Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash
Something our culture today is really great at is – offense. It is almost mind-blowing just how easily offended people are today. And it is sad. Because when we are so easily offended, we also have a lack of unity, relationship, emotional connection, harmony, and teamwork. We also miss out on most of the fun, joy, and blessings in life.
THE TRUTH IS
- Criticizing other people is super easy.
- Looking at myself and my own faults and taking responsibility for changing myself is HARD.
It is human nature to go around blaming others and pointing our fingers at other people in disgust while we believe we are wonderful, good, and virtuous. It takes incredible spiritual maturity to be willing to honestly look at ourselves and our issues. But God calls us to take responsibility for our own lives first. He calls us to remove the “beam” from our own eye so that we can see clearly enough to remove the “speck” from someone else’s eye (Matt. 7:1-5).
How can I tell if I have a “spirit of offense”?
- Am I more concerned about being “right” about everything than anything/anyone else?
- Do I tend to focus on other people’s faults?
- Do I feel it is my job to correct people’s mistakes in many areas of life?
- Do my words tend to be laced with negativity and criticism about situations and people?
- Do I “vent” often to others about things other people did to upset me?
- Do I tend to have a short fuse and/or raise my voice easily?
- Do I believe that it is unacceptable for people to disagree with me?
- Do I feel it is my duty and responsibility to make people change their minds to match my opinions, my convictions, and my beliefs – by verbal force – if necessary?
- Do I verbally attack, insult, or try to humiliate people who think or act differently than I want them to?
- Do I think I truly know best and everyone else would be a lot better off if only they listened to my great wisdom?
- Do I have a hard time forgiving even the smallest slights from others?
- Do I tend to hold onto grudges, resentment, and bitterness?
- Do I tend to have very rigid expectations and be unable to bend or be flexible in relationships?
- Do I tend to be a perfectionist and get upset if things are not exactly the way I think they should be?
- Do I go on an all-out verbal assault on anyone who dares to question or criticize me – assassinating the person’s character and acting like a prosecuting attorney in a criminal trial?
- Do I have difficulty finding sin in my own life and tend to assume I am a “very good person” with few sins in my own life and have no trouble at all finding a lot of sin and wrongdoing in other people’s lives?
- Do I tend to assume the worst possible motives of others?
- Do I have to have the last word in an argument?
- Do I think of myself as morally superior to other people?
- Do I tend to burn a lot of bridges in my relationships and cut people out of my life even if they apologize and try to change?
- Am I much more concerned with voicing my opinion and telling people my thoughts than understanding what other people think or understanding their perspectives?
- Do I tend to find negative things to say about the pastor’s sermon, my boss, my parents, my in-laws, the way my husband helped me with the kids, the way my son took out the trash, etc…?
- Do I always feel it is my responsibility to confront people on anything they say about which I don’t agree, no matter how small the issue may be?
- Do I feel everyone around me owes me an answer for their thoughts, words, decisions, and deeds? Like it is my right to question them?
- Do I give the “cold shoulder” treatment to people often?
- Am I quick to share (gossip) all about the terrible things other people have done to me – to my husband, my family, my coworkers, and others?
- Do I tend to verbally abuse other people who don’t agree with me, insulting them and cutting them down?
- Do I let my emotions have free reign and let my anger have its way when someone ticks me off and not restrain my words if I feel even slightly offended?
- Do I genuinely wish harm on people who don’t do what I want or who disagree with me?
- Do I freak out if people even talk about their religious or political beliefs if they don’t match mine? Like I really don’t think anyone else should get to have free will but me?
If I answer, “yes,” to several, or maybe (*gulp*), ALL of these questions – it’s time to consider that I may have a significant issue with a spirit of offense.
I, personally, had this sin festering uncontrollably in my life for many years. It truly was a painful way for me to live, and it was painful for those around me, too. The fruit of my life was: bitterness, resentment, worry, fear, control, anxiety, depression, frustration, loneliness, lack of emotional intimacy with others, and broken relationships.
Greg actually said to me one time, many years ago, “You LIKE to be miserable. You want to be miserable. You don’t want to be happy.”
