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Godly Femininity – Part 1

happy girl

This topic could be a whole book. Actually, there are some books about it! You can find some of them in my post about my favorite marriage books.

Recently, we examined femininity in general and then ungodly femininity. Today, we are going to talk about godly femininity or biblical womanhood. This is the real core of  God’s beautiful design for femininity. It is much more than any fluffy externals. I know we are just barely going to be able to scratch the surface in two posts – but I’m going to share some things that the Bible describes that godly femininity is. (Many of the scriptures I cite would apply to men in becoming godly men, as well. Some are only for women.  I will be addressing all of these references toward women specifically because women are my audience. But men are welcome to read along.)

GOD’S PURPOSE IN TWO GENDERS

God designed people to all be image bearers of God and to have fellowship with Him and each other (Genesis 2). The main thing to keep in mind as we study godly femininity is that ultimately:

  • God designed masculinity to be the picture of Jesus Christ – and His love, power, mercy, grace and strength.
  • God designed femininity to be the picture of the devoted,  joyful, peaceful, trusting, faith-filled, beautiful, spotless bride of Christ, the church (Ephesians 5:22-33).

This is what marriage looked like in the Garden of Eden before sin entered the world and tainted everything good that God had created.

Each gender can stand alone to display God to the world – but when these two genders are combined in marriage, with their unique strengths, abilities and God-given roles, God intends a beautiful, powerful, tangible, living display of the intimate relationship Jesus desires to have and will have with His people. This is why the way he designed men and women – and the way He designed marriage – are so sacred and critical for us to understand and display in our lives – whether we are married, single, separated, divorced or widowed. We will be most fulfilled and most blessed when we operate in the roles, design and wisdom of God as women and God will be most glorified then, as well.

Ultimately, the purpose of our femininity is to bring great glory to God and to draw many to Christ!

WE CAN ALL BECOME GODLY WOMEN

Praise God, we are all able to become the women Christ calls us to be as we turn away from our sin in godly sorrow and turn to Christ in faith, depending on what He has done for us on the cross. This is all about His grace, mercy, forgiveness and His character and power working in us to change us. We cannot make ourselves holy. In fact, God describes our greatest attempts at righteousness as being like “filthy, bloody menstrual rags” in His sight (Isaiah 64:6). On our own, no sinful human has any spiritual strength to do anything remotely godly. We are totally dependent on God’s spirit empowering us and working in us to produce the life of Christ, the mind of Christ and the heart of Christ in us as He renews our spirits.

When we come to Christ with the saving faith that He generously gives to us – we cannot stay the same. It is impossible! God’s power and His Spirit working in our lives WILL radically change us. Our lives will exude more and more of His love, more and more self-control over our words/thoughts/actions, more and more good deeds and more and more concern and compassion for those in need. We will have more and more of the mind and heart of Christ as we submit to Him as Lord of all in our lives and hold nothing back from Him. Living in obedience to Christ becomes a joy as our thankfulness, genuine worship, praise and the regenerating power of God’s Spirit motivate us. We long for Him more than anything. He is our greatest delight and treasure!

(Here is a list of verses from the Bible about being a godly woman. That would be a fantastic study!)

The list below may be a handy reference to keep and pray over. Maybe you can focus on a few qualities per week and pray for God to develop these things in your own life? My prayer is that we will each prayerfully, humbly approach this list and allow God to reveal any areas that He wants us to focus on and yield to Him. 🙂 None of us will be perfect until heaven. This is the life long process of sanctification. I have thousands of miles to go on this journey myself and I can’t wait to continue learning all that God has for me. I am praying for each of you today, that God might speak to your heart through this post in a powerful way!

SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF A GODLY WOMAN THAT GOD WILL CULTIVATE IN HER MORE AND MORE AS SHE ABIDES IN CHRIST AND HIS WORD ABIDES IN HER:

SHE “LIVES A LIFE OF LOVE” (Ephesians 5:2)

  • She loves God with all her heart, mind, soul and strength. Nothing is more important to her than Jesus and she sets her heart only on Him for her greatest fulfillment, purpose, identity, love, acceptance and strength. She is willing to give up everything to have Him. (Matthew 22:28) (Are You Willing to Sacrifice Your “Isaac”? “Submission Means Holding the Things of This World Loosely“)
  • She loves all other people with the love of God. (Matthew 22:29)
  • She loves with the agape love of Christ described in I Corinthians 13:4-8. She is patient and kind. She is not rude. She is not self-seeking.
  • She does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. She does not dishonor others. She is not easily angered. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • She does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • She always protects, always trusts (she seeks to trust others whenever possible, but ultimately, her trust is fully in Christ), always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

HER CHARACTER

  • She has discretion. (Proverbs 11:22)
  • She has control over her emotions, feelings, words and even her mannerisms, body language and facial expressions even when she has PMS, or is not feeling her best when God’s power is in control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
  • She trusts the Holy Spirit to do His job of convicting others and sanctifying them. She encourages people, exhorts and prays for them, but she knows where her responsibilities end and she does not attempt to play “Holy Spirit” in others’ lives. (John 16:8)
  • She is totally confident in Christ, trusting His Word and resting in His promises. (Romans 8)
  • There is a refreshing and powerful innocence about her. (Matthew  10:16)

 —–

  • She may choose to wear her hair long if possible, delighting in her “glory” according to God’s Word. (I Corinthians 11:3-16)
  • She smiles a lot in a way that even shines brightly from her eyes, radiating the joy and love of Christ. (Galatians 5, Matthew 6:22-23)
  • She is careful not to align herself with Satan as his assistant to join in tearing people down with accusations, criticism, judgment and condemnation. She knows he is “the accuser of the brethren” and wants no part in helping him. By submitting fully to God and resisting Satan, she does not allow demonic temptation to direct her thoughts about her husband, about God, about herself or anyone else. (Revelation 12:10, James 4:7)
  • She is honest and speaks the truth in love. She does not pretend or fake anything. She speaks up when she knows that is what is necessary, but she does this carefully, gently and humbly. (Ephesians 4:25)
  • She chooses her girl friends wisely and she doesn’t put them above her husband or family. (I Corinthians 15:33, Titus 2:3-5, Genesis 2:24)

—–

  • She cherishes the gift of being a woman and living out God’s design for her. (Proverbs 31)
  • She is nurturing to others – spiritually, emotionally and physically. She “gives life” literally but also figuratively. She is fruitful in her interactions with others. (Genesis 2, Galatians 5)
  • She anticipates how God will bring beauty from trials, difficulties and suffering and wants to absorb all she can from God in those times. She does not face an uncertain future with fear, but rather, with great faith in God. (James 1, I Peter, Romans 8:28-29)
  • She may get angry at times, but she is slow to anger, quick to listen, slow to speak and in her anger, she does not sin. (Ephesians 4:26, James 1:19)
  • She has meekness – which is “bridled strength” or “strength under control.” (Matthew 5:5)

 —–

  • She does “not let any unwholesome talk come out of (her mouth), but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
  • She gets “rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31
  • She is “kind and compassionate to (others, including her husband), forgiving (others), just as in Christ God forgave (her).” (Ephesians 4:30)
  • She purposely cultivates a spirit of thanksgiving in all circumstances for she knows this is God’s will for her. (I Thessalonians 5:16-18)
  • She is a diligent and hard worker. (Proverbs 31)

