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Confronting Your Husband’s Sin

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DISCLAIMER:

This is a HUGE topic.  There are MANY situations and issues that I cannot address in detail here.  I cannot possibly fit all of what scripture says in one post like this.  So this is a small taste on this topic, but it is not remotely exhaustive.  Please be sure to seek godly counsel if you are having significant issues in your marriage.  God’s Word is the authority he, not me! (Like always!)

WE ARE ALL SINNERS

No matter whom you marry – you will be in a relationship with another sinful human.  He WILL sin against you.  He will hurt you very badly at times.  You will also sin against him.  And you will hurt him very badly at times.  Thankfully, there is grace, mercy and forgiveness in Christ!  WE ALL NEED THAT DESPERATELY!  Hopefully you are married to a believer in Christ. When we are in Jesus, our old sinful nature is dead and nailed to the cross, buried in the tomb. We are no longer slaves to sin. We can choose to let the Spirit of God control us instead of our sinful nature. But we will not be completely perfect until heaven. We are learning to allow God’s Spirit to have full control and to live in the victory Jesus has won for us on the cross.  If your husband is not a believer in Christ, his greatest need is to have Jesus as his Savior and Lord. (More on that at the bottom!)  In that situation, please seek godly advice and counsel.

DOES HAVING A QUIET SPIRIT OR SUBMISSION MEAN I HAVE TO ACCEPT SIN AND SAY NOTHING?

A “quiet” spirit means a stilled or calm spirit – it means trusting in God instead of freaking out or trying to make things work out myself.

Biblical submission does not mean a wife has to accept her husband’s sin and  she can’t say anything about it.  But if we do approach our husbands – it must be in a spirit of great humility, respect, prayer and the love of the Spirit of Christ.

IS IT REALLY SIN?

Let’s be sure that our husband is actually sinning by God’s standard and definition before we confront him.  A lot of things are “disputable matters” – that could have more than one way of looking at them.  If it is not clearly a sin – it may not be wise to confront our husbands – but rather to pray.  We can say what we want and need – but then we cannot force our will on our husbands.  What biblical references do you have to prove that this is actually a sin?  If the issue is something like – your husband believes God wants him to take a certain job, move to another town, discipline the children in a way you don’t like, handle the bills in a different way from yours  or change churches… you may not want to do those things, but what he wants to do is not sinful.

It can be really easy for us as wives sometimes to think our husbands are being sinful – when in reality, they just have different perspectives than we do.  If he determines how to tithe differently, or decides not to tithe, or if he doesn’t initiate prayer with you. or he doesn’t lead a nightly family devotion – be careful here.  These things are great things, but if he is not doing these things you want him to do – is it actually sin?  Not necessarily!

If your husband is asking you to do something like:

– go to a strip club with him

– allow him to have an affair

– have a threesome

– lie on the income tax

– steal from someone

– join a cult

– have an abortion

– be ok with a porn addiction

– accept a drug/alcohol addiction

– accept his gambling addiction

Then you have a problem that I believe must be addressed with God’s power and truth.

IS IT POSSIBLE SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING ON?

As women, if the issue is “a disputable matter” not a clear sin on our husband’s part, I think it is important for us to consider whether there may be other factors going on that make us feel upset with our husbands and could make us think we should confront our husbands – but maybe our husbands aren’t the problem if we are:

– exhausted and sleep deprived (not a good time to make spiritual judgements or have extremely significant talks or confrontations about anything

– hormonal (going through PMS, pregnancy or menopause) – we may feel very strongly that our husbands are wrong about something, but if we are in a very hormonal state, we may not be in the best frame of mind to talk about something highly emotional or very important.

– hungry – low blood sugar can make us irrational and can make everything seem so much worse than it is.

– in pain/sick – any time we are hurting or feeling awful is not an ideal time to have a deep spiritual discussion.  This would require great sensitivity to God’s Spirit

WHEN HE SINS AGAINST YOU

There are several passages of scripture that are very useful whenever ANYONE sins against us. (There are others, too – but I am trying not to let my posts be too long!)

1.  Matthew 7:1-5 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Notice that Jesus doesn’t say NOT to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  But He does expect us to handle our own sin first before we address our brother’s sin.  If there is idolatry (putting yourself and being in control above Jesus in your heart – or anything above Jesus in your heart), selfishness, pride (thinking you know best), disrespect against God or your husband, gossip, slander, lust, rebellion against God’s Word, contentiousness, contempt, unforgiveness, bitterness, rage, addiction to something, etc… We must repent humbly on our faces before our holy God for our own sin and repent to our husbands if we have sinned against them.  It’s REALLY important to do this FIRST before we confront our husbands’ sin

2. Matthew 18:15-17

 If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

 Jesus instructs us to go directly to the person who has sinned against us privately first.  If they won’t repent/apologize – then we are to take another godly person with us.  If they still won’t repent or turn from their sin, we are supposed to take them before the church.  Unfortunately, most churches don’t do this anymore – but that is what Jesus instructs us to do. (I would emphasize that involving other people would probably only be necessary if this was a significant situation – infidelity, addiction, etc.)

3. Luke 17:3-4

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.  

 Jesus teaches that if a believer sins against us and apologizes, we must forgive him/her every time.
4. Matthew 6:14-15
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  
This is a VERY serious statement!  If I don’t forgive, God will not forgive me.  This command has no qualifier.  It’s not only if the other person repents that I am to forgive them.  I am to forgive if I want God to forgive me.  The more clearly I see how huge my own sin debt is to God – the easier it will be for me to extend the grace and mercy of Jesus to others.
5. I Corinthians 7:10
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.  But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.  And a husband must not divorce his wife.
 
** Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as trust!  If your man cheats on you, or is involved in a drug/alcohol addiction/pornography addiction, etc… you may need godly counsel together and he may need another man to hold him accountable and to help him rebuild trust in your relationship.  If you or your children are not safe – please find godly help ASAP!  There are times when separation may be necessary – with a prayerful desire for ultimate healing and reconciliation if at all possible by God’s power.
OTHER TEACHINGS OF JESUS ABOUT WHEN WE ARE WRONGED
  • Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  Matthew 5:44
  • Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  Luke 6:28
  • Do to others as you would have them do to you.  Luke 6:31
  • God is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6
  • Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Luke 6
  • Do not condemn and you will not be condemned.  Luke 6
  • Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  Luke 6
  • Give, and it will be given to you.  A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6
  • Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment!  James 2:12-13
  • We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers.  Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.  I John 3:14-15
  • If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.  For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And He has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.  I John 4:20-21
  • Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.    Romans 12:17
  • If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
  • Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath. Romans 12:19
  • Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12:21

MY TIPS:

If you must confront your husband’s sin

  • speak softly and gently – maybe even whisper your words
  • be very respectful and humble
  • realize that we are all equally sinful before God – we are not “better than” our husbands.  Our pride, control, disrespect, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, gossip, etc… is just as offensive to God as our husbands’ sins.
  • don’t pressure him for a response – he may need some time (hours or days) to think about what he wants to say
  • pray for him
  • realize he is not your enemy – sin is
  • be fairly brief and to the point
  • be non-confrontational
  • be ready to listen
  • if he changes the topic to your faults – calmly agree to talk about that after this conversation –  preferably, you have already repented of your faults, so you’ve already had that discussion!
  • when you do listen to him confront you about your sin – don’t be defensive, but listen and carefully consider and pray about what he says to see if God may be speaking to you about something important that He may want you to work on.

IF YOUR MAN IS DISOBEDIENT TO GOD’S WORD

I Peter 3:1-6 applies if your man is far from God.  The farther away a man is from Christ, the more he usually cannot hear his wife’s WORDS about spiritual things.  Unfortunately, her words about God and spiritual things will likely push him farther away from her and from God.  Her respect and living out her faith will impact him much more than her words.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wiveswhen they see the purity and reverence of your lives.Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbandslike Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Please note that it is our submission to our husbands’ authority that will speak most to our men and draw them to Christ – NOT our words about God/church/spiritual things.  If your husband is not a believer or he is out of fellowship with Christ – your willing, joyful cooperation with his leadership (unless he asks you to sin or condone sin) is God’s method of choice to have you witness and be a missionary to him!  It is your willingness to honor his God-given leadership and your respect and attitude of not complaining or arguing or freaking out that will speak to him.  Your calm, gentle, peaceful trust in the sovereignty of Christ to work through your husband for your ultimate good and God’s glory is powerful!!!

** If there is major sin, mental illness, drug/alcohol addiction, infidelity or criminal activity going on in your marriage – please talk to a godly pastor  you can trust or a Christian counselor or doctor (depending on the situation) and get godly help ASAP!

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Forgiveness

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How to Start Over in Christ

How to Pray for Your Husband so that God will Hear

But He Needs My Help!