I started to argue with him, of course.
But then, I actually stopped and thought about it. I realized that I was pretty negative and I was rather miserable. I don’t think I actually enjoyed misery. But that sure is where I camped out for many years. I didn’t know how to fix it. But maybe, for once back then, I had to acknowledge that Greg was actually right!
(Now I know he has quite a lot of wisdom to share, if I am willing to listen and receive humbly. He can sometimes see my blindspots and help point me toward a better life.)
God’s Word says pride is one of the most deadly sins.
The root of a spirit of offense is – PRIDE. Big time pride.
Pride was the sin of Satan. He wanted to exalt himself to be equal with God and wanted others to worship and follow him instead of God. His temptation to Eve was that if she ate the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, she would “be like God.”
Satan appeals to our pride still, today. His tactics haven’t changed a lick. Satan loves for us to take offense and to think highly of ourselves. He loves to help create division, tension, offense, hatred, bitterness, contention, arguments, jealousy, and resentment. When we participate in these things, we give him authority in our lives to destroy us and to use our lives to help destroy others.
What does God say about pride?
- There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. Prov. 6:16-19
- The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. Prov. 8:13
- Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Prov. 16:18
- One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Prov. 29:23
- “Knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up. 1 Cor. 8:1
The Cure for Pride is Humility.
I must continually humble myself before God and acknowledge that HE is God. I am not. I stop exalting myself above God in my heart and mind. I turn from my pride and embrace that God alone is good and righteous. I am not. I need Jesus and His blood. I have no goodness on my own apart from what Jesus did for me on the cross.
I get off of the throne of my life. I stop demanding that other people look up to me and exalt me. I stop demanding to be exalted by others.
I set God, alone, firmly on the throne of my life. I acknowledge that He, alone, has all wisdom and it is infinitely higher than any human wisdom, including mine. I stop being an enemy of God and I bow my heart and knee to His Lordship in every area of my life.
- “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
- Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 1 Pet. 5:6
I love the quotes from Andrew Murray in his book, “Humility“:
- Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you.
- Here is the path to the higher life: down, lower down! Just as water always seeks and fills the lowest place, so the moment God finds men abased and empty, His glory and power flow in to exalt and to bless.”
- Humility is the displacement of self by the enthronement of God.
The Bible Has Great Wisdom for Us about How to Deal with Offense:
- Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Prov. 19:11
- For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matt. 6:14-15
- Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Rom. 12:19
- Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Eph. 4:26-27
- Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:19-21
- For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:16
- Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Gal. 6:1-3
- And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 2 Tim. 2:24-26
Summing Up
Ultimately, every sin is against God. He will deal with it. He will bring about justice and vengeance for any sin that has not been covered by the blood of Jesus. I can entrust myself to the Lord. I don’t have to make people do things. I don’t have to freak out when people don’t understand me or don’t agree with me. I don’t have to try to control them and change them myself.
This doesn’t mean truth is relative. God’s truth is absolute, according to the Bible. But I don’t have to try force truth – or my opinions – on people. I can share with them if they are open to it and trust God to work in their hearts. I can pray for Him to illuminate their eyes.
I can rest in God’s love and goodness. I can rest in His sovereignty and Lordship. And I can invite Him to work powerfully to change and heal me and to transform others and heal them, too.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever have to address sin or wrong doing in other people’s lives. I absolutely may need to, at times. I may also need to set very clear boundaries, or even remove myself from certain toxic relationships if people refuse to repent and change if they are severely sinning against me. But I can approach other people’s sin God’s way and from a posture of humility, love, honor, and respect – rather than with a judgmental, critical, hateful spirit.
And I must be very much on guard against a spirit of offense in my heart every day and repent if I notice it is starting to creep in.
Prayer of Repentance
Lord,
Expose the depths of sin in our hearts. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom.3:23). Maybe no one has ever confronted us in Your love about our sin. Don’t let us continue to be blind to the great extent of our sin and the massive debt which we owe to You. We all struggle with pride. We all struggle with offense and wanting to be “right.” We are so small – just creatures made of dust. And You are the One true God, King, and Creator of the universe. How dare we exalt ourselves to be equal to You or above You in our hearts and minds?
Our pride offends You. It destroys us. It destroys others around us. It kills our relationships. It creates division and severe damage in our marriages and families. It is an instrument of the enemy. We don’t want to live in pride and a spirit of offense any more! We humble ourselves on our faces before You. We need Your help! We can’t fix ourselves or clean ourselves up. We are a mess without You.
Cleanse us from all of our sin by the powerful blood of Jesus Christ that was shed for us on the cross. We bow humbly before You, acknowledging that You, alone, are worthy to be called, Lord. We are not. We are creatures who are dependent on Your mercy and grace. We have no holiness of our own. Our greatest attempts at righteousness look like bloody, nasty, menstrual rags in Your sight (Isa. 64:6).
Robe us with the holiness and righteousness of Jesus. Transform us and conform us to the image of Christ because that is Your will for us and it is very good (Rom. 8:29) . Purify us and make us clean and radiant in Your sight now and forever!
Help us to grow in humility. Help us to exalt and honor You, alone. Help us to have proper reverence for You in our hearts. Help us to close the door to the enemy and to our flesh and sinful nature. We want to live in the power of Your Spirit from now on and in the power of Jesus’ victory over sin and the grave.
Fill us with love and faith in You. Fill us with Your supernatural love, grace, and mercy for our fellow travelers on this journey. Grant Your beautiful Spirit of unity to our marriages, families, churches, and our nation.
Amen!
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How has God spoken to you on this issue? Do you have any wisdom to share with us?
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Bible Verses about Forgiveness
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Thank you April for this article—this is a stronghold of mine and Gods been ripping this sin out of my life for the last 5+years. It is no fun and the consequences of this sin almost cost me my marriage. Praise God for his grace and mercy! It was a learned habit ingrained in me and God has opened my eyes to it–I actually now see it in my siblings and it is -YUCK! It’s like God has given me a mirror and it humbles me when I see it in them—It still rears its ugly head but I now recognize it a lot quicker-and if I don’t avoid it, I am quick to apologize—Praying for me to drop my defensiveness and “rightness”, which means holding my tongue. Thank you again for this article and pointing us to God’s Word.
Carla,
Yes, this very sin was extremely destructive in my marriage, too, in my life. And I still have to confront it on a daily basis. You know, if you need practice with dealing with the temptation of a spirit of offense, have a Youtube channel with comments open and read them. All of them. I promise you get LOTS of practice right there. Or work in the retail sector. Tons of practice! For free! Ha!
It is a blessing to see other people do this, because it reminds me how ugly it is when I do it.
May God give us His power to see and recognize the temptation as soon as it begins to bow up and may we choose to walk in Jesus’ power and His way and not feed our sinful nature. May we continue to take up our cross and die to self and live in the Spirit, not the flesh.
So thankful that God provides the power and that He continues to refine us and purify us and teach us. This whole sanctification process is a lifelong journey. There is still so much to learn!
You are most welcome. I’m glad it was a blessing.
Much love!
Hi April, Thank you for this article. I can identify with it and identify the points discussed in my own life. One of the things about this issue I found frustrating is that very often at least for me, the issue can be hidden behind a present day genuine hurt, offense or inappropriate action or word on someone else’s part, making it seem as if ” Well, no I don’t have that problem because so and so really DID do or say something hurtful or wrong”. For a long time I just thought I had great discernment and so was not easily moved to consider that perhaps what I thought was eagle eyed keen discernment was really pride, control, judgement, etc. Well I remember God showing me one day that fairly often, hurt feelings are really pride dressed in righteous drag. And how easily sin disguises itself in other form . It rarely shows up and displays itself in its true form.
Recently I came across a Christian counselling site when I was doing a search on the subject of transference. I noted that witchcraft is listed as one of the facets of the flesh and I wondered if there was a relationship between what the psychology crowd calls transference, its ability to control relationships or people and the flesh and witchcraft. While this article doesn’t get into the subject of witchcraft per se, what it has to say about transference and its roots is quite enlightening and relates to what you have written . Here is the link if you are interested 🙂 https://jerichoministry.wordpress.com/transference-a-biblical-perspective/
SevenTimes,
There really are so many thoughts, motives, and attitudes we have to tease out to see clearly. And, of course, we can only really see clearly when we have the Light of God’s Word and the power of His Spirit helping us.
We do need to deal rightly with other people’s sin. We don’t have to take abuse. We do have to set proper boundaries. But we want to do it all with the Spirit and His wisdom and power, avoiding our fleshly reaction.
It can be a full time job hashing through this stuff sometimes!
Thank you for sharing. I don’t think I have heard of transference.
Much love!
April,
Your blog was a big part of my journey in giving my life to Christ! I’ve been so blessed by your posts and vulnerability. It’s the first time I was able to find real answers to the questions I’ve been searching for many years. I have stayed up late with your book, highlighter in hand, crying as you say precious prayers meant just for me. I’ve never felt so cared for by a stranger. Thank you SO much for your ministry! I know there are so many women who are silent observers, like I have been, and although you may never receive that validation from the world, I know God is smiling down upon you and everything you are doing for your sisters in Christ!
I am so new in my Peaceful Wife journey, which means I am stumbling often. I had actually read this post a couple days ago, and then last night I slipped up and my flesh took over. This morning, instead of holding on to my hurt, I headed straight to my journal to work through and repent, with the help of your blog post! If it’s okay, I’d like to share what I wrote with you.
Last night, my husband made a comment asking why I don’t wear a specific type of “sexy” underwear anymore.
Instantly, my feelings fired off with, take a wild guess: Offense! How dare he make a comment that suggests I need to be sexier when I already feel so unloved. I’ve been trying so hard to be a better, selfless “peaceful” wife and I pray every day for the patience required to do so (which I struggle with). Instead of him showing me the love I so desperately crave, he made a comment which was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. (I wanted to hear that I’m perfect the way I am, no matter what type of underwear I wear.) Gosh, seriously? Underwear? I instantly felt so unloved and insecure. I’ve been struggling with my body image lately and now I feel like I just want to hide my body because it’s unsexy to him.
This is where my Peaceful Wife work kicks in. Although the night ended badly (Oh how familiar these nights were before I gave my life to Christ and began this journey), I woke up this morning knowing I had tools to help me through what had happened. Perhaps… My husband did not intend to hurt my feelings and make me feel unloved. He has said repeatedly that he likes my body the way it is. Perhaps his comment wasn’t an indication of his dissatisfaction with me or my body. It’s possible that he still loves me while also expressing his preference on what underwear he finds sexy on me. Just because his definition of sexy doesn’t agree with mine doesn’t mean his opinion is wrong, or that mine is right. My strong emotional reaction is not truth. My emotions do not account for his perspective. I did not react from a place of empathy and strength in my identity, but rather from a place of hurt and fear. My fear is that if my husband doesn’t find my sexy, he doesn’t love me, which is what I desire most (and is also an idol I am trying so hard to surrender).
Instead of shutting down and reacting with bitterness because I feel he should “pay” for how he made me feel (which will push him further away and make what I ultimately desire further out of reach) I can take ownership for my role that I played. My normal reaction would be to stay silent, wait for him to pursue me, and try to get him to understand MY perspective and see how he hurt me so he could apologize. That requires no ownership on my part. My sin in this is my pride. I want my husband to own up to his shortcomings (which are only my perceived shortcomings) which insinuates he is in the wrong and I am not. However I am no better or more righteous than him. I know my intense feelings are going to be a constant struggle as the enemy tries to use them to convict those I love. The cure for pride is humility (as you mentioned in this post ~ Thank you, your words SO helped me work through this!!) I am no better than my husband, therefore I must react with a spirit of allowance, patience, grace and understanding rather than a spirit of bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and anger (all stemmed from fear and a need to control so that I get the outcome I think will make me happy). Perhaps I can *gulp* go out and buy that uncomfortable underwear and wear it just to bless him.
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. – Proverbs 19:11
I can entrust my life with God. I don’t have to freak out when people don’t understand or agree with my feelings. I don’t have to control others or get them to change. I can be quick to forgive and show respect, even I FEEL unloved. Just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean it is so.
Lord,
Help me to live in your strength so that I am able to respond to things not my feelings of the flesh, but with the fruit of your spirit which is patience, grace, humility, respect and love. Help me to purge my sinful nature from pride, offense, anger, bitterness, resentment and fear.
When I fall, which I will do because I am imperfect, please help me to clearly see my sin and quickly repent so that I can stay close to you. I do not desire to live as a slave to fear any longer. In Jesus’ name, help me to walk in your strength and draw near to you, as I know I cannot do this alone.
Amen.
Thanks for this place to share, April. Now I am off to go figure out how to apologize to my husband. Wow, I’m in shock by the fact that I’m even writing this. Who am I? Gosh, I still have so, so much growing to do. This is HARD. Killing off my pride is quite possibly the most humbling, painful experience my SELF has experienced. But what’s even harder is having more nights like last night on repeat with no end in sight.
Thank you for your blog. I love you, sister! So grateful for you. I thank God for you and your blog often.
xo,
Monica
Monica,
WOW!
I can’t begin to tell you what a huge answer it is to my prayers to get to know how God has used all of these posts and the book to bless you. All these things that I had wished someone had taught me in church, but I didn’t ever connect with in church, I want to share these treasures with my sisters. I want to see us have strong faith in the Lord and strong marriages. I want us to have resources that go deep and give us an incredibly firm foundation in God’s Word and in discipleship.
Thank you for sharing!
And then to get to see your example! SO beautiful!
I have to ask this. No pressure at all, but I would SO love to share some or all of this comment anonymously as a post – if you would prayerfully consider allowing me to.
It never gets old – watching God transform and heal people and relationships. My heart is bursting with joy to get to see the beauty of what God is doing in your heart.
Whew!
Happy tears of joy!
You just made my day!
Much love,
April
Monica,
OH! And I am very impressed that you were eventually able to realize that him asking about you wearing that sexy underwear he likes to see you in wasn’t an insult. It was actually a good thing. He was just letting you know a very easy way you could bless him. He was saying he loves to see your body. And that underwear on you just brings out all of the beauty of your body in his eyes. He was saying that he is attracted to you and desires you.
I see how it would be easy to take offense at a comment like that. But as you better understand his masculine perspective and paradigm, hopefully you will see that it wasn’t an insult. It was simply a request for something he enjoys seeing you in. It didn’t have to be offensive at all. I think it was just a misunderstanding of the message he was intending to send.
I am so excited you have more tools now. YAY!
I am THRILLED that you have come to know Christ as your Savior and Lord!
PRAISING GOD WITH YOU TONIGHT!
Love,
April
Oh my goodness, I would be thrilled if you shared my small story! I always love your posts that give real-life examples that we all can relate to.
I am so excited to update you on the past 24 hours by the way. Since my last comment, I apologized to my husband via text while he was at work. My pride was on FIRE as I started out my message with “I’m so sorry…” I still felt hurt, so apologizing felt counter-intuitive. However I knew through my writing that my feelings could no longer rule the show. This is how I know that the only way I’ll be able to conquer my sin is with the help of the Holy Spirit, because BOY is my flesh stubborn and there’s no way I can do it alone!
Here’s what I said:
I’m so sorry for how I reacted to your comment last night. I have been struggling with taming my feelings and my flesh got the better of me. I know that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean that it is so. My initial reaction to what you said was that I wasn’t sexy enough the way I currently was, which made me feel unloved and insecure. However I know that was not your intention and just because you have a preference doesn’t mean that you don’t love me the way I am. My number one desire is to feel loved, although I am working on surrendering that stronghold over my life. Easier said than done. If wearing ___ is what makes you happy, I will sacrifice my comfort zone from time to time to make that happen. 😉 I might have to reward myself with a new pair of shoes when I’m out shopping though. Thank you for showing love to me in ways that I may not recognize all the time.
