, when I feel disconnected and rejected, I respond with distance and anger. Why?? It doesn’t help the situation any but then he asks me if something is wrong and while I’d love to use that as an open invitation to be honest with him, the way he asks me sounds like he’s annoyed that he’s having to ask vs. asking out of pure concern. So instead, I feel attacked and just respond with, “nothing’s wrong.” I know this is not right but I don’t know what to do. I made him a gift earlier this week and gave to him. I apologized for being so mean lately hoping it would open the door to conversation and instead he just acted like it was no big deal. I’m so lost and I’ve been praying and trying to be encouraged but I feel myself pulling away from him a little more each day. I just don’t know what to do. I fear that he’s using porn. I caught him using it one of the first few years we were together and we had a huge conversation about out and he promised he never would again. I have no reason to believe he it’s other than he deletes his web history. And I think my insecurities are possibly clouding my vision because it makes me worry that he is using it again/still. I’m so upset, I just don’t know what to do.


    • Kate
      September 3, 2014 at 9:40 pm #

      I’m so sorry, everyone’s situation is different but I know the pain of rejection, insecurity, feeling unloved, and everything else you mentioned. My husband also told me that it’s not me, I did gain a few pounds after we were blessed with our daughter but I’m still “normal” weight and honestly I feel pretty confident in my skin. I try not to let the rejection make me feel bad about my body but it’s so hard not to, no matter what your shape or size. He also uses porn, which is so hurtful because clearly he’s thinking about sex, just not with me. I will be praying for you and all the others here, I hope this is just a test for us and that we can find happiness in out marriages again. As others mentioned, no matter how wonderful our husbands are it’s hard to feel loved when you’re going through this.


  29. glory2him
    June 8, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    I didn’t see this reason posted in the article, but possibly it’s listed in the comments? My husband habitually sexually rejects me because he is passive aggressive. He withholds as a means of control…not just sex, but whatever my need is (compassion through medical crisis, affection, patience, ….etc.) If a passive aggressive person knows what it is you need, (or even if you’ve made an agreement with them concerning your needs) they will set out to stonewall that need from being met. Expectation, of any sort, is met with rejection and withholding. This is a serious personality disorder and causes many wives to feel like they are “losing it.”


    • MHMC
      June 8, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

      I have read about passive aggressive behavior Nd believe that is what I am also experiencing from my husband. I sued to think it was just in the area – now I know it’s any time I want/need him. I recently fell and hurt myself. Instead of coming to my aid and making sure I was ok, he stood at the top if steps with his hands on his hips and just watched me struggle to get up off the ground. I struggled with this behavior for years- he responded this same way when I fell while I was pregnant. After learning about this, an going back an reviewing the things that I’ve seen and heard from him, if realized that I’m not dealing with normal behavior. This is more than that. It’s a need for control, and a need to disconnect. Anything to be independent and not be accountable to anyone. An yet it’s an inward longing to be loved and wanted. It’s very strange behavior. And it can make the spouse feel crazy, unwanted, rejected yet pulled in at the same time. The only way to lib with it is to learn how to not take any of it personally, and leArn how to respond to the behavior in a very matter of fact, unemotional way. I have not learned how to do this, and spend much of my time crying wondering What I did to deserve his anger an rejection.


      • peacefulwife
        June 9, 2014 at 7:13 am #

        Goodness, that makes me so sad!!!!!😦

        Sometimes husbands do awful things because they are sinners – not because their wife did something “wrong.” I’m so very sorry that he won’t help you when you have fallen. Praying for wisdom for you and the resources you need.


        • MHMC
          June 10, 2014 at 1:59 pm #

          April, in reading some of your other posts, I’m getting frustrated (and angry, but that’s my problem). Your advice to controlling women lists all the things they do, that they shouldn’t, and all the things they should do, that they aren’t. I appreciate that, because it helps me put into context what I am, and am not, doing. The part that makes me frustrated is this:

          I am a very outgoing person. (Not necessarily controlling, as I like to be independent, but I am the kind of person that when I see something that needs to be done, I just do it). There are things on the list of “dos” that actually make my husband angry. For instance, not offering advice when listening, and just being there for support. My husband seems to take it personally if I don’t respond in a certain way. I’ve tried to figure this out, and continually feel like I am just falling short. Through our interactions, it feels like he WANTS to be treated as a dependent, which is really frustrating to me, because I’m wanting a leader. He wants me to earn money and work full time because it eases the burden off of him to work. However, after his career switch, he started going to school and only works part time. It feels as if your advice- which is great advice- is the exact OPPOSITE of what makes my husband happy. This makes me feel like I’m living with an unbiblical husband (which I’m starting to believe is the case, even though he professes a faith in Jesus). He displays an opposite personality with me and the kids than with anyone else. He is happy and cooperative with others, and becomes angry and disengaged at home. I feel at a loss. I really don’t know how to act. If being a “peaceful wife” makes him angry, do I just keep being a “peaceful wife” until he accepts it, or do I go back to whatever works for him- even though it so unhealthy? (And makes me feel ugly, worthless, and unloved).


          • peacefulwife
            June 10, 2014 at 3:29 pm #


            Each husband will have his own sense of what is respectful/disrespectful. I offer lists with examples to get women into the ballpark -especially with husbands who don’t or can’t articulate what is respectful or disrespectful to them. But the most important thing is what your husband needs.

            There are times when a wife is changing and husbands get angry about the changes. Especially if they begin to feel conviction about their own sins. And sometimes husbands will lash out and try to get their wives to go back to the old ways because they can then blame their wives’ sins for their own behavior and don’t have to face their own sins.

            I believe you may need a one on one biblical, Christian counselor for your situation. I think it is a bit more complicated and you may need more specific help.

            Thank you very much for sharing!

            I’m sorry this is so frustrating.

            It is possible that he is fighting you about leading because he may not want the responsibility. It may be that he is eventually glad you give him the leading position. But almost all men hate change, even good change.

            Praying for you to find the resources and counsel that you need and most of all for sensitivity to God’s voice and His Spirit. He can prompt you about what exactly to do and say in a given situation in ways that I never possibly could.

            Much love to you!


            • MHMC
              June 10, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

              Thank you, April. It is helpful- and reassuring- to know that it may not be me. I’m willing to take responsibility for what I’ve done and said- but I’m not really willing to be held accountable for his actions. Your prayers are appreciated.


              • peacefulwife
                June 10, 2014 at 11:26 pm #

                Men are sinners, too. A wife may do everything perfectly, and a husband may still choose to sin. It also may be growing pains as you are changing, that forces him to have to face things he hasn’t had to face before. I wish I could hug your neck!!

                Did I tell you about the post, “I’m Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband and He Is Being More Unlocving Than Ever…” If not, you may want to search for it on my home page.

                I don’t know how much of it may apply, but it might give you some things to prayerfully consider.:)


  30. kiran
    June 20, 2014 at 7:11 am #

    Me and my husband have been married for 1 year but together for 8years. Sex was great between us but since we have got married we hardly make love. He always rejects me and comes out with a million excuses. I feel so sad hurt n upset that i dont know what to do anymore. Always question myself maybe hes gone off me or maybe there is another women. I just dont know what to do. Please any advice or help would be grwatly appreciated.


    • peacefulwife
      June 20, 2014 at 9:16 am #

      I am so sorry to hear about this painful situation.😦. I wish no husband or wife ever had to feel this kind of pain. How do you respond when you feel rejected? What does he say? What is your relationship with Christ? What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Do you know if there could be medical issues going on or if he is very stressed, depressed or exhausted? Or is he feeling disrespected? I have a post at the top of my home page about signs a husband may be feeling disrespected that might be helpful. And a post about respect and sexual desire that could be helpful, depending on the situation.

      Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!


      • kiran
        June 20, 2014 at 11:08 am #

        Well his excuses are he feels tired, its late (when its only like 10pm), hes not in the mood, often says hes stressed coz of work but thats his own fault he brings his work life home he does not know how to balance his work and personal life. When he rejects me i get angry really angry and it ends up in an argument where i then start accusing him of having an affair. Yes he has often said he does not like my attitude and how i speak to him n i disrespect him but he makes me be a b***h tohim. I am soo fed up inside this is killing me i feel there is no trust on my part coz he does shady movements! Feel so lost, i have no one to talk to and so embaressed about this situation. I feel hes not physically attracted to me😦 :-(:'(


        • peacefulwife
          June 20, 2014 at 11:24 am #


          I don’t know if he is having an affair. But if he is not, and you respond to him with hatred, anger and accusations of an affair, you are shooting yourself in the foot, my precious girl! That kind of behavior repels men far, far away.

          You cannot control him. You can only control you. If he is having an affair, I pray you will be able to find out and find godly counsel soon. If he is not having an affair, I pray you might apologize for being so untrusting and disrespectful – without justifying your behavior.

          I have a lot of YouTube videos that may be helpful about nonverbal disrespect and about how to ask your husband for things so he wants to say yes. My channel is “April Cassidy.”

          I think your approach will have to change dramatically if you really want to draw him to yourself instead of approaching him in such a destructive way. The destructive approach comes very naturally to all of us, but it doesn’t work. I pray you will be able to find hope in Christ and learn how to die to your old sinful self and live in the power of Jesus so that you can begin to breathe life, blessing and healing into your marriage and become the wife God desires you to be and that will most bless your husband.

          Check out my post about what is attractive/unattractive to husbands. Maybe it will bless you. You can search “attractive to husbands” on my home page.

          Praying for you to find healing in Christ.

          Also, you may want to check out the post “how to make your husband an idol.” And “how to be an anxious, lonely wife.”

          Much love to you!!


          • kiran
            June 20, 2014 at 11:47 am #

            Thank you so much for your guidance.. i will take a look at all recommended…i pray this gets better too x


  31. Benny
    July 6, 2014 at 1:45 pm #

    As a husband, and a Christian husband in a marriage with a Christian woman, I found some very relevant information in your article. I have had problems getting worse and worse for years, and have not had relations with my wife for the last 4 years because of it. I did check on my medical situation, and there is a possibility that it might be my weight – but otherwise everything else seems okay. I haven’t been able to figure it out all this time – but I do know that I am perfectly capable of getting physically aroused – its just very fleeting and once the flag goes down they don’t want to raise again.

    Now, the issues that began even before I was having problems was a sense of rejection, which grew to comments of disgust by my “christian” wife. Negative comments about our relations, during relations and even expressing boredom while we are in the act. She rejected me sexually in this way for a bout 4-6 years, ending it in a way that made me feel like having sex with her was a utility rather than what it began as (two people who were just crazy about each other sharing a great experience) – THAT was all taken away by her attitude. A general attitude of not only wanting to be the “alpha female” but the “alpha male” in our house. She will not listen to anything I say about what she does, but is constantly trying to control me and the house. Its a constant battle with her, passively and overtly depending on the topic. I feel like her attitude is like me drinking saltpeter. I have always been easy going, and tried to have a fair and balanced relationship. I have never been a bully or in any way hurtful towards her. I don’t know why she turned from a person who thought I was special to someone who can’t stand everything about me – but yet wants to hit me over the head with the problem that I can’t have relations with her.

    And the other part is that if I have healed (perhaps it was a temporary issue?), I will never know if things changed because although she wants to use the situation to attack me she doesn’t wan me to try and see if it has changed. In other words, she demands that I magically know I am healed before she will attempt to have sex with me. How am I supposed to know that – I don’t know. But its been another strain in our relationship because I can’t test anything due to her being uncomfortable with me possibly not “making it” again.

    I’m sorry if it bothers some females – but sex is a different animal. A man has to feel like you are turned on by him, or it turns HIM off. This is where you need to be active – you cannot just say “If I wasn’t turned on I…” – no, that doesn’t work. It takes you to make him feel wanted. You can say anything you want but those flags are not going to go up unless certain criteria are satisfied – some of which too much talking is not going to help. You cannot convince your man to become aroused, you cannot argue him into it, and the atmosphere you create based on how he is and how you try to manipulate might negatively affect his sexual ability. Its a basic nature that does not appeal to logic or debate. Now whether or not that is my issue remains to be seen. I’m not a person who thinks on those things all the time. But I know that I do feel there is something not right about going into a sexual experience – some kind of pressure that I didn’t used to have… and not where it should be.


  32. Kate
    September 3, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

    Thank you so much for addressing this difficult issue– bringing in the spiritual aspect is very refreshing and eye opening. I’ve only been with my husband for 3 years and am doing my best to keep myself in shape after the birth of our daughter, but this has increasingly become a bigger and bigger issue for us. We are Muslim but the same basic principles still apply. Perhaps God is doing this to bring me closer to Him and to test my commitment both to Him and to my husband. Everyone is tested in life and this must be one of my tests, but the rejection and the waiting are so hurtful. I wasn’t close to God at the time I met my husband, and I was into the club scene getting lots of attention from men, etc. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that just to be desired again which is completely ridiculous because I’m so blessed to have a great husband and beautiful daughter. But I guess this is how God tests us. Sorry for the long post but I really wanted to thank you for sharing this. If anyone is interested in an ongoing support group to help women dealing with this issue I would be interested. Thanks again and God bless


    • Peacefulwife
      September 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm #


      It is wonderful to meet you!!

      There are precious few resources for wives in this situation, in my view. And it is such a painful thing for any spouse to experience. I am glad you are here. You are welcome to share any time. I can understand that it would be tempting to go back to the place where you felt so desired. But I am glad that you see that there is nothing good that could come from that.

      Congratulations on your baby! And on your marriage.

      I am praying for you – that you might find the hope, peace, joy and healing available in Christ.

      Much love!


    • Alicia
      July 19, 2015 at 1:48 pm #

      In order for God to bless your marriage you must first be a believer in Jesus Christ and have Him as your Lord and Saviour. Please go onto AllaboutGod. Com it is a website put there by the Billy Graham ministry to lead people to Christ.Until you settle the Lordship issue you cannot expect to be blessed in any other area of your life.John 3:16 says for God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.


