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7 Basic Needs of a Husband and 7 Basic Needs of a Wife – Rev. Weaver

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Usually today is prayer day. But my schedule has been suddenly disrupted this week – which is fine. God is certainly sovereign over that.

I have been wanting to share this post and am so excited to get to share it today with you.

From Rev. Harold Weaver’s marriage class, posted with permission. (Rev and Mrs. Weaver celebrated their 50th anniversary about a year ago.)

Ladies,

Please focus primarily on the needs of husbands. 🙂 If we allow ourselves to get too caught up in our own needs, it can often lead us to spiral into sin – particularly for wives who have tended to be controlling/disrespectful. I know it can for me! If things are not going well and you are feeling very discouraged or unsatisfied in your marriage, I encourage you to skip the needs of a wife and go directly to the needs of the husband – if you have already shared your needs many times, in particular. It is entirely possible to turn these legitimate needs into idols (things we put above Christ and seek to fulfill in illegitimate ways) if we are not careful to find all of our contentment, identity, security, peace, joy, purpose, acceptance, strength and hope in Christ alone. I have linked the class notes for each of the husbands’ needs so you can find out much more detail about each of the points about husbands.

Each of the basic needs of a husband has a link to the class notes on that heading that may be very helpful, as well. Enjoy!

7 BASIC NEEDS OF A WIFE

1. A wife needs the stability and direction of a husband who is functioning as the spiritual leader of his family.

2. A wife needs to know that she is meeting vital needs in her husband’s life and work that no other woman can meet.

3. A wife needs to see and hear that her husband cherishes her and that he delights in her as a person.

4. A wife needs to know that her husband understands her by protecting her in areas of her limitations.

5. A wife needs to know that her husband enjoys setting aside quality time for intimate conversation with her.

6. A wife needs to know that her husband is aware of her presence even when his mind is on other matters.

7. A wife needs to see that her husband is making investments in her life that will expand and fulfill her world.

7 BASIC NEEDS OF A HUSBAND

1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.

2. A husband needs a wife who accepts him as a leader and believes in his God-given responsibilities.

3. A husband needs a wife who will continue to develop inward and outward beauty.

4. A husband needs a wife who can lovingly appeal to him when he is going beyond his limitations and wisely respond to those who question his ideas, goals or motives.

5. A husband needs quality time to be alone with himself and with the Lord.

6. A husband needs a wife who is grateful for all he has done and is doing for her.

7. A husband needs a wife who will be praised by other people for her character and her good works.

 

AN UPDATE FROM GRACEALONE:

(From Peacefulwife – GraceAlone has had some very large tests in the past month and has had to face some of her greatest fears. There is often a time of great testing spiritually as we walk this road. So, don’t be surprised, my precious sisters, when those trials and tests come! We will all have them.)

Hi April!
So things have been going pretty good. God is definitely at work in my life. Slowly (sometimes extremely slowly), I’m seeing that I’ve got to keep working on my heart and my motives- this is tough!

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve said, “This is tough.”

However, I’m starting to see certain changes occurring. I still mess up at times, but try to just ask forgiveness from God and my husband and move on. I’ve noticed that my times of messing up seem to be fewer and farther between. Is the temptation to be disrespectful still there? Yes, at times that temptation is there. But, I try to remind myself that giving in to that temptation to be disrespectful only makes me feel worse in the end.

I have noticed that my husband seems to be genuinely concerned more for my well being. He seems to be trying more to make me happy.

I still struggle with me desire for children and intimacy, but something you said to me a few weeks ago just really hit me, it’s something we have all heard many times before, yet so true and this time really hit home for me. Anyway, you basically were just telling me to live and enjoy each day with my husband as a blessing from God and as if it were our last. When you constantly try to have that mindset, you are so much less focused on what your husband may or may not be doing for you to meet your needs.

I am still a very selfish person (something I am trying to work on and trying to let God work on me about it too), I still long for physical and emotional connections with my husband probably more than anything, and I still long for children, but I am learning that God cares about those desires too, and He is able to do much more with them than I ever could.

I am seeing that all that negative stuff I just kept piling on my husband day after day, year after year, he in turn began to put up a physical and emotional barrier that is so huge, that it will take years of God’s Spirit working in me and enabling me to be the respectful wife he created me to be to begin to chisel at that wall. There is still much work to be done in my life – God still has so much refining to do me.

If I’m not careful I can easily focus on the fact that my husband hasn’t changed in the areas I really want him to (yet), but I try to catch myself and focus on the small areas he has changed on. I thank God that “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete until the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6  I’m still a work in progress, but God is faithful.

35 thoughts on “7 Basic Needs of a Husband and 7 Basic Needs of a Wife – Rev. Weaver

  1. I just want to echo the comment from Gracealone about enjoying your husband. I wonder if other wives were like me and maybe through a combination of personality and modeling during childhood were taught to always protect themselves if they had been hurt. When I first spoke with April back in 2013, she told me to “enjoy my husband”. Now this was during a time when he’d hurt me by breaking a promise, and he had also hurt me deeply in the past. Honestly, the thought that I was allowed to enjoy him never crossed my mind. I subconsciously operated in a mode all the time that tried to protect myself and control his actions so he couldn’t hurt me. When he hurt me, it was like, oh darn, why’d you have to go and ruin it? Now I have to be the bad guy. Never dawned on me that I didn’t! Now, I do enjoy him every day, and I know I will not have to answer for his mistakes. I will answer for mine, and who’s got the time to worry about someone else’s sin when we surely have enough of our own?

    1. “I do enjoy him every day, and I know I will not have to answer for his mistakes. I will answer for mine, and who’s got the time to worry about someone else’s sin when we surely have enough of our own?”

      Thank you for sharing. It is as simple as that! I tend to want to make it so much more complicated! Enjoy your husband!

    2. H31,
      I love this comment. I feel like I relate to your situation and this is great advice. I’ve been respectful (not perfectly, but on the right track) for almost 3 months now and the last month especially, I’ve just been enjoying him. I love this insight you’ve given. I won’t have to answer for his mistakes. There was one situation in particular recently where I’ve been wanting to control because I didn’t want to get hurt. I think it was Sunday night that I just was like why am I trying to control this and even if I do it won’t stop him from doing it. It was such a relief to just give that up to God and trust him.

      Anyways…just wanted to let you know your comment was really helpful to me!

      Thanks!

  2. April
    I absolutely love and appreciate your blog and the ways it has opened my eyes. Thank you so much! I might have a silly question, but I thought if anyone could answer it, you could!
    Do women need to submit to their boyfriends?
    Now I realize your boyfriend is NOT your husband, but as a website has put it best, “Since your boyfriend is not your husband, isn’t submission in that relationship a bit misplaced?…but since I see dating as preparation for marriage, is it reasonable to think a girl could disregard what the Bible teaches about submission while dating and then suddenly flip the switch after saying “I do”?”
    I realize that this could’ve been placed on a better-themed blog, so I apologize for that! Thanks again 😊

    1. Maddie,

      That is a fantastic question!

      There was no such thing as dating in Bible times. There was only betrothal, which was legally as binding as marriage.

      It is my understanding that you are not commanded to submit until you are actually married. But, and I have some posts about this on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com, preparing for marriage and courtship should be a time of moving towards the marriage relationship. If you are not willing to trust or follow a man at all now, please don’t marry him! I believe there will be a progression that moves towards biblical submission as marriage draws near. Of course, if there is something you cannot agree to, you are not required to submit. But if there are a lot of issues you can’t agree upon and you are not willing to trust or follow your man before you marry, then, it would be questionable in my mind if you would suddenly be able to submit once you are married.

      Young women still at home are under their father’s authority until they marry.

      Be sure that you only date a man who is completely submitted to Christ and who wants to live for Him and obey and please Him!

      Much love!

      1. Thank you so much! I’ve been reading PSG all day, and I had no idea how much I could learn about God through dating, marriage, and guys. It’s opened my eyes and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it! 🙂 I am one of those young women that are controlling and dominating, and now that I’ve read your blogs, I can see where it is all coming from (the need for everything to be done my way (a.k.a. perfectly), insecurities (that I have to look after myself because no one else will)) and how much I’ve just walked over my boyfriend! I know certainly he would rather show his leadership capabilities, and I would love that also. I can’t wait to put this into effect, and I can’t wait to show him RESPECT! 🙂

        1. Maddie,
          Thank you so much for sharing. I am really excited about what you are learning and about all that God is doing in your heart. 🙂 I hope you’ll let me know how things go!

  3. Reblogged this on inlovelustandlaughter and commented:
    Does it matter if we come for a different space? Papabear and I enter all this from a personal space rather than a. Christian one. Yet everything this woman has to say applies to us. I’ll meditate on this question and write about it when I have something to say that matters.

  4. April,

    I have to disagree with this paragraph:

    “Please focus primarily on the needs of husbands. 🙂 If we allow ourselves to get too caught up in our own needs, it can often lead us to spiral into sin. I know it can for me! If things are not going well and you are feeling very discouraged or unsatisfied in your marriage, I encourage you to skip the needs of a wife and go directly to the needs of the husband. ”

    I don’t think it’s healthy to focus only on our husband’s needs. As wives we also have needs. It’s really quite unfair to both of you if you focus on his needs only because many men would want to meet their wive’s needs if they are aware of them.

    Better for wives to recognize their own needs and convey those needs to their husband’s respectfully.

    The critical part is making sure we know what needs should be met by God, rather than our husbands and don’t look for him to fill the hole in our souls that only God can fill.

    Trixie

    1. Trixie:

      I think I understand what you are saying, and I often have similar thoughts. Now, let me clarify. I think April’s heart is to let us know that our objective should be to fix ourselves – not our husbands, our joy should be from God, that we are called to do what is right as a wife, REGARDLESS of whether our needs are being met by our husbands and whether or not what they are doing is right. I know, I have had to yield to those things, and even in the broken state of my marriage, they have been very helpful to me. I also think April is teaching wives to allow God to fix us, and to leave our husbands to God. When we do that, we don’t get distraught about the failures of our husbands (or anyone for that matter), but we get joy from our own growth in God. I see that in my own life. My husband is certainly on the wrong path now, but my joy is from Christ alone, and I try to do what is right in my broken marriage, despite my husband’s failures. I cannot use the fact that my needs are not being fulfilled as an excuse to disobey God.

      However, I always agree that it cannot be wise/healthy to not think of our own needs. I tend to want to voice that a lot when sometimes, I think the points are presented in a way that seems to suggest that it is wrong to think of ourselves, or that it is wrong to have reasonable expectations of our spouses. I don’t think I could articulate it as well as you have, so I usually just don’t. I don’t think all expectations are pre-meditated resentment – I think we would be “mindless” if we have no expectations… they just need to be reasonable. Being a submissive wife, does not mean that we should ONLY think of the needs of our husbands (at least I don’t think so, I am nowhere close to being an expert at this thing, so anyone can feel free to rebuke me where I am wrong!). I don’t think we should “lose ourselves” in marriage. So I never agree with TOTALLY not thinking of our own needs. I like to see that point clearly as well.

      But, it is much easier to fulfill the needs of our husbands when we put our own needs aside and focus on playing our role as their helpers, you know, kind of how we do that for our children – put their needs above our own.So I think that is what April wants us to focus on, since we only have control over our own actions.Making our needs idols, and using the fact that our husbands fail to fulfill them as an excuse to dishonor our husbands (and God!) is wrong of course. But, I do think we should be very aware of our needs and respectfully communicate them at the appropriate time to our husbands…. I think that many women who cannot understand the Biblical teachings about submission, don’t because they feel that it means women should not think of their needs at all. That’s the way it was communicated to me in the past, and so I loathed the word. The same people who criticized women who were not submissive, were the same people who made me hate the word. Communicating it in a way that made it sound as if I should have no sense of awareness of my own need, would not attract me to it.

