Praying for Your Husband so that God Will Hear
I used to pray earlier in our marriage – A LOT.
Sometimes I would pray for 4 hours at a time multiple times a week. Seriously.
I thought that I could clearly see my husband’s faults and I would pray and pray that God would change him. I would beg God to let us pray together as a couple. I would pray for God to cause my husband to lead spiritually (the way I thought he should, of course!). That is CLEARLY God’s will, right?
And then when it wouldn’t happen by that night, I would be angry. Literally. No answer in 8 hours? That was unacceptable! I had prayed for God’s will. I was dumbfounded.
Why on earth wasn’t I seeing answers to my prayers?
1. I CHERISHED SIN IN MY HEART – A LOT OF SIN
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened. Psalm 66:18
Unfortunately:
- I got hung up on being resentful.
- I was awful at forgiveness.
- I had let a root of bitterness grow into a full-fledged evil tree in my life.
- I was rebellious against God’s Word – to forgive, to not be bitter, to submit to my husband, to respect my husband…
- I was committing idolatry (wanting MY way, wanting to be in control, wanting to feel loved, expecting my husband to be Christ to me).
- I was overflowing with pride.
I didn’t just have a 2X4 in my eye, I had a FOREST. 
I needed Jesus and His blood and forgiveness infinitely more than I had ever previously imagined! Turns out that I am a wretched sinner in total desperation for Christ! I really didn’t “get it” before!
2. I WOULDN’T FORGIVE, I CHERISHED RESENTMENT MORE THAN INTIMACY WITH CHRIST
Unforgiveness is a really big deal to God. He counts it as a major sin.
If you forgive men when they sin against you,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins,
your father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15
3. I DID NOT HAVE PROPER RESPECT FOR GOD AND THE GOD-GIVEN AUTHORITY OF MY HUSBAND
I really believed in my heart that I knew better than my husband. And I lived as if I knew better than God, too, because I did not respect my husband’s God given spiritual authority over me and when I prayed to God about my husband.
I was disrespectful about my husband to God. I was trying to control God, too! I was demanding and disrespectful to God, Himself. I thought if I prayed hard enough and long enough, God would do what I wanted Him to do. Wrong!
As soon as God showed me my sin of disrespect and pride, I quit focusing on trying to change my husband and trying to control everyone around me and God and began focusing on all that God wanted to change in ME! It turns out, there was more than enough sin in my own life to keep me VERY busy for a long, long time – despite my long-held beliefs that I was nearly perfect, always right, and knew better than everyone else what needed to be done in any given situation.
4. I WAS EXTREMELY PRIDEFUL
God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
God opposed me before. My arrogance and pride was sky high. I don’t know if pride is measurable, but, if it was, surely I was getting close to the limit of what is humanly possible.
I prayed with a spirit of judgment and criticism and condemnation against my husband. I was just like the Pharisees. I looked down on my husband instead of praying with humility and seeing the depths of my own sin clearly and seeing how much Jesus has forgiven me.
Now – I know God hears me.
And even more importantly – He allows me to hear HIM!
Many of the things I was praying for years ago were God’s will. I still pray a lot of the same things now that I used to. But now – I see prayers answered every day! Not all of them have been answered yet – and that is ok – but most have.
Now, I trust God’s timing and His sovereignty to do what is best for me, my husband and His glory. Now – I see miracles happening and mountains being moved. Now I see the power of God unleashed and working in me and my husband! And it is AWESOME!
The difference is that now – GOD has changed me by His power working in me to be:
- PATIENT - If I have to wait until I am 80 years old and things don’t change until then, I am ok with that. I wait on God’s timing and trust His wisdom and timing are much better than my own. I used to be one of the most impatient people EVER. But I have learned that when you wait on God – there will be a lot of waiting. The waiting on His timing is important, and He has plenty for me to do and learn in the meantime. So, I wait – and I praise Him and serve Him while I wait.
- HUMBLE - I totally get that I do NOT know better than God and that I very likely do NOT know better than my husband. My own wisdom is foolishness, and God’s wisdom is wise. I do NOT know best!!!!!!!! I am open to the idea that God will use my husband to lead me even when I don’t agree and can’t understand. I don’t insist on my own way. I don’t make demands. I make respectful requests, and I understand the proper chain of authority: God>Christ>my husband>me. I don’t try to go around my husband’s authority to get what I want from God if my husband won’t give me what I desire like I used to. I know that my husband can’t keep me from God’s will if I am obeying and trusting God. And I also know that if I am rebelling against God’s commands for me as a wife, I can’t be in God’s will!
- RESPECTFUL - I understand that God put my husband in spiritual authority over me. I trust God to use my husband to lead me and guide me. I respect the position of “husband” as the leadership position in our marriage (ordained by God in Ephesians 5:22-33) and yield to his leadership willingly and cheerfully. I know that I cannot be disrespectful of God’s agent of spiritual authority over my life and receive God’s blessings on my marriage. I trust that God can and will use my husband to accomplish His will – whether my husband is close to God or not. I thank God for my husband’s authority over me to protect me and care for me and I thank my husband frequently for his leadership and authority over me. I began thanking him for being the leader and authority in our marriage WAY before he began to lead. I stepped down and waited as long as it took for him to be able to take the helm. I didn’t rush him. I didn’t take over when he didn’t move. I waited. A LOT. And I waited patiently and cheerfully with great faith in God and in my husband. One thing I did early on in this process was read I Corinthians 11, and began covering my head out of respect for my husband’s authority over me when I pray. It’s not popular today to do this, I totally get that. But it reminds me to have the proper respectful attitude towards my husband’s authority over me and towards God – and I need that! I need all the help I can get with having a respectful attitude towards my husband and towards God. I believe God honors our obedience even when no one else seems to be obeying Him.
- STILL - I don’t try to make things happen the way I think they should anymore. I don’t insist on my way. If my husband makes a decision I disagree with, I tell him my position respectfully. I tell him my feelings. I pray about it. And I accept it and wait with great anticipation to see what God will do. I am not panicking and freaking out and trying to force things to happen the way I think they should. God has given me a calm, peaceful, still spirit. It is AMAZING!!!!! I LOVE the power of His Spirit working in me and would do ANYTHING to have Him filling me up!!!
- GRATEFUL - I thank God for everything I can think of! I thank my husband for everything I can think of, too! Every day. All day long.
- JOYFUL - I love God with my whole heart! Obeying His Word has given me the most joy I have ever experienced in my life! I didn’t have joy when I was being disobedient to God’s commands for wives. I look to Him for my strength, purpose and joy now – not my husband or my marriage.
- PEACEFUL - I truly live in God’s peace daily now. This is all His power and His Spirit at work, it’s not something I can do on my own. I trust God. I trust my husband. I trust God to work through my husband even when my husband makes mistakes. The pressure is off. I rest in the love of God and the love of my husband. I know that I am not in charge, and it is a HUGE weight off of my shoulders! I am not stressed anymore! I am not worried anymore! I am not lonely or despairing anymore. THANK YOU, LORD! I praise You for what You have done in my life! SO many miracles! I can never repay You, Jesus!
- OBEDIENT - I desire to obey God in EVERYTHING. I have a willing spirit to obey Him and please Him. And I am cooperative with my husband’s leadership. I don’t rebel against his ideas or direction. I do know that if my husband asked me to do something that went against God’s Word, I would have to respectfully stand up to him and refuse to follow him. But so far, that hasn’t been an issue.
- FULL OF PRAISE - I praise my husband. I praise God. I sing in my heart happily all day every day. Just like God inhabits the praises of His people, I believe that husbands inhabit the praises of their wives.
- SURRENDERED TO THE LORDSHIP OF CHRIST - I constantly check my heart and soul for any idols, and ask God to convict me – because I know that I can be so blind to sin. I ask God to show me anything I am putting above my love and devotion for Christ. I am ready to tear anything out that is in that holy place that belongs to Him alone. It has to go – without mercy – even good things cannot be in that place. I MUST seek Jesus first WAY above everything else. I lay down my own desires, my will, my wisdom, my purposes, my plans and my dreams and seek God’s will, His wisdom, His desires, His glory and His purposes.
WHAT INCREDIBLE CHANGES GOD HAS MADE IN ME! I AM IN TOTAL AWE!
When God changes our hearts and we take off the old sinful self and put on the new woman we are in Christ – and are full of His Spirit and power – WOW! THEN, we want to pray for God’s will, not our own.
And God purifies our motives. It’s SO easy to have double motives or impure motives.
Motives matter to God!
I must do the right thing for the right reasons to honor my Lord. When my heart and motives are pure in His sight, and His Spirit is filling my life to overflowing, He hears and I can rest assured that He will answer my prayers for His glory and to accomplish His purposes in His timing. There is no better place to be in all the world!
Lord,
I pray that other wives might find this freedom to live in Your peace and joy, too! I pray that You might break the shackles of resentment, un-forgiveness, pride, idolatry, rebellion and anything that offends Your holiness. I pray that we as wives might repent and seek You with our whole hearts!
I pray that we might learn to respect the leadership and authority of Jesus first and then also that we might learn to respect the God-given authority of our husbands. Let us taste and see how good You are! I pray that each precious wife who reads this might live in a spirit of humility, repentance, reverence and patience in Your presence and that they might see Your power at work in their marriages, too, for Your great glory! I pray for Your will to be done – not our own. We trust You with the outcomes – but we lay ourselves at Your feet and long only to know You and to obey You.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen!
This may seem a bit off topic, but I heard a saying recently that “most women now want to be married, but they don’t want to be wives.” I was wondering how true you think that is, and in what ways it may or may not be true.
Thanks.
Jeff,
Thanks for the comment!
I think that is a pretty interesting statement. And I think it may be true on many levels.