  33. Steve
    September 18, 2014 at 12:14 pm #

    I’ve been married for 30 unhappy years, and have not left my wife because I honestly don’t think the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage. My wife claims to be a Christian, but has admitted to using sex as a weapon against me, describes herself as “hardhearted and not submissive”, and has insisted on separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. Early on in our marriage she announced to me that we could only have sex on Sunday evenings because that was her only free time. I could go on, but I think the point is clear. She is obviously not the submissive, caring wife, and in my opinion should not have married. It’s been over 15 years since she’s touched me in an affectionate manner. I’ve struggled my whole marriage with lust and temptation, but who wouldn’t? You can’t get blood from a turnip as the saying goes. I’ll look back on my marriage as a waste of 50 years and go to my grave cursing my wife for knowingly destroying our marriage with her willful lack of sexuality and affection. I feel as if I’ve never even had a wife, as she is aloof, detached, and lives in her own little world of religious books and the internet. It’s not always the man’s fault.


  34. allison
    September 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

    I am a young wife, only been married 5 months and my husband and I really struggle with this. He deals with health issues that make him not be in the mood for sex. Coupling that with me as a new wife trying to learn the art of respect (something that I thought I understood before marriage, but that totally changes and becomes a whole different thing when you live together) things are challenging and a lot different than I expected. When he doesn’t want sex I tend to feel like he doesn’t want me which isn’t the case, but is certianly what Satan wants me to believe. What advice do you have for me? How can I channel my sexual desires without disrespecting my husband, and his medical concerns that are out of his control?


    • Peacefulwife
      September 26, 2014 at 9:36 am #


      Yep. I didn’t have issues with respect before marriage – but getting married changed everything! Totally different ball game.

      This is a tough thing. We had a terrible struggle the first summer we got married because I severely sprained my back a week after we got married, and my husband was working on the house we were going to live in with his dad 6 nights per week until 1am. Our honeymoon was glorious, and then, no intimacy for months. I cried constantly and felt so rejected and betrayed. Greg was exhausted working 40 hours per week at his job and then working another 35-40 hours/week on the house. He knew he would hurt me if he tried to be intimate with me. But he never said that, he just stopped touching me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

      Medical problems can be challenging. I hope your husband will talk with his doctor about possible options – as a pharmacist, I can tell you that many, many men take things like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. There are also other options, as well.

      But, in the mean time – I wonder if your husband would be willing to be intimate with you in other ways?

      What do you do and say when you desire him sexually, but he can’t be available to you?

      What does he say about this? I would imagine it is probably a very painful, sensitive, delicate issue for him.


      • allison
        September 26, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

        He is usually just exhausted and tired and I desire him. He will say just give me some time to relax and since I work over full time. I can’t wait up for hours and am usually asleep by then or he’ll just say no not tonight. At first I begged and he still knows but I just try to let it go. It still hurts though.


        • Peacefulwife
          September 26, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

          How long has this been going on?

          Have you tried initiating in the morning? Sometimes that is a better time for men.

          I’m so sorry for your pain! Yes, this does hurt. I am praying for wisdom for you both!


          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

            Thank you. I really appreciate the prayers. He knows how I feel and I think he really wants to give more of himself but can’t with the migraines insomnia etc. Just pray for the both of us that is so so appreciated.


          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

            I mean if he is ill which is often. I feel like I’m being disrespectful if I push ya know.


        • Peacefulwife
          September 26, 2014 at 2:13 pm #


          How much is he working? How often is he having insomnia and migraines?

          Much love!


          • allison
            September 26, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

            He’s a full time student and I work at this time. He always has a hard time sleeping and has migraines often. We have tried sleeping medicines but it only makes things worse as far as attitude and desire. Sleeping medicines drain him even worse.


            • Peacefulwife
              September 26, 2014 at 3:12 pm #

              I certainly will pray for you both. Insomnia can definitely make migraines much worse.😦 so can working a lot of long hours.


  35. kkr
    October 1, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

    My wife got hysterectomy and her overies have been removed. after that operation, she became very reluctanct for sex. even if I beg, she wont accept several times. Even she accepts, only upto masturbation or oral.
    It gives me much unsatisfaction and I became addicted to porn and cyber sex. I know It is sin but when I could not control my self, I sneak into such acts. Some times I tried to have sex with others. I tried to explain my wife about my situation several times. But in vein. with the guilty feeling of my addiction to porn, I am unable to pray. But she is growing spiritually and very prayerful. I suggested for medical help. But she says she is alright. How to tackle my situation. Please help me


    • Peacefulwife
      October 1, 2014 at 6:43 pm #


      Would she consider going with you to a trusted pastor or godly mentoring couple? Or would she consider reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or For Women Only By Shaunti Feldhahn? In the meantime, Christ CAN give you the power to overcome temptation – and I pray you might seek Him with all your heart. This may be a long process. I pray God might open your wife’s eyes to your needs. But I also pray for you to be able to repent from the sin you are involved in and to focus on becoming the man God calls you to be!


      With the love of Christ,


      • Peacefulwife
        October 1, 2014 at 11:16 pm #


        How is your walk with Christ going?

        Is your wife familiar with 1 Corinthians 7:1-5? Does she know the level of temptation you are facing and how much she could help you in this battle?

        Praying for you both!


  36. joey
    November 29, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

    I dont even know where to begin … I am a husband for ten years and a farther for almost two now … my marriage is ok at best not great but ok. I was a pastor for about 12 years met my wife in our church. We got married and the first couple of years were heaven fantastic my wife thought and treated me like I was superman then she just flipped to where she was unhappy more often very whiny naggy nothing I could do ever pleased her. I would ask her what I did wrong she would talk to me very condescending and rude ( still does), so one day I decided to retreat emotinall and physically and spiritually and now most of the time when she asks me questions I respond with I don know but I am sure you will figure it out. I used to matter, my opions had value, I used to be important an now I have gone from trying to drink the pain away to finding comfort in porn to contemplating suicide at times even tho I hate suicide still do. I feel ashamed and powerless and forced to hide behind a false facad just to keep the pace. Many times I have tried to say something only to be met at times with teeth and hair to the face so I have come to a conclusion maybe its all true, maybe I am just a joke and I dont do anything to deserve or earn respect. I love reading all your testimonials but also find they are somewhat discouraging due to the fact my wife is always right. Well to wemon kind thankyou for prooving to us men we are not needed wanted and are usless … I guess I was just borne th wrong gender… pray … just pray I hurt so bad and I know KNOW deeply believe I know I am not innocent …. but I am exhausted…


    • Peacefulwife
      November 30, 2014 at 7:48 am #


      How my heart breaks for your pain, my brother!😦

      Thousands of women read this blog. Most of us started out as controlling, disrespectful wives. I was one, too. I want to give you some encouragement. My heart just aches to hear how low you are right now.

      Most likely, your wife’s actions, motives, words and attitudes have very little to do with you and much more to do with her reverence for and submission (or lack of) to Christ. And, most likely, your wife may not have had many, or any, godly examples of Christ-like femininity, biblical submission, respect, etc… We have all absorbed so many destructive messages from our culture. Many women have no idea they are being disrespectful or that disrespect hurts their husbands. I had no clue that I was contributing to my husband becoming more unloving and passive. I thought he was the whole problem, until God woke me up in 2008 to my lengthy list of sin. Before He woke me up, I was completely blind to my control, disrespect, pride, self-righteousness, unbelief, idolatry of self/happiness/my husband/control, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment…I was mortified when God showed me my sin.

      I am sure you know, porn and alcohol won’t fix anything in this painful situation and will only make things worse.

      God’s design for marriage is that husbands are to love their wives unconditionally and wives are to Reapect their husbands u conditionally. That doesn’t mean that wives must respect sin or that husbands must love sin. But, the commands God gives to husbands and wives in Eohesians 5 are not conditional. It does not say, “wives, respect your husband’s if they are doing x,y and z to your satisfaction.” And it does not say, “husbands, love your wives if you feel respected.” We will each be individually accountable for our own obedience to God no matter what our spouse did or did not do.

      Many wives have their husbands, romance, happiness, control or feeling loved as idols. You can search my home page for
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – happiness
      – romance
      – feeling loved
      – control
      – but I’m right!

      Many men have feeling respected, their wife’s happiness, or sex as idols. I don’t know if that is the case in your situation. It is something that I have seen. What I mean is, it is easy for us to take a legitimate God-given need and make that more important in our hearts than anything else. If I have to have this thing to be content or happy, and it is not Christ, I personally know now that I need to let God examine my motives and my heart for idols. Even if my needs are not being met by my husband, I can have contentment in Christ alone. I don’t have to depend on what my husband does or does not do for me to be at peace in Christ. It would be great if my husband met my needs. But even if he doesn’t, I can be unshakable in Jesus.

      Most women who are disrespectful or controlling are powered by big time fear. (You can search “fear” on my home page for posts about this.)

      Many husbands read my site and use it to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages. You are welcome here. I have seen God change husbands first many times and begin to heal marriages through a husband who began to fully submit to and obey God. Of course, I have seen God change wives first many times, too. You have tons of power to breathe healing and life into your marriage IF you are abiding in Christ and filled with His Soirit, walking in obedience to Him. I cannot guarantee God will change your wife when you want Him to. But I can guarantee He will radically change you for His glory. And, if your wife is going to become the godly wife God desires her to be, it may be only after God begins to change you to become the man He desires you to be. You don’t have to be a victim. You don’t have to be discouraged and depressed and turn to worldly things for relief from your pain. Christ is the greatest Treasure! He can meet the deepest needs of your soul in ways your wife, alcohol and porn never could. How I pray you will turn from those destructive pathways and turn fully back to Christ, my precious brother! He is able to fully heal you!!! He is able to flood your heart with I real contentment, peace, joy, acceptance, purpose and abundant spiritual life!
      You cannot control your wife. But you can become the man God calls you to be. And you can, through the power of God’s Spirit, begin to lead her.

      A book that I believe is a great place to start together as husbands and wives is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.that is the book God used to open my eyes to my sin. Another great resource is Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only and Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Men Only. Those books help us understand each other much better as men and women.

      I am praying for you! I pray you will look to Christ alone for fulfillment, identity, purpose, satisfaction, peace and joy. I pray for God”/ greatest glory in your life and marriage!


  37. Jeff
    January 25, 2015 at 4:23 am #

    Wow! So many Christians hurting and indifferent to each others needs. And when we DO know our needs, find excuses that render those needs “non life threatening” and don’t execute or do them. The church could be so much stronger. These are hard times for many. those hard times make it even harder when a partner will not give proper affection. We are weak as a church. Sure there are some rare couples who are doing well, but it seems that many suffer from a lack of faith of what a believer has as expected duties.

    For myself; my wife is in menopause. You wouldn’t know it, she has long dark hair, slender figure and we still have young kids. I am in fit shape but as some may know, unemployed-house dad in grad school. My wife has exhibited some delusional behavior lately. This morning was nothing unusual. refusal for intimacy, then came to me after breakfast and told me that I needed to stop yelling in order for her to feel sexy toward me. She said the 3 (out of 8) kids we have, came to her and said I was scaring them from yelling at the older one (who has autism). He was being disrespectful and I called him out on it. Anyway, I doubted her story and went to each child separately to corroborate the complaint my wife had on my “yelling.” Turns out none of them complained nor recalled me yelling at anyone. This is not the first time.
    needless to say, this adds to my already depressed condition. I am proposing we stop any-what little we do, sexual activity since she is so appalled by my “abusive behavior” that doesn’t exist. She has refused to make efforts to treat her Vaginismus for 9 months and disrespects me so often I am giving up. Oh, we get along ok. We discuss current things and schedule, but I feel labeled as a boisterous, abusive, feared (she claims my autistic 20year old is afraid to admit to people I am abusive towards him, while he has had NO incidents of abuse from me whatsoever). So, while she is mostly ok with conversations and her job, I am targeted as a complete jerk and that is why she will not be intimate with me. I am looking for estrogen high foods now.

    I am officially giving up. While I do not know what that looks like, it does not involve splitting up since we cannot afford it and we have special needs kids. I will not stop going to church, but the smallest excuse will keep me from there.
    I always hoped for a great job to retire from and to be a bible study teacher and be a respected man in the community and at home. None has happened. I wish I could be more encouraging here. I hoped to be a hero in the church. I was going to be a servant with the servant heart. The man!!
    The only relaxation I have left at 52, is fitness.

    I will move into all veg and fruits diet. My waist is already at 34. (6’3,” 205lb guy) I am going for more lean! It’s all I can do. I’m good at it and I can. Alone, but I can and will.
    April has been very encouraging here and I recommend people listen to her logic and scripture she has mentioned.
    I am remembering all the hurting and lonely, affection-starved people here. The Lord has not ever moved on my prayers, but I will mention all of you who are hurting so much. I speak to my Lord daily, though He has not given me a job I so need and desire, I will speak of you all anyway.
    So sad, Christians too.


    • Peacefulwife
      January 25, 2015 at 7:21 am #


      Please, please don’t give up on Christ, my brother! Your family needs you to be strong in Him. He DOES answer prayer. It seems to me that you are under attack, as well as your whole family. The battle is an invisible one. I know that you have been through a long time of pain and suffering. But you can be the hero – not in your own power, of course – but in the power of Christ and HIs Spirit working and living in You. I know there may be some issues to work through, possibly some bitterness. But my prayer for you is not for you to give up on Jesus or your family – but to press in closer to Him and to seek His face with all that you have and all that you are. Don’t allow the enemy to win here! You may be the only one in your family who is able to intercede and who is able to pray fervently for God to open the floodgates of heaven to heal your family and marriage. If you are with God, you have all of the power of the universe at your disposal.

      My prayer is for you to be willing to allow God to do any changing He desires to do in your heart – that is where your power is – to focus on your walk with Christ and to allow Him to radically change you. We will pray together for Him to heal and restore your family and marriage, as well. The enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Your wife and children are not the enemy. They are probably his captives. I believe God desires to do great things through you – but there may be a time of refining first, and a time of you learning to seek and trust Him even when the circumstances are still a mess. But I believe God can and will use this time of great trial to strengthen your faith, to refine any dross, to help you to grow to become the man of God He desires you to be that He might use you in mighty ways for His greatest glory.

      If you haven’t, please check out Watchman Nee’s book The Normal Christian Life, and E. M. Bounds books on prayer.

      Much love to you, my brother!


      • Peacefulwife
        January 26, 2015 at 12:57 pm #

        Some inspiration for you who are hurting and seem not to be receiving answers for your prayers from God.

        There are some prerequisites to answered prayer:
        1. A relationship with Jesus Christ. (John 17:3)
        2. Faith that God can and will answer your prayer. (Hebrews 11:6)
        3. Obedience to God’s Word and what He has clearly revealed for you to do. (John 14:23-24)
        4. Repentance of all known sin. If we regard iniquity in our hearts, God will not hear us. (Psalm 66:18)

        Sometimes, there is a delay in God’s answers to our prayer. These are times of testing our faith to prove and refine it. E. M. Bounds describes the importance of delay in his book Prayer and Faith:

        “Faith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honored. It takes God at His Word, and lets Him take what time He chooses in fulfilling His purposes, and in carrying on His work. There is bound to be much delay and long days of waiting for true faith, but faith accepts the conditions. It knows there will be delays in answering prayer, and regards such delays as times of testing. During that time it is privileged to show its mettle, and the unyielding stuff that it is made of…

        (description of the importance of Jesus’ delay in going to Lazarus when he was sick)

        Jesus’ delay was in the interests of a greater good.

        Fear not, O tempted and tried believer, Jesus will come, if patience is exercised and faith holds fast. His delay will serve to make His coming the more richly blessed. Pray on. Wait on. You cannot fail. If Christ delays, wait for Him. In His own good time, He will come, and will not tarry.

        How much patience is required when these times of testing come! Yet faith gathers strength by waiting and praying. Patience has its perfect work in the school of delay. In some instances, delay is the most essential part of the prayer. God has to do many things before He can give the final answer- things that are essential to the lasting good of the one who is requesting favor at His hands.”


  38. AL JONES
    February 11, 2015 at 10:24 am #

    Hi, love the post , I came across it while looking to find help to relight the fire in me sexual because finally my wife is a flaming star ,real quick here is the background history been marry for 34 plus years,but she was sexual abuse and had blocked it out untill the second night of our marriage and wow it all came back ,so being I made a vow with God and her but more with God because Iconsider myself a returning child and did not want to mess up with God anymore, so I pour my heart into God and her by reading and buying all the relationships book I could get ,but she would read with me but yet she went to church EVERY Sunday faithful, she tried council, but once they told her that the person was satanic she would not go back bacause the person was a church going family member, so let move to now after get myself to the point where it was ok if we did and ok if we did not she is a flaming star now and I’m a puff dragon with no fire and she is having a big problem with it so Ineed help to get my fire back because Ialmost told her that she can Ihave her freedom and go else where but being I know satan TACTIC I did not let it come out but is trying to find ways to resolve our problem and your post is right on time and point in my case ,rejection low testosterone and disrespected willing to try almost anything as long as it is GODLY.


    • Peacefulwife
      February 11, 2015 at 8:01 pm #

      Al Jones,
      Glad that this post was a help to you. Praying for wisdom for you and your wife, my brother!!!! And for healing for your marriage.


  39. HRN
    February 25, 2015 at 10:50 pm #

    I was searching the Internet for men, who’s desire might have diminished due to constant rejection, and your blog touched me. My wife and I have just seemed to have a decreasing sex life and it is completely frustrating. We both love and respect each other dearly but sexually I am just exhausted. Every time I bring it up the issue of sex the topic of size comes into play. I am too large and it hurts. I consider myself average but after 8yrs I imagine she would be used to it…….. I’m tired!


    • Peacefulwife
      February 26, 2015 at 11:18 am #


      I am so sorry for what a difficult situation this would be for you both.😦 I do hope that she might be willing to talk with her OB/GYN and perhaps they might have some suggestions? If length is the main issue, there are some devices that help with that available online.


  40. lanette
    March 10, 2015 at 6:24 pm #

    Thank God I have found this page.I cannot express to you how comforting this is for me to read. Thanks again. I believe God has lead me to this website. I have been silently suffering but this is like a dose of medicine for my sanity. Thanks again precious lady. I will try your suggestions.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 11, 2015 at 10:24 pm #

      You are most welcome! You are not alone in this, as you can see from the comments. I pray God might give you His wisdom and healing. Much love to you!:)


  41. Kathleen
    June 17, 2015 at 7:47 pm #

    Thank you so much for this article! I needed it so badly. As a wife of a man who struggles with depression and stress and is a recovered porn addict, I have been rejected by him many times when I’ve clearly initiated. It is very painful. This article was very encouraging to me. Just to know that other women go through this too is encouraging. I can so relate to feeling like something is wrong with me because all the Christian books I’ve read on instance tell the woman to up her game when my marriage is the complete opposite. Again, thank you so much for your article!


    • Peacefulwife
      June 17, 2015 at 7:57 pm #


      I’m so thankful this blessed you. You may want to search “porn” on my home page search bar – I think some of those posts may also be helpful.

      You are most welcome and loved here. It’s wonderful to meet you!


  42. Larry B
    June 26, 2015 at 2:01 pm #

    Great, well thought out article. Neither spouse should sexually reject the other. Your title is apropos: sexual rejection is devastating (and destructive) to the love that the rejected spouse feels towards his/her spouse, and that is very harmful to the marriage.


    • Peacefulwife
      June 26, 2015 at 9:07 pm #

      Larry B.,
      Thank you so much for sharing. It’s a pleasure to meet you.


  43. Joe
    July 1, 2015 at 3:53 pm #

    Peaceful wife,
    Can i talk to you about my problem, the end of my 40 yr marriage, im divorced 9 mons now, can i pick your brain ? Im devastated, i still love and need her so, i have an agape love for her, we were so close three kids together, i even taught her how to drive, shes a christian. She said God told her to divorce me, but God allows for divorce ,but ask us not to, and he dispises divorce, so being a Christian why would she do something God despised, he would never tellher to do that, because of my infidelities, but i think her sin of rejection caused my sin of lust and my infidelities, i never had intercourse with any woman, i did stupid things out of loneliness. Thanks Joe


    • Peacefulwife
      July 1, 2015 at 7:34 pm #


      So heartbreaking! I hate to hear about the pain you have both experienced.😦

      I am not sure if you are talking about a porn addiction or sexting or strip clubs or what, exactly. But – here is what I have seen over the past few years as I have conversed with thousands of women and hundreds of men:

      “We are most tempted to sin when we are being sinned against” – Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage.

      What usually happens is a sinful cycle. For instance: a husband feels ignored or neglected. He succumbs to temptation of some type. This causes the wife to feel unloved and unsafe. She feels that trust has been broken. So she withholds herself even more. He feels more ignored and neglected and goes further into his lust and sin. She respects him even less and trusts him even less and pulls away more.

      Both husband and wife usually contribute in some way to sin.

      And yet, God never gives any of us a free pass to sin just because someone sins against us.

      If I feel unloved and feel that my husband is not giving me enough attention, I may be tempted to look to another man for attention – but God does not condone me to sin. I will stand accountable to God for my obedience to Him and for every thought, every word, and every deed no matter what my husband does or does not do. He will be accountable to God for his sin and his obedience to God. We will be judged by God individually. So even if my husband ignores me or neglects me or refuses to meet my needs, God holds me to my end of my marriage covenant and does not excuse sin in my life.

      In our marriage, my husband became very passive and unplugged. I didn’t know that it was largely due to my disrespect and control. He never confronted me about my sin. I felt justified all those 14+ years to treat my husband the way I did because I was hurting and felt unloved. He felt justified to unplug and be passive because I was hurting him and he felt disrespected. But neither of us are justified to sin in God’s eyes.

      God calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her selflessly and with agape love no matter what their wives do or do not do (Eph. 5:22-33). And God calls wives to honor and respect their husbands so that the word of God is not maligned (Eph. 5:22-33, Titus 2:5). But He does not call husbands to love their wives’ sin and He does not call wives to respect their husbands’ sin.

      If one spouse confronts the other about his/her sin, and that person refuses to repent, we are to follow Matthew 7:1-5 and then Matthew 18:15-17. There can be cases where there is unrepentant sin where a spouse may need to separate until the other spouse is willing to repent and change and allow God to transform them to be more like Jesus.

      I don’t teach men on my site, but many men use my site to reverse engineer things in their marriages and their relationships with Christ. But the things God teaches men and women are often similar. With wives, I focus on what God calls us to do, our faithfulness to God, our obedience to Him, our holiness, our willingness to repent of all sin, our willingness to allow God’s Spirit to be in control instead of the flesh no matter what our husbands are doing. We are called to be godly wives and God will reward us for our obedience even if our husbands don’t change and don’t meet our needs in this life time. The same is true for husbands.


      • Peacefulwife
        July 1, 2015 at 8:09 pm #


        Perhaps, as you allow God to change you and fully submit to His Lordship, your wife will see, in time, that you are being transparent, trustworthy, and Christlike. And perhaps her heart may soften to you. Our God is a God who is able to fix broken people and relationships.

        We will pray that God might work in you both forHis greatest glory, my brother!


        • Joe
          July 4, 2015 at 6:35 pm #

          I love her so, i feel like i have been ripped in half, she threw me out of ghe house in june of 2014 and divorced me in sept 2014 im devastate, i taught her how to drive, her sin of rejection caused my sin of infidelity, i never had intercourse but did some stupid things, shes a Christian and if she didnt love me then that makes our children bastards, doesnt it….
          Why would a Christian do something God despised ?
          Apparently her pastor and his wife pastor (non bible ) told her God wouldnt be mad at her for divorcing me…
          How dare them, tell her that, they never called or ever talked to me, they stuck up for her ,because all the tithe checks were in her name about $7000.00 per yr to a small church….
          They never once talked to me, i attended that church frequently……
          They took the side of the checks, her checks, wven tho the that money was half mine, i hope both the pastor ned and his pastor wife sue burn in hell….. they could of stopped this, and choose the money instead, now i all alone at 63 crying myself to bed every night…. my punishment just doesnt seem to fit my crime…..
          How can a man go on being ripped in half bleeding profusely and my other half , live in my home i worked so hard for ? She still getting my ss check for $700.00 per month, thats all thats keeping me going, is thinking theres hope, because i dont think she would keep that money unless theres hope… unless shes that angry and vindictive…. Joe


          • Peacefulwife
            July 4, 2015 at 9:22 pm #


            My dear brother! I can feel the depth of your pain in your words. I am SO VERY sorry for the pain you are both going through.

            And yet, I want to be really careful here – because it would be easy to go off on some unsound theology in a painful situation like this. And unsound theology will make things much worse instead of us listening to the truth and the truth setting us free.

            Your children were born in wedlock – so they are not “bastards.”
            The truth is, her sin of rejection increased your temptation to infidelity – but she cannot cause you to be unfaithful. That is a decision you made. Her rejection was a decision she made. She probably felt justified in that because she felt unloved or something. We all tend to justify our sin. But God does not do that. We are each guilty of our own sin and accountable to God for it.

            It is only when we begin to focus on our own walk with Christ and our own sin and what God wants to change in us that we can begin to heal – in my experience.

            We all do things God despises. He despises all sin. Your sin. My sin. Your wife’s sin. It’s all completely repulsive to God. Why do any of us ever sin in any way if we know Christ?

            I wish that they had talked with you, as well. Perhaps you can speak to them? But I am very concerned about the hatred that is in your heart – it will destroy you, my dear brother! I pray you will run to Christ and find freedom in Him and abundant spiritual life! I pray for His healing for your soul and for your marriage for His glory!

            Much love in Christ to you!

            How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
            I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually


            • apachejoejoe
              July 5, 2015 at 1:02 am #

              I really dont hate the pastor and his pastor wife, but what they did is wrong….
              They should of tried to help, instead of everybody throwing me away like a piece of trash, for their personal gain, if they would of told my wife she was wrong, she would of left the church and they would of been out $7000.00a year…..
              Well, they sold me out…..
              The money was more important then saving my marriage and SOUL…..
              I have surrounded myself with Christian friends and drive 400mi back and forth to church every week. And the pastors love me, they pray for my wife and i, total strangers, i go to the Berean Calvary church, all they do is speak and teach the truth in the bible, and that is what i was seeking, not the fuffly stuff, like joel Osteen speaks to fill their itchy ears, but the truth…..
              I took a crash course in the bible. Im anew creation,and my wife said i would never change….. i still fight the sin of lust so hard, and im not giving up sex, im just having it alone…. but then you think, well hes fantasizing and thats a sin…. yes your right more sin, yes, but i dont want to return to my own vomit….
              So it keeps me in line…i guess, im so confused, i just wanna go home, but never can….
              Please pray for me, im so scared, for my family…. my life is going like crap, im always in trouble, nothing goes right anymore…..
              I think my wife lies when she said she forgives me, that why i have a curse of unforgiveness… the thing that hurt me most, is when my said and told others i do love you (or him) anymore…. Jesus said you say you hate your brother (or spouse) and say you love me…. Your a LAIR, HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU HATE YOU BROTHER OR SPOUSE, WHOM YOU HAVE SEEN AND SAY YOU LOVE ME WHOM YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN, YOUR A LAIR….. Joe


              • Peacefulwife
                July 5, 2015 at 6:19 am #


                I’m so sorry that you feel like the pastor and his wife didn’t try to help you or involve you or support you. I can understand why that would be very upsetting. I’m glad that you don’t hate them. Hatred is so very toxic!
                I”m really glad you have a strong support system and people who are praying for y’all. That is awesome!

                How is your time with God going?

                Jesus does say we are to love Him so much that in comparison, our love for other people looks like “hate” but there are many commands about that we are to love others and not hate them. He is not literally talking about hating anyone in that passage. The second greatest command is for us to love others as ourselves.

                There is every reason for hope in Christ, my dear brother! God can restore and heal you. I pray that you might discover His peace and joy and walk in holiness by the power of His Spirit working in you. I pray for healing for your soul and your wife’s soul and for reconciliation in God’s perfect timing – and that your marriage might bring great glory to God.


