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Some Questions for the Husbands

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If you are interested, we would LOVE to hear your perspective on these questions. You can answer as many as you would like. I am looking for answers that will most help wives understand their husbands’ hearts and to be strong teammates with their husbands.   I may quote you in future posts and possibly in a future book, so, if you do answer, then you are granting me permission to share your words.  Thank you in advance for your answers.

Sometimes when wives hear from other husbands about how husbands feel and think – it impacts women in powerful ways. THANK YOU for being part of this ministry! The men who answer hear are a wealth of information for us as believing wives.

Ladies,

You can ask your husband these questions and share his answers if that is ok with him! You can ask him in generalities if you would like, instead of what he would want you specifically to do. Or, if you are feeling really brave, you can ask him specifically what he would like you to do. You are welcome to share either way.

 

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

 

 

 

70 thoughts on “Some Questions for the Husbands

  1. Oh boy, this could take a while 😉 I’ve been talking to a guy I work with on this subject and what the Bible says and he’s just loving it! I try daily to spread Gods word and His design for marriage and it is just a great blessing to see more and more men stepping up and trying to resolve issues and make their families better, stronger, and happier. April, I will think this one over for a few and start typing after supper tonight. You are an angel among many….God bless you 🙂

    1. Bryan,

      Take your time! No rush at all.

      Thank you for being willing to share. I know you love your wife very much and I am so excited about what God is doing in your marriage!

  2. I think being ignored in a passive type of way. not wanting to do anything much with the guy/husband. showing intense interest in children, outside interests, other friends, having nothing much to say really……….this all adds up over time to make a guy feel like he’s unimportant. i think most women are content once they have kids, a nice home. men are needed mostly for income after that point.

    1. Marc,

      I can definitely understand how a husband could feel unappreciated in a situation like that.
      So, let’s see if I am hearing you properly. As far as positive things a wife could do, she could:

      – be interested in doing things he enjoys with him
      – show interest in him and make a point of putting him above their children and friends and other family and interests (if you would want to elaborate on how a wife could do this specifically, that would be awesome)
      – be excited about hearing about his day, his concerns, his hobbies, his priorities, his job and his life

      Does that sound right?

      What would make you (or you could just talk about men in general) really feel appreciated, desired, needed, respected and/or loved by your wife?

  3. From my husband:
    1. Don’t spare me so much. Don’t try to keep normal life stresses away from me. I don’t like going to the grocery store, but I know it’s part of life. I think it is a little mothering and demeaning. It feels like you’re trying to protect me.
    2. Allow us to do our God-assigned tasks. That’s what we are built for. Let us fail or succeed but still be there. When you stopped picking on my bad qualities, it bolstered my trust.
    3. Be adventurous in the bedroom. But it’s tough because from a man’s standpoint, you’re the wife and mother of his children. Sometimes it helps for the wife to show her sexual side.
    4. Believe in them. Don’t say I told you so. Don’t crucify him if his well intended plans don’t work out. The key is for you to be his biggest and unconditional supporter.

    1. H31,
      I am so excited that you are sharing your husband’s answers.

      Number 1 is very interesting to me and is not something we have talked about a lot here. He interesting that some husbands may feel disrespected if we try to protect them too much. We may need to dig a bit more deeply on this issue.

      I love his very practical suggestions. I know many marriages will be blessed by what he has said. Thank you!

  4. 1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

    Pleasant demeanor when we come home. Verbally appreciate when we do things around the house. Smile. Offer a massage. Imagine if we all treated our spouses like we treat customers and co workers at our jobs.

    2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

    Dress modestly. Immodest dress says to your husband his attention is not sufficient for you and you need attention from strangers. If you’re getting dressed or picking out clothes to buy and have to ask if it fits the definition of modest…it doesn’t.

  5. 1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?
    **When we started our journey, I asked her to pray with me. I think this is the strongest and most intimate thing a couple can do together. The next very important key is that she shows her respect for you. At home, in public, with family, always. Men are much happier when they know that their wife respects them. It’s an ego booster for sure, so be careful, men, don’t let it make you too prideful.

    2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?
    **I feel very blessed when my wife lifts me up. She supports my (sometimes radical) ideas and/or goals. Even if they don’t always turn out the way I envisioned, she’s always there to support me. Also, she does so many things around the house to make my life (after a long day at work) a lot simpler. From fresh coffee, clean laundry and a peaceful environment, to hugs, kisses and a desire to please me sexually, I feel VERY blessed!

    3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?
    **It may sound “old fashioned” or maybe (to the modern feminist) sexist, but if women took better care of their home, kids, appearance, etcetera, their men just might be a lot happier. Maybe it’s just me, but, I like coming home after a long day to a clean house, quiet kids, a nice meal, a wife that cares about her appearance, and things of that sort. MUCH more enjoyable than loud unruly kids, a messy house, and a wife in “cruddy” clothes. Also, try to take/show an interest in the things he likes. I love fishing with my wife, long drives, cheesy movies, classic cars, and we even discuss politics without arguing! I know, weird huh?!

    4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?
    **Simple…Prayer (for their man and together), outward respect and devotion, and positive feedback!

    1. Bryan,

      Thank you very much for this! You always bless me when you share your heart as a husband and man of God. Thank you for your constructive ideas and suggestions. This is beautiful!

      1. You are the true blessing! For running this blog, spreading the message of Godly women and marriage, and helping to bring God back to the center of it all. I pray that more and more women come to “see the light” as it were and make the change. I do my best to talk to as many men as I can about it all, and it’s met with a 50/50 following. I “argue” with feminists all the time who say that basically Gods word is outdated or misinterpreted to the benefit of tyrannical men. Unfortunately, until they truly believe in God and His wonderful design, they will continue to be a thorn in the backside that I can’t seem to pluck out. :/ It can be rather frustrating at times. You are an amazing woman for doing what you do. I pray that your following grows and more women grow to know His word. Also, that more men see their true roles in all this as well. Men have just as much changing to do as well. It’s one thing for the wife to become the way God calls her to be, but if her husband rebukes the teachings for his role, it’s kind of pointless. However, I believe that if those women made the change, their men would be MUCH happier and not seek divorce or cheat. Sorry, I think I’m rambling again…I do that sometimes 🙂 Keep up the wonderful work and may God continue to bless you.

        1. Bryan,

          Any good in me is definitely from Jesus. How I pray He might be greatly exalted here!

          Thank you for the encouragement and support. I appreciate it!

          That is the standard mentality even among women who call themselves Christians today – that the passages of scripture about women and about marriage are no longer “culturally relevant” and that God “didn’t really mean them.” Of course, that is the idea that feminism implanted into the church over 100 years ago – to question God’s existence, to undermine the authority of God, to undermine the authority structure of the church, to undermine the authority structure of the family, to undermine the authority of Scripture, to destroy God’s design for masculinity/femininity/marriage and to establish new (unbiblical) definitions for masculinity, femininity, marriage, sexuality, family and the church. The book Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley is a fantastic historical account of feminism and after explaining the history of what has happened over the past 200 years, gives women God’s truth about His design for femininity, marriage and family.

          Yes, men have been marinating in the same ungodly ideas that women have – most of us for all of our lives. Men do have changing to do as well. Thank you for working on teaching men God’s design and encouraging them to love their wives with the love of Christ and to put Christ first and build their families and marriages on God’s Word and on faith in Jesus.

          You are most welcome. You and your wife are such a blessing to me! Thank you for the prayers!

    2. Hmm. With all respect, let me ask if you have ever tried running a home/taking care of kids/babies, cooking/nursing/getting up to kids at night/tending to family’s emotional needs for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for years on end? What if you never had a lunch break or never got to finish a cup of coffee before it got cold? What if, on top of all the above, you were supposed to keep up a perfect appearance?

      Believe me, all women dream of a ‘clean house, quiet kids, a nice meal and a cared for appearance.’ If we could get these things just by working a little harder, then we would. The best thing a hsuband can do for a his wife is not critisize her but to come home with ready to eat food and say to her, ‘Go and lie down / read a book / visit a freind. I will hold the baby and feed the kids.’

      After all, that is what Christ would do.

      1. The Moon,
        Hey! You know what? There are absolutely things husbands can do to bless their wives, too. They have their own end of the relationship to work on and have even more responsibilities before God than wives do.

        I would really like to keep the focus of this particular discussion on what wives can do to bless our husbands because I am only writing for wives about what we can do.

        Thanks so much! 🙂

    1. I really need your help been with a girl 8yrs was trying to get married n talking about it 4 months ago then it just dropped off in June n said she was done since then I’ve cried to her she cried to I told her I love her n was mean trying to be tough but I do love her tlkd to her again another time we cried n.shared things n talked n feel like were gunna wrk it out but then I txt her too much she don’t respond so I smother her!

      1. Ruben,
        It’s great to meet you! I don’t know much about your situation. So she feels smothered? What does she say she needs?

        Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

        What do you believe you need to be happy in life?

        Why did she break up with you in June?

        I’m so very sorry for your pain!

  6. 3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

    Men have fragile ego’s that need a certain style of stroking. A man’s confidence and success is directly tied to feeling desired, respected and appreciated. Hearing your wife compliment you especially publicly or to her friends shows she respects you and makes a guy feel like a million bucks. I’m not sure I would jump on the bandwagon of “be into the things he’s into”. Quite frankly I’d be a little creeped out if all of a sudden my wife sat down to watch a baseball game with me or overheard her and her friends analyzing last nights Patriots game. Would I want her to watch a softball game I was playing in? Absolutely but it would really seem odd if she wanted me to train her in how to play so we could be teammates. It depends on your husband and what and how he would respond to your “interest”. We may not have the emotional radar you do but we know when you’re not really into something.

    4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

    Pray for us, pray with us and remind us periodically that you are praying for us. Men like to be reminded that you really are in our corner and have our back. A husbands life and death are in the hands and heart of his wife. Knowing I’ve done something to make my wife happy makes me feel good. Hearing it from her with a smile is an uplift like nothing else.

    1. Thank you so much, Jeremy! Your points are important and very helpful.

      I had to laugh about how you would respond if your wife suddenly got TOO interested in baseball!

      Thank you very much for helping to bridge the gap between husbands and wives and for helping the ladies understand our men (and men in general) better.

    2. That’s interesting, because my husband knows I’m not particularly interested in sports (or at least, I wasn’t before) but I will sit and watch football games with him, or basketball, or golf. He doesn’t mind me asking questions so I can learn more about it. It’s just fun.

      I don’t think I’m really into the same kinds of movies he is, but I will sit and watch them with him, and I normally end up enjoying them.

      On the other hand, he makes sure I know how silly he thinks some of my TV shows and movies are, so that’s not quite as much fun when he tries to be into the things I am, because I know he’s really not. 🙂 If a wife makes an effort to learn more about the things their husband likes, not necessarily pretending to like them, but at least enjoying that they can do that thing together, I think it can be a very good thing.

  7. Wow April and blog readers ! Now that we have a blank cheque here goes:
    (Thanks to Greg for all this)

    1. What are some things that you would like to
    ask your wife to do for you that you believe
    would make your marriage stronger?

    – She is available for sex.

    – Is good at making meals and learn better stuff from time to time.

    – A good home-keeper.

    – she is keen on being smart and good-looking even after marrying this dude.

    2. What are some practical things wives can do
    in general that would make their husbands feel
    very blessed to be married to them?

    – Gentleness in how she talks to her husband.

    – shows visible priority of husband over kids. The kids have legitimate need for attention but it should be obvious
    where her basic loyalty lies.

    – she is available as a helper when called upon without seeming to imply she is always doing this other more important thing.

    3. What can wives do that would make marriage
    enjoyable for husbands?

    – Giving gifts -doesn’t have to be a diamond studded bracelet ! Just visible proof that she wants to make you happy.

    – She is available for companionship and makes this one of her priorities (this is distinct from just sex).

    -She makes effort to learn what makes him happy and is committed to it.

    – She is keen to learn ways to continually improve her marriage and is not slovenly (ie allowing the water to find its own level). To acknowledge there is a better way that can bring more happiness.

    4. What are the most powerful ways wives can
    inspire and encourage their men as husbands,
    fathers and spiritual leaders?

    – Not being independent when she makes decisions and consults her husband on relatively major to major decisions.

    – Trusting what the husband is doing is good/important. Allow him to even fail when he insists so he can learn from his mistakes. It is like showing the captain of the ship that your trust his leadership. This is an extreme motivator (my personal humble opinion).

    – Openly showing respect for him to the kids ( by acts and words) even by comments made when the husband is not present.

    – she knows she is not perfect and does not have to be the perfect wife but is willing to try on the above areas and others that she receives feedback on from her husband.

    1. Swift,

      I think this is a fantastic representation of what many, many husbands would deeply appreciate in marriage. I know this will be a blessing to many wives and I am excited to share this and some of the other responses in a post in the coming weeks.

      I thank you for your time and your perspective. Sometimes women are able to read something another husband says and realize that this may be how her husband feels, as well. It helps wives to see that their husbands needs and desires are valid and important. I believe your words will bless many marriages!

  8. These are very tough questions because my gut reaction is I want to say she doesn’t need to do anything, I’m meant to be there for her. After twenty eight years of marriage I have learnt that we both are so much more than the people we thought we married and this places so many more demands on both of us to always grow ourselves. If my wife read my answers and went and did them it would just not seem right and I would probably draw away. If on the other hand she spends time learning who I am (actually its no different to God is it – we always say we don’t want to know about Him we want to know Him!!).

    Sounds like a cliche answer I’m so sorry but it’s sitting around the fire stuff. My wife and I spend a LOT of time together and always have and have a LOY of similar interests. We are often best friends but with that you find all these other aspects to the person that cause you to go “whoa – who is this person?” and then you have to walk through that with a lot of faith to once again find that person on the other side.

