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Preparing Our Hearts for “Through a Man’s Eyes” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross


REMINDER: You may want to join me on Facebook at Peacefulwife Blog for extra insights, prayers, and thoughts to bless your walk with Christ and your marriage. ๐Ÿ™‚ (The link is on the right column of my blog.)

Shaunti Feldhahn is one of my favorite authors.

She is a social researcher and Christian author who does large scale, statistically accurate surveys of thousands of men and women (especially those who profess Christ) to discover how we think and relate to each other. Her book, “For Women Only,” was the book that most helped me begin to understand men in general – and was a fantastic place to start to begin to understand my own husband. It gave me frame of reference to begin to have some amazing discussions with Greg about his masculine world, his perspective, the way he thinks, and the issues he faces as a man.

For lots of women, much of the information Shaunti shares from her surveys of men about how they think – is new information that we didn’t ever understand or even hear much about before. It can be a bit overwhelming to process at first for some of us.

The point of learning about how our men think is that we might be better informed, equipped, and empowered to BLESS our husbands, our marriages, our sons, and to please the Lord. The goal is to draw us closer together – not to tear marriages apart.

I have seen some women who read “For Women Only” and completely freak out – permanently withdrawing from their husbands and every man on the planet. These panic/fear-based responses are not God’s desire for us!

One of the reasons Shaunti teamed up with Craig Gross (pastor and founder of – a Christ-centered site to help those who are addicted to pornography or lust) is to explain what it means that men are “visual” in a bit more detail – and to better equip us as women to respond in HEALTHY, productive, godly ways to this information. That is what I want for each of us.

If you believe that you are not able to read about this topic without freaking out in a destructive way – I would encourage you NOT to read my review or Shaunti’s book until you have prayed and believe you are emotionally and spiritually stable enough to read about this. And, if you are not handling this topic well – please seek appropriate godly counseling (in person, one-on-one) to help walk you through this.

  • There are resources at and that may be helpful, as well.

Rememeber – each man is unique.

There is a continuum of how much men struggle with visual temptation just like there is a continuum with how much women struggle with PMS. For some women, PMS barely exists at all. For some, it is an inconvenience and a hassle for a few days or a week or so each month. For others, it is devastating and destructive to all of their relationships.

Shaunti’s book, “For Women Only,” opened the door for me to bridge a large gap of misunderstanding that I didn’t even realize I had.

I used to think that everyone thought just like I did – regardless of personality or gender. Now I understand that men and women have very different brain structure and brain chemistry – which makes a large impact on how we think and what we think. And, of course, there is room for lots of individual variation between different people, as well.


Admittedly, the issue of the struggles and temptations men face (especially battles that are different from the ones we primarily face as women) is probably one of the most difficult topics for women. The enemy doesn’t want us to understand, empathize with, or offer grace to our husbands in their masculine struggles. He doesn’t want our men to understand, empathize with, or offer grace to us in our ย feminine struggles either. Our adversary wants to continue to create division, resentment, bitterness, and hatred between men and women, husbands and wives.

The hallmark of believers of Christ is that we have God’s Spirit. And when His Spirit is in charge, not our sinful flesh, we will have His unconditional love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), His Spirit of unity, His peace, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, and His power in our midst. THAT is the goal, my dear sisters!



How I pray that You mightย prepare each of our hearts to be soft, humble, fully submitted to You, willing to hear Your truth, and receptive to anything You want to share with us as we study the topic of how men think and theย temptations they face. Help us remember that each of these men are dearly beloved sons of yours for whom Christ died – or they are wayward sons for whom Christ died and You long to receive them to Yourself.

Together, we lift up every reader of mine and of Shaunti’s who will read about this topic and who will read this book – that the Holy Spirit might work ahead of time in her soul – and that God might use these difficult discussions to break down barriers, bridge the large gap of misunderstanding between men and women/husbands and wives – and bring healing to the Body of Christ, to marriages, to families, and to relationships all over His church in our country and around the world. Stop divorces in Your Body, Lord! Heal wounded marriages. Heal broken wives and broken husbands. Reconcile marriages and strengthen them by Your Spirit’s power to properly display the mystery of Christ and His church for the glory of Your Gospel! I pray that with our increased understanding and knowledge, that we might use this information for GOOD in our homes and churches as You desire us to.

In the Name and power of Christ,


One of the most heartbreaking things I read in Shaunti’s new book is the sentiment that that many Christian men in our culture today feel guilty – just for having a male brain.

This should not be! My precious sisters! What a tragic thing that our fathers, our husbands, our brothers, and our sons may feel that they are “wrong” just for being men. Being masculine is a great blessing from God! Sin is wrong. But being masculine in and of itself is not a sin – it is a gift! Just like being feminine is a blessing and is not a sin.

Our culture has been trying to squeeze men into a feminine mindset for many decades now. We have labeled many ways that men think, talk, and act as “wrong.” We have demanded – in our marriages, in our families, our businesses, our schools, and in our churches – that men/boys should think, talk, and act like women/girls. We have all been marinating in the idea that “women are spiritually/morally superior to men” and that women’s sins are not as bad as men’s sins.

These ideas are not biblical!

We are ALL equally sinful before a holy God. We ALL equally and desperately need the blood of Christ to cover our awful sins that grieve God’s heart. We are ALL on level ground at the foot of the cross. None of us are “better than” the other. If we think we are, that is pride and self-righteousness – which are both sins. We each have certain ways we are designed that we can’t really change – but because of sin – we are more vulnerable to temptation in certain areas. But all sin grieves God’s heart. Women are not superior to men. Men are not superior to women.

God made men and women both in His image (Genesis 2). We are of equal value in Christ (Galatians 3:28). He made our differences to be a GOOD thing and to be a reflection of Christ and the church. We are not the same – and we can thank and praise God for that! We need godly masculinity and godly femininity – and the two are VERY different! How I pray we will learn to celebrate the wondrous differences between men and women and how God can bring a man and woman together in unity in marriage for His glory!

I long for men to feel safe and supported being masculine as God intends them to be and I long for women to feel safe and supported being feminine as God intends them to be in our families and the church. How I pray we will all seek to understand one another and to support each other where each is weak, encouraging and spurring one another on toward Christ and holiness!


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46 thoughts on “Preparing Our Hearts for “Through a Man’s Eyes” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross

  1. Thanks for suggesting this book, along with its companion, “For Women Only.”

    One of the biggest struggles I have with my wife is this unbreakable idea that everyone thinks just like she does. She projects her womanly perception onto my actions, and interprets them very uncharitably, often assuming the worst. “For Men Only” opened my eyes to how women think, and the more we can all understand one another, the better. It helped me wrap my mind around behavior that I would find very aggressive actually being a cry for help.

    I largely blame feminism and this idea of “equality” being redefined. Like you said, we all have equal human dignity and are equal in the eyes of God, however “equal” doesn’t mean “same.” We’re not the same, it’s as simple as that.

    1. AnonyMan,

      I thought men and women had the exact same ways of thinking, feeling, processing, priorities, and needs for many years. It never occurred to me that we were different. I had listened to the culture’s lies that “men and women are the same” or that “men and women SHOULD be the same – meaning – men should change to be more like women.” It was not even a conscious thing – it was just a fixed belief that I absorbed and didn’t question. I did exactly what you are describing your wife as doing. I had no concept that anyone COULD think differently from me – and if they did think differently from how I thought, “they are just wrong.” I had no grace for other personalities or ways of looking at life. And I had no ability to get to the point where I could have grace for others because my fixed beliefs were “this is how it is.” When I built my life, my beliefs, my relationship with God and with my husband on lies – things were a mess. But I couldn’t even understand why. I had that one paradigm that made sense to me – and I tried to stuff everything in that paradigm no matter what. But it was wrong. No wonder there was so much pain in my life and in our marriage. No wonder my husband felt so defeated and misunderstood.

      This basic misunderstanding at the most fundamental level is creating destruction and chaos in our marriages and relationships! If we as women cannot accept or acknowledge that men are different from us emotionally, spiritually, and in other ways – if we expect or demand that they be women – we are all doomed to total failure in our relationships.

      It is so very important for us to learn to understand how the other gender thinks – or we will make all kinds of wrong assumptions and we will base our actions, feelings, thoughts, and responses to our spouses on lies. That does not end well.

      I agree – feminism has taught us these ideas and they are just not true. If we can allow women to be the women God created them to be and we can allow men to be the men God created them to be and we can accept the differences graciously – what an incredible step that would be toward unity!

      Thank you so much for sharing.

      1. I love the choice of the word “grace” in your reply. It is not my intent to be accusatory in describing something, but ungracious is a word that goes through my mind when my wife treats me like a woman.

        We have an ongoing point of pain – the details are irrelevant – but this activity is very important to her. I can never participate because of the way it is scheduled annually. Finally, an opportunity arose where I could participate. Because of years of misunderstanding and uncharitable interpretation on her part (of my intentions and where my heart is loyal), this opportunity to show her that I love her and will participate was wasted. She was already angry for something else, came to me and said:

        “Me and (my son) are going to the X on this day to celebrate something. You can go if you want, too.”

        I paused… began to think about my work schedule, was processing the dynamics of the situation. In reality, I’ve wanted to participate in this activity for years to show her that I love her and that it’s important to me, but I needed a moment to think and arrive at that conclusion. I don’t LIKE the activity, but I would do it anyway for her to show her that I love her.

        Anyway, while I’m thinking, literally less than 10 seconds later, she stated “Nevermind, you hesitated. I don’t even want you to go.”

        I’m not trying to complain about her, because I love her, but the word “grace” brought that to my mind. That was very ungracious, giving me mere moments to make the “right” decision for her. Now, she continues to carry the emotional baggage of “if he loved me, then he would have… X” and now I have to deal with a woman who is insecure because she thinks I don’t love her – even though I do. All because of a lack of giving your spouse grace.

        Charitable interpretation is such a gift you can give your spouse. It’s like giving them the opportunity to really love you and allowing yourself to be loved.

        1. AnonyMan,

          Oh goodness!

          You are describing ME again!

          I used to believe that everyone could/should answer questions immediately – because I always did. I didn’t understand that some people – like my husband – need time to process. I remember asking him things about what he wanted to do that night – and when he didn’t answer within 15 seconds, I would start to get angry. One time, I did wait for about 15 minutes – and by the end of that time I was ready to blow a gasket because I couldn’t FATHOM what his problem was that he couldn’t answer a simple question!?!?! I was so impatient. I seriously had zero clue that Greg needed more time to think than I did. It seems so simple now that I understand what he needs. I seriously believed he had evil motives toward me and didn’t love me and was purposely refusing to answer just to hurt me.

          What a blessing to find out that we are truly different. He doesn’t have evil motives toward me. He just needs time to process. When God allowed me to see this – I felt awful for my wrong assumptions all those years. But what a blessing! I can easily extend grace now – knowing that this is how he is wired and how he processes decisions. It is different from my way of thinking – but it is not wrong.

          I wonder if it might be helpful if husbands explain to their wives that they need a bit of time to process decisions and that hesitating doesn’t mean that they don’t want to do something? I wish Greg had been able to explain that to me. Not sure if I could have understood or not back then.

          Praying for wisdom for you both and for healing for this destructive and unnecessary misunderstanding, my brother! Thank you for sharing. I believe that what you have shared will bless many wives and marriages.

          1. That’s why I was drawn to your blog. Even Google agreed that your posts were really about my lovely wife. Haha, God bless, have a wonderful weekend. Thanks for helping me decode my wife.

            1. AnonyMan,

              I don’t know if this helps – but – if she is like I was, she seriously has no idea how she is coming across or that she is causing you pain. If she is like I was – it was not at all purposeful – all of the damage and disrespect I did to my husband. I was totally blind to it. All I could see was my own pain and what he was doing that hurt me.

              I was trapped in these wrong ideas, thinking patterns, and mindsets. And I didn’t know there was any other way to think. When God opened my eyes to my sin and my husband’s pain – I was absolutely mortified and wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life. I couldn’t believe I had hurt him so much and didn’t even know it all of those years. I begged God to let us both live long enough for me to try to make things up to him and for me to understand what on earth it mean to be a godly wife and how to respect and honor him properly.

              I WISH Greg had tried to explain some of these things to me. Or that he had told me I hurt him. Or that I had disrespected him. I don’t know if I could have heard him. But he said nothing – and that just gave me a free pass to continue my destructive ways unchecked. Not a blessing for either of us.

              May God bring healing to you, your wife, and your marriage. ๐Ÿ™‚ And may He fill you with His love, wisdom, strength, and direction as you seek to love and lead your wife and family in a way that honors and pleases Him.

              1. I would say that it is always “worth a shot” to explain to your wife how you feel, and why we engage in certain behaviors.

                Whether she’s ready to hear it or not isn’t up to us, though. You write a lot about how Greg’s personality is passive. I’m not passive, I’m pretty assertive. When you describe how he would “shut down” it doesn’t always match my personality (like you say, we’re all unique). Usually I’ll explain my side or what I’m thinking, and she’ll argue with me instead of giving me grace. If I explain myself, she’ll call it an “excuse.” Then the argument snowballs out of control as neither of us back down.

                So yes, it’s good to try, but a spouse isn’t always ready to listen.

                One time I made the mistake of calling her “self centered.” I don’t remember what book I read this (Feldhahn? Dr. Laura?), but men tend to try to use their vocabulary very sharply and deliberately, like a scalpel. I, quite literally, meant “an overly conscious worry about oneself – naval gazing.”

                What she heard was an entirely different matter. She heard “selfish, materialistic, etc.”

                Having made the mistake of using that word that cut her so deeply, now I have the original argument, plus the new wound. She’ll use words very loosely trying to convey emotion. Quite the opposite of me, she speaks in hyperbole when she wants to tell me something. “He always does this” or “You never do that.”

                The best bet there is to let the hurtful black & white language to fly by, and understand that she’s speaking in hyperbole. I wish she’d curtail that language a bit because I find it very unhelpful, but if I were to suggest that, then she would be “insulted.”

                Anyway, I’m rambling, but just going on more and more about how valuable it is to actually LEARN about your spouse, how they are different, and how to communicate to your spouse, because they OUGHT to be very special, and they OUGHT to get better treatment than any other person on the planet. This person should be your confidant, not your opponent.

              2. AnonyMan,

                Greg and I talked about your comments today over supper tonight. I asked him what he thought we could do to encourage and equip men – to give them hope. He shared a few things he did try to explain to me in the past. But I couldn’t understand. I wanted to understand him – but some of it went over my head. I told him the thing about a wife only waiting 10 seconds for an answer, and the husband needing time to process – and he said, “Oh, you were the worst about that!” Yep. I really was. He did try to tell me before that if there was something I had been thinking about all day – it wasn’t good for me to assume I knew his response and to be mad at him before he even had a chance to respond – which I often did. And he said it wasn’t really fair that I had been thinking about an issue all day long and then jumped on him with a question as soon as I got home, expecting him to answer in a few seconds. I remember him saying these things. But I was missing so much information about how he thought – that it didn’t really register with me. I still didn’t get how long he needed to process. Or why he needed more time. Or that what I was expecting was unreasonable.

                I agree – a husband can and should share – but a wife may not be able to hear until God works in her heart.

                I, too, was very contentious. But I wouldn’t have thought of myself as “arguing.” I am sure that is strange to picture. But – I “knew” that Greg was “wrong.” So I was trying to get him to understand the “right way” of thinking about things. ๐Ÿ™ Yikes! I felt that being right was the most important thing – and didn’t realize that I was putting little issues above God and my husband and our marriage by doing what I did. I was determined that we did what I believed was “right” because I was “the more spiritually mature one” and Greg “couldn’t hear God” like I could. So it was my responsibility (in my mind) to make him understand “reason” and to convince him to do things my way – because I knew what was best and he didn’t. And because I didn’t grasp the sovereignty of God – I truly believed that all of the things that happened in our lives were my responsibility. I also believed other people were my responsibility and that it was my duty to make things happen “correctly.”


                Now – of course, I can see that I had SELF on the throne instead of Christ. I can see the pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, control, bitterness, resentment, etc… But I could not see it at all for those 14+ years.

                I, too, had very black and white thinking. “This is definitely sin. That is definitely right.” I expected Greg to have the same personal convictions as I did. Well, I expected everyone to have the same personal convictions I did – because I was “right.” I didn’t see myself as speaking in hyperbole – although I am sure I did. I saw the things I said as being accurate.

                I often saw Greg as being my enemy. If he didn’t agree with me – if he was “wrong” in my eyes – he was my opponent. In my view – he made himself my opponent for not agreeing with me. Because I was “right.” So if he had any other viewpoint, it was “not of God” and “wrong.” And the only answer was, “he needed to change.”

                Lord, how I thank You for opening my eyes! Oh what a terrible place we would be if You left me in my sin!

                Yes – there is such blessing and healing in learning about our spouses. Yes! I want all spouses to know they are special and to be treated very well by each of us!

                Thank you so much for sharing!

              3. Thanks for what you do. I feel like I vented on your page today, and this should be more geared for the lovely ladies you have on here. God bless you & Greg, and the ministry you provide here. Just pray for my wife. She has a wonderfully good heart deep down.

              4. Anonyman,

                I am sure your wife loves you with all her heart. I think that when God helps her to see – she will be pretty shocked at what she hasn’t been seeing.

                I will pray for God to work in her heart for His glory and that He might draw her closer to Himself and sanctify her for His good purposes right now. ๐Ÿ™‚

        2. Just a helpful tip: When your wife asks you about something of this nature, begin talking out loud right away regarding the thoughts you are working through
          “That sounds great! I really want to go. The only reason I couldn’t would be if there was something that I was unable to reschedule in order to do so. Let me look at my calendar to make sure it can work for me. I will make it a priority to try and make this happen.”

            1. I appreciate your helpful spirit. Unfortunately, and with all due respect, that would land me in hot water. I would be blurting out things like:
              This is a trap.
              What is the answer you want to hear?
              Crap, I have responsibilities and you want me to choose you over those.
              Can I somehow accomplish both?

              Being measured and deliberate is safer and smarter.

              1. Anonyman,

                I don’t know that I would suggest saying EVERYTHING you are thinking. ๐Ÿ™‚ But maybe, “I want to make this work – let me think for a minute and get right back with you.” ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Tricia,

      Of course I will pray!

      How is your walk going with Christ, my dear sister?

      Do you have a clear sense of what God is calling you to do to honor Him and your husband in this situation?

      Much love to you!

    1. elovesc35,

      You are most welcome. I am thankful God allows me this incredible opportunity and I am grateful for the healing He is doing among us.

      May God bring us as men and women together in the power of His Spirit of unity, love, understanding, compassion, and grace that the gospel might be greatly honored. May God’s beautiful design for masculinity and femininity flow from our marriages and draw precious lost sons and daughters to Christ and His Kingdom! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Oh boy! I don’t know if I should read this. I read the first chapter and it was hard. I have read “For Women Only” and was devastated. I remember thinking “WHY would anyone write this? It’s as if they are determined to destroy marriages.” It confuses me that so many people love that book.

    It left me feeling, why do men even get married? Why don’t they just stay single and look and think to their hearts content? I found it very confusing that Shaunti wrote in her book that husbands wish their wives knew how much they loved their wives. Bologna. The two don’t, and cannot, go together. Does my husband love me? Sure. He loves his mom, his aunt, and his sister, too. Does he love me more than all other women?Nope. I don’t believe it.

    Maybe I’m wrong. I wish I was. I wish I could understand this better. But when he tells me he loves me, it gets on my nerves! Because I think he’s lying. When he tells me I’m pretty, well, I know he says that because it’s what he’s “supposed” to say. Don’t get me wrong. I know there are attractive women everywhere. I know there are women prettier than me. I don’t need to be the prettiest. I just wish he found me pretty, too. I wish I were more special to him than every gorgeous woman he sees every day. However, that is pretty much impossible for me to believe.

    @Anonyman, I can kind of relate to your wife. I HATE it when my husband hesitates. Or worse yet, when he says, “I don’t know what to say.” How on earth can you not know what to say? Say what’s on your mind. I hate when he says “I don’t know.” To me that’s a cop out answer. Maybe he does need more processing time. April, I think I have the problem you used to have. I expect him to think and reply as quickly as I do.

    Also @Anonyman, I totally get the attending the activity thing. Work is my husband’s passion. Work has always come first. He is trying to get better at not always putting work first, but he still usually does. So when he says he will attend an activity with us that in the past would have always taken a backseat to work, it’s hard to believe. It’s foreign to me. He gets upset if I seem weirded out by the fact that he says he’s going to attend. But it’s hard to get used to change, and when someone has always chosen work over you, it’s easier to assume they don’t want to be with you.

    I’m not saying your wife is right, nor am I saying I’m right. We could very well both be wrong. I’m just saying I understand where she’s coming from. On the other hand, you’ve given me a lot to think about.

    April, great post as always! Thank you for the warning. I’m not sure I’m ready for this book right now.

    1. Becca,

      My DEAR friend and sister!!! You continue to be deceived greatly by the enemy – this breaks my heart!!! I am praying specifically for God to break the bondage you are in this weekend. And that He will show you how to take the first step.

      If you are willing to replace your wrong thinking with godly thinking – the book is actually a blessing. If you are determined to hang on to your wrong thinking and you try to read it through discolored “lenses” in your mind – then it would be destructive for you to read it.

      We would all love for our husbands to have empathy with us about our struggles and issues as women. Why do our husbands not need the same consideration from us?

      We have had enough conversations about your husband for me to feel very confident that your husband DOES indeed mean it when he tells you that you are pretty. You tend to choose to believe your teenage sister’s lies from when you were a young teenager 20 years ago over your husband’s words about your looks. You have even described yourself to me in general terms – and it is obvious to me from your description that you are beautiful! It seems pretty clear to me that your sister was jealous of your looks and beauty. And yet – you have chosen to allow those evil voices to be your truth when it comes to your body image. You cherish these lies. You love them. You are terrified to get rid of them. You seem to want to stay in this awful prison rather than leave – even though the door is wide open and Jesus has broken your shackles. I wish that I could erase those untrue thoughts from your mind – because they are wrong, they are destructive, and they cause division and pain in your marriage and family. But you will have to be the one to choose to trash those hateful insults and choose to embrace the truth about yourself, your appearance, God’s love, your husband’s love, and your husband’s attraction to you.

      Are you going to allow an angry/jealous sister to determine the truth about you – who had evil motives, or are you going to allow the God and husband who love you to determine the truth about you in your heart and mind? Why are this girl’s words absolute truth – not God’s and not your husband’s words? Why do you bow down to what she said wrongly about you – still to this day as a grown woman? Would you want your children to receive insults from classmates or siblings as the absolute truth upon which they should build their lives? Of course not!

      I can’t begin to imagine the frustration of being a husband who is truly greatly attracted to his wife – and yet she won’t receive his love or attraction and calls him a liar all the time. What a miserable situation that would be. ๐Ÿ™ For the wife, the husband, and everyone in the family.

      I would love to see you choose to believe God’s Word and your husband – even though what they say is the opposite of what your sister said to you a long time ago. I know the lies have been really comfortable. But they are destroying your soul, they are hurtful to your marriage, and they are toxic to your children, as well. Maybe this week would be the perfect time to ditch the lies of the enemy for good!

      I believe you are wrong about your thinking about yourself and your husband’s thinking. I believe your understanding is still very, very skewed and distorted.

      What if you decide to trash what you think you know about your husband’s love and his attraction for you and all of the boxes you have put him in and all of the boxes you have put yourself in about your worth, your appearance, and your lovability – and start from scratch. Receive God’s love and truth. Receive your husband’s love and truth. What a gift that would be to your husband! What a gift it would be to yourself and to your children!

      You got upset when I talked about that the lies you believe are toxic to your children last year. But your precious children are picking up on everything you are saying to yourself – every single one of the lies – and they will tell themselves the same lies, too. These lies are NOT of God. They are of Satan. The father of lies. You have a powerful influence on our children. Choose to reject the lies, my precious sister! Ask God to help you do this! HE will do it! Model TRUTH for them! Experience the abundant LIFE, joy, peace, fulfillment, security, and contentment that Jesus offers you! Don’t allow the enemy to rob you of the things Jesus has given you. No one can take away His gifts from you. Unless you let them.

      Your husband is still with you – in spite of the way you have treated him all of these years and the fact that you won’t believe him that he thinks you are beautiful and that he is attracted to you. You have an amazing man. When will you stop believing all of the junk – get rid of all of that – and receive the amazing blessings that you already possess? We have been having this same conversation for what now – a year and a half? It is time for you to take action, my dear sister! It is time to forsake the ungodly, unbiblical, untrue paradigms you have believed for 20 years or more. It is time to lay them before God on the altar and never pick them up again. It is time to pick up God’s truth and Life. You are the only one who can choose this for yourself. You can continue on in lies and misery – creating misery for your family, too. Or you can reject these familiar lies and embrace the unfamiliar truth and experience God’s amazing healing.

      My sister had a lot of similar lies in her mind for over 30 years. But in the past year, God has healed her of them. Her word for this year is “receive.” “I will receive good things from God.” “I will receive good things from my husband.” “I will receive the good things in life.” Maybe that would be a good word for you, as well?

      Please don’t read the review of Shaunti’s book or her book until you deal with the issues in your heart and are willing to openly embrace God’s truth even though it seems very foreign to what you have thought all of these years. If you read about it now, you will hear a distorted, twisted, messed up message – not what Shaunti is actually saying.

      I want you to hear what she is TRULY saying – but I agree that you are not ready. You still haven’t taken the steps necessary to heal. I pray God might empower you to see with His eyes and to recognize how toxic your thoughts are and how wrong they are and how beautiful His truth is. Seek His truth, His healing, His love, and His power in your life! You don’t have to stay in these lies one more day!

      I love you and want you to experience the Holy Spirit filling you to overflowing and the abundant life God has for you that Jesus has already died to give you. The riches of heaven are yours. But you will have to let go of the ungodly ways of thinking and clear that space out in your mind, heart, and soul with God’s help – to be able to access all that is already yours! I will be with you and glad to help you as you take these steps. They seem scary at first – but I promise, His way is infinitely better than what you are living right now. You have total control over this choice. You can choose misery, fear, and feeling abandoned and unloved – or you can choose acceptance, security, real love, real life and everything you keep saying that you want. It is already yours!

      Much love to you! I want GOOD things for you!


      1. Ladies who are struggling with lies, please, please read Lies Women Believe – and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. That is a great place to begin to heal IF you are ready to truly ditch the sinful ways of thinking and the unbiblical mindsets that have been tormenting you and you are ready to embrace the truth of God’s Word. I have even used that book with my children in an attempt to catch the lies as early as possible. The longer we embrace, nurture and cherish sinful thinking and lies – the more difficult they are to rip out of our hearts and minds. But it CAN be done! We need God’s help. But He can absolutely do this!

        He has done it for hundreds of women on this blog alone. He can do it for you if you will trust Him and allow Him total access to work and you fully submit yourself to Him as Lord.

        Those who have not received the mercy, grace, forgiveness, power, and Spirit of Christ do not have these things to give to others. May we each receive Christ and His gifts toward us – and then we will have the ability to give these things to our husbands and everyone else in our lives.

      2. Good Morning April,

        I am so sorry that I make you so frustrated. I am grateful that you have been such a faithful friend. This is why I refrain from commenting most of the time, because I do not want to frustrate you or others, and I don’t want to bring negativity to your blog.

        There are so many thoughts in my head that I don’t share, because I don’t want to cause others to stumble. When I started reading marriage blogs a few years ago, I came upon many ideas that were very destructive. (not on your blog, of course, but on some others). Things I had never even thought of. Things that I was shocked to learn. I started to absorb these bloggers and commenters opinions and they only added misery to my situation. I shared with a friend and she looked into a few, and it turns out a few were way off and she advised me to stop reading. Your blog is one of the very few my husband and I feel is safe and edifying. I don’t want to be the commenter that puts rotten ideas in the head of another struggling woman, and so I hold back a lot. I’m so sorry if my sharing is counterproductive.

        I’m a lot different in everyday life than I am here. I mean, I don’t usually go around saying these things out loud. I have learned to keep a lot inside, especially if it may be destructive.

        I do think, and I think I my husband may agree, that I’ve become more respectful over the past couple years. I say far, far, far less than I used to. I’ve learned just because I’m feeling something doesn’t mean I have to tell him, and sometimes it helps to wait, pray, and think about my emotions before running with them. My emotions are often wrong. So dealing with them before spewing them out is a good thing. These are all GOOD things.

        I feel like you are angry with me, and I apologize for that. It has never been my intention to cause strife or to make you feel angry. Your ministry is very important to me and countless other women.

        My husband IS wonderful, and I thank God we are still together. I think you may have the wrong impression that he has never made any mistakes. I have forgiven him much (as he has forgiven me much) but we are both still major works in progress. I have stood by him through a lot, as has he with me. I do believe he loves me as a good friend and companion. It is the romantic, intimate (and yes, attracted) love that I question. The issues here are so deep and private that I would be uncomfortable sharing in an open forum.

        I get it that men have a struggle, and I feel for them, I really do. I agree that it is a huge battle. I long for the days where a man could be captivated by his wife because she was the only woman he would see in such a personal way. Even if there’s no ill-will involved, our men are so exposed to sexual (and often unrealistic) images (just in the grocery store!) that it makes their wives all the less special to them. In that aspect I feel very, very sad for men – especially my own sons. It feels very unfair – to men and women – and very wrong.

        That being said, yes, my insecurity plays into this issue, big time. I feel very inadequate. Not good enough for such a good man. Never good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough – anything enough. I’m not saying this is true, but it is how I feel a good bit of the time. I don’t walk around saying this though, and I don’t mope around. I even had a woman from my old church tell me how she thought I always “seemed to have it all together all the time.” I did laugh when she told me that, and I assured her that was NOT the case. I was shocked to hear she even thought that. But My point is, it’s not like I’m walking around saying “woe is me!” All the time.

        I will take a look at that book about lies you mentioned. I think I even have it on a shelf around here somewhere, but I never got around to reading it.

        As far as what people say to me, yes, I have developed a destructive habit of believing the bad. Clinging to the insults. I guess somewhere along the line I discovered that people who compliment you are often either trying to get something from you, or trying to make themselves feel better in some way. Whereas mean people just say how they really feel. But this could go back to the problem of “everyone thinks like I do.” If I say something, I mean it. Which is why I have never bought the line “I didn’t mean what I said.” I think if it came out of your mouth, then it went through your brain, and therefore you meant it. I get that these thoughts of mine could all be wrong. Maybe.

        And sisters? I have a friend who has 5 sisters. They love each other, they get together whenever they can, they fly across the country to be there for one another. They support each other, they edify each other, they tell each other good things! I am so envious of their relationship. I guess I feel that a sister (or a brother), who has lived with you growing up, would not tell you lies. Why would anyone say such mean things unless they were true? (I KNOW that might be a ridiculous way of looking at things, but it’s hard to shake.) And by the way, my sister still reassures me her thoughts about me are true – and she has taught my niece to tell everyone how wrong, ugly, and stupid they are as well. I even once heard my niece tell my son how I “ruined Christmas for her mommy forever, by being born.” (Even I know THAT statement is ridiculous.)

        Sorry for the long reply. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I will start with the book about lies, definitely before I read the other book.

        Again, I apologize for upsetting you. Thank you for all that you do.

        1. Becca,

          Good morning to you, my dear sister! ๐Ÿ™‚

          If you are still thinking these thoughts – I WANT you to share them so that we can hash through them. It pains me that you are hurting and still in so much bondage. But that does not mean I don’t want you to comment. What I want most is for you to find healing! ๐Ÿ™‚ The whole point of this blog is for women to share their struggles so we can pray together and so women can find Christ and wholeness. I want women to share their struggles! I don’t want anyone to pretend things are fine when they are not. I want us to deal with things together. ๐Ÿ™‚

          I am not angry with you – I want you out of this awful pit! I am trying to throw you a rope because I love you dearly! ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes it seems like you want to stay in the pit. And I suppose that is your choice. Or – maybe God hasn’t opened your eyes yet. I don’t really know. But the thing is – I have been in the pit, too. And I have also experienced God’s healing and the freedom that comes from allowing Him to tear out all of the messed up thinking in my life and rebuild on His Word alone. I want that for you, too! So very much! I wish you could experience what it is like to be free from the lies and the spiritual bondage for about an hour – you would NEVER want to go back to where you have been! And you don’t have to stay there! I long for you and everyone to be out of the pit in the loving arms of Christ Jesus!

          You will need to hash through ALL of the destructive thoughts in your head – either on your own with God or with the help of a godly mentor. All of them have to go. That is the path to healing. ๐Ÿ™‚ I personally would love to see you begin that difficult work today. Why stay one more second than you have to in this misery?

          I am aware that your husband is not perfect. He is human, of course! I am sure he has sinned against you in many ways, as well. I don’t mean to sound like I think he is perfect. But I still think that you have a good man in general – who really does love you. But even if he didn’t – God loves you and you can find all of your security in Him! You can be content in Christ alone – even if you had a terrible husband who was repulsed by you. Seriously.

          Please do read that book as soon as you can. DeMoss describes the lies and the truth very clearly. I believe that book may be a way that God might choose to release you from this bondage.

          What people say is not really what matters. If you have someone who is trustworthy and honest and they love you – what they say can be helpful. If you have someone who hates you – why would you believe anything they say? Their motives are messed up. They are not a source of truth. They just want to tear you down. Ultimately, what people say really doesn’t matter – only what God says does. Ultimately, you will be seeking to please Him – and answering to Him – not to your sister or anyone else on this planet. You don’t need the approval of people. You only need God’s approval. (The Snare of People Pleasing – I used to do that, too!)

          Even if you don’t say the things you are thinking, your children will pick up on the things you tell yourself. My twin sister and I picked up on the destructive things a very prominent woman in our lives told herself, for instance. Some of the things we picked up on, she never articulated out loud.

          There are people who say things they don’t mean just to try to cause hurt and pain. That is sin. And there are people who say hateful things just to tear people down and make themselves feel better in a sick, twisted way. That is sin. Why believe sinful statements or things people say that are motivated by evil? Why cling to those things as if what those people said is holy Scripture and is a foundation upon which to build your entire paradigm of life? Why not build your paradigm and understanding around God’s truth? He never lies. His motives are always good toward you.

          Your particular sister apparently DOES tell you lies. I am shocked that she continues this behavior to this day. Wow. She has some serious spiritual issues, it sounds like – and major insecurities and wrong thinking of her own. Instead of believing her – grieve for her and for the bondage she is in. Pray that God will heal her. What a terrible thing to teach her children.

          I know that this topic is an intense spiritual battle ground for MANY women – not just you. It is my prayer that God might deliver my dear sisters from bondage on this issue – and every issue. May God richly bless your walk with Christ and may He refine and sanctify you to become the woman He calls you to be. Not because you are worthy (or because any of us are worthy) – but because He is worthy. It is ALL about Him, not us!

          Much love to you! And the BIGGEST hug!

          1. Becca,
            You know what would be amazing? If you would promise me to read Lies Women Believe this week. Would you be willing to do that and really begin to deal with the wrong thinking instead of allowing it to continue to fester and slide?

            Maybe you can share a review with me next weekend about what God speaks to you through that book?

            That would be a fantastic step toward God and out of the pit.

            1. Well, I promise I’ll try. Turns out I don’t have the book, but I just downloaded a sample. I don’t know if I’ll get it read in a week, but I’ll try.

              Thank you for being so understanding. It’s funny that you linked to a post about people pleasing. I need to read it. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser, until a friend opened my eyes to that fact a couple years ago.

              On a brighter note, my husband and I had the best evening we’ve had in a while. He had a really rough week at work, and a tougher day today. This probably sounds odd coming from me, but I’ve learned when he’s had a bad day, sometimes he just needs me to be quiet and be near him. I sit, I listen. I save all my questions for another time. He was able to decompress, get a lot off his chest, relax, and then we had a very good evening.

              He does love me. It’s my own insecurity that makes me question his love. I need to work on myself. I will try to read that book this week. Thank you.

              1. Becca,

                You don’t have to read the whole book in one week. But if you can even read a few chapters and really begin to dig deep to recognize the wrong thinking and replace that with the truth of God’s Word, it will begin to make a powerful difference! You may need to go slowly to really process everything. That is fine! ๐Ÿ™‚

                If you allow people’s opinions to be more important than God’s, that is people pleasing. I used to do that a lot, unfortunately. And it is a very imprisoning way to live!

                I’m so thankful you were such a blessing to your husband and so understanding last night. That is awesome!!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

                Much love, my beautiful sister!

        2. Becca, although I am not married, I have had to work through eliminating various self distructive thought patterns in my life. It is hard work, but completely worth it. No matter how much you think you are able to hide your thoughts from others, they are affecting your relationships with your children, your husband and most importantly God. The book April recommended is a good one.

          I also suggest the you pray for God to reveal to you a thought process that is destructive, you could even use the one mentioned above, about you not being pretty or romantically attractive to your husband. Then write a contract to yourself that for the next 2 weeks you would refuse to believe the old and instead you would only refer to the truth. So in the case of the above, you would believe that you were attractive and beautiful to your husband. That he loves you romantically and desires you as his wife. This will be a very vulnerable and anxiety-evoking process as you choose to reject the beliefs that have grounded your life so far. However, there will be moments you will see truth revealed and you will realize that you freedom from the bondage is something that you are willing to fight for.

          After the 2 weeks is up, sign another contract and keep working towards it. God’s role is this is imperative as well, be in prayer and study every morning and ask for revelation and discernment over this aspect of your life. Ask Him to show you how grace and love are able to fit in, since those are probably not attributes that you are used to using with yourself or others close to you. He will show up and He will change your life in these areas if your are brave enough to consider something different for yourself.

            1. Julia, thank you for your input.

              April, I got the book and I’m reading it. I’m about 25% of the way through, and already I’m seeing so much of myself.

              I’m praying good things will come from this. I’ll keep you updated. Thank you for caring. I can see I’ve been on the wrong track for a long time.

              Thank you again,

              1. Becca,


                I believe Lies Women Believe – and The Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a fantastic place for women to start if they are in bondage to wrong thinking. THANK YOU for reading it! This may be a book you will want to read and re-read to retrain yourself to embrace God’s truth and to reject lies. I’m so proud of you and thankful for what God is already doing in your heart! ๐Ÿ™‚

                Much love and a big hug!

              2. Good job Becca, that’s great!! I hope that God will use this book to truly begin to open your eyes to any words of deception the enemy is having you live your life be. Let yourself be vulnerable, consider and ponder the ideas that the Holy Spirit speaks to you through this book. He loves you more than you can even consider or imagine, He will walk you through each step in that love. Praying for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. My sisters who are prayer warriors and strong in your faith,

    Please pray for God’s Spirit to bring sinful ways of thinking out in the open and for His Spirit to convict us all of any sinful thoughts that are destroying us. This is a major battleground of spiritual warfare. We have many sisters who are ensnared and trapped by lies from the enemy. I want to see them set free from their bondage through the power of Christ!

    Join me in praying for God to tear down the strongholds of the evil one in many women’s lives and for them to be able to receive His truth, freedom, and glorious life!

    I want as many strong prayer warriors praying as possible over the next week especially, please. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I would also love for some ladies who are able to view these issues in a healthy, godly way to share how they approach this issue and are able to extend compassion, mercy, and grace to their husbands. First, I believe we have to receive those things from God ourselves before we can give them to anyone else. But maybe some ladies would like to share their stories.

    Thank you!

  4. Our culture has been trying to squeeze men into a feminine mindset for many decades now. We have labeled many ways that men think, talk, and act as โ€œwrong.โ€ We have demanded โ€“ in our marriages, in our families, our businesses, our schools, and in our churches โ€“ that men/boys should think, talk, and act like women/girls. We have all been marinating in the idea that โ€œwomen are spiritually/morally superior to menโ€ and that womenโ€™s sins are not as bad as menโ€™s sins.

    I love this April, this is so true!!!
    i was guilty of this way of thinking. i thank god for taking me on a journey where He is renewing my mind, and i cant wait to read the book

  5. “I begged God to let us both live long enough for me to try to make things up to him and for me to understand what on earth it mean to be a godly wife and how to respect and honor him properly.”

    This prayer surely touched the heart of God…He honored your sincere plea…and multiplied the results!

    I love God’s math… Your desire to get your relationship right with Greg helped all of us get our relationships right with our husbands, too!

    Thanks, April, for helping Christ “feed the multitudes” with your one loaf of bread and one fish.

  6. Ladies,

    Letโ€™s also keep in mind โ€“ in thinking about why we should seek to understand our men and have empathy for themโ€ฆ Jesus, our Great High Priest, lived as a man on this earth for 33 years and lived the perfect life none of us could live. But He was tempted and tested in every way that people are.

    For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

    It grieves my heart greatly to think that any of us might not want to sympathize with our men in their weakness. Brings me to tears, actually. I have seen this response many times when I have addressed this issue in the past. Lots of wives try to be the thought police and do try to tear their husbands down if they see (or think they see) their husband struggle visually. We can make ourselves and our husbands most miserable. I want to see this idea torn out of our souls โ€“ individually and corporately!

    Forgive us!!!! Forgive us for not wanting to understand our men. Forgive us for condemning them and not seeking to bless and help them. Forgive us for misunderstanding them and shoving them away because of our own misunderstandings and fears. Forgive us for taking their vulnerabilities personally โ€“ as if it is all about us. They answer to You, not to us. Forgive us for seeking to be the thought police. Forgive us for trying to be the Holy Spirit. Forgive us for joining with the accuser of the brethren and joining the enemy to attack and accuse our men, rather than to pray for healing and deliverance for them. Forgive us for making their burden much more difficult to bear instead of supporting them in healthy, helpful ways. Forgive us for not extending to them the same understanding, grace, and compassion that we, ourselves, need.