—–

  • She takes responsibility for running her household well. (Proverbs 31, Titus 2:3)
  • She is prudent and has godly wisdom. (Proverbs 19:14)
  • She is modest and humble in her dress, words and behavior. (I Timothy 2:9-10, Ephesians 4:29-30)
  • She does not depend on charm or external beauty. (Proverbs 31:30)
  • She fears the Lord in a healthy way and she fears Him much more than any circumstances or any person. (Proverbs 31:30)

 —–

  • She dresses in a way that shows honor and respect for God, her husband, herself and others.  She does not seek to draw attention to her body but to Christ. She does not wear extravagant clothing, hairstyles or jewelry but allows her good deeds to be her ornaments.  She longs to not put any stumbling block in her brother’s way. (1 Timothy 2:9, Romans 14:13)
  • She is generous to those in need within the parameters of her husband’s leadership. (Proverbs 31:20)
  • She has great emotional/spiritual inner strength and honor. (Proverbs 31:25)
  • She has God’s wisdom in her heart and mind, she cherishes His Words and she speaks with godly wisdom and kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)
  • She is trustworthy in her thoughts, speech and actions. (Proverbs 31:11)

 —–

  • She does “not repay evil for evil but overcomes evil with good.” She trusts God to take revenge if vengeance is needed, she doesn’t take vengeance into her own hands. (Romans 12:9-21)
  • She answers softly and gently. (Proverbs 15:1)
  • She is filled with God’s “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control.” She is a pleasure to be around. She smiles and laughs easily. She savors and enjoys her family and her life (Galatians 5:22-23, Philippians 4:4-8)
  • She has great faith in God. (Matthew 15:21-28)
  • She is genuinely humble. She understands how great, wise and holy God is and how small she is in comparison. (I Corinthians 13:4)

 —–

  • She is polite and well-mannered. (I Corinthians 13:5)
  • She is selfless. (I Corinthians 13:5)
  • She is vulnerable and able to share all of her entire range of emotions, needs, desires and ideas and articulate herself well. She knows her emotions are a great blessing and gift from God. She listens to them and evaluates her thoughts and motives as her emotions tell her about problems. But ultimately, she submits her feelings and emotions to Christ. (James 4:7, Proverbs 3:5)
  • She knows how to appropriately express her emotions and she knows how to discern when her emotions are lying to her and not to be trusted (i.e.: PMS, pregnancy, peri-menopause).
  • She cares about her husband and what he wants, needs and desires. (I Corinthians 7:34) She is careful to care even more about what God desires. (Matthew 6:33)

 —–

  • She thinks on things that are good, true, noble, excellent, praiseworthy, pure, right and admirable. (Philippians 4:8)
  • She takes her thoughts captive and does not allow unruly emotions or worry to hijack her mind or rob her of God’s peace. She, through God’s power, is in control of her own thoughts. Her feelings do not reign as tyrants over her. (2 Corinthians 10:5, Philippians 4:4-8)
  • She does not argue or complain but shines brightly for Christ in her attitude. (Philippians 2:14-16)
  • She shares her heart and her ideas, needs and feelings without being contentious or disrespectful  – but always speaks respectfully, gently, graciously and humbly. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • She is full of grace, forgiveness and mercy because she abides in Christ and has experienced these things in abundance from Jesus. (John 15)

 —–

  • She never gives up on God, her husband or the marriage covenant. She keeps her word and her promises. (Matthew 19, I Corinthians 13:7-8)
  • She keeps no record of wrongs she has suffered. (I Corinthians 13:5 – for any wives who are truly being abused, please seek godly, biblical, experienced, wise help. “Do I Condone Marital Rape or Abuse?”)
  • She rejoices continually in God and in His truth. (Philippians 4:4, I Corinthians 13:6)
  • She hates all sin and evil. (I Corinthians 13:6)
  • She tears out any trace of the smallest root of bitterness as soon as possible and doesn’t let it fester. (Ephesians 4:31)

—–

  • She is sober – not addicted to drugs or alcohol. (Titus 3:2)
  • She uses her words to give life and does not use her words to tear down or destroy. She does not gossip or slander anyone. (Proverbs 18:21, 2 Corinthians 12:20)
  • She is chaste – she does not entertain immoral or lustful ideas about real or fictional men (or women), she does not flirt with other men, she guards her marriage and her heart, she does not touch other men in a sensual way, she does not get involved in any trace of adultery, fornication or immorality. If she sees that there is a temptation coming, she flees from it. She does not want to create even the appearance of evil. (I Corinthians 6:18, Proverbs 4:23, I Thessalonians 5:22)
  • She is reverent and respectful in her behavior at home and in public. (Titus 2:2)
  • She does not allow happiness, her dreams, her desires or romance to become more important to her than Christ, her obedience to Christ, her husband or her marriage. She has proper priorities. She enjoys happiness when it comes, and romance when her husband offers it to her – but she is not consumed by a desperate desire for these things. Her only desperate desire is Christ. (Titus 2:3-5)

 —–

  • She teaches her children and other women good things. (Titus 2:3)
  • She loves her husband and children affectionately. (Titus 2:3)
  • She is sound and solid in her faith. She knows the Word and handles it well. (Titus 2:2, Ephesians 6, 2 Timothy 2:16)
  • She guards her heart, because it is the wellspring of her life. (Proverbs 4:23)
  • She is willing to forsake all others (family, friends, past boyfriends, etc) and leave them in order to cleave to her husband (Genesis 2:24) and she realizes in the same way that she must forsake all others in order to cleave to Christ as her Savior and only Lord.

 —–

  • When she sins or makes a mistake – she is quick to repent and apologize and take responsibility without justifying her sin. She keeps very short accounts with God and gets rid of sin as soon as possible. Her spirit is sensitive to the pricks of conscience that God’s Spirit gives her. (I John 1:9, Matthew 5:24)
  • She is content in Christ no matter what her circumstances may be. (I Timothy 6:6, Philippians 4:12-13)
  • She does not set herself up as an authority or teacher over her husband or men in the church. (I Timothy 2:12)
  • She develops the godly beauty of Christlike character, the hidden beauty of the heart which is a gentle and peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear, which is very precious in the sight of God. (I Peter 3:4)
  • She overflows with the peace and joy of God’s Spirit. (Galatians 5:22) (When Do I Get to Feel Peaceful?)

 —–

  • She is patient and can be content even when she doesn’t get her way, trusting that God’s will will ultimately be done. (Galatians 5:22)
  • She is willing to wait on God and trust His timing, seeking His will far above her own. She is full of courage in the face of adversity. (Psalm 27:14)
  • She has great spiritual strength from an unending fountain of God’s power in her. (John 4:14)
  • She is able to look past suffering and difficult times to see the good God will bring from it. (James 1, I Peter, Job, Romans 8:28-29)
  • She is faithful to God and to her husband. (Galatians 5:22-23)

 —–

  • She cherishes a life-giving rebuke.
  • She has a teachable, correctable spirit and measures any criticism given to her against the Word of God accurately.
  • She finds her satisfaction, purpose and contentment in eternity not this temporary life and it’s ever changing circumstances.
  • She is not judgmental, critical, controlling, bossy, demanding or condemning. She is accepting of others, understanding and gracious in the face of their weaknesses.
  • She only accepts sound doctrine and tests the spirits before accepting something as being biblical or of God. (1 John 4:1)

 —–

  • She is strong enough in Christ to handle things on her own if necessary. (1 Samuel 25 – Abigail, Mary the mother of Jesus after Joseph’s death)
  • She is spiritually responsible for her own maturity and contentment, able to be spiritually and emotionally independent and secure no matter what her husband is or is not doing. Her dependency is completely in Christ. (Mary – Matthew 1, Luke 1, Philippians 2:12)
  • She deeply desires God’s best for her husband, family and everyone. (Matthew 6:13)
  • She weeps over sin – her sin and the sin of others and how it grieves God’s heart. (James 4:9)
  • She weeps over the lost and those who are in need. (2 Corinthians 2:4)
  • She doesn’t put ministry for Christ above her husband. (Matthew 19)
  • She does not use cutting sarcasm toward anyone but seeks to bless with her speech. She is not crude or vulgar. (Ephesians 4:29-30)

ENCOURAGEMENT:

God knows we are but dust and He knows our weaknesses. He loves us and made a way for us to be holy. Our God is so strong that He is able to empower us and to give us victory as we abide in Him.  As our Sunday School teacher says, “God gives us the control valve so WE decide how much of His Spirit we allow in our lives.” Christ is a gentleman. He does not force Himself on us but waits to be invited into every part of our lives. He wants us to surrender and allow Him to have control as Lord in everything. But that is our choice to make.

