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A Wife Shares Her “Aha” Moment

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This sweet wife has given me permission to share her response to the post on Monday, “How Can I Tell If God Is Working in My Life or If I Am Trying to Do This in My Own Power?”

 

This is just an important post! This was the hardest thing on this journey for me.

I was spending so much time and energy “working” on my marriage. I was reading every marriage book I could find. Trying this technique or that technique. Faking being respectful. Faking being loving. My blood pressure was up. My mind was a constant whirlwind of thoughts and plans and how I do this and that. It was exhausting!!! And nothing was getting better and I was an emotional mess!!

It wasn’t until I woke up one day and said I am going to do what pleases God no matter what my husband does! I am going to be peaceful and joyful no matter what. I actually had to come to point that I didn’t care what my husband did or said or thought. It was going to be like water off of a duck’s back. I was going to do it God’s way. I would be respectful and only speak my mind if it was something important. I would not be offended no matter what he did or said. I would work on me and how God wanted me to to respond and act. I would seek peace inside of me (through Christ).

AND THEN….. a wonderful thing happened. I saw my husband in a totally different light. I started to love him in a different way….not the desperate way I was. I was peaceful! My mind wasn’t in a whirlwind anymore. I wasn’t worried about everything anymore. I saw my marriage in a way I had NEVER seen it before!!

What happened?? Did my husband turn into the perfect husband over night?? NOPE!!! He was his same grouchy self. He still did the same things. He still tried to get me to react and fight. What changed was ME!

All of sudden what God thought of my actions mattered so much more. I could see my marriage as one big picture, not just this valley we were in.

Now that my husband sees the change in me, he is much happier. He is beginning to trust me again with his heart. I am not the emotionally unstable mess I was. I don’t try to control every aspect of his life. I don’t see little problems as the end of the world anymore. He smiles more often now and that is a  HUGE REWARD to me….to see that I am not making him miserable anymore.

As April has said many times, this is not about changing your husband, it is about changing us. But one thing I see is when husbands feel respected and honored they tend to work harder to be better men. It is so important that we see that our actions and reactions can impact the way our husbands act and react.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

When a wife reaches this critical point of realization – I know that God is about to do BIG things in her heart! 🙂 LOVE THIS!

RELATED:

Why Do I Have to Change First?

When Do I Get to Feel Peaceful?

Sometimes This Journey to Become a Godly Wife is Lonely – But This Wife Is Being Faithful to God!

The Washcloth Incident

But I’m Right!

I “Prayed to Receive Christ” – But I Was Not a Believer

Nikka’s Interview with Her Husband

A Wife Shares the Blessings of Biblical Submission and Respecting Her Husband

 

27 thoughts on “A Wife Shares Her “Aha” Moment

  1. Amen! What a wonderful testimony! When we decide we are not our husband’s mother but their help meet and begin acting like one, our marriages change. I just listened to this woman share her testimony. She had this amazing, handsome husband who worked very hard, came home, went for a run, bathed the children, read them stories and put them to bed. He would then crawl into bed with her and want intimacy. She was SO upset with him because he wasn’t meeting her “perceived” needs. She ended up divorcing him. Awhile later, she went to a pastor for counsel because she was so lonely and depressed. He was 25 years older than her and they fell in love and married. A month later, he had a nervous breakdown and he never pastored again. He’s 85 years old and she’s only 59 and she grieves every single day for leaving her first husband and the bad advice the pastor gave her. She soon realized how selfish and wrong she had been to not appreciate her first husband for all he did for the family. Women, appreciate and love your husband NOW. Stop putting unrealistic expectations upon your husband. Love him deeply.

    1. What a tragic story about the woman who didn’t see what she had, Lori! I’ll add that to my list of “What NOT to do”!!!

      I can definitely see why that would lead to so much regret. I felt the same way when I realized what I’d done to my husband… even though we both stubbornly agree the “d” word won’t even be in our vocabulary, our marriage could have turned out pretty miserable because of the way I was treating him in expecting him to think, feel, and act like me. Thank you, Lord, for showing me my folly!

      1. Blessed Out, I went 23 years of being angry with Ken for not meeting my percieved needs. I praise the Lord that he stayed with me and we are now able to enjoy each other growing old together. Life is WAY too short to make anybody else’s life miserable!

        1. Lori and BlessedOut, how I thank God for waking each of us up. I pray God might help our sisters to see these precious and critical truths, too. His ways are the best.

          Much love!

  2. I do not understand how you do this. How do you not care when they crater? How do you not care when they are so weary they cannot stand ? I don’t know how I am not supposed to care.

    1. Elizabeth,

      It is not that you don’t care about your husband. It is that you don’t put all of your faith and hope in your husband changing and in his words or actions, you put all of your trust, hope and faith in Christ and you allow Him to work in your husband’s life if there is any changing that needs to be done.

      Much love to you!