One of the biggest problems I am seeing with our culture is that even women who don’t proclaim themselves to be “feminists” have been so immersed in feminist thinking for so long that we are all affected. Even men are affected by those messages that:
- women and men are the same – not just equal in value – but the same.
- marriage should be 50/50
- women should find fulfillment outside the home
- motherhood and being at home all the time is oppressive
- men are inept, lazy and stupid, women are much smarter and need to be in charge
- marriage is disposable
- no one has to respect any authority anymore. There is no such thing as God-given authority
We have all been impacted by the messages of our culture on a daily basis. I know that I would NEVER have EVER called myself a feminist, but I unquestioningly accepted many of the tenets of feminism without even realizing it.
For instance – the concept of respecting God-given authority has almost been completely erased from the collective culture of people under 50. Feminism questioned the authority of the Bible and the existence of God and set about to destroy anything that was part of God’s authority structure in society and in the family. And they have done a pretty great job at achieving their goals.
Today, most women have NO idea that men need respect in marriage. And even if they did figure that out – most women have NO CONCEPT of what respect would mean to a man. They haven’t seen it modeled in their families. Most women grew up with domineering and controlling mothers. Or they are the product of divorce. Most women don’t have the concept of biblical submission on their radar screens at all. They grow up thinking that they know best, that they should be in charge of their own lives, that they have rights, that they are going to get their way, that they deserve to be loved all the time even when they are unlovable – BUT – they have been taught that love should be unconditional, but respect should be earned. So there is no concept of unconditional respect – even often in Christian circles.
Being a godly wife involves things that most women, even believers, are not at all prepared for:
- humility
- total submission to Christ as Lord
- a willing heart to obey God’s Word no matter what the world says
- faith in God and a well-developed understanding of His sovereignty – that He is able to lead me through my sinful husband.
- giving respect to God-given authority (that should have been learned with our dads at home growing up – many of us didn’t learn this)>
- submitting to God-given authority even when we disagree (unless we are being asked to sin).
Does that answer your question?
Thanks! Great question!
“I didn’t just have a 2×4 in my eye. I had a forest.” WOW!!! We are definitely sister in the Lord!!! I praise God for the “forest fires” that He allowed through the year in the way of pain and suffering that have worked to soften the ground of my hardened heart… I had an entire wild forrest…everything that was growing was the opposite of what should have been in the heart if a believer…The more I look back the more I praise God for his goodness and grace towards me!!!!!
Joyfullysubmitted,
It’s humbling, isn’t it? I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you this year! I’m so glad you enjoyed your family and slowed down over Christmas. Looking forward to learning together at the feet of Jesus in 2013!
This is my first time on this blog and I was blessed just by reading this title. I am currently in a crazy similar situation and just started to take the focus off of my husband and focus on me. I was ready to let bitterness set up a home in my heart and this just encouraged me to continue to move in the right direction. thank you for your honesty about yourself, you can’t understand how much this has opened my eyes.
Chill Mode,
I am so glad to meet you!
With a humble and teachable attitude like that – I know that you will be able to start learning pretty quickly!
I am so glad to hear God has opened your eyes!
If you haven’t already, you may want to check out this post about how to get started. But there are MANY posts that will be helpful. If you want to, you can scroll through the blog timeline at the top of my home page and read as you have time.
Two of the posts I would start with are at the top of my home page:
“Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to THem”
“101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband.”
You may also want to check out my “About” page to see how God has changed me dramatically.
I am here and glad to hear from you anytime!
Let me know if you have questions or concerns or encouragement or prayer!
Much love, my dear sister!
Wow! This post is JUST what i needed! May God bless you for availing yourself to be used of him to open the eye’s of us women.
I am currently where you where before with FORESTS in my eye’s but i am ready to submit my will to GOD now.
I have been struggling with submitting to my husbands authority because of him not being saved yet. I have harbored bitterness, anger, resentment and regret in my heart for years now because i blamed my husband for everything that was going wrong and like you i prayed prideful prayers many times asking God to change HIM as i was already ‘perfect’ in my own eye’s.
I know i cannot do it without our Lords grace but i believe he has led me to this blog to begin a great and awesome change in my spiritual and marital life.
At this very moment i have been keeping malice with my dear husband for two days now and oh how convicted i feel realising how that STINKS before God.
Please pray for me sister!
Of course I will pray for you, Tonya! I can ask my prayer team to pray for you, too if you would like. You may want to check out the post from 1-1-13, it is a good place to start, and the two posts at the top of my home page, one is Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to them and one is 101 Wyas to Show Respect to Your Husband. There are MANY posts here that will be helpful. But I am also here and glad to do my best to answer questions and point you to Christ and God’s Word. You may email me anytime at thepeacefulwife@gmail.com.
You may also like my Youtube channel April Cassidy – I have a lot of short videos about various topics on marriage, submission, respect, apologizing for your disrespect, etc.
I am thrilled to meet you and ecstatic about what God has in store for you!