      So I guess all that roundabout/winding talking I have done so far :), is just to say that based on the knowledge I now have – I understand what April is saying – but I also understand what you are saying too Trixie.

    2. Thank you, Trixie.

      I am speaking primarily to wives who have been disrespectful and controlling (usually, not on purpose, of course) who have spent many years trying to force their husbands to meet their needs. That is my largest audience by far. So, for those wives, balance will be to focus on their husbands’ needs.

      Of course, if there are wives who have not shared their needs or articulated their needs, they may need to work more on speaking and voicing their needs.

      If a wife can read about wives’ needs and not become resentful, bitter and upset – that is great. But there are women who cannot do that, so, my warning was for them.

      My prayer is that husbands and wives will all find their needs primarily met through Christ and that husbands and wives will all be conscious of their spouse’s needs and desire to meet their spouse’s needs. I would love to see everyone’s needs be met and for every marriage to flourish. That is my heart.

      Yes, balance is definitely critical. Thank you for your point.

  5. I have seen similar items on other lists of husband/wife needs (for example, Willard F. Harley’s “His Needs Her Needs”) but one is curiously absent. Typically, husbands list “sex” very high in the top five, most often at number one. Not that women have no need of sexual intimacy in a marriage, but they typically place it much further down on their lists. Husbands generally find sex to be an essential expression of friendship and intimacy with their wives. I see this consistently in my sessions with couples as well. So, I’m wondering why it doesn’t even make the top seven on Harold Weaver’s list.

  6. @Prayinglikehannah,

    Thanks for the reply. I actually did understand what she was getting at, but that particular subject is much repeated here already. Balance is a good thing. 🙂

    1. Thanks. I think I knew that you understand what she was saying, and understood that you made the point not because you misunderstood her, but because it was important to repeat the need for balance 🙂

      Other note — you have been very silent until just recently. When I first “encountered” this blog, I used to read your comments a lot and learn a lot. Glad to be hearing from you again 🙂

  7. April, I totally needed to skip the ‘wife needs’ part of this message today and then move on to what GraceAlone has been learning. My husband dropped a little bomb on me last night and had my head swimming. I kept my poise and spoke briefly but honestly about how I felt, but on the inside I was all torn up.

    I was tempted to go to a girlfriend and spill those beans but I realized that would make me feel icky. I’m tired of repenting of that. I thought about letting him have it when he got home and then remembered that he NEVER hears what I am actually saying when I speak from raw emotion. I would also be in grave danger of sinning by saying something intentionally hurtful.

    It dawned on me that the kind of spiritual leader my husband chooses to be right now is not something I can control. Apparently he and God will have to do some wrestling of their own. Earlier in the day before my husband and I had that talk, an amazing opportunity came up that feels pretty darn close to answered prayer especially just prior to such a conversation. I’m learning that I don’t have to pressure my husband to meet my needs. My God is actually, literally doing that while both my husband and I are undergoing reconstruction…and I almost didn’t see it.

    It’s a good time to go deep in prayer for God’s will to be done in my husband’s life and recommit to self care so that I’m not depleted. Enjoying him will be difficult right now as apart of that conversation included more rejection. At the very least I can seek to enjoy watching him meet whatever needs he can with the children.

    1. “I was tempted to go to a girlfriend and spill those beans but I realized that would make me feel icky. I’m tired of repenting of that. I thought about letting him have it when he got home and then remembered that he NEVER hears what I am actually saying when I speak from raw emotion.”

      Thank you for not doing those things. Very, very wise!

    2. Refined,

      I am really glad to hear what you are learning from God. I’m so sorry that you are in such pain today. But I am greatly encouraged to hear how you are handling this situation and I pray for continued healing for you both. Praying for you today, my sister!

  8. My understanding is that #2 would be “god-given authority,” not just “god-given responsibility,” as women already believe men should be responsible for everything anyway, and don’t want to surrender back to us our god-given authority over how those responsibilities are decided and carried out.

  9. To GraceAlone,
    I enjoyed your post so much! I an relate to almost everything you said. It has taken me a year to come to the point of centering everything I do and think on Jesus Christ. It was very hard to do at first because I just couldn’t understand why my husband was emotionally, physically and spiritually withdrawn. Over the past year I have been involved with this blog and have learned so much that I am now THANKING the Lord for putting me through this journey. Had He not, I would still be the controlling maniac wife I’ve been for 20 years….and 18 years in a prior marriage before this one. I will never go back to that way of thinking again. I have watched my wonderful Christian husband go from not even wanting to brush up against me if I passed him in the hallway and hardly looking at me without hate in his eyes to more like the man I married. He seems to care how I feel about things, telling me he loves me again (a year ago he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he didn’t know if he loved me) and I see him growing closer to the Lord every week. He was withdrawn in every aspect. He is still not willing (or able) to be intimate with me but I know that will come in God’s timing and it will be amazing. Yes, it hurts me to the core to want to be held and loved and I yearn for it every minute that I’m awake, but I want him to want me and right now, he just isn’t there yet. But I am able to be respectful, happy and content in God love for me and will continue to pray for ME to be the one God changes so that my husband can once again feel safe with me.

    I am so blessed to have found April and this website and I thank God for her and pray that He blesses her to be able to continue sharing the knowledge that she gained by going through the same pain I have been through. She has helped me and prayed for me when I thought I couldn’t go on another day. I have come very very close to packing up and moving on. I’m so glad I didn’t now that I can see what God was trying to accomplish in my heart and life.

    1. LearningToLean,
      I praise God for what He has done in your marriage, for what He is doing and for His future plans for you, as well! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing with GraceAlone.

  10. My apologies – I was working or commuting all day yesterday, and was having a lot of issues with my eyes and tension headaches by the time I got home last night and couldn’t look at the computer until later.

    Thank you each for your comments!

    Thomas,
    That is an interesting question and great point. Rev. Weaver didn’t really address the issue of sex in his class. He said that wasn’t what this class was about. But – I believe that he gets close to that issue in need #3. However, I am sure that we could add that one to the list for many husbands (and wives, too!)

    Thank you, everyone, for the great discussion. 🙂

    1. A class on marital needs that “is not about sex?” Not sure why he would dance around such an important element of marriage (i.e. “the two become one flesh”). Hmm…

      If your female readers are interested in how to best meet the needs of their husbands, it seems that sexual fulfillment ought to be more than an afterthought, especially since so many husbands list it as number one! In fact, treating sex as an afterthought could very well be a problem in many of their marriages. Taking care of number three on the list is certainly important. But, it can, in fact, backfire if a wife exhibits inward and outward beauty only to neglect her husband’s number one need of sexual fulfillment. That can break a husband’s heart and really fuel resentment towards her.

      A husband that feels sexually neglected is also less likely to feel the respect and admiration he craves. So, if a wife wants her husband to feel respect as a man (Weaver’s number one), she needs to know how much sexual fulfillment plays a role in that and why so many men list sex as number one, over and above “respect and admiration” or “outward and inward beauty.”

      It also may be worth noting that, after some husbands have had affairs, many wives are shocked to discover that the “other woman” is not very good looking. In fact, the wife may be much more beautiful than the other woman. But, the husband gave in to temptation because he felt the other woman provided the combination of friendship and sexual fulfillment he so craved. The husband made a bad choice, obviously. My point is not to blame the wife for her husband’s infidelity, but to emphasize the importance of sex to the man in terms of how he connects to his wife. Also, it shows that men care more about their wives’ enjoying sex with them than how their wives look (to a point). Many wives neglect sex with their husbands because they don’t think they look “sexy” enough. These wives are shooting themselves in the foot by focusing on their body image rather than enjoying sex with their husbands.

