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When a Husband “Doesn’t Buy” His Wife’s Changes

From a sister in Christ who has been on this journey to become a godly wife for a year and a half – I am so thankful for her willingness to share:

 

My husband insists I will always be who I was. He asks “is THIS the REAL you, now?” I replied that “I won’t be done till I die. I will continue to improve and learn every day I breathe.” He just threw his hands up at me, exasperated. But it’s a pride sin to think that we “know it all” and have nothing left to learn. Where is the reality or growth in that?

There is still much hope. I haven’t wanted to believe it, but my husband has been much less aggressive and mean for the past 2 weeks (after a year and a half of this journey). He is thanking me for things I do and has stopped being paranoid about things he thinks I’m doing and am not.

I really think that when a wife begins this journey of respect and truly changes her whole attitude on marriage, life, and herself, this is a massive change for men to try to understand.

It’s as if they don’t know who we are, have no idea if they will like who we are or becoming – and yet they are used to a certain kind of shrew-ness from us that they have built up defenses against. And (now) they are married to a stranger. It’s like they are putting on armor, carrying 3 swords, a mace, and bludgeon and ready for a fight that doesn’t come anymore. They are all amped up from our constant disrespect in the past. So they actually “hunt” for the fight. But, because we are no longer fighting, they feel like some kind of trick or sorcery is going on. They just can’t believe a person can up and change their whole personality.

  • My husband often has told me that he is not mad at me, I am who I am. He cannot change that. He just didn’t think it could change at all.

He was right, HE could not change me, I could not change me, but GOD could. He just didn’t like who that person was… well, that was before God. I didn’t even like who I was. We all have this spouse itching to fight because the battle was never ending and they are ready. We have dropped all our weapons and they don’t know what to do. So they provoke, prod with hurtful words, try to find that monster inside us they are sure is just hiding or waiting for the right moment to rear it’s ugly head so they can strike at it with all their weapons. Yet, we have let that monster die… our old self.

I think it takes a lot of testing, and time for our spouses to poke, prod, stomp around to finally feel secure that the monster is gone before they can start laying down their weapons and trusting again.

I think it is very important that a sense of worth and value has to be developed inside us as well. We have been the mouth, then maybe the mouse. There is a balance of graceful control and wisdom that I think God is trying to grow in us. A sort of confidence that endures no matter who comes and goes from our lives. When we can live in a way that other people’s chaos doesn’t affect us as much, and we are able to look at God and say, “Thank you Lord, for not making me have to be responsible for this other person’s choices in life” then we can live much more free and as victors over our own life, not victims of other people’s lives.

I have a real sense after a long-awaited talk on the phone last night with my husband that he really is accepting the change in me and trying hard to think of his words before saying them. Right now, he kind of stinks at it. But, I did too – when I first started. I feel true hope for a restitution of our relationship for the first time in a long time. It is obviously too soon to bank on such a statement, but I know I may not get that glorious apology or huge hug asking for forgiveness. If I think about it, do I need that? No, not really. I might WANT that, but if I never get it, I’m ok.

I know I have done what God asked me to do in this marriage… to love him “even though” he didn’t love me/was being a jerk/said and did hurtful things/rejected me/gave up on his family/ acted like a put out teenager, etc. Frankly, he didn’t deserve that love from me. But here is the thing – none of us deserve that kind of love, but we have it in God. God loves us in our imperfections and when we act like jerks and do/say hurtful things, etc. Look how we turn from God and reject Him. Yet, He loves us through it all, so much, that He gave up His only Son to save us from death… because He loves us like that. To obey Him, we are asked to love others in the same way “as you do for the least of them, you do unto Me.” It is His overflowing love poured into us that allows us and gives us the strength to pour love into others… even our spouses.

I look at my husband as very lost, struggling and drowning. When I keep that in mind, I keep my compassion toward him. Yes, I tried to throw out life preservers and reached for him, but if he didn’t use them, well, that was his choice. Sink or swim. There are many things my husband can grab onto, but he has to do it now, I can’t make him. I’m just not shoving his head under water anymore.

For those who are struggling, I pray so much that you can lift your eyes away from your husband and marriage right now and start growing yourself to become more confident, secure and strong as a person in your own merit (in Christ). God has given you gifts and blessings just for you. Not just you with your husband. You want something right now that you cannot get from your husband. The store is closed, no one inside, shut up tight. If you break in, it will go really badly. Stop knocking on that door! You need to look to God for what you want. I suspect it is acceptance, value, feeling good enough, affection, closeness, security, trust, and partnership.

I challenge you to look into the Bible and find verses where God can fill these needs for you. Maybe you can see how He can do that and really take it into your mind and heart. You need God first. Then, if others can add to that on earth, here, then it’s icing and sprinkles on the cake…but you need the cake first (God). I hope that makes sense. Here is my example: I can get trust from God and I can trust Him, Psalms 9:10 “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.”

In this way, you can verify God’s promises to you, rise above the shortcomings and disappointments of human failings and lean onto God for all your needs. My favorite is Matthew 6:26, “look at the birds in the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” This is God’s word that He will provide for us. He is the great I Am.

I just know that I saw my husband as my god for so long, that when his human failings started to show, disappointment and fear took hold in me. The best lesson I learned from any of this is to not put a human into that god position, he/she is certain to let you down. That also includes not putting myself (who is also human) into that god position. Only our true Lord God holds that position… that is why no other thing or person should be above Him. He is a jealous God, and it is idolatry when we don’t put Him first. Kids, marriage, friends, hobbies, fame, fortune, need for approval from others… there are so many sneaky ones too. (Kids as an idol for me was a surprise).

I pray for all of us with wayward spouses to be able to let them go. I pray that God helps them find their own way without our demands,  wishes, control, and fears getting in the way. I pray that each one of us can see our true self as God sees us; cherished, loved, valuable and important to Him. I pray we can let go of the things we want from our spouses so bad, but are not there yet inside of them, but I pray God helps them find what they need to heal, grow and be drawn to Him. I pray that each of us learn to stand with strength, dignity and courage as children if God, to wear our birthright proudly and without shame. We are children of God, “If He is with us, who can be against us?” I pray that we can grow in God’s design to have the control of our emotions and resist the enemy to become followers of Christ who are strong against the stormy winds of life, trusting our Lord is still in control.

RELATED:

Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive of Me As I Change?

Things Got Worse At First When I Began to Change – The RestoredWife

25 Ways to Respect Myself

My Security and Identity Is in Christ

25 Ways to Show Real Respect for Your Husband

25 Ways to Show Reverence for God

Husbands Share What Speaks Disrespect to Them

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

40 thoughts on “When a Husband “Doesn’t Buy” His Wife’s Changes

  1. I just want to say thank you for this. I am right there in the midst, only about 3 months, and this post was a blessing. My husband says he is done but hasn’t started divorce proceedings and is still living in our house. I am praying for restoration in my marriage but I have learned that husband and marriage are/were an idol in my life. God has been working in me to make HIM all that I need. It is hard but knowing that I am not alone on this journey is a blessing. Thank you.

    1. Lisa Silva,

      I praise God for what He is doing in your heart! That is AWESOME! I know this process is slow – much slower than most of us would like – but the slowness of it often helps us to refine our motives and to draw nearer and nearer to Christ. Praying for His healing for you both individually and then as a married couple, as well for His glory.

      Much love, my dear sister!

    2. Hi Lisa, may I ask how things are going with you? This morning I was drawn to this post for some reason and I felt like checking in and offering my support. Don’t want to intrude of course, if you are not comfortable! I too am about three months in, I believe that God led me to this blog in my darkest moments as I too was told by my husband that he was done. I am so grateful to God for showing me at our lowest point that all the “fixing” I had been trying to do previously was all wrong. That I needed to see the destruction I was causing by my own actions in our marriage. I too had made my husband and marriage (and kids, and the list goes on!) idols ahead of God! Praise God that He gives us second chances! It was a moment of the blinders coming off and I could clearly see that I was living in fear, refusing to stop trying to control every aspect of our lives out of that fear, and what I thought I knew about being a wife needed to be torn down and built up with God in control. My life has changed considerably over the last couple of months. Anyways I just wanted to encourage you as we seemed to be in similar places. Praying that God has given you the strength to continue this journey and that you can see some progress. Hang in there!

      1. Hi April…i am very sad to report that my husband has contacted a divorce mediator and had a realtor come to our house today to see what it would be listed for.

        I have made it clear to him that I am standing for our marriage and will continue to pray for healing and restoration of our marriage.

        I have no control over him. He is very determined to end this marriage and refuses to let go of any offenses.

        I am heart broken. I know Jesus is weeping with me and for us…

        1. Hope Always,

          My precious sister?!?!?!?! 🙁 This breaks my heart! I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug ever!

          No, you don’t have control over him. And no – this is not what you would have ever wanted to happen. I wish no one ever had to go through this kind of heart-rending pain.

          If you are interested, I think my closed FB group may be a huge blessing to you. A number of those ladies are in this situation, and there are many praying and encouraging each other there.

          When you get your spiritual bearings in a few days or so – or when you feel you are ready, I’d love to walk beside you for these first baby steps toward healing for you in Christ. That is my primary concern. But I don’t want to rush or push you. I’m here and glad to hear from you and hash through things together. I am praying for you and your family, my precious sister!
          Much love!

          1. Thank you. I joined the private facebook group. I have been praying and praying for God to help my husband and I and my family. I question if i am praying the wrong prayers, am I not praying enough, should I change my prayers,etc.

            Not sure how to go on, but I will.

          2. Hope Always,

            Just because your husband leaves or decides to divorce does not mean that God is not with you or that your prayers are not right. It may be that God is going to get you all to Himself for awhile in order to heal your heart, mind, and soul in ways that couldn’t have happened if your husband had stayed. It may be that this is a necessary step to go through in order for Him to answer your prayers. I know this sounds crazy, probably. But I have seen this very thing happen so many times, that I believe that He will use this for great good in your life. I believe that this will be a time of intense spiritual growth for you as you wrestle with all of the emotions and struggles that come with a spouse divorcing a believer but that through all of it, you will discover true contentment in Christ alone and some of the most amazing spiritual treasures and riches.

            I’m so glad you are here. I’m also glad you are on the FB group, and I hope you will share your heartache there, as well, and allow our sisters in Christ there to surround you with prayer, love, support, encouragement, and real-life stories from the trenches because MANY of them are where you are or have been where you are.

            Much love to you!

          3. Hy heart hurts for you, Hope Always. This is painful, and heartbreaking. I know it hurts to see dreams dying, directions changing and world’s falling apart. You can pray in any way you can. God sees your heart first. Maybe just simply telling Him how much pain you are in. Asking Him what you need to do or understand next. Asking Him to show you just the next step you need to take. Let His love pour over you. Feel safe in His arms, know that He will make everything okay…even if that means your husband may not return to you. God has a plan and purpose for you. You are His daughter. He loves you more than anything. You will come through this. He has a way out for you, even if you don’t see that way out or understand the big picture. One day, you will look back and see the good that came from this trial in your life. You are in the storm, but the storm will not be here forever. It will pass too.

            For now. Take care of yourself. Get sleep, eat healthy, take care of your kids with love and kindness. I am praying for God to help heal your heart and pick you back up. Take time to greive, you have experienced a loss, but don’t get trapped into wallowing in greif. There is a season for it, when it’s time to move on, God will be there showing you the way. Find some people to help. Look beyond your own pain to see how you can help someone else through theirs. Find wisdom from a godly woman, counselor or here. My love is being sent to you. {{{Hugs}}}

          4. Thank you LMS..i am heartbroken. Tomorrow we go to the divorce mediator. I am only going for information. I am not committing to anything.other than prayer and for Jesus to be in the room with us.

            I have a good support system. I am loved by many and especailly Jesus..and so is my husband. Satan wants to get my family and I wont let him..yet at the same time..i have no control over what my husband does.

            How does one let go and at the same time pray for healing and restoration.

            I am grieving. Big time.

          5. Hope always. My heart is grieving for your pain today as well. I know this is not what you want. I am glad to see you are trusting God with it all, though. We, as humans on earth do not know how it will all turn out, but God does…and it is for our good. During these painful trials, we discover what we are made of. We grow our faith, we learn to rely on God first for our security, acceptance, value and love. I pray that God can give you the strength to get through each day, the wisdom to know how to handle it all in a graceful, God-loving way, the grace to forgive those who are against you and the humility to serve God and not people.

            Yes, God hates divorce, but not at the expense of the safety and sanity of His children. Maybe your husband will come around and see what he is or has done in time, maybe he will not. I pray that you can learn to realize that God has you in His hand either way. Draw close to Him. Stay His word, pray to learn what God wants you to do and think. Much love and prayers for healing to you my sweet sister.

        2. My heart breaks for you, but I know God has a plan for you that is bigger than this. Hold on to Him and take your comfort in Him. Much love to you, precious Sister, we are praying for you.

  2. Stay steadfast ladies. Sometimes men are very slow to believe whole heartedly. We expect things to fail so prepare for when they do so we don’t appear weak and disarmed. My mom used to say “Sometimes men need a frying pan upside the head before they see”. My wife and I started on this journey about 6 months ago and while we struggle more often then not it is working well. I struggle and “look” sometimes for the falseness in her changes but the more HE works on me and the more she stays steadfast the less i look and the less I find. The bible says husbands will be sanctified through their wives.
    Try adding something very simple, like a gentle squeeze of the shoulder, or a hug at the sink.. He’ll notice.. maybe not outwardly but he will notice.

    1. Troy,
      Thank you for these masculine insights. We appreciate them so much.

      I would like to reinforce what you are saying. Greg, too, has shared with me that it was really hard to believe that the changes were real in me for a long time. He didn’t feel safe with me again until about 3.5 years into my journey – and, admittedly, it took me about 2.5 years before I began to have any clue what I was doing! Greg has shared with me that he really didn’t like change, even good change. And that too many changes at once can be overwhelming and confusing for a husband, too. So – sometimes it may be wise, ladies, to focus first on getting rid of the intentional and unintentional disrespect/insults. Then, very slowly to introduce new more respectful things over time.

      I’m so pleased, Troy, that you and your wife are both working on this at the same time! That is actually rather rare in my experience. But it would be ideal for both the husband and wife to seek to allow Christ to change them individually. How wonderful!

  3. Thanks for this post it has been a blessing to me as well. I think I will be reading it a few times as well to let it sink in and I can relate to so much of it. I am only one month in and really not sure yet what my husband thinks. Many things have been dealt with and things are going so much better, but I feel as well he is still far from being able to trust me that this is for real. I will just keep praying for God’s guidance and for Him to take care of my husbands heart. I have accepted that all I can do is try my best to be the wife God wants me to be, and trust God to do the rest. For so many years I tried to control every aspect of our life to what “I” needed it to be. Now I realize I can’t do that I just need to focus on God and let Him take care of me/us. Thanks again for sharing.

    1. Melanie,

      I’m so thankful for what God is doing in your life! Our men have their own journey to take as we begin to change. It is usually a very slow process. But the important thing is that you are doing what God calls you to do and that you are allowing God to refine your motives and desires to match His own heart for your life.

      So glad this was an encouragement to you and that we can share this road together and bless one another.

      Much love!

  4. Oh my, I didn’t expect to have my own words to read this morning. It didnt dawn on me until i eas 3/4 through the post…I knew it sounded familiar! Lol. It feels different when I read them as if someone else posted. I just pray they can bless others in a way that helps us all understand what we are all asked to do in the name of our loving God. Life is hard, but I am overjoyed at the friend we have in Jesus. I pray all of us who are in pain and hurting that God will take us gently, and not so gently through His lesson plans to teach us the true meaning of His love. Blessings to all of you today.

    1. LMSdaily115,

      I’m so thankful for your willingness to share, my precious sister. Thank you for loving God and for allowing Him to work so powerfully in your life. Thank you for sharing the treasures God is giving you with all of us, even in these difficult times.

      You are an incredible blessing and gift to me. God uses you to inspire and challenge me and to help to deepen my faith. I’m honored to get to know you and to walk with you on this journey.

      Much love!

  5. This Post is everything!! God is awesome! My Lord personally told me I was disrepectful to my husband I shrug it off until he told me it was disrepectful to him also. 3 years in still learning to please God. For me to respect men who do not line up with what God says is soooo hard. My upbringing ruin any hope I have in men!! But God said put your HOPE in me. I am better in my walk with respecting my husband however if you ask my husband he says no so much. However in God’s eyes I’m have submitted to the process and he is Pleased!!! It’s Tight but Right!!

  6. Thank you LMS for this post. I was told all these things almost verbatim by my husband in the last 1.5 years too. Even the
    One with ” That is your personality”…
    It doesnt come as often any more…
    LMS, just read your update on the other blog- that sounds awesome! God does move suddenly and his timing is perfect!!!
    April, i would like to ask for a prayer for my husband please… Things are still challenging here, but God has been directing my steps and challenging me and speaking to me in some incredible ways…Im still stumbling….but staying steadfast…Thank you and God bless…

    1. @april please accept my apology if my language is too crass…
      @NB I catch myself from time to time telling ‘chelle she’s being a whiny b****… It’s what life taught her to be. “Take that broom your on and shove it” is frequently my response if she continues for very long. Thats part of what I’m working on in me. We’ve been together on/off for 13yrs and its only this year that she has started to change. It’s little things that make me know/question if she’s “there yet”.. like getting extremely angry cause she dropped the pickle jar. These are the kinds of things we key on.
      Don’t worry if he’s changing or not. He’ll change thru you and Thru GOD.
      Anyway enough testosterone *poof*

      1. Thanks Troy!
        Your language is identical with my husbands :-). Throw in micromanaging b**ch and/ or controlling b**ch. But those dont come through much any more…
        We have been married for 13 years also.
        God bless you and your wife!

  7. Thank you for this post, I so needed to read that. Me and my husband have been married almost 13 years and I’ve emotionally exhausted myself worrying about this one huge area in our marriage that leaves me feeling unwanted, neglected, undesirable. It has been an issue pretty much from the start. I mentioned it to him several times in the first few years of the marriage but gave up because nothing changed for the better. I rarely say anything about the way he does different things that really bother me because I don’t like confrontation. So I just keep it to myself to avoid conflict. I once heard someone say “peace at any price”. I wish I knew how to change my behavior to be more assertive. I’ve been working on my walk with Christ now for quite some months, trying to live more Christ like. Trying to be the example I guess. I stay sad inside about all these things I can’t change and just try to put them in Gods hands because nothing I’ve said or done has lead to him changing.

    1. Melissa,

      If you are able to mention the general topic, there is a very good chance I may have some posts about this issue already that may be a blessing.

      I would also invite you to check out these posts, if you are interested and if any of them apply:

      I Must Avoid Conflict At All Costs! It Is the Godly Thing to Do
      Some Conflict Is Inevitable
      Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships
      Confronting Our Husbands About Their Sin
      25 Ways to Respect Myself
      When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage
      Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite Under God’s Control

      What is your greatest desire in your relationship with Christ?

      What do you believe you need to be happy in your life and marriage?

      If you want to talk about what you need from your husband and feel like you are free to do so, you are welcome to share and we can hash through it.

      Much love!

  8. I have gone back and read this post several times this week. Every time it blesses and encourages me. I am only a month or so in on this journey, God has been changing my heart one baby step at a time. I have seen big changes already in our relationship as I have previously shared, however the initial relief for my husband seems to have given way now to him testing out how real this is, it seems.

    We have had some discussions this week that have led to him pushing a little to see where I would go, at least that’s how it feels for me, I won’t make any assumptions on his part but that’s what it seems is happening. Yesterday we had a big discussion about trust, and he seemed to be pushing to see if I would blow up, or try and justify my old behaviours, or how I would react to his pushing back. I am so thankful to God He gave me the strength to stay as respectful as I could be. I could see my own progress as I was able to have self control, I did not overreact, I took all accountability for my own shortcomings that came up and failures on my part, didn’t try to turn around the blame on him in any way. I respectfully reassured him that the old self is gone, and I had no desire to be disrespectful and trying to control everything anymore. It was HARD but I kept myself focused on what God would have me say and do. Praise God I never could have done that without Him!

    I am happy that my husband did say he could see how I am changing, and even more happy that it did NOT end up in a blow up, or with us upset with each other! This was a great blessing from God. I told my husband I felt very sad that he didn’t feel he could trust me with things and that I could see he didn’t feel safe to share with me, but I hoped someday eventually he would be able to feel like that with me again. I took ownership of all my faults, and past experiences came up that really showed me the resentment he is still dealing with. I was able to apologize for those and take ownership, and I believe it really helped.

    Now if only I can keep doing this! God is good. I cannot give Him enough praise for what He is doing in our lives. Thanks again to all the people here that are so encouraging. I pray that God will give you strength to deal with your own struggles in a way that pleases Him. And that you will be blessed!

    1. Melanie,
      This is awesome! There often is a “honeymoon period” at first for a time. And then sometimes that turns into a time where the husband is a bit aloof and skeptical of his wife’s changes and wants to be sure the changes are truly real. I think you are experiencing some very normal stages of this journey.

      I’m so thankful for what God is doing in you! And I am glad that your husband is feeling more courage to bring up difficult things. That is a good sign – that he is feeling a bit safer to share hard things.

      I would love to share some of this comment anonymously in a post if you believe God would want us to do that. No pressure!

      THRILLED at what is happening. This will be a long journey with many baby steps. It will require a lot of patience, but it is so worth it!

      Much love!

      1. Thanks April, I will check that post. I definitely felt he was trying to share his hurt on a bit deeper level and he kept questioning me and bringing up some things from the past I believe he was testing to see how safe he was. I am trusting God that I said the right words and reacted the right way to give him reassurance and it was a very different reaction than what he was used to so I am hoping it will be another baby step forward.

        I have no problem with you sharing anonymously what God is doing in our life if it can be any encouragement to another struggling wife I absolutely want to share with them!

        1. Melanie,

          Thank you so much for allowing me to share. I plan to share this on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page today anonymously.

          I believe that as you continue to seek God and to respond in different ways, seeking to honor Christ and your husband, that he will feel more free to come to you with his hurt and pain and that y’all will be able to work together to heal and to build a new kind of healthy marriage. 🙂

          Much love to you!

          1. Thanks April. Things are coming around, praise God! My husband and I have had a lot more talking and getting through some things, and he has really started to be open with me after years of hurting. It was very painful hearing some things about how he had been feeling, from his perspective, and painful facing how bad things had gotten. Now though I am happy to say things are really looking up. I really feel the love is coming back to both of us. Not just the attachment love that forms over years together, but really being IN love. It’s amazing. God has given us a second chance. I trust everything now on His time. my life is no longer mine, it is His.

  9. Dear brothers and sisters ,

    I like this song, because while I think that we can all agree that we wish to keep on improving, there is so much more than looking at what we can see, in the moment.

    We wish to do well but if as a husband or wife, if we make a small slip up, does our spouse, have the justification to send you back to square one.

    Ultimately, there is only one person who can judge us and that is Jesus. Forgiving us of all our sins does not allow us not to change, we must repent and change our ways but please let us not get prideful and self righteous as a spouse.

    Jesuscentreoflife

    https://youtu.be/1Z_MZUslPfE

    “Find What You’re Looking For”

    What would they find if they uncovered all my tracks
    Of roads I’d snuck down and darkness and never turn back
    Well they’d find what they’re looking for
    Secrets and so much more
    What would they find if they searched for a heart of gold
    They’d find sacrifices of time and money never told
    Yeah they’d find what they’re looking for
    Kindness and so much more

    [Chorus:]
    Cause there’s so much good in the worst of us
    So much bad in the best of us
    It never makes sense for any of us
    To criticize the rest of us
    We’ll just find what we’re looking for
    We’ll find it and so much more

    What would I find if I turned back the time on your face
    Could I piece together the memories that have made you this way
    I might find what I’m looking for
    Understanding and so much more

    [Chorus]

    Haven’t we all learned the best life lessons
    By falling and falling down hard
    If we’re looking for somebody’s failures
    We won’t have to look very far

    [Chorus]

    What would they find if they uncovered all my tracks

  10. I went back and re-read these posts today I just felt like I needed to come back and read this over again. I just wanted to encourage those who are currently in this stage where they feel as though their husband isn’t “buying” their wives changes and are discouraged. Just wanted to say HANG IN THERE! And don’t give up! A few weeks ago I was feeling like there was just no hope and that things were falling apart again. I continued to try my best to keep my focus on God, and prayed that He would continue to work on our hearts. I felt like just “having it out” with my husband once and for all and just telling him that if he couldn’t accept that I had changed, yet couldn’t accept the way things used to be, there was no hope and maybe it was time to be done after all. Yet I felt in my heart that God was not done and that He was telling me to keep on this journey He was working and I had to trust him.

    My husband has assured me that he isn’t going anywhere. Praise God! I prayed for God to guide every word that came out of my mouth and show me what to do when I was really struggling. I kept reminding myself no matter what happens God is in control and not me, and He will look after me. I still do this MANY times a day. But praise God I can now see that God really is working in our hearts and working to save this marriage. Who was I to even doubt!

    It is hard to wait in this “instant” world. For me I am so grateful to God things have changed in a short time. I know for some people things won’t happen so quickly, but we have to trust God’s time. Even for me being that we have made in progress in “weeks” and not “months” it was difficult as I wanted things to be “all fixed” right away. But I am not kidding myself. This journey will never be completed. It will be every day the rest of my life and I have to remind myself daily that I cannot take my eyes off of God no matter what I face.

    I hope that sharing the progress in our marriage gives some of you hope. I just wanted to share and give God the glory for how He is working in our hearts. This is not ME. I tried for years without God to figure out what was “wrong” and “fix” it. Now I have learned that the problem was that all along I was trying to do this without God, which can never work!

    1. Melanie,
      This comment out such a smile on my face. Thank you VERY much for sharing and for seeking to encourage our sisters who are hurting. I never get tired of seeing how God works in people’s lives. 🙂

      Praising God with you. Can’t wait to see what He has in store for all of us!

      Much love to you!

  11. I just came to theists looking for some encouragement after my husband did something that was hurtful to me. I’ve been in the “silent phase” for a few weeks now and he’s being more mean then even but God is holding me up and I’m so grateful. It’s moments like the one I just encountered that cause me to wonder how much longer must this go on??

    My husband told me last night he’s done. Just done. That’s another story but I handled it quite well I think. (Short story: I told him lovingly and calmly he can go if he wants to.) Today he’s “normal” acting and suddenly says he’s going to a wedding tomorrow night. Just like that. No invitation for me to join him. Nothing. I can tell he’s watching me for my response and I was immediately hurt which he misconstrued as anger. I told him I wasn’t angry. And I finally told him I was hurt which he argued with me about ( he often tells me I’m lying). I didn’t argue back but just said it would have been nice to be asked to go. He reminded me he said he was done and that all we do is fight and he didn’t want to spend the night fighting. (He’s the one that does the “fighting” these days, I just listen.) I sat for a minute and processed this information and then just said I understood that he was uncomfortable with me going with him and I don’t mind if he goes and that I hoped he had fun ( I said it all sincerely because I did mean it all. Basically I forgave him in my mind, let it go.) I left the room cried a little and then got on here. I just feel like I need time to be hurt genuinely and then let it go before I try to “act” like everything is ok. I need it to be REALLY ok because my husband can always tell when I’m “acting”.

    Anyway this article popped up and it was ever so helpful and encouraging and reminded me that even though things around me are amuck, God is steadfast in my life and I can love people genuinely because God loves ME. And my husband is lost in his bitterness and misery so honestly it wouldn’t have been fun to go with him so in away it’s a “happy ending”.

    1. Nichole Martinez,

      I’m so glad this was a blessing and encouragement to you.

      I invite you to also search my blog home page search bar for things like:

      – peaceful separated wife
      – when your husband says I’m done
      – My husband wanted a divorce
      – things got worse before they got better
      – TheRestoredWife

      Praying for God to continue to guide you – I can see that He already is and that you are listening. Praying for His healing for you both and for your marriage, my dear sister!

  12. Hi April,
    I don’t know how I missed this post…..but for some reason I was drawn to it today. So, I don’t know if I have changed. I know back in January when God led me to your blog I was trying to change. But so much has happened this year.

    Daily I am confused by my husband. You know I stopped the divorce, legally. My husband and I both fired our attorneys. He said that didn’t mean anything positive or negative, but I do believe its a chance.

    I know during some of our talks you have said not to share too much information with him about this journey. So sometimes I struggle day to day on how to remain peaceful. There are so many battles- the house fire, the insurance nightmare, my daughter living with my husband, my husband is right next door (which really is a blessing). He kept my daughter from me all summer, telling her terrible things (I’m sure he was hurting) but now all of a sudden he needs me. My daughter is going through battles of her own. 2 days ago, he said he would give me a key to his house so I could come and go and be there for my daughter. I could even cook her a meal and be her mom whether he was there or not. I am totally confused by this April……I am so looking for guidance…….I don’t know what to say or what to do when he writes to me. So sometimes I don’t speak. And then I think how disrespectful that is. Sometimes I am just taken aback……

    He continues to tell me he doesn’t love me and in March after our year waiting period is over he will then file for divorce. I am crushed by this. He’s still seeing the OW, but not as much…….I am trying to stay busy. I pray, I watch wonderful sermons on youtube. I read your blog and many other devotions. I am seeking God, but sometimes I just don’t know how to act around my husband. Nothing I tell him about how much I miss him, or how much I want to be reconciled with him and our family helps……I am definitely looking for my sisters to help me on this.
    Much love,
    Tina

    1. Tina,

      Ugh. Such an incredibly difficult situation! 🙁

      If your husband is continuing his affair, this is certainly a big problem. You can’t really begin to rebuild trust and the marriage until he is willing to stop. But you can be a godly example to him. Still, there will be some dicey issues of how to set appropriate boundaries.

      My greatest question is, what do you believe God is prompting you to do? Are you hearing His voice clearly, do you believe?

      How is your walk with Christ going? That is the key!

      Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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