Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
I am so thankful to this precious sister in Christ who has allowed me to share some of what God has been doing in her life and heart. It’s a blessing to get to hear from wives in every stage of this journey. Perhaps you may want to join her with this amazing idea? In fact, this would be a WONDERFUL Valentine’s gift to your husband!
Remember – the goal is not to change to get your husband to change, but to allow God to transform you! Check out this wife’s journal and observations for the first 10 days or so of her journey:
I have been reading your blog posts and realizing some things. I actually have even started a corporate fast (for 21 days) with my church but instead of food…
I have decided to fast from the following:
It has been 3 days of doing none of this to my husband and it has been HARD but I told myself if I mess up the fast I do not get my morning coffee (which is my favorite and the first thing I thought to fast). None-the-less I actually already notice a change in him a bit. His demeanor has actually been quite different like even after just a few days of this. I do have to say I am shocked. I always realize probably 80% of the things I say to my husband involve the above. But I think I am on the right track?
Sometimes I feel so empowered and close to God and then other times I feel like so low and dumb like why do I have to change and he doesn’t but I understand fully that is not the right mindset. It’s just hard.
My husband is cuddling me a lot more lately though.
He is still sleeping now at noon (after staying out very late with friends – again). I am with my coffee and Bible and praying for God to get me through today. I know I can’t continue mothering him. I know he has to make his own choices. It just hurts. To him, it is no big deal at all. He works 50+ hours a week and provides well.
I can tell you this much. I am not even going to bring up the fact he came home late. I’ve done it a million times in the past and where did it get me? Nowhere!
Time to try something new.
This will be so hard and I will want to be sarcastic! In the past I’ve even taken stabs at his manhood bc he has chose staying out late with guys over his wife, what kinda man does that? I’d say… “a gay guy?” I’m sure that didn’t help. I really can be so mean to him but it’s because things hurt me.
Even though I am upset, I am determined to stick with this fast.
I want change in my heart and my husband’s, so I know something has to change. Maybe when he realizes I no longer bring it up and nag and complain he may actually be able to hear God say it’s wrong? Or hear his own thoughts on things? Like you were saying.
I began reading “The Surrendered Wife,” by Laura Doyle and gave the finances over to my husband as she instructed. (From Peaceful Wife – this book helped me in so many ways in my own journey, but there are some things that are not biblical that have to be filtered out.)
He didn’t take it well. I mean he didn’t say much but just, “Ok,” and ended up leaving without telling me bye. When I called him he just said he was a little confused and that he would talk to me about it later when he got home.
- I control everything.
- I monitor what he does and spends.
- It creates that mother/son type relationship I hate.
- I thought he’d be happy to give all that up but I’m thinking he probably just is looking at it like he now has more work.
Laura instructs to just simply say, “I know you’ll fine time, you’ll do much better than me,” and leave it at that but now I feel like I should explain to him since he seemed upset.
LATER THAT DAY
After he came home I continued to be my “new” self and he didn’t ask about it. He took me on a date and never brought it up. I just kept practicing receiving and being sweet. On the way home he did tell me a whole long story about why he spent so much money yesterday helping a friend. ???? He probably thinks I was mad about that and decided to give him all the financial burden as a punishment. I do things like that. But I just said, “Oh, that was nice of you!”
Idk, I actually feel very far from my husband right now. It’s almost like he has a wall up. He may feel very confused or that I am very different but I thought it would draw him towards me but he seems very distant.
Some things I am praying for as I fast:
- Radical change for me. Extreme peace in my heart, that come only from the Lord, relinquishing control and idolatry of my husband. Being peaceful and fun and not uptight, worried, mad, and stressed all the time.
- Radical change in my husband. His walk with the Lord and how he hears him, radical change in how he sees and handles finances.
- Passion and intimacy to be restored in our marriage.
I actually, right now, feel far from my husband but close with the Lord.
It’s interesting. I feel a peace from God since I haven’t been controlling. I thought it would be a lot harder, and maybe it will be at times, but I am a goal setter and I set out to not complain, criticize, judge, or be sarcastic for 21 days and I’m sticking to it. Throw in releasing control and being feminine and I think my husband is very confused.
I wish I could just tell him what’s going on and ease his mind to try to draw him close to me. Because right now is almost seems I know something he doesn’t and we feel distant but I know that’s probably not the best.
I’ve been reading your posts and the 8 Powerful Keys to Peace have been amazing to learn. Will be reading more today as I spend my quiet time with God!
I know this will be a hard road. And won’t always be easy. I got to this point where I realized I was upset I even married my husband and was trying to almost justify a divorce. And I realized that was so wrong and unnecessary and I was willing to change if that’s what God wanted. I am ashamed I thought that way. Especially after being able to, for the first time in a long time, see glimpses of what a good man my husband is and can be. (And I do mean only mere glimpses) but still they are there. And I’m taking this as God opening my eyes. And changing what I see.
