Skip to main content

"My Assumptions Created Problems in Our Marriage!"

1208847_35671158-1From a reader, THANK YOU for sharing!!!!  I SO totally relate to her mindset, and I did the EXACT same thing in the past!  I LOVE what this wife has learned and the way she shares it is so relatable.  I know this post will bless MANY, MANY other wives!  Great job!!!!!
——————————————————-
I have a story that I think you might appreciate.
One of the biggest problems in my marriage is me assuming that my husband is mad at me.  If I don’t understand his behavior, I assume it is about his disappointment in me.  He’s tired and quiet from work, I assume he’s upset because I didn’t make the kids clean up all their toys.  He accidentally forgot his phone, I assume he’s mad that I didn’t pay enough attention to him the day before and doesn’t want me to be able to get in touch with him.  It never ends with just the assumption that he’s upset.  Then I get upset that he’s upset and won’t talk to me about it and give me a chance to defend myself. 
If only he knew how hard I worked to get the house as clean as it is.  I wasn’t ignoring him, doesn’t he know that I have a lot on my plate?  And try as hard as I might, I can’t get everything done while he’s out.  Left arguing with myself for a while, I will suddenly remember that my husband isn’t perfect, and maybe I could be a better wife if he did X, Y, and Z better.  Then when I see him, and he asks what the matter with me is, I am ready with all my ammo to tell him what he needs to change to help me be a better wife to him.
Last year, I started reading your blog, and while my story isn’t exactly the same as yours, my eyes were opened to my extreme disrespect toward my husband.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED
First, my husband is an adult.
If he’s upset with me, he can tell me on his own.  I don’t need to think for him.  When I confessed to him what I was doing his reply was
“Wow, you give me credit for thinking a lot more than I do.”
Sometimes he really is just tired, just forgetful, or just quiet.  There is no ulterior motive.  It is disrespectful to not take him at face value.
Second, if I have to make excuses to myself, I know that I’m not treating him as I think he should be treated.  Instead of wasting time coming up with excuses, I could more constructively use that time to clean up the mess, or take care of stuff so that when he comes home I can spend time with him.
Last, if I feel that we must talk about my perceived issues, I should start saying “I know the house was a mess yesterday, did that bother you?” instead of “Maybe this house wouldn’t be such a mess if you pitched in more.” 
However, when I began seeing just how messed up I was, my husband was deployed, so I had some information but no chance to try it out.
A NEW BEGINNING
Last night I got my chance.  I had exciting news that I wanted to share.  My husband was building Legos with my son, so I thought I’d call my sister and share the excitement with her.  I thought I’d probably leave a message, and be back downstairs in less than fifteen minutes.  Fifty-two minutes later I hung up the phone.  Knowing I had spent almost an hour of precious Sunday time not paying attention to my husband I went to find him to see if he wanted to do something.
He was nowhere to be found.  In my head, he left without a word because he was feeling ignored.  And I stopped right there.  He did poke his head into the room while I was on the phone, maybe he wanted me to know where he was going, but he didn’t want to interrupt.  In fact, he did tell our son where he was going, it’s not his fault our son forgot that happened.
Then I remembered, we did have something that belonged to our neighbor that we no longer needed, he probably returned it and then began chatting.  His absence was just him living his life, not a direct result of being mad at me.  At least that was my new story until he told me different.
Then, instead of coming up with excuses and things that he’d done to take time away from us, I used the time that I had to get stuff done, so that we could have some time for just the two of us when he came home.
Instead of coming home to a fight, my husband came home to a wife that made sure we’d be able to have some time for each other.  Instead of a fight, I got quality time with my husband.
The difference is night and day.
RESOURCES and RELATED POSTS
Shuanti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only” –  will help you understand how men think and how DIFFERENT they are from women!  (From a Christian perspective)

12 thoughts on “"My Assumptions Created Problems in Our Marriage!"

    1. Nicole,
      I used to do this EVERY DAY! Women usually interpret silence as contempt. And we get ourselves in a lot of trouble because for a man, silence can mean MANY different things! Most of them are not bad.

  1. Love this post too!! I still often assume things rather than just ask. He tells me often that ‘ I didn’t say that.’. And I’m usually dumbfounded thinking I surely just heard him say that, but I took what he said the complete wrong way… As an attack on me, like I did something wrong. Still working on this because I’m such a pleaser!!! Thanks for sharing!

    1. Isn’t it a good one! I love this post. 🙂 This lesson was extremely valuable in my marriage, too! It helped to realize that my husband truly did not have evil motives towards me like I had thought he did for many years.

  2. I love this. In my marriage, I am the one who finds it tempting to think the way that you related…and I am the husband, not the wife. I think that it probably has to less with gender and more rejection and accusation thought patterns.

    In my home of origin, my mother would get into quiet but seemingly unhappy moods. I would assume that it had to have something to do with me. I would dive into helping with the dishes or other household choirs. My mom would be quite pleased to have help with the house, and it would improve her mood. I know now that my parents had a really terrible marriage. It is more likely that my mom was simply upset about something in her marriage or maybe just reflective.

    For me, I think that it is a control thing. If I can cause my wife to be happy to be around me, then it means that I am wanted and valued. If she is unhappy, it must mean that I have not done enough to earn the worthiness of being loved, cherished, and adored by her. That sets me to accuse her in my attempt to defend myself against these accusations against myself.

    Of course, all of that is a lie. It all begins with the belief that it is not right for me to be loved, that I am not worthy of love unless I have earned it. The reality is that it is right for loved ones to love me, cherish me, nurture me, be kind to me, and accept me even with my faults and shortcomings. It is right because God commands us to love each other and because He loves us that way. He only does what is right and commands us to do what it is right. Therefore, it makes it right for me to accept His love and the godly love of others. It is actually morally wrong for me to believe that I cannot be loved because I have not performed well enough. In taking such a stance, I would be setting myself up above God to determine who it is right to love and who it is not right to love.

    1. Nathan,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I definitely see why you learned to assume that silence meant you were in trouble. Most women interpret silence as contempt. And you were taught to expect that, too.
      I LOVE what you say in your last two paragraphs. Would you allow me the honor of using those anonymously (if you prefer) in a post either on the blog or on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page, please?

      GREAT points!

  3. Yes, my male friend says I assume a lot. But based on actions how else are we to tell what’s going on with out asking a person 50 billion question.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: