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Facing Uncertainty and Trials with Joy

Every believer faces tests where we crash up against suffering, trials, and the unknown. We don’t like that! We want to feel like we know what is going to happen. We want guarantees. Timelines. Promises. We want to feel like we have control. Sometimes, we would rather even push for a bad outcome if only we can just “get closure” and not have to bob around in an ocean of not-knowing any longer.

It is often the waiting and not knowing one way or the other that seems like such torture.

This issue is not confined to uncertainty in our marriages, it covers everything in our lives.

How can I possibly rest in the peace and sovereignty of God when there is constant uncertainty and no way for me to know what will happen?

GOD’S WORD ABOUT TRIALS AND SUFFERING FOR BELIEVERS IN CHRIST

  • Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5-6
  • I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33
  • We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance. Rom. 5:3
  • For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Rom. 8:18
  • Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Rom. 12:12
  • Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7
  • Endure suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? Heb. 12:7
  • Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
  • Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
  • Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 1 Pet. 4:12

I believe that if we can understand that God has purpose behind the suffering we experience and behind the times we have to wait in uncertainty, we can embrace the good things He wants to accomplish in our lives during those times.

These trials are often gifts and blessings from Him in disguise IF we are willing to trust Him completely and receive all that He has for us in them.

GOD HAS MUCH GREATER GOALS IN MIND

We tend to think primarily about our current comfort level, health, and happiness. We focus on our human wisdom and what seems best to us in the moment.

God focuses on:

  • Conforming us, our husbands, children, and others in our lives to the image of Christ over the long term.
  • His Kingdom and how He wants it to grow and how He wants to use our situations in our lives to help accomplish bringing more of His beloved children to Christ.

This kind of spiritual growth doesn’t happen when we get everything we want and have smooth sailing.

We tend to grow the most when we get really stretched by difficulties.

It is similar to the way that if we don’t use our muscles, they will atrophy and get weak. Our faith is like that. In order for our faith to grow, it has to face resistance. When we have times of difficulty and times where we don’t know what will happen, we are forced to learn to depend on the Lord in ways that we just wouldn’t if things were going well.

This takes much spiritual wrestling sometimes. And that is okay! Times of waiting and suffering are hard. But they often produce great results when they are in the right hands:

  • If land never has rain or storms, it becomes a barren desert.
  • If gold is not refined, it contains many impurities that weaken it and make it much less valuable.
  • If a farmer will not wait for his crops to grow, he will never get to enjoy the harvest.
  • If a fruit tree is not properly pruned, the branches grow in crazy ways that cause the limbs of the tree to break as the fruit begins to get heavy. The tree can’t produce as much fruit and the fruit is not nearly as sweet for an unpruned tree. It also looks terrible – broken branches everywhere and no pleasing shape.

God knows what our souls need to grow and to become very valuable in His sight. If we are able to trust God’s heart for us, we can know that whatever pain or time of waiting and uncertainty we face, He absolutely can and will use it for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory. That is a promise to those who are in Christ – Romans 8:28-29!

PRAYER WHEN WE ARE FACING THE UNKNOWN, TRIALS, AND SUFFERING:

Lord,

You alone are God. There is no other. You reign in majesty and splendor from the throne room of the highest heaven over all of the universe. You are sovereign. You are good. You are love. You have all wisdom. You have all truth. You can’t have evil motives toward me. You are an Expert at turning disasters and tragedies into beautiful things for Your glory. You are the Healer. You are my Strength and my Shield, a very present Help in trouble. You are my Very Great Reward. There is no greater treasure in the universe than You. You spared nothing to provide for my salvation when I was still Your enemy. You sent Jesus to live and die in my place. Now His holiness, goodness, power, peace, joy, and right-standing with You are mine. His life, death, and resurrection belong to me. I am seated with Him in the heavenlies already!

You are intimately aware of all of my fears, my suffering, my needs, and my concerns. I thank You for that. You walk this road with me, living in me, empowering me with Your Spirit. I lay down every single fear and all of my desires and dreams. Here are the things I desire…

But – more than any of these things, I desire You. I want to know You and love You more. I want to give You total access and freedom in my life  to conform me to the image of Christ in whatever ways You know are best. I want Your glory. I want others to be drawn to Christ. I want Your kingdom to come into this situation and many to come to Jesus. I want to receive all the spiritual treasures You have for me to learn. I don’t want to waste a moment of this trial – but have my eyes open to all You have in store – for the adventure that awaits.

I praise and thank You now for all You are doing and all You will do through this very situation for Your good purposes in my life and in my husband’s life and in our family. I entrust it all to Your strong, capable hands. I know You will never fail me. I know You will never leave me or forsake me. I cling to Your Word and Your promises. I will sing praises to You even in the storm, knowing You will cause this storm to bear much fruit in my life.

Amen!

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How have you learned to approach trials and suffering with joy, anticipation, and faith?

 

 

179 thoughts on “Facing Uncertainty and Trials with Joy

  1. Thankyou April,
    My family and i have gone thru a horrible time these past 7 months. All caused by my father. Its affected my health emotionally and physically. And finally today i spoke with a lawyer and he gave me the best news i think ive heard in months. Ive prayed constantly that God would bring this to a close. And we may just see the light at the end of the tunnel. This post means a lot. I sure wish it had been around 8 months ago!
    Blessings,
    Anon M

    1. Anon M,

      That is so heartbreaking to hear! 🙁 My heart hurts with you and your family. I’m glad to hear that maybe there is good news coming. And very glad this post is a blessing today.

      I wish I had this post about 23 years ago myself!

      Much love,
      April

  2. Thank you April. I’m still going through my trials with my husband. He has given me such small signs of softening his heart. I thank the Lord for continuing to give me hope right when I was about to give up. I am accepting of whatever outcome the Lord puts before me. I needed this article to remind me to be patient, and to remember that the Lord loves me and ultimately has good purposes for these trials.

    1. NewlyBorn,

      If you can learn to keep your eyes on Christ instead of on your husband and your circumstances, and you are open to all that the Lord has to teach you even in the hardships – you will be amazed at the things God will share with you and the work He will do in you. 🙂

      In fact, eventually, you will even learn to thank God for the trials and pain because you will realize that He has many good things in store in those times if you are willing to trust Him.

      God often uses the long time it takes (for our husbands to feel more secure and safe with us again) to refine our motives. I know He did that with me. I needed that long time of Greg still being unplugged and passive after I began my journey to really cement it in my mind and heart that I was seeking to change only for the Lord and to please Him – not to get my husband to do what I wanted him to do for me.

      I can’t wait to see all that the Lord has in store for you. Continue to seek Him wholeheartedly and allow Him to use the pain and the trial to accomplish His good work in your heart and life. 🙂 He is VERY good at doing this.

      Much love to you!
      April

      1. Thanks April. I wondered why it seems to take a long time for our husbands to feel more secure and safe. My husband is going through a lot of issues in his heart, and it is painful wondering which way things are going to go. You’re right though, I need to stop putting my focus on my husband, and work towards Christ.

        1. NewlyBorn,

          Here are some posts about why it takes husbands some time to be supportive:

          Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive of Me As I Seek to Change?
          How Husbands Often Respond in the Beginning of This Journey
          A Husband Answers a Wife’s Question – “Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”
          23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again
          When a Husband “Doesn’t Buy” His Wife’s Changes
          An Interview with My Husband – by Peacefulwife
          Things Got Worse When I Began to Change – by the Restored Wife

          Yes, it will take time for him to believe these changes are real and not a phase or a fad. That is actually a blessing – because it will cause you to learn to depend on Christ alone. 🙂

          Much love!

  3. Good morning!
    I am possibly facing the most difficult time of my entire life within the next week or two, as my husband is ready to leave and wants to tell our 3 kids. I have been battling this “war” with him for many months so I am in a good place for myself, but for it to impact the kids is devastating. God has been sending me many messages, through so many places, that I know the kids will have God with them always, but it still makes it very very difficult to see. I see my husband fighting with himself and the pain I know he’s going through. He doesn’t see another way to be “happy” than to leave ME. He gets frustrated with me and says I’m being “fake” when I’m joyful and happy. He can’t see that it’s my choice and God’s power that allows me to be so. Nothing is impossible with God… Please pray that my husband’s heart and mind will be changed before this crushes our children’s tender hearts. They’ve always only known a loving, supportive mom and dad. If it is God’s will… Thank you again for a very timely post April. Have a blessed and joyful week.

    1. Dear Trying,
      Sending prayers your way. I’m in the same situation, although my husband has not said he is ready to tell our son yet.

    2. Trying,

      Ugh. It is so much more difficult when our children are impacted – and it is not just ourselves who will be hurt.

      This is where I am so thankful for God’s sovereignty. Yes people have free will. And yet, at the same time, the Lord is sovereign. PRAISE GOD FOR THAT! I know that He absolutely can and will use even this terrible trial, if they must face it, ultimately to accomplish good things in their lives. Perhaps He will let them see your godly example and faith, your peace and joy that is supernatural, in the midst of the storm. And they will realize that God has changed you so much and that they want what you have.

      I will pray that God might spare them from this if it is possible. But even if your husband goes through with his desire to leave – I know that things are not over. That is not the final chapter. It may be that your husband needs some time to himself to really figure things out. It may be that as you respond with dignity, poise, compassion, grace, understanding, respect, and peace over a long period of time – your husband may be convinced that the changes in you are real. God may use your response to his leaving to draw him to Christ.

      My greatest desire for you is for you to cling to Christ, abide in Him, trust Him, be filled to overflowing with His Spirit. Do whatever He calls you to do in His power. And we will entrust your husband and children together to the Lord to work in their lives.

      I pray you will be open to all that the Lord has for you in the midst of this stormy trial. And that you will allow His Spirit to have full control. Perhaps, your prayers may be answered through a path that you would not have chosen.

      Much love to you!

      1. An update and a question…
        My husband has told our children and we are about 40 days from our 17+ year marriage ending in divorce. He is still in our home and I am struggling with all these emotions. I am very close to God and feel he is with me all of the time. I have an inner-peace about the future that is wonderful, but it still hurts and is difficult. It’s so incredibly hard to move forward with all the things that I have to do to make sure myself and my children are taken care of, but also be respectful towards my husband and not acting desperate and crushed by everything he has done. I have to do unbearable things like dividing furniture and crafting a schedule with many days away from my children…it’s unbelievable.

        He continues to engage in an emotional affair with another woman but claims it’s just friendship. He makes sure to check in with me wherever he is–presumably to account for his physical time so I can’t accuse him of an affair, by his definition. It is heart-breaking and makes me sick to my stomach whenever I see him.

        I want our marriage to be restored. But I understand that God may have different plans for him, for now. He’s got a lot of healing and growing to do. It is so painful during this process and I am dreading the next 40 days. I don’t know how to act towards him. I am ALWAYS respectful and will continue to be so, but I don’t know if I should act aloof or happy or sad or or or…. He pounces on me whenever there’s a miscommunication and blames me for everything. I have told him, respectfully, that it’s not okay to talk to me this way.

        It is so hard!!!! I would love any suggestions and support on how to get through each day and how to treat him. It would be nice to have him away already through this, but then the kids would be too and I can’t bear that. I have such a close connection with all 3 of them and they have been such a blessing through this. I want to have faith but I’m so tired….

        1. Hi Trying,

          It sounds to me like you are handling the situation pretty well. To me, having that inner peace is a real indication that you are on the right path with how you are handling it.

          But, it is going to hurt. A lot. And that is ok. It is ok to hurt and it is ok that your husband knows it. Dividing furniture and sorting out who has the kids when isn’t a normal or good thing. It is unnatural and it is normal that it upsets you. It may feel unfair that someone you planned to be with for life even has the ability to put you in a situation where you can’t see your own children! It sure did feel like that for me. Still does actually.

          Your husband is going to feel guilty for the separation. No matter what the reasons behind it, noone can leave a marriage without having a sense of guilt about it. This is likely to make him more snappy and try to blame you for a lot more, in an effort to make himself feel less guilty. It is important but difficult, in my experience, to try to sort through the way it feels when you receive these accusations. It can be easy to take the accusations on board and overload yourself with feelings of guilt that aren’t justified. It may be helpful to find a trusted counsellor in your area who can help you sort through these accusations so that you can legitimately and respectfully apologize for any genuine wrongs that you may be committing against him, but also avoid taking ownership of things that you do not have to.

          Let the kids talk. I don’t know how old your kids are, but I know for my 4YO daughter it was especially important for her to “believe” in mummy. I have been very careful to ensure that I always paint a good picture of my ex wife in their eyes. When they get older, they will make their own decisions about what they think.

          I am sorry to hear that things have gone this way for you. There is nothing easy about a divorce. Noone wins. I pray for God’s strength to continue. HH

          1. HH,
            Thank you much for your response. You really hit it on the head. I have had to learn to take one day at a time and I’ve realized in the last couple days that I actually need to now take every MINUTE one at a time. I need to take more control of my thoughts than I have been and stop the negativity. It helped a lot to do this last night. Instead of “planning” what I was going to say before my husband came home from work, I just went with what I felt the Holy Spirit was calling me to do at that moment. I was cheerful and asked him about his day and it seemed to be the right thing in the way he responded. I often do this because it’s just normal for me now, but when I try and plan it out because I think he should know I’m hurting, or I think I should try and be a different way so he’ll come back or whatever, it seems to backfire. Hello God!

            Thank you for the reminder about my kids. I have 2 girls, 12 and 14 and a little boy, 7. The girls are having a really hard time with it and I am struggling not to paint their dad as bad at all. I don’t think he is, but they see him leaving and him filing for divorce and then they see me happy and not giving up and its pretty clear to them. They love him and he is a great dad, but they are at the age where “fun” isn’t as important as other things; I’m not sure he quite understands this yet.

            I know that he feels tremendous guilt. And for him, this will not get easier as he moves out. The kids’ feelings are just starting to surface and he is still in the house. Once he leaves, especially for the boy, he will see the pain. The kids talk to me about everything and just have ‘fun’ with dad. They have all expressed concern… “will Dad still go with us to xyz after he leaves?”. It’s those spontaneous things that I know he’ll be missing. God reminds me daily that these are his to figure out and HIS to help him figure out.

            Thank you again HH. I follow this blog religiously and know your story well. I have been praying for you and your family. I admire the trust you have placed in God and it serves as inspiration for me every day. It is amazing that people from all over the world can be connecting and inspiring and helping others. Thank you and God Bless you and your children and your wife too!!!

          2. Hi Trying,

            You are very welcome, I will continue to pray for you. Thank you so much for praying for my family, especially the children. I do not consider my ex-wife to be my wife anymore, but I can (and do) still treat her with dignity, respect and care. I have replaced my wedding band with a silver ring embossed with the word Jesus 3 times. It serves as a picture to me that even if an earthly marriage covenant can be broken, the covenant I have with Christ is an unbreakable covenant. Wearing it on the wedding finger also helps avoid unwanted female attention ☺

            April mentioned that it is important to see this as a spiritual test as well. I believe this to be very true. I have noticed that the more I find God’s peace and presence the more the battle “heats up”. If your husband is not walking with Christ and listening to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, unfortunately He can be a mouthpiece for the enemy in very powerful ways. But, you can also be a mouthpiece for Christ, and that is far more powerful ☺ Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world!!

            Treat him with respect still. God will honour that, I can testify to that. I have honoured my ex-wife emotionally, spiritually and financially and God has and is bringing me through in wonderful ways. I can testify that I have a very consistent, deep joy and I have been provided for materially and loved emotionally and spiritually through it all. Vindication is not ours, it is the Lord’s, and He will hold your husband accountable for his actions if he does not repent.

            All, I would value your prayer this week. The past two weeks I have a situation that is proving to be a big test to me. One of the men my ex-wife was sleeping with is pursuing a reconciliation with me and is now attending my church again. I have been very clear to him that he is forgiven and I have demonstrated that to him many times, even preached on the subject and welcomed him back to church with a warm hug. However, I am finding that having him at church is difficult in some ways. The enemy is using him to whisper to my heart “HH, you are not a man!!! Look at what she dropped you for! Him, and him, and him. If she wanted all of them, what does that make you?! You are pathetic!!” In my head I know that her choices are really an indication of where she is spiritually, not an indication of my masculinity. However, in my heart I think I have not quite got to that point. I would value your prayer and God’s presence in this, as I seek to honour Him. I know God will bring me through and I know God has a way out for my heart ☺

            As I was praying for this man last Sunday night, asking God to help me heal in a deeper way on this specific issue and to love this man and see him through God’s eyes, he texted me. He wanted to ask if there was anything he could do to help make me feel better could I please, please, please let him know. And that he would stay away from church if it was too hard for me to see him. I want to press forward in love and reconciliation, I believe this is God’s desire for me and I think his text is a confirmation of that desire, and I would value your prayer to have a real awareness of my masculinity in Christ when I talk to this man and that there would be an overflowing of strength and love in me for him, like Joseph had for his brothers.

            Love to all of you precious PW brothers and sisters in Christ. HH

          3. HH,

            Thank you for sharing these things with us. Yes, when someone is not walking with Christ, they can allow Satan to use their words, attitudes, and actions to accomplish his purposes. They can easily become Satan’s mouthpiece. We have to carefully weigh what people say and reject anything that does not align with God’s Word. We only want to receive messages from the Lord, not from the devil.

            Lord,
            I thank and praise You for all that You have done in and through HH in the past year and a half. Your work in his life is glorious! I thank You for all that You are doing and will continue to do in his life, in his ex-wife’s life, and in their children’s lives. I also thank and praise You for all that You will do for the glory of Your Name in his church and community even through this intense storm he has had to endure.

            Help him to continue to see and recognize the lies of Satan and let him shoot them down by Your power and take his thoughts captive. Help him continue to abide in You and keep his eyes on You, not being shaken by any temptations or the circumstances around him. Help him to be able to not take his wife’s sin against You personally, realizing she is ensnared by the devil and taken captive to do his will right now. If she knew Christ, she would not be acting in any of these unfaithful ways and she would be mortified and extremely repentant over her sin. Help him not look to her behavior and sin to find his worth as a man. Let him look only to Jesus and the cross for his identity and value. Help him really be able to receive this truth in his heart.

            Empower HH to love this man who has sinned so severely against You and against HH. Help him to respond in Your wisdom, love, Spirit, and power. Let Your Name be greatly exalted because of his obedience and because of Your power in his life. Use this other man in mighty ways in Your kingdom to reach many who are wayward and lost and broken. Be greatly glorified in his life! Bring Your Spirit of unity and drive out the flesh, sin, and division.

            Amen!

          4. Amen. Thank you sister, I value your prayer. And very happy to hear how your daughter is handling her broken arm and that your heart rhythm has settled! In Him, HH

          5. April,

            You are welcome, for His glory. I have been praying for you, your daughter and your family. Sounds like a tough time!

            In Christ, HH

          6. HH,
            Thanks so much! My heart rhythm seems to have stabilized. Super thankful for that! And our daughter was able to get a waterproof cast Monday. That was a huge and unexpected blessing. We had never heard of those before. She was so excited to be able to take a shower. We had some children staying with us for two nights this weekend, and I was up with one of the girls Sunday night until after 2:30am. She was having panic attacks, severe nausea, and homesickness until her dad came to get her. I was up after that until 4:30. So I just needed a day or two to try to get a bit of rest. Things are going a lot better the past two days. Children are enjoying the summer. We have been going on walks, studying some important spiritual topics (authority and submission right now), doing chores, having friends over. I have been trying to teach them some new responsibilities, too. It has been awesome!

            I have been amazed to see our daughter living out so many of the things we have talked about over the past few years – approaching trials with joy, looking to God to bring good from the bad things, having a positive attitude, being thankful and peaceful in a trial, praising God in the trial. We talked about all of those things together again. And she has truly been living it. SO beautiful to see!

            Thank you very much for the prayers! I appreciate it so much!

        2. Trying,

          I am so thankful for HH’s words of wisdom for you. I believe they will be such a blessing to you.

          And I agree, this is going to be painful. There is no way around that. But what I think is helpful is to keep an eternal perspective. It would be easy to get mired down in thinking on the next 40 days. But your life and eternity is about much more than those few days. This is one snapshot in time. God may use this painful time of trial to show your husband His glory in your attitude and in your life. He may use your husband leaving to draw your husband to Himself. It may take some time before you see what God is doing.

          You can be sad and yet also compassionate and respectful. You can realize that he is held captive by Satan right now and that he needs the deliverance that only Christ can bring. You can also recognize that this is a big time spiritual test from the enemy – who wants to see you fall. And yet, God is right here providing all of the strength and resources in Christ to help you walk in victory in this great storm.

          I’m glad you are respectfully letting him know it is not okay to speak to you disrespectfully.

          Spend as much time in Christ, in His Word, and in praise and thanksgiving as possible, my dear sister. He is your lifeline!

          Approach each day with eager anticipation to see what the Lord will do that day. Keep your eyes on Him, not on your husband or what he says. God can change your husband’s heart and his mind. God can orchestrate people and events that can reach him. And God can reach him with His Spirit. Your job is simply to shine for Christ and to be the woman He calls you to be, to set a holy example in your attitude, demeanor, and approach. Don’t receive anything from your husband that is not from the Lord. Let Jesus be your power source. Embrace anything He has for you, any treasures and blessings along the way. Be open to anything He wants to teach you or change in your thinking and your heart. Allow Him full access and power in your mind and in your life.

          Stand on your spiritual tiptoes to look down through the decades and through eternity to think about what will ultimately matter in the end. Imagine Jesus standing behind your husband as he is talking to you. Let Him direct your words and your heart. As you abide in Him, He can and will give you the words to say and the way to say them.

          Praying for the Lord to uphold you with His mighty hand! Psalm may be a wonderful book to read each day during these 40 days. Interesting that number – 40. That is always a number in the Bible that signifies a trial or test. Sometimes it also signifies God’s judgment on sin.

          Noah – 40 days and nights of rain.
          Jonah – in 40 days Ninevah will be overthrown if people don’t repent.
          Jesus – 40 days in the wilderness to be tested by the devil.
          Moses- spent 40 years in Egypt, 40 years in the desert as a shepherd, and 40 years leading Israel in the desert.
          Israel – spent 400 years in captivity in Egypt.
          Joshua – the spies spent 40 days surveying the land of Canaan before bringing back their report.

          An interesting article on that number – https://www.gotquestions.org/40-days-Bible.html

          You are going through this time of trial. But you are not alone. God is with you. The body of Christ is with you. Angel armies are with you. Don’t depend on your physical sight. Ask God to grow your faith and to help you grow spiritually during this time, that you might respond in His power and in victory. This is a hard time, but it can be a time of great rejoicing and praising the Lord as you wait expectantly for Him to intervene and to accomplish His purposes and His glory. We will pray for your husband’s soul and his salvation. If he is truly a Christian, and he gets alone, he should hear the Lord’s voice more clearly – speaking to him to repent and to restore the marriage covenant.

          Remember, you don’t have to convict him or change his heart. You just be the woman God calls you to be. You are setting an example for him and for your children that should blow their minds and help point them to Christ.

          Much love!

          1. Trying,
            And if he is not a Christian, we will pray that the Lord will reach him. That is the most important thing here. His salvation. And then healing for both of you and your children spiritually in Christ.

          2. Thank you April. The 40 days stood out to me too when I typed that. Our “date” is a weekend so the 40 days could be any day now depending on how the court works it. I like that. I believe I will be fasting and praying extra extra hard on this. Thank you for the article too.

            He is a Christian but I think has been seduced by Satan and the world’s promises of “happiness”. It’s very hard to watch this change. It has been so sudden and overwhelming that I often don’t think I know him anymore. It’s easy to hear Satan telling me to let go of it all completely, be vindictive in the divorce proceedings and just be “done”. So I guess if it’s easy for ME to hear, I can just imagine how easy those things are to hear when you’re not steeped in God’s truth.

            Thank you for these reminders and thoughts. 40 days……plus the rest of our lives…

          3. Trying,

            Yes, it is very hard to watch this train wreck happening. You know the ending will be a disaster if he continues on this path. Right now, he is in the far country. He is a prodigal. He does have free will and can leave. He can choose to break the marriage covenant. My prayer is that sooner, rather than later, he will realize what he is doing. That God will wake him up. That he will see that he is chasing Satan’s way that leads to death.

            Stay where you are with the Lord. Don’t be shaken or moved. Continue to pray. Surround yourself with prayer warriors.

            Yes, Satan is definitely at work. And he would love for you to be bitter, hateful, resentful, etc… He would love to destroy you. He would love to destroy your whole family.

            But Jesus is greater than Satan. Praise God for that! We will pray for Him to reach your husband as only He can and that you won’t get in the way of God’s work, but that He will empower you to be a shining example, a blazing candle on a lamp stand that leads back to Life and Jesus. He won’t be able to hear you preach or lecture at him. But he will see your example, and, eventually, as he realizes you are not sinning against him – and he is sinning against you – perhaps he will wake up.

            Much love and the biggest hug!

  4. This may be out of subject from other comments…but both my husband and I by God’s grace are born again. I have pcos, I get my period irregularly if at all. We have been trying for over a year for a 3rd child, we have 2 beautiful daughters already that were unplanned but God had mercy on me even when I was yet a sinner. This does resignate with me because this is teaching me to Trust in the Lord completely and wait patiently for His blessing. I want it NOW, but I have to learn to wait and focus on The Lord and His Kingdom and let Him do what I can not do. I know our third child will be here soon, I have seen him in my dreams in my arms. I believe in God’s promises and I have to have faith.

    1. Roseey,

      This comment is about this subject. Thank you for sharing! Yes! God’s timing and His will is perfect. You can rest in Him and trust in Him about your desire for another child. He has a heart for women who long for children. And sometimes, in the long time of waiting, He creates a much stronger faith and trust in a mom’s heart to prepare her to be the godly mom He desires her to be. I’m so thrilled that you are going to be willing to lay your dream down and trust in God’s timing and praise and thank Him for all He will do in your heart in the time of waiting and uncertainty.

      Much love to you!

    1. Briefly, if a husband says he wants to go, a godly wife can:

      – Share that she wants him to stay and wants to work on the marriage (if she believes that is what God is calling her to do).
      – But then, respect that he wants to go and let him go.
      – Be sad, yes, but unshakeable in Christ.
      – Pray for God to reach her husband because God can reach him in ways she never could.
      – Continue to focus on her spiritual growth and walk with Christ.
      – Seek to love, teach, nurture, and care for her children.
      – Surround herself with strong believers, solid doctrine, and prayer warriors.
      – Use any opportunities of interaction to demonstrate a godly attitude, respect, and honor for her husband (not for any sin in his life).
      – Set a godly example for her husband, her children, and those around her.
      – Invite God to use this fiery trial for great good in her life, her husband’s life, their children’s lives, to bless the body of Christ, and to bring many to salvation.
      – Stay in the Word and in prayer and study godly books about growing in faith.

      Here are some posts that may be a blessing:

      When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done”
      A Peaceful Separated Wife’s Story
      A Separated Wife Finally Begins to Experience the Peace of God in Her Life
      “My Two Year Anniversary As a Peaceful Separated Wife”
      A Husband Experiences Gods’ Power in the Face of a Fierce Storm
      Hold the Things of This World Loosely
      My Primary Goal As a Wife Has to Be This One Thing
      How to Make Your Husband an Idol
      Fully Trusting God with My Husband – Laying Down All My Fears
      FreeinChrist Stands for Something Way Bigger Than Her Marriage
      I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
      I Am Responsible for My Emotions
      Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced
      Should You Strive to Keep or Please Your Husband at ANY Cost?

      Much love to each of you!

      1. Thank you so much for this list! It is such a Blessing to have found your blog! You will never know how much it means to me. Thank you for sharing with me and others how to stay focused on God no matter the circumstance. God Bless you!

        1. Angie,

          You are most welcome. I am honored to get the opportunity to share these treasures of Christ with you. Can’t wait to hear all that God has in store for you, my sister!

  5. April, Some days there are simply no words to describe the gratitude I feel for your calm, reassuring, faithful Christ-like presence here.
    Thank you sister. Not only for what you say, but how you say it…and that you just keep showing up, a willing vessel.
    Bless you and your family!

    1. Nicole,

      Isn’t it incredible that God allows us to encourage each other on this amazing adventure with Him? I am so honored to get to be here. Thank you for your encouragement. That blessed me greatly. 🙂 I’m so excited to see how God will use all of the trials we face and the times of uncertainty for His kingdom and His glory. Isn’t it so wonderful that none of our time in Him is wasted? None of our obedience and trust in Him is wasted? It is all used by Him to create something beautiful!

      Much love!
      April

  6. My dearest April, how i thank God for using you, specifically with this post. What a word in season for me. My family is going through a challenge concerning the development of my daughter (would highly appreciate it if you say a little prayer for her. Her name is Fortress). Actually today was one of those days I felt very low. Thank you so much for taking your time and write this post so profoundly. May God continue to use you. I believe soon I will give a testimony.

    From your sister in Christ in Botswana. I hope you still remember that you have a follower there.

    1. Golfing,

      Thank you for sharing all the way from Botswana. How amazing that we can all share together here from all over the world! That still blows my mind.

      I’m so thankful that this was a blessing to you.

      Lord,
      We lift up Fortress to Your loving, good, sovereign hands. We ask for Your greatest glory, for Your wisdom, and discernment for her parents and for all who are involved. We ask for You to intervene in her life and in this family’s life to accomplish Your good purposes. We praise and thank You for this trial and the good You desire to bring from it. Help Golang and her family rest in Your love and provision. Use this time to increase their faith, to help them grow spiritually, and to be a blessing to all who know them for Your Kingdom.
      In Christ’s Name,
      Amen!

      Much love to you and I am sending you a huge hug!

  7. Dear April,

    What a tremendous encouragement this post is, pointing us towards the only one who can carry us through times of uncertainty, pain, betrayal, discomfort and trials.

    I want to share a few things that the Lord has shown me over the past couple of years of trials, to encourage anyone who reads this blog. This Easter was the most powerful Easter I have ever had, purely because of the trials that I have experienced. It is no wonder that we will spend eternity worshipping Christ! He is altogether lovely, I’m not sure that I can find the right words to describe it but I will try. When we suffer due to the betrayal of other people, it gives us an opportunity to understand and appreciate the depth of the sacrifice that Christ made for us. Christ looked at people who were spitting on him, crucifying him and said Father forgive. He looked on them with love, wanting only that they would turn in repentance and receive His love.

    The garden of Gethsemane, where Christ sweat (literal/metaphorical?) drops of blood, where He considered the cross and all that it meant and then chose to walk in obedience to His father for OUR good. Can you imagine? What if someone came into your home, took your daughter, raped her, and then killed her. Could you look that person in the eye and take their punishment for them? This is the love that Christ has for us! In a totally unique way, experiencing grief allows us to understand in a deeper way the love of Christ. And He came to bear our grief on His cross.

    The book of Ephesians is a powerful book. Verse 20 stood out to me recently “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” I have often seen this scripture in the light of material things, that God is able to do more than I ask or imagine and provide for me more than I can think of. And, God IS able to do that with material things, BUT that is not the primary goal of this scripture.

    This scripture is talking about the treasures of the heart! It is talking about what God can do in our heart, more than we can possibly ask or imagine. Interestingly, verse 13 of the same chapter talks about the suffering of Paul for God’s glory, then it goes on to describe how he longs for the Ephesian church to experience the full measure of Christ’s love in our “inner being,” the new life of Christ. It struck me very strongly that Christ was offered the whole of the world in His temptation, but that wasn’t the “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine”.

    No, the “immeasurably more” was the love that led him to the cross! The immeasurably more was the giving up of all of the material things because of love for you, I and the world. THAT is above all. THAT is totally foreign to our human nature. THAT blows my mind. I can’t put words to that. As I experience the betrayal and grief over being sinned against so heavily, it strikes me with so much more power just how deep the love of God is. The whole world’s sin on Him! Wow. And that same power is at work in us, strengthening us to forgive the unforgivable, to stand when all is naturally lost, to know peace in the midst of the most terrible storms. That is the “immeasurably more” that Paul was writing of.

    The cross shows us that when all is considered lost, broken and unredeemable, God is still in control. His plans and purposes are still being worked out for His glory and for the good of those who have been redeemed by Him. This sermon I found very powerful recently. It is about one of the chapters in the bible that I have always disliked, the story of Tamar and Judah. What a horrible display of mans depravity! And yet, we see God working to accomplish His ends and promises even using mans sin. Wow!!!

    Over the last two years, I have been broken again, and again, and again. The Lord has allowed me to experience every type of loss and betrayal a man could experience, and just when I think it is all over another thing happens. But, I can testify that through it all the presence, leading, encouragement and love of God through the Holy Spirit has been present. I have thought much about whether I should write anything publicly on your blog over the situations that have occurred and I have decided not to write about it. But, I can share two small examples where the Lord has provided for me recently through what would have appeared to be a bad situation.

    1. A few weeks ago I wrote off my car. I hit a kangaroo (now you all know the country I am from!) at 100km/h and the car was deemed an economical write off. This accident occurred whilst I am going through the divorce process, meeting with lawyers, my house was for sale and so forth. Under natural circumstances, a car accident like this is a terrible blow. It could have ended with me in hospital.

    But, the car accident has turned into such a blessing!

    Firstly, I was not harmed at all. Not a scratch, despite the impact destroying the bonnet, barwork, radiator, support panels, quarter panels etc etc. Then, a man at my church who owns a second hand car yard offered me any car I wanted from his yard that was within my affordability and I could pay him back when the insurance was payed out! That allowed me a very short time without a car and I know that I am buying a car from a person I trust! But, the most awesome bit is, I will have enough left over from the insurance payout to pay for the fees for our property settlement. I was not sure how I would afford them but this has proved to be a God send at this time. God used a suicidal kangaroo to provide for me in a way that I could not imagine.

    2. A second trial that has faced me is the loss of our family home. Due to financial and practical reasons I can no longer stay in the home. It was a terribly hard thing for me to face, I built a lot of it with my own two hands and have owned it for over 15 years. I had a day off work to pray and mourn and I got up from praying to see a text message from a friend at church. He had no idea that I wasn’t working that day or that I was praying about the home. In fact, he had no idea that I was going to lose it! His message was a single verse reference, Luke 9:58.

    Intrigued, I looked up the scripture. It stated “Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”” WOW!!!! I was in good company. Jesus didn’t have a home either! That day, I released my home into God’s hands. I told Him that it belonged to Him, for His glory, and to take it if He had plans for it. I had peace about selling it and went about listing it with an agent I trusted.

    Turns out, God had a much better plan for me in place.

    Our home had a contract on it within 4 weeks from a buyer in another state who has not even seen the home. To sell a home this quickly in our location is very rare, there are homes that have been listed for sale for over two years! The settlement date for the home that the buyer wanted coincided with another home in another town that the builder was willing to let me do a heap of work on to reduce the cost. And, the new home is only 18 minutes from church whereas our other home was well over an hour’s drive.

    The location, price, design and size of the new home is SO MUCH MORE than anything I could ever have dreamed of (see, God can and does work in the material world also, but He is more concerned with our hearts!)!!! Truly, I almost cry when I think of moving into this home soon. It is small, yes, but it is enough for me and my children. And even down to the colour of the tiles in it God has provided for me.

    That may sound silly, that the colour of the tiles is a blessing to me, but I was willing to move into any home God wanted me to and He gave me a home where even the colours appeal to my own taste and match the furniture I own. It is a provision that I could not have anticipated, and if I had of held on to my other family home and struggled against the loss, fighting against the direction of where I was being led I would have missed out on being closer to my church family, the fuel savings it will entail, the ability to extend hospitality to young Christian friends who were unwilling to drive so far to my other home etc. This new home is literally 200 metres from a major bus station so I can even extend hospitality to people who don’t have a car! Such a blessing.

    It was not easy to let go of my family home. It ripped my heart out. As you wrote, it was a time of spiritual wrestling and it was HARD!!!!! But, if I had not let go of it and trusted God I would have missed out on SO MUCH!!!

    There are many trials that are facing me still. Some so big that my heart is still wrestling with them. Some of them feel like I may never heal completely, particularly when my children are involved. But, as I look over life and see the hand of the Lord working in small things such as a car and a home, I can trust Him to work in the big things, like my children’s lives.

    Truly, God has so much more intended for us than we realise. I am a baby, a child in the ocean of His love. The more I understand of God the more I realise the vast differences between Himself and myself, and how much I have to learn and grow. But, He is able to do “Immeasurably more than we even ask or think” and the same spirit that was at work in Christ is at work in our hearts, if we belong to Christ.

    Have you tasted and seen that the Lord is good? Do you know His love, power and strength in your heart? If you don’t, I encourage you to seek it with ALL OF YOUR HEART! He is a good God, a good Father, and works even the most awful things for His glory and our good.

    Much love in Christ to all of you brothers and sisters here. I pray for you all, in particular LMS, CiC, Bel and Quinn.

    HH

    1. All,

      If you would like to see a bit more of HH’s story, please check out this amazing post.

      HH,

      WOW!

      I am so thankful for what God is doing in you. I don’t know if you can remember, but when you first shared your story with me – I told you I could stand on my “spiritual tiptoes” and see way ahead that God had INCREDIBLE things in store for you spiritually and that I believed He planned to use your story and trials to bless many, many people for His kingdom. I still believe that. 🙂 It’s pretty neat to watch how it is already happening in a lot of ways. And I know this is just the beginning.

      It is such a joy to watch what God has been doing in your heart and life. I know that the trials have been extreme. More than most of us could ever fathom. And yet – God has been so faithful and given so many signs of encouragement along the way. You have blessed me greatly as I watch God work in your life. It has been such an honor to pray for you and your family.

      My first desire for all of us is that we might find spiritual healing in Christ and that we might totally yield to Him and experience His will and bring great glory to the Lord in our lives as He directs us – as you have experienced and are still experiencing. I know that the ending here is not what you had desired a year ago or so. But, I also know that you are in God’s very good hands and that your story is not over. I am excited to see all that God has planned and how He will take what was meant for harm and use it for incredible good.

      We all appreciate your willingness to share what you are led to share.

      With much gratitude,
      April

      1. April,

        Yes, I do remember you saying that! I think, if i had known the nature and intensity of the trials that were to come, I would have run in terror from them at that point! But, God has been gracious to allow them to unfold gradually, bringing things about in the right timing. Humbling me and convicting me of my own sin and then strengthening me to deal with others sin. God is good and the treasure that He has enriched me with have deepened my life in ways I could not have fathomed.

        The story is not what I have wanted, no. It was far worse than I could ever have imagined. But, it is not over and until the last page is turned God will continue to lead and direct me.

        https://youtu.be/wcE9-AngoeM

        Love in Christ, HH

        1. HH,

          God is very gracious to us that He takes us through things in steps and by stages. If we had to face knowing everything all at once, it would be too much. Especially the kinds of trials you have faced over the past year. But it was interesting, He always seemed to prepare you and strengthen you spiritually before the next thing hit.

          God is very good. How I long for all of us to know Him, trust Him completely, and love Him wholeheartedly. There is no better place to be in the world!

          God is making a beautiful, powerful, amazing story of your life. I am looking forward to reading the chapters that are yet to come.

          In Him,
          April

          1. April,

            Yes, the stages of preparation and situations where God has allowed me to see and hear of certain things to help me come to terms with something before it has happened has certainly been an incredible blessing. HH

    2. HH, wow, I was thinking of you just today, and before I decided to go to bed, I got a ping on my email and it was April telling me to check out your post. Divine? Yes, I think so. Chill bumps, really.

      I’m so glad to hear how you are doing. I agree, God loves us little sinners in ways we will never be able to understand. The sacrifice is undescribable. I have celebrated 44 Easters, but since the renewing of my mind, the last 3 have been such deep, spiritual connections. It really grows us up and humbles us when we meditate on the purpose of our lives in Christ.

      Your little miracles are so inspiring. Although my heart hurts for you and these trials, I see your little God-boat serving you just fine. No more sinking iceberg!

      You have grown so much spiritually, it has been such a thing of honor and pride to be a sister of yours in Christ. You have been inspired, and inspired at the same time.

      I love your Down Under stories. I just would never be able to experience “suicidal kangaroos” without your help! Lol. We have suicidal deer.

      Glad to know you were not hurt at all. Amazing.

      Know that the final chapter has not been written yet. Although life has not turned out like you expected, I think we could never expect the things God knows anyway. Trusting in His will and wisdom is do much better than our feeble attempts to control and know the massive things we have no control or understanding of. But God does. And it takes all the pressure off. We can learn to live a life God meant for us when we put and keep God in His rightful place on the throne of our heart.

      Jesus took our overwhelming debt from us on the cross, a debt that we could never pay back.

      Jesus paid the debt of our sin with his death…the only price tag of sin.

      Jesus felt the incredible wrenching and tearing and seperation from God that sin causes….from each and everyone of us that day, that hour as he cried out in a roar. He felt that aloneness as He cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”….

      He felt the ruin of our sin. Yet, he never sinned himself. A perfect person, the only unblemished sacrificial lamb. It is agonizing enough to feel all of that for one person. Yet, He took it for EVERY person. Alive at that time AND forward into the future for those not born yet. It is an incredible love God has for us.

      He is truly celebrating the return of His lost sheep.

      I will pray for you, HH that you can continue to grow in God and shine brightly for His kingdom. I pray that your life can settle a bit too as God is positioning you for His wonderful next chapter of your life. Peace, my brother.

      1. Hi LMS!

        Lovely to hear from you ☺ Yes, the boat I am in is holding me up. It has some pretty big gouges in it from this February’s challenges and I think the enemy has brought out the big guns, but I can see the shepherds hand through it all!

        I actually wrote out a looong email to you last week, but when I read it through realised that I did not feel ok to send it yet. I am not sure whether it would be an edifying thing or whether I was just looking for a shoulder to cry on. So, I deleted it for now.

        The sacrifice that Christ made is simply beyond words, isn’t it! It is a love that is beyond anything comprehensible by our human minds. It is love so different to our natural way of dealing with life that it inspires worship like nothing else.

        Thank you you for lifting me up in prayer LMS. Things will not be settling out for me for quite some time yet, I believe. The home is a great blessing and miracle, but I am very much still in the middle of intense warfare, with trials and storms that are beyond anything I could have imagined and they look set to be playing out for at least the next few months. Please, I ask in humility, continue to pray for me. My eyes are firmly fixed upon the cross in faith but I must acknowledge the deep pain and constant need for support from the saviour and the body of Christ through them all. May His strength be made known through my weakness and may HIS light continue to shine.

        Love in Christ, HH

        1. HH, I will be happy to pray for you. I would even welcome your email, especially if it is simply a shoulder to cry on. I will send a message to you through April.

          I think man or woman, we all need that body of Christ in order to find direction and try to make sense of it all. I understand that it may be harder for men to “let go” emotionally like that. Seems against the grain, but I strongly feel that allowing oneself to let go emotionally will allow a sense of “righting oneself”. Like a bouy that has a hole in it and has taken on water on one side. Until the (emotions) water is allowed to drain out, the buoy will continue to list onto its side- being weighed down, thus, having a distorted view of the world. Pouring out your feelings to a trusted and safe friend can be very, very good for a person. Especially if that friend can speak honestly back without being shut out. A friend may be able to offer a viewpoint that has not been considered, or may give sone advice that is not just good, but “best”. It may not be what you want to hear, but rather what you need to hear.

          I think on this blog, there are many of us that are willing and able to do that. And quite frankly, the distance offered keeps the connections where they need to be. It’s awesome to have friends that I can get a hug from, physically see their smile, etc, but I have to be honest, none of the people I know understand the mix of pain, joy, suffering, and love that we seem to understand on this blog. To be in the middle of deep pain, yet, experience such deep joy in Christ at the same time is hard to understand for so many. It is why I so appreciate you, Bel, Cic, April, Satisfied wife, Hope Always and so many others on this blog. Your perspective is highly valued because of the male point of view of the same situation. It helps me understand what my husband may be thinking, feeling etc. Yet, you still know God’s love and follow Him.

          I hope you can reconsider writing again. It would be my honor to help you in any way I can for the glory of God.

          1. Hi LMS,

            You are a dear friend ☺ I am glad that I have been a help to you, I certainly write everything with great care and love but also hope that my words are weighed up against scripture.

            I will consider sharing some things, but I know that once something is said it can’t be unsaid, and I want to make sure that I don’t dishonour God or any person by my words.

            The distance is good at keeping the connections where they need to be, but at the same time we are all vulnerable because we are hurting, and I am reluctant to email any woman without direct accountability and transparency. I would be happy to receive a message through April but I also feel that it isn’t fair on her to be conversing through her ☺

            Love in Christ, HH

    3. HH,

      Wow! I’m glad to have come across this update! It is always good to hear how you are doing and what God has been doing in you and your life for His purposes and glory!!

      Don’t you just love when ” God uses a suicidal kangaroo to provide for us in a way that we could not imagine”???

      It really is how He works sometimes! And like you said, if we try to fight against it, trying to hold on to everything that we fear losing, thinking it could NEVER work out or be for the better—it turns out to be the VERY thing that God uses to turn our whole life in a different direction and way, all for His glory!

      WOW!

      I love it Praise God!!!

      You are an encouragement, and have a significant impact on those who are in Christ!

      Thank you so much for sharing!!

      Love,
      Amanda

  8. Humbled Husband, a suicidal roo! I realize we are talking about trials, but that sure shows God has a sense of humor. He sure put some roo in your do, didn`t He, lol!

  9. Wow!! I am speechless and really feel so humble! This post has my name written all over it, tears are running down my face! 💟🌸
    You haven’t heard from me in a while and still – it feels like God told you exactly what to tell me and how to answer ALL my questions! I will read it every day! Thank you endlessly!
    After you so graciously have given me a lot of your time that weekend writing to me and explaining things, I almost had no free time to write back. But I would have…
    With heart full of gratitude, I was praying and thanking God for you, for your patience with me, with all of us. I said: ” Thank You so much, my heavenly Father, that there is April on the other side of this planet! Please, bless her with whatever is that she needs, bless those who are on her heart and close to her!”
    In a meantime, things got worse. Or it sure looks like it is now much worse for me. But look what you wrote and what God says how to face all that pain!
    My husband an I, we have 5 children, ages: 24, 21.5, 20, 14.5 and 6. And now – I am pregnant again. 😦 I didn’t plan for my life to look like this! No way, never! When I found this out, I froze in fear – how will my family react, my friends, everybody….How will I go through this again? I am now 43.5 years of age. How will I do this again?!? I was crying and crying….
    Than I told my kids. They are incredible, so happy and full of support, so positive!
    But I knew it is not going to be so with my husband.
    Since he is messing up with another woman for more than two years now, I told him on time not to approach me and not to reach out for me. But he said he couldn’t do that. So I’ve decided I will not humiliate him by denying myself to him. And now I have what I have.
    I was right about what his reaction would be like. I told him about the pregnancy saturday morning and his reaction was very, very ugly. He told me so many terrible things and suggested that I should have an abortion and that he is not going through this again (like he ever did! 😠 ). I told him that I do not have courage to go against God and that only medical indication would justifie something like that.
    That evening, he just left without a word. Again, haha. And I know that he is with that woman.
    Before this situation, I was really very rebellious towards God. As you know, I had a million “why”- questions and the fact that there are no guarantees were destroying me. My sister in Christ oftenly told me to stop being so stubborn and that I am on a dangerous ground.
    And than, I heard something that was very helpful: did Job know why is he going through such a horor? No, he had no idea! And even more, his friends were so discouraging. But he decided to trust his God! So, who am I not to do the same?!
    Now, this frightening situation suddanly put me in a totally different perspective.
    I suddanly understand that the only wright thing that I can do is to rest in His hands, to trust Him and just let go all those pointless questions. I know that most of it I can not understand.
    Today, I feel extremely burdened.
    I would appreciate if you, please, could explaine a little more something that you wrote:
    “– Use any opportunities of interaction to demonstrate a godly attitude, respect, and honor for her husband (not for any sin in his life).
    – Set a godly example for her husband, her children, and those around her.”
    The way I feel, I would avoid to see him, like ever! But that would be wrong, right?
    But, how do you respect and honor a husband who lies, cheats, betrays and abandons his family? And I am not talking now about the fact that he does not deserve any respect. I am asking how should that respect look like?  How do I show respect to an emotional sadist?
    Thank you for everything from the bottom of my heart!
    Hmbled Husband, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story with all of us.
    May God reachley bless all of you here. 💟🍀

    1. Irena Bonnie,

      Oh, goodness, my dear sister! What a painful situation you are in with a husband who is with another woman. 🙁

      And I can imagine, as I am now 44 myself, what a surprise it would be to be pregnant again now – especially under such circumstances.

      But my sweet friend, I do want you to know a few things for your own sanity:

      1. You have no obligation to be intimate with a husband who is having an affair. He is breaking your marriage covenant. You have no obligation to stay with him. He has abdicated his position as spiritual authority in your life. You have every right to separate in such a situation and to refuse sexual intimacy. You can forgive him in God’s power. But you can’t trust him right now. If he sincerely repents and shows that he is willing to rebuild trust over a significant period of time and you decide you believe you want to take him back, perhaps a sexual relationship can become healthy again in time. I would personally want my husband to be tested for STDs before I would want to subject myself to that, even if I felt I could take him back after an affair.

      2. You absolutely have no obligation to get an abortion. In fact, that would be murder in God’s eyes, and you can’t do that. So you were right to refuse to kill your precious baby. Good job!!!!!!!! I am so proud of you!

      No, it is not wrong to want to avoid a husband who has violated your marriage covenant so severely. You have been betrayed on a very deep level. That kind of pain is pretty severe. You may have to have some contact because of the children. But you don’t have to continue to try to be a wife the way you would if he were not cheating. Does that make sense? When one spouse violates the marriage covenant like this, it is broken. And the other spouse doesn’t have to stay there and continue to be sinned against.

      However, God can absolutely take this really big mess and all of this pain and make something beautiful from it. And – He loves this baby and has known about this sweet baby since before He created the world and He has good plans for this child – and for your other children.

      You can’t respect your husband’s sin. His sin is NOT okay. You will have to have healthy boundaries against his sin.

      Where respect comes in is that you can respect that he is a person created in the image of God. You can speak respectfully to him. You don’t have to cuss him out, hit him, throw things at him, be bitter at him, insult him, call him names, lash out at him in sinful anger, ridicule him, smear him all over your circle of influence, gossip about him, slander him, hate him, teach the kids to hate him, condemn him, have a “revenge” affair yourself, etc…

      You can conduct yourself with dignity, grace, poise, and honor in your interactions with him. You can desire to respect anything you see that is good in him and try to encourage those things. You can pray for him that God might open his eyes and that your husband might repent and turn to Christ before it is too late.

      But, you can also respect yourself, God, and your marriage covenant.

      You can say things like:

      – I am really sad about the choices you have made to have an affair. I can’t subject myself and our children to this kind of breach of our marriage covenant. Unless and until you are willing to repent and completely change and be devoted to this family and this marriage, we are not going to be able to live together as husband and wife anymore. I wish things were different. I don’t want to see this marriage destroyed. But I am going to respect our marriage covenant and the sacredness of it. And I will not allow you to defile our marriage bed. I can’t be available to you because you are committing adultery and dishonoring me and our marriage. This is not okay.

      – Then you can continue on in the peace, joy, and security of God’s love for you. You can depend on the Lord to make something beautiful from this situation. You can entrust your husband and his soul to God. You can set and example of faith in God that he can see in your attitude and interactions when you have to interact with him. You can avoid sinning against him so that all he will have to look at is his own sin. You can show your children that you refuse to allow bitterness to overtake you and that you forgive in God’s power – but that you will require trust to be rebuilt before putting your family and yourself in harms’s way again. You can teach your children about the Lord. You can have His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You can even love your husband with God’s love in your pain and see him with His eyes, experiencing the grief God’s heart feels over sin. You can acknowledge that God is the one being sinned against most by your husband’s adultery. You can acknowledge any sin in your own life and repent of that and seek to allow God to conform you more and more to the image of Christ.

      Does that make sense?

      Much love to you!

      1. Yes, it makes all the sense in the world! Thank you a thousand times!
        When I first read this post, I so wanted to hug you. Than I laughed imagining the site: so many of us want to hug you, some day in the Lord’s Kingdom! Now, that’ll take time! 🤗☉
        The other night, my older daughter (she is now 20) came to me and just started to pour out her heart, saying:
        “You know, mom, it’s not “just” this situation now the reason that I can’t stand dad. It is so much more, much deeper.
        You know how it is with kids – they like to brag about their dads. So was I talking about my big, strong dady.
        Other dads were always present, comming to kindergarten and later to school.
        Whenever parents were invited, you were there or grandpa was (my father). Nobody ever saw my dad.
        When my friends came to play at our place, again – most of the times, dad was somewhere else, he wasn’t at home.
        When any of us needed a doctor, you and grandpa were there. Dad wasn’t.
        So I was very young when I realised – I don’t really have a dad. So, since that time, if anybody would ask me about my dad, I would just say – I don’t have a dad.
        And, you know, some day, when I move out, if he will still live here, I will never enter this place again. I will see you somewhere outside or at my place, but I don’t want to have anything to do with him!
        When he is at home, we all feel so tensed, just waiting what he will start yelling about. He is always so negative, he wants to be unsatisfied with all of us, all the time. It is unbearable! I don’t understand how any of you still speak to him.
        Some day, he will not be invited to my wedding. That would be a bad luck to start with!”
        I was listening to her with my mouth open. I always knew what the situation was, but I never realized it affected her so severely. 😔

        1. Irena Bonnie,

          You are most welcome. You know what? I can’t wait to get to meet everyone and give everyone a big hug in heaven! I look forward to that very much. We will have eternity and we will be outside of time – so no problem! 🙂

          Sounds like things have been very tough for a long, long time, my dear sister. My heart hurts for all of you – even for your husband. I know Satan is the only one who rejoices. However, what an opportunity to demonstrate how to respect God, yourself, your marriage, your children, and your husband properly. What an opportunity to live out a godly life before your children so that they can see what Jesus looks like. I pray for His healing for each of you and His wisdom, provision, and discernment for you as you make some big choices.

          Much love to you!

          1. Please, pray for me.
            I saw a doctor today. He told me that I have a blighted ovum and this will have to be terminated.
            I know this is often a case at my age, but what terrifies me is that I will have to take antibiotics after a procedure. My reaction every time are very heavy side effects. How will I survive? My world is colapsing…….

          2. Irena Bonnie,

            Oh, goodness, my sweet sister! (For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it means that an embryo didn’t develop. There is the appearance of a pregnancy, but no baby.)

            You have had quite a roller coaster of emotions. I bet you just wish you could get off and rest for awhile.

            If it is okay, I would be glad to email you about the antibiotic issue – as I am a pharmacist – if you are interested.

            Lord,
            I thank You and praise You that Your Word stands for Irena Bonnie today. You will never leave her and never forsake her. The plans that the enemy has to steal, kill, and destroy, You are able to use for good. Hold her weary heart in Your loving hands. Lift up her chin and let her see Your eyes blazing with love for her. Help her to pour out her fears and problems to You in trust. Help her to be still and receive Your love and provision. We lift up this painful trial and trust You and praise and thank You for what You will accomplish for Your glory and her ultimate good through this. We pray for Your strength, Your healing, Your wisdom, Your provision, and Your discernment. We pray for you to reach her husband’s heart and that he might repent and be regenerated in Christ. We pray for Your healing for the children involved in this family. And we pray for Your healing, comfort, peace, and joy for Irena even in the midst of this raging storm. Help her to keep her eyes on You today, Lord. Direct her path. Provide for her every need.

            We surround her with Your love and prayers and pray that You might help her know and feel Your love in very tangible ways this week.

            In the Name and power of Christ,
            Amen!

  10. All,
    I shared this on my FB page a week ago or so. Perhaps it may be a blessing to you as well.

    If you are having problems and the enemy is greatly at work in your family, at your church, at your job, or in your neighborhood – one of the most powerful things you can do is go to that place (your office, the church, your house – walking through the rooms) when you can be alone and sing praises to the Lord at the top of your lungs. Or, if you have another believer or several other prayer warriors, ask them to join you:

    – Invite the Holy Spirit into that place and into each of the people’s lives there.
    – Thank and praise God for what He is doing and will do for His glory there.
    – Invite His Kingdom to come and His will to be done.
    – Entrust each situation and person to the Lord.
    – Repent of any sin God reveals to you in your own thinking.
    – Declare truths of God’s Word out loud there.
    – Speak and declare the promises of God that are relevant to the issues you are facing there.
    Then wait with expectation and faith for the Lord to accomplish His will and His glory.

    Two of my favorite songs to sing in these times:

  11. Hi April, thanks for this great post. Thanks also to HH for his contribution. This has made me realise that what I need is to “rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him and not to fret”. My natural inclination is to want to fix things and to think that the reason things aren’t ok is because I just haven’t come up with the right answer yet.
    My husband’s family is pretty conflicted to the point that my mother-in-law doesn’t want our family to visit. I don’t want to say too much on-line but it breaks my heart and as you can imagine it is even harder for my husband who feels rejected by his mother. It is also really sad that she doesn’t even want to see her grandchildren. I want to protect my children from being damaged by this too. Basically I need to lay down my desire for a normal family life of joy and celebration and family gatherings.
    It is so amazing that there are people from all over the world sharing here too. Thank you to all of you. My new favourite quote is going to be “if God can use a suicidal kangaroo..”

    1. Carried,

      There are times when we do need to actively do something or say something. And then, there are times when we need to wait. That is hard! I tend to want to jump in and “fix” everything, too. Of course, we can also go the other way and lag behind when God is prompting us to do something.

      I actually have a similar story in my book about a wife whose husband and his family were having major conflict. The wife wanted to resolve it ASAP. The husband decided to cut contact with his family for a time. It took about a year, but then, his family began to truly apologize and repent. Fellowship was restored. It was interesting to see that God worked as this wife decided to trust the Lord even when she didn’t think they were taking the right path.

      Perhaps God is leading in this, as well. I encourage you to receive all of the good treasures He has for you spiritually in this time of waiting and to invite Him into the family to bring His healing in His timing. Yes, it is hard to lay down our expectations. Especially when they seem right. But as you can lay this down and entrust your in-laws to the Lord – you are setting a beautiful example for your children of faith in God. You can refuse to be bitter. You can love them from afar and ask God for His timing for opportunities to show love in more tangible ways. God can make something beautiful out of this mess, too. I’m so thankful!

      I love that quote. It may need to be the title for HH’s book one day. 🙂 Ha!

      Much love!
      April

  12. My current situation relates to my husband’s problems with immigration and employment. He has been living with me in my country for about two years. He applied for Permanent Residence almost a year ago and because of the backlog of applications and inefficiency of the Immigration department, there has been absolutely no progress on his application. As a result, he can’t work legally, apply for a driver’s permit or even open a basic savings account. He is therefore forced to be completely dependent on me.

    He is very frustrated with this situation and so am I. It is such a struggle for both of us. I just pray for him every day and pray about the situation, hoping that God will move mountains for us. I worry about the strain this is placing on him psychologically. I hold onto my Bible very tightly and focus on the promises of God. I focus on treating him with the highest level of love and respect. I’m doing all that I could, but I must admit that it is stressful and frustrating and I wish that God will work things out for us.

    1. Nancy,

      What an incredible opportunity to grow in faith and trust in the Lord! I’m so glad that you are clogging to your Bible and to the promises of the Lord. I am so thankful you are using this opportunity to bless your husband and to treat him with great love and respect. It is a frustrating situation. Our flesh would naturally want to become resentful in that kind of situation. I praise God that you don’t want to do that and know that you want to be a godly wife to your husband in this difficult time. I know that your husband appreciates these gifts you are giving him more than he could ever express.

      It is extremely difficult for a man not to be able to work. What does he believe the two of you should do? Does he have any suggestions at this point?

      Is it possible that God may have shut this door and that He may be providing a different path? Or do you both believe the Lord desires you to continue to wait?

      I don’t have the answers for you. But I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and for you to hear His voice clearly and for His provision and His greatest glory in this situation.

      Much love to you!

      1. This situation is really making me cling onto God very tightly. Your blog has done a lot to teach me to be loving, patient and respectful to my husband no matter what. I’m sure he appreciates it a lot.

        Every month I go to the Immigration office to ask for an update and they just tell us to keep waiting. I stay calm and respectful with the Immigration officers, unlike others who yell at them. I try to treat them as I would treat Christ, although I’m very frustrated with their inefficiency.

        On the plus side, the laws of my country allow non-nationals to start a business and apply for a work permit for themselves so we are going to try that. If the work permit is approved, he would be able to apply for a driver’s permit, open a bank account and be able to work and provide for the family. It will truly change our lives and help him to feel like a man again. He feels terrible that he has a family that he can’t provide for. He has an excellent work ethic and would like to support his family more than anything.

        The first question is “Will the Work Permit Secretariat approve the work permit?”. They are very strict so the possibility of them declining his application is very real and we will be absolutely devastated if that happens.

        Also, I will be pouring my life savings into buying him a truck and tools to start his business. Therefore, the second question is “Will he get enough clients to be profitable or will I have gone broke for nothing?”.

        Those are two very unsettling questions. I’m begging everyone who reads this post to please pray for us.

        1. Nancy,

          That would be so frustrating! And they give no idea of how long the wait might be? I’m thankful that you seek to be respectful. I pray for God to give you wisdom and for Him to direct your path and your husband’s path according to His will – opening the doors that He desires you to take.

          It sounds like it would be wonderful if he could have a business of his own. I pray that God might grant this ability according to His will and that this trial might produce great fruit in your lives and glory for the Lord. 🙂

          I also pray that you will both hear God’s prompting clearly and be ready to do anything He may call you to do.

          Much love and a huge hug!

          1. Hi April,
            Immigration declined my husband’s work permit application. We just found out today. Because of this, he still can’t work legally, get a driver’s permit or even open a bank account. We are both very sad – he even more sad that I am because he doesn’t know God very well. It really was a huge disappointment for both of us.

            I’m going to hang onto the words of Habukkuk 3: 17-19 and just praise God in the midst of this storm.

            “Though the fig tree does not bud
            and there are no grapes on the vines,
            though the olive crop fails
            and the fields produce no food,
            though there are no sheep in the pen
            and no cattle in the stalls,
            yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
            I will be joyful in God my Savior.
            The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
            he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
            he enables me to tread on the heights.”

          2. Nancy,

            Oh no! I am sure that must feel devastating, especially to him. 🙁

            I will declare these verses with you over the situation and pray with you for God’s leading and provision, for His will, and for His glory in this difficult trial. I know He will create beauty from this in ways we can’t begin to imagine.

  13. April,

    I just stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and I have been consuming posts everyday, savoring all the nuggets of truth and wisdom I find in them. I praise God for you and the wisdom he’s given you.

    I would like your wisdom and insight I know has been imparted to you for the Holy Spirit on my marriage.

    I can start by saying that I sinned my way right into this marriage. I had premarital sex with my now husband, forced the marriage thing when he wanted to reevaluate our relationship, and have been all around a controlling and manipulative wife.

    By Gods grace I have come to confess and repent of all of my sin I’ve been made aware of. But it may be too late for us. My husband said he wanted a divorce the other night.

    Since then I have been praying, staying in Gods word and seeking wisdom from my Christian mentor. I read your post on what to do when your husband says “I’m done” and I couldn’t have been a more perfect example of the wife that does all the wrong things (crying, begging, nagging him to stay.) Realizing my sinful behavior, I have since given him space, stayed in the word and tried to be as Christlike as example as I can.

    I think he wants to believe I really am changing but he has been testing me a lot, to see if I will resort to old behaviors I guess.

    What my questions are I guess is this:

    * What role do second marriages have in Gods will for marriage? I don’t see this come up in a lot of posts but my husband was divorced by his first wife so she could stay in her unrepentant affair. I have never been married.

    * Is it possible it could be Gods will for us not to be married when we never should have married in the first place?

    * My husband told me during premarital conversations he would be willing to have children with me. Now he is saying he will get a vasectomy. How do I surrender my desire for children? Am I supposed to?

    I am utterly terrified of spending the rest of my childbearing years with this selfish, unkind man knowing he will most likely never change his mind. I almost wish he could make good on his word so I would be freed, but I know divorces grieve the Lord and I’m trying my best to honor God through this.

    Perhaps you could direct me to some blog posts if the answers to these questions would be too lengthy.

    Thank you!!!

    1. Callemara, I won`t presume to step in and answer questions you`ve directed to April, but I do want to let you know that you are not the only wife on this blog who was pushy, aggressive and sinful in the manner in which she pursued her marriage, and you are also not the only wife who has questions about second marriages. I have struggled with these same issues and questions myself and although haven`t got a clear answer as far as what is and isn`t the scriptural position on second marriages, what I do know is that given God`s character, I think He is willing to lead us into all truth and doesn`t punish by withholding information. I love the verse that says `If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously and upbraids not“ Certainly knowing what God thinks or desires is a pursuit of wisdom. And upbraiding is what happens when you humble yourself and admit your problem and someone uses your confession of sin against you to shame you and rake you over the coals for your failings. God is saying here that He is not that sort who will do that. Just wanted to offer that encouragement because you`ve really shared vulnerably and I know that can leave you feeling like a pork chop at a jewish kosher dinner.

      1. 7times, that is beautiful!!!! I haven’t thought of upbraiding like that, what a wonderful, wonderful thought, thank you so much!!! Oh I have experienced SO much upbraiding from my wife due to my confession of my sins, oh I have been raked over the coals over and over again, but to see that scripture like that when we ask God for wisdom is so cool! It may have been obvious to you but I hadn’t seen it like that till now. Thank you!!

        HH

        1. Hi HH, I am glad that you got some juicy encouragement out of that verse. I had heard that verse many times but never thought about it in terms of who God is saying He is and is not over and against the meaning of that word. A friend of mine says `Jesus is kind“. I guess God knows how hard it can be to admit our sin.

          I was wondering if you think that inviting her to sit down and write out every grievance, offense and resentment she has against you – no holding back and getting down to the nitty gritty, and why its so significant to her, ie, what meaning she makes of it, might be helpful to her in getting to the bottom of the barrel of her anger? Perhaps she might be willing if she knows the motive is freeing her from hurt and poison and nothing more is expected. Maybe you`ve already done that? I know what its like to deal with the ungraciousness of upbraiding. Not fun.

          1. Hi 7times,

            Thanks for the suggestion ☺ I have done exactly that many times and I have listened to her grievances for hours. I hope it has helped her but we have reached a point where she is beyond that now. HH

      2. Thank you for your comment. Of course I don’t mind you chiming in.

        I always just accepted the exception clause in Matthew 19 as acceptable reasons for divorce and remarriage. I know there is a whole branch of doctrine that disputes this, much like Mr. John Piper whom I respect very much.

        I really don’t know if marrying my husband was a mistake, or something God was against. I wish I would’ve had the foresight to make a better decision going in.

        I am praying for wisdom and discernment and praying God will give them to me abundantly.

        I loved the pork chop line that made me giggle 😄

    2. CallmeMara,

      Hello, my precious sister!

      I’m so thankful that you have confessed and repented of all of the sin you are aware of. That is awesome! But how my heart breaks with you over hearing that your husband said he wants a divorce. Those are words no spouse ever wants to hear. And yet, I am extremely encouraged to hear that you have been reading and studying and praying and that you want to approach things in a godly way now that you are seeing what that looks like.

      7Times and I have spent a lot of time researching this subject of second marriages. I love her response to you – and I do believe that the Lord can give you His wisdom and won’t leave you hanging.

      There is not a lot written in the Bible about second marriages. And I certainly don’t want to make assumptions about what God thinks that I can’t support with Scripture. Here are the things the Bible does say.

      – In the Old Testament, there are instructions that if a wife is divorced by her husband and remarries, she cannot go back and remarry her first husband.
      – In the New Testament, Jesus talks about that believers are not to divorce and that remarriage is adultery. But there may be an exception clause for cases of adultery. That is a debated topic among believers.
      – In the New Testament, if an unbelieving spouse leaves a believer, the believer is to let the unbeliever go. There is debate about whether that means the believer is free to remarry.

      Your husband may be in the category of the exception clause. So that will be something for you to study and pray about.

      There are not really instructions about second marriages in Scripture. Nor are there instructions about coparenting or handling step-children. But there are also not instructions about believers leaving their spouses if they find themselves in a second marriage. 1 Corinthians 7 may indicate that a believer should stay where they are at that point and not seek a divorce.

      I am not an expert on divorce and remarriage. But I do believe that when a believer wants to honor the Lord and walk in obedience, He will give each person wisdom and light as they seek Him and want to please Him above all else.

      I do know that there tend to be extra problems in remarriages that seem to be even more difficult than the problems in first marriages many times.

      I have a post about when a wife wants a baby and her husband doesn’t. You are welcome to check that out here.

      I wish that there were more instructions on this topic. But I know that God does not withhold important information that we need. So I trust that in all that He has written for us, you will find what you need to know how to follow and obey Him.

      Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me? I want to see you experience all of the healing that is available to you in the Lord. And then, you will have His power and Spirit and wisdom to know how He desires you to handle this situation.

      Much love!

        1. CallmeMara,

          First of all, I know what this name means, “Call me Mara,” – a quote from Naomi in Ruth when she was bitter and believed that the Lord had forsaken her.

          What we say to and about ourselves is powerful. Words contain the power of life or death. Would you consider choosing a name that describes faith in the Lord in some positive way? 🙂

          Take your time to answer these questions, precious sister… I just want to get a feel for where you are spiritually and then I will seek to point you to the healing that is available to you in Christ.

          1. What do you most desire in your relationship with Christ?

          2. Do you believe that it is possible to be content in Christ alone? Would you like to experience this?

          3. What are your greatest dreams?

          4. What are your biggest fears?

          5. Is there anything you feel you may be holding back from God?

          6. Are you ready to fully yield to the Lordship of Christ?

          Much love to you!

          1. You’re right, I am sorry for the name. I admit I have been feeling very bitter in my heart and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

            1.) I would say I would desire to feel the joy and peace that only the security of being in a covenant relationship with Christ can bring. I have struggled all my life with viewing God as a distant Father I am not pleasing. I want to declare his promises over my life but I just hear whispers that they are not meant for me.

            2. I believe it is totally possible to be content in Christ alone. I feel like that would be so incredibly FREEING. I just don’t know if *I* can do it.

            3. My greatest dream has always been to be a mother and wife. I feel I have totally made them idols in my life and now they are turning to ashes in my mouth. I think I need new dreams.

            4. Abandonment hands down. I grew up with an abusive father and mother who left us. I had a string of abusive boyfriends. I am terrified of people in my life leaving me and I think it’s created a lot of self-sabotage.

            5. The idols in my life. My fear. Lies from the enemy.

            6. I’m ready. I’ve been doing a great job messing up my life on my own. I’m ready to try it God’s way.

          2. Callmeblessed,

            Now that is more like it. 🙂

            Let’s begin to tackle the lies of the enemy that you have probably been holding onto since you were young. It’s important to be willing to shine the truth of God’s Word on what we believe – to ask Him to help us tear out the lies and toxic thinking, and to replace that and rebuild our lives on His truth and on His love and promises.

            If you had an abusive father – that creates a lot of wounds and scars in a child’s soul. We tend to assume that God is like our earthly dad. If we have a loving, godly dad – it makes it easy for us to trust God as our good Father. If we did not have a healthy relationship with our dad, there are some things we need to hash through in order to realize that God is not like our sinful earthly fathers. We have to consciously choose to recognize the specific areas where our dads failed us and then receive the truth about who God is and how He is not like our dads who failed us.

            I invite you to check out these posts and just really carefully, thoughtfully, prayerfully read over them. Let me know what God shows you. 🙂

            Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced
            Cinderella and the Gospel
            I Can’t Ask for Things. I Shouldn’t Have Needs, Desires, or Feelings

            I’m right here. I’m honored to walk beside you on this road. Take a few bites. Chew on it. Pray over it. Journal if you want to. Ask questions. Wrestle in prayer. And we’ll hash through these things together. There is healing – total spiritual and emotional healing – available to you in Christ.

            Much love to you!

    3. Callmemara,

      I know you are working through this with April as well, but I wanted to share a few things in my experience because I literally have found myself in your exact position. Never married, married a divorced man, we both agreed that we didn’t want any more kids because he has 2 and I have 1 from a previous relationship.

      I too found myself a few years ago questioning if whether the reason our marriage was totally falling apart was because in God’s eyes we were living in some kind of adultery. My husband’s ex-wife was also having affairs and left him and after many attempts to reconcile, he let her go and divorced her (since she did not have the finances to do so herself). My husband was on the verge of becoming born from above when this all went down—so I don’t believe he was living in the good of Christ’s Life while this all happened. But he did seek God at that time, and was led to the Bible and those certain passages in Matthew, etc. on divorce and the exceptions, etc. and he was convinced in his heart that God was allowing it. My husband had actually planned on NEVER getting married again. He was very hurt by her affairs and was not willing to ever go through that again so he resolved to never get married again.

      Well, several years later, as he grew closer to the Lord, he literally woke up one day with the thought planted in his heart that he was going to be getting married. He couldn’t explain it. He just KNEW. Well, at about the same time in my life, the Lord was putting me through the same thing! He was giving me such a burden and desire to be married… but yet to wait for HIM and HIS leading—to the man I would marry. I just KNEW I would be getting married—–but not when, or to who! It was within 6 months that he and I had met and married—and the rest is history!

      But the point is– like you, I didn’t realize that I was the controlling, needy, “fill me up with all you got” type girl yet, and he and I immediately had problems that lasted a good 2 years (we’ve only been married for 3 years). It wasn’t until I found April’s site as well that I saw my own sin and realized I needed to make major changes. That was a year ago—and the Lord has truly done mighty works in my life, heart, marriage, etc. for His glory–and He continues to do it! But like your husband–my husband had threatened divorce many times to me and I thought he was serious. It really got to the point where I thought it was for real over—— several times. But here we are! And you know what? The Lord has allowed it all so that not only am I able to encourage you here with my own personal experience on the matter–but in order to bring my husband and I to the place where we could see that without CHRIST at the center–there was really no hope!

      And that’s what I want to share with you here—- the whole remarriage, divorce issue—- people can debate it for the rest of their life, and what profit will have been gained by that? We as believers have the Spirit of God dwelling within us—and He is able to make known to us what is right and what is not right—-by giving us a sense of either LIFE AND PEACE or DEATH! That is how we are led by the Spirit in matters that we are “unsure” about.

      And from my own experience with getting hung up on the question of second marriages—–I was led straight to DEATH spiritually when I was trying to find the “right” or “wrong” with it all. It literally accomplished NOTHING for God.

      Now that I am resting in faith, believing that my marriage was more than Divinely appointed and allowed—— there is Life, there is peace, and there is an increase in the Knowledge of God and true conformity to the image of Christ in us both by our marriage—that is how I know God is using it for His own purposes!

      And that’s what I ultimately wanted to share with you sister is that, unless CHRIST is in the center of our marriages, unless we are both truly all out in our lives for the Lord and His purposes for our lives and marriages—-our marriage will fall apart. It is a fact. Christ is the one who holds ALL THINGS together—so if you or your husband are not married with the intent of making your marriage a vessel in which the Lord’s purposes are fulfilled—then the marriage is going to fall apart all around.

      I’ve been there—my marriage was all about ME a few years ago, and what I wanted it for—not about Christ or fulfilling the purposes of God through it all—-and it was in shambles, DAILY!

      Now if my marriage is getting torn apart it is usually by the enemy seeking to divide my husband and I with all kinds of subtle tactics and devices, but in the end, he always loses because greater is HE LIVING IN MY HUSBAND AND I than he who is in this world!

      So what I want to encourage you with is the fact that whether or not it is “right” or not—is NOT the point—the point is—– is Christ at the center? Is your marriage for the LORD, or for yourself in some way?

      That is going to be the ultimate question that needs answering—not whether being married twice is the cause of all your marriage problems!

      Praying for you!

      Love,
      Amanda

      1. Amanda,
        I love this! Thank you so much for sharing things God has done in your life and things He has shown you. 🙂 Yes, when we are seeking Christ first and willing to lay everything else down before Him, He will show us His path and the way to LIFE.

      2. Hi Amanda,

        Thanks so much for sharing more details of your story ☺ I know it was not directed to me but it is useful anyway. I very much understand how your husband must have felt and understand his reluctance to experience the pain all over again.

        It is also interesting that both of you just KNEW. That is something that has happened to me over and over and over the last couple of years, having this strong sense in my heart about something that was going to happen. I have often felt it was God preparing me for another stage of my journey.

        Know what? I’ll bet your husband threatened divorce out of fear of being hurt again. Thanks again for sharing part of your journey.

        HH

        1. HH,

          Everything that you foresee being an issue if you ever remarried has been my experience with marrying a divorced man, unfortunately. April actually shared my story on her single girl site about marrying a divorced man where I shared about all the things that you mentioned that might be an issue if you were to get remarried!

          Like a few others have said already, I was/am more than willing to be a part of his kids’ lives, but they live far away so we really don’t see them that much. We saw them 1 time so far in the 3 years we have been married. So the drama doesn’t really come from that part of anything—but more from jealousy and issues of that nature on my part, and the part of his ex-wife.

          But my husband has taken in my son to be as his own, and on the flip side, in terms of my relationship with my son’s father, and his wife (ex now, they are recently divorced) — my experience has been so different. My son’s step mother is actually one of my best friends. We still get together because she has 2 kids with my son’s father, so we get the kids together and we are very close. But his father is living far away, but he and I have no issues, and my husband and him get along and there are no problems like those I experience with his ex-wife and his whole situation (my husbands).

          So it’s weird to be on literally both sides of the possibilities of being remarried and having kids with someone else, etc. and all the potential problems that may cause!

          But yes, I think you are wise in thinking before hand of all the possible issues and if ever you should get remarried, you will have hopefully addressed all the possibilities with whoever you marry. I think that was my husband’s mistake and mine—I thought that because I was bff with my son’s step mom that his ex-wife and I would totally become best friends too. But that didn’t happen lol. I should mention too that my son’s step mom is also a Christian so that might have had something to do with it. But in the beginning of my son’s father getting married, things were not best friendly at all. That took a good 4 years to come about, but still. I don’t see that happening with my husband’s ex.

          So yea, the point is that— all your concerns are legitimate and it is not easy, I can testify to that. But there has come a point where I’ve just had to accept it for what it is and stop focusing on it and focus on my own life and what I need to do in the situation. This world is perishing and when all is said and done—we won’t have life like we have it right now when we are with Him —- so all we can do is use the time wisely to allow the Lord to conform us to Christ in all these situations that are hard!

          Love,
          Amanda

          1. Hi Amanda,

            Thanks for sharing your experiences ☺ It is so good to see you walking in faith through it all, I love that you are seeking to be conformed to Christ through it all.

            Wow, I couldn’t imagine only seeing my kids once in 3 years! That must be hard on your husband. I find it hard not seeing my kids for even a few days!

            Praying for you, HH

          2. Amanda,

            I just read the post you made on the other site. Wow! That is certainly an eye opener. Thanks for being so open about it all. It is helpful.

            HH

          3. HH,

            I’m glad it was helpful—but hopefully it doesn’t scare you to death that you never consider it if the Lord leads you to remarry lol It can be different—- depending on the people involved I guess. I think personally this whole situation in my life is just something the Lord is using to change me, and that’s always good, so I accept it! 🙂

            Blessings,
            Amanda

          4. Hi Amanda,

            No, it hasn’t scared me to death ☺ Just given a lot to think about. I have settled the matter in my heart over the last few days actually, I have sought counsel from my church leaders and done a lot of reading and praying about it.

            My church leaders believe that our marriage covenant has been broken by her adultery and that I am free in Christ to remarry. They said that they would hate for me to carry the burden of an obligation to remain single when they do not believe that God has laid that obligation on me, and that a marriage to a different, godly woman at the right time could provide a stable relationship for my children to be a part of and observe. They felt it was very healthy for me to be seeking God’s will on the matter and said they would be worried if I was attempting to run into another relationship at this point. It was good and practical advice.

            I considered and respected their advice, but I also know that ultimately the decision rests on me and that I will be accountable to God for my own decisions. I do not have peace about a second marriage, which I believe is significant for me at this point. I often consider Hosea and the way he related to Gomer, and despite being repulsed by my ex-wifes decisions and actions, I really strongly want her to know that someone has seen her at her absolute worst and loves her still. I want her to know, deep and securely in her heart, that she is loved. I want her to be able to view herself as totally worth the sacrifice Christ made for her, and I believe I still have a part to play in that, somehow. I’m just not sure how. It’s interesting, I struggle to look at her or even talk to her now because of her decisions, but I still can not shake my desire to see her blessed and full of peace.

            So anyway, I have come to peace that I do not have to make a decision on marriage at the moment. I was meditating on Abraham being called into another land, and he went in obedience “not knowing where he was going”. As I reflect on the leading of the Lord in other ways during the past year, I realise that I do not have to know what the outcome will be with my ex wife, or another woman, or remaining single. I can let that go and simply rest in doing what I DO already know, and trust God to show me about marrige in His timing. I trust in faith that I have asked for wisdom on this and God will be faithful to show me the right path, because He knows my heart is surrendered to His plan. I have peace with that surrender.

            Surrender to God and God alone results in tremendous peace! I was thinking today that when we seek approval from a person we put ourselves in bondage to that person. But, when we seek approval from God and God alone we are not in bondage to anyone and can live as truly free people.

            Love in Christ, HH

          5. HH, this is truly lovely to see how you have searched out God’s will in this big question in your life. Trust in God…that is the truth. Blessings to you, I see you coming out of this dark tunnel soon.

          6. HH,

            I really appreciate you sharing all of this – the wisdom your church leaders have shared, the way you have thought and prayed thorough things. The heart of Christ you have for your wayward wife. And I love the you realize that all you have to do is follow God right now – that you don’t have to know what the future will look like, you can trust God to lead you.

            I also love seeing the peace the Lord has given to you. You are no longer in bondage and fear anymore! WOOHOO!

            The things God has done and is doing in your life are so beautiful!

          7. HH,

            That last thing you wrote about how we can be in bondage to people when we are out to please them—wow that really stuck with me yesterday when I read it! And I know I’ve learned it before, but sometimes we forget and we don’t realize that a lot of our issues are because we are trying to make another person our LIFE! And only CHRIST can be our Life! So thank you for writing that!!!

            And it sounds as if you are following the Lord and there is no reason to fret over this at all.

            I’ve been lately coming back to the fact that this life is not for time or for ourselves, but for the Lord and eternity. And in the light of that, we have to look at everything in our lives. What is the eternal value of any and everything that we do and say? If we really evaluate all the things in our lives as of right now, according to their eternal value, I think we would all be surprised to see that a lot of things are going to perish and not have any eternal value.

            Marriage can be one of those things that have no eternal value if we are only holding our marriage for our own personal benefit and satisfaction and pleasure. If we have our marriage in our lives as a thing for ourselves, and only for ourselves, in the end, it will have had no eternal value. But if we hold our marriage as for the Lord, and for His interests, and we seek to do His will in and by it all, then it will have eternal value!

            In your life you will see that your marriage may not be what you ever wanted it to be, but God has taken you down the same road as Christ went, emptied of all self-interest and self-consciousness whatsoever, and is taking you into a whole new life where all is out from God and for God! How different our views are from God’s on everything.

            But it sounds to me like the Lord has increasingly revealed His mind to you about your life and marriage and things, and it will only profit in the end when all that is going to burn is burned up, and what came of it in terms of eternal value lasts forever.

            So wow! Praise God!

            Love,
            Amanda

      3. Satisfied wife,

        Thank you so much for your testimony. I do agree that a marriage needs to be founded on God. My Husband told me when we met that he was a Christian but I didn’t see a whole lot of fruit of that in his life, ya know? I basically married him anyways because I felt that I wasn’t that “good” of a Christian either.

        Silly I know. I’m rolling my eyes at myself over here.

        Things are getting somewhat better with my husband as in divorce has been taken off the table for him as I’ve unconditional respected him. But he has been verbally attacking me and it makes me feel so weak.

        This past weekend he told me that because of my verbal attacks and controlling behavior early in our marriage he doesn’t know the man he is anymore and that he “feels like going out and sleeping with someone else.”

        He’s been just picking at me often, telling me we are so incompatible and how if I respected him I would listen to him (meaning doing things his way.)

        I am growing so weary and I really just want to throw In the towel. I am losing sight of who I am in this.

        I keep praying Ezekiel 36:26 over him, but I don’t know that he will ever be the kind, loving, Godly husband I am praying for.

        Do I just surrender and embrace a life with a husband that doesn’t really like me, allows his friends to mock me, and nitpicks at me daily?

        1. Callmeblessed,

          How have you generally been responding when he has been verbally attacking you this week? Do you feel like you have gone over toward being more of a doormat?

          How is your time with Christ going? That is going to be KEY to your ability to have God’s strength, wisdom, discernment, and supernatural ability to handle difficult situations in a godly way.

          Where is your hope, my precious sister? Is it in your husband and his ability, or in the Lord?

          Right now, I believe your husband is testing you. This is fairly common. He may be trying to provoke you to prove that you haven’t really changed, to get you back into the “old familiar dance.” He may also be trying to switch roles if you had been the main controlling one before and the one who was verbally attacking, he may try to seize that kind of a role now that you are not attacking him.

          This is called spiritual warfare, my friend! Do not be surprised at it. You will need your armor on. God will use this time to purify your motives and your spiritual walk. Let’s talk together about healthy ways you can handle this.

          I invite you to check out these posts:

          – Responding to a Negative, Critical Husband.
          Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
          25 Ways to Respect Myself
          Is It Possible to Disrespect Myself?
          Dealing with a Negative, Perfectionistic Husband by Radiant
          LMSdaily “Approaching My Husband’s Sin Issues”
          “My Husband Blamed Me for All of the Problems in Our Marriage” – by The Satisfied Wife

          Also, Nina Roesner has some posts about dealing with angry husbands that may be helpful at her blog.

          For even more help, Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas is amazing! He gives real life examples of believing wives who respond in God’s power and graciousness to their angry men and shows what happens. It is incredible.

          I would encourage you to pray first. Read some of these posts and resources. And then, God may give you exactly what to say and the timing of when to humbly say it.

          But there will be a time when you may need to say something like,

          “You know what, Honey? I was really wrong to disrespect you for so long. I didn’t realize how much damage I was causing. It breaks my heart to know how much I have hurt you. I want to make things right. I want you to be able to be honest with me about how you are feeling. I want to be a safe place for you. But I wonder if we might think about changing together? What if we both seek to speak to each other with respect? I’d like to change the culture of our relationship so that we don’t tear each other down anymore. What do you think?”

          Also, it may be helpful to know that often things get worse in the beginning when a wife begins trying to learn respect. Here are some posts about that:

          Why Isn’t My Husband Being More Supportive As I Seek to Change?
          When a Husband “Doesn’t Buy” His Wife’s Changes
          How Husbands Often Respond to Their Wives in the Beginning of This Journey
          Things Got Worse at First When I Began to Change – The Restored Wife

          Surrender to the Lord, my precious sister. That is who to trust. That is who to yield to. God is not happy about sin against you – or sin against your husband. You are very early in this journey. This is a test. Embrace it and see what God may desire for you to learn. We are all here with you praying for you and supporting you. Do this whole thing for the Lord not for your husband, ultimately. Your husband has his own journey to take, too.

          Much love to you!

          1. Hi peacefulwife, satisfiedwife,

            Well my husbands verbal abuse escalated to the point it was happening daily, to a few times a day. Last night I came home and my work schedule changed this week to where I would be going in an hour earlier each day. I told him I was still willing to get his children off to their grandmother each morning, but they would need to get robbed soon since we would be leaving the house at 5:45am.

            Well for whatever reason that set home off and he started yelling “You’re not gonna help me, then get the f**k out of my face, I don’t need you.” Yelling the whole time in front of his boys who are 6,9.

            Over the past few months he has told me that he doesn’t like me and prays for death (because his life with me is so bad) im the root cause of all his unhappiness, doesn’t like my son being around and when I said he singles him out for scolding him my husband threw a plate of Chinese food (not at me though) in anger, just told me this past Memorial Day he wants a divorce, said he fell out of love with me and doesn’t like me and also will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me.

            I decided to leave last night. I feel I made the right decision as my staying was enabling his verbal abuse. As I was leaving he was telling his Children how things would be just then again and I think he is happy I have finally left which is what he’s wanted for awhile.

            I’m so crushed and devastated, and I think it is really over. While I know that God can totally change hearts, my husband is mistaking my abcense for the true peace that only God can bring.

            I don’t see us reconciling and I am mourning the loss of my marriage today.

          2. Callmeblessed,

            Yikes! 🙁 What a painful situation, my precious sister!

            At this point, it seems to me that this is more than just “verbal abuse.” He is praying for his death? Is he serious or do you believe he is being dramatic? Is he dealing with any health issues, medication side effects, or mental illness?

            If he says he wants a divorce and he is that toxic, you are honoring and respecting what he says he wants to leave.

            Right now, my greatest concern is for your spiritual healing. Would it be okay if we talk about the next step for you?

            Much love!

          3. Callmeblessed,

            I’m so sorry that happened! That is horrible 🙁 Your husband sounds extremely bitter and resentful to the point where he obviously doesn’t care anymore if what he is saying or doing is hurtful, etc. I’m glad you feel confident enough to do what you feel is right in this situation, and that you are seeking peace and not willing to stay int he midst of all that right now. Sometimes it people need to be alone to realize that what they thought they wanted is not really what they need. But even if your husband doesn’t come around, atleast you are in a place where you know that it is better to seek peace than to stay and enable that kind of thing, especially if it is in front of the kids.

            I’m praying for you sister! If you ever want to talk privately, you can always email me at manduhhh12@yahoo.com! I would be willing to share more intimate details of experience that way with you as well!

            I hope to hear from you!!

            Love,
            Amanda

          4. April,

            You are most welcome! Praying for you and your family right now! May God strengthen you inwardly with His might by the Spirit!!!

            Love,
            Amanda

        2. Callmeblessed,

          Sorry for the delay in response! But I am glad to hear from you, and not surprisingly, I have a lot of similarities in my own marriage as you have described, right down to my husband saying we are “incompatible”!

          My husband, over time, has come out with the truth that he felt I “pressured” him into marrying him, and he has felt that over the past 3 years I have tried to control him and make things go my way in everything and he basically blames me for everything still.

          The whole him nitpicking is probably just his bitterness coming out at you. That’s what people do when they are bitter and resentful towards others.

          My husband has also made comments like, “Since I can’t make you happy and you think I’m such a horrible husband, I might as well go out and cheat on you and go to bars and do everything since you already think I’m a horrible husband” ——– That’s not exactly something wives would want to hear and then turn around and be a happy, respectful wife. But I think what my husband meant is that because he thought I was always saying he was a bad husband that he might as well go be one. He hasn’t done anything like that, thank God, but still—words are hard to erase from our memories.

          Honestly, it just sounds like your husband is really bitter and resentful and dealing with all the things he’s maybe bottled up for the past however many years—and it’s all coming out now that you are desiring to make things right and be respectful. Like April said, he’s probably testing you, or he is just now feeling comfortable enough to let his “true” feelings show.

          Now is when you definitely need to stay close to the Lord and not fall for it. You have to really gain control of yourself and not respond negatively to his bitterness, by God’s grace. Because what will eventually happen is, he will realize that HE is now in the wrong, and he will start to feel convicted for how he has been treating you! (Hopefully).

          I am actually in the same boat—feeling like, do I just embrace a life with a husband that doesn’t really like me?

          My husband literally tells me that we are not friends and sometimes he doesn’t like me. But I’m supposed to believe he loves me? hmmmmm…..

          But I believe it’s just his own bitterness towards me coming out. That’s fine…..All I can do is trust God and seek God and focus on my own walk with the Lord and wait for the Lord to get a hold of my husband and open his eyes to what he’s doing.

          But I definitely made the mistake of freaking out in response to my husband’s bitterness coming out and it didn’t help. It wasn’t until I completely left him alone and stopped saying ANYTHING about anything he did, thought, or said that things actually started moving in the right direction!

          I hope this helps! You are JUST beginning to see these things, there’s definitely hope though!

          Love,
          Amanda

          1. Hi Amanda,

            I read your compliments, I am blessed by your positive way of thinking but sometimes the pain always flash into my thoughts especially if you are thinking & felt the pain for your child…Now my son came back to school & when he arrived in my office he told me he missed me so much, he almost shed a tears in his break time when he realized we will not be together at lunch break. my tears drop one by one but I showed him my strength and gave him assurance that “mama will always call you over the phone on your break time”…Last night I asked him if he missed his father he nod and it hurts me inside. We discuss everything and make him understand the situation but all in all I told him we can make it we had still one team, God, my son and me…Today when we separate from our tasks my son whispered to me “ma’ i’m gonna miss you again & he reminded me to call him on hi break time”… When I arrived in my table I open my bible & relied my feelings to Gods words… and cried to him…. Ms. Amanda what I’ve seen your right respond on your struggles I’m praying I can still carry and endure everything to have a right respond… Everyday its getting harder to deal with, but I kept my faith to God… Can I hear more of you an any way around? Can I contact you through email?

            Love Lots,

            Darl

          2. Darl1982,

            That must be really hard to deal with! It sounds like you and your husband are separated or divorced? That is very hard to deal with, and especially having to see the hurt it causes for your son as well, having to go back and forth.

            You are always welcome to email me if you need to talk at manduhhh12@yahoo.com!

            I hope we can have fellowship together and be supportive through all these hard things!

            Lots of love,
            Amanda

  14. Right on time. Enjoyed this. Will be saving this post to read every time I struggle in my certain “wait” situation right now for something I truly desire.

    For me, I stay reading and praying and talking to God to remind myself He knows best. It’s definitely a DAILY battle. One day I’m positive, content and okay and the next I’m stressed. Usually if I take a walk I feel better. Relieves my mind and have a nice conversation with the Lord. He usually reminds me not to complain and that I should be grateful exactly where I am now. That the Lord has given me what I asked for and will always continue to give me the desires of my heart if it’s BEST for me and my husband. Definitely hard to wait but I have to just trust the Lord and enjoy NOW.

    1. Chloe N.,

      I’m so thankful that the Lord used this to be a blessing.

      I love your heart for the Lord and that you seek out time to be with Him and to listen and receive His truth. When we can be thankful and trust Him, it is such a beautiful thing!

      Much love, my dear sister!

  15. Thank you endlessly! I am so, so broken!
    If you can, please, e-mail me. Can you see my e-mail or do I write it to you?
    💟☉

  16. Humbled Husband,

    Had to reply here, the little thingy wasn`t on that last comment box. But, well, that is a bummer that you guys tried that and it didn`t help. I mean good on you that you were able and willing to give space to her pain and anger. It`s hard to listen to someone vent and vent all the hurt and anger they feel against you, whether its deserved or totally unfair.

    I had to listen to my daughter go after me several times, one session lasted for an hour and when it ended we were both in tears, ragged heaving broken sobs and desolate wails, and she hung up on me at the end of it leaving me shattered and feeling inside-out. I know for some folks, getting it all out actually helps get things off their chest and moves them forward when they really feel heard and like the other person is willing to listen. But for others, talking about it is just rehearsing it, like wearing deep wagon ruts even deeper, making it hard for the wheels to jump out of the tracks that are now controlling the direction of movement. ( I suppose that could be the working definition of a stronghold in terms of how it works)

    I hesitated to ask about that suggestion because I know what its like to have Job`s comforters around with their useless advice and victim-blaming and spouting the accepted but clueless pious platitudes that get bandied about in Christian circles. Sometimes even the kindest and most well-meant advice from truly understanding and merciful people who want to help, can still feel like sandpaper against raw burnt skin. So I hope I didn`t do that to you. (((((( )))))

    1. Hi 7TIMES,

      Your advice has not harmed in any way 🙂 I like your description of how talking about it is like wearing deep wagon ruts even deeper. I think that is exactly what happened in our situation, I listened to anger, to pain, to tears, to cursing and accepted all of it, but have now been labelled as the ‘whole reason’ for our failure.

      Anyway, putting that aside, I have thought through the second marriage issue many, many times. I agree that God can and will give us specific leading on this, if we are willing to let Him lead on it. I had a situation a few months ago where I was very attracted to a godly woman, but I did not say anything and instead specifically released her to God in my mind and said His will be done. Two weeks later, she moved hundreds of km away without me saying a word to her or anyone. It was a pretty clear indication to walk away and helped me to process my own feelings. God was good to help me through this.

      But even with that guidance in that situation, it is still very difficult to see a path through sometimes. I am not settled as to whether I would be ok getting married again. I can see clearly from scripture that adultery is a clear breaking of the marriage covenant and on that grounds our marriage has been broken by my ex wife many, many times over with many different men, both before and after our separation. Our divorce, which will be finalised soon, was filed by my ex wife, not by me, and I have no say in the matter unless I want to go to court and fight it with a lawyer. So I will be divorced by her choice and will have had our marriage covenant broken by her decisions, regardless of what I want.

      But, I still can not come to peace on remarriage. When I think of remarriage, I consider the vows that I made with my ex wife many years ago. I vowed to be married until ‘death parted us’, and neither of us are dead! And nor do I want her dead!! I want her to thrive and be happy and have peace and joy. And, regardless of the adultery and the associated pain it causes me, I do not want to dishonour these vows. How can I vow the same thing to another woman if I did not honour it with the first?

      The second thing is the children. The reality is, I am the only father they will ever have and my ex wife is the only mother they will ever have. That bond can not be broken. To expect another woman to come into my life and care for children that she did not bring into this world would be an incredibly big burden for any woman, and I would struggle to impose that burden on a second wife. And also, to expect the children to accept another woman into their life as a ‘mother’ figure, the confusion and brokenness that it would bring into their life. I do not want to impose that burden on them either.

      The third thing is the constant interaction that a second wife would have to have with my ex wife. I have to see my ex wife at least 4 times a week to pick up and drop off the kids, and often more for school interviews, doctors appointments and so forth. I know how difficult it is for me to see her and her latest boyfriend together, it makes me feel physically sick. Would it be any easier for another woman to see my ex wife so often? Would she feel jealous and hurt? I don’t know, probably. I wouldn’t want another woman to have to feel that sort of jealousy and pain, I would want her to feel unique, special, the only one.

      Marriage is difficult enough the first time around, I can see very clearly that it would be even harder second time around as many new problems would be brought into the relationship that wouldn’t have been an issue in the first one. I will be very, very hesitant to move into a second marriage. I guess that’s why separated/divorced families are called ‘broken’ families, because they are quite literally broken.

      I do have a friend at church who has been married before and they divorced, then he met a wonderful Christian woman and he was saved through her witness and then they married. They now have a very close marriage and two children. They started serious bible study a few years after their marriage and were convicted about it being his second marriage (her first) and they made the decision together that if it were God’s will then they would separate and he would pursue reconciliation with his first wife. Incredible surrender to God’s will right there! But, through a lot of study, prayer and counsel together they both came to peace that the brokenness that would occur to their children would be more dishonourable to God than the brokenness that occurred with his first wife (with whom he had no children and was only married to for a year).

      I can and do have a lot of wonderful fellowship with a lot of wonderful Christian friends. Really, the only thing I am missing out on is physical intimacy and someone to ‘come home to’. But, I don’t want to let that loneliness or the physical desires push me into a second marriage that could be harder than the first, and I don’t want to give myself to another woman without being absolutely certain that I am honouring God with the decision and that I could and would honour and esteem her above all other woman for the rest of my earthly life. It is all in God’s hands. I know that somehow He will bring all of this brokenness into something beautiful and hey, there is plenty of single men who live very fulfilling lives for God’s glory!

      In Christ, HH

      1. HH, I am a child of divorce….x3. I looked at my step parents as “my parents spouses”, not as another mum or dad when I was a child. Some of them were downright mean people and God delivered me from them with a second divorce, but I was an adult and had my own family by then. My dad married for the 3rd time, for example, 5 years ago. His wife, who is only 10 years older than me, makes him extremely happy. Finally. I’m thankful to her for that. But she is not my mother. However, she loves my dad and is loving to us kids because of that. I love her for loving my dad. My step father recently passed, he had no kids of his own, but always felt we wrre his kids. I never wanted to rob him of that privilage. Even when him and my mom divorceD and he he remarried for the 3rd time, we remained close and I spent his final year helping to care for him. I am now caring for his widowed wife (the one he married after my mom) through her surgical recovery. I actually feel more blessed for having more parents in my life. But I didn’t feel that as a teen, for sure! Lol.

        I know your kids are young, but time helps. Asking another woman to help raise your children would definitely be a very unselfish thing for her to do. But if you find a loving woman and a Godly woman she will most likely be very willing to do such a thing. It’s unfortunate that your wife is living the life of sin that she has. It basically has put your marriage to death. Even if it wasn’t something you wanted to happen, it still happened. You did all you could to try to rectify the marriage but ultimately it is two seperate people and not just one person. She will have to be accountable for her sins. And you for yours. However, if you have asked God for forgiveness and repented, you are seen as sinless to God because Jesus paid the debt of your sin. Please receive it and not let Jesus’ death be for nothing. Of course you need to pray to God and follow his Direction with any moving forward and possibly having another marriage, however I don’t believe our loving God would want you to suffer because of the choices of someone else forever. Hopefully this helps. You could still very possibly glorify God’s design for marriage in a second marriage. Fear does not need to rule. It may have its own set of problems, but with God, all things are possible. You also may feel led and decide to never marry again, it’s the life you live FOR and WITH God that matters most. Hugs.

        1. LMS,

          What a broken, hurt childhood you have had. I am so sorry for the experiences you have had to go through but so happy that you have grown through them and are living your own life as a reflection of Jesus ☺

          Yes, her decisions have not been good. I’m not willing to talk about them on here, still thinking on emailing you. I may yet.

          In Christ, HH

          1. HH. The reality is that we are all broken and damaged. I still feel blessed to feel that despite my broken childhood, I turned out to be a pretty decent person. I was loved by many, and my kids have lots of grandparent love. I used to think that my broken home was a detriment to marriage, especially because my husband’s parents are still together. But lately, these last few years going through my own marital issues, I feel like I was prepared by it instead. My parents divorces became the “beauty from the ashes” when i had to face my own issues. I knew how hard divorce was on kids, how angry and bitter things can get, the jockeying back and forth etc. Step parents, different rules and houses, etc. So I fought harder to do what IS right, not just what FEELS right in my own marriage. My husband has no real idea what divorce is like, so it seems like such an everyday, easy back door answer to him. I feel I know better. But I am living proof that there is life after divorce and it can be used for God’s good if we trust Him with it all.

            I leave your choice to write completely in your judgement. I very much respect your integrity to not publicize your wife’s failings. I’ll pray for you to receive wisdom and discernment in seeking help, friendship and the body of Christ in the way that God, our good father feels is best for you.

            All my respect to you, brother.

          2. Hi LMS,

            Yes, we are all broken aren’t we. All in different ways. It makes the pursuit of truth and healing so important. The truth will, and does, set us free. Lies keep us captive. Like you are aware, it is the kids that are victims of divorce. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept brokenness for my kids. I can carry my hurt, but to see them hurt is more than I can bear sometimes. And more than my ex wife can bear sometimes too, she often cries when she drops them off.

            I very much respect your stand for your own marriage and I pray for you often. I think, in one way, this broken marriage has made me a MUCH better father. In my desire to shield them as much as possible I have surrendered so much more to God and have grown in patience, in love, in strength and in many ways that will bear fruit in them long term. That is good.

            I think, much as I appreciate your sincere offer of communication and support via email, I can not accept it. I am happy to support you and receive support on open platforms like this with whatever we both feel ok to share, but I think it wise to keep specific disclosures of specific things within circles that I can be accountable and walk with integrity. I often think of Joseph when he discovered that Mary was pregnant and thought she had been committing adultery, it says he did not want to subject her to public disgrace. That is my desire also ☺ Judgement is God’s job, and without disclosing any details, He has caused her to have to face consequences far beyond anything that I would have expected already.

            I have support here now. I have been carrying a lot myself as I didn’t want to expose her actions, and there have been some things to face that were much bigger than I thought possible, but unfortunately they were exposed in ways I could not stop. And, since things were exposed, my church body has stepped up to the plate and I have regular contact with good, Christian blokes. Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary and one of my good friends caught up with me. We took the kids to the local botanic gardens, they went for a paddle in the lake (read; walked in so deep that they both needed a full change of clothes and their gumboots are currently airing on the line lol) and had lunch. It was good. I have come a long way and I well and truly have the tools to face what I need to face ☺

            Love in Christ, my sister. We have prevailed amd will continue to prevail, as our eyes are fixed on Christ. HH

      2. A blessed day to you HH,

        Amen for that!

        We can moved on not in the hands of another person, Christ is enough for us & our children as well… I praise God that in different nation, cultures, tradition, belief, there are still parents who will stood firm in Gods will…

        Mr. HH, you pleased God, your compliments here can ease the pain of the broken people, you remind me my late Father, though my parents separated in my early age, my Father didn’t compromised into another marriage, I testified how he stand as a mother & father in my daily undertakings… And I’m gonna do that for my son, we will move forward with God in our heart…

        May God bless your heart Mr. HH..

        Friendship goal
        Darl

  17. HH, I hear you; second marriage is not something to be entered into without a lot of thought and laying of groundwork. I too have been through two parental divorces as well as my own and have had step parents and now am one. I had two step moms. One was an alcoholic who was very immature and the marriage to my dad lasted three months. I had come home from school to find a wedding in progress to a woman I had never seen before! However her parents were wonderful and included me in their lives as if I was their flesh and blood granddaughter and even bought me a horse for Christmas. They were cattle ranchers. When the marriage broke up after three months I was heartbroken because I knew I would never see them or my horse again. I cannot describe the anguish I went through when I realized that once again, I was being robbed of having a family. The third wife was manipulative and two faced and stayed with my father even though he did harm to her daughter. I got replaced by her and her children so it was very painful. She made sure to get rid of me because I was a threat. So I know the ugly side of the whole second ( and in some cases third) marriage and blended family scenario.

    I think if one is released by God to remarry, that there are women and men out there with generous hearts who can make a difference and who don’t see taking their new spouses children into their hearts as a burden but rather as a ministry. I never forgot my step grandparents. They gave me one of the best experiences of normalcy in my life even though it was short lived. I don’t know what happened to their kids but they were great. So it can be positive too.

    I think, speaking from a second wife’s perspective, a lot of how things go with the ex wife, how special you feel as a wife, etc, depends on the husband and the stance he takes, the boundaries he practices and how he upholds her and values her, protects her if she is under attack. But you are right, there is a lot to consider.

    1. 7TIMES,

      Wow, what a heartbreaking childhood journey! I thank God that you are seeking Him through this. I pray that my own children will be able to find peace through the process as best as they can. I hear in their voices so much pain, I try to minimise it as much as I can but it is still there. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing ☺

      In Christ, HH

  18. April, I just want to leave a comment to say thank you for your personal responses on this and every page on your blog. I pray God blessed you greatly for the time you take to pray with others and point them to Jesus. The amount of comments is staggering! 🙂 there is obviously a need, and I have been incredibly blessed reading this blog. Although the trials and sufferings are so painful at times, I have enormous comfort and peace knowing intimately how much our Father loves us. I can’t wait until we can all meet in heaven!! Lots of love to you and your family, April 🙂

    1. SavedbyChrist,

      This is one of my favorite places to be in all the world. It is my honor and joy that God gives me this incredible opportunity to share the treasures that are in Christ and to pour out His healing, love, and truth to those who come to this place. I feel like the most blessed woman on the planet that God allows me to do this and to be part of His work in so many lives. 🙂

      Yes, there is such comfort and peace in the Lord and in His love for us and His sovereignty! May we all be able to wrap our minds around it.

      I look forward so much to meeting everyone I have spoken to online in heaven. I want to see every single person there.

      Thank you for the love – sending much love and a big hug to you, too, my precious sister!

  19. quick question. My ex-husband and I have been on a reconciliation journey that has hit a snag. He told me ” I’m not saying I won’t come back, but I need to heal”. I understand I need to give him space and let him talk if/when he wants to. So does that mean no contact from me? Or can I give him a “have a great day” or ” I love you”?? I don’t want to push him away.

    1. Marsha Martin,

      That is a good question. Unless he has said that he wants to hear from you, I would suggest waiting respectfully and letting him decide when he wants to come toward you. A good general rule of thumb, in my view, in a situation like this, is to let him initiate contact, and let him direct the frequency of communication. So if he texts you once, you may want to text once in response. If he texts once and you text 27 times, that is not very balanced. Remember that words don’t tend to be very bonding for men. Actions mean more than words. He will be more likely, in most cases, to respond to your respect for his request for space than to lots of loving text messages. If he feels very hurt, those words may not mean much to him, and may be irritating if he is not ready for them.

      Praying for God’s continued healing. I am very encouraged that he is leaving the door open to coming back. And that he is being honest about what he needs.

      Much love to you! And a big hug!

  20. Peaceful wife,

    For some reason I couldn’t reply to your comment so I will need to reply here. No, I do not feel he is serious in his telling me he wishes for death. I think it’s more to try to let me know how “miserable I make him”. He takes adderall 20mg for ADHD. I’m not sure if his behavior is a side effect of the med or not. And yes, I’m ready to talk about next steps.

    1. Oh and to clarify I left our home not my husband since it’s his home he shared with his children when we got married I moved in.

    2. Callmeblessed,

      Adderall is only really in effect until about supper time. After that, it is out of his system. As a pharmacist, I know that Adderall can cause some people to be more hateful or even aggressive. Although, for others, the opposite is true. Does the verbal abuse tend to happen more during the day before about 5pm or is it after? Does he tend to over exaggerate things and/or have difficulty regulating emotional outbursts?

      Have I shared some resources with you about dealing with a spouse who has ADHD?

      Do you believe he is serious about saying he wants a divorce?

      Have you had any interaction with him since you left?

      How are you doing spiritually at this point?

      Much love and a huge hug!

      1. 1.) He seems to react most at night when we are in bed. That is when the majority of our conflict has started. He will start shaking his leg, then will usually blurt out something hurtful and the argument begins.

        2.) He has difficulty controlling his emotions and seems to react irrationally. For instance the example I gave where on Sunday night I told him I was willing to help him by continuing to bring his kids to his Mothers house in the morning, but they would need to get to bed early (like 8:30) since we would be leaving the house around 5:45am. His response was to curse me out and tell me if I wasn’t helping him I could just leave, that it’s his kids’ summer and they don’t need to be going to bed early. Overreactions like this happen a couple times a week maybe.

        3.) I don’t think I have seen an article on ADHD husbands but I can certainly search the blog.

        4.) I’m not sure if he’s serious about divorce ☹️ So far I have not been served but I’m sure it will take awhile to get everything together. I am staying with my parents right now until I can get a place and my Stepmom is really pushing me to file for divorce and my Dad is following her now. I keep telling them I am no where near ready to make that decision right now. The truth is, I know my marriage is a total wreck right now. I know any sane person probably would’ve divorced him. But I am not ready to make that decision yet. I only received one text from him the day after I left where he said that it breaks his heart that we are so different and he will help me in any way he can. That sounds like he is thinking our marriage is over…

        5.) No more interaction between us

        6.) I am drawing closer to God the best I can. I am trying to not be consumed with thoughts of my husband and I am feeling more of Gods peace. The mornings are the hardest when I wake up and he’s not there next to me in bed. I have surrendered my marriage to God in prayer. I have clung to Gods promise that He will use this for my good, though that might not mean reconciliation for my husband and I. Today is a bit better than yesterday was.

        1. Callmeblessed,

          1. Almost anyone will have ADD symptoms if they are sleep deprived enough. Exhaustion makes all of the ADD symptoms flare up. Greg and I don’t have ADD or ADHD, but years ago, even before I began this journey to discover how to be a godly wife, he made a rule. That was very rare for him back then! But he decided that nothing good would happen after 10:00pm. I tended to want to have deep discussions and to dissect our relationship late at night. He felt that was unwise and just led to fights. He was so smart to do this! If y’all do get back together, it may be wise to have a mutual agreement not to have life changing discussions after 9:00pm or a certain time at night.

          2. Almost everyone with ADD/ADHD has greater difficulty regulating emotions to a degree. There are ways to respond that help to de-escalate things. Are you familiar with that? I am assuming you do not have ADD/ADHD or any other mental health issues, is that correct?

          3. I don’t have articles here that I have written specifically about ADD/ADHD. Although, you can search “Satisfied Wife” because a good bit of what she shares may be helpful. Some resources that may be helpful, although they are not Christian resources are:

          – Married to Distraction by Dr. Hallowell
          ADDitude Magazine (online)
          Dr. Hallowell’s website

          Dr. Hallowell is a psychiatrist who works with ADD/ADHD patients and who has ADD himself. He has a unique perspective that I think may be a blessing. Just compare anything he, or any human author, says to scripture, of course!

          4. I don’t think it is time to make such a drastic decision. I don’t think you have a biblical justification for divorce – from what you have shared. I think the ADHD thing may be a big piece of the puzzle. And, of course, there are other issues, too. But I don’t know that it means you have to throw the marriage away. I think it is time to pray and seek the Lord. I also think it is time to seek to understand your husband’s mindset and how best to relate to him in a productive, godly way. My desire is that you respond as the Lord desires you to and that you become more and more like Christ and that you please Him. Ask God what He desires you to change. Ask Him to work in your husband’s heart. Ask Him to show you the light you need for each step and be willing to do whatever He calls you to do.

          5. What do you want to happen?

          6. That sounds like a great start.

          Much love to you, my precious sister!

          1. Peaceful wife,

            First of all thank you for all your attentiveness in answering your blog so quickly. I read that you are going through family things right now so please take all the time you need in responding back. You (and this blog) have been such a blessing to me.

            I was diagnosed with depression a few years back and took Wellbutrin for it, but after feeling like that depression lifted I stopped a couple years ago.

            What do I want to happen? As in with our interaction or marriage in general?

            I want my marriage to be saved. I wish my husband would call me. I miss seeing his face. I want to see into his heart like God does, because I think I would see past all his hateful words and the ways he pushes me away and I would see deep down a man who is hurting but is scared to go to his Father. I want, more than anything for him to understand the unfathomable love that God has for Him. That he would draw near to that love and rest in it. I would give up my marriage for that. And that is such a tremendously hard thing for me to lay at the cross. But oh I want to do it. The spirit is willing… but the flesh is weak.

          2. Callmeblessed,

            Do you believe you have the freedom to call him and meet with him to tell him that you don’t want the marriage to end and you miss him – and what you would like to see happen?

            Much love!

  21. Here is a post that may be helpful by Shaunti Feldhahn, “How Do I Respect an Imperfect Husband?”

    Shaunti recommends starting with her 30 day kindness challenge. I think this is an amazing idea!

    Here is what a reader wrote to her…

    Dear Shaunti,

    I really struggle with the whole ‘respect your husband’ thing you talk about in your book For Women Only. How do I do that? My husband has a huge amount of pride and is unable to accept any criticism or failure on his part; he always throws mistakes back on me. I can’t help but see him as irresponsible and prideful at times. I know that I have delivered some harsh criticism to him over the 14 years of our marriage, which probably contributes to the defensiveness, but I’ve gotten better over the last few years. He is a faithful husband and very loving father, but there are so many times that he seems to place a higher value on our two daughters than on our marriage. He loves to be their hero to a fault, so that his relationship with them seems to be a codependent one. I can’t seem to change the way I think about him. And I’m tired of feeling like he values our daughters more than me.

    -Second Fiddle

    Now check out Shaunti’s response:
    http://shaunti.com/2017/06/how-to-respect-an-imperfect-husband/

  22. Peaceful wife,

    To answer your question about calling him and asking him to meet. Before I saw that message, this is what happened yesterday (Thursday).

    It is his youngest son’s birthday on Saturday and yesterday was my day off so I asked my husbands mom
    If I could pick up the boys from her so I could give the youngest some gifts. I took them out and we had a lot of
    fun. Earlier in the day I stopped at my husbands house to pick up a few more pair of shoes since I only had the pair of sandals I took with me.

    He had turned every picture of him and I over so it was facing down. That hurt me but I wasn’t sure if he was doing it because they were sad for him to see?

    The house was a huge mess (think a messy guy, and two younger boys) and my heart was moved to compassion when I thought of the three of them staying in this messy house. So I cleaned it up, spotless and did a couple loads of laundry. All this was while my husband was at work. I left before I knew he would get home to pick up the boys and go out with them.

    While we were out the oldest kept asking me if I could come home, and I told him that Daddy and I needed to talk about everything. And I still cared for Daddy very much, and of course them. And no matter what happened I would be there for them. When I got back to the house to drop them off I was so excited to see my husband. I had put a little effort in to trying to get ready and look nice. When I saw him he was in the backyard working on the lawn mower.

    I smiled brightly and said “hi”, and he said “hi” back. I asked how he was doing and he said that work had been crazy. After a couple minutes of us not talking I asked him if he would like to set up a time to talk. He said that he would be busy with getting ready for his trip (he’s going to work A technology convention in Chicago) but we can talk when he gets back. But he didn’t sound super convicted about doing it. He never said anything about me cleaning the house, which is ok. I didn’t do it for him to thank me.

    So I left the house, super sad. When I got back to my parent’s I sent him an email saying that I missed him and I didn’t blame him for what happened but that we’ve both played a part. I told him I wanted to come home and work on our marriage. I sent the email then checked this blog and saw your last message.

    So far I’ve not heard back from him 😞 I feel such sorrow that he doesn’t seem to be putting our marriage as a priority right now. I feel like he is adjusting to life without me. I’m being all kinds of paranoid and crazy right now if I’m honest. This is super embarrassing to admit but I’m even thinking, “what if he goes on this trip and meets someone and brings her back to his hotel room or something?” And I would never know. I just feel like he’s so cold and distant, he could really do anything and try to justify it.

    1. Callmeblessed,

      I love what you did. I love your approach and beautiful attitude. I think that was a good email.

      Now – Satan will try to get in your head and get you to follow all kinds of toxic “what if” trails. Don’t fall for it. Keep your eyes on the Lord. Don’t make assumptions about what your husband thinks or his motives or what he might do. Take those thoughts captive for Christ. We will pray together for the Lord to work in his heart and for healing for your marriage.

      Thank and praise God for what He is about to do in your life, in your husband’s life, and in the children’s lives. Sing praises to Him. Focus on Philippians 4:8 things. Rest in His love and sovereignty. Let’s see what God will do.

      Much love!

      1. I am totally doing all of this.

        Can we all just reflect on how awesome these are for a sec?:

        “I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid; I will help you.’”

        ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:13‬ ‭GW

        “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.””

        ‭‭Exodus‬ ‭14:14‬ ‭

        I’m not fighting against my husband of course but this spiritual battle is a fierce one. What a joy to know I’m on the winning team!

        I have 4 pages of handwritten stuff about Gods promises for us. Most of it from Davids psalms. How I relate to him so much. Not that my heart is anywhere near the great heart he had for the Lord, but in the way that he got himself into a lot of messes but always knew God would get him out.

        And last I love this one. Which is the same verse I keep praying for my husband and I. That we both would get new hearts. But I love how this version is worded:

        Ezekiel 36:26 (TLB)

        And I will give you a new heart—I will give you new and right desires—and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love.

        1. Callmeblessed,

          LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Yes! Let’s stop and reflect on how awesome God’s promises are to us, His faithfulness, His purposes for us, and His love. Makes me want to dance for joy!

          I pray these things along with you for you and your husband – and for all of us and all of the wayward spouses represented here.

          Thank you very much for sharing!

          1. Peaceful wife, (anyone else can chime in too)

            My husband has not replied to my email I sent last Thursday and I’ve tried to call a couple times since I left and he has not answered or returned my calls. I feel like he is already moving on and it’s only been a week. 😞

            Right now I don’t have my bed or any of my bigger belongings. How long should I give it before I try to get those things? I waited on getting them because I didn’t want to communicate to my husband that I wouldn’t be back, but now it seems like he won’t allow me to come back because he’s pretending I don’t exist anymore.

          2. Callmeblessed,

            What do you believe the Lord desires you to do?

            What do you want to see happen in the marriage?

            The answers to these questions will largely determine how you want to communicate and what you say and how much you want to force these issues.

          3. Callmeblessed,

            I would also suggest praying, maybe even fasting. Ask the Lord to provide an opportunity for you to go there in peace to attempt to reconcile if that is your desire. Ask the Lord to soften his heart. Yes, it would be tempting to call the police to go with you to get your stuff. And, if you truly believe that is what God desires you to do, you could be free to do that.

            But – if you desire reconciliation, perhaps you can pray and ask some other prayer warriors to pray for God to move in your husband’s heart. And to give you clear vision about when/how to approach him. Whether you should go there in person. What to say. If you should have anyone with you. And ask God to help you show your husband that you come in peace, if that is what you believe the Lord desires you to do.

  23. Peacefulwife,

    I think the Lord wants to be put in his rightful place as number one in my life. I think He wants me to surrender my marriage to him completely but I don’t have the discernment yet to know if that means no contact with my husband or not. Every Christian resource I’m reading about separations is saying that you need to set up expectations for contact and other things right from the get go. It seems like if we have no contact at all that will just force us to start moving on faster.

    I want our marriage to be restored. I want God to give us a new marriage where He is our foundation. I know my husband is not living for God right now so I know I can only change myself and reflect the love of Jesus to him. And hopefully that would win him over. I want us to create a legacy and not just be another statistic of another failed marriage.

    I am so fearful my husband is closing the door. My grief is so thick it’s suffocating me. I think about how scripture says the two will become one flesh and how this hurts so much because my flesh is being torn from me. I am constantly in prayer but I don’t have any enduring peace. I don’t know how to *not* put my hope in reconciliation.

    1. Callmeblessed,
      Would it be okay if we do a bit of a spiritual check up together?

      I believe you will have pain in a time like this – but I also believe you can live in God’s peace, trusting in Him to work all things ultimately for your good and His glory even in this storm. I would be glad to point you to the healing and hope that is in Christ – no matter what your husband may or may not do.

      A few posts that may be helpful:

      This one by Humbled Husband – A Husband Faces God’s Power in the Midst of a Fierce Storm.

      The Worst Year of My Life – But Then… God.

      A Divorce and Reconciliation Story

      Also, please search:

      – peaceful separated wife
      – peaceful divorced wife
      – insecurity
      – security
      – responsible for myself spiritually
      – responsible for my emotions
      – when your husband says, “I’m done”

      And check out my videos:

      “Is Divorce the Worst Thing That Can Happen?”
      Contentment in Any Circumstance
      Taking Our Thoughts Captive

      The great news is – NO ONE – not even your husband – can snatch you from God’s hand. No one can thwart His good plans for you. I believe He may use this time to take you much deeper in your faith and to help you grow by leaps and bounds in Christ if you are open to all He has for you. And my prayer is that He will reach your husband and supernaturally provide the way for you to speak to him peacefully and to have favor with him. My prayer is God’s healing for you both and His greatest glory!

  24. Yes please!!! I am asking in the church for people to pray for me I will be praying all throughout the day and I will fast as well. Maybe God will do a miracle. 🙏🏻 Thank you for the excellent advice and I am sorry I have I’ve been such a burden on you lately.

    1. Callmeblessed,

      Please do not ever apologize for sharing a painful experience so that we can pray with you and love you. This is what the body of Christ is for. You are not a burden! You are a beloved daughter of the King of kings. It is my honor to walk beside you on this road and to praise and thank God with you for all He will do in your family and your life.

      I don’t carry the weight of the burden on my shoulders – I lay you and all of the weight before Jesus. He is the one who can heal and who is sovereign and can do miracles.

      Much love!

      1. Peaceful wife and others,

        It has been a week since I sent that email to my husband. He has made no effort to respond to it or contact me in any other way, other than to let me know I had mail at the house and his Dad would be house sitting while my husband was working a conference in Chicago.

        My question is this, when/how should I approach logistical things? I have two bills that are in my name for the house that I kind of don’t want to keep paying if I don’t live there. I don’t want him to take this as I won’t continue to try to fight for our marriage, yet I have also made my intentions for reconciliation known and he has not responded.

        He came back into town late last night and I had been hoping very much we would get a chance to sit and talk face-to-face about what to expect going forward, but due to his almost total lack of contact with me in the past week and a half, I don’t expect him to be asking for that meeting.

        Wisdom/discernment is much needed.

        1. Callmeblessed,

          Would you be able to take a trusted pastor with you to the house to meet with him to discuss these things – or another godly male family member, perhaps? Praying for God’s wisdom for you. Yes, these decisions will have to be made and the logistics will need to be taken care of.

  25. I am really getting the feeling he wanted a divorce and his name calling, constant arguing was in an effort to push me to the point of leaving, and now he had gotten what he wants. I really hope that is not the case as I feel that would be evil.

    1. Callmeblessed,

      I have seen things like that happen sometimes. He will answer to the Lord for his motives and actions – and “every careless word spoken.” My greatest desire is that you might respond in ways that honor the Lord and for God to provide for you every step of the way.

  26. Hi Peaceful wife!

    I just wanted to update, since I would always read the comments and get interested in people’s stories and never know what happened.

    I am still separated from my husband, and he just filed for divorce a couple weeks ago. I really wish we could have been this wonderful story of reconciliation, but it seems our chapter is coming to a close.

    This has been without a doubt, the HARDEST season in my life. I truly have so much empathy for people that go through divorce. I am dealing with a lot of anger now, mostly at my STBXH’s total indifference towards me in this whole process. Not a single time in 3 months has he reached out to me to express regret, remorse for his abusive actions or attempt to get help or reconcile.

    You know how during the hardest times in our lives a lot of people will say “Well God told me this”… or “I felt God leading me to this”? For three straight months I poured out my heart to God every day. I cried and surrendered, and

    1. ….continued…. clung to my marriage and had to surrender it again. There were days I woke up and I thought I would literally die of a broken heart, my chest felt so heavy with grief.

      I never really felt God really pushing me to stand for reconciliation. And now it makes sense I guess. Or maybe I just don’t hear Him.

      But going forward I feel that although I made mistakes during our separation, I truly kept my heart open to reconciliation and did try everything that (was in my power to do). So I don’t think I will have regrets.

      Does anyone have any advice/resources on how to deal with the wounds from a cold, indifferent spouse?

      I am trying not to adopt this worthless, unloved feeling as my identity, but it is hard not to when he let our marriage go so easily. He saw me, good and bad, happy and sad and decided in the end I wasn’t worth it. And that’s the hardest thing for me.

      So maybe some stuff on our identity in Christ would be good too.

      1. Callmeblessed,

        My dear sister! How I wish I could give you the biggest hug!

        😪

        I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. I know this is not at all what you wanted.

        I know it is tempting to listen to the lies of the enemy that your husband’s behavior is tied to your worth. Thankfully, that is not true!

        I’d love to do a bit of a spiritual check up with you and then share some resources and truth and love from God to point you to the healing that is available to you in Christ.

        Much love! Thank you for bravely reaching out!

        This is not the end for you. God is not done with you. There is a lot of good stuff He still has planned that no one can take from you. ❤️💜❤️

          1. CallMeBlessed,

            Okay, here we go… 🙂

            1. What is your understanding, as best as you can describe it, of your worth and value to the Lord?

            2. What do you desire most in your walk with Jesus?

            3. What are your greatest fears?

            4. What do you believe needs to happen in your life for you to be content?

            5. Do you believe you are able to let your husband go and trust God at this point no matter what may happen? Why or why not?

            6. What do you usually pray about?

            7. How do you spend time with the Lord? What does your quiet time look like? How do you nourish your soul?

            8. What kind of spiritual support do you have at this time?

            Much love to you!

      2. Hey Anonymous,

        That’s the hardest part of it, isn’t it! The feeling of complete worthlesness that comes when someone decides that you just aren’t worth it. Especially when you truly did everything that you could to facilitate a reconciliation. I know the sense of emasculation that I felt was completely overwhelming some days and it effected everything, work, social life, everything. And the reality is that these wounds are DEEP. Possibly, in my view, some of the deepest wounds that can be inflicted on a person, particularly infidelity is involved.

        For me, those wounds were dealt with through truly seeing and accepting my identity in Christ. Isaiah 61 was a passage that opened my eyes to the reality of this identity and it centres primarily around love ☺ Isaiah 61 talks about being brokenhearted, captive and in darkness. A broken heart is usually associated with an absence of love. Captivity is being in a place that we can not escape from. Darkness is associated with not being able to see. All of these states are dealt with in Christ!

        Although we may not be loved by the one who vowed to love us for life we are TOTALLY loved in Christ, as demonstrated by the cross!
        We may be kept captive by the thought that we are not worth someone’s time but we are worth EVERYTHING to the one who holds time in His hand!
        We may be in darkness and believing that lies about ourself and our value but Christ is the light that sets us free. I believe a big part of this is by seeing ourselves through His eyes, which are the eyes of truth ☺

        This morning I was leading worship at my home church and singing the song “He has made me glad” and He HAS!!!! I was once where you are now, totally rejected and worth nothing to someone who vowed to love me for life. But in Christ I have found all of the love and worth my heart craved, plus more. And I can see now that my ex spouse is looking for that same love, but in all of the wrong places. Seeing that also helps me understand that her rejection of me isn’t really about me, it is about her own sense of self worth, which allows me to view her with compassion and grace.

        I pray that you will be able to accept the truth about yourself and your worth to Christ ☺ And if you are able to, allowing yourself to walk through a journey towards Christ with someone like April would be a tremendous help to yourself.

        Love in Christ, HH

        1. HH,
          Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with our sister. I know it will be such a blessing for her to hear your story and what the Lord had done to heal you. I’m glad to help CallMeBlessed in any way I can.

        2. HH-

          Thank you so much for this. It means a lot to me to hear from someone who has walked the same road as me, and is a little further down the path.

          I can rationally see that STBXH’s mistreatment of me says more about HIM than it does about ME. But I feel the rejection so strongly. Maybe the Enemy is working overtime on me. Maybe he is sitting back with his arms folded saying “I don’t even have to do anything, she’s doing it all to herself”. Because I’m asking myself over and over why I wasn’t enough.

          I really hope I can find all the love my heart could crave from Jesus, as you have. Because if I’m being honest I’m totally not there yet. Not even close.

          I really appreciate all you said.

          1. Anon wife,

            You are more than welcome. It is not surprising that you are keenly feeling the rejection and asking yourself why weren’t you enough. These are VERY natural things to be feeling.

            Can I say, your response to April’s questions are so open and honest and I believe that you have a genuine and open heart. You are asking real questions and I believe that you will find real answers, I am already convinced that God will be able to minister His love to you. The answers you are looking for are there, and there are many people in the body of Christ who can and will minister to you.

            I resonate with your questions of wondering if you are God’s child and whether He really does love you. Your fear of abandonment. I asked the same questions. You prompted a memory of kneeling on an isolated hill in the middle of the Australian outback at 3 AM looking up at the sky begging God to show me if He really loved me! I can tell you assuredly that He does, and I wouldn’t exchange that love or peace for anything.

            I do not spend much time ministering to women, particularly when they are hurting as you are, as I keep strict boundaries on my emotional involvement with women and I believe that God has equipped other women for this role. But I will definitely pray for you today. Keep searching, HH

  27. 1. What is your understanding, as best as you can describe it, of your worth and value to the Lord?

    That’s the thing, I can’t really. I know the word says we are the righteousness of Christ. So does that mean when God sees me he sees what Christ did and not Callmeblessed the woman who swears sometimes, can be a selfish jerk and lacks a lot of trust? Then how do I reconcile that with scriptures like “narrow is the path” and “if you’re lukewarm I will spit you from my mouth”. Seems to me that is telling me that my connection to the Father through Christ is something that can be lost and I can be disowned. I can understand God as a Father that can turn His back on His children because they don’t obey well enough. That’s what my own Dad did to my sister and I. Jesus is someone I really want to know though.

    2. What do you desire most in your walk with Jesus?

    I want to understand who He was. I want His presence and peace. I want to understand what the gospel really is. Christianity has to be about more than just trying to become a better version of myself. I want to get to the dirt and grit of it. I want to him to dig down deep and uproot all of me that is at odds with His character.

    3. What are your greatest fears?

    Abandonment, never truly being loved.

    4. What do you believe needs to happen in your life for you to be content?

    I need to understand who Jesus was. I need Him to become real for me in a way He has not been up until this point.

    5. Do you believe you are able to let your husband go and trust God at this point no matter what may happen? Why or why not?

    Yes. I’m just having a hard time understanding his total indifference towards me. My need for an answer is holding me back. I may never get an answer. I need to come to peace with that.

    6. What do you usually pray about?

    Whew. Well the past few months it’s been reconciliation with my soon to be ex and for his heart and salvation. Now I just pray God will get me through the day. He will help me to let go. There will be a purpose to my pain. But most of all I pray God will become real to me like never before.

    7. How do you spend time with the Lord? What does your quiet time look like? How do you nourish your soul?

    I don’t get a lot. I’ve been busy trying to keep my mind of my soon to be ex. I’ve been flooding my brain with all kinds of stuff. I’m afraid of the quiet because I know that’s when I will start to think about the gravity of what I’ve lost. Early mornings are always the worst because I wake up, realize he left me and it’s truly over. I wonder if God accepts me and if I’m really His child.

    8. What kind of spiritual support do you have at this time?

    I see a counselor every two weeks and go to Divorcecare at my church. I attend church in Sunday’s when I’m not working my second job.

    ….I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my answers. I’m just trying to be real with what I’m feeling.

    1. CallMeBlessed,

      I agree with HH, it sounds like your heart is in the right place, like it is soft, and ready to seek the Lord and hear from Him. When I see this kind of attitude, I know that God is about to do some amazing things!

      1. Well that is a BIG clue to me right there about what is going on with you spiritually. Thank you for your willingness to share so honestly. I depend on women sharing openly and honestly so that we can get to the bottom of their current thinking that may be toxic. We have to be able to examine the core beliefs you have about yourself, God, your dad, men, women, marriage, etc… All of the thoughts you have on these topics, your “fixed beliefs” that you probably developed in childhood greatly impact what you think about these topics and how you relate to God, to men, to your husband, to others, and to yourself.

      The way it generally works is – children tend to learn to trust God by learning to experience the love of their earthly dads and learning to trust them. We have a tendency to assume that God is very much like our earthly dads. That works pretty well when a child has a godly dad. Of course, there is no totally perfect dad. All dads stumble and sin at some point. We all have some degree of woundedness and skewed thinking about God that we develop in childhood, often. It can be very related to our own dad’s personality and sins against us. That is not the only issue, but it is a big issue.

      All of us have to do some serious, and sometimes painful, heart work as we “wake up” to the Lord. We have to be willing to question our fixed beliefs about our dads, God, ourselves, and some other things, too. We have to be willing to see what we believe is true (in our subconscious, often) and compare it to what the Bible actually says. Then we have to be willing to trash any skewed beliefs about God, ourselves, and others. As adults, we get to choose to keep anything good and biblical that our parents did in their example to us. But we can choose to reject anything they did that was not of the Lord. Then we can rebuild our fixed beliefs on God’s truth. This is called “transforming our minds” Rom. 12:1-2. We invite God’s power and His Spirit and truth into our lives. We allow Him to shine His blazing Light into the darkest places of our souls and minds. We allow Him to help us see anything that is not of Him and that is rotting, full of gangrene and cancer, that is destroying us. And we let Him help us get rid of that. Then we receive good things from Him.

      No wonder you fear abandonment. You experienced it with your dad – which is not something any child should experience. And you are experiencing it with your husband – which is not something any wife should experience. As women, we tend to see our worth and value in the fact that we are loved. By our parents. By our husband. By our children. By friends and family.

      The problem is, people are sinners. People fail us. They can’t meet our deepest needs and if we build our value and worth on the love and opinions or approval of other people, we will destroy our lives. That is sinking sand. We need to build on the Solid Rock of Jesus and His truth. He is the only one who really can meet our deepest needs and will never fail us. He is the only one who can love us in the unconditional way we long to be loved.

      There are definitely very solid answers to your spiritual questions. I am planning to share some resources with you and some more detailed explanations as we correspond in the next few comments.

      One of the best examples of what God is like is the story of the Prodigal Son. The father portrays God’s love for us, even when we abandon Him. Even when we rebel against Him. He is there. Waiting, ready to extend love and grace to us when we turn from our sin and come to Him. Being a child of God is not something we can lose. God does not disown those who are His in Christ. Thankfully!

      2. Christianity is not at all about you doing anything for yourself. It is not about you trying to be better or be good enough in your own strength.

      Check out this post, perhaps it will shed some light on things.
      And then check out Cinderella and the Gospel.

      5. Have you read about idolizing our husbands at all on my blog? Or the concept of codependency or being enmeshed? Would you say it could be possible that you could have been enmeshed or codependent with your husband? Like maybe you depended on him to make you happy and tried to hold him responsible for your emotional and spiritual well-being? It is a super common thing for women (and men) to do this.

      7. If you spiritually starve yourself and don’t allow God’s Word and His Spirit to minister to you and heal you, you will continue to look to “broken cisterns” instead of the spring of “Living Water,” Jesus, and you will continue to be hopeless, depressed, frustrated, lonely, discouraged, and upset. What are you willing to do now to begin to let God have a big chunk of your time and attention?

      Did you know that He hurts when we ignore Him? He feels sad when we abandon Him and are indifferent to Him? A lot of the pain you feel when your husband left and doesn’t want to be with you – is very similar to the pain God feels when you don’t want to spend time with Him, love Him, and know Him.

      He longs for emotional and spiritual intimacy with you. He longs to heal your heart. If you are willing to do things His way and be still for a bit.

      I’m really glad you were honest. That is the only way we can really get to true healing, is to look at what is actually going on in your heart and mind.

      You haven’t offended me at all.

      Much love!
      April

      1. CallMeBlessed,

        Something I shared with another wife tonight:

        Ultimately, the process of healing is rather simple. Not to say it is easy – as in painless. But it is simple.

        Eventually, you get to the place where you decide that the Bible is true and God is who He says He is and you decide you will trust Him.

        This means, first, that we have to decide that the things we were trusting to tell us the truth are faulty:
        – our feelings
        – our past experiences and interpretations of what God was doing and who He was
        – our wrong assumptions
        – false teachings
        – other people
        – our own wisdom
        – the enemy’s lies
        – etc..

        Once we really grasp that God’s Word is infallible and that He is who He claims to be and we are who He claims we are, things begin to be a lot more clear.

        But there is often much wrestling to get to this point. There was for me.

        Sometimes, we have to do some serious research into why we can believe the Bible is true. http://www.josh.org and http://www.answersingenesis.com are great resources for that. Sometimes we have to do a study on God’s character and His attributes to really understand who He is and that He is maybe not who we had pictured in our minds.

        What I am after is deep, real, authentic heart change. For me, and for all of us. Superficial bandaids do nothing to heal deep scars and wounds. There is really nothing you can say that is going to scare me or freak me out. I know who God is. I know what His love is for you. Now I get to be like a “doula” who sits with you and cheers you on as this new life in Christ is birthed in you, too, just as God did for me and for thousands of other women in this place.

        You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to sugar coat your thoughts.

        It is safe here. You are welcome here. In Jesus, there is absolutely healing for you.

        Much love!

          1. Something that was helpful for me, I don’t know if it may be helpful for others, was to realize that the lies I believed about God were not only NOT true about Him, but they were true about Satan. And when I pushed God away, believing those lies about Him, I was drawing near to the enemy and trusting Him, instead.

            Those are my two choices. I can trust God and His Word or I can trust Satan and his word.

      2. How to have a relationship with Christ:

        I liked the cake analogy- it helps me to understand Gods intolerance to sin. 2 Corinthians 5:15- I want to live my life for Him. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions living life on my own terms. I’ve chased after the things I thought would make me happy and they left me empty and hollow. If God has a purpose for my pain and a better plan for my life, I am ready.

        Cinderella and the gospel:

        Loved this story! I can relate to the belief that Gods promises hold true to others but I am the exception. That He doesn’t really intend to extend all of those blessings, favor, authority, honor and grace all to me as well through Christ Jesus. It’s silly. And almost narcissistic in a way. And I relate to preferring the comfort of filthy rags and loneliness rather than leaping into the unknown and trusting God.

        One verse I kept feeling God speak into my heart was when Jesus asked the man at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus asked him “Do you want to be well?” (John 5:1-18) I realized maybe He asks this because many of us prefer the comfort of what we know, even when it hurts us as opposed to embracing the unknown in faith. Also, I don’t know about the guy at the pool but I’ve embraced being a victim as my identity.

        Relating to my husband as my idol:

        I have learned that I viewed my husband as an idol in the way that he was the focal point of every feeling that I had each day. If he was being loving, kind, attentive then I was happy and that day would be great. If he was being selfish, inattentive, unloving then my day would be really bad. I would be overwhelmed with sadness and negative emotions in that affected how I treated my coworkers my family my son my step kids and others.

        And the truth of it is it never made me happy. All that served to do was push my husband more away from me, isolate myself from others, and maybe even invoke the jealousy of God.

        One thing my husband said to me is that he wanted this divorce so after if I still wanted to spend time with him it would be because i wanted him, and not just our marriage. He said he felt I cared more about the marriage than him. Now I don’t necessarily think he meant what he said, since he’s getting his divorce and still has been no contact with me for months. I don’t think that’s the way he would be acting if he actually wanted to keep me in his life, but it does show me that maybe my marriage became an idol to me as well.

        What I am doing to carve time out for God:

        In divorcecare we watched this video where one of the experts in it talked about “force feeding” yourself scripture. How just like medicine when you’re sick, it is only once you get it down inside of you that it’s able to start working. That sometimes you have to do that with scripture. You may not always feel like reading your bible, but it’s important to get the word into your mind, because it nourishes your soul.

        So I have been trying to read at least a little scripture everyday. I’m also listening to Christian podcasts and sermons. I also have gotten in the habit of just talking to God all throughout the day. I tell him when I’m really exhausted, or sad, or angry or feeling hopeless. I tell him how beautiful His creation is and thank Him for what He has done.

        I do see how God feels abandoned by us, and how it hurts him. I feel like truly loving my husband is not demanding he love me, stay with me, or work this out because even God who is perfect and worthy of all our love, does not force us to love Him. I feel badly that I felt entitled to require that of my husband and I did not honor his free will and respect him as an individual.

        1. CallMeBlessed,

          I love that you are slowly digesting all of these things and resources and considering them prayerfully. That is awesome! I especially love this…

          If God has a purpose for my pain and a better plan for my life, I am ready.

          WOOHOO! That is the attitude I always look for. It is that humble attitude that tells me that this person is about to grow a lot.

          Love that about the verse God kept impressing on your heart. “Do you want to be well?” You know what? That is an important question that Jesus asks. There are many of us who don’t want what He offers. We don’t want Him. We don’t want His healing. We don’t want His way and His wisdom. But if we are willing to say, “Yes,” to Him! Oh, man! What miracles He will do as we trust Him!

          It is scary, at first, to leave our identity of being a victim. But what freedom and joy in discovering our new identity in Christ as:
          – more than conquerors
          – forgiven
          – victorious in Him
          – joint-heirs with Jesus
          – citizens of heaven
          – daughters of the King of king and Lord of lords
          – empowered to live holy lives
          – temples of the Lord
          – new creations
          – blessed
          – satisfied
          – beloved

          That is exactly what I did with my husband, too, making him an idol. Trying to make him responsible for my happiness. Clinging to him in needy ways that repelled him and destroyed our intimacy.

          I like that – yes – we do need to force feed ourselves scripture. Even when we are spiritually very ill. Especially then! Feelings aren’t the goal. Our idols aren’t the goal. Fellowship and relationship with God are the goals. This leads to our spiritual healing.

          I love that you are nourishing your soul every day and listening to Christian podcasts and sermons. I love that you are reading scripture every day and praying throughout the day. I love that you praise and thank Him. And that you pour out your heart and feelings to Him. That is awesome!

          I’m really excited for you and the baby steps you are taking. This is beautiful. 🙂

          Take your time. Soak it all in. Digest it slowly. Pray. Drink in God’s goodness and rest in His love and truth. He is healing you and He will continue to be faithful to work in your life until His work is complete.

          Much love!

    2. Call me blessed,

      I know we have talked before but I just was compelled to tell you sister right now in the sight of God that this separation divorce may have been the best thing for you because it is leading you to desire to know who Christ TRULY IS and to experience Him in a way you never have before!!! You are a rare person in the midst of a blinded and crooked generation and the Lord will NOT put you to shame if you trust in Him to open your eyes to WHO CHRIST IS and if you allow the Holy Spirit to truly open your eyes, He will lead you to His word or perhaps to a truly spirit filled minister who will interpret who Christ is to you and it will lead to the illumination of the Holy Spirit in your heart that leads to you going away rejoicing (READ ACTS 8 PLEASE! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN IT!)

      You are not far from experiencing God in spirit and in truth sister and I am praying for you to have eyes opened and I suggest the greatest piece of God-given work I’ve ever been led to by the Lord Himself that it might interpret to you what you so desperately need to see of Jesus in this time and when it happens, you will be set free from all the things that are currently limiting you and you will find new life, peace, joy, and strength in seeing who Christ is!!!!

      PRAISE GOD!

      Here is the link sister! (and a few others!)

      http://www.austin-sparks.net/english/books/centrality_and_supremacy_of_the_lord_jesus_christ_the.html

      http://www.austin-sparks.net/english/books/meaning_of_christ_the.html

      http://www.austin-sparks.net/english/books/discipleship_in_the_school_of_christ.html

      I kid you not, I’ve been where you are, desperate to know Him and HE IS MORE THAN FAITHFUL and He will satisfy your heart like nothing else in all this world! You will be thankful in the future for all He has allowed in order to bring you to this place of seeing Christ!!! I am so excited for you!!!!!!!!

      Lots of love,
      Amanda

      1. Amanda,

        Thank you SO much for sharing with CallMeBlessed. This is precious spiritual treasure!

        Ladies,
        You may find more of Smanda’s story by searching my blog search bar for “Satisfied Wife.”

        I am so thankful we can walk this road together as sisters in Christ.

  28. You guys gave me so many goodies. Thank you so, so much.

    I’m taking the time to work through each one, and will be reporting back!

    I love all the resources and links. I am definitely in the “seeking” phase right now and I’m trying to digest all the knowledge about the truth of who God is that I can.

    I had to come to the place where I decided I did not want to be on this Earth anymore if things were going to continue down the road they were on, for me to realize that I have to get to know Jesus and I need him to come into my life and start taking over. Once I realized that if Jesus wasn’t who he claimed to be, and He really didn’t rise again then there was no point to continue living, I realized I’d better start figuring out who He was/is and decide to start trusting him.

    Amanda- thank you so much for your response! I will get to it soon!

    1. Callmeblessed,

      Finding out who Jesus really is and who God really is is a really great first step toward healing. We can’t trust Him if we don’t know who He is. We can’t submit to Him if we have some skewed idea of His character and trustworthiness.

      As you are ready for more resources, let us know.

      Much love!

      1. I have kind of a random question… I think it’s more spiritual than legal so I wanted to ask it here.

        My state is a no-fault divorce state so my husband does not have to prove that one of us to blame for the divorce, on the Summons and Complaint he simply just has to check off a box that says something to the effect of there has “…been a breakdown of the marriage relationship to the extent that the objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved.”

        Which he did.

        I have to answer the complaint or I am in default. So I plan to answer but I don’t know how to answer that line. I don’t plan to contest my divorce and we don’t have any children/property to fight over but I feel weird just saying “true” to that because I don’t believe our marriage is beyond saving through the power of the Holy Spirit.

        But in a way this is true because my husband has no will to try to save our marriage at all, so maybe I just agree.

        Is it enough to respond “true” and just know that God knows the intentions of my heart were always for reconciliation?

        Anyone have any thoughts?

        1. Callmeblessed,

          Hmm… I have no idea what is involved legally or what you can answer. Would the case go to court? I think at that point, a judge would ask you if there is any hope for the marriage to be saved, is that correct?

          1. There will be a hearing where DH will basically request a judgement of divorce be granted. And since I live in a no fault state, all I could do was drag out the divorce if I wanted to. But he will eventually get the divorce anyways. And I don’t want to drag out the divorce. So I think I have no choice but to reply that I agree that the marriage is irrepairable.

          2. Callmeblessed,

            Scripture says to let the unbelieving spouse go if he wants to go. I don’t see where fighting him would draw him to you. We will pray for God to work in his heart and yours. <3 He can do that even if your husband goes ahead with a divorce.

        2. I wrote true. There is nothing to be gained by contesting it and it is true, whilst your spouse is unwilling to be married then there is no reasonable likelihood that it will be preserved. A marriage takes two people, God knows your heart was for restoration. HH

          1. HH-

            This is what I wrote:

            Callmeblessed agrees that although she has consistently desired reconciliation, there is no reasonable expectation of preserving the marriage due to Mr. Callmeblessed’s unwillingness to work together with Callmeblessed to restore the martial union.

            I hope that works.

            I’m not trying to be petty, just truthful.

  29. It has been a long time since I was here. But I have been drawn to check in. My husband filed for divorce back in May and like CallMeBlessed, it was a no-fault situation and he could have easily had it done in 2 months time. We have 3 kids and property so it takes a little longer but I have left it all up to him. And he hasn’t done it. He is out and about exposing our kids and our small town to his other woman, but I have learned to give it all up to God. I am peaceful and know that where I am is where I’m suppose to be. I get a lot of anger from him especially when I’m peaceful (which I have to say is a little satisfying even if it’s painful too). I know God has bigger plans for both of us if My H would just listen a little.

    I felt inclined to write now in response to CallMeBlessed because something rang in my head that someone else said to me a few weeks ago– maybe the H needed to go to keep Satan from pulling you (me) down with him. I feel I was strong in my faith before but the letting go and letting God has been HUGE for me. We’ve got to give it to God. We’ve got to distract ourselves and improve ourselves and be our true selves for God. Once I got there I know that as much as I love my husband, he needs to find God too before he can be what is good for our kids, our marriage and himself. Until then, I will love him from afar and with peace and kindness and love.

    1. Trying,

      It is so great to hear from you! I am very sad to hear about your husband’s choices. SOOOO heartbreaking! But I am encouraged to hear about the way you are handling things and that you are plugged into the Lord and allowing Him to work in and through you. Yes, a husband (or wife) who is in full blown rebellion against God and having an affair and who wants to leave is someone we should let go of. If we try to cling to them, they are so toxic, it is not healthy for us to be around them. They may have to hit bottom on their own before they wake up.

      It sounds like you are in a pretty good place spiritually. How may we pray for you, sweet sister?

      1. Thank you April, I do feel strong and peaceful in God. He has truly lead me on an amazing journey this year. One that is so important but not one I would have chosen to go through!

        Most importantly please pray for our children. They are being exposed to things that are extremely contrary to what God teaches and it is extremely difficult for them. Please pray for my husband and the other woman. Please pray that their eyes are opened to the pain they are causing themselves and the people that love them.

        1. Trying,

          I am beyond thankful to hear how you are doing spiritually. Wow! Such a blessing! I pray for God to protect your children and to give you wisdom and for their dad to wake up and realize what he is doing and stop and repent before it is too late. I pray for God’s victory in your children’s lives and your life and your husband’s life and that all that Satan intended for harm, God will turn around and use for great good.

  30. Hello everyone,

    I have been reading tbe responses to April’s original post on and off since the beginning. Things waned for me over the summer which are always hard months with raising small children alone.

    Now I’ve felt the HS pulling me back as new responses are posted and I’m in tears of joy for the encouragement I’ve found here in this very real discussion.

    For some time I felt God was restoring my marriage. And it could still happen. But my husband sent divorce papers to me last week. The solicitor sent a letter stating i was in agreement and they just needed marraige certificate etc. I wrote to him and said i was not signing paperwork. I knew God had me standing for restoration. He became very angry and accused me of controlling him. I said I would not try to stop him but i would not participate. I heard nothing.

    Then today he actually asked me for our marriage certificate and kids birth certificates so he could proceed. I have always known he was deceived and the strongholds were deep. But that was another indignation of how deep. It’s bad enough firing a weapon at your spouse but to ask that spouse to provide you with the weapon?

    As many of you have expressed this cuts so deep. It’s hard to put into words. It’s hard not to get caught up in fears. I know there has been adultery and now that he is divorcing it’s very easy to understand that further adultery could be right in my face and in front of my children as so many of you have also experienced. And this breaks my heart.

    At the same time I do have this peace that passes all understanding. Just when I think I can’t take anymore God uncovers a wound or lie from the past that is at the root of making this pain even worse. I believe lies like I am undesirable for love and only damaged goods to use until someone even my spouse throws me away. He will live happily ever after and I will live a life of exhaustion and defeat raising children alone while he does as be pleases.

    These lies are rooted to deeper lies and I am praying God heals me and sets me free from these lies. The pain of betrayal and divorce is so hard. But the pain in my mind from lies is the worst part.

    I ask also for prayer to continue to grow more deeply in unconditional love for my husband. Just as all of you are seeking to love and respect your spouse in the eyes of God. This is just a nightmare some days. I can hardly get my mind around it at times. Praying for the strength for daily surrender to become the woman He created me to be and to keep my part of the marriage vows.

    Thank you all for your transparency and the kindness with which you speak to one another. That’s a miracle really. Such love. HIS LOVE.

    Be blessed
    Nicole

    1. Nicole,

      It is so great to hear from you. Thank you for the update. I’m glad we can all be here together for each other – to rejoice and to encourage each other in the tough times.

      I’m very sorry to hear about your husband sending you divorce papers. 🙁 Ugh. It grieves my heart! I think that this kind of pain would be one of the most excruciating kinds of emotional pain there could be.

      I am so glad that you are seeing the lies and the you are praying for God to heal you from these lies and set you free. He absolutely can. And I agree that the pain of those awful lies is the worst part. It is a dungeon and a prison.

      Lord,
      We pray for Nicole and the others here who are facing an unwanted divorce. Give them Your Spirit. Your wisdom. Your discernment. Help them to let go of their spouses if the spouse insists on going. Help them to set a godly example by Your power. Help them to not absorb the toxic lies of the enemy and the bitterness that would be so tempting to harbor. Help them to open their hearts and lives totally to You in absolute surrender, yielding themselves fully to Your truth, Your love, Your provision, Your miracles, and Your healing. We pray especially for the children involved – that You may heal and provide for them in the midst of the chaos and the sinful examples they are seeing from one parent. Help the Christian parent to stand firm in their faith and to love these children and set the example of Your love that they need to see. We pray that You will take what Satan intended for much harm and use it all for great good and for Your glory in these families. And we pray for You to draw the prodigals back to Your heart that they might receive life and salvation in Christ and be radically transformed by Your power.

      Amen!

      Much love!

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