    Open our eyes, Lord!!!! Let Your Spirit work mightily in our midst! Bring us to conviction if any of us need conviction. Forgive us for any self-righteousness, bitterness, resentment, or hatred toward men. Let us have Your hatred for sin. But let us have Your love for our men. Let us see them with Your eyes. Let us not look down on them with haughty eyes. But let us come along side them as our fellow travelers and let us be a blessing and an oasis of Your truth, love, grace, peace, and healing. Let us humble ourselves before You, Lord! Change our hearts to match your own. Change our desires to match Yours. Let us seek Your glory above all. Let us love You wholeheartedly and love and bless all others with Your love! Let us become the women, wives, and moms You desire us to be!


    We ALL need someone to sympathize with our weaknesses. Who better to do that than believers โ€“ who have received the mercy, grace, forgiveness, and eternal Life that Christ died to give us on the cross??? We are the ones who have tasted the love of God!!! It is our job to share this love with others โ€“ including our husbands, our sons, and our brothers in Christ! Not that we approve of sin โ€“ but that we love the sinner and seek for all to be reconciled to Christ first and to be empowered by His Spirit to overcome temptation.

  7. HelloWhile I appreciate much of your advice, I do not conform to the fact that men have different brains from women when it comes to visual temptation and their brains regarding women and sexuality. This has just been passed down through the centuries perpetuating a myth that helps men get away with much, and they also take advantage of the same. Women can be equally visually tempted if they were ‘allowed’ to by society. Please do not continue this trend of letting men get away with this myth about how mens’ brains work differently from womens’. Thank youKind regardsSandra SoanesSent from Yahoo Mail for iPad

    1. Sandy S,

      Please check out the information that Shaunti and Craig share about the nucleus accumbens and the brain scan studies that researchers have been doing before deciding that this is a myth. Or even the study from Princeton University that did brain scans on men who were looking at images of women dressed either modestly or in bikinis (this link has pics of women in bikinis – please be advised).

      Or, check out the book written by Dr. Walt Larimore MD who is a Christian neuroscientist “His Brain, Her Brain,” for an in depth look at the different hormonal levels, physical structure, chemistry, and anatomy of female vs. male brains.

      The myth that has been perpetuated by feminists in our culture has been that men and women are the exact same emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. While there are many similarities, we end up having massive misunderstanding and miscommunication when we assume that men and women are or should be the same in the way they think and process life. Or in exactly what temptations each person may experience more intensely. Of course, there are also individual variations, as well.

      As a pharmacist and a believer in Christ, I invite you to check out the science behind these statements. Or, check out Scripture. Women are specifically commanded to dress modestly. Men are specifically commanded not to lust visually. I am happy to get the Scripture references if that would be helpful.

      I want women and men to have victory over lust. Women tend to be most tempted by romantic movies/books, but some are ensnared by porn and visual issues. And many, many men are ensnared by porn today. I want to see them all set free from this bondage in Christ!

      God does not allow any of us to justify or excuse sin. He calls all of us – men and women – to live lives of holiness, purity, and obedience to Him as His Spirit empowers us.

      Much love to you!

  8. As much as we like-minded folks here are excited for this book, placing it in the accepting hands of wives everywhere is a next to impossible task without causing an insensitivity in the wife-in-charge-kind-of-woman.

    My wife is convinced that my small complaints of disrespect started when I began gay reparative therapy with my autistic son last year and she blames that therapist. On the contrary, I stumbled onto a different marriage blog that addressed the issue of respect after a church class around that time that addressed the same issue.
    Blogs, such as this, are difficult because in order to convince people of opinions that are different, you need to go to those people outside of the blog and address that issue in “common and acceptable” terms.
    My own wife continues to see me as inferior to her knowledge in most everything (yeah, I’m still unemployed) I often fantasize about being a doctor or an army general so that my wife wouldn’t argue every little decision I make, including where I decide to sit and read! (happened today)
    So, placing this book into my wife’s possession is a feat of impossibility. Let alone ever having her believe in my wisdom and my ability to accomplish anything. Intimacy as of late is always the first casualty.

    Regardless, I will attempt to purchase the book along with an accompanied one for men on an aspect of her traits.

    1. Jeff,

      Honestly, there are wives of surgeons and army generals who disrespect their husbands, too. I don’t really think that a husband’s vocation insulates him against a wife’s disrespect much at all. But – it is difficult for wives to accept information about how wives could change from their husbands. Kind of like it can be difficult for husbands to accept information about how husbands could change from their wives.

      A wife’s disrespect is often totally unintentional. Or – wives just don’t “get” what speaks disrespect to their husbands because a lot of us were not taught this stuff and we often had disrespectful examples. A president’s wife may still tell him where to sit and how to eat and that he needs better manners and to put the toilet seat down in disrespectful ways – not even realizing how she is coming across.

      Then we also have our sinful nature as women to contend with – the curse in Genesis 3 – where we are told we will desire our husbands (as in, desire to control them). Sometimes our disrespect isn’t about our husbands at all, but is much more about our own fear, our lack of understanding of God’s sovereignty, our lack of understanding of where our responsibilities end and God’s begin, our own spiritual maturity or lack thereof.

      Very few wives I have met were purposely trying to disrespect their husbands. Most did not realize the messages their husbands were hearing from them.

      Thankfully – God is able to open eyes and soften hearts. That is my prayer for us all!

  9. As a man I can say Shaunti has got it right. As a Christian husband of over 25 years who’s tried discussing this with my own wife or even reading books together, I’ve watched it fall on deaf ears or worse. I know my first calling is to honor and cherish my bride and love her like Christ. But, if asked, I would describe most of my married sexual life as miserable which I’ve come to accept because there is no indication of things improving.

    1. scripturepassion,

      These are tough things for women to hear – especially from their own husbands. We have been so indoctrinated by our culture that men are the same as women, or men should be the same as women. It can be quite a shock when we do truly realize how different men are and the temptations they face. Some wives have a VERY difficult time with it once they begin to understand, or try to understand.

      I pray for God’s healing in your marriage – for His enlightenment and wisdom for you both – and for victory over the enemy’s schemes, my dear brother!

      I am so very sorry for your pain. If there is any help I can share with you, I am glad to help in any way I can.

Comments will be closed for Lent from 2-14-18 through 3-28-18.

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