I am really desiring intimacy, and even though I’m changing and being much better, it’s just still not there. But I am trying to remember, like you said, it’s been years of disrespect so he may not come around (quickly).
Also, this is strange, but as I’ve been spending more time with God on this subject of me as a wife it’s almost as if all these past incidents are being brought my mind, times when, at the time I saw myself as completely justified and mistreated and now I’m seeing myself as an ugly beast. Ways I’ve treated my husband in the past, and hateful things I’ve said.
Gosh, this is so embarrassing and I feel deeply like I want to cry and repent to him but I’m afraid to do because I’m not even sure myself if I’ve changed 100% and I don’t want to risk saying sorry and then doing something so disrespectful and harming again.
I feel as if I’ve truly harmed my marriage. And destroyed intimacy.
I haven’t apologized yet! I am just sticking to my fast and trying to hear from the Lord.
My husband has been in our bedroom all night with the door closed playing video games. I do know he had a hard day at work. He works outside and was very cold today. I had a homemade dinner waiting for him.
Before he went up to play he:
- Hugged me and kissed me and squeezed me.
- Fixed up the TV for me so I could watch a show I wanted to watch.
- And smiled at me.
I was super thankful!
That’s great and I didn’t complain about him saying he was going to go play for a little but I feel myself feeling all that aggression toward him again for choosing things over me. For not pursuing me sexually or wanting to spend time with me instead of video games.
10 STEPS BACKWARDS
To be honest, I completely messed up last night. My husband came home and cuddled me for like 2 hours, while he watched a movie. He did cuddle me, but I didn’t go for it. The whole time all I was thinking was I just want to get up and do something. I’m so annoyed this is every night he just wants to sit here and watch TV.
Finally, I brought this all up. I told him he’s never romantic. It was like word vomit and after almost 2 weeks of being respectful, I caved. He seemed mortified and told me I don’t want real life. Real life is him coming home from a long day and cuddling me when I want. Candles and flowers – that’s just not real. I get it but every now and then? He said he was sick of always feeling like he’s doing something wrong.
A BIG SURPRISE A FEW DAYS LATER
I decided to not say anything about the night before! Though he slept in, I got up and cleaned, had some Bible time and to be honest really felt some anger brewing in my heart. He hasn’t been seeking God the way I wish he would be. And then seeing him stay up late once again for something silly like video games was getting to me. I didn’t feel like even being near him.
THEN I started a gratitude journal. I wrote down all the things recently he’s done that’s made me happy, proud or impressed me:
- He asked me to pray for his desire to read his bible.
- He fixed our car when it was broke down.
- He recently bought a book about prayer.
- He’s been working so hard at work.
- He’s been taking over the finances better than I ever thought he would!
After this, I felt a desire to go lay with him in bed. His sleepy eyes saw me and the first thing I did was SMILE. He smiled back, and I was so shocked by this but he immediately started kissing me and making love to me.
It had been about 3 weeks.
I think he is attracted to my quietness, my not having an opinion about EVERYTHING. My smile.
I wasn’t even thinking about sex at all and he made it happen! I was taken back but thankful for my time of being thankful because it completely changed my mindset!
(From Peaceful Wife – Our husbands are much more attracted to us when we act soft, gentle, feminine, and peaceful than if we throw verbal knives at them!)
If you would like to share some of your journey and things you have learned along the way, we’d love to hear about it!
Or, if this wife’s story has encouraged you to try something similar, we’d love to hear about your plans, as well.
Note – I will be responding to the comments (Peaceful Wife), not the author. Thanks! <3
The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord (my book that outlines how to start this journey)
Apologizing Stories – why some wives apologize immediately, and some wait until later
Why It May Be Wise to Keep This Journey Secret at First
Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive of Me As I Try to Change?
10 Tips for This Journey to Become a Godly Wife (especially for Type A wives)
Respect, Biblical Submission, and Intimacy – Yes! There is a connection!
Let’s Talk about Sex! (a link to all my posts about sex)
Oh my GOODNESS! This BEAUTIFUL article came at the PERFECT TIME! I started my 21-Day Fast today AND my gratitude journal. In fact, I have already emailed my husband to let him know that I have started a gratitude journal to note the things about him I’m grateful for. Then I asked him if he would like a sample, that I have already thought of four things I’m grateful for and that I loved him. We are going through a severe trial right now. What better time to do this fast and start this journal?!
I’m so glad that this is such a blessing to you. You know what? When we are facing a severe trial – having a thankful heart, avoiding sin, and being full of praises to God is more important than ever!
Praying for God’s greatest glory to come shining through in this trial. It is in the darkest valleys that God often shows us His most abundant “treasure caves” filled with spiritual treasures to help us grow like crazy – if we are open to them.
Amen! Thank you ????.
So many things this woman is sharing in this post reminds me of me. One thing that really helped was Love & Respect, specifically the video series. TY for sharing!
