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Why Are Many of Us So Unprepared to Be Godly Wives? – Part 1

firstwifepain

Here are comments from two Christian men that I believe deserve our time,  attention and some prayerful consideration.  Then I have some observations about why I believe Christian women are  often so unprepared for biblical marriage and some warning signs that there may be trouble ahead before a woman enters marriage that I will be sharing tomorrow. 

 Let me warn the ladies – this may be quite painful to read.  Men are sinners, too.  I am not addressing that issue or addressing men in this post.  I teach women.  And it is time for us to allow God to shine His light on our condition of extreme spiritual poverty as Christian women in our culture.  I pray that we might be broken before Jesus and see our own sinfulness and cry out to Him for healing.

FROM ANONYMOUS: (A Christian single man, he begins with a quote from one of my posts earlier in the week on www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com)

“But we are contaminating our minds and our relationships when we indulge in this selfish, sinful, disrespectful (to God and to our men), resentful, bitter behavior. We are poisoning our hearts against our guys when we criticize and ridicule them to others. If things are truly that awful with him – please do some serious praying about whether this is a man to consider for marriage. If you can’t respect him now – you are going to have a MUCH harder time after you get married! YOU MUST BE ABLE TO RESPECT YOUR GUY AS IS RIGHT NOW! You can’t change him! You’ve got to appreciate the masterpiece that he is or move on to someone else who is more in tune with Christ.”

Most Christian women don’t break up with men because they “are not in tune with Christ.”
They deliberately date men who aren’t!

They are influenced by society and break up because they want and believe they “deserve” more ______! They believe that God wants to give them everything they could possibly hope for or imagine, and discard anyone who fails to meet their own culturally-derived definition of perfect. If anything, they themselves are not in tune with Christ, and they use their religious, self-centered, self-righteous mindset to rationalize and justify why they should have more _______!

They use God to rationalize why they deserve a man who is rich, tall, dark, and handsome (whether or not he is godly).
They also rationalize and use God as their excuse, not their real reasons why they are allowed to break up with godly men (because he isn’t rich, tall, dark, handsome.)

They abuse scripture and disrespect both God and Christian men!
They conveniently forget, minimize, justify, and excuse themselves of all their own sin
They are not honest with God or men, or even with themselves.
They are deceived.

I should also add that while they talk A LOT about the value of godliness, it is usually not anywhere near their highest priority. Once they obtain a boyfriend/husband who is some version of rich, tall, dark, handsome, popular, and high-status, they might also use God as their excuse to break up with him if they decide (according to their own personal standards) that he is not “holy enough” for them. So they have no problem violating scripture to obtain the man they want (they probably knew whether or not he was “holy” before), but then they turn around and use scriptures as an excuse that he isn’t “good enough” or “holy enough” for them now.

Ironically, it doesn’t seem to matter if he is holy, but rather if she thinks he is “holy”, or if she is somehow holy enough herself to forgive him. If he demonstrates that he is human and makes mistakes, she is likely to break-up with him on-the-spot, because she is more concerned about herself than him. She sees him as the perpetrator of sin, rather than the victim of it. She is quick to look at the sin, not the sinner that still wants to love both God and her. She feels justified to reduce his entire being and the full-array of his character down to a single weak moment or turn a minor or temporary struggle into the permanent all-encompassing label of “bad” or “unholy,” as if a single snapshot in a single moment (of her choice) defines all of who he is as a person. Without realizing it, she acts as if its okay for her to be human, but its not okay for him. She expects him to be as perfect as Jesus, and is determined to hold him accountable to that impossibility!

Sadly, some men actually are holy, rich, tall, dark, handsome, popular, high-status, outgoing, spontaneous, easy-going, entertaining, charming, charismatic, ambitious, passionate, romantic, responsible, etc., etc., etc., and they still have difficulty finding godly women who want to be godly wives according to scripture.  

Women’s motives and actions are often selfish and self-righteous. They are only concerned with getting what they want, without any concern for who the man really is or how they might be hurting him.

If they get hurt in the process of dating a given man, then it is blamed, labeled, and filed-away as all his fault (not also their own willful sins and decisions).