    I have tried to do all the things that my wife likes, some of those require very significant character changes in me and some don’t but I don’t really notice that it makes that much difference. Some are “administrative” eg finances, so that the marriage runs more smoothly but I sure hope they don’t write on my gravestone “he was good with money”. But it takes pressure off life generally.

    My wife certainly doesn’t do everything that would make my life easier or me feel more “valued” as a person or a husband but I kind of don’t care really…I have just so so much to learn about love myself first – I’d need to live to about 1000 years old!

  9. I think that the vast majority of wives would love to have fit bodies, a clean home, made up appearances, spend plenty of time with our families, and make healthy meals. I have found that I have to pick 3. I just can’t do it all. No matter how hard I try! And forget just sitting around with my husband! The laundry won’t fold itself and my hamstrings aren’t going to become defined while I just sit around. Honestly, taking car of our bodies and spending time with our families are the only things that provide long term dividends. I’d love to have everything look good (me and the house), but the gym, healthy food, and childcare eats up all of my time. The only women I know who manage to pull it all off are very wealthy (80k cars, multiple homes, exc) or do not have little kids.

    1. Lisa,

      I think you have some very valid points! We may not be able to do all of these things at once. Maybe we can ask our husbands to help us determine what our greatest priorities should be, that would most bless them. There are time constraints, after all!

      1. very realistic response. we all have wish lists. i think most women are very tired from dealing with kids all day and/or holding down a job. seems like husbands should just accept that reality and be content with current situation. there can always be some areas to improve on but i think for the most part, husbands and wives are doing the best they know how. we live in a demanding world

        1. Marc,
          I agree that everyone is doing the best they can at the moment with what they know and how much stress they are carrying. My experience with wives over the past 2.5 years blogging about these issues is that many wives assume their husbands have the same desires, needs and wish lists that the wives do. Sometimes we spend so much time doing things for our husbands that would mean a lot to us as wives. And sometimes, those things we wear ourselves out doing so much aren’t even things that our husbands actually value.

          My hope is to help wives learn to better understand how different our husbands are and how their needs and preferences may be different from our own. Obviously, each husband has his own wish list – just like each wife does. But sometimes, especially for wives whose husbands are very shut down right now or not very expressive, hearing these kinds of things from other husbands can help wives better understand what their own husbands may desire, need or feel.

          And, I hope to have a post about this issue in the next week or so – I think we may also need to sit down and talk together as a married couple and look at our priorities. Are there things that a wife can take off her plate so that she can focus her limited time and energy on things that matter the most to her husband and will be best for her family? Many times, there are extra activities, or even work hours or church ministry hours that could be cut in order for a wife to have more energy to spend ministering to her own husband and family.

          Yes, there are plenty of things husbands can do to strengthen a marriage, and there may be times a wife needs plenty of understanding and patience from her husband. I actually don’t teach husbands at all – my entire focus is to teach wives to obey Titus 2:3-5, Ephesians 5:22-33 (the part for wives), I Peter 3:1-6 and the rest of God’s Word about how we can be godly wives no matter what our husbands may or may not be doing at the time.

          I appreciate your comments so much! Thanks for sharing!

      2. Hi April, I just wanted to make one small ( but BIG) suggestion to couples. Please be sure to SLOWLY implement the changes so that your mate will not get defensive. I admit, I get ‘uncomfortable’ with drastic changes because I used to ‘sadly’ think the worst :(. The majority of the time -if we are sincere – we ALL want to make a quick change – but don’t weigh the consequences.

        1. Raphael,

          Thank you for this! I think many wives want to change everything all at once as soon as we read something about it. I know Greg really hated that, too. He told me before that change can be scary for a husband, even good change. It can be hard to know what is really happening and what a wife’s true motives are, especially if she has been very controlling in the past.

          I appreciate your insights!

      1. Thanks! I’m part of a Facebook group called “Fit and Fabulous Mamas”. The women look good! Some compete in bikini contests. Most, if not all, have a six figure income (can’t imagine how hard it would be on a budget). I’ve asked them how they do it all and most of them said that their houses are often a wreck, they always wear workout clothes, and they sleep in their clothes, lol! It turned out that none of them were “doing it all”. And I have to say, when I run into these ladies at Whole Foods or the chiropractor, they are in gym clothes with their hair pulled back! I want to do it all so bad. I see myself as a winner, but like April said, there are only so many hours in a day.

          1. You know what’s weird? It seems like the reasonably fit women and the super muscular women do the same exercises and heavy weight. I wonder what the differentiating factor is? A super low carb diet? Anyway, yeah, some women turn into beasts!

    2. Lisa,

      I can feel your “pain” when it comes to time constraints. I think most women these days that have a full time job, kids, etc., get frustrated because there never seems to be enough time in a day for everything. I work a full 40 hour week outside the home, trying my best to help raise three teenagers (not easy these days…lol), and I battle with Fibromyalgia with fatigue syndrome.

      I was overwhelmed with it all for a long time it seemed. I found that prioritizing was my best friend. I am away from my house for 12 hours during the day with taking the kids to school and back and work. So this leaves little time in the evening to do major household cleaning. When I get home from work, I make supper and change into something that is pleasing for my Husband. Then I make sure each of the three children have one household chore during each night of the week to do, like dishes or litter boxes…etc. After supper I will put in a load or two of laundry that needs to be done or pick up the bedroom…etc. (each night I do only a few little things that are often different from night to night) and get coffee for my Husband. Then we usually sit together and relax for a bit while watching tv or talking about the day. After a bit I get up and do my exercises too. If I don’t, I will “feel” it the next day.

      About 9:30 or 10:00 my Husband and I sit together and check out facebook, blogs, or other media of our interests. (much like I am doing right now…lol) Then we will make sure the kids are in bed and pray together and go to bed ourselves. The weekend is when the rest of the household cleaning gets done by the whole family….we all pitch in. 🙂

      This is just an example of something that works for me. I know everybody needs to do something that works for them and their family. 🙂 Oh, and I pray A LOT and do bible reading during my work day when I can fit it in. I pray that God will continue to work within you and your family. Many blessings.

      Elise

      1. Elise,
        Thank you so much for sharing! Absolutely, a wife who works 40 hours/week or more has to prioritize even more carefully or time will completely slip away. I love that you involve the teens in chores – that is good for them, too!

        Thank you very much for sharing the practical ways you accomplish the things that are most important in your life right now – even with fibromyalgia (which is very painful and can be debilitating). You are such a blessing!

      2. You’re right, Elise! I have a fantasy about teaching my children to run the house so well that I can just sit around and read a book, lol! Or go on a vacation. I have a friend who did this. Her kids are awesome! They are so competent.

        1. i think marriages are often in a state of frustration because of the unmet expectations each spouse has for marriage. sometimes improvement in a few areas makes a huge difference. most of my friends who have gotten divorced re-married and this time with more thought given to such things as common interests.

          1. Marc,
            I totally agree that our expectations can cause so many problems!

            For anyone who is interested, I have a number of posts about expectations and how to let them go. You can search “expectations” on my home page. 🙂

  10. My husband said that marriage could be more enjoyable if wives would “play” more. The idea of shoulder-to-shoulder activities; wives getting out there and doing something fun with their husbands 🙂 As far as fulfilling the roles of fathers and husbands, he said that just having a wife that sees and supports the positive things he is doing means so much to him. As far as being a “leader” the big word was “respect”. Men don’t even want to partner with a wife on the big things if he makes decisions then a wife says “That’s nice, but you’re doing it wrong”.

  11. I was actually surprised my husband had answered the questions. I had gave him a heads up about and just asked to answer them if he wanted to. I never brought it up again. I actually forgot about until I received the email. This is from my husband:

    What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

    A: I believe that a wife isn’t the only person who should be doing something to make the marriage stronger. As a man, I should be putting my part in to make it stronger as well. A marriage is a 100% effort from both parties involved. But for the sake of this question, I would ask my wife to stay supportive of my work which I’m trying to make as our main income. Help me as much as possible and push me that much harder to make it all work in our favor.

    What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

    A: Be supportive of everything they do. Understand that what we are doing as husbands is always in the best interest of our marriage and not just ourselves, even if at first it seems that way. Always be there, but never nag to know what is wrong. Sometimes we just need support. We go through a ton of negative thoughts as men who need to provide for our family and it can get very tough and scary for us. Physically we may seem like we are ok, but deep down mentally we are afraid to fail, afraid to disappoint and afraid to let our wives down.

    What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

    A: Cook his favorite foods, have a cold beer for him ready when he gets home, or a mixed drink. Always look your best no matter what. We want to come home and see our gorgeous wives and know that we work and bust our butt for these beautiful women. We work to give them the world. Don’t nag us for something we may buy, want or do. Just let us be and know we always have the marriage, relationship, family’s best interest at heart and we don’t do things that would jeopardize the foundation and stability of any one of them.

    What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

    A: As a husband, be there for them and encourage them to go for what they truly believe in. Guide them with some insight. Let them know they are doing a great job even if we don’t feel like it. As a spiritual leader, speak words of affirmation that guide his mind towards God. Email him once in a blue with scripture or sermons regarding a mans duties to God and his family. And best of all let him know he is the the connection between God and your family and because of that connection blessings have come your way. Because he is a man of God, a God fearing man, your family is blessed.

    1. Katherine G.,
      I love this! Please thank your husband for sharing!

      I agree – both husbands and wives have plenty to do to make the marriage stronger. But since I only address wives here, I appreciate him sharing things that wives might be able to do for our husbands that would bless many of them.

      VERY helpful!

  12. What if you don’t care about your husbands interests and your efforts to hide it fail? My husband has a serious career pursuit that I try to pretend to be into, but he calls me on it all the time. My problem is that you can try your best to do the right thing in your marriage, but you can’t hide everything. I admired the man I married, but I have no interest in his new goals and interests. I feel guilty. He deserves a wife who thinks he’s interesting and awesome.

    1. Lisa,

      I think that you can say, “I care about YOU, so I want to hear about what interests you. X may not be my cup of tea. But I am glad that you love it and I want to hear about it.”

      My son is into video games. REALLY, REALLY into video games. And before that, it was Thomas the Train. Are those my interests? Nope! But he is my son. I love him. So if it is important to him, I want my son to know that I want to hear about the things that matter in his world. That is what we do when we love other people.

      I don’t think you have to fake anything. But I think you can have love, admiration, respect, compassion, kindness, good manners and a friendly demeanor about you as he shares with you. The Holy Spirit can empower you to do this! 🙂 I think you can also pray that God might help you develop more of an interest in what your husband is interested in. And, maybe you could spend a little bit of time researching that topic so that you can discuss it from a more knowledgable viewpoint.

      Thankfully, God can change YOU to be a wife who thinks your husband is interesting and awesome. You don’t have to love the things that interest him. But you can learn to appreciate those things and appreciate him and his knowledge and passion.

      Much love!
      April

      1. I actually have the same problem with my son! He can tell too, though! It hurts his feelings too. I try to act interested, but he can see through it. Maybe I need a less perceptive family.

          1. It’s confusing. I can change my outward behavior, but feelings are harder. I love my husband. He’s a nice guy. I’m just not very attracted to him or interested in him. He doesn’t need to make any changes. He doesn’t do anything wrong and he is a fit as he can get, I guess. He thinks we have a wonderful marriage. We do in many ways. We are good friends. He’s like the guy at work who you laugh with in the break room. You like being around him, but you don’t want to be husband and wife. I’d like to see some tips for women who aren’t attracted to their husbands, or interested in them in a romantic way. I say out loud from time to time (I should probably do it more) that I am attracted to him and I try to go over things that are attractive about him in my head. Attraction is pretty hard to force. I wonder what people in arranged marriages do?

          2. How do they deal? I’ve always thought that there must be a lot of men in the same boat. Many women change drastically after marriage. Healthy food is expensive, though, and so are gym memberships, clothes, and good haircuts, so I don’t completely fault them.
            How do you pretend to be interested in intimacy without sinning (fantasizing a out someone else)? There has to be some sort of “how-to” out there. People have been married to spouses they weren’t attracted to since the beginning of time.

          3. i think eating healthy is less expensive than unhealthy foods which ultimately lead to health issues. i dont eat fast food very often. guys here at the office eat it 2-3 times a week which i figure costs them about $100-$125/month. I belong to a gym that costs me $55/month. i also dont need meds for anything which i feel blessed but i also work hard to stay fit. i think some men and women just don’t care how they look after they get married. i have a hot woman who works for me and she told me once she gets married, she is quitting the gym, cutting her hair short and then she’s going to eat more the junk food that she misses. i dont think her attitude is unusual.

          4. Leta was me, Lisa (not my name either. I need to change to something godly that isn’t a name). I’ve been texting a Leta. She’s actually the friend who turned me on to this blog!

          5. Leta,

            Actually, I have great news for you!!

            As you learn to focus on respecting your husband genuinely, you can develop much more attraction for him!

            Please check out the post at the top of my home page about Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction.

            And, I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page about respect and disrespect as well. I would love to hear what stands out to you after you read them. 🙂

          6. Leta,

            Oh!

            Also, how is your relationship with Christ? He is the only one who can change things on the inside. But as you cooperate with Him, He can transform you by His power. 🙂

          7. My relationship with Christ is pretty goo. It’s obviously better more time I can spend in the word. I’ve been very respectful for over 3 years now. He is more attracted to me, but I’m not more attracted to him. I think I sowed some seeds that are hard to get rid of. I had sex with a few boyfriends before marriage and my husband was no exception. I was thinking about breaking up with him when I found out I was pregnant. I sobbed all the way to our wedding. He is a good man, though, and deserves a good wife. He thinks he has one. I hate being attracted to other men. I hate that I struggle not to think about them. I never behave Inappropriately though.

          8. Lisa,

            Hmmm… You may be right. It is certainly possible to develop a sexual appetite outside of marriage, and then to have a hard time being content in marriage.

            However, God IS able to heal you and to heal your marriage.

            How far are you allowing your thoughts about other men to go?

            Are there any sins you need to repent about to God?

            What are you doing to focus on the positives about your husband and to thank God for your husband and appreciate your husband?

            What are his strengths? What do you admire about him?

            I want you to be much more than respectFUL. My prayer is that God will help you transform your mind and heart and to actually respect and admire your husband for the man he is and to be completely content in Christ first and foremost, but also to be content in your marriage with your husband.

          9. I do well with behaving godly except during intimacy. Then I cave. I don’t want to not fullfull his requests, but I can’t do what he asks without thinking of someone else, if you understand what I mean. I just don’t find him physically attractive and its not his fault.

          10. Lisa,

            What do you want to happen? What would you like to happen in your marriage? What would it take to make you happy?

            Where is your focus? What are your goals in your marriage?

            Much love,
            April

          11. Lisa,
            Thankfully, none of the commands God gives us for a godly, healthy marriage have anything to do with feelings. Obedience comes first, feelings often follow. But the main goal here is not our feelings. The main goal is to seek to please Jesus and to BE the spouse God calls us to be.

            I know that I (and many other wives I know) have allowed our feelings to be more important than God in our hearts, or more important than our husbands. It is actually possible to have our feelings as idols in our heart. A weird concept, I know. But – that is the American way. “I have to feel happy! If I don’t feel happy, then I am justified to do anything I want so I can feel happy.”

            Of course, that is not God’s way at all.

            God desires us to be HOLY. Our happiness is not a primary goal of God’s. However, as we follow Christ with all our hearts and allow His Spirit to have control instead of our old sinful nature, He gives us His JOY which is much more powerful and satisfying than worldly happiness.

            I believe that this may be a great time for a really deep time of soul searching.

            You may want to check out some of the posts on my blog – you can search my home page for:

            – discontentment
            – contentment
            – idol
            – idolatry
            – feelings
            – romance
            – why do i have to change first
            – expectations

            I’m right here if there are issues you want to talk about, my precious sister!

  13. 1) Accept the posibility that ‘I may have told you about _____’ and you just forgot. No one remembers every word from every conversation. On occasion, a simple “I’m sorry, I must not remember that conversation” would be nice.
    2)Pay attention to the little things that irritate me and try to eliminate them. I’m not going to divorce you on account of them, but they do bother me.
    3) Be willing to experiment sexually. (even slightly) Just because it is good enough for you, doesn’t mean it is for me. The same thing everytime can get boring!
    4) Be at peace whenever you can. Life can be rough, but God says ‘fear not’, ‘don’t fret’, and ‘believe’. I’m trying to be strong and make decisions based on His Word. Don’t second-guess what God says. I’m not perfect, but He is.

    1. Mark,

      I love that suggestion in number one. Fantastic wording!!!

      Of course, all 3 of these ideas are very productive and I think would bless many marriages. Thank you for sharing your insights!

  14. I asked my husband these questions in an email, and here are his responses. He asked if he was okay to include the things that I’m already doing, so that was very helpful!

    1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger? Be more confident in her decisions and beliefs. Sometimes it is ok to disagree on topics, and I respect her opinion. I respect my wife when she voices her opinion in a positive way. Understand more about how intentional I am about spending time with her and our family, but there is a balance with work and home responsibilities that take some of my time away from the family.

    1. Things my wife already does: Stays strong in her Faith with daily time in the Bible and prayer. Encourages and supports me in everything that I do, and decisions I make. Doesn’t judge me on my past mistakes and errors in life.

    2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them? This depends on the man, as each of us perceives caring from our wives in a different way. Some, it’s the physicality, some the doing (cooking, cleaning, etc.), others the heart connection (notes, cards, texts, emails)

    2. Things my wife already does: She is strong in all of the areas listed above, but at different times. She knows that the simple thing of making sure I have pressed shirts from the dry-cleaners, takes a big burden off my shoulders. I understand she doesn’t like to do that task herself, but she makes the effort to arrange that they get done. She gets, that for me, it’s the little things. A simple touch on the shoulder when I am stressed or upset about something. My wife doesn’t like to cook, but tries to at times. The effort is always appreciated, but she also can stress over it. Keep it simple.

    3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands? Become psychologists???? Men are strange creatures, and I know that there are times my wife sits there and wonders why my moods turn. For me, I would like my wife to learn what makes me tick in certain situations, and know that asking me, “what can I do to help?” isn’t always what is needed. Yes I am expecting the impossible, figure it out without discussing it. LOL. I would like her to be more aggressive physically at times, as far as initiating it, yet understand when I want to be the aggressor. Again, probably asking too much, but hey, she asked me to answer these questions, right???

