Skip to main content
Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain

Ten Tips for The Journey to Become a Godly Wife

In the beginning of this journey to become a godly wife, when you are seeking to allow God to transform your heart, mind, and life I have found the following things may be wise. (This post is specially geared toward wives who realize they have been disrespectful and controlling.) Of course, all of us ultimately need to follow the Spirit’s leading in any situation:

  1. It may be best not to talk to your husband about what you are learning spiritually (unless he specifically asks) for usually the first few months, possibly longer. And if he does ask about what you are learning – it can be wise to keep things brief for a number of reasons.
    • Men don’t tend to respond much to our words about spiritual things, especially if they are hurting because of our sin or they are far from God.
    • Men don’t tend to respond much to our words about spiritual things when they perceive that we are far from God or if they don’t hold us in a lot of respect at the time because of the way we have been treating them.
    • When we are beginning this journey, we tend not to express ourselves very respectfully about what we are learning and we can inadvertently sabotage ourselves if we try to talk about it a lot.
      • “I’m learning I need to be quiet when I think that what you are saying is really stupid.”
      • “I’m going to respect you because God says I have to not because I actually respect you.”
      • “Wow, it is really hard to learn how to genuinely respect you.”
    • Most men would rather not hear all the mechanics of what we are learning. There are some very spiritually mature men who tend to be more verbal who may enjoy hearing some of what we are learning but that would be pretty rare.
  2. Keep the focus on your own heart, sin, and obedience to the Lord:
    • In your private walk with Christ.
      • Focus on repenting of any sin in your life every day. Invite God to expose sinful motives and thoughts.
      • Pray for God to change you.
      • Thank God for your husband and the good things about him.
      • There may be a time where all you do is pray for God to bless your husband and you don’t pray for God to change him if you have been praying that with selfish motives in the past.
      • Take responsibility for your spiritual well-being and growth.
    • In any conversation you believe you need to have with your husband about spiritual things (unless he is involved in serious unrepentant sin against you that simply must be addressed sooner).
    • Yes, he has sins in his life, too.
    • When speaking with other people
      • (although you may need to talk some about your husband’s issues with a godly mentor/counselor, you can still do so very respectfully).
  3. Let him SEE and experience what God is doing in your heart by your change in attitude, countenance, respect, kindness, patience, peace, joy, etc…
  4. You will likely come across a lot of things as you learn and grow that he may need to learn, too, but I suggest refraining from trying to be his spiritual teacher. God can work on his heart in time and reach him in powerful ways you can’t possibly reach him.
    • If you approach him as his spiritual authority, teacher, or preacher, it will probably repel him from you and from the Lord.
    • We are not in a position of spiritual leadership over our husbands. God has chosen to give our husbands that role of headship.
    • It is SO easy to come across as self righteous or prideful if we try to verbally teach our husbands.
    • There will be plenty of things we can humbly share as a fellow traveler on this road later when the marriage has been healed as the Lord may lead – once our husbands are interested and ask for us to share.
    • Our words as wives about spiritual things are a lot less necessary than I ever realized for many years early in our marriage.
  5. As he sees the godly example you set, it will preach a more powerful sermon to him than if you attempt to lecture him, preach at him, or teach him. Again, words are not usually that meaningful to men. They are much more impacted by changed actions and attitudes.
  6. Start a list of all the things you can think of that you respect and admire about your husband. Add to it all throughout each day.
    • Maybe consider mentioning one sentence of something you admire/respect/appreciate about him each day.
  7. If you start thinking about all the things “he should do” – that is often a red flag to refocus on allowing the Lord to transform you first.
    • It may be wise not to read books or sections of books that are about what husband should do if that is a trigger for you.
  8. Don’t be surprised if he is not very supportive of your changes at first. That is pretty common. Yes, it would be awesome if he could be super supportive. If he is not able to be in that spiritual place of strength yet, extend grace to him and continue to allow God to radically transform you to be more like Jesus.
  9. Focus on being a safe place for him emotionally and spiritually.
  10. Find all of your security, peace, joy, and identity in Jesus alone, not in what your husband does or does not do.

 

Don’t be surprised if, as God changes you, your husband gets confused about what on earth is going on. That is pretty normal. I have some posts listed at the bottom that address this issue.

SHARE:

If you have been on this journey for awhile, what are some pearls of wisdom you may feel led to share with our sisters who are just starting?

PRAY WITH ME:

Lord,
Please give us the light we need each step of this journey. We yield ourselves fully to all that You desire to do in our hearts and minds. Cleanse us! Refine us! Purify us! We humble ourselves before You. Expose any sin and anything that is not from You in our souls and lives. Help us get rid of all of that. Help us to embrace Your wisdom and Your Spirit. Let us hear Your voice clearly and follow You wholeheartedly. Make us into the godly women You call us to be for Your glory! Use us to bless our husbands and families and those around us.
Amen!

Much love!

NOTE – There may be exceptions to some of the things I am talking about in extremely toxic, abusive situations. In such cases, seek the Lord’s wisdom and wise, godly, appropriate counsel one-on-one.

RELATED:

My book “The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord”

I was surprised to discover that what my husband needed to feel respected really wasn’t a long list.

18 thoughts on “Ten Tips for The Journey to Become a Godly Wife

  1. One thing I learned was to “read between the lines.” After being on this journey for a bit, I was able to talk to my husband about it some. But when I asked him what I could do differently or how I could better respect him, he couldn’t give me an answer. So instead I just tried to pay attention to things he did / didn’t like. I also used some of the lists you have here on the blog. But as you have mentioned before, every husband is different. So that’s why it’s extra important to be in tune to our spouse.

    This is a great post. I needed this reminder, as I have let day-to-day life get in the way of my journey. Thanks a bunch for all you do. You are always a blessing! 🙂

    1. The Redeemed Way,

      It was a really long time before Greg could articulate what felt respectful to him, too. I did TONS of things to try to show him respect. Turned out, he really only wanted a few very simple things.

      I really appreciate you sharing a bit about your journey and how you figured out the things he liked and didn’t like.

      I’m so thankful this was a blessing. May the Lord be greatly honored in each of our lives and marriages! 🙂

  2. April,
    This post is such a blessing, thank you! I think these are 10 tips that apply to us wherever we are on the path as we can slip in any moment. Bless you dear sister!

    1. Hope,

      I know they are helpful reminders for me. So glad the Lord used this to bless you, my sweet sister.

  3. I think what was and sometimes still is so hard for me is rejection from other people, even Christians,and from the culture. Being respectful of your husband is darn near a subversive act. Being submissive is not perceived as a good quality in many places. I actually lost friends over it, had family angry with me. I got my husband a cup of coffee once and there was a great deal of shaming over it that actually made me a bit angry.

    My husband too,he underestimated how painful that all was for me,how much flack and resistance there can be from friends and family. He’s far less social and doesn’t care as much about the opinions of others. For me I had to think of it like the way you go on a diet and suddenly everyone around you just wants you try their brownies.I don’t know why people are like that, but often they aren’t going to be your cheerleaders.

    1. insanitybytes22,

      I am extremely blessed that my parents are very supportive of my ministry. And my siblings are, as well. There are many families where I know that I would be disowned for the things I share here.

      I have definitely lost friends. And gotten a LOT of hate from certain segments of society and even the church. I have also upset female coworkers at times because I defend men instead of bashing them. I try to defend anyone who is being insulted.

      So many people misunderstand the whole concept of submission. To almost everyone in our culture, it means slavery. So I understand why they don’t like that idea. I don’t like it either! And disrespect is now so normal for men, we don’t even realize what we are doing and how much we insult men on a continual basis. So when there is a woman who really treats her man well, respects him, and honors him, she stands out. A lot.

      To me, this is part of the Christian life. The world will not understand God’s ways. We will receive persecution of many varying degrees for standing on God’s Word and for obeying Him. Yes, even in the church. But that is okay. It is ultimately only His approval we need.

      May the Lord empower us to shine brightly for Him in this dark and dying world. May He use us to throw life preservers to many other people so that they might receive Jesus and eternal life.

      Much love!

  4. Number 6…. I’m having a hard time with that one. Please pray for me to think on things that are from above. Philippians 4:8

    I know that battle starts in my mind and to keep all thoughts captive to Christ. This shouldn’t be difficult with the help of the Holy Spirit but I am battling! I know I’m having small victories so I praise God for that! Also, praying the armour of God over myself and husband as well. Ephesians 6:11-18

    Thanks for the post April.
    🙂

  5. Hi ladies!

    April thank you for this blog post. I have been on this journey for close to two years now, and I will say, things are still very hard. However, I have gotten to know God on such greater levels in these two years. Even though I continue to make mistakes, and sometimes fall back in old ways (and need to go back to the Lord) I can say He is faithful to extend grace to us that is sufficient and He is so long suffering to us! My marriage is still rocky in many ways. I won’t lie and say things are perfect. But, I’ve come to find I can find contentment even during these trials. Would like to encourage others to just trust in the Lord and His goodness and just rest in Him, such a good place to be!

    1. The Lords Handmaiden,

      I’m so sorry to hear that things are very hard still. I know that Greg was pretty withdrawn for the first 3.5 years of my journey. Then at that point, he began to feel safe with me again. It sure gave me a lot of time to ask God to refine my motives and to learn to depend on the Lord alone no matter what Greg did.

      I’m so thankful to hear that you are finding contentment in Christ even in the trials. That is beautiful!

      Thank you for sharing with our sisters. Praying for the Lord’s healing for you, your husband, and your marriage.

      If you want to talk about anything, I’m here. I’d be glad to point you to resources and to more healing in Christ.

      Much love!
      April

  6. A zillion thank you’s for this very practically helpful post. I’m sitting here thinking to myself “Ohhhhhhh…that makes sense now! No wonder!” I know there is uniqueness in every situation and relationship and your response to ‘the very important questions’ was as helpful as the original post, but all I can say is for me, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head!!!
    This post is a keeper for me, I need to print it off and examine my words to my husband in light of it.
    This kind of practical help is not only precisely what I need, it’s also an answer to prayer.
    May God bless you sister, with more of what you have recieved from the Him, as you give it away x x x

    1. Isaiah6510,

      I’m so thankful to the Lord that this has been such a blessing to you. And yes, no two situations are exactly the same. So – we do need to seek the Lord and His Spirit for wisdom for our particular situations.

      I know I sure needed this kind of information very early on. I didn’t have it. And I think that is part of why it took me SO LONG to “get it” and to see healing in myself and in Greg. But – I am honored that I am able to share some wisdom that I had to learn the hard way so that maybe my sisters in Christ will have a bit more help than I did.

      I can’t wait to see all that the Lord has in store for you!

      Yes, may God pour all of His goodness, love, truth, and healing through me into the lives of my sweet sisters for their edification, growth, and blessing.

      Much love!

  7. When it comes to dealing with another person’s sin:

    Jesus admonishes us to take the beam out of our own eye first so that we may see clearly to remove the speck in our brother’s eye. Matt. 7:1-5
    We also have Matt. 18:15-17 where we are to confront our brother privately about his sin. If he doesn’t repent, we are to take several godly witnesses with us to address and confront his sin appropriately, and if he still won’t repent, we are to take him before the church. Then if he won’t repent, the church is to administer discipline.
    But when we address another person’s sin, we are to watch ourselves that we not be tempted into sin ourselves. Gal. 6:1

  8. Honestly, the churches where I grew up, I don’t recall us talking about marriage much at all, or roles. Some of the churches – the only sermons on Sunday mornings were about salvation. Every single Sunday. And Sunday School was just mostly about learning about the Bible in a historical way and to know the verses. But it wasn’t much application.

    I don’t recall anyone being confronted about sin much.

    Also, for those who have not experienced how abusive some people can be, they may just not have the knowledge and experience to deal with some of the more difficult situations.

  9. First of all I would like to say that English is not my native language and I think that you – Mrs April could correct my mistakes if you want to.

    Reading your posts has helpt me to be more forgiving to women. I feel encouraged not to think “what other people should do”, but think what I should do. It really helps, but sometimes I think if such thinking doesn’t have some borders. I mean I feel like I’ve been hurt by women when I was growing up (it was the time when my personality was forming) and it was painful, but probably more painful have been problems after those situations. I have been trying to find help to talk about it with some female psychologists (non-Christian and Christian). When talking to those psychologists I realised that it is much easier for them to talk about men’s sins then women’s sins. I thought I should think about my sins, responsibilities, but I feel like my bitterness towards women is still there. I feel like something is wrong with showing my own and men’s sins and not showing women’s sins. I feel sometimes tired of this situation and ask myself a question: what’s wrong? Do I make something wrong or do they? I understand that I am a sinner, that I don’t understand women etc., but I feel like something is wrong, l feel more and more withdrawn.

    I know that we are from different continents and there are some cultural differences. Probably American women are different than Polish women.

    I also would like to say that you don’t have to respond to my message if you don’t know what to read. Just wanted to share my doubts.

    Thank you.

    1. Thank you for your support.

      I think I will pray and consider what to do. Your proposal for help is a big thing for me.
      Maybe I will try to talk about those topics with my therapist more open, but I don’t want to hurt her or manipulate saying her that she does something wrong etc. Sometimes I don’t how to say what I think about someone’s behaviour with love. I have to think about it.

      I must add that your articles, videos have helpt me believe in Godly feminity, which is important to me.

      Thank you

      1. Man from Poland,

        Whatever you would like to do – I trust the Lord will lead you. I’m here if you want to talk. Unfortunately, not everyone is ready to talk about these particular topics. May the Lord richly bless your walk with Him and may you find all of the spiritual and emotional healing that is available to you in Jesus.

  10. I believe this is confirmation for me. I’ve been praying for God to change me in order for my husband to be won. The more I read and learn, the more I want to share/teach my husband. The more I share, the more he reject. I reached out for spiritual advice and was told exactly what you wrote. My husband is the head and to focus on changing myself and allow God to change him.

    I enjoyed this read and I truly believe this is confirmation that God is the only one who can change my husband. I will continue to work on myself and have faith in God to do the rest.

    1. Monica,
      This sounds like an awesome plan. I know it is tempting to want to share everything we are learning. There may be a time in the future when that is totally fine. But I am so excited you are on this journey now.

      Praying for God’s healing and blessing for you both and for your husband’s salvation!
      Much love,
      April

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: