From my friend, Kayla, at www.lessonsofmercy.wordpress.com
I promised when I started this blog that I was going to be real. If I am going to write “Practical Applications” that are really attainable, instead of leaving Christians with a desire to change, but no real way to get the new results, then I have to be willing to also share when practically speaking – I still blow it even with steps to follow!
So I told you all about how I turned over the responsibility of the finances to my husband a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been doing really well. I haven’t been on the computer checking the balance, I haven’t worried if the money if flying out of the account since I don’t have the constant reminder of where we are at, and I have even been able to let go of my need to write every receipt in the check book the second I get in the car or home (depending on if I’m driving or not : )
Two weeks ago, when heading to church, my husband forgot the check book. Which isn’t a big surprise because I’ve had it on me for 11 years. I was totally calm, not upset at all, and just reminded him that “it’s no big deal, we can just put it on next weeks check.” And that was that.
This Sunday, my husband remembered the check book, and before church had sat down and figured out what to write it for and had it all ready ahead of time. WITHOUT any coaching or prompting or NAGGING from me!!
And on the outside of the envelope at church, where you write down how much money the check is for, I glanced at it. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!
Because I’m a money FREAK – I was adding up numbers in my head – OK we missed a week, it had cashed in vacation from the end of the year on it (which I couldn’t be positive of how much it was because I hadn’t asked my husband for his pay stub as I always would have in the past on week’s like that) and I knew my babysitting money needed to be in there, plus this week – and CRAP!
In my head I’m saying “Don’t say anything, Don’t say anything, Don’t say anything” when out of my mouth comes “that’s not the right amount.”
UGH!!!!!!!! I was so mad at myself!!!! Then since I said that, I had to briefly explain what I was thinking, which turned into translating, “You’re not doing it right” and it was a frustrating mess.
So I couldn’t worship. I was really ticked at myself. Two songs into a pathetic attempt to praise the Lord in the middle of my sin, I whispered in his ear something to the effect of “I’m so sorry, that was uncalled for. Thank you for handling this for us.” ((Honestly, I’m NOT bragging on myself here, but I’m REALLY glad I have learned what I have and apologized quickly for blowing it. This is NOT how this would have played out AT ALL in the past. I would have had to prove to the “T” why I was positive he was wrong, and then be angry for at least a day if not longer about it not being done the way it should have been. How’s that for disrespectful and unattractive?))
He was really sweet to hug and put his arm around me and say “It’s OK.” It really wasn’t OK, but he was choosing to forgive quickly and make it OK.
The rest of the day was just fine.
However, Monday morning when I was praying and repenting of my sin, I felt the Lord uncover to me why I reacted like that.
The truth is, it wasn’t the control thing like I thought at first. God has been incredibly gracious with a super natural power to help me lay that down.
It was because we have always tithed at least 10% exactly and we’ve seen the Lord take care of us in some incredible ways over the last 11 years. And I had a panic attack that if we didn’t continue to do that faithfully, the Lord’s blessings and provision would not be on us anymore.
I was literally in frustrated fear that God wouldn’t bless the remaining 90% if we weren’t diligent to write the check for the exact right amount of money.
I felt like a block head when I realized this.
Be incredibly thankful for how far we’ve come in our marriage in the last few years but especially the last 6 months because of what I’m finally learning!
Be EVEN MORE thankful that I have such a forgiving and patient husband!!
TRUST GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t stress this enough. God is BIG enough to lead my husband without my supervision, and HE is BIG enough to know my heart without my “acts” of service always being “perfect.”