I’m Right!

My Demon

The Voice in His Head

28 thoughts on “Confronting Your Husband’s Sin

  1. I have a friend who was recently hurt by her friend, today he wants to come back. I tod she waS being too hard to forgive but when she told me What he did . I was shockd. She has forgiven him but wants no communication. Is there any thing wrong With this

    1. Itycharles,
      I don’t think I understand what happened, so it is very difficult for me to say. Are we talking about a boyfriend and girlfriend? We are commanded to forgive, but that doesn’t mean we have to trust the person until they prove themselves to be trustworthy.

  2. Another great post, April! The first Scripture reference you used — Matthew 7:1-5 — is the one that always comes to me when hubby and I have a spat. It makes me remember to check my eye for whatever stubborn plank is present before I try to point out the speck in my hubby’s eye. And God is always faithful to show me where I need to change my thinking or behavior. I am so thankful for that!

  3. This is an area I struggle with the application of, and one I think wives need to be really certain that there is sin and not merely a difference n opinion. I know that part of this comes from my experience in the church I was associated with for most of my adult life,In that church, simply disagreeing with the majority even within your own marriage and family was viewed as sin.There is a fine balance between pointing out sin and realizing that it’s before our own Master we stand or fall.I think as a rule it is better that a husband has Christian men that he is close to that hold each other accountable, so that a wife never has to do this.I guess in my mind the key in what you wrote is the word “must”. In saying you must confront your husband I hope and believe you to mean that as a last resort. This is an issue especially in marriage that both husbands and wives should view as the nuclear option, and should never be done without very careful consideration.

    1. Ted C.,

      That is a really good point – there are many times wives confront their husbands about things that are not labeled as sins in the Bible. I need to mention that in the post.

      Yes – I am talking about sin that is clearly sin. I have had wives write to me about husbands bringing home women off the streets for threesomes or wanting their wives to go with them to strip clubs or wanting their wives to condone pornography addiction or illegal activities. These kinds of things must be confronted, in my view. Some wives have told me they were trying to respect their husbands in these situations. I don’t believe that God asks a wife to respect such things or to accept this kind of behavior in the marriage without saying a thing about it.

      But I totally agree that there are many times when wives confront their husbands over things that aren’t necessarily sin – and I don’t want to encourage that.

      I appreciate the comment greatly!

    2. It would be ideal if husbands and wives both had same-sex mentors and accountability partners. Wonderful idea! I did change the post a bit.

      This is why I can’t write short posts! It leaves too many important things out. 🙂

      1. I know!”The heart of man is so deceitful and corrupt” it’s next to impossible to cover all facets in an area so personal as marriage!

  4. Nor do I condone the situations you are describing. I cannot conceive of a Christian man participating himself let alone asking his wife to participate int those acts.

    1. These were all husbands who claim to be Christians. Obviously, something is VERY wrong. But I don’t want wives to think they have to respect this kind of sinful behavior. That is why I am addressing this issue. Such a broad issue… I truly can’t address every situation, but hope to bring a biblical focus for women to pray about and consider.

  5. I’m struggling with seeing my husband continue his addiction to smoking, and then see him with a beer in his hand every time I see him lately. He hasn’t always done the beer thing. It comes and goes, but we have a baby now and before we married I let him know that I didn’t want our home to have those things. I want to be the best influence and teachers to our children and I just don’t see that as being part of it. I’m confused on what the Word says about drinking. There are verses that say drunkard, verses that say drinking/drink, people say that Jesus had wine to drink. So, I don’t know, but I do feel that God has given me conviction in my own heart about it and it disgusts me to think about my children seeing me or my husband drink daily or regularly. Argh! Any advice would be helpful. Thank you 🙂

    1. ButterflyDove,

      In Bible times, there was no super clean water. My understanding is that the people mostly drank wine – and that if they drank water, it would make them sick. (That is why Paul told Timothy to drink a little wine because of his stomach).

      There are admonishments in both the Old and New Testaments not to be drunk. But nowhere is there a command in the Bible that says not to drink alcohol. We are not to be addicted to it. But this is an area where it’s easy to have our own convictions and then be very critical of our husbands if they don’t share our convictions. There is nothing wrong with having the conviction that you don’t want to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. But if your husband drinks one beer per day or something, and he is not drunk – I don’t see biblical support for that being sin.