Her post reminds me so much of myself, too! Very relatable. The book, “Love and Respect,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the thing God used to open my eyes 10 years ago when I began this journey, myself. Thanks so much for sharing!
I definitely can relate to so many things. I was especially struck by her experience of having many incidents and words brought mind, and the great shame that followed- I have recently come through the same experience- wow! I have learned through this what grace and mercy it truly is to have God show me my sin, and to forgive it, of course! (first time commenting April, but God has used you, and this blog in a mighty way in my life in the past 6 months, I am so grateful!)
It’s so great to hear from you! I was an EXTREMELY slow learner. And sometimes, still am! I had the same experience when God began to show me all of my sin 10 years ago. It was shocking! I was completely mortified to finally see the depth of my sin and how much I had hurt my husband and the Lord. I wanted to go live in a cave and never talk to anyone ever again, at first!
How I praise God with you for all that He is doing in your life! That is awesome!
End of day one here.
Last night I mentioned to my husband that his son, 23, should save his money to buy a home, and not buy , “boy toys. ” He works full -time and spends his money on video games, drones, and now, a motorcycle…
( His son, who lives with his mother nearby, comes by only about twice a month to spend time with his dad. )
It might be truly wise advice, but my husband snapped.
In my talking with Jesus about it, I realized it wasn’t what I said, but that it was none of my business. It sounded harmless to me and I was kind of confused by his response.
It’s one of the pitfalls of second marriage and dealing with adult children, you didn’t have together.
In some way, I suppose he took it as critisism that I viewed his son as being irresponsible, and therefore he wasn’t a good dad.
I told him I was sorry. That having an investment in a home would be a good thing for a young man in general.
This change in our thinking and talking is going to be different in each our situations, and vastly different personalities.
I am usually very kind and sweet naturally, and so my negative speaking is more of the , ” know- it -all -variety.
My husband is struggling with his own fears and his natural bend towards being critical. I think this fast will help us both. To not have me be his judge and be so self- righteous. I do not want to be a discouraging wife.
We have a good marriage now, but I am excited to watch the Holy Spirit move in this area.
I have decided not to share this fast with him, and see what God does.
It’s a secret mission! So exciting!
Thanks, April for all you do and for taking Greg’s advice to share with other women!
You are awesome!
You learned something important, it sounds like. I think you are right that if we offer unsolicited advice about our husband’s family members, it can be taken as criticism. And I think you are also right that he could have taken your words to mean that you think he is not being a good dad. Or that you don’t approve of his son.
Here is a post about why we want to avoid criticizing our husbands’ parents. But a lot of it would apply in a situation like yours with a husband’s grown son, as well.
Having an investment in a home can be a great thing. But it will be a choice that will be up to his grown son, now. It is more difficult when you are not his son’s biological mother.
I’m so excited about what the Lord is already doing in your life and all that He is about to do! Thank you very much for sharing!
Hi sweet April,
First, this woman’s journey is pretty familiar. The first month was UGLY! I was trying to change and he was confused and we got in fights every weekend, but now things have gotten much better!
Second, my husband has been a believer for about 10 years and waiting for me to get closer to God and he spurred me in the right direction, but I just hadn’t taken the leap yet. I will say that I always believed in God, but I wasn’t a churchgoer or very close to Him (father issues) and through you I realized that I needed to rectify my relationship with God and realize that Jesus is always with me. Basically, I needed to repent my sins and fix my soul, before I could fix my marriage. Boy, that was ugly! But, three months later, I’m much closer to God and feel much better and things are better with our marriage too.
Basically, I just want to say thank you. I was going to send a private email with all the details, but realized that you don’t take them anymore (I understand!), so I thought I’d just leave a semi short comment and let you know that you made a huge difference in my life. I’m eternally grateful to God for leading me here and for you, because you’re helping so many people. Thank you!
With much appreciation, admiration and love,
It is SO wonderful to hear a bit of your story. Praise God for what He has been doing in your life! This is awesome. <3
Thank you very much for sharing. What an incredible answer to my prayers.
Thank you so much for sharing! Beautiful and encouraging.
I’m so glad this was a blessing. <3
Oh wow ,
I love love this . I love her honesty and how she overcame her struggle. It’s so hard to change! I do all of this negative stuff to my husband ( He never does it to me).Things are a little hard for us due to past infidelity and his porn addiction ; but there are things to be greatdul for ❤️.
It’s so great to hear from you! I’m glad this was helpful. I’m praying for you both – for God to work in your hearts to heal you both and that He might be greatly glorified. <3
I am so encouraged by your videos, your honesty, the blog from another woman trying it out! I have felt the same way, I am relating, and am so glad God has made your videos available to me. There’s help and hope. God bless you Miss April!
Jacqueline Elizabeth Steveson,
I’m so glad these things have been a blessing. That is an answer to my prayers! I’m excited to see all the Lord has in store for you. <3
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