Kayla’s post, My Demon, is arguably one of the most powerful posts on my entire blog. It is such a God-inspired thing! God has used that post to open the eyes of thousands of wives to the source of the “voice” in our heads that accuses our husbands of evil constantly. My husband, Greg, wrote a post in response, called “The Voice in His Head” that also helped many wives understand their husbands so much more clearly. Those two posts have been mightily used by God in the past year and a half. I asked Kayla if she would like to do an update to this post now that some time has passed on her journey to become a godly wife, and I am so excited that she was willing to do so! I know that this post will greatly bless you, too! You can find Kayla at www.lessonsofmercy.wordpress.com.
Do you remember the post I wrote titled “My Demon” from September 21, 2012? I was just over a month into my new respect journey when this revelation kicked me in the gut. (If you’ve joined since then and never caught it, it’ll help to understand this post by reading that one first.)
In fact, that one post was shared on numerous sites. I answered a whole lot of emails and comments on this topic because it rang true for just so many of us women. And it was very evident at the time, I was just “one of you.” The post wasn’t written by a scholar in the least. My real, honest emotions and thoughts are what made it relatable to others. And the revelation and wisdom came straight from God – because I’d lived 10 years of marriage at that point (and 29 years of life) running wild with the thoughts and emotions that presented themselves at any given time. And never knew any different.
April sent me an email and asked me what I thought about writing a follow up to “My Demon” – 18 months later.
Here is a sentence from her email:
“I think it would be neat to hear how you hear the demon’s voice now, how often, the intensity, what you do, and how much stronger God’s voice is now and the kinds of things you focus on and think about now.”
I pretty much immediately told her, “I’ll think about it” while in my mind saying – “No way!” April’s blog is amazing. It’s eye-opening, full of brilliant wisdom, insightful, helpful, and pointing out deeply painful but necessary truths to helping women change and save their marriages from a lifetime of misery! But even more than that — it’s hopeful. Even the things that are hard to read, are hopeful. Change can happen, my marriage can be better, I can be a better wife, he can open up and lead as these changes take place — there is HOPE for something new!
And the truth? I don’t think a follow up to “My Demon” is going to offer the hope April normally posts on her blog.
But — maybe, just maybe, there are women out there who are just like me. And this post might be for you! So, I’ll answer these questions.
- How do you hear the demon’s voice now? how often and with what intensity?
I still hear my demon’s voice loud as ever and ALL THE TIME! He’s still a raging maniac full of accusations and specifics that beg to be entertained. He knows me full well, and the areas that I’ve learned to shut down permanently are rarely touched and new areas where he wasn’t attacking before, he’s thrown some boulders at wildly. He’s no joke. The closer I grow to my husband – the more respect I show my husband – the stronger the spiritual battle. The bigger threat we are to him, the more desperate he becomes and the more vicious his behavior.
- What you do when you hear his voice now? How much stronger God’s voice now vs. 18 months ago? What kinds of things do you focus on and think about now?
I’m back and forth on what I do. I’m such a sinner. More often than not, I refuse to entertain the begging thoughts and accusations against my husband. But sometimes, I still stumble in my flesh and I dabble in the game. My journey for respect hasn’t magically or quickly removed all my selfishness, expectations, and ability to see all my husbands faults and sins with a magnifying glass. Especially because WE TRULY ARE A BRAND NEW COUPLE, and in ways that I never stumbled before, there are all new ways to tempt me. Now, my husband does things for me he’s never done before and talks to me in a way we’ve never communicated, and if that seems hindered, it’s even harder not to jump to conclusions or freak out a little bit at the thought of that going away.
I hear God’s voice and I have allowed His truths to change so many of my behaviors and patterns, but I can’t say He’s always screaming louder than Satan. I have to intentionally be still and silent to hear God and in the middle of my wrestling — some times I feel so wound up I can’t sit still. Even if that just means pacing the floor in frustration while my husband is at work. It’s still a choice like it was before to go to Him and listen. In my experience, God rarely screams. Satan however is a beast, and he’s deafening at times.
What I focus on and think of now is being intentional AND unrelenting. (I talked about this word in January.) I make an honest attempt at turning my wild thoughts back on myself.
- Why do I feel this way?
- Am I giving too much weight to my husband’s short-comings and not nearly enough to his strengths and character?
- How did I handle this situation?
- Do I have disrespect to apologize for?
- Is what I am tempted to say full of things that will be helpful to us, or hurt us?
At the end of the day — this respect journey has changed my life! I want every single woman on the planet to read the books I have, read the blogs I have, and see the world in a different way than it’s being portrayed and pounded into us in every direction.
Life is BETTER with respect. Life is BETTER with God. Life is BETTER fighting the good fight.
But does this journey ever get easier? No.
I’m so sorry if that crushes anyone’s hopes. Maybe your experience will be different from mine. Or maybe some of you older and wiser women are out there saying “Oh Honey, you just haven’t been doing this as long as we have, you need more time.” And maybe you’re right. But at this point, I doubt it.
I think Scripture paints a pretty clear picture that walking the straight and narrow will be hard. Persecution comes, trials come, heartache comes, and we’re all sinners until we cross over to eternal life.
Is there power in the armor of God? You better believe there is!!! When I intentionally get up in the morning and put on every ounce of protection I can muster on my body and mind – God is faithful to give me strength and courage to PRESS ON in the battle. But He never makes it easier, even though He’s with me. He only makes it change me by refining me IN the fire.
Is God’s way worth it? Absolutely. Is God’s way getting easier? No, it’s not.
But I’d never look back. I’ll keep fighting the good fight and being refined in the fire pressing on toward the prize. No matter how loud Satan is, how often he attacks, with what intensity he beats me down and no matter how many times I stumble and fall.
If you’re out there wondering why you’re not a good enough Christian wife because this hasn’t “gotten easier yet?” – STOP IT! That’s still Satan beating you down.
MY belief? The more Satan attacks, the evidence that you’re walking the straight and narrow because he’s threatened.
In the battle…. try so hard to find that still and quiet place so God can refuel your strength, courage, wisdom and power to keep going and resist Satan’s voice. You can resist… but I doubt he’ll ever shut up.
For a follow up on THIS post from Kayla where she clarifies things a bit more, please check out her post “Easy?”
I would love for you to answer these questions if you would like to! It would be interesting to see how these issues affect different wives at different points along their journey to becoming godly wives.
SOMETHING TO CAREFULLY CONSIDER:
Demons are real according to the Bible and they are extremely powerful. It is dangerous to try to have conversations with them. God is much more powerful than demons are, but we are not. Here is what Scripture has to say about some false teachers and the casual way they spoke of demons:
Bold and arrogant, they are not afraid to heap abuse on celestial beings; 11 yet even angels, although they are stronger and more powerful, do not heap abuse on such beings when bringing judgment on them from the Lord. 12 But these people blaspheme in matters they do not understand. They are like unreasoning animals, creatures of instinct, born only to be caught and destroyed, and like animals they too will perish. II Peter 2
8In the very same way, on the strength of their dreams these ungodly people pollute their own bodies, reject authority and heap abuse on celestial beings. 9But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not himself dare to condemn him for slander but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” 10Yet these people slander whatever they do not understand, and the very things they do understand by instinct—as irrational animals do—will destroy them. Jude