      My personal recommendation would be to focus on all the things your husband does that you appreciate and to praise him for everything that is good – and be sure you are not looking down on him with condemnation, judgment, a critical spirit, pride, etc… because those things would be sin on your part. Focus on humility and seeking CHrist first in your own life and on respecting your husband and having a cooperative spirit with his leadership.

      If he begins drinking to get drunk – then you have a different situation. But right now, it doesn’t sound like a big problem to me.

      Much love to you!

    2. “I’m confused on what the Word says about drinking.”

      ButterflyDove,

      Here is a great study that a Christian woman on Blogspot did on “The Theology of Drink.” I think she or her husband attended Fuller Seminary at some point, and I like their logic and conclusions.

      http://gombojavfamily.blogspot.com/2012/02/theology-of-drink.html

      Maybe you can consider their thoughts and pray about how God may speak about what He would like for your family.

      April,

      I like your advice! Good job!

      1. Thanks you two. I really admire the way that my parents raised us. I was raised in a loving Christian home. Church every Sunday, family Bible study during the week. Learned about the love the Lord has for me from the way they showed love. They did an amazing job. They would have beer occassionaly (buy a 6pk about 2 or 3 times a year) and we would call it “beard” lol. Otherwise they would celebrate on their anniversary, etc not around us. I’m just hoping to be the same great example with my kids in teaching occassional/moderation. I’m going to lay this at God’s feet, and hopefully my husband and I will be moved by Him to be on the same page in being an example in regards to this 🙂

        1. Butterfly Dove,

          I like your parents’ example. 🙂 My parents didn’t drink at all – well except that my Daddy’s dr told him to drink 2 ounces of red wine every night for a few months when we were kids – but it always looked like he was taking medicine when he drank it. He hated it!

          My husband’s parents don’t drink at all, and we don’t either. My Granddaddy was an alcoholic – and I just really don’t want to go there!

          But – there are MANY people who drink a glass of wine with dinner every night and who don’t have an alcohol issue. And there are many people who drink a beer every night – who don’t have an issue with alcohol either.

          I think that since he is not abusing alcohol – this falls under that passage where Paul talks about “disputable matters.” Romans 14:13-23 and I Corinthians 8.

          I’m glad to hear that you are going to trust God with this. I don’t see where your husband’s example is sinful. I understand where you are coming from. But I am sure that allowing God to speak to your husband about his convictions and then closing ranks to maintain the unity in your marriage is a very healthy, wise idea. 🙂

  6. About Matthew 18:17 “If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
    As Sister said, “Unfortunately, most churches don’t do this anymore – but that is what Jesus instructs us to do. ” Since this is true, that rarely can you find a pastor or congregation willing to do this, it is wise to take a longer look at the Greek from which we get the verse. The Lexicons render the Greek, translated as church or assembly or congregation, in the following way: “(1577) ejkklhsi>a, — ek-klay-see’-ah; a calling out, i.e. (concretely) a popular meeting, especially a religious congregation (Jewish synagogue, or Christian community of members on earth or saints in heaven or both): — assembly, church.” Remember that in the time of the book of Acts, the original “churches” were not congregations of hundreds or thousands, but groups that met in homes or small groups. Now put all of the Greek back into the verse, expand the translation: “If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church or the meeting or congregation or assembly [of disciples]; and if they refuse to listen even to the church or the meeting or congregation or assembly [of disciples,] treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” So it could be your “small home group” or your prayer group or a Christian recovery group like Celebrate Recovery. Please note that it does not specify which church and it doesn’t say to tell everyone in the local assembly of believers.
    Remember that the word translated as “church” can mean all the disciples of Jesus of all time (Ephes 5:23), or it can mean a local group meeting in a home (Romans 16:5 Greet also the church that meets in their home. . .). Keep it simple and stay within the given text to try to understand it, and hopefully you will see that there is a way to do Matthew 18:17 wisely and even discretely without involving people who might not care or be in agreement with you.

  7. We also have to be careful (unfortunately, speaking from experience) that, since the Bible is of no private interpretation, that God could very well be convicting a wife of something, but her husband is not at the place in his relationship with God to be grown in that area. What I mean is that, when I spend my time with God and He teaches and grows me, the revelations and instruction I receive from MY time with God and His Word — are for me — and not for instructing my husband.

    God works with each individual where their heart is at, at that time. And quite often our growth with our Lord is personal and on a one to one basis. Although we are there to help each other, ultimately the Lord will not set me against my husband – and if there is conflict in some areas it could simply be that I’m transferring my own conviction, for myself, onto my husband’s heart.

