Killing Bitterness

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I have quite a few posts on bitterness – but it has been awhile since I talked about this critical topic. So let’s do a refresher together! We can’t possibly have God’s supernatural peace if we cling to bitterness. It is God’s will that all of His children be completely free from this snare.

Bitterness is one of the most toxic of all spiritual poisons.

Definition of Bitterness – from www.gotquestions.org:

Bitterness is resentful cynicism that results in an intense antagonism or hostility toward others… Bitterness refers to a mental or emotional state that corrodes or “eats away at.” Bitterness can affect one experiencing profound grief or anything that acts on the mind in the way poison acts on the body. Bitterness is that state of mind that willfully holds on to angry feelings, ready to take offense, able to break out in anger at any moment.

Bitterness can be held against anyone – other people, God, or ourselves. All of it is toxic.

What Does Bitterness Do?

Bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, and hatred open the door of our hearts to the enemy. They give him a “foothold.” Once I leave the door cracked for him long enough, he can eventually get into my heart and mind and set up a spiritual base camp. Then he can attack me and those around me through my thoughts, my words, and my actions as I succumb to the temptation of hatred.

One person’s bitterness can end up becoming contagious and may “defile many.” Bitterness spreads like gangrene in a family, a church, a community, or even across an entire nation.

Bitterness leads to greater and greater sin. When it goes unchecked, it eventually leads to hatred, malice, threats, violence, and even suicide/murder.

Bitterness destroys our fellowship with God, our fellowship with other people, and our witness for Christ. Our bitterness grieves the Holy Spirit and repels other people. It is prickly and unpleasant to be around.

Our bitterness teaches our children to be bitter, as well. Our children learn from our example and our own root of bitterness begins to grow in their hearts. They learn very unhealthy and dysfunctional ways of relating to people and will learn our destructive approach.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Eph. 4:26-27
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; Heb. 12:15
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:20

Killing Bitterness:

Let’s talk about how to tear out every “root of bitterness” in our hearts so that it does not destroy us.