His almost immediate reply:
I love you too. I cannot thank you enough for this text. Seriously, I am on the verge of a freakout session here at work, and it is such a relief to hear positive things from you. Last night has been a splinter in my mind all day. I also feel as though I’m falling short at all the things I’m trying to do, and I just cannot handle criticism right now. Sorry for not reacting in a loving way. And I still think you’re sexy no matter what you wear.
When he came home from work, I got up to greet me, and we embraced in a long hug. APRIL!!!! When I tell you I feel like I live in an alternate universe right now, I am not exaggerating. I cannot believe the change that is happening! In the past I would have given him the silent treatment, and any communication between us would be a control tug-of-war. I feel so BLESSED for my feelings getting hurt because I see now how God gave it to me as an opportunity for me to grow. God used it for my benefit, which is ultimately for His benefit because I need to rely on Him in order to succeed. WOW!
Before this point, our house would have been a land mine for at least a week, both of us standing strong in our righteousness and not wanting to budge. You made a silent video recently of the 2 types of wives we can choose to be. I feel like this small event was my first encounter in what it feels like to make a choice to be a peaceful wife and actually witness the positive results. Praise God! Thank you Lord, for this wonderful gift of validation! I know He wants our marriage to succeed. I know now that it wasn’t ever working because I was trying to do it in my own strength without Him. Of course. Of course!!!
I want to shout from the rooftops. Bring on the valleys. Bring on the trials. Bring on the rain. There’s nothing more I crave now than to have anything strengthen my obedience and faith in our Lord.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. -2 Corinthians 12:9
Have a blessed day April! Thank you for everything! I look forward to keeping in touch!
Monica
Monica,
This comment put such a smile on my face. I am THRILLED about the way you handled things and that you swallowed your pride and apologized. I am so thankful that you got to experience the secret firsthand – you don’t lose anything good when you do things God’s way. All you lose is the power to destroy your marriage and tear down your husband. You gain the power of heaven to build up, to bless, and to pour healing into your marriage!
Humility blesses our marriages. It blesses romance. Pride destroys it. And a spirit of offense is toxic to romance. I have to choose to feed one and starve the other. Which one will I value most?
You, my sweet sister, have had a chance to “taste and see that the Lord is good.” This is exactly why I have this ministry. I can’t keep these incredible blessings and treasures to myself. Not when there is a vast ocean of them in Christ, enough for us all to come and drink our fill!
I would really love to share your story. Thank you so much!
I want to do an emphasis for the next month leading up to Valentine’s Day on how to nurture romance and about the things that destroy it. Your story would be such a blessing to so many ladies and marriages!
Much love and PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!
April
This is so so awesome!! Thank you for sharing this!
I married my husband very young. I only knew him for 3 months before our engagement which lasted 1 month. He promised me a life full of following the lord together when in reality he is just a drunk, self absorbed big child. My father tried to tell me, who and what you’re attracted to at 19 will not be the same when you are 25. I truly believe I should not have married him.. I see men now and think my father was so right. I see men who have qualities that i would die for. I wish i could go back and grow up more and learn myself and learn my husband. He is nothing i thought he would be..
But i am a christian and i love the lord very much and i just feel like if i ever tried to move on i would be haunted with the thoughts of me not fufilling my vows. But now that i know who i am and what i want out of life and a family i feel so lost on what to do…. But i know joyce meyer married young and then re-married and started a family…
We do not have children together yet…
I just need some guidance 🙁 I also think my husband would be happier without me
Confused wife,
It sounds like a very disappointing, painful situation. I can feel the hurt deeply from here in your words. I’m so sorry that things are hard and that you feel like you made a big mistake with this marriage.
I can tell you this, though. Sometimes through our deepest pain and biggest mistakes, God does the most amazing things to change us and to draw us to Himself.
Wedding vows are extremely important. They are sacred. There can be times a wife may need to prayerfully consider separation.
But before that, I would want to ask God, “What do You want me to learn in the midst of this? How do You want to make me more like Jesus? How do You want me to pray for myself and my husband? What do You want to do in my husband’s life and in our marriage for Your glory? And what part do You want me to play?”
I have seen the Lord do many miracles in hundreds of people’s lives around the world. He is awesome at bringing beauty from our messes.