This is all about us being in an intimate relationship with Christ and allowing His power to flow full blast through us and transform us according to His will for His greatest glory!

ABIDING IN CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN BE GODLY WOMEN:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. John 15:5-8

SHARE:

What is an example of godly femininity that you have witnessed?

What are  your thoughts as we are studying godly femininity?

Are you encouraged or discouraged and why?

RELATED:

Godly Femininity Part 2

100 thoughts on “Godly Femininity – Part 1

  1. Thank you, thank you for this list, April! It’s wonderful!! I will be printing it up. You obviously put a ton of time into this.

    So humbling…… Yesterday, I did so poorly with my dear husband. We got into a bad argument and the fruit of the spirit was not what flowed from my heart or ultimately from my lips. Sometimes I marvel at how awful my heart can be when I’m not following hard after Christ. Wretched sinner. Will you please pray that I make things right with my husband today?

    1. Julie
      I too am so convicted by this list as I see so little of myself in these characteristics! Praise God that He is changing my heart and gradually purging me of all the offensive things I do and say!
      I have bad arguments with my dear hubby on a regular basis and it leaves you feeling awful!
      I will pray that you will reconcile with him to day and have the Lord’s grace to speak love and mercy into his life that you might be One with him in Christ
      Blessings to you
      Tracy

      1. Tracy,

        It is such a blessing and relief NOT to argue. God can empower us to share our hearts and to disagree with our husbands – but we don’t have to stoop to arguing anymore. Praise God! This reduces so much tension and friction. As God continues to work in our hearts, the fights and arguments and misunderstandings usually get shorter and the recovery time gets faster. It is wonderful to see the healing God can provide in our marriages (and all of our relationships).

        Much love to you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store in your life. 🙂

    2. Julie,

      I am so glad that this blessed you. I think it is one of the most important posts God has allowed me to write. Yes, I spent LOTS of time and prayer on this one.

      I am praying for God to empower you to seize the opportunities you have to make things right – to repent to your husband and to Himself and to submit yourself to God and resist the enemy. Praying for this to be a big breakthrough in your walk with Christ and your marriage.

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you so much, April.

        Arguments like the one we had yesterday don’t happen often anymore, thankfully. But I’m still not sure how I could have handled it better so I don’t repeat the same scenario.

        If you’re hurt by your husband and still trying to work it out in your head because you know he didn’t do it purposely, what is a better way to handle this?….We were in the car pulling into church and I’m quiet because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, then he pretty much insists on knowing what’s wrong. If you know there is no way to say it without him getting hurt or offended what do you do? The only thing I can come up with is if I’m walking so close to the Lord 100 percent of the time, I will just never be bothered by things my husband does. But that sound like it leaves any room for being human.

        I do know that when the argument escalated after church that the more I tried to explain my perspective the more he just felt like a bad husband. That wasn’t at all what I meant to communicate.

        If we are struggling with hurt and the timing is bad to discuss it, what’s the best response? If ai would have suggested talking after church instead, he would have been angry.

        1. Julie,

          It’s ok to be hurt. And it is ok to say that you are hurt. Sinners hurt people sometimes. It’s ok to say you are sad or your feelings are hurt.

          It’s ok to say that you need a bit of time to process things.
          It’s ok to say, “I need to pray about this before I talk about it – to be sure I approach it in a loving, gentle, respectful way.”

          If you would like to share what the issue was, we can talk about possible ways to approach it.

          Sometimes, our husbands will get upset. That is not necessarily our responsibility – I hope that makes sense. If they sin against us and it hurts us. It’s ok for them to hear that we are hurt and for them to be upset that we are hurt. Hopefully, they will then repent.

          But we don’t have to label them as “bad” or throw them under the bus. We don’t have to make them out to be total villains. We can show them that we know their intention was good.

          Something like, “I know your heart and that you don’t ever want to hurt me. I know you probably didn’t mean for X to hurt me at all. But – X did hurt and I feel sad about it. I’m going to be ok. I’m not going to hold this against you. I think you are a fantastic husband. But I do feel hurt by this. Thanks for caring and asking me to share. Just the fact that you wanted to know what was wrong and want to try to fix things makes me feel so much better.”

          Sometimes men will internalize anything where we feel hurt as they are a “failure.” That is not true. Our husbands have growing to do, too. We can work on our end and we can pray about how to approach things and seek to honor God. And we can ask God to work in our husbands, too – for His glory.

          Husbands tend to get upset when their wives aren’t happy. They tend to think that if we aren’t happy, they are failures as men and husbands. This is not necessarily true. My prayer is that husbands and wives will seek to please Christ primarily and seek His approval. And I pray that we will all be able to take responsibility if we do accidentally hurt our spouse and seek to move toward each other and reconciliation.

          Much love to you!

          1. Dear Sweet April,
            Can I hug your neck a while while I cry? You are so kind and gentle in your responses. I so appreciate you!

            I think what you said is enough for me to go on. Very helpful and validating.

            That last part about men feeling like failures when their wives aren’t happy–so true, and sort of sad, really. But on the flip side, when I am super happy, he just beams. (Sigh. Such a heavy responsibility to have that impact on another person.)

            Love to you, April….You are a blessing!!!

          2. Julie,
            You can absolutely hug my neck and cry for a awhile. 🙂 I will even give you a box of tissues!

            I am so thankful that this response was helpful. Please let me know if you want to talk anymore about it. 🙂

            I am excited about what God is doing in your life!!!! Please be sure to send me some updates. 🙂

            Much love!!!!!
            April

          3. Thank you again, April. What a help! And Tracy, thank you again for praying.

            I had left him a note of apology this morning but he still seemed very annoyed with me when he left the house. Thus, my comments….

            Well, he just got home and presented me with a peace offering–cheesecake! :^) I thanked him with a hug and told him when I feel hurt, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad husband. And also, that I know he’d never purposely hurt me and I know he has a good heart….He had such a tender sweet expression when I said those things.

            Any ladies reading this who are really struggling in your marriages, please know that in my 21 years of marriage, most of those years were really hard and it was a painful, long road before arguments became not the norm for us. I’m so glad we didn’t give up back then. Even when we have misunderstandings now, they are gotten over so much quicker. Hang in there Ladies, and keep seeking God’s wisdom.

            Praying for you all. xx

          4. Julie,

            Aw! What a wonderful answer to our prayers! I am proud of you for leaving him alone during the day and giving him time to process. Some men, like my husband, need some time to think through things and access their feelings and work through emotions on their own for awhile. I also love that you recognized that the cheesecake was his way of apologizing, an olive branch. Sometimes men apologize in gestures of good will rather than words, and sometimes women can miss this!

            We as women often think words are a more powerful apology, but men tend to feel that “words are cheap” and that actions are a lot more meaningful. So, bravo for recognizing his heart.

            And I LOVE LOVE LOVE what you said to him. That was glorious. I appreciate you sharing his response to your words. Such a precious moment. This is how you build a strong marriage and how next time, things will get easier because he will remember that you didn’t castrate him and that you trust his heart and appreciate him.

            Wow.

            Thank you for sharing what God has done and how He prompted you to respond. This is beautiful!!

            And thank you very much for the encouragement to the other wives.

            You are a precious treasure to me!

          5. April,
            You doubled my joy with your feedback! I almost didn’t share how things ended for fear it might hurt another woman whose battles in marriage don’t fix up so well yet.

            As I thought about my husband’s expression a little longer, I think he really needed to hear those words you suggested. I think they felt healing to him. I should tatoo them on my arm for future reference. But seriously, I think I need to start journaling these things that help because I forget so easily. I don’t sleep well like you.

            Do you keep one journal at a time, or do you have journals separate for different themes in your life?

            Love to you! xx

          6. Julie,

            I know that hearing success stories can be frustrating sometimes for wives who are struggling. BUT – they are also very encouraging and I believe they help to build our faith in God. So I am really glad you shared the ending. I think it is important to share the hard things, the long struggles, the short struggles and the victories. 🙂

            Yes, those words (genuinely spoken, of course) would be very healing to a husband and would help him take down his defenses and feel safe. I think journalling these victories and answers to prayer is an awesome idea! I personally just keep one journal at a time. But – you could certainly do it however you want to!

            Much love!
            April

          7. April,

            A similar senario occured today. Again, on our way to church. Ugh. Why, of all times must it happen then??…. I sat in the pews asking God to remind me of this exchange between you and I, April. I could not remember your suggestions. My mind could not focus on proper worship.

            In the car going home, I calmly, very briefly explained why I’d felt hurt. But then he felt like the “bad guy” and lashed out at me with a loud angry voice, which went on for quite some time. At least I had the good sense not to defend myself and flame the fires.

            The important part I forgot was validating that my husband has a good heart and wouldn’t purposely hurt me…..I think it’s sooo hard to remember not only to say that, but to believe it when I am hurt.

            Anyway, you needn’t respond. I just needed a safe place where I knew someone would say a silent prayer.
            I really long to learn this lesson permanently.

          8. Julie,

            Oh no!! I’m so sorry things were so painful – and such horrible timing. 🙁

            I’m glad you remembered what you forgot. Praying for God’s wisdom and His Spirit’s power for you!

  2. ** huge sigh goes here **

    Okay, well, this was indeed a good and quite convicting post. And my initial reaction was “oh my soul! This list is endless and once again, I will never, ever, ever measure up.” BUT – as I am trying, truly trying – and praying for help because I cannot do this on my own – but trying to learn how to take these thoughts captive, I relaxed and read it again. And you know what? There is some good news here. No I don’t get it all right, not even close – But – there are quite a few areas where I have grown. Lots, actually. I’m not really a gossiper. I am not bossy towards my husband, he wears the pants and I like it that way. I am polite and I have good manners. I am sober. I like to think I’m generous. I’m nowhere near as judgmental as I used to be. Now, don’t get me wrong. Anyone who has been around here long knows I am NOT one to toot my own horn. 🙂 But I’m realizing all is not hopeless. Yes, I have a looooooong way to go. That being said, in hindsight I can see I have come a long way, and it’s all by the grace of God.

    On a semi-related note, I want to thank everyone who has been encouraging me and praying for me. Your prayers are powerful. Now, I must admit I am suspect of when someone writes a comment, people say they are praying, and then eight hours later the original commenter says “wow! It worked! Everything is perfect!” Do I believe God can work that quickly? Sure, God can do anything if He so chooses. I just wonder if sometimes people don’t get a little over zealous in their desire for everything to be fixed instantly.

    Anyhow, this weekend was interesting, and good for me. On Friday night, I was feeling pretty low. But I did pray a little. Not as much as I should, but a little more than normal. I’d been praying on and off since Thursdays discussion in the post. Friday night my husband fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed and I cried. Yes, me, I went ahead and cried. Very quietly, mind you (or so I thought). In the middle of this my husband wakes up and comes to bed. I was so frustrated! Now I have to hold it all in, which is pretty tough at this point. But I thought I was doing a pretty good job. (By the way, thank you to the people who suggested all the menopause stuff, but I’m not even 40 yet, so I don’t think that’s my issue. Although I can see where you might think that). Anyhow, my husband can tell from my breathing that I’d been crying (I love how well he knows me, but at times it drives me batty). And he asks what’s wrong. And I reply – “nothing”. And he asks what he did. And I reply – “nothing”. This goes on for a few minutes and ends with me going out on the couch to sleep. He wasn’t happy about this, and it wasn’t done in anger, but he has to get up very early to run to work for a bit, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. So back to the couch I go.

    The next morning, he comes home from work and I’m still in bed (sounds weird, but this was like 7:30 am, he probably went in around 5, and he only needed to work for a bit). So he starts talking to me, and I decide to go for it and tell him some of what I’ve been feeling. Talking about feelings is hard for both of us. I cried. And you know what? He didn’t get angry. So often he gets angry (not AT me, but because I’m sad, but usually I take it as him being angry with me BECAUSE I’m sad, and it ends up a misunderstood mess). But he didn’t seem angry, and for some unknown reason (your prayers? God’s grace?) I began to feel a tiny bit like believing him. A tiny bit like I could believe all the good things he said, all the positive things he tells me about his feelings for me. It was foreign to me, but in a way, I liked believing him. It still feels kind of unreal, but I’m a work in progress here.

    We talked for a long time and it ended on a very positive note. Then he asked if we wanted to go out to breakfast, so we took the kids out for breakfast. We’d been talking for a while about trying to do more things together. His garage is a mess, and so is my section of the basement. We decided rather than trying to tackle them alone, we’d do it together, even if the other one is just there for company. It was raining, so we started with the basement. We had a lot of fun – if cleaning can be fun – and we got a lot done. It was very nice.

    The night before we had all gone to our local Christian bookstore, and we got two books. 52 Things Husbands Need from Their Wives, and 52 Things Wives Need from Their Husbands. We decided that first I’d read what wives need and he’d read what husbands need to make sure neither one of us thought the book was off track, and then we’d switch. And then we’re going to discuss. 🙂 I’m happy to report we both finished previewing the first book this weekend and we just switched. I’m excited (and a little nervous) to see what we learn. Anyhow, after our Saturday morning talk, I think we both approached the books with a much better attitude.

    Now Sunday. We go to church, and guess what. I sang along. Well, I tried. Now you all don’t know me, but before all this I sang always. Everywhere. All the time. Until I got pretty low and I just got to the point where I just couldn’t. But Sunday I sang. At first I had to make myself do it. But I did it. And my husband noticed and he was so happy. But then I started paying attention to the words. And I cried. I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t thrilled. But I cried. Now mind you, no sobbing (although I really felt like it), there’s still that part of me saying “pull yourself together!” But there were definitely tears. And then the worship was over and they tell you to shake hands and say good morning to those around you, and I was thinking “oh boy. I gotta do this with tears in my eyes? People are going to think I’m crazy.” But I smiled at people and shook their hands and no one said a word, or looked at me weird, or anything. Mostly they just smiled.

    The service was good. We came home. Talked about it. Watched football. Went to Home Depot. Read our books together. Went to a nephews birthday party. Slept in the same bed. It was a good weekend. To God be the glory.

    Now am I all like “hooray! It’s all better!” Um, no. You all know me way better than that. 🙂 But I feel different. A little more peaceful. A lot more hopeful. I realize there’s a long way to go, but I think I’ve finally found the right path. My husband keeps telling me, “we’re a team. We’ll get through this together.” Sweet words, indeed.

    I’m thanking God for my husband’s patience with me. I’m thanking God for HIS patience with me. I’m thanking God for this blog, and April, and all of you, and your prayers.

    I’m sorry for the long comment. But I felt led to share the goodness that’s been happening in my life. And I know your prayers are a big contributing factor.

    So for this post, and this list, I’ve decided not to focus on my failures. I’m going to read it again, and again, and pray and ask God to show me what areas HE wants me to work on first.

    Love you all,
    Becca

    1. Becca,

      WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

      PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I am THRILLED about what God is doing in your life! Don’t you dare apologize for the comment being too long. We have been walking beside you for months and this is my favorite part – getting to see some lightbulbs go on and watching God soften someone’s heart and begin to change them. It is a beautiful thing. I love all the detail. That makes it even better. 🙂

      Now I am crying tears of joy. Tears of praise to God. He has not forgotten or forsaken you. He is right there with you. You are taking steps to walk out of that dungeon into His freedom, light, grace, hope, joy and peace! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

      There is no better reward for me than this – to get to see God transform hearts, minds and lives. This is how God allows me to “store up treasure in heaven.” Each of you are part of that treasure. 🙂

      I am super excited that you prayed and read the post again and that you were able to see changes God has already begun in your life. That is a MAJOR improvement! You are not focusing on your flaws! WOOHOO!

      I am SO ECSTATIC that you are working on taking what your husband says at face value and believing him. And I love how you described how it felt. YES! It feels good to be vulnerable and to receive love. It is a gift! It is the best thing ever to receive the love of God and to receive our husbands’ love. I am SO PROUD of you and so thankful to God for His empowering you to begin to take down that wall and to destroy the lies that have held you imprisoned since you were a child. WOOHOO!

      I love your approach with your husband to those books. AWESOME idea! Greg and I did that with For Women Only and For Men Only by the Feldhahns – and I even wrote notes about my thoughts in the pages about women so Greg could know my heart more accurately. Love it!

      And WOW! WOW! WOW! You SANG in church again! WOOHOO!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! What a beautiful thing. I am so thankful you did not allow one person’s negative comment to paralyze you anymore but that you sang to God again. And you cried!!!!!?!?! That is awesome. You are feeling your emotions and expressing them. Your heart is softening. This is what it feels like to begin to heal!

      You slept in the same bed! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Much love my precious and beautiful sister.

      I am SO SO SO excited about all that God has done, is doing and will do in your life!

    2. That’s so awesome Becca! Yahweh is real. He does know us and hear our heart’s desires! Its awesome to watch Him move!!

    3. I am praising God for the work He is actively doing in your heart and life, Becca! The hope that is coming through in your post as I read it is so encouraging to me! I’m so glad you were able to share with your husband and it was beneficial for both of you. 🙂 Your weekend sounds so refreshing and restorative – what a blessing. Thank you for sharing all of it!

      I love how you said you “feel different. A little more peaceful,” even though you know there’s a long path ahead. This seems to be my experience too, which I’m not sure I fleshed out well enough in my “fake it till you make it” comment. It just seems that when I’m consciously dwelling on God’s character, His glory and His promises towards me, actively ignoring my tendencies to question everything, I start to feel a peace that I can’t even really describe. I just know it’s very different from what I was previously feeling anxious/sad about. None of my circumstances have necessarily changed, but my heart feels more peaceful, God seems more present and real, and He strengthens my belief in Him and quiets my doubts and fears. He starts to open my eyes to who He was (and is gently transforming me into being) all along! Maybe it’s that “peace of God, which surpasses all understanding… guard[ing] our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 🙂 I love how He changes us!

      I continue to pray for your healing, keeping your hope “built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness,” and that you will sing with joy in your heart and tears in your eyes. 🙂

    4. Tears of joy are welling up in my eyes too, Becca, as I read your comments. Praise God! He is at work in your heart and I just know that as you allow Him to, He will more and more transform your heart, thoughts, life, and marriage!

      I am going to continue joining with the other ladies to pray you though this! We are here for you! Please don’t hesitate to keep commenting here at PW any time you need or want to!

      I love hearing the hope shining through in what you’ve written! Never give up, even when you stumble. Get right back up and walk in grace again!

      Sending you a big hug, dear Becca!

      -HisHelper

      1. Thank you, everyone, for your continued prayers. They truly mean a lot to me. It feels wonderful, almost freeing, to be able to share positivity for once. God is so good, and you are lovely friends to have.

        1. Becca,

          I cannot wait for us all to get to hug your neck, either here or in heaven. Positivity, faith, godly power in Christ, joy, peace… It ALL feels REALLY, REALLY amazing. 🙂

          God is very good. Thank you for your friendship. You are precious to me!

        2. Becca, you are surrounded and covered by prayer! We are all so excited to hear what God is doing in your heart, your mind, your soul, and that’s spilling over into your marriage. And I’ll be honest, it’s kind of exciting to watch it all unfold!

          I’m so excited for you, and can’t wait to see more and more comments revealing more of what God does in your life and marriage!

    5. Praise God for his good work in you! I am so happy to hear this! My husband used to be angry when i would cry too, but now he almost seems to find it endearing. The biggest change was that i used to use tears as manipulation, to try to control him. I didn’t realize i was doing that, but i know now i did. When my tears come from a genuine place of love, happiness, and even hurt, it has a totally different impact on my husband. It sounds like that’s the place you were coming from. I’ve often ended in tears listening to songs of praise, sometimes sobbing. But its so good for the soul. Becca i will keep praying for you!

    6. Oh Becca, your post warmed my heart so much! I am celebrating the wonderful progress you’ve made, and smiling with tears in my eyes, thinking about the lovely weekend you had with your husband. I can tell he loves you beyond words! Much love and a big hug to you! Please continue to share your life with us.

    7. Becca I just came to read this post…have been meaning to read it….but don’t know why it kept slipping by….have not even read the post yet but was just skimming the comments..I do that sometimes if it is a previous post I have not read…AND I’M REALLY HAPPY TO SEE THE PROGRESS YOU GUYS HAVE MADE TOGETHER!…TO GOD BE THE GLORY!…Keep hanging in there…God will see you guys through!…much Love!

  3. My thoughts are that this is something we will attain through God refining us- and that can take time.

    I think this is a WONDERFUL list and one to pray and work toward. I also think it’s okay to see room for improvement….. kind of like “I’m not where I want to be but thankfully, I’m not where I used to be.”

    It paints a beautiful picture of godly femininity.

    I am excited for Thursday’s post!

    1. A Fellow Wife,

      I love this perspective. We can see how far God has brought us – and we can be excited about how much farther we will go – open to learning anything and everything we can absorb each day, resting in His love and trusting in His wisdom.

      I’m so glad this post blessed you. 🙂 Thanks for the idea to write about femininity!

  4. I’m not going to lie to you. I feel a little discouraged. I don’t feel like I am even a few things on this extensive list. I keep feeling lately like I am just disappointing God at every turn.
    But I know that this list is ultimately meant to help and not discourage. My relationship with God just isn’t at it’s best right now.

    1. I’ve had these same thoughts lately. I am in a “waiting” period and I let thoughts creep in to give up because I will never reach many of these things for a very long time and it’s already been a very long time. I keep disappointing God. Not much good is coming my way and I question if I’ve wasted all this time trying so hard when it should be coming from God and more time gone with no progress.
      I keep pushing along reading and seeking and knocking.
      I hope someone can chime in and help us!

    2. Katelin,

      Don’t be discouraged…. I doubt many of us are seeing ourselves exactly where we want to be against this list. We ALL have work to do- and the truth is that we can’t do any of it- only God can. And He will in His perfect timing if we work with Him and turn to Him.

      1. A Fellow Wife,
        Thanks for encouraging our precious sister!

        I have seen very few women for whom this process was a “lightswitch.” Meaning, they were suddenly much more spiritually mature. It is usually a process of stages of learning and growing and understanding. God often reveals our sins to us in layers. We seek to understand one layer and repent and to learn a stage, we stumble, we repent, we desire to learn and we keep practicing and also we learn to abide in Christ… and it is a process that takes years. This is not something that you ever truly finish doing. There will always be much more growth and learning ahead of us as long as we are on this earth.

        But there do tend to be stages. Here are a few posts about that.

        Learning to Respect and Give Up Control Is a Process

        Stages of This Journey

        The beginning is VERY PAINFUL. And there are times along the way that are very painful. But there is also great reward – the treasure of heaven! The gift of the fruit of God’s Spirit. Joy, spiritual energy and power to be able to do the good we want to do and that God wants us to do, purified motives, a peaceful spirit, an increasingly more mature and strong faith.

        It is so worth it!

    3. I have come a long long way, and still don’t have a lot of this list, but don’t be discouraged, that does not come from God. I am going to take one topic a day and read the verse and meditate on it and pray on it and repent if needed. This list is a long hard one, that we need God to bring us through, because we can do none of this on our own. We all have disappointed God, even the best among us, I know I fail daily still, but Gid doesn’t want you to stay there. Its all been forgiven, all you have to do is repent and accept that forgiveness.

      1. Thank you for this, Sarah!

        Two books that I think may be most helpful with this process are:

        1. The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee – he explains the theology and doctrine of Romans 6-8 in the most powerful way I have ever heard!
        2. The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace – I especially appreciated the chart she had of specific sinful/bitter thoughts and then kind and loving thoughts to replace the sinful thoughts with. The last chapter about conflict was not my favorite, I think some husbands may feel disrespected by a sentence or so in her examples of confronting a husband’s sin. But – there may be some husbands with whom the entire approach would work beautifully. The rest of the book, in my opinion, was amazing and extremely helpful.

  5. Oh my goodness! I guess I can’t really say I don’t know what to read in the Word! I pray about how I never seem to open and read anything that speaks to me without depending on a devotional all the time! Ha!
    There’s so much good stuff today and last week and other posts I have bookmarked. I’ll be busy for awhile.
    Thank you!

    1. PLM,
      This will give you some meat to chew on! Sometimes devotionals can be quite watered down. As your spiritual appetite picks up, you will crave the meat more and more and you will grow stronger and you will crave the Word. That is wear the best meat is. Keep seeking, knocking and searching, my precious sister. God promises that those who seek Him with all their hearts will find Him! Jeremiah 29:11-13.

      Ask God to open your eyes, mind and heart to understand more and more. Ask Him to show you any sin that is blocking His spirit from working full blast. Lay down everything to Him in full surrender. Read His Word. Ask Him to speak to you. Praise Him. Focus on your blessings. Focus on the good things in your life. Be still and wait on Him. No need to rush or worry about wasting time. Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.

      If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend Watchman Nee’s The Normal Christian Life to help explain a lot of these things in great detail.

      Much love!!!!!! I am praying for you!!!

  6. April,

    I love this! I have been studying this very topic, and so many of these are issues that have been brought up in my own life.

    I had tears streaming down my face as I read this, because I realize how far God has brought me in becoming biblically feminine and Christ-like. I do NOT say that to brag. As I have said, none of the changes have happened without a fight. I still have a long way to go, but I am so thankful for how far I have come.

    I have been the woman who read things like this and the Word and realized that I will never measure up. I have been the woman who has left my quiet time feeling defeated because I was so far off track. I have been the woman who has screamed (yes screamed) at God, asking if there was so much to change about me, then why did He ever create me. I have been the woman who looked at godly women and thought, “Well, that is all fine and good for you, but you have no idea how spotted my past is. You have no idea how much sin I have welcomed into my life”.

    See, I was the woman who loved my sin. I didn’t want to let go of what was comfortable and safe. I always loved God, but devoting my whole life to Him just wasn’t my thing. I came to a place before God where I asked for a hunger for His Word and a hatred of my sin. That was where the change started. Before He could change me, I had to ask for the desire to change. First, I fell in love with His Word. As a follow up to that, I started hating my own sin. Then, I started asking God to help me change the things that hurt Him. He started small and very gently. As changes have happened, my love of Him and His Word has increased. As that has happened, an increased hatred of my sin and my desire to be more like him has deepened.

    I am no biblical scholar or theologian, but my suggestion to others is to ask God for an insatiable hunger for His Word. I believe, after that, that things fall into place.

    Also, we have to remember that the moment Christ died, we were allowed to take on His righteousness and holiness. We are allowed daily to take on the covering of His dignity. Praise God, my past is forgotten! All of my sins are covered in the precious blood! He never said, “come to me when you are blameless”. He said, “come to me and I will make you blameless”. I fully believe a repentant heart and a willingness to change are all He needs. He will work wonders from there. Also, in turning from sin, you will be amazed at the wounds that are healed. So often our sin is a defense mechanism, used to protect our hearts. When He heals the wound, the “need” for the sin no longer exists.

    Love all of you ladies. Praying for us all as God transforms our hearts and minds!! I am so thankful for this space where we can share and grow together. Unity among ladies… I know Jesus smiles on this!!

    -LA

    1. LA,
      This is so beautiful and powerful! I know you are probably going to get tired of me asking, but might I please use this comment as a post!?! It is such a blessing!!!!!

      1. April,

        You certainly may.

        I love these threads and discussions. I hope I’m welcome on this site, even thought I belong on the single girl one. 😊

        Now, I have a similar question for you. May I use this as a series in my ladies group? I will give credit. I just love the layout and the discussion that will come from this.

        Much love, LA

        1. Of course you are welcome at peacefulwife any time. 🙂

          Single ladies are always most welcome here.

          You may certainly use this with your ladies’ group. Thank you for asking. 🙂

  7. Im having a hard time with taking control of my thought, often i take what my husband says and my thoughts will warp it into something bad. For example: he tells me his plans and if i dwell on it too long or he doesnt call/text me over a very long period of time my thoughts drift to him doing something he shouldnt be doing. When it gets extremely difficult i start reading through your blog and it distracts me enough to forget my negative thoughts. I know its the enemy whispering these negative things in my ears that plants the evil thoughts but im so frustrated that he wont leave me be in peace. I make a little progress and than i get distracted and fall back into behaviors im trying to get rid of. I was filled with so much grief the other day over what ive been doing, even my husbands encouraging words couldnt lift my spirits. I desperately want to be filled with the holy spirit I am easily discourage when I dont feel or hear Him. I prayed for confimation as to whether this is the route I am supposed to take in my own spiritual growth but also in repairing my marriage and I believe God spoke to me through a song “Restore” by Chris August. I am just struggling with making time for my spiritual growth and everything turns sour as a direct result. Im in need of spiritual encouragement.