We must identify every bitter thought we have in our minds and hearts. I suggest writing them all down whenever you notice you are feeling resentful. Try to take a block of time and come up with every single angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving thought you can find in your thinking. We can’t tear things out until we know what all of the bitter roots are. I would love to try to get through this part of the process fairly quickly. Dwelling on bitter thoughts for very long is not going to be healthy.
We must test our thoughts. I can’t just accept every thought I have. Sometimes my anger has a correct basis and other times the basis of my anger is faulty.
- Has there simply been a misunderstanding?
  - Could the issue really just be a matter of different perspectives or different expectations, not a matter of someone sinning?
    - Maybe I feel like my husband has evil motives, but perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for his perspective that I just don’t understand yet. Maybe he is not truly my enemy.
  - Could it be that this issue is a matter of personal conviction, not actual sin?
  - Could it be that I had unrealistic expectations or unbiblical expectations of this person?
    - Do I expect my husband to act like the romantic lead in a Hollywood movie?
    - Do I expect my husband to think/feel/act like a woman or just like I do?
    - Do I expect my husband to speak my love language fluently when he doesn’t really understand it yet and tries to show love in other ways?
    - If I have unrealistic or unbiblical expectations at the root of my anger, then my anger is misplaced. I need to deal with my own expectations or I need to seek to understand the other person’s perspective and expectations and extend grace.
  - If one of these issues is the root of the problem, when I understand the other person’s perspective and good intentions, it may become quite easy for me to forgive. There may not even be anything to actually forgive. It may just be that the misunderstanding needs to be cleared up.
- Could my thinking be skewed, sinful, and/or unbiblical?
  - Is it possible that the reason for my bitterness and resentment stems from unbiblical thinking on my part? Am I upset with someone because I feel they expect something of me that they shouldn’t, but it actually is a biblical expectation they have of me?
    - Am I idolizing this person? Is it possible that I am expecting him/her to meet needs in my life that truly only Jesus can meet?
    - Do I expect my husband to be responsible for my happiness?
    - Am I idolizing my happiness?
    - Am I justifying sin in my own heart because I am in pain?
    - Have I been deceived by ungodly thinking from my culture?
      - Maybe I feel really angry with my husband simply because he is a man and many women hate all men today. Is that a reasonable cause for me to be bitter?
      - Maybe I believe subconsciously that women are superior to men and that is why I feel resentful toward my husband?
      - Maybe I have been wrongly taught that the Bible teaches that women are inferior to men and that is why I feel bitter toward God or toward my husband.
      - Maybe I don’t think God’s promises are for me or I don’t feel like God is close to me, and I feel bitter because I don’t know who God really is and what is true, sound doctrine?
    - Am I taking responsibility for my own emotions and my own spiritual wellbeing?
    - Am I in right standing with the Lord, myself? Have I allowed God to help me examine my own spiritual eyes to see if there is a beam there (Matt. 7:1-5)?
  - If something like this is the real issue, then I need to take the time to correct my skewed thinking or address my own sinful thoughts (There is an entire chapter on this subject in “The Peaceful Mom – Building a Healthy Foundation on Christ As Lord” that is available on Amazon, Christian Book, and Barnes and Noble online. The whole first half of the book would be helpful for any believing woman in Christ, even those who are not moms.)
- Do I have righteous or unrighteous anger?
  - Was I genuinely sinned against by someone?
  - Where are my motives now? Are they righteous or unrighteous?
  - If my anger is righteous, what does God desire me to do with it? How can I honor Him?
  - If my anger is unrighteous, am I willing to repent to the Lord, and possibly to the other person if appropriate?
  - I can remember that I don’t have to trust someone if they are not trustworthy. Forgiveness is not the same thing as trust. Forgiveness is an unconditional command the Lord gives all believers but trust of another person is conditional and broken trust must be rebuilt.
Wherever we have sinned, we repent to the Lord and to others.
- Sometimes my thinking and motives are wrong. Sometimes my expectations are wrong. Holding onto sinful anger is always wrong. If I have pride, vanity, self-righteousness, entitlement, idolatry of someone else, codependency, sexual immorality, hatred, or unrighteous anger in my own heart, it all has to go. It is my responsibility to turn from any sin in my own life and to ask God to help me tear out all sinful thinking.
- I must submit fully to the Lordship of Christ for myself in every area of my life.
- I must humble myself and get rid of any pride that I think I know best and acknowledge that God’s wisdom is infinitely greater than mine.
- I want to be sure that I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior and that I am seeking to be filled up with His Spirit.
If we have been sinned against, we decide to give the situation to the Lord and seek to honor His wisdom and His way of handling things.
- If someone has truly sinned against me, I can acknowledge that what the person did was wrong and was not okay. I can acknowledge my pain and God’s pain. I can agree with God that what that person did was sin and that it needs to be paid for. I can understand that there will be justice in the end – either Jesus’ blood will adequately cover that sin when that person repents or that person will pay for that sin forever in hell, according to God’s Word. And I can desire to see that person repent and be in right relationship with God and with me.
- God says that vengeance belongs to Him. He will repay. I can acknowledge that ultimately, all sin is against God. And I can accept that it is God’s place to take vengeance and to exact justice on other people. (Rom. 12:19)
- If someone has committed a crime against me, I need to report it to the proper authorities. We have God-given authorities in the government, the police, at church, at work, etc… to help protect people from being mistreated and abused. I can let go of bitterness and forgive someone for rape, murder, stealing, etc… in the power of the Holy Spirit, but the police still need to know about it and that person needs to face appropriate earthly consequences.
- God gives us a specific framework for handling conflict within the Body of Christ. We should approach someone else’s sin/hurtful actions against us in the way that God prescribes.
- I ask the Holy Spirit to empower me to forgive this person who hurt me. Not because they deserve forgiveness. None of us deserve forgiveness. But I forgive because I want to obey God and continue to be in right relationship with Him.
- I can respectfully ask for what I need and for the person to stop sinning against me. I can respect myself properly in God’s eyes – but I can do this without sinning against the person who hurt me.
- I may have to put up appropriate boundaries if a person refuses to stop sinning against me, in accordance with God’s Word and as I follow the leading of the Spirit. But I can be free from any grudges, bitterness, or resentment as I choose to live in the Spirit.
We replace the bitter thoughts with God’s love, God’s perspective, kindness, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and God’s wisdom.
- I can ask God to cleanse me of every sin in my own life and then invite His Spirit to fill me completely and to empower me to approach this difficult person and situation in His ability not in my sinful flesh.
- I can pray and invite God to do something amazing in that person’s life for God’s glory.
- I can pray for God’s healing in me and for God to use this painful trial to help me grow spiritually and to bring honor to the Lord in my life.
- I can take my thoughts captive for Christ and refuse to think bitter, evil thoughts.
- I can focus on Philippians 4:8 kinds of good things in my life.
- I can count my trial as joy.
- I can seek to have God’s eternal perspective.
- I can write down kind thoughts and prayers of blessing over the person who sinned against me and plead for God to reach their souls and to rescue them from the enemy and to heal them. (Isa. 61:1, Luke 6:28, Rom. 12:17-21)
- I can ask God what good things He may desire me to do in response to the evil so that I can overcome evil with good. (Rom. 12:21)
- I can remember that people are not my real enemies. My real enemies are spiritual enemies and this is ultimately a spiritual battle for which I must use the spiritual weapons God gives me.(Eph. 6:10-17)
- Dealing with a Broken Relationship (YouTube video about how to think and pray for someone who has broken fellowship with you and you want to see reconciliation.)

NOTE – If you are dealing with an abusive relationship and you or your children are not safe, please seek appropriate, experienced, godly help in person ASAP.

Lord,

We need Your help to get rid of our bitterness. It is Your will that we be completely free from all sin, including this one. Shine Your Light on our hearts, help us to open up the darkest parts to You. Help us to identify and tear out every thought that is lifting itself up against the knowledge of Christ in our hearts! Help us to use the spiritual weapons and truth You give us to be set free from all bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness so that we can grow like crazy in our faith and love for You. Fill us with Your Spirit. Help us to allow Jesus to live in and through us and to be glorified in our thinking, our motives, our words, and our actions.

Amen!

How has God helped you to get rid of bitterness? You are welcome to send me a response on my Contact Page if you have something you think might be helpful in a post for our sisters.

Verses about Getting Rid of Bitterness

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. Prov. 10:12
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Rom. 12:2
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Eph. 4:31-32
But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Col. 3:8
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Col. 3:13
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 John 4:20
Verses about bitterness
Verses about anger
Verses about forgiveness