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“I Need to Change! I Can’t Go on Like This!”


This wife read a post for the first time on my blog – and has graciously allowed me to share her comment. I think a lot of us may be able to relate to this sister in Christ:

This post – “A Fellow Wife Begins a New Challenge – I’m Actually Going to Believe My Husband” – was very helpful for me as I was searching the web trying to fix my controlling behavior, and understand the negative behavior I practice daily with my husband and as a result, I believe with God, too.

I am not sure why, but I am very controlling, very questioning, slow to trust, doubtful that what my husband is telling me is true, and very snoopy.

I have recently reached out for help because I believe this behavior needs to stop ASAP but i am not sure where it comes from. My husband is generally a very trustworthy man.

I constantly:
– ask him who’s calling/why he doesn’t answer/why they are calling.
– ask him where he was if he was late.
– ask him why he does everything he does.
– check his Facebook and search history.
– act like a private investigator to his life, checking every search, every phone call, checking bank account every hour to see where he spends and then call and ask why he spent that.
– try to keep him from doing anything harmful, no matter what the cost – fighting, yelling, and screaming.
– FEAR him dying from lung cancer, or having wrinkles or bad teeth from smoking.
– give him a disgusting dirty look if he says a bad word.
– pout when he doesn’t spend time with me.
– drive by his friend’s house to see if he is where he said he would be.
– FEAR he finds another woman more attractive than me.
– ask him why he looked at every person he looked at.
– accuse him of staring at a girl too long.
– get very upset and not speak to him the whole night if I believe he looked at another woman.
– question him about everything!!

You get the point. It is a painful way to live. I do not want to live this way. I say I trust the Lord, but do I? Do I even trust him with my own husband who is a believer and loves the Lord?  My husband is His – so why do I try so hard to make him who I want him to be?

When I was with my last boyfriend, I did the same type of stuff compulsively. And I believe I have carried it into my marriage.

I am worried and want this to stop. I started thinking that since my husband is not jealous, and since he doesn’t try to look at all my stuff and since he clearly doesn’t obsess about what I am doing, or question me about anything – he must not love me as much or the same way I do him, for some reason I am associating jealous and unhealthy behavior to mean love. But then I meditated on these verses…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7

Every single thing in this passage describes my husband. It describes my God. It does not describe me.

I even started to wonder suspiciously why my husband forgives me so easily and so quickly?  Has he done something that if I find out about in the future he will need to make sure he stores up enough forgiveness toward me to make sure I forgive him? He must be doing something terrible or already done something (this is how awful my brain works…) I still can’t say that I fully believe that is a crazy statement and that its not true.

I believe I need to repent, and rely on God and pray He change me, but I feel I have done that before and nothing changes. Is there anything else I can do besides read blogs, books, and pray? I try to change so badly but what am I doing wrong 🙁 ?

I just hope someone can help me. I truly want to change. I really am hurting.

God bless you all.


I believe this wife is in the right place. I think of my online sites as a spiritual “ER” where the hurting, sick, and wounded can come to find healing in the arms of Christ and in the truth of His Word. There are TONS of posts here that I believe God can and will use to bless women – drawing them to Himself. If you are just beginning your journey, the posts at the top of my home page may be a good place to start. You may also search my home page for topics or search by category on the right hand column of my home page. 

I also have a Youtube channel, “April Cassidy,” with dozens of videos about topics related to living for Christ, becoming a godly woman, and becoming a godly wife/girlfriend.

If you need more detailed help or a more organized approach to this journey, my first book is releasing officially on January 27th! is already shipping it: The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.  

I believe that this book is the closest thing to me personally mentoring wives. It might even be better, in some ways! The thing I love about books is that you can read and reread over and over again, take notes, stop and cry, stop and pray, and highlight things.  I personally had to re-read some books over and over – every day for months – earlier in my journey to really learn to let go of my old toxic ways of thinking and to embrace and solidify God’s truth in my heart.

take my readers through the beginning steps of this road and build the framework for God’s design for godly femininity, living for Christ, and becoming a godly wife. My prayer is that God might use me somehow to “put the dots closer” for those who come behind me than they were for me when I began this journey 7 years ago.

If you are getting frustrated, have questions, or need to talk about something – please comment! I’d love to do all I can to point you to Christ and to the healing available in Him for each of us. I try to be as available as I can here on the blog. My goal is to respond to every comment.

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we can do is to spend time in God’s Word, at His feet, inviting His Spirit into our hearts and lives to change us. 

If you want to share what God is doing in your life, please comment, as well. 🙂


How did you feel when God first flipped the light switch for you in your heart like this? What helped you the most when God opened your eyes to how much He desired you to change? You are most welcome to share your story. Every woman’s (and man’s) story displays a unique facet of God’s love, power, mercy, and grace. He may use your story to greatly bless someone else and to build up and bless the Body of Christ.

Much love!

74 thoughts on ““I Need to Change! I Can’t Go on Like This!”

  1. Good morning
    I read this post and I felt like I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have been in this journey for a little over a year, and here lately I find myself doing some of the same things. It does hurt! I pray everyday all day. For change. It has been a rocky road. I pray that I can overcome these issues I have and realize that my husband truly is a godly man. And it’s all in my head. If anybody else feels this way, Or has overcome this. Any advise would be appreciated

    Love and respect

    1. Melissa,

      The things that this wife was describing are things we all are capable of doing when the flesh is in control. We have different sinful bents – so some women would become more of a “doormat” when the flesh is in control and become overly passive. Other women, like me, tend to become more controlling and disrespectful, when we are not filled with the Holy Spirit.

      We learn sinful ways of dealing with things from ungodly examples in our lives, from our culture, and the media. But then we have our own sinful nature to battle, as well.

      The key to overcoming these things is for us to fully submit to Christ as Lord of everything in our lives each moment of each day and for us to abide in Him. If He is filling us and we are yielding to His correction, leading, love, and truth – His Spirit fills us up and we have His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). If we have grieved the Holy Spirit by cherishing sin or we are spiritually starving ourselves and we are not devoting ourselves to fervent prayer, feasting on God’s Word, and allowing Him to work in our lives – we begin to operate in the flesh again. We can always go back to flesh mode any time. But we don’t have to! In Christ, He gives us victory over sin! We can begin to understand that we are, in God’s eyes, crucified with Christ and dead to this world and our sin. Now we are alive in Christ, filled with His holiness, His Spirit, His power, and His glory! Sanctification is about how we learn to live out the things Jesus has already provided for us on the cross and how we learn to live in real every day experience the life He died to give us.

      I have many posts about these things. If there are specific struggles you are having, I am glad to talk with you and will do my best to point you to Christ.

      How to Be Filled with the Holy Spirit
      My Demon

      Much love to you!

    2. Hey I also felt like I was looking at the old me… I have finally found change. But it came at a price! I spent months crying at the bottom of my shower about my own behavior. Theres a saying that change will only happen when the pain of staying the same is too great. The first step was recognizing my bad behavior. The second step was to immediately rectify it – ie if I started to behave badly I had to re-enact what I would have preferred to say or do on the spot!! Bc change takes practice. Third step was to replay these scenarios in my mind, using a different tone, different words, different body language until I Just did it naturally without the bad ways. Fourth step and during all of the above I read books like Aprils’, learning what respect and honor was, learning how to change my thinking patterns. It’s working . Fifth step was to change my diet. Some foods actually disable our brains to function well. Increasing fruits and veggies and a green smoothie a day truly helps!!!

  2. Hi April,
    First and foremost happy new year!! I hope that this year brings you good health and keeps you and your family safe from harm. I realized that after losing my mum to cancer that this is the best that I can hope for a fellow sister in Christ, good health and safety.

    This post is great, it sounds just like me. What I would like to ask you is – what am I doing wrong by doing all these things and why do I do these things? Maybe you might have a different point of view on why we try to control every aspect of our loved ones life. It would help us to change our ways if we can understand why we do it. I pray over it but sometimes I also think God gives answers to our prayers through people’s Godly point of view, like your blog. I have been trying on and off to put into play your tips but I always seem to drop the ball. Now since January 1, 2016
    ( as you can see I had to start on 1 January because of my controlling perfectionist nature hahahaha but it’s ok this time because it’s for a good cause) I have been making sure to pause before I say anything. You have rightly named it the frustrating quiet phase. If any other women are going through something maybe we can help each other as I know you are super busy April with so many comments to reply to and blogs to write and above all taking care of your family so I’m reaching out to any other women out there if they want to chat my email is

    I ordered your book and I can’t wait to get it!! And also it helps to know that you read and retread other books so it became second nature to you. Sometimes I read things but then forget. There is a lot of information and sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

    Thanks x Antonija

    1. Antonija,

      Thank you for the new year wishes! 🙂 I’m so sorry about your mom. That has got to be so hard. 🙁 I wish I could give you a big hug!

      Here is a post I did to help husbands understand some of the reasons behind why women sometimes are controlling – to the best of my understanding at this point.

      You can also search my home page for a few terms that may be helpful:
      – disrespectful
      – control
      – respect
      – perfectionism
      – people pleasing
      – control and boundaries
      – healthy vs. unhealthy relationships

      This journey is a journey of a lifetime. It is the process of sanctification. It takes many years. It is not a 2 week thing or a 3 month thing. It involves totally tearing out all of our ungodly, unbiblical, worldly ways of thinking and our ungodly fixed beliefs and then we rebuild all of that stuff on the Word of God alone and seek Christ above all else, allowing Him to be in charge.

      I love for the ladies here to encourage, bless, pray for, uplift, and share with each other. That is one of my favorite parts about this site – the community that develops here.

      My prayer is that you would dig deeply into the things in this blog and in the book. Go slowly. Some women may want to read the book rather quickly through one time, then go back and re-read over and over and slowly digest things over many weeks or months.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you, my dear sister! 🙂

      1. Hello April. Great post today. God is bringing me out of this in my life as well. It’s been a year since I started the paranoia/controlling/monitoring behavior and I didn’t like what I saw in myself. A particular event ignited this and I became the police of my husband. I got very good at high tech intelligence and how to look at private browsing history. I fell into the black hole that Satan kept me in, getting more information and then getting sucked into more paranoia.

        I prayed and cried and begged God to make some changes in me, and in my husband. He’s not a participating believer, but he does believe. I see now, looking back on last year, that God allowed me to see this “event” to grow in this area I didn’t even know I had a problem with.

        So here is what I learned about me so far:

        1) I made an idol out of my marriage/husband prior to this. I didn’t realize it, but my focus was on what we had together. I put all my hope and trust in my husband, even though I said it was God. So when my husband fell from grace in my eyes, I was devastated. It shook my faith and trust in him. I felt very alone. But God was there and I turned to Him. Even though I am a Christian, I still didn’t feel like I was close enough to God to allow Him to help me. It was awkward at first, but He made it so much better.

        2) I am not as strong and independent as I think I am. Before this, I felt I had the world in my hands. I own a home business and we are financially ok. Our children are grown and successful. But I was unaware that I leaned so hard on this “success” in our lives. God showed me that no matter how I see myself, I still have much room for spiritual improvement. I am just as sinful and conceited as anyone I may have judged. It’s not something I’m proud of, but ironically, pride was (and is) a huge issue that He is still addressing with me. And pride made me feel better than my husband so that I felt I had the right to his privacy.

        3) I am a whole person in Christ. I think this is the biggest and most powerful thing God has instilled in me. Unknowingly, I drew my identity as a wife and mother. I forgot, but He reminded me, of a time prior to getting married and kids, I was fully His and I felt complete in Him. I didn’t need someone else. And I think that’s one thing that attracted my husband to me in the first place. I am learning that I share my life with my husband, but he doesn’t complete me. He has issues, I have issues. But I cannot take responsibility for his sins, or try to correct his behavior. That’s between he and God.

        I hope this helps some. I certainly understand and relate to this post. The trust in God has to grow. Giving over control has to be God’s domain, not mine. And it’s freeing to allow Him to work, and to ask Him to see what He’s doing, even if it’s tiny. (He answers this prayer!)

        1. Laura,

          This is AWESOME! I would love to share this as an anonymous post if you believe God would like for you to. How I praise God with you for His power and miracles in your life!

          1. That’s perfectly fine with me, April. All glory goes to Him. It’s amazing that He uses this broken vessel because I don’t think I hold much water. If you think someone else can be helped by it, then by all means….

  3. Hi April,

    I found your blog some time ago when I was really struggling with this very issue. I am married to a wonderful godly man and I knew my insecurity was not only coming between us, but making him feel disrespected. He finally took me in his arms one day and said, “I need you to trust me and believe me when I tell you that you are the only one for me and I love you….I’m not going anywhere.”

    Part of my struggle was that he didn’t use the words that I WANTED him to use when he complemented me and therefore I thought, “He doesn’t think I’m beautiful”. He tends to be playful and silly with me when he compliments me, so I guess I thought he really wasn’t being sincere. But that’s his way and I am learning how to accept it as truth.

    I think my insecurity stems from a past relationship of betrayal and rejection, but I have to let that go and understand that my husband is not the one who did that to me. What compounds the problem is our society and the constant bombardment of beautiful, “perfect,” and scantily dressed women. And we compare ourselves to them.

    I also wish that more Christian women would take care with what they wear because even at church the way some women dress can be a distraction to not only men, but also to us women who battle insecurity. Men have a hard enough time keeping their eyes in check without us making it more difficult.

    Lastly, I am learning that my husband is a flawed human being, just like me, and I can’t put my faith in him….I must put it in Jesus only. Truly, He is the only One who will NEVER fail me or disappoint me.

    Thank you for your ministry and I can’t wait to read your book!


    1. Nina,

      I am so excited to hear what God is doing in your heart and in your marriage! This is awesome! And what a wonderful thing for your husband to give you that verbal reassurance. Aw!!!

      I’m so glad that you are seeing where your insecurity comes from and that you can ditch the insecurity and live in confidence in your identity in Christ, as well as learning to rest in God’s love and in your husband’s unique kind of love, even if it isn’t exactly they way you want it. 🙂

      Yes, I want to encourage all of our sisters to dress modestly! I have a number of posts about that, and even some Youtube videos.

      I am SUPER excited that you are learning that people aren’t God. God is God. Things are much better when we expect only Jesus to be God to us and when we accept humans for the fallen beings that they are and we are prepared to give grace just like God gives grace to us.

      You are most welcome! What an honor to be part of what God is doing in your life! WOOHOO!

  4. This used to be me, I relate completely. The only difference is that my husband had been unfaithful to me on the Internet before, but even after years of searching and finding nothing, and him being a changed man I still couldn’t stop.
    It’s an awful way to live, constantly wondering and worrying. I am so thankful that this isn’t my life anymore. I wish I could tell this wife how to stop, but honestly the only thing I did was break down, realize that I was destroying my marriage, even if my husband didn’t know about my snooping, I was going behind his back and lying. I repented, fully and deeply, and God did the work. He took this away from me. I got off Facebook, which was a trigger for me, and haven’t regretted it since. My husband also got off Facebook on his own. I no longer had any desire to search his things, the though repulsed me. I saw it for what it really is, lack of faith in God, and making my husband an idol.
    If my husband has an affair, that is on him. I still have the Lord. I can not make my husband do or not do anything. The Lord can and has worked miracles in him, but I had to step out of the way first. I trust that even if something horrible happens with my husband God can use that for his glory, and for mine and my husbands good. I refuse to be the cause of destruction in my marriage, and that is what my behavior was. But I had to realize how vile and destructive it was before I could fully repent, and before God could free me completely. I never could have felt free from the desire, the whispering in my ear, the lie from Satan, if it weren’t for God himself lifting this from me.
    Give it all up to God and He will set you free. Trust Him with your husband. I will be praying for you. That you can come to true repentance, and the Lord will completely lift this from you, as He did me.

    1. Sarah,

      Thank you for sharing your story! WOW!!!!!!! I am so excited about what God has done in you, in your husband, and in your marriage! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!! What a blessing to get to read a bit of what He has done. I know God will use your comment to bless so many other wives. If you are willing, I would love to share some of it anonymously in a post. 🙂

  5. God used April’s website to convict me in a big way. But may I remind everyone that the main book we need to be reading is the Bible constantly praying that God opens our eyes by the power of His Holy Spirit to see Him as He is in all His glory. Humans can be a tool in His hands but all they should do is point us back to our all sufficient God. The best place to be is sitting at the feet of Jesus drinking in His Words.
    I believe April will totally agree with me because I know she has spent untold hours in the Word herself.

    1. Susan,

      I completely agree! And I will make a note in the post about that. YES! Spending time with God, in prayer and in God’s Word is VERY key! 🙂 I need to be sure to mention that, thank you! I shouldn’t assume everyone will realize that is a given and it is the foundation for God changing us. Relationship with Him, our submitting to His Lordship, our feasting on His Word, and seeking Him in prayer are basics of the Christian walk we all need every day. 🙂

  6. God has given me a verse to say out loud every time I am tempted to look through my husband’s computer/cell phone. God said Himself:
    “I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Jer 31:3

    God is the ONLY author of unconditional love, which will never end in betrayal.

    I just have such a hard time trusting men because of my past. My dad left when I was 16, so I know I have abandonment issues, and my first husband was a serial cheater. My current husband is a follower of Christ, but looks at other women all the time. It hurts to the soul when I see this and has caused me to spin out of control with “secret” detective work on his belongings.

    It was only after crying out to God and begging for help to break me from the addiction of snooping, did he give me that verse which revealed to me that my focus was all wrong. My focus should be on God.

    God also revealed deep jealousy in my heart. I began to hate the women my husband looked at. I resented how they captivated his interest, how he couldn’t stop looking at them even when I was standing right next to him. But then God answered a question I had for many many years. That question was: Before the fall, if Satan was an angel of God in God’s presence, what caused him to sin? The answer: jealousy and pride.

    When I realized that I too had this same sin, I became serious about changing my “detective” work.
    I’m not completely healed, but a lot better than I used to be. I’ve repented and continue to ask for forgiveness when I slide backwards. I am a lot more trusting of my husband now because God is first. I give God back the power of my thoughts.

    To all sisters in pain….take comfort, our Father loves us. <3

    1. Letspaintnature,

      How I love this!!! Thank you VERY, VERY much for sharing. I wonder if you might allow me to share this as an anonymous post sometime? What God is doing in your heart is SO beautiful and powerful!!!

      Much love!

      1. Letspaintnature,

        I had a “normal” childhood, but this did not help me to stop my out of control “secret” detective work on my husband belongings. I also resented my husband for looking at women. My jealousy was so mixed with pride that I became almost neurotic. I did not have God to take care of me.

        What God is doing in your heart is so beautiful ! Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help many sisters in pain.

        Our Father loves us ! Yes !!

  7. I am so glad to see this post and all the comments, as well, as this has been a struggle in my life, too. First, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one! The testimonies of how God has helped others overcome are HUGE and such an encouragement! (“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony”)

    I am still very much in process in this area of my life. For me, there are things from my past and from my marriage that have contributed to this, for sure. My dad was addicted to pornography and it tore my parent’s marriage apart (although they never divorced, their marriage was not whole and healthy). Along with that, from the very beginning of our marriage, there have been issues with “little white lies”, ogling other women, etc.

    Jealousy is consuming. It takes over.

    God is healing me, but I know there is a long way to go. A few things He has taught me in this process so far (I notice that a few of us have identical truths to share on this issue)…..

    Trusting in Him. He will never leave or forsake me. He is sovereign and in control and even if….even if the worst thing happened that we all fear….His grace is sufficient for us AND, not only that, but He will work all things together for our good. Thankfully, this truth of His goodness and His sovereignty is something that seems to be planted deep within me and so I hang on to this tightly.

    I have pride issues.

    I have my own sin that is on the same level as my husband’s ogling of other women. For me, it is a battle in my mind of thinking of other Christian men as marriage partners (mostly pondering what it would be like to have emotional intimacy with a Christian husband). So, something that has helped me lately to control my anger when I think he has failed in this area is to remember that I have my own sin and struggles that I am still fighting. And I am a believer! (He is not, so for me to expect that he will see sin and righteousness like I do will doom me to disappointment time and time again).

    I also have come to grips with the fact that many of the thoughts that I allow my mind to dwell on during these times of jealousy are not truth. They are my own made-up “stories” that I am telling myself about what my husband is thinking or doing behind my back and then I choose to believe these are truth and begin to act upon them (by withdrawing, getting more jealous, etc.).

    Another thing that has helped me is that my husband finally seemed to come to an understanding of what his behavior (looking at other women) has done to me. This is actually a rather new development in the process and I don’t really now how it will play out in the future (i.e., does he really change or not?) I would encourage those who are dealing with this issue with their husbands to pray about talking to him and expressing how much it hurts. It may take several different conversations at different points for him to understand.

    As April says, most husbands do not want to hurt their wife. My husband – even though he can’t understand the spiritual side of why looking at other women is wrong, perhaps — did seem to show genuine sadness when he finally understood how much it was hurting me. This requires being vulnerable with your feelings and saying things in a respectful way so he can hear you. It also ultimately requires God opening their eyes to see. He can do that – we can ask for it.

    Ultimately, I know God has used/is using this issue in my life to get me to that place of being fully His – basically, the goal that is the whole point of April’s blog. Taking our eyes off of man and looking fully to Him as the only One who will ever totally satisfy us.

    1. Jennifer,

      Ooh!!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Thank you so much for sharing, my dear sister!

      Would you consider allowing me to share this anonymously as a post on the blog? 🙂

      How I praise God for what He is doing in your life!
      Much love!

      1. Yes, you can definitely share. I am looking forward to hear more women chime in on what God is doing in them in this area, too. It really is so encouraging to hear how God has moved in others’ lives – it gives me hope!

  8. Thank you so much! This post is the very mirror image of me a few months ago before I came across this blog. My marriage has gone through so much hurdles but thanks to God almighty it has survived. Although I am still in the process of fighting the addiction of “being a smart secret detective” in my husband’s life…..which I was pretty good at – I would nail down all my husband’s most secret stuffs! This made him so mad and he would avoid me as much as he would. And he was very passive. One afternoon, while I was barking about some text messages I had “detected” in his phone, he looked me straight in the eyes angryily and said “You should have gone to a detective school and become a police detective instead”. That one sentence spoke volumes to me! That was the time I realised what I was doing to my husband. I slowly stopped checking his phone while he was asleep, stopped checking his emails, stopped checking on him if he didnt come at the expected time from work, called his friends to confirm he was with them, etc. Amazingly, with God’s help I have slowly stopped policing my husband…and this is having a positive impact on my husband too. He has cut down on his drinking and flirting. A few times, he played the guitar and sang songs with our sons. I believe this is a good sign.
    I would like to share two things that God has taught me, which have given me enough courage to stop policing my husband:

    1. God is in control – One time I heard the Holy Spirit whispering to me “No matter what the circumstance, God is in control”. Upon hearing this, I prayed with tears and I said to God, “Lord, I cannot do this anymore. I give You full control over my life, my marriage and my family. From this moment onwards, what ever happens will happen under Your care. So whatever my husband does, its alright….because as long as You are in control I know everything is going to be OK”. This really gave me peace and took off the burden from me.

    2. God’s design for man is different from woman. One of the designs is- man is easily attracted by what they see. When I understand this fact, I smile to myself when my husband stares at a pretty woman who is bounching by. I now try to be more presentable to my husband and have noticed my husband being more protective over me and sometimes checks to see if men are staring at me. Hehe.

    I pray and hope that the good Lord will continue to bless me in my journey with such beautiful posts by experienced sisters in Christ. Thank you.

    1. Betty,

      Oh this is so very good! Would you consider allowing me to share some of this as a post either here on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page?

      Thank you so much for sharing! I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing what God is doing in your heart and in your marriage!

      Much love to you!!!!!!!! Praying for God’s continued healing spiritually for you, your husband, and your boys.

      1. April,

        You are most welcome.

        Thank you so much for praying for me and my family. Very much appreciated.

        Praise be to God!


  9. I relate to this completely. I have come a long way in the last four years that I have been in counseling, recovery groups, and reading your blog, Love Is A Choice, and Love and Respect. It is possible to stop these behaviors with God’s help.

    For me though, it has taken longer, because my husband of now going-on five years, began our relationship with lies, cheating, and a plethora of other baggage. We were in a pattern of: he would lie, or cheat, I would feel that something was wrong, I would snoop, he would get caught, I would become angry, we would go to counseling, I would forgive, and he would do it all over again.

    It was this way for 3 1/2 years, and my anger snowballed into rage.

    The embarrassing part is that my rage got the best of me one night almost 2 years ago. I found out that my husband, who is a believer and has a music ministry, was having an emotional relationship with a woman at work. He and I had a confrontation one night when he confessed what he had been doing after I questioned him and kept digging for answers. My reaction put me in jail overnight and I was charged with a felony.

    I surrendered all to Jesus that night and began to battle all of these issues with prayer. At the end of the one-year court process, my case was retired and expunged. My husband and I continued with counseling and recovery, and I completed an anger management course. Even though my family (non-believers) kept pushing me to divorce, my Christian counselor taught me to forgive, with the help of Jesus and Scripture, and my husband has learned his role as a man in a relationship — something never modeled for him in his past. He had been abused and neglected, and just as my behaviors evolved from my family of origin, his behaviors had also evolved from his family of origin.

    With God, I am now working on codependency issues, and in finding validation in Christ alone. Thank you so much for all of the help you have provided through this blog. May God continue to use it to help us heal and grow in Christ Jesus. To Him be the Glory.

    1. Heidi,

      Goodness, I can certainly understand that with all that has been going on, your journey has involved more struggle and has taken a long time. These are some really serious issues. How I praise God that you have both been receiving Christian counseling and that you are both finding healing and restoration in Christ!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

      I pray for God’s continued work in both of your lives and in your marriage – that He might use your story for His glory and to edify and encourage the Body of Christ!

      Much love to you! THANK YOU for sharing what God has done and is doing!!! How I PRAISE GOD with you!

  10. I, too, can relate to this post in so many ways. I have struggled with a lack of faith in my husband (who is a faithful man) and have struggled with snooping out of irrational fear, jealousy, insecurity, and idolatry of my marriage and husband. Jesus is pulling me out of this.

    I realize Satan delights in getting my negative emotions rolling by planting “stories” in my mind… lies and exaggerations. When a “story” begins, I cast down that imagination in the name of Jesus and speak directly to my mind and heart, saying, “Mind, you are Christ’s. Heart, you are Christ’s. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous. It does not put on airs. It is not snobbish. Love is never rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries…”

    God-cidentally, I saw this book at my public library, and I cannot put it down. It is more for business communication, but oh, the truth in it for our communication with our husbands and anyone else! It is called “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. The book really goes through everything that happens when our emotions crank up and our key brain functions shut down… how we and others act when we don’t feel safe (silence or violence)… how to master our own stories in our heads so we are not hostage to our emotions… how to speak up, being totally frank and completely respectful.

    I have needed this book my whole life… much like I’ve needed April’s blog my whole marriage (I’ve ordered your book, April! Can’t wait to get it!). Anyway, if you think it might help you, I would encourage you to check it out.

    1. Renee,

      Ooh! I love what you do when you begin to be tempted to chase a lie – the way God has shown you to take your thoughts captive for Him.

      “Mind, you are Christ’s! Heart, you are Christ’s!”

      SO powerful! And then quoting Scripture and setting your eyes back on God. SO important in order to have victory over sinful thoughts!

      That sounds like a very interesting book. Thank you so much for sharing about it. 🙂

      Thanks for ordering my book. I can’t believe I have a book, still. Doesn’t seem possible! But my prayer is that God might use it to greatly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory! I long for His Spirit to speak to you on every page through every word.

      Much love to you! Thanks for sharing!

  11. I’ve been married 26 years, but it feels more like roommates then marriage. We have never had emotional intimacy, and I feel used when we have sex, which leaves me in tears. When I express my needs to my husband he tells me that is not who he is and I can’t expect it from him. He refuses any acts of romance even though I’ve told him it is a need of mine.

    Pornography has been a destructive force our entire marriage, but no more so than when he would tell me I shouldn’t be upset by it, that it’s normal and nothing wrong with it. When we were newly married he even encouraged me to send photos to Play Boy to see if I could model for them! That was like a knife in my heart!

    About 10 years ago he did begin to confess that porn is wrong, but he still struggles with it. He blames me because we only have sex 1 time a week. To be honest, that is a chore for me because I feel so used and unsafe. He has never deliberately hurt me, though. And I feel like I’m having sex with my brother’s friend, or something. I just can’t relax and enjoy his touch. It doesn’t help that I’m going through menopause, but the sexual department has always been difficult for me. There has been a lot of neglect on his part.

    He would rather be on his computer than do things with me and/or the kids. When I finally decided that it was never going to be any different, I sort of shut down emotionally. I stopped asking to go the movies, go on picnics, etc. Then, he started wanting to go out. But it was too late and I didn’t care anymore.

    My husband is a good man in so many ways, but it is like he has no clue how to be married. I read your blog about expectations and I am a bit confused. Are expectations wrong? Should I not expect my husband to defend me when his mother says hurtful things? Is it wrong to want my husband to be even slightly romantic on occasion?

    To be honest, he has improved from when we were first married. Only by God’s grace are we still married. But I feel almost dead inside toward him. I do want him to be happy and well; I feel no romantic love towards him at all. It’ hard to feel tender towards him when he tells me he is no longer attracted to me – right when we are lying in bed about to have sex!

    Thanks for listening. Sometimes I need to vent. I have no one else to talk to. My family is the gossiping type and my closest friend has marriage troubles of her own. So I keep things to myself.

    1. Teresa,

      I’m so glad to meet you! But how my heart breaks for your pain. 🙁 I wish I could give you a big hug!

      If it is okay, may I ask a few questions to be sure I better understand the dynamics that are involved in your marriage, please? 🙂 I want to be sure I have a clear picture of what is going on before I attempt to point you to Christ and to the healing that is found in Him. 🙂

      1. What was your relationship with him like when you were dating? Did you believe you had emotional intimacy then?
      2. What is your definition of emotional intimacy?
      3. How long has he been addicted to pornography?
      4. What is your relationship with Christ and his relationship with Christ?
      5. What was your parents’ marriage like?
      6. What was his parents’ marriage like?
      7. Did you experience sexual abuse in the past?
      8. What is his personality? Is he introverted or extroverted? Does he need time to himself to recharge?
      9. Have you ever had a godly counselor to talk to about these difficult issues?
      10. Do you know why he says he is no longer attracted to you? Goodness, that seems very self-sabotaging to say that to one’s wife right before sex.
      11. Would you say you might have some bitterness in your heart toward your husband?
      12. Is your husband still using porn? If so, how often, do you think?

      The expectation thing – that is a great question. 🙂
      Some expectations, I think we need to have – like, I think we should expect our spouse to be faithful and trustworthy. But other expectations, like specific types of ways of showing love and specific expectations for how we want our husbands to act… sometimes those have to go. If I have a lot of expectations, especially unrealistic ones, they can create much resentment in my heart when my husband doesn’t fulfill all of them. I had tons of unwritten expectations before marriage that were not based in reality – but on Hollywood, or on me expecting my husband to act/think/feel/process just like me. I didn’t understand how men think, how they deal with emotion, how they show love. I didn’t understand my own particular husband specifically. I ignored these huge ways he showed love to me (like remodeling a house to make me happy) and demanded that he should show love the way I wanted him to that were things that felt very awkward and foreign to him (like words of affirmation, love letters, and my feminine ideas of romance). When I laid down my expectations – and began to focus on the things that were good in him and the things he was doing for me and begin to receive love the way he showed it – that was the beginning of a lot of healing for us both.

      It’s not wrong to desire romance or to desire your husband to defend you from his mom. You can ask for these things respectfully. But if he doesn’t do what you want – the question is, how will you respond? Do you believe you are justified to hate or resent him? Do you believe you have the right to try to change him or force him to do what you want him to do and that he has an obligation to submit to your will?

      If your husband doesn’t defend himself to his mom, it is highly unlikely he will defend you. But as you learn to treat your husband with honor and genuine respect (not for sin, but for the good things in him) – he may eventually decide to defend you to his mom himself. (I assume you saw the post I have about this? If not, I can give you a link if you are interested.)

      I think it can be helpful to list things and ask God to help you really search your deepest motives and your deepest heart. I would encourage you to write down (you may do this privately, or you may share here with me and I will be glad to help you hash through it):

      – your fears
      – what you believe you need to be happy
      – your expectations of your husband, of God, of marriage, and of yourself
      – any sources of bitterness or resentment

      Much love to you! I’m so glad you are here. I believe there is great healing in store for you spiritually in Christ here.

      1. April,

        Thank you so much for your response.

        Do you have a private email I can respond to? I want to be as honest as I can with my answers to your questions and I really don’t feel comfortable answering on a public domain.


          1. April,
            Thanks for your willingness to private message with me. I will need to set up a FB account first, though. When I have done that I will reply to your questions.

            Thanks again,

  12. God is faithful even when we fall short. This morning as I was responding to needs for prayer on my FBK the Lord impressed upon me to share this….. God is more than able – are you more than willing to submit?

    I had been reading in the book of Ezra and God began speaking to me with comparisons of life then and life now. As I read this I indeed saw this same situation in my own child’s marriage and my early marriage. I do see God’s hand in my life, a miracle of 42 years that has grown in its maturity and trust – but love that binds hearts into one. Maybe you have asked – “But what if he won’t change?” Its not about “him” changing but about you changing and trusting God to take care of the rest. Where you do not see change, God will give you the strength and eventually he will bring you rest and peace in the storms that you had not recognized as being such before – the rest and peace will be within you because the Lord has become your focus and your strength. The Holy Spirit will guide you and indeed, this is a journey – a life long full of bumps along the way.

    In Ezra the priests were given the precious cargo of gold, silver, jewels to care for along the journey from Babylon to Jerusalem. They would go through very dangerous territory full of thieves and bandits – they were responsible for caring and safe delivery of this precious cargo that was to be offered unto the Lord in worship and thanksgiving. We as God’s creation – his masterpiece – are entrusted with treasure of your spirits and souls. It is a treacherous journey along the way and we are responsible through our choices of the path we take – but God does not leave us destitute. Ezra could have asked for an army of protection of men – but he did not. He asked for the protection of his Almighty God and God was faithful in the journey and the treasure was delivered safely.

    I know this was lengthy, but thankful that God shares his wisdom nuggets always for “such a time as this”. Keep fighting and standing and trusting, God will not fail you. Trust in his Word and his ways, even when your flesh rebels, forgive yourself when you slip up, Romans 8 reminds us there is no more condemnation for the believer, but we can never use this grace gift as a crutch – we learn, mature and determine to do better. Blessings in your journey – you began when you sought God for your answers – he will give you laborers in the path to encourage you along the way, just like April and her Blog 🙂

  13. Just about everything this reading says I do. I’m a detective. I’m wrong and I’m at my Father’s feet but I guess I don’t trust either of them with me.smh. My excuse is my Husband has hurt me before, more than once.

    1. Evangela,

      It is tough for a wife if her husband has been particularly untrustworthy in the past. 🙁 I don’t want wives to trust if trust has not been rebuilt. Has your husband repented of his sin? How long ago was the last time? Do you believe he is trustworthy now?

      You don’t trust God right now either? Would you like to talk about your relationship with Christ and where you are spiritually. I would love to point you to the healing that is available to you in Jesus.

      Much love! Thanks for the comment!

  14. I relate so much to this post.

    We have been married almost 11 years. He moved out of the house 1/1/16 and renting a room from a male friend in his house. This is not the first separation, there were two others for various reasons but we always came back together after 2 and 5 months. I struggle with jealousy and trust issues and not because it comes out of thin air. He had sex outside of our marriage on one occasion in 2012. He got very depressed and asked me to find a counselor for him. I didn’t know what was wrong until he was in counseling for a few weeks. Then he told me what happened and felt awful and said he’s the only one I love.

    On Christmas night I was searching his car with his knowledge for a gift card I lost that we thought could only be in his car. Upon my search there was a Christmas card from another woman, in Spanish, which I could read some of and came in the house and he asked if I found the gift card, I said no but found this. Could you tell me who this is and why you have this. He said it was two years old and means nothing. Someone was pursuing him and he said I did the right thing in my marriage I pushed her away and chose you, I always choose you. I know what I did a few years ago and that has never happened again. Evidently this is someone that works or worked where he does. I said I wish you would have told me when this was happening.

    He got mad at me because I was having a hard time believing someone would write this letter inside the card if nothing was there to begin with. The next day I had a friend decipher the letter and she believes he was telling the truth because it was basically a have a nice life letter. Saying she was sorry he had contempt for her. So I apologized that I over reacted and did not believe him at the time. A week went by with him sleeping in the sofa and I asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened. He said he could not continue to live this way. I said what are you saying you don’t want to live here, he said no he thinks it’s better for both if he goes. He said I was always jealous. I said I guess you need to find a place to live then, which he did within a week.

    I’m at a point now where I regret those words and miss him so much. He said he wanted things to work out but right now not sure if they will. He’s not willing to go into counseling, done that before. His job hours are such he can’t attend church but he prays. He comes by about every day after work then goes to where he’s staying. He now gets a day off and has asked me to the movies and dinner. He spends most of his day off with me.

    I feel like I’m in a dark hole I can’t crawl out of. Am I expecting too much too soon. I am starting counseling and I attend church and bible study. I don’t want this marriage to end I would like to be reunited but it’s out of my hands or so I feel it is. I need to get my trust back and know that he chooses me. Please help. Sorry for the long post.

    1. Overwhelmed,

      It would be really tough if there was a history of infidelity in the past. It is difficult to rebuild trust and it is important for there to be honesty and transparency after trust has been broken. There is this delicate balance between the unfaithful spouse needing to be honest, transparent, and willing to rebuild and prove trustworthiness – and the offended spouse being able to give grace and forgiveness. There are times when the unfaithful spouse is not trustworthy. There are times when the offended spouse is too much of a “detective” and too controlling and suspicious. I don’t know your husband or what he has been doing – so I have no way to know if he is trustworthy or not.

      Do you believe he is telling you the truth? Do you believe he hasn’t been involved with anyone else?

      What does he need to feel like you are beginning to trust him if you believe he is now trustworthy?

      What do you need to feel like he is being honest and transparent?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister?

      This is going to be a slow process. Plan on it taking some time and for the separation to be for awhile. I’m glad he is coming home every day. That is great.

      If you believe he is trustworthy, then perhaps you can begin to work on allowing God to change you to be the wife and woman He calls you to be. I have many posts on that.

      If you don’t believe he is trustworthy, then that is a totally different situation. You can still work on you and your walk with Christ, but you will need to see a lot more on his side of things if he is not being honest.

      I’m very encouraged by how much time he is spending with you.

      If you get a chance, please read the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page and see if anything speaks to you.

      Much love!

      1. Thank you April. Yes I do believe he is telling me the truth. I also believe he has been faithful outside of the one encounter in 2012. Even though I believe that, my brain jumps to other thoughts at times and for no reason. My walk with Christ is getting stronger, the Psalms are helping me a lot. My minister is also very helpful, we talk a lot. Honestly though I am a work in progress with being patient and knowing God has a plan, even though in my heart I know he does. I do need to let God work in me and I have read many of your disrespect and respect posts but will read them again. I love your site and you help so many, including me. Much love to you as well.

        1. Overwhelmed,

          I’m really glad that you do believe he is being faithful. I pray he might have more patience with you as you heal. I pray for you to grow in your trust and faith in Christ and to grow and heal from your scars. I pray for individual spiritual healing for you both and for your marriage.

          I’m glad to walk beside you on this road. I pray that you might be able to absorb and receive all that God has for you in this painful time – I believe it can be a time of incredible learning and growth.

          Much love to you!

          1. I wanted to just say that I am praying for you, Overwhelmed, and can understand a tiny bit of what you’re going through. I believe, like April, that this can be a time of incredible learning and growth. Even though this time seems so painful, I believe you will look back soon and realize that this was the turning point — the point where God began to do a deep healing work in your life to heal your hurt and to set you free from the enemy’s lies.

            You don’t have to have it all figured out right now….just trust God that He is in control and is FOR you. He is.

  15. “THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we can do is to spend time in God’s Word, at His feet, inviting His Spirit into our hearts and lives to change us.”

    YES, YES, YES! This is by far the best piece of advice we can give! The wife who wrote this to you said she’s reading “blogs and books” but she didn’t mention the living Word of the living God! The Bible is so powerful to change our hearts, our minds, our situations, our reactions, and our demonic afflictions!

  16. Hello April!
    It takes a strong woman-spiritually, mentally and psychologically-not to be jealous. Jealousy is sinful and I think the Devil knows we are weak in our human nature and uses jealousy to ruin our relationships. Another reason I think jealousy is a sin is that if you’re jealous, it shows a lack of faith in God. Besides, can you really control what your husband does? Does snooping and reading his private stuff change anything? I don’t think so.
    Do you write articles for single women as well? Regarding balancing God, families and careers? And I would like to know if apart from taking birth control pills, there are better family planning methods. Also, this situation with my friend has made me realize that I am conflicted about where I stand on abortion. Granted, I could never see myself having an abortion. I wouldn’t advise a christian woman to do so either. On the other hand, isn’t it better to protect a child from a lifetime of misery? For example, when women who are unfit to become mothers have children, these children are subjected to abuse, drugs (the cocaine/heroine babies) or because they are considered a liability, are never given the love and care they deserve. Or in other cases, these children go from foster home to foster home and end up on the streets. Would it have been better to spare the child all this? And also, parents who keep their children even when doctors advise them to have an abortion for the sake of the child’s health and the children end up with serious disabilities/health issues. I would like to hear your thoughts on these issues

    1. Mia,

      There is such a thing as righteous jealousy and anger. God is jealous over us when we worship other things/people besides Him. We are right to be jealous and to feel wronged if our husband is doing inappropriate things or even sinning with other women against us.

      However, righteous jealousy and anger can quickly turn into unrighteous jealousy and anger and we can end up creating more destruction than healing when we approach our husbands in sinful ways in retaliation for their sin against us or because of fear that they could one day sin against us. I hope that makes sense. And sinful jealousy won’t draw a husband back to his wife.

      Wives do need to know the truth about what is going on. But sometimes God has ways of bringing things to light. I don’t know that I would say a wife should never check behind her husband. But if it is a compulsive habit that continues on and on and a wife can’t stop doing it, even when there is no reason anymore – that is a problem.

      I have a blog for single women 🙂 Single women are also welcome here.

      You may search my home page for “birth control” and Sunday I had a post about abortion.

      Life is precious and sacred because God created it. It is only His right to end it – with the exception of that the government has the right to use capitol punishment on certain criminals. They have that authority given by God (Romans 13).

      Instead of us thinking that those who are unwanted should be destroyed – let’s pray and cooperate together to love and care and nurture the unwanted children. That is part of the function of the Body of Christ – to love the orphans, widows, the imprisoned, the sick, and the oppressed. God’s answer is for us to love and care for them, not for them to be killed. And, part of this also is making more disciples of Christ so that there are loving, stable marriages for children in which to be born and to be adopted. So that there won’t be so many drug addicts and unwanted pregnancies – but that more and more people might live for Christ as Lord! Those with disabilities are still loved by God. God determines the length of our days. It is not for us to choose. The post about abortion talks more about this.

      Much love to you! Thanks for the great questions!

  17. When I first saw my sin of idolatry, disrespect, jealousy, and control, and I repented and drew closer to the Lord, the second I saw any positive reaction from those around me, a guy especially, I let my guard down a bit and focused on the positive and what I was experiencing instead of diligently keeping a constant focus to draw near to God, daily.

    It’s like I started living and seeking more change, more than I was seeking God, Himself. When that happens, its like relationships fall apart again and I find myself in the same cycle, trying to fix things and retain good relationships on my own, instead of letting them be a by-product of a growing relationship with Christ. This is where I am at again. I really started to idolize the positive changes I was seeing, and I have grown cold in my walk with Jesus personally, and my passion for Him dwindled. I come to Him because I want my life to change, instead of just coming to Him because I want to enjoy His presence.

    It’s like, God revealed so many things to me through this site, and it has been a treasure chest! But, it is so easy to allow my heart to make an idol of relationships, which are not bad in themselves. It’s just that I start to look to them to make me happy and fulfill me, especially when I KNOW that they can be good and healthy and God-glorifying. When they don’t, or i am disappointed, I begin to be filled with these hateful, resentful emotions. All of a sudden it’s, “Fine, I don’t care if this relationship even changes, forget it!” or “Forget marriage, there is nothing that satisfies in it anyway!”

    Today, I have just been crying and crying, because this journey is a hard one, and I want to remain content and in love with Jesus above all. Most times, I don’t even realize that my motives for doing/saying things are wrong and revolve around an idol in my heart! I think it has just been a long while since I have truly regarded Him as Lord in my heart.

    1. Angela,

      You explained this so well! I wonder if you might allow me to share this anonymously on my FB pages and maybe on I think we all struggle with this same thing.

      How I praise God that He has empowered you to see what is happening. That is the first step!

      I’m so sorry for your pain – but how I praise God for what He is birthing in you. It is already beginning to be so beautiful – the new faith and the new vision and ability to see and desire Him above other things and to begin to see hidden motives that you couldn’t see before. That is AWESOME!

      Sending you the biggest hug! I know with the attitude you have right now and the humility that God is about to do something so amazing in your soul!

      1. Thank you, April! I am glad to be able to comment here and unload these things from my heart. You have no idea how this blog serves others. It’s the one place, aside from at Jesus’s feet, that I know these heart issues of mine are understood, and experienced by other sisters. It really is an outlet for me. I serve in the mission field, and so I am not in a place to discuss these things to just anyone around me here. I always have to be careful with what I share, especially being in the ministry (and even more so because it involves the very people I am directly surrounded by-literally living with!) . So, this place has been almost like a refuge for me. 🙂 Yes, please share this!!

        1. Thank you so much, Angela! This is the kind of support I needed for a long time early on in my journey – but I had no mentors in my life. I’m so thankful that God allows us to have this place where we can share, love each other, build each other up, pray for each other, and encourage each other. 🙂 I plan to be here as long as God will allow me to be here.

          Much love to you, my precious sister!

  18. This is me! I have been struggling so much with bitterness and resentment! Thank you for sharing this post! Please pray for me, I so definitely need to turn things around but cannot without God’s help.

    1. Michele,

      Thank you for reaching out!

      I invite you to search my home page for things like:

      – bitterness
      – fear
      – forgiveness
      – filled with the Holy Spirit

      Perhaps these posts may be a blessing.

      Praying for God to speak to your heart and for you to follow Him wholeheartedly wherever He leads. I pray for His healing for you individually and for your husband individually and for your marriage. I pray for His greatest glory in your lives!

Comments will be closed for Lent from 2-14-18 through 3-28-18.

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