Ultimately, women expect a man to be respected by everyone else (according to cultural standards) before they are willing to respect him (according to their own rationalized version of biblical standards), but they still holds onto their “right” to withhold respect at their will and at anytime they choose, for any reasons they choose. They just use God, scripture, and “holiness” as their excuse.

From Peacefulwife – I believe that his observations here are correct in many cases (not all!  Praise God!) and I believe that this is one of the most devastating problems in Christian romantic relationships and marriage today – the loss of respect by women for their men – and the loss of the understanding that the husband is the God-given spiritual authority in marriage.  The concept of unconditional respect for men, for husbands and for all God-given authority was destroyed in the 1960s and 70s.  Women today have almost no idea what respect is to a man, how to give it and what disrespect is, what it does to a man and how to avoid it.  Our mainstream culture is extremely disrespectful towards men and husbands and authorities.  So we think that disrespect is just normal.  Plus, we think so highly of our own spirituality as women, many times, that we think ourselves “more qualified” to lead spiritually because we read our Bibles more, can quote more verses and want to talk about the things of God more.  This is unscriptural!  God gave the husband the position of God-given authority in marriage (I Corinthians 11:3) and no wife can take that away from her husband.  He can’t give it away.  He IS the God-appointed head of the marriage and family.  And he is accountable to God for his leadership.  We are accountable to God for cooperating with the God-given leadership of our husbands – unless they ask us to sin or violate God’s Word.

I’m not sure how much you agree with any of these thoughts.

Obviously, I shouldn’t say ALL women are like this.
I’ve just personally encountered more of them than I wish!

Thanks again for taking the time to consider my thoughts!
I appreciate it!

AN ADDITIONAL QUOTE FROM ANONYMOUS THE NEXT DAY:

While I can’t comment on marriage, I will agree that I’ve heard several, several young Christian women use versions of the phrase “There are faithful single women out there that love God and want to live a life that is pleasing to Him.” Sometimes they say to me, “Don’t worry! There are plenty of good girls out there!” They usually think they are one of them, and don’t realize that I’ve already discerned them not to be.

It’s almost like saying, “If everyone were as great as me and my friends, then you have nothing to worry about,” which just make me cringe even more.

I’ve seen enough of my godly male friends ditched, cheated on, and divorced by their “good” Christian wives to realize that young Christian men now can’t just marry the women who (as David J put it) “attend (church) eagerly” or “absolutely revel” in worship. Sometimes the woman who looks so spiritual worshiping with her hands in the air on Sunday can be a nightmare to be around every other day of the week.

Many times, the women who think they are “right,” “good,” “godly,” “holy,” or somehow more “qualified” to date “good” men, are just as bad as those “other,” “less qualified” girls who they label and discredit as “bad” and “wrong.” They just don’t know it yet, because they’re too busy going to bible studies and volunteering for church activities.

Here are a few verses that illustrate what we all (men and women) have to be aware of before, during, and after we date and marry:
2 Timothy 3:5-7 (AMP)
5For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them]. [ ] 6[For among them are those who worm their way into homes and captivate silly and weak-natured and spiritually dwarfed women, loaded down with [the burden of their] sins [and easily] swayed and led away by various evil desires and seductive impulses. ] [ ] 7[[These weak women will listen to anybody who will teach them]; they are forever inquiring and getting information, but are never able to arrive at a recognition and knowledge of the Truth. ]

FROM DAVID:

M and Anonymous: God bless M for her desire to have a good marriage in spite of the lack of positive examples in her own family. I’m glad that the young women she knows do not seem to match up with Anonymous’s experience, but I have to tell you that I’m skeptical whether M’s friends are being honest with her or themselves. Since I’m an old(er) guy who was married for 29+ years, my personal experience is more with the married women of friends and at church rather than with younger single women. But of the population of Christian women with which I’m familiar, I have to say that the overwhelming majority fall on the wrong side of what Anonymous (and April) have described of what is typical. My own ex-wife would be one of the most obvious and egregious examples, but even setting her aside, I have very few friends who have wives who treat them with the kind of respect that April is (thankfully) urging on her readers. Like, count on one hand among all current acquaintances and maybe two hands of all acquaintances ever. That’s bad.

My suspicion is that marriage uniquely challenges a woman in ways that reveal more of who she really is than any pre-marriage environment does, with the result that both the woman herself and her husband are surprised when the disrespectful wife shows up. This means that Christian guys have to be unusually discerning in their dating, and that’s very hard to do. How are they going to spot non-obvious signs of rebellion and disrespect that even godly young women like M haven’t seen in each other?

Here’s where I will use my ex-wife as an example. I met her at a very conservative Christian college, which she was attending eagerly, not reluctantly. She was a Church Ministries major who thought she’d probably marry a pastor and would have been happy to do so. She absolutely reveled in the spiritual emphasis on campus — dorm room prayer meetings, hall prayer meetings, society prayer meetings, evangelistic outreaches, etc. She became a leader in all of these areas. Her father was a devout (albeit extreme fundamentalist) Christian. Her grandmother, who paid for her freshman year at the college, was a devout (albeit cold) Christian. Her mother was a promiscuous, oft-married alcoholic, but she wanted to be the opposite. Her faculty adviser was a very godly, gracious Bible professor who thought the world of her. And so on.

Looking back, with the benefit of experience in general and specific experience with her, I can identify signs that existed when we were dating and engaged (a total of almost 4 years). And my parents had some reservations that they gently (perhaps too gently) raised at the time. But the general consensus was that we were the perfect couple and that we would do great things for God. Only later did I start to see the selfishness, self-absorption, self-rightousness, pride, inability to admit being wrong, judgmentalism, and the over-arching FEARFULNESS that would soon be turned against me when it became clear that I wasn’t anywhere near perfect and when life (including especially finances) didn’t go as planned. [M, I’ve described my situation in more detail elsewhere, but the short version is that my wife ultimately divorced me without a biblical basis, contrary to pastoral and counselor advice, blowing up our lives and the lives of our 4 kids, ages 21-14 at the time; she then proceeded to meet (online), date, and marry a twice-divorced man within 13 months of the divorce, and has now moved 400 miles away to live with him, taking our 18-year old daughter with her and leaving our 16-year old son behind.)

I also believe, as April has noted from time to time, that somehow there is a difference in the two genders’ ability to spot their own tendency toward marital sin. For some reason, wives don’t seem to be able to have the light go on — either at all or as quickly — as husbands do. Give most of us a book or a seminar or a counselor and we’ll generally see our faults pretty quickly, and we’ll generally acknowledge them, apologize for them, and try to do better. (This is a generalization; I’m well aware that some men are obtuse idiots who never get it.) Not so with wives, in my experience. I wouldn’t ask you to put much stock in my experience alone, but I understand from April that hers is the same, with a much broader sample size.

So, between the fact that marriage is a unique crucible and the (admittedly generalized) fact that women don’t seem to be as self-aware as men, Christian young men have a much harder task than just finding “faithful single women out there that love God and want to live a life that is pleasing to Him.” That’s what I thought I had found, and it wasn’t enough. Then throw in the tilted playing field that is divorce in this country — churches (and individual Christians) that don’t want to get involved or “take sides” and a legal system that allows (even financially rewards) unilateral unbiblical divorces — and the long-term prospects for Christian young men can be very sobering, if not outright frightening. I am going to have to have some extended sessions with my own adult sons if/when they ever get serious about looking for a wife.

32 thoughts on “Why Are Many of Us So Unprepared to Be Godly Wives? – Part 1

  1. Whoa. What are a harsh truth. Ouch.

    It’s SO IMPORTANT who we surround ourselves with and the people we allow to speak into our lives. In the same way, so important to be aware of the models that we (most often, subconsciously) allow to be in our line of vision and ultimately influence us whether we know it or not.

    My husband and I were separated and on the very clear road to divorce just over a year ago. We had been very unhealthy in our 13 years of marriage, so much so that its overwhelming to even begin to explain. I had gotten to a place where I wasn’t taking care of myself and he wasn’t either and I wasn’t taking care of him (though I would’ve sworn-and often did-that I was just a “really good wife” who was taken for granted. I realized I was codependent and was finally working on me for the first time.

    All this to say that when we got back together there were MANY voices screaming loudly in my ears that I need to have good boundaries this time, take care of myself, make sure my own needs were getting met, etc. the entire responsibility for what went wrong was being placed on him. They had no idea (and quite frankly neither did I) what a HORRIBLE wife I’d been for so many years! But “the (well-meaning) voices insisted that it was mostly him. They just had no idea.

    Thankfully with God, my husbands wisdom, some AMAZING women, and April, I have seen so much how wrong that thinking and focus was.

    Because women talk so much, we have power of influence over each other far greater than we understand. What are we saying and what are we listening to?

    1. Emily, you are so right! I’ve seen it many times…. a wife tells her girlfriends about her problems and the girlfriends immediately throw all the blame on the husband and tell her she deserves better. Many times, the girlfriends cause the wife to consider divorce when she never would have on her own. It’s so sad.

      1. Sarah,
        We do sometimes take the advice of other women much more seriously than our own husbands’ guidance. This is very sad. Thank you for sharing – we must definitely choose our friends and counsel wisely!

    2. Tomorrow – I will be talking about all the reasons I believe are behind this current sad state of affairs.

      It is painful to see where we are spiritually as Christian women as a group today.

      And I agree with you completely that women often seek the advice and leadership of other women OVER their husbands! This should NOT BE! It is so dangerous and destructive to our marriage covenants when we do this. 🙁

      We do need to carefully monitor the influences we are allowing into our lives – and keep our eyes firmly fixed on Christ!

      Thanks for sharing – those are some very important points!

    3. There are a lot of men (husbands) and singles who are just going through the motions, (just like the “holy” women.
      But there are also many men (husbands) and singles who love the Lord deeply, take their leadership and authority God given role very seriously only to be knocked down EVERY time he makes and decision that his godly , holy wife does not “agree” with him. These women only “agree” when they don’t understand , like finances, automobiles…,
      but when they “think” they know, then they believe in their minds they are futher along than their husbands, and willfully voice their opinion against their husbands.
      Even in front of the children.

      Instead of just submitting and seeing what happens, a truly God centered man will learn from his mistakes, and include his wifes’ view more seriously. But there is a time when a husband will weigh his wifes views and
      his views and still take the road that he truly believes
      God is leading him.

      My wife has ridiculed me, called me names, compares me with other Christain husbands, and fasle teacheres and even women! instead of just resting on my decision.
      These wives have no faith themselves, because the
      unviverse rests on their final decision. My wife commented “so you always” have to have the last say”
      Which I don’t “always” have the last say” , but my quesion to her was “so YOU have to always have the last say?”

      What these wives are NOT aware of , is that they are doing Satan work for him, breaking down the order of authority that God has set up, creating divsion in the family , with the children , the world and the church. These wives would rather stick to their positions, even when their entire world is crumbling around them.

      These wives think we Never made a decsion by ourselves! I’ve had to make plenty of decisions by myself, before I met my wife. School, work, jobs,
      where to live, expenses, saving, vacations, church to go to and lastly to marry my wife. I was always praying for the Lords guidence, yes many decisions were not the right one, but I went to the Lord , and asked forgiveness and tried again. Did this in my mind and in the spirit. Only trouble now is when my wife does’nt “agree” with my decision now, she’ll let me know and the children know how sinful I am because I’m not doing what she wants.

      She does’nt realise as she’s accussing me of breaking God’s , law and commandment, at the time (according to her) she breaking at least three of God’s laws and commandments, and thinks nothing of it.

      From a man and husband’s view, wives dont know how easy they have it, submiting to their husbands authority. A God centered husband knows the weights
      his decision , he struggles with it, until in his mind he believes what God is directly him to do. It would be such a awesome blessing to have a wife agreeing, humbly and with full confidence in God and in her husband. The husband will see this, the children will see this , out side family members will see this, fellow Chrisitians will see this. This becomes the culture.
      Hopefully the sons witness this and look for this type of Godly wives for themselves and then know how to lead , daughters witness this and look for Godly men that will lead and will know how to submit

      It would be such a blessing to have my wife’s
      total support and then to see where God would take it.

