NOTE: There is another Peaceful Wife Conference scheduled for November 18-19th in Garnett, KS for any ladies (single or married) who are interested and able to come. Check out the button on the right top corner of my page for a link to more information and tickets.
Truly Blessed and I had a conversation with a wife who was struggling with the thought of her husband ever seeing any beautiful women (not lusting after them, necessarily, just seeing them). In this post, we are talking about husbands who are truly seeking to honor Christ and their wives in their thoughts, not husbands who are using porn or ogling women or flirting with them. (If your husband has a lust addiction, please search my home page for “porn” and also check out www.xxxchurch.org for more resources. There is such a thing as righteous jealousy and anger. That is not what we are talking about in this post, however.)
I just wanted to say I have struggled in the past with this as I’m sure many women do, and wanted to reassure you that God is able to help you overcome this as He has helped me. I am finally feeling the freedom of not being jealous of my husband’s every look, thought, and action toward other women. The scripture that helped me to overcome this is Phillipians 4:8. When I feel jealous, I remember these words, and focus on what is good, true, right, lovely, admirable, about my husband and my marriage. I remind myself that my husband is a dedicated man, he has not cheated on me, and has avoided the opportunity when it was available to him. He is honest and he has integrity.
He is with ME, and not her. This is his choice. He is choosing to stay loyal to me, which says that he has hope and a desire for us in our marriage. Then I remind myself that when God told me I needed to give up trying to control my life and give it to him, I promised that once I gave my life to Him, I would put all my trust in Him and no longer be afraid of what is “out there” that could hurt me, impact my life, or my marriage. HE is more than capable of handling my life much more than I could ever be. Truth is I have no justified reason to be jealous or fearful and I remind myself this every day.
I also have struggled to understand why I felt this way when I don’t want to, and God helped me realize how much I had lost confidence in myself, and to the point that I was always jealous because I had convinced myself that I wasn’t worth my husband staying in our marriage. I had myself convinced that he would probably go and find better than me – so that made me more jealous.
Every word, glance, action towards another woman – I was fearful that it meant my husband wanted to find “better than me.”
I would freak out because I felt if I didn’t, I would lose control. Now I realize (with God’s help to show me), that there IS nothing I can to do control, beyond striving to be a godly wife. If I focus on this and my husband did succumb to temptation or become unhappy and leave, there is nothing I can do about that. So I focus on pleasing God in my role as a wife and let God worry about the rest.
It is a hard battle to overcome the lies that Satan tries to convince us are true. But they are lies!!! We are daughters of God, and That makes us worth more than we ever could imagine!
I believe Satan uses jealousy as a way of driving a wedge in to destroy the relationships God wants us to have. I know my jealousy was a huge strain as my husband was tired of every moment being under pressure that he would offend me with something that was completely innocent, and it contributed to his shutting down in our marriage. No doubt he felt like I was not going to trust him anyway – no matter what he did. So why keep trying? I can see that now, as I realize now so much of my jealousy was unwarranted and unfair.
Funny thing is the more confident I become and the more I overcome the jealousy, the less I worry, but the more I see my husband relaxing and just enjoying our relationship.
I have gone through feeling SO rejected by my husband and that now that we are on the road to healing in our marriage, I know it was my disrespect, contempt, self righteousness and my assumptions of evil motives in his heart that were major turn-offs for him.
A big thing for me was accepting when the Lord showed me how self-righteous I was, and how I was making assumptions of evil motives in his heart. For a long time I couldn’t see how (in my heart) I was glorifying myself and putting myself on a pedestal that I was better than he was, and believing he just wasn’t capable of the honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, and love that I was in our marriage – so everything he did must be evil and a lie!
Oh how sinful of me! The Lord has forgiven me but my heart still breaks when I think about how hurtful this was to him! No wonder our marriage was suffering! Who would be attracted to someone who treated their spouse like that!? I thank God for His mercy is all I can say to that.
The more I strive to be a godly wife and respect my husband and love him for just who he is, the more I see the attraction building up between us again.
My husband and I have had some very insightful conversations while we have been on this healing journey, and one of the things he has said that has hit me was how much value there is in a history together, that a physical relationship with your spouse is fulfilling not just because of the attraction but because of the “history” and the life you have made together. It’s so much deeper than what ever could come out of lust. Does that make sense?
I was so struck by the reassurance that (most) husbands really do value their relationship with their spouse. It isn’t JUST physical attraction for them, and it has helped to take away the fear of him turning his back on our marriage just to have something out of lust. I can’t believe I was so disrespectful to him that I didn’t believe he had integrity. I can see now how hurtful that must have been when I treated him like that. My heart would have been broken if he thought that about me.
Now I have never been one who has withheld in the bedroom, treated it as a chore etc… but I can say that the Lord has been teaching me on this journey how to love my husband freely and without condition, and the freedom I have compared to how I felt under the grip of fear!!!! I feel so much more secure to be able to love more deeply than I ever have. I really feel this reflects in our physical relationship, and the more I grow as a godly wife, the more confidence I have in myself, and the more security I have in myself even physically in my appearance and body image, yet also in so many other ways.
I do believe my husband sees this difference in me. I no longer fear the “younger, prettier” women like I used to, because I am more confident in what I have to offer my husband not just physically but in every way.
I do believe that our husbands respond greatly – in a physical sense – to a woman who is confident in who she is and is happy with and confident in her own physical appearance, regardless of what physical “imperfections” a woman may feel she has. If I am doing my best to reflect God’s love and be a godly woman and my husband doesn’t embrace that, there isn’t anything I can do. I can’t force him to love me in every way. That is his own choice. All I can control is (receiving) who I am in Christ. If I am confident in every area of my life, I can be attractive in so many ways, but if I present him with unattractiveness in my spirit, my attitude, my heart, I sure can drive him away!
In addition, I do believe that God does expect us in every area of our marriage, to continue to make effort to make things “work” as well. This means physically, spiritually, emotionally, and intimately. I don’t believe just because we are daughters of God we can just expect and take for granted either, that our marriages will just always be fulfilling without any effort to change, grow, and in our marriages, strive to continue to please our spouses and meet their needs wholeheartedly. I would hope that all of us on this journey to being the wives that God wants us to be, can agree on that. Of course God expects that of our husbands too, but we can only do what WE can do.
Some days are better than others, but I’m slowly getting there. God has shown me so much about myself on this journey and I am gaining more confidence in myself and God is doing a lot of work on my heart. The more confidence I gain as a woman of God, the more I am assured that I have nothing to fear.
RELATED POSTS THAT MAY BE HEALING:
Being a Trophy Wife Is Not the Goal, Dear Sisters – by Radiant