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"The Worst Year of My Life. But Then… God!" – Quinn's Story

from CBSLosAngeles (picture not related to the wreck in the story)
from CBSLosAngeles (picture not related to the wreck in the story)

 

 

From a dear sister in Christ, Quinn (not her real name), with her permission in response to a comment on Encouragement for Those Who Are in the Trenches. This is a long post – but it is MORE than worth it to take the time to read the whole thing:

I started reading your blog April 13, 2015. I know the exact date because that was the day my husband and I had a major blowout fight to end all fights. We concluded the conversation with the words…”I’m done.”

But God.

As we said the words to each other our 24 years together seemed to race before our eyes. There was still something there beneath all the pain. When we got up the next morning we both were drained and sad. We got into another spat and that lead to a two-day long conversation. We talked about everything. Anything. It all came bubbling out. And by the end we said the words…

I’m not done…I want to fix this.

I LOOKED FOR HELP ONLINE AND FOUND YOUR SITE.

  • Let me say the first thing I did not understand was how important sex was to men. That it was how some feel loved, which definitely was my husband. I was always turning him down. He has a high drive and I was a once a month-er. I even told him if I never had sex again it wouldn’t matter to me. (I deeply regretted that comment when I learned differently and apologized to him.) I just didn’t know it was different for men. Sadly, I viewed it as another thing on my to-do list. And it wasn’t that the sex was bad. Quite the opposite. I was just always too busy and tired.
  • The next thing I learned was what a shrew I had been to my husband. I didn’t realize the way I spoke to him was disrespecting him. It was how the women I grew up with spoke to men. I only saw his anger problems and blamed everything on him. (he gets verbally angry – he has NEVER been physical. I have been and still am completely safe with him. He just learned verbal abuse in his family and that was communication to him… much like shrew was a language to me.)

I started reading everything I could on your site and implementing it.

I asked him to start praying at night with me… something we had never done together before. I made more effort to keep time aside for him and our sex life too. He started to notice the differences in me, he relaxed and I was feeling better too. About six weeks later I decided to apologize to him for my past behavior. It was cathartic.

TERRIBLE NEWS

And then he looked in my eyes and said God is prompting me to also apologize and come clean too.

Then he admitted to having an online emotional affair from January to May. He said it was over and that he had ended it because we were getting to a better place.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I laid in my bed and sobbed. After about an hour I heard God so clearly say, “Go forgive him. You two have had enough pain it is time for healing.” It was the hardest thing to do – but I did.

We had a long talk and decided to work more on our marriage and for the next several months, I thought we were. I know I was. It seemed he was. He was better at being calm and we talked more things out. We still had arguments but no blowouts – which were the regular before. Then one night in October, I just felt something was off. I can’t explain it but I knew I needed to check our phone records. I firmly believe what I found was God’s prompting to fix the mess of our marriage once and for all. Because what I found was from July to October two phone numbers had a ton of calls to them. Numbers I didn’t know in a town about two hours away.

When I confronted him, I found out he was having emotional affairs with two different new women online. He was viewing porn with one of the women and his relationship with her was sexting. She lived in another country. The other woman…sigh….this still hurts to say….the other woman lived two hours away and he told me he fell in love with her and was going to tell me the next day he was leaving me for her. Then he said I will always love you but I am not IN love with you anymore. (For clarity he never met any of these women in person – it was all online/phone. Not that it made it hurt any less.)

I was blindsided. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I thought we were working things out. He prayed nightly with me! How could a praying man do this to his wife?! His level of deception was so deep. I didn’t know who this man was. The man I knew would never…I…it…huge sigh…

I cried and screamed for a good few hours at him. I have never felt that kind of hurt in my life.

BUT GOD.

Remember how I said I felt the feeling I had to look up the phone records was God’s prompting to fix the mess we called a marriage once and for all? Well, I can say without a doubt it WAS indeed God’s hand of intervention. April, I think when I sought out your site in April (I don’t think that is an ironic coincidence either!) that God was preparing me then for what He knew I was going to have to endure in the months ahead. By reading your site – I started to pray, really pray for my marriage and my husband. Remember my husband and I were praying nightly together, too. How you pray to God while cheating I still don’t understand but that is between him and God. I do think though God used it as a chance to be in my husband’s heart. It was an opening. And my prayers gave God more room to work as well.

The next part I am about to explain no one around me understands. I am hoping as I share it here that in this atmosphere it will be understood. Less than 48 hours after I was leveled by my husband… God settled on me in a way I could never begin to put into words. He gave me complete peace. He healed all that pain in an instant. It was gone. (From Peacefulwife – sometimes people experience an instantaneous spiritual healing like this, other times it is a gradual healing.)

What I was left with was this deep, unabiding love that God spoke to me was how He felt for my husband. I still can’t say that without crying. God let me feel, truly feel, the love He feels for my husband. His deeply wounded and abused child. He then spoke to me and said,

“I want you to have the same compassion for him that I do. He is hurting from the lifetime of abuse inflicted on him by his family. He needs to come back to me and I am going to use you to (help him) do that. I want you to go to him and forgive him.”

Now remember I had been asked to do this back in May too when I learned of the first affair. I remembered how confused I was to be asked to do that but I saw God work through it then so I chose to trust God again. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when I said, “I don’t like what you did and you hurt me beyond comprehension but I forgive you. God has given me a deep compassion for you and I see the pain in you differently now. I still love you. I see the man God knows you can be and I think your leaving would be a huge mistake. I think God has so much better for us. But if you don’t love me anymore that is your choice but God loves me and I him so I will be okay.”

His eyes got as big as saucers and his hard shell exterior melted into sobs. I’ve never seen my husband cry like that.

He started to say, “Dear God what have I done?! What have I done to this woman I love so much?! What happened to me?!” over and over.

It was like a literal blindfold was taken off of him and he saw me again. Then he saw his sin. He was so distraught. I kid you not when I say I think I heard some demons screaming for cover as the Holy Spirit descended on us.

PRAYER CHANGED EVERYTHING.

Fortunately, our pastor was coming over within the hour to pray and talk with us. When he walked in the door he said to my husband, “Well brother, long time no see…it is good to see YOU again.” Our pastor and my husband are walking partners. And the day I felt the prompting to look for the phone records was the day my husband admitted to our pastor on their walk that he didn’t love me anymore and that two days later he was going to tell me that and leave me. He didn’t tell our pastor about the affairs on the walk though. But God told our pastor. Our pastor started praying after their walk fervently for our marriage. He stormed the gates of heaven on our behalf and I think that is why I felt the urging to look for the records and that was how it all came tumbling down.

So on the day the enemy had planned for my husband to leave and to destroy our marriage for good…ended up being our day of redemption. PRAISE BE TO GOD! It was instead the day I forgave him and the day my husband was freed from demonic oppression. If you ask my husband now he will tell you, he felt like he was literally blinded. He still can’t fathom how it got so bad. How he did what he did. But that is the enemy’s game…little here, little there until you are so deep in the pit you don’t see the light of day anymore and you somehow don’t think you need to ever again.

HOW HAS IT BEEN SINCE THEN?

My husband and I have spent the last six months going through some DEEP healing. We have done counseling and continue each day to understand our “new” marriage, the new ways of coping with life and ourselves as individuals. We had to learn how to talk to each other, be real and love again. We went through a honeymoon period where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and wanted to be with each other every moment we could. Then we were tested with a lengthy time of not being able to have sex (read below) and we had to level up again in our emotional relationship and friendship.

We still have times when we have to crush the enemy all over again and realize he is still trying to take us down. We have gotten better though at seeing it now and we act on crushing him together. We still pray nightly together and we see how He continues to work through those prayers. We both know we will always have this pain in our past but it does not define our present. It is part of our story that we use to now help others. I often get asked if I really was delivered of the pain that fast. Yes, I truly was. God did a miracle for me. Do I feel sadness that we had to go through this? Yes, I sure do. Do the things I wish I didn’t know pop in my head at times? Yes, they do. So no it is not all sunshine and rainbows but without the dark clouds and storms we wouldn’t appreciate the sun (Son) as much now would we?😉 I choose to remember that God has a plan for us. And whatever that plan is required me to trust God quickly. He had a reason for needing us to work through this all so fast. Whatever that reason is only God knows but I sure am not going to get in the way of whatever it is by holding on to past hurts. It serves me no good in my present day or my future.

What really makes the biggest difference, and always will, is handing the reins over to God.

Doing things His way and not ours. Dig deep into your relationship with God and let nothing and no one interfere with that. Even your spouse. If I had accepted my husband saying he didn’t love me, if I had let the enemy keep whispering to me, if I had not read April’s words and taken them to heart, if I had not allowed God to change ME first… NONE of this would have happened the way it did. I am 100% sure of that. I would be divorced right now.

Even if that worst case scenario had happened I still would have been okay though because I have my God and I need nothing else. *tears of joy* I didn’t know that before April 13, 2015. I was raised with God from birth but I never truly knew Him until this last year.

And I needed Him this last year like I never have before. While I was going through all this I had many other horrific life events going on as well. Illness in my body, deaths of parents, the beginning of our empty nest, and we ended the year with my husband recovering from a very serious car accident.

A MAJOR CAR ACCIDENT.

April, when you used the analogy of marriage being like a car accident down a deep ravine…that is what hit my heart the most.

Six weeks after the betrayal and reconciliation, my husband’s car hydroplaned on a wet road, spun into a pole and went down the ravine toward the river.

If he hadn’t hit the pole the fire chief said he would have gone IN the river. Our 18-year-old son watched the whole accident happen as he was in the car behind my husband. It took 10 firemen to secure the car as it hung on the ravine to keep from sliding down the wet, muddy ground into the river. It was downpouring and there was a power line that he took down went he hit the pole. The first man on the scene and my son both stepped on this line without knowing it was there as they tried to get to my husband before first responders got there. Thank God, the line was not live. It took them almost two hours to extricate my husband from the car.

The passenger side door was resting next to his right side because it was the side that hit the pole. The passenger seat was demolished. The passenger seat I would have been sitting in if not for a stomachache that kept me from going with that night. They had to use the jaws of life to remove the roof and take him out that way. With both lungs collapsed, eight broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Miraculously, that was all of his injuries. He didn’t hit his head, he had no cuts or bleeding, no broken limbs… unreal – considering what the car looked like. When you looked at him he looked normal. He was in ICU for three days and I never left his side. I spent the next four weeks nursing him back to health at home and then he slowly returned to work. That time together while he healed was precious. So many conversations and so much love shared.

My husband has now made a full recovery.

Just like our marriage.

OUR MARRIAGE WAS DOWN IN THAT RAVINE.

Deep down there with the rain pouring on us and the mud keeping our marriage “car” stuck. We were refusing to see how the other was hurt because we were so focused on ourselves at the time. And we both had very little focus on what God wanted for us despite calling ourselves Christians.

I could have wallowed in the pain my husband caused me but the truth is – I hurt him too.

I know what I did to him was not the betrayal of affairs but the way God worded it to me was like this…

“His sin is no worse than yours. Sin is sin. You both have been deeply hurt by life and by each other. Enough is enough. It is time for you both to heal and get onto the plans I have for you.” It took the true First Responder to deliver us out of it but we had to reach up for His hand first before He could get a good grip and pull us out of the mud.

We realize that on that dark, rainy night things could have gone so much differently. If I had been with him, if he had gone in the river, if our son had stepped on a live wire…so much could have changed. Before my husband left the house that night I had a sinking feeling something wasn’t right. (Being an intercessor I get these feelings often.) I went to God in prayer and asked him to watch over my boys and give them safe travel – to send his angels of protection with them. I have no doubt those very angels are why my husband and son sit with me still today. It is the power of prayer that changes lives.

I HAD SOMEONE SAY TO ME…

“Well if God really answered your prayers then He would have kept your husband from getting in the accident at all.”

Oh, this reaction always makes me so sad. It is the refusal to see that life can’t be all good. It is from hurt souls who think following God means everything will be good and if it’s not then God failed. Oh sweet sister or brother we live in a fallen world. Bad stuff happens unfortunately. God is the one that helps us endure those things though! And He uses them for good!

So much good came from the accident.

Of course I wish it hadn’t happened!! But that accident pushed us closer together as a family. It healed a broken relationship that I can’t mention here. It gave ME a renewed zest for life because nothing makes you appreciate life more than seeing a mangled car in a junkyard that could have been where you took your last breath. Honestly, there are too many things to mention. That is not even mentioning the ways it helped others that we don’t know about. The same goes for the affairs. Much good came from that mess coming to light. I have a strong, healthy and happy marriage now. We have a very active sex life and we both speak respectfully to each other now. We are able to help others now who are going through what we did.

GOOD came from it all…because of God.

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR OTHERS WHO ARE HURTING DEEPLY

If I can encourage anyone else who is going through the trenches (so appropriate you named it that, April, because it is exactly the word I always use) with something it would be this… pray, trust God and don’t ever be afraid to do what God asks of you… even the REALLY hard, unimaginable things… pray through them if it is only way you can get through it. If He is asking it of you then there is a good reason you need to do it. And remember that thing you are praying for may only happen if you do that hard thing He is asking first.

Sometimes we truly hold the answer to our prayers in our own hands and until we act we won’t see it happen. If I had argued with God about how “entitled” I am to my pain or refused to see my husband with God’s eyes of compassion… I WOULD HAVE MISSED OUT. I would still be wallowing in that trench full of bitterness, pain, and misery. And I would have denied myself, my husband, our children, our pastor, family, and anyone who hears our story from seeing God’s amazing power at work! If I had not forgiven, as brutally hard as that was, I wouldn’t be able to share this amazing testimony today and maybe touch more lives.

God is always waiting it the wings to get to work. He isn’t the problem. We are.

Our life is completely different now and IT ALL STARTED WITH ONE PERSON… ME. I laid down my idols and dreams… and found God had bigger, better, and more amazing things for me than I ever could’ve imagined. But none of it could happen until I gave him the reins and did as He asked. Even when it made no sense whatsoever to me. And for the record I’m working through another trench currently. It is a deeply painful one. It likely won’t go the way I am praying and I may have to be okay with that. Here is where past trenches can help you… you know you will survive… you know there are better days ahead….and you know where to look for help. UP.

You are all in my prayers. May God fill you with peace, understanding and love.

And April, girl, I can’t wait to hug on you one day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a mentor to me. You truly changed my life. Words can never express what you, my sweet sister, mean to me.

142 thoughts on “"The Worst Year of My Life. But Then… God!" – Quinn's Story

  1. I wish I could send this girl a message because this is my story almost to a T reading it was like reliving my own journey…. thank u for sharing and April your blog was the first one I found on google when my husband announced he was leaving and I read the post on the 2 ways u can handle separation and I chose to love him thru it and he said later that was what made him eventually see Gods truth so thank you!!

    1. Pam,
      Thank you so much for sharing! How I praise God for what He has done and is doing in your life! I can’t wait to see all He has in store for you, my precious sister!

  2. WOW! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! He is truly glorified in this couple’s story!!!! LOVE IT!!!

    I just want to share one thing that popped out in the story that God has been showing me as well recently—-

    “PRAISE BE TO GOD! It was instead the day I forgave him and the day my husband was freed from demonic oppression. If you ask my husband now he will tell you, he felt like he was literally blinded. He still can’t fathom how it got so bad. How he did what he did. But that is the enemy’s game…little here, little there until you are so deep in the pit you don’t see the light of day anymore and you somehow don’t think you need to ever again.”

    If I could, I would highlight demonic oppression, blinded, the enemy’s game……

    2 Corinthians 11:2-3 says:

    2 For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.
    3 But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

    God has been showing me that this is satan’s plan!!! He is trying desperately to invade our minds!!! And it happens to subtily, we can be so blindsided by it, we wake up one day in a pit and we have no idea what happened!!!! He is “seducing” us through the mind to take our eyes off of Jesus! Off of His word! Off of His authority!!! He is playing on the ignorances, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities that we so easily have in our hearts and minds!

    And just as the guest said above, PRAYER!!!! PRAYER! Praising GOD! Setting our WHOLE HEART AND MINDS on JESUS!!! TRUSTING HIM!!!! This is a direct attack on the schemes the devil is trying to use to corrupt our minds!!

    I pray for all of us–for every single whole heartedly devoted follower of Jesus—that He would give us all a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him! That our minds would be guarded, as we SURRENDER every part of our self and life to Him in FAITH! Trusting Him to keep us from evil, and the schemes of darkness!

    I encourage all to keep a close eye on EVERY thought that comes into your mind—and compare it to the word of God, as April has taught!!! We must keep our hearts and minds centered on Christ alone!!!

    Love,
    Amanda

    1. Yes, Amanda!! Amen!!

      As we – in the power of His Spirit – replace all of the worry, doubt, fear, bitterness, resentment, lies, and sinful thoughts with nothing but God’s truth, His Word, His praises, thanksgiving to Him, and Philippians 4:8 things, He empowers us to have victory over Satan’s plans to destroy us through our thought lives.

      Love this!!!!

    2. Amanda this gave me chills as I read it. Which is usually God speaking to me…”Listen up!”…because yes even on this side of that awful year I still have to remind myself at times to keep my eyes up and my heart on God’s whispers…not the ugly whispers of the enemy.

      You nailed it on the head! Jesus is our main line to fight the attacks that come at us. That was why our marriage got to such a dark place…we both took our eyes off the TRUE LIGHT and kept going deeper into the darkness.

      I partner in your prayer! God be praised!

      1. Quinn,
        Amen!! It is very subtle and if we are not careful, we can be overtaken in a moments time!! So thankful for what God is doing in your lives!!

        Blessings,
        Amanda

  3. Waaaaoooh what a testimony.Thanks for sharing. I can identify with you. I have gone through pain and we were on the verge of separation.God came through by using me to hand over the reins to him trust him completely.he told me to obey what he says.some things didn’t make sense but praise the Lord we have a newness in our marriage.

    1. I am sorry to hear you experienced this pain as well. Yes, the things God asks that don’t make sense are hard. But you are more proof that when you follow His lead even what doesn’t make sense can be the best thing you ever do. Woohoo!! Praise the Lord for the newness in your marriage!!!

      Maybe you have an encouraging story that could be shared too! =)

  4. Quinn’s story gives me great hope that my marriage will also be restored. I too feel no anger or hate towards my husband. He was unfaithful but I forgave him. God healed my Heart of pain, anger and sadness. I was so depressed but with prayer and faith in god it all just went away. People can’t believe that I speak to my husband (we are still married but don’t live together) like nothing ever happened. I feel like we are now better friends. Perhaps that’s just what I feel since anything and everything that was done in the past was forgiven. I hope and pray for a new marriage in which God is the center of. I invite God in my marriage and ask for his love and forgiveness in both my husband and myself. I’ve done a lot of things to hurt him so I know healing needs to happen in both of us before we can heal and be restored as a couple. Please pray for us as I will pray for all you sisters in Christ.

    1. I’m sorry to hear you went through this pain as well. I am thankful to hear that God healed your heart! Praise be His name! I know I still have people who say to me how could you forgive him so fast, why didn’t you kick him to the curb, I’d never tolerate such antics…etc etc. I smile, nod and say, “Do you know God?”

      You wouldn’t believe the openings that has given me to share with believers and non-believers alike. Some walk away still upset with me that I am “an idiot” but every now and then I get a look that tells me I got through to them. God will do whatever else needs to happen with both types of people. Maybe you can use that opening too to share God’s love of how He healed your heart. 🙂

      I will add you to my prayer list and I look forward to the day you come back here to share your story of your restored marriage!!

    2. Cristina,

      I love your heart for Christ and the power He has given you to forgive and to see your own sins – and to pray for healing for you both. Than you so much for sharing your story. I pray with you for God’s continued provision, healing, direction, wisdom, and power to bring great glory and honor to Himself in both of your lives and in your marriage.

      Much love to you!

  5. This brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. God is so so good. I know what you mean by the instant healing, as I’ve experienced that as well.

    And these words “I want you to have the same compassion for him that I do. He is hurting from the lifetime of abuse inflicted on him by his family. He needs to come back to me and I am going to use you to (help him) do that. I want you to go to him and forgive him.”

    I’ve heard them about my husband, but needed to hear them again. I could feel God speaking to me through those words.

    So glad I read this today, thank you, and I will pray for you and your trials you are facing.

    1. God is indeed good! I love to hear other people’s stories of instant healing. If you don’t mind sharing it I would love to hear about it. 🙂

      Praise be to God that you felt Him speak to you through these words! That was exactly why I shared our story. I prayed God would be glorified and other marriages would, in turn, feel the impact of His amazing love. I pray He gives you direction on what to do next.

      Oh, thank you for your prayers as well. That means a lot to me. Love to you sweet sister!

  6. This is a beautiful story. It’s amazing how a life & death situation can make you realize how petty some of the “important” things you are clinging to aren’t important at all.

    I ordered your book today, April. I’m going to try to give it to my wife sometime soon. If you have any suggestions on making it well received instead of an attack, I would love to hear them. God bless.

    1. AnonyMan,

      Exactly! I have heard from two wives who were readers of mine and then their husbands died very unexpectedly. Suddenly the things that they used to fight about with their husbands didn’t matter at all. What would a wife give to have the toilet seat left up one more time by her husband after losing him? I long for us to number our days and to realize our time is short – possibly much shorter than we expect. Let’s live without regrets!

      Thank you for ordering my book. 🙂 I think this would be something over which to pray and seek God’s prompting. Some suggestions:

      – “I have read this wife’s story online a bit. What she has to say sounds potentially interesting. Would you consider reading this and letting me know what you think?”
      – “I have read some of this lady’s blog and was challenged personally to go much deeper in my walk with Christ. I’d love to get your insights on what she has to say.”

      It definitely needs to be no-pressure, in my view. Sometimes wives can’t hear this kind of message from their husbands. Sometimes they receive it better from a girl friend. I would focus on the living for Christ as Lord part as you talk about it.

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

      1. Oh, how sad for those wives. My heart and prayers go out to them. I know I look at all those mundane things differently now. I see socks on the floor and it used to annoy me. Now I think I’m thankful I can pick these up and that the feet that wear them are still here. It really does change your perspective on how short life is and what really matters.

        It also helped me see God can provide protection even through pain. That stomachache I got the night of the accident is why I am still here to write this. I used to fight the painful things and say WHY GOD WHY. I don’t anymore. More change in perspective. God is in control. Not me. He has a plan and it is a lot easier to go along with it than fight it.

        1. Love this! Yes! There is much wisdom in the “house of mourning” as Scripture says. We can learn to have right priorities and perspective when we carefully number our days.

          I love that God is sovereign and used that stomach ache to save your life the night of the wreck. That is something I try to teach our children. When our plans get “messed up” it could be God sparing us from something we don’t even know about. I long to be faithful and willing to trust Him even when I don’t understand at the time.

          Much love!

          1. Amen, sister…Amen.

            I taught my children that as well. They sometimes now say it to me. Full circle…how I love to see that. 🙂

      2. AnonyMan,

        Or, you could pray about saying something like:

        – “I’d love for both of us to dig in deeper to follow Christ wholeheartedly. I know I have a lot of room to grow. Maybe we could read a few books together about living for God – some for wives, some for husbands, some for believers in general? What would you think about something like that? I know we will be learning until we reach heaven. It would mean a lot to me if we might study some things together.” And then you may also want to read Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. You may want to read His Needs, Her Needs. Or Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together.

        – “I have read some of April’s blog posts and was really challenged as a husband and as a believer. I wonder if this book might be a blessing?”

        1. Thanks for your suggestions. I’m going to continue to mull over how to present it in the best way possible. Expectations are low. I am placing my hope in eternal things, not necessarily in her ability to “come around.”

          I feel like the marriage has been a wreck from the start and the relationship only getting worse and more divided. In the years we’ve been married I feel like I keep consuming more and more information, have been thrown into the Church and am seeking Christ more than ever before. It’s really helped me in my sanctity, as imperfect as I still am. From that pain, there is fruit in that regard.

          But at the same time, I look at her, and it’s almost like she hasn’t had the “I’VE HAD IT” moment that I had years ago. There’s no truth-seeking, there’s no problem solving going on. It’s the same-old, same-old. I don’t get it, what could possibly penetrate? I know this is judgemental but I’m trying to solve the stinking problem. I see a massive, huge, glaring, horrendous issue, and it needs fixing. Why are we doing crazy when we can do healthy & happy?

          Do you see this a lot? Is this typical? Atypical? Just one type of situation among a spectrum of scenarios?

          1. AnonyMan,

            It truly takes God opening someone’s eyes. I couldn’t open my own eyes. I can’t open anyone’s eyes here. I can explain something 10 times a day to a wife for 6 months – but until God opens her eyes, she can’t see.

            God can reach her. But logic can’t. Does that make sense? It is frustrating. But this is a spiritual battle. If she knew how to see, she would see! Let’s pray together for God to open her eyes in His timing – and for God to use this time of waiting to work in you the way He desires to for His glory.

            This is very typical where one spouse “wakes up” first – long, long before the other. But often, God will change the first spouse over the course of several years, or longer, and eventually wake up the second spouse.

          2. Thank you for your reassurance. I’ve heard you say that a hundred times but guess I needed it typed at me. Haha! I appreciate the time you spend here with all these folks.

    2. AnonyMan. I bought the book hoping my wife would read it but ended up not giving it to her or even showing her. It very much needs discernment as to whether it will be seen as an effort to control her or whether she is open to receiving it. To be frank it challenged me more anyway and is probably what God intended in the first place. Seek His guidance 🙂 HH

  7. What a wonderful testimony. God is an awesome God. I am so grateful that you were obedient immediately. I thank you for sharing, what a blessing!

  8. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this Quinn. May God continue to bless you and all of us who continually work at following Christ.

  9. This blog post brought tears to my eyes. This woman’s strength and trust in God is really inspiring.
    I’m trying to trust in God in my own circumstances and have seriously come a long way!! It feels so great. But me and my husband are so different that sometimes when I think I am just doing awesome he will come out of no where just telling mehow much he can’t stand a certain thing I do.
    I have to tell you yesterday’s story to hash through this with someone bc I feel like I went from 5 steps forward to 20 steps back in the matter of a few minutes.
    I was recently out of town for just the weekend.
    My husband and I in my opinion don’t spend very much quality time together AT ALL. So when I saw him for the first time in a few days I thought he’d want to hug on me a little more but was cutting the grass when I got home and though I got a smile, he didn’t come in until the whole yard was cut. The house was completely cleaned up, he knows I appreciate that so that was sweet. But we had a busy night planned with friends Sunday evening that I feel he dragged on really long when I was ready to go but I didn’t say much to him about it. Came home slept, we both went to work the next day. At work he had called/texted a few times and same here. We were being very sweet to each other which made me happy and I was thinking of asking him if he wanted to go on a date tonight. I missed my husband and wanted to spend time with him, like I always do! He called me while at work still and asked if I wanted to go fishing with him and his 2 friends that night (on our boat, and 2 friends I do not like at all, who recently have been very rude to my husband and extremely mean to him until they found out he got a boat) I was immediately mad and hurt BUT I decided to (in my eyes apparently) be calm and sweet and just tell him how I felt. I told him I wouldn’t really want to go with them bc of how they’ve treated him. And I know they are using him. I also said that I had been Gone all weekend and now work and would’ve loved to spend time with him. But if that’s what he wants to do instead that is fine. He didn’t say much. Very quiet and seemed mad over the phone. I said I am not trying to make you feel bad I just feel sometimes you always have something planned with your friends and they are always wanting you for some thing so I get out a little on the back burner at times bc he is such a people pleaser. So I told him he didn’t have to say yes to everyone and do everything for everyone. He has a hard time saying sorry man I’m gonna be with my wife tonight. After that he didn’t say a word. He seemed almost sad. I told him I loved him and just to think about it and let me know what he decides to do tonight and that I’m fine with whatever.
    I called him again on my way home just to say I did t upset you did I? And make sure he was ok. Again I was completely calm and respectful (in my eyes?) the whole conversation. He said something like he didn’t agree with what I said and that he’s just different from me and let’s things go with people and that he was the one wronged not me and I should let it go too if he can and I told him it’s not that I need to forgive them! Im not even mad at them it’s just clear they are using you and since you feel you have to say yes to everything I just wanted to point out for you I don’t want you to be taken adamant of. He then had an attitude and said so why did you call me? I was still nice and said just to let you know I’m on my way home and to make sure i didn’t upset you earlier.. He got off the phone ubruptly. When I got home he didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. ( I was confused bc I thought I had done everything right, I was calm and sweet in my tone, in the past I would have yelled and talked down to him) he then proceeded to tell me that how I talked about his friends is ridiculous and I have toget over everything they are his friends and always will be (we constantly argue about his friends) he kept saying get over it. Which really upset me bc I feel he is putting them before me. He also said some other things that were really hurtful like why do you think I stay out with them so long when I get a chance bc I feel free I am like a dog in a cage who gets lose and finally has freedom and you are crazy and this is driving me crazy all I did was ask you a question it’s a yes or no question. Do you want to do it or not? I don’t need to know all the other stupid crap you were saying to me. I said well I was just telling you how I feel! Why can’t I tell you how I feel? He said don’t tell me how you feel! I don’t want to know. I’m damned if I don’t ask you to come and clearly I’m damned if I do now too. I am with you Alllllllll the time and I see my friends twice in 3 weeks (lie- he sees them 3 times a week at minimum) I was just sitting there the whole time he’s going off I would say things here and there but j just let him go off and all this hurt me so bad. It clearly is so obvious to me he wants space from me by what he said but it hurts so bad. He also said if any time we had something planned or whatever the case was if you wanted to go be with your friends I would say yes go gladly! But you always make me feel bad about being with them (they are a Terrible terrible influence) then he said some cuss words and stormed off out of the house telling me I have so much pride and he’s sick of it and can’t take it anymore.
    Whew.

    I went into my room and cried my eyes out for a bit then got myself up and prayed and put on some worship music. And really praised god I didn’t lose my temper scream and yell like normal and I’m pretty sure my husband was shocked to. When he came in the house to see I was fine and doing my own thing (dishes) and praising his deamenor changed and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner!
    We went and I didn’t talk much at dinner.
    It feels so weird and wrong not to talk. Like I am being a doormat. Like I have no personality or no say in anything. I have been following your blog for a few years now and trying to become more respectful and God has been changing me and my husband both! Just sometimes it feels like I’m never gonna get there. And I’ve seen you say sometimes you hit a quiet stage or whatever and thought that part is just not for me.. My husband and I talk we always have well mostly I talk but I do have to say after last night it’s clear he’s sick of hearing me and seems like he wants to get away from me. I’m thinking of doing the respect dare again. Or just really trying g to figure out what my next step is. This quiet thing will be hard for me but I really feel god prompting me that’s what it’s time to do but yet my flesh is telling me I will then have no identity . Idk I’m a little confused.

    My husband did apologize for losing his temper and then I just said I’m sorry too. I didn’t want to say what for or anything after sorry bc he always gets upset when I explain myself after I apologize but it just felt very insincere bc I couldn’t explain and we didn’t talk about the fight we just stopped and went on? Which is what he wants but feels so incredibly weird to me
    Idk I am going to pray today and just confirm that’s what God wants from me bc it feels so wrong in my heart I’m questioning if it even is God.. Sorry for the long post I hope to what back from you and Apprexiate you taking the time to read this and care about my life like you and so many others always do!!

    God bless you and this blog community!
    -Confused learning Wife

    1. CLW,

      It is great to hear from you! There is a huge learning curve here for all of us. Husband’s think SO differently from women. If you are interested in hearing my take on what was going on, I think I see a bit of what was happening and why things didn’t go so well with this situation.

      You ARE making progress, and I am very proud of you! As you continue to better understand your husband’s perspective and masculine world, I believe these kinds of misunderstandings will be farther and farther apart and they will be resolved much more quickly.

      Much love!
      April

      1. Hey April! Thanks for the encouragement! Yeah I’d love to hear what exactly you think is going on bc I seem to be confused, like I said I felt I was doing the right thing my husband did not see it that way at all. I’ve been searching your page a bit about the quiet phase and still feel god nudging me toward that.. Excited to hear from you again! Thanks!

        1. CLW,

          Hang in there, my precious sister! I know it seems SO impossible to understand what is respectful vs. disrespectful for a long time. It took me 2.5 years to BEGIN to understand it. But as you continue to grow and learn, it does start to “gel” and make more sense. Eventually, you will wonder why you couldn’t see his perspective before!

          Sending you a huge hug and praying for you!

    2. CLW,

      It is AWESOME that he mowed the yard and cleaned up the house! I hope you praised and thanked him for those gifts to you! 🙂
      Let’s hash through a few things, my dear sister:

      1. You could have shared with your husband privately, “I’d love to go ahead on home now and spend some time enjoying you tonight,” when you felt he was wanting to stay too long at the party.

      2. Or, the next day, you could have texted him, “I’m really looking forward to spending some time with you soon – just us. I missed you so much while I was gone. ;)”

      3. It is fine for you to say what you would like to do and what you would not like to do. But my suggestion is to keep a lot of the detailed reasons to yourself. Especially negative things about his friends or criticism of his character. I believe that he may have heard you say that he is a failure at choosing good friends and that you look down on him and/or them. It may have sounded like you felt that he needs your help to manage friendships, as if he can’t handle them on his own – as if you are his mom and he is your little boy. Could that be possible? Most men are not going to respond well to a lecture, or to feeling that their wife thinks they are inept in handling their decisions.

      You could have said, “I’d really prefer to do something just the two of us, but if you really want to go fishing with friends, I understand and am fine with that.” (if you really are fine with that.)

      When a wife criticizes her husband’s friends or family, he often takes it as personal criticism of him – and in this case, I think it was personal criticism of him. I believe that is why he was upset. He offered to do something he thought would be fun with you – and he got tons of criticism and a lecture. I think he felt really disrespected.

      You can tell him how you feel, “I would love to do something just the two of us,” without all of the details about how you don’t like his friends. Or if you REALLY must tell him something about his friends, you could say something really brief, “It is hard for me to be around those friends because of how they have treated you in the past.” Then stop! No more detail is needed about how you think he is mishandling them and how you think they are taking advantage of him. Let him be a grown man and figure that out for himself.

      I’m SUPER glad you didn’t react more negatively when he was trying to explain how disrespected he felt. THAT IS AWESOME! If you had blown up at him then, it would have made things so much worse.

      There are LOTS of things you can say. But criticisms of his character and his ability to handle his own relationships and decisions are things that you will want to really prayerfully consider before approaching him. I hope that makes sense. 🙂 You CAN share how you feel and what you want without throwing him under the bus, thankfully!

      As you learn to let go of this inadvertent disrespect, I believe he will want to hear more about your thoughts and feelings because he will feel more and more safe around you.

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you April! This reply was super helpfil for me as well. It will be of great benefit when it comes to handling the situations with my hubby. You know our situatoon is a little different and doesnt involve male friends unfortunately ;-). But general advice is wonderful. Thank you!

    3. I just want to encourage you, as a man, not to overthink the apology thing. “I’m sorry” followed by an “I love you” will do 1000x more than an apology with an explanation. While you feel like you’re explaining (and perhaps softening) the conflict, all he is hearing is an I’m sorry followed by a justification that completely makes the apology sound insincere.

      This is a classic difference between male & female. Don’t over think it! 🙂

      1. ” ‘I’m sorry’ followed by an ‘I love you’ will do 1000x more than an apology with an explanation.”

        Not to knock AnonyMan, but I would submit that this isn’t always true.

        The first thing I think of is the statement “I love you.” This can be and has been problematic in struggling marriages. Why? Because what may be one of the biggest “non-spiritual” (if I may put it that way) issues in a marriage is the husband not feeling loved. If he doesn’t feel loved, then her saying “I love you” may only remind him that she has no idea what it means to love him.

        “While you feel like you’re explaining (and perhaps softening) the conflict, all he is hearing is an I’m sorry followed by a justification that completely makes the apology sound insincere.”

        Agreed, for the most part. In this case, presentation is key. If the wife’s modus operandi is to offer an “explanation,” which the husband typically sees as excuse-making, then…yeah…she’s probably making matters worse.

        1. Reggie,

          Wow! Another masculine perspective. This is awesome because the more men we have that share – I think – the better. It is helpful for us to get a better understanding of how different men think in general and how our particular husbands may think specifically.

          Thank you so much, our brother!

      2. LOL, this cracks me up because as a woman, I want to hear a detailed apology – not details that defend the action, but details about why I’m sorry, how I know it hurt you, etc. An apology that helps me to know that my husband really “gets” why I’m hurt and owns up to any part he had in my hurt.

        It’s funny how you, as a man, are saying that an I’m sorry and an I love you is good enough and yet, as a woman, I would want more than that. I appreciate your perspective here! Thank you for sharing!

        I wonder if I’m alone in this (as a woman) or if this is a common difference….or if I’m being too demanding. Hmmm….

        1. CIC,

          I think that this is exactly why we have so many misunderstandings and problems in marriage. I agree that most women long for a detailed apology because they feel it helps them understand their husband better and words tend to be very meaningful to us as a way to bond. We also think that if the apology is more detailed, it seems more sincere, I believe.

          I think that most husbands don’t put a lot of value on words and prefer short apologies or no verbal apologies and something tangible to be done for the other person instead – because “words are cheap” to a lot of husbands.

          1. Reggie,

            I know it seems that would be the case. But, I actually believe that for a lot of wives, words are very powerful and sometimes we would rather have words than actions. To many of us, loving words from our husband = intimacy. If a wife has been burned a lot by insincere words or lies, she may not value words much.

            But a lot of wives truly would rather have a verbal, sincere, detailed apology than actions of contrition at first. Ideally, we would have both. We want the words to set a verbal milestone that mark that actions will be different from this point forward.

            To wives, actions without the verbal apology can seem meaningless.

            I can’t count how many wives have shared with me that they are so upset because their husbands won’t verbally apologize. I realize many men don’t value a verbal apology, but, in my experience, most women really do. We think in words, we love with words, we bond with words, we heal with words. To many of us, emotional intimacy and connection is all about words.

          2. Reggie,

            So many times, our perspectives and expectations are completely opposite from each other as men and women. We each do what we would want the other to do for us – which is great. But we each want opposite things and feel loved by opposite approaches.

            – A man tries to treat his wife respectfully by not helping because she didn’t ask for help, and she may feel unloved because he didn’t jump in to help her. A husband feels disrespected because his wife jumps in to help (thinking she is being loving) but he feels disrespected and thinks she assumes he can’t handle things on his own.

            – A wife wants verbal closure of a discussion to be sure she and her husband have a strong marriage and are going to resolve the issues. Her husband may need space and time to think and process things. Neither are wrong, but both can assume evil motives of the other because they have different approaches. A wife may think, “If I wanted space from him, it would be because I hated him and didn’t want this marriage to work. Obviously that must be how he feels!” And a husband may think, “She is smothering me and demanding that I talk before I am ready. If I did that it would be because I was the most disrespectful guy in the world. She is obviously purposely trying to disrespect me.”

            Things can get really sticky simply when we don’t understand each other.

          3. I completely agree… for me, as a woman, words are immeasurably more important… my husband does not apologize for things, and it leaves me with a lot of resentment toward him; I know, that I should not feel resentful about it, but I do! I need to learn to just hand it all over to God, since his perspective is hugely larger than mine ever will be! Thanks, April, for all that you do for us, blessing us a thousand times with your blog and insight!
            Love, A Lifelong Learner

          4. Almut Raque,

            Thank you for sharing! Want to know something really neat that I believe God has shown me? I believe that women are so into words and emotional connection as a means of bonding and receiving love from our husbands because that is how the church connects with Christ. We can’t see Him. But we have His Word. We can meditate on it. We feast on His Word, it is how we know His deepest heart and character. It is how we bond with Him. And then prayer, as well. There is a conversation that is our lifeline.

            I definitely love words – words of affirmation, words of blessing, prayer together, words of sincere apology, words of sincere love, genuine compliments, etc… Thankfully, even though my husband is not very verbal, I have learned to receive his love for me in his actions. That is a huge blessing. It was also a profound blessing to me the day that Greg explained to me that he always feels connected to me emotionally whether we are talking or even together or not. So neat to see how differently we think and to explore each other’s mindsets and learn to understand each other more and more fully.

            I’m so glad God allows me to be here and that we can all share together! Love it!

            Much love!

          5. Building on this idea…..

            I’m good with words, it’s somewhat a strength of mine, and I use them relatively carefully and try to be very clear with them. In the first year or two of my marriage I might apologize with more depth. Soon I learned that was a mistake because with every detail I provided, she provided correction to how she perceived the detail. This began the endless regression into the history of the dispute, again arguing about the details, back to square one.

            After a period of time I have truncated my apologies because I know that in a moment of humility, I’m about to be further emasculated as I am “corrected” to see it her way. In a sad way, the thing she so deeply desires has been sabotaged by her own behavior. I know I’m finger-pointing and you’re hearing one side of the story, but it’s my perspective. I can’t apologize, because I lose if I truncate it (insincere perception) and I lose if I give a longer detailed apology (full of correction and further emoting to try to get me to submit to her perception completely).

            I hate arguing.

          6. AnonyMan,

            I am sure Greg felt that way for a long time earlier in our marriage. I truly didn’t “get it” that there could be another perspective other than mine that could be “right.” I know that sounds awful. It just never dawned on me that could be a possibility and that other people would or should think differently from me.

            It is no fun being in a lose/lose situation like that. Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

  10. Amazing testimony! My situation is very similar. The enemies “MO” . Thank you April for leading this journey for us, I am so thankful you answered the Lords call. I am so thankful Lord for April and all these ladies! I am also thankful that I am about to celebrate 25 years of marriage in just a week or so.

    1. ccwife,

      Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary!

      I, too, am completely amazed and in awe of all that God is doing and how He is working here. What a blessing to have this place where we can gather to love, encourage, share, pray for, and support each other!

      Much love!

  11. I need a prayer. My husband asked for divorce.
    The most hurtful thing is that he continues to lie about his affair. I do not know what to do about this. He said he will separate, but he is still living at home.

    He tried to be nice with me to ease his consciousness. After the talk I tried to continue to be loving, but too much is too much, so I backed off to protect my heart. I know I have to respect him and honoring him, and not respect his sin.. it’s difficult.

    I do not know in which state I would be now, if God was not with me.

    Thank you for your prayers.

    1. 😔😓 prayers for you.
      You are not alone. Your pain is never wasted and even though it’s hard to see right now… God IS working things out for your good. Don’t let go of him. Just look at this story of this blog post. BUT GOD can do ANYTHING he is a God of miracles!! Continue to fight for your marriage and pray for your husband.

      1. Niki, thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. It helps a lot.

        I will continue to fight and pray for my husband. But sometimes the thought of the divorce and the affair makes me to react differently and not fight, and then I make mistakes.

        I have to put all my trust in our Lord Jesus.

        Love to you.

    2. Ev…my heart breaks for you. Please accept this virtual (((hug))). Keep your eyes on God and let Him be your comforter. I have added you to my War Room wall. I pray God will give you what you need most in this moment. Love to you sweet sister.

      1. Thank you Quinn for your Hug and your prayers. It helps to have so many sisters in this virtual world.

        “Doing things His way and not ours. Dig deep into your relationship with God and let nothing and no one interfere with that. Even your spouse. If I had accepted my husband saying he didn’t love me, if I had let the enemy keep whispering to me, if I had not read April’s words and taken them to heart, if I had not allowed God to change ME first… NONE of this would have happened the way it did. I am 100% sure of that. I would be divorced right now.”

        I did not also accepted my husband saying he did not love me, but now the divorce and his lies about the affair is making me give up a little bit. I know that my husband will try everything for me to give up (one counselor said this). I also know that is the enemy whispering to me that it will not work. I have to concentrate on God’s promises. I have to stick to God, ask for his help and continue to allow Him to change me.

        When my husband talked to me about the divorce I reacted very calmly. I told him that I do not want to divorce, that I’m a committed woman, and that he is important to me. I told him also that if he wants to leave he can, that I can’t control him. He was very angry (I understood later that it was a form of manipulation for me to divorce amicably !?). It was a month ago when we talked. Two weeks ago he asked for a divorce. In the meanwhile to ease his consciousness he treats me better: asks me if I would like to go out, if he can help me, etc. I do not react very much, I withdraw a bit out of respect for his decision to leave, and also because I try to show dignity and self respect. I put some boundaries. I go out with friends and react more independently. The balance between being loving without showing too much and being independent is still not easy.

        Love to you.

        1. Ev,

          I love that you are reacting calmly and with self-respect and dignity. I love that you said you don’t want a divorce, that you are a committed woman, and that he is important to you. I pray for God’s wisdom for you about if/when to separate or if you should stay, and that God would direct you in each baby step He desires you to take. This is a very tough situation and the balance is extremely difficult – it will require you to be filled up with Christ to overflowing so that you can hear His voice clearly.

          Praying for God’s healing for you both and for your marriage, my dear sister! Praying for you to have the strength you need to do what God calls you to do even if it is painful and for you to set a godly example.

          I am encouraged that your husband is treating you well in a lot of ways lately – we will pray for God to reach his heart. I pray most of all for God to empower you through this time and that you might be open to allow Him to do anything He desires to do in your heart and life. There are serious spiritual treasures to be had as you abide in Christ during a fiery trial like this.

          Much love!

          1. April, thank you so much for your prayers for both of us !

            Thanks for the encouragement !

            God bless you, your family and all the brothers and sisters on this blog !

            Ev

            P.S. I will reply bellow.

        2. Yes, having sisters in the virtual world is a true blessing.

          In reference to the part of my story you quoted…
          That was the place I had to be when I let the outcome go to the Lord. I had to do as God was asking me, to forgive my husband, even if I didn’t understand it. That was what He called me to do in our situation. (He may call you to handle yours differently.) It was hard to think of doing at first but God had taught me so much through April’s ministry here. The old version of me would not have handled this well at all. But I was a changed woman…so I had to leave the burden and pain at His feet and walk in His plan knowing I did everything I could on my end. If my husband had chosen to keep living in his sin I could have walked away confident I did my part…even if my husband had not done his. I was walking with the Lord and that was all that ultimately mattered. Does that make sense? I am having a hard time putting into words my response. I pray you understand what I am trying to say. 🙂

          Sweet sister, it sounds like you are doing a good job of handling a very hard situation. Keeping looking up and concentrate on God’s promises. Lean on the Lord. And remember above all else HE is what is most important. Your relationship with God will be there to guide you and pull you through whatever may come.

          I pray God continues to give you direction and that you feel His mighty arms holding you tight. I pray there is healing and restoration in both you and your husband as individuals but also as a couple.

          My prayers and love are with you.

          1. Thank you Quinn. I understand what you are trying to say. It’s not easy, but God gives me strength to continue and handle the things better. Walking with the Lord and obeying Him is ultimately all that matters to me now too. That’s why I will have, sooner or later, to confront my husband who continues to lie. I know that His righteousness will keep me on His ways and that if my husband leaves I will be ok.. knowing that I did everything I could on my end. I also leave the outcome go to the Lord now. Yes, He is what is most important.

            Thank you so much for your prayers.
            I pray healing for you and your family.

            Love to you.

          2. Much love to you, sweet sister. Whatever may come you are in my prayers. And I thank you for your prayers as well. ((hugs))

    3. Dear Ev,
      I am praying for you. You are Jesus’s precious little lamb. Let Jesus carry you. Be that gentle, humble, kind, true lamb who leans into her Good Shepherd, Jesus. You are His. You can love with His love, His heart, His goodness. We can’t do anything on our own power. Our human nature is at odds with surrendering and trusting…but our spirit knows this is the way.

      1. Thank you Renee for your prayers. That’s so sweet.
        I have to continue to look up to our Lord Jesus.
        Yes, without Him we can do nothing.

        I have to take my thoughts captive and concentrate only on Him.

        Love to you.

    4. Ev,

      Ugh! SO painful!! 🙁 I really do think this kind of pain can be much worse than the death of a spouse – or it seems to me that it could be.

      How long ago did this happen? 🙁

      You know for sure he really is having an affair?
      If you truly know he is living in unrepentant adultery, that is a big problem.

      Do you have any godly counselors or pastors you trust taht you feel you can talk wtih to help you walk through this?

      How are you doing with Christ, or are you still in shock? There are a lot of difficult emotions to process after something like this. It can take some time to work through them all.

      I am praying for you both and for God to work in both of you to heal you in Christ and to restore your marraige in His timing for His glory!

      1. Thank you April for you prayers, and for this blog. I’m lifted up through our Lord Jesus.

        The affair started more then two years ago. He stopped and then started again. The counselors advised me to work on my change and not talk about the affair. But he continues to lie even if I ask him about it. He is unrepentant, and yes, it’s a big problem. He said (many times) that he would like to separate because he wants to be alone, but still continues to leave in the house. Now I would like he separates, because he continues with the affair. I’m sure he has one.

        I would like to have more time with Christ, He helped me so much. I’m not in shock now. I worked through my difficult emotions alone and with God’s help. My husband was not supportive. He says he can’t understand how I’m still here with him after everything he did (all this two years he was very withdrawn, did not talked to me, did everything for me to give up..). I know that is God’s work ! He gives me strength. Two years ago I would freak out.

        God is good and powerful !!

        I really have to take my thoughts captive so I can concentrate on His word.

        I read many times – when your husband says I’m done.
        I try to give him space, to respect his decision to leave.
        One counselor advised me not to show my emotions and start to get life; another one to be affectionate and loving and to show my commitment to my husband…

        Love to you.

        1. Ev,

          Hmm.. I think I am confused.

          Why did the counselors say you were not supposed to talk about the affair?

          There was no talk about that he would need to repent and that he would need to rebuild trust?

          You are completely sure he had an affair and was lying?

          Praying for you, my dear sister!

          Much love to you!

          1. April,

            I caught my husband talking with the other woman on skype. He was very affectionate with her. I confronted him the day after. He did not reacted well, was very angry and in the heat of the moment even mentioned a divorce. He lied and continues to lie. The counselors said that it is better not to talk about the affair, that it will stop in some time. They advised me to continue to work on me and to have patience. The initial shock was very bad and I think I’m made the things worse. He stopped the affair for some time and than continued again. I week ago I asked him if there is another women in his life, but no response again. He gets angry. I’m sure he has one. I checked his phone.

            I’m ashamed to say, but the other woman is my husband’s student. Each time I say that I want to visit him at work he gets very angry. The counselors do not advise to go there because my husband will feel that I control him.

            “There was no talk about that he would need to repent and that he would need to rebuild trust?”

            Yes, they said that in some time if I continue to do the right things, that the obstinate spouse will repent in time. And if he is willing to work on the marriage he will need to rebuild trust..

            I sure will need to set some boundaries.. what do you think April..

            Thank you for your prayers !
            Love to you !

          2. Thank you April. I do not know which kind of affair it is…
            We haven’t been intimate in a long time.

          3. Ev,

            I am still confused about why you were being counseled the way you were – not to mention his unrepentant sin at all? And you don’t even, still to this day, know if the affair was physical or not? That seems like really important information to have. 🙁

            I would really love for you to contact http://www.focusonthefamily.org and talk with their counselors. I am not sure that you are getting the best advice for a wife whose husband is involved in an affair.

            At this point, what do you believe God desires you to do?

            How are you doing spiritually today?
            Much love to you!

          4. April, thank you so much for the website. I will contact them.

            The counselors said that I should not talk about the affair, that the affair would stop sooner or later. He later said that I should talk about it with my husband.
            In the beginning of the affair, I tried to talk to my husband, but he lied. He continues to lie.. I will have to prepare well for this confrontation. I will probably have to show material facts to him too.

            I believe God wants me to continue to do His will and not give up. I think He is preparing me to speak to my husband (in love) about the affair.

            I’m well, thanks to God. I lean on Him. I love to leave through God’s righteousness. He gives me strength to respect my husband; to love him and not hate him; to forgive him. I love God.

            Love to you April.
            Thanks to God for your ministry !

          5. Ev,

            I pray for God’s wisdom for you about how to bring this up, when, and what to say – and for God’s Spirit to lead and direct and empower you every step of the way.

            Much love to you!

  12. Good morning. This is so hard. I feel like with each lie I try to deal with, ten more come flooding in. I don’t want to give up. I want to be strong. I need to focus on my worth in Jesus.

    Sunday was a pretty good day. I fought a couple dozen battles in my mind and won most of them (with God’s help, of course.) But the one I lost is the one my husband notices.

    I don’t blame him. He has put up with my toxic thoughts for so long, of course he’s going to notice if I act on one. I just wish he could also see the dozens of toxic thoughts I fight off. This is so hard.

    I am not giving up this time. I have to keep trying. It is so hard.

    1. Becca,

      This is going to feel VERY foreign. And it is painful to confront these lies. I believe you have quite a few lies – so yes, as you begin to dig, you will find more and more. Like we all do!

      Yes, focus on your worth in Christ and His strength and allowing His Spirit to begin to take more and more control of your heart. This has to all be Him. You can’t do this on your own. But He can absolutely do this in you! It will take perseverance and patience but please don’t give up! Just take a baby step at a time. This is not going to be a one week or one month process. It will be a long process. But that is okay! That is how it is for all of us. 🙂

      I praise God for the battles that you have won with God’s help! THAT IS AWESOME!

      Are you talking with your husband about what you are learning? If he has been praying for you a lot about this, he may be willing to be a sounding board to help you hash through things and to help direct you to godly thinking?

      I am praying for you and right here cheering you on, my precious sister!!!!!! This is the hardest stage. But it is SO WORTH IT!

      Much love!
      April

      1. Thank you April. Today is better. Last night my husband and I talked for a couple hours about a lot of things. For the first time in forever, I felt like we really listened and heard one another. He does love me, and I think I am finally able to begin to see that.

        Another interesting but positive thing – I tend to read several books at once. I’m reading a couple books I’ve read before, but it is like I’m reading them for the first time. I feel like before I was reading everything with a chip on my shoulder. Everything is taking longer, but making more sense. It’s kind of like I’m seeing so many things, and understanding them, for the first time. I believe it is because I’m finally asking God for help.

        I am praying (for myself). Probably still not as much as I need to, but at least 150% more than I was. I told my husband about this, because he has been encouraging me to pray for myself for a while. He said, “that’s good” – which isn’t really the reaction I expected. But when we talked about that last night, he said he wanted to be happy, but he wasn’t sure if it was really for real, and of course he was afraid of saying that. Sadly, I can completely understand.

        I am still struggling a LOT with my way of thinking, sometimes more than others. I’m learning I need to get my focus back on the Lord over and over and over again.

        Thank you for being there and especially for your prayers.

        1. Becca,

          This is awesome. I am really glad you had a good talk with your husband. I hope you will be super patient with him as he is going to be pretty skeptical that this is for real for awhile. That is totally fine. You just work on you and God and allowing Him to transform you. Your husband is one of the most supportive husbands I have seen among all the wives I have walked beside. I think he will be able to hash through some things with you more than a lot of hurting husbands could. But ultimately, it is God you need the most. I hope you can say, “I totally understand why you feel afraid to be happy. Thanks for being honest with me. That means a lot.”

          There is a HUGE difference between just reading words and reading with the desire to ask God to help you understand and change your heart and life. This is GREAT!!!!!!! WOOHOO!

          I am really thankful you are finally praying for yourself! Jesus prayed for Himself – and He was perfect! How much more do we need to pray for ourselves in our own weakness and sinful mindsets!

          The next month or two will be the hardest in a lot of ways – but you will still have tons to plow through after that. That is totally fine. This is a slow process. You can’t tear down a house and completely rebuild it in one day. Savor the journey with Jesus and your husband. Rest in their love. When you feel upset, assume that you may not fully understand before assuming the worst and seek to gently, respectfully understand better. Breathe. Relax. Praise God. Thank God. Learn. Grow. Love. Confess sin. Embrace God’s Spirit’s power. Yield to Him. Rinse. Repeat. 🙂

          I am SO excited about what God is doing in your heart. This is the kind of forward motion I have been praying for – for two years! WOOHOO!!!!

          You are most welcome. It is my honor to get to walk beside you on this journey.

          Much love!
          April

    2. Oh, Becca but you ARE strong!! If you weren’t strong you would not be here writing these comments because you wouldn’t care. But no…you keep fighting through! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13 my favorite verse!) Let’s alter that just a little…. Becca CAN do ALL things through Christ who gives her strength!!

      A couple more that popped to mind…

      Nehemiah 8:10 – …for the JOY of the Lord is your strength.

      Psalm 28:7 – The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

      May I encourage you to do as my Pastor has told me to do…look to the Word as your mirror. What it reflects back to you IS you! You ARE strong because the Word says you are. Find your favorite verses and speak that Word over yourself all day long. Alter then like I did the one above so you speak it over yourself. As you said below your husband suggested praying for yourself. Do that too. Pray that God will help you fill to overflowing with His promises and push all that dirty, negative self-talk right out the door of your mind. You CAN do this! And I know you can because I walk this road too. I still have to keep speaking my favorite verses over myself when I feel the enemy whispering ugly things to me. It is hard but it can be dealt with by speaking the Word at it just as Jesus did. And I know beyond know you’re going to conquer this! We are all more than conquerors! (Romans 8:37)

      And just food for thought….I bet your husband does see you fight off the toxic thoughts. He probably doesn’t want to mention it so he doesn’t put your mind back on something you overcame. 😉

  13. This is such a great story of God’s amazing power!!! How you were able to HEAR God’s voice in the midst of everything and be OBEDIENT is such a witness. Your words to your husband were inspired. I pray the Holy Spirit uses your life and marriage in continued might ways for God’s glory!

    1. Renee thank you for such a beautiful comment. And thank you for that prayer! God being praised is always my hope through our story!

  14. Hi – this is not related to this post but I have a question. In short – A friend is in a very difficult marriage and situation. She is following/seeking Christ and allows others to disciple her and speak truth into her life. Her husband is very controlling, emotionally abusive, engaged in infidelity and is not willing to be shepherded in the Word and will not accept hearing the truth in love. He believes he is right with scripture and everyone else is wrong and is only interested in debating scripture. I would say he is not seeking or following Christ. He has filed/canceled divorce probably four times now. There’s never rhyme or reason to his actions. They are back “on” now and he wants to buy a home and liquidate all of her savings, 401k, everything regarding her retirement and is asking that she sign it over. She is asking me at what point does she put up caution signs, or does she? Does she just keep on doing what he asks even if he wipes her out and decides to leave her? Is she supposed to go with it and just trust God, not speak up? I think of 2 Pet 3:1-6 and that she should submit (unless he’s asking her to sin) and respect out of her submission to Christ.
    I’d love your thoughts on this as I want to counsel my friend in a biblical way. TIA!!

    1. Kelli,

      Yikes! This sounds very rough. 🙁 so heartbreaking!

      If a husband is continuing in unrepentant sin and/or is not in his right mind, there are times it is not safe for a wife to submit to his decisions. She can be respectful. She can want to honor his leadership, but she must weigh things carefully if a husband is this far from God.

      http://Www.leslievernick.com may be a helfpul resource.

      What are her counselors suggesting she do?

      Is he mentally stable? Could it be possible he may have an issue with mania, drugs, or alcohol?

      1. April – thank you, I appreciate the response. I don’t believe he has alcohol abuse, I’m pretty certain he doesn’t use drugs. I want to say she’s told me she thinks he might be bipolar because he shows the characteristics of such behavior, but I can’t recall for certain if she said that. From what I hear from her I believe he struggles with some sort of emotional/mental issue. She’s spoken to a few other believers that have been walking alongside her and some of them have met the husband and tried counseling him. Most are encouraging her to continue trusting God daily to provide and unless she is not safe, is in harm’s way or being physically abused to continue living with him. I know she shared with him that she isn’t comfortable with his request/decision and anytime she shares feelings he ends up berating her for all the things she’s doing wrong. Just a sad case! She feels like no matter what she can’t do anything right.
        Appreciate your time with responding!

        1. Kelli,

          If there are serious mental health issues or major spiritual strongholds going on – I would encourage her to find a trustworthy counselor to help her with this. About the money thing, she can say, “I want so much to honor your leadership and to trust you in every way I can. I would like for us to stop and really think through a decision this big for awhile. Saving for retirement and emergencies is extremely important to me. What is it about a house that would mean the most to you? Is it possible for us to get some of the things you want on a lower budget? Maybe we can work together to find a compromise we can both live with and enjoy?”

  15. I pray that healing happens in my marriage. Thank you for giving me hope.

    I know that my marriage would and could be so awesome.

    How do I pray for the oppression my husband is under? How do I pray for me to find hope and peace e in God so that I REALLY BELIEVE THAT I WILL BE OKAY if my marriage ends?

    What do I pray for?

    How do I let go and give it..my husband, my marriage, my life over to God? And NOT take the course troll back?

    1. Hope Always,
      I have a number of posts that address this, my dear sister. 🙂 you are welcome to search my home page for:

      – when your husband says I’m done
      – my husband wanted a divorce
      – peaceful separated wife
      – can you pray too much for your marriage
      – idol/idolatry
      – my secret idol
      – insecurity
      – security
      – contentment

      What do you desire in your relationship with Christ?

      How do you feel about the idea of being content in Christ alone even if your other desires don’t come to be?

      Much love to you!

    2. I am so thankful to God that our story gave you hope. My prayers are with you and your marriage. May God give you direction and peace for the days ahead.

      Much love to you!

  16. Dear Hope Always,

    For me, it is about trust in Jesus and surrendering every worry, every fear, every moment. Sometimes all I can say is “Jesus” over and over. And while I’m saying His name, I’m thinking, “I am yours. You are mine. You made the universe. You can do anything. You died for me. You love me. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You are my beloved. I am so thirsty and hungry for You…I want you and need you. You are wanted and needed in my heart, in my mind, in my home. Jesus save us. Jesus heal us. Jesus, take over.”

  17. Hi,
    I’m pretty new to this blog, I am not new to wives submitting to their husbands though. We’ve been married more than 10 years, and about a year after we married I read a few books on how wives need to submit to their husband.
    But I feel like I might be the more passive one in our marriage. I often blame myself when things go wrong, and its often not something I did.
    I am not overly controlling. My husband is the over ambitious one, to the point that it gets him into trouble. I feel like God has told me on several occasions to help him keep his feet on the ground. But I find myself resisting, because I’m afraid that when I say something he will get angry or pull away or he might put me in a situation that will make me uncomfortable.
    From reading this blog about Quinns story, A few things that really jumped out at me were that, God used her to bring her husband back to God, as an intercessor. I got your book and the first thing that you wrote was, for wives who are overly submissive, timid or passive that they might need a different approach.
    I feel like it’s no coincidence that I’m finding all this info about being overly submissive, because my husband has gotten himself into some financial trouble, and when I pray about I feel very strongly about what God’s telling me, but it will be a huge change. If there is anyone here that feels they could give some advise, I’d appreciate it!

    1. Searching,

      I’m super glad God is helping you to see maybe where some of your thinking could be more healthy and for reaching out! That is awesome!

      I invite you to search my home page for:

      – submission is not passivity
      – doormat
      – the pendulum effect
      – idol husband
      – idolatry
      – command man
      – conflict

      Also, you may want to search the posts by “Radiant” – you can search “radiant” on my home page.

      Praising God for what He is doing and will do in your life! 🙂

  18. A part of me feels like jumping in and saving the day, and I know I will get overly tired trying to fix his mess.

    1. Searching,

      We all need Jesus desperately. None of us can be the savior for another person.

      Would you like to talk a bit more about what is going on?

      I also invite you to search my home page for:

      – healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
      – oneness
      – closeness
      – control
      – fear
      – insecurity
      – security

      Much love to you!

      1. Thanks for replying, I appreciate it!
        Since finding your website, and reading Laura Doyle’s book, I’v been very confused as to what to do in my marriage. It seems to me that you and her are both very ambitious women, married to passive men. We are the exact opposite.

        I thought we had a pretty good marriage, but lately, I’m not so sure. My husband does most of the talking, I’v always wished I could speak up more, but find myself pulling back when my husband says, or does things that I disagree with. There aren’t any major sins that I know of.
        I feel like God is telling me he needs this from me. He needs my input, my ideas. I do give them, but they usually come out in the form of hurt or anger. And I know now that its because I keep it in so long that it builds up to an explosion. I see things that are being done wrong, but fear of his rejection stops me from sharing my point of view.

        We are going through a tough time right now, mostly financially. We started a business about 6 years ago. I was very involved, doing molten bookkeeping. Things were going good, i loved the work. But since Sept last year, I haven’t been involve much, because of kids and keeping up with the home.
        I am getting this strange feeling that something is very wrong in the business. And I feel like he is avoiding it. So I’m really struggling with the thought of should I help out or stay away.
        I have totally shut down lately, because of not being able to communicate myself to him. I’v been upset for years over the fact that, I feel like I know who I’m married to, but he hardly knows anything about me.

        Thanks for hearing me!

        1. Searching,

          The post today may be helpful. And the posts by Radiant are from a wife with the same dynamics in your marriage – she used to do the same exact things you are describing you are doing. So I would definitely encourage you to search those, as well as search the term “command man” on my home page.

          The Pendulum Effect post is about how we tend to swing from one sinful extreme (too passive) to the other (too controlling) but both of those are destructive and there is a place in the center where we are filled with God’s Spirit that is where we all need to be. 🙂

          You may also search my home page for:

          – I don’t want to lose my voice, my power, or my identity
          – 25 ways to respect myself
          – my security is in Christ
          – I must avoid conflicts at all costs
          – some conflict is inevitable
          – being vulnerable and direct feels wrong
          – another challenge, let your yes mean yes and your no mean no
          – healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
          – the frustrating quiet phase (this is not supposed to last forever!)
          – I am responsible for my emotions
          – I am responsible for myself spiritually
          – to speak or not to speak
          – confronting our husbands
          – a wife’s authority
          – submission is not passivity

          Keep in mind, he can’t make you shut down. He can’t steal your joy if you are in Christ. You own your emotions and feelings. You are allowed to feel what you feel. You have an important job in the marriage to influence your husband for Christ. Don’t give that up! I pray for God’s wisdom and healing as you seek to become the woman and wife He calls you to be and I pray for His wisdom about how to approach things.

          Much love to you!

          1. Thanks for the advice, it is very helpful. I will spend the next couple of days reading your suggestions, but I get the feeling this is going take me awhile to learn. So I will probably be back. I’ve been sharing my struggles with my sister for a few years now, and she suggested I try looking elsewhere for counsel. I’m soooo glad I found your blog April❤️ I was able to speak to my husband a little bit about my real opinions in the business today, (because he can see somethings been bothering me for some time now) he seemed relieved that he finally knew what was bothering me.

            Thanks again!💖

  19. “Continue to fight for your marriage and pray for your husband.”

    I mean no disrespect to anyone here, but, I’ve seen these types of comments many times; from those suggesting it to others, to those telling themselves.

    What I don’t understand is how people who apparently want to “fight for” and otherwise save their marriages find themselves doing so many things to ruin it in the first place?

    And this is a sincere question. I really would like to get wives’ comments on this.

    Thank you.

    1. Reggie,

      In my experience, people do the best they know how to do. Sometimes we have major blind spots – like I did for so long. But once God opened my eyes and I could see my sin and see His way – I wanted to change. I was desperate for Him to change me so I could learn to love His way. People often don’t see their contribution to the dysfunction. They feel their own hurt and don’t see their spouse’s pain. They do what “feels right” to them and what comes “naturally” but it is the sinful nature that is in charge – and that is always a destructive response.

    2. I want to be clear about my post: I am in no way suggesting that husbands are void of such actions and attitudes…blind spots, as you’ve said, April.

      While writing that earlier post, I was wondering to myself if I had, in fact, done the very same thing in my marriages: sabotage. Of course, I had.

      But then again, I never really wanted to save my marriages, even though, on the other hand, I never had the intention and plan to sabotage them.

      Nevertheless, I am heartened by those telling stories of God’s grace and generosity in their lives and marriages, and sad for those who are in the midst of such chaos and distress.

      It is, however, in those chaotic and distressing situations where we become wide open to God’s working in our lives.

      I am praying for all.

      1. Reggie,

        There are many things that contribute to our blind spots. Our culture, the messages in the media, radical feminism, our own sinful natures, our expectations… But also, many of us just don’t realize how differently men and women think. So there are some just plain old misunderstandings because of this where we assume evil motives of our spouse when, actually, they just think very differently and we don’t yet understand their perspectives.

        It has been my experience that most women, at least the ones who read here, REALLY want to save their marriages. Most of them just don’t know how.

        Thank you for praying for all who are hurting and for God to continue His good work in each one. 🙂

        In Him,
        April

  20. Hi friends.

    I’ll be signing out for a while. Had some significant developments and I won’t be putting up a victory story anytime. HH

    1. HH,

      So sorry to hear that things maybe aren’t going very well. 🙁 I pray for God’s continued healing for you and for His healing for your wife and children, our brother!

      I respect your decision and pray for God’s wisdom for you and for His continued treasures along this path as you seek Him above all else.

      1. Thank you.

        To CiC, Bel, LMS, Jennifer, anyone else who reads this. God IS with me. Even as this storm gets much worse I know the treasure of being able to retreat into His presence and know His love. He is enough. Never doubt it.

        HH

        1. HH, I’m so sorry. You will be in my prayers – in all of our prayers, I’m sure. Please don’t feel like you have to share details with us to continue to come here to ask for prayer or get encouragement. But, I respect where you are and understand your need right now to not come here.

          Thank you for the reminder to never doubt that God is enough for us. If God is for us, who can be against us? HH, my heart is hurting for you right now. But I am so, so glad that you are feeling His strength, His comfort and His presence in your life. I have no doubt that all of those things will continue and even magnify in the days to come.

          You are loved and will be lifted up to the Father regularly. May God go before you and be Your Shield, Your Defender, Your Healer, Your All in All.

    2. “I won’t be putting up a victory story anytime.”

      Or maybe you will, but it just won’t be the victory you envisioned. God’s funny that way. 🙂

      Praying for you and your family.

    3. Can I please ask for some prayer.

      I’m having to deal with some pretty hard slander lately.

      It hurts. Lots.

      HH

        1. April, I don’t understand what God is doing. Honestly the more I seek Him the worst things are getting. HH

          1. HH,

            I believe that is the enemy doing these things, my brother. He knows he doesn’t want you to abide in Christ and to live fully for Him.

          2. Humble Husband,

            If I may comment on your post… It is the enemy trying its hardest for you to give up on God. Be strong and continue on Gods path, remember that you have the one and only King on your side. Psalm 27. May God give you the strength to endure any an all hardship in your life. 1 Corinthians 10:13. I will pray for you and I know so many of my sisters in Christ will too. God bless you.

          3. I agree with April. The enemy does not want to see you walking in victory. He wants to keep you in the muck of your past. I know the more I dug into seeking God, and healing from my past, the more vicious the enemy attacked me. I saw a sign that helped me…maybe it will help you…it said:

            “If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.”

            I have mentioned before God speaks to me through music. These were the first songs that popped to mind when I read your comments. I pray they will minister to you HH. My prayers are with you.

          4. Quinn.

            If the size of the blessing coming is equal to the magnitude of the battle I am fighting……….HH

          5. Humbled Husband,

            I realize you don’t know me, but if you think it would help to talk, I’d be happy to be an ear for you. Maybe I’ve never been in the same situation as you, but I’ve been through two marriages – one ending in death and the other in divorce. I’ve seen a bunch.

            Anyway, if that’s of interest, I can give you my e-mail address and then I can give you my phone number.

            Whatever you decide, I’m praying as best I know how and thanking God that He understands your situation and “is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Philippians 2:13).

          6. Reggie, thank you sincerely for the offer. I would value your prayer more than anything! HH

      1. Dear HH
        Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him. Isaiah 30:18
        Oh HH I will be praying for you. If God is for us, who can be against us? I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now but the only thing that brings comfort is that you are now walking with the Lord. Not on your own like before. These people don’t know the real you. But God does. He knew you before you were even born. He chose you. You are His. My fervent prayer will be for you to continue your walk confidently with Him. For your faith to increase even through this trial. For God to act swiftly and bring you relief. And for the patience to wait on Him. My thoughts are with you every day. Bel.

  21. For those facing intense spiritual warfare:

    Lord,
    I lift up my brothers and sisters who are facing great spiritual warfare in their homes and marriages today. I praise and thank You that you are much greater than Satan is. This world is his kingdom temporarily, but Jesus has already defeated him and he will be punished for all of eternity! I know his goal is to grieve Your heart, Lord, to try to turn people from faith in Christ and to steal, kill, and destroy what You have created to be good. We resist Satan and His plans together. We submit ourselves fully to You as Lord! We are not strong enough to withstand Satan’s fiery darts – but You have provided armor for us that we can stand our ground in the power of Your Spirit against him. You have given us faith, truth, righteousness, the readiness of the gospel, and salvation as our armor. You have given us the sword of Your Word.

    We pray together against Satan’s schemes to destroy the marriages here and to extinguish the faith of those who trust You. Empower each of us to walk in Your Spirit and to walk in Jesus’ victory over Satan and His plans. Use what he intends for evil in our lives for Your glory and our ultimate good as You have promised so generously to those who love You and are called according to Your purpose in Romans 8:28-29. Empower Your people to live holy lives for Your glory. Empower us to see with Your eyes. Help us to see that those people who come against us are not the real enemy. Empower us to love them with Your love and to know how to respond to them in ways that honor You.

    We fully yield ourselves to Your Lordship and Your leadership. We desire all of Your will and nothing but Your will. We put no hindrance in our lives to Your Spirit working powerfully in us and in our circumstances. We trust You! We love You! We praise You that You are with us and will never leave us or forsake us. We thank You that You are working behind the scenes to accomplish Your good purposes even when we can’t see it. We worship You as the sovereign Lord of all of the universe and as the King of our hearts! We bow before You in reverent awe and holy fear.

    We give You ALL that we are and all that we have in gratitude for all You have given to us. We will not be afraid of the things that other people are afraid of because You have commanded us not to fear what they fear but to trust You. Increase our faith. Prune us. Refine us. Purify us. Make us stronger and equip us for Your kingdom’s work. Purify our hearts and motives. Renew our minds. Transform us by Your power to make us more and more like Jesus. We receive ALL that Jesus has provided for us and His finished work on the cross. We receive all of the promises and spiritual riches You have for us. Help us to know and love You more and to access all that You have already given to us. Let us respond with Your wisdom and power to those who mistreat, persecute, and attack us. We pray for those who attack our brothers and sisters here – even in their own families – that You might soften the hearts of the persecutors and that You might reach them for Christ. Open blinded eyes. Raise the spiritually dead to new life in Jesus! We praise and thank You for all that You are about to do in our midst!

    In the Name and power of Christ,
    Amen!

    Verses about spiritual warfare

    Tony Evans – Victory in Spiritual Warfare

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TsNK9zwdTQ?rel=0&w=560&h=315%5D

    1. Lord, I lift up my voice with April and all those praying for your kingdom. You can have all of me for You gave me all of You. You alone know the plans you have for us as individuals and as a church body and we surrender ourselves for your plans.

      You know the trials facing us individually and you know just how to use those trials to bring out what is needed. As I lie here in the dust accepting the persecution that is being given to me I await your purpose and plan to be revealed, trusting that it is good. Please enable me to face these persecutions with faith, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith, who for the joy set before Him ENDURED THE CROSS and is set down at the right hand of your throne. He intercedes for us right now and we intercede for those in our families who do not know you. Let their eyes be opened and their hearts made new.

      In Jesus Name,
      Amen

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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