Ladies, maybe you have been married for a while and you realize that things have gotten to be a bit routine and ho-hum in the physical intimacy department of your marriage.
When you are tired, stressed, and distracted, it can be easy for sex to slide down to the bottom of your priority list.
But your physical oneness with your husband in marriage doesn’t have to suffer. It doesn’t have to be boring or lacking in sparks.
“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
Mark 10:6-9
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Just like the Song of Solomon describes the things the king and his beloved did to nurture their intimacy and oneness, there are absolutely things you can do to help nourish the physical intimacy in your marriage.
NOTE: As you nurture the sexual intimacy in your marriage, you are also nurturing the emotional and spiritual connection and oneness you and your husband share, as well.
They are all connected. We tend to try to separate these types of oneness, but they are interlinked and interdependent on one another.
4 Ways to Increase the Passion in Your Marriage
Remember the wonder
Think back to before you got married. When each touch was new, it was easy to notice the spark and the attraction between you and your man. Back then, you likely didn’t take him, his attention, or his affection for granted.
Remember longing for the day when you would be able to get married and not have to say goodbye every night? Remember the joy you had when you pictured being Mrs. So-and-So and you appreciated the thought of sharing a home together, sharing your lives, and being able to actually live together?
Remember the gloriousness of the thought that you would be able to share your body with this man you loved so much and that you would not have to be ashamed because this was God’s beautiful wedding gift to the two of you to enjoy one another and to enjoy sex together?
We can regain this sense of wonder!
1. Be fully in the moment
I believe one of the biggest reasons we don’t enjoy physical intimacy more, as wives, sometimes, is that we are often way too much in our thoughts about all that happened that day or about all the worries about the future.
It is really difficult to enjoy a priceless moment of physical affection or intimacy when your mind is far away.
Think about the wonderful guy he is. Think about his strengths. Focus your mind on how handsome he is and how strong his muscles are. Ignore any imperfections and just really hone in on the things that attracted you to him, to begin with.
What makes sex so intense and passionate is when we leave all the thoughts of everything else at the door and we allow ourselves to focus and concentrate just on this sweet moment.
2. Use all of your senses
When we are living fully in the moment, we are aware of our senses: touch, taste, hearing, seeing, and yes, even smelling what is right there with us.
TOUCH
Let yourself be aware of each touch. Pay attention to where he puts his hands. Let yourself enjoy touching him, too. Focus on the differences between you, that is the source of the most attraction.
When you consciously think about what he is doing and what you are doing and how your skin is touching, the experience is greatly enhanced.
TASTE
Think about what his kiss tastes like. Yes, brush your teeth and use mouth wash ahead of time, if needed. Then just savor him, the way you used to long ago. Remember what it was like before you kissed him. Remember what it was like when this was all brand new.
It can feel that way again as you think about what an honor and gift it is to get to share this experience together. All you have to do is adjust your perspective and focus on appreciating what you have now in this new time.
HEAR
Listen to anything he says during this time. Listen to special music together. Be open to his voice.
SEE
Instead of always being in darkness or keeping your eyes closed, be willing to open your eyes. Consider turning on a soft lamp. Watch the way he looks at you. Watch his hands. Look at the way he moves.
If you haven’t been watching the way he looks at you, you may be missing out on something very special.
SMELL
A shower or bath can be a great idea here, or your favorite cologne or even scented candles can make a big impact, too. Try to make everything pleasant so that you can enjoy each other with all of your senses without feeling like you need to hold back.
3. Describe your thoughts and experiences
If you don’t usually speak during sex, consider trying it. This can really kick things up to a whole new level when you do some of these 4 things:
- Whisper the positive things you are feeling during the experience to him. Give him a little window into your perspective.
- Whisper occasional questions to him about what he is feeling if he is open to that, but if he doesn’t want to talk, that is okay, too.
- Share any desires you may have with him, things you would like him to do or things you would like to do for him.
- Invite him to share his desires with you—things he would like to do for you or things he would like you to do for him.
Using words during physical intimacy dramatically increases the emotional and physical connection for many couples. And, this can often increase your sense of spiritual oneness, as well. But it means being friendly and sweet, never pushy.
If it feels too awkward to talk about things in the moment, consider talking about it beforehand or at a more neutral, but private, time. You may be amazed what you discover about your husband and about yourself.
If you’re not ready for talking yet, start with the other areas first.
It is impossible to separate the spiritual from the holiness and goodness of the marriage bed. The entire one flesh act is a picture of the spiritual oneness between Christ and His church. It is a concrete picture of the spiritual unity the Lord desires to have exclusively with His people. (Eph. 5:25-33
4. Be responsive to him
When everything is new in marriage, you automatically tend to respond to each touch and word your husband shares with you during intimacy. You may have to consciously think about doing that, but as you do, the level of connection and enjoyment goes way up for both of you.
There is nothing most husbands desire more than to see that their wives enjoy them during times of physical intimacy. And as you respond to his touch and his words, your mind and body will be much more engaged and you will both savor the experience exponentially more than if you just lie there.
When he touches you, melt into him. When he draws you close to him, snuggle up against him. When he does something that feels good let him see from your movements, your facial expressions, your words or even just little sounds you make that you enjoy what he is doing.
Welcome him into your “vineyard.” Smile at him. Enjoy him enjoying being with you.
I believe that Christian marriages can have the best love lives on the planet. God gives us so much wisdom about this topic and tools to help us “get rid of the little foxes” that would try to “ruin the vineyard.”
Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
Song of Solomon 2:15
In my next post I will share 10 Intimacy Killers. Stay tuned! <3
Related
Let’s Talk about Sex – I have many posts on almost every imaginable issue about sex that a Christian wife might experience linked to this post.
There are posts linked here about:
- Your husband doesn’t desire sex as much as you do.
- When marriage is sexless.
- You don’t want sex as much as your husband does.
- The connection between your respect/admiration for your husband, your attraction for him, and his attraction for you.
- Dealing with impotence.
- Measuring sexual intimacy and frequency and idolizing it.
- Body image issues.
- The devastation of pornography.
- And many more topics!
Additional Resources:
3 Secrets to Building Real-Life Romance in Your Marriage
Intended for Pleasure – by Dr. Ed Wheat MD and Gaye Wheat
The Peaceful Wife – my first book has a lot of information on increasing intimacy and how to use genuine respect for your husband to bless your sex life in marriage. When you learn what it means to respect your husband, you have a fairly cooperative spirit, and he knows you believe in him, that goes a long way to igniting a lot of sparks, as well!
The Song of Solomon/Song of Songs
The Forgiven Wife – a Christian wife who purposely withheld sex from her husband for twenty years and who repented and whose marital intimacy was restored.
“Unlock Your Libido” Book Review
Posts about Sex at www.gotquestions.org
Family, Marriage, Sex, and the Gospel by David Platt
HELP FOR PORN ADDICTIONS
Covenant Eyes (affiliate link)—resource and tools to help men, women, and children prevent or overcome porn use
COMMENTS
Let’s reserve the comments for ladies only and keep them rated G, please.
Thanks! Y’all are the best! <3
NOTE
If it is not safe for you to enjoy intimacy with your husband because are in a very difficult marriage with abuse, active adultery, uncontrolled mental health issues, drug/alcohol addictions, serious unrepentant sin, or other extreme problems, please reach out for experienced, trusted help in your area.
If you are dealing with a husband who has a porn addiction and that is causing you a lot of pain, please check out the resources for wives at www.xxxchurch.org.
This was good. I felt myself cringing at some of it which says a lot about me and my body image (lights on, talking, etc). It gave me a lot to think about though, and it was timely. Thanks for this. I look forward to what you said would be the next blog post topic as well.
Amber W,
If some of it feels too scary right now, that’s okay. You can start smaller with some of the other ideas and eventually may be able to work your way up.
I hope the ideas might be a blessing. I’m excited to share the next post, as well. There are some things we often don’t think about that can put quite a damper on the oneness in our marriages.
Much love in Christ! May God richly bless your walk with Him and your marriage for His glory. <3
Thanks April <3 God bless.
Amber W,
You are most welcome! <3
Intimacy is so hard with grown children living at home. I love that they are still here but i am so conscious of making noise or just not having complete privacy. It robs me of all romantic feeling and desire
Lynn S,
Having other people nearby in the house can definitely cause a wife, especially, to feel self-conscious and rather inhibited.
I believe there are things you can do to help yourself feel more comfortable and to allow yourself to enjoy intimacy with your husband. Many married couples throughout the history of the world have had to deal with this issue. In some cultures, the whole family sleeps in the same room. That would be really tricky!
You will have to be a lot more quiet if other people are in the house, too, than you might be otherwise. But this situation doesn’t have to rob you of intimacy with your husband. I promise!
Here are some ideas (some are free and others are more costly):
1. Create more distance
– Get the kids out of the house – This would be easier if it were not during a quarantine time. But you could announce that every Thursday evening it is time for them to go out and spend time with friends or with each other for 2 hours and you can set the time.
– Take your husband to a room far away from the kids’ bedrooms that has a lock, like a finished room over the garage, or the basement, or another room in the house that can provide privacy.
– Add on a new master suite to your home in an area far away from the kids’ bedrooms.
– Build a new multi-generational home for all of you to live in that provides more sound-proofing and privacy.
– Invest in a small guest cottage in the backyard.
– Get a hot tub for the backyard.
– When the quarantine is lifted, invest in a local hotel room or romantic cottage getaway once a month to once a quarter.
2. Add sound-proofing
– Get a platform bed with a foam mattress because they generally won’t make any noise.
– Brace your regular bed to prevent creaking.
– Install sound-proof panels in your bedroom.
– Increase the amount of insulation in the walls between your bedroom and the other rooms.
– It is possible to minimize your own sounds, as well, when necessary.
3. Increase the ambient noise level
– Use the TV or music or white noise.
– Encourage the kids to use ceiling fans, music, or white noise.
– If you have space in your bathroom and a loud bathroom fan, that could work, and you could even run the shower or tub for additional sound.
– Use a large attic fan during the summer. Those things are crazy loud.
4. Work around the kids’ sleep schedules
– If your kids are sound sleepers, waiting until a certain time at night may help, or getting up early in the morning may be a good time.
Talk with your husband about his ideas. This is entirely doable!!!
And thank you so much for your comment. I think I may share some of these ideas as a post on this important topic soon. <3
I agree that our thoughts play a huge role in our sex lives. It is virtually impossible to be turned on when our thoughts about our husbands are negative. It is an actual turn off to sit around thinking about the negative aspects of our husbands, and we are completely responsible to keep our thoughts of them on a path that leads to even greater intimacy.
jeannieremyministries,
Yes! Exactly! What we think about is just about the most important part of intimacy of any kind. If we allow ourselves to think about negative things, we will shut down to desiring any kind of connection. But as we think about the good things and focus on their strengths and the good things our husbands do for us, it is amazing what a difference it can make.
Thanks so much for sharing!