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“Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?” – by Peacefulwife

Here’s something for the husbands.

Ladies, for some of you, this is not going to be a productive use of  your time because it may be a trigger for negative or sinful thinking. Some of you will probably do better focusing on what God calls you to do on your end of the marriage relationship. Hopefully you know who you are. 🙂

Much love!
April

16 thoughts on ““Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?” – by Peacefulwife

  1. April, your third point about some wives understanding the concepts of respect and submission, but only doing so with the big things unfortunately fits me. I want to respect and trust him in the little day-to-day things, but his past poor judgement calls make it hard. I am also sure my big failure last year makes it hard for him to trust me to love me as God does. Pray that we both continue to grow in our relationships with our Lord, which for me has been a walk of 32 years, since I was 21, and for him has been a walk of 54 years, since he was 8. As we grow in the Lord, I am sure our relationship will heal and grow too.

    1. Ellen,

      That was me, too! I thought I WAS being respectful because I didn’t do those really horrible things. All the other stuff I was doing – the “smaller things” didn’t click with me that they could be taken to be disrespectful. Such a shock when I realized the truth!

      Yes, each spouse’s sin can make this much harder. We all desperately need the power of God’s Spirit to be able to be godly wives or godly husbands. As you focus on your walk with Christ and on repenting of any sin in your life and as you focus on obeying God’s Word for you – I know God is able to heal you, and I know God is able to heal your husband and your marriage, as well, in time.

      Are you dealing with any mental illness or addictions? If you wan to talk about general examples of “past poor judgement calls” and how to handle things like that in a godly way, I’m glad to hash through some things with you.

      Much love!

      Much love to you!

      1. Was this disrespectful behaviour from me? Here is the scenario. Last year my husband and I decided to visit his sister who I have never met although we have emailed and spoken on the phone.
        My husband’s sister lives a long way, in a big city over 250 miles from our home. The arrangement to meet her was that her pastor would come to hotel where we were staying at, pick us up and take us to the home of my husband’s sister.
        The time the pastor said he’d come to our hotel came and went, after a while the pastor called saying he is delayed, this is now 3 hours past the time agreed. So we wait for the new time which again passes again while we still wait.
        My husband and I decide to go into the city centre to do some sightseeing and buy some gifts for his sister while still waiting to have call from the pastor about when he will come to get us.

        As we are in the city I make the suggestion to my husband that he could call his sister and ask her to take a bus to meet us after she finishes her class in the city. I am thinking as she knows the city better than we do it would be easier that she comes to our hotel rather than us trying to find her as she was on the out skirts of the city and we do not have transport.
        I said to my husband, it looks like the pastor may change the time again or cancels completely and we end up coming all this way and we do not get to see your sister.
        I said this quietly peacefully genuinely as backup plan due to the delay from the pastor.
        I was shocked by my husband’s response: He said very angrily, “why do you have to argue about everything, we are waiting, I am not asking my sister to come to meet us when the pastor comes that’s fine and several other comments expressing annoyance and frustration with me.
        I asked him why was he angry, why was what I said an argument; I tried to explain my reason was to try suggest a helpful alternative, in case plan A fell through. He would not listen or speak at all, he walked and left me and went back to the hotel.

        1. Prayerful Wife,

          Great question! Most wives would not think what you did was disrespectful at all. You saw it as you were just offering a suggestion that he could accept or reject.

          Some husbands don’t appreciate unsolicited advice. Many times men do not give their ideas or opinions unless they are specifically asked for them. They see it as being disrespectful to offer help or advice to someone who didn’t ask for it. We women expect others to jump in and help us when we are overwhelmed or to offer suggestions freely. But men live in a very different world.

          It is usually ok with husbands if a wife wants to share her ideas. But, if he had already said what his plan was, he could take your suggestion as arguing, disrespect, or an attempt to control him. He may have felt that you thought he wasn’t capable of making the best choice on his own. I would imagine that when husbands are already frustrated and the day hasn’t been going well, they may be even more sensitive to something like this.

          Some time when things are going well and he is in a good mood, maybe you can let him know that you are interested in better understanding his masculine world and ask him what men think about unsolicited suggestions or advice in general. And maybe you can ask his opinion about how a wife might respectfully share her ideas in a way a husband can best receive.

          Thanks for the comment! 🙂

          1. Prayerful Wife,

            Once a husband is aggravated and annoyed and feeling disrespected, a wife’s questions about “why” and her explanations come across to him as more arguing and as disrespect.

            Check out the post at the top of my home page “husbands share what is disrespectful to them.” It is pretty surprising! But what important information! Then we can learn to communicate our messages in ways our husbands can best receive and care about. 🙂

          2. I want to learn how to be a respectful wife however, I feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the long list of potential things that could be seen as disrepectful plus this is just a genric list my own husband will have his own.

            I don’t know where to start, yes I know you’ll say pray. I do, hence my name that I use for this blog. I am still a getting it wrong despite good intentions.I know good intentions are not enough but I am very new to dealing with how men are.

            It is like the only way to get it right is never express anything become a stepford wife.

            My hope is that my husband could see past what are genuine mistakes due to ignorance and love me anyway.

            Right now and for long long time he is switched off from me.

            Help!

          3. Prayerful Wife,

            I didn’t have this list when I started. I also had no godly mentoring wife. It was just me, God, the Bible, my prayer journal and eventually over 30 books on being a godly woman/wife over the next 2 years or so. And guess what? It took me 2.5 YEARS before I even started to feel like I had any clue what I was doing. It took 3.5 years before Greg felt safe with me again from the time I started my journey.

            I asked Greg what was disrespectful and what was respectful when God showed me my sin in December of 2008 – he said, “I don’t know.” And obviously, I had no idea! So I felt like I was walking blindfolded through a mine field where there were mines about every 2 feet in every direction.

            This list is overwhelming at first. So, don’t try to focus on everything at once. You could ask your husband, if he is open to it, “What 3 things do you most wish I would stop doing and what 3 things do you most wish I would start doing?” Or, some wives print out the list of disrespectful things (from the post on disrespect at the top of my home page) and ask their husbands to check the things that feel disrespectful to them. Then they can focus only on the things that actually matter to their own husband.

            If your husband is not at all interested in having any discussion about this, you can pray and ask God to help you see 3 things, or even 1 thing, to start on. What is the MOST disrespectful thing you do?

            For me, stopping my criticism, complaining, and telling my husband what to do were first. Later, my tone of voice and body language.

            Has your husband said anything about what upsets him? When does he most shut down? The things you were doing at those times are probably the things that feel disrespectful to him, most likely.

            I went through The Frustrating Quiet Phase for a LONG time.

            Nope. You don’t have to be a fake Stepford wife! Thankfully that is not it at all!!!! This is a LONG process that will take years where you allow God to transform you by the power of His Spirit. Then you develop sensitivity to His voice and He empowers you to become the woman He wants you to be. Your husband will benefit, yes. And you will learn to be genuine in your respect and biblical submission eventually – but that takes time. But the most important thing is your walk with Christ and being close to Him. When you are doing that, He will give you the wisdom and power to do all the details.

            This is very much like learning a brand new language. You can only absorb so much at a time. That is ok. There are many stages of this journey.

            Have you apologized to him for your disrespect?

            If not, you may want to check out “Apologizing Stories.”

            I am happy to walk beside you and help point you to the next step if you get stuck. I am praying for you!

      2. His past poor judgement calls involve not working for several years, then barely working for awhile, yet at the same time spending money on expensive things we didn’t need, and then telling everyone we did need these things, trying to justify them. It got very frustrating and I almost left him last year. Now that he is working and is being much more careful with our money, I don’t know about continuing to hash through it. Letting go of my expectations seems to work a lot better.

        1. Ellen,
          If he has improved a lot, I can understand that! Is he involved in the finances? Some men do much better if they see the finances or even handle the finances, or at least give the final approval. The more ownership they have, sometimes the more responsible they might be.

          Praying for wisdom and healing for you both!!!
          Much love
          April

  2. I posted a comment already but it hasn’t worked… So here goes again.

    Only in the last 3 days has God really opened my eyes to how I have disrespected my husband… Yet I honestly thought I was the best Godly wife. It’s humbling…
    All thanks to a book I’m not even half way through reading yet called “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle.
    Goodness me….I can’t even think of ONE woman who truly respects her husband that I know 🙁
    We have been so conditioned by society…. God please forgive us and help us wives! Help me!!
    I look forward to reading the books you’ve recommended too April.
    God bless you (& husband) for a great blog.

    1. Tania,

      Your comment worked! It is on my husband’s blog – I approved it this morning. 🙂

      I am thrilled to get to be on this journey with you and I praise God for what He is already beginning to do in your heart! WOOHOO!

  3. Hi April, I have been reading your blog for the past few months. I’ve started going through from the beginning and ran across your post about wives dealing with their demons (voices in their heads). I have struggled with this myself but am learning when it starts to just pray and ask God to rid my mind of these horrible thoughts. My problem is I don’t know how to help my husband with these same demons. Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Kasie

    1. Katie,

      Check out the post “the Voice in His Head.” And please search my home page search bar for “take thoughts captive” and “tapes.”

      You can talk about what you are learning. You can pray for him. You can’t make him learn or be his “teacher” or the Holy Spirit. But you can encourage him to replace lies with the truth of God’s Word and you can tell him the truth about him that you see. 🙂

  4. Honestly, oftentimes I have flickers of hope for the younger generation of women, much moreso than a lot of women over 60–I guess it’s just because of my experience. They inherited a lot of (bad) culture that those women created, but at the same time I think things are polarizing more. Many younger women are kind of “winging it,” and in so doing, they’re kind of disproving feminism’s great experiment as to the sameness of men and women. Some of them are vocally just as upset about the world we inherited as this (younger) generation of men!

    I think that beast–feminism–isn’t going to go out with a whimper. It’ll go out with a loud and ugly death for so many reasons.

    It sure helps me indescribably to see women’s very “human” struggles if you will. It’s an example to me to do the same, first of all, and it helps me to RELATE to women (even if their situations are a bit different). And seeing their empathy and concern (in many contexts) for men is another thing that’s just a huge, HUGE help. 🙂

    We are all one in Christ. 😉

    I wish every husband would love to help his wife know that she is his treasure. 🙂 Her love is such a great gift God gave to man. “Will you ever be captivated by her love.”

    We’re all “swimming against the culture” for sure! :

    Here’s to the revolution. God bless your heart of a crusader! 😀

    1 John 5:4
    For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

    My sincerest prayers go out to you all. 🙂

    1. JC,
      I think it is so very helpful for all of us to learn how the other gender thinks because it helps us to see that usually the problem is a lack of understanding, not a purposeful malicious intent.

      Thanks so much for the encouragement to me and the other ladies, my brother!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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