I’d also be glad to point you to some resources and tools that could make all the difference in your own heart.
Praying for you both.
Much love!
April
I am open to those resources April thank you. I really need to find time to talk with my husband tonight when he gets home from a long day of playing with his guy friends and enjoying all his toys while I clean the house and do buckets of laundry but I’m trying to get my mind right first, and make a meal for him. Then I would love to sit him down and just ask where he would like to see this marriage going or even his life? I really feel like I need something from him
Confused Wife,
If possible, I would suggest not talking to him yet. And looking at the things I will share first. Then, I believe you will be better prepared and equipped to have a more productive approach. ????
I did not speak to him yet but I have been very passive aggressive. He never has any fun with me or does anything for me. His life revolves around his friends and what’s fun for him and him doing whatever he wants
Confused Wife,
Or, I invite you to search things on my blog like:
– How to have a relationship with Christ
– How to influence your husband for Christ
– Husband idol
– 17 tips to ask your husband for things respectfully
– Expectations
– A Fellow Wife’s posts
– emotions
– contentment
– insecurity
– security
Please do let me know if these are helpful or if you need additional resources.
You may also like some of my videos on my YouTube channel, April Cassidy. The one “Which Woman Will I Be?” from about 2 months ago may be a blessing.
Much love!
April
Confused Wife,
I don’t think this approach will actually get you what you really want. In fact, I think it may actually him away and sabotage your real goals.
Some other posts that may help include things like:
– signs your husband may be feeling disrespected
– what is respect in marriage
– the smiling challenge
– the tone of voice challenge
– welcome home plan
– what is attractive/unattractive to husbands
– respect myself
Much love!
Offence is so subtle and spirals with not much awareness. Something I think about relating to this is in Scripture as I read about Cain and Abel, to me it’s a clear picture of offence.
Seems that the problem was not Cain’s offering itself, nor the fact that God was displeased with it, but the issue in Cain’s eyes, is that God WAS satsified w/Abel’s offering -but NOT HIS- and it is what caused Cain to become jealous and offensive towards his brother. I read it as, it was a problem in the heart of Cain. Scripture does not lie when it says our hearts are desperately sick and who can understand it!?
Cain also obviously was angry at God (just look at how He speaks to the Lord after he’s confronted about killing his brother!) and our obviously omniscient God immediately identified the sin in Cain’s heart.
Offence has gotta be the root of bitterness that Scripture discusses, just a thought as God peels back the layers of my own heart over time. God’s brought me back to a root of bitterness over and over, the trouble it brings, being super on guard against it and working on forgiving more quickly (and by grace, more EASILY) these days. It is definitely a supernatural work to overcome this horrible sin of offence. Lord, how we cling to Your righteousness!
Jaimie Mills,
Thank you so much for sharing about this. It is something we have to guard so carefully against. And I agree, sometimes we see more and more in layers as we grow and God shows us things we hadn’t seen before.
I appreciate your insights very much!
Much love!
April,
Thank you for your suggestions of posts.. I am defininitely feeling conviction. I am no saint or victim in this marriage I see….. Can you tell me if you would recommend the book the Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle?
and if it is biblically sound?
Thank you!
Confused Wife,
God used that book, The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle, to REALLY convict me of a lot of my own pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, and selfishness. I love that book. However, there are a lot of things that are not biblically sound that you will need to weed out if you choose to read it.
One reason I wrote The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord was because I really wished that information was available to me as I began this journey and I wouldn’t have to weed out so much unbiblical stuff.
I do love a lot of things about Doyle’s book. But I would only recommend it for women who are strong in the Word of God and know how to wisely discern what to keep and what to toss.
Much love to you!
I highly recommend April’s book The Peaceful Wife. I too am in a difficult marriage and this book along with this blog have been very eye opening and helpful to me. I hope it will be the same for you.
Thanks so much for sharing, Angela! <3
Offence can only be taken; it cannot be given.
These are very wise words indeed.
We each have a choice to make, how we choose to react to things. Make good choices – seek His will in every decision you make & you will continue on the narrow path, leading you closer to Him. Amen
Heather,
Thanks so much for sharing! <3