      1. LOL — I really DID laugh out loud at your phrase, “… extremely confused about that!” – I guess because I too, was …. EXTREMELY confused. I’m sure for hubbys – it was no laughing matter at the time; but thankfully grace is sooooo very new every day!

    1. Dear Robyn, We know that Father cares profoundly about the feelings of His children, wives and husbands. I believe that Matt 18:15’s ““If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.” is a little vague so that it can include everything from those offending the little ones (including baby/young Christians; their offenders who get stone necklaces Mark 9:42); to those who are offended by controversies and doctrinal quarrels (Romans 14:1); to those who are offended by behavior that is not forbidden or condemned in the Bible (Romans 14:13-23). The point is that it is very important to avoid, as much as is possible, offending another believer. On the other hand when Caucasian me married the AfroAm mother of my children I knew that many would be offended, but I knew that they were offended because of their sinful thinking and beliefs, that it was a sin for them to be so offended and fall short of 2 Cor 4:18;5:16; Gala 3:28. It is similar to Jesus being condemned by sinners for eating with tax collectors and immoral people.

      The Matt 18:15 word translated above as “fault” comes from the Greek “(264) aJmarta>nw; properly to miss the mark (and so not share in the prize), i.e. (figurative) to err, especially (moral) to sin: — faults, offend, sin, trespass.” So it definitely includes someone doing to another that which the Bible clearly, specifically and explicitly says is wrong, evil and condemned. What if the offensive behavior is not clearly, specifically and explicitly declared in the Bible to be wrong, evil and condemned? Does Matt 18:15-17 include such offensive behavior? Does it include not doing an equal share of the household chores, one not cleaning the sink after one uses it, one not flushing the toilet or rinsing out the tub after one uses it, failing to make up one’s side of the bed after arising, forgetting a birthday or anniversary, forgetting flowers and gift on Valentine’s day, failing to open doors for the other or etc etc etc? Let’s see what the Word says about offensive behavior.

      Luke 17 & Rom 14:21″(4624) skandali>zw; to entrap, i.e. trip up (figurative stumble [transitive] or entice to sin, apostasy or displeasure): — (make to) offend.”

      So it is clearly sin, a Matt 18:15 issue, if the offense entices another to lose their faith or do what the Bible clearly, specifically and explicitly declares to be condemned by God as sin. Please note that the offensive behavior in Romans 14:21 includes anything and is not clearly, specifically and explicitly declared to be condemned by God as sin, so it could include not doing an equal share of the household chores, one not cleaning the sink after one uses it, one not flushing the toilet or rinsing out the tub after one uses it, failing to make up one’s side of the bed after arising, forgetting a birthday or anniversary, forgetting flowers and gift on Valentine’s day, failing to open doors for the other or etc etc etc.

      Enter the rule from 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. If the offense involves not doing an equal share of the household chores, one not cleaning the sink after one uses it, one not flushing the toilet or rinsing out the tub after one uses it, AND THAT ONE DOES NOT KNOW THE BEHAVIOR IS OFFENSIVE, that one has not yet sinned even though that one offended another. However, as soon as the offender knows that her/his behavior is enticing another to lose their faith or do what the Bible clearly, specifically and explicitly declares to be condemned by God as sin – then the offending behavior becomes sin against another, and is a Matt 18:15 and 2 Timothy 2:24-26 situation.

      Romans 14:15 grieved = “(3076) lupe>w, — loo-peh’-o; from (3077) (lu>ph); to distress; reflexive
      or passive to be sad: — cause grief, grieve, be in heaviness, (be) sorrow (-ful), be (make) sorry.”

      So it is clearly sin, a Matt 18:15 issue, if the offense causes emotional distress, sadness, grief, heaviness or sorrow. Now the Romans 14: 15 offensive behavior could be about sinful behavior because the Gentile believers were instructed by the Spirit in Acts chapters 15 & 21 to not eat certain kinds of meat, especially if they were in the presence of Messianic Jews, including the Apostles. But the offense described in Rom 14:15 could also include behavior that is thoughtless and unintended. Then it becomes a matter of the 1 Corinthians 10:23-33 rule – it is sinful to do personal and optional behavior you know causes emotional distress, sadness, grief, heaviness or sorrow to others. If obeying clear, explicit, and specific Scripture causes emotional distress, sadness, grief, heaviness or sorrow to others; the others are guilty of sin. They are offended by God.