  44. Deborah
    July 3, 2015 at 11:34 pm #

    I really need help with this I’ve been married for thirteen years love my husband to pieces he started with type 2 dibeties. Before then we were struggling through this issue with sex at first I thought it was me the blame am I to heavy am I attractive anymore what’s wrong with me I would buy sexy lingerie make beautiful dinners I always cook but I would do things to enhance the mode nothing turn hI’m on he wouldn’t talk to me nothing I became very frustrating very frustrating!!! What the World!!!! He doesn’t talk!! I had to force it out of him through a dear friend of his he recommended us to see a special doctor so we did and he prescribed something for him and glory!! It work for a while it was very expensive we couldn’t afford it anymore then the dibeties got worst so we haven’t had sex for three years now what can I do this is crazy I need much prayer a pastor wife goes through so much listening to other people problems praying for others who prays for us right now I lay before God crying I don’t understand he doesn’t touch me hold me he doesn’t eat with me watch TV I’m alone all the time please pray for us feeling lonely.


    • Peacefulwife
      July 4, 2015 at 9:00 pm #


      So heartbreaking! Is he willing to cut out sugar from his diet?

      Diabetics tend to develop impotence as a complication.😦 There is almost nothing more depressing to a man and more emasculating than that. I would imagine that he may be very depressed, discouraged, and feel extremely defeated. If he sees you really upset with him and sad a lot, that probably contributes to his feelings of depression and like he is not good enough and is not meeting your needs.

      Has he shared what he needs? Does he have anyone to pray with him and encourage and minister to him – a man?

      Is he willing to talk about his medical situation with you at all?

      How do you respond when he doesn’t meet your needs and you feel very lonely?

      Sending you the biggest hug! You are not alone in this – many, many people are going through very similar fiery trials, my precious sister!

      I will pray for you right now!


  45. Suezanne
    July 5, 2015 at 1:44 pm #

    Not sure if it site is still operating but married 15 years have sex twice a year if I’m luckky!!!!! feel so angry lonely ugly n goin crazy need to finally talk please if u could


    • Peacefulwife
      July 5, 2015 at 2:01 pm #


      I am so very sorry to hear about what is happening in your marriage.😦 Are you dealing with addictions or medical issues? I’m happy to talk with you about this.

      Much love to you!


  46. Marshall
    July 8, 2015 at 6:14 pm #

    Thank you very much for all of your input regarding respect, submission, love, spiritual authority, etc. I have been married for 21 years and the last 3-5 years have been miserable to the point that I am considering something that I thought I never would (divorce).

    My wife and I were both Christians when we got married, but we have very different ideas about how to have a relationship with God as we go through life and marriage.

    My wife has always displayed all of the controlling characteristics that you describe in your videos. Early on in the marriage, this was able to be overcome due to a strong mutual physical attraction and relatively similar views on most things. So, sex was great and I have the type of personality that attempted to achieve equilibrium and peace by going along to get along, even when it meant backing down from things that were important to me. I would show my goodwill in yielding during decision-making, expecting to receive some consideration for my views coming back my way throughout the relationship, but when it didn’t come, I subconsciously got more resentful. I brought this up often throughout the years (which often sounded like complaining), and only after counseling 2 years ago began to get the full picture from her perspective that it was my fault for giving in during stalemates when decisions had to be made. I could have just done nothing and let the arguments or indecision continue indefinitely according to her.

    So, obviously communication has always been a problem. Add to the equation that we have very different views and maturity on money. She is the more mature one, having grown up very well off and being very conservative with money. I grew up poorer, very self sufficient and willing to take more risks and not worried about the bank account getting low. Raising our 2 kids in an expensive city and trying to keep up with cost of living upper middle class drained our savings account a couple of times, but my six figure salary and her 5 figure salary always kept us relatively secure in my opinion. Not so much for her…my allowing our spending to drain her security blanket has put a huge division between us. We recently moved to a lower cost city which we both love, have a good amount in the bank and a low mortgage, but my wife did something very sneaky to protect herself when we moved here. When we sold our house in the expensive city, she purposely put all of the money in her private account and then we used a good portion of it for down payment in the new city. She has kept the remaining equity (several tens of thousands) in her account and has told me that I now have no say so over what we do with it because she doesn’t trust me. I didn’t see that one coming. Okay, I understand her insecurity and lack of trust, but the majority of all of our resources has come from my income over 21 years, so I believe I do have a say so. I have offered a couple of alternatives for this money just sitting in the bank with no interest, but she is adamantly refusing for any type of CD, money market, IRA, anything, because she wants to have cash in savings because it makes her feel good to see it there. I have always had faith for God to provide, and I am not really worried about the money because I don’t want to spend it on anything, but the principle of the matter has really made me furious. We are unequally yoked in the area of tithing as well…she feels it is an antiquated Old Testament idea, and feels that we should only be talking about doing that once we pay all of the bills and do all of the projects that she wants to do and then see what is left for giving. i believe that we should commit to tithing, even if we can’t do quite 10% right away, and let our obedience to God result in greater resources over time where we can give 10%. We do our own thing now with separating bills, etc…all because she is not willing to pool our resources and pay bills and plan vacation, savings, giving, etc together. She definitely does not want there to be a situation where our money is combined and she wants to do one thing with discretionary income and I want to do another and she doesn’t get her way through me being insistent and leading. So, her solution has been to separate bank accounts and only pay so much on certain bills while I pay the rest.

    Obviously the crisis exists now because I have gotten more insistent on wanting to lead and have begun to enforce healthy boundaries, which I knew nothing about until recently. My wife is insistent on not submitting because she feels (says) that I am not a good leader and that I don’t consider her or love her. I have insisted many times that I do love her and that my mistakes have not been an indication that I didn’t care about her, but that I was human, immature and growing into a better man. She has a lot of resentment for not being able to control me and has verbally questioned, “Why do you have to have a say in everything…why can’t you just let me do what I want?” I believe a big reason for this is that she grew up with a very domineering mom and a submissive father. Her mom verbally and sometimes physically abuses her dad and he is the kind of passive needs-mommying personality that is okay with it…It works for them. Her dad made a lot of money and mom stayed home and ran the house, the kids, the dad, the vacations, the car purchases, etc and they are still very well off and seem to be getting along fine..they have found their equilibrium. But it doesn’t work for us, and I am constantly being compared to how her dad made enough to take care of everything without needing moms help. Well, we built our lifestyle on a 2-income foundation, and now the insistence that “if you want to do something outside of what I am willing to help with, then you will have to figure out how to do it on your own” is how my wife approaches financial discussions.

    My wife is a Christian who trusts in intellect more than obedience to God. She is admittedly very controlling, and blames others for not doing things the way she needs them done, which triggers her rightfully indignant response of needing to take over. She is in extreme denial about her contribution to conflict in relationships. Every difficulty can be traced to some event, some feeling, some reaction that she has had to adopt in order to deal with others’ issues.

    I am much more interested in relationship, which is the reason why I have a much better time with the kids. Interaction regarding them has predictably been the reason for the absolute hell that our relationship has deteriorated into during the past 3-5 years.

    So, 5 years ago was the move. In the city we were in, the recession hit hard and I was laid off…I had several leads for new gigs there, but she wanted to move to a less expensive city and to be closer to her retired parents and younger sister. The relationship was already on shaky ground, so I agreed to this move partly for a new beginning which I thought would help, and partly to give her what she needed to be happy so that I could have a chance for peace in the relationship…made sense to me at the time, but anyone reading this knows what happened next. I left all of my family and friends (i.e. support group), the relationship didn’t get better, her controlling nature got worse, the kids now needed more intense decision making discussions with higher stakes…A recipe for disaster. As I interacted with her from everything to which sports the kids would play to should we let them spend the night at friends to making them clean their room, it was a non-stop argument every day for the past 5 years. Add in the dysfunctional financial interactions when life’s emergencies came up. We finally went to marriage counseling 2 years ago when the arguments started ending with her saying:

    “Why don’t you just leave if you don’t like it”
    “We should have never gotten married”
    “You’re a horrible father”
    “You’re a terrible husband”
    “This marriage was a mistake.”
    “We need to figure out an exit strategy.”
    “What are we doing, we should just get a divorce.”

    So, first day of counseling, therapist asks what do expect to get out of it.

    My answer “I hope that we can get some tools to understand each other better and learn how to resolve conflict better.”
    Her answer “I want you to tell him why he is wrong so that he can start doing what is right in the relationship.”

    After about 3 months of counseling, we stopped going because it was only making things worse…we made the mistake (that we were cautioned not to make by the therapist) which was using the discoveries made in therapy as weapons throughout the week on each other. SO, more disaster. My wife came out of therapy claiming that the therapist didn’t know what they were talking about with the statement that “we are each co-responsible for the conflict in the relationship either by commission or ommission.” My wife will only subscribe to the notion that everything that is wrong in her relationship with me or the kids or her job is due to us doing something wrong, or not doing something right which causes her to react in a way that she needs to to protect herself.

    During this counseling, one of the issues discussed was now sex. I wasn’t as interested in it anymore. I really connect with your statements about how control and disrespect by my wife has driven all desire for her out of me. I am a firm believer in the power of God to do anything and for me to be attracted to her again sexually would definitely be a miracle. I believe in miracles, I just don’t know how God is going to do it. I am an extrovert, I have a small personal space bubble and am very touchy-feely. Several years ago, my wife told me that she was tired of me being under her and grabbing her in a flirting way all of the time…that was the beginning of the end of affection towards her from me. Her unyielding domineering personality and disrespect has reached too many levels to bring myself to even the mental picture of approaching her with my body. I have withheld sex recently due to this disrespect to which she has said that I am disobeying God. I have admitted to her that she is right, but have told her that I cannot honestly lean in to her in that way until some healing takes place. She doesn’t care and wants to insist on having sex in spite of zero emotional and zero friendship intimacy. So, the last time that we had sex was 3 months ago, I initiated and in fact did it twice in one weekend. 3 days after that, I was told again that I have no say in how we spend our savings AND I found out that I was lied to about how much we were getting back on our tax refund because she wanted to keep it a secret so that I wouldn’t have any say in how we used it for the household. She says doesn’t think it was a lie because it was done in order to use the money for something we needed to take care of anyway, so the ends justified the means by which she hid it from me. I have told her that I am available to have sex with her anytime she wants, but that I just don’t have the heart to come on to her and initiate right now until I go through a lot more prayer, counseling and time. She said that I am withholding if I don’t initiate because she doesn’t want to initiate, so now if we get in a discussion about it where I am telling her of the difficulty I am having in this toxic environment, she overtly locks the door to the bedroom or bathroom in a dramatic huff and tells me nevermind she will just take care of it herself.

    So, I know that there is a lot of dysfunction here and responsibility on both sides, but I have a question. What is your advice on how to deal with having sex with my wife, i.e. initiating in this case, since that is the only way I get credit for having sex with her, otherwise she will take care of it herself and condemn me and judge me for sinning and withholding it from her. I can do it out of obedience, but I will be going through the motions and it will just be disconnected, non intimacy physical action for her benefit. I will feel absolutely disgusted and worse afterwards, especially when she reminds me of her controlling and disrespectful nature, which I have not even gotten in to. Undermining, cursing, calling me names, interrupting, belittling, contempt, yelling, etc. Does God really insist that I have sex with a wife who treats me like this?

    Sorry for the long post…venting:)



    • Peacefulwife
      July 8, 2015 at 7:17 pm #


      Is your wife open to reading any books together? Like Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? Or Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – even just the first chapter – edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem? Or would she be willing to watch David Platt’s Secret Church series on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood on Youtube with you, or by herself?

      Would she be willing to read about God’s sovereignty? Usually, when a wife is controlling, there is a belief that she is actually responsible for a lot of things and people that she isn’t really responsible for. This is going to require addressing many of her fixed beliefs about self, God, masculinity, femininity, and marriage that she has held since childhood.

      I don’t know if she would be willing to read one of my posts, but “Fear Fuels Our Need for Control” might be helpful. Is she open to you sharing with her spiritually? Is she open to you praying with her?

      She likely learned her perspective and her fixed beliefs from her parents’ relationship – and the media. She learned growing up that it is normal and “good” for the wife to be totally in charge and the dad to be completely passive. She will need to be able to hear or read about what God’s design really is so that she can compare her fixed beliefs to the truth of God’s Word. But it will take God to open her eyes. And then it will take a total tearing down of everything she thought she knew about God, the Christian walk, marriage, masculinity, and femininity and a complete rebuilding on Christ alone and His Word. That is the only path to healing for us all. It is where we all start on this journey of sanctification.

      Have you shared with her the sins she has committed against you? I have a post, “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sins” – that is full of biblical principles to apply when someone sins against us. Might be helpful to prayerfully consider.

      What do you do when she disrespects you? How do you address it?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      What are you doing to get rid of the bitterness that would naturally want to build up and become toxic in your heart?

      What do you believe God is calling you to do as the God-given leader of this family?

      How do you believe God might want to use you to bless her and to share truth with her in love?

      How do you believe you could handle the sex situation in a way that would most honor Christ? You only control yourself. You will only answer to God for yourself. How can you most please God in this situation for His glory so that He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant”?

      What did the counselor suggest to you?

      What kinds of things do you pray for her?

      Praying for God’s wisdom and the power of His Spirit for you, my dear brother!


      • Peacefulwife
        July 8, 2015 at 9:56 pm #


        Even if your wife won’t read those books with you, I especially recommend Chapter 1 of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – even if a husband reads it by himself. There is a free download available at And the David Platt series will bless you even if you watch it by yourself, I believe.:)

        Also, please check out the husband’s story on the post from this week who had a disrespectful wife.


        • Peacefulwife
          July 9, 2015 at 7:31 am #


          It seems to me that withholding sex would mean refusing to have sex. I guess I have a hard time accepting the definition that a husband or wife refusing to initiate is the same as withholding. It’s not ideal – but in my understanding – not the same as refusing sex with his/her spouse.

          Another post that may be helpful – “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”

          Here is the good news for the men, most wives that I work with, especially Christian wives – truly DO love their husbands. They really want their marriages to work. Most women today – especially women under 50, but even some older than that – haven’t ever witnessed a wife treating her husband respectfully or seen a wife honor her husband’s leadership. If a wife had a very controlling mother and passive father, that programmed her to believe that this is what a “healthy, normal marriage” looks like. I don’t know a lot of wives who purposely try to disrespect their husbands. The disrespect and control come from a place of lack of faith and trust in God and a lack of understanding of where her responsibility ends and her husband’s and God’s responsibilities begin. She likely has no idea how much damage she is causing. She may not be able to see her sins, just like I couldn’t see mine until God opened my eyes.

          Some approaches that I think may be helpful, potentially, to prayerfully consider:

          – Describe your pain and hurt, rather than anger. It is much more difficult for a wife to dismiss a husband’s pain and feelings of being hurt than it is for her to dismiss anger. She may not see the hurt behind the anger and may just become defensive, focused on how “right” she is if you focus on words like anger or disrespect.

          – The word disrespect just doesn’t compute for a lot of women. We tend to have a large lack of understanding of how men think and how differently they think from how women think. So the more you can explain your world view and perspective, the better, in my view.

          – Talk about feeling “unloved.” Maybe even say, “When you yell, criticize, take over, try to control me, undermine my authority with the kids, belittle me, try to take away my God-given free will, etc… I feel very unloved and alone in our marriage.”

          – If her mom is really controlling toward her, or there is another woman in her life who tries to control her and it really upsets her, sometimes things will click with a wife if she understands that the way she feels around that controlling woman is very similar to how her husband feels when she is controlling. Does she want to spend lots of time with this controlling woman? How does she feel when she sees it is that woman calling her? How does she feel when she is being controlled? Does it make her want to sit and cuddle with her mom on the couch when her mom is really critical, undermines her authority as a mother, belittles her, calls her names, disrespects her, etc…?”

          God can give you the power, as you seek Him far above all else, to be the man, husband, and father He calls you to be – regardless of what your wife does or does not do. Right now, she is in a prison of isolation, fear, worry, loneliness, and discouragement. If she knew how to be a godly wife, if she knew how to trust God, if she knew how to treat you with real respect – she would do those things. Right now, this is what is in her heart – and I don’t know if this is helpful – but… this is how she would treat any man she was married to. She would be this way if she were married to Billy Graham or David Platt. The things you see in her character reveal her relationship with God. How she treats you is a barometer of how she honors and respects God. How you love her is a barometer of how you love God. When we are pressured and squeezed by the sins of others against us – our true nature and character is reveals. The other person doesn’t cause us to act the way we do – their sin against us just reveals our real hearts and our real spiritual condition. What your wife is doing isn’t personal against you. It is the only way she knows how to be.

          I believe that as you allow God to refine you and to indwell you and as you have His mind, His heart, His power, His truth, and His Spirit – He can empower you to gently teach and lead your wife. It will be a long journey. But God can prompt you how to speak the truth in love and how to lead her. It is probably going to be an extremely slow, tedious, painful process. But as you pray and seek to show the love of Christ to her – we will trust God to work in her heart and soul to open her eyes. At this point, she may not really have ever received the grace of Christ. She may not understand what sanctification is about. She may be blind to a lot of things spiritually. You can’t change her. But you can be God’s partner and trust God to change her and to love her through you.

          When she is really worked up and upset and worried, I love the approach a husband could take of holding his wife, smiling at her, and saying, “You seem really worried and anxious about this. Let’s take it to God together right now. He’s sovereign over this. We can trust Him, Sweetheart. Please don’t worry.” You can share scripture with her – Philippians 4:4-8, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:18-25. You can teach her and your children about the attributes of God. You can model living by faith. You can start a devotional time and read a devotion or Bible chapter together if you want to.

          One book that I have used with my children is Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Not all of it is relevant or applicable to children. But I read many of the sections to them. The lies we tend to believe about God, about emotions, about self, about sin, about marriage… SUPER helpful to see the lie that we embrace from our culture and our sinful nature and then to see the truth of God’s Word. The way God changes us is He renews our minds through the truth of His Word. You, as husband and leader, have the power to decide to teach things to your family. If they don’t want to read a book, that’s fine. You can read it, and then pray for God to help you weave His truth and confrontation of lies into your conversation. You can combat wrong thinking and ungodly thinking with Scripture whenever you see it in your wife or children.

          I think today’s post may be helpful – a springboard for you to use to reach your wife where she may be feeling insecure:
          Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

          In Him,


    • David J.
      July 8, 2015 at 8:28 pm #

      Marshall: First, I agree wholeheartedly with April’s suggestions. And I recognize that following through on her suggestions may (or will) take more grace and moral courage than you think you have — but try anyway and ask God for all the help you need to hang in there.

      Second, I have been in your shoes, almost exactly. You have described my (now ex-) wife almost exactly, except she never had any money and she never liked sex. But the totally fear-based reaction to financial issues; the lack of any real trust in God; the lack of any grace toward her husband for any mistakes, setbacks, or (God forbid) straight out sin; the non-reciprocation of yielding to her wishes on decisions, including where to live; the separate accounts; being driven to consider divorce; etc. — been there, done that, hated it and was miserable for years.

      Third, despite all the above, DON’T opt for divorce. I don’t know whether you have biblical grounds, but I don’t think it really matters. I ultimately concluded that my wife’s direct and indirect rebellion combined with her long-standing sexual refusal did constitute biblical grounds for divorce (and our marriage counselor later agreed, while saying that my wife did not have biblical grounds), and I wrestled for a long time with whether to pull the plug. The disruption of the children’s lives always held me back. Eventually my personal counselor advised me to, instead of either filing for divorce or just continuing to acquiesce to the misery, give my wife an ultimatum: I was to figure out 2-3 things that absolutely had to change, that were non-negotiable (therefore absolutely the most important things to me — the hills I would die on if I had to), and to present the ultimatum in a session with the marriage counselor so that it was as non-confrontational as possible. In my case, the “or else” would be a six-month separation, during which I would pay her what I estimated I would have to pay her for child support if we divorced, in the hopes that having to make her way separately and having to shift the kids back and forth or otherwise split them up would finally create incentive for her to do right. We’d leave the ultimate “or else” to be determined as the 6 months was ending. I did in fact decide what my ultimatum should be (three parts: no more disrespect, sex (which she had flat out refused for more than 2 years at that point and which had been very infrequent even before that), and no more separate accounts — we could agree to agree on a budget and spending, but the money would have to be jointly held). At first she flatly refused, then she wanted to negotiate (which wasn’t the point), then she “agreed” but did so under protest and complained that I was bullying her, but ultimately she didn’t follow through on any of the three elements. However, unbeknownst to me, she took the threat of separation as a cue to initiate a divorce (after having filed and withdrawn a divorce complaint 2 years before). Ironically, just a few days before I found out about the divorce filing (she ambushed me both times) I had decided, in conjunction with the marriage counselor, that I would defer once again and drop the idea of a separation.

      The divorce was horrible. The after-effects have been horrible. The effects that will last for the rest of all our lives will be horrible. If I had ever pulled the trigger and been the cause of the anguish I have suffered and my kids have suffered and will continue to suffer, I don’t know that I could live with myself. I don’t understand how she can live with herself, but I’m sure it’s a continuation of the narcissism and self-justification that ruled her while we were married. I could elaborate in many ways, but my exhortation to you, having been in your shoes, is that — as unbelievable as it sounds, given the extreme amount of pain you’re in — the pain of a divorce will be worse. I am convinced that’s the best thing for your kids, and I believe that God will give you sufficient grace to survive the torment that I know you will go through. Fortunately or unfortunately, our pain isn’t sufficient justification to inflict severe pain on our kids — and seeing them suffer is harder than suffering yourself. Plus, even if she never changes (and I know that seems virtually guaranteed), it still allows for the remote possibility that she will one day wake up and realize how badly she’s behaving and things might get better. Then how happy you’d be that you stayed. My wife foreclosed that possibility for all time by rushing into a remarriage just one year after our divorce was final, to a twice-divorced man whom she met online and had spent only a very limited amount of in-person time with. Absolutely crazy. Now, not quite 3 years after her remarriage, I’m starting to replace my anger and bitterness against her with pity for the perpetual fear and loneliness that I believe she lives in. I think she knows her second marriage is doomed, it’s just a question of when, and then she really will be alone (she moved 400 miles away from where we’ve lived for decades, so she’s already given up whatever support network she had), and it will be solely due to her bad choices. What a bleak future to have to contemplate.

      God bless you, man. I know you need it.


      • Peacefulwife
        July 8, 2015 at 10:41 pm #

        David J,
        Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out to Marshall. My heart breaks for everyone in your family. Praying for God to bring healing to each of you and for His good purposes to be accomplished somehow through this painful trial.

        Are there specific things we might pray for you?

        With love,


        • David J.
          July 9, 2015 at 2:52 am #

          April, I very much appreciate it. One prayer request would be my upcoming move to Idaho to be near my parents, sisters, and other family. My youngest is out of high school (almost) now and just moved into a house he’ll share with a long-time friend, so I’m an empty-nester. I’ll still have my daughter stay with me on a regular basis, probably less often but for longer visits. It’s possible my middle son will move out there as well — he has already applied for a job out there. I would love it if that came through for him.

          Another prayer request would be my relationship with my oldest son. It’s been almost 2 years since he cut off all contact with me over what was, frankly, a silly issue. Of all the kids, he was the most likely both to be treated to bad-mouthing from my ex-wife and to be affected by it. I think that eventually had its effect and that my ex is delighted by the rift and does what she can to promote it. My continual prayer is that God will bless him and bring him back to me.

          Thank you again.


          • Peacefulwife
            July 9, 2015 at 7:48 am #

            David J.,


            We lift up David J. and his children and ex-wife to You. This family has suffered greatly and there is so much pain and so much healing that needs to happen. No one can heal them but You. But we thank and praise You that You are the Great Physician. You are the Prince of Peace. You know how to take ashes and create beauty. You know how to take broken things, broken lives, broken relationships, and broken people – and create a glorious masterpiece from the pieces. You are able to restore our souls. Please direct David J. as he seeks to be the man You desire him to be and the father You desire him to be. Let Your Spirit empower him to walk in holiness and obedience to You. Be greatly glorified in his life and in his children’s lives. Give them the resources they need to learn to have godly relationships and to prepare for godly marriages. Draw his ex-wife to Yourself, Lord. Let her find that Real Life and Real Love are only found in Christ! Use her life for Your greatest glory in ways we cannot begin to fathom. We also pray for reconciliation between David J. and his oldest son. Please remove the lies and the hatred and bitterness. We pray for healing and restoration for that relationship.

            In the Name and power of Christ,


    • MHMC
      July 8, 2015 at 9:52 pm #

      I can really relate to your situation. For years my husband has controlled the money, but also wants out finances separate. I make and keep what I earn, and same for him, but he gets to decide where extra income (tax returns, gifts, profit from sales, etc) goes. He also withholds sex and its been over a ywar for us. I am not controlling, but I am very type a, and when I feel injustice or weongdoing has occured, im very vocal about it. Maybe he is offended by that, I dont know. There was a short period of time when I felt betrayed, and was vocal about the wrongs I saw going on, and that’s when it seems like things got really bad. He became disengaged, unloving, bitter, and angry. When I backed off, became submissive and quiet, and kept my opinions to myself, thats when he became less harsh again. I dont think thats right, but I also know im obligated to keep peace as much as it depends on me. If holding my tongue is foing to keep peace, the so be it. But needless to say, the affection still has not returned. You have given me some things to think about, as far as how any domineering behavior on my part can create a negative reaction on his part, and I will spend the next few weeks consciously observing how my actions affect his actions.


  47. Tina
    August 4, 2015 at 5:21 pm #

    Thanks for the post. Everything you say is from the lord,I just don’t nt know what to do with my husband whose turned me away year now almost five years. Yes I have had to learn to give all to jesus and he loves us to ancwith that greater peace . by now I hear he had affair from a caller I found to be true still forgiven ancpray for him and us but it hurts so bad ,I love jesus and him.he will not talk to me I mean the silent treatment and when leaves house if i text but he don’t,nt return callls back again for arroubd a year now but put n jesus hands, as of last month he served me divorse papers not telln me anything after thirty four years marriage ,except as told ,it’s all about jesus to me,I try to let him know and show him I love and respect him as a person ,its like its all about him and not us. am so grieved and have no clue what to do next becauseeeee, he never showed up for court date so I am left wondering what next, I love seeing Jesus within n my our lives I thought he was same but not, so I stopped even being able to be happy about him arround him.

    I got yearssss ask him to go out together whatever he want to do or just dinner but nothing theses past maybe seven years I ask him for us to seek help he tells me no. I am marryed yet its like not at all.he goes to work comes home leaves say goes out with the guys to the shop etc.and then comes home and sleeps on sofa . I have put this n jesus hands and self daily. But I need Jesus wisdom daily to just believe him got the best but I got to move on within with him .any jesus centered advice would be helpful along with blood jesus prayers for me and us.sorry so long ,I am n need of sound holyghost filled judgement on what to do next I am exspecttting a mirqcliuos for us turn around ,is that foolishness on my part as some Christian leaders tell me it is while others agree with me for jesus to do it thank you so much for Christ centered help amen


    • Peacefulwife
      August 5, 2015 at 8:38 pm #


      I’m not really sure what is going on with your husband. I’m so very sorry for your pain.😦 My heart aches for you, my dear sister!

      Have you gone to godly counseling?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      This is something I can’t know for you. It will take much prayer, maybe fasting, and seeking God, allowing Him to prompt you about what He desires you to do each moment. I know God has the power to change your husband and heal your marriage. That is my prayer. I desire for you to wait on the Lord and obey whatever He shows you to do – in the Bible and as you seek Him in prayer.

      Much love to you!


  48. Anon986
    August 11, 2015 at 11:30 am #

    Very insightful blog!

    I have this issue but in reverse. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong towards my wife. She says she is happy and still desires me but her actions show she is happy but does not desire me anymore.

    We sit and have deep emotional conversations almost daily… spend almost every evening together and I listen to all of her suggestions but nothing works. She has even said she doesn’t know what she wants

    I’m afraid she no longer wants me in a sexually way and I’m weakening in my fight against lust for other women and more and more tempted to look at pornography and I hate it. I want to live for God and I do not want to ever have an emotional affair or start looking at porn regularly but the temptation could become to great soon.


    • Peacefulwife
      August 11, 2015 at 12:27 pm #


      My brother! I’m so sorry for your pain.😦

      The pharmacist in me wonders if she is on medications that may be affecting her libido – anti-depressants, birth control pills, etc…? Has she talked with her OB/GYN? There may be a low testosterone issue going on. If the relationship is going well and you are giving her lots of emotional connection and you are doing the things she suggests but she is still struggling to have sexual desire – my first question would be to examine to see if something medical may be going on.

      Is she very stressed or depressed? Has this happened recently? It is a change from before? I’m not sure what age she is, but it could be that she could be in peri-menopause if she is in her 40s or 50s, especially.

      Is she willing to read resources for wives about this? If so, may be a big blessing.

      I don’t want you to be tempted into sin! Please stay as close to Christ as you can – He can empower you to overcome the temptation. I pray you might come together as a team to find a good solution for this. And prayer is certainly a good place to start, as well.:)

      In Him,


  49. Jen
    August 18, 2015 at 2:11 am #

    Thank you for a twist on this topic. My 5 yr marriage is at a tough point. I’ve been “waiting” for intimacy, sex with my husband and pursuing him in creative very obvious ways ( lingerie, tasteful photos for him, speaking his love language.) I have been so patient with him, speaking openly about my hurt and frustrations and temptations when he rejectes me. I am a runner and boxer, in the best shape of my life! He’s told me he’s totally attracted to me. Our bigger issue is his constant exhaustion. He knows it but doesn’t change it. He goes on “crazy cycles” of up to 2 weeks at a time when he doesn’t even know what is going on in my life, much less even wanting sex with me. Add in his temper and one instance of physical abuse and I’m just over it. He has been very selfish and thoughtless of me. So here is my BIGGER problem. He is just recently the last few weeks making a consistent effort to pay attention to what’s going on in my life and initiating sex a little more. Asking me to forgive him. Made open his problems with his men’s group, even the one time physical abuse and all his verbal crap. I want to but I have this deep built in aversion to him that scares me because I can’t connect with him at all. He isn’t my friend and he certainly isn’t my lover. I don’t want to participate anymore, I don’t want to try! Help!


    • Peacefulwife
      August 18, 2015 at 7:00 am #


      It’s wonderful to meet you! My heart breaks to hear about the issues y’all have had in your marriage. Goodness, so much pain!

      I’m really glad that he is going to a men’s group and trying to be accountable and seeking to change. That sounds like steps in the right direction.:)

      If you don’t feel safe or don’t believe you can trust your husband – maybe it is time to involve a godly, trusted, counselor to help you and your husband rebuild the trust and to walk this healing journey with you?

      How is your walk with God going?

      Do you believe that you are safe now?

      Much love to you!


  50. Elizabeth
    September 11, 2015 at 12:49 pm #

    Just wanted to ask for prayers in this area. I am trying to find my completeness in Christ. Hard not to want sex. It has been 3 weeks. Many months ago I asked him to read Sheet Music. I marked it up with thoughts and questions. He hasn’t touched it. I don’t know whether to bring it up or not. He doesn’t like me to initiate that much. I can walk around naked and he will just fall asleep. I know that he is extremely stressed right now, but he has been for such a long time. Just pray that God will take this need away and that I will concentrate on being the best disciple of his that I can be.


    • Peacefulwife
      September 11, 2015 at 12:54 pm #


      I will lift you and your husband up in prayer right now!

      How are the other interactions going in your marriage?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Sending you a huge hug, my dear sister!


      • Elizabeth
        September 11, 2015 at 1:40 pm #

        Other interactions are fine. He hugs and kisses me. We never fight. He confides in me.

        My walk with Christ is good.. He is enough.


        • Peacefulwife
          September 11, 2015 at 5:29 pm #


          I pray God might show him or you a way to reduce his stress and I pray for healing sexually in the marriage! I also thank God that He is able to use painful times like this to draw us closer to Himself and to refine us and grow us in our faith. I pray for His greatest glory for you both!


  51. Vickie G.
    October 1, 2015 at 7:21 am #

    My husband has not touched me going on Ten months. Touch is one of my love languages. It hurts so very much. I’ve lost 60 pounds. Mostly as a result of not eating. I’ve gone to Christian counselor’s and still seeking help. My husband has been unfaithful with multiple partners. This is not the Godly man I so respected. I realize now he was on the throne of my heart. I’m working so very hard April. One way I know I’ve committed sin is we would argue the day after wonderful sex. I felt insecure the day after like was I good enough or performed well.

    He does not want sex as often as I but, as I said I had no idea that he was going outside our marriage. He also sexts which I know little about. It’s just as wrong as being unfaithful. Some nights lately I cry. I can’t sleep for the deep hurt that I feel.

    I love my husband so very much. This person that I know is not my husband! Please pray for me! I’ve worked so very hard April. My relationship with Christ is back to where it should be. I see my husband’s needs as he battles cancer. Please pray for me sisters on Christ. My heart is breaking. I need new strength. I’ve come so far but, I suddenly feel such rejection and pain. I want so much to win my husband by my behavior. There are no compliments or touch. There is much criticism. I rebuke the devil daily and have walked through my house in every room rebuking the devil. He can not have my family!


    • Peacefulwife
      October 1, 2015 at 11:12 am #

      Vickie G.,

      Oh no!!!!!!! He is still being unfaithful, my dear sister?

      What do your counselors suggest to do?

      What do you believe God desires you to do?

      It sounds like your husband is in such spiritual bondage. Let’s all pray together for God to release him, to open his eyes, to bring him to godly sorrow and mourning over his sin, and to bring him to real repentance and conviction. Let’s pray that God will bring him to regeneration and healing in Christ!

      I pray also for God’s wisdom for you. I know you want to take care of him as he is so very sick. I also realize if he is involved in unrepentant infidelity, there may need to be some healthy boundaries put in place (by you) out of respect for your marriage covenant, and for yourself. Ultimately, only God can open his eyes. But I do pray that God will empower you to be the wife He desires you to be and that He will draw you closer and closer to His heart.

      Sending you the biggest hug, my dear sister!


  52. Katie Black
    October 24, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

    We have only been married for two months. We met at church, dated for three years, and faithfully waited until we were married to have sex. But now, two months later, I find myself often rejected. If he doesn’t feel like being intimate, I don’t get anything at all. It hurts so bad, I feel so undesired sometimes. In the times leading up to the wedding he’d tell me how excited he was to finally be with me. But all of that’s changed.

    If I try talking to him he gets defensive and it just starts a fight. Sometimes I hug him and he just stands there, or rolls his eyes when I go to kiss him. He has no idea how much this hurts. I’m sure he loves me, I respect him, I do everything I can for him, and I know he’s not looking at porn.

    Our marriage brought about a lot of big changes for him, but it did me too. We both work hard, and sometimes I just need him when I come home from a long day. I’ve been seeking God….but I don’t know what to do…


    • Peacefulwife
      October 24, 2015 at 5:27 pm #


      Congratulations on your new marriage!:)

      You know what? I so relate to you, my precious sister… things began to go wrong 1 week into our marriage. We waited until our wedding night to be intimate, as well. Had 3 awesome days of a honeymoon, and then came home and lots of problems started happening. I severely sprained my back. Greg and his dad were working on an old house for us 6 nights per week until 1am after working their full time jobs. Greg stopped talking to me, touching me, or kissing me goodnight. I cried all the time. I tried to make him come back to me. The more I pushed and pressured him, the farther away he went. I had no idea I was disrespecting and repelling him. He had never seen me act like this. I had never seen him act like this. We had no one to turn to to help us. And there was no internet to research these things on!

      Would you be able to talk a bit more about what is going on? What has changed for you both? Is he super stressed at work? Are you coming across as needy and clingy? Is it possible you may be making your husband an idol in your heart?

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      It sounds like he may be feeling disrespected. If you get a chance – check out the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page – maybe that might shine some light on something?

      I’m glad to walk beside you on this journey, my dear sister!:) Sending you the biggest hug!


      • Katie Black
        October 24, 2015 at 5:51 pm #

        Thanks for responding:)
        Soon after I read this article I did look at your post on disrespect. When I pray, I ask God to change me, not him. I don’t feel that I’ve been disrespecting him, but sometimes I feel like maybe I domineer or intimidate him unintentionally. I truly don’t mean to, my pastor talked about respect in pre-marital counseling, and everyday I pray for him and build his confidence. He works full time so I can finish my last year of nursing school. We both are from a small town. I’m used to the big city but he wasn’t. I know he’s unhappy here, and it’s partially my fault because I have to finish school. As far idolatry…I don’t think I’m making him an idol. He’s not always a very open and emotional guy, so I was prepared for some lack in emotional intimacy, but the decrease in physical intimacy completely caught me off guard. I never though that I would be dealing with that. My relationship with God is solid, and every day I ask Him to make me a better wife. Maybe I am missing it somewhere…I just don’t know where.


        • Peacefulwife
          October 24, 2015 at 6:05 pm #


          Hmmm… What expectations do you believe you have?

          Can you tell what different expectations your husband may have?

          What does he not like about being in the city? how many hours per week is he working? Does he like his job? Is he sleeping okay? Any medical issues?

          Has he voiced anything negative to you? What does he say during arguments?

          How do you approach him about the lack of physical intimacy issue? What do you say, what tone of voice do you use? Do you think he feels pressured or like he is a failure in your eyes?

          Is it possible he just didn’t know what his sexual appetite would be and maybe it is a bit lower than he expected once he got married?

          What happens if you wait and let him initiate – not resentfully, but graciously?

          Much love to you! I am glad to try to hash this out with you.:)



          • Peacefulwife
            October 24, 2015 at 6:08 pm #


            What was his parents’ marriage like?
            What was your parents’ marriage like?

            Is one family a lot more affectionate than the other?

            What is your husband’s general personality? Introverted or extroverted?


            • Katie Black
              October 29, 2015 at 1:20 pm #

              Hi! Sorry it’s taken so long to respond. I’ve been crazy busy.

              I don’t think my expectations are too high. I guess I just expect to be loved and desired. We were talking about intimacy yesterday and he said sex just isn’t a big deal to him. In a past fight he’s said I should be happy with what I get when I get it.

              As far as the city, he says he just doesn’t like the business, our home town is much smaller and slower. He’s very laid back. He works 40 hours a week at a job he does very well. He says he likes it, but he always tells me when and if he has a bad day. When we’re just talking he says I’m good wife and I’m doing everything right, and that there’s nothing more I can do to please him.

              However, when we fight he says he didn’t know I’d be this complicated and that I make everything a big deal. I’ll admit I get worked up about some little things, but I’ve gotten a lot better at not nagging (especially since we’ve been dating!). We had a talk yesterday about physical intimacy, I told him that he takes very good care of me monetarily and even emotionally, but that I really needed him physically. That’s when he said that sex wasn’t a big deal to him. It is to me and I get so mad and frustrated that I can’t have anything because he doesn’t feel like it. There’s no compromise.

              We had a good talk yesterday and right afterwards he started being intimate and touching me, and then he just stopped all of a sudden. I tried to make a joke of it and said “hey! I’m not a light switch, you can’t just turn me on and leave me there”! (lol). He laughed and went back to his phone. I build him up and encourage him everyday. He doesn’t initiate intimacy. I have to ask for hugs and kisses most of the time. I thought his sexual appetite would be a lot bigger!

              He said all the time before marriage how much he wanted me and couldn’t wait until we were married. We both come from divorced homes, and when we got married, we chose to never make divorce an option. His dad was physically and emotionally abusive to his mom, and he ended up being raised by his mom in a single parent household. He decided as a teenager that he would always respect women and refused to turn out like his father.

              My parents divorced when I seven. My dad was emotionally assaultive and my mom had an affair. She would bring me with her to cheat on my dad with the man that would eventually become my own abusive stepfather. I know that’s not okay, and I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in “The One.”

              My husband has all of those qualities….I just feel alone. I feel so alone. I don’t even want to ask him anymore. I thought that maybe he didn’t want intimacy because he didn’t want me to get pregnant. We both decided that we don’t want children (we’d rather foster), but I’m already on birth control for PCOS. I’m a bigger girl…not huge, and he says he thinks I’m beautiful, but I feel so undesired and it’s really taken a hit on my self-esteem. I keep praying, I tell God that I trust Him with my marriage and my husband…the waiting is just so painful. I guess I just want my husband to love me the way I love him. I would do anything for him. I know he’s a gift from God.

              Sorry for the super long post!


              • Peacefulwife
                October 29, 2015 at 1:46 pm #

                Katie Black,

                Thank you so much for answering those questions – this helps me understand a lot more.:)

                When you say that you expect to be loved and desired – that idea probably has a whole page worth (or more) of unwritten expectations that you have in your mind of the things that you want that make you specifically feel loved and desired, I would guess.

                It is entirely possible that your husband does love and desire you – but that his definitions and expectations are just very different from yours.

                It makes things a lot more complicated that you both had the examples of marriage that you did. That breaks my heart!😦 It doesn’t sound like your husband had a good role model for what it means to be a loving, godly husband. And you had a lot of poor examples, also. I would guess that you may feel even more insecure and have more issues with trust after what you have experienced?

                Did y’all have some godly premarital counseling?

                Do you know if your husband is dealing with any porn addiction or medical problems that could cause his libido to go down?

                Has he said how often he would like to be intimate?

                I wonder if y’all might be willing to read some books together? Like maybe “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or “For Men Only” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn (if reading about men being visual freaks you out, please just skip that chapter for now. Lower drive men don’t always have as much temptation in that area).

                It sounds to me like y’all have very different expectations. I think you may find a lot of freedom in laying down many of your expectations of your husband. I also think that you will probably need to be pretty patient with him because probably most of the only physical touching he saw with his parents was abusive. I wonder how that may have impacted his view of intimacy in marriage?

                I can tell you this – if you try to pressure him or demand sex or you approach him with anger, bitterness, resentment, and condemnation – you will repel him.

                Has he talked about what he needs?

                Oh goodness, I really hate that he left you hanging like that.😦 No fun!!!!

                What would happen if you allow him to set the pace a bit more for sex and patiently wait until his appetite tells him he wants intimacy with you?

                Waiting is painful – but sometimes it is the most important part of God’s answer to our prayer. He uses that time of waiting for us to learn the sufficiency of Christ and to learn to trust Him more and grow in our faith.

                Do y’all have a godly mentoring couple you meet with?

                What do you do when you feel alone, my dear sister?

                Marriage is hard. We all enter marriage with so many expectations – and don’t realize our spouse has just as many, but they are not the same as ours. There is MUCH dying to self in marriage.

                Here is another post that may be helpful about what we can do when we are feeling deprived in our marriages.

                I’m always glad to hash through things with you any time. I pray you might embrace this opportunity to become more like Jesus and to draw closer to God – and that you might be able to focus on becoming the woman and wife God calls you to be – rather than focusing on what you want your husband to do for you. When you focus on what you can control – there is much power. When you focus on what you can’t control (him) – you will remain very frustrated and stuck.

                Much love to you!


    • Katie
      October 24, 2015 at 8:49 pm #

      Your story really resonates with me (and ironically we also have the same name). I’ve been married 4 years and have a daughter that’s almost 2, but even before I was pregnant this was an issue. When I met my husband I wasn’t religious at all and we didn’t wait for marriage, but then I became closer to God and we decided we should take a break until we got married on paper. The break was about 1 month and when we finally got married he wasn’t in a hurry, in fact nothing happened on that night. He will at least tell my that he finds me attractive but it still hurts because even though our mind can understand, sometimes our hearts can’t. Thankfully we have been able to compromise although we still have ups and downs (and arguments about it) and I hate being the one to initiate 99% of the time. He uses porn which really isn’t helping, but I try not to nag him about that because he knows it’s wrong. Finally I’m starting to see this experience as a test and a lesson from God to bring me closer to Him, only seeking him instead of the fleeting happiness of this world. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and i hope you are able to find a compromise with your husband. Sometimes I try to bring it up in a more joking and lighthearted way because understandably men can feel inadequate when dealing with this issue. Anyway, I’m praying that things get better for you soon


      • Peacefulwife
        October 25, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

        Thank you for reaching out to Katie Black! Praying for healing for you, your husband, and your marriage, as well, my dear sister!


      • Katie Black
        October 29, 2015 at 1:14 pm #

        Thank you so much for responding! My prayers are with you and your marriage too❤


  53. Star
    November 16, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

    Hello. My husband has refused me for ten years. He announced to me about a year ago, that: “God had commanded him, to make love to me.” God must have changed His mind, as I am still waiting. He refuses to support me emotionally as well. My mother recently passed, and he refused to support me emotionally through my trial and to attend the funeral with me – forcing me to attend to all arrangements, etc, on my own – I received wonderful help from friends and spiritual advisors – and I felt God’s presence, with me.

    A long story short, I met someone at my mother’s funeral, who was extremely attentive, wanted to spend quality time with me – to take my mind off of the previous day’s events and made his intentions very clear, as to where he wished this to lead to. He was very persuasive, yet, I turned him down. I ended up spending the day after alone – in my hotel room and lonely, telling myself that this was only right. However, deep down, I regret not allowing myself some comfort, at a time when I so desperately needed it.

    My husband is only not concerned with the fact that, I am not being nice to him, caring nothing for my pain and grief. I think I really need someone to tell me, that, as a Christian woman, I should continue to carry on, as I am and not succumb to temptation, because I know, if presented with another opportunity, I don’t think I could be as strong, again. Thank you for reading, and God Bless you all.


    • Peacefulwife
      November 16, 2015 at 7:32 pm #


      Oh goodness! What a painful situation, my precious sister!!!!!😦 My heart breaks for you. Does he have medical problems going on? Or do you know why he has refused you for a decade?

      How are things between you in other areas?

      I’m so thankful that you turned that other man down. What a disaster that would have been!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      I would love to encourage you to check out a free download of the book Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. I believe it will greatly bless you and strengthen your walk with Christ.:)

      Also, check out “Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord”


      “When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

      Much love and the biggest hug to you! Continue to be faithful to Christ! You will never regret that. God will reward you for your obedience and faithfulness in heaven. You don’t have the power in your flesh to overcome temptation, but if you are walking in total submission to Christ, He can empower you to walk in victory.:)


      • isis56
        December 6, 2015 at 4:34 pm #

        Peaceful wife: My wife left this up on our computer, I noticed that many of them are wives complaining about lack of sex from their husbands, But what about the wife that refuses sex base on reaction for society thinking that her refusal and subsequent promises that if the husband is a good boy, for a period of time then a normalization of the marriage would happen.


        • Peacefulwife
          December 7, 2015 at 11:04 am #


          Because of the violent and sensitive nature of the rest of your comment, I am not going to post the rest here. But I did read it.

          It sounds like there have been a lot of extremely painful things in your marriage for both you and your wife. If someone has severe bi-polar, as I am sure you are well aware, she is not in her right mind at times. You are not always dealing with someone who is rational or with whom you can just use logic. With severe mental illness in a marriage, there will have to be quite an adjustment in approach for the healthy spouse – and probably a lot of outside support.

          Neither spouse is to withhold sex from the other. And, of course, neither is to have an affair, even if one is in the hospital for years. But – there is also no justification for rape or violence in marriage for believers in Christ.

          If you are interested in talking a bit, I would love to hear about your walk with Christ, my brother.

          Perhaps you would be blessed by this video where I talk about the difference between a wife seeking to be willingly available to her husband vs. marital rape?


          • BGS
            December 14, 2015 at 1:13 am #

            Peaceful wife: I always believed in marriage. In 33 years I had never strayed, IU worked hard from the day we married to when I developed MRSA in my spine, and I never understood why my wife thought that she had to listen to my father.
            I have suffered at his and his friends hands since 1972 when the tied me to a tree and cut my back to pieces with extension cord. I was in the Army at that time, after I returned my father made sure I was not able to have any kind of relationship. Because of and engagement I had with another woman. Since she was Half Japanese and half Native Hawiian my father considered me to dirty to ever have a relationship, I ended up in very remote places for the next two years until my discharge from the Army in 1976 when I came home, started a position with a Big three auto manufacturer and served in the Guard. Three years later I could see that the Oil embargoes were going to impact the economy so I went into the navy this time two years latter , I married a very pretty girl, and my father started throwing road blocks at me when on our wedding day my father told shore patrol where my new wife and I were going to spend our wedding night, If he had not told them they would have gone to the next man on the list, As it was I was collected, put on a COD and was at sea for my first underwater patrol the next morning out of Kings Bay.
            I spent due to the needs of the Navy the next three and a half years under water, I lost v60 days of leave and was paid for another 60, Upon my arrival home I was not allowed to see my wife the first day, I was screamed into going and reinstating on my UAW position the first day by my father with my mother begging me to please just do as he wanted. Two days latter I had used my now nine years seniority to put my shift preference in. I was going to bump the person with the least seniority off days and put him or her on seconds. I found myself being told by my wife that day that unless I was able not to cause any grief taking my seniority rights for two years Our marriage would be on hold, I was not to take time off on holidays, I was not to use my seniority to make those with less work weekends, holidays or make those with children work. Them or take a vacation I wanted with my seniority,
            According to my wife and everyone else the only time for a vacation I should consider was between January second and February 14th. It made for a very long time without time off, My wife went on many vacations with my family and friends, My holidays consisted of getting a couple of sandwiches from the holiday meats while they went out on the town. leaving me to finish the 16 hour holiday shift. from August 24th 1980 I saw an actual ten days off, Four Moving the things she stored in Charleston and six recovering from a brain tumor surgery, before my father and his friends decided I did not need the recovery time the doctor wanted of sixty days, If I could stand I could work. Then In 2009 MRSA entered my spine. I live with pins and needles from my upper legs down. that’s the only feeling I have, I came home to a wife still demanding after 31 years that all I had to do was cooperate a while longer, and everything I wanted on my return home in 1985 would be mine. It has been 33 years since our wedding, The three things I wanted I was left without a choice but to force the issues, a real marriage, a life without interference from my father and his friends. and control over my household.
            I know I did it without remorse, I felt that my life had been stolen by Blackmail and force. I could not get any one to listen until I got mean about things, but little by little my revolt is bearing fruit. My wife does not say no any more, My father says there is nothing else he can do to make me do as him and his friends want, he says even crippled I scare them to death now especially when I have made up my mind I wont listen to them and do as I please. He maintains all I had to do was wait a while longer, I just lost interest in their ideas of waiting for what was due me, After having my life stolen as it was.
            I know I am retaining a lot of residual anger, I am angry that many of the things I wanted in my life will never happen. I am angry I wont see my two year old son grow up, find the wife that suits him, I am angry I might have just a few more years after MRSA did its damage. I am angry people think that I had to live my life like I did.
            Nobody should ever have to work 31 years with only ten days off, I did not do it out of good motives. I resent the fact I was blackmailed and forced into it with firearms held on me. MY father said I could have quit my position at any point, just vanished, I did not want to wash dishes or be a menial Micky Ds worker My whole life if I did. Because if you vanish that’s the options you are left with, Living under the radar.


            • Peacefulwife
              December 14, 2015 at 8:19 am #


              You have faced so many extreme trials. I’m very sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured.😦

              What is your relationship with Christ? That is the place where much healing can begin for you. He can empower you to have victory over the anger and bitterness and to find healing over the injustices you have endured. He can radically change your heart, mind, and soul – just like He changed me.:)

              A post about violence in a Christian marriage
              A post about God’s victory over rage and violence

              Posts about bitterness

              I am praying for you to find the healing and hope that is available through Jesus Christ.


              • BGS
                December 17, 2015 at 11:19 am #

                Until October the 24th 2009. Every Sunday and holiday I worked 16 hours since 1978, My father and his friends felt it was wrong for me to take days that somebody in higher social position should have, My father said it wasn’t right that I take something that somebody else should have with social and family ties should have.

                I never thought or believe just because you came from a certain family or social position that anyone had automatic rights to my time, to tell me what I was allowed in life. It created a lot of rebellion in me. when they used my bi polar wife upon my return from three and a half years under water, somehow the drugs the doctors put her on left her open to suggestion from them.

                She says if I had just shown for a few more years that I was cooperative maybe the peace, love, and understanding she said she craved would have ALLOWED me the life I had wanted for so many decades, she claims that’s all any one ever wanted was me to not complain when again my life was being stomped on.

                I got angry when she claimed all we had to do after MRSA destroyed my spine was reset back to 1985, just take several years, maybe five to work out solutions so nobody was mad if I wanted something for myself, everyone would have been put at ease with a little more time, I came out of rehab with the realization of a stolen life, that those few more years were not a guaranteed thing.

                I felt that I was not waiting for one more day what was due me. Everything from a real marital relation, to having the Vacation trips she enjoyed every three years on the dime I earned, to holidays in my own home without a word from my father or his friends.

                My wife cry’s that they were my friends to I just never thought so. I have asked her how she thought they were my friends, She said because they were hers.

                That doesn’t make them my friends. In fact as far as I am concerned they can all stay as far away from me and my wife as possible.

                I am 60 years of age, Have no feeling from the top of my legs down, MRSA has pretty much ensured that I wont see 63, having a reset to what my wife wanted to ensure peace in 1985 means that what’s left of whatever life I have will be again under her control, my fathers and everyone else they deem worthy. This is something I want ALLOW for any reason.

                My father came over yesterday, Told me he had friends that did not want me any where around my home when they came down for Christmas dinner, He said please think of their and my wife’s need for me to be any where but here, so she and everybody else can be at ease without my demands of not having any one drunk, smoking weed, or taking responsibility for themselves.

                He opened his wallet and said here’s 1000.00 to go any where I wanted, just let the Christmas holiday tradition proceed in peace without me jumping in it with both feet.

                I told him thanks My wife and I would put it towards a vacation this next year but I was not leaving my own home. over the holidays. He said the police can make me. I handed him the phone and said the number was 911 I dared him to call them. He started crying and asked why was I so unreasonable. I opened the door and said since he felt the way he did. He could host the dinner at his house and here is the 1000.00 back. So don’t bother coming over for Christmas.

                I know many would consider my answer to be disrespectful to my elderly father and my wife and his snobby friends. But this way I rule in my home. I have retained legal council. The house is in my name only, no leins and I hold the title. So as with these words every mans home is his castle, I have issued restraining orders, and I dare any one to have me removed from my home.

                I also realize that many of your readers would consider this the ultimate act of defiance, they would be right. I have talked to the watch officer. and told him the first officer that tried removing me from my house had better kill me because I would not go peacefully.

                The truth is I don’t have that much need to live any way. my life is that finite.


                • Peacefulwife
                  December 17, 2015 at 6:56 pm #


                  I actually do understand why you are angry and bitter from all that you have described that has happened over the decades. There were many times it sure sounds like you were mistreated, shortchanged, and given the “short end of the stick.” You have faced some serious trials that most people could not begin to fathom.

                  I also don’t blame you for not wanting people to be drunk or smoking weed at your house. I wouldn’t like that one bit, myself.

                  God has spared your life after the bout with MRSA. You probably shouldn’t have lived through that by most medical thinking, I would imagine. How are you doing with God? If your life does end soon – and any of ours could end today – do you believe you are right with God and at peace with Him?

                  Much love to you in Christ,



                  • Peacefulwife
                    December 19, 2015 at 8:58 pm #


                    I am certainly not saying that your father deserves forgiveness. What he did to you when you were a teenager was criminal. If that happened today, I’m sure he would have gone to prison. I am sure he doesn’t deserve your respect or trust – after all that has happened. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the awful things that were done to you.😦 God doesn’t command us to trust people who are untrustworthy. You are not required to be around him if things are too toxic.

                    What I am most interested in, at this point, is spiritual/emotional healing for you. What is happening in your soul seems like it would be very toxic for anyone.

                    Is that something you might be willing to talk about with me?

                    With love in Christ,


                    • BGS
                      February 27, 2016 at 8:15 pm #

                      Peacefulwife. I now live in NE Wyoming The main house I live in is down in the canyons, but I have always considered that gods true cathedral was not built by man but is where I am at a place my family calls high range. Good grass year round for cattle and water. I don’t know the name of the mountain. but the Indians used to call this area Kae hasapa their idea of heaven. I go out at night and look at the night hawks in the evening flying high and with the purple of evening come up and the stars so close you think they can be touched because your soul is that big I think off thec5rosses with purple hung on them at Easter then look at the sky and think it is the robes of god and he stands at my side up here. I guess that is a little bit arrogant but this is where I think god is.


  54. Anonymous
    January 19, 2016 at 8:25 am #

    We used to be almost every night then it’s down to once a month. He rejects me all the time. “I’m tired” that’s what he says “sometimes it easier or faster to just handle myself” that’s the other excuse… he would rather watch porno. I’m a submissive wife I think sometimes to submissive but I do everything for him. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. He hardly kisses me anymore. He doesn’t ignore me, everything in our marriage is great, we talk, do stuff together but the sex isn’t there. And when we do he always tells me how great it was but if it was that great why only once a month. I’m beyond depressed over it.


    • Peacefulwife
      January 19, 2016 at 8:32 am #

      So painful!😦 How I wish I could give you a hug, my sister!

      What is your definition of being “submissive” would you say? There is definitely a point where I believe wives can be “too submissive” and that is a problem. Just as much of a problem as a wife being too controlling and dominating, like I was for a long time in our marriage.

      Have you done much studying on the effects of porn addiction on a man’s libido with his wife? From your very brief description, my first thought is that a porn addiction is probably what is shutting down his desire for you. I can share more about this if you haven’t studied up on it yet, if you would like.

      Is he also really stressed, sleep-deprived, or working too much?

      How long have you been married? How long have things been like this? How long has he been watching porn?

      What does he say when you say you would like to have sex more and that you miss having sex with him?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!


      • unnamed wife
        January 19, 2016 at 12:57 pm #

        I definitely think it has to do with porn and the fact he is tired. I know this. And I’ve told him I’m frustrated, I need him. I’ve put myself out there a few times a week and still get rejected. I told him it hurts and he always says he is sorry… we do believe in God and have a relationship and I take my vows seriously. I do everything for him, cook, clean, make his lunch for work, I take care of our child and most of the time my step children, I work full time… I do it all. But I do it all because love is not a feeling but an action and I show my love through action. I’d do and have done so much for him so the rejection has really hurt. And it’s been going on for a year now. Now it’s gotten worse with the porn. I don’t know what to do.


        • Peacefulwife
          January 19, 2016 at 1:11 pm #

          unnamed wife,

          I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing!😦 When a spouse withholds sex purposely, it hurts. Deeply. And it is a sin against the other spouse and God (I Corinthians 7:3-5).

          Have you done any studying about porn or looked at any resources for Christian wives whose husbands are addicted to porn?

          I invite you to search my home page for “porn” for some resources.

          Also, has resources for spouses of those who are addicted that may be quite helpful.

          Have you ever asked him to go to counseling with you if he is unwilling to change?

          Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin.

          How are you doing spiritually, my dear sister?

          Much love to you!

          Liked by 1 person

          • unnamed wife
            January 19, 2016 at 1:17 pm #

            Spiritual not so good. Other things in my life are bad but here is the thing, I have this great husband who helps me through it all. He lifts me up when I am down . That’s why the rejection hurts so bad. I will have to study about the porn and see if there is a good non harmful embarrassing way to approach my husband about this. I seriously before I read your article thought it was because of me, because I’ve gained 10lbs because I wasn’t doing enough around the house because we’ll I blamed myself but I think it’s the porn. He has been watching it since we got together (5yrs) and I can always tell when he does t watch it often because he wants me.


            • Peacefulwife
              January 19, 2016 at 1:30 pm #

              unnamed wife,

              You can work on your own end of things. You can stay in good shape and look amazing. But if your husband is addicted to porn – he will still have no appetite for a real life wife. That is what porn does. It destroys a man’s ability to be aroused and attracted to real women and changes the nerve pathways in the brain. It is an addiction. Yes, please do study those posts. There are ways you can offer support to your husband. Some suggestions are in this book – I have a post about the book here.

              Would you like to talk about where you are spiritually? I want you to find spiritual healing in Christ, my precious sister. I’m here if you would like to hash through some more things together.

              Much love to you!


    • BGS
      March 16, 2016 at 8:25 pm #

      Peaceful wife. I am now where I want my life to end. I am sitting on the Rim above high range and as I look to the west I see the sky turning dark here. It is now were I feel peace, I see my little boy going in to the cabin from here with my wife calling him. I hurt from walking up here with my cane and without feeling in my legs. My back feels that its on fire, and I wonder if I should just stop right here and go over the edge. It would look like an accident. That’s the wrong temptation to have here. It would be to easy.


      • Peacefulwife
        March 16, 2016 at 9:37 pm #


        Please do not carry through with ending your life! It would be easy, yes. But the consequence for you and for those who love you would be excruciating and eternal.

        There is healing available for your soul in Christ! Please don’t listen to the enemy’s voice. I know things have been very painful for you, more than most people have ever experienced… But I beleive God can make something good and beautiful of your life and give you hope and peace in Christ!

        I pray for God to reach your soul and that you might receive the healing He has available to you.:)

        Thank you for reaching out. I pray you will reach out to someone you trust in person if you continue to think about suicide.
        Much love in Christ!!


  55. Erik
    February 4, 2016 at 8:09 am #

    Many years ago my wife told me that sometimes when we’re intimate, “it doesn’t seem like we’re making love it seems like it’s just sex”. Is that so wrong? That kinda took the “fun” out of love making for me.


    • Peacefulwife
      February 4, 2016 at 8:27 am #


      It sounds like that was really painful to hear.

      I think sometimes husbands and wives can have very different expectations and priorities about intimacy on every level. Sometimes, we can be prone to think that if our spouse doesn’t do things just like we do, they don’t “love us the right way.” But many times, it is not a matter of one person doing things “right” or “wrong” but just that we are different. I wonder if that could be what was going on?

      Thanks for sharing!


  56. faith
    March 15, 2016 at 10:41 am #

    Hi April,

    Its Faith, I was emailing you about a month ago on the jealousy post.

    I have a problem that I’m not sure how to deal with. Last week I noticed a decline on my husband initiating. He seems to prefer oral sex to me, or at least it seems that way. we have talked about it several times in our marriage and he says its easier and less work for him. or that he is just tired. so in the last few months we have been intimate about 2 or three times a week (together an d usually I give him oral sex once a week. Last week though he only didn’t initiate so I did and he just wanted oral sex. Then last night again I thought we were going to be together and he just wanted oral sex. we got into it as i told him i was feeling rejected. he said he was just tired. in the past he would usually make love to me after we talked or argued or in he morning he would initiate.

    He didn’t do either so this morning I was hurt and angry wondering what was going on? I asked him and again said he was tired. I asked if there was anyone else or porn as he has struggled with this (porn) and he said no. Just not like him. I’m kinda freeking out. I noticed him since last week not as affectionate with me during the day too.

    so i came to read some post and read this one and one of the comments talked about a woman talking about her past lovers. I just realized last weekend we talked about my first boyfriend who I had a baby with. We were talking about abortion and he asked if i considered one i said no because we loved each other and I also told him the my boyfriend said he was going to get me pregnant so that no one will have me. then my husband said well you let him. I was surprised by his response.

    I told him more about my relationship with my childs father that we were going to get married and how i broke it off. We have been married for 22 years and i don’t think i ever talked about this with him. I’m wondering if this is why he is distancing himself from me. what do you think? I wonder if he was hurt by what i said or just the thought of us being intimate.

    I need some advice as i am getting angry and needy and hurt. We rarely fight and i don’t want to. but not sure what to think. Am i being selfish, is he or is God putting us through this. not sure who to direct my anger. I don’t want to be angry but i am.


    • Peacefulwife
      March 15, 2016 at 4:42 pm #


      I’m so sorry things are painful right now.😦 I don’t know your husband’s heart. I don’t know if he is actually just exhausted – that is possible. Or if he is hiding something. Or if he is feeling very hurt over the information about your child’s father that is new information to him.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Have you shared that you would really love to be intimate with your husband in a non-pressuring, positive kind of way? That you miss regular sex? It is important to respectfully share what you need without being negative or disrespectful. And I think it may be wise to be prepared to ask him about if there is anything he wants to talk about, if he is feeling upset about the things you shared with him. He may need a bit of grace to process some of those things.

      It could also be helpful to journal your angry feelings and ask God to help you see your motives and to process your anger so that you don’t begin to hold on to bitterness.

      You are welcome to search my home page for:

      – bitterness
      – conflict

      Much love!


  57. NB
    April 11, 2016 at 7:09 am #

    Hello April,
    So since i have talked to you last month, my husband decided to switch his anti depressants because he felt tge one he was taking( Effexor) wasnt working for him anymore. Now hes on Cymbalta for about 1.5 weeks.
    He used to be the one initiating every day to twice a day for the past 4 months. That spoiled me enormously. Now since hes on Cymbata his drive is down to 0. How long does it take to see if hid drive will come back up or is it a side effect that will stay? I feel so crushed. I googled Cymbalta and got depressed myself as i read that it s very common for men to lose their drive on it. How should i approach this respectfully? I have been praying about it ever since it started happenning.
    I will definetely not take our sexual intimacy for granted ever again!


    • Peacefulwife
      April 11, 2016 at 7:45 am #

      As a pharmacist, I have seen that antidepressants can cause a drop in libido. It could be good to give it about a month, if possible. By then, it will have kicked in and you should know how it will affect him long term. If you can focus on the truth that this is a side effect of this medication, not a personal rejection of you, perhaps that can be helpful. He may notice it himself and talk with the doctor himself. But if not, maybe you can be praying about when to bring it up and how.

      Much love to you!


      • NB
        April 11, 2016 at 8:34 am #

        Thank you foryour encouragement April! I hope all of this will work itself out. The wholr last year up until november was really rough fir our marriage includng absolute lack of sexual intimacy. So it was still new and exciting as he switched the med. Especially since he is not affectionate otherwise and still very sceptical of my new self.


        • Peacefulwife
          April 11, 2016 at 1:35 pm #

          I’m sure that if this continues on his new med, he will check with the doctor about switching RXs or you may pray about when you believe God wants you to mention something to him about it. Praying for wisdom and healing for you both, my dear sister!


  58. breathebetter
    May 11, 2016 at 4:49 pm #

    Wow, you sure stoke a nerve here, still getting comments after 3 years… I’m one of those husbands who has experienced a “strange” vibe around our sexual life for years. Over the past 18 months, I’ve agreed to give my wife a complete break from intimacy (not that she needed my permission, but agreeing made it easier with expectations).

    Both believers, she spends hours in the Word and journalling and worship every day. I don’t have the same type of devotional life, but am listening to His voice during the day, praying, reading, watching teachings, etc.

    Both my wife and I have known childhood trauma, and live with disabilities. She has many sensitivities and intolerances to environment, foods, and people. I’m more of the engaging type, while she needs to feel safe, to the point of being obsessive (she may say she is just being discerning and wise).

    For the past 18 months I kept giving of myself, serving her, and pursuing support and prayer on my end. She only meets people online, and from she told me, she doesn’t disclose much to them, so most know her more through her gifts and selective information.

    However over the past 6 months, as I got frustrated a few times with being isolated and not getting any feedback, she finally pointed to the need to be alone. That meant having me out of the house completely. At first I said OK, so I spent a week at a friend’s place. She wanted to hold me hand and just be together for a few minutes as we pulled up at my friend’s place. Wow, I thought ‘OK, something is going on!’

    Coming back home, she mentioned it had been good for her, maybe a bit too short, though. A few months ago, I went to visit my daughter across the country, and spent almost 3 weeks there. My wife then felt it was time for me to come back, so I did.

    We had a great 2 days, feeling good about being back, and then something happened and she withdrew again. Something about the way my words come out at times when I’m wounded and feel neglected and upset that we’re ignoring the elephant in the room: in short, she hopes I will MOVE OUT, like a separation, and making it clear that we may never get back together.

    In all this, I’m expected to continue not desiring her (not going to happen) and “understand” that it’s over.

    I don’t go out, I have put down porn for 14 years now, I don’t flirt, I don’t gamble, I don’t drink, I’m normally gentle, patient, and serving. But it seems to mean nothing to her, there is always something she can cling unto that seems to suggest that there is something very wrong with me, although when she tries to put it into words it just doesn’t make sense to me. And that compounds things, because if “truly” I could hear the voice of God, then I “would.”

    So today I was trying to find out if other Christians have considered the spiritual consequences of depriving one another of sexual intimacy, and if others notice the ways the enemy uses this to destroy self-esteem, respect, and create strife about peripheral things, leaving the obvious unaddressed: the spouse on the receiving end is exposed to spiritual assaults daily, and who speaks of these consequences? How do wives justify being unaware or oblivious, even dismissive of the true dangers of these kinds of situations for their husbands? And how are we men supposed to respond to such, when we do all we know to be kind, serving, pure, compassionate and seek help for ourselves without using defilement?

    Sorry for the long post, but I’m facing this difficult situation without any input on her part (if I talk too much now, she puts her fingers in her ears). I suspect she has formed soul ties with someone online, or with a line of teachings that justify her drifting away. That’s how it feels, so it may just be a spiritual thing though. But any “angle” I try to try to break the silence, the wall of isolation, bounces right back at me in a negative way. She seems to have made up her mind.

    Very confusing…


    • Peacefulwife
      May 12, 2016 at 7:45 am #


      It is an honor to meet you, my brother. But how my heart breaks for your pain.😦

      Has she had godly, experienced counseling for the trauma she endured?

      Does she say why she believes that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 doesn’t apply in this situation?

      Marriage is supposed to involve healthy sex where both husband and wife feel honored, respected, safe, and loved.

      Is she willing to read any books with you? Like maybe Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? Or is she willing to talk with a godly mentoring wife who is living out honoring and respecting her husband?

      I think it is possible that many women don’t know how men think and can’t imagine any perspective other than their own. It is possible that she doesn’t understand that she is placing you in harm’s way and into the path of temptation. Or that she is so wounded she is unable to see that.

      Are you able to share any of her words that don’t make sense to you about why she believes there is something very wrong with you? Maybe I could help you decipher it?

      How have you attempted to address the situation? Sometimes wives can’t “hear” things that are from a masculine perspective with which they are not familiar. Sometimes they respond better to things like, “I feel unloved when we go so long without sex.” “I feel really hurt by the lack of intimacy in our marriage. That is how I connect with you. I want us to have a strong, healthy marriage on every level.”

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you, my dear brother!



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