  3. Great post! This is my philosophy, it took me more than 14 years of marriage to get to the realization that is what is going to work best. And now that I’ve had that same attitude – Don and I do not need to work on our marriage to have the best possible marriage, but work on our relationship with Jesus Christ – my love for Don has grown. Part of my commitment came after our church’s marriage counselor helped me see this is what was necessary. He’s given the same advice to a couple we are friends with, and I have high hopes for their struggling marriage as well because that’s what she is doing at least.

  4. Hi April
    Its been a while since I last posted a response as I have been going through the ‘refiner’s fire” and have been holding on to Christ for dear life!
    I have been receiving counselling from a wonderful Christian therapist and the Lord revealed that the reason I have struggled with such intense fear of loss and abandonment ALL my life is because I have BPD.
    I finally after 44 years of praying and begging the Lord for answers and seeking help in every direction have some answers to my intense daily agony!
    Please pray for me as this illness has robbed me of a normal life and destroyed my new marriage.
    I am holding on with a thread to the hope that is found only in Jesus but need healing from a lifetime of pain
    Please pray that the Lord will heal the broken, empty places in my soul that cause me to cling and smother and live in constant fear of being abandoned by the one I love.
    I want Jesus to be my ALL in ALL
    In Christ
    Tracy

    1. Tracy,
      Of course I will pray for you!

      Are you receiving counseling and any help?

      How I long to see you receive all that Christ has already done for you and replace all those lies in your soul that are destroying you with God’s truth!

      Have you read my posts about fear? You can search for them on my home page.

      Much love to you! Please let me know how you are doing. 🙂

  5. This post is fab! It is exactly the path to take, nice little reminder for anyone struggling. Im thankfully having a good start to 2015, despite a few worries at the beginning that it was all going wrong, i know i can improve and bless my husband more, but we are in a a completely different place to 2013. Yes, it takes a while, but we can do this ladies! All things are possible with God, who is ever present, always ask for Gods help in tricky sutuations Xxx

  6. Wow, what an awesome testimony. This post has made my day. Thank you so much for sharing. Blessings to her and her husband and marriage. Blessings to you too Mrs. Cassidy. I thank God that I came across your ministry.

    1. Erica,
      Such a pleasure to meet you! I love seeing how God opens each wife’s eyes. I never get tired of seeing God at work and hearing new stories. So glad this was a blessing to you. 🙂

      Much love! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, as well!

  7. I was reading this post, and all through it I kept saying “Me too! I can so relate! My aha moment changed everything too!” I had my own aha moment about 5 months ago, and the change in my marriage has been tremendous, and it’s been ALOT of work going to God with everything!

    And then last night I had a melt down. We had had a good day, and then in the evening I completely had a melt down, and now the ‘wall’ has been put up and some of the old patterns have presented themselves. I hate what I’ve done and that I didn’t stop myself and go to God with it! I didn’t take every thought and feeling captive, and now I’m getting the “Here was go again, I knew it wouldn’t last” from my husband.

    Lord knows my weakness, and will help me be the gentle, quiet spirited, respectful wife.He knows I can’t do it on my own!

    I am so very blessed to have April and her posts and readers to come to, to get my mind and attitude straight. This blog is heaven sent!

  8. I feel like I’ve had several “Aha” moments, but what’s difficult for me is not reacting when my husband gets upset. In calm moments, I’ll send him articles and blog posts (such as what makes a godly, feminine woman) and ask him to tell me what I should work on. His response is usually just that I am awesome the way I am. But then other times, he will have (as he admits) unspoken expectations that I don’t meet and he will get upset with me, and tell me that I send him these articles but never listen to what he ways.

    I know men can’t hear their wives as well when they’re crying, but I get so very hurt and blindsided that I just can’t help but fall into a pile of tears, and I don’t know how to not do that, especially when he tells me things like all of my work towards being a godly, submissive wife is for show and no substance – but then in calm moments, he tells me I have never once disrespected him and he has even asked me to talk with one of his friends about being a godly wife.

    1. M,
      Since he is giving you very conflicting messages, I think the key is to figure out if he is more truthful in the calm moments or the upset moments. Some people say stuff they don’t really mean, just to be hurtful, when they are upset. Is it possible that could be what is going on?

      If that is what is happening, I vote not to absorb what he says in anger. It is ok to cry if your husband hurts your feelings. Approaching him with something you want to share is the time to try to rein in a lot of emotions so he can bets hear you. Sometimes you can’t help but cry if someone says something very hurtful. But, if he tends to say rash things that he later regrets, it may be wise to not pay much attention to the things he says in anger and to focus on what he says when he is calm. If he is not telling you things he wants, that is his issue. You are asking for his suggestions and feedback. You are listening to what he does say when he is calm.

      Husbands have sin, too, and issues that don’t always even involve us that they have to work through. Pray about whether this issue is truly about you or if it is about him. Seek to ask zgod to help you change to be the woman He wants you to be. But if any criticism is clearly not of God, allow that to roll off of your back. I hope that makes sense. Ultimately, our job is only to please God when it all comes down to the end of this life. We can seek to please, respect, and honor our husbands. But there will be times when pleasing them might be impossible. At those times, we can seek to please God and seek His wisdom and His intervention and His work in our husbands’ hearts.

      What do you think?

      Praying for wisdom for you!

  9. I am working to try this. I will continue working.

    Sometimes, when he’s calm, he will reiterate to me that “we’ve talked about these things before.” When I tell him that I need to know what “these things” are, because I am still not clear on them, he gets upset again. He is adamant that we’ve talked about certain things.

    I personally believe that he, in his own way, *is* telling me what he wants or needs, but he isn’t telling me in a way that I understand, so I’m still not getting it. I think he believes that’s a “cop out” excuse and I would get it if I it were important enough to me. I’ve heard him repeat conversations he’s had with other people about different situations where he’s told them that they just aren’t getting it, and I can understand their confusion based upon how he’s presented it to them, but he thinks he’s explained everything clearly and it’s their fault they aren’t getting it. This is why I feel he truly believes he has been transparent and forthright with me. I just don’t know how to speak the same language. I feel exhausted walking on eggshells and trying to decipher everything he says.

    I think there are other issues that have nothing to do with me, but when the person who knows you best in this world, and supposedly loves you more than anyone else, says things like you’re only behaving a certain way “for show”, it cuts deeply and it’s difficult to let that roll off my back.

    I’ve had the “Aha!” moment where I’ve realized I made my husband an idol, and coveted his approval more than God’s…and yet I still allow myself to be crushed by words spoken in anger.

    My husband is a passionate man, and I have never been loved or protected as fiercely as he does. I am grateful for that. I just somehow need to grow a thicker skin.

    1. M,
      I wonder if he would be willing to write down what he wants from you in bullet points. If you have it in writing, it seems to me that it might be a lot more clear.

      I actually have to take notes when Greg and I talk about things. I cannot remember the important points he made if we have an hour long conversation and I don’t write it down. I have to write things and read them to absorb them well. Wonder if he might be willing to write things or allow you to take notes? Will he allow you to repeat things back to him to be sure you understand?

      Ultimately, you know your motives and God knows your motives. It’s easy for someone else to accuse you of wrong motives – but he does not have the ability to accurately judge your heart.

      Words spoken in anger hurt very deeply. They are meant to hurt deeply. If he tends to mean what he says in anger – that is a different scenario. But if he just says things very harshly and rashly and then regrets what he said and contradicts himself – he may be a person who doesn’t really mean what they say in anger. That will require discernment and God’s wisdom for you to be able to know for sure. It is still not right for him to say such things – and it is not an excuse – well, he was angry, so it’s ok. It is not ok for people to say hurtful things. But as the recipient, if you realize that he doesn’t know the damage he is doing or that he is not in full control of himself and this is not how he actually feels, it may be easier to think, “This is his angry self. This is not how he really feels about me. When he is more calm, he will talk about how he truly feels.”

      The passionate thing can be awesome! Wives whose husbands are very passive and never yell don’t have to deal with the screaming and the losing their temper issue, but they also don’t have that passionate love and protection either. Every strength has a corresponding weakness. Praying you can enjoy the positives of his strengths and have God’s wisdom to deal with his weaknesses and sinful tendencies.

      Praying for wisdom for you, my precious sister!

  10. Thank you for all the encouraging comments. 🙂 I feel like many times my journey has been a back sliding, sideways one. I did come to this aha moment and it did change my life. But, I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t feel or that I never mess up.

    I do feel. Often I turn away with my eyes welled up in tears over something harsh my husband has said. At those times, I have to take a deep breath and tell myself to get it under control and remember this is a journey and God can deal with this. I try at those times to look at myself and see if my actions were the cause of his anger. If I can’t see anything I have done, then I just chalk it up to he is having a bad day. Taking offense would only steal my peace and make things worse.

    Sometimes I am the cause. Just Thursday I said something disrespectful to my husband. I wanted to slap myself in the mouth. The old pattern just shot out of my mouth before I could stop it. I apologized and told myself OK girl get back on the wagon. He was a little grumpy that afternoon and I could see that my actions probably did affect his mood.

    So I don’t want anyone to read this and think oh she has perfected this because I haven’t. What I have learned is to get back on track quickly and keep reminding myself daily that my peaceful, respectful actions please God and I will have peace in my heart when I stay on that path.

  11. This is great! This short post has really helped me with my next step. Many things he has done lately has irritated me and I have said something to him about. And he always responds “stop telling me what to do.” It frustrates me when he says that but what he does doesn’t make sense at times. I will start to put this into practice. I have tried this in the past but I fell off the bandwagon and need to try and do it again. I guess I need to put more focus on God and less of what my husband is doing and leave him to God like I have before. Biting my tongue!

    1. Kat,

      Most men do NOT like to be told what to do! That is a big deal for many of them. They want to figure things out on their own. They want a wife, not a mother. 🙂

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

  12. I would love to apply this, but my husband is a truck driver, and he is home once a month. We are separated, his desire for the “d” word. The Lord convicted me of everything a week before he told me he wanted out. I know where I did wrong, I just hope he is able to see the changes and that the Lord will soften his heart.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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