    3. Things my wife already does: Intentional about asking me what more she can do. Hey it’s a catch 22. I like that she is intentional about it, just sometimes would like her just to do, and see what happens. My wife is also an extremely respectful wife, and uses Biblical principles to govern who she is as a wife and mother.

    4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders? Be strong and encouraging. Be consistent. Good husbands want their wives and family to be proud of them, and it never hurts to hear it. Understand that as husbands, fathers, and spiritual leaders, there may be time constraints that pull them away from their families. It may not be what they prefer, at the time, but necessary nonetheless. When a wife expresses their pride, verbally, in notes, and when talking with others, it empowers men. Real Christian men don’t shy away from accountability. We may not like it all the time, but we excel in it. How does that encourage? When a man hears someone else talking about something positive their wife said about them, it encourages us, and also in a way holds us accountable from the standpoint of continuing to do the things she is speaking of. It’s awesome to me when my wife says she is proud of me, or appreciates something, but when someone else comments about something my wife told them about me, it is like more real. Hope that makes sense.

    4. Things my wife already does: She is a great encourager. The best. She gets it more times than not, and it empowers me. She is much stronger in her Biblical knowledge than I am, yet encourages me to lead our small study group. She constantly expresses to me what a good step-father she thinks I am to her daughter. She motivates me to stay connected with my own children. She is a wonderful mom, and that inspires me to make sure I am a solid leader in our home. It makes it easy, as she is so respectful and defers to me on final decisions. Some will be right, some will be wrong. We will talk through things, as I have great respect for her opinion, but at the end of the day, she empowers me to make the final call.

  15. Hello all. I am in a respectful and loving marriage. Something has happened recently that has shaken me up a bit and I want to confront my husband… before I do so I want to prayerfully consider how to do so and possibly talk to godly men and women who could help give me advice..
    My husband went on a trip for work recently with co workers who are not close to Christ at all, or have anything to do with Christ. My husband has been a good influence on them and is very strong in his faith.
    One of the nights I could not get a hold of him and he finally called me back apologizing saying he was at hooters and didn’t hear his phone.. he was very loving and said they all wanted a beer after a long day at work but it wasn’t his choice to go there. I had a bit of an attitude but later apologized.
    The following night I noticed on our phone logs he had exchanged 20 texts all together with a number I didn’t notice, and when I searched the number it was a girl from home who works at hooters here. He had a missed call from her and then instead of calling her back he texted her and they shared about 10 texts each and that’s it. When he got home last night he was so glad t see me and I was too! He told me he missed me so much and we shared a great night back together. I did have a chance to look at his phone, he is always very transparent with me about that stuff but when I checked he had deleted all messages from her. I’ve been praying for God to reveal to me what to do exactly, and I’d be lying if I’ve gotten a clear answer. Some times I feel I know in my heart it’s nothing and not to even mention it, but other times I feel if it was an innocent conversation why would he delete it and hide it from me? I’ve been waiting for the right time but now Tomorrow I have to go out of town for work and while I want to spend these last few nights we have together happy, I feel I need to just ask him. I’m worried he is going to say it was nothing but then why would he delete them? I’ve never had a problem trusting him, I feel I am a trusting wife but after this trip I kind of went crazy “investigating”. There has been small incidents in the past looking at porn that is maybe effecting my trust but that was a looong time ago and other than Tha t he’s never given me reason to not trust him. This just seems so odd to me and def not like him to be texting another girl. How can I respectfully approach him with th is and if I feel he’s lying how can I respectfully react? In the mean time I will be repenting of any sin in my heart and praying he can be 100 percent truthful with me and we can get passed it.

    If ANYONE has any advice or any thoughts on why he might delete messages anything is appreciated, I really need to confront him tonight considering I leave tomorrow morning.
    Thank you all.

    Trustingwife (I think)

    1. trustingwife,
      I see why you are concerned. I think any wife would be.

      I wonder if you can reaffirm to your husband how much you value his transparency, integrity, honesty and openness and how much you value that you can trust him and that you are so thankful he shares things with you so that you can always feel safe?

      Maybe the texts were innocent? But he may have felt that they wouldn’t look innocent. That could be why he deleted them.

      You could come straight out and ask him about the texts, in a calm, soft, gentle, respectful way – giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him the opportunity to explain. You can ask for him to please be transparent with you and share how much you value his integrity and transparency and honesty.

      I believe that this will take great sensitivity to God’s Spirit, I think reading “Confronting Our Husbands” could be helpful. But ultimately, only God can give you the wisdom, words, timing, tone and everything you need to know exactly how and when to approach this.

      It is not an emergency. You could wait. You can talk with him about this later. If you are not at peace with how God wants you to handle this, you could pray a few more days about it before attempting to confront him.

      Praying for wisdom for you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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