    1. Nicole,
      Without time in God’s Word and prayer, you are spiritually starving yourself. It is impossible to be spiritually strong when you are starving your soul. It does take time to be close to God. It is a sacrifice. I pray God will help you figure out some time you can spend with Him.

      I used a rubber band for awhile on my wrist, and would snap it any time I caught myself thinking sinful and destructive thoughts or lies. It helped me realize what I was doing and how often I was doing it. Constantly, at first!

      If you haven’t, please read “My Demon” – you can search for it on my home page.

      Are there any sins you are cherishing or fears you have that are keeping you stuck? What do you believe you need to be happy?

      Do you have wounds from the past?

      Is there anything you are afraid to trust God with?

      How did you come to Christ? How did He save you from your sins? What do you believe it means to follow Him as your Savior and Lord?

      Praying for you, my precious sister!

  8. Dear April, I had to take a minute to say “Thank you, dear, sweet, godly woman!” You are such an inspiration to me and I praise God I found your blogs while searching for godly femininity about 5 months ago. You are so in tune with the Spirit and are the best teacher and encourager! So, please know your impact is powerful in so many lives!!! You are a precious, valuable, sincere, faithful woman of God, who I am honored to “know”. You are a true blessing! P.s. I am dating? courting? an amazing, godly, man and would value your prayer if you wouldn’t mind taking a minute? He is looking for a job, blessing related to his music, and for the Lord’s wisdom and guidance with our relationship. Thank you for this blog and the one for singles!

    1. Kelly,

      How I pray God will use my life to point others to Christ. I pray His Spirit will just pour through me like Niagra Falls to everyone I touch. I am thankful God is using these posts to bless you. 🙂

      Congratulations on your new relationship! That is exciting! 🙂

      I will pray for you both right now, my sweet sister.

      Tank you for the encouragement!!

      Much love
      April

      1. April,
        He is DEFINITELY using you to point others to Christ! Thank you so very much for praying. I sincerely appreciate it so much. Blessings to you sis!
        In Him,
        Kelly

  9. I dont know if there is specifically any sin to pinpoint aside from what you have previously listed as an ungodly woman which ive only just learned about recently & my biggest issue is my thoughts, and they mostly contain accusations of my husband being unfaithful. I try not 2 sin based on what i learned through life but my eyes have been opened to a whole new depth of sinful nature inside me.
    I would say i do have wounds, many yrs ago before we married my husband was unfaithful. Overall our relationship didnt start off with the best footing, I was 16 he was 19 and i got pregnant a few months after we started dating, 2 yrs later we split up for a yr and when we got back together ive just learned recently he held a grudge for me leaving and that led him to seeking other relationships at that time. the ties in to my fears now, things have been great for a while and than we started disconnecting as we both have strayed from the word and i discovered a dating site. Nothing happened with it, he never actually…

  10. Communicated with anyone as it was only up for 3 weeks but the fact he had it is what gets to me and the what ifs if i hadnt found it. That ties into my fears of him resorting to old behaviors and being unfaithful and destroying our marriage. Im not affraid to let God deal with it as He told me to wait when I was ready to divorce im just affraid that the outcome could be a divorce and i dont want that.
    I grew up in the church, As a teen and early adult i did my own thing and came back to christ a few yrs ago just before my husband got saved. Im not exactly sure how to answer the second part of that question, I know the answer but i cant put it in words.

    1. Nicole

      I can understand your fear and why you are reluctant to trust. What happens when you respectfully, softly, gently and briefly share these concerns with your husband? Is there a godly mentoring couple or pastor he would be willing to talk to?

      Do you believe he is being faithful now? When do you believe was the last time he was unfaithful?

      What do you want your marriage to be like?

      What do you want your walk with Christ to be like?

      Much love to you!!

  11. When i try to share it with him, he tells me im bein a downer again and gets angry at me and disconnects. He asked me what was wrong tonight and i couldnt put it in words so he yelled at me to just spit it out and i started crying and we havent talked since. There is no one for us to talk to at the moment, i asked if he would start going to church with me again and he agreed but i havent found a church to go to yet. At times i feel hes unfaithful cause he says hes working so hard to get us a new place to live but theres nothing to show for his efforts and every plan he tells me about falls through at the last min but other times i know it my insecurities and thoughts that are filled with lies because of my fears. As of last month were no longer living together so i barely get an i love u and an i miss u every day, we dont talk at all anymore. I would like my marriage to be happy again, i cant talk to him about anything anymore a few months ago we would talk about anything and everything and now everything…

    1. Nicole,

      What if you allow him to choose the church? Would he be more invested and interested if he got to lead in this area?

      Where are you living?

      What does he say he wants?

      Do either of you have any mental health issues or addictions?

      Is there a godly older married couple you could talk with? Or the pastor who married you?

      What do you want to happen?

      Has he apologized for the dating site thing? Do you believe he has truly repented about that?

      What are you praying for now?

      Much love to you! I wish I could hug your neck!!!!

  12. Makes him mad. I want it to be a 2 way street again. Im tired of all the responsibility being dumped on me cause im drowning in it. Hes staying with his mom right now and she promises nothing is goin on or she would tell me about it. I want my walk with Christ to be unshakable. I want to hear him clearly when he speaks to me and not question whether its from him or not as often as I do. I want to be so filled with his love and Holy Spirit that it flows out of me onto everyone around me.

    1. Nicole,

      What are you studying in the Bible lately?

      Have you had a chance to repent to your husband for your end of the sin issues?

      If not, let’s talk about that before you do apologize.

      Does he feel it is impossible to earn your trust back?

      What do you need to trust him?

      Have you read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect?

      Much love!

  13. I would also like to add that before I found your blog I prayed that God would open my eyes and lead me down the right path. I asked Him to keep me bound in my faith and if I ever stray to do whatever is needed to reopen my eyes and keep my focus on Him and not let me ever stray from His word again. Also I just found this blog a little over a week ago during a late night google search on marriage advice. After 2 days of deep thought and prayer I decided to start doin what you suggested and I immediately got positive results from my husband. The last 3 days have gotten bumpy as the struggle is getting harder between my body and spirit. Now im suddenly being filled with the grief of my sins, Im trying to hold it in and let God take it away but I slip up and give in and little bits come out to my husband and pushes him away again but im recognizing it when it comes and stop myself and apologize but it makes the grief all that much worse cause now I know what im doing but I keep doing it.

  14. Im getting myself so caught up on my husband and what hes not doing I start resorting to my sinful behaviors and start that dirty little blame game again. I was thinking just the other day after reading through other wives journeys, how blessed I am that mine is going so smoothly and than bam I trip over my own pride and fell on my face. The day my husband went to stay with his mom before everything blew up I was reading a book and one statement stood out and has been replaying in my head since. “God will allow the struggle so we will seek Him more deeply.” Im sorry for fillin up the comments with my rambling but I see now God used this so I could reflect and see what I was doing and also giving me a safe place to release some baggage. Ive found that sometimes the best release can be in letting it all out to a stranger, It doesnt affect the listener but gives the griever somewhere to just let go and move forward. Thanks for listening and giving so much wonderful advice.

    1. NIcole,

      My apologies! I have been away from the computer all day. I hope to get to respond properly, thoughtfully and thoroughly Sunday or Monday. I don’t want to rush my response.

      Much love!

  15. Oh my this is alot. I just keeping trying to turn the Jesus knob up but my mouth it horrible, my negative thoughts consume me. I am encouraged I can do all things through Christ Jesus… I’m worn out tho.

    1. Shy,
      This is a lifetime of learning right here. Take it in small bites. This is not something that anyone learns in a week or a month or even a year.
      You cannot do this in your own strength, I pray that you will allow God’s Spirit to flood your soul and to be in control. 🙂 He can empower you to do these things for His glory. 🙂
      Much love to you!

  16. I am slowly making my way through the posts on your blog. This one I am printing out (hope that is ok) so that I can take my time looking up the passages and really digging into them.

    Thank you for all that you do!

  17. I too am going to print this out and I am going to look at it with enthusiasm and excitement as if it were a roadmap for the “holiday” of a lifetime. I cherish this ministry but I did not come here with a troubled marriage. I came here content. I can now look at these virtues as beautiful feminine flowers to add to our bouquets.
    By myself it would be discouraging and impossible but faith in God to bring these flowers to bud and bloom brings worship and gratitude to God, whose plan is more lovely than any other.
    I do want to earnestly pray for those of you who are dealing with trials and struggles, may they be lifted and you be allowed to shine glory in your smile.

  18. Hi April,

    This is a wonderful post. Really worth reading on a day to day basis. But can you elaborate more on the following point – “She doesn’t put the ministry of Christ above her husband”. You have also quoted Matthew 19 to support that point. And as per my understanding of that chapter God said people who have left their houses, brothers sisters father mother wife children for my sake will receive hundred times as much.

    So I got a bit confused there. If you could throw some more clarity on that point it’ll be great.

    Thanks 😀

    1. Sneha,

      That’s an awesome question. Here is my understanding – but please search the Scripture for yourself. 🙂

      Do you notice anything missing in the list of things Jesus mentioned? He doesn’t mention wives leaving their husbands for his sake. He mentions husbands leaving wives. He sent his disciples and apostles (who were all men) out as missionaries. Many of them left their families to minister in Jesus’ name. Jesus did not appoint women by themselves to go out as missionaries. And, there are passages where God’s commands for wives is that we are to submit to our husbands (as to the Lord – meaning, we don’t submit to sin). I am not aware of any example in the New Testament where a believing wife left her husband to do mission work for Christ. There are examples where husband and wife travel together – or where a believing single man (like Paul) has the right to take along with him a believing wife.

      Of course, we are to love Christ much more than we love anyone or anything. But our ministry to Christ is under our husband’s leadership. Does that make sense? For example, my husband leads me in my ministry. If he doesn’t want me to do something, I trust that God is leading me through my husband not to do that thing (unless it is sinful, what my husband is asking me to do). If God calls me to a specific ministry, my husband will be on board, as well. It will be something I can do in harmony with my responsibilities and duties as a wife. If my husband is called to certain work for God’s kingdom, I am generally called to do those things with him. Although, there are times when husbands leave their wives/children behind if the work is particularly dangerous.

      Billy Graham, for instance, left his wife to care for their children while he traveled around the world evangelizing and preaching. They had an agreement that she would take care of the home and children and he would do what God was calling him to do for the sake of the ministry. She was his helpmeet. He is not her helpmeet. Does that make sense?

      Now, if my husband approves, and I believe God is calling me to speak at various locations for Christ – I can do that within the parameters that God gives me as a woman. I do not have permission to teach men or to have authority over them or to be a pastor. But I can minister to women and children along with many other possible ministries that do not contradict the teaching of the New Testament.

      Much love to you!

  19. My husband ans I have had a terrible marriage. We dealt with his alcoholism and not being present for 2 years and the last year of that he was addicted to porn ans was on dating sites, etc. It devasted me and I left. I wanted the marriage to work so we got back together. But it seems one sided as all of these issues have been pushed under the rug ans he refuses to spend any time with me or deal with them.

    He spends hours on the phone every day. If he is not working it’s all day. If he is working he comes home and is on his phone until he goes to bed. If i ask to spens time with him, he tells me he doesn’t like me, doesnt like the wah I look, calls me derogatory names and I shut down. He has also stopped being intimate with me. I havent gained more than 10 lbs due to stress and havent changed the way i look. I feel disgusting. He avoids me at all costs.

    What i dont get is why he agreed to get back together if he really isn’t trying and doesnt like me or find me attractive anymore. I have been serving him and affirming him because I believe I should as a godly wife ans I also hope that it will create some love and change but it hasnt. I feel like i am losing it. I have always had a good, healthy sex drive so the sexual refusal on top of the horrible things he has told me and the past just make me feel like trash. I am trying to learn yo be content in this and with God and be a godly woman. To be the womab God called me to be. Maybe that’s part of the reason i am going through this. But i also hope it brings some love back and change in my husband. I am just feeling so lonely and hopeless and unloved.

    1. Ali,

      Goodness, this sounds very painful. 🙁

      Did y’all have any godly counseling as you tried to reconcile? Any spiritual support in your walk with Christ? Did he repent of his pornography and using dating sites and his alcoholism before you got back together? Are either of you in touch with Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery? Are you safe?

      How is your walk with Christ going? If you are up for it, we could do a little spiritual checkup. I want to be sure you are healthy and vibrant in Christ so that you will have His wisdom and power to hear His voice and His prompting.

      If you are interested in spiritual and emotional healing in Christ, please check out this post and read RadiantandRedeemed’s comments and prayers. Much love!

      1. It is very painful. We did not receive any counseling. When he agreed to get back together it was a huge deal. He had nothing to do with me before, so I took it as the Lord working in him and it being a step towards change. He’s adamant about not receiving counseling. He says if i bring it up again he’s leaving. He said he did it because he hated me and hated that i brought his alcoholism to light. So im very afraid to speak up.
        I have reached out to my church for individual counseling and haven’t heard back yet. I did give a small back story stating there’s marriage trouble but he won’t come for help and i just need counseling for myself. Im waiting to hear back. Im praying it doesn’t backfire. We just moved to “start fresh” so I haven’t made any close female friends yet. Im fearful of revealing any of my hurts to anyone. I dont want to cause more damage or scare anyone.

        We did try celebrate recovery for awhile and it was good for a time. He’s not getting drunk anymore but still drinking. Now it’s more of an anger issue and like he’s punishing me for leaving him when I had every right to. He doesnt understand that i forgave him by coming back and that we still have to heal and work through issues and trust. It doesnt mean i havent forgiven or love him.

        My walk is healing but I could use a spiritual check up. You can help with that? I SO want to be healthy and vibrant in Christ! I want to reflect him and be the godly woman I was meant to be! I have a lot of trouble hearing His voice with all of this turmoil.

        1. Ali,

          How I wish you had both gone through solid, godly counseling before getting back together.

          The issues you are facing don’t scare me. You are not beyond the reach of Jesus, my dear sister! 🙂

          From what you are describing, you did have justification to leave if he was unrepentant about those things. Do you believe you are safe at this time?

          Yes! We can do a spiritual checkup together, and then we can pray together for God’s healing for YOU first, then for your husband. 🙂

          If you are ready, here are some questions for the checkup:

          1. What is your relationship with Christ? How do you believe you are made right with God?

          2. What are your biggest fears?

          3. How is your time with God going? What are you reading in the Bible? What do you pray for?

          4. Where do you find your security and identity?

          5. What do you believe you need to be happy?

          6. What kinds of negative things do you tell yourself about God or about yourself?

          Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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