      Many women are actually undermining their husbands’ need for respect and admiration by making their husbands’ need for sexual fulfullment an afterthought or behaving as if sex is not that important. So, just “adding it to the list” somewhere gives it a “tip of the hat,” but really doesn’t do it justice (especially since sex is what sets marriage apart from every other human relationship by God’s design).

      All due respect to Rev. Weaver, just some thoughts from my own, married-for-20-years, male, Christian, marriage therapist perspective. 🙂

      1. Thomas,
        Here it is! He talked about it under need #1, point #5. These are the class notes:

        Greg and I just finished our last session of “Seven Basic Needs of a Wife and Seven Basic Needs of a Husband” by Rev. Harold Weaver at our church, First Baptist Columbia, SC. I have received his permission to share his notes on my blog, and I am very excited to present this information to you! I believe that God will use this information to build your marriage to be so much stronger than you may have ever imagined for His glory!

        NEED #1

        A HUSBAND NEEDS A WIFE WHO RESPECTS HIM AS A MAN.

        A. Sometimes a wife can injure her husband’s manliness without realizing it. Some ways that could occur would be the following

        1. One way he could be injured is by you expecting him to know automatically what kinds or degrees of protection you need. (He can’t read your mind!)

        2. Another way he could be injured is by you conveying a spirit of independence by becoming financially secure apart from his provision.

        Love can be significantly diminished by self-sufficiency. Acknowledged need and the importance of interdependence are valid basic attributes of love.

        3. Another way his manliness could be injured is by you having greater loyalty to outside leadership than to your husband.

        I Cor. 14:35a “And if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home.” Although the direct application of this verse regards the church, I believe the principle applies in all relationships.

        This passage does not indicate that a woman is in any way inferior intellectually and must therefore rely on her husband. But rather it is an important way to strengthen the relationship between a husband and a wife and to encourage the husband to increase the quality of his leadership as the spiritual leader, rather than have his wife rely inordinately on outside sources.

        Another possible danger is that a wife’s spiritual activity could become a threat to her husband. In many cases she might be more spiritually mature than he is, but she should use that maturity to encourage her husband’s growth and be careful that it does not discourage his growth.

        4. Another way of potential injury would be by resisting his decisions in your spirit. Her external “yes” and internal “no” would result in doubts for him as a leader. It is best for her to share “no” if she feels “no.”

        Rather than resist his decision, she should learn how to appeal to him when she feels that he is making a wrong decision. The process of making an appeal to an authority is very important!

        5. Another way it is possible to injure his manliness would be by resisting his physical affection. Never use sexuality as a weapon or to get even. This is one of the most devastating injuries to a husband’s manliness.

        I Cor. 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

        Mutual submission of our bodies to each other protects the couple against sin.

        6. Another source of injury to his manliness would be by the wife taking matters into her own hands. If she takes control because she feels her husband has failed as a leader, this multiplies the effects of the failure in his life and doesn’t solve the problem. If a wife intrudes in one area of responsibility of leadership, the husband tends to surrender other areas, too. This quenches the spirit of leadership in the husband.

        Making a wrong decision is not the worst thing in the world. Decision making is a learning process as part of our sanctification as believers. We are to make decisions through the framework of scripture and base our decisions on the Bible. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he! We all have to change our way of thinking because our thinking drives our action. The decision-making process and sanctification are more important than an individual wrong decision. The long-term advantages of letting a husband fail will often be more than offset by what he might learn from that failure if the wife will be supportive.

        A husband’s success as a leader is dependent on experiences he receives in the leadership development process. The purpose of decision-making is to seek God’s will. He should always seek the counsel of his wife. A wife must be able to give all information from her perspective, explain her position and her view or her husband can’t make the best decision.

        Our sinful nature is to rebel against and resist authority. But if God ordains authority and puts me under authority, how do I know if any individual decision is of God or not? I must know the Bible! If a husband’s decision or counsel violates God’s Word, it is not of God. But if a wife decides to stand up to her husband on the grounds of what is biblical, she needs to be prepared to accept the consequences of resisting his leadership. A wife ought not use the Bible as an excuse to get out of her husband’s decisions. His authority is in place for her good.

        The world says

        – You have rights!

        – You stand up for your rights!

        – You sue if you have to!

        – Argue until you get your way!

        The humility of a wife can bring humility to a husband.

        Anyone under authority of any kind should communicate to his/her supervisor:

        “Part of my responsibility for being here is to make you a success. My objective is to make you a success and let the Lord handle my success. Your success is my success!”

        This attitude works on the job with a boss, or at home with a husband or with a spiritual authority at church or someone in authority in the government.

  11. Yay! I’m glad he had something to say about it. “This is one of the most devastating injuries to a husband’s manliness.” Exactly! I suppose that’s why I expected to see it as one of the “main” numbers on the list of a husband’s needs (rather than listed as a sub-topic).

    When the sexual relationship is satisfying for both spouses, it’s about 10% of the relationship. When the sexual relationship is going badly, it becomes about 90% of the relationship. Just a rule of thumb I learned in grad school. It seems that the sexual relationship is often a “window” into how the rest of the relationship is going.

    Thanks for sharing. Hope your readers take note of how important this is. 🙂

    1. Thomas,
      I hope they might read the notes under each subject. 🙂 And, yes, the sex issue is very important.

      Here on my blog, I actually have a large number of wives whose husbands refuse them sexually. Do you have any posts or suggestions for wives in that situation that you would be interested in sharing? I always appreciate your insights very much.

      1. Of course, I can only address things in generalities here. Each person and each couple is unique. It is less typical for the wife to be the sexually frustrated one, but I do see it happen. There can be so many reasons a man would reject his wife’s advances. Some possibilities include but are not limited to:

        Depression
        Fatigue
        Poor self regard
        Performance anxieties
        Erectile dysfunction or other physical limitations
        Heart conditions or other health problems
        Resentment towards his wife for some reason
        Intimate interest in and/or involvement with another woman
        Pornography
        Sexual identity issues
        Past sexual abuse
        Hormone imbalances
        A physical or hygenic aspect of his wife that repels him
        Simply being low on the spectrum of sexual drive/desire
        Feeling inadequate in terms of expectations of masculinity or body image
        Feeling threatened by his wife’s strength (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.)
        Unhealthy religious ideas about sex being dirty or a guilty pleasure, etc.
        Fear of having more children and responsibility to provide for them
        The list goes on…

        Some men are willing to talk about their issues while others never will due to pride or embarrassment. Some men may open up to a buddy, a physician or a counselor but not to their wives. Many men are reluctant to show weakness, especially to their wives. Many men also may not “fess up” for fear of hurting their wives or angering them with the honest truth.

        Some passive men with dominant wives may withhold sex as a means of control, to feel they are not powerless. A passive/agressive attitude.

        The possibilities are so multifaceted that each couple should consider “unpacking” the issue with professional assistance. There may be many layers to it, and trying to be your spouse’s therapist can cause even more problems.

        A wife in this situation may also need to explore her own motives and expectations about sex. There are cases where the man’s drive falls within “norms,” but a wife is trying to fill a void that sex (or her husband) was not meant to fill.

        Many possibilities. A good therapist might help.

  12. Another wonderful post ! And I enjoyed the comments as well! God is good! This is a good post to read, then re-read for more depth and understanding. Yesterday I wasn’t even brave enough to read the needs of the wives. I understand how focusing on these can turn on my sinful self to such a high volume it damages my walk. I was walking in “whoa is me” valley for a few weeks and it brought me down into a hurting, depressive place. God lifted me up as always when I finally released the fear and pain. It is such a blessing to hear from women that are walking with God, enjoying His grace, in times of trials.

