What does our marriage look like now—12 years after God opened my eyes to all the ways I had been hurting my husband?
Today our marriage is very different from what it was 12 years ago. Back then, Greg didn’t want to be around me. He didn’t want to touch me or talk with me. He had a huge wall around his heart and was shut down emotionally and spiritually.
My Big Decision in December 2008
I decided to do things God’s way no matter if it made sense to me, no matter how long it took, or what the results would be. I decided I wanted to become the wife and woman God called me to be.
I spent about 3 years studying over 30 books, reading my Bible, and journalling for 3-5 hours per day (7 days per week) begging God to change me. To show me what it meant to respect and honor my husband. To teach me what it meant to follow his leadership the way the Bible described.
I invited God to completely change my heart and mind. Get rid of anything that was not of Him. Replace it all with His love, healing, truth, and goodness.
I did not have a guarantee that my husband would change. The guarantee I had was that God would change me as I trusted Him and yielded to His Lordship.
Our Marriage in 2021
Here’s a little snapshot of how things are now. All glory to God!
Cuddles and attraction are WAY up!
We have the affection and physical connection I had always wanted. Greg feels safe with me. We do a lot of smiling, talking, and laughing. Almost every night, we cuddle and relax together for about an hour or so.
The massive wall between us is gone, replaced by healthy oneness.
There is no wall or tension between us. I know I can share my concerns, ideas, needs, and suggestions with him and that he will listen and care.
He can care a lot more about my feelings and wellbeing now that I am not trying to control or hurt him.
He knows I treat him with honor and respect and he treats me like a queen.
I “get” and appreciate Greg’s style of love.
Greg is not a big words guy. He doesn’t give compliments or write long love letters or spend hours talking about our relationship. He is more of an acts of service guy.
So he fixes anything that breaks in the house as a way to love me. He does home renovation and handyman projects. He has handled all of the finances since I handed them over to him about 11 years ago and does a great job.
Greg does almost all the grocery shopping (since around the time COVID started). He also orders anything I need online. He often does laundry. And since I have gone back to work at the office about 6 weeks ago, he often has supper cooking when I get home.
He also helps the kids with math homework, which is a huge blessing to me! He likes to drive when we are together. He takes us to church and often plans our vacations.
Smiles and mutual discussions have replaced fighting and tension.
We don’t argue or fight. Our home has a peaceful, relaxed, joyful atmosphere. We have discussions where we each share our thoughts about a decision. We talk through the good and the bad sides of the different options. Then I give him time to process and think and I don’t pressure him.
Then he comes to me with his perspective and wisdom that I wouldn’t have thought of. Often, I end up agreeing with what he thinks is best. We usually agree on decisions.
But if we don’t, we both know that I will trust him to make the final call and I will pray for God to give Greg wisdom and to lead us through Greg.
This means he feels the weight of making sure to do what is best for us in the eyes of God. And he doesn’t want to disappoint me, so he seeks to be selfless and responsible and do what is right.
Greg has grown by leaps and bounds as a leader.
Greg tends to lead very subtly and gently. He doesn’t usually give directives. He often gives suggestions. He doesn’t have a big extensive 5-year plan or anything. He takes situations as they come and handles things at that time.
Most of the time, we just talk through things and come to an agreement.
Usually, if we have a decision to make, he can articulate all the reasons why he feels a certain course of action is best. But sometimes, he has a strong gut feeling about something.
If we don’t agree, we both know I will trust him to make the final call and I will cooperate with what he thinks is best.
(He never tries to lead me or our kids into sin. He is in his right mind and not abusive. And he is not breaking our marriage covenant. If those kinds of things were happening, I may not be able to follow his lead but would need to get outside help.)
Now, because I know his heart and understand his perspective and personality so much better, I trust him in these situations, too. Or if we must make a decision quickly and there isn’t time to have a big discussion, I trust him to make the call on what we should do.
Greg is never demanding, overbearing, prideful, or harsh.
Greg is a great dad who is very involved and engaged.
Greg is much more invested as a dad now than he was in 2008. He knows I have his back. So he is free to make the decisions he believes are best for our kids and knows I will support and honor him.
If I disagree or see an issue, I address it with him respectfully in private.
We have devotions and Bible reading times.
Greg often reads devotions with us after supper now in the evenings. And if I am running short on time in the mornings, since I am working in the office again now, he reads the Bible to our daughter on weekdays.
This kind of stuff did not happen in 2008 and before.
He takes great care of me when I am sick or not feeling well.
Greg does anything he can to help me rest and get better. He carries a greater load and gets me anything I need.
Our emotional connection is much stronger.
Before, I treated him like a dog on a short leash—from his perspective. We are now bonded by something much stronger: mutual trust, respect, and love.
I can give Greg space and time to recharge without resentment or bitterness, realizing this is a way I can love and honor him.
Greg loves when I am happy, joyful, peaceful, and content. He doesn’t do absolutely everything I ask of him. And that is fine! In fact, that’s a good thing.
I get my deepest spiritual needs met by Jesus. So I come into the marriage already filled up instead of being needy or clingy. I no longer need constant reassurance of Greg’s love because I understand his love for me is constant and always there whether we are talking a lot or not.
So I rest in his love in confidence, like I rest in God’s love for me.
We act like a team.
We appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We work together as a team, knowing we are united.
Greg uses his strengths every day to make my life (and our kids’ lives) better. He loves for us to all enjoy being together and have fun together.
We both seek to look for the good in life and to focus on the blessings with faith and trust in God now.
And we are both ready to extend grace to each other if the other one stumbles or has a rough time.
We act as a team now, and it is wonderful! Our 27th anniversary is coming up in May. These last few years have been the best of our marriage.
Note: Every couple has their own story.
Please keep in mind, every couple’s story is unique. Everyone has their own journey with the Lord and their own timing. Our job is to seek Christ first and do what He calls us to do as wives, trusting God with the results.
Have you been on the journey to become a peaceful, godly wife? How is it going? Do you need some encouragement?
Would you like to share how things are going now for you?