Skip to main content
sean-parker-360081

What Do I Do with My Desire for Verbal/Emotional Connection?

This is the second part of this series on talkativeness and wives. The first post was, “Am I ‘Too Chatty’ with My Husband?”Β It is primarily for wives who believe they talk too much or whose husbands would maybe prefer less talking. Next week, I plan to talk about the issue of wives being too quiet.

At first, when I realized I was talking way too much for my own good, it was painful. I felt sad, oppressed, upset, resentful, and lonely to think about cutting down on my words to other people. I didn’t know how to stop talking too much or what to do with all of my emotions and self-talk.

I find that it is helpful to take these kinds of discouraging thoughts to the Lord. He is always ready to listen to me. He can help me hash through my thinking even better than any husband or best girl friend could. He wants me to abide in Him every moment – always completely one in Spirit with Him – and to “pray continually.” That is very encouraging! Plus, He can transform my thinking and my heart. He knows how to restore and heal my soul, if only I will come to Him and allow Him to work powerfully in my life.

Interestingly – that pain I feel when I want to talk more or connect more with my husband can remind me that God’s heart hurts when I neglect him. And His heart rejoices when I come to Him to fellowship and connect with Him.

ADOPT A NEW PERSPECTIVE

I can:

CONNECT WITH GOD EMOTIONALLY/SPIRITUALLY

I can:

  • Praise God.
  • Journal my prayers and thoughts. (This seriously helps me, as much or even more than talking to another person.)
    • Write down my emotions – all of them. And all of my self-talk. In a very raw way. I can shred the paper up later if necessary.
    • Take my thoughts captive for Christ.
    • Develop a list of things for which I am thankful and continue to add to it daily.
    • Work on a list of all the things I respect about my husband.
    • Invite God to work on my sin, motives, and thought life.
    • Pray for myself.
    • Pray for others.
  • Sing praise songs in my mind or in another room out loud.
  • Listen to or read sermons, podcasts, Youtube videos, the Bible, or books about the Lord and about growing in Christ. (When I do this, I feel so close to the Lord and so loved. I know I am not alone at all.)
  • Listen and be still before God. Stillness is most necessary for me to learn to hear His voice and leading.
  • Take a walk in nature and soak in the beauty and wonder of God’s creation.

DEVELOP A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF MY HUSBAND

I personally was amazed to discover that Greg said he always felt connected with me and bonded to me, whether we were talking a lot or not. He doesn’t connect with words. He feels just as connected to me when we are together talking as he does when he is at work. His love and sense of connection are, essentially, constant. Wow! That was a shock. I always thought we are only connected when we are talking and communicating verbally.

When Greg explained his perspective to me, it helped me to rest in his love and in the firmness of our connection. It helped me to see that I don’t have to grasp and struggle to feel connected. I already am connected to him. I can just enjoy that bond. Perhaps your husband may have a similar perspective?

Perhaps our amazing God thinks this way, too, when it comes to being connected with us, that we are always connected to Him and in fellowship with Him? Every moment of the day. (Unless there is sin blocking the way.)

BECOME A SAFE PLACE FOR MY HUSBAND

If I am willing to focus on treating my husband well and being a safe place emotionally and spiritually, he may feel a lot more open to sharing and connecting with me, in time. This requires a lot of patience and maybe a lot of waiting. In the time of waiting, I can focus on what God wants me to learn during that time. Waiting truly can become sweet with the Lord. So things may change to some degree with my husband’s willingness to talk as I change my approach. I know Greg is much more open to me talking with him in recent years since he feels safe and honored.

FIND MULTIPLE SOURCES OF CONNECTION

First, I have Jesus. He is my greatest source of verbal, emotional, and spiritual connection. He is truly enough! But then, as an extra bonus, I also have family, friends, and other believers. We can have godly mentors who can help us to grow in our faith and in our marriages. And then, in time, as the Lord leads, we may be able to mentor other women. What a priceless blessing that is!

I don’t have to feel deprived at all, even if my husband isn’t as talkative and verbal as I am. I can be content in all circumstances through Christ who gives me strength! (Phil. 4:12-13)

If I Have Jesus, I Have EVERYTHING!

EXPERIENCE A SHOCK

I actually found out – I need times of silence, too. It’s good for my soul. Now, I can enjoy silence in a friendly way. It’s peaceful and relaxing. I am in a much better place of balance than when I talked non-stop. I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn about the wisdom and gift of silence.

SHARE:

What wisdom has God given you in this area. Or what struggles do you have and where do you need some encouragement?

RELATED:

The Frustrating Quiet Phase

Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority! – by A Fellow Wife

Oneness in Marriage: Not Too Close, but Not Too Far Away

Closeness in Marriage Looks Different from What I Expected – by A Fellow Wife

A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space

When Your Man Needs Space

Why Space Can Be a Gift

How I Became Enmeshed with My Husband – by LMSdaily

20 Simple Ways to Enjoy Your Man

23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

Finding Contentment in Christ Alone in Painful Trials

 

 

 

 

 

34 thoughts on “What Do I Do with My Desire for Verbal/Emotional Connection?

  1. Something in the vein of journaling, that may help someone else – I created an email address, to which I send all manner of things, most of them terrible and awful and shameful.

    You can pound out all of your anger on the keyboard, hit send, get it out, and never have it hit its emotional target.

    The interesting thing is to go back, later, and see how you have grown.

    This is not meant to replace talking to God about it. Nothing should ever do that. But I have found it helpful, over the years, when I was about to explode w/ anger, to do so, just in an email. It helps.

    I don’t do it solely with anger. It’s called ‘Things I’d Like to Say’, so it’s literally all the things I’d like to say, but shouldn’t/can’t. Mostly, it’s shouldn’t’s.

    It has been a super helpful tool, especially when you are in a difficult time in your marriage. And especially if your marriage is mostly difficult times.

    1. RamonaQ,
      I think this is a great idea. It gives you a safe place to say the things you want to say and to process and really think about what would be wise to say.

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I think this can be a better idea than confiding in friends and family. Of course, if things are really bad, we may need to reach out to a godly wife mentor or Christian counselor.

      Love this!

  2. Thank you for this post. I am struggling with this but thankfully, I’ve stopped pursuing my husband and demanding that we talk. I was seeking that connection with my husband, but he didn’t like it as it was often complaining and negative emotions that came out of my mouth. I’ve learned from this blog that I need to give all those feelings and complaints to the Lord, who can handle it and help me. I’m going through the quiet phase since I cut out negativity, there’s not much to talk about! I realized how much my heart has to change and be cleansed to be positive and joyful in the Lord.

    One question is about friendships with other women. It is hard to find good friends, and it seems like people are too busy to listen. I’m praying for the Lord to bring to my life some good Christian girl friends. But I don’t think anybody really has the patience and time to hear me emotionally dump on them. Maybe I should just tell these feelings to the Lord. What do you think? What are the boundaries in friendships?

    1. Ms Min,

      I found the exact same thing! Once I got rid of complaining, negativity, bossing him around, questioning his every move, making demands, criticizing him, gossiping, bitterness, or saying something prideful, there was hardly anything I could come up with to say. How sad was that!?!?

      It is hard to find good friends. Personally, I take almost everything to the Lord. I do have a close sister in Christ now that I go to when I am having an especially difficult time spiritually. She prays with me. But for many years, it was just God, my notebook, my Bible, books, and me.

      The goal, even with girl friends, is not to “dump on them,” but to still monitor your thoughts and words so that what you share is godly and you are not depending on or clinging to another person to be responsible for your emotional/spiritual well-being.

      Does that make sense?

      Much love!

  3. My husband has always had more to say than I have to say. And I found the same thing to be true for me: when I realized that I should only open my mouth in positive, supporting words that build up, I had even less to say! However, in our 3rd year of my seeking to be a peaceful, submissive wife, my husband seeks my opinion and support now more that he has in many years of marriage. I have a sister and a couple girl friends to whom I can go when I need to talk something out or need their prayer support. I give everything to Christ and continue to tear down idols and work with the Holy Spirit on getting to the source of my wounded heart. Seeking holiness is a full-time job. The better my daily prayer time, the better my day goes and the less I need to talk out anything. I try to leap into Jesus’ arms and to stay there. I really don’t want to be anywhere else.

    1. Renee,

      That is so beautiful!!!!!!

      My husband definitely is much more interested in my feelings, desires, concerns, and opinions now, too. Now that I am trustworthy and he knows I honor and respect him. It is all way easier!

      I love your story. Thank you so much for this. I wonder if you might allow me to share your comment anonymously on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page? I believe it may be a big encouragement to lots of our sisters.

      Much love!

  4. Hi April, just asking for some prayer support from you and other ladies on here.

    Been married 5 years. Ups and downs. Thought everything was going really great for the past 2 years, and I’m pregnant. Husband has been distant last few days, and cold. Thought it was work, so I didn’t push. Texted me today and listed off things that he has not moved on from from 3 years ago. Complicated to get into, but I decided to ask him to separate from me around then because our relationship was very volitile and needed work. My pastor and his wife recommended separation and supported me through this. It was extremely difficult. I sought Christian counselling and he did too. Reconciled, and he told me how sorry he was for everything.

    About a year later, I started to hear that it was actually my fault. That I did these things out of manipulation. It was a very painful time. I did not choose to separate lightly, as I had just had our child and was devastated. There are some things that my husband is very hurt by. I have said hurtful and disrespectful things in the past, which I have profusely apologized for many times. I’ve been in the respect journey for 2 years now. He says he can not trust me, because of these hurtful things I have said. Says I am abusive, that I destroyed his reputation, his work, that I have never allowed him to pursue his passions, that I have ruined relationships with his family. That I alienated him from church and that’s why we had to leave.

    I’m at a loss, April. I told him that I’m not stopping him from leaving, and that I can’t keep thinking that I’m forgiven for my wrongs but then have them brought back up every month. He even said I manipulated him into having another child, when we made a clear decision as a couple to try for another. I’m just heartbroken.

    At the moment, he told me I need individual counselling immediately. I told him that I would like marriage and individual and he said I’m holding for our marriage to be over if I don’t go to individual counselling immediately.

    I feel like I’m losing my mind…like I’m trying to reason with someone who isn’t my husband. I honestly thought we were really happy, and I’ve had no complaints..just typical marriage stuff that we all deal with.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to be firm and where to bend and where to be humble. I don’t even know where to start. It’s hard to believe that he could be (in his words) so tired of me, and I was not at all feeling the same way towards him.

    Prayer needed, or else I don’t know what will come of us.

    1. ( Β΄β€’οΈ΅β€’` )

      I am so sorry for your pain.

      I want to say some things, but … I am not sure I should, and fear speaking in error.

      I am thinking of you, and praying for you.

      1. Thank you. Your prayers are appreciated more than you know. I feel very comforted and thank you for taking the time to respond and pray.

    2. SavedByChrist,

      Oh, goodness. πŸ™

      I’m so sorry that you are both hurting so much. And that he feels he can’t move on. And that you are stuck now, too, in this.

      I would certainly be willing to go to individual counseling in such a situation. It sounds like a good idea, actually.

      Lord,
      I pray that You might give our sister Light, wisdom, discernment, discretion, and the ability to hear Your voice clearly. Help her to abide in You and to respond in the power of Your Spirit. Provide just the right counselor for her. Give the counselor Your insight. We pray for Your victory in this situation and for You to make something beautiful from this painful mess.

      Amen!

      Sending you a huge hug!

      1. Thank you, April. I did reach out and contact a Christian therapy group to set up an appointment. He talked for a long time with me last night, and I hate to say that I felt very defensive and it was really, really difficult and painful to just hear what felt like a laundry list of all the things I have failed in, and continue to fail in. I feel like I’ve been really trying to show respect, make changes, and yet it’s been 2 years of him feeling like I am actually getting worse. I’m really hoping that this counsellor will be wise in guiding me. I do agree that there are things I need to work on, and that my pride keeps me from being 100% honest with myself sometimes, but I spent a lot of the night awake just heart broken. Feeling like this won’t change, and that I will always be a disappointment to my husband. I know these are not accurate, but it’s what I was feeling. It also feels like I am distant from God, and just feeling an array of emotions. Hard to admit that, but I kept thinking over and over “the Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want, he makes me lie down in green pastures” and what I was actually feeling was “how long Lord will you forget me forever”. It feels like I’ve previously been so strong in faith, leaning in to God when it got tough, and now I’m tired. I’m not afraid to tell God I’m tired and doubtful, alevent hougb I believe His promises. Thank you for your prayers, and reading this long message. Lots of sisterly love to you and fellow sisters on here

        1. You are not wrestling w/ flesh & blood.

          The words your husband are saying to you right now, are not entirely his own, at best.