      Rom 14:13 “stumbling block” ; Rom 14:20 “offence”; and Rom 14:21 “stumbles” are all from “(4348) pro>skomma, — pros’-kom-mah; a stub, i.e. (figurative) occasion of apostasy: — offence, stumbling
      (-block, [-stone]).” Here the offense causes one to lose their faith or do that which the Bible declares to be sin.

      Enter the rule from 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. If the offense involves not doing an equal share of the household chores, one not cleaning the sink after one uses it, one not flushing the toilet or rinsing out the tub after one uses it, AND THAT ONE DOES NOT KNOW THE BEHAVIOR IS OFFENSIVE, that one has not yet sinned even though that one offended another. However, as soon as the offender knows that her/his behavior is enticing another to lose their faith or do what the Bible clearly, specifically and explicitly declares to be condemned by God as sin – then the offending behavior becomes sin against another, and is a Matt 18:15 and 2 Timothy 2:24-26 situation.

      Father cares profoundly about the feelings of His children, wives and husbands. Since those feelings are important to Father, the should be important to us. We always need to remember that inasmuch as we have offended, enticed to sin, grieved, distressed or caused sorrow, sadness to one of Father’s children (wives, husbands) we have done it to Him and His Son, Jesus (Matt 25:31-46. Remember Matt 18:15-17 must always be done in the manner prescribed in 2 Timothy 2:24-26.

  8. My husband has smoked cigarettes since I first met him. He used a program, patches, different techniques, and was able to lay them down for two years after our 2nd daughter was born. He wanted to be a good role model for them. He tried to quit other times, but it only seemed to click when I said it was up to him and he had to make the choice on his own. He definitely didn’t need me telling him to quit, plus that never worked. It had to be his choice.

    I would almost look at cigarette smoking as a drug addiction. Its something he still struggles with, and I want to be there for him, but he won’t let me. I found tobacco/dip in his truck that guys at work gave him. He said he was sorry he hid it from me, then did it again. Now he is working at a different job. Recently, I found out he had been smoking and hiding it from me. Aren’t we supposed to be an open house with one another? I don’t hide things from him. How can we have a marriage if he’s hiding things from me. I have got upset in the past when I would find things he hid from me, but I resolved to not go that route anymore. Now I try to be more understanding, more gentle, understanding, friendly. So, why can’t he come to me?

    The worst is when I confront him and he denies what we both know to be truth. It insults me and hurts me and pushes me away. It puts a wall up between us. I know we are broken people. Just like the song, Broken Together…”If you can bring your shattered dreams, and I’ll being mine, could healing still be spoken and save us….the only way we’ll last forever is broken (Together)”…So, I don’t know what to do if he won’t be honest with me and can look in my eyes and lie. Who will plagiarize another Christian’s work from the internet, pass it off as their own, show it to their wife, submit it to class, deny it’s plagiarized to their teacher, their wife, even to God in prayer…?? I don’t get it. I can see he must be looking for recognition and want to look “perfect” in my eyes, but at what cost? All I know and can do I’d pray. Hopefully this all made sense. I know I was all over the place.

    1. Girlsmitten,

      As a pharmacist, I would absolutely say that cigarette addiction is a drug addiction. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known. Kind of like sugar.

      How long have you been a safe place for him to share? What did you used to do when you got upset with him?

      I COMPLETELY understand not wanting your husband to smoke. I wouldn’t like that at all – and I am allergic to smoke, so that would make it even worse. However – I’m just wondering – what do you believe your responsibility and role is in his not smoking? Do you believe that you need to make him quit and that it is your job to police his cigarette use? Do you believe that getting really mad and upset will motivate him to stop?

      How do you believe God might desire you to support and love your husband as a teammate through this?

      Much love to you!

    2. Your husband will never feel open to share with you as long as he feels like a child in your eyes. Any type of correction towards him shows you don’t accept him for who he is. You are comforted by going to Jesus with your sin because you know He accepts you sin and all. Your husband will never treat you like Jesus, for obvious reasons. But if you want him to treat you like a team-mate and partner in this journey of life than you cannot behave like a mother to him.

  9. Thank you for posting this: God most definitely used your words, your analysis of His Word, and He gave you the wisdom to do so to really help me approach my husband Biblically and to encourage me in my marriage. Thank you for serving our Lord in this way!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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