    April I pray you are able to get relief from your headaches. Have you went to see if there is a need for a pair of computer glasses rx? Prayers you will receive relief quickly !

    1. Prayingwife79,

      I spent over 14 years of our marriage focusing on my needs and how Greg wasn’t meeting them and completely ignoring all of his needs because he didn’t verbalize them and I had no idea what his needs were. I wanted to know! But he couldn’t express his needs to me in words, and I was pretty awful at mind reading. I found power when I began to focus on what God wanted to change in ME and what He wanted ME to do and things I had control over instead of trying to convince Greg do things I thought he should.

      Amazingly, Greg is extremely sensitive to my needs and even my wants and desires now, 5.5 years into this journey. But it took a good 3.5 years before he felt safe with me again.

      Wives absolutely have legitimate needs. Unfortunately, I told Greg about my legitimate needs constantly, in a very disrespectful, controlling way – all day, every day for many years. That approach was extremely self-sabotaging in my life, at least.

      I personally put my needs on the back burner for a long time and learned to trust God and find all of my fulfillment in Christ no matter what Greg did or did not do and that is where I found God’s peace and joy. Now, I know that all I have to do is gently, briefly share my feelings, desires and needs, and Greg will usually do anything he can to bless me and make me happy. But even if he doesn’t do what I would like, which does still happen at times, I am able to be completely content in Christ.

      I’m so glad to hear that you are trusting God and that He is helping you to find healing from your pain and fear and depression. WOOHOO! God is VERY GOOD. 🙂

      Greg got me a pair of non-ex computer glasses, thanks for your concern and prayers. They are much appreciated! My vision is fairly good. My right eye has lost a bit of distance vision. I may have to get a pair of RX glasses with anti-glare and a bit of tint. I have been doing all of the other things the optometrist suggested, but am still having a lot of pain and strain with my eyes when I am on the computer much. He said if I was still having issues, to try a pair of RX glasses. I am very sensitive to light, and at work, there are large windows in my line of vision right behind my computer screen that force me to squint all day for 9 hours. That is another part of why I have been getting such severe tension headaches.

  13. @Thomas, I agree with your comments !!
    It is so surprising that the male author, Rev. Weaver, did not include sexual fulfillment in the top 7 needs of a husband. Let us get real here. The sexual desire of a husband (and of his wife, too) is given to us by God and He instructs married couples to engage in the sexual union frequently. Both respect and the sexual union should be listed as the Number 1 need of a husband, because a healthy husband feels most loved via sex with his cooperative and enthusiastic wife. Make no mistake about it, husbands need the sexual union for their emotional needs, to be appreciated and affirmed by their wives,
    I doubt if anything else comes close to fulfilling the male need for acceptance. And without the sexual union there really is nothing special and unique about the marriage, as basically every other part of a marriage can be enjoyed without sinning or an appearance of sin. Without the sexual union the husband and wife would be, in God’s eyes, not much more than roommates. Refer to “Understanding your husband’s sexual needs” – http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy.aspx
    @April, I now read the class notes, but Rev. Weaver still mentioned the sexual union only briefly. I agree with Class Note 5 stated on May 9th; that should have been included in the first list of needs of a husband. Any author, male or female, who does not list sex as a basic need of an adult appears less than credible.

    1. William RS,

      Thanks for sharing your concerns!

      Rev. Weaver is not hear to defend himself, sadly. But he talked at the beginning of the class about that this was not going to be a class with a lot of detail about sex. He is in his late 70s, I believe. And he mentioned how inappropriate some pastor’s approaches to this topic have been in recent years. He was going to be focusing more in spiritual aspects of marriage. He did include sex under the first need of husbands. And he spoke much more in class than is included in the notes.

      I completely agree that sex is a very important part of marriage and is a significant need for husbands and wives. I love how Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, describes sex as the glue that holds marriage together.

      I appreciate your insights and wisdom.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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