          Try to keep this in mind. It may help lessen the blow when he starts hurling these things at you.

          DO NOT SAY THIS TO HIM

          Your husband is in sin against you. He is in direct violation of Colossians 3:19, at minimum, and is being bitter toward you.

          Your Enemy has a playground in your husband’s mind. DO NOT SAY THIS TO HIM, even if you have to bite your tongue. You don’t seem angry, or like the kind of woman who would (I sure was), but it may well up in you, and just keep it in mind, to try to not point out his sin right now if things get heated.

          This is part of what is going on, only with him instead of you:
          https://peacefulwife.com/2016/02/13/how-satan-would-love-to-destroy-your-marriage-through-your-thought-life/

          You are in an excruciatingly painful situation right now. Read that post ^. Keep yourself as close to God as possible, and remind yourself that your husband is being used right now, in an effort to harm you, and your marriage.

          Keep your mouth SHUT. With the state he is in, most anything you say to him is going to rile up the things going on within him. Answer him politely. Be as sweet and kind as you are able to muster. Try not to let him see you upset. I’m not saying lie, or put on a fake show, but…. just try not to let him see you very upset.

          If you can stomach those sessions, where he is ticking off a list of all of your wrongs, do. Be patient, be SILENT, listen to him, and apologize.

          Keeping quiet is one of your BEST weapons right now. Employ it. Work it overtime.

          You are going to be okay.

          Hang tough.

          Hold on to the Lord.

          The road may be rough, and it may not be short (but it could be), but you are going to get to the end of it, and you are going to be okay.

          God will not leave you, if you cling to Him.

          Hang tough.

          Still thinking & praying for you, and will continue to.

          1. Wow, thank you RamonaQ. Thank you for pointing out this post- I’m going to go back and re-read it again and again. I can definitely get angry- very angry, and so I appreciate your wisdom in what not to say. It’s so tempting to try and fight, even though it’s pointless. I feel like I have no defences, and I am being severely accused. I appreciate hearing your words because I often can’t discern if I really am in the wrong, or if there is something else going on. Realizing that I’m not fighting flesh and blood, do I just pray against this? I feel like I lose my husband every so often to this, but I also see his pain and hurt, and I really see that he believes that I am in the wrong. I feel like I have prayed against this so many times…prayed for healing, prayed for compassion and understanding towards me. Why is Satan getting such a stronghold to ruin our marriage? And, how can I tell the difference between spiritual warfare and flesh and blood? Your words gave me such encouragement this morning, and I was able to work effectively at my job this morning. Thank you

            1. SavedByChrist,

              I’m so glad that post was helpful.

              Whatever you do – do not respond in the flesh.

              Nina Roesner has some helpful posts about defensiveness at http://www.ninaroesner.com.

              https://ninaroesner.com/2016/08/22/one-way-cause-defensiveness-others/

              https://ninaroesner.com/2017/05/02/judgement-conclusions-defensive-lie/

              Also, you are welcome to search my home page for:

              – conflict
              – men and shame
              – how to handle insults, criticism, and rebukes
              – My Demon

              Then let’s talk about what the Lord shows you. πŸ™‚

        2. SavedbyChrist,

          If you are feeling far from the Lord, the first thing I want to do is get your source of strength, power, truth, nourishment, and oxygen going. Then God can give you the power you need to rightly discern what your husband is doing and how to handle yourself with Him.

          Would it be okay if we talk a bit about how you are doing spiritually? Then maybe we can talk a bit about approaching your husband?

          Much love!

          RamonaQ – Thanks so much for sharing with our sister!

          1. Sure, April. I just feel like I’ve completely lost my routine with God. We changed churches about 6 months ago, because my husband felt that we needed to be involved in a church that us as a family felt whole, and after our separation he never felt comfortable going back to the church we started in. My relationships were strong there, but I felt that it was respectful to follow his desire, and move churches. We were enjoying our new church, but during the summer it was difficult to make relationships and get involved, and come September I’ve been very sick in this first trimester and not able to do much except try to fulfill my work duties and come home to rest. Church became less of a priority. I’ve been out of my usual small group, and have lost my desire to read the bible. I still love listening to worship music and praying, but I have defineitly not been as close to God as I have been. I feel that I did make the right decision, because I was involved in serving and fellowship at our prior church on my own, and I didn’t feel that was okay. But, now I feel like there isn’t anything or anyone walking with me in my faith. So, my relationship with Jesus has suffered in the last few months.
            Hopefully this helps give you a clearer picture of how I’ve been feeling. Thank you for responding April.

            1. SavedByChrist,

              Are you to the point that you are ready to focus on your own spiritual nourishment? Are you ready to get back into prayer and the Word so that you are not spiritually starving? There is no way to spiritually starve yourself and be a godly wife. No way. After about 1-2 days of starving myself of prayer or the Word, I can crash and burn. None of us are so powerful and strong that we can do this without abiding in Christ.

              Do you believe there may be any sin you could be cherishing in your heart that could be impacting your fellowship with the Lord?

              Much love!

  5. Oh yes. I’m at that point. I think my pride would like to say otherwise, but I am so in need of Him. I prayed last night and I definitely have been cherishing a certain sin, and asked the Lord to please, again, take it from me and please forgive me. I do know that there is sin that has kept me distant from God, and I’ve made a resolution to take it captive and to fight it. I apologized to God for not fighting it.

    1. SavedByChrist,
      All sin has to go. Otherwise we grieve the Spirit and we can’t walk in His power, we can only operate in flesh mode. And that is a BAD thing!

      I’m glad that you are repenting of it and willing to turn from that sin. That is awesome!

      1. Already, my day has been so blessed because of the Lord.

        I was able to sing praises, pray for my own life, my own shortcomings, thank God for who He is, and ask for my husband to see me through God’s lens and vice versa. I feel encouraged and peaceful, and I know that is only because of Him. I believe now that God knows that Satan’s attacks do hurt me greatly, and even cause me to think horrible thoughts about myself and believe so many lies, but that ultimately they always bring me back to Him, which is why He may allow it sometimes.

        I was able to cherish my day so far, and I want you to know that your prayers matter. They made a huge and powerful difference today when I needed to come back to God. I was even able to think of something that I think will bless my husband greatly, something that I am not expecting anything in return from and that I am happy to bless him with.

        Lots of love to you April. Thank you.

        1. “I was even able to think of something that I think will bless my husband greatly, something that I am not expecting anything in return from and that I am happy to bless him with.”

          \( β—  β—‘ β— )/ YAY!!!!

  6. Also, April. I just read the article RamonaQ had mentioned in her comment, and God had to have given RamonaQ the insight, because it is word for word exactly what my husband is hurting about. It’s like someone listened to his thoughts, and recorded them. All of the things he is hurt about, that I felt helpless in trying to fix or undo, were listed. I really couldn’t have summed up my husband’s pain in better words, because I don’t doubt that his pain is not real.

    1. SavedByChrist,

      You can recognize Satan’s voice because he attacks, accuses, insults, creates division, hurts people, upsets them to harm them, encourages bitterness, encourages hatred, rebels against forgiveness, mercy, truth, and grace. His voice leads to death on every level.

      God’s voice leads to life.

      I’m so glad that post was helpful. It is one I wish we all had a chance to read.

      1. Hi April- I wanted to send a very quick update. Thank you for your prayers and Godly wisdom. I’m thankful to say that my husband and I have restored peace in our home. I wouldn’t say that he is fully healed from these past hurts yet, but we are enjoying our company once again and friends. My heart rejoices for this. I can see a pattern for hurt, and so I am trying to be even more mindful in how I can communicating respect, and I have noticed a softening from him towards me. I also have been filling my driving time in with sermons and Christian podcasts, which has really helped to ignite a passion and fire for Jesus, once again. Praising God that He will continue to finish His work in me, and that His grace and mercy know no end. Thanks April, and God bless. Praying for you as well.

        1. SavedbyChrist,

          That is awesome news! WOOHOO! Praising God with you both!

          I can’t wait to see all that the Lord has in store for you.

          Much love! And thank you for the update. πŸ™‚

  7. I have not read the blog in a long time, this article seems timely. Some research consideration, There is a condition named alexithymia that affects 10% of the population not having words to describe or recognize emotions, behind that is a concept of Cassandra Syndrome specifically to emotional reciprocation. Clearly yourself and your husband don’t have these traits, though I can imagine that many of the readers do have these types of experiences. It might help provide some insight as to someone who does not respond.

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. I'm so glad we can walk this road together.

%d bloggers like this: