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Twenty-three Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

 

Many of you may remember me saying – it took 3.5 YEARS into my journey before Greg began to feel safe with me again – once God opened my eyes to my disrespect and control. Just a few weeks ago, he told me that he feels even safer with me – 6.5 years into my journey. At first, a lot of husbands are very skeptical about the changes they see in their wives. They may stay that way for months, or even years, before believing that the changes in their wives are real. Many husbands are worried at first that the changes are a phase or their wife’s attempt at manipulating them. (For more about how husbands often respond when they don’t know what is going on at first, please check out this post.)

Sometimes, it can be confusing to a wife when her husband begins to slowly trust her again – because it can seem like things are getting worse – from a wife’s perspective. Here are some things may indicate your husband is beginning to feel safer with you – that he feels like he has a voice in the marriage again, that he feels respected, that he feels you can handle hearing his true feelings/thoughts, and that he is feeling more free to be honest and be himself again (these things will happen gradually over time, usually – and they won’t all happen in every situation):

  • He tells you things that might be difficult for you to hear (constructive criticism, or just ideas of his that differ from yours)
  • He shares more about his heart, struggles, concerns, ideas, and dreams
  • He is more affectionate – maybe even begins to touch you again if he had stopped touching you
  • He may begin to flirt and become more interested in sex with you again, his libido begins to pick up
  • He looks you in the eye more
  • He is more willing to risk disagreeing with you
  • He smiles more
  • He jokes more often and teases you in a friendly way again
  • He wants to do more things together
  • He looks more relaxed around you and seems to be having more fun
  • He gives you more compliments (less verbal men may still not do this, just because of their personalities)
  • He seems more interested in doing things you would like
  • He feels like it is worth it to try to do things that will make you happy because he believes it is actually possible to please you again
  • He is more interested in your feelings, concerns, insights, and ideas
  • He doesn’t raise his voice as much
  • Arguments seem to happen less often and the recovery time seems to be much faster
  • He may be more willing to talk about having children if he wasn’t before
  • He talks about the future together
  • He acts a lot more like the guy you fell in love with years ago
  • He begins to open up spiritually – maybe even praying with you (although some men still won’t, this depends on the man, where he is spiritually, and his personality)
  • He trusts you with deeper parts of himself
  • He tries to serve you more and do more things to show his love for you
  • He is more willing to try to lead you and your family and take risks because he is not afraid of you reacting negatively

If your husband is feeling more at ease around you and more trusting of you – what are some of the changes you noticed on this journey?

Men, you are welcome to comment, as well, to help the ladies better understand the things they might see in their marriages as they learn to honor and respect their husbands and to be peaceful, godly wives.

RELATED:

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected and Unloved

What Is Respect in Marriage?

My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Himย – VIDEO

Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them

65 thoughts on “Twenty-three Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

  1. THIS is what I have been asking for advice for for weeks.

    Thank you so much, April. I may have only seen 1 or 2 items so far on this list from my husband, but that’s ok. I even feel that I’m not ready for him to come back yet to me because I have so much to learn and I want to be good and ready to love and respect him properly when he does decide to bring the tide back in. This separation time has become a blessing, even though it was the thing that hurt the most for so long. It gives me time to refine my motives and work out my feelings.

    I can then separate my “laundry” into appropriate piles. What to wash myself, what to let God wash, what to bring to my husband. Not much goes into that last pile anymore. I feel so much stronger and mature about things. I think I had stopped emotionally maturing at 12 years old when my parents got divorced. Although I have delved deep into my past to find out why I was the way I was, I know it is my responsibility to learn a new path in God.

    This is the only “overhaul” of my attitude that feels right. In the past, my mom gave me a book on how to get my bi#$check back. What damage THAT caused! It basically validated my selfish behavior. From your post I realized how we really need to be careful what we feed our minds. We are vulnerable right now and probably a bit desperate.

    I’m working on ridding that desperation so that my husband or anyone else dies not need to be burdened by that. These signs help a lot. Thank you so much for this post! I hope some of the others can add some more to it.

    1. LMSdaily115,

      YES! It is often a blessing from God that a husband doesn’t immediately return. I know that it was a huge blessing to me that Greg stayed shut down for a long time into my journey. That sounds so weird. But if he changed right away – I can tell you this – I would NOT have learned to depend totally on God, I would have immediately fallen back into idolizing Greg. I would not have sought God so diligently and with so much perseverance and spent so much time alone with God. I NEEDED that time!!!!!! God used that time to greatly refine my faith and my motives and to bring me to a much higher level of maturity than I could have reached if things went the way I wanted them to. I am thankful for God’s wisdom!!!

      How I praise God for what He is doing in your life, my precious sister! It is so beautiful and brings so much honor to Him!

      Yes. We ALWAYS must be careful what we feed our minds. If something is causing temptation or bringing sinful thoughts or motives into our hearts – it has to go!

      If you are filled up with God – you don’t have to be desperate for anything else. My only desire is to be desperate for Christ. ๐Ÿ™‚ Then I am filled to overflowing and God pours out His Spirit and blessings from me to others. I don’t have to have anything from anyone else to be content.

      I’m so glad this post was a blessing.

      Much love to you!!!!

    2. Wow, this is really good. I feel like I stopped maturing at 12 when my parents divorced also. I never learned to respect my husband of almost 20 years. He has shut down, backslidden, and is/has participating in all kinds of sins right now.

      After reading this blog, I started to change. I’ve been faithfully putting into practice respect and acceptance for 4 months. My husband honestly doesn’t know what to think. He said to someone yesterday that he wasn’t sure he could see us together forever anymore because he’s afraid I will change back into my former self (years ago I told him I didn’t want to be married to a man who was not as spiritually mature as me). The other person told him to take it one day at a time with me, that they know me and that they trust that this isn’t a phase..that I was ignorant and now I am educated about how to be a respectful wife.

      My husband shut down after his dad died a year ago. In May he completely cut me off from all affection, intimacy, conversations outside of our children, etc. He stopped spending time with our kids, starting coming home after 2 am instead of his usual 6:30 pm, quit church, and took to participating in destructive sins.

      I immediately fell to my knees and started praying like never before. A friend sent me the link to this blog and I started reading books on how to work on myself and not look at his issues. Here we are 4 months later and my husband has been arrested (the charges were dropped), he is even deeper in sin, has had his attention swayed by another, yet I stand firm in my belief that if I keep my eyes on God and NOT on his sins, God will take care of everything. What an interesting place to be I must say.

      Maybe 6 weeks ago he shared with me what he is participating in and has been for 3 years and some old habits he has picked back up (he is a recovering alcoholic but has since started it up again after 16 years of sobriety). When I had read about being a safe place for my husband to come to and confess his struggles, I determined NOT to judge him. He says at least weekly that he cannot believe I accept him as he is (he was in the ministry for years, btw) and that I am not judging him. He says he is fearful that I am trying to manipulate him in some way to turn back to Christ BUT, I’m not. I’ve purposed in my heart that I will love and respect him no matter what. I can only do this through the Holy Spirit. I am a mouthy person normally BUT God has tempered that so much that at times my husband says I’m not the same person he married.

      I have to pursue my husband because his shame keeps him from pursuing me. This is hard because I have struggled with codependency for years. I work almost daily with a licensed counselor in this area.

      I felt like I needed to comment here because this morning I was reading about gratefulness and thanksgiving in my quiet time. Instead of going to my next list of requests to God, I need to praise HIM for what He is doing in my husband’s life. So, here goes: I praise Him because my husband is now saying “thank you” when I do something for him, he is sometimes allowing me to spend time with him while he is intoxicated (not hiding it from me) and grieving over his dad’s sudden death, he is sharing his questions about God’s existence, he is sharing memories of childhood and the abuse he suffered from his dad, he is recognizing that his dad also suffered and maybe that is why he treated him so poorly, when I am unusually quiet he asks if everything is ok with me, and he is now intimate with me even though it is very difficult emotionally for him (we both have had affairs, mine a long time ago, his very recently).

      I know we have an extremely long road to recovery. He is only confessing some of his sins now, no repentance and no outward remorse for the pain he is causing our family. I am patient. In a way I am glad this is taking so long for him to find his way back because I am learning to be utterly dependent on the Lord. I am learning that I easily make my husband an idol and I have to tear that down and put my husband and his choices back into God’s hands. I am utterly broken and I am ok with that. God is working in my life and my marriage.

      I regret that I was so stubborn and waited my whole marriage to recognize that this is about me and my sin against God not about his….But God is so good and He loved me enough to show me at just the right moment and has given me the resources to be an overcomer. Thank you, April, for your ministry to women. I know our problems are MUCH greater than a simple lack of respect (adultery, drug use, alcoholism) but God is showing me that lack of respect opens doors to many many sins and its best to start at the beginning with the command to respect my husband.

      1. DW,

        Goodness, y’all have been through a lot! It sounds like your husband has not been doing very well in handling his grief over his dad’s death. I am so thankful that you turned to God and to prayer.

        I pray that God might give you wisdom about if/when to gently, humbly confront his sin – and when to wait and allow God to intervene – and when to seek outside help.

        I pray that God will draw him back to His heart! I pray for total spiritual healing for your husband. Have you seen the post about men and shame? There is a link on that post that goes to a series on shame in men that my husband is doing on his blog, recently. It may be very helpful.

        Has he repented of his affair?

        I am praying for God to work in you both and to create something very beautiful in your marriage! I’m glad you are working with a counselor to help you. But most of all I pray that you might grow in Christ and in faith and that God might give you the wisdom you need for each step. I pray God will open your husband’s eyes and help him work through all of the pain and shame he has experienced and deal with it in a healthy way that leads him to wholeness spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

        Much love to you!

        1. April, thank you for responding.

          My husband has not yet repented. Only confessed and said to not bring it up again. He is focused on mine from 7 years ago of which I repented and went through one year of intensive counseling. I have stayed in counseling and am still being mentored. He now hyper-focuses on my sins and mistakes from our marriage of 18 yrs. it’s very difficult being reminded daily of all I did wrong all those years ago when I am the complete opposite of that now. It’s like he is “stuck”. All I do is pray for him, support and encourage him and be a very meek wife.

          I do not confront him about his sin because right now he does not believe in God. What’s the use in confronting when he does not believe?

          I have read your post on men and shame and it makes sense. I honestly believe that God is going to restore him but at this rate, I cannot see when. Therefore, I rejoice in the little things: the eye contact, not flinching when I touch him, saying “thank you” and “I love you too”, the texts of “you are beautiful” when I send him a selfie when he asks,etc. there is progress. I am patient to wait on God (that is a daily declaration). I realize I am not the Holy Spirit.

          He will guide me in this journey as I abide in Him. I am content in His presence.

          1. DW,

            Ugh… It breaks my heart that he hasn’t repented yet. But I am encouraged that he is opening up to you more.

            I pray that God will direct your steps. And how I pray for God to reach your husband before he completely destroys himself and everything that matters.

            I have seen husbands do this after their wives have changed sometimes, and pull up their wives distant past sins to justify the husband’s current sins. But, usually, the husbands eventually wake up and realize, “but that is not who she is anymore. Why am I sinning against her when she is not sinning against me?”

            I love your faith in Christ and your ability to see your husband with God’s eyes. I want the affair to stop!! I know you do, too. But I stand with you in prayer about your husband, that God might reach his lost soul and bring him to salvation and regeneration. I pray for healing for your family. I pray for you to be Spirit-filled and to abide in Christ constantly. And I pray for God to direct your steps according to His will.

            Sending you the biggest hug!!!

          2. Dw, I just reread your posts. How are things going? Has your husband continued to open up? I’m struggling with understanding if my husband feels safer with me after a full year of me changing or not. I wondered if you have seen other progression signs?

          3. Lmsdaily115 (and April),

            Hi! I sent a post out right after you posted this but it must have gotten lost in cyberspace…I’m kinda glad it did though. I thought he was opening up more and feeling safe, but its been a ruse. God has opened my eyes after begging Him to reveal what is going on in my husband’s life. It’s not pretty. It’s much worse than I thought. He was arrested over the weekend for assaulting me and threatening to finish me off. I am done with him. I am sorry I cannot give any encouraging updates on HIM….but for me, I’m taking all necessary precautions to keep myself and my kids safe. I’ve been in court twice this week already. I am surrounded by amazing people right now…people looking out for me and my family. I am concentrating on becoming a better person. My husband is in God’s hands. We have no contact except through 3rd parties…that will be extended for 6 months to 2 years. Until he gets rehab and shows genuine repentance, I want NOTHING to do with him. God bless you on this journey.

            DW

          4. DW,

            I am SOOOO thankful you are safe! But how unbelievably awful what you have experienced. ๐Ÿ™ I can’t begin to imagine a spouse threatening to kill a spouse. I’m so glad you are out of that situation. Sounds very wise that you are focusing on your safety and healing. I’m thankful you don’t have any contact alone and that you are only having contact through a mediator.

            Thank you for the update. Your situation has been extremely difficult – but I think the direction you need to take is crystal clear right now.

            Praying for healing for you and for him – and for genuine repentance for him.

            Much love to you!!!!! You are always welcome here.

          5. Oh DW. My heart breaks for you and your situation, but I’m so glad you are safe and keeping your kids safe. Remember, you are not responsible for your husband’s sins. He will ultimately answer to God for them. Even though this may not be what you had planned in your life, God can still make something good from it. Right now, your job is to stay close to God, trust him to lead you for you and your kids. God will handle your husband. You can still pray he gets help, wakes up and such, but you still have your own life to live regardless of what your husband does or does not do. Sometimes God’s plans are to remove people or situations from your life in order for something better to come into your life. I pray that God gives you discretion and strength to move you and your kids to the next level. I pray you can focus on living in the example of Jesus and even though these hard things and dissapointments are happening, it doesn’t mean the end of your joy. I pray that you are able to stand up from the ashes and lean into the promise that God will give you beauty from them. Our lives never really turn out exactly how we plan them out, do they? They take on their own life. I will pray for you and your family for healing. Much love. Thank you for the update. We are all here for you.

  2. I just notice my hubby is happier ๐Ÿ™‚ – like really just in general seems relaxed, at ease and plain HAPPY.

    I haven’t been disrespectful very long, we’ve only been married a few years and my journey has been for about a year but definately had some back sliding in there but because it hasn’t been several years it only takes about a week of me being respectful, happy myself, smiling more, sweet, loving, less argumentative, full of God’s Holy Spirit, focusing on me and Christ and my relationship with Him, and (this is a big one) GIVING MY HUBBY SPACE, rather than focusing all my energy on him and making him my idol- wow when I begin to do this, the way he seems so much more happy with life in general is enough to make me never want to do those things- it’s sad to me that the way I act and the way I am sometimes can effect my poor husband and cause him to be sad, stand offish or just not enjoy like in general as much. We woman see this as him caring less but really that shows how much their wife’s happiness effects them.

    Anyways I am beyond thankful for this blog. And this post in specific!! Bc I’ve seen so many of these things from him these past few days since I started learning about healthy space in marriage and giving space out of respect for a few weeks now ๐Ÿ™‚ โค๏ธ

    God bless everyone! And thank you Aprilโค๏ธ

    1. Wife on a long journey,

      Thank you so much for sharing what you have seen in your marriage and for sharing the things God has shown you. This is awesome!!!!!

      You are such a blessing to me today, my dear sister!

      Much love,
      April

  3. My husband bought me golf clubs and golf lessons this year. We have spent so much more time together!

    Also, he is not afraid to “call me out.” In the past he would not have trusted me to accept in a mature way what he was saying. Just last night he told me he wished I were less sensitive and not so jealous. I appreciate that because I need so much pruning!

    1. Renee,

      Love this!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      And I am so thankful that Greg will call me out on things now. He doesn’t do it a lot – but when he does, I really stop and listen. He can see things in my heart that I can’t always see – like bitterness or fear. The pruning is much needed – in my life, at least!
      Thank you so much!

  4. Hi April,

    Interesting, a lot of the things on this list are happening, but it’s making me uncomfortable. I guess I’m so used to my “old” husband.

    I stopped reading the book. I liked it at first, but I feel that trying to tell myself that things that are reality are “lies” just because they are unpleasant is a bad way to go. It’s better to believe hard truths than to try and dismiss them as “lies”.

    Plus I wish my husband would learn about love languages. His is definitely words of affirmation. It makes him sad that I don’t use fluffy, mushy words – even though I try to affirm him honestly. And he pours the words on so thick it makes me absolutely insane. He SAYS he loves me so much, he SAYS he loves spending time with me, he SAYS he thinks I’m pretty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyone can blather on about anything, that’s easy. Maybe I’d believe him if he actually showed me these things.

    He made me so mad yesterday. And I get it that we are supposed to be forgiving and respectful and never get upset. But my husband loves work more than anything else on earth. Truly. I wholeheartedly believe that if a madman grabbed me and said “quit your job or never see your wife again” he would totally choose his job. In a nanosecond. He wouldn’t even have to think about it. That’s what I mean, when I read “believe that your spouse has good intentions…” Um, no he doesn’t. Believing that would be stupid. It is rare for my husband to have a day off, ever (but I will give him credit for trying to take Sundays off the past year), but his company has been taking off Labor Day in recent years. So I asked him, “do you have to work Monday?” And he said, “no.” Thrilled, I went out on a limb and asked, “do you want to do something?” He said, “yes.” Thrilled again, I stupidly decided to go ahead and initiate planning something (although I’ve told myself 50000 times to stop initiating anything – dates, sex, conversations – but I often forget my promise to myself and I’ll initiate any one of those things and it always backfires. I need to learn to stop wanting my husband emotionally, physically, and as a friend. (And then ironically, he will accuse me of pushing him away. Well, duh! Wouldn’t you if EVERY time you tried to get close to him it was a MAJOR FAIL?) And I know this is hard for wives who have husbands who love and desire them to understand, but bear with me here. Anyhow, as I’m online, stupidly happy, looking for a hotel room in our favorite family spot, I ask him “do you have to work Saturday?” He replies, “yes, and Sunday.” Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Shot down AGAIN! Of course he’s working Sunday. God forbid he have off more than 24 hours in a row. (We booked a vacation a couple months from now but I’m thinking of canceling it so he doesn’t have to miss any precious work time. I wouldn’t want him to have to suffer by spending more than 24 hours with me.)

    I know to people reading this, this may sound like I’m being ridiculous, but there is SO much backstory here, years of it, that there’s just not space to write. So anyway, he does NOT have good intentions. I am this angry because he led me to believe we could do something this weekend. He was afraid to tell me. He claims he’s all in to “rebuilding” and he keeps apologizing for the things he did before that he finally realizes were incredibly hurtful, and stupid me started to believe him. I am so mad at me! I should have never fallen for words, words, words. I asked him, “when I asked you if you wanted to do something, why did you say yes?” He said “I thought you meant on Monday.” Oh come on! He knew what I meant. Who on earth would make plans for one stupid afternoon? When everything is closed? That’s just dumb, and he knew what I meant. He was avoiding telling me he was working Sunday. He even admitted it. He said, “things were going so well, and I didn’t want to fight with you.” Well here’s the stupid part, if he had told me when he knew, instead of putting it off until I started thinking he actually wanted to spend time with me and getting all excited, then I wouldn’t have been mad!!!! Disappointed, yes, but not mad.

    So work wins again. The “lies” are all truths. He chooses work over me every time. EVERY time. And he always blathers on about how he wants to stop working so much, he loves spending time together, blah, blah, blah. He never backs it up with action. Because the truth is he DOESN’T love me, he doesn’t desire me, he doesn’t want to spend time with me, and he just says he does to make himself feel better. I fell for it, and now I am madder at myself than I was when this all began. I hate being lied to and I really hate being naive and falling for lies.

    Now my husband is apologizing and he says he realizes it was a bad decision to wait and tell me he had to work. And I’m expected to forgive him and forget all about it and not even care. And I will. And he and his job will win again. And I’ll have to act happy so he doesn’t feel sad. And he will once again be able to do whatever he wants with no regards to how it makes me feel, because let’s face it, I do not matter. Never have. Never will. What’s even worse is to make himself feel better he will probably suggest doing something stupid on Monday like going for a walk in a park or some dumb idea like that. And I’ll have to act like I care, even when we both know he’d rather be working and he’s just doing it because he “should.”

    I know, I know, I know I have a lot of praying to do. I know I have a lot of work in my own heart to do. I get it. But sometimes it feels like it’s not worth it. I’m not worth it, so why waste the time? Why keep trying and trying and trying only to get knocked down over and over and over again?

    And when I try to take the romance initiative, whenever I try to plan something, it backfires. Because work rules. Always has. Always will. This past summer I had what I thought was a great date planned. He claimed (keyword, claimed) that he was looking forward to it so much. Guess what. As I was about two-thirds of the way ready, stupidly believing that I might look somewhat presentable, that he might actually find his own wife attractive, that he might actually be looking forward to spending time with me – he calls. There’s an emergency at work. Isn’t that convenient. Why did he lie in the first place and tell me he was really looking forward to the date I had (stupidly) planned for us? Why did he claim he had been looking forward to it for days? Why didn’t he just say “no thanks”. It is far more cruel to let me get excited and start believing he might actually like me. Then he acts all disappointed like he is sad our plans got ruined. Whatever. And stupid me ends up falling for it again and again and again.

    But good intentions towards me? No. I don’t think so. I tried thinking so and it got me a whole lot of nowhere.

    So this list confuses me. Why he is opening up and acting all sweet is a mystery to me. Because work still wins. I could fall and smack my head on the ground and he’d be like, “oh sorry, I can’t help you, I have work.” He gets really upset when I say things like that, but we both know it’s the truth. I might believe the changes on this list were positive ones, but because he still chooses work over me every single time – they can’t be. It’s just him trying to “act” like he cares.

    1. Becca,

      Goodness! You are in a really bad place today, my dear sister! ๐Ÿ™ I’m so sorry for your pain. I hate that you feel so unloved and that you feel that you cannot believe or trust your husband. I think there is probably another perspective here that you are just not seeing right now that is probably much more accurate about how he feels and what he thinks.

      I see you embracing SO MANY LIES in this comment. Lies we have talked about before.

      It is your choice what you want to believe. You can listen to the voice of the enemy – or you can listen to God’s voice. I’m really sad for you that you are in the pit again.

      You are allowed to get upset. The key is what you do with that anger – and whether you respond in a way that honors God or a sinful way.

      Have you read any of Greg’s posts about shame lately? He is doing a series on shame – the main message of which is, “I am worthless. I am a mistake.” Check it out http://www.peacefulhusband.com .

      Sending you a big hug, and praying for you to have the time you need with God to have your soul restored and your vision corrected.

      Much love,
      April

      1. Sorry for posting here and talking about my frustration. I guess my major point was, it is odd to me that my husband is behaving in some of the ways on this list. And stupidly, I fell for it, believing that we might actually be growing. That I might be growing. That I might actually start not feeling so negative. I thought the “Lies…” Book was helping. Then I realized I was just deferring the issues by trying to believe things could get better. I was fooled.

        And then of course work – the other “woman” in our relationship – rears her ugly head and wins again.

        My apologies for not being more positive and for sharing my frustration.

        1. Becca,

          You were both really growing. And I believe that book was really helping you. You have had a setback – a frustration. The work issue is not going to be solved overnight. I don’t know what your husband does – he may have an issue with workaholism or he may truly believe his job is in jeopardy if he doesn’t go in. I don’t know.

          But God was healing you. And it was beautiful. His healing can continue in your heart if you will let Him in.

          Perhaps there is something here that God desires to use for good in your life?

          Much love!

          1. Becca,

            I had many, many setbacks myself on this journey, and I am sure I will have many more in the future, too. It is not a linear journey.

            It took Greg 3.5 years to feel safe with me again after I started this journey. At first, he didn’t want to look at me, talk to me, or touch me. That continued for quite awhile with very, very s,ow “progress” from my perspective. I felt that the house renovations and the TV and football wre much more important to him than I was back then, as I had felt many other times in previous years in our marriage.

            But I am thankful now for the LONG, slow process God took me through. When I got upset because Greg wasn’t changing and I was doing all this work to change – God always gently took me aside. He would say to me, “April, why are you seeking to become a godly wife? Is it so that Greg will change? Is it so that he will do what you want him to do? Or is it just to please Me no matter what Greg does or does not do?”

            I needed that time. If Greg had changed right away, I would have gone right back to my wrong thinking and being far from God. I am grateful now that it was a painful journey becuase God used it to refine and purify my motives. That is so key!

            This seems so frustrating. It is tempting to give up and assume the worst again because it is comfortable. But, perhaps God has something – a treasure – to share with you in this delay and setback?

            With love
            April

          2. Becca, there is a page on fb…..Christian marriage encouragement. It is a great place to find support 24/7. Just an idea. Lifting you up in prayer tonight!
            Lisa

          3. Thanks Lisa, but I don’t do FB. I’ve just always felt in my heart that it was a good place for me to stay far away from! ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you, though, for taking the time to make the suggestion, and for your prayers. It means a lot!

          4. April, thank you for asking. I’m going to be 100% honest. When I am angry, I react poorly. Many years ago I got into the habit of reading my Bible every morning. Sometimes God really speaks to me, but I have to be listening. When I’m upset, I do it by rote and don’t pay much attention. I struggle in this area. Also with prayer. I will pray, but when my heart is not right, it is not sincere. Or even if it is sincere, it doesn’t work. Praying with a “wrong” heart never does.

            Sometimes I “Google”, and I will not list what I look up, because I do not want to give anyone else negative ideas. But it is usually negative. Sometimes I read Christian marriage blogs and articles and get insanely jealous of women whose husbands seem to really love and desire them. Or I get angry at women who whine and ask “why does he want me so much?” I can go to a bad place, fast. I get lost in articles written by women whose “awesome husbands” take them on “amazing date nights” – or I read a post written by a man who loves his “wonderful wife and everything about her” and I realize more and more just how bad things are in my own marriage. He doesn’t love me even 1/10th of that. He would never write, or even think something like that.

            Part of me feels badly because he acts like he cares and sometimes he’ll try to be nice and act like he loves me. But it’s all a bunk of gobbldy-gook! I think it’s because he’s a nice guy who feels badly that I know he’d rather be working than be anywhere near me. He just called. Literally called as I was typing this, just to “say hello.” WHAT FOR? I don’t understand why when I’m mad he can’t just let me be mad. It’s because he wants it both ways. He wants to be 150% wrapped up in his work and still have me be happy. Why? Why bother? I’m obviously just in his way, so why act like you care if I’m happy?

            To answer your earlier question, he runs massive, high dollar construction projects. Tough, yes, but the world will not end if he misses a phone call. And no, he will not lose his job. But I do believe they know they can take advantage of him because work is his true love.

            I am sure I sound like a shrew, but if I could share my whole married life I think folks would understand better. He admits he is a workaholic. His father was, too. So I get all the Freudian mumbo-jumbo part of it. But that doesn’t mean it has to be that way. Change is possible.

            I’d probably even be far less upset if all this work was just work. If it happened during working hours. It is more the way it gets in the way of everything, ruins everything, stresses him out to the point he just passes out from exhaustion as I sit here for lonely night after lonely night, only to have to act like I understand so that HE doesn’t get sad or upset. It’s always about keeping him happy and the heck with my feelings. Every time I try to plan anything, do anything, surprise him with anything, even wear something special for him – something work related comes up and ruins it all. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I have been understanding many times. Stuff happens. I get it. But when it happens all the time, when I am last on his list day after day after day, it’s gettng to be too much.

            I know I’m in a bad place. I know my heart isn’t right. I know I should be going to God. Could God have a treasure in this? Sure. Does He? I don’t know. Could I even be receptive to it? I don’t even know. I’m running out of will. I feel beat down and I’m getting to the point where I don’t even care anymore.

            All of this junk just serves to reinforce what I’ve known all along. My husband only married me to be married. As a person I am worthless to him. He could have married anyone. I do not matter to him as a person. Never have. Never will. All of the growing and changing and rebuilding has been a big pile of nothingness. My will is broken. I don’t even care. I am that worn out.

          5. Becca,

            My dear sister!!!! Thank you for being honest with me! I love you dearly and I want you to be living in God’s peace and joy!

            I do understand the pain of feeling unimportant and feeling unloved by your husband. It is awful. I understand feeling like the TV, football, the 5+ years of house renovations, and the iPad were more important than I was. That was a daily thing for many, many years. My husband still loves TV, football, his iPad, and working on renovations, actually! But God has changed my heart now and opened my eyes to understand my husband more accurately and to see him with His eyes – and that has made such a difference!

            For the first 3 years into this journey, my husband was still quite shut down, barely spoke to me, barely looked at me, definitely didn’t call me from work to check on me, didn’t give me ANY compliments, didn’t want me to talk much to him, and seemed very checked out emotionally/spiritually with the marriage.

            I decided that I was going to become the wife God wanted me to be because it would please God and because I wanted to bless Greg and try to make up for all of the hurtful things I unknowingly did for those 14+ years.

            I would try and try to change. I spent hours each day studying, praying, reading the Bible, begging God to change me. Sometimes, I would get really frustrated because Greg didn’t seem to move 1/2 an inch toward me.

            I needed those times. I needed that frustration and Greg not meeting my needs. I know that sounds so weird. But I needed to learn to turn to Christ alone for my fulfillment and to stop expecting Greg to fill me up or do what I wanted him to do. I needed that time for my motives to be refined. I needed to learn to be content with Christ alone no matter what Greg did or did not do.

            If I were looking to Greg to fill me up and meet my deepest needs – I would STILL be a total mess. Every day. He can’t meet those deep needs I have. He is just a man.

            I know that you know you are listening to the voice of the enemy – and that while maybe some of what you are saying is true (like maybe the workaholism) – a lot of what you are saying is not true. I know it is tempting and comfortable to stay in that awful place because it is very familiar. But you asked me, a long time ago, to keep you accountable.

            So – please – my dear sister – turn back to God. Stop listening to the enemy. That is a destructive path you are on. Please read the book again. Maybe every day for a few months. I had to do that with one particular book 3 years into my journey.

            This IS worth it. But it is primarily not about having the marriage you want – it is about finding the sufficiency of Christ and that if you have Him, you have everything that matters.

            I would love for your husband to spend more time with you – but even if he did right now – it wouldn’t fix your soul. He can’t meet your God-sized needs, and he never will be able to do that.

            But when you are filled up and overflowing with Christ, I believe that healing can take place in your marriage. The marriage thing is not the ultimate goal, though. Pleasing Christ has to be the ultimate goal.

            Much love!
            April

          6. Lord,

            I just have to stop what I am doing and get on the floor with my keyboard on my knees in front of my computer before You and pray for our sister, Becca, and many others who are ensnared by demonic lies and ungodly thinking.

            The enemy has stolen so much of the good You have for Becca and our other sisters who are also trapped in a similar spiritual prison. Open Becca’s eyes and my other readers’ eyes to Your truth. Open their eyes to Yourself. Unstop their ears, Lord! Let them see that they are sitting at a table with the enemy, drinking from his table, and that they can choose to reject the enemy and the lies they have believed and choose to believe You and choose You instead! Bring Your divine deliverance to Becca and my readers! In the Name and power of Jesus Christ, cast out any unclean spirits that are defiling Becca or our other sisters that are tempting them to believe the father of lies. Remove all sin from their hearts. Let them remember they have died to sin and self and to this life. Let them remember they are now living for You alone! Remove the trust in self and in people and other things. Remove the sinful thoughts and motives. Remove the bitterness, hatred, contempt, and unbiblical thinking. Expose every lie for what it is. Reveal the truth clearly. Let them turn fully to You in trust and faith and be cleansed! Let them see that only in You is there purpose, healing, contentment, fulfillment, joy, peace, and strength! Let them forsake their old understanding and wisdom and run to You! You are the Great Physician. Heal Becca and my sisters who are trapped. Let them see You clearly and let them choose to walk out of the dungeon with You into Your glorious light, freedom, hope, peace, and joy! Let them repent of every sin that offends You and turn wholeheartedly to You! Let them live lives worthy of Christ and let them be filled with Your Spirit and Your power to walk humbly in obedience, thanksgiving, praise, and joy in Your presence. Set their eyes on You. Let them reject Satan. Cause him to flee. Regenerate their souls and hearts and minds by Your power. Let them become the women You have called them to be!

            Heal their husbands and draw them to Yourself. Regenerate their souls. Heal and restore each marriage for your glory.

            In the Name and power of Christ,
            Amen!

  5. It took a few years for my husband to be able to even begin to trust me again, it’s been about 7 years since I started on this journey of becoming a respectful wife, and while he showed some of these signs of trust it hasn’t been until this last year that I have seen a huge change. I feel like his walls have finally begun to really break down.

    He holds my hand again, wants intimacy again, I can tell he really trusts me again. My husband was a very hurt man, from me, from his family growing up, and other issues. I think giving his heart and really trusting someone is the hardest thing in the world for him, I just feel so grateful to God for bringing us to this place.

    It’s very encouraging to read this list and recognize almost all the things mentioned. Especially from my husband who’s heart seemed to remain hardened for so long. I want to encourage other wives earlier on in this journey to have faith, and trust that God can do a great work in their, and their husbands heart.

    It may take years and years, but it has been so beautiful to watch in my own life. I feel so blessed.

    1. Sarah,

      I am so thankful for your willingness to share. It think it is a blessing for other wives to see the time frame involved in your journey and to see the changes that can happen in a very wounded husband over many years.

      How I praise God for all that He has done, is doing, and will do in your life, your husband’s life, and your marriage!

      1. Yes, it is a blessing to see the time frame. A little scary, too….but the reality is that if/when God gets us to a place where we’ve decided no matter the outcome that we will obey and do these things as unto the Lord, then really, we should have no expectations. (Easier to type/say than to accept).

    2. Thank you for your comment, Sarah. I’ve been really encouraged by it especially after so much time with God this morning. I had considered asking my husband for more affection and I decided to hold back. The last time I asked about that, he was forthecoming with information, but not about my concerns and no change in behavior. I still saw this as a good thing even though disappointed. It feels good to receive their perspective and not get hung up on it or devastated by it. I think he’s a little confused about my slight distance while I process and move forward.

      Beautiful post, April.

      1. Refined,

        I’m glad that this was a blessing, my friend! Thank you for sharing how things are going. I’m sure it is a very different experience for a husband if he is used to his wife getting upset – to see her be a bit more distant and quiet.

        I love what God is doing in your heart and am so blessed by you!

  6. April, thank you for praying for me. I know I can be a burden, with all my issues. People who are an “overnight success” are much more encouraging, I am sure. That being said, I know you understand very well that change doesn’t happen overnight. So I appreciate your time and your prayers.

    I am feeling a mix of emotions.

    The flesh: I DO try to be a good wife. I keep myself relatively fit and attractive for him (although I don’t think I’m his “type”) – I do the best with what I’ve got. I keep his house, cook his meals, pay his bills, raise his sons, pray for him to have a good day – and all of that I do with a cheerful heart! And yet, I’m never enough. How do so many wives be so loved by their husbands? I get it that him putting me before work just once shouldn’t be my goal, but it sure would be a nice treat. What is it that is so repulsive about me that a bunch of dirty, swearing, sweaty men on a jobsite are more appealing to him? What are all these other wives getting that I am missing? Why does he waste his breath saying “I love you so much” when we both know nothing could be further from the truth? I get it that I have a lot of growing to do. But I’m the only one? ALL the other wives have figured this all out?

    The rational: “The marriage thing is not the ultimate goal, though. Pleasing Christ has to be the ultimate goal.” This is an interesting statement that I do believe is true. I need to think on this, absorb it, pray about it, and try to make it real to me.

    The confused and/or leery: Trying to “let go” of “lies” is starting to seem foolish. It is safer to understand that he does not love me (he might wish he did, but you cannot force yourself to love someone), I am not important, I do not mean as much to him as work, I am not attractive to him, he does not want us to grow as a couple – that is all him blowing smoke. It is safer to come to terms with all of that than to try to believe he does care and just get sand kicked in my face again, and again, and again. Trying to believe what isn’t real for the sake of some book or some undeserved growth is just foolish. I have foolishly made myself vulnerable and all it did was leave me open for more hurtful truths and disappointments.

    The realistic: I’m tired. I don’t even want to care anymore. I’m so tired of trying to act happy to keep him happy. I just feel – done.

    And the guilty: I am grateful that you are there. I feel guilty for burdening you with my mess when it just is what it is. I feel guilty for not wanting to try anymore. I feel guilty for wanting to love my husband and have a wonderful marriage when it’s obviously not meant to be for us. I feel guilty for desiring my husband far more than he has ever desired me. I feel like I’m letting God down by being a whiny baby, when other folks are in far worse situations. I’m just tired. Tired of trying, tired of caring, tired.

    Oh, and the scared: Why is it all about me? Why doesn’t he have to try at all? Am I that much of a dirty rotten sinner that this is all 100% my issue? My husband has no part in this mess whatsoever? I will be the first to admit I am not even close to perfect, but I think he’s at least 10% responsible. I know I’m a sinner in need of a savior, and I have accepted Christ as my savior. This isn’t about being saved. And I get that saved people aren’t perfect and I still make a lot of mistakes. Probably more than most people. But the very confusing part for me is this – I do understand that Christ needs to be enough. I’m working on that. Or at least, I was. But I still struggle with the thought that for whatever reason, God doesn’t want me to have a strong marriage. If I am content with Christ, does that mean my husband gets a blank check to do whatever he wants, push me aside for his job over and over again, and I’m not supposed to ever get hurt, or even care?

    My husband will be home in a couple hours, and he will probably come in acting like he cares. I don’t even feel like having feelings anymore.

    But thank you for praying for me. I’ll reread it many times. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

    You know what else I feel badly about? There are times when I’ve posted positive things here. When I thought I was learning and growing. But now I wonder if that was just wishful thinking and I was fooling myself. If those moments of growth had been real, I don’t know how I would have ended up back here. I feel like my positivity and growth was all phony. And I detest phony. I’d rather be miserable and real than believing I was making progress only to find out I’d been fooling myself. This is incredibly frustrating.

    1. Becca,

      I had a lightbulb moment after reading your last comment! I am so glad you shared all of those thoughts and feelings. It helped me understand better where you are right now. And – I think I need to back up a bit.

      The biggest lies I am concerned about are the ones you believe about yourself and about God. Those are the ones I would love for you to focus on first.

      I can’t know for sure if your husband loves you. I can’t prove to you that he does. It sure sounds like he does to me, but – let’s just assume for now – that he actually hates you and can’t stand being with you and it is all a big act. Let’s assume you are totally right about that – and he is a scum bag.

      Here is the thing that I want you to know – it doesn’t really matter that much.

      Whether he truly does love you and you just can’t receive it – or whether he hates you and is not attracted to you >> what he thinks, feels, says, and does is not super relevant to this journey. I mean, it would be neat if he would do some wonderful things for you sometimes. And if he does, I hope you will enjoy it and appreciate him.

      BUT:

      The work you have to do in yourself and with God will be the same whether your husband loves you or whether he doesn’t. And becoming a godly wife – your path is going to be the same no matter what your husband is doing – for the most part. I mean, if he is having an affair or something, and won’t repent – then you may have to separate. But, barring some really awful unrepentant sin on his part, your path and the things God wants to do in your heart will be almost exactly the same.

      It is very tempting on this journey to get caught up in thinking, “I am doing all of this stuff to change myself so that my husband will love me more, give me more attention, spend more time with me, be more romantic, etc…” But those are not the right motives.

      The entire point of this journey is for you to draw close to Jesus and to be right with God. The entire point is for you to be filled with His Spirit and to abide in Him and to experience His spiritual riches in your every day life and for you to be obedient to Him, increasing in holiness.

      What your husband does is between himself and God. We can trust God to deal with him if he doesn’t love you. Even if he doesn’t love you at the moment – here is the awesome thing about having a sovereign God – God can change his heart.

      So, I know it is tempting to get really caught up in your husband’s lack of response or his lack of willingness to spend time with you. And I know it is tempting to go round and round thinking, “Well, his REAL motives must be…”

      Let’s forget about your husband for a bit. Let’s forget about whether he loves you or not. Let’s forget about his motives. This journey is not about him at all. Yes, he may be a beneficiary as God heals you. And yes, part of your obeying God will be to bless him – but this is all about your relationship with God and whether your sinful nature is in control or the Holy Spirit is in control of your life.

      Your husband has his own journey to make. If I were a man and he were coming to me for mentoring, I would talk with him about his relationship with Christ and idols/sins/wrong thoughts in his life. I would talk about him seeking to show God’s love to you.

      But I am not counseling your husband. I am counseling you. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Your husband will be accountable for every motive, every careless word, every thought, every deed. He will be accountable for his obedience to God’s Word for him as a man and as a husband.

      You will be accountable for every motive, every careless word, every thought, every deed, and your obedience to God’s Word for you as a woman and as a wife. When you stand before God and He judges the work you have done for His kingdom – you will stand there alone. Your husband won’t be there. This is not a group grade. It won’t matter to God what was going on with your husband – you will be accountable to Him for your walk and your character. For believers, our work will be tested by fire. We will not go to hell for our sins, because Jesus died to pay for our sin and when God looks at our “bank account” instead of the billions of sin dollars of debt we used to have, now we have Jesus’ perfectly holy and righteous account.

      But God will burn our works, the things we did for Him and how we lived – and if we built wisely, we will be rewarded for whatever survives the fire. If we did not build wisely, what we did will be burned up and we won’t have any rewards – we will narrowly escape with our lives.

      Of course your husband has responsibility for the problems in your marriage. He is responsible for his sin and his issues and his choices. Of course there is plenty of room for him to grow and improve. Yep. That is always true with every human.

      The point of all that I write about is your journey and your spiritual growth and your relationship with Christ. My goal is for Him to say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” to you when you stand before Him when this short life is over.

      God wants you to have a strong marriage – but hear this closely:

      Much more than you having a strong marriage, He wants you to desire Him, to know Him, and to look to Him alone to meet your needs.

      If by having you go through this time of painful trial results in you growing in your faith and understanding of Him and you begin to put Him as THE priority in your life and everything else is WAY below Him – then this trial was worth it in God’s eyes.

      You know the pain you have when your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you? That is a similar, but much less pain, that God experiences when you brush Him off and don’t want to spend time with Him.

      If you are content in Christ – YOU are blessed and YOU get to have His overflowing peace and joy no matter what your husband does. Jesus truly is MORE than enough and more than sufficient for each of us. But He may bring us through some trials where we have to learn that first hand.

      Interestingly, when a wife is filled up with Christ, it usually draws her husband closer to God, too. BUT – even if it doesn’t, it is still worth it for you to be right with God.

      God never excuses sin or pushes it under the rug. Your husband is just as accountable for obeying God’s Word as you are. He doesn’t get a blank check to sin against you and mistreat you. If he is truly sinning against you – you may need to confront him – but it needs to be God’s way and with godly, pure motives.

      Be kind to your husband tonight, my friend. Cut him some slack. Not to make him love you more – but to seek to please God!

      Much love, my dear sister!

      1. April,

        Almost everything you have written here speaks so very much to me now. Few days ago, I really started to put God as THE priority in my life (I made a more firm decision) and especially above my marriage. I can go on the left or on the right, but I keep more easily focused on Him now. And as a result Iโ€™m experiencing more joy.

        What helps me to stay close to God is also my better understanding of Godโ€™s purposes. Last week I started to listen to John Piperโ€™s YouTube videos ; for exemple ยซ Donโ€™t waste your life ยป (it speaks about Godโ€™s glory, Christโ€™s glory and our suffering) : Itโ€™s so important to start to see Godโ€™s glory !

        Your statement below itโ€™s so true :

        God wants you to have a strong marriage โ€“ but hear this closely:
        Much more than you having a strong marriage, He wants you to desire Him, to know Him, and to look to Him alone to meet your needs.

        I would say is almost as if you give up on your marriage without actually doing it.

        1. Ev,

          I love what God has shown you! This is awesome! John Piper, David Platt, Wayne Grudem, and Francis Chan have been amazing resources for me for my own spiritual growth. Thank you so much for sharing this!

          We give up having our marriage as the most important thing – as an idol – yes. We lay it before God and allow Him to decide what to do with it and where we go with it. Great point!

          Much love!

    2. Becca, I hear your heart and I GET IT! We all do. Believe me, you are only typing what so many of us have put into countless journals and, like Jacob, are still wrestling with daily. Perhaps the difference for some of us is that we have hit so low that we also surrounded ourselves with extra support outside of this blog. April can only do so much. Personally, I needed to see real people living this out. I have beautiful girlfriends in REAL marriages who inspire me with their grit, sense of humor and devotion to the Lord not to mention their honesty. And they will be tough with me and call me out when I’m being a drama queen or needy or immature. The Lord has even sent random women to me at the library or my kids’ school who are ahead of me in THE SAME STRUGGLES praise God! Have you gifted yourself with such women?

      I also have the benefit of working with the geriatric population on a regular basis and they are a wealth of wisdom. They have fearlessly shared with me that what we are going through is pretty much normal. I’ve also heard the regret of some who did give up. Their perspective really carries some weight.

      And the books! Let them be your companions for awhile! The more you read, the more you see. Let yourself feel validated, even comforted by perspectives you’d never considered. Let reality replace fantasy. Have a safe, mental playground for your brain while you ride these waves and then go get your hair done and buy a new dress…not for him but for you.

      For so long I thought if I showed respect for my husband he’d be loving and intimate. What a shock to find more issues and ‘opportunities’ to show I can be tested… um, trusted. Yes. I have absolutely thought, ‘what about me? How many years has it been? Why do I have to pay for his parent’s sins? his own blindness? The glitches in his own brain? This is rediculous and NOT FAIR!’ Far more than holiness, fear kept me in the game, however. What would happen to my children if I broke up our family? He does protect them and they adore him. If I made the best choice I knew how when I married and my best got me here, who’s to say I won’t have to go through this all over again with the next guy? Are you kidding me? What a mess I’d make for all of us. No thank you.

      Everyday I consider how much I love my life, my kids and all the time I get to spend with them, knowing they are safe, the opportunity to work when I want to, create when I want to, basically come and go when I want to. I value my husband’s presence in my bed each night, his help to my mom at the ready. I have so many blessings in this marriage that I would absolutely say good-bye to if I just gave up and gave in. Have you actually talked to other divorced women to gain some insight? What blessings do you take for granted that would walk right out that door if you just quit?

      Is it enough to convince myself I feel loved by him? No. But that is truly becoming less important than the changes that are happening in me. I LOVE no longer waking up pining after a touch. I LOVE not being so fragile that I am at the mercy of his good or bad day. I LOVE feeling compassion for someone v. intimidation or loathing and actually knowing what to do to bring order. I LOVE noticing the small acts of kindness I would’ve missed before. I LOVE feeling confident now. I have yet to even really invest in discovering my own passions and interests. I know of another wife who went from asking her husband for more time to participating in the Iron Man…and placing! Her rather unaffectionate but kind husband was so proud as we all were.

      I am happy for people who are in the throws of love and connectedness. Right now, that’s not us. I’m having to develop a taste for other things like ‘companionable silence’ and reframed thinking and acceptance for valleys and sweetness in waiting and knowing the difference b/w God’s ultimate, intimate love and man’s best.

      Do rest in Him and take a break. But keep going. Your words don’t scare us. We’ve all had to keep bumping into the truth that we married mere men not Disney prince charmings. But your moments of clarity will become more frequent and they will be signposts that you are heading in the right direction. We love you and we are for you. Your determination blesses us back for we are all on the same journey.

    3. Run your own race, becca. Your husband and God have a lot to work out too. Quit thinking about his problems, responsibilities,and lack of whatever. You can’t control that anyway.

      I have one just like yours. Big important job, 4am till 10pm. I get nothing but contempt. My friends think I’m crazy for staying. I can’t talk to them anymore. When I feel so frustrated – I start looking at my expectations of my marriage. I have none anymore, so when he calls to ask if I need milk or something, I have to be thankful for that small gesture. My husband only calls if he thinks he has pushed me over the edge.

      I cry every time I mow the lawn for 5 hours…what’s the point? I have soul-crushing loneliness every day. So what do I do? I think about how I would act if I were single, but still loving him, because I love God. I find others to practice on such as an elderly person who wants company, a cashier who might need a smile. I focus my heart on God and love for my husband no matter if he gives love back.

      God loves us even when we don’t love him back. We can only control ourselves. Forget the rest. Deal with your hurt once you can see another perspective. Right now you don’t even understand it. There will be a time.

      Do you tell him respectfully how you feel without freaking out and getting really emotional and reactive? It took a long time for me to even have the guts to broach the subject.

      I am following your comments with prayer. I am right in the same boat, but I feel so much better when I don’t focus on his lacks, I beg God to show me mine, work on them and find peace.

      We can do this together with Christ. Each week can be a new learning experience, you must be close to a breakthrough, or else the enemy would not be attacking you into this tiredness and loss of faith so hard. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

      Much love and prayers for you to find the strength and faith you need during this trial.

      1. LMSdaily115,

        Thank you so much for sharing with Becca and all of us. I LOVE what God is doing in your heart – instilling an ability to love the way God loves, helping you to focus on pleasing Christ first, and seeking to be a blessing with no strings attached.

        And I totally agree with you that Becca must be very close to a big breakthrough – this kind of attack often does precede a big step forward – as you have seen, yourself, many times. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Much love!

      2. When I read the comment “Run your own race, Becca”, I had to share this. I am beginning to surrender my husband, really really surrender him and our marriage to God. I would have thought I was doing that two years ago, but no, the reality is I was not. Now, God has totally maneuvered me to that point. Because He loves me, because He knows that is what will bring me true joy and happiness (Him as first in my life, Him as all of my sufficiency….He is enough). Anyway, this past weekend, I picked up my Bible and just kind of flipped it open and came to John 21. In that chapter, Peter is worried about John and what John will have to endure, etc., etc. Jesus says to him, “What is that to you? You follow me.” I knew as soon as I saw that passage (I didn’t have to really read it, as soon as I flipped it open, I knew what that passage was about and knew that God was speaking to me).

        Jesus’ words cut to the heart, don’t they? But, they are life and truth.

        “What is that to you? You follow Me.” The reality is that Jesus does not promise us a restored marriage, a perfect Christian home. He has been painfully honest with us about trials in this life and the sufferings we will endure.

        From what I can read, Becca, I think God is taking you to that place of surrendering your desires and hopes for your marriage and for how your husband should treat you. He’s making it uncomfortable and you can try to keep controlling it and figuring it out, but the fact is……God is so enamored with you and has a godly jealousy of you that He will keep maneuvering those circumstances until you one day you give up. He is committed to completing the work that He began in you and this is a part of it.

        He’s doing that with me now. Yes, it hurts. And, I am vacillating constantly between the very real hurt and the excitement of what God is doing.

        Anyway, love you, girl….you are real and we all love you for it. Looking forward to hearing more from you as we all go along together. Isn’t God good that we have this place to come to and get encouragement from when we are ready to throw in the towel?

    4. Becca,

      I’m a husband, I’m still separated from my wife and she was in your position, she just ran out of hope, but in actuality is the most amazing, gentle, truthful person i have still ever met but trying to cover for me and believe in me just crippled her.

      I had the construction environment for about fifteen years, it is intense, I don’t know if he is on site, or in an office – I was on site, I was responsible for fast decisions that also had to be right and if I was only a tiny bit wrong it would easily leads to a million dollar problem. I would be at work by 6am and easily work until 10pm and often through the night just trying to stay ahead. In my case it is my own business so there was the added pressure to keep that running…so rightly or wrongly it is all consuming and very demanding. I tended to get a sense of accomplishment from being responsible for building a tunnel, an airport, a freeway a whatever but there’s not a lot of room for emotion and I remember an old construction foreman telling me when when we were working in India not to forget my wife and family as he had….I didn’t really listen!! they are words for your husband not you but it’s so easy to do.

      I used to say I loved my wife but there were two things wrong with that – if I did then why didn’t it agree with scripture so being honest I didn’t…and secondly, I couldn’t love anyone else because I didn’t love me and couldn’t, wouldn’t….I looked great on the outside and people thought we had the perfect marriage but my wife was slowly dying and it was very, very difficult for me to accept as I slowly understood that.

      My wife and her friends started praying for me, probably fasting and my world blew apart, we separated, I no longer had my wife’s support in any shape or form. My wife came from a secure childhood and believed she was valued, I changed that because she gave her heart and trust to me.

      April is totally right, your walk is with God and that is where change starts…your honesty with your feelings is critically important but for me as a husband I started to hang Around Aprils “Womens” blog just to try and understand a womens perspective and I really have. I understand the damage my ignorance has done but I am severely repentant and totally walking with Jesus so if it can happen for me – any one is fair game….listen to April, and over ride your feelings for a while, seriously…..your way hasn’t worked so put your trust in these serious Christian women. Incidentally my wife has built a wall to protect herself but she is actually not noticing what I do and don’t do now she is noticing the change in me and it is confusing and unsettling for her…it actually is freaking her out a bit but every week I get closer with Lord…you trust God, keep turning up and listening to April and recognize that this seriously hard hearted shame engulfed pathetic excuse for a husband is a totally new creation and believe that God will do the same for you…..I promise you it is so worth the pain and He really, honestly and literally sets the captives free!!!

      1. Gary,

        Thank you so much for sharing your masculine perspective with Becca and all of us! How amazing that you have experience in construction and can speak directly to the pressures of that job.

        Thank you for sharing what may be in a husband’s heart. And thank you for sharing how God changed you. I pray for healing for your wife and for continued growth spiritually for you both and for restoration for your marriage – that God might be greatly glorified!

  7. Thank you, everyone for your replies. There is a lot here, and I need to reread it all and try to digest it.

    I do feel an immediate need to clear up two things, though. I am afraid in my anger and strong emotion I may give the wrong impression.

    My husband is NOT a scum bag. He takes very good care of me and our children. He does not cheat on me, and to my knowledge he does not have a porn issue. For that I am incredibly thankful. I love him very much, and never want to give the impression that he is a “bad” person. A workaholic, yes, yes, a thousand times yes – but he is a good man. I do believe he loves me as one would love a friend or an aunt or a sister. It’s the deep, romantic, passionate love that I often question.

    I’m starting to feel really badly because I feel like I have caused people to judge him. I still think he has his own issues (as do I) but he’s not an ogre. There is a lot of good about him, and I can see I need to focus more on what he does that is positive.

    Also, I have no intentions of getting divorced. I think such a thing would destroy all of us. What is incredibly crazy is that we both WANT a good marriage, I’m just not sure we know how to get there. One book that I did read that was incredibly helpful was “Love and Respect.” I often feel unloved. I have a strong personality, and often say what I’m feeling and thinking. I am sure at times this makes him feel disrespected. We are often caught in one of those crazy cycles.

    All is not lost. Things are certainly better than they were a year ago, or even two years ago.

    I can see I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think he has a lot of work to do, too – but he escapes into his work and doesn’t like to face the hard issues. I don’t either.

    Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts. I will need to read all of this many more times, and I will reply after I’ve had some time to think.

    Thank you.

    1. Becca,

      I know your husband is not a scum bag. I actually really admire a lot of things about your husband and am so thankful he is your husband. ๐Ÿ™‚ But when you are upset – you talk about him like he is AWFUL! But I want you to know – that even if your worst fears about your husband when you are the most upset were true – the plan God has for you on this journey is the same. The things you have to learn are the same. And He is so much bigger than your husband, or your feelings, or the current circumstances.

      I know this is a lot to digest.

      Take your time! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Much love to you! That is wise to pray and read and consider what has been said before responding. I’m proud of you! I know you are in a much better place generally than you were last year. I’m honored to get to walk beside you on this journey. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. So last night, my husband wanted to talk about how we could have an “amicable” divorce.

    This sends my shackles up so fast. I tried to remain calm, I told him my opinion and options if that was what it came down to. I assured him I didn’t want a divorce. He got very upset because I wouldn’t be doing what he thought I should (live in our house, continue to overwork myself because he’s not home, etc.) He became irate and confrontational. I politely removed myself and went to another room.

    I didn’t feel like I had to continue to be berated and accused and cut down. He followed me and I started to get concerned. I never saw that kind of contempt on his face before. Although I asked him if I should sleep in another house tonight, he got offended I felt that way and left. The next morning, he contacts me to talk. I am not mad at him, blaming him, etc. But he thinks I am skipping steps, trying to figure out how to heal and move forward together when he is trying to see IF he can even heal, let alone fathom moving forward.

    He will not seek counseling. I have debated if i go by myself – will it help. I continue to honor him because I love God. I was convicted of sarcasm and I appologized. I will work on that. The issue is he isn’t sure he can move past this. He’s afraid to trust again. I am the opposite – full of hope and eager to rebuild. I am willing to wait, he is very sensitive to any setback or disrespect. The slightest disrespect makes him want to cut me off at my knees and prove to me how nothing has changed.

    I have been through 3 divorces with my parents. It’s never pretty. I described how crappy situations happen. I did not paint a pretty picture of divorce for him. He then removed himself to sleep in another room. I firmly belive divorce is not an option for us. There is no biblical approval in our case. But how can it heal when one is a cheerleader for restoration and a believer and the other can’t get out of his own way and feels God, if he really exists is small and unpowerful?

    I know I can’t see a way, but God can make a way. I would love to hear some success stories in similar situations. If he asks me for a divorce right now, do I agree to it or refuse? What happens when one person wants it and the other does not? I know it’s only been 9 months on this journey, are there any milestones to look forward to?

    I know in any case, I will be ok. I have God. I am not trying to idolize my marriage or husband. I just have so many blind spots. I don’t want to NOT give enough or the right effort. Is it truly just giving more time? I don’t know if I can give him any more space without ignoring him completely as if he wasn’t even in the house. Especially when I want to touch, comfort, live, be intimate with him. I feel like I am raping him if I lovingly scratch his back or give him a foot rub, even if he seems to like it.

    1. LMSdaily115,

      It sounds like you handled that well. I can understand that he may feel that things can’t change at this point. But I know that God IS changing you. You are not perfect, but you are not who you were! A lot of husbands think that when a wife stumbles in the first year or two of this journey – that it means she is not changing and that things will be the way they once were. But that is not true!

      Going to godly, biblical counseling may be very helpful – even if it is just by yourself.

      I know you are hearing God’s voice. I know you are seeking Him with all your heart. God can change your husband’s heart. You shared your desire to heal the marriage. You have taken responsibility for your sins. Yes, he is probably afraid that the changes won’t last. That is normal for a husband in his shoes. But God will help him see over time as He continues to work in your life and as He continues to work in your husbands’ life.

      God will give you wisdom about exactly what to do if your husband does ask for a divorce. I have seen husbands do this, and then the wives be very respectful, calm, and cooperative – and sometimes, that brings the husband back. At this point – live one day at a time. Let’s see what God will do and not try to zoom into the future too much.

      I am lifting you up in prayer, my precious sister! Cling to Christ! I know you will be okay – and I know that God is going to make something very beautiful here!

      Much love!

      1. Thank you April.

        I guess I didn’t know that it is normal for husband’s to freak out so much the first year or two. I have resolved to give more space. The less words I use, the better. I am even stopping the “I love you” as he walks out the door – he thinks I am trying to coerce an “I love you too” out of him anyway. I figure I can show my love for him in many other ways instead.

        He called me out on my sarcasm in this last argument. I was glad he did. After the argument, I laid in bed going over and over the words we flung around and asked God to tell me where I could’ve been more respectful. I did a better job than in the past, but always room to improve. However, because my husband was so much more upset, he associated his reactions to mine. He thinks I yelled, screamed, cut down and got all reactionary. In fact, I was calm, steady, matter of fact, and less emotional than in the past.

        It is so super hard to deflect every hurtful remark, insult, cut down and hateful facial expression. It feels like having a fully functional super soaker in your hands, but standing there getting blasted full on in the face with his super soaker endlessly, and just taking it, with no retaliation.

        I am so glad God put me on this journey first. I would have surely died by now had I not found God to help. I read some other articles about marriage etc when I want more info. I found one that was written by a man, I’ll try to find it to send on. Basically it confirms some of the shame stuff about men, but then asks us women to be patient while men “catch up” when they need to learn how to be more relational. He talks about how this is not a natural state for men, women are far better, being relational is opposite of their, logical and straight forward, fact based knowledge and skill set.

        Translation for women= 1)give the gift of time and space 2) wait on God to do his work in the husband 3) he has a similar contortion-like paradigm shift to go through, just like us women when we are learning to be respectful and submissive. We have to learn our opposites….be less emotional, be short and concise with our words, facts only…etc. Woohoo, I found the article. Here it is: http://themarriageplace.com/2015/07/one-mans-open-letter-to-emotional-women/

        1. LMSdaily115,

          I think giving more space as he wrestles with things and as he watches to see if this is for real sounds wise.

          I hope you will consider thanking him for calling you out on your sarcasm. And I am really glad to hear you were much less reactionary and that you were calm and steady. That is awesome!

          My prayer is that God will open your husband’s eyes to see that you are not retaliating and that you are not sinning against him like you used to – and that he will realize how unnecessary it is for him to continue attacking you as if you are still doing those things – that he will wake up and see the reality of the situation.

          I pray God will give you wisdom about how to handle the insults and hatred. Romans 12:17-21 may be a good place to focus. But then there also may be times when God may prompt you to say, “Okay, Honey. I want to hear your concerns, your needs, and your heart. But I am having a hard time hearing through the anger.” Or God may prompt you to say something else about his tone of voice or about respecting you. Or God may prompt you to wait. I don’t know – but I pray He will give you the wisdom you need!

          Thank you very much for this post. And YES! Men absolutely have a similar painful spiritual-contortion and stretching they have to go through on their own journey.

          Thank you so much for sharing! Sending you the biggest hug!

  9. Hi April,

    I hope I’m not to late on this one and I would really love other wives to help out with observations if they can too but my question is flip side – I need twenty three signs that my WIFE is trusting again. I could guess that they are the same but if I could outline some things and get your feed back because they are seriously confusing.

    We have been separated for just on a year. Six weeks ago my wife was really upset and accused me of having made no change, still deceitful, a liar etc. She said she saw no option but divorce as there was absolutely no hope. She said i had forced her to live with her parents and she was basically homeless. Whilst all this shocked me I then realized she was right and repented further as it really disturbed me how deep inside this pattern was within me. Since then I have noticed I am changing from within not just actions and words.

    I immediately told her I would move out and she said not to worry seeing as we would be selling the house??
    She then demanded I transfer the phone account out of her name like she demanded weeks ago. I did and left her the papers to sign two weeks ago and she hasn’t touched them??

    She has started ringing me, talking with me, smiling at me and regularly apologizing?? She seems like she is trying to help me but still talks about finding separate houses??

    We are now regularly talking about the children and she talks about how she feels frustrated or hurt by them??

    Another thing I noticed is that whilst she still seems quite angry the anger now seems to be directed towards outside professionals who haven’t been able to fix the marriage or even towards the children because they won’t support her.

    All this is seriously confusing – are these sign that my wife is trying to trust me or is it just weird…in some ways it was easier when there was a consistent level of hostility….can you please share your thoughts? if it is trust then what should I be doing to make it easier for her to talk with me and to trust me?

    1. Gary,

      I am glad you are seeking to change from within and permanently – for Christ.

      It seems like a good thing that she is talking with you, smiling at you, and apologizing often. And that she is confiding in you – I would think that means that trust is being rebuilt.

      I’m also glad that the anger doesn’t seem to be directed at you.

      She may be trying to figure things out and wavering back and forth? Is that possible?

      1. Thanks April,

        That really makes sense….especially the wavering back and forth thing. It really is very disconcerting…I made a very, very conscious decision to be really open, vulnerable, if you like, but that’s what Jesus does, and my wife is learning that I’m not judging or condemning her because my security is in Christ now not in my surroundings or wife even so I don’t need to take cheap shots at her expense. She is really hurting a lot right now so I just try and absorb that a bit…..I’ll let you know how it progresses by His Grace…..

        1. Gary,

          You can stay stable and unwavering on the Rock of Christ no matter what her emotions do. That will help her to settle more quickly, I believe.

          Praying for God’s wisdom for you, my brother! And for God’s clarity.

    2. Hi, Gary! Since you seem to be all ears to hear a woman’s perspective, I just thought I’d quickly write and throw some things out to consider… ๐Ÿ™‚

      Have you asked your wife specifically what she needs to see from you that would enable trust to start being rebuilt? Not in vague generalities, but really getting her to explain what would help her start to trust again. I’m sure you know this could lead to a painful conversation of you having to hear all of your shortcomings and failures so you might need to be prepared to listen to her without defending or getting angry. More apologies never hurt anything, either – maybe even asking her if there is any specific incident that she is really hurt by so you could listen to her hurt and ask for her forgiveness. Speaking from my standpoint, if I am very hurt, and my husband apologizes and asks for forgiveness, say at night…..and then apologizes again to me the next day or a couple of days later…..well, let me just say, that is beautiful because I know he really cares about what he’s done and about me and what his actions did. I say that because I think some people tend to think that if they say they are sorry one time, the incident is over, but I think good apologies go a looonnngg way.

      To me, it sounds like your wife is possibly having second thoughts. Especially if she has been apologizing more. Maybe God has started to work in her heart to see her sin, too. If that’s the case, she will be going through a huge internal struggle as the enemy will not be wanting that to happen. She will be at war in her mind and heart and her pride will be in the way (enough that she might be too proud right now to admit that she doesn’t want to pursue divorce). If that’s the case, you could always reassure her that you love her and it is not your desire to divorce. Depending on her reaction to you saying these things to her, you could increase talk like this if this is what she needs to feel more secure with you or you could only do it occasionally. IN other words, if she responds very favorably to you saying that, then she might be really hungry for those kinds of words from you. If not and it makes her withdraw, then statements more along the lines of “I don’t want to divorce you or pursue getting separate houses, but I know that I can’t control you, either. Ultimately, this is in your hands of what you want to do.”

      Since she is talking about the kids to you, I would say maybe the best thing you could do is to look for ways to support her in the problems she’s having. For me, this is a big one….I want my husband to be a strong moral force in my children’s lives, but I want to know that he is doing it with love and grace. Is your wife just wanting someone to listen or does she want your help and need your backup? Again, for me, I know I need and want my husband’s backup and help in a major way in this area. I don’t want to feel like it’s only me leading my children in learning the ways of God or in correcting poor character, etc. If my kids are saying things or doing things to hurt me, I definitely want my husband to rescue me. If you do speak to the kids, I think it’s appropriate to let her know that because otherwise, she won’t and in her mind, it will be as if you did nothing.

      As far as making it easier for your wife to trust you, I would say this. Listen without defending yourself or getting angry. Listen to hear her heart. Listen with patience and try to look past any remarks she makes that seem to be attacking you and see what it is about that particular thing that has hurt her. Affirm her in that, apologize and let her see that you are truly sorry for her pain. If it’s not sincere, she’ll know. So don’t feel compelled to apologize if it’s not sincere and you can’t do it genuinely. If she’s brought up something that you don’t feel is fair, tell her that you want to pray and think about what she’s said and then really do that. Go to God and ask for His perspective, be willing to humble yourself under His mighty hand and then re-address the issue with your wife as soon as possible. If you just ignore it and don’t bring it up again, it will feel to her that you don’t care about her enough to keep having hard conversations that will help you both grow in intimacy with each other.

      I write all this with no talk about things she should do because you are asking for you. Like April says, if one spouse is willing to lay their life down, it is usually enough for a marriage to heal. I pray that God gives you the grace to continue loving your life as He loves the Church.

      I think so many of us here are praying for you guys and looking forward to a day of reconciliation.

        1. Hi Jennifer,

          Thank you – that is super helpful. I haven’t pressed her at all to talk about us because I didn’t want to back her into a corner she may not be ready for. I once heard a guy called Todd White say why tell someone about your fruit just keep growing and let them pick the fruit in their time. She has had really good reason to doubt my word and would check and double check everything but I have noticed she is way more gracious than she has been for a very long time which is so exciting.

          I think you are right in regard to the kids, I was doing things to help them thinking it was the “right” thing to do and she actually said that she wanted to discuss things in regards to them which was again really nice.

          Her family came over the other day and I had to race to the computer and look up how to be gracious so thank God for google – it saved my bacon because i could have acted out of ignorance but Jesus was absolutely gracious at all times so i learned a lot there!! She also has a few divorced friends who always seem pretty angry and hostile towards me and they are actually smiling and talking to me as well which is seriously unsettling – they feel like smiling assassins to me but I know they have been hurt pretty badly by their own situations.

          I honestly have no expectation towards her with regards to change she may or may not need to make – that’s for her and the Lord to sort out but if He does I would certainly have empathy for her that’s for sure!

          What you and April have said is reassuring which is certainly what I need – I’m flying blind a lot of the time and want to make sure I don’t collide with a mountain !! She will make me something small like a sandwich or something but compliments towards her or anything personal still has a way to go…thank you again, thank you for your prayers – I feel like this advocate for women these days because when I finally, finally, finally understood how much trust women put in men and how damaging it is when that trust is broken I get on a bit of a mission for better understanding sometimes but I’m sure it works both ways….I

          1. Gary,

            Your experience sounds so much like a woman’s journey to become a godly wife – it requires MUCH study and prayer – and emotional/spiritual contortion to try to understand how men think. Men and women think SO differently. I always made straight As and was an honor’s student, went to pharmacy college on a full scholarship. I could understand chemistry, algebra, calculus, physics, English, music, biology – and all of these things. But it took me 2.5 years to begin to feel like I had any clue how to avoid disrespect and how to respect my husband – and it was another year before I began to feel “almost fluent.”

            I had to throw out everything I thought I knew about relating to men and to my husband and start from scratch as if I knew nothing.

            Now – I feel like an advocate for men – trying to translate their behaviors and actions so that wives can better understand. I love that you are now feeling like an advocate for women. THAT IS AWESOME! We need more translators! ๐Ÿ™‚

            Thank you so much for sharing! I pray for God’s continued wisdom and healing for you both! ๐Ÿ™‚

          2. April,

            This is a tough reply but my wife said today that she did not want me to think that just because she was now being kind that it altered her position. I asked her if she still wanted to get divorced and she said she did.

            It was really confusing because not less than thirty minutes before that I had been sitting in the yard thinking I am absolutely head over heels in love with my wife! So I REALLY don’t understand how all this works and I have no idea where to go from here….

            Everybody knows that I feel this way and that I would do anything necessary to be a better husband – I really don’t understand this!!

            DO I give up….my children are adults but they are already really affected, divorce even for non-Christians, is the thing you do when there is no hope, for Christians we all understand God’s position and He is the God of absolute reconciliation…I would have nearly a hundred people who have seen the changes in me and have been so excited for me to be reconciled to my beautiful wife…how does this work?

          3. Gary,

            I can understand why this is very confusing. I’m glad that your wife is being kind to you. That is awesome! But how heartbreaking that she wants to go through with the divorce.

            I encourage wives to do what God calls them to do to be godly wives regardless of their husbands’ feelings at the moment. God is ultimately sovereign, not our spouses. Feelings can change. God can change hearts.

            I don’t know exactly what that means God desires you to do. But I do know it will involve abiding in Christ, being filled with His Spirit, seeking to be the man and husband He calls you to be, and being faithful to Him and to your wife.

            I assume you let her know that you don’t want a divorce and that you believe God can heal the marriage?

            I believe God can give you wisdom about whether to give her more space or to continue to pursue her. For a wife in this situation, I would suggest giving her husband more space out of respect for his decision. But for a husband in this situation, a wife may respond to him pursuing her and not giving up – but other times, it may be best to give her space. I don’t know what is best in this situation – but I know God can lead you!

            I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and His healing for you both and for reconciliation for your marriage, my brother!

  10. Hi April,
    I was reading an older post, saying there are 23 signs when a husband is beginning to trust his wife again…
    I was wondering if that pertains to divorced man as well or is there a different set of signs when womans begin to trust their husbands again…
    I am an adulterous husband even though I didn’t go all the way with the woman, I did have them do things to me that makes me an adulterer…
    I was married 40 years, my wife divorce me because of my infidelity… I need her back in my life she’s my air I can’t breathe, I love her so, she’s a good Christian girl…
    I just didn’t think that she really cared about me anymore, now she hates me… she says she doesn’t hate me and she says she forgives me, but I don’t believe that for one second…
    I think that’s her way of getting around her sin of unforgiveness, bitterness and hatred I am so repetitive, I haven’t been with anybody other than her since October 2012, she divorced September 2014…
    I have remained alone all this time and so has she…and I truly believe her…
    She’s always so closed mouth to me now… She doesn’t share any of her feelings or thoughts with me…
    I have truly repented,I am with the Lord everyday begging him mercy to bring my wife back to me… he knows how much I love her…
    I guess she doesn’t want me to know anything about her life anymore.. she shares nothing with me…
    We did see each other Christmas day with the kids they’re all older now, and we had a lot of fun… One of the presents II gave her was a roll of toilet paper and some feminine laxatives, with a note telling her God gave them to me as part of her healing process so she could expel her bitterness and hatred towards me and if it didn’t work to repeat it and often as needed… And she laughed so hard she thought that was so funny and then at the table before dinner I prayed and I prayed that her heart was soft and for me and then she would return to me and we will reconcile our marriage in Jesus name and she said AMEN…
    I can’t tell you what that amen meant to me I took that as a sign of hope. but maybe I’m just a fool just an old fool… but, anyways I haven’t heard a word from her since…
    She still isn’t answering my emails or phone calls, she sits at home with our son after work, they both work around the house and she sews and knits and crafty things as she’s always done…
    Its been 2 years of Hell for me..
    I would want to think for her too, but she said she’s happy now, I’m just so confused…how can she be so happy when, I am so so miserable, depressed, filled with anguish and so lonely, longing to hear her voice and feel her touch and smell her. ..
    Is there any signs that you can tell me from a woman’s perspective as to when she’s beginning to trust or will she never trust me again… I’m 64 now, while running out of time life is a vapor this seems so foolish…
    I am truly a repentive man … I would think that she would open her arms wide and say welcome home Joey welcome back…
    I and my children don’t want to remain this way the rest of our lives… it seem so sad she only thinks of the bad times in our marriage and never thinks of all the fun good time we all had as family…
    I am here now for I am a new creation…
    I don’t drink I don’t smoke I don’t gamble I don’t commit adultery anymore…
    All I needed was one more chance to prove myself to her and God, if anybody can give me a glimmer of hope, I sure would appreciate it…
    I’m in such total despair even though I have Jesus in my life, everyone says trust in Jesus and I try so hard, but I’m just so losted without her… She’s all I’ve known, I love her so… she was my gift from God, she still is my gift from God in my heart…
    Jesus comes first, I know that now, but if a spouse comes second… then I should have been second to God and her life too… Why doesn’t she come back to me… she knows Jesus despised divorce why would you ever knowingly purposely after thinking about it, do something that he despised, and call yourself a Christian seems hypocritical to me…
    I think she’s making Jesus look bad, as I was, if she would come back to me for being a truly repentant man…
    I think that would make Jesus look good to my family to my friends, to the Christian skeptics, to the non-believers to the whole world and expecially to the devil himself, which destroyed my marriage… he’s laughing now because he got our marriage he’s laughing because he’s destroyed a covenant of God… But, if she returned to me and reconciled and reunited with me as my wife again… That would make us to and two are stronger than one, two strands of cord are stronger than one and with Jesus that makes three strands…
    The devil would be laughing out of the other side of his face cuz we put him right back in his place, HELL, where he belongs…
    That’s what I want and Jesus wants for me and my wife… I’m a christian man now…
    I wanna be that man she prayed for me to be her whole life….Yes, her whole she prayed and hoped that I would turn into this Christian man and now I have become that Christian man and she rejects me…
    How foolish is that ? Praying to God for your spouse to come to Jesus and have a relationship with him and be the man of her dreams and she still rejects me…. It just doesn’t make sense….there has to be a happy ending, to this insanity, There has to a happy ending to this story…
    It’s biblical like Hosea and Gomer like the prodigal son…she has to come back, she has too…
    It’s God’s will, He teaches us from Genesis to Revelations… Repentance Forgiveness and Reconciliation, Thoses are his words not mine….
    Joe

    1. Joe,

      I certainly hear and feel the deep pain in your words. It sounds like your wife responded well to you at Christmas. I don’t know her heart. I am not sure why she is not answering now. Does she feel too smothered or pressured? I am not sure. I am praying for healing for you both individually and as a couple.

  11. Hi April…I started seeing a couple of these signs. Things were going great until I got upset about a situation and I acted like I used to. By the way I was just like you with my husband, I was very disrespectful and controlling. Well
    After that it’s as if my husband shut down again. My question is how exactly do you regain their trust? I feel like we have no friendship, no intimacy, we only talk about the kids, bills, daily life things but never about his true feelings, sometimes I feel like if we didn’t have any kids we would be total strangers with nothing to talk about. It’s sad really

    1. mrsbal84,

      We all experience setbacks like that. As you continue to grow stronger spiritually in Christ, you will find that these things tend to happen less and less often and that you both recover more quickly. Apologize without justifying your behavior. And then continue to allow God to transform you. Let him continue to see the new, godly attitudes in you. This takes a lot of time. There really aren’t short cuts. Continue to do what God asks you to do just to please Him not to try to change your husband. Think about blessing your husband and bringing joy to God – leave the results in God’s hands. Be willing to do this for the rest of your life, even if you don’t see the results you want. Just seek to obey, love, honor, and trust God – and to allow Him to pour healing through you into the marriage.

      Are there things your husband is interested in? Sports, hunting, etc? Perhaps you can talk with him about things like that in a friendly, non-pressuring way. Just be a friend. The talking about feelings thing comes much later. After he feels safe again. It took my husband about 3.5 years into my journey before he felt that safe with me. If he likes jokes, research some jokes to share. Start with surface kinds of things that make him smile or that he enjoys. You are rebuilding trust. It takes time to heal wounds and for a man to feel that he can take his walls of self-protection down again.

      Much love to you!

        1. Mrsbal84,

          There is no better place to be spiritually than this – to desire to please God above all else. I pray you will rest in Christ and allow His Spirit to work powerfully in you. ๐Ÿ™‚

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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