      1. Jack,
        PS
        In the defense of wives – and we sure do need one!
        Submitting to Jesus when we really don’t know Him well is scary at first.

        Submitting to a sinful human man is REALLY terrifying at first for a woman who has always tried to control things and feels “safe” when she thinks she is in control.

        It is a LONG, LONG process for wives to learn respect and submission. I pray for great mercy and patience for the husbands as they wait on God to work in their wives.

        The more loved and accepted and safe wives feel – the easier submission will be.

        Thank you for your heart for Jesus and your desire to honor and obey God. Please let me know how things go. I can’t wait to hear you describe the first time your wife totally supports your decision and trusts God to lead you through her. I am praying for your marriage!

  2. Women can act very harshly in judgment of others, but often cannot see their own flaws and failings. I was exactly like Emily, doing “good” in my own way and thinking, while in reality, not doing anything that truly served my husband. Respect didn’t enter my mind. We were on the wrong path, he was ready to leave, and I couldn’t figure out why.

    I felt most moved by the gentleman writer saying that the woman who worships with her hands on Sunday isn’t bearable during the week — I think that happens a lot. Some people do go through the motions at church. Others truly do worship with all their being, but once they hit the parking lot Satan leaps in and changes the tune quickly — we have to be on our guard. The Bible tells us so, but many, many people don’t seem to get in gear and realize what really is happening outside the doors of the church.

    Modern woman has given herself a higher calling. Feminism began promoting the idea of equality in a perverse way, opposite to scripture. Girls raised in today’s culture don’t keep their opinions to themselves often enough, they overtly put themselves above others socially and mentally, while spiritually and emotionally they suffer. The more they suffer, the more the social (physical) an mental abilities fight within them.

    We must teach the younger generations, as well as our own and beyond that, to learn to listen, watch and balance the four aspects of our humanity: physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual. They arrive with us at birth, and we develop them, day by day, modeling those around us, and then going into marriage with whatever brand of each we have developed.

    We, as women, need to realize our errors, how we are hurting others, and how we often do not offer a positive example.

    Those of us who have realized our wrongs must speak louder and more often … as often as possible … so that men like the one offering his perspective here, can reap the rewards and share them with his own future wife and family … and create a healthy marriage cycle.

    1. thank you, Amy! That was me, too. I had NO IDEA I wasn’t being respectful or submissive. I thought I was the best, strongest Christian wife ever. I gave myself a huge A+ on my godly wife report card – and meanwhile, I had wounded my husband deeply and he felt incredibly disrespected and controlled. 🙁

      That line from Anonymous brought me to tears – about the women who praise God so intently at church and are very difficult to live with during the week. UGH! Heartbreaking!!!!!!!

      It’s time for us to see our spiritual poverty as the women of God and for God to open our spiritual eyes. It’s time for us to deeply and humbly repent and do things God’s way and set a godly example for the next generation.

      Thank you so much for your comments, Amy!

      1. Amen! Made me cry as well as I’ve lived with the Sunday hands raised for 10 years. And have a wife that can’t give up control. Praying for healings and holier then thou. I know I’m a wretched sinner saved by grace. Continually praying for my wife to read your blog. The love and respect conference on our 10th anniversary was a short lived blessing. But I continue to pray for change and the opportunity to lead my family on the path of pastoring He has spoken to me. It’s frustrating and wearing, but my God is sufficient and will never give me more then I can handle. May God ritchly bless you April in your ministry and bring many wives to see the light you are speaking of.

  3. I agree with this post and the comments as well. In general, men have stayed true to their nature over the generations, but women have (largely) refused to accept their legacy or pass the torch on.

    I grew up watching most adults get divorced and remarried like they were upgrading their car. Nothing good has come from any of it.

    Dads aren’t even involved in the dating and marriage decisions anymore. Maybe that is part of the problem. I pray that my daughter will look to her father for guidance on such an important life decision. Did I look to my Dad? No. lol but I got lucky I guess.

    1. Stephanie,
      I agree – divorce has not brought “peace” or less hatred in many of the cases I have seen. 🙁

      And I think you have a really important point! I need to include that in my post tomorrow – about dads not being involved anymore much at all with a girl getting married and monitoring her virtue and protecting her from danger and giving permission for her to date and marry.

      Thanks so much!

  4. “I believe that his observations here are correct in many cases (not all! Praise God!) and I believe that this is one of the most devastating problems in Christian romantic relationships and marriage today – the loss of respect by women for their men – and the loss of the understanding that the husband is the God-given spiritual authority in marriage.”
    In my opinion, it isn’t a ‘loss’ of respect, it is a refusal to live up to God’s standards, to be obedient to God’s word. Respect isn’t a lost/found issue, it isn’t something our guys need to ‘earn’ it is something that we are required to give to our husbands! And if we aren’t prepared to give it, we really shouldn’t be comtemplating marrying him! Yes, I see that you go on to mention that respect is unconditional…it is so sad that our society seems to think that respect needs to be earned….our culture has no idea!
    April, your ministry is what is so desperately needed in our churches!!!!
    There are too few Godly wives for us to learn from, so we must become those Godly wives!!
    Praise God for your ministry April, may it’s influence spread throughout the churches of this world, God willing!!

    1. Suzi, Thanks for your comments!

      Hmmm.. Maybe I need to reword that. When I said loss of respect… I guess I am referring to the way that women in our culture have lost the concept of respect for men and we don’t even know what it means. I think it was largely lost, very purposely, by feminists in the 60s and 70s

      But, many times, women do seem to show some respect for men before marriage, and then we feel unloved or sinned against and we lose our respect. At first, I don’t think it is usually a conscious thing.

      But you are absolutely right. God commands us to respect no matter what our husbands are doing. So I don’t ever want to make it sound like we are ever justified for disrespect. Maybe there is a more clear way for me to word that. Respect for my husband is all about my relationship with Jesus, not really about my husband.

      That is my prayer, too, Suzi! And I believe God will use us by His power if we are willing! Sent from my iPad

      1. “But, many times, women do seem to show some respect for men before marriage, and then we feel unloved or sinned against and we lose our respect. At first, I don’t think it is usually a conscious thing.”

        I think it might be easier for women to show respect for their men before marriage, because those men have already “earned” their respect by becoming “date-worthy” and “marriage-worthy,” and have already filled them with feelings of love and happiness.

        1. RG,

          It is VASTLY easier before marriage for men to show love and for women to show respect. The thing is, they don’t usually realize that is why their man falls for them! The respect is usually unconscious before marriage. She feels so loved and in love that she responds with respect and admiration. And, yes, I am sure she does some “screening” probably.

          I don’t know if you have read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, but he describes a cycle that he bases on the biblical commands in Ephesians 5 for husbands and wives.

          I can’t make it into the beautiful little diagram here that he does, but:

          His love >> motivates >> her respect >> motivates >> his love (it goes in a cycle)

          In marriage, it is very easy to get on “the crazy cycle” where the wife FEELS unloved and reacts with disrespect. That is a wife’s knee-jerk reaction to feeling unloved. And then when the husband FEELS disrespected, he reacts unlovingly. And the crazy cycle can spin on and on and on – until ONE person decides to stop expecting the other to meet his/her needs and begins meeting their spouse’s needs first.

          The respectful things that men do, often comes across unlovingly to women. The loving things that women do, often come across disrespectfully to men. We are looking at life through two very different perspectives.

          Before marriage, the wife is not nearly so dependent on the husband. Usually she is not relying on him for income, to help her get up during the night with crying, sick children, or sharing chores with him. Once we get married, women’s expectations can get much higher than they even were in dating. And when a man acts like a man, when he doesn’t just automatically know to jump in and do the dishes because he respectfully thinks she has it under control – after all- she didn’t ask for help! > A wife can feel increasingly unloved. She makes assumptions that her husband’s motives are evil because he doesn’t do things, act like, feel like and talk like she does. And she truly believes that he is the same as she is. And if he is the same as she is, then his actions or lack of actions must mean he hates her.

          Marriage brings up so many situations where she does not get her way. She’s exhausted. He’s exhausted. There are great pressures financially or with in-law relationships that just don’t exist before marriage. There is the dailiness of keeping a house running, and chores, and deadlines, and working, and then adding children to the mix brings even more complication and less time for the couple to focus on themselves and more opportunities for disagreements. And when you factor her poor understanding of masculinity, her poor examples growing up of being a godly wife, her total unawareness of the concept of respect, her focus only on her needs for love and feeling loved, and her sky high expectations – the whole thing is often a ticking time bomb.

      2. I would add to that on both sides that when a couple is dating they are playing by their rules most of the time and how they each think a relationship would look and how they should care for each other.

        After the “I do’s” there is a mindset change – at least that’s what I saw and have seen replay over and over. All of a sudden the wife is becoming a wife and has many examples and experiences to play into what she views a wife’s role and experience to be. Often he the same is playing out the role that he has built a husband to based on his experience. Neither probably watched their parents date but they gave years and even decades of subconscious knowledge of what their new role should look like.

        1. Emily, I definitely agree!

          And each family has their own “culture” and expectations of how the husband and wife divide labor and relate. No two families are the same – so expectations going into the marriage are often ASSUMED and not discussed. And then people get offended because the other spouse doesn’t do things “the right way.” But, really, it’s not usually about “right” or “wrong” but just that the spouse does things differently.

          Love your comments!

  5. “Then throw in the tilted playing field that is divorce in this country — churches (and individual Christians) that don’t want to get involved or “take sides” and a legal system that allows (even financially rewards) unilateral unbiblical divorces — and the long-term prospects for Christian young men can be very sobering, if not outright frightening.”

    It’s not just divorce. I need to investigate, but I’ve heard that the Violence Against Women Act allows a woman to define practically anything her husband does that she doesn’t like as “violence.”

    Legally, the way I’ve seen it, in practice wives are on the fast-track to absolute power over their husbands.

    The way I’ve looked at it, we (men) will just have to learn to turn to the Lord to protect us from the things we could potentially suffer from marriage. It’s an opportunity to have faith.

    I’m very happy to see so many women around here who are serious about following the Lord against the grain of the world and show at least a human level of compassion and empathy for their brothers in Christ–Lord knows I have the same struggle to be free of the world’s pollution myself. The conditions that men suffer aren’t our (true) sisters’ fault.

    I struggle to keep my heart in check on this, but I pray that the brothers and sisters can keep themselves from allowing the world’s ways to divide us from brotherly/sisterly love–and we can all serve each other energetically.

  6. I am a wife that is truly struggling in this. This post was very convicting to my heart, but what do I do now? I try so hard to be a godly wife and mother, but mess up so much. I have seen my sin in disrespecting my husband but feel very defeated sometimes in ever changing my habits. I do praise with my hands in the air on Sunday morning while I cry out to God because I feel like such a mess and His grace is so real. I can’t help but thank and praise him. But feel like such a hypocrite when I get home and I lose my temper, I do start yelling. I read my bible often and constantly seek knowledge of how to do better, but I feel like it doesn’t sink in. Like, how do I really “get it” ?
    -overwhelmed

    1. Genessa,

      It is great to hear from you! I can totally relate!

      This is a process — LONG process of sanctification.

      Try searching my home page for
      Idol
      Idolatry
      Control
      Disrespect
      Dying to self
      Waiting becomes Sweet
      The Stages of This Journey

      And, if you haven’t, check out the posts about Spiritual Authority and respect at the top of my home page,

      We can walk this road together. I am always glad to hash through things with you and will do my best to point you to Christ. 🙂

      The first questions to prayerfully consider is – are you cherishing any sin in your heart? Are you holding anything back from Christ? Are you submitted to Him as Lord? What are your fears? What do you believe you must have to be happy?

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      How is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Much love and a